HealthyGamerGG - Your Destiny...

Episode Date: July 30, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about feeling mediocre in life, dealing with hopelessness and fear, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If I can't even be the 1% in what I'm good at and what I'm passionate about, how on earth am I ever going to be the 1% at this engineering firm? I feel like I'm destined for mediocrity. This post is probably going to come off a little bit desperate slash pathetic, but I needed a space to type it out and be heard. As the title says, I feel like I'm destined to live a mediocre life. I'm a more creative mind person, and I get bored very easily doing monotonous tasks that don't allow me to express myself in any way.

issue is in the real world only the best get to make their dreams slash passions a lucrative reality. And I've tried for so long to become the best, but I'm starting to think that my best will just never be good enough. Everyone around me always seems to think that I'm destined for some great thing, as if they're seeing something about me that I'm not. But they're not nearly as knowledgeable about my craft as I am, so they can't see that I'm not cut out for it. I'm better than the average person, but being better than average doesn't mean you'll get noticed or be able to make a job out of your passions. I feel like I need to learn to be content with a life of misery in the rat race, as many others have. It feels like the only option I have. What do you all think?

I know this probably didn't make much sense, but any words would be appreciated. So this is something that a lot of people struggle with. and what happens is you grow up or you're growing up and you recognize that you're different from the average path of success. So you look around and you look at the people who have like stable jobs and are happy and are quote unquote successful, whatever. And what you tend to find is like these people are like they're pretty like monotonous, right? So it's like, oh, this person was successful because like every day after school they went

home and they studied and they did their extracurriculars on Thursday nights and on Saturday mornings they did volunteering and then they joined the swimming team and then they got into a good college and they studied every day after school and they did college swimming and then they got into a good grad school or they got hired as an engineer here they picked some like boring monotonous major that has a good starting salary and job security and then they became successful and so you to look at this and you're like, well, like, if I was living that person's life, I would go insane. Like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go into the office every single day and, like, do the same crap, you know, whatever that job is or this job or whatever. Like, I just get way too bored with that.

I'm a creative person. And then, like, the problem is that, like, you look at this sort of successful path in life and you kind of say, okay, this doesn't really work for me. And then you recognize that It does work for some people, right? So, like, some people will have, like, you visit it in an art gallery, and there's, like, a painting there that someone is selling for, like, $200,000. And you're like, wow. Like, so apparently it's possible. But how many people make art and how many people sell a painting for $200 grand?

How many people have their art featured in a gallery? So you kind of realize that there's, like, there are two paths, right? You can be the monotonous path where you can still. get, you can become relatively successful because, like, they want to pee on, or you can go to the creative path where, like, 99% of people are starving artists, right? And even if you think about it societally, we don't talk about the starving software engineer. I mean, maybe we, they, I'm sure they exist, but the idea is the starving artist, right? And then you recognize that even if you want to, you can be successful, but like the chances of success,

in your, given your talents and strengths is really low. And so then what happens is you sort of end up kind of like resigning yourself to a life of misery. You're like, I guess the only way for me to like be content in life is to accept misery. That's my strategy, right? Because like you're not in the top 1%. I mean, even this person is saying, I'm better than average. but I ain't in the top 1%. And so the only conclusion that you kind of come to is like, well, it seems like I'm destined

for mediocrity. So what I'm going to do is learn to be content with a life of misery, be a part of the rat race. And since it's not my passion, I'm going to be destined for mediocrity. Because how can I ever be the 1%? If I can't even be the 1% in what I'm good at and what I'm passionate about, how on earth am I ever going to be the 1% at this engineering firm? So how do you navigate this?

It's super hard. So let's understand a couple of things first. So if we look at this post, what we see is that this person starts with ideas. Okay? So let's just take a quick look at what some of these ideas are. Okay? So I get bored easily with monotonous tasks. Issue is in the real world only the best get to make their dream slash passions are a lucrative reality.

Right? So this is kind of like a key idea. So there's like the monotonous people, they can be successful. I'm not monotonous. And only the best make passion a reality. So we start with these ideas. And then what happens is we become miserable. Right?

Because if all these things are true and we believe them to be true, we're not idiots. We believe these things for a reason. we go to art galleries and we see, you know, one out of a thousand artists actually selling paintings. As we become miserable, we then conclude that my only choice, I feel like I need to learn to be content with a life of misery. It feels like the only option I have is to become content. So where is this person's focus? What are they going to learn? Where are they going to invest their energy?

They're going to invest their energy over here. So they're going to learn how to meditate. They're going to learn how to journal. You know, they're going to try to learn detachment. They're going to do all this really important internal work to be content with a life of misery. Forget the oxymoron there in a second because if you're content, then you're not miserable, but whatever. So this is doomed to failure. But this is where they focus on.

And what do you think this actually does to this part? Nothing. So the first thing to understand is that when you adopt this mentality, not only is it true, you're making it true. It becomes a self-fulfowing prophecy, because you invest your energy here instead of changing this. Because this person doesn't have an option to build a life that is less miserable. Like literally, they say it feels like the only option I have is to be content with misery. We'll get into why that is in a second.

But then there are a couple of other interesting things to understand. So when I'm miserable about my life, enter this. This is an interesting thing. Everyone around me seems to think I'm destined for great things. But they're clueless, right? It's like when your mom is like, oh, beta, you are so handsome. Any woman would be lucky to marry you. You're so good child.

You're the bestest. you are the smartest. You are so handsome. Oh. And so everyone around you offers you reassurance. Right? They say all these kinds of things. Oh, it's okay.

You're so talented. You're a genius. Oh, beta, you're a genius. And how does that make us feel? When you're like 25 years old and you're alone and you haven't been on a date in two years, and your mom is sitting there telling you that you're the most handsome, most wonderful man on the world in the world. Or you're a woman and your dad is telling you that,

or you're a woman and your mom is telling you that, whatever. Right. It makes you feel worse. It actually increases your misery. As it increases your misery, you double down on this. And so you kind of like doom yourself to trying to become content with misery

as opposed to fixing the misery. and when you stop trying to actually improve your life, that's when it really becomes true. And then as you, and then a year goes by, right? So a year goes by and then like, you're more miserable. Misery leveled up. And then you're like, man, I got to learn me some copium coping skills. Be content. Meditate harder.

I'm not meditating good enough. and the cycle repeats that repeats itself. Okay? So let's understand a couple of interesting things here. So why does this happen? Why do we resign ourselves to being content? Like it's kind of weird, right? Because what we actually need to do is be, like if we want to solve this problem,

we don't want to like resign ourselves to being content. We actually want to feel kind of bad and use that badness to improve our situation. in a weird way. So here's the thing. What do you all think is the primary emotion that is controlling this person's life? Pay attention to the question. What do you all think is the primary emotion? So people are saying self-pity, resentment, fear, shame. So now I'm going to ask you all a different question. Doubt, shame, discouragement, jealousy, fear. Fear. Okay, so I'm going to ask you two questions. What do you think is the primary emotion this person is feeling?

And what do you think is the primary emotion that is controlling their life? And that may sound weird because aren't those two things the same? Absolutely not. Right? So a lot of people are saying hopelessness, despair, things like that. So let's understand this. We're feeling hopelessness. But what's actually controlling their life is fear.

This is what I experience. But at the root of this is fear. Now, let's understand this very simply. So when I'm afraid of something, what, which of these three steps is an antidote to fear? Right. So if I were to say ideas, misery, contentment. Right? It's kind of interesting.

So this is where I want you all to understand this. When I'm afraid of something, okay, we're going to figure this out. Let's say you're afraid of something happening. What is something that you can do mentally to make yourself feel better about that fear? What do you tell yourself? So if I'm afraid that you can avoid it, right? So if I'm afraid that like I'm going to fail this test, what do I tell myself when I'm sitting down to take the test? Yeah, so some people are going to say, like, I couldn't have done it anyways. Perfect, Zanderon. Right? Oh, this is already going to fail. There's no way I can pass. Might as well just try because there's no way I can pass. So it's interesting because if you assume the worst case scenario and if you really pay attention to your fears,

what you'll find is assuming the worst case scenario is actually protective against the fear. Because the whole point of fear is that it's uncertain. It could happen and it may not happen. But if I accept the worst case scenario and I learn to survive that, then the worst of the damage is done. And the uncertainty is actually removed from the equation. Do you all get that? So contentment and resignation is actually a coping mechanism to fear. Do you all get that?

Because if I resign myself to it, if I just assume if I tell myself, there's no way that this person will love me. They're definitely going to break up with me. They're definitely going to break up with me. You're definitely going to agree. I can tell. You want to be out of this relationship. I can tell. Now, let's look at that.

You're afraid that the person is going to break up with you. And how does your mind actually adapt to that? It moves into resignation. It assumes it has true. There's no way I'm going to get this job. It's impossible. I'm so underqualified. I'm afraid I won't get this job.

And so what is your mind you to protect you from that disappointment? It makes you resigned. And then the interesting thing is if you're afraid that someone's going to break up with you and you go talk to your friends about it. And they're like, no, no, no, you're like the best person in the world. Like, no one would ever break up with you. You're so beautiful. You're so amazing.

Anyone would be lucky to be with you. How does that make you feel? Does that reassure you? Absolutely not. Makes you more miserable. So now we begin to see how this sequence is actually rooted in fear. That the reassurance doesn't reassure.

Reassurance makes you feel more miserable, makes you feel more resigned. Because the mind sort of has this thing where like, I can protect myself against the fear by being resigned. And this is not just humans that do this. Right? So, like, you'll see this, like, in animals who give up as well.

So, like, giving up is, like, a biologically conserved thing across species. There's no point in wasting my energy when the conclusion is fixed. Right? It's not just humans. Like, animals will give up, too. So if you want to break out, and I know it sounds kind of weird, but it's like, I feel like I'm destined for mediocrity. What you've got to fix is the fear.

The fear is at the root of all of this. You're afraid. Because here's like, let me put it to you this way. And y'all tell me if you think this fits. Only the best get to make their dreams or passions a lucrative reality. I guess I have to resign myself to a life of mediocrity and like doing some kind of monotonous task and suffer like everyone else. I'm going to rephrase this for y'all. And you tell me if you think this fits.

You're not destined for mediocre. I think that this person is afraid that if they give it their all, if they actually pursue their passions, and if they don't take the safe route, if they don't take the monotonous route, five years of sweat and blood and tears, and they still won't be successful. Ten years and they still won't be successful. They're terrified of taking the road less traveled and at ending them up like in the desert where like their SOL. How does the mind protect you from that? It says, no, no, no, my friend, you are destined for mediocrity. Don't walk that road. It's an unsafe road.

Learn to be content with a life of misery and join the rat race where things are safe. This is fear. It's all fear. So a couple of other things that we'll sort of end with. One is that let's talk about destiny for a second. So destiny implies linearity. Right? The whole point is that no matter what I do, I'm going to end up here.

So like, there's like a linearity to destiny. Does that sort of make sense? There's not, but this isn't what life is like. Right? This is really what life is like. So I've got a choice. Do I want to major in engineering or design? Okay, I chose design.

Do I want to work at a big firm or do I want to focus? on my art for a year. Am I going to do an internship over here or a fellowship over here? Am I going to learn how to use this? Am I going to learn how to use Photoshop? Or am I going to learn, am I going to spend some time painting? This is really what life is like. There's no destiny in life. I mean, there sort of is, but it's not like this. Because you have a lot of agency in life. and you can still end up here from here. And so in a sense, like, you can still, you know, make a straight chain, kind of like you did here. The key thing is, though, there's a lot of branches.

There's a lot of choice. There's a lot of agency. And this is where, like, this person makes a couple of these assumptions, like, issue is in the real world only the best get to make their dreams or passions a lucrative reality. Like, I don't know what this person is basing the statement on. I don't know where this idea comes from. And if you're a creative-minded person, like, just to give you all a simple example, I was working with someone a couple of years ago who was very creatively minded. And they also like to travel. And so they're like, I'm not really sure, like, what job is for me.

Like, I really like art. Like, I appreciate art. But I don't, my favorite thing to do is, like, go to different places and see, like, local art. But I don't want to, like, make these, like, African portraits and stuff from Cuba and things like that. I just really like looking at it. And I'm very creative. I'm really good at, like, decorating and things like that. And so, like, how can you turn that into a job?

So they did something really interesting. They moved to a city in the United States where a lot of people were moving to from another part of the country. And generally speaking, these people are wealthy. And so what they sort of discovered is that wealthy people don't like to have mass-produced art in their home. But also, like, wealthy people can't necessarily afford, like, a Rembrandt. So they started like an interior design service where they like would help people decorate their new homes. And their big thing is I'm going to source this with unique art from all over the world.

That's fair trade. So you will get a unique piece of artwork that no one else in the world has. And it'll come from some, you know, every piece of artwork has a backstory. So they traveled for a while. They took a bunch of pictures. They even bought a few pieces. and they came back. And like, I kid you not in this city.

I know someone else who moved to the city recently. All of the interior decorators had at least a three to six month wait list to even get an appointment. And this person is like very happy now. It's wild. Like, I don't know how sustainable that is. I don't know that y'all can go and do this. My point is that like, if you pay attention to the world and you bring real value to it, chances are you offer what you have to give, there will be people who will,

want it. Right? So this is where someone in hybrid area says that can't happen for everyone. You are correct. And also, which part of your mind is generating that thought? So as I say that, as I say, hey, by the way, this is actually a possibility. If you say that can't happen for everyone, I'll completely agree with you. That's not the solution for everyone. But the resign part of your mind is going to say things like that, right? Because it's going to say, don't bother going down this route, just be content with misery. And this is where I'd say it's not the best that make their dreams or passion reality. It's the people who really try and are open-minded and are flexible with how they make,

how they actualize what they're interested in. Because there is a big gap between I'm a creative person and I need to be an artist. maybe you could be an interior decorator maybe you could do graphic design maybe you could make NFTs on GameStop's new NFT market who knows right my point is that it's it's not about like

and when you start out like all you see if you want to end up over here your first two choices are this you may never be able to end up here but I don't necessarily know that even if you make it over here that you'll necessarily be happy with this. Because this we've seen in our community a lot

where people are like, I did everything I was supposed to do and I'm not happy. I got an engineering degree and I find it spiritually unfulfilling. I was good at math. So I decided to do engineering. The whole point is like if you want to be content in life,

like you've got to learn some amount of internal contentment, sure. But then recognize that like destiny in life is not that fixed. you have a lot of choices and recognize that what life is life is like chess it's not like a linear game and so what you should do is every step of the way make this move the piece that feels the best to you at the time because what happens is everyone who makes all the right moves in life usually ends up in the wrong place and so if you want to end up in the right place what you've really got to do is be very careful about making in a sense quote unquote the wrong moves

right like oh i like math so i'm going to major and or i'm good at math so i'm going to major in something that i'm good at as opposed to something that i care about so it's challenging we oftentimes feel like we're destined for mediocrity and it's not like it's not like you're there's a lot about that thought process that feels right the problem though is that even though is that even though the primary emotion that we feel is despair, and so we try to tackle despair and we're going to learn how to be content with ourselves, how do I learn how to be content with misery? And when I start focusing on being content instead of not being miserable, like when I stop actually, like when I resign myself to my circumstances, that's what

actually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So this really starts with understanding, like, what is it that you're afraid of? And once we let that fear, Once we tackle that fear in some way, process that fear, even vocalize that fear. I'm not saying it's going to go away and you'll be fear free. Because the antidote to that fear is ironically resignation. Because if you assume the worst and you can manage to survive that, you can even tell, right? So I need to learn how to survive the worst and then I'll be okay. So let me choose the worst thing.

Let me actually move towards the worst thing. And all I have to do is survive a worst case scenario and then everything above that becomes easier. It's so challenging because the way that our mind helps us cope with fear is actually through resignation. But the moment that you become resigned, that destiny actually becomes true.