HealthyGamerGG - You Have No Idea Who You Are

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Today Doctor K talks about how to find your self, letting go of your past self, and rebuilding the connection to yourself you once had. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So what tends to happen is sometimes when we lose sight of ourselves, we try to hold on to the echoes of who we used to be. What comes from inside? So a lot of like motivation, desire, excitement. These are the kinds of things that come from the inside. You can't really like logic your way to being fulfilled, right? Like you can't just like logic your way to like being motivated, right? So like maybe in your teenage years you were excited about stuff and you were like, oh, it would be cool to do this or cool to do this. You know, now with the pandemic, if you're a teenager, now that can actually be really challenging

because it's hard to be excited. The problem here is that once you lose sight of your internal voice, and we'll talk a little bit about what that is and where that comes from, the best that we have is intellect to guide us. Okay, the image of the person I thought I am got destroyed and now I feel dead inside. Hi, the story is long, but maybe it's is not all needed to give you the answer, so I'll keep it short. I'm over 30 now. I was or I thought I am the person I know and like for over 20 years and then something happened. It destroyed the image I had of myself.

I was not sure who I am at this moment. I didn't know what to do and I think I slowly was going closer to do what the person I knew before would do. And then something happened again that stabbed that image again. I feel dead inside, I think. I don't feel it every day though. I even thought I'm okay. I thought I'm okay to this point in that I was thinking about being a recovery coach because I went through some stuff and I'm okay now.

Today I started thinking that what I would say if I told Dr. Kay all my story. I got to some point, I started thinking about it and I realized I'm not okay. How can I help someone if I'm not okay? I miss the person if I was and if I'm not that person I feel dead inside because it is like that person I thought I am is dead. I'm scared to try to be me I knew again because I tried twice and all it did was to hurt me again. I feel like I don't know if the person I thought I was was even real. I don't know who I am now. Nothing matters, but I don't want to kill myself because I don't even know who is that myself. Life goes on and I pretend even to be myself that everything is okay.

until the moment like this happens when I realize how I feel. What do you think about it? What would you suggest? For first time, people, welcome. So I know that this post can sound a little bit confusing, but let's start by trying to understand a little bit about what this person is experiencing. So oftentimes, what can be challenging for us is that we have a sense of who we are. And this sense of self kind of hopefully develops like early on during after.

adolescence or our teenage years, then for many of us, we kind of feel pretty good when we're 20. And then our 20s are actually characterized by some sense of like loss or some sense of losing sight of who you are, some sense of the world kind of kicking in and sort of like, because things when you're a teenager can be sort of bright and fun. And then when your 20s sort of roll in, you can sort of lose sight of that bright, hopeful person you used to be. And then what ends up happening is we sort of try to hold on to that person, right? So like that person used to be like excited to do things. They used to be excited about the future. The world was filled with opportunity. And so then what happens is we start to like, things can happen. If we kind of pay attention to this

post, it sounds like this person had a couple of setbacks. And then when we have setbacks, we sort of lose sight of our positive self. And then we're kind of left with this vacuum of like not being internally motivated because like that person feels like they're gone and all of my motivation came from that person. And then we run into a separate problem, which is that like once we lose track of kind of our inner self, right, that inner kind of guiding force, then what we try to do is we try to figure out, okay, how am I supposed to navigate now? Like if I don't know kind of who I am or where I am or what I should be moving towards, how do I figure out like where to go? If I don't feel naturally excited about anything. And then what we do is we cling to our image of former self.

Well, that person back when they were 20 years old would have done this. That person would have done this and that person would have done this. So we try to like hold on to the memory of who we were. The funny thing is that as we hold on to the memory of who we were, it kind of starts to feel like life is very like artificial because there's no actual internal drive anymore, right? It's sort of like, I want you all to just kind of think about a really simple analogy, which is, let's say that I'm really, really craving to eat a particular kind of food. And I remember that craving. That craving is super, super strong, and I really, really want to eat that food.

And then as I start to eat it, I start to get satisfied. And then the craving kind of goes down. And then my desire to eat doesn't really, like, isn't there anymore, right? Because in this situation, it's been satisfied. But then what sort of happens is that if I continue holding on to that relic of what I wanted before, and I think to myself, oh, like, this food made me happy before. so let me eat it again, let me eat it again, let me eat it again. It's not going to bring you the same kind of joy. So what tends to happen is sometimes when we lose sight of ourselves, we try to hold on to the

echoes of who we used to be. And in holding on to the person that we used to be, we actually end up getting ourselves stuck, right? Because that's not who we are anymore. And yet we're kind of stuck between this rock and a hard place because I don't really know who I am. So how do I move forward? Because that internal voice isn't there anymore, but the best I've got, right? Because that's like the best you've got is like the memory of who you used to be. And so then you start to chase after that kind of thing. And yet, like, even if you try to chase after it, that internal motivation isn't there. So you can start to chase after it, but your actual productivity, your actual enjoyment, your actual ability to tolerate difficult circumstances without that internal drive, all of that

becomes more difficult. And so then what happens is even if we're chasing after the echo, of who used to be, our productivity, our performance, our yield from our efforts tends to be very, very low. And that, in turn, causes us to lose more motivation, right? Because now I'm like trying and I'm trying. I tried this. I tried this. I try this. It's not working. It's not working. It's not where I want to be. It's not where I thought I would be. It's not where I wish I was. And then we sort of get like kind of like lost and then we kind of feel stuck and we don't really feel like doing anything. So how do we sort of get out of this situation of kind of feeling dead inside? and furthermore, once I feel dead inside, choosing what to do based on the echo of who I used to be.

Because, like, I remember what I used to like, so maybe I'll just kind of try to do that again, because that seemed to work at some point. Right. So the real solution to this is to discover who you are now. And that's kind of easier said than done, but we'll kind of walk you through how to do that. Because the problem here is that once you lose sight of your internal voice, and we'll talk a little bit about what that is and where that comes from, the best that we have is intellect to guide us.

The problem is that intellect is not like something that gives you fulfillment, right? Intellect can analyze, but it can't provide enjoyment. Our mind may be able to give us like some amount of pleasure through dopamine, but it can't provide us with like life satisfaction. So then what starts to happen is we start to live a very surface level life. And the more we drown ourselves in a surface level life, the further we get away from our kind of deeper self, our true self, whatever, that part of our self that brings fulfillment. And then we kind of get stuck in this situation where we're not

really sure what to do. We don't have an internal compass. But all we know is which way the compass used to be pointing, so we go in that direction and hope that things will work out. So how can we understand how to overcome this situation? Okay? Let's break it down. So, okay? Let's take a look at this. So if you are dead inside, No. Work? Hold on. Hold on.

Dex support. Okay. Good. All right. So let's map out this problem. So I'm, if you feel dead inside. So let's first understand what that means dead inside. How does someone be dead on the inside?

Okay. So there's some psychiatric issues. So for example, there's something called the Kotard delusion, which, you know, hopefully this person, doesn't have, and we have really no way of knowing. That doesn't sound like it. So, Kotar delusion, just interesting factoid. So the Kotar delusion is a particular kind of delusional syndrome where you believe a part of your body or organ is like dead. So I'll feel like, oh, like my stomach is actually dead. Or like my arm is dead. Like, it's like dead flesh. It's kind of weird. It's sort of a misinterpretation by your brain of

proprioception, exceedingly rare. So this is like misinterpretation. of like internal bodily signals, okay? So when we say dead inside, the first thing to understand that there is a little bit of a differential diagnosis here. We're not diagnosing it anything, by the way. But so sometimes

there are like conditions that will make you feel like literally dead inside. But most of the time, what we sort of mean is that there's sort of this inner self that we lose track of. So if you think about like what comes from inside, so a lot of like motivation, desire, excitement, these are the kinds of things that come from the inside.

Okay? And when we kind of talk a little bit about inside, let's try to think a little bit about what are the different realms of self, okay? So at our core, if you ask the yogis, there's something called Thuria. And so Thuria is our innermost being. And Thuria has some of these qualities of, it's also kind of, Thuria technically in Sanskrit means fourth state or other. state. So this is kind of a state of consciousness that is beyond the other states of consciousness.

So what they sort of meant is that, you know, we've got Thuria over here, and then we've got sort of this area over here where purpose, fulfillment, inspiration, comes from like a deeper part of our mind. And then above that, we have sort of our surface level mind. And in the surface level of mind, we get things like dopaminergic stuff, pleasure, enjoyment, emotions, sadness, thoughts. So this is kind of our surface level of mind. So when people say I feel dead in the inside, what I oftentimes find that these people are experiencing is they're stuck up here in this area of mind. So their experience of life is highly mental, as opposed to to like below the mind is like inspiration, fulfillment.

You can't really like logic your way to being fulfilled, right? Like you can't just like logic your way to like being motivated. You can't kind of think your way to being motivated. Sure, you can do mental work that will help you with your motivation, sure. But generally speaking, they're kind of stuck on this surface mental level. So their lives are kind of, you know, dictated by dopamine, the chasing of dopamine so that we can get away from the other negative thoughts, right? So at this surface level of mind, they're doing their level best to be at this end instead of this end. So this is like the positive end. This is the negative end. But the whole point

is that they stay over here and they lose track of the inner self. Okay. And so then what happens is once we lose track of the inner self, and this sort of happens as we kind of develop, right? So as we're kids, we're closer to these parts and theoretically even have some access to Thuria. So this is a state that can be attained from sort of advanced meditation. and things like that. So then what happens is we lose track. So like our inner drives come from a deeper level of mind. Right?

So like maybe in your teenage years you were excited about stuff and you were like, oh, it would be cool to do this or cool to do this. You know, now with the pandemic, if you're a teenager now, that can actually be really challenging because it's hard to be excited. And then when you lose track of your drives, then what happens is you hold on to the memory of your drives. And then you try to get motivated towards. old drives.

And this sort of is a problem because what this actually ends up doing is making you stuck. Because you're a different person now, right? Like you're not the same person you were 10 years ago. You've grown, you've changed, you've maybe become more despairing. Like growth doesn't necessarily have to be positive in all of its emotional valence. Right? So you're like a different person. If you just try to repeat the old thing over and over again, what that's going to do is end up making you stuck.

So instead, what we've got to do is if we've gotten stuck up here, right, and we've sort of lost track of our inner voice, what we need to do is essentially learn how to move further down this way. Right. So we need to move beyond the mind, sort of to the level of drive, and then ideally even find some experience of Thuria. And if we can do that, then like the cool thing is we'll find that natural motivation again. Okay? So the main thing here, the tricky thing is like, how do we lose track of this? And I think what we've learned how to do, what we've forgotten how to do as a society is listen to ourselves. So the core thing that we have to do to get down here is listen to ourselves.

Now, let's think a little bit about why we have forgotten as a society to listen to ourselves. The first is that sometimes down here we have unpleasant stuff. So when we have unpleasant stuff down here, what does the mind want to do? It wants to go back up here. And now the problem nowadays is that going back up here has become way too easy. So it used to be that like the amount of like dopamine you could get 500 years ago was like limited. Right. So like let's say I'm a farmer in like Europe.

And it turns out that, like, I can only distract myself kind of so much. Like, maybe I was the village drunk. So, like, that's a good example of people who were, like, really, really, you know, good at distracting themselves. But there just wasn't that much fun stuff to do. There may be, like, a festival or you may be able to, like, play a, you know, a sport or something like that. But generally speaking, like, you couldn't automatically return to a positive dopaminergic

state of mind. Whereas nowadays, with all of our technology, it becomes really, really easy to, forget to listen to yourself, right? So like, think about it this way. If I'm like playing a video game for eight hours, think about all of the internal signals that I'm suppressing when I do that, right? When I binge watch a TV show or spend hours just like binge watching, like chain watching crap on social media, switch from YouTube to Reddit and then do some Instagram and then do a little bit of TikTok and like, you know, like doom scrolling, right? Like we can just doom scroll for hours. And the other thing that happens when we doomscroll is we're also moving over here from the negative to the

positive. The funny thing is that even doom scrolling can sometimes create negative emotion. So sometimes we're actually, doom scrolling goes this way. Right? This is when I'm looking at pictures of my X or reading about how everything in the world is going to hell. I actually engage my negative emotional mind. So why does our mind do it if it's sort of negative emotion? And that's because it's moving away from the internal self. So the mind just loves to be occupied. The mind sort of doesn't care whether it's like it's lost in sadness or like lost in happiness. What it wants to do is be lost in an emotion and like forget about the internal self. The mind loves that.

Okay. So then we sort of get into the situation where it's like it's so easy to move away from ourselves. And so now what we have to do, unfortunately, is like getting in touch with yourself is now becoming like a harder thing to do. It didn't used to require like training, right? So we've had training for it for thousands and thousands of years, right? These are what the yogis in ancient India discovered, Buddha sort of popularized, right? And then Buddhism spread throughout East Asia and then is now like spreading across, you know,

the Western civilization, Western hemisphere. So there are skills for this, but we didn't need them before. Now with the advent of technology, this is why like, you know, so many people are into meditation now because you need to counteract this force that moves you away from your internal self. And then once again, down here we've got Thuria. Okay? So, how do we do this? The first thing that I'd recommend is that if you're in the situation where you feel dead inside,

go get a mental health evaluation. The first thing you should do. Okay? Why is that? It's to understand that sometimes the feeling of being dead inside is actually contributed to by a psychiatric condition. right? So we mentioned the cotard delusion kind of is an aside. It's exceedingly rare. I don't think, you know, the likelihood that a single person who's watching this is having the cotard delusion is very, very low, right? It's like, I don't think that's actually what's going on. But you may have some degree of depression, right? You could have something like an atypical depression. You may have something like a seasonal affective disorder. There could be all kinds of things going on. And remember that like when it comes to clinical depression, you know, like something like 20 to 35% of the population will experience this. So this number is like very high, right?

And the cool thing here is that there could actually be treatment for this, right? So there may be like neurochemical signals that are altered in your brain that make it hard for you to connect to your internal self. So that feeling of despair, that feeling of like lack of motivation and stuff, there could actually be some kind of neurochemical imbalance. There could be sort of a psychiatric condition going on. And that's the kind of thing where it's like, unless you sort of get that fixed, then the rest of it is going to be very, very hard. So I'd actually start with a mental health evaluation. And this too, if we kind of look at this, you know, I went through some stuff and I'm okay now. This is really important because even if you're okay doesn't mean that you're like healed or fixed, right?

So this is where like it's sort of like if you, you know, if I break a bone and I don't set it and fix it properly, eventually like the bone will heal. heal, and I'll be able to, like, walk again. Let's say I broke a bone in my leg. Like, I can walk again. It's just going to, you know, it's not going to be like ideal. Like, it'll be a little bit harder to walk. It'll take more energy. It'll be a little bit more painful. It'll be harder to climb stairs. And so in that way, mental injuries to us, and this person sort of says, like, you know, they get their internal image has been stabbed. So mental injuries to us also try to heal naturally, but much like physical injuries, they don't necessarily heal the right way automatically. right? They sort of like scab over, whereas like you can sort of mentally reset your mind as well if you kind of heal properly. A good example of this is trauma. So like our body will adapt and equilibrate to trauma, but that doesn't mean that it's actually healing properly. We'll sort of like develop new habits, distrust for other human beings, which is what will happen after we get traumatized. And that's like, that's sort of a natural adaptation to the injury, but it doesn't actually make it an ideal healing.

So it's kind of a no-brainer, but I'd say start with a mental health evaluation because I'm not, I didn't see anything in here that this person had gotten that. Okay. So next thing that we need to do, so remember the goal here for the next steps two, three, four, and five are going to be to like rebuild your relationship with your internal self. Okay. So now what we're going to do is rebuild our connection to self. So this can be done in a manner of different like introspective, spiritual kind of things, but we're actually going to start with what's easiest. So there's this very simple principle from kind of like Eastern spirituality that you start

with the body because the body is the most accessible. So what we're going to do is get our body active. And you may say, okay, what does that mean? Get it active. I mean you just do anything that's active. do anything that your body will send you signals. Okay, that's what we want to do. We just want to be receiving signals.

So a good example of this is, let's say we go for a jog. If you go for a jog and you're huffing and puffing after five minutes, you may think to yourself, oh my God, I'm screwing up so bad, I'm so out of shape. That's not the point. You're doing fantastic if you're huffing and puffing. Because what's happening in that moment is you are reconnecting with internal signals, even if you're huffing and puffing. You can go cycling.

you can do push-ups, you can go for a swim, you can just get your body active. Start to re-engage this sort of like, you know, this is the mind and there's stuff beneath the mind. And when you're huffing and puffing, you're not going to be thinking about anything, right? You're going to be like retouching with your internal body signals. You're going to kind of get like getting back in touch with them. Okay? So just get your body active. Just do something with your body.

And the goal here is just to like get, feel stuff from your body. If you want to exercise, go for it. That has the added benefit. So that's like good. Right? So I'd say like try to do some exercise. And small F, okay. We okay?

Saved, saved. Okay. Next thing that we want to do in terms of getting in touch with our body, this is going to be great, is eat food. Okay? So start with the body. But once again, what you want to do is watch your body's signals in response to the food. So what we want to do is engage internal signals. So you're going to eat foods that you like,

but before you eat them, you're going to pay attention. You're going to grab the food that you want to eat. You're going to stick it in front of you in a plate. And I want you to, first of all, notice the craving, notice the desire. Then you're going to start screwing with your mind. You ready? And then you're going to say to yourself with this food that is in front of you, hey, I'm not going to eat it.

I'm going to eat something healthy instead. I'm assuming that what you want is unhealthy, which is maybe something else. And watch what your mind does, right? Like, you're right? No, no, no. Because here you are, and here's the mind. And we say, no, no, we're going to move in this direction towards the healthy food.

And the mind is like, no, no, no, no, give me this. Give me this. I want to eat it. I want to eat it. I want to eat it. Okay? And that's okay. Like, we're not going to punish our mind.

but just notice what happens within yourself. So now already, like when you do that, like it's really subtle, but it's huge what this practice does. This practice puts you down here. As you are watching the mind, right? So we've got our observer, which is like looking in this direction.

So now we're like looking at the mind and we're just kind of screwing with it. And then what you want to do is eat something that you dislike. Right? So you can eat. the thing that you like. But once again, what we're going to do is pay attention to, like, as we tell the mind, hey, we're moving this direction, it's going to want to move over here. And even if you eat, it's important to eat the food that you dislike. Why is that? Because you

need to experience the dislike. That's really important. So experience the dislike. Because when we experience the dislike, what we're going to do is move in this direction. Does that make sense? Because now our body is like telling us, like you're getting tastes, you're getting flavors. It's not just, thoughts, there's going to be an experience of dislike. Okay? And the likes will become the dislikes and all that. That's a different chapter. Okay. We're not worried about that right now. What we want to do is just get back in touch with our internal signals. Right. So then what's happening is like whether we experience likes or dislikes. Now what we've got is like a better

understanding of motivation towards food over here. Okay. So now like even if you dislike stuff deep down here, it's still waking up, right? It's not dead anymore. It's sending you bad signals. Like, I don't like this. But that's okay. We're getting signals. That's the important thing.

Okay? Now, as you guys do this, now comes the advanced part. So there's going to be like sort of an advanced part and the last part is actually going to be super, super basic, which is going to be our meditation for the day. Now, our advanced part is as we get in touch with the likes and dislikes down here, I want you to notice what?

directs my thoughts. Try to answer this question. Okay? So this is like more inquisitive in nature. So like once you get in touch with, it's kind of hard to describe, but you're going to have all kinds of thoughts up here. You're going to have desires that want to move in this direction. You're going to have desires that want to move in this direction. You're going to have different kinds of actions, right?

I want to do this. I want to do this. You're going to have all this crap going on up. here. And then down here, you're going to have your drives. But like, what actually controls your actions? What controls your thoughts? When you end up doing something, are you operating from up here? Are you operating from down here? And this is where you're going to say, like, yeah, I don't really know. I don't really understand the question even. And that's actually totally fine. This is why you need to lay out the landscape of, like, how the fuck you work on the inside.

And the way that we're going to do this is just by creating safe. and like learning like where do these signals come from? Is this my mind? Is this my body? Is this an internal drive? Right? Is it emotions? Like who knows? The whole point of this is so that you understand like how to control this thing that you are. Okay. Right? So like listen to your heart. Like how do you do that? We're going to figure out are you actually listening to your heart? What's your heart saying? And it's okay if you're being controlled by dopamine. Like that's actually not a problem right now. The main thing is to understand it. Okay. Then we get to number five.

So I'm going to teach you all a meditation to get in touch with your body. This meditation is called Kayashtiram. Okay. If you want to get in touch with your body, the best meditation to get in touch with your body is Kaish Stiram. Okay. So for those of you that are meming and thinking that, oh, Kaish Tira means touch yourself.

Dr. K is going to tell me to touch myself. Dr. K. S-M-R-S-R-S-T-R-S-T-E-M. Touching yourself with Dr. K. No. It's going to be the very opposite of touching yourself. Gaiht-T-R-A-M is not a body scan. No, no, no, too easy. Too easy, chat.

K-A-Y-A-S-H-T-I-R-A-M. Okay? Gay-S-T-R-R-A-M means stillness of the body. So if you want to get the most signals from your body, all you have to do is sit perfectly still. So, if you want to feel no longer dead inside, really simple technique, make you feel alive in 30 seconds, maybe a minute, maybe two, maybe three minutes. Ah, no, no, no, cartoon Jesse, no, so someone saying, I do that all day long, no, you do not, you do not do Kaish Therum. I'm almost 100%.

This does not mean sit in a chair. What I'm doing right now is not Kaiash Therum. because I'm moving. So we are going to close our eyes. We are going to sit perfectly still. And we are going to prepare ourselves for the torrent of internal signals that we're going to get and we're not going to respond to a single damn one. You have an itch on your nose.

You're not going to move. Some part of your body is falling asleep. Not going to move. You haven't, this feels weird. You want to move it. It's uncomfortable. Not going to move. Okay?

You can breathe. breathe. So you keep your muscle twitch. If it twitches automatically, that's fine. But we're not going to let it move. We're going to notice the twitch and we're going to ignore the twitch. That sounds horrific. You're damn right. That's why you all are dead inside and you want to be not dead inside within like three minutes in 180 seconds. You want Dr. K to teach you the secret? Yeah, it's going to be like, it's not going to be fun. But you can do it. Okay. So this is what we're going to do. We're going to sit up straight. So try to keep your back straight. okay you can adopt a meditative posture if you want to and then we're going to close our eyes

you can breathe if you want to but you don't want to lose yourself in the breath okay so doing breathing meditation here is cheating we want to do is maintain stillness of the body notice stillness of the body okay and we're going to try to do it for like three minutes okay so sit up straight close your eyes we're going to count back from 10 to 1 and then then we're going to be perfectly still, okay? 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And now we're still for three minutes. Notice all the signals that your body is sending you already.

Maintain your stillness. Notice the slight postural disturbances. stillness. Notice the signals that your body sends you. Maybe you're noticing hunger, an itch, a discomfort. And now you may discover what a beautiful refuge breath is. As you breathe, you may notice a distraction and stepping away from all of your internal signals. Notice how each breath is a blessed relief from stillness. No smiling. Now slow down the breath. You don't get to hang out in that refuge for too long. Return to the stillness of the body. Breathe slowly. Focus on every physical sensation. Try to pause between your breaths and focus on the signals. Now we're going to try to

keep going for two more minutes. Notice what your mind does. Does it rebel? I was just supposed to do this for three minutes. Ignore it. Focus on your body. Maintain your stillness. Good. Find refuge in the breath if you need to. If you're really, really struggling to move, deep breath in and out.

Slow. Maintain your stillness. Focus your mind. Control your body. Now notice all the signals you're getting. in the span of these two or three minutes, the struggles you've endured, the signals from your body,

and also how alive you feel when you breathe. Deep breath in. And notice that vitality within you. And now we're going to count back from 10 to one. And after we hit one, we'll be able to move and relax our body. And what I really want you to pay attention, to is notice that as we count down, notice what happens in your body. The yearning to move

will increase intensely for some people, right as we get back to one. So now I'll count back. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five. Maintained stillness. Oh my God, Dr. K is counting slowly. I thought he was going to count fast. Look at your mind rebelling. No smiling. No smiling. Stillness. Five. How long is it going to take him to get back to one? Oh my God. We can do this for a while. Ignore all of those thoughts. Maintain your stillness. Focus your mind. No moving. Refuge in the breath if you need to. Four, three, two. Oh my God, that last second, when is he going to hit it? Let's go.

Notice your impatience. Set it aside. Focus on your body. Find refuge in your breath. The number will come when it comes. You will be still until it does. One. And relax.

How was that? Okay. Good. That is the right answer. Okay? I had to laugh. Why do I feel nauseous? I hated it but also liked it.

Then you're doing it right. It took so much effort. Is swallowing okay? I felt wobbly. That's crazy. Listen, let me explain something to you all. We just sat still for like five minutes. That's all it was.

That's just just sat still for five. Like literally, what we did is sit still for five minutes. Right? Like, that's all we did. Like, that's not a thing. And notice how rich your internal environment is. Holy crap. If sitting still for five minutes offers so much in life, both good and bad,

think about how empty the rest of our life is. Like how we're living empty lives, because we're not living them mindfully. Every experience of your life can be as intense as that. Every bite of food you can eat. as intense as that. Every time you step into the sun and feel the sun on your face,

as intense as that. Living life with intensity, finding, like, losing track of, like, this person that you are inside. You feel dead inside. Yeah, it's because we don't live life like that. We live life like in a fucking haze.

Sitting still for five minutes can be such a wealth of experience. Intense, man. Like the relief you feel at the end the struggles with your mind. It's like, you know, what I was envisioning that y'all are doing what it felt like to me? I could feel it. It felt to me like you're the captain of a ship in stormy seas.

And the seas are trying to, like, break your ship apart. But you're holding steady in your course. And then even though you're getting rocked and bumped and there's gale force winds and all this kind of stuff, you're going to keep the ship going in the direction you tell it to go. And somehow, like suddenly now breathing feels amazing. amazing. Like, who knew that breathing could feel so good? Moving, which we do all the time, just fidget, can feel amazing. And it's all about up here, right? This is the biggest problem that we've lost track of is we've started to believe that living a life of fulfillment is like,

comes from the outside. And when all these fucking Instagram gurus, right, of which we may be guilty, who knows, I don't even really understand, we'll say like, oh my God, you have to like, live life, like happiness comes from within? Like, what do you think people mean when they say that? 90% of them don't know what they're talking about. But the 10% who are actually saying this is what it means when fulfillment and, like, life comes from, like, within. Like, this is what they mean.

It's because they figured out that our internal experience of things is where, like, intensity and passion and enjoyment comes from. Even negativity can be intense. Like, can you imagine if you were just relaxed that whole time, like, how empty that experience would have been? Like if you were just chilling and comfortable, like laying in the sun and like really, like, sure it'd be like enjoyable. But like just think about like what you accomplished. You sat still for five minutes.

It's so intense. Right. So like that's the thing. So, you know, if you all are feeling dead on the inside, you got to get in touch with yourself. But what? But everyone's like, oh, like getting to touch with you in a child. Like, oh my God. You know, like don't.

What does that mean? This is how you do it. Like literally. is what you have to do. When you eat food, when you exercise, it doesn't have to be exercise. Just do something that gets your body to send you signals and be with those signals. Right? I feel like this would have been even more intense if we did it in total silence. You're absolutely correct.

And you're not ready for that, which is why I was there with you. Right? So next time, you're going to be on your own without Dr. Kay. So you're the captain of the ship in Stormy Waters. Dr. K is the little tugboat. That's along for the ride and is going to be giving you all a high hand. But when you're ready to go sail into those waters on your own,

could be today, could be now, could be tomorrow, then by all means do it. And you're damn right, it's going to be way harder, right? Five minutes with yourself. Okay. So how do you get in touch with yourself if you feel dead on the inside? This is how.

The process of getting in touch with yourself, yourself can literally be trained. Right? So let's kind of recap and wrap up. Number one. Oftentimes our early years are filled with joy and light and excitement. And then sometimes our 20s hit. And then like things happen, right?

And this vision of the world that we had starts to like fall apart. And it's not what I thought it was. It's not as fun as I used to be. Like your excitement for life goes. Like, as life, you know, drags you through crap, it extinguishes the desire to live from you, the excitement for life. Then what happens is we sort of get stuck in this situation where we're chasing dopamine. We're chasing enjoyment of the mind and losing sight of ourselves in the process. Because you can, like, watch YouTube for eight hours a day.

Like, you can do that, but it's not going to, you're not going to look like, there's going to be like, it's, you know, it'll entertain your mind, but the rest of you will become, like, empty. And then what happens is we start to struggle because we don't have motivation. We have like no desire. Like we're like in here there's nothing coming out of this. There's no like I don't feel like doing anything. So then what does the mind do? It does one of two things. Well, I used to want to do this.

So let me do that again. Let me go back to the way that I used to be. Then we end ourselves end up getting stuck because we're moving backwards. But you can't really move backwards. So you're just staying still. Then you feel stuck because you're not moving forward and you're chasing after what's gone. and then you're just kind of there. It's also easy to get lost in the dopamine of it, right?

Like, mind doesn't like getting in here because sometimes in here there's nasty stuff. So how do we get back in touch with this? First, use your body. It's the easiest way. Okay? Other ways, too, more mental in nature, but use your body.

It's easy. Very easy. Right? So, like, engage your body. Do something that your body is sending you signals. Good or bad. So if you're, you know, if you're take a cold shower, that's unpleasant, but your body is sending you a signal. Take a warm shower, but if you take a warm shower, this is important.

Enjoy the warmth, right? Really feel that warmth. The problem with relaxing stimulation for the body is that it gives our mind the tendency to wander. Okay? You can eat food that both you like and dislike, and notice the different signals that your body sends you. Last thing is notice what? what directs your thoughts and your actions. And then Kaesh-Tiram.

Sit perfectly still. Five minutes, six minutes, seven minutes, whatever you can handle. And notice the torrent of things that comes up for you. So we should focus in our body at all times. During the practices, yes. Pay attention. And then what you'll naturally do

is you'll start to get in touch with your internal self. And the cool thing is once you learn how to look within you, it starts with the body, because the body's going to be sending you lots of signals. Then what you can do is continue to look within you. Now that you know how to look within you, it's easy because the body's sending you signals so you know exactly where to look.

But once I know, okay, this is where I'm going to look, even in the absence of signals, I can still look there. And that's when I'll start to discover, like, internal stuff. Okay, so someone's asking, when is Gaiish theorem too much? Not yet is the answer. So I think you can do this practice for 20 minutes at a stretch. Like once you've trained your body properly, you can easily do it for 20 minutes.

Some yogis will do it for days. right? So I don't recommend that. But I'd say like 20 minutes of stillness is good. Okay. Yeah, so I have depersonalization disorder, but this was the first time for a while I talked to my body. Hopefully that's a good thing. Right. So remember that if you're depersonalizing, there may be a reason for that, right? So sometimes some of these depersonalization disorders and stuff are responses to, like, protect you. So don't rush it, especially if you've been diagnosed with something. Definitely talk to your treater about stuff like that. Got it?

Five minutes and then build up to 20? Absolutely. It's a good way to do it. Ah, days after that, I'd feel like walking, I'm walking on air. Now you all understand why enlightenment leads to happiness. Because once you do these

spiritual practices, every moment of your life is walking on air. Excellent. Someone saying, hey, sorry, just tuned in. What do you let your mind do while staying still? Oh, your mind isn't going to be, your mind will have plenty of to do.

All you have to do is try not to move. And your mind will be occupied. Don't worry about it. Go back and watch the bond and do the practice. Okay? It's okay. So it's a great question. I'm not, I'm laughing because I think we, chat just experienced something.

I'm not, I'm not trying to keep you out. Seriously, you should go watch this. I don't, it's just, so I want y'all to notice that. question and notice the questions of the intellect and how absurd the questions of the intellect can sound to someone with experience. Do you all get that? It's like the question is completely appropriate, right? So this is someone who's smart is figured out, okay, like if I'm focusing on my body, what do I let my mind do? Is it meditation about focusing the mind? It's an excellent question, right? And also like completely irrelevant. So once you do the practice, you'll see that your mind,

I mean, maybe you do have to occupy your mind. I'm not sure. So if you're able to do Kaish theorem without any difficulty, then you probably want to move on to a more mental meditation, which is like mantra or something like that. That's what I would recommend. All right. Okay.

Next one. Yeah. So I noticed that when we were counting down the last 10 seconds slowly, I was getting more and more anxious closer to being done. Yeah. That's why I was counting slowly to make it harder for you. Because y'all were such chads. Y'all were doing so good that we had to make the.

difficult. Right? You couldn't stop laughing. Good. So next time I won't be there. This is easy mode. Little tugboat. Dr. Kays, you're a little tugboat. Next time, y'all are on your own. Okay? So here's the other thing. Next level play. So if you were meditating for five minutes and you couldn't help but laugh during that time, you're meditating right. Right? That's what's actually beautiful about meditation. It's like what? You were laughing for five minutes without any kind of joke or funny video or TikTok or anything like that, you were just sitting with yourself and couldn't suppress laughter, you're doing it right. Right?

So someone's saying, what if you're crying? You're doing it right. Right. Whatever is within is coming out. You're in touch with yourself. This is an antidote to being dead on the inside. You'll get this? It's very important to understand.

Ah, so... Okay. Okay, so I'm noticing a lot of questions. Do you guys... Okay, let's say there's good questions here, so we're going to talk about it. Okay, so number one. Okay, Dr. Kay, what if it becomes a mindless habit like other meditation after a while? Then you're doing the meditation wrong.

So this is... It's a very common problem, but it's also incorrect, that once our body develops a habit, it puts it on autopilot and then our mind likes to wander, right? So the whole purpose of meditation is to not let your mind wander and have it focus on one thing. And you can get good at that. So you can breathe for 10 minutes without it becoming a habit as long as you learn how to control your attention. Okay, but it is a danger. So for a lot of people who find that their body acclimatizes, this is why we teach different meditation techniques. So for some people, one meditation technique is good enough. But for a lot of people that I work with, especially like people, with like ADHD and stuff, what they'll find, what they'll do is entrain their habit circuitry, and so I'll mix up their meditation quite a bit. There's a reason why I don't do the same meditation on stream every single week, right? Because what's going to happen is all you all are going to check out, and it's going to become automatic. So that's why we teach new and new meditations. And over time, what you'll do, the level of focus your training is going to be like

every meditation you do is leveling up your focus without letting you engender some kind of habit and distraction. So if you do this enough times without getting distracted, then your mind will learn how to focus without it developing a habit. So that's why you should just mix up your meditation. Okay? Next question is, I forgot, there was another good one. What if the only thing coming is rage and anger, then let it come and stay still.

Do not lose yourself in the rage and anger, right? Because remember, the Kaesh theater and practice is about staying still. in maintaining that. Don't get lost in that. Let those rage and anger will come and they'll go. Just like an itch comes and goes. Just like, you know, the hunger comes and goes. Just like, you know, the tickling sensation comes and goes. Everything will come and go. You stay still. Okay. Someone's asking, what if I want to smash everything in my room out of anger? Don't. Stay still. You can want to do stuff. Don't do it. The practice is to stay still. Easy.

Okay? How do you control their thoughts? Is there a way? There's absolutely a way, but it's more than I can answer right now. Okay. There's another question, but I'm missing it now. Okay. A lot of good questions.

So you let it come, but don't give in? That's perfect. What if I fall asleep? You can sleep if you want to. You better not move a damn muscle. I don't care if you sleep. No moving. All you are asking all these like questions.

but like it doesn't, it's simple. The instructions are simple. What if I fall asleep? Don't, don't move. You're like, but if I sleep, I can't control whether I move. Good. Then don't fall asleep. Sit for five minutes. Seven minutes, eight minutes, nine minutes, ten minutes. You have one job. Just sit fucking still for five minutes. What if I become aroused? Then you're aroused. Right? What if this? What if this? What if this? What if this? What if this? this. Do you see how your mind loves to rebel? There's the intellect again. Oh, but Dr. K, what about this? Oh, if I fall asleep, but then I'm going to fall asleep, oh, I guess I better not do it. The fuck? You're not going to fall asleep. You'll be fine. You can't see that?

So much resistance. Like, I get the intellectual curiosity. I really do. And if anyone feels, you know, like I'm being, I'm not, I'm beating up on particular people for asking questions. It's, it's like, I do it with love. Hopefully, y'all, you're getting that. Seriously, like, your mind is going to come with all these kinds of questions. Most of the questions are good. And also, like, they're sort of irrelevant. Like, this is the whole thing you all have to understand is that the purpose of the Kaish theorem practice is to help you understand how intense the experience of life can be. The mental crap is just floating around up here, right? Like, just sit. And then All of your answers will be right there.

Okay? You sometimes have an erection during meditation. Is that normal? It's very normal. Okay, random question, which I will answer randomly. Dr. K, why is marijuana so bad on reinforcing patterns of behavior? Because the habit circuitry in your brain uses endocannabinoid signals and receptors. That's why.

So the parts of our brain that form habits use the endocannabinoid system. So like the neurotransmitters that have to do with habit formation or cannabinoids. So what happens when you use pot is that like you're tossing in a bunch of artificial cannabinoids, which in turn are going to hit receptors in your like habit formation circuitry because that's what's going to happen. And then when they hit those receptors, it's going to, you're going to start reinforcing weird behaviors. It's really interesting.