HealthyGamerGG - Your Standards Are Way Higher Than They Should Be

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

In this episode, Dr. K explains why lowering your expectations is the key to mental peace, while emphasizing that you should never settle by lowering your standards. He breaks down the neuroscience of "prediction errors" and reveals why the gap between what you expect and what you actually receive is the primary source of emotional suffering. What to expect in this episode: Expectations vs. Standards: A technical breakdown of how an expectation is a prediction of the future, while a standard is the minimum level of quality you are willing to accept. The Survival Brain: Why our brains evolved to make constant predictions, using the metaphor of an impala at a watering hole to illustrate how expectations serve as a crucial survival mechanism. The Punishment of Prediction Errors: An analysis of how the brain "punishes" you with emotional pain when your predictions are wrong to force you to align your mind with reality. Compensatory Standards: Why people who experience failure often set unattainable standards to make up for past mistakes, which often leads to a cycle of self-sabotage. The Roadmap to Excellence: Practical advice on achieving high goals by starting with a minimum standard and iteratively working your way up, similar to ranking up in a video game. Relationships and the Will to Change: Why successful relationships depend on a partner's willingness to change rather than just finding a perfect "spark". Wanting vs. Liking: A deep dive into the brain's independent circuits for dopamine (wanting) and serotonin (liking), explaining why we often do not actually enjoy the things we crave. Improving Life Outcomes: How making accurate, data-driven predictions can prevent frustration in your career and help you navigate the "friend zone" or dating apps more effectively. Dr. K's NEW Guide to Love, Sex, & Relationships is here! Order now: https://bit.ly/4dO3x0VHG Coaching : https://bit.ly/46bIkdo Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health: https://bit.ly/44z3SztHG Memberships : https://bit.ly/3TNoMVf Products & Services : https://bit.ly/44kz7x0 HealthyGamer.GG: https://bit.ly/3ZOopgQ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, chat, welcome to the Healthy Gamer Gigi podcast. I'm Dr. Alokinoja, but you can call me Dr. K. I'm a psychiatrist gamer and co-founder of Healthy Gamer. On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in. All right, chat, today we're going to talk about why you should lower your expectations, but never settle. So a lot of times the advice that we get when we're looking for a job, when we're looking for romantic partners,

Lower your expectations. Lower your expectations. And this comes from the internet. This comes from your friends. This comes from your parents. This comes from even mental health professionals like psychiatrists. But when we hear this, we don't want to do that, right? Because if we lower our expectations, we're going to be left with the drags at the bottom

of the barrel. We're going to just accept like the worst crap out there. And I want more than that. So I believe you should absolutely lower your expectations. But don't lower your standards. What's the difference? So we have to be a bit technical here. An expectation is literally a prediction of the future.

Like if I leave for the airport during rush hour, how long should I expect it to take to reach the airport, right? So an expectation is literally your brain's capacity to make a prediction about the future. A standard is a completely different thing. This is sort of the minimum or midpoint of what you will accept. A standard is what is good enough, right? So if I am hiring, let's say, a maid to clean my house. once a month, what is the standard that I am willing to accept. Okay? So one is about what I'm willing

to accept and one is about what I predict. And the issue with expectations is, first of all, I think it is a good idea to lower them. And then people are also wondering how, so we're going to talk about that. So let's be precise about what an expectation is and where it comes from. So if you look at sort of Eastern contemplative practices, they will say that peace begins where expectations end. And in many videos and streams and stuff like that, I've talked about having zero expectations. But let's be clear about where an expectation comes from and why it's so important. Right. So if we should have zero expectations, which is not what I'm saying, I'm saying lower them, then why the hell does our brain expect so many things? Okay. So this is where we got to understand why we've evolved

intelligence. So basically, our brain exists. This is simplified. Our brain exists to make future predictions, right? That's how like how organisms survive. Let's say I'm an impala in the serengeti and I'm drinking from a watering hole. And I'm drinking from the watering hole and I make prediction. Drinking from this watering hole is safe. And then a crocodile jumps out at me. Now, if I was wrong in that prediction, I could die. And let's say that I happened, my reflexes kick in, I jump back, crocodile doesn't survive. And then next time, I mean, sorry, crocodile survives, but I survive. Everybody survives in this scenario. Next time, what is the prediction? What should I expect the next time I go to the watering hole, right? I should expect that there will be a crocodile there.

This is why we have developed the capacity to make predictions. This is why it is so easy for the mind to have expectations, because expectations are a crucial survival mechanism. So in the scenario of this Impala, the key thing here is that the Impala made a prediction, right? It had an expectation. And it turned out that that expectation was incorrect. So this is vitally important because if the Impala does not learn from this mistake,

If it continues to make the same prediction, it'll die, right? That's what ends up happening. So when we make a prediction and that prediction ends up being incorrect, we need to adjust that prediction. And this is where lowering your expectations comes in. So as a psychiatrist, I work with people who have all kinds of expectations. And these are like brutal expectations. My dad or mom will show up at my graduation.

They will show up. They love me, right? They will make sacrifices for me. They will listen to me. My parents don't have borderline personality disorder anymore. Like, one day they will provide me with the love and support that I want. When I loan money to a friend, I expect that this friend of mine will give me that money back, right? They'll pay back the loan.

But I've loaned them money three times, and I'm not able to, and they've never paid me back. So literally, and there's a lot of evidence that shows that mental illness is correlated with maintaining expectations. like literally. And a lot of the psychological interventions that we do, like things like psychotherapy, is to help patients lower their expectations. Let's make accurate predictions of the future, okay? And why is it important to make accurate predictions of the future? So now we're going to get tunnel down into a little bit more neuroscience. Okay. So I want you all to go back to the Impala. So let's say I'm the Impala and I make a prediction that this is safe. And then it ends up not being safe, okay? How does the brain enforce moving the safety calibration down to here, right? So how does the

brain ensure that I will change my prediction? It makes this gap hurt, right? So when we have an expectation, I believe that my dad will show up at my graduation. And when they don't show up, how do I feel? It hurts me, right? It hurts so much. And why does the brain punish me for an inappropriate expectation. It is to try to get me to change my expectation. Let's start living in accordance with reality. I keep seeing comments. Dr. Kay, how do I apply this to a situation in my life? That's literally why we created a coaching program. Our coaches are certified on an evidence-based curriculum designed to help you get unstuck. This involves analyzing your patterns, increasing your understanding and working with you week to week to help you develop a plan to create lasting

change. So if y'all are interested, check out the link in the description below. So literally, scientifically, neurologically, a lot of our suffering in life comes from this prediction error. The gap between what we expect and what we get, that is like the size of the pain that we experience. So if we lower our expectations, a couple of really important things will happen. We will no long be as hurt, and our outcomes will actually improve, because the predictions we are making will be more accurate with the world around us. Like, I won't be late for my flight if I accurately predict that I will encounter rush hour traffic. Okay, so we should lower our expectations. And there is one really simple way to do this, which is make a prediction. Like literally, literally,

sit down and ask yourself, what should I predict about this situation? I. I'm I've asked my boss for time off three times, and they always like ham and haun, it takes them a month, and I have to chase them down. What should I predict about the situation? Okay? Literally, don't worry about what you want. Don't worry about, you know, what you need. Don't worry about what will leave you unsatisfied.

Literally just make a prediction about the future. Now, let's talk about standards. So this is where we want to separate out what we predict will happen with what is acceptable, right? So if you have a boss who may not get back to you about your vacation request, that is still unacceptable, right? So that's a standard that you should not violate. But don't add the additional pain of making an inappropriate expectation, hoping that they will be different this time. Which, by the way, so now we got to talk about this is a little bit of a quick aside. If prediction errors are so important, if like aligning our mind with fucking reality is so

important, why is it so hard to do? You're right? So like, if my dad has never showed up for one of my basketball games, why do I, why the fuck do I think that he'll show up this time, right? What the hell is wrong with my brain? So this is where, unfortunately, we are evolved human beings, which means that, remember, the gap between what your expectations are and what happens. This is where we, this is where pain is, right? This is the size of the pain. So then our, brain has a, has a slight problem, which is that when it experiences pain, it has compensatory mechanisms, right? These are things like narcissists. defense, denial, right? When someone attacks me like, oh, this, your drinking is a problem. Like,

oh my God, it's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem. Let's deny it because that, that the realization of that pain is so great that our, our brain literally has compensatory mechanisms to put our heads in the sand and ignore the pain. Okay. That's why we do this. That's why this is so hard to lower your expectations. At the same time, what we really want to do is still focus on just literally making a prediction about the future. And when you make that prediction, there's a good chance that that prediction will hurt, right? So I'm thinking about a patient who, you know, had a kid and married to a gamer and they had this, like, hope that their boyfriend, addicted to video games would change when they had a kid, but like they didn't change, right?

A kid didn't actually magically change the problems. And accepting that ahead of time and in helping that patient, accept that, like, really, really hurt. So we have to sort of accept the psychological pain when we make accurate predictions. So let's get to the issue of standards. So this is where I think generally speaking, you shouldn't compromise your standards, right? So if you want a partner who is available and supportive and attractive, like you should not compromise on those things.

But there are situations where standards are too high. So let's talk about that. So I know we said don't lower your standards, but in some people I think it's important to lower your standards. And I know you guys hate that. I know y'all are like, oh my God, like I don't want to lower my standards. I want what I want. But we'll get there.

We'll get there. help you, we'll help you figure out how to achieve that in a second, okay? But let's be clear about sometimes people's standards are too high, right? This is not what they expect. This is what they are willing to accept. And my favorite example of this, I've seen like, you know, shorts about, you know, people who will ask people on the street, like, what kind of partner are you looking for? And then they tally up all those things and they make a statistical analysis and they're like, this is insane. You're looking for a person who's literally one in a million. Okay. So how do we know if our standards are too high? And if we should lower our standards or we shouldn't lower our

standards. So this is where there are a couple of things that lead to standards that are too high. And one is something called a compensatory standard. When I was getting lots of Fs, I was chain failing classes back as a freshman in college. My standard was to get an A, right? Because I needed to compensate for failure with a really high standard. I need to make up for that failure. So that is not a good idea because then you create a situation where the standard that you have is unattainable, right? So the minimum that I'm willing to accept, since I got an F, I have to get an A. And if in the first two weeks of my classes, if there was a single B, if I got a B on my first exam, I would drop the class, right? And then I've spent a bunch of money. I've spent three months not advancing my degree at all. That's why it

took me five and a half years to graduate. So sometimes our standards are too high. And if they're too high, they create a problem. The first is they set us up for failure. Right. So if I'm getting straight Fs and I'm shooting for A's, that gap is huge. What's, what would be way better is if I, set a standard for a C, like, bro, let's focus on passing. And then we can work our way to an A. We also see this a lot. I see this a lot in, like, the in cells and people that I work with, where it's like, a lot of people will ask, why don't the in cells date the fem cells?

Like, y'all are all alone. You're looking for command. You're just date each other. Like, it's problem solved. Right. But this is the challenge is a lot of people have a very, very, very high and arguably unattainable standard for the kind of person that they want to date. And this is where, like, we don't want to compromise on that.

So let's talk about how to achieve high standards. So this is where I think like getting to where you want to go, right, even if you want to shoot for the moon, I say shoot for the moon. But don't confuse your goal from the standard, which is what is good enough, which is the median of what you are willing to accept from your expectation. And when you separate these three things out, you will be able to navigate life better, right? Because I'm going to expect very little, but I'm going to continue to aim for my standard. And once I achieve my standard, then I'm going to iterate towards what I want. So we've got a relationship guide coming out, or maybe it's already out, that navigates all this stuff and helps you figure out how to find happiness in a relationship.

So let's break this down, okay? So first thing is let your expectations be accurate predictors based on past data. So if you text someone on a dating app, the likelihood that they don't respond is pretty high. The likelihood that they flake is pretty high. So set your expectations accordingly. Second thing is work towards what your goal is. Don't set the goal as the standard. This is how people achieve excellence. They don't start out of the gate being excellent. They start off doing the minimum and then doing better and then doing better and then doing better. How do you get to diamond rank or platinum rank or ultra-challenger mega rank in any particular video game? You start at the bottom and you slowly work your way up. Okay. So in terms of relationships,

for example, like a lot of people are interested in this and this and this and this. This is where, like, generally speaking, most of the successful and happy relationships that I've seen involve two things. They involve someone that has some kind of spark. There's some kind of emotional connection, right, which is really hard to create, but we talk about it in the guide. And the second thing is a willingness to change. So the relationships that the person that you start to date today is the person that you're going to be dating 20 years from now depends really on one variable, which is what is their willingness to change. This is how you move from a standard to a goal.

Okay, you accept the minimum, and then you work your way up. So in the case of something like a job, you know, this is where like if this is not an acceptable place, polish up your resume and look for a different job. It doesn't have to be perfect because if you're looking for a perfect job, which I've had problems with, I mean, I've had patients who will do this, right? So I had a patient who had a PhD graduated from an Ivy League institution, one of the top institutions in the United States. And then the job market was really bad. So they weren't able to find a job like the first year, the second year. And then it became year number three and then

year number four. And many of their colleagues were like in leadership positions at startups and things like that. And so then like then they were four years out of post PhD, have no work experience. And they refuse to apply for entry level positions because they're like, I have a PhD from Stanford. I'm, I deserve to be a senior VP or a VP of development, product development. at this kind of company, I won't accept anything less, right? So they're unwilling to start with the minimum standard and work their way up. Now, here's the thing that is also really confusing, which we have to talk about because I know you guys don't want to do that, right? Like, oh my God, Dr. Kay, I don't want to do that. I want to find the perfect person from the get-go. So here's one last thing

that I want to share with y'all, which is what you are happy with, what brings you contentment, and what you want are actually independent of each other. Literally. The circuits in the brain that lead to happiness and contentment, two different circuits, the serotonergic circuit, simplification, right? Because neuroscience is complicated. The serotonergic circuit, which leads to mood, contentment, peace, things like that. So when we have high serotonin levels, and the endocannabinoid circuit. So literally the circuit of liking things is different from the circuit of wanting things.

So hedonics are endocannabinoid. That's how much you like something. And serotonin, which is generally mood, peace, and content. Wanting stuff is dopamine. Okay, so this is the last thing that we're going to kind of talk about. I don't know if this makes sense. Wanting something is a prediction of prospective enjoyment. Liking something happens after the fact.

Do you all get that? Like, I can want a burger, but my enjoyment of the burger happens after I eat it. This is really important to understand. So this is what's really messed up. The things that we want are not necessarily the things that make us happy. And the best example for that is fucking multiplayer video games. I want to play a good game of Dota. I want to play a good game of League of Legends.

I want to play PubG. I want, want, want, want, want. But when I do it, it's not even fun. Like, what the hell? Right? And this is what's really scary as a psychiatrist who works with people who want all kinds of things. The things that you want, you may not even like. And the things that you like, you may not even want.

These are two independent variables. So it's okay for there to be a gap between what you want and what's the minimum you are willing to accept, and you may be amazed by how happy that makes you. Thanks for joining us today. We're here to help you understand your mind and live a better life. If you enjoy the conversation, be sure to subscribe. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.