Help I Swiped Right - Help! I Met With a Singles Empowerment Coach

Episode Date: November 23, 2025

Hello Swipers,In this episode I sit down with Nic Cooper, an empowerment coach for women. We chat about how empowering it can be to be single, the joy of being single, and keeping that mindset whilst still being open to dating!And we answer some juicy dating dilemmas such as ,is it ever ok to go back to an ex? And would you date someone going through the process of getting a divorce? You can follow Nic on Instagram @CoachingwithNicRemember to send your dating questions and dilemmas to [e-mail] of love,SJam

Hello and welcome to another episode of Help I Swiped Right. Every week I explore the highs and lows of modern-day dating culture, sharing fun stories from my dating past and answering your dating questions and dilemmas. There's new episodes every Sunday, so make sure it's subscribed so they get the latest episodes as soon as they come out. As I said last week, I am now launching a challenge to see if I can get to 50 reviews on Spotify. This would really help me. So I'm checking every week to see how we're going. If you've not given me a review yet, if you're listening on Spotify, please take literally one second to just give a quick five-star rating on Spotify if you're enjoying the podcast. If I get to

50 reviews, I will then be doing a tour of my hinge profile. I'll let you guys see it all, listen to your feedback and yeah, welcome your comments on my hinge profile. Anyway, I'm so pleased to be joined by another brilliant guest this week. Nick Cooper is here with me this week and we'll be chatting about her work as a single's empowerment coach as well as answering your questions and dilemmas together. So Nick is coaching with Nick on Instagram. She's an empowerment coach for single woman and I can say firsthand that she's absolutely fantastic.

I have had coaching of Nick myself and working with her has just been transformational for my life. I actually first discovered Nick last year when I was feeling quite low about being single at that point of time. And I wanted to feel better. And I'm so pleased I discovered Nick through Instagram and just having one session with her helped me change my mindset so much. And I'm really pleased to say I have not felt that same way since it's opened my mind up to realising how fun and brilliant being single can be. And that doesn't mean stopping dating, but it's just about changing your mindset with it. So yeah, super pleased to be joined by Nick. Thank you for having me. It's really good to be here. So Nick, let's just dive straight into it. I think everyone

would love to hear sort of what inspired you to become a singles empowerment coach. Oh gosh, where do we begin? So I guess my journey started in my early 30s, so I'm 39 now. And around the age of like 33, 34, I had been dating, had a couple of relationships, and I found myself single again and, you know, walked away from a relationship that I, you know, was kind of like persuading myself that was the one as you do in your 30s and actually was not right for me. So I walked away from that and I just found myself at a stage where I was just feeling lost so you have though you know the pressure in your 30s that life like short look a certain way like the partner the kids the house all of that kind of stuff the career and it's a real pressure and I think you kind of force things

that don't fit and actually when they don't fit and when it you know things don't work out you kind of feel like you're failing. And then I found myself at a bit of like a pivoting life where I knew something needed to change. And that's where I sort of discovered coaching. And I had my own confidence coaching, confidence and mindset coaching. And honestly, that changed my life because it was all about the perspective that I was coming at things with. So I was very much comparing myself to a person, you know, thinking my life I needed to look a certain way. Not just like really doubt on myself all the time and overthinking. And once I did the work on that, everything shifted. And like, you know, I started seeing this time of my life as a real opportunity. Like I sort of

really, I built that confidence in myself. And that shifted everything. So it opened up new opportunities. Because when obviously you start thinking about, you know, what you have got in front of you rather than what you haven't, you then start attracting the right people, you know, new experiences, new opportunities, and then did my coaching and then felt like it's a really good point in my life. So, yeah, in my day, so my day job is I'm a lawyer. So then I kind of found myself at a point there where I was sort of waking up with that, is this it feeling? And I think that's quite a feeling that a lot of people in their 30s, 30s tend to wake up with, especially like in your late 30s as well. And I just thought, you know what? I can do anything. I want.

want to do. Like, you don't have to follow the path that you've always followed. And then that's when I went into coaching. And then it was just confidence and mindset at first. And actually, I just had this real, like, calling, I suppose it is, to help single women because, you know, there is a lot of pressure, especially in your 30s to have that life that you think, you know, that path that you think you should always go down at this point in life. And that is when, yeah, I just think it's, A lot of how you experienced your 30s is about internally, like how you speak to, how you speak to yourself, how you, your perspective on things and your confidence, your self-trust. So that is what I started helping women do.

And it's just really naturally grown into a really nice little business, to be honest. So, yeah, that's where I was sort of am. And I'm really enjoying. I feel like I'm really making a difference. And it's about changing that narrative. That's what my real passion is, you know, changing that narrative. that has been single actually, it's so easy to think it's a failure for actually it's such an opportunity. So yeah, I feel like I've waffled quite a lot there, but that is like my sort of

journey into coaching and why I sort of started helping single women. Yeah, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I related to a lot of what you were saying there. I mean, about that feeling like a failure for being single, that's kind of why I first came to you last year. And I didn't want to feel that way anymore. And you definitely are changing lives and having a real impact and helping people. And I think I agree with you said as well, it's all about perspective. It's all about perspective. You keep that perspective. When society, you'd feel like a failure for being single. And that's a good point. Like we're conditioned to think that our lives have to look a certain way. Like, you know, you have to find someone and it's like

children as well. That's a big pressure in your 30s. And it's like, you know, the Disney films that we grow up with, like, it's the princess finds her prince and lives happily ever after. And, you know, it is like a deep conditioning. And it all comes down. That's why I do a lot of mindset work with people. It is that deep rooted, you know, beliefs. And it's unpicking those beliefs. And I think, actually, you can think so differently about this. Your life can look however you want it to look and you can own it. But it's about unpicking that within our belief system. and you know that subconscious the subconscious is massively part of this it's like you know it can keep you stuck or it can open up so many opportunities so yeah it's a lot of conditioning

I think that we that we need to unpick that's it it's not about being hard on yourself if you are feeling down about being something like it's kind of like no wonder with all the messaging even questions from friends and families have you got a boyfriend yet And it's that yet, isn't it? It's that like, you're not doing, like, well, you're not succeeding until it's like you've got to get back to that end goal. And actually, what are you doing now? Like, yeah.

Yeah, honestly, it's, I think it's such important work you're doing. Like I said, I'm so pleased I did connect with you because I love your messaging. If people should go and check it out, coaching with Nick on Instagram. And all your messaging on there is all about, like, the joys in life and like just finding joy in your life where you are right now and I think that's needed you're not saying oh you should never get a boyfriend or get into a relationship or anything like that it's more about just enjoying where you are now yeah exactly I think that's a that's a really good point because you know I'm not about you know I think a lot of coaches go down the route of like oh

the hating men and the hating dating dating but you know you can have You can be looking for a relationship and be dating, but you can also enjoy this time of your life. And it's about doing both. And I think when you get to a point where you are like really throwing your energy into yourself and really enjoying this time of your life, that's when you start to attract the right people. Because I think you let go with that like the forcing and the chasing and you go into dates without being attached to the outcome. And actually, that's when your standards get so much higher. So it all works together really well.

So, yeah, it's not about like not wanting to meet someone because I would love to meet someone. I'm very open about that. But it's about how you use this time now because it's such an opportunity. Exactly. And may as well enjoy it. And I remember I did a group coaching call with you as well.

And I think one of the questions, I think you also share, what's the one thing you love about being single? Because like you say, there are so many brilliant things about it and a lot of my friends are in long-term relationships and they were kind of saying how there are certain things they feel they can't do now for instance solo travel just that freedom to do whatever you want and you're not thinking about someone else's wants needs because you've got that freedom so you enjoy it and

that's how I've been living my life this year. Oh, maybe I love that and I guess I'm And I bet that's opened up so many opportunities for you as well, because now, once your perspectives change, you think, actually, I can do this and I could do this. And it's, yeah, it's an absolute game changer. Yeah, literally. It's just having fun. And I've had so many fun experiences this year. I went on two solo trips, holidays with friends. I completed a coaching course myself, which I'm super proud. Incredible. Yeah. That's also kind of why I ended up connecting with you, Nick, I was already doing my coaching training and I'm already a believer in the power

of coaching and I absolutely love it. And the fact that I'm now a qualified coach myself, I'm super excited. And I mean, when you can change your mindset with that with dating, dating can become fun again. It's taken that pressure off it, isn't it? And I think that is all about your mindset and your self-trust, trusting your intuition, because once you take that pressure off, like I say, you don't become attached to the outcome, and then you can just literally enjoy it for what it is, like an opportunity to meet someone new, whether it's a good date or a bad date. It's just, you know, widening your sort of circle, I guess, and meeting new people. Yeah, literally,

the pressure is off. And I talked about this in episode one, season one, help have been on over 100 first states where a lot of those 100 were wrapped up last year in all honesty where I was just on a conveyor belt of dates and living in London on hinge there's so many people it is kind of easier to you could in theory go on a lot of dates if you wanted to and I think it's not good to go that many dates in one week you know at there was times I was going on four dates a week and it's just, you know, it's not, it's not good. It's not healthy. Yeah. And I guess it's on picking why you do that, I suppose, isn't it? Why you feel like you should do it? Because it's that like, it comes back to that point of, you know, that desperation of trying to like meet someone

because you think that that's what's going to bring you happiness. And then actually, when you do that inner work of actually finding the happiness yourself and sort of relationship with yourself, which I always say is the most important one, that's when you think, actually, take the pressure off, go on dates when you want to go on dates with who you feel like you want to see, not for the sake of ticking the box that you've been out on a date, tick. Does that make sense? It does exactly where I was last year. I was 29.

I really wanted to find a partner. And for some reason, I had put it in my head that I should do this before I'm 30. And I just thought, everyone's telling it's a numbers game. people you meet, the more chance that someone's going to be the one. So I was going on all these dates and it was exhausting and you're right. The mindset was I really wanted to find my partner. And then when I let go of that and I did turn 30 and I was single and I realized actually it was okay slash actually better than okay. Yeah. Fine. I was like I've looked back and I thought, oh gosh, that was so silly. But at the time it was very real in my mind.

mind. Yeah, and I think you have to have some like compassion for that, don't you? Like, like, we go back to the conditioning. Like, of course we're going to feel like that because we've grown up thinking that, oh my God, by 30, you have to have all your shit together. And if it's not like having your shit together, if life doesn't feel like that, then of course you're going to feel like you're failing. But it's taking that pressure off and like give yourself some credit for, you know, jumping on a call with me, doing that work, making those choices, making those small steps to sort of change that narrative for yourself

and look where you are now. Exactly. Talking about it on a podcast which you created. Literally, I created this podcast this year and I think working with you, maybe change my mindset to what can I do in my life

taking relationships out of it instead? That is, you know, people in relationships, that can't be the only source of your choice. You know what I mean? It's a big partner. but you still need to have other things in life that you enjoy and have an interest. So bearing your identity, isn't it, I guess?

Like keeping your own identity and, you know, having that joy building your own life around, like regardless of your relationship status. Exactly. So it turned by mindset to be like, right, what do I want to do outside of having a relationship? What else can bring me joy? And that's been great. And now when I have dated this year, it has been a completely different mindset. therefore it's been way more enjoyable and fun and I have met some people you know I hate

saying in real life but you know these days but yeah met people in the wild and that's been fun and even recently you know I'm dating at the moment I went on one first date with a guy and he messaged me to say oh actually I'm not in the right headspace to date right now I've realized things are too soon my ex absolutely that she did not affect me after Yeah, amazing. Because you did match from the outcome, I guess. And also I agree with him. If he's not in the space, the right space to date right now, thank you for telling me. Absolutely, yeah. Right. And I had a nice evening film at the time and that's it. So I think Yeah. Just to touch on that point about meeting someone in the wild as well, I think that's a

really important point because we do put so much pressure on the apps and there is this whole thing now at burnout, which is a very, very real thing. I think going back to the point of like throwing your energy into yourself, finding your own hobbies, finding your own joy, and getting out there and doing that and focusing on yourself, that is when you start meeting people in the wild and meeting people who are more aligned with you, meeting people who have got like the same interests and things like that. And I think that is definitely like the way to go. And, you know, yes, the apps are a great way of meeting people, but also they're not the only way. So I think it's like exploring all options. Yeah, so true. So, so true. And I wanted to ask you as well,

Nick, you mentioned you're a lawyer and you've now, you've got that feeling of, is this it? I want to do something else. And now you transitioned into still being a lawyer and doing your work, but also doing the coaching. How do you manage that? How do you juggle both those things? To be honest, I don't really know. I think, to be honest, when I'm doing the coaching, It doesn't really feel like work because I'm so passionate about it. So I think that is like a big driver for me. And, you know, I was in my day job, I was waking up with that. Is this it feeling really unhappy?

And then I found the coaching. And because I've got that on the side, it now helps me in the day job because I don't, I actually feel quite like really fulfilled now. So actually I can do the day job and this on the side. But it is, I'm slowly transitioning to do the coaching. So I'm dropping my hours to sort of building the coaching because it's, growing quite nicely. But I think it just comes back to because, you know, it's my passion. So I make time for it. But also have to be very, I have to have boundaries because I've also got

a life as well that I have to, you know, have my downtime as well and fit my exercise in, fit the steps in, fit all this stuff in that we should be doing in our 30s to thrive or whatever it is. But yeah, so it's having boundaries and just coming back to that passion, I think. Yeah. No, it's amazing. really inspiring. Last week's episode spoke to Fiona who quit her job full time.

So brave, so bold. And she's given herself a deadline. It's not like if anything, she can go back and get a job. So it's fine. But I think the move that you've made is really bold as well in that. I am going to go for this.

And I'm going to put all of this stuff on Instagram and I'm going to be a singles empowerment coach and you know I kind of want how do you find that as well with people at work like do they say anything do you keep like two lives separate I don't well a good question um I went through my own journey at the beginning of my coaching so you know obviously never really used to speak about being single online or anything like that obviously I was single at the time but I think I had to go through my own mindset shifts around being able to talk about it and the more I did that work around actually seeing it is like I'm not ashamed about it and the more I did that the more I did the work on that that's when I sort of

I started owning it and actually I became really confident in putting stuff out but it was a shift for me because you know it was hard to start talking about it because you do have that little voice even as a coach you have that voice saying are people actually interested in this like can I really talk about being single? But then when I started getting the engagement and people being, you know, relating to what I was saying, that gives you the sort of encouragement to talk more about it and then it's just sort of growing from there. But in terms of, I said I own it in every part of my life, to be honest, because I think, you know, you have to be behind your passion and when it is your passion, like why wouldn't you want to own it in every bit of your life? And

I think when I'm on work calls I would probably say I'm a confidence and mindset coach and I generally help single women but I wouldn't go into like the details but I very much open and own it because because they are the uncomfortable conversations and when you start having those uncomfortable conversations that is when you start changing the narrative I think so yeah I do it was difficult at first to start talking about in different circles and at first when I first started training, I literally said to my friends, right, I'm just trying to become a coach, but don't tell anyone because this is just going to be something that I do in the background to make me feel, like to make me feel better. And now look where we are.

So, yeah, what a journey. Yeah, it's amazing. And again, I could relate to what you're saying there, even with the podcast where I've put out episode one, help I've been on over 100 first eight. I don't care anymore. I don't give a doubt. Once you've done it and you have put it out there. Absolutely. Anyway, it literally just felt like a judgment.

I don't care. And it's about coming back to your why, isn't it? Like, why are you doing this? And keeping coming back to that, that voice, that nudge that's telling you to do something and not listening to that inner critic that's saying, oh, no, you can't do that. What all people think? Like, it's about challenging that and actually listening to that, you're coming back to your why. Exactly. I've done it because it's my truth. And I thought it was an interesting topic to speak about. It's a conversation point about dating today. Again, I think very much depends where you live. But in London, I think it's very possible and normal to go on that many dates. I'll say normal.

Oh, your life's taking you. But with dating, I think it is the apps. If I'll meet all those people just naturally in the wild, I think that'd be quite hard. Do you know what I mean? yeah yeah yeah how it is now with the apps it kind of makes it easier to just get a date or to meet is that date you know good quality yeah very but anyway like I said that's my truth and I don't mind putting it out there yeah keep on sharing it keep on sharing it yeah even on the apps you know I went on a date recently someone and he heard the podcast and he was like oh 100 first dates i was like yeah i have like and guess what we still had a date it's fine it doesn't well maybe it will put some people off and again that's fine because it'll put both it will put the wrong people off like and it will attract the right people because the right people will see that

actually there's confidence behind that there's confidence behind you putting that out there and actually the right people will be impressed by that i think so this is about coming back to being our authentic selves, isn't it? And that is, when you start being true to who you are, that's when you start attracting the right people. Yeah, I've connected with people, men and women that have told me they completely relate to that. So, yeah, it's about owning your experience. Absolutely. Anyway, so I love that about you. And can I ask as well, what do you love most about your work as being singles empowerment coach? What I love most? Oh, there's so many things.

What I love most is seeing the transformation in women that I've worked with because a lot of women come to me feeling, you know, struggling with the same kind of, I see myself in them, like back when I was in my 30s, you know, struggling with that comparison and really shrinking themselves and overthinking and actually, you know, chipping away at their confidence. And then when we start doing the work and you start seeing the transformation, I had one lady. who was off work with stress. She was worrying about like where she was in life and a path. And the difference to now and like the peace that she has and the piece that, you know, the women that I generally work with have, when they start, you know, tuning into themselves, doing the mindset work, building that self-trust, stop pushing themselves outside the comfort zones, you know, filling their own cuff

rather than sort of chasing that external validation. And it's just such a life-changing. experience and I think seeing so yeah that's what I love most seeing the difference in the women and the freedom that they're starting to create for themselves so but there's so many different things like I feel like I've got a membership at the minute which I'll talk about anyone but I feel like I'm in a little club and it's like these women who are just go-getters and they want they want more for themselves like they know there's more and they're willing to invest in themselves because what an opportunity it is in your being single to have this time

to invest in yourself. So I love it when, yeah, women say yes to themselves and really use this as an opportunity. So, yeah, so many things. But I think they're my key, my key ones that I love about the work that I do. Love that. And I could see you light up there absolutely as talking about that. And you mentioned your membership there. Let's talk about this. What is coming up for coaching with Nick? How can people connect with you? Yeah, what's on horizon? So, yeah, there's a lot of things actually. I'm going through a bit of a transition period at the minute. So I've got my redefined membership. So my brand is redefined. So because it's all about redefining love, redefining happiness, redefining success, redefining like what this time of your life gets to mean.

So I've got a membership at the minute with some amazing women in it. And, you know, they're all from different walks of life. So different ages. Some have gone through sort of separations. you know, some, you know, just all really great women doing things, wanting more for themselves. So we have monthly coaching calls. We've got a boot club. We've got sort of a set of challenges. Every month we have a theme. And we've got a challenge coming up actually in November because I feel like at this time of the year in November, October time, in the darker months, it's so hard to stay motivated.

And, you know, we let things slip, don't we? and I'm determined for myself not to let things slip. So I've set myself a little challenge for this month. So I've got the girls involved as well. So we're doing that as our sort of November pick me up. So it's called the Redefined 30. So challenges every day for 30 days. So we have little challenges like that.

And then we've got sort of a WhatsApp chat as well where we literally celebrate the wins on a Friday. And like just share things like share the wins but also share the challenging stuff. And we keep each other grounded. and, you know, I coached them through those wobbles and stuff. So it's just a really nice community that I'm building because one of my visions for this year was community and bringing women together because I think once you start connecting women with women

who are on sort of a similar path as you, that's when you start thinking, actually, there's nothing wrong with where I'm at. And then you start being inspired and to see them all being inspired by each other and, yeah, pushing themselves outside this comfort zones like we did a solo date to challenge, the other month and that was great to see them all getting out there and feeling great for it.

So it's a really nice little community. So that's called the Redefined Membership. So if you're interested in that, let me know. And then I do one-to-ones as well. I've got a one-to-one program launching soon. So watch the space for that. And then I do events, in-person events. So it's all about getting women together. I've got a sunrise war coming up in a few weeks. So yeah, really, really sort of nice community building. And I'm hoping to do a retreat next year. So that's quite big for me to put that out there. But I'm saying it.

I'm standing by it. So, yeah, I'm going to be doing sort of a weekend's like cozy vibe somewhere with a bit of coaching, with a bit of yoga, nice food, walks, all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, lots of excited things coming up. The retreat sounds amazing. I'm so happy you put that out there. I think, yeah, you absolutely need to do that. And yeah, thanks for showing about the redefined membership.

I think that is so powerful. I want to say I'm so proud of what you've created. Oh, thank you. I think that is the key thing. Something that when you're single, you might be yearning for or you might miss about a relationship is that support system. Yeah, absolutely. I think a feeling sometimes when you're single is that, oh, who do I talk to about my day,

per se? Who's going to care about the minutiae of my day or my wins or whatever? and, you know, so being part of this network and this community where you've got these check-ins and you're sharing the highs and the lows, you don't need a relationship. When you've got a community of amazing women, really tough. Yeah, that's exactly it. And I have guests coming on as well. So we've got a moon workshop coming up next month, I think it is, you know, to learn about, like,

the phases of the moon, something that's really helped me on my journey that I think the girls will be really interested in. yeah so it's all about basically you know connecting with like-minded women find a new interest finding new hobbies and push yourself outside your comfort zone and it's all you know that's what this membership is all about so rewriting the narrative I guess is is what we're doing and I feel like it's a lovely I feel like it's a club like it's a movement of women doing things differently and they've each they've all got their own individual like challenges and but we all come together and they you know they come on that call not really

feeling like they needed, but then actually, like, coming off a call being like, actually, I really needed that and didn't even know it. So it's like, it's a really lovely, lovely space. And I'm really proud of what it's becoming. Yeah, so important. I had that realization myself when I went to I B for So. So I went to my beef with group of friends, had the best time ever. And I thought, I'm going back.

And I just went. And when I was out there, I connected with other girls, women, similar age to me, single and we had an amazing meal with these ladies yeah amazing that connection of you you get this feeling that I'm going through as well yeah there's really quite like that that connection there is there I think when you're I think that's so important as well when you've got like a lot of friends around you who are in different paths and relationships etc like there's nothing like connecting with women who are who get it so important it really it allows So what you were saying about just doing things that you enjoy, I went to Ibiza back by myself, so I thought, just going, that's what I enjoy.

And then naturally, what happened is I just connected with people that I was meant to connect with when I was left. And I love the trip. I love music. I love dancing. So I love the whole thing. But what like meant so much to me and that I'll probably carry with me forever is when I think about this one particular meal that had with these ladies. And we just had a really. really good chat about what it's like being single. I say good chats. It's not all, it's terrible. It was more just that shared experience. And what like a great thing to do to just be able to just take yourself off to Ibiza? Because you can. Like it's amazing. I did a similar trip last year to Ibiza. It was very much a chilled one. But actually, imagine if your hands have had that courage to just say yes to yourself. Like all those experience that you would have denied yourself but actually instead you chose to just do it anyway because I'm sure you had those

what you tell me did you have like those thoughts of oh should I be doing this or maybe soon go and it's that like in a critic isn't it it's challenging that yeah what an amazing thing to do for yourself yeah exactly I booked the flights I booked the hotel and then I thought oh I can always cancel it you know but what actually really helped me well what in the particular mindset, my uncle passed away and he loved music and I thought to myself as well, like, you know, after he passed and his funeral and I think, you're like, when you'll get older, he wouldn't be sitting there in older age thinking, I wish that I didn't go out as much. I wish that I went out every single time you could so that I was like, do you know what,

I'm young, I'm 30, I'm free, why would I not just go and do it? I love that approach. And that is a question that I ask a lot in my one-to-ones in terms of what would your 90-year-old self do? Like, what would she want to look back on and think, like, wow, I did that. Like, you don't want to look back and think, oh, I wish I'd have done that. Like, you just go for it. Love it. I'm going to ask one last question, Nick. Yeah, go for it. If you could give one piece of advice to anyone out there that is single right now to help change

their mindset or improve their life? Or, yeah, what piece of advice did you give? Oh, that is such a big question. Okay, so my one piece of advice is that your thoughts are not facts. So we tell ourselves all these stories. I think when you're single in terms of I'm behind, I'm not enough. And there is always a belief that keeps you stuck. But I think the one piece of advice that I want for you to take away with you is that those thoughts aren't facts. and you have to challenge them, you have to say, is this true? Or is it just, you know, a thought that I'm creating for myself? And it's all these stories.

And once you start changing the stories, that is when you start attracting, you know, the opportunities and the right people and the experiences and the joy and all of that kind of stuff. But it is about what you tell yourself and those stories. So once you start changing those narratives, like if you tell yourself, I did a birthday post about this the other week. And if you tell yourself that, you know, oh, this is going to be rubbish and going to this place single is going to be crap, of course it's going to be crap because you're telling yourself that. And your brain then looks for all the reasons why it's rubbish. But if you start telling yourself, actually, I get to do this and changing that little, it's that little shift of I have to, but change that narrative of actually I get to. And then you start changing that perspective. That is when everything shifts. So, yeah, the whole idea. Well, the whole, the advice that thoughts are not facts is so key. And I think that is at the heart of everything that I do, really.

Such powerful advice. Thank you. And I lied there, actually. I said one last question. I've got one more, which is, will you answer some listener dilemmas with me? Absolutely, yeah. Let's go for it. Right.

Let's get on to the listener dilemmas. Bear with me whilst I pull them up. Okay. Hey, Escham, looking for your thoughts on what you would do in this situation. So, is it ever a good idea to get back with your ex? My ex and I, we were together for three and a half years, we lived together for two and we're now both in our early 30s. We just kind of brought each other down because we weren't in a good place mentally. We still love and care for each other. And we're still love and care for each other. and we message nearly every day. He initiates these messages most of the time. We have calls, we've had dinner, we've gone on walks, etc. We're having dinner soon. I know he loves me and I love him, but this is all as friends.

Am I being stupid? What should I do? Look, first of all, I think you are in a relationship. That's what I want to say. What are your thoughts, Nick? think in terms of getting back with an ex, I think it can work. I don't feel like there's, you know, a one size fits all. I think it all comes down to your circumstances. Like I've got friends who split up and then they've been happily married now for, you know, over 10 years. And I think

it can, I think it can work. But ultimately, I think it comes down to, you know, you've got to ask yourself, is it, are you sort of staying in that situation from a place of like being comfortable and safe? Or are you genuinely, like, in love with this person? And I think that is, like, at the heart of the question, really. You know, how do you feel of spending the rest of your life with this person? Like, I think it's really about tuning into your intuition and knowing whether you're sort of excited by the prospect of, you know, getting back together. Or, you know, is it for a place of fear of being alone because I think it comes back to that narrative of like once you can do life solo like you can do anything so I think that's a really important question but yeah I think

it's a very a very real situation that I think a lot of women find themselves in and yeah that would that would be my initial thoughts no that is such an important thing yeah for this listener do you think about why are you still talking to death every day? That is something to figure out and maybe you would need a coach to talk that through. Sometimes you talk to your friends, one's biased, everyone's got an opinion. If you go and talk to someone independent from the situation, they can really figure out you're still talking to them. Is it you're in love and you're right for each other? Also kind of examining properly like, yeah, why did you break up? Like what wasn't working? What's going to be different now?

And I'm not going to like, sorry, go on. I was just going to say, I think that's exactly it. Like, I used to be so guilty of this in terms of getting everyone else's opinion, but no one else has lived in your life. So you are the only one that knows these answers and knows what's right for you. So it is about tuning into that intuition, tune into your gut feelings. You know, how does your body react when you think about like going like long term with this person? and how does, literally, how does your body reacts, you know, in terms of like what marriage looks like

and all things like that. But, yeah, that is the work that we can do as coaches, because as coaches, we don't give advice. We help you get the solution yourself through digging deeper and, yeah, through provoking self-awareness, I guess. So, yeah, I don't think anyone can give you the answer. It's about getting to answer yourself. Absolutely. And like I said, I'm not going to lie, my first reaction when I read this was you are together, you know, what you're talking about? Should we get back together? You have calls. You talk every day. You have dinner together. You go and walk. What is the, what is different there from being in a relationship? You know. Yeah. I actually had a very similar situation with a very long-term friend of mine. And we were doing all of those things. but actually the connection wasn't really there.

So is the spark there? Is there, yes, you're doing all these things, a relationship should be on paper, but is there a spark? Like, spark is not everything, but it's a big thing. It turns a friendship into a, you know, a romantic relationship.

So I think maybe that's a question to ask as well. Exactly. Are you doing it because it's habit and you're used to a person and it's comfort? But what I've not got from this message is a timeframe. I don't know when exactly you broke up and when you've been doing these calls and all this stuff because the one thing people always say about breakups

that it is really hard to follow, but it does work, is you need to have a complete no contact period. Then afterwards, maybe you can resume, but there needs to be a time. And from this message, I'm not sure if you ever have gone through that no contact period, did you go through it? and now you've reconnected, I'm not sure.

And, yeah, you're not being stupid. It is possible to get back to your ex. But like you say, you need to figure out, are you doing it for the right reasons? What's going to be different this time? You mentioned last time it wasn't working because you guys both weren't feeling good and you were kind of bringing each other down. So like both, what's going to be different this time to make that long? Yeah. Yeah, I think what you just said about that cut off as well.

I think that's so important because, that is that space to be with your thoughts rather than having like the noise of of the other person and everyone else like it's having that space to actually really think about what it is that you want um so yeah i think that break if you haven't had that i think that's really important yeah and i say to anyone listening out there do you agree with what me and nick have said if you ever got back with an ex has it worked let us know your thoughts please write in help I swiped right at gmail.com if you want to email me or just DM me on Instagram help I swiped right on Insta. I would love to hear your

sort of thoughts as well on getting back with an X and I might put a little box on Instagram and kind of get everyone's thoughts as well. Yeah. It's a big topic. Yeah. I love that question to be honest. Yeah. No, and it's relatable. It's relatable as well. I think I'm people of that thing after we get back, you know, so it's a big one. Let me know what you do as well, listener, write in and answer my questions. Thank you. Yeah, it'd be interesting to study the outcome. Yeah, the next dilemma I've got, this person has actually put in a bit more detail here about timelines. Okay.

I always love this. Right. Hey, Esther, I wanted to know what you think about dating someone who is going through a divorce and the divorce isn't finalised yet. I've gone on a few dates of this guy and I really like him. He's told me that his marriage struggled for a few years, but he's only moved out five months ago. So they're separated and they're going through the process of divorce proceedings. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because my last relationship ended five months ago as well. And so I feel ready for dating so I can kind of believe that he might feel ready for dating as well. Even so, I'm really worried that I might get caught up in drama with his ex-wife, especially as they've got a kid together.

It sounds like they've got a good co-parenting relationship and he's not said anything negative about her. So maybe this fear is unfounded. But I've not been in this position before with dating someone that's going through a divorce. So I just wanted to hear what you think about this. And if you had any tips or advice for me. Oh, that's an interesting one. Firstly, I think it's a really good green flag that he's not sort of, slagging off his ex. I feel like that's really positive. In terms of, like, Luke, we're all

getting to that age where we've all, you know, got baggage or we've all got past relationships. We've all got our stuff going on. So I think, you know, it's not, it shouldn't be a reason to sort of call things off just because he's going through what he's going through. I think if you've got a really good connection, I think it, you know, pursue that connection and like nurture it and like get to knowing more like there's no like there's no rush for these things either you know going through a divorce is huge so I think it's just about not rushing it and allowing you both of you time to adjust this new life you know even being single for six months you know that's not a long time either so I guess it's can you just pursue it but without that pressure without that pressure

for it to be something, you know, you don't have to go all in. You can just sort of slowly get to know each other and see how things pan out without that, like, attachment to the outcome. Does that make sense? It does. And I've got to say, like, I'm glad you're here this week. Thank you for, you're giving more of a sort of coaching approach. And I think the listeners will really appreciate that because I'm now about to give an unhinged

balance answer so lock in i'm going to say don't do it girl do not do it but this is from personal experience i think this is it i'm getting flashbacks here so i'm not in coaching mode i'm in chaotic yeah so actually one of the reasons that led me to come to you last year nick was when the straw that broke the camel's back for me last year on all the many, many dates I went on was when I was dating someone that was divorce and literally them getting flashbacks reading this message because not the same situation,

the guy I was dating, it was a bit of a different timeline, but nonetheless, the crux of it was that on the first day, we met from Hinge, and on the first day he told me he was divorced, and I was a bit like, oh, okay, this is a bit different, But like you say, entering that phase of life now, the young divorcee is entering the chat, they're in a dating pool, but it was my first time anyway, sort of dating a divorcee. Anyway, but I thought, that's fine. It sort of was a wake-up call to me of like, wow, this is it now. Like, I'm getting on in life. These are the dating pool. Anyway, I moved on. We keep dating and then it comes out, oh, we're actually still technically married, but, you know, obviously I'm not a lawyer. only now through dating him have I realised wow divorce has taken really long time

going through I didn't know that until I was still a bit like okay fair enough like I didn't really know how long that took obviously they were separated everything was kind of being filed but it was a process but looking back at the situation I personally realised that I personally wish that I actually kind of didn't bother and I think I should have waited

until, well, this man full stop. Maybe I just didn't have dated him. But in general, I think in the situation I was in updating this man, he was not over his ex. He kept telling me he was. He kept telling me it was all processed. But when I look back, he was not ready to date. And he was still processing things.

Like, I'm sure he felt better than how he was feeling, you know, in the past. But looking back, actually, whether he was. realized it or not, he was not fully over it. It's a massive thing to get over, getting divorced as well. He was not expecting it. I think it is traumatic. And so, yeah, for me, dating someone who the divorce isn't finalised and they technically are still married despite being separated, I would not do that again. And that's just from where I've been buried in the past. And so this reader. This person's got a kid as well. It was only, he's only moved out five months ago. Tred. Just sort of like add to that as well. Like I sort of had a similar experience myself in terms of a past

relationship where there was a lot of baggage and actually it became, I can now very much see at the time that it wasn't right and things weren't how they should be in terms of him like moving on or whatever. but actually that breaker led me to where I am now because it was that breaker that I was like I couldn't let things carry on as they were I knew that I deserved better as I walked away but that was when I felt lost and that was when I felt stuck and then that's where I started do my own mindset work and actually I think every failed relationship is or failed data whatever is a lesson so I think if you can go into it with like a open minds and like be detached from the outcome and just take it steady and just learn being aware

that like yes it might not go the way you plan but also being open to love because that's what we have to be isn't it if we want to sort of find someone but it's I think really does come back to that self-trust and knowing that you can trust that gut instinct if something if something does start to feel off if you start to feel like actually he's not over it or he's not where he should be, you've got to trust that instinct. And I think if you can go into it with that approach, then yes, but it's just having caution and having your boundaries and trusting yourself to walk away if you sort of, if you need to essentially. That is so true. I'm actually so weird, Nick, because same view, like I said, that experience, like the

horse guy for some reason, despite the myriad of dates I won in last year, that was somehow the straw that broke the camel's back. Yeah, we stopped dating and that led me to reach out to you and meet with you. And again, it changed my life. It changed my perspective. So I think that's so true. So you always learn about yourself from relationships. Absolutely. Yeah. I hope that's helped to this listener. We've a bit of mixed advice there, but hopefully some things for you to think about. and please yeah let me know how you get on okay we're going to end the episode here i want to say nick thank you so much especially for dilemmas thank you because you gave some quite balanced thoughtful advice so thank you for your help it's been so good chatting with you and a shout

out to oh sorry go ahead yeah i was just going to say it's been like honestly it's so nice to come on and chat to you and have these conversations because i think together we are like changing this narrative around being single and I feel like if hopefully if anyone's listening to this that is like feeling a bit wobbly about it I'm hoping that they could take a lot from this so yeah thank you so much for having me on I've really enjoyed it thank you for the conversation hope everyone listening enjoyed as well please write in and a reminder guys I'll put some social media and in the show notes but you can follow Nick on Instagram coaching with Nick on Insta and that's where you can learn about all of Nick's fantastic coaching offerings and she also

posts a lot of great content and spam so I try thank you though thanks so much for listening and I'll see you all next Sunday