Hello Internet - Four Calling Birds

Episode Date: December 28, 2018

28th of December. And it's another minisode. It never ends, people. I mean, it does end. It ends after 12 days. This is the fourth day. Yeah, you're right. It's the fourth day of Christmas.

So we're one third of the way in. What's the fourth day of Christmas in the song? Do you know? I don't know. I have to run through the song in my head. Wait, it's... Do you know the song in your head, do you? I don't even know.

It's 12. I've got to go backwards. 12 drummers drumming, 11 something, something. Five is gold rings, isn't it? Five gold rings, six geese a-laying, four partridges in a pear tree. No, now you're just being silly. Ah, okay. It's four calling birds, which is one I wouldn't have...

Four calling birds, right. If you'd given me a year, I wouldn't have remembered that four calling birds. That is a forgotten line for me. It's not a very striking line. In fact, looking down what they all are, I'm going to make the call here and now that the four calling birds is the most forgettable of all of the phrases in the song. Because I reckon I probably may have guessed all of the others, not got the number right, but got the phrase right.

But Calling Birds is anonymous to me. Well, happy Calling Birds Day. Happy Calling Birds Day. I'm sorry, Calling Birds. And like, are Calling Birds a particular kind of bird or is it just birds that are calling? It's a very bird-dominated song, isn't it? Yeah, that's true. What's the big deal with birds? We've got the partridge, the turtle doves, the hens, kind of bird or is it just birds that are calling it's a very bird dominated song isn't it yeah

that's true what's the big deal with birds we've got the partridge the turtle doves the hens the calling birds geese swans right and then they fall away there are no more birds all right but it's almost 50 percent birds yeah what's the big deal with birds i'd be disappointed if people kept giving me birds for christmas enough of the birds enough of the birds. I want an iPhone. Yeah. Even just this partridge is a hassle. Thanks for nothing. Yeah.

And where the hell am I going to put a pear tree? Is the pear tree the gift or is it just the partridge in the pear tree? Like are they saying, see that partridge up there in that pear tree? That partridge is for you. Or is that the whole gift? Look, I've got a partridge and the pear tree. It's a partridge and a pear tree. Yeah.

It's in the tree. That's not and a tree. I thought it was a partridge. It's in a pear tree. Partridge in a pear tree. Yeah. That's why it's like what you get wrapped up is a partridge that is in a pear tree.

The two are together. The two are together. Yeah. I would imagine you're unwrapping the pear tree, which I have no idea what it looks like. And then the partridge sticks its head out. And it's like, oh, isn't this exciting? A burden that I have to look after.

It doesn't have to be wrapped though. It could just be already in the ground. It could be see that one over there. Where do pear trees even live though? I don't know. Is a pear tree even a real thing? I don't know. Yeah, is a pear tree a real thing?

Pear tree is a real thing. Well, where do pears come from? I was like, when you see pictures of pineapples and you're like, that can't possibly be how pineapples grow. That's an apple tree. Behind you is an apple tree in my backyard. And the whole time we've been recording, there's been a big pigeon in it.

And that's gone now, which is a real shame because it would have been a really nice moment if you looked around and I said, Gray, for the fourth day of Christmas, I've got you a pigeon in an apple tree. It doesn't have the same ring to it. A pigeon in an apple tree. No, that's ridiculous.

What kind of gift is that? Partridge in a pear tree or nothing all right what do you get the man who has everything car you've got a christmas card okay i picked up a christmas card oh i can see the back of it and it's got someone's ah see now there's i would invalidate a card that had so someone someone has drawn flaggy flag on the back of the card. Oh, look, the pigeon just landed in the apple tree right now behind you. See? Yes, that is a pigeon, Brady. That's for you, Gray.

Merry Christmas. I arranged that for you. It just landed just then. Spectacular. Yes, people, I'm looking at a magnificent pigeon. Well, it's been there the whole time we've been recording, so all the other episodes that it's not just the three or four minutes of this episode. It's come back every day.

They've drawn flaggy flag on the back. But Gray, if we are to preclude every single card that has had flaggy flag drawn in it this Christmas, we would be precluding a lot of our cards. The flaggy flag people will not let go. I mean, look, my feeling on the Hello Internet style guide is that we never acknowledge the existence of flaggy flag people will not let go. I mean, look, my feeling on the Hello Internet style guide is that we never acknowledge the existence of flaggy flag, except when we are crushing it beneath our boots. But it is the holiday season.

Okay. And so I'm willing to let it go just this time of year. Okay. Because I'm feeling generous. Okay. On the fourth day of Christmas, we got four flaggy flags. Yes. So we have a penguin card.

Obviously we have had many penguin cards. We have had many, many cards of penguins. And this one which also helps it slide under my I'm feeling generous it says RIP CGP Grey the penguin. And also Garth the deer as well.

Cannot be forgotten. Garth the Christmas deer, remember? Yes. With the piece of tinsel. That was a Christmas story. Garth the Christmas deer. So this has also helped the card get through because it is paying respect to-

Our fallen soldiers. To the slowly increasing number of dead animals on the podcast. What's in the card? Anything good? This card has no question. It is merely asking for a moment of silence for CGP Grey the penguin and Garth. A moment of silence for the departed animals of Hello Internet. Before we start this moment of silence, could I ask you all to turn to your podcast players

and switch off the feature that takes away silences so that you don't just hear us say a moment silence and then go to the next sentence. So as we all now go and turn off our whatever it's called, silence skipping mode or whatever, turn it off as we have this moment. And look, you look at the pigeon. It's like almost like it's on a vigil there.

I don't know why you're so obsessed with this pigeon. Sorry. Moment of silence. Okay. It's back. There you go. Very serious moment there on the podcast. Well, you know.

And the holidays, they're a happy time, but always. Yeah. It's always linked to thinking of those who are no longer with us. Yes. So it's appropriate that on our fourth day of christmas yes this is acknowledged okay i agree well done okay i've got a card here very pretty little lamp on the front it's like very sort of papery made and we're gonna open it up oh oh wow great you're gonna say what just happened? That was quite something. This is one of these very, very fancy pop-up Christmas cards.

Like I know what you're thinking of in your head when you're thinking of a pop-up Christmas card, but this is way more detail. And I believe this company does like laser etching of these pieces, but it's a very complicated 3D Christmas tree that has popped up with a little village behind it. It's a beautiful card. It's lovely. But what would you do with it if it's given to you?

Do you then put it on your shelf like... No, I think you'd have to lay it flat and display it. You'd lay it flat and display it. All right. And there's a little tab on the side that if I pull that out, the message has been hidden on another lovely piece of card. This is someone with lovely handwriting. Mark missouri is it saint louis or saint louis i would say saint louis right and if there's one thing i do know is people love to tell you that the obvious pronunciation of their place is oh that's not the way locals say it all right it's like nevada so there's a few suggestions here from mark i'm gonna go with

this one here well we love talking about Star Wars at Christmas. We already have spoken about it once. Right off the bat. Why stop? Let's do it again. Because we've been asked here, this is an interesting question. What are your memories of watching Star Wars as kids? Do you remember the first time you saw Star Wars?

No, I don't remember a life before star wars no i don't think i was a cognizant self-aware creature at that point no okay i remember the first time i saw star wars i think it was on a tape on a vhs tape or it was on tv it was definitely on a tv set and i remember where i was sitting in the lounge room i've probably told this story before so apologies if i have but all i remember was before watching it dad told me this is a cool film and it's got this hero called luke skywalker and i built myself up into a frenzy of how important luke skywalker was and every time a person appeared in the film until luke skywalker appeared i would ask is that luke skywalker so you know at the start just before darth vader

comes into the runner and like you know all the rebels are hiding behind the walls waiting for the storm troopers to shoot them and they're all a bunch of old men in suits all that looking out thinking all this looks scary and there's a few close-ups of these men's faces i was always is that luke skywalker my dad's like no is that one luke no Luke? No. I will tell you when it's Luke Skywalker. He's not on this ship it had like the stormtrooper it had Darth Vader and it had Yoda on it and this was like a VHS edition of Star Wars that my dad had bought. How young are you? That's not that long ago. That's not really old though is it? Like that's not like ancient history. I mean you are much older than me Brady. I obviously am. I mean you're thinking about your own mortality every time you get out of bed. That's the first time i've ever looked at you and thought wow gray's younger than

me if that's one of his early star wars memories to me that was like oh another box set to buy yeah but to me that was what star wars was is that box set like i have the feeling of pulling them out as a as a kid and like watching them over and over again so it's like that box set to me is like is how star wars came into the world minor minor all the star wars figures for christmas and all the different books i had and a really good empire strikes back pop-up book speaking of because this is on a pop-up card i had a brilliant pop-up empire strikes back book that did all sorts i still remember all the different things it did all the different functionalities the pages had god i love that

book that's why i've spent so much money on secondhand star wars stuff because you just like but all the different things it did, all the different functionalities the pages had. God, I love that book. That's why I've spent so much money on secondhand Star Wars stuff because you're just like buying happy memories. And the other thing I remember is when Return of the Jedi came out, my next door neighbors went and saw it a day before me and they had come home and were playing cricket in the backyard and all they were doing was talking about all the things that had happened in Return of the Jedi and it drove me crazy. Not because I cared about spoilers, because I hadn't seen it and they were talking about these things called Ewoks and how amazing they were doing was talking about all the things that had happened in Return of the Jedi. And it drove me crazy. Not because I cared about spoilers, because I hadn't seen it.

And they were talking about these things called Ewoks and how amazing they were. And I was like, God damn it, I don't even know what an Ewok is. I have to see this film. What's an Ewok? Isn't that amazing? Or a little Brady. All right. Grey's reaching into the pile of cars.

Reaching into the pile. Trying to do it in a somewhat random fashion. We've received a Happy Hol holidays from Mars postcard. Is that like the couple on there or the Ascenta? It's a couple in their spacesuits. And it seems they have a little cat with them on Mars. Do you think this is like, so obviously that's... I don't think it's genuinely from Mars, Brady, if that's what you're asking me.

Is this this family's family Christmas card? Because quite a few people have sent us like their family Christmas card. I think that's what that is. That's my guess. So this couple has had a piece of artwork made, either they made or it was commissioned, and it's them in spacesuits with their pet, also in a spacesuit on Mars. Where's it come from? Can you say? It has come from Carlisle, PA in America. Which state do you think PA is, Brady? Is that Pennsylvania?

I think it's Pennsylvania. When you said Carlisle, I was thinking up near the Lake District. There's Carlisles up there as well in England. Happy holidays. For our question, real Christmas tree or artificial Christmas tree? Well, Gray, you are sitting underneath my Christmas tree right now. I am sitting underneath your Christmas tree. You have to touch it to figure out what it is.

I don't know. It's like the artificial ones can look really good, that's a real christmas tree that you have there it is a real christmas tree yeah i grew up with artificial christmas trees in australia my mom went for artificial she did a good tree but she went for the artificial ones but my wife is like if you even said artificial christmas tree to my wife you would get a look of complete scorn we are and my wife likes the biggest biggest possible christmas tree to my wife you would get a look of complete scorn we are and my wife likes the biggest biggest possible christmas tree we go out and pick it a month before christmas at the christmas tree farm she'll spend a long time choosing her target

and then we put a big reserved ribbon on it and then a couple of weeks before christmas we go back to the farm cut it down somehow fit it in my car which is ridiculous because of how big it is it was touching the roof when we brought it in but we trimmed the top off i was going to say you have about an inch worth of clearance on that christmas tree you didn't you didn't pick it just right i will tell the truth it was just right but when we put it there it was a couple of centimeters below the ceiling but then you couldn't get the angel on because of that. Right, okay. So, yes, again, we have an angel, not a star on the tree for people who know about that issue. I've lost that battle for life now.

I think I got one or two years of stars and now it's like angels. So we had to cut the top of the tree off to get that angel up there on. But it did fit just perfectly. I have to water it and things like that. That's one of my few jobs in the house, watering the Christmas tree tree i still manage to forget that all the time so yeah real christmas tree what about you do you have a christmas tree this year basically the same story i grew up with artificial christmas trees but then my wife was like we're not having an artificial christmas tree in the house for her it's much less about the size yeah and it's much more about the smell of

the christmas tree so she is looking when we go christmas tree hunting for an aromatic christmas tree okay so we want something that makes the house smell christmassy yeah and i used to think this was a ridiculous pain in the ass to go get it but like i have come to really appreciate the smell of the christmas tree like when you come back in the house like i genuinely do like it we try to pick pick up our Christmas tree on St. Nick's Day on the 5th of December to start the Christmas decorations. But this year I have been in America for much longer than I anticipated. And so we have yet to get our Christmas tree actually up and running, which, of course, doesn't make sense in the timeline because this is the fourth day of Christmas. So obviously, no, we do have a decorated Christmas tree in the house.

We're not recording this ahead of time. But yeah, that's the way it works for us. You are leaving it late. Yes, we are leaving it extraordinarily late this year. As we drop into real time between us. So yeah, there we go. What do you feel about artificial Christmas trees now? Are you snobby towards them? No, I think they're totally fine. I don't think there's anything you feel about artificial Christmas trees now? Are you like, are you snobby towards them?

No, no, I think they're totally fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with an artificial Christmas tree. Any kind of Christmas tree that you want. A sad Charlie Brown Christmas tree, you know, an aluminum pole Christmas tree. Like whatever works, whatever works for you and your family. The first sort of 12 or 13 years of my life, we had a white Christmas tree, an artificial white Christmas tree. It was like coloured white.

I think of those as very fancy Christmas trees. Dear, yeah. I mean, I have very fond memories of it because that was like, you know, the golden period of Christmas for me because that's when you're a kid and you believe all the stuff you believe. So I have very fond memories of that tree. But then we got a green fake Christmas tree that was bigger and a lot more elaborate.

That's when my mum got really hardcore into Christmas trees and she would spend like two days decorating it. And I think my sister and I were allowed to put one decoration on it as like a – it had to be like where it couldn't be seen. Well, no, it could be wherever we wanted, but if my mum didn't like where it was because I would put – basically we had these two decorations which were like our initials. So I had a big B decoration.

It was a big embroidered B. So mum said, you can put the b wherever you want on the tree so when i was young i would put it like front and center right smack in the middle of the tree and then mum would be like well clearly it's not going there as i got older i got more into the idea of hiding it in the christmas tree somewhere it was really hard to find like only i know where the b is and i think my mum was much more comfortable with that decorating style that worked out much better for everyone yeah yeah so my wife used to let me put decorations on the tree now but now it's like you know i just put them in the wrong place i don't have the necessary sense of christmas tree balance apparently it's hard to balance a christmas tree

and the torment of it is you can look at a tree and go, that's not balanced, right? Like you can see that a thing is not balanced, but you don't necessarily know how do I make it balanced? You can see that it's wrong, but not how to make it right. Whereas my wife, she's quite good at it. I think she's done a good job this year. It really is a magnificent tree that is looming behind me as we record. It is looming behind you along with that pigeon still in the apple tree.

The pigeon's still there. Still there, yeah. Merry Christmas, pigeon. And Merry Christmas to you, listeners.