HealthyGamerGG - You Graduated, Now What?

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about what to do now that you've graduated, moving into adulthood, and being able to structure your life to get everything done. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're basically trying to figure out how to do the rest of being an adult. Yeah. I know that's pretty broad. No, I mean, but that's the whole thing, right? Like, now that you're an adult, like, what does that entail? It entails a lot of stuff. And there ain't no school for that. Hi.

Hello, friend. Welcome. Thank you. What do you go by? My name is Jackson. Hello, Jackson. Yeah. This is sort of weird.

I never really thought I was going to get on the stream, but there you go. Hello. And so what's the prompt for today again? Remind me? Yeah. So what I wrote was I finally sort of am starting to feel optimistic about where my life is headed. Shocking. I just graduated.

Yeah, I just graduated. I got a job, got my own apartment. Wow, dude. Oh, my God. crushing it. Yeah, just, you know, all sort of. came like really quick. And I've, you know, like with all that,

it sort of feels like the foundation is finally built for, you know, everything else to start, I guess, you know, now that I'm 22 in a college grad. But now, like, I'm trying to figure out what the best thing is to focus on next. Sure. How to build a routine, especially because I have ADHD and that has sort of always been an issue for me.

and then sort of also how to continue growing rather than stagnating. Okay. So first of all, Jackson, huge congratulations on graduating. Huge congratulations on getting a job. Huge congratulations on moving in, I guess, moving into your own place or you have roommates or what? No, this is my own place. Oh, my goodness. Dude.

Yeah. What luxury? Even I have roommates. At my age. Yeah. they'll never move out. Well, yeah, 18 years ago. And so what I'm sort of hearing from you is that, like, you've done a lot of stuff right.

But I heard one phrase that I thought was actually quite heavy, which is now I have to start working on everything else. Yeah. So what I'm almost hearing from you is that, like, someone told you what to do. You were, like, told, like, okay, you got to graduate. You got to find a job. you got to move out. And so it was like pretty clear what you're supposed to do with your life up until this point.

Yeah. But now you're not really sure how to tackle everything else. Because that sounds like a lot. Yeah. What do you think includes, what's in everything else? Um, I mean, I guess mostly the stuff I haven't done yet. Um, you know, that's, I feel like it's sort of self-explanatory, but, Um, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm 22 and I've never really, like, dated. I've never, like, I don't, I've never had a solid routine where I, like, actually sort of parent myself. Um, I've, you know, just, I don't have, like, I don't consistently work out, even though I want to. There's a lot of things like I want to do, but the discipline and the, you know, I guess knowledge of how to get there has always gotten in the way.

And now that I'm 22, and I have time and, you know, I have a job, so I'm self-sufficient. I feel like now I finally can. Yeah. So that's, that's, I'm both excited for you and I can see how this is actually like actually kind of hard. Yeah. You know, because it's like, oh, like, I have all this time and I can do all these things. But like, wait, how do I actually get started? How do I build a routine?

How do I start? Oh, my goodness. So let me just, can I think for a second? Yeah, of course. Is there a particular... Okay, so let me just try to understand. So you're basically trying to figure out how to do the rest of being an adult. Yeah.

I know that's pretty broad. No, I mean, but that's the whole thing, right? Like, like, that's that, but I mean, that's exactly the issue. Yeah. Is that we're like, now that you're an adult, like, what does that entail? It entails a lot of stuff. And there ain't no school for that. Yeah.

I mean, it actually seems like pretty overwhelming. So what do you, let me, let me ask you, are you feeling okay about yourself in general? Like, are you feeling like you're going to figure this out over time? Or are you kind of like worried about this? I think in general I feel pretty good about, I think. like I think I'll I'll figure it out eventually but I don't know what eventually is and I'd rather you know be proactive about it rather than like let it happen and figure it out when I figure it out you know if I if there's anything I can do to make it happen I'd rather you know

work towards that okay and when you when you talk about discipline help me understand what you mean about like so it sounds like you want to become more disciplined What does that mean? I mean, I guess this was a really big issue for me during college, especially with COVID and everything. I got diagnosed with ADHD not even a year ago. It was December. So, you know, I've always struggled with that discipline of doing what needs to be done, even if I didn't want. want to do it or even if I did want to do it.

If I, like, just, you know, doing all that was really hard. And I felt like actually the routine of waking up for, you know, like in high school, that was really easy, you know, you go up, you get up at the same time every day, five days a week, you go there for most of the day and then you come back. It's almost like a job. And then you get to college and you have so much more free time. that I felt like all of that discipline that I had was really just the schedule that was provided for me. And when I had a class in the morning and then a six hour break until my next class that might have been at night,

and whatever classes might be online, you know, if I could just skip those, like those, all of that sort of really, I feel like devolved my discipline for me. like it really like disintegrated in front of me. Okay. Now that I have a nine to five, I think it's a little bit easier now, you know, because I have to be, I have to show up at nine,

and I have to be there until five. So that structure is already built for me. But as in terms of what I do after work, like if I'm going to be productive, like I really, like there's been a lot of, you know, it's been three weeks working at this job.

And, you know, there's stuff around the apartment I need to do that. I need to clean. I need to cook. Like, you know, do the dishes. I need a vacuum. I need to research whatever. I need to, you know, like, there's things to do. And more often than not, I don't do them.

Not because I don't want to, but more just because I don't have the discipline to make a schedule for a day or something like that. You know, I've always, yeah. Okay. That's sort of where I'm at. Fantastic, Jackson. So we're going to, I mean, not, not. Yeah, yeah, I get that. So that's very useful information.

Let me put it that way. Yeah. So I'm going to try to help you out. And what we're going to do is first break down. I'm going to give you a broad plan of how to become an adult. Okay. Cool. And then what we're going to do is actually focus on, I'm going to kind of sketch out what the house is supposed to look like.

And then I'm going to teach you how to put two or three bricks together. Sounds good. Okay. So the first thing is like, broad scale speaking, if you've been working for three weeks, I would not take on a whole lot of other stuff quite yet. So adapting to a new circumstance takes your brain like somewhere between a month or two months. So I'd say for the first two months, your goal is actually like the most important goal is just that you show up at work every day and you don't like screw up. Does that make sense?

Yeah. So like, you know, obviously you got to do dishes and stuff at some point. but like give yourself cut so recognize that you don't have to become an adult within three months of graduating college right like by the time you're 25 like you're going to want to sort all this stuff out so i'd give yourself honestly a couple of years okay to learn how to like you know manage an apartment like that takes time to learn how to like pay taxes like that takes time like there's a bunch of stuff that's going to be on your plate which your brain can only be learning so many things at once And also kind of related to that, I would sort of put in order developing basic discipline and a routine, then exercise, and then tackle dating. Because the thing about dating is that, first of all, if you're not looking for something and you're just active and social, there's a really good chance you'll find something.

And also, if all of that other stuff is sorted out, dating can be rough. and so you really want to have the rest of your life kind of like support you in the sense that you can't deal with, you know, things falling apart in other dimensions and deal with the stress of dating. Does that make sense? That's sort of where I've been like throughout college. That was like I never really tried because I felt like I always had something I needed to improve on first.

Yeah. Okay. So that you've got to be careful about because that can, you can do that until the day you die. You can go to be 80, right? That's also why I'm like talking about this. Yeah. I don't want to do that. Well, so, but I mean, I think you're well within the, you know, it's like, I think

it's reasonable for you to be focusing on education, focusing on like building your life before you kind of dive into dating. So let's talk a little bit about ADHD for a second. Okay. Sure. So I'm really glad that you saw a professional. It sounds like you got diagnosed and you're in treatment or whatever, right? Is that?

Okay, good. Yeah. So I'm going to teach you to just some general stuff about ADHD. ADHD. So as you mentioned earlier, you were in a college situation where you had a class and then you had some like self-directed learning and then you've got this evening class. And generally speaking, the more unstructured your life is, the more dangerous it is for your ADHD. Does that make sense? So let's understand that for a second. So attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is essentially a disorder of attention. So what that means is that your attention will have difficulties

sitting on a particular task. So one of the biggest antidotes to ADHD is actually like structure. So in an unregulated environment where I can do 15 different things, someone who is neurotypical may be able to focus on the one thing that they're supposed to do. The problem with ADHD is in an unstructured environment, it's very hard for some people with ADHD to focus on the one thing they're supposed to. And so that results in them like being easily distracted by the 14 other things. Does that make sense? Yeah.

From a neuroscience perspective, the circuits of habit and the circuits of directing attention in transition points are completely different. Does that make sense or do I need to explain that more? Uh, I can explain more. Yeah. So, anytime we're in a transition point, like if I walk into a room and I sit down and I haven't started a task, I haven't sort of engaged in autopilot, that's a very vulnerable time for me to be distracted, right?

So if I sit down at my computer, like, I can open up Reddit, I can open up YouTube, I can open up a video game, or I can open up my syllabus. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Once I open my syllabus, I may still be prone to some amount of distraction, but it's easier to read the second line of the syllabus than it is to open up the syllabus and make the first line. Does that make sense? Yes. So the cool thing about structure for people with ADHD is that they remove, structure removes the ambiguity from your situation. Yes.

The ambiguity in your situation is what really causes problems with ADHD because you could do anything. Does that make sense? Yes. So the first thing that I'm going to say is it's not about discipline. Okay? So it's really about structure. And you may say to yourself, are those two the same thing? No, they're actually not.

So what you need to do is anchor activities in a particular way, which I'll go into more detail about what that means. And that's how you're going to get stuff done. Because the more unstructured time you have, it's like your ADHD is going to run buckwild all through this like unstructured time. Yeah. Okay. So then the question is, okay, so then how do I structure my day?

That's where I, what I would really do is anchor what you want to accomplish to things that you are already doing. So, for example, if you want to exercise, it's got to be, do you commute to work? A few days a week, but mostly work from home. Okay. So this is really important. So when you say a few days a week, are we talking two days a week or three days a week? it's whatever I want technically. So currently too, but it's only been three weeks so I could move it up.

Okay. So this is the kind of thing where I would really recommend. So if you're going two days a week, I would like go to the gym or anchor your exercise to your commute. Yeah. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. So you can't, if you can work out at any time, you're going to work out at no time. Yeah. Right?

you're going to figure, you said to yourself that I'll figure this out eventually, but I don't know how long that's going to take. Right. So we have to be careful about nebulous stuff. So what I really do very concretely is, first of all, focus on structure, formation. And basically, the stuff that you are already, like, kind of bound to do is where you should add the next thing. Does that make sense? Yeah. How do you feel about implementing something like that? I think I've sort of realized that. Like, I know the structure is what helps my brain, like, good. You know, work, I guess, more like a neurotypical one. I just always struggled with that first, you know, opening of that syllabus.

Like, that was, that was always, you know, I always went to Reddit or YouTube or a game, you know. And then, you know, the next thing I knew it was 6 p.m. and I hadn't actually done anything. Yep. So, you know, I think that I realized that, but the hardest part for me has been like, what time do I pick when it is unstructured? When do I do it? And I guess now that it is sort of structured with, you know, the nine to five, that's sort of there.

That's the key thing, right? So you can't, so if you try to create structure from nothing and you have ADHD, it's very hard. Yeah. You can tell yourself, I'm going to wake up at 8 a.m. every day and I'm going to exercise and then I'm going to clean the kitchen and then I'm going to cook. But without that actual like structural anchor, right, like you have to show up from 9 to 5. That's a structural anchor which your ADHD brain can't fight against. Does that make sense? So the way to do it is like you're almost going to build like, you know, like I don't know if you've seen these cities that have, you know, like slums that kind of spread. out, not even slums, but like suburbs that spread out, you've got the city center, and then we

move out a little bit to the east and move out a little bit to the north and then move out to like south. And then like, we keep on creeping outward from this base. And then eventually we have a sprawling metropolis around us. You're kind of familiar with that? I don't know if you play like sieve or things like that. But all the space. So what you need to do basically with your life is like build structure the same way, which is that you can't just create structure out of nothing. Like you can't just like create a palace in the desert. You've got to build it on. If you have ADHD especially, you've got to build on to other things.

So that's where I even say like if you go into the office two days a week, I don't know what your exercise situation is. Like if you've got a home gym or you've got a gym at your apartment complex or you want to get a gym membership or whatever. But what I would really try to do is anchor what you want to accomplish to existing structure. Gotcha. Do you think that's going to be? helpful and if you say no then that's fair. No no that makes a lot of sense. I think that I never really quite thought of it that way but I think like even just think of it now that like in my head that

I like I am the most like prone to doing like to working out after I like get home from commuting that I am if I just work from home all eight hours in the day and like just I get up from my desk, you know, that's... Yeah, 100%, right? So that's where if you're going to work out at home, that's where I'd say, like, then you should go into the office three days a week. And I know it's weird because it's like, oh, my God, I can work from home. But, like, if that's what you have to do to start building that structure, and then if you

do that often enough and your brain makes a habit, that's the really interesting thing. So with ADHD, the habit circuitry is completely different. So, like, it's not like, so, Jackson, when you brush your teeth, Do you ever get distracted once you start brushing your teeth, or do you finish brushing your teeth once you get started? Distracted. You get distracted brushing your teeth? Sometimes.

I mean, I guess. That's the case. But you finish brushing your teeth, right? Yeah, yeah, I always finish. Yeah. But like, do you stop in the middle and do other things? No, well, I guess I do other things while I do it. I don't know.

Okay, but you're still brushing your teeth, right? Yeah, I guess, yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah. We're not an autopilot. I don't know. But like, like, so, you know, I know you'll be on your phone or whatever, but like, my point is that the teeth brushing thing, brushing has some amount of like automaticity to it. Yes.

Yeah. And so like once you start brushing, you may get mentally distracted, but the teeth brushing behavior continues. Gotcha. And that, you may find the same thing even if you exercise, which is like if you get home at 5 p.m. If you get home at 5.30 every day and like, let's say Monday, Wednesday, Friday, you get home at 5.30 or Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, right? Because who wants to go into the office on Friday? Yeah. But.

And so you get home at five, you work out, or you work out on the way home, would be even better if you can somehow swing that. But if you can't, you know, no sweat. Or what you want to do is if you have like a workout body and you go to the gym, so that kind of structure can be really useful. And basically you've got to create that structure for yourself. But you can't create that structure in a vacuum. That's the big thing that a lot of people miss is they're like, I just need to wake up at 8 a.m. every day. And what I need is discipline. No, no, no.

You want to take what is already structured. your day and then tack on the workout before that or after that. Okay. And then I think the rest of the stuff will come. Like once you learn that principle and you start baking in that principle, then you can start adding additional stuff. Like when are you going to do your dishes? So like, what do you think would be a good plan for your dishes? Uh, I mean, currently, I just sort of try to do it before I go to bed. Uh, I feel like probably like, you know, whatever accumulates, do it after I finish eating dinner would probably be better, but I'm not really, like, even then, like, because I'll do work, and then I'll do something else, then I'll remember I need to eat, and then I'll make

dinner, and then I'll, you know, be doing something else while I eat dinner, and I'll just get sidetracked until it's, like, almost time to go to bed, and then I don't really want to do the dishes. Yeah, so your plan is probably not going to be very successful, because I'm not hearing that you're anchoring doing dishes to some kind of structure. Exactly. So what's some kind of structure that you could anchor the dishes to? I suppose, I mean, I could always just do them in the morning before work. Right?

So that's something where, like, do you wake up with enough time to do the dishes before you go to work? Yeah. Okay. So, you know, I think that makes sense. So if you, like, clock in at 9 a.m., then what I would do is, like, like, spend like 20 or 30 minutes before that, like straightening things up. Do you think that's something you could do? Yeah.

Chat is suggesting that you do dishes while you brush your teeth. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. But yeah, I know it sounds almost kind of like too simple, Jackson, but it's weird because you really do have to understand how your brain with ADHD works. And you basically have to recruit, you can't rely on like attentional fluctuation, like that your mind in any of these transition periods will just do the right thing because you'll just get distracted. So what you've got to do is really tack on to that existing structure. Cool. Cool.

Am I going to learn about this in the ADHD part of the doctor? You're going to learn a ton. I don't know that this is something that we teach specifically in that, which is good because you learned this from me now. Extra. So the other stuff, you'll learn a lot about like organization. Hopefully you'll learn a lot of good stuff. I mean, yeah, I hope so, but I pre-ordered it, so cool. Well, you're going to get it for free now, so, you know, thanks for pre-ordering anyway. We really appreciate it. Yeah. All right, take care, man. Anything else? Um, I don't think so. I think that that's the biggest struggle I've had recently, so I really appreciate it. All right, take care. Yeah, you too. All right, so just

quick summary. So this is something to understand about ADHD. If you have a neurotypical brain, you can sort of direct your attention during transitions. So if I like take a shower, for example, like when I'm done taking a shower and I get dressed, like I can tell my mind, okay, it's time to start working. I sit down at my computer, I open up my work. This happens to all of us, but it's really easy to get distracted on our computer, right? So like we can open up Reddit or open up social media or Twitter or whatever. Like, it's so easy to get distracted. We especially get distracted during transition points.

So during transition points is where there's a circuit in your brain that's like, okay, I could start working or I could get a really quick hit of dopamine. Let me just get a super quick, just a taste of that Twitter. Let me just get a taste of it and just, mm, right? And so we kind of like, and if you've got ADHD, that struggle is way harder to deal with. So how do we tackle this kind of situation? If you want to build discipline in your life, it's not so much about discipline, especially if you've got ADHD, because you're not going to be able to force your mind into

something. Does that make sense? Because when we think about discipline, we're talking about using willpower consistently over time to direct our mind in a particular way. Do we want to eventually build that? Absolutely. The key thing about someone who has ADHD is that their habit circuitry is still generally speaking relatively intact. So what we actually want to do, if you want to do something new and you've got ADHD,

we want to build off of some kind of existing structure. So for example, working out when we're driving home, because once we get home, it's like all bets are off, right? I'm going to randomly do this for a while. I'm going to randomly do this for a while. I'm going to randomly do this for a while. And I won't be able to direct my mind. But if I get in my car when I'm leaving work and I put in my GPS the address to the gym, and I go straight to the gym, I have my bag packed, I work out, or even if I forgot my bag, because I've got ADHD, I'm still going to work out, right? Or I'm going to keep a spare set in the car, or all kinds of other stuff. I'm going to work out on my way home. And then what's magical is if you do that long enough, then you'll start to entrain a habit. Okay? So that's a key

tip for people with ADHD is that you don't want to sort of rely on forcing your mind to do the right thing during a transition, you actually want to build off of existing structure to accomplish what you set your mind or what you want to.