HealthyGamerGG - Why You Lack Motivation | Viewer Interview

Episode Date: June 26, 2021

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Grand Canyon University, a Christian university, is one of the largest and fastest growing universities in the country, offering over 250 engaging programs online. Phrased for its culture of community, students engage with faculty and connect with counselors who take a personalized approach for your success. GCU's online students received over $144 million in scholarships in 2021. Visit gcu.edu slash my offer to see the scholarships you qualify for. Find your purpose at Grand Canyon University. And so can you start by just telling me what I should call you today or what you go by? You can just call me by my name, Gabriel. I think I'd actually prefer that because it's going to feel a bit more personal if you don't mind.

Okay, sure. So Gabriel, and what did you want to talk about today? So there's a few things. I wanted to, you know, introduce you to my past a little bit, so to speak, because I think it's going to be helpful. I'm a very open person, so I don't really have an issue talking about the the shit I went through pretty much. Okay. And basically something really good is something to me, actually. I had some pretty severe social anxiety. It was very bad, very much. And I came across

your content like two months ago and your stuff and the interviews. I watched so many of them by now it has helped me so much like the meditations, the altered at nostril breathing. Like I'm doing a lot of stuff and it's been very helpful. And seeing your stuff actually, convinced me to see a therapist as well because I was very resistant for years and years. I was like, you know, I always had that feeling of if there's something wrong with me and I can't fix it myself, then no one can. And I was just like, I'm not going to go see a therapist, like, fuck that. It's not useful. I had that kind of mentality pretty much. And I saw your stuff and I was like, well, this guy's a therapist. He's pretty cool. I guess, you know, I'm going to try it at least. And so I'm seeing this therapist that's actually a friend of my family and it's been great. We clicked. So it's nice.

And it's part of the topic from today. I've dealt a lot with my anxiety and it's a lot better. And then I'm noticing that underneath it, there's like this layer of what I call depression. It may or may not be. I don't actually have a diagnosis, to be honest. But, you know, for the longest time, I thought I didn't do things just because I was anxious. And the more and more I lower my anxiety. I noticed that there's something lying underneath fifth, that's like a total lack of movement.

focus, concentration, it's, you know, I just don't have that impulse. I kind of don't want to call it an impulse because it kind of has a bad connotation to it, but I don't have the impulse to do the things that I know I want to. So I can rationalize that I want to do something, but it's like my body doesn't respond in a way. And my senses also feel very numb. It's like, it's going to sound weird to put it this way, but I'm very into philosophy. So bear with me. It's like I see things, but I don't bring it.

receive them and it's like I hear things, but I don't comprehend them. And it's like I touch things and I do not feel that. That's kind of it. Gabriel, dude, you're a poet, my friend. Thank you. I actually wrote a lot of poetry during high school. I'm interested. Yeah, I know. I mean, you certainly have a way with words. I think you captured the resistance to see a therapist. And honestly, the best way I've ever heard. Thank you. Which is that, I mean, the sentiment was perfect. It's like if I can't fix it, no one can fix it, right? It's so weird. It's like this kind of weird self-reliance that like I should be able to do this. And if I can't do this, there's something wrong with me. And if there's something wrong with me, no one outside of me is going

to be able to fix it, right? Exactly. And because as human beings, I started to interrupt, I didn't notice you were going to keep talking. Sorry. No, go, go for that. As human beings, we are so, like, unique and have so much individuality. And we like, notice. things on such a big scale that a problem can like feel so huge to us and you're like yeah nobody's fixing this there's no way yeah absolutely um so let's start with your past then gabriel so maybe we can help you kind of unpack things understand what's underneath by all means be philosophical bro thank you thank you yeah i think that's a good place to start as well in all my first therapy session that's basically why i unloaded into my therapist that's the word

I didn't tell them. I am loaded, like, all of my past. And that took like one and a half hour to two hours. Don't worry, I'm not going to do the same here because it's fair enough time. But basically, you know, my father was very nice. He was pretty, you know, he was that type of intimidating guy that liked to win over people by being intimidating and forcing them to agree with him in a way. so he was a very oppressive presence around the house. And where do I even start? Sometimes he would get home drunk and he would beat me for no reason. So that was a lot of fun.

I remember specifically this one time I was just sitting in the couch watching DBZ and he just walks in and he, I was like, he had five or something, five, four. And he just walks in and he's like straight up. He's just holding me up like one leg in the air. It's just like beating my eyes in here. And if I try to remember how I felt, like, I'm not even sure I was just like, I'm not even sure I knew what was going on. I just kept staring at the TV.

I just kept watching. I was like, I don't know what's going on. And he had a bunch of friends with him as well. I heard them laughing. That kind of happened, but I think, you know, my child mind made it a point to not look around because, you know, I didn't want to see the people that were laughing at me. Like, you know, I'm just going to stare at the TV. I'm not going to look around.

Kind of thing. It sounds like you maybe were seeing but not perceiving. Yeah. I never thought of it that way, actually. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so I don't know how many times he would do that. My memory gets kind of foggy.

I think it's sort of a protection mechanism. Maybe some things I can't really remember well. So he was very like that. There would be a lot of arguments in that house and a lot of screaming and he didn't get along well with his brothers as well. Like sometimes they would pull knives on each other, like two drawers at each other, some real fucked up shit actually. This one time my father was out in the garage.

So the way that houses set up is kind of like there's a staircase for you to go inside. And that staircase, when you go down it, it's where the garages. And like there's a window. It's kind of hard to explain, but basically, my father and my uncle were having an argument through this window, you know, one down into the garage and the other one, you know, up near the kitchen area. And like, they just straight up take a fucking drawer and chuck it through the window, there's glass everywhere, straight up trying to murder each other in a way.

But they never did, they're both still alive. So that kind of thing would happen a lot. And my father also wasn't a fan of my experience. expressive, outgoing, extroverted personality because he's the type of guy that has that mentality that a man should be serious and, you know, stone-faced. You know, it's not supposed to have a lot of feelings or be, you know, I was a little firecriper. I'm very energetic. So I would be jumping up the down. Sometimes I'd be running around house and my father said, I mean, none of that shit is shooting. So he wasn't very happy about it. He was also, you know, he had a lot of, I don't even know how to say this, but basically he was homophobic. because I behaved that I behaved that way. He believed that meant that I was gay, you know, because I was very expressive and all the kind of thing.

And so he would say things like, you know, I'm not going to raise no gay son and all the class and stuff. And so he really, like, tried to beat my personality out of me because he didn't like it and he thought it meant that I was fruity and all kinds of things. So it wasn't very fun being around him. And basically what happened was, you know, I guess it's, pretty obvious from everything that's going on there would be a divorce when I was like six.

He and my mom got separated. And I remember feeling very confused at the time because I didn't know who I wanted to stay with. And it wasn't actually because of my father because at my father's house, he lived together with my grandma, his mother and one of my uncles that I really liked, his brother, because we would play a lot of games together. It's like his room would be a safe haven't for me. I would just walk in there and start playing. And especially because my father, along with this brother within my uncle, he wouldn't

like interject very much on what we were doing inside his room. So, yes, he was just like, I don't want to talk to this guy, so whatever. So I liked my grandma and my quite a bit. So I was very confused on where I wanted to stay. And I would live four months with my mother and then four months with my grandmother and my uncle. At the time, my father was getting busy doing nurse stuff because he's always been into medicine. That's something he wanted me to do. He was like, you know, he noticed that I was very smart from the young age.

And he was like, I'm going to mold you with this thing. But just very annoying type of thing where he was like, I never managed to be a doctor. Now because I popped up, you're going to be a doctor. And you're going to be like this. Blah, blah, blah, blah. All the kind of stuff. Eventually, I would settle on living with my mother because my grandma and uncle also started being quite unpleasant, I want to say.

In the beginning, it was cool. And then they started criticizing my mother a lot saying things like she was misusing the child support money, that she should be buying clothes and, you know, paying courses for me to learn shit. But, you know, the reality of the matter is, you know, I was kind of bored into poverty here in Brazil as in all country. And so that child support money, she had to use to pay rent. And I would always explain it to them, like, you know, what do you expect?

You want me, you want her to buy me clothes. And then we're just going to sleep under a bridge or something. That doesn't make sense. So they would criticize her unfairly, is the word it used. It wasn't fair at all. Just unfair criticism very much. My uncle was becoming more and more bitter. I don't know what was going all the time at the time.

And my grandma, she, like, spoiled me way too much. So it's like total contrast. between my father and my grandma where my father would have a totally oppressive aura about him and those things he wanted me to do that I was going to do and then my grandma on the other hand she was too far you know on the other end so for example I remember going to a preschool and it was on the same street actually the same street where this house was the preschool was just like right across the street and all you know it's like that timber you had one job she had one job that was to wake me up at like 6 a.m. or something for me to get ready. And she'd be like, oh, I tried to wake you up, but you weren't waking up. So, you know, just I felt bad. And so I would miss a lot of school days because of it. She felt bad waking up to go to preschool or whatever, you know, six. And something that was very bad that used to happen while I was living there too in this period where I can't go back and forth was actually terrible.

would be nobody around the house for the most part, so I would stay in there alone all day because my father and my grandmother would be working all day, and I can't remember what my uncle was doing for some reason, but she also would not be home. So I would stay home alone all day, and I wasn't allowed to go outside with other kids, so I didn't have any friends at that point. And I would also like may starve a fair bit because, you know, I was all alone in the house. I had nothing to eat. and so here comes, you know, another part of my grandmother that spoiled things that weren't very graces. She would come home after a day where I, you know, didn't have anything to eat, and she would offer me like cookies and stuff like that. It's like, that's not that you should

be giving it. I was not too young to know any better, but anyway. Eventually, that would cause me to actually have some sort of issue with my eating. I'm not sure what it was. I was too young to actually pay attention, but that's going to tie into later when I'm living with my mother consistently, and I never contact her to live, at least. I did some visits. And unfortunately, she would have this guy come over to live with us who would become my stepfather, and would also be abusive to me in a similar manner to my father. And, you know, in some points, he was worse and some he was better. People are different in interviews, right? The individuality of him, it even. And I remember specifically, I ended up having these stomach issues and that was one of

his biggest, like, problems with me because I would go, you know, have breakfast at the kitchen desk or whatever you call it in English. And I'd sit there, like, for three hours trying to eat a loaf of bread. Like, it was really hard for me. I was having some, you know, real stomacal issues or whatever. whatever you call him. And he would get so mad over that shit. So just one time. And a fair warning, chat, if you have a week's if you're having lunch right now, just stop for a bit.

I was trying to have my lunch, and I would stay basically all day alone because my mother would be working. She was the provider, and he would take care of me. I was having lunch, and I just couldn't eat. I ate like two spoons of it, and I just couldn't eat more. So he forced me to eat more.

And that caused me to vomit all over the plate. And then, if that wasn't bad enough, he also made me eat a spoonful of the vomit that I had just, you know. So that wasn't very nice either. It's one of the more things that marked me that I can remember about that time, because I'm sure there were all other kinds of shit

that he would do to me. But my memory just, it's like I said, I think it's maybe a protective thing. I don't know because I can't remember much else, but the feeling was very bad. It was like my mother is going to work. She was the only family member that was fair and kind to me, but she would also instill some, you know, maturity, like my grandma. So like my mother was the star of my role at that point.

So she would leave and I would be alone with my stepfather and was like, well, I guess, now I know I'm alone with this guy. Maybe I'll eat my vomit today again. you know, who knows what's going to happen. Sounds like it would be important for you to eat it but not taste it. You're good. I never thought about it like that either. So, yeah.

And it was rough on my mother, and she actually ended up developing depression over the years living with this guy because, you know, she would tell him to fuck off and leave the house because she didn't want him leaving with us anymore. And he just would not do it for like, three or four years, she would keep telling him to go away and he just wouldn't because, you know, it was a free, easy life for him. He didn't have to work. My mother was providing for everything. And when we picked him up, so to speak, his mother had just, like, thrown him out of her house because he refused to get a job. He just did drugs all day or whatever. And so his mother was very pissed at him and threw him on his house. And my mother took him up because my mother is a very kind person. and she would eventually fall in love with him and all that stuff.

In the beginning, he wasn't so bad. He just, he transformed into a total fucking dick over the years. So, like, at first, he was that kind of guy. You wouldn't look twice at. It's like, you know, just normal. But eventually, that would cause problems. So she would fall into depression, keep telling him to leave her home. He wouldn't.

Eventually, he did. But at that point, I'd say a lot of damage had been done to me already. Sounds like that. Yeah, he had a similar thing to my father where he would also call me gay and all kinds of stuff because of the way I just tickled a lot and talking and all types of things. And like sometimes I wonder, like if I was actually homosexual, how hard it would be. Because I'm not even and these things, you know, still affected me. Like, imagine if I actually was, I think I'd have a lot more trouble too. But part of the sad thing about this is my uncle would get in on it.

of my mother's brother in this case, not from the family of my father. So this uncle of mine, a brother to my mother, were also making fun with me for acting and moving the way I did, all the kind of good stuff. So they just kind of would come in here and basically leach of my mother's work because they would turn on the computers and use the internet to play my grand chase at the time.

It was a level of game or whatever. And while they were doing that, they would take the opportunity to rip on me and all kinds of shit. You're talking about your uncle and your stepdad? Yes. Or just... Okay.

Okay. They would join forces, a malevolent force. Okay. So that was kind of what family life was for me. I was always very oppressed for being too old going too loud, to extroverted. I was like, damn, I should have been born into an Italian family. Nobody would have an issue with me, but, you know, that wasn't the case. In fact, so my cousin,

sorry, there's some loud thing going on on my street right now. I hope that doesn't bother anybody. I don't hear anything, actually. Okay, that's good. I'm super conscious about the noise because I'm using a phone as a mic, so a lot of things get picked up.

What was I saying? I have a Vata mine, by the way, you can tell. Yeah, I think that's what they mistook for homosexuality. Yeah. So can you just tell me a little bit? So it sounds like you gave us a little bit about your upbringing. And can you tell us a little bit about the social anxiety? Yeah.

So I think it's connected. Like I've made a lot of observations on myself along the years. And part of my annoyance at myself is that I knew so much about the roots of my issues, but I could never solve anything. And that's like, a lot of your content has provided me, like, ways to deal with it. I've always been very good at noticing. So the whole social anxiety thing is like, I definitely see it as, you know, my natural personality that was so oppressed by my family.

And then eventually it would become oppression turned to repression because I would take those ideals that I should not be that way and I would implement and internalize. So school wasn't easy for me either. I was always bullied a lot and I didn't have a lot of friends. So like I was fucked at home, I was fucked at school. else. Like, ironically, the place I felt the safest was the streets between my home and between the school. It's like, in the streets, I'm the safest. So I got bullied a lot too for being too

out-goly. The kids used to call me retarded because I was always laughing too much and making too many jokes. So that would happen as well. And I remember that I had this specific during elementary at some point where I was like, you know, I'm going to turn myself. into a machine. That was my goal. I was like, I'm going to take all these things that people are saying, you know, people will pick on me for, and I'm going to just shove it all inside. It's not going to come out. And people, I'm not going to be a target anymore. That's kind of how I learned to deal with it. And what would happen eventually is that 2013 or 2014, after going through a long process of shoving all that shit inside, I would have my first panic attack, which I see, you know, as those things coming out, because whenever you

repress something, it's going to blow off in a certain way. So I ended up having these panic attacks. And part of the social anxiety issues that I was having is connected to all this in the sense that, you know, probably because of what I was taught and how I internalize things, if I go in and I talk to people and I'll be myself, people are going to be fun, pretty much. So that would cause me anxiety, because then what I would do is, you know, I would put on the mask on, like so much of us do. It's like, I can't let that come out. So I'm going to put on this mask on. And the problem with putting masks is that it's like an ego thing

that strives for perfection. So I'm going to go into the social situation and I'm going to act mathematically in a specific way. And so people aren't going to see the real me. But hopefully they're not going to make fun of the mask. And I was pretty good at it. And when you have that perfectionism of having to put on the mask and what that ego,

and all the shit jump all together, that causes a lot of anxiety because you get performance anxiety, right? It's almost like you're going on the stage. It's like I have to, you know, do this. So that's my understanding. And so tell me a little bit about, it sounds like the social anxiety has gotten better.

Yeah, it has gotten so much better. You have no idea. Like a lot of it is things to you. The meditation, the breathing, so much. It's been amazing. Yeah, I'm glad things worked out for you. It's kind of, you know, it's weird, Gabriel. Like I was thinking one of the downsides of streaming is that I never get to follow up with people.

Right. And so it's kind of interesting. I never had this thought until now. So I was thinking that part of the problem with streaming is I can never show people step two. I just keep showing step one over and over and over again. But there's something strange that's happened over the last week in hearing you talk about it. hearing you kind of share, because like you're already giving me everything, like, you're packaged in a sense, like in a good way, right? Like, so I think you've like figured out. And so

like in, in about 15 minutes, 20 minutes, you're able to do a lot of what takes, we normally spend an hour and a half on doing. So the interesting thing is like we may actually be able to take step two today, which I never, normally I take step two with the same person because we, you know, we meet for a couple of weeks and stuff like that. But I think there are potentially like other concepts or advanced concepts that I never thought I would get to on stream. Because everyone, you know, but it sounds like y'all are learning. And so that's pretty cool. But let's kind of talk a little bit about, you know, so after, as the social anxiety has gotten better,

what have you managed to uncover instead? Like, there was just, it's like I said, I don't actually have a diagnosis, but it feels a lot like depression or at least aspects of it in the sense that my understanding of it is maybe I'm wrong my understanding of it is I've been depressed this entire time but I didn't realize it anymore because my anxiety was like such a peak so if my depression's here anxiety was like here and so like my anxiety was just so loud and deafening that I could not notice the depression anymore And as I'm noticing that down here, there's still a big issue where I, it's like I was saying, like my cognitive functions are just thought okay.

It's very hard for me to actually focus and learn things that I used to be very good at. And there's no motivation to do things. It's like I'm detached from reality in a sense. Like it's not, I don't feel like I'm a part of my room right now, for example. It feels very weird because that. when I used to be mentally healthy in a circumstance, I would always feel like I was a part of my environment. It's like things had a presence. Like, it's hard to put into words, but like the desk I'm using right now, it's like this desk has a presence to it, even though it's not a living thing. And I would always be able to perceive like the presence of the objects around me. It's just like there's nothing there.

Everything is kind of a shade of gray. And my mind is also very scattered and foggy. Sometimes I'll have, like, good thoughts because, like, I'm planning on actually starting a philosophy show and writing a book, and actually those are things that I want to do. And sometimes I'll have a thought that's like, oh, that's good. So I record it to my phone. And I'll take my phone to record it, and I'll press it forward and then blank. It's like between my mind and my mouth, like, things just get lost sometimes. It disappears in the mist. It's right.

It's right. Okay. So what are some of the other things that you've noticed? have come up as the anxiety has gotten better. That's actually hard. So why do you call it depression? Well, it's kind of like because of a thing I used to feel before. So I got to feel you in on this actually.

I was playing actually competitive Dota for a lot, like 2014 to something. So what happened was my cousin introduced me to Dota the end of 2013. And that was during my high school periods where, you know, I didn't have any friends and I kind of hated everyone. I had a big ego at the time. I was like, you know, all these people, they're just stupid.

I'm not going to associate with any of them, which was also a defense mechanism at the time because, you know, people always rejected me. So my thought process was if I reject them first, that they can do it. So I would just like disqualify and, you know, lower everyone in my mind so that, you know, I'm the one rejecting all of you now, suckers. kind of thing. So I didn't have a whole lot of friends with that attitude, obviously, which is skip to myself. So I was playing Dota, and through Dota, I was amazed. I fell in love with the game because I've always been very good at games,

actually, and I was speaking up the game so fast and learning so fast. And I didn't even know of e-sports at the time. I had no idea that I was a thing, actually. So I would see an artisies stream event. And he had like 10K viewers, and he was playing, the whole chat was fogging. And I was like, wait, people liked us a lot. I had no idea what's going on here. And when I would watch Dota tournaments, it was back when Zairey had like the treads or whatever. And I thought that was so cool. I was like, man, you know that guy's working?

Like that, it's like, it felt to me like a community where you could really be yourself. It is what I'm trying to say. Like that guy is himself. He's being himself. He has this haircut and he's doing all this cool shit. So I always felt like I couldn't be myself in the real world. But in the Dota, the online gaming community, I was like, yeah. and I'm going to have value as a player,

and then people are going to have to pay attention to me. It's my thought process. And I was actually doing very well. I was playing very well. I'm still immortal ranked currently. I don't know I don't really play anymore. I think I'm at like 6.3K in the bar, and the only reason I'm giving all this details

is because I know you know what more. It's going to be helpful. What would happen, unfortunately, was something that was absolutely so crushing to me because evento I was pushing everybody out and just focusing on Dota and I had a pessimistic feel about people around me. I didn't feel depressed at all. I actually felt like very obese.

I felt like my feelings were justified. And I would embrace them like, yeah, I fucking hate these people. I don't care. Let's play short. I mean, you know, I still felt good, basically. And that was until I had my first panic attack. So when I was going to school, second year of high school, a friend used to come here for us to go to school together.

And when we were approaching, though, like the end of this, street and my body just did something it had never done before it was a very weird experience so it's going to be kind of hard to explain as these things are but it felt like everything was moving like speed of light around me and at the same time nothing was moving it's like everything was moving what at the speed of light okay around it it felt like the world had just like evolved into light speed in a millisecond and there wasn't even anything going on like the street was completely empty. There were no cars. Like, there was nothing but in my mind, like everything was just so fast and rushing. And it felt like I could see like 10 years into

the future or something. It was some really scary shit. And, you know, I told my friend to stop. Like, I couldn't even speak because I felt like I'm not in my throat. And I just, you know, signal to my friend. I was like, look at deep breath. And I was like, okay, I think I'm okay. So we went to school. That was the first time to happen. And what would end up happening is, you want to say something? Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out where. So it sounds like you talked about Dota.

Now you're talking about a panic attack. I'm not quite sure how this relates to what depression feels like for you underneath the anxiety. It's about to connect. Sorry, I know it's a big tangent. Just correct with me. What would end up happening is, I would have this more and more frequently when it was time to go to school. So eventually I just told my mother, like, I don't want to go to school anymore,

because every time I just merely think about going to school or I know that I'm going to have to, like my body, my nervous system would just completely shit itself pretty much. So I thought they're like, I don't want to go anymore. You know, I'm talented. You just cut out there for a second. I don't want to go anymore. What? Yeah, I don't want to go anymore because I felt really bad just at the thought of having to go to school.

and I was telling her, you know, I'm going to do this Dota thing. I know what I'm doing. I'm talented. It's going to work, so I don't need to go to school anymore. You know, I'll touch S pretty much. And she actually allowed me, like, she put her trusting me because I was speaking about it very confidently. And she was like, okay, no, I trust you. And then a terrible thing happened. And this guys is why you don't run away from your feelings, because I ran away from school because I ran away from school because I was spending panic attacks in there. And Dota was always completely fine.

I would get home from school. Yeah, sure. And then what happened was, is these attacks transferred over to when I had to play daughter. It was absolutely terrible. So I would kill up, press find a match, and divide. I felt like there was a hand in my throat a lot of the times. Like, there was something just forishing it. And I would always just, like, be dry heaving and coughing.

And I would have to, like, pause in the middle of matches to run to the bathroom and just throw up. And I would come back and keep stomping nobs, but I would be throwing up in the time. So it's going to tie into your question. It's about it. I promise. So what happened was this, you know, it was a very soul-pushing process to me because all I had was Doha at the time. You know, I had shoved people out of my life, you know,

like, I don't want anything to do with any of you. And I had a big ego of like, you know, I was that which is good at Doha. You know, it was my identity. And like, when that started getting taken away from me for something that was out of my control, like I felt so fucking crushed. It was like, there's nothing left. It's involving life for me. It's like this thing that's my passion and I love so much

and I'm doing well at it. Now my body's breaking down and I can't really do it anymore. So that's where I started getting depressed in the sense that everything just lost me at that point. And because, you know, the only thing I loved was taken away from that sense. I couldn't do anything. And, you know, I was a stubborn asshole still at the time. So I didn't go seek any help for my panic attacks or anything.

Maybe I should have done that. who knows what happened in that parallel universe. But everything just felt really bad. And I felt my emotions started numb. So I wasn't really tired anymore, and I would refuse to eat as well. I remember this one time, I would just no longer eat. And something very bad happened because I wasn't really eating properly for like two days straight. And it's like my head was spinning a lot every time you moved it.

And I couldn't really walk very well. So my mother found me. I wasn't even going to tell anybody. It's like I was ready to die in a sense. I was just in my room in my bed, not eating anything. And I couldn't really get up very well anymore. And I was like, you know, I don't care. I don't have anything.

So whatever. And like my mother opens the door to my room. And she's like, like, you're okay? You haven't come out in a bit. And she comes to check on me. And I just tell her, like, very matter of fact. Actually, I can't talk about it right now because I'm feeling this way. So she gave me strain at the time she came, she held my hand and you have to snap out of it kind of thing.

So I started eating again and eventually I would recover, but I wouldn't really feel anything anymore. I wouldn't be numb for a very long time for maybe like three years. And then after those three years, just being completely numb and being in my room not doing nothing, I didn't go out, I didn't get a job and nothing like that, didn't get any new friends. after that time of three years in that deep state of what I believed to be depression and get no diabetes. What happens at my anxiety picked up. And that's what I have lived for the past like five years of my life, this baseline anxiety that I told you about.

So now that I am rid of it, I'm seeing that maybe there's remnants of that point in my life. And that's why I call it depression. That was a very long tangent, finally. Yeah. Yeah, so we'll talk about tangents in a second. But so I'm still curious about what you experience on a day-to-day basis that makes you use the word depression. That's what happened back then. What do you experience today?

It's less what I experience and it's more what I don't experience. It's a lack of experiencing things. What are you not experienced today? What's missing from your life? Color, connection. Are you sad? No, actually. That's something that bothers me a lot because it's like I don't feel any emotions. It's like, I want to feel sad. I want to cry sometimes and I just can't.

And I don't think that's normal. Okay. Okay. So Gabriel, we got to talk about tangents for a second, okay? So now you're ready for the level two explanation? Yes, please. You're going to have to be careful because if I, if we want me to, to help you. I don't need your conclusions. I need the raw data. So one thing that's happening right now, and this is a double-edged sword, it's neither better nor worse. So on the one hand, we can cover a lot of ground, but I think we're still like missing a lot, right? So you basically, you've watched,

it's clear you've watched, it sounds like videos. So you kind of know what kind of questions I ask. You're sort of sharing like particular traumatic moments. But you're kind of giving me the package. The problem is that, like, if you give me the package, you've set up the problem in a particular way where there is a answer. Yeah, I didn't mean to do that. Yeah, yeah, I understand. So that's what we're sharing it, right? So, like, no one's done that before because you did what I usually do, which is fine.

I hope you're not, it occurs to me, maybe I'm shaming you. But, like, that's really not being. Yeah. So, like, I think there's, because honestly, there is a lot of good stuff in there. But like, I think that I would like it if I could ask you questions and you try to stick to the answer. Don't give me the conclusion because I'm hunting for raw data, right? So, like, when you, like, I'm absolutely fascinated. Like, I have so many questions for you about why SA is toxic and, like, why do you guys show up on USC servers?

Like, you know, like, I've tons of questions for me. Love that you shared that, you know, you tried to go pro dota and stuff like that. I do think you're genuinely like you're creating a lot of value by offering like some of the nuggets that you've learned. Like I imagine that could help a lot of people because you certainly have a way with words. But if we're talking about helping you, you know, like so my question is like, you know, I have some questions about your upbringing. Like how do you feel about your mom? See, it's hard for me to know what I feel. I have to think.

Yep. Good. That's what I, that's what we want. Right? usually when I ask you a question, you'll give me like a narrative that connects and has a, you know, a finale. Yeah. Sorry. So, I know it's not a very nice thing to feel, but we don't control our feelings. But I felt like she could have done better in a sense, just, you know, having recently separated from my father and like going so quickly into a relationship with a guy, she didn't know enough about. I think, you know, I would have liked if she put a little bit more thought into what that would have done to me.

But it's not like resentment. I don't feel any resentment towards her. Like, that's the house here I live. It's me and my mom. So, you know, we live together. We're both there for each other. We help and we support each other. We have a pretty good relationship.

Would you allow yourself to feel resentment towards her? When I was younger, it was a lot easier. I used to feel it a lot back. elementary and things like that like you know like how can it it was like how can she allow this to happen like this guy to do these things you know and what was the answer you came up with there was no answer from being honest so how did you deal with that just my you know good old fashion just stuff enough forehead i guess how does it feel talking about it now it was kind of unfair I feel like I was robbed of something.

What were you robbed of? A decent upbringing where I could connect emotionally with the adults around me, probably. And who robbed you of that? Well, you could make an argument. It was my father, first and foremost, if it hadn't been such a dick. In a sense, you know, she kind of dropped the ball later as well. You know, everyone has their issues. Okay.

So now I'm going to invite. you to notice what you did when I asked you that question. Right? So what was the first thing? I don't know if you remember, because it's hard. So I said, who robbed you of that? And what was the first thing you said? My father?

Nope. Technically, you said you could make an argument. Yeah. Right? Which means, if we think about it, do you blame your father? Oh, I've done to answer that. I know. But when I ask you that,

question, who robbed you about? What was the answer that we got? Does the answer indicate that you blame your father? No. No. What was the next thing that you said? And my mom dropped the ball. And then you said something else. Yeah, it was some rationalization. I can't remember it. Very good. Right? So like, it's really interesting. How does it feel when we kind of unpack things? and like I'm blaming your mom. You feel that?

How does it feel to have me blame your mom? It doesn't feel bad, actually. I think, you know, it's reality whether we like it or not. Okay. So you feel okay with me doing that? Yeah, I don't mind. Okay. Can I think for a second?

Sure. I should have said no, damn it. What are you up to nowadays? So I have some things I want, but that's future. So what I'm up to right now, it's basically just self-improvement. I'm really trying to figure myself out and so I can have a more about life again kind of thing. So I watch a lot of your videos. I do a lot of meditation. I have been trying my hand of the whole dopamine detox thing because I don't actually feel like playing any games anymore.

work as part of what I consider depression. Because it's not just about the games. I actually don't feel like doing anything. Do you feel like improving? Sometimes it's very sporadic. Sometimes I'll have a day where I'm like, oh, I really want to do this thing or really play this game. That's like once every two weeks, maybe.

Okay. So we've got a couple of options, Gabriel. Okay. So one option is we can. and kind of like, in a sense, almost start from scratch. I think I can ask you questions in a particular way that will lead to maybe a crack within your emotional shell. I think we both know where those questions are going to go

because we've seen, you know, all of your transparency. And even as you're thinking about it, I can see there's changes in the way that you're sitting, in the way that you're thinking. you know, you've had a smile on your face for a while, and sometimes as we get close to something, like you haven't needed to deflect much, right? But there are like very few times where you'll deflect,

you'll block, right? Because like it sounds like, and we, you know, we can talk about that if you want to. We'll see. I think you are well defended. So I don't know that that's actually the best use of our time. But if that's what you want, if you want to like cry on stream,

we can try to help you get there. Okay. I think you are quite intellectual, and there are other things going on here, which I'm almost inclined to meet you on an intellectual level, which is very different from what I would do in therapy. But I think, like, we're here to teach really more than to do therapy. So I think that there are, like, a lot of important principles or lessons to be learned,

because this is actually a, I'm kind of, offering this today because it's a rare opportunity where someone comes in and has already understood so much of what we usually do. So it gives us a unique opportunity, but I think for you, you know, some people come on here and they have this kind of like emotional catharsis and then they like start to make changes in their life. And it's like, I just got a DM this morning from someone you. They were being really nice. A prior stream guest that was like, hey, I just wanted to say I've like benefited a lot and like I'm realizing things in a new way. Like I don't, I don't. I don't. I don't know that if we go the sort of academic or intellectual route, I don't know how much it will

actually help you as a person. I think it'll be very intellectually satisfying, but like, would you like to understand yourself from a high level, or would you like to like feel yourself on an instinctive level? Like, what do you want? Definitely. Definitely what I'm missing is the feeling. And I like that you used instinctive because that's always like how I've been I've always been like very connected to the animal side of the human being let's say where I've always felt things

very strongly instinctively and now I don't feel them anymore so that route sounds good okay that's going to be tough so let me think about this okay I may wind up going the intellectual route anyway

all right it's your show yeah no let me just give me a second second. Okay. Oh shit. Hold on. When was the last time that you did feel a lot? Oh, long ago. Holy shit. It's going to be hard to remember. Probably back then because I considered 2014 the year I died in a certain sense because that was when I was having the panic attacks in total. And from that point onwards, I remember specifically for some reason. I don't know why August of 2014. I'm not sure what's up with that date, but I remember that from there onwards, I haven't felt a whole lot.

Okay. So it's like five years, give or take, maybe. When you think about the traumatic stuff that happens to you, that happened to you, do you feel any emotion? No, it's because it's why I joke about it. I'm not really feeling anything to, too, dramatic. It may be just part of my personality, too, because I have that kind of personality where I'll make fun of serious shit and I have offended people in the past doing it. Can you tell me about writing poetry? Yeah, actually, this is going to be a little bit embarrassing.

So I used to fall in love very easily during my school years. And a lot of the poetry I would write would be specific for a girl I was in love with at the time. And I would like show it to her and she'd be like, that's fucking stupid kind of. Because, you know, at least like, you know, public schools in lower income areas in Brazil. It's a rough crowd. I'll say that much. There were kids with problems probably worse than mine in a sense. So people weren't very happy with that kind of, you know, very happy with me in a sense,

because I was too happy and I wrote poetry about love. And what do you, how long has it been since you've fallen in love? Oh, it's been a long time as well. And I had some in-cell issues for a while in a sense that, you know, I've never been reciprocated. So, you know, for a while there, it's been a long time, maybe seven or eight years where, you know, I actually blame the women and all that stuff. But it's not like that anymore. I realized that I was at fault at the time because I kept constantly trying to field in a hole that I had in me by, you know, acquiring partners, so to speak. So I know it was completely my fault.

But it's been, we're in 2021, maybe four years. Okay. How do you feel about yourself? I feel like I am capable of a lot of things, and it frustrates me that I did not have. How does it feel to be someone who is incapable of doing what you're capable of? It feels very weak, cowardice in a sense. also maybe some resentment towards myself too. Can you feel that resentment?

Yeah, it's liking my stomach right now. Okay, and what do you feel in your stomach? It's gotten heavy out and over. Okay. What do you wish you were? This is going to sound like some philosophical bullshit, but the inner meat that I know that I am. What's it like to not have access to that person?

Very disheartening, disappointing, and also maybe rage-inducing, even though I can't feel a lot of anger. It feels like I have anger in me somewhere. It feels that way, I guess. How do you know you have anger in you? It's a very instinctive thing. I can't really explain it. It's like I can kind of just tell that it's in there somewhere, that there's no logic to it. Okay.

How can you tell, though? Like, you know, it's kind of a weird question, but it's sort of like, like, how does your mind know, how do your neurons know to produce the word rage-inducing? I have no idea, but I do embody the concept that we aren't just our minds. So, but it's It's just my... It comes like from somewhere. I don't know, the soul. But that's philosophical, right?

Like, so, like, in a very practical sense, when I ask you how you feel about yourself, right? What I'm hearing is like, there's some, like, you're, there's, it's rage inducing. Like, the way that you live your life pisses you off. Yeah, because I've had this thing of kind of seeing myself in the third person for the very long time, and it's like I'm watching myself ruin my life by inaction, and it's, it's raging this. And what are you doing about ruining your life?

Like you can see everything, Gabriel. What are you doing about it? Well, I'm trying very hard. I'm watching videos. I'm seeing a therapist, but it's like... But it's what? Yeah, it's as you said, there's something missing. I don't know what it is, exactly.

What's missing? Me? Yeah, more importantly, whose fault is it that it's missing? Who's responsible for finding it? Definitely me. And how does it feel to have not found it yet? Very frustrating. It's like, it's why I gave in a little.

I tried for so many years, and then I'm like, you know, I'm finally going to see a therapist because I was trying really hard to do that. And I had a lot of pride about that as well. Like, I'm a smart guy. I can figure it off. So I had a lot of proud about it. How do you feel about seeing a therapist? It's been great.

It's absolutely great. Do you feel weak? Yes. Because back then, when I was, you know, when I shoved people aside and I had a big eagle and all of that, I felt very strong. I wasn't like, I didn't like pick on other people or intimidate. but I would always stand up for myself.

I was a strong guy, where people would always be lazy or falter. Like, yeah, I'm not going to do this. Like, I would go and do it. I just have so much presence to me. And none of it is here anymore. That's what makes me feel weak. It's like I have no presence.

And I know it is my fault because I made it a point to disappear with my presence because it was making people make fun for me. Sounds like you screwed up, Gabriel. Yeah, a lot. Is that what you're? you feel like, a screw up? Yeah, that's in there all right. It's like I'm in such a good position, too. You know, my mother's taking care of all the financial shit. She's like, she's doing

so well. It's that thing, too, where I saw you talk about in one of your interviews, when you don't have to do something, it's, you know, harder to get yourself to do it because on a financial stand. Gabriel, do you feel like a deadbeat? You know what that term means? Yeah, I know what he means, but I won't go that far. Okay. How far would you go? Someone who's very actively wasting their time. I don't know what word I would use.

Actively wasting their time. Yeah. Let me see if I understand you here. So it sounds like, you know, you get an A for effort, but certainly not an A for results. Yeah, pretty much. So is that something that feels distant from you, that feeling? I would say so, yeah.

Everything is just so numb. The negative, the positive. It's all equally hard to get to. Yeah. So here's what I think is going on. I think we got close. I don't know. So this is the kind of thing where, like, I think I could bludgeon you into emotion.

Like, I could do things like I could call you. the things that you have called yourself in those dark moments and I'm pretty sure the emotion will come roaring out. I think a lot of stuff is going to come roaring out. Like, the negative emotion is going to come out and also like anger and hatred and like, like you're going to get, like, you'll,

like the ego is going to come out. And you'll, then it's going to be me and you, like you're going to be in the garage. I'm going to be upstairs. I'm going to pick up the drawer and I'm going to throw it through the window. Like the emotion is there. Does that make sense? Absolutely, yes.

And so if we were actually a cult and we were at a retreat, you know, there may be some utility to like having that kind of deep emotional exploration. I don't know that this is the time or the place or that I feel comfortable heaping on you the abuse that it takes to get you to feel. Oh, I would actually like to go for it if you're willing because I think that's what I need. I'm not so sure that I'm willing. Okay. Because I don't know that that'll, I understand that you're hungry for it.

I don't know that it's going to be good for you. Okay, so like. Yeah. What do you think about that? I wasn't thinking anything. I was just getting a little sad. Why are you sad? Because it's like you said.

I feel like I really need this, but, you know. Yeah, so there's something important there, right? So like, when I say that you're not going to get it, what am I sentencing you to? Just going back to my daily routine of, you know, kind of trying to do it myself and it never works. And how, so, like, how do you feel that? Yeah. Right. So I think that as we get to this, because like here's what I'm hearing from you, okay, is like, you're doing all the good stuff, right? And like you have a lot of patheticness in you, but you've learned how to like manage that in a positive way. Right? You're like, I'm going to devote myself to growing and I'm going to put my life together. And so you're almost in a sense putting on a mask. Like it's the mask of like, it's the mask of like, Like, I'm going to be someone. Like, this is the road that I have to walk and see.

Look, everyone. Look at how much social anxiety I've cured. Dr. K. I came on, like, I've been cured of social anxiety. I've been watching your videos for two months and like, look at me. Look at how much I'm growing. Can everyone reassure me that I'm growing, please? Can we talk about how much progress we've made?

And I played right into it, right? I was like, oh, Gabriel, you're level two, bro. you're not level one. So you came in and you asked me to play a part and I played a part with you, which is that Gabriel is growing. But behind that is like this little thing, right, this little voice in the back of your head,

which is like it's not going to work. Because like the person who's doing it, like we can pretend all we want to, we can have an A for effort, we can check all the boxes, but something fundamentally is fucked. And that fundamental thing is me. And you can pretend all you want to, Gabriel, we're going to do all this stuff.

And like at the end of the day, like there's just me who's always known that there's a problem. And like I've never been able to do anything about it. There's powerlessness. Right. And there's like all kinds of other notes here of like, you know, you love your mom. Your mom has been the one person who has like, you know, been there for you. and also you blame her the most

and then like that creates conflict too because like if you like that's crazy like your dad is the one who deserves the blame your stepfather is the one who deserves the blame but who is the person who let those people in right who is responsible

for protecting you from her like from those people and so it can like it can feel really confusing to like blame and feel resentment towards like the one person who's good in your life. And then what ends up happening is like somewhere in there like you're not going to blame your mom, dude, because that's a dick move. So there's like one punching bag that you've got left, which is yourself. And so like all of the blame that she deserves, like I am just going to tell you, you redirect it to yourself.

Like, does that make sense to you? Like, I think... Yeah, I could have been stronger. I could have stood up for myself. Yep, right? So, like, like, any time I try to blame her, you're going to say, like, I should have been stronger. Like, you're going to protect her by blaming yourself.

What are you feeling? Actual sadness for the first time long time. I'm very happy about it, ironically. Right? So, like, now, like, the dam is opening up and, like, everything is coming out. Yeah. Happiness. There's anger at my father and my stepfather, but also if we're not standing up to done. And there's frustration of the things I had to go through and I have nobody to talk. To talk those things through with anybody because I didn't have friends like that.

So going through it is bad enough. Going through it alone. Yeah, I also like The few friends I had They would usually be trained as well I remember telling some very personal things That's still a elementary friend of mine He just like exposed me to the whole class for no reason Oh sure, he had a reason

Yeah, I just don't know what it was I think he wanted to be a dick, right? He wanted to take advantage of you He's being a bully Yeah, very much And the fucked up thing is he was also like an isolated student like me, so maybe he wanted to feel powerful for a day.

There's your intellectual mind. So notice that every one of those statements you make, you're going to move further away from the emotion. Yeah, I do that, don't die. I never noticed. Now be careful, because now we're getting very like meta, because do you beat yourself up for doing that? because like

from my feelings yeah absolutely yes see so you got to be careful okay so like

I know it sounds a little bit unsatisfying and if you want to feel more we can we could go for round two

if you really want to I don't know I'm not sure I'm just confused I don't know what would be good for me anymore yeah so

here's what I think would be good for you okay so I I think that you have worked very hard to turn the dials on your emotions way down. Because like in the span of like, what do you feel nothing? What do you feel nothing? What do you feel?

There's some anger in there. How do you know? I don't know. And then like in 30 seconds, it's like anger, relief, right? You said happiness. I think it's relief, really. Yeah. Is that like, oh, I actually can feel like this is what I've been going for, right?

But there's also like sadness and like self-loathing and like loneliness, which we really haven't heard at all in any of your narratives, right? Of like reaching out to people like for support and like, you know, them really like stabbing you and the, like there's just a lot of betrayal. Like just of so many dimensions. You know, like your grandmother not teaching you like just kind of abandoning you and then like, like, you know, like giving you bad habits. like that's the other thing like i i i think you probably let yourself blame them for screwing you up but then what happens is then you tell yourself like anytime your mind is like it's their fault for like because we can hear that right like your grandmother should have done a better job but then what you end up doing is you step right into it and you're like oh but i could have

been stronger yeah it's always about me right and so it's really interesting because like Gabriel, I think the reason that you're stuck is because the person responsible is not actually responsible. Like, if I blame myself singularly for global warming and climate change, then, like, I'm never going to be at peace because I can't single-handedly fix the planet. And you're doing this thing where, like, it always comes back to you. And I think the first thing you've got to start with is, like, self-loathing. right? Because I mean, I think it's like there's a lot there that like you really detest about yourself.

You know, there's a part of you that like rationally says, yeah, it's other people's fault. But then there's a part of you that's like, no, it isn't. Yeah, you're just like screwed up or something wrong with you. Yep. Right? And to sit with that thing is like really hard. Right. So in a weird... Go ahead. at some point you know that's just the conclusion you come to because you know your family is beating on you

the school students are beating on you it's just like every person so it must be meeting right yeah that is the conclusion you come to like i guess these people are right i'm just i'm just too loud i'm just too outgoing i don't give to myself and all it's just you know and uh well one particular thing that my mother of my cousin told me once when I was like playing video games there with them is that I used to play games I would like stand up next to the couch and like doing little hops with the controller in my hand like I was very energetic and a bunch of other kids were there too and she was like why can't you be like the other kids it was like I was too young to even know what that meant you know it was just like what the fuck

does that mean it can't be like the other kids I don't know sure you know what that meant What that meant is why can't you be normal? Why do you have to be screwed up in some way? You understood exactly what that meant. Yeah. Everyone's just, everyone's just like playing, sitting down, so I'm the only one doing that.

Everyone else is living their lives, and they're screwed up Gabriel, hopping around Gabriel, homosexual Gabriel, right? Like everyone looked at you and they saw, like, they weren't sure what it was, but they knew something was wrong. That's like really the one conclusion.

The chicks I fell in love with, it was the same sentiment as well. Yeah. Right? How are you feeling about this conversation? Oh, it's definitely cracking the show. I'm enjoying. It's weird, right?

Yeah, it's like you said, it's really fun. It's still hard. Like, the tears don't really come out. They're just like, you know, they're camping here. So, Gabriel. Dude, we don't want to take a sledgehammer to your psychological. defense mechanisms as much as like we're going to do relief like a little bit at a time okay

okay you have to like build up a tolerance to it like you're the boss in this i feel very confident that like you know it's sort of like like if i'm if i'm learning yoga for the first time i don't bend all the way i'll break something or snap something and the mind ain't no different right so like you have to like let your mind gain that flexibility like you're not right like i know you want it like i get that you want the full relief yeah and so like we're going to like teach you how to like handle a little bit at a time okay no yeah that that totally makes sense i was just sitting here thinking like well the thoughts gave to my mind now i'm not sure what i was thinking anymore but I was in agreement with what you're saying

and I was going to make an example. I don't remember anymore. It's okay. Good. So we're short-circuiting your mind, which is good. So that means that your intellectual, like, crap up here is, like, not able to function because there's, like,

emotion that's down below, which is exactly, so that's good. Okay? So, like, you'll, Gabriel, like, you'll get there, man. Like, you don't need to, even, even there's even another layer of, like, don't judge yourself for not being able to get there all at once.

Right? walk in your journey. And so like it's okay to like feel a little bit of emotion, feel a little bit. I get you want more. You'll get there, man. Like I have complete faith in you. Okay. You'll start to feel again. You know, and you're just going to need a little bit of help. Like, and that's okay because let's be honest, you weren't given a whole lot of help for like what sounds like the first two decades of life. Yeah, pretty much. I'm 23 now. And and if your solace and bright point of your life was S.A. Dota. like, yeah, it was so good.

And I actually had an offer to be like, people still invite me. I'm not trying to like suck my defense, but people are still invite me even though like I haven't played for months. I got a thing offered. I'm like, I don't know. I just don't feel like playing.

Yeah. So now we, okay, I mean, so I, we stepped into the ring twice. I'm hesitant to step into the ring a third time. I feel like that size is what we're looking for. That's our limit, okay? You feel okay with that? Yeah. How's your disappointment? It's not, actually. Okay, good. Right. So I know that earlier when I said, I don't know if we can

get there. You felt disappointed. It's cool. Like, that's fine. It's all part of the game. Yeah. So that's what actually... It was like, it was like a little voice in my head like, oh no, even Dr. Kay can't help. It's so. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Right. So, so like that's like, we triggered that, you know, I'm broken. EX.C. And so you came here with that, that, you know, like, oh, because Dr. K will help me. Like, and oh, my God, like he can't, oh, my God, I'm screwed. And then it's okay. We'll get there.

Okay. Yeah. So now, if it's okay with you, if you're really feeling okay with it, I mean, if you want to go round three, we can try to. Each round we go, it's going to be trickier for me to do in one setting because I have to like squirt, skirt past some of your, you know, intellectual stuff. But I think it's, if you're feeling okay with it, two rounds or. relief. I'd like to share a couple of concepts with you if that's okay. Yeah, absolutely. What's going on? I said, I accidentally said squirt instead of skirt and Twitch chat is having a field day with me. I noticed, but I was like, whatever. Yeah, I know. So, so here's the first thing that I

want to say, Gabriel. Okay. So what, so you were kind of talking about how like you experienced anxiety and panic attacks and underneath was depression. Right? and you kind of call it depression because you're maybe not feeling sad, but you don't have any motivation, there are problems with your concentration, things like that. So this is the first thing to understand. Trauma is the great chameleon of mental illness because it can look like and manifest as anything. So one of my teachers once told me that if anyone has three separate diagnoses, all of them are wrong. And chances are it's trauma. So like any time I work with someone who says, I was dealing with anxiety first and then I fixed the anxiety and I found depression, you're going to fix the depression too and you're going to find something else.

That's exactly the feeling I was describing to some people. I'm like, the more I fix, the more shit I find. And that's trauma in short. Okay. So trauma is the great chameleon of mental illness. Like it just manifests as all these different kinds of things. It's like morphing where like one minute it's this thing and then it's going to turn into something else and then it's going to turn into something else. The good news is that even though it changes shape on you, that usually means you're making progress.

And at the end of the day, if you can get to the root of the trauma, all of the individual symptomatic manifestations will fall apart. And this is where we have to talk a little bit about the Western system of psychiatry, right? because these are symptomatic diagnoses. When I say you have anxiety, that is not about a root, it's about a symptom. Oh, I get nervous and sweaty when I speak in front of people. I feel tightness in my throat when I queue up for a game of Dota. Good God, bro. I'm so sorry.

Like Dota's our last bastion from panic attacks and anxiety. And you're so screwed if you don't even have that. Right? But it's a symptom. It's not like a root. It's not like you have, you know, Dota is not the root of your mental illnesses. It may be the root of other people's mental illnesses,

but in yours, it's a symptomatic manifestation. And this is why people get saddled with like multiple diagnoses. I'm sure that someone will diagnose you with anxiety, someone will diagnose you with panic attacks, someone will diagnose you with depression, someone will definitely diagnose you with ADHD. And at the root of it all is trauma. And so like as trauma,

manifests in different ways, our diagnostic system, because it focuses on symptoms, will end you up with like four diagnoses on your chart if you're not careful, okay? But at the bottom of it is trauma. So let's talk a little bit about like, you know, what happens in trauma and how these different things happen. So if we really listen to you, what we hear is really one problem, which is that you're busted. There's something fundamentally broken with you, right? And for women, it's one thing.

You went down the in-cell route, right? So you could have gotten diagnosed with in-cell syndrome. You know, when it comes to like school, it may have been something else. When it comes to Dota, like it's something else. Like the one message that you've gotten over and over and over again is like you're busted and broken in some fundamental way. And where does that come from? So it comes from trauma and very specifically where does it come from? So when you're a child or an infant, really, because do you know if you were physically abused when you were like one year old, two years old, things like that?

I cannot remember, but I would not put it past my father. Sure. So like this is essentially what happens. When you're now your philosophical, scientific self is going to love this shit. Okay. So when you are young, there's this thing called theory of mind, which is the realization that other human beings, exist. Okay? So when you're very young, you don't realize that other human beings exist. Like your brain really doesn't have that capacity. As we get a little bit older, like as we become a

toddler, like let's say two years old, three years old, four years old, we start to realize there are other organisms. Like so, like when you're an infant, when you're one year old, you're a single player in a sandbox game. There aren't even NPCs. And then like when you're five years old, you sort of start to realize, oh, there are NPCs in the world. And then, like, when you become an adolescent, this is why adolescence is so terrifying, you start the process of discovering these aren't NPCs. This is actually an MMO with other players. And that everyone is their own PC in their own world. And as we become adults and hopefully if we become empathic and stuff, we begin to realize that there are all these other people in the world. And so the interesting thing is,

once we realize there are other people in the world and something goes wrong, whose fault can it be? All be yours. So that's what you think because, but once PCs exist, right? Like, once other people are, this is exactly, like you answer the question incorrectly, which shows us the problem and shows us your thinking. Because once two people exist in the world, responsibility can be on either one. but if you're a solo player in a sandbox game whose fault is it it can only be your fault so this is what we see in trauma and it's actually like very well studied now and we sort of

know this that because of theory of mind if i'm a one-year-old child and i get hit whose fault is it it's my fault and if you think about it if if we didn't think this way we could not function as infants. So when I learn, when I'm learning how to walk and I stumble and fall, I have to think about what I need to do differently. I can't go around like blaming my mom for me stumbling and falling at the age of one. It's just you'll never learn anything. And so like our brains are wired to blame only ourselves, which is why trauma is so devastating. Because when you get abused, like the pain that you feel, you think is your fault. Like every time your dad hits you, you think you're doing something wrong. It's your fault. It's your fault. It's

your fault because you're the only thing that exists in the world. And then we get to this complex where you go through life blaming yourself constantly. Because early on, like your mind is like, oh, clearly like when I'm in pain, it's my fault because other people don't exist. And then you discover that formula, that formula gets, you know, not really hardwired, but it gets put in right protect mode, so it's hard to change. And then as you go through life, that formula gets reinforced. Right? When girls reject you,

there's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. Yeah. There's something wrong with me. I was just about saying, it makes a lot of sense for me because back when I was an insult, that's exactly what would happen. It's like, like, girls would reject me and I'm like, what did I do wrong? Just because they weren't into me.

Like, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I know that's now, but back then. Yeah. So then what happens is we have the trauma and then our intellectual mind comes up with all the adaptations and protections and defense mechanisms, which is what happens within cells, right? So like, I can't deal with my sense that I'm doing something so wrong. So let me construct an external worldview that, like, deflects blame from myself. Okay? And this is where like you are just misattributing blame right and left. Like we're like, because now like when it comes to your mom, you're taking too much blame. And we're. And we're like, and we're like, because now like, when it comes to your mom, you're taking too much blame. and when it comes to ins cells, they're attributing too much blame to the outside world. Right?

So, like, the point, though, is that something about the responsibility structure in your mind has gotten, like, miswired. And so we see this a lot because, like, and this is why, like, it's going to keep on manifesting as weird things.

As long as you're fundamentally busted, it's going to manifest in particular symptomatic ways. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense because, like, for example, I have all these philosophical ideas that I said I want to be able to do. to write a book or make some YouTube video.

So I have them here on a notebook. And what will usually happen is, will you allow me to read a very short story? Sure. Something that I rolled down that I felt very good about. And basically what happens is after enough time passes, I'm like, yeah, you know that good thing you wrote down that you're proud of?

Yeah, it's trash. Don't share it with anyone. That happens a lot. So there's this thing I wrote. I'm just going to read it. Take notice of your insecurities and alter projections of past events. By fixing this, you will no longer be anxious and require your ego to protect you. So that's like the type of things that I write down and then, you know, I can go deeper into it if I'm going to make a video about it.

And so I write these things down and it depends on how good I felt about it. The better I felt about the idea at the moment, it takes longer for that thought to come. but eventually it comes like either a couple hours or a couple days I'm like yeah you know that thing you wrote down it's obvious it's not there's no point in sharing it absolutely so now let's talk a little bit about like principle number two which is how this trauma leads to a lack of motivation so like there's a there's an equation that's going on in your head right like you you do something that you're proud of and then that voice creeps up in the back of your mind that then says, this is dumb.

Because from a very young age, you were taught that you're fundamentally busted, right? So when you get abused and you start to like blame yourself for the things that happened to you, which is the basic problem, like that's what you experienced through and through, then how can you ever be motivated? Because what's the point? If you were fundamentally busted in even your greatest,

greatest efforts are actually trash. Why would you ever act? So this is where like, you know, when you say there's a lack of motivation, absolutely. So the motivation, the lack of motivation is because like human beings, our brain is wired to predict the success of an action. And that's what causes us to act. Like, I'm not going to go, you know, try to chop down a tree to get a glass of water because my brain says like it's absurd. My brain's like there's no point in doing that because it'll never work. And so as long as you believe that thing about yourself, the motivation will be not even hard to come by. It'll be impossible to come by. It doesn't mean that you can't act. Right? But like as as long as there's a voice in your head telling you any action you take is

worthless because it's never going to amount to anything, it's going to be impossible to motivate yourself. So that's what we sometimes call depression. Because you're like, I don't know what to call this thing. So I'm going to call it depression. Right? Which is fair. It's like it's the experience of depressed people. But I think that depression is actually like a complicated term that can actually lead to like if you follow depression down to its roots, we're going to see multiple things. And what I'd say is if you're struggling with motivation and you have a history of trauma, the key thing that will really just shatter that apart in the same way that we like.

like, you know, cracked your damn and like all kinds of emotions came out. Sadness, anger, relief, happiness. Like, what the hell is going on? The system will fall apart. And in the same way, your lack of motivation will also just like, it'll just crumble, man. That feels very good to hear. Yeah, if you can change your perception of yourself. And that's where we get into like all kinds of other things.

Because if you can't change into your perception of yourself, whose fault is it? mine absolutely it'll keep going okay so be careful for it but I've seen it happen and in the same way that all the emotions

will come rushing out like you'll just start to feel motivated because there's a point to you acting then motivation will come but in order for there to be a point in you acting you have to have

like some degree of like compassion and faith in yourself that you can do it and that's a slow journey and in your case it starts with learning how to feel and also like it's crazy yeah it's crazy you're mentioning this because it's like it's like I was saying I can see an inner knee

like I know what he's like is very like charismatic good with people he has lots of friends like he just goes and does things and his sparkle when I'm deep into meditation I can see that person inside myself so what you're saying makes a lot of sense that I need to try and get to him because all this shit's in the way Yeah, and if you want to go even deeper, you don't need to get to him. He's already there. It's your effort to try to get to him that creates the sense of incapability.

Oh, I'm chasing an idea. Oh, shit. Right? So this is where like, like, it's weird. But as long as you're trying to get to him, you're not him. and what makes you not him is like not being him you know does that sound kind of weird

I completely understand it because I'm all about the philosophical bullshit so I got it you get me so it's it's the chase for the goal that actually it becomes the self-fulfilling prophecy because you don't need to be any different Gabriel that dude's there bro

you're there we've seen him today you've always been you it's fucked up because people tell me that all the time. They can see my charisma and my whatever. And I'm just like, no, I don't think it's there. Right, but you know it's there. It's the fact that you can't see it, that moves it away.

Yeah, that's exactly what happens. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, it's like you were saying, as long as I chase it, I'm not going to get to it. I just need to keep. I completely understand. And it reminds me of, you know, Vichita chasing Goku, who he's like, he never gets up.

He catches love because he's just chasing. Yeah. And this is where there's, you know, like the last thing I'll kind of leave you with is this sort of idea from like, like this is why like when we look at enlightenment, there's all of the Zen masters will say that we're already enlightened.

We actually don't need, you can't become enlightened. You can't become anything. There's just what is. And so like the first thing that a Zen master does when they become enlightened is laugh because, and someone asks him, why are you laughing like a crazy person? Like, this has all been a gargantuan waste of time. I didn't need to do any of it. I was already perfect. And so even when we say enlightenment, we will also translate it as realization. Realization is not about gaining something new. Right? It's, you already have it. You just realize it.

Yeah, it's noticing what is. Right? So like when you meditate and you feel that perfect you, that's not a perfect you. It's you. And as long as you think of it as a perfect you, you will by definition create an imperfect you. The two come hand in a hand. Yeah. Yeah, because I will be the one that is not that.

Yep. So as long as there's a this, you're going to create a that. and since you love the philosophical stuff, that is the root of Advait Vedanta. You know what that is. It's non-dualism, which is like the major yogic philosophy that I tend to teach from in terms of.

I'm actually not familiar. Yeah, so I'll, so it's A-D-V-A-I-T-A, V-A-N-T-A. I'll message you in Discord. Okay. But it's sort of this idea that like, you know, there's just a one thing and everything else is an artificial construction

that's created from the mind. And I think when you, as you start to like, you know, meditate and stuff, you'll begin to understand. So this is a philosophy that wasn't developed as a philosophy. It wasn't developed as an intellectual exercise. It was the way that people tried to put into words, the experiences of meditation. Makes sense. So, you know, any questions? Not really, I think.

You've taught me a lot because you're definitely. right on the thing that, you know, I wasn't trying to come across that way. I was as smart as when I joined, but I definitely had this whole thing of, you know, I've learned a lot. I've done all these things and blah, blah, blah. And you've helped me see something that I could not see. So that's the biggest gift I could ask for. I'm happy to give it. So I'm going to leave you with a meditation practice. And I guess I'm going to leave it for everyone. I don't know that many people are going to be able to do it very easily. But like Gabriel, this is the main thing you need to learn. When you meditate and you find

your perfect self, I want you to just sit between your perfect self and your imperfect self. So every time you tell yourself you are incapable, that should become your meditation. And I want you to look at that and realize like, why do I feel imperfect now? And when you meditate and you feel that true you, why do you feel like that's the true you? Like, because if you really want to overcome this, you need to understand, like, what is the true you? So every time you feel incapable, sit with it. Every time you meditate, sit with it in the same way. Be non-judgmental. Don't prefer one over the other. And for those of you who have experience with meditation, I would encourage you to do the same thing, right? So like, when we meditate, we sometimes see a version of ourselves that we

try to gravitate towards. Why do we prefer that person as opposed to this person? What's the difference? I want you to swim in that space between perfection and imperfection. Sounds hard, but I know what you're saying. Yep. And so what you'll discover, I'll give you a little, do you want a hint? Yes, please.

So what you'll discover, this is the real thing, it says you swim between perfection and imperfect. Like, there's the perfect you and there's the imperfect you, right? hopefully one day you'll realize who the fuck is doing the swimming that's a very good question huh no i don't have a philosophical bullshit answer this time so good because you're never going to have one it's impossible so that's good so then that's the meditation practice for you so at the edge of philosophy i'm not saying philosophy is bad it's definitely very useful but at the edge of philosophy comes subjective experience because philosophy is like the translation of it's the objectification of

subjective experience that we try to transmit between each other. So by all means, like, do philosophy, dude, write your book, share your thoughts because I genuinely think they have value. I think you need to work on them, right? So. Thank you. That means a lot coming from you because I definitely felt, I didn't know you wanted to write a book on philosophy, but like within the first five minutes, I thought the way that you put things together is like quite good.

it's like Instagram calendar level tweet level deep shower thoughts yeah slash I am very smart level stuff I've done so much introspection and gone through so much that I want to share this with other people pretty much so that's how I see it I think it's fine to share but I would really learn be a master of it before you share it don't share a half-baked thing

Make sense. Right? So like devote yourself to this and then like absolutely write a book, but like it should be packaged, complete and thorough. Okay. I'll take that advice. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. You're very welcome, man. See ya, chat. See ya. Okay, chat. Tricky one was Gabriel. Right now, Amazon is offering some amazing extra perks that come with a job offer. If you start a warehouse job, you can get a $1,000 sign-on bonus.

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