Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 77 - Chunt for Blue October (w/ John Patrick Coan)

Episode Date: October 27, 2025

A man with a ghoul for a hand crashes Chunt for Red October, the yearly blood drive for vampires.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGhoul Hand Luke: John Patrick CoanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now, with us deep in your Earth's Hallows Eve season, let me chuck this kernel of wisdom at you. Filling your porch with dozens of jacko lanterns, all carved with a, are you truly living up to your potential? Expression may not be greeted with the wave of appreciation your art deserves. I guess it's back to gap-toothed grins. I suppose we get the jack-o-lantern.

we deserve. Now, sit back and enjoy the show. knee camp if you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know ten and a half years ago i fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in chicago into the magical fantastical land of foon luckily i'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and i use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the ruffled feather in mchingleshaen forest on the outskirts of hogs face and the magical land of foon and i'm so excited it's that time of year again shunt for red october hope hosted by my cousin, my good bud,

Chunt the Talking Badger. Blood bong. Blood bong. You want to do a hit? Isn't this blood, isn't this a charity of blood for like vampires and stuff? I'm not really, I'm not a blood drinker myself. Artie, I got to tell you,

we are doing gangbusters. We have so much blood. I don't know what to do it. I don't know. The word is out, okay, Artie. We are swimming in blood. chunt did you just vaporized blood and inhale it in a bag you better believe it bitch you don't want to hit um i guess i'll try like what does it do or is it just like getting blood into my system getting blood getting some blood oh oh i feel so good ardy did you see who all's here we got life-sized mosquitoes we got regular mosquitoes we got vampires we got um who

campfires um those are vampires on fire wow what else yeah i didn't mean to be rude to your guests that you're trying to raise uh blood charity for but i had the the campfires go outside because there was real danger they were going to set the whole place on fire yeah especially with some of the um ambulatory scarecrows we got some pumpkin people already this is a bash this is kind of amazing yeah it's so much work for you to put together every year. Can I be honest? Yeah. I didn't promote this year. You didn't? No, I don't know what's going on. I'm telling you. Like, people just are so used to it happening that they're making it happen themselves? I don't know. I mean, some of these look like new faces. I haven't

seen them before, but everyone is giving blood, Arne. Everyone is giving so much blood, a scary amount. A few people look like they're dead over there. Like, are people just blood letting themselves out? bloodletting them so. Arnie, I forgot to tell you, here's the best part. We have a lot of undead here. And what the undead give, it's not really blood. It's more like blueish, grayish kind of plasma. So I thought to do something new, since this is going so well, I thought to roll this into a new thing, chunt for Blue October.

Oh. So that Yusudor can, you know how he's always making spells and stuff? Does he do that? I feel like he's always, he's like. Do you have like five eggs or like he'll be like, do you have cinnamon? Like he's always borrowing ingredients. I guess is that making, I guess that it might be spells. Yeah.

He always needs something. So I figured why not, you know, collect, since everyone's showing up anyway, collect what I can. Sure. I mean, he's had a tough year doing something to support our good, but use of our sounds great. Yeah, and I guess he's staring right at us, listening to all this, giving a big thumbs up. Should we bring him in? I guess so. I'm also joined by my other host, one of the.

Reasons for the season. It's chunned for Blue October. Usador the Blue. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesus. Master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical lights. Devourer of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Traucas.

The elves no-me is Fianelik. The dwarves know me is Zonan and Hook Stangis. And I am known throughout the northeast as Gasuania's May star. And it may trouble you to know that when I say... 60 spoons of clove that I am casting a spell Oh Oh so you don't need 60 spoons of clove 60 spoons of clove

It really sounds like he's saying 60 spoons of clove No But no If I needed 6 teaspoons of clove I would say 60 spoons of clove Arnie do you ever notice how sometimes Usudor does spells where it sounds like he's playing his own voice backwards. Yeah.

One time I thought I heard him say, Arnie is dead. What, am I dead? I mean, I have been dead, but I'm alive now. When did you die? Hey, have we all been dead? I think we've all more or less been dead. That's cool. That's fun. Yeah, it's something we share.

What if you're still in the Burger King parking lot in Chicago, and this is just the last 10 years have just been the last three seconds of your brain dying? Oh, my gosh. My brain dying is really. stretching it out. Well, it feels like 10 years, but of course... That reminds me. Code Blue.

Chunt, you're... You've done this wonderful boon for me. I couldn't help but notice, because I was sitting right at the table, staring right at you while you talked about it. But you've been collecting blue plasma for me? Yeah, buddy. I just thought, you know, I don't know what you could use it for, but we have so many undead here. Oh, look, giant bats.

There are so many manners. of dark and evil spells that can be done with blue plasma. But also some really nice ones. Well, let's try and figure out kind of why everyone's here. Excuse me. Hey, buddy. Excuse me? Hey, yeah, friend.

How's it? How's it? How's it? How's it? It good? I'm not doing nothing over here. I was just, I'm just checking. Because some of these people seem to have given too much blood and they seem to be dead.

Oh. Well, some. Some people, some of the things here are undead, I shouldn't say people. Some of the things here are undead, but some are, for sure. Some are seemingly came in living and are now dead. Yes, some of them gone regular dead, and I'm not doing nothing over here, so. You keep mentioning what you're not doing. Enjoying that, fellas.

Oh, wait, hang on, hang on, hang on. Are you closing the cap on a flask next to the punch here? Was that, were you putting some punch in your flask? Yes. I thought, is that not, is that not okay? This is, I thought this was for everyone. Shit, I should have said, what are you doing versus giving him an option? If there's people putting the punching cups, I don't understand what the difference is,

because I'm not taking more than anyone else has taken. Yeah, that's fair. Is that okay? Is that okay? Enjoy a night, fairman. Enjoy your night. Enjoy a night. Enjoy your night.

Okay. Yeah, dragging this body. Pardon me. Pardon me. I couldn't open notice. This one yours? Oh, I'm sorry, fellas. This one yours? No, no, no, no, no. I just, it says that you said you weren't doing anything. And then you seem to conspicuously be dragging a body out of here. Yeah. And also saying that you're like, also like grunting what you're doing while you're doing it.

Yeah. It's an audio medium. Give a break. Fair. I've exerted myself a little bit. I'm not, you know, I'm not, hey, can I be honest with you fellas? Please. Sure. Oh, boy, I'm in a mess. I'm in a big mess of a pickle of a mess over here. Ah, my name is Goulden, Luke, and I am in a little bit of a mess, and I'm hoping you kind strangers will take it upon yourselves to help a troubled soul out of what I can only describe as one big pickle.

Sure. You've covered the right time. Chunt. Take it away. I should say, since you were kind enough to introduce yourself, I'm Chunt. This is Usador and this is Arny.

Shunt, Usador, Arnie? And I'm so sorry to ask you to repeat, did you say your name was Goul Hand Luke? My name's Gould, Hand Luke. Obviously, I'd shake as I'm introducing myself, but I gotta I gotta keep this little fella

in my pocket. Whoa. Yeah. Sorry, no. What the... I think I understand what this gentleman is responding to and that's on me. When you only have the ability to use one hand sometimes zipping up your fly after you go to the bathroom

becomes somewhat of oversat. But I got it now kind of pinch at the knee and pull it up. Yeah. So you have to keep that other hand in your pocket all the time. Yeah. I presume from your name

because you have like psoriasis or something? Friend, you do me a kindness with psoriasis, but no, I am, I am called Goole Hand Luke for a reason and it's because my hand, what was once, were taken from me and replaced with a full-sized, not full-size, but shrunk it down to the size of a hand, but a full-sized ghoul, shrunk it down to the size of a hand. Full-size for a hand. Full size for a hand size,

ghoul size, regular proportions of a ghoul size of a hand. That's the way I could have said it a little bit earlier. I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. Yeah, that can be true, and that does seem to be true, and I do apologize for that,

and you gentlemen, do enjoy the rest of your evening. No, no, no, sorry. Hold on. This fellow yours? You know this fella. This fellow you care about, someone you care about, Someone you knew? Now, Goulhan, Luke, I can't help but notice your...

Honey, look. Holding in one of your hands, sort of while grabbing that person's shirt. It says corpse check. It's sort of a ticket, and it seems like the dead body has the other half of the corpse check in their breast pocket. But it seems like you just scrawled this seconds ago. I sort of saw you do it. Oh, you did see that. Okay, well, you could leave with that.

Yeah, you caught me there, didn't you? So I am caught, yeah Next year I'll definitely have a corpse check But it just seems like you're trying to Steal this body? Yeah, I am trying to take this body And just so you fellas know it is not for me I'm there's nothing that I want with this body

It's for the little guy in the pocket He is a ghoul and he does eat the corpses of the deceased And he does need to feed And this is, you know, this is a way that I have found To kind of fix, you know, killing two birds with one stone without killing the metaphorical. The bird is a metaphor, you see, and this fellow's already dead,

and I didn't have to kill him, and so this seems like a, this seems like a win-win for all parties involved. You fellas have a good net now. I'll get out of here. No, no, hold on, hold up. Chunt, now, it is a blood drive and a plasma drive,

and there is this body here that is devoid of those things that could help ghoul-hand Luke here, so is it also a body drive? I, you know, like, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, are we, is that, is that, is what I'm asking. I didn't really want to get into that field just because it, it attracts, no offense

to your hand, it attracts sort of the wrong crowd, but. No, it's mistaken, it attracts ghouls is what you're saying. Sure, yeah, I know, I know, I know, hey, you're talking to a man, you know, I'm not a ghoul and I, I, I, I appreciate that because ghouls are scary things, the phantasms that suck the deceased you know I wanted to say life force but they ain't got life force I don't really to be honest with you fellas don't really understand what the ghoul does

but I know it makes a horrible sound and I kind of don't like to do it in you know it's sucking basically oh it's a sucking sound I've heard a sucking sound before and it what it's doing is definitely it's getting something out of it so you turn your head when your hand actually let me break a deal you can take that body

I don't recognize this thing or person you can take that body if you let us interview your hand for our podcast Oh boy And a podcast is sort of

Arnie what would you say It's sort of a Hmm Sort of a It's sort of like a It's like a conversation But you've Y'all want to have a conversation

With the ghoul Is that possible? That came I mean, I can't, in good conscience, tell you that that is a smart idea to do. I mean, this is a ghoul. This is a phantasm demon from hell or the abyss or wherever it is from, and it is only put on this earth to suck the, whatever it sucks out of the corpses of the dead. Sure, sure.

Now, I tell you what, the ghoul is also not too particular about that part about the dead. I mean, it can make fresh dead. It can, you know, it's like it is a, it is a, murderer. It is a, you know, and I've gotten in a lick of trouble from the ghoul as well. I've been incarcerated. The ghoul's licked to you? It sucks and licks? Which, you know, if you think about it, the licking don't come too far from the sucking, right? I mean, that's a complimentary action. Now, did your name used to be Luke? Yeah, is that a family name? Yeah, no, my name was Luke. I've been taken to be called ghool hair, Luke. I don't count of people see the ghoul on

my hand and suddenly they associate that part a little more strongly than just Luke now I'd love to be caught Luke but I feel a little bit disingenuous to introduce to myself nowadays as just Luke when it's going to be obvious and apparent a lot of baggage you're carrying

around with you so yeah this is straightforward about that this is sort of a spider feet Larry situation remember spider spider feet Larry? Oh yeah yeah. Arnie do you remember is that the guy that by corridor had to stay a few feet away from all spiders? That's the one

That's him And everyone took notice And they let them have it Luke did you Get caught stealing Or How'd you lose the hand Once when you were five

I mean There are no bad guesses Arnie You want to throw one out Um Honestly I'm not embarrassed by it whatsoever I gotta do you Please please

Did you like Is the ghoul your hand Or is the ghoul on your hand Like is your hand I had no hand. I had a hand replacement and the replacement hand that I got was a ghoul, the scale

and size of what once was my hand. Yeah, I think that was pretty clear that the hand is gone. Okay, yeah, a hand's gone. This isn't like a puppeteering situation. But can you feel the ghoul? Can you feel

the ghoul like you would feel your hand? I can to a certain extent feel the ghoul look I could feel my hand. Now there is subtle differences. My hand was a hand and this is a nether spirit from the hell realms masquerading as flesh and blood.

But there's a vague sensation that is similar. I got into a mess of trouble back in my wilder days and I was, like I said, incarcerated for a brief period of time but it did take too kindly to being incarcerated so I would escape

as was my want and my passion from time to time. Oh, man, I was escaping so much that they got so sick of me escaping that they finally cut my hand off and put a little goo on there. That's terrible. We did some time this year. You don't say. Yeah, no, we were incarcerated for a month.

How long was it, Ronnie? It was probably like four or five episodes. Wow. Was it the topless Tower, I want to say? That's right. Do you ever go to the topless Tower? You ever do any time there? Oh, man, I wish I could say that I had.

It's mostly chain gangs, mostly what I was working on, putting the ghoul on my hand, kind of a disastrous to that effect. Made very hard to do chain gang activities with one hand. Right. Oh, so the goal doesn't help. So, like, if you're... He's not a helpful ghoul. I don't know if I put that out there and everyone was thinking of the same thing,

that this is a helpful goal. This is a hindrance to me. Now, I knew it wasn't helpful, but if you really had your back to the law, like, someone throws a medicine ball at you. And you have to catch it. Does the ghoul like It still doesn't help It's you can't even catch

With two hands Some throws a medicine ball Something big What else big could you throw out somebody No please don't throw anything at me No I'm not going to take over And I will take my hand out of my pocket And this ghoul will raise all measure of hell in here

And no he does not He does not help me Even if there is a medicine I think that the ghoul frankly and I have An antagonistic relationship Oh Odd couple Yeah

If I'm being quite honest I think if push came to shove and the dice were up against the wall the ghoul would kill me and try to eat, suck, lick out my essence, whatever it is inside of me. Yeah, whatever it's sucking. What happens to the ghoul if you die?

Does it die? Or whither or whatever happens to a ghoul? I might be honest with you, I don't think the ghoul cares. I don't think he's thought that far ahead. I think he is a mindless, fearless, hell beast, intent on only one thing and that is devouring whatever it is inside of a course. So you and the ghoul don't talk much.

is what you're saying. No, we do. We do. It just don't. Yeah, it just don't, it ain't productive. It's not productive conversations. See, you've had a conversation where you feel like you're just saying words to each other instead of, you know, really hearing each other and what... All the time. Sure, you understand. Six table of students

of clothes. Does the Gould pay rent? Oh, as in to rent out my body? Yeah. No, he is for all intents and purposes, I would say, uh, kind of free-loaded inside of my body. Yeah. I'm not sure he's been here so long

that there might be some sort of common law rule that says he gets to stay for free I'm not sure if the ghoul and I are common law married at this point Oh, he may have suckers rights He definitely has If indeed suckers' rights were to be for a thing He may indeed have him Luke, excuse us for just one moment

Yeah, I'm gonna get out of your hair I take it up and up a dog You sort step on the body, step on the body There you go Oh, you're ready. Ah, my boy. Okay, well... You got his legs, but...

Yeah, this one I cannot use, because whatever that stuff that came out of the body was, is... I just know kind of some of the similar stuff that the ghoul was interested. Oh, that's the good stuff that they needed? I don't know about good, yeah, but they wanted it. Oh, yeah, he's doing... He's doing a number on my thigh right now.

He definitely wanted that. All right, no, yeah. Step away. I might just help myself to some libations and some refreshments. Oh, yeah, there's hardboiled legs over there. If you, uh, hey, Arne Usador. Yeah. Yeah.

Should we take a break and come back and try and talk to the school? Yeah. I feel like there needed to be a private conversation as that? Yeah, I just, it just feels like their dynamic would be really kind of fun. It just sounds like this is love-hate relationship. John, I haven't thought about this before. Is it rude of us to always cut to commercial in front of the guests instead of excusing ourselves for a private conversation about going to commercial? I mean, we could just keep talking to the,

person and edit in the commercials later. Have we tried that? I mean, sometimes when we forget. How many hard-boiled eggs do you think that guy could eat? Fifty? Hmm. Now, Luke, I've been listening to what you have to say about the ghoul, and I agree. But I think there's a truth hidden between these meanings. I'm reading. I'm reading. I'm reading. I'm reading. I'm between the lines, which has led me to believe that maybe this ghoul, who's so self-destructive, willing to kill its own host body, and thereby potentially dissipate or die or whatever the hell ghouls do, I think perhaps this ghoul doesn't like itself very much. Oh.

And I think if we had an opportunity to speak to this school and tell it that it has value, and that it should love itself. Wow. It might make the ghoul's life easier and thereby your life easier. You know, I can honestly say I never even considered that to be a possibility. But he's biting my leg.

I'm letting him out. Oh, holy shit. That thing is terrifying. What the fuck? I thought you were lying this whole time and you just had like kept your hand in your pocket and you try to make yourself interesting by saying you had a ghoul hand.

You thought you thought Luke was lying? Sure. I mean, sometimes nothing is a real ghoul hand. Luke may be a lot of things, but he is no liar. A ghoul. Do you have a name, or do we just call you ghoul?

Gould will suffice. Sorry, is ghoul your name? I mean, what are you doing? I don't know. I mean, I don't know his name. He is a ghoul, you know. I am a ghoul. Yeah, no, I just

Were you gentlemen Ever dead? I'm getting a distinct dead smell from all of you. Yeah, I was dead Eight or nine years ago, yeah. And we still smell dead? Like, it's been years for all of us, I think.

I think what it is is it's more like a me thing, like I am very attuned. Hey, crazy question. Well, none of you would mind if I suck the essence of what it is That makes you, out of you to eat. Would it?

Let's give it a shot. Okay. I'm going to pass. I think I need the essence of what makes me mean. No. You don't want that, honey? No. Chunt, what about you? Can I ask where, um, what the entry point is, I guess, or I don't know how to phrase this.

I know where this is going. Ask me a little choice. I don't mind. I don't need to get inside, but I can get inside however you, I can make a hole. I can use a hole. Well, if you get inside, it's no longer sucking, right? You're just kind of eating. Right?

I guess so. Is it like teeth that suck, or you have, is it, or are you like a lepidapidap? I can show you. I can show you specifically. Oh, don't show him. Don't show him. No, no, no. He's fine. Look, I just, before you... I don't know. I mean, you don't need to be sucking any of these fine folks. They're the ones hosting this here blood drive. And they have all manner of bevy of corpses in here.

you could suck on their behalf. Thank you, Luke. Gould, I just wanted to say to you, it sounds like you and Luke have a bit of a contentious relationship. Oh yeah, I hate this fucking guy. Okay, but he's literally

hosting you, keeping you alive. So, what is your problem with him? He sucks. Okay? Do you be any more specific than that? I mean, he's kind of a loser, you know? He's He's always in and out of jail

He can't hold a job He's never had a girlfriend Even though that's all he talks about wanting Luke Luke Oh Luke, why is that Are you okay Luke Why have you never met

Tried to form a meaningful relationship Well I've been in now prison for most of my life And then when I got outside of prison I had a goul for a hand And that's kind of a big breaker for a lot of women The type of women that do It's not a deal breaker for Not really necessarily the type of women

I'm necessarily the type of interest in, I guess, is the short and long of it. Yeah. I mean, everyone has baggage, but I guess there are some people that are like, I'm ready to have you in my life, but I'm not ready to have a goal for a hand in my life. I mean, yeah, it's a God's honest truth, and I do believe that to be true. So, Gould, you see, you're contributing to this issue where Luke is not able to form meaningful relationships. Can you change your behavior? First of all, first of all, from my perspective, you know,

I am not living on him. He's living on me. Well, how does that work? I mean, look, I've heard his side of the story. He got a ghoul sewn to his hand when his hand got cut off. But for my perspective, I got some schmuck asshole sewn to my entire ghoul body. You know what I'm saying? I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, of course. You didn't think about that. Why were you in a position that you allowed that to happen? Were you being punished in a way, too? Yeah, I was in prison with his asshole. We were on the chain gang together. So you were both separate entities on the chain gang. Yes. You both got in trouble.

They're like, fuck you both. We're going to sew you together. Yes. And now you're stuck. I kept escaping to go to graveyards to suck corpses. Sure. You know, he, what's that? Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, great. Seems like you have an M.O. and it's to suck. Look, yeah. To be fair, we were agreeing with you too hard. You know, and so we, he kept escaping to do God knows what he would do, right? It's poetry or whatever. And so they put both of us together as a kind of incentive so that neither one of us would escape. What's the, you know, I've never, I guess, seen one or heard one.

What's the sound of the men sort of working on the chain game? Yeah. Well, you know, it's like a, oh. You know, it's like, uh, uh, you know, it's like, uh, yeah, I mean, it's a sound of a man working on a chain gangs. I don't know, it's kind of like, um, uh, or like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, so you have some things in common. You, you have a history that you've built, and now you have to build a life together. Uh, so what, what other things might you have in common, uh, ghoul? Is there, is there anything that you do like about Luke?

Um, I don't know, I mean, Luke and I haven't really talked, you know, talked like that. I mean, like um oh then this is great uh usador uh yeah uh have them um each say something nice about each other yeah uh luke why don't you say something nice about the ghoul that's been uh i don't know against your consent son to your house something nice about the ghoul uh i don't know i i like that you're like a phantasm you know of sorts you don't have like a corporal body and uh unless you want to have a corporal body that seems cool right you know you can go through walls and stuff like that seems that seems that seems cool that could be useful too. Gould, can you say

something nice about Luke? Um, he's got a nice dick. Okay, that's great. Nice looking dick on him. Yeah. You know, not too big, not too small, just nice looking dick. Oh, man, I appreciate that. You know, that means

a lot to me. You can follow up questions, but I don't know that I want to ask them. But other than then, no, he seems like a complete loser. I mean, he doesn't like eating corpses. Oh, man, come on. I don't want to eat corpses. That's all. you ever talk about us. Sucking the stuff out of the corpse. Look, I don't want to focus too much

on the physical, but there is another thing you have in common. Look, Luke instead of a hand, you have a ghoul, and ghoul, one of your hands is replaced by a tiny mule. Oh, you saw that, did you? You're a mule hand gul. I'm a mule.

I'm a Luke. I'm a luke body mule hand gul. I'm a look body mule and gul. Yes. Careful. This is going to to Hornelius territory. Hornelius is a, I want to say a... How do you... How would you explain to Ornilius?

Big Hornelius fan. Big Horneillius fan. I'm familiar with he is. Me too. Here's a thing. Me too. But I can't get it right. Oh, the mule is too, it sounds like. Oh, mule.

Can we talk to the mule? That's about all he says. He's a fucking mule. He's not like a talking mule. Well, if I may, it sounds like you don't necessarily respect the mule. If you don't mind, maybe us asking some questions could sort of cajole some new, fresh perspectives out of him. I mean, I guess you can try to speak to the mule.

As far as I know, he doesn't speak. He only speaks to mule. Also, I believe he's a foreign mule as well. So I don't know if it's like a mule dialects that I'm not familiar with. So even if we knew mule, we wouldn't know this type of meal. I know. I believe he's a Moscow mule. So I don't know exactly where.

Artie, there's a lot of cows here that they stay sedentary for too long and sort of ivy and moss grow all over them. And they kind of become one with their surroundings. It's really sad. Mostly up north and Fingaria. They produce clear milk and it gets you so drunk. Well, if I'll get out of your hair now. I don't want to be too much of a bother to you.

No, no, no, hold up, hold up, hold up. Oh, that's something else you have in common. You both like to try to leave. Yeah, I like to try to leave to be polite, and he likes to try to leave because he knows that he sees people hauling corpses outside, and he wants to go outside and suck on those things. And I honestly, I let him, because he, you know, he's being quite contained right now because we just hit up a big old funeral party, and he's, you know, a little bit full.

Yeah, I guess that's what you would call it, a funeral party? A big funeral party? Artie. they suck horses, don't they? Sure, I guess. They're leaving. Excuse me, excuse me, before you leave. Oh, yeah, no, yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't going to leave. I was just going to go outside for a spell and see if I could... For a spell? What's going on? So the donkey is... Okay, so you never said that the donkey was full-size donkey... Oh, you saw that? You saw the donkey on the mule's hand?

Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, yeah. It is sort of a nesting doll situation going on with my body. I mean, the deeper you look, the more you're going to see. So I implore you to stop at the donkey. It does seem like the mule to donkey is the sort of least egregious of the, if I may. Oh, never mind.

So you didn't see. So you saw the, you thought that the mule had a donkey for a hand. So, okay, so we're missing one inside there as well. Okay, no. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and just put my hand back in my pocket right now. So we don't have to do this whole dog and pony show. And there it is.

I gave it away. I gave the fourth one away. It's a dog. A dog. Luke, it seems like you were the victim of some kind of human centipede experiment, but like fisting style. Okay. I take that as a compliment.

I think you, stranger, and I'd say, and I wish you all are great evening in a wonderful blue October. And I'll take my leave of you now, and I do appreciate it. And I'm going to pull a couple of these bodies. outside. Because the ghoul and the mule and the dog and the pony and the donkey, fuck. There's another one, so that's six now. They are all getting

a little antsy and a little hungry. Luke, can I ask you a question while everyone's in your pocket? I mean, absolutely. I'm an open book. What if you didn't supply them with these corpses for a while?

Well, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I have kind of supply them with the corpses because they're hungry for the corpses. I don't know what I'll... Right. But if they hunger for corpses, it implies that they need that to sustain their ongoing life force. And if you want to be free of these things, perhaps. You're saying I don't give them the corpses. Yeah. And I starve. Well, I am suggesting it. If it is truly an evil ghoul from hell, it is my duty upon Foon to strike out and destroy all evil that exists.

Therefore, if by starvation alone this ghoul is set free from thine hand and one less evil entity exists here on Foon, I have done my job. And now, Stranger, you got yourself a little bit of a trolley problem, because while the ghoul is undoubtedly an evil creature, as far as I know, the mule and the pony and the donkey and the dog, They never did nothing wrong. They, and for all intents of purposes, I do not speak their tongue. They seem to be nice, upstanding guys.

But if you think I can starve a mule, a donkey, a dog, and a pony to kill one ghoul, to save my soul, well, I mean, that's an appealing proposition. Well, I also, just to do all my due diligence here, I need to know what you eat real quick. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What kind of shit are you into, man? Y'all saw me how it's 50 eggs just there. Oh, that's true.

That's true. I did, it's right. You did eat a lot of eggs. I did 50 eggs in under an hour. It's very good. You ever seen a man do that before? Never. Incredible. I don't believe anyone ever has.

I might be the first. Well, we'll put a plaque up in the tavern to commemorate the eggs. It's a little bit of a, it's a little bit of a parlor trick on my account because I, um, I do have another ghoul in my stomach. What? An egg ghoul? He's an egg ghoul. Most of those eggs end up in hell or wherever because the kind of the ghoul just kind of transports them in there.

Hold on. Hold on. You're telling me that the ghoul that lives in your stomach doesn't devour the eggs. It just transports. It's just like a conduit for sending eggs to hell. I mean, I never poop. So I don't know what happens to the eggs.

Hold up, hold up. You never poop. How could I wipe? I mean, but wait, what's going on with your other hand? What do you mean? You can't wipe with your other hand? With my left hand? One hand has a ghoul, and let's see the other hand.

The other hand that's been in my pocket this whole time? I'd rather not take it out. Oh, wait a second. How are you dragging that body? Feet. Hold on. Have you been wiping with that hand? Is it covered in poop?

Are you a stool hand, Luke? Well, let me take the hand out of my pocket, and I believe all questions will be answered. Sorry about the smell. You hit it right on the head. I'm the stool hand, Luke. I don't have a ghoul of my stomach. I eat 50 eggs.

It affects me in a really bad way. Sure. And I only have the one hand, so I kind of limited with my options. Now, in all honesty, I was trying to get out of here so I could wash my hand off in a stream or something. Now I feel bad keeping you here. Luke, I know you have had your series of romantic mishaps and woes because of the ghoul on your hand. May I put forth that the other hand may be just as detrimental, if not more so.

I thought you could bring me a solution, man. we should bring you a solution so you can clean off your hand. I've tried almost everything. What? What? I haven't tried water and soap or vinegar? No, I haven't tried that. I've tried almost everything, but I haven't tried that.

List off some of the things you've tried. Oh, man, I just put it together. I've got to eat with this hand, too. Oh, don't touch your eye. Don't touch your eye. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, he's rubbing his eye. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Hey, can I stay with you guys forever? I'll stay with you guys forever? Yeah, I don't have a place to go. Can I stay with you guys forever? Is that? Please say no. Hey, I could be your prisoner.

I can be your prisoner. Luke, you're getting real sweaty, buddy. Let's take a quick break. We'll calm down, have maybe some water in different areas. I'll have 50 more eggs. I guarantee I'll have 50 more eggs. He's kicking him into his mouth. We'll be right back and we'll try and resolve this.

Okay, Usador I went and grabbed Twyla, the vampire, and I put her in a booth with Luke and we're gonna see, we're gonna have Luke try and, you know, go on a date and not sort of muck it up. So, um, let's, I'll get there.

They're gonna do. Hey, you got, um, you know, you look, you look really, uh, yeah, you look nice to net. Thank you. Yeah, I gotta put my card on the table. You know, I know those fellas did me a service probably talking me up to you and everything

so he agreed to go on a date with me. I got both my hands in my pocket and they need to stay in my pocket for the entire day. Okay, that's helpful for me. I'm a vampire. Seems like it makes it more difficult for you to defend yourself. Well,

this was nice. I guess I better be going now. I guess I got to be heading out the old Dusty Road, Dusted Trail. No, no, no, no, not so fast. Luke, is that what you said your name was? Yeah, just Luke. Just Luke, and there's nothing else.

No other part of my name. I don't have to kill you or turn you. And I don't, if you're worried about your neck, I don't have to suck your neck. I could suck. Hello. Your. Don't say hand, don't say hand.

Shoulder. Shoulder. Now that. That sounds appealing. Now, hold on now. You did mention turning me. That would be turning me into a vampire, to an undead? I'm a little picky, but I could turn you into a vampire.

Is that appealing to you? That might actually be a solution to a couple of my problems that I've been kind of putting off for a long time. Can I ask you a couple of questions about vampires? Sure, yes. You just drink blood, right? You do not have to eat or drink, and in fact, you cannot eat or drink? I cannot eat regular food.

I cannot eat anything except for blood. It is just blood. That solves one problem completely. So I'll just mark that as left-hand problem solved. And then the other thing is an undead. Now, that's different from a dead, right? Yes, it's very different. It's undead.

So a creature who was interested in... I'm beyond death. I'm beyond the reach of death. Oh, beyond the reach of death. Ding, ding, ding. That's how it solves the right-hand problem. Actually, yeah, you know what? If you want to get to suck in or suck wherever you need to suck

and kind of turn old Luke into a vampire, I think that sounds nice. All right, let me just move your hair out of the room. Arnie, sit down. You've got to see this. We let a vampire loose on Luke. We're going to see what happens. Wow, she's sucking the life force out of him.

Is he going to be okay? Shum, is that okay? Is that what he wanted? It seems like he's enjoying it. Oh, also, Arnie, you missed somebody to say, suck your shoulder. Oh. I mean, have you tried it, though?

No. Just don't judge too quickly. Oh, I'm almost done, but one thing, you don't buy any chance, because this would be very bad, you don't buy any chance to have a ghoul for a hand, do you? Oh, boy. Just a ghoul? 100% playing just a ghoul for a hand?

Because no. Okay. That's not a problem. say, because, you know, the turning process sometimes can be complex. And it's so rare. It's one in a million. But if you turn someone with a ghoul for a hand, that sort of supergoos them. Usador.

Is it or. Yes, what? What in a million still seems high, right? Yeah, and go for it. Supergoal. That's not a term I'm super familiar with. It's just sort of the ghoul for the hand would become a super ghoul. Yeah, super ghoul.

So any problems that would come from the ghoul would be made super side. Like, not side. It would just become stronger. I'm getting it. I'm getting it kind of clear. You know what? This was really nice. I'm going to talk to my friends over here for a moment.

It was really nice. I'm meeting you. I'm very lightheaded. I'm probably going to fall down a couple times on my way back over. You did quite a number of me. But hey, you're very good. And I would tip you, but I have to keep both my hands in my pockets. Also, something smells like shit.

Yes, my other hand. I kind of shit covered in here. Kind of that was... Thank you, Twyla. Thank you. Get some blood on the way out. Luke, look. How to go?

It went wonderful. Oh, nice. Let me feed you a cookie and some juice. You can keep your hands in your pockets. No, no, no. He can't keep his hands in his pocket. Because now I'm loose, baby. Wait, what?

Supergoole style. What? What the fuck? What happened? What? She didn't kind of explain I didn't do a good job explaining I was trying to hide the ghoul part

And she sucked my blood She turned me undead And she kind of turned my ghoul And she kind of turned my ghoul into a super cool Oh What does that What does that mean? Yeah what does that mean

Shake's pony, dog And donkey off of hand That means I'm untethered In fact, I don't even need this guy anymore It's a gah Whoa Oh boy Oh look at that now

that ghoul just kind of popped right off my hand. Oh, you okay? Yeah, I guess so. I was expecting it to bleed, but I don't know why. Well, if you're undead now, maybe it's going to grow back, who knows? Oh, I could be fully undead, huh? Maybe, I don't know. How do I test that? Uh, uh, ghul, you want to eat me?

Ew, fuck now. Oh, yeah, that's a good sign. Eh! You got nothing I want in there. Super ghoul. Ah, now you face Eucidore the wizard, the greatest blue wizard in all of foon. Okay. Oh, you're flew in his mouth.

He's a good. Use of his mouth. Oh. Okay, what is it going on in that guy? There's nothing in there that I want. There's nothing in here that you want? Well, there's nothing in there that I want either. For I am here to defeat evil in all its forms, and I shall strike you down on this day.

I'm going to the badger. Yeah. Oh, oh, Chott. Guys, guys, I'm getting, I'm getting sucked from the inside. It feels weird. I bet. Chant, yeah. Two teaspoons of clove.

Two teaspoons of clove. Nah, no, there's nothing in there I want it either. Whoa. You guys have, like, a lot of, I want to say, like, history going out in there. Yeah, a lot of, yeah, you can't suck cannon, buddy. There's a t-shirt? There's so many non-specific reasons why I'm not really interested in what you've going on and you. Do I go for the third?

I'll be honest with you. You can try. It's not going to be any better with me. Also, all week I've been eating a lot of extreme creams, so that couldn't have. You've added some moustachios, extreme creams? I don't know. I just like the song gets stuck in your head. It's so insidious.

The song gets stuck in your head. and then you just find yourself thinking about it. And then when you go up to the bar to order something, you're like, fucking, maybe I should get an extreme cream. And then before you know it, you're having like five extreme creams a day. Arnie, did I tell you? Evil ghoul, I'm here to strike you down this day. Hey, hey, hey, why don't we lower the temperature everybody?

I mean, look, we all got what we wanted. I mean, the ghoul's gone. The donkey and the pony and the dog and they're all gone. I mean, I can go about my way. I don't need to steal corpses from funeral parties or blood drives anymore. I mean, this is a win for everybody. Okay, well, right. It is a party for monsters, so I guess a ghoul isn't totally out of place here.

I was going to say, you're not killing any, you know, vampires. They seem pretty evil. Well, the vampires that are down on their luck once they're back up on their luck who will watch out. Okay, well, you know, I mean, I just got super ghoul status, okay? I'm pretty much down on my luck. I mean, geez, let a guy live for like a minute. Fine, fine. Fine, super ghoul, you can live. Okay, cool. Let's party, man. Let's hang out.

Did you say, okay, Gould? I like this guy. I don't like what's going on inside of you or what I'm sucking out of you, but I like this guy. Okay. Gould, do you eat things other than the corpse's essence? No, I do not. Hey, let's hit a graveyard up. Huh? That's fun. after party, let's hit a graveyard up. Oh, what a gobble gobble gole.

I think you're too obsessed with food. I mean, I got nothing going on. I'd go to a graveyard. It sounds like some kind of fun. Why not? Oh, yeah. Luke and Gould, are you two going to stay in touch? I mean, I'm not doing nothing if you want to hang out or whatever.

I mean, I'm undead now, so it's like, you don't want to eat me. I don't want to eat you, you know. Maybe for the first time in our relationship. Hell, there's nothing preventing us from getting along. Oh. Suck my ass, nerd. I'm going to hell.

I knew that. I knew I should have smited him while I had the chance. He went to hell. He escaped right to hell. I think the worst part was that noise he made when he went. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Sort of like a whew. Is that vampire still here?

No, she took off. Okay. Well. So, Luke, do you get anything? anything weird going on about your feet? I mean, I use them to wipe. Luke. Yeah, I'm not a good guy. It seemed like a nasty guy.

Honestly, the ghoul hand was maybe the one thing I had going for me. It's true. We're letting monsters of all sorts be in here, but I don't, I feel like if we let you stay, it's kind of a health code violation. Yeah, I got to go. You might need to leave. For sure. Yeah, can I take food for the road, or can I, is that, is that a problem?

You can take as much food as you want, as long as you also take some soap. Okay, yeah, no, I'll take, I'll take some food and some soap. Don't try to eat the soap. No. Just wash your hand with it. Wash my hand with the soap? Yeah, I can do that now because I have the one hand now. So, yeah, I'll take some food.

I'll take this guy, this dead guy. Nobody seems to be wanting him anymore, so I'll, uh... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why do you so want a dead guy? You don't have the goal to suck the essence. Yeah, you're right. you are right what am i thinking of course i don't need this guy yeah so i'll just get out of your hair i'll take this dead guy no no no what is he doing with these bodies oh for sure for sure for yeah

you're right because i don't have the ghoul on my hand anymore so all right well you gentlemen have a good night you have a nice wait wait wait pulling on it i'm still pulling on this dead guy yes what were you in prison for huh what was i in prison for same thing the ghoul was in prison for we got caught doing the same thing in the graveyard um sucking dead guys Come, come. Get the fuck out of it. Hey, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

I'll go! I'll go! I'll go! Fucking weird, gross puppet. The fuck. So, Yuser, how's this Trent for Blue October been treating you? Oh, I got everything I needed.

Oh. Tiny mule, tiny dog, tiny horse. I'm going to scoop those up for sure. Joy the party, guys. Thank you. Oh, the one does talk. Well, now that I have so much, uh,

Plasma, Blue Plasma, I'm going to go and concoct a new spell, a spell that will keep us safe from ghouls. Because now I'm really worried that a ghoul army is going to rise up from hell to get their revenge on us. Oh, that would be able. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I mean, we made a super ghoul and sent it to hell. Yeah. And it knows who we are. So that was maybe one of the worst things we've ever done. Yeah. But you know what? Chunt, I'm proud of you. You've done a lot of good for a lot of terrible, horrible, bad monsters. Thank you.

Thank you, Arnie. Oh, shit. Look, look in the corner. Quir me of this. I don't even know what I'm looking at. Was it Da Vinci who said art has never finished, only abandoned? He forgot to add what a relief that could be sometimes. Yuzzo the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Addle Rofi. Gould Hand Luke was played by special guest John Patrick Cohen. See JPC Live in World News Tonight, Saturdays at 7.30 at I.O. Chicago. And check out his podcasts, Hey Riddles. Riddle and gum shoes and dragons, both available wherever you get your podcasts. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. In fact, the most recent bonus episode was the 100th Patreon

episode. Seems like the perfect time to shut it all down. Anyway, to celebrate, Arnie, Chunt, and Usador look at how the podcast might have started in different worlds. Here's a clip. But I am setting up shop here in the weird woods in the magical, fantastical woods of Taberni. I'm joined for the first time, I guess, by Zorvin the Weird. Sort of a wizard. Hello, it is I, Zorben the Weird, the weirdest wizard in all of Taberni. My voice will only be like this for two or three.

three episodes and then I'll find it and are the woods named after you because it's the weird woods but also you're Zorbin the weird yeah these are my woods these are my wizardy woods I'm crazy man you're so weird and of course my other co-host uh snacks the turtle hey ho would you call me kidding I love that I love that kind of kind of joke. Uncanny. I didn't like any of that. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adderl Rify. Post-production coordination by Garrett Shultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman, this episode edited by Sage G.C. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poe. Thank you.