Heavyweight - #44 Sara

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Sara received a letter from a woman with the exact same name as her. In it, the woman claimed to be her childhood best friend. The only problem? Sara doesn’t remember this person. At all. Credits Heavyweight is hosted and produced by Jonathan Goldstein. This episode was produced by supervising producer Stevie Lane, and Mohini Madgavkar. The senior producer is Kalila Holt. Production help from Damiano Marchetti. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Alex Blumberg, Mimi O’Donnell, Sanya Dosani, Rosie Guerin, and Jackie Cohen. Thank you also to Professor George Bonanno, author of the book The End of Trauma. The show was mixed by Bobby Lord.  Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, Blue Dot Sessions, Florian Le Prise, and Bobby Lord. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yeah. I was thinking of you last night. You know why? Why? I couldn't sleep. Yeah. And rather than count sheep, I counted the toilets in your house, and I fell asleep after six or seven.

But then I couldn't remember. How many toilets? Is it again? It's five. No, that doesn't sound right at all Count again Let's do it together The one in the basement

One on the ground floor The one on the balcony The one outdoors on the front steps Before you come into the house The one on the roof There was the one Wait, what's that, like nine? I already told you how many there were that you wanted to argue with me.

We're not having an argument. We're having a civilized conversation. We could have a podcast called Toilet Talk. Yeah. From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight. Today's episode, Sarah. Right after the break. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning.

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See Kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. This is Sarah Hebert. Hebert. Hebert? Hebert. Hebert. I see. Okay, so the H is silent. Yeah. Silent because Sarah Hebert lives in Louisiana and her family is Cajun. Do you speak French? I know enough French to know when my grandmother is gossiping about me. When I was a kid, the adults would talk in Yiddish. Could you understand what they were saying about you? It was never great. Yeah. Sarah's here to tell me about a letter she received a while back.

Her husband, Chris, usually brings in the mail, so he was the one who first handed it to her. The return address on the envelope said Abbeville, the tiny town where Sarah grew up. So I opened the letter and I pull it out and it's like, it is a handwritten letter. Sarah says she can't remember the last time someone hand wrote her a letter.

And then there was the handwriting itself, which was big and bubbly and written on lined paper, the kind torn from a spiral-bound notebook. Like, I feel like I remember getting letters in middle school that kind of looked like this. Can you read it? Yes, I'd be happy to.

So it says, Hey, how are you doing? It has been so long since I've seen or spoke to you. You were my best friend. So it says, is like a very Cajun way of saying like we spilt water everywhere. You were my very best friend, and I don't really remember what happened, but I have thought of you often through the years, and I found you. It would be so amazing to visit and get to catch up with you. And then there's her cell number, her address. Sorry, it's so weird to read this aloud. And the reason it's so weird, Sarah says, is that she has absolutely no idea who this person is. At all. Like, I don't have a memory of her. But that's not even the weirdest part. The weirdest part, Sarah says, is the name at the end of the letter. Sarah Hebert, which is my name.

In the letter, the writer refers to herself as the other Sarah Hebert. So wait a second. So you read this letter, and at the bottom... She signed it, sincerely, Sarah Beth Hebert. So Beth with a T-H. And my name is Sarah Beth Hebert, B- with a T-H. And my name is Sarah Bess Hebert, B-E-S-S. It's literally like pretty much the same name, right? What was your first thought like when you finished reading this? Is this a scam?

Like, I told a couple of friends about it, and they were like, this is a scam. They were like, this person's trying to get money from you or something. Sarah's suspicions only deepened after Googling the other Sarah. My generation of people, we grew up on the internet, right? So, like, it's probably possible to find, like, a photo of me in my 20s. I can't find anything on this person. Like, I can't find, like, a MySpace page or, like, old internet forum post. Like, it's bizarre to me that someone would be my age and not have some sort of trail on the internet.

The whole thing does sound pretty scammy. And yet, for an entire year now, Sarah hasn't been able to throw the letter away. There are parts of it that just feel oddly familiar. Like when she says the stuff about rollerblading, the more I read this letter, the more I'm like, something about that does feel true. Like I do feel like I got in trouble at some point for rollerblading in a kitchen when I was a kid.

Is it real or is it fake? Sarah has come to me to render a verdict. And so, like any good investigative journalist, I defer to the experts. In this case, the expert I turn to whenever I think I'm being scammed. I would say that maybe three times a year

you send me an email saying, is this a, am I being fished? This is Alex Goldman, the former co-host of the Reply All podcast. You get emails from like your wife and you're like, Alex, is this, she says I should bring home salmon. Is this for real?

I look at a lot of things as a long con. You get emails from like your wife and you're like, Alex, she says I should bring home salmon. Is this for real? I look at a lot of things as a long con. Alex once traveled all the way to India to investigate a scam call he received. Scams are his specialty. So I lay out the letter to him, the identical names, the torn notebook paper, the big and bubbly handwriting. And then I await his ruling. Okay, I mean, just no one sends a letter to try and scam someone. Okay.

The thing about scamming is you do it because you think it's easy. It's about getting stuff easily without having to work for it. This is a lot of work. Alex says scams aren't tailored to one person like the letter is. They're more one-size-fits-all. Someone gets a big list of people and they email them all at once, trying to get as many people as possible so that you can catch a couple gullible people. I've never heard of anybody saying, like, I'm going to find someone and say, not only did we have almost exactly the same name, but we were best friends.

and say, not only did we have almost exactly the same name, but we were best friends. A scam would be to try and create loose ties rather than tight ties. What if she just wants to reconnect? What happened to you that made you so paranoid like this? What happened to you? After speaking with Alex, I deliver my report to Sarah. The letter is not a scam.

But this presents a new problem, one that might be more troubling. If the other Sarah is real, then Sarah has completely forgotten her best friend. How can a person forget a whole best friend? It turns out that for Sarah, a forgotten friend is just the tip of the iceberg. It turns out that for Sarah, a forgotten friend is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't remember a whole lot from my life from that period of time. And part of the reason is just, like, I had a really difficult childhood, like, when my mom and my dad separated. Just a lot of weird stuff that happened.

How old were you? I was eight. And so, like, ugh. Sarah says she was thrust into the middle of their fights, forced to listen to each parent badmouth the other. Things grew so bad that her mom and dad refused to go to each other's homes to pick up Sarah. Instead, they exchanged her in a McDonald's parking lot. Sarah has some memories from that time, but they're patchy and full of gaps. My mom and I at one point lived in a homeless shelter because she was just trying to make ends meet as a single mom

and this was her solution to put a roof over our heads. And this is in rural South Louisiana, so it's not like there are a ton of resources for families that live on the edge. Sarah has memories of her and her mom sleeping in the same bed. She remembers playing board games and eating in the communal kitchen. You know, Cajun culture is all about like food, right? So like we cook everything from scratch. Like it would be blasphemy for you to cook dinner for your family and for it to be hamburger helper.

And I remember in the homeless shelter, it was the first time I ever ate hamburger helper and it was delicious. Life with her dad wasn't any more stable. Sarah's father remarried quickly and with his new wife operated a joint grocery store and bar, which they named the Lonesome Dove. There was a lot of hard drinking and a lot of late nights. I would spend the night on the counter of the grocery store, like with a sleeping bag. And that's where I would sleep while they worked in the bar until late at night.

Hmm. It sounds depressing when I say it, but like, I really liked it. Because like, I could eat all the candy I wanted from the store. And like, I could stay up late and watch like David Letterman on TV. What happens often is like I'll tell my therapist some anecdote like this and then she kind of looks at me and I think, oh yeah, that's like, that's sad stuff. Like that's stuff that a normal person would probably be like, that's effed up. Yeah. Because, you know, like,

it was pretty messed up. Like, some of the stuff I went through as a kid. And that stuff, painful stuff, is being dredged up. Since reading the letter, Sarah's begun remembering all the times she got sick.

I guess I puked a lot when I lived with my dad and my stepmom. And I remember that it felt like I was a burden whenever I was sick. Thinking about my hesitations around, like, you know, breaking the seal on this part of my life, it brings up a lot of stuff that, like, I haven't processed. Listening to Sarah speak, I realize that maybe it isn't so much a fear of being scammed that's kept her from responding to the other Sarah.

It's a fear of opening a door to the past. For the most part, Sarah says, the past is something she pretends doesn't exist. Which sounds so ridiculous because the past does exist. But I can live in a world where I don't have to deal with the implications of what has happened in the past. And maybe that's the way I should do it. Right? Like, because like, it's gotten me through to this point in my 30s. Like, I'm doing okay. She has a job she loves at a video game company, and a husband she's been married to for 11 years. She is doing okay. Yet all the while, the letter, which has now been sitting on Sarah's desk for about a year, still calls to her. What does the other Sarah know about her life that she herself doesn't?

Clearly, I don't want her to be hurt. This is Sarah's husband, Chris. You know, obviously, I'm worried that just wandering into this, it might bring up a whole lot of other things about the tough parts of Sarah's past. But I think it'd be fun to just learn more about the good times that Sarah had as a kid. And if I could learn more about Sarah's rollerblading days, that would make me very happy. So Chris hatches a plan.

He's like, you know, we could just drive down there and look at where she lives and see if it feels safe. Together, they punch the return address on the envelope into Google Street View. The house that pops up on the screen looks uninhabited. Its windows dark, its front steps missing, the exterior peeling. It looks like a haunted house, which for Sarah is disconcerting. But it doesn't dissuade Chris. He still wants to make the trip. Though he does admit there is a little something else motivating him. I would love an

excuse to go fill my cooler up with boudin sausage from my favorite sausage maker down there. And so, early one morning in late February, Sarah and Chris load their dogs, Bowser and Noki, into the car for the three and a half hour drive to Abbeville. Noki, that's not where you go. a three-and-a-half-hour drive to Abbeville. No, Keith, that's not where you go. He's in the front seat, like he's going to drive the car. Their first stop, of course, is for sausage. How many pounds could I buy?

I'm trying to get a lot. Sarah also wants to share with Chris some of her old haunts, so they stop by the Lonesome Dove. The woman who works there now lets Sarah have a look around. I don't remember the ceiling being this low. But I was smaller then. I was about to say, okay, you might be a little taller now. Sarah buys some candy and orders a hamburger. Do you guys still make burgers?

Could I order one? Later, Sarah tells Mia Tasted just like the burgers her stepmom used to make when she worked there. Sarah and Chris also drive by her old school, Moe Elementary. There is a sign that says they are currently raising money by cooking gumbo. Gumbo for Moe. They park, turn off the engine, and for a while, they just sit there. Does seeing this school

bring back any memories of her? No. No. No. Next stop is the main attraction. We're going to go drive by Sarah's house. See, look. It is abandoned.

Nobody lives in that house. But then, as they make their way closer... Oh, wait, there's a house behind the abandoned house, Chris. The destination is on your left. They live in that house back there. The nicer one? That's what's going on here. Holy shit!

What Sarah and Chris couldn't see on Google Street View was the house behind the house, which has a nice yard and a car in the driveway. It's full of life. They have kids. Look, kids' bikes. Wow, it looks so well taken care of. It feels safe. When Sarah gets home, she drafts a letter.

She handwrites it on a sheet of lined paper, just like the other Sarah did. At the bottom, she signs it the same way the other Sarah signed her letter. With her name. With their name. Sarah Hebert. With her name. With their name. Sarah Hebert. About a week later, Sarah receives a text message back. It's a long, run-on sentence.

Like the sender was so excited, she couldn't be bothered with punctuation. Hey Sarah, this is Sarah, the text reads. I would love to catch up, just text me as soon as you can, and we'll see to it that we can sit down and catch up. I cannot wait. And so, a date is set. Sarah Bess Hebert and Sarah Beth Hebert will finally meet the following Friday. But when the day arrives,

Sarah receives a text from the other Sarah about a plumbing emergency. The other Sarah has to reschedule. So a new date is set. But yet again, the other Sarah is a no-show. After that, she stops answering Sarah altogether. Sarah sends more texts. Months go by, and still, no response. The situation between the two Sarahs has reversed,

with Sarah now the one left waiting. Has she somehow offended the other Sarah? Is the other Sarah ignoring her? Maybe she lost her phone and just isn't receiving her texts. So once again, Sarah puts pen to paper and mails a second letter. Maybe she lost her phone and just isn't receiving her texts. So once again, Sarah puts pen to paper and mails a second letter. But still, nothing. You know, initially when we started talking, I was like, is this a scam?

Right, right. Is this a scam thing? And talking to Chris about, like, kind of how long this has been going on, he's like, I'm starting to feel like maybe there's something weird. I'm also finding it weird. Two months ago, the other Sarah had been so excited to finally connect.

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It's January 2022. At this point, almost a year since Sarah first told me the story of the letter. We catch up. So let's just recap here. You've moved since we last spoke. I live in Los Angeles now. Yeah. Last summer, Sarah was offered her dream job at her favorite video game company. since we last spoke. I live in Los Angeles now. Yeah.

Last summer, Sarah was offered her dream job at her favorite video game company. So in August, she packed up her belongings, rented a U-Haul, and hitched her little smart car

to the back of it. Like a little caboose. Yeah. Sarah says moving to California is something she's always dreamed of doing. There are more exciting things happening in the gaming world in L.A. than in Louisiana.

The job stuff has been amazing. But in the process of moving out here, Chris and I decided to get divorced. Oh, jeez. I'm so sorry. Sarah says that Chris's whole world is in Louisiana. In the same month Sarah was to move to L.A., Chris was starting a grad school program in Southern Studies. He's got a really great career and life trajectory back home, and I want him to be able to do that too. Boy, I'm sorry, and I have to say I'm surprised. There's a certain point in marriage where you realize you really love someone, but you want them to be really happy.

And I think that's been at the core of what our relationship has been. And I don't want him to be alone. Right. Like, and I don't think I'm coming back. Sarah is talking to me over video from her new living room. There are palm trees right outside her windows, and the California sun is streaming in. It's a lot of change.

It is. Yeah. And yet, on the other Sarah Aber front, nothing has changed. I know. It's been 10 months without a word from the other Sarah. But since moving across the country, Sarah's been thinking increasingly about home. And with it, she thinks about her mysterious best friend, if she ever really was her best friend. Since the other Sarah won't answer her, Sarah's considering the idea of asking her family

if they remember the little girl named Sarah Beth Hebert. Specifically, she wants to ask her dad. They talk on the phone each week. But each week comes and goes without Sarah ever bringing it up. Because why? Um, that part of my childhood, like, was really hard for me. And I, like, I don't think my dad ever realized it.

Maybe he didn't. It'd hurt to know for sure. But one Friday morning, Sarah puts her fear aside, and she and I phone up her father. Richard is a retired mechanic, known in his neighborhood as the guy who will fix anything. Lawnmowers, chainsaws. At two o'clock each day, his buddies come by the garage to hang out. Are the guys gonna come over or no? Shit,

yeah. They'll be here. We'll drink beer till about five. With beer o'clock looming, Sarah gets right to it. She tells her father the story of the mysterious letter. So do you remember anyone from when I was a kid who was also named Sarah Hebert? Hey, no, not really.

So this is the kicker, Dad. Her name is Sarah Beth, T-H, Hebert. Come on. It's kind of weird, right? At one point, I mailed Sarah a letter back. And when I went to the post office and I dropped the letter off, the lady was like, why are you mailing a letter to yourself? Yeah.

Sarah offers details from the letter in the hopes it'll spark something for her father. But nothing rings a bell. This girl got good memory. If neither one of me or you, remembers her at all. Do you think it's surprising, Richard, that Sarah just doesn't remember? No, it doesn't

surprise me because that era, that time, maybe there's some times back then she didn't want to remember. Is that the case for you? Are there things that you just would prefer not to remember? Yeah, exactly. Richard might not remember the other Sarah, but to Sarah's fear that her father never realized her pain, it seems like maybe he did.

We were going through a lot of turmoil back then, and if I felt it, I'm pretty sure she did too because she was old enough. Divorces and stuff like that with kids is not easy. People get angry. People do things that you wouldn't think they'd do. Your grandma was, she was hateful. Yeah. She was hateful. Yeah.

My grandma, Jonathan, like, really... I think she had a mental breakdown after my parents got divorced. This was your mom's mom? Yeah. She really went off the deep end. I remember the time she pulled a gun on me. You remember that, Sarah? I do. I was going to pick you up at her house.

She was just mad? Yeah, because we were in her yard. Gotcha. Then she drove up behind me and I couldn't get out. That's when she pulled a gun. We ended up running over on some of her bushes so we could get out. You ended up calling the cops that day, too. some of her bushes so we could get out.

You end up calling the cops that day too. She was so frequently doing crazy stuff like this, Jonathan, that like the I guess like the sheriff, do you remember? Yeah. He would watch for me to walk from the school to mom's house because he was

worried that she would show up. Those times, Jonathan, you don't want to remember. In fact, it seems like no one in Sarah's family wants to remember those times. In the weeks after talking to her father, Sarah speaks with her mother, and she speaks with her older sister,

all in an attempt to see if anyone remembers the other Sarah. But no one does. Who was this little girl collectively forgotten? At this point, the only person who can answer that question is the other Sarah herself. I really want to meet her. Yeah. I mean, I just kind of feel like

whatever needs to happen to actually make it happen would be really great. And so, Sarah sends out one last text. I'm not hopeful it'll change anything, so I'm shocked when the very next day, after nearly a year of nothing, the other Sarah texts back. I'd love to talk to you.

I'm sorry. It was a crazy year. The other Sarah says that since Fridays are day off, it's the best day to talk. So once again, a plan is made for Friday. It's now been nearly two years since Sarah first received the other Sarah's letter. Sarah? Hey!

Hi! How are you? And the two Sarahs finally meet. I was so nervous, so nervous. I was like, I'm excited, but I'm nervous. I was like, it feels like the first day of school is starting a new job or something. I was like, oh my God, I'm so nervous. The other Sarah is apologetic that it took them so long to finally connect.

But true to her last text, the other Sarah really did have a crazy year. We've had a lot of issues this year. My kid's dad actually passed away this year. I'm so sorry. It's difficult. I mean, me and him weren't together, but it's hard for them. So it's kind of hard to watch them go through it. It really, really sucks.

Yeah, I bet. Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry to hear that. The other Sarah is raising three kids. Her youngest is only a baby. And for the past year or so, she's been doing it on her own. I'm engaged, but he got in some trouble a while back, so he's finishing his time in jail.

So he gets out in June. So will you guys get married when he gets out? Yes, we do plan on getting married. This is so romantic. I'm sorry. I think it's very sweet. Yes. And you, what do you do?

How are you? Do you have any kids? I don't have any kids, no. My husband and I are separated, which is a fairly new thing. Sarah tells the other Sarah about her own crazy year. Her divorce, her recent move, her new job. The conversation feels like the kind between old friends. Easy and familiar.

I'm wondering, do you guys recognize each other? I recognize her. I don't. You don't? I feel so bad, Sarah. No. Like, when I got your letter, it was like, I don't remember much of this at all. Sarah tells the other Sarah about her life back then.

Her parents fighting, her homelessness. The other Sarah says she had no idea what Sarah was going through. Oh. And so, like, when you sent me that letter, I had this moment of, like, I really want to meet this person so that I can, like, remember this part of my childhood that I totally don't remember at all.

And so the other Sarah tries to evoke that childhood. You can feel the other Sarah trying to drag Sarah from the fog of lost memory. She describes who Sarah was. Artsy, creative, a band kid. She was quiet, but when me and her got together, we had a blast. Like, it was just us cutting up,

having fun, goofy girls. The other Sarah tells Sarah stories, like the famous rollerblading kitchen incident. I got in so much trouble that day. Oh my gosh. She tells her about the sleepovers they had. You had stuffed animals and stuff

all around your room. She reminds Sarah of the little loft space inside a guest house on her dad Richard's property where they'd spend the night together. To get away from everybody, she says. Like it was just the two of them in the whole world. As the other Sarah talks, it becomes clear that while Sarah has been stuck for the last 20 years

with all the sad memories she doesn't want, the other Sarah has been holding on to all the happy ones Sarah doesn't have. For instance, in Sarah's recollection of those late nights at the bar, it was just the hum of David Letterman keeping her company. But the other Sarah reminds her that she'd been there to keep her company too. Like on the night they put on a show for the bar patrons. Me and you actually went behind the counter and we were making little puppets out of paper bags and we were putting on a puppet show for everybody in there. It was pretty cool.

That's amazing. It makes me so happy. I'm sorry. I just keep like bursting into tears. As the stories pile up, stories that span locations and rites of passage, Sarah has a realization.

We were friends for years, like a long time. Yeah, we were friends for like four or five years. The other Sarah says they met when they were eight years old. She isn't sure how they met, but she thinks it was because her grandmother had owned a lonesome dove before Sarah's dad and stepmom did, back when it was called the Red Dog. From then on, the two Sarahs

were inseparable. So inseparable, in fact, that their families had to devise a way to differentiate between them. So they broke the name Sarah into two parts and gave each girl a half. Sa and Ra. They used to call

Sarah Ra. Yeah, my family calls me that. Yeah, so that's why they would call me Sarah and her Ra. They used to call Sarah Ra. Yeah, my family calls me that. Yeah, so that's why they would call me Sarah and her Ra. To distinguish you between... Between the two, yeah. When it was me and her together, yep. Wow.

Wow. And so, given their closeness in the span of years, the other Sarah has always wondered one thing. Why did Sarah stop being her friend? It sucked whenever you, like, I don't, it's hard to explain. I don't know what happened. I don't know if y'all moved or something happened.

And I know you can't remember, and I'm not expecting you to or anything. But it seemed like you almost dropped, like like seriously dropped off the face of the earth. Although, of course, Sarah doesn't remember why the friendship ended. Here's a theory. In her early teens, Sarah learned about a Louisiana boarding school for the gifted and talented. It was two and a half hours from Abbeville, and Sarah saw it as a chance to get away from the turmoil of home. Getting into the school felt like a long shot, but she studied hard, and she did get in.

It was at that school that Sarah met a computer science teacher who encouraged her to pursue coding. Sarah says that if not for that boarding school, she might never have tried to get into college. And college changed her life. school, she might never have tried to get into college, and college changed her life. She studied digital media, which put her on the path to video gaming, and eventually to her new life in LA. So taken together, the boarding school, college, it all meant, if not falling off the face of the earth, at least falling off the face of Abbeville, which left the other Sarah with nothing but a memory of the last night they spent together at the other Sarah's house.

She ended up getting sick that night, and instead of waking my parents up to call her mom or anything, I helped take care of her all night until morning, and then I went and woke my parents up and was like, hey, Sarah's been getting sick all night. My mom was like, I can't believe you stayed up all night taking care of her. You should have woke us up.

I was like, no, no, she's my friend. I want to take care of her. I don't remember that, but I got sick a lot as a kid doing exactly that. I would throw up all night long. And my parents used to be so mad at me about it. Thank you for taking care of me. Well, of course. I mean, you were my best friend.

You were like, it was me and you. Sarah had been scared of reconnecting with the other Sarah because of what she might learn. But what she's learning is that she wasn't alone. I'm so sorry to know that that you went through so much and I wish I wish I wish we weren't so young and I wish I would have known so I could have helped or you know done something even though we were kids. It sounds like you did.

Listening to the conversation, hearing Sarah flooded with emotion, it's clear what she's getting from the reunion. But I can't help wondering what the other Sarah's getting. She wrote her letter hoping to reconnect with an old friend. But since sending it, she's learned the time they spent together, the bond they shared, that she herself have all been erased.

So what, if anything, did Sarah's letter do for the other Sarah, especially seeing as how it reached her a year late? Actually, it came at the perfect timing because it came actually a week after I got out of rehab and it was my, my light at the end of the tunnel. And when I came home and I got the letter from Sarah, it just, it showed me that good things can happen. I actually cried when I got her letter because I was just so excited. You don't know. I'm so glad that you wrote me back i'm so excited for you that you went to rehab congratulations i actually make i make one year sober on february 11th and i am super excited i am so grateful everything in my life has changed and your letter was the start of many many good things. Like for Christmas,

my son wrote me a little Christmas card and it said, thank you mom for the greatest year of my life. And that meant more to me than any Christmas present or anything else that I could ever give them. I don't want to get off the phone, but I know I have to go run and get some stuff taken care of. But I mean, I'm all for doing this again, most definitely. Yeah, same here. And no matter what, as long as we can build our friendship from here,

even if you don't remember the past, that would even be amazing. I mean, I don't want to lose my best friend again. Same here. I'll text you so we can hang out again. Most definitely. Bye. The other Sarah's screen goes black. I think what I thought would happen in this call was like something would like click in my brain and I'd suddenly remember like everything, but I don't. A key that suddenly unlocks the past, that's how it works in the movies, but it isn't how the brain works in real life. You don't talk to someone from your past and suddenly recover memories. You can't recover what you never clocked in the first place.

There are studies that show that when people are confronted with an immediate threat to their safety, their focus on the danger impairs their ability to recall other peripheral details. My therapist, I was just asking her about like the nature of memory and like, why wouldn't I remember something good? And she was like, you know, memory is like a camera. So it only captures like what you're, what you're focused on at a time. And she was like, memory is like a camera, so it only captures what you're focused on at a time. And she was like, if you were just focused on let me survive and cope in this scenario,

your camera probably just wasn't pointed at Sarah. The two Sarahs met when they were around eight, the age when Sarah's folks split up, and Sarah's life grew increasingly hard. Sarah's camera was focused on the immediate threats. The other Sarah remained out of frame. What is the value of happy memories if you don't

remember them? After the conversation with the other Sarah, this is the question that Sarah is left to grapple with. You know, hearing I had a friend that was like willing to take care of me all night long while I like puked my guts out. That's like amazing. You know, hearing I had a friend that was willing to take care of me all night long while I puked my guts out, that's amazing. That's real friendship. I don't know if I have adult friends in my life now who would do that. To which, just before Sarah set out for L.A., Chris told her he wasn't going to make the trip with her as planned, which Sarah says totally made sense given the breakup, but it left her alone. None of her family or friends offered to step up. But if that had happened to someone in my family or someone that I really cared about, I probably would have been the first person to step up and say, you don't need to do this alone. And I would really like that in any of my relationships, whether that's like with my family or with someone I'm intimate with or friendship.

I don't know. I feel like for a lot of my life, I have wanted the people who are important to me to show me the investment and the love that is part of that relationship. And I've spent a lot of my life not getting that from like my parents or my stepmom

right and it's like maybe I did have that person maybe Sarah was that person Sarah says she's learning to love her new life in L.A., but still misses Louisiana. She's planning to visit soon, and when she does, she says she wants to see Sarah. She's hoping this time they can meet in person,

not to uncover lost happy memories, but to make new ones. guitar solo Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damage deposit Take this moment to decide If we meant it, if we tried Or felt around for far too much, from things that accidentally touched.

This episode of Heavyweight was produced by supervising producer Stevie Lane, along with Mohini McGowker, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. Our senior producer is Kalila Holt. Production help from Damiano Marchetti. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Alex Bloomberg, Mimi O'Donnell, Sonia Dosani, Rosie Guerin, and Jackie Cohen. Thank you also to Professor George Bonanno,

author of the book, The End of Trauma. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, and Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com slash heavyweight. We'll be back with a new episode next week.