Heavyweight - #39 Stephen

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

This is the second and final part of last week’s episode. So if you’ve not yet heard the episode “Justine,” go back and listen to that first. Credits Heavyweight is hosted and produced by Jonathan Goldstein. This episode was produced by senior producer Kalila Holt, along with Stevie Lane and Mohini Madgavkar. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Jorge Just, Alex Blumberg, Sharon Mashihi, Connie Walker, Isabelle Larreur, and Jackie Cohen. News footage courtesy of Gray Media Group, Inc. and WAVE 3 News. The show was mixed by Bobby Lord.  Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, Blue Dot Sessions, Katie Mullins, and Bobby Lord. The song Stephen listens to in the episode is “The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack” by Liars. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today's episode is part two in a series. If you haven't listened to the first part, Justine, go back, listen to that, and I'll meet you back here for part two. Yes. Remember when we did karaoke for my B-Day? We never did karaoke on your birthday, Johnny. Yes, we did.

You and I did a duet. Never. Islands in the Stream. Never. And then we got into a fight onet. Never. Islands in the Stream. Never. And then we got into a fight on stage because you wanted to do the Kenny Rogers part. So we're talking, John. Honestly, I really enjoyed this conversation.

No, you didn't. I really enjoyed talking to you. You didn't enjoy it at all. Can't wait till we talk again. Really looking forward to it. I wish you well. You wish me well. That's like your way of telling me to drop dead

pretty much from Gimlet Media I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight today's episode Steven Today's episode, Stephen. Right after the break. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning.

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Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. Hello? Justine? Can you hold on just one second? Okay, sorry. I lost the remote for my TV, and so I have to use my phone as a remote.

A phone as a remote? Brave new world we live in. I know, it's amazing. But we have more important things to talk about. That's true. So tell me what happened. When we last spoke, Justine and her mother had hatched a plan. They were going to sit Justine's brother Stephen down so their mom could tell him the truth,

that his dad Gary wasn't actually his biological father. Stephen is trying to save up money, so he's currently living with their mom. The idea was for Justine to go over to the house and lend emotional support while their mother came clean. But on the day in question, she said she literally doesn't know what words she's going to say. She doesn't know how she's going to form the sentence. After being afraid for over 30 years, her mother was at a total loss about how to finally explain things to Stephen.

She was paralyzed. So Justine stepped up and said she would tell Stephen the news. She'd tell him the truth about his father. When Justine got to the house, she sat down in the living room with Stephen and her mom. Justine began by telling Stephen that when she was a little kid, Gary had told her a secret that he forbid her from telling anyone. Justine had always felt like the secret she carried with her had created a wall between her and Stephen. But now, she was ready to share that secret with him.

How adopted am I? Stephen asked, taking a half-hearted stab at a joke. Stephen has a tendency to laugh and joke around when things get tense. It's something he calls the need to joke to cope. He's been doing it since he was a kid. It's something his family often finds inappropriate and a little irritating. But today, Justine made a point of saying he was free to react any way he wanted. He could make jokes or get angry or sad. Whatever he needed was okay. I'm just like, okay, what's about to happen?

This is Steven. And then she just said, Dad is not your real dad. As Justine spoke the words, Stephen's mouth broke into a huge smile. But no jokes came out. Stephen's smile was one of relief. I had had all this pent-up frustration with my father.

To find out that I wasn't actually related to him made me feel better that way. It was like, oh, so I don't have to care about him anymore. You know, I didn't have to feel guilty about that. Throughout his life, Stephen had to deal with all of Gary's bad parenting without the pluses that Justine received. Try as hard as Stephen might to bond with his dad, Gary remained emotionally remote. In fact, there were long periods where Stephen and Gary didn't even speak. But despite the years of bad blood, Stephen says he'd never actually suspected Gary wasn't his father. That day, when he first

asked Justine if he was adopted, he was just doing what he always does, joking around. Like, what was the most off-the-wall thing that I could guess that she was trying to keep from me? And I was like, there's no way this is it, right? And then she had this look on her face, and I was just like, oh, I'm just kidding. My reality was that Gary was my dad, right? And so I really didn't have any reason to question that at all. After discovering his true paternity, Stephen decided not to confront Gary. Because it seems that after all the years of pretending to be on death's door, this time, Gary really was dying. And along with his failing physical health, his mind was also deteriorating.

Recently, Gary's wife let him know that the secret about Stephen was out. But it didn't throw Gary into a rage. In fact, he didn't react much at all. The secret that dictated a family's every move for decades was now something Gary was too ill to even hold on to. In the weeks after learning the truth, Stephen kept ruminating,

and his initial feeling of relief grew more complicated. You know, I felt, I don't want to say lost, because I feel like that's potentially cliche. Couldn't really focus at work. I just couldn't really get it out of my head. One thing I kept on telling myself was that it doesn't change anything. It's like I was still raised the way I was. But then at the same time, it changes everything, right?

As I got, I'm 33 years old and I'm just now finding this out. It's like having a reality just crushed. Stephen began spending a lot of time on Facebook. Facebook is where he found his biological father, Brian Kirby. From there, he discovered the profiles of Brian's children, Stephen's half-siblings. Stephen would click through, looking at each of their photos over and over. I'd look at it constantly. But it was around Thanksgiving where things kind of just came to head. I just really felt sad. I felt depressed.

We were supposed to go as a family over to my Grandma Joan's house. And I just kind of told my mom, I can't. Because I was just thinking like it's, there's something missing. What is the holidays to the Kirby's? What are your Thanksgivings like? So Stephen went down to the basement, put on his headphones,

and started playing a favorite song of his by a band called Liars. Stephen likes listening to it when he's drawing or writing. Then, he chose a half-sister to message on Facebook. She had a smile that just maybe reminded me of my own smile. So I wrote her a letter just kind of explaining who I was with the hopes that this wouldn't come across

as some Arabian prince that has millions of dollars, but I can't get to it now, so send me this, and then I'll send you that. What was it that you wrote? Well, I could pull it up and read it, but honestly, I am god-awful at reading out loud. Let me find it real quick. I've been struggling to figure out how to approach this, so here I go.

All my life, I've never been able to relate or connect with my dad. I felt different than him in so many ways and never knew why. Within the last six months, I discovered that my dad, quote-unquote, is not my father. Stephen starts the message by offering up all the names and dates he can, anything to prove he's not a scammer. And I can't help but wonder what your life's like. What are your hobbies? Who broke your heart?

Who do you love? Dang it. Sorry. Try not to cry. The choice is yours. I know this is a lot and I don't know if you know about me, but I'd rather try to reach out than live a life of regret. I would love to meet you slash hear from you, but I unfortunately understand that may take time. I don't want anything except to know you. I am happy. I live a good life. I have a great job. I am talented. I am talented I am artistic slash musical I love my family

I will be here hoping and dreaming of hearing from you until I do I won't run far I won't run far I won't run far. I won't run far.

I can always be found. I can always be found. After Stephen sent his message, Kirby started coming out of the woodwork. In total, he had six new siblings, and he exchanged messages with several of them. Stephen spent a particularly long time messaging with a sister named Shannon, who became a sort of point person for the family. Stephen asked if Brian, his biological father, had heard what was going on. And she said, he's actually right here.

And then there was a pause. She messaged back and said, he wants to know if you want to meet. I was trying to hold back because all I wanted to be like was all caps, like, yes, exclamation marks, right? And I was like, that would be good. And I was like, that would be good. Shannon suggests that she and Stephen meet up after the holidays. And so, in early February, they make a plan to get a drink at a bar where Shannon used to work. In the lead-up to meeting Shannon, Stephen worries. He gets uncomfortable in social situations and has trouble maintaining eye contact. What if he's too awkward? When the night arrives,

Stephen dons jeans and a plaid shirt and heads to the bar where Shannon and he drink beer. They talk about Jeeps and trucks, about how they have the same round cheeks. As the evening progresses, Shannon shares details about their father. She tells Stephen how Brian never learned to swim, how he's funny and warm, how he's her best friend. Shannon also says that when she was growing up,

Brian would sometimes get drunk and talk about the child he never met. It turns out that a month before Brian got Stephen's mother pregnant, he'd gotten someone else pregnant, the woman he'd eventually marry, Shannon's mom. Shannon is only a month older than Stephen. Even though they're the same age, throughout the evening, they each try to play the role of the older sibling.

Stephen orders breadsticks to ensure Shannon is eating something, and Shannon refills Stephen's water glass to make sure he'll be okay to drive. In this way, they take care of each other. After that night, Shannon begins working on a plan for Brian and Stephen to meet, and Stephen says he'll update me

when a plan is set. But then months pass, and I don't hear anything. Finally, on the 1st of April, 2020, a little over a year after this whole thing started, Justine sends me an email that reads, we need to talk. Okay, so a couple of things I wanted to update you on. Stephen and his biological father still haven't met. But Justine tells me that Stephen is about to meet the rest of the Kirby siblings. All of them and all at once. But it won't be over dinner or drinks.

They are all going to search for his biological dad who went missing a couple days ago. Whoa. And it's like not looking good. The Indiana State Police put out a missing persons alert the day before, stating that Brian Kirby was last seen wearing a gray sweatshirt with Tennessee printed in white letters and blue jeans. He has blue eyes and red hair. He is believed to be in danger

and may require medical assistance. Neither the alert nor any of the news coverage offers an explanation for Brian Kirby's disappearance. But Justine heard through the grapevine that Brian had been out with a friend and the friend's girlfriend and that things turned violent. There was some kind of a dispute

and, you know, at first the girlfriend said that her boyfriend came back home and, like, she had to change his clothes because his shirt was bloody. Then a couple days later, she changed that story and said it was muddy. Stephen and Brian were supposed to meet a few weeks earlier,

but Brian has lung disease, and when COVID hit, Stephen worried that it might be better to postpone. So now, Stephen is heading out in the height of a pandemic with siblings who were strangers to him to help search for the missing father he never got to meet. Or local. Now, this is Wave 3 News. The Kirby siblings never find their father, but the police do.

A murder mystery over tonight after a Jennings County man's body was found burned with his remains scattered in different parts of the county. In May of 2020, the police arrest a man named Alan Marantos, who pleads guilty to the murder. Loading the body in a vehicle, burning the body at another location, and then discarding the remains in various spots around the county. Morantos has been in Jackson County Jail since the year... Stephen stops going to work. For weeks, he just crashes with his new sister, Deanna.

Although they just met, she lets him sleep on her couch in the trailer she shares with her two kids. In Brian's obituary, Stephen is listed among his children. I reach out to Stephen, but don't hear back. Justine tells me that Stephen's been depressed, that he's not ready to talk about Brian's death.

When I think back to Stephen's vulnerability and enthusiasm around meeting Brian, it's easy to understand why. And then, several months later, Justine writes with more news. After a long stay in hospice, her father Gary died. She says she was grateful to be with him when it happened. So this is your daddy We're getting to the real end of this tape I love you more than anything in my life Take care Bye

Hello, you have reached Justine's voicemail Leave a message Oh, and tell me What is something that you are really good at? Bye. Hey, Justine, it's Jonathan. And I guess I'm really good at keeping year since Brian was murdered. When Justine and I connect, she tells me that in recent months, she's been worrying that her decision to reveal Stephen's paternity was a bad decision.

I think, like, I'm still at a point where I feel, pardon me, a little guilty for, like, this sounds so silly, but for telling the secret that I wasn't ever supposed to tell, you know? You mean guilty to your father? I guess so.

Or even like even towards Steven, it doesn't make sense. I know it was the right thing to do, but it's hard for me to say that it was a good, that I feel good about. I don't know. Maybe part of me feels guilty that I held it in so long. Maybe that's what it is. I think I'm just not fully, I haven't fully processed it to the point where I feel like I did a good thing. Justine is left wondering what telling Stephen actually accomplished. There was a wall between them

before telling him the truth, and now there was still a wall. And because of her, Stephen's grief was doubled. He was forced to live through the death of not one, but two fathers, all in the space of less than a year. Stephen has been distant, pulling away, and Justine fears he might be angry with her.

Things just haven't been the same with us, and I don't know if that's because of the situation with me telling him, or maybe at some point I need to hear it from him, that it was a good thing. It's a hard question to ask someone. Was my crushing your reality a good thing? But after the break, Justine tries to ask Stephen just that. Fanduel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

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We had my son Griffin's third birthday party. Today's the day Justine and Stephen are set to talk, and Justine joins the Zoom first. This is the best age for presents. He like, after the days over, he was like, Mom, I love presents. In the close to two days over, he was like, Mom, I love presents. Like, he just like... In the close to two years since that day in their mom's

living room, when Justine told Stephen the truth, the two of them have never sat down for heart to heart. Stephen and Justine have both recently moved and are living farther apart than they ever have. Justine in Illinois. Stephen in Arkansas. Hello?

Howdy. Stephen's been. Hello. Howdy. Stephen's been alone in a small rural town for a few months now. He's down there fixing up their grandmother's cabin and his red hair and beard have grown shaggy.

He joins the Zoom from a couch, a quaint curtain behind him. Are there grandmotherly type things in the back? It looks like there's some little tchotchkes. There's some Betty Boop figurines. She likes to collect things.

Before the call, Justine told me she was feeling nervous, so I take it upon myself to get the ball rolling. One of the things that I talked about with Justine was whether her telling you... But then I stopped myself. After years of having their relationship middleman-ed by parents, by secrets, maybe Steven and Justine need a chance to talk to one another directly. Well, maybe I should allow Justine, maybe you should just ask.

Yeah. Don't know why it's making me feel emotional but um you know I guess I never thought to ask you like um directly um like uh do you think it was a good thing that the truth came out? I guess that I told you, you know, about dad. While Justine wipes her eyes, Stephen tries to offer an answer by way of a story. It seems that a few months after Brian's murder, Stephen set off on a trip to Kentucky to meet Brian's brother, Barry. They ended up spending the day together. Stephen helped Barry feed his cats, and Barry took Stephen around to some Kirby family landmarks in the area.

Then, they sat down to eat together with some cousins, young nieces, and nephews. And then that afternoon, we went outside and we were sitting out there and then Barry came out and he said, call the ambulance. You could just barely understand what he was saying because he had just started coughing up blood. Oh my God. I mean, like it was splashing on a driveway. As it turns out, two weeks earlier, Barry had been in a car crash. It was while being examined at the hospital that Barry learned he had undiagnosed lung cancer. That's how he came to be coughing up blood on the driveway that day. And the first thing that I thought of was the kids. I told the kids, I said, get in the four-wheeler

and I need you to drive down the driveway and then go up that trail. I'll be right there. Because I didn't want them to see that. And I remember me walking down the hill to go meet up with the kids and I looked back at Barry and he was just looking at me with big eyes. I just kind of nodded my head because we all knew that that was the end.

By the time Stephen comforted the kids and walked back to the house, Barry was dead. The way I always like to tell it, because I try to look on the bright side, is that it was a beautiful day for Barry. It was his last day on earth, and he got to visit his grandma's house, his great-grandma's house, and the family cemetery. and the family cemetery. This story about Uncle Barry doesn't feel like the reassurance Justine had been hoping for. In fact, it feels like the opposite. Yet another blood relative was gone

no sooner than Stephen had learned about him. I mean, I cannot understand what it feels like to discover one father, lose him horrifically, meet a new uncle, lose him horrifically, basically in front of your eyes. To hear the fact of what you went through, a lot of people would say, man, not to cause offense or anything, but like that guy's pretty unlucky. No, a hundred percent. I know that that's gotta be everybody's response, but it's all the things that happened were going to happen regardless of whether I was there or not. And it's a sad story, but same times, like there's so many good things that come out of it, you know, as far as me being there. Stephen was able to be a comfort to the kids and give Barry

a great last day. That makes him proud. And the fact of the timing of Brian being murdered, if you can find a positive in that, it's that it brought me and my brothers and sisters on a curvy side closer together a whole lot faster than it would have ever happened before.

Stephen looks over at Justine and directly addresses the question of whether learning the truth was a good thing. Yeah, no, I wouldn't change. There's a lot of things I would change, but I don't regret it. I should have known. And I, one of my biggest fears always you or mom, they're feeling bad or regret or sorry for me or like, man, we really shouldn't have told them. And really, it was the greatest thing to ever, it's difficult to say, but it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I've always felt kind of like a free spirit in a way, but really kind of holding myself back, worried about what other people would think. but really kind of holding myself back,

worried about what other people would think. I didn't necessarily realize how lost I was as an individual until I was able to meet and connect with the Kirbys. We're all really similar in a lot of ways, and a lot of those ways I used to really kind of fight and feel like I wasn't supposed to be like that because my mom's not like that, dad's not like that, Justine's not like that. While Stephen not like that, Justine's not like that. While Stephen struggled in school, Justine excelled, attending a gifted program and eventually becoming a teacher.

Doing well in school so you can go to college, so you can start a career that becomes your life, Stephen tried to do those things because Justine and his mom had. He wanted to please them, be like them, but he always felt like he was falling short. With the Kirbys, Stephen saw a different way to live than the one he'd grown up with. Life was more improvisational. For instance, one night when Stephen went out drinking with his sister Shannon and her friends, they got too drunk to drive home and ended up crashing at a friend's nearby hotel room. In the middle of the night, Shannon got out of bed and went out for a smoke.

But she forgot to take along a room key. And she forgot to wear pants. So she appeared at the front desk, demanding to be led into a room that she had no business being in. All while not wearing pants. The whole gang was kicked out. But it wasn't the end of the world. In fact, Stephen thought it was pretty fun. His new family is warm and huggy.

They say, I love you a lot. When Stephen feared he might be intruding on Shannon's life by texting too often, she told him, you will never be a bother. It really has changed me. And it's like I've told the Kirby's, you guys helped me make sense. The way I've lived this last year is night and day compared to what I have in the past,

as far as just kind of, it's really kind of going for a lot of stuff and living metaphorically for the first time in my life. Stephen says he's always wanted to travel, to just get in a car and drive. He remembers countless conversations with Justine where she'd encourage him to go. We've talked about it over and over again. Yeah. I remember so vividly, like Steven coming to my house and we're on the couch and he's just

like, I have this urge, like, I just want to go somewhere. And I'm like, okay, so just do that. You know, what's stopping you? And he's like, well, what's mom going to think? Or who's going to watch the dog or whatever? I'm like, I'll watch the dog. Mom will be fine. And even in my mind, I knew he's probably not going to go. But about a month after Barry's death and two months after Brian's, Stephen jumped in his car in Indianapolis and just started heading west.

The Badlands, Glacier National Park, Washington State, all the way to the Canadian border. On the road, he slept in a hammock, bathed in the river, fried up spam and eggs at rest stops, and saw the Pacific Ocean for the very first time. I had Barry and Brian looking over me. And honestly, the whole time, I really kind of felt their presence. I just kind of drove. Just it either felt right or it didn't feel right. If it didn't feel right, well, then take a left turn instead of a right turn.

You know, it's like in those moments, which I had so many on that trip. It's like, what have I been doing for the past 33 years when I could have been doing this? You know, the Steven that I'm talking to today is like the real Stephen that was always inside, like wanting to get out, but like, hey guys, is this okay? No, okay. So I like, it's obvious to me that

this other side of the family is his, has like completed him in a way. side of the family has completed him in a way. So to Justine's question, it seems clear that she did do the right thing. Stephen thinks back on that day Justine told him

the truth, how she gave him the permission to react however he wanted, be it with sadness or anger or even by joking around. It was all okay. Steven could just be Steven. And I've never felt like that's right until that moment. It meant a lot.

It made me feel really good and accepted. There's nobody else on this planet that I would have wanted to tell me the news than you. that I would have wanted to tell me the news than you. It feels amazing to hear you say that. You would have wanted it to be anyone other than me. It makes me feel really special and really close to you. And it makes me feel like it was right.

The secret that had become a wall between Justine and Stephen was coming down. They didn't share the same father, but they shared the same facts. Finally, there was reality, and it wasn't crushing either of them. If you need me, if you need me, if you need me I can always be found, I can always be found

I can always be found, I can always be found Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home. Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damage deposit. Take this moment to decide. If we meant it, if we tried. Or felt around for far too much From things that accidentally touched This episode of Heavyweight was produced by senior producer Kalila Holt,

along with Stevie Lane, Mohini McGowker, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Jorge Just, Alex Bloomberg, Sharon Mishihi, Connie Walker, and Jackie Cohen. News footage courtesy of Gray Media Group Incorporated and Wave 3 News. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, and Bobby Lord. The song Stephen listens to in the episode is The Other Side of Mount Heart Attack by Liars. Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com slash heavyweight. Our theme song is by The Weaker Thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records. Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight.

We're always looking for stories, so send us an email at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com. We'll be off for the next two weeks as we finish another two-part episode. So we'll be back November 18th.