HealthyGamerGG - You're Probably Not An Introvert

Episode Date: November 26, 2023

There are a lot of misconceptions about personalities in regard to introversion, and extroversion. People think that if I get drained by social interactions that means I'm an introvert. It turns out things are a lot more complicated than that.  Check out HG coaching: https://bit.ly/47dF7rF Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And then some part of your brain is like, this guy's having fun at a social event. Doesn't he know he's an introvert? And then we unplug the social battery. And then you feel drained. So if we look at people nowadays, everybody is an introvert. Why? Because social interactions are exhausting. So let me ask you all a question.

What does an extrovert with social anxiety look like? Can extroverts get social anxiety? How does that work? So it turns out that everyone thinks that they're an introvert and chances are that half of y'all at least are wrong. Okay? So there's a lot of common misconceptions about personality and introversion and extroversion.

And people sort of think that, oh, if I get drained by social interactions, that means I'm an introvert. Well, it turns out that things are a little bit more complicated than that. Let's take a look at some science. Happy now, tired later. Extroverted and conscientious behavior are related to immediate moon gains, but to later fatigue. Extroverted behavior correlates with being socially tired later. Wow, that's kind of weird, right?

That's interesting. So this is what a lot of people don't understand. If you get tired from social interactions, that does not. mean that you are an introvert. What we're going to learn today is, first of all, how introversion and extroversion, there's a lot more complicated stuff about social anxiety. And once we understand why we actually get drained from social interactions, and extroverts, by the way, get drained from some social interactions more than introverts do. Then we'll understand what is the nature of introversion, extroversion, how does my social battery get drained? And we'll also give you

one key thing, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert. to not get drained when you interact socially. So we'll teach you how to have more energy when you approach social interactions, okay? Hey, y'all, I want to take a moment to talk about HG groups. Our group coaching experience here at Healthy Gamer is designed to help people with the problems

of the digital age, problems like social isolation, a lack of purpose, or simply feeling overwhelmed. Groups are a place that will help you learn the skills that are necessary for success that aren't really taught anywhere else. Skills like how to be an effective listener and communicate effectively.

Skills like how to be vulnerable so that you can allow yourself to authentically connect with another human being. Skills like cultivating self-awareness so you understand where your motivation comes from, but also where self-sabotaging behavior comes from. And so if y'all are interested in learning more about groups and interested in learning a little bit about

how you can develop competence and confidence to move forward in life, check out the link in the description below. So misconception number one. Everyone thinks, oh my God, extroverts get energy from social interactions. And if I feel drained, that means I'm introvert. Incorrect. So what we tend to find is that even extroverts become fatigued from social interaction. The other really interesting thing is that if you look at negative work spaces, so

people where, work spaces where people gossip. So a lot of you all think, oh, I'm an introvert. and I hate this fucking political, everyone's gossiping all the time, and it's so exhausting. It turns out that if you are an introvert, you are actually resistant to workplace gossip. And actually, additionally, extroversion strengthens

the main effect of negative workplace gossip on emotional exhaustion. Right? So this is bizarre. This means that actually extroverts are more sensitive to social things. And that negative workplace gossip actually gets negatively impacted by extroversion. So some of y'all out there may actually be extroverts, but you just get tired from social interactions. And that's because there is a simplistic view. I know this sounds crazy.

But as we get more and more 60-second TikToks that have no nuance in them, we start to get these like black and white perceptions of what introversion and extroversion are. This means I am an introvert. This means I'm an extrovert. No, it doesn't. Half of y'all are introverts and half y'all are extroverts. And on top of that, 87.5% of y'all are basically somewhat in the middle and it shouldn't gigantically impact you. There are other things going on. Let's understand this. So if I'm saying, hold on a second, if I get exhausted from social interactions, does that mean I'm not an introvert? Yes, there is even some evidence that being an extrovert causes certain kinds of

social interactions to be more, to affect you more. So the key thing about extroversion is you are more connected to your social environment. So if you're, if you're fucking in a toxic workplace and you feel exhausted in going into work every day, it doesn't mean you're an introvert. It just, that actually means you could be an extrovert who's just more sensitive to the workplace dynamics. Introversion means that you're less connected to workplace stuff or social interactions. Okay. That's number one. Second thing is if we look at that fatigue paper, that even if you get a mood lift, you will be fatigued three hours later. And that finding is actually somewhat independent of whether you are an introvert or extrovert. So that sounds kind of weird because, or weren't we talking about extroversion in some way?

So if you look at extroverted behavior, extroverted behavior leads to a mood lift followed by fatigue three hours later. And whether your personality is more of an introvert or extrovert, it actually doesn't matter. So this is the key thing. A lot of that exhaustion does not have to do with personality. And this is really important to understand because personality is relatively fixed. It can change some over time, but it's kind of who you are. The key thing to understand what a lot of people don't understand about exhaustion and social interaction, it doesn't have to do with personality.

It has to do with what's in your head at that moment, your behaviors, and the way that you frame social situations. So even introverts can learn how to enjoy social interactions. So if this isn't the case, if we're sort of saying that it doesn't matter that I'm an extrovert or an introvert, social interactions are going to be exhausting for everybody. And maybe even social interactions are more exhausting for extroverts in some situations. why does everyone feel so socially exhausted? And why does everyone think that they're an introvert? So there's a second thing going on.

What exhausts people in social situations is also something like social anxiety. So if we look at social anxiety, which an extrovert can have, by the way, which is terrifying, it's really tricky. What happens is that when we go into social situations, when we have social anxiety, our cognitive ram is filled up with anxious thoughts. So you go and you hang out with a group of friends and you're like, oh my God, like what is this person thinking? Is this person upset? Should I speak in?

When should I enter the conversation? I have something cool to say, but I don't know how to enter the conversation. I'm just waiting here, waiting for my chance to speak, waiting for my chance to speak. And oh, crap, now they've shifted to something else, but I had really something cool to say, should I go back to the topic? But that feels kind of awkward and I kind of miss my chance. And oh, crap. And like, now I'm not even saying anything.

and are people wondering like if I'm just standing around, am I being creep? This is what leads to social exhaustion. This is social anxiety. Now, why is this experience more common? The one uniform thing that I think is responsible for the rise in social anxiety across our generation, starting with millennials, it is getting worse the deeper down we go, the younger we get,

is the use of technology. This episode is brought to you by CarMax. a car the easy way, start at CarMax. Want to browse with confidence? Get pre-qualified with no impact on your credit score and shop within your budget. From luxury to family rides, CarMax has options for almost every price range, including over 25,000 cars under $25,000. Want to get started? Head to CarMax.com for details and get pre-qualified today. Want to drive? CarMax. So what started to happen is we've stopped relating to other people like in person. We do things like DM each other on Discord. And when we use online-based communication, a lot of our empathic and social circuitry starts to

rust. So just to give you all a simple example, when human beings used to sit around, around a fire, and like talk to each other 2,000 years ago, there are all of these circuits in our brain that started to develop that measure tone, body language, you know, facial expressions. And as those circuits develop, those things reassure us, right? Because you can like, as you pay attention, you're not really paying attention. It's all subconscious. So the tone and body language of the people around you, reassure you. You say, okay, these people like me, they feel comfortable. As we move on to more online communication, those parts of our brain rust. Because if I'm DMing 15 people on Discord.

I don't have, like the part of, like, I can't measure tone. I can't see body language. So those parts of our brains start to shut off in the same way that you forget a language if you don't use it. Now we go into a real life social situation. These parts of our brain that give us social reassurance are shut off. And so we don't get any of those positive signals telling us, hey, people actually don't think you're a creep.

They're smiling at you. They're looking at you. right? They're like that they don't think you're a creep. But as those parts of our brain deactivate, the cognitive part of our brain starts picking up all of that load. And then it starts hyperactivating and doing like calculations and calculations are fatiguing. And the more cognitively you're sitting there calculating, calculating, calculating, calculating how to not screw up this conversation. And no wonder it's exhausting. It has nothing to do with whether you're an extrovert or an introvert.

Okay? This is why social anxiety is increasing. This is why people are getting more, think they're an introvert all the time. Doesn't mean that you're an introvert. Next thing. So how do we fix this? Okay? So there are a couple of things.

One is that you can just spend more time with other human beings. And as you spend time with human beings, those parts of your brain will start to like, the gears will start moving and it'll stop being a little bit rusty. Okay? But it's painful to do that. Right? And that's why like people will say this shit like just put yourself out there. Just put yourself out there. Just put and you're like, that's painful. Yeah, it's painful, but it's going to take some time for your like gears to adjust. So it's kind of like, you know, if I'm sitting all day in an air conditioned environment and then I start spending time outdoors where it's hot, it's going to feel really crappy, but eventually my body will like start to change my thermo regulation because the body adapts. But it sucks until that adaptation kicks in. Second thing, so if we look at what causes exhaustion when we socially interact with people, there's one primary variable that you can control, which is the purpose of the social interaction.

So purpose-driven social interaction reduces the energy drain. So when I go to a party because my friends are like, hey, put yourself out there. and you're like, all right, I guess I have to go to a party. And then you go to a party, but you're like, okay, I'm just here to put myself out there. There's not a clear idea of, like, what you're doing there. There's not a clear purpose. That's going to be socially exhausting because you're just sitting there. You're holding a drink.

Maybe you're on your phone too. You're kind of like, what am I even doing here? Like, this is a pain. Like, no one's talking to me. I'm not talking to anyone. You're not really, like, focused on, you don't have a particular goal. So this is what's really interesting. interesting is you can send introverts to social situations or extroverts. And if they have a purpose

for being there, their energy will be way higher. Right. So I can send an introvert to like, hey, like, we're going to go play board games at a board game cafe. And like, we're going to have fun at a board game cafe. And then you go to a board game cafe and suddenly you've got these introverts who are chatting up the people next to them. Because I'm there with like my three friends. We're playing a four-player game, but hey, let's play like mafia or something like that involves eight players. And now suddenly you're like making friends. There's tons of like people at anime conventions who are like hitting each other up and making friends and half of them introverts or half of them are extroverts. It's not like anime is like specifically an introvert hobby.

That's what we think. But I don't think so. So purpose driven social activity. So if you feel drained by social interaction, it doesn't mean you're an extrovert, doesn't mean you're an introvert. Instead, what you really need to think about is what am I doing this for? What's my goal in being here? And even to sort of almost like operationalize that out a little bit. And if you're going to a party, okay, like, I'm going to go here and I'm going to practice talking to people. So I'm going to try to introduce myself to five different people at the party. And I'm going to at least make small talk with five different people.

And after that, if I'm not having a good time after 45 minutes, I'm just going to leave. So lay it out for yourself. And then how do you actually introduce yourself to people at a party? You literally walk up to them and you can say, hi, hello. Don't say both of those things. That's weird. Walk up and say hi. Smile.

Walk up. Hold out your hand like this, you know, and say, hi, my name is Alok. It's nice to meet you. And then you can kind of ask them like, you know, like how did you all end up here? You can ask them why, why they're, you know, how did you end up? here. Are you a friend of so-and-so? Someone invited you to the party, right? And you can say, like, hey, I'm a friend of so-and-so's, however you got to the party, or I'm a student at this university, and I'm here to get to know some people and expand my social circle. That's it, right?

You don't need an excuse. Like, oh my God, like, I have no friends and I haven't left the house at 8-2-1. You don't need to say that. Just say, hey, I'm here to expand my social circle. I'm here to meet new people. Right? And that's all the reason you need. And they're like, this motherfucker, They're all socially anxious. So they're like, this motherfucker, I wish I could do that. They're like, now I have to explain why I'm here. Right? You get that?

Like, all the socially anxious people wish they could walk up to someone and confidently introduce themselves. And confidently introducing yourself is not about having confidence. It's about being succinct. You just walk up, you say very little, and then the ball is in their court. That's it. Right? And you don't want to do some people are like, how you doing? Don't do any of that crap. Right? Or you can be, hi, hello. How are you doing today? Right? And if you stutter over your words, you start, that's okay. You can stutter. You can say hi. You know, hi, hi, hi, hi. I can't do, I mean, I can't, I can't create a stutter. So you can just stutter and you just say your thing. Hey, I'm here to meet people.

Having a starter doesn't mean that you're not a good human being. What if they laugh, then let them laugh, right? That's why you're introducing yourself to five people. And maybe you said something that was funny. Who knows? Ambition comes in all shapes and sizes. At First Citizens Bank, we're fit for your ambitions, whatever shape they may take. Whether you're planning for today or tomorrow, we've got the flexibility and know-how to help you reach your goals.

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