Heavyweight - The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 5

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

Heavyweight Season 4 begins September 26th. Until then, we bring you The Heavy Wait Diaries. Each Thursday, a new chapter will be presented to ease the burden of your wait. In Chapter 5, the Heavyweight union rep threatens Jonathan’s dominion. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries In the office on Monday, Timothy Nelson is seated manspreadedly at a desk between producers Kalila Holt and Stevie Lane. Hey, man, Timothy Nelson says. Why is Timothy Nelson in our office, I ask? I'm here to negotiate the number of heavies weight you demand of your staff, says Timothy Nelson.

We've unionized, says producer Kalila Holt, tentatively raising her fist. Timothy Nelson is our union representative. You have authorized this man to speak on your behalf, I ask. Why, I've never seen this man before in my life. We all know it's a bold-faced lie. I'd actually been stuck with Timothy Nelson in the office elevator that very morning as I overheard him bore one of the studio engineers with a meandering story about how he and his girlfriend had ordered delivery from the Subway sandwich just below his apartment. It was a sad, punishingly boring tale

that after what felt like 15 or 20 interminable minutes, climaxed in some sort of gift-of-the-magic nonsense in which her sandwich, ordered sans olives, was presented with olives, and his order, ordered with olives, was received without a single one. By the time I finally exited the elevator, I felt as though my brain had been soaked in whiteout. Now, we both know that ten heavyweight pitches is ridiculous, says Timothy Nelson.

No longer some elevator buffoon, but a genuine threat to my dominion. Everyone knows, Timothy Nelson continues, the amount of care and craft that goes into a heavyweight. It makes every other Gimlet show sound like two leprechauns shouting in a barrel, so I'm going to assume that such a proposal is just more of your inscrutable deadpan comedy. Now, what can you reasonably propose? Who, pray tell, voted for this nightmare, I ask, my voice trembling? Gimlet Media editor Jorge Just, Stevie says. He was in the moment Timothy Nelson promised unexpired yogurt

and Miller High Life in the Gimlet Media break room. Oh, how will I ever find hopeful stories of sadness and regret under these working circumstances, I shriek. The shriek has barely escaped my lips when CEO and Gimlet Media founder Alex Bloomberg cranes his $600 haircut through the office door. Knock, knock, he calls out in a sing-song voice. Are we all set for our listening party? Can't wait to hear the first episode of the new season of Heavyweight. Union Bylaw 301, Addenda 2 dictates that all listening parties must be supplied with olives, both black and green, says Timothy Nelson. I happen to have a few jars of Kalamatas in my file cabinet,

exclaims Bloomberg. I'll be right back. In mere seconds, Bloomberg would return, dressed in his listening smock, ready for a preview party at which, save for the sound of Timothy Nelson gobbling fistfuls of olives and the rumblings of my own intemperate bowels, there would be absolutely nothing to listen to. absolutely nothing to listen to. This has been Chapter 5 of The Heavyweight Diaries. The next season of Heavyweight will begin in four weeks, on September 26th. The best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify.

The second best place to listen to Heavyweight is over the stadium sound system during the Super Bowl halftime show, sitting quietly in rapt attention with 75,000 teary-eyed friends. Thank you.