Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 76 - Night Ticklers (w/ Ross Bryant and Joey Bland)

Episode Date: October 20, 2025

The acting troupe the Cockticklers are back but tough times in Foon have reduced them to doing... sponsored content!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungWinky Silks: Joey BlandMichael Gunch: Ross BryantMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. If you'll excuse me, I'm just finishing today's session of writing in my gratitude journal. Let's see, where was I? Oh, yes. Why do I have this? What am I supposed to do with it? Whoever gave this to me, I don't appreciate them or anything. Love framing device.

All that's left is to drizzle it with honey, leave it for the bears. As for you, sit back and enjoy the show. podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 10 and a half years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the ruffled feather in McShingle-Shane Forest on the outskirts of hogs face in the magical land of foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my buddy,

Chut the Talking Badger. A little bit like this, some pepper, a little bit of salt. What are you working on over here, bud? And I think I got it. Arnie, give a sip. Take a big, take a big swig of this. Okay, all right. Oh, that's a lot of pepper.

Okay, that's a lot of pepper. Arnie, I've been trying, you know how we're trying to bring earth people to food? Yes. Uh-huh. I want them to feel comfortable. at home, et cetera. So I'm trying to sort of recreate a lot of earth things here in Foon. Now, of course, here in Foon, we do not have, I want to say, boot rear.

Boot rear? Oh, root beer. Root beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Root beer. Yes. That's right. We don't have that here.

So I'm trying to, I remember I tried it in the 80s when I was on Earth with you. Crazy to say that. I feel so long ago. But I'm trying to sort of recreate that taste. It's very natural. It's very much an earth thing. At some point in your life, you're going to be in your home and you're going to think, I bet I could make root beer out of the things in this kitchen. And you just got to try. You got to try. The other thing I'm working on is Kurp Cameron. Kerk Cameron? Yeah, that guy, you had a poster of him on your wall. Kerk Cameron? Yeah, I used to be more into Karp Cameron, but now when I was very young, but not so much anymore. I think I think you don't want to like make another Kirk Cameron or Kerk. Curp, Cameron. Okay.

Well, why don't you tell me what are, like, the top three things that Earth people are going to be craving once they hit food? Well, as soon as they get here, the first thing they're going to ask is, is their Wi-Fi. Oh, I'm sorry. Usador? Yeah, you have your hand raised?

Yes, well, I was just thinking, if Chunt has already made a peppery drink instead of making root beer, why not change streams and make Dr. Pepper? I've been working all week on making squirt. okay okay guys look as of last week our new plan is to try to find the dimensional portal so that we can slowly move some earth people into foon so we have a larger coalition to fight the wizards and i guess my part of that plan is to find the dimensional portal figure out how to open it to figure out to get people in and i guess you guys are in charge of refreshments when they get here oh okay okay sounds like a lot of work for you but It does seem like a... Well, here's my update.

I've been walking around Hog's Face, getting in my steps for my walk to Mordor that I use my phone to track. And still over a year away from getting there. But I think I have found the portal. It's very small and tiny. Weren't you a year away a year ago? Oh, from Mordor?

Yes. Well, it hasn't been a year. I mean, look, I'm always just kind of hovering at about a little more than a year away from getting there. But much more importantly, I thought you gasped the news that I found the portal because maybe the most important thing

that's ever happened on the show in it's seven and a half years, I found the portal. How do you, a human, know it's the right portal? That's a good question. I mean, it's small, and I can't really see through it,

and I can't get anything through it. But when I sniff it, it's hard to say, like, it smells like Chicago. Does that make sense? Okay. Where is it? Ernie, this isn't one of those things where you're like, it was in my heart the whole time or something like that.

It's an actual portal, right? We cannot end this show like that. If we end this show on some bullshit like it was in you all along, I'll be so angry. I mean, first of all, if I had a portal in my heart, that would kill me, right? Especially if it was to another dimension. Like just people ripping through my chest to come into this world? If you shot a portal right above your heart

someone right below your heart. He would just keep falling through and then reappearing at the top. Just enough time to squeeze blood through. Have you never listened to the Foonish song by Jam Patterson, Portal in My Heart? No. Do you want to sing any of it?

Oh, you sort of just gave a lot of the lyrics just now. Oh, I see. Right. Wait, a lot of the lyrics are just explaining a portal. None of them rhyme. What do you think songs are? Oh, I don't know. It's weird for me to be here 10 and a half years

and not know what songs are in Foon. Arnie, where was the portal? So it was over, you know, the old familiar Minotaur, the tavern we originally were in, isn't there anymore. But if you go right behind where the tavern was, the portal's really there. Frankly, it was kind of easy to find, and in retrospect, I probably should have looked for it more back then. Wow. Like, I cannot emphasize enough how easy it was to find. But you can't get through it.

But I can't get through it. So finding it would have done nothing. I want to emphasize what an accomplice. it was that I found it, but also, I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to open it. I don't know how to get anything through it. Whoa, our, whoa, Usador, our, oh, our buddy did so good. Whoa, he found the portal. Oh, my gosh. Wow. What a big boy.

Salutations and congratulations what an excellent feat this is. Oh, thanks, guys. Let me make some confetti, confetti. Just throwing it on my face. Some root beer Well, well, well, it appears as though a celebration is in progress. These look like some characters who enjoy live entertainments. Oh, yes indeed.

Greetings, friends. Do you care for some comedy, some drama, some suspense, or some cream? I want all of those things. Oh, good. We've got it all. We've got it all, friends. Comedy, suspense. tragedy, history, and cream.

Cream. Ooh. This day turned around. And we have Squirt if you need it. Rupier and Squirt. Squirt. Now, what's in Squirt? Svirt. I think opinions differ on what squirt actually is. Squirt. As I understand it, it's a delicious grapefruit-flavored, carbonated beverage.

Wait, I recognize that face. Not that guy in blue. Get out of the way. I recognize that other face. Ah, me? Yes. Well, bless me. my soul. If it isn't Arnie,

Arnie. Oh my goodness. It's two of the most famous actors in all of food, Michael Gunch and Winky Silks of the Cockticklers. Oh, the Cockticklers. At your service. No longer tickling as many cocks. They pushed me in, right?

They pushed me directly into a bag. Quiet, you? Quiet, bad man. Gunch and silks. Except some gunch. I didn't even recognize you with those little mustaches. Oh, yes. Yes, these are, these are branded mustaches for

for mustachios famous creams. Yes. Mustachios famous creams, the makers of the world's only delicious energy cream. The only cream that gives a wonderful jolt of vivifying energy. You could top any beverage with

raspberry cream or dungberry cream. Oh, I think can you mix the two together? What? What the hell are you talking about? Come back in the bag. So it's been a few years, I think, since we've last seen you. And last time we saw you were actors, so

am I... Are you salesmen now? Is that what's going on? No, no, no, no. We still tread the boards from time to time. The boards we tread are rarely elevated, as you'd say. The world is our stage now.

We perform where we can. Since the events of late, the wizard quorum that makes up the power, here in Foon these days have sort of changed the dynamics of

of entertainment in Foon. No, of course. The Wizards got into power and they're waging war on entertainment? Yes. There, in their wizardly citadel, they mix up a special brew of which they call AI Slop. Oh.

Yes, there was a time when Winky Silk's alone where I myself could populate a stage with distinguished characters of varied status and voice. And now, with these wizards, they can put 10,000 Winky Silks upon the stage. Each one that could slowly change, dislocate their jaw, morph into an alien, a wolf, turn into a banana. They can do anything. Yes, they look just like Winky, just don't look at the hands, a few too many fingers.

Oh, terrible. It's hard to work on the stage When there are so many Earth hats, actors taking our jobs But, but each setback is an opportunity And so we're striking out And still tread the boards from time to time Though there are fewer cocks to tickle

We do, of course, now As you can tell, with our promotion of cream We are into what we refer to as spawn car All of the car that we do is currently spawned Oh, I see. So the cream is spawned from, I don't, a chicken or something? How do you spawn it? Well, obviously, the cream is spawned from a chicken.

Yes, moustachio's energy cream is the only mammalian chicken cream on the market. Most chickens lay eggs, but special moustachio chickens give live birth and have little teats, which are live birth to placental cream. Now I'm hungry. The cream is gathered, delicious flavors are added in up to six rocking flavors and infused with wonderful energy supplements. So it's not just dungberry and raspberry. Oh, no, dungberry, raspberry, chocolate ice, glacier mist. Rippedide blue.

Riptide blue and bubbly. These sound like the most amazing flavors I've ever heard of because they don't sound like flavors at all. Yes. Well, you'd better believe that we still, still take the stage, tread the boards, do our flights of fancy,

elicit our peals of laughter, make our tragic sojourns upon the stage, but always, of course, making sure to work in how delicious, nutritious, and vivifying moustachios-flavored energy cream is. I guess I'm just having a hard time picturing it, would you mind giving us a demonstration of how you would

subtly work this into a play? Well, no, certainly. Which play from our repertoire would you like to see a little snatch from? Ooh, I think maybe the Prince and the Fox. Arnie, what do you think? Here's a little, it seems like a little... We know all the Foonian classics. I was going to say Little Snatch, but yeah.

We got to see a little snatch then. No, no, no. Let's see The Prince in the Fox. Selective audience, no doubt. The Prince and the Fox, it is. The Prince and the Fox, it is. Excellent. Everyone shut up and be quiet. And sit down. It's starting. It's starting. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to open. I have a candy to open.

I'll try to do it as quietly as... To a forest. An overcast day. I come. A solitary cloud here to put shade upon the glen and show you beneath. A young boy. Not a prince. Not a high status. Individual. Oh, just a regular boy. Bernie, that's Winky Selks. Oh, another day where I must beweep my lowly station in this life.

A forest-dwelling boy, a foundling to a woodland woodcutter, never knowing my true parentage. Oh, if only I could grow to my majority and take hold of the destiny that I feel is mine. But alas, it is my plight. To remain lowly. I wonder what this birthmark means that looks like a crown. I guess I'll never know. Cor, blimey! You've trod upon me's hail!

Ah, does no man ever look down where he treads? There are beasts below your feet, fool. Oh, alas! My apologies, humble fox for treading on your bushy, crimson tail. I was too wrapped up in my own cloak of sorrows to see you. on the forest floor. That little boy is so dull. I wish that those men who were so sad

would, with their downcast eyes, look upon the forest floor and not tread on us on we who are so small and vulnerable. I am downtrodden myself. You literally downtrodden a moment ago, by me.

I was trotting down. If only there was a way I could improve my station, to lift my spirits, to raise myself into a higher echelon of society. To climb the social ladder. No doubt takes some time. But if it's spirits you wish to lift, can I interest you

in a glacier cream? It's one of several flavors available in the forest. Oh, this one's made from real dungberries. Oh, delicious and toothsome, surely. But, oh, they're radical, radical. They're incredible, credible. They're so rapidical. Join in the chorus. Radical. Radical. Radical. radical creams. Arnie, what are you going to get to the ad? Surfing the riptides of delicious dung berries jumping over half pipes too.

Grab the riptide cream and take it to the dome. You know what to do. You thought you were strong. You thought you were smart. You got to take a riptide blast through the heart. You know the heart just has a portal on top and a portal on the bottom and if something

fell through it, keep going up and down for all eternity. Up and down in the portal of a heart. The heart is a climbed bottle of portals That just goes round and round and round But you can have the energy to live your dream With mustachio energy cream John, why is he holding a sign that says lyric

Five of Ten? You don't see a lot of flying Vee lutes these days That was awesome, wow I must stop my song immediate here What is that upon your arm? Some mark You're no ordinary woodcutter boy Well, no, no tender fox.

The lifted spirit provided by your toothsome cream has given me the energy to tell my story. Yes, I a foundling was. With this birthmark, the only sign of my paternity. Come, other forest creatures, our king has arrived. What is thy name? Am I supposed to go on to say? No, no, no.

Dave. All hail king. Dave. He's radical. And seen. Now you can see exactly the nature of the type of performance that we get up to these days. Did you notice? Did you notice

the placement of the product? It was pretty elegant. You may have missed it. If you parse the text very closely, you may see where we elegantly nested the spawned con. Only because I'm so familiar with the source material did I notice,

It's fitting quite smoothly. I think taking out the part where the young boy learns a lesson about treating others better and raising up those who are downtrodden and replacing that with vivifying yourself with cream was an excellent choice. Good point, bag, man.

Oh, more bags on me. Yes, even sack men get one thing right today. I like the part where... Broken clock and all that. I really like the part where Michael Gunch rolls out the ice chest and kind of holds up other sort of beverages or liquids and kind of tosses them aside

until he got to the one he wanted, which was the cream. Arnie, what did you like? I liked how they both popped their collars and then they had another pop collar inside that pop collar. Yeah, I think that was my favorite part. Chunt, you make a good point. They did pass up some other interesting-looking things, though. I thought maybe that purple stuff might be pretty good.

Yeah, the orange drink looked pretty good, too. Gentlemen- Madness. Madness. If you could, please take these cream ponds. These are coupons for creams. Oh, thank you. Cream ponds. Take these cream ponds.

That's a play on coupons. If you can take these cream pots, please. As long as when these make it back to the moustachio company, then they'll know that we're doing the good work. That's right. Use our discount code on these cream ponds, and they'll know who told you about moustachio energy cream. Chunt, here's one for extra flow.

And so your special code has to be a shortening of the product name and you so they know it's you. So this just says creamcock? That's right. Yes. This is how we get paid, guys. The more creamcocks that make it back to moustachios, the more gold will be given. Oh, honey, that reminds me. We have to take a break right now.

Creamcock reminds you of that? Let's see if listeners notice. Radical, radical. Now I've got that song stuck in my head. Radical. How did the rest of it go? Incredible. There's a lot of stuff about the hearts.

Yeah. It is a real earworm, right? But do you see how songs kind of pass along information, right? Yeah. Well, here's the weird thing. Like, the song gets in the... Well, it was a tone poem. It was a tone poem, because there were a couple moments where it did rhyme, which takes it out of the category of song.

Yes. There's actually an old folk song spliced into it. It's samples. I don't know if you knew that. Oh, yes. An interpolation. Wait, part of that song was an old folk song? It's a Jam Patterson song, I believe.

Yes. Arne, that's what I was talking about. James Harrison. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, because there's the part about the heart going through portals. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, Kinky. Is everything all right?

Are you all right? Oh, no. Friends, I must confess, it's not my favorite thing in the world to sing songs for moustachios creams. Oh. Sometimes I feel dirty afterwards, just filthy. Would it make you feel better or worse

if I said the song was my favorite part? Well, the song's my favorite part to perform, but still, it doesn't feel like we're... We're not doing real theater, are we, Michael? Yes, it hardly feels that way. Seems as though we're just marionettes. for the forces of commerce. Does that count as art?

I know what will perk you up. Here, try some of these mustachios, famous creams. They're vivifying. We've done too well, Michael. We've done too well, my God. I'm living on those creams. Winky, I don't know if this necessarily assuages your fears, but I will say the whole time I was kind of expecting

one of you to turn into a wolf or an alien or a banana, but that never happened. Or dislocate your jaw. Yes, but, no, I can only paint that picture in your mind and not perform it upon the stage as the wizard's theater folk can. No, instead, I must only be myself and delineate my characters with the subtleties of voice and action. Then you are in joint spirit with us

and must take up arms against the forces of evil, against those very wizards, strike them down, and rid us rid the world of their Aeslop, and return to being kings of the stage. Will you join mine quest to defeat the evil wizards who are in now preparing to rain down war upon all of food? If I strip your words of the uninspiring tone and unimpressive delivery, Thank you.

The words themselves have truth to them. Yes, if I read them flat on the page, divorced from just all the intonation and mustard that this blue man was putting on them. Mustard? Here. It does prickle a little bit of inspiration that by taking up arms against these forces that seek to oppress us, we could take back our rightful place upon the boards once more and no longer have to be shills for flavorful creams.

Look, people are upset about the wizards right now, and they're worried about the future. Maybe you could use your art. Look, we know, art isn't going to really change anything, but maybe you could appeal to an audience that wants to think it could change something. That's true. If we constantly revealed the hypocrisy of the wizards, people would laugh. It wouldn't change anything, but we could make tons of jokes showing how people are hypocrites. We could do this for years.

That people are unreliable over and over again. We could show, show in great detail again and again, the folly of their ways, their blatant hypocrisies, and the people would laugh and laugh, feel seen, and everything would persistently continue not to change. Our jokes could prove that the arc of the universe doesn't arc. It's just a line, it's a straight line. It arcs, it arcs, but it bends all the way back around to where it started. This would give me, to be honest, Michael, though we would be much less remunerated, it would feel more like we were practicing and plying our vocation. I suppose so, although it would be rather threadbare not to have our pockets full of cream any longer. We have done well.

Perhaps there is a way to keep your job plying these creams and shilling them out to people around foon, and then, By night, in subterfuge, you put on plays, disguise it, for you are masters of disguise, and you would then speak truth unto these people while you still steal away their gold. Oh, my God, you could do vigilante plays at night. You know, work for commerce during the day and vigilante plays at night on Earth, we call that one for me, one for them. Hmm, one for me, one for them. A brave arithmetic, Earthling. Yes.

Thank you for interpreting the utter nonsense. I thought he was going on forever. Yeah. Jack, yak, yak. Wrap it up. Thank you, Arnie. For proving that you have a brainstem. Yes, perhaps this is the way.

We can still shill the creams by the light of the sun. But by night, we shall be clandestine cock-ticklers, tickling cocks secretly. In the shadows. The night cocks. Sort of under the table. Yes, yes. Under the table.

Ah, yes. The cocks. The cocks come out at night. Yes, just when you think that the cockticklers have gone to bed. That's precisely when they reach around to see justice. Yes, yes. Ah, the sleeping cocks a night. You wonder, aye, can they change our minds?

And in the mornings they will. In the mornings they will. would. Morning's wood. Well, I'm so glad to hear that you're on board. To get you started, I've gone ahead and written a short play called Usador the Great, and I

think it would be an excellent way to start your foray into vigilante theater. Ah, it's irony in the title itself. Yes. Wait, what? Yes. Irony, one of the best ways of undermining authority and power.

Usador the quote, great. Great. Hang on. No, I don't know. It's great to talk about this play and, you know, you guys debuting it, but like Arnie said earlier, it's probably better to show it, right? Could we see maybe Usador you hop in there and we see some of this play?

Oh, surely. Usador doesn't have to come on stage. Surely we can find another, someone else to play his part. Like, oh, I don't know, that rotten stump over there. Yes, oh, good, good, good, yes. Oh, yeah. It does look like Usador a little bit. Yes, that soft stump covered in mushrooms. Oh. Well, I suppose you're the professionals.

I trust your judgment. Oh, it does look like you, sir. I was squinting, but when I stopped squinting, it looked just like him. Use at all. Will you read the stage directions? Gladly. With some energy, please. Energy, energy.

Now, I have a laser gun. Is there any use for laser sound effects in this play? You have a laser gun? Where were you during our tone poem? Could have used some laser gun. These are blasts when I was kicking it nasty style over that half pipe. Usador the Blue, Act 1, lights up on a clearing in a field. Two young men approach one another from opposite sides of the clearing.

In the distance, they see a figure, a figure clad in blue who they are nervous to approach. Youth! Tender, youth of foon. Do you see what I see? Yonder coming over that hillock? Oh, he looks so awesome. Cor, blimey, fellow adolescent. What the hell is that guy trying to prove?

Let's talk to him for a while. See what he's really, what's going on. No doubt we can undermine him. No doubt he's full of wisdom and amazing powers. The adolescents raised their sticks and approached the blue figure, whose back is to them. Ah, greetings. Turn around and face us.

Ooh, so we can be awed by your presence. The great wizard Yusador turns around. Arnie, spin the stump around. Oh, how am I supposed to spin the stump around? Spin the stump around. Spin the stump around. It's planted in the ground. Never mind.

Oh, by your silence, you prove what deep thoughts must redound inside your massive mind. Still waters run deep, or so the proverb says. Although maybe this is more of a placid little puddle. Seemingly out of nowhere, the two youths managed to set their sticks aflame, creating torches, thereby burning the wizard to the ground. Ah, finally, we found a good use for wizards.

Yes, to keep a man warm a night, end seen. How did you change the play I wrote, You burned me up at the end. You passed it off to us, and we made a few line edits. Ah, yeah. Yeah, yes, the stage is an actor's medium. I'm sorry to say, Eustador. Once you set us free, anything could happen.

Oh, well, I still think it was an excellent play, and if it leads to more people attacking wizards, well, with all the best for it. Yes, to strike a blow at the powers that be. This is what we shall do when we cocktickle by night. My God, it's radical. Radical. It's awesome.

It's tubular. God, it's the most bodacious plan we've ever had. The only thing gnarlier than this plan is the delicious and vivifying flavor of Mastasio's famous energy cream. Please, spread these cream ponds everywhere. Give them to your friends. Oh, thank you. Yes, we will.

I don't know how the post-mortive of my play turned into an ad, but it seems that it did. I have dozens of them. I'll just pull them right here off my kids. cream pads. Oh, we're virtually made of cream ponds. I feel like most of these sponsorship deals require that they do at least two cream breaks, right? Oh, yes, minimum.

And it's good to put it into your own voice as well. You know, uh, Winky, I often get tired, um, around two o'clock after my, uh, luncheon and my second breakfast. People are busy these days, Michael. It's, it makes sense just after luncheon to start to drag a bit. That's why it's so great that our friends and Mastasio's famous energy creams have given us and our listeners a special deal for one cream pawn for wonderful flavored creams. Oh.

They light a fire in the belly and open up a two-appatured portal in the heart. I just tried one right now. I've got all the energy in the world. I could do anything. I'll never die. Yes, that's the spirit. Mastasius' energy creams cannot actually make the claim that their creams will prevent death. In fact, consumption of too much energy cream, creating a Klein bottle effect in the heart will lead to premature death. No doubt. Do not exceed more than three creams per day. Does anyone else notice that Michael Gunch's eyes just roll under the back of his head

when he starts talking like that at the end? He's talking so quickly. Yes, the, uh, the mustachio energy cream marketing team put a, uh, side effect curse on me. Oh, no. Once a day I have to speedily go through a side effect litany. Art, Arnie, only three creams a day. Arnie, do you think you could switch from Red Pushing to Cream? I don't know. I'm not a cream guy, really. I guess I'm willing to try it, but only if they sponsor us.

You know, I'll sample it just so I can feel like I can talk about it in our own sponsorship. Yeah, that's fair. Would you guys be willing to give us some product in exchange for us also sponsoring mustache cream? I don't know if this violates any terms of our agreement with my... Mustachios, Michael. But you know what? Who cares about mustachios? We're rebels now. We're taking on the wizards. We may as well take on Big Cream.

Yes. Down with the Wizards. And down with cream. Take all the samples you wish, chunt. Thank you. So if you two start performing, like, vigilante plays at night, will you have to do them under, like, pseudonyms? Like a different fake name than the fake names you currently use? Hmm. Yes, it's true.

Michael Gunch is my stage name, because, of course, was born with the unfortunate birth name of steel hardstone. A laugh, a laughable name for the stage. Oh, what an albatross around my neck, that's been. Diculous. But yes, yes, of course, the clandestine ticklers must have their own pseudonyms. Yes, uh, something, something fitting to the, to the nighttime environs, to the post-dusk hours. What could it be?

Uh, a name fitting of the night. And still gives some, some wink. as it were, to our, our former fame. Oh. It's like, nighty gunch? No, I noticed that it's gunger. Yes. I will be mooncock.

Okay. Oh. Okay. All right. Just, yes. First idea, best idea. Yes, yes. You got to get one out quick.

I'm just, you know, brainstorming here. How about it out? Geichel Munch. Geico Much. I don't hate it. Truly baffling. Geico Much. I know one would ever track it back to you. Yes. Yes. It's perfect.

We'll start making our posters now. Tonight, and only tonight, come to the clearing in the wood. There, by taper light, by torch. I, uh, maybe may have round some fire of some sort. See the irreverent and unlicestone's plays of Geichel Munch and Mooncock. Oh, oh yeah, and maybe like there's a snappy sort of like, um, uh, titlehead that's like, uh, king of cockticklers. Yeah, well, that, that's made, mm, mm, so first idea, not always best idea. No, it's a good idea.

They're all, except, exceptions. It is a good idea because it would help draw more crowds to the show. Yes, yes, yes. But, but, but, but Chuntit might give away their new secret identities. Oh, no, right, right, right. Chunt's right. First idea, best idea. It will say the cock ticklers

We're bringing in the crowds And the first thing we'll say is Hey, we're not the cock ticklers Thereby putting all those All concerns to rest And then from there Anything could happen Full irreverence on stage

Yes, yes, we'll call it Yes, we'll call it anything goes Anything goes Yes, with the stylings of cock and munch Munchcocks Tonight by Moonlight Oh, we'll be munching cocks by Moonlight Tonight, boys. Ha-ha!

Yes. Oh, you've done it. Oh, Chunt, I feel like I'm alive again for the first time. I'm in a long time. No longer laboring under the weighty yoke of sponsored content, but to finally act irreverently once more, to be the heavy once again. Speaking of casting free from sponsored content, let's take a quick break and listen to some of our great, wonderful sponsors.

Radical, radical, energizing, energizing, energizing, radical. Consumption of too much special cream may cause your eyes to turn backwards and fall out. More than four creams a day will cause you to spru- Michael, Michael! You're doing it again, Michael! Sorry, sorry, sorry. Too much disclaiming, friend. Yes, sir. Oh, I haven't felt his alive since two days ago and I accidentally ate four. creams. Yes.

Oh, that was something else. Your eyes were all pupil. And now, now I feel brave again. Bravery is a feeling when you do things that are courageous and you do things even though you are scared and they're the right thing to do. Then you do them

and you act in a way that isn't not brave. See, Arnie, a song. That was a great song. First step on a journey. First step is the scariest one. stepping out on the road and you find your way there's always a way to go and sometimes obstacles to find in the path that you go on

but the brave soul takes the path and steps over the obstacle even though the anxiety is still inside you know like the song says now that's a song I gotta pour one out for for Jam Patterson oh Jam Patterson what happened to Jam Patterson Well, there's a terrible tale.

There, of course, was recounted in the wonderful play, The Tale of Jam Patterson. It was written by his wife, who was the last person to see him alive. Oh. Jelly Roll Patterson. You've never seen it, Arnie? I've never seen it, no. You've never seen the life of Jim Patterson?

Well, it lives, it lives extant in our memories. Yes. It's one of the classics of Foonian literature. Could I bother you to mount a quick production for us today here, right now? It would be no bother at all. Yes, it will be no trouble at all. We'll do our best to resist infusing it with our cream. The sun, even now, is dipping.

We're now cocktickling by night. Shed the name of Michael Gunch, take on the Munchman's name. The Munchman. Yes, Geichel Munch, aka the Munchman. Blimey, aren't you, Jam Patterson, the writer? That I am. Scribe of many a lusty, valid, and tragical dirge. I am Jam Patterson.

Even today, my children were singing your songs. Ah, the whole virtue cycle you did right. Ah, they tell me I'm dishonest. I'm unbrave, they called me. My own boy said he was ashamed of me And then sang your song about integrity Why are they still kicking the stump during this? Really giving it to that stump

You cannot blame my lyrics for this I merely gave your children a voice For a feeling that you had already instilled That is the songwriter's art To articulate in unrhymed and sort of melodic words a feeling heretofore unspoken by anyone

this is what I have done for your children I'm sorry that it hurts you hurts you as much as me kicking this utterly useless stump oh this is the last song you'll have ever written though Jam Patterson says me

me too me as well all of us parents here all 160 of us we're the 160 angry parents wow he's playing so many parts Yeah, this is, it's almost like the AI Slop. Oh, so this is how it ends for Jam Patterson,

destroyed by a parental advisory. Each one of us will take a hold of some part of your body, and then we're going to pull you apart, Jam Patterson. You'll be the proverbial jam of your name. Oh, but my songs shall live on, my songs shall live on in the hearts of all. My fans shall live to tell my story, especially my wife, jelly roll

Patterson. I'm torn to pieces. Nothing can save me now. Not even the delicious and energizing burst of a rip-tide blue energy foam cream. Oh, it's time for a break. You deserve a break.

Have a couple creams tonight. Time for a break. You deserve a break. Go out and start a break. The taste is going to jam your mind And work you to the street Everybody's jamming now Jamming to the sweet taste of mustachio cream

Oh wow That is pretty great Did you see that? They took out I don't think they had mentioned it earlier They took out extreme cream Is that a new one that they were saving for this play? Oh I couldn't tell ourselves I'm afraid Just slipped out

That was incredible Incredible. And the moustachio company is releasing extreme electric creams. Whoa. Electric creams? Do they electrify you? Like, do they shoot electricity into your body? They hurt. They hurt. They'll wake you up fast. Are they concerned about losing market share to all those free range creams out there? Nobody steps on moustachios. Well, I'm just saying if they're coming out with electric creams, it seems a little desperate when they've already got a great. array of flavors and the regular creams,

you start to think, you know, maybe they're worried that Beard O Beardsley's creaming crop is the free range cream that doesn't harm any chickens. What the hell is this stump talking about?

Yeah, you said, you're reading all this off of a scroll. What's going on? Nothing. I didn't get a sponsorship during the breaks. I wouldn't do that to our good friends.

Don't worry. All of the creams produced by mustachios, sweet, and energizing creams are produced by totally consensual relationships with mammalian chickens. Free range or not, the creams are given willingly. And wouldn't you know it? Most free range cream companies have lately been purchased

in a massive acquisition by Mustachio Cream. Oh, nice. So you try to get away from mustachioed cream and you can't. Even your favorite little bespoke cream company is probably really only. by moustachio cream now. Your little micro brew cream company, probably if you follow the chain of

corporate structure, goes all the way back up to moustachios. They're all made in the moustachio factories. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I prefer a micro cream. You'll say it again? I'll say it again. That's my sacred promise. Micro cream's always been a little hoppy for me.

I like a really drinkable cream. Yeah, those chickens really hop around. Yeah, very happy. The chickens hopped too much. Michael, Winky, I don't know how to broach this with you. I'm very excited about your radical new dangerous nighttime plays to try to take down the wizards or at least build a new audience of people who think you can take down the wizards. I can see why it's hard to broach that with us. I possibly fit all that text in a brooch.

Boil it down to a sentence or two. It barely fit my mouth. I feel like you have a weird problem, though, which is your sponsored content is Too good. Like, every time you start to drift into the sponsored content, I start enjoying myself way more than the other stuff. Oh, this is the, this is the tickler's curse. Also, to piggyback on that, Arnie, I will say, as much as I love this, and as much as I love

the idea of, um, you guys at night, it feels like Mooncock and the Munch Man might be more of a morning crew. Oh, yeah. Mooncock and the Munchman, a morning zoo crew. Yeah, yeah, with all the chickens. It just feels like maybe something to wake up to. Yes, we could meet people on their way to work up on the road. Yes, bring to life the jamming songs of Jam Patterson during the commuting hours.

And also do pranks and stuff. Yeah, we could prank call people. We could call out to them and then turn around. Like, we never called you. I know when people are riding their horses to, the work in the morning, they're always so bored and so angry, so I just, I just feel like mooncock and the munch band. Sorry, some of that,

well, sorry, I don't know, I got caught in my throat here. Cream cock and go down the wrong pipe? How many, how many creams have you eaten? You haven't known if you haven't had it with three creams, have you? Keep in mind, when I ate four creams, I lost 25 pounds. From both ends. So we're just giving up on the whole fighting evil thing,

it sounds like, and you're just going to become a morning zoo crew. You know what? I'm just going to put myself in the sack this time. I'm just getting in this sack. I'm just going to get in a sack. This is the danger of being an artist. We have an ethic that we want to follow, that we have a message we want to say.

But we're actors. We're interpreters. We've rarely been creators of the art that we put forth on the stage. No, no, it's not, Winky, it's not you guys. I think I see the problem here. Arnie, I think you and I gave too many studio notes. Oh, yeah. We kept trying to put our fingerprint on things

when what they did. in the beginning was best. That's true. I just like having ideas. It's so fun to have ideas and to make people listen to them. Same, but also I need to justify my paycheck. So I'll say things like, perfect. I wouldn't change this thing,

except maybe set it in a diner. Yeah. Although, Chant, is it possible now you're giving us too many notes? Like, maybe we're giving the right amount of notes and now you're noting our notes to death? Yeah, no, you're right. Gentlemen, listen to yourselves. Remember, if anything we've learned today,

his first idea, best idea. One for you and one for me. I just had a crazy first idea. Yes. Look, I'm skeptical that Art can do anything. But what if just once, as the biggest publicity stunt possible, you just tried to do the biggest, most dangerous, most wizard-destroying production you possibly could. Will you succeed? No.

Will you die doing it? Probably. but just the glory of trying. We agreed to it before we heard it out. I did anyway. Yes, so did I. I rashly promised I would do it. So you're saying the biggest, most spectacular, wizard-destroying production

that could possibly be conceived by the cocktickless. Not a daylight bit of sponsored content, not a nighttime, bit of satire. Not a crepuscular drive-time. Yes, not a diurnal play or a crepuscular drive-time show, but just an out-in-the-open piece of wizard-destroying theater. Yeah. I mean, what's the most raw, real stuff you've ever done?

Like, have you ever, as actors, ever done anything truly dangerous? I thought I'd heard notes before, but none has cut me to the quick like this. You're reminding us of who we're supposed to be. This is the call. that artists feel when they are first drawn to this path that they will do

something important, something real, something dangerous. And we have strayed from that path, Arnie. You're inspiring us to take up that mantle once again

to live out the oaths we have betrayed. To be dangerous artists once more. To be the cockticklers we dreamed of being are the ones that we are. Damn these creams.

Damn these cursory. creams. Tonight? Nay, today. Beneath the blazing lunchtime sun. I... It is hot today, by the way. You got it. It's scorch. It gives me a headache. I'd have to squint all day. This cream is so room temperature. It's so warm. Then Usador's in his bag. Yasser, get on out of there. What are you doing? Sorry, I couldn't really hear what's going on. Did someone say corpuscular?

I'm going to stand in the middle of town. Beneath the noon time sun. remove all my clothes naked naked naked I will be and I will say that there I'll stand and I will eat

50 creams What? I'll eat this whole bag of creams 50 cream 50 cream 50 cream 50 cream 50 cream 50 cream Yes and then that'll show the wizards But what if it destroys you

Or you destroy everyone around you Or that's what Arnie said Arnie said I was probably going to die And I agree to it It will be dangerous I never should have gotten that sack. Yusador, once you went in that sack, I started saying things, and they believed me. I gave notes that were too good.

Arne gave us notes to pledge our very lives to our art. The greatest risk I can imagine is to stand out and to eat as many creams as possible. I won't survive because I'm not a wizard. I don't have the magic to save myself. I'm a mortal human being, an actor. Michael, are you on board? with this plan of madness? I swore it already.

Before I heard it, I said I'd do it. So, sounds like Winky is already, already partway there. Go on a town. Deep, deep on these creams. So he's going to, he's going to be slurping down 50 creams, taking off his garments, going into the town square, and

letting it rip. And I'm going to be standing nearby. Which is also dating. I'm at. It's dangerous. Yeah, it's not safe. That's two creams down. Oh, God, really choking them down. They are really quite hot under the sun. It's hot, and they're very viscous, yeah, it takes a little while.

Sticking together. And if anyone asks us, who gave us the idea to do this little piece of adjut prop? Perhaps, if I managed to survive whatever happens to Winky, I'll tell them that it was the genius. The trailblazer the real author

of this daring and avant-garde piece of theater Arnie Neckamp the wind beneath our wings Arnie Necamp aka Knight Boner Oh, you're part of the good group now With a cave

That has a stickness to it Nightboner with a killer You're with cock and the munch man now He's a night boner Yes Mm Oh Six creams in

wait hold on winky winky I'm so sorry I know I've steered you in this direction is it possible that I can release you from this promise I don't want you to doing everything you said I ain't to die right now how about this how about this this is a compromise I know this is my second thought and it's not as good as my first thought but what if you spend like an unusually long time planning the biggest most dangerous show you've ever done

that way you can feel like you're being true to yourself in the planning but then you don't have to actually die or do the dangerous thing for a long time. Telling him six creams in might have been a little late for that, but... Yes, no one's ever survived six creams. Oh, shit. The whole time you were talking, I kept eating.

I'm seven and a half creams in now. We eat the only way out is through. Plus an electric. An electric. Extreme cream. Look, let's get him to the town square right now and just see what happens. Everyone, get out of the way.

Get out of the way. We're getting out of here. Out of the way. Get out of the way. Everyone's so interested. Out of the way. Now get the round. Out of the way.

Don't get the round. You guys are so dynamic and charismatic. The people want to get close to this. Blimey, have you forgotten who you are? People of food. Look upon me. I'm no wizard. I'm one of you.

Made of flesh and gases. Ah, I am erupting like a volcano of mortality. Look, look at where I leak. Oh, portal's open. A walking heart I am. I'm radical. Radical. Oh, God.

Oh, that was so extreme. The wizard's did this. Follow Arnie Neacamp. He's our only true hope in defeating the wizards. Yes. Listen to Winky Silk's, a martyr to the cause. a defier of the wizards and someone who truly

should bear the title of cocktickler, of man of totally extreme and radical dude yeah but how did he do it how did he become so powerful by taking to the dome seven and a half moustachio extreme creams the only cream that comes in seven awesome flavors

to dance upon your palate and vivify your speech Oh, here comes the cream team, Arnie. That's a bunch of busty ladies and bikinis. Oh, they're lighting cannons. They have little cream cannons where they're sort of shooting the cream into the crowd. Wait, was Winky Silk self-emulation part of a bit of SpanCon? Yeah, most of the audience seems to be taking away the message about the creams and not so much about the wizards. Did they see it, Michael?

Did they see it? They saw everything, Winky. I saw everything, my friend. I'm hollowed. There's nothing left inside. You're more portal than man now. Arnie, earlier, when Winky was sick, he said all portals open. Do you think, do you think, Arnie?

He said all portals open, do you think? Do I think? Do you think a man who drank seven and a half creams has the power to open all portals? I mean, I know he was, you know, evacuating his bowels, but all portals open. It's every line is chosen, Arne. there's no superfluous intent. There's a reason he said all portals open. Arnie, yeah, the portal was in me the whole time.

Son of him. Oh, never mind. It's one of those. That's how they end it. That's how they end it. His last words before he died, though, that's the worst. That's how we're ending this episode. Good night, sweet prince.

And in retrospect, I feel bad saying that over a dead body, but bad last words. Bad last words. And it seems I couldn't help. I couldn't help spawn conning until the very end. Fair you well, Arnie Neacamp. Chunt. Eh, you.

I'm being taken away by the cream team. Goodbye, Michael Gunch. Bye. Bye. Bye, Munch. Punchman, out. They're taking away Winky Silk's body, too. Wait, did he wink at me? I think that body just winked at me.

With which portal? Could have been gas escaping. Remember he said he's mostly flushing gas? I guess so. Continue to fight the good fight, Arnie. I'll do my best. But it really seems as though the powers of free enterprise have a way of absorbing every attempt

to radically subvert them. It seems like I think he's laughing, but that could just be gas escaping. Seems like the body's crawling towards that horse. That could just be gas escaping. It's hot out here. Let's go back inside. Yeah.

Yeah, let's, yeah, let's, let's crack a couple creams. Oh, let's crack some creams. Let's crack some creams. Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adderl Raffire. was played by Ross Bryant. You can see Ross regularly on Dropout TV. And Ross has a new podcast,

Push the Roll with Ross Bryant, where he runs fully improvised Call of Cthulhu one-shot games. Winky Silks was played by Joey Bland. Check out Joey's new trivia podcast, Like Mines. Arnie, Matt, and Abel have all guested on recent episodes.

Hmm, Joey must have somehow lost all of my contact information. surprising for such a bottomless source of know-it-all vibes. Find Joey's adorable little project wherever you get podcasts. Ross and Joey both perform regularly with the improvised Shakespeare Company. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rofi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Cracking some creams with your boys. After a long day Hanging in the woods

The taste of flowing cream Coming down on the mountain Glacier Mustachio Extreme cream Blowing down your throat It's a way of kicking back With a voice Yeah