Her Discussions by Dr Faye - Sex Expert: The Sex Ed Lesson Every Girl Should Have by 25

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

Dr Tara is a leading sex and relationships expert on Celebs Go Dating, a TED speaker, and featured in Cosmopolitan.In this episode, we’ll explore all about libido, how to foster connection and novelty in long-term relationships and even ethical non-monogamy. What you’ll learn:💕 1 question every couple should ask themselves✨ The £5 item to bring more novelty into your relationship💬 3 tips to fix communication issues with your partner🌸 what a ‘normal’ libido actually looks like👀 3 checkboxes to help you vet someoneBut first, please don’t forget to subscribe and share, it really helps us to grow this podcast.Resources & links mentioned:@luvbites.coDr Tara's book: https://www.waterstones.com/book/how-do-you-like-it/tara-suwinyattichaiporn/9781419776434Links to subscribe / follow:Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/her-discussions-by-dr-faye/id1835829612Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/5viLYizHD4Zy6J42iqtPRoCan I ask you a BIG favour? 💙Please leave a review or rating. It helps us grow the podcast and bring you more amazing guests.Share with someone who needs this; it might help them live a happier, healthier life. Follow us on social media or join the broadcast channel to send us your questions for our guests. I'll leave the link here: https://www.instagram.com/channel/AbY4liwxlLnewx4H/?igsh=MWhuaXFweGtucTB3cA== https://www.instagram.com/channel/AbY4liwxlLnewx4H/?igsh=MWhuaXFweGtucTB3cA==🛑 Disclaimers:Opinions are my own. This content is for educational / entertainment purposes and not medical or financial advice.

Gold diggers using you for money. They don't like you. They don't care for you. If you're always struggling with money, you're always in survival mode. And therefore, no room to think about intimacy. Stress is the number one libido killer. Dr. Tara is a leading sex and relationships expert on celebs go dating. She's featured in Cosmopolitan and she has done a TED talk.

But today, she is going to be speaking on her discussions podcast, all about libido, how to foster connection and novelty. in long-term relationships and even ethical non-monogamy. Orgasms give me the best ROI. It takes me five minutes to be. And then I'm in good mood all day. You know, I just exude a much better energy. And I say this, like, I have no shame.

Women are still looking for men that can somewhat provide. You can't technically die from not having sex. Are there any things that really worry you a lot? What worries me a lot is... But before we get into the conversation, please don't forget to subscribe or leave a five-star review. It really, really helps us keep bringing you guests that help you live a happier, healthier life. Thank you. Hi, I'm Dr. Tara and you're listening to her discussions podcast.

Dr. Tara, our community sent in so many questions for you. I was hoping you'd be able to explain what is a sexologist and what led you to being a sexologist? A sexologist is someone who studies, teaches, and work in the realm of human sexuality. And this can be work in any type and shape and form. So it can be a researcher of human sexuality. It can be someone that speaks on stages about human sexuality. It can be someone that works with clients one-on-one with couples. It can be people that write books about human sexuality.

So there's many different, I guess, modalities of communicating about human sexuality, but I tend to do all of them. Nice. Yeah. And what led you to being a sexologist? You know, it's quite like an interesting stumble upon. But I'm originally from Bangkok, Thailand. Have you been to Thailand? I have been to Thailand. Yeah, loved Thailand.

Oh, where did you go? I did like six weeks, Bangkok, Kow, Kow. Six weeks. In Thailand. Yeah. Oh my gosh. What's up north? Chiang Mai.

Chiang Mai. Yeah. Ketal. Yeah, did a big old trip. Really love Thailand. I'm learning now that British people love Thailand. Like, there's so many people going every year. But yeah, that's the environment that I grew up in.

I actually grew up very religious. My parents were both like extreme Buddhists. We would go to the temple, you know, three, four times a week. And then I also went to an all-girls Catholic school. growing up. I like telling that story because I want people to understand like the where I come from and how I even, if I'm able to get to the spot where I'm at now, anyone can in terms of embracing your sexuality and being sexually liberated. So that's how I grew up and then I moved to the United States and that was sort of the first pivotal moment where I saw people of like different, you know,

genders and sexual orientations and sex shops. It was the first time that I went into a sex toy shop. And it was beautiful. It wasn't like a small, gritty place. It was actually a big store. It kind of looked like a little apple store in West Hollywood. And people were just shopping and everyone looked happy. And then, you know, I just remember like, oh, wow.

Like, why are we all like hiding about these things or talking? When we talk about these things, why are we whispering? When it can just be. so nice and liberated. But that was just like sort of a tickle. Then I was studying in my, in my master's, I got my master's in in a personal relationship, it's particularly looking at romantic relationships. And I remember reading an article that said that the most important thing in life, and it's a 70-year Harvard study, the most important thing in life is your relationships. It's what make life worthwhile and, you know, the meaningful experience of being a human.

So I was just, oh, wow, like, you know, I wanted to study more of that. So I went to get my PhD. It took four years to get my PhD. And during my PhD, I learned that every single person will experience a sex issue at some point in their lives. Every single person. So if you're single, you may experience. experience sexual anxiety, sexual dissatisfaction, fear of initiation, trauma from your past, sexual trauma.

Or if you're in a partnership, as a couple, you may experience sexual dissatisfaction, sexual desire discrepancy, where one person wants more sex than the other. And just there's sexual communication breakdowns. there's so many potential issues that one can have and because sex is so hard to talk about, it's actually the most universal problem in the world that everyone will experience. And once I learned that,

I was like, oh my God, I want to be a part of a solution to such a big universal problem. And so once I finish my PhD, all of my research and my teaching at a university has always been about sexual communication. That's incredible. And it's interesting that it's probably,

one of the most universal issues and maybe the least talked about or when it is talked about maybe not in the best ways. And then now you're filming on celebs go dating. That must be incredible being able to share almost these common issues and common challenges with such a huge, huge audience. Yeah. I mean, with celebrities too, it's good to show people that everybody has sex related issues or that they have lack of knowledge, right? lack of education. No one really have received proper sex education. Like, did you get proper comprehensive sex education in school?

My interesting women's health actually stems from my mum was one of the school nurses. And my mum used to do all the sex ed for all the schools around me. So I actually was very privileged that my mum was always very, I got pretty good sex ed because that was what my mum did basically for and it was really interesting one of my earliest memories is my mum comes pick me up at a dance class and one of my friends point into my mum going oh my god your mum taught me about bowners which was more suffying like probably the most embarrassing moment but she always made sure the boys and the girls were together because she wanted the boys to know about all the things going on with women's bodies and the girls to know all the things

that were going on with boys bodies however I in my master's, they asked us like everyone, you know, how many sex ed lessons you had. And I think people said three, you know, throughout 14 years of education, everyone said three. So I've been lucky. But yeah, sex ed is awfully done, especially in this country. Oh, I mean, in America, people didn't even have sex education. A lot of schools have zero sex education, especially in certain parts of America that is based on, like, purity, culture. And it's really religious.

It's not even brought up because it's not appropriate to talk about at that age. Like, you're supposed to have sex after you get married. So why talk about it in, like, high school? So a lot of people that I teach in the university actually have never had any sort of education about human sexuality. Very blank. They have no knowledge whatsoever. So, you know, for me, like being on celebs go dating, it's an opportunity to show millions and millions of viewers. Like, here's how you can have these conversations.

I remember vividly one season we had Helen Flanagan and her boyfriend on it. And I was talking to them about sexual compatibility and talking about like what is her sexual profile, which is my sex personality test. and then what is his sexual profile? And then talk about how even though they don't score similarly, how can you then have a conversation? What types of sexual activities can you engage in so that you can close that gap? Because they are sexually incompatible based on the scores. However, there are lots of things you can do to close that gap.

So I was able to have that whole conversation about them as a couple and, you know, her being a celebrity, but she's such a good sport. Like she was able to have all this conversation. which was you so curious to learn more. It was really a lovely moment to show audience. Like this is how you have a conversation. I hope you do at home as well. The community questions,

so many of the questions of discrepancy in sex drive or, you know, those communication issues, probably between people who love each other a lot, but there is just that block. So that's what advice would you give to those people? I would say first off, you need to understand how, you get horny.

V. Yeah. When people think of the term sex drive, sexual desire or sexual or sex drive, sex drive, sexual desire, or libido. Yeah. They use it interchangeably. Yeah. Like they're the same thing, right? Often medical doctor would use the term libido.

Sex drive has just been in our culture and pop culture forever. But the actual term that sexologists and sex therapists tend to use is sexual desire. And the reason why is because sex is important, but it's not necessarily a drive per se. Because a drive is when you don't get it, you die. Like eating, drinking water and sleep. Like hunger is a real drive. Because when you don't eat for a long, long time, you can die of hunger and malnutrition. But you can't take it.

technically die from not having sex. So sex drive, it's okay to say. It's just not necessarily accurate. Now, sexual desire just means wanting to have sex, aka horny. Like you get horny wanting to have sex. Now, some people feel like they have a low, moderate, or high sexual desire depending on how they respond to different cues. I want everybody to understand. Not everyone can just get horny like that. That particular type of sex drive or sexual desire is called spontaneous desire. And have you talked about this before?

I think it's interesting the whole spontaneous desire thing because I think that that is like a very movie, what people see in the movies. Yeah. So spontaneous sexual. desire means that you can get horny really fast and you can get aroused really fast. So arousal is how your body and your brain is connected and how your body responds to your brain. So if you get wet or if you get hard, that's arousal, right? So for some people that have spontaneous desire, they have the wanting first and then their arousal comes soon after. So

a lot of men have spontaneous desire where they might see their power. partner get naked and they get a heart on, an erection, and then they want the sex, right? Yeah. So that's a very spontaneous thing to have. Some women have it too. Majority of them is men. Yeah. A lot of women have what is called responsive sexual desire, which is a completely different

system of sex drive. It's not like you just immediately see your partner get a heart on and you're like, oh, yeah, let's do it, right? Like you don't get like that. a response of someone with responsive sexual desire needs a lot of cues in order to respond to. So, you know, a respectful partner who, you know, maybe have been giving you for play all day, sort of like texting you during the day to tease or complimenting you all day or doing the chores or making sure the house is neat and cozy, lighting a candle, giving you a massage,

right? Like getting you in the mood. You need all these cues to respond to. Also, women don't necessarily get a lot of visual responses, meaning they're not like visual sexual partner. So you see a hard on, you don't get wet necessarily. You need like a physical touch, a massage, something in your ears. like, you know, compliment me or say something hot, dirty talk. That's what I find really interesting about. I don't. Your DMs are probably, you know, the filth that turns up in my DMs and it's often quite aggressive pictures of, you know, penises.

And I just think, what do you think this has achieved? These people are... What do you think that you've achieved with this? Do you think that this was exactly what I wanted to see in my DMs at Monday on 8am? It's awful. women respond differently to different things. Women are not sexually stimulated by visuals, typically. Like, yes, once the sex gets going, it's hot to see, you know, like veins in arms or, you know, your partner, like being really into it, yes.

But getting up to it, like, we're not necessarily visual versus men. Men are visual and that's why a lot of men love porn because porn is visual. Women tend to like audio porn, audio erotica or reading erotica because we love you. imagination. We love reading about it and it's hot and there's a lot of tension in the words or listening to erotica. That's why those erotica apps, they do so well with women. But yeah, we want everything else to be right. You know, no dirty dishes in the sink, chores are done, the room and the house smells good. Then like, yeah, then I'm more relaxed and ready to be in the mood and responding to your touch to me, then I can get horny and more aroused.

So I think this part of sexual knowledge, everyone should know because a lot of people come into my practice and go, well, my wife never want sex. And I go, well, like, tell me about what happens the hour before sex. I don't know. maybe we have dinner, you know, I'm like, okay, who cooked? She did, okay, and then, and then what else? Okay, oh, I have dinner, we, you know, clean up, maybe we turn on a show, watch like an hour of a show that we watch together, and then I'll start touching her and saying

you're beautiful, but she will be, I'm tired, like, I'm not, I'm just not feeling it, I'm not in the mood. She's like, I'm like, yeah, like, I wouldn't be either. And is it like that every day? Like well not every day but you know maybe five days a week That's sort of how things go I'm like okay Number one you know she's doing a lot of work

So there's no literally no mental room To be horny Number two There's no real foreplay isn't it Just touching her and say you're beautiful Like five minutes before sex is not real foreplay. It also, it screams ulterior motive.

Exactly. You need, women need a lot of affectionate touch that do not lead to sex. Lots of touch that just don't lead to sex just to show love. So that's the number two. And then number three, lack of novelty. If that's five days a week, she cooks dinner, we eat dinner, clean up, we watch TV, and then you want to enter her, like there's no room for, mystery, interest, excitement, novelty, nothing at all.

And I'm not saying you need to be traveling to, you know, Thailand in order to have novelty. Like, you can have novelty in the house, but which I can talk about later. But that's the thing. If you live with this script and you've been together, let's say, two years, three years, five years, like, don't wonder why she doesn't want to have sex. It's that those are the things that I just listed. It's not conducive for women to have high sexual desire in that context. There were a lot of questions about long-term relationships.

So we're definitely going to come on to them. But first of all, we've got our section, which is called buy or bye-bye. So I'm going to show you some products. Okay. And you are going to tell me whether you would buy these products or say bye to them. Okay. So first we have sexy lingerie. Bye.

Bye. Yeah. I love it. Great. way to visually change it up. Nice. That was an easy one. Next, Aphrodisiac foods. Bye-bye. I think, like, it's a bit of an old wife's tail.

Like, you have to eat so much of something to have it. If you really want that reaction, I think supplements might be better because it's concentrated. Interesting. I think we may have that a little bit later on. Vibrate's sex toys. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. And I'm Oprah. I'm like, you get a sex toy. You get a sex toy. It's sex toys are great for everybody, men and women. What would you say to maybe someone who does not, who feels a little bit apprehensive,

does not know what to start, where to start, maybe? If you're too apprehensive to go into a shop, go online and buy the simplest one. Like your first vibrator should be a clitoral vibrator and the simplest one, like only has three functions. And you won't be too apprehensive because sometimes nowadays you've seen some vibrators, they're so advanced. There's so many buttons. I think it can be intimidating.

So get a simple one. There are lots of them. Make sure that it's made of medical grade silicone. And it's waterproof. Maybe you want to use it in the shower because maybe that's the only place you can get peace and quiet. And then make sure that it's from a reputable brand. So see like the reviews.

Nice. That next. Erotic literature or audiobooks. Wow. We're like, we're sinking. Buy, definitely buy. I love reading erotic literature. Like I'm reading one right now called Lights Out and it's so hot and so taboo.

I love it. Nice. Do you have any like shops, apps that you recommend at all? I honestly just use Spotify. Nice. Yeah. Like, because I already have Spotify. So I just search for the ones that my friends recommend and I just listen to it on Spotify.

But if you want to also try, there's also like audio erotica apps that are called. all Quinn or Dipsy, and these are mainly tailored for women. Nice. Couples question card games. I love them. Bye. I think couples, long-term couples, need things that can bring in different sort of discussions, dialogue, and also need novelty.

And this is a cheaper way to bring in novelty into the relationship. Nice. Do you have any, you recommend that springs find at all? Oh, I mean, like, I have some. recommendations that's on Amazon that it's like on my Amazon storefront. It's cheap. It's like lots, like hundreds of questions in the card games. And Esther Perel has one as well.

That one's a bit deeper questions. So there are themed ones, right? Like there are sex ones. There are ones that are like for fun, like funny, like fun nights. And then there's like a serious discussion one. Nice. Arousal gels. Buy.

But you need to test it on your skin. first because I have recommended it to some of my clients that ended up was allergic to them. So it depends. I would say if you're interested by the smallest tube, try it on here or on here and see how it feels. Like try it on the most sensitive part of your body apart from your clitoris and see how it feels first, like a patch test. And if it's itchy or it feels burning, then don't use it. Unfortunately, it's just not for everyone. Nice.

Massage oils. Love them. I love getting a massage. Like a shoulder back ass massage. And foot massage, like really hot. I think oils or that sensual feeling can lead to better sex. Nice. Intimate hygiene products.

Oh, it's both. So it's by, good high quality ones, bye, bye to really poor quality ones. There's so many. there are ones that are really bad for you, like kills your pH. Also, never put soap inside your vagina. Like, you don't need to literally put soap on your finger and put it in. That literally kills the culture inside your vagina and the pH.

Outside's fine. And if you want the light soap that's like pH balanced and created by gynecologists, that's cool. But there is just a lot of low quality products out there to say bye-bye too. Yeah, UCI prevention supplements. Buy. I think a lot of people suffer UTI a lot, like regularly, especially if you're single dating and you're, you know, mingling.

Different penises have different like bacteria on them. Sometimes it's a bacteria that matches with yours and you're fine. And sometimes bacteria doesn't match with yours, then you're in trouble. So sometimes you get yeast infection, you can get BV. you can get UTI. So I think supplements that can prevent them, they're good. We have got so many community questions. One that I wanted to start with is,

is it normal to only feel sexual desire once a month? What actually is normal libido? I'm going to give you an unsatisfying answer because there's no normal libido. Take this example. If you identify as an asexual person, an asexual person has no sexual desire or very low sexual desire

and just is not interested in sex in general, then if you can have like a desire once a year and that would be normal because you're asexual. But if you don't identify as asexual and you have desire once a month, but you don't feel like it's a problem for your life or your relationship, then you're completely normal. However, if you feel like it's problematic,

we need to investigate why. If your why is, I just want to have more opportunities to connect, with my partner, that's a worthy why. But if your why is, well, everyone else have more sex than me, social comparison is not a good why. Yeah. So just investigate more deep down, like what is the actual problem?

Now, again, you can have low libido, moderate libido, high libido, not a problem unless it's a problem in your relationship. The next question I wanted to come on to, which I think will be really interesting from your perspective going to an all-girls school, was how do you think grown up? in separated gender schools impacts sexuality and exposure to sex? I don't think it's a good idea. Like, I would never send my kids to schools that are like all girls or all boys. Because it's not natural.

Like, the world is mixed. And if you've gone to an all-girl school up until you finish high school, like you're, what, 17, that's pretty crazy to not be exposed to boys or men at all. Even though they're like half the people in the world. I don't think it's great for your development. And I'm not a child psychology, but I've read enough psychology research to know that it's just not normal

to separate people that way. But how does it affect sexuality? I think when you're young and you're only surrounded by women, and this is my personal experience as well as professional research, when you're young, you are experimenting. and you have much fewer blinders because you haven't been exposed to the full society yet.

You're just in that little world. So when I was growing up, I thought it was a lesbian. I had two different girlfriends because, you know, I had a girlfriend when I was 12, when I had a girlfriend who was 13. I thought it was a lesbian because that's all we had. We were all dating other girls. But then once I went to high school in Finland and it was a co-ed school with boys and girls, I realized I like boys too.

So then I'm like, ooh, am I straight or am I by? I'm not sure. Do I still like girls? It causes a lot of confusion. So, yeah, I think that's how it can impact sexuality. The other way around, though, what the argument I've heard was that it protects people from having exposure to sex early in young age. Because if boys and girls are mixed and it's easy access to each other, then that encourages

them to have sex earlier. in younger age. However, my rebuttal to that would be, but if they have proper sex education and understand that they have the agency, they can make their own choices, they won't have sex too young, because then they would understand that it's their personal choice, not to be forced to do something. That's my point. Interesting. What do you think, when you look at like today's lonscape when it comes to sex relationships dating, are there any things that really worry you a lot? What worries me a lot is the division between men and women. Last year, I've seen a lot of articles and also podcasts of people talking about this division,

how men just get more divided and lonely and angry and blame a lot of things on women, how women, a lot of women tend to give the narrative of they hate men now. Like, you know, I hear young girls saying, like, this year, like, I'm all about, like, no men. I'm on a men fasting. And I'm not someone that will say, well, girls, you know, you need men because you don't. But at the same time, we do live in a society where division seems cooler than harmony. And I think that's wrong. Social media makes things so much more polarizing.

And I did a post about this recently where I think it was Stephen Bartlett was he had Chris Williamson on talking about the birth rate and then they had Dr. Kay as well talking about relationships with men and the in cell culture. And I did a post about it because I felt like there is this just really, really dividing narrative. And I have the most incredible like partner in the entire world. Like just such wonderful, wonderful, wonderful man. And it just makes me, it makes me sad because I think it's just pushing people away and do not get me wrong. I've had some awful experiences with men. I think that some of these conversations just encourage a lot of those backwards ideas about women. But there are also some really, really, really lovely forward thinking men out there as well.

So that's really interesting. Yeah, you've noticed the divide as well. We have the same concern. Yeah. And it's funny you brought up Stephen Bartlett and his podcast. because I do think that some of the discussions on there are problematic. You know, I love his work and I admire the entrepreneurship. Because as an entrepreneur as well, like that path is hard.

And how successful he gets is very inspiring. But at the same time, I think some of these discussions, especially when young men consume them and it's chopped up into small clips, you might not get the whole idea. It is scary for me to see. in cells saying that women are the problem and that they shouldn't have rights because look at in the past, women needed men because we couldn't even have a bank account

so divorce rate was slower. So often when I go on a podcast, people will ask me like, why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Why is it 50% divorce rate in the last, you know, let's say five to 10 years of society? Is it because of feminism? and I said, if divorce was allowed and that women could still have their own bank account

and job and thrive on their own back in the 50s, it would be the same rate. Yeah. Just because people weren't getting a divorce doesn't mean they were happy. A lot of people were not happy. They just couldn't get a divorce. That's why.

Not that women now have rights and they're picky. Like, we couldn't have done anything else. Our ancestors, female, ancestors had to be married to have land. And even then it wasn't theirs. It was their husbands. To have land, to have bank account, to have a life. So yeah, of course, people weren't getting divorced. Of course there's more divorce now because we can because now we're choosing happiness and not being a miserable person in a relationship. So that question just kind of irks me because it's like obviously not because women have rights. You gave the perfect example earlier when you said about the

man who's coming on to the woman who's trying to initiate sex in like half an hour, but then she's cooked dinner. Her nervous system can't relax because the dishes aren't done. And I think that a lot of the listeners, I'm sure will resonate with this is I grew up personally seeing my mum, she had a master's degree, she worked full time, but she was still the person who cooked dinner every night. She was still the person who knew where to pick me up, like what after school clubs that I needed picking up from or what I was doing, my friend's names, you know. Women have to do everything. The mental load is still placed on on women. And then I think, you know, I think this generation of women, we're like, we don't want that. We want to be career women, but we don't want to carry that

mental load. And actually, if we are expected to carry that mental load, that does take from the pot of energy that we have, the finite pot of energy that we have. And we don't have that energy for like sexual relationships. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you really have to audit the whole life in order to point out what are the parts that can contribute to a better sex life. You can't just say it's a sex problem because sex is rarely ever about sex. It's never about just the physical act of sex. Sex is about everything else. Sex is about respect in the relationship.

Sex is our emotional safety. Sex is about connection. Sex is about laughter. Have we been laughing? Have we had humor in the relationship? Playfulness. Sex is about responsibility. Sex is about effort.

Sex is about newness and novelty. There's so many other things. Sex is never just about penetration. That's like the last thing is about. And I think whenever I have a discussion with people, all I want people to understand is your sexual connection with yourself and your partner is extremely important

because you would exude the energy of confidence, high self-esteem, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Once that part is also intact, right, intact. When you are struggling sexually by yourself and with your partner, there's no connection. We're so sexually disconnect. It affects every part of your life, trust me. You will feel irritated with your partner.

Maybe you feel like it's out of the blue. Like, oh, just whatever he does, I'm just so irritated and annoyed. I know why. you haven't been sexually connected forever. Like, there's many different negative ramifications in your life that comes from lack of sexual connection with yourself and your partner. And that's why it's so important. I like to say that orgasms give me the best ROI. Nice.

Because it's true. Ever since I embraced my sexual empowerment and it's only been like, six, it's only been six years since I got a divorce from my first husband. So I got married in my 20s thinking, oh my God, like, you know, I'm getting old. I have to get married. So I literally married the first person that I matched on Tinder. Oh my gosh. My first husband.

And he was brilliant on paper. On paper, he had everything check box, check, check, check, check. Amazing man. And it still is. Just not for me. So when I got a divorce, I was so. so ashamed because at that point I was already a professor. So I was able to teach about sex. I was talking to talk, wasn't walking the walk. We were sexually incompatible. Like we did not have a good sex

drug. Like we didn't have a good sex life together. And that then became like a problem within me. So once we got a divorce, I was ashamed for a long time. But I also spent a whole year not only studying sex like what I used to, but doing all the practices. sexual meditation, tantric workshops, reading all the personal sex books, reading about history of like female sexuality, doing like mindful masturbation and pleasure mapping. So basically doing, not just study, doing all the sexual wellness activities and remedies. And I learned so much more than just reading research. I think that's why for me, whenever I do.

talk to another, let's say, a sex researcher. I'm interested to know the knowledge, but at the same time, I want to know, do you have a good sex life? Because I like listening to people who don't just talk to talk, but walk the walk. And ever since I've been on that journey for the last six years, I've met the love of my life. My husband, I have now embraced who I actually am. So embracing ethical non-monogamy. So I have my husband in L.A. and I have my boyfriend here in London. And I live this outwardly. Like, I hope, you know, everyone can see it and know how it's done

and all the communication and transparency and love within our relationship. I live authentically. I don't just talk to talk. I walk the walk. And I think it's really important for people to see. Dating culture, a lot of it is, you know, it's almost like a job interview. Like people go on these first dates and they pretend to be someone that they're not. So I think living authentically is just such a key take home that I think anyone can take away from this episode.

What I'm extremely keen to dig into is the ethical non-monogamy. That is so, so, so interesting to me. But before we get into that, I'm going to move on to one of our sections called Real or Not Real. I'm going to show you a social media clip. And I just want to hear what you think about it. And then we will come on to the ethical non-monogamy. When they did this big analysis of dating behavior, where they looked at 1.8 million online dating profiles across 20 different countries.

If you earned more, so if you had higher income, you are 255% more likely to get an indication of interest on these applications. And so I would love to live in a world where that wasn't the case, but it seems that women are still choosing men that earn much more money. And that expectation of therefore being the provider is so inherent in reproductive success as a man. Real? Fine. Yeah, I think it's real. You know, I also help a lot of women, older women in their 40s and 50s date. And what I find is whether it's Gen X, millennials, or Gen Z, women are still looking for men that can somewhat provide, maybe not fully like in the past, but it's not struggling financially. It's finances is still one of the major categories of evaluation, whether this is a good mate, a good partner,

a good someone to be interested in long term. And, you know, the research is right. And I think the personal experience that I have is with, you know, helping women is right as well. I would say there is a difference, though. between desiring a partner who is financially stable and financially literate versus being a gold digger. Because I think there's a lot of in-cells or angry single men

that think, oh, women are just like, women are bitches and they're just gold diggers. I'm like, because gold diggers don't even like you. Their gold diggers are using you for money. They don't like you. They don't care for you. Women who are interested in you, but also, want you to be sexually, as to be financially stable, wants a viable long-term relationship. In this economy, it's not viable to have one income unless the one income is extremely high.

In a normal relationship, you want dual income. Yeah. And you want your partner to be doing well in their own right. So I think when he said financially successful, I'm not sure how. they define it. Like, does it have to be, you know, over a million pounds a year? Or is it just like someone that makes like over 100K a year, right? It depends on the definition of each person. But I honestly have never met a woman, whether it's through networking or my clients or my students that say, I want a man that makes less than me. I found it really interesting

watching that clip. And there was another clip that he did where they were talking about like the biology or the psychology behind it. And I agree with maybe women look for more successful partners. But the psychology behind it, I disagreed with. They were kind of saying it was based on evolutionary and that sort of stuff, which might be the case. But I personally found when I was dating, whenever I dated people who were less successful than me, there was a much higher chance that they would feel emasculinated by my success.

And I think that when like that did change my perspective, not that I wanted, not that I wanted to look for a man that was necessarily like more successful than me. But I just wanted someone who wasn't going to try and tear me down and see my successes as their failure. And often that came from men who had like their own stuff going on and their own successes. Which so I think, yeah, it's interesting. which I don't often think has factored into the conversation.

It always seems to be put on women. Like women are looking for more financially successful men, not what are those, what are men's behavior that could be pushing women towards those people? And I'm also sick of like these really big celebrities talking about everything based on evolutionary theory. Yeah. Like, come on.

There's, you know, behavioral reasons, cultural reasons, societal reasons, religious reasons. There's so many different other reasons now, apart from evolutionary. Like so many women choose, happily choose, to not have kids, right? If it's all evolution, wouldn't they be in shambles? Wouldn't they be crying at home every day

not going to work for not having kids? No. If it's just evolution, wouldn't they every day think about having babies and spreading their seeds and making sure they have offspring? Not everything nowadays. has to be from evolutionary perspective

because I think we've moved on so much from that now that a lot of things are actually, I think it's cultural perspective. So a lot of times if you want explanations, I think sociocultural explanations make more sense nowadays in modern society. What you said is like, I don't want someone who is insecure

and then they would dim my life for being successful and thriving. financially, that makes sense. And that comes from sociocultural and psychological perspective, right? Because culturally, quote unquote, a man needs to be successful to be a man, right? Culturally, cultural narrative states. Like, you're not masculine unless you're a successful man because that's the only men you see on TV that are successful, right? like they wear the suits, they go to work, they make so much money, they're aggressive,

they make, like, you know, they make all the decisions. So then it makes other men who choose a different life. Maybe it's someone who's so passionate about music and is pursuing music rigorously and is so, you know, in awe of all of that and so talented, but maybe not yet hit the critical mass of making a lot of money. That can also be a very massive. successful man, just not the same financial outcomes. So yeah, I like what you said about, you know, how a lot of men that make less than you

tend to be more insecure and therefore you don't date them because then you don't want them to dim your light. I would say similarly, I've dated people. I would say my main attraction point is typically physical. And I say this, like, I have no shame. I say it among my friends. They're like, oh, my God, Tara, you're so shallow. I'm like, I have no shame.

My first thing is a physical point because to me, it's like if you take care of your body, it signals many other qualities that I like. So I'm first attracted to like physical, physical characteristic. And then next would be intellectual ability. So that comes out through conversation. So money, I investigate that way later. So for me, it's those two first. And if you're so, like, you know, you're so interesting to talk to,

you're funny, charismatic and you have a great body, I would also already be interested. Then I would investigate the money thing way later. It's not as important because now I know that you're a secure man who is interesting and has a lot to offer. But at the same time, I've like you dated someone that was so annoyed like every time I was like oh I got a brand deal he would be like oh another one instead of celebrating me I think there was a scene in sex in a city

have you ever watched that show love sex in the city yeah there was a um carry was dating an author named burger and he was so jealous of her success that he would be annoyed every time she like gets a deal or something so I think a lot of women are afraid of that yeah Yeah. It's interesting you use the example of like the maybe a musician who hasn't quite made it. And that's what I really, really, really hate about a lot of these conversations around what women find attractive as if women are just this one homogenous lump of who all think the exact same. Just as women. Yeah, exactly. Like all women want is money when actually like imagine if that musician who they hadn't had financial success, they just decided, do you know what? All women want money. So I'm going to get an office job. I'm going to climb the corporate ladder.

and I'm going to make money. And then they're going to go into a relationship, a sexual partnership, whatever, as a false version of themselves. Because also, you know, even you saying, like, I'm unashamedly attracted to people who are attractive. Like, that's okay. That's your personal preference and you're owning that. A lot of my friends make fun of me that I'm an old man.

What? Because, like, there's a stereotype that, like, older men dating younger women and they only care about physical attractiveness. It's not true. I do care about physical attractiveness, but I also care about intellectual connection. Yeah. But yeah, like I'm not ashamed to say, like, yeah,

I'm attracted first physically to people. And that's an important part for me. Like, I don't date anyone that don't have apps. Nice. Because to me, it signals other things, right? Like caring about your nutrition. So important to me. So it's just, yeah, like, it's, everyone is different and you're right.

Like, you're just saying, oh, all women, this, all men, that. That's just like, that's just a flaw. Like, that's generalization fallacy, right? Like, and not everyone is the same, obviously. And also, like, we're from different cultures. In my culture, it's, like, so different. For example, when I was getting a divorce, I was so ashamed. My mom was so ashamed.

My mom didn't talk to me for two weeks because she was so ashamed that I'm getting a divorce versus, you know, all my friends in America. Like, they're all divorced. Like, completely fine because it's an individualistic culture. You're not happy. pursue a divorce. It's okay, we understand. But in my culture, we don't understand.

No one gets a divorce. None of my parents' generation, like the other parents, none of them get a divorce, even though I know some of them are so miserable. So it's just culture, like, plays a long row. I think that's why I love anything that's happening. I also love investigating it from a cultural lens

of like why people do certain things. Yeah. But, you know, in terms of money, and how that's related to sex. So there's research that shows when a relationship, a couple, struggles with finances, it's correlated to sexual dissatisfaction

in that relationship as well. Really? So, yeah, like it means a lot to have a comfortable life. I'm not saying, you know, being a billionaire, just comfortable. Because then you have a lot more room, capacity, mental capacity, physical capacity, and time to engage in more fun sex, more novelty, more connection, right?

So if you're always struggling with money, you're always in survival mode and therefore no room to think about intimacy that way. So it's quite intertwined, isn't it, to talk about money. in sex. 100% because it was a stress, you know, huge, huge, huge factor. Stress is the number one libido killer. Interesting. And where we're living in this world that is quite hustle culture, go, go, go, go, go.

We are having the least amount of sex that we have ever had. Why do you think that is? Gen Z's. So there's two things. Like, one, I think also you have to look into that study and where the data was collected. and because that will affect the result. Because if you were collecting data, like, let's say, in Texas, in like a religious community,

and you're surveying Gen Zs, like, of course they're not having sex, they're not yet married. So I would, every time, you know, you hear statistics for all the listeners, I highly suggest you look into it first before you believe it, because sometimes where it's,

being surveyed will heavily impact the way you understand it. So from what I understand is that survey that a lot of people use now, it's not necessarily a very comprehensive sample. So I would say it's not like the truth for everyone. I teach Gen Z in university. And for the last 10 years it's been Gen Z, right? So I survey my class every year Like, you know, how many of you are sexually active?

How many of you have partners? How many of you have sex like more than once a week? And there isn't really a problem there. So maybe LA kids have sex and people elsewhere don't. You know that's why I want to have a more nuanced conversation about it just because it just depends on where and where the subculture is. But from my understanding of the. general sense of Gen Z as a whole generation having less sex is due to three different factors.

One is money. Again, we're back to money. They're not making as much money, always stressed about money, and it's hard to have courtship, like taking people on a date or going out to have those experiences that lead to sex without money. So money is a big factor. Second is they're more choosy. So that research, And there's another research that found millennials had more sex. I'm a millennial. We had more sex because we weren't that choosy. Like, we had more sex because we were just generally more promiscuous as a generation. We come from, our parents were baby boomers.

Yeah. Right. And as millennials, we saw baby boomers not having a great sex life and having very restrictive culture. For us, we were like all about like, yeah, fuck yeah, do everything. Right. We're like, think of Paris. Like we're just that, you know, the 90s, the Y2K and getting drunk, having sex, doing drugs.

Like, it's just kind of like in our culture for that generation. So we had a lot more sex and more promiscuous. But Gen Z is more choosy because they get a lot more education online. They get a lot more motivational messages about like, no, like, babe, like save, like, you know, save it for someone that cares or someone that respects you or don't do it if it doesn't feel right for you. Like, I think there's a lot more of those messages now. So Gen Zs are more like picky and just being more cautious, which understandable. You know, I'm a millennial.

I had a ton of sex. Like, you can't say I recommend. You know, but I learn from my mistakes. And then I think the third factor, this is interesting and we can find some correlations in it, is usually casual sex stems from intoxication. So people partying, drinking, then have sex. promiscuity oftentimes stems from intoxication. So being drunk. Gen Zs, a lot of Gen Zs don't drink. If you look at numbers, and these numbers don't lie because it's industry numbers,

I think alcohol industry used to be about $30 billion. Don't quote me on this, but it's a huge change from like $30 billion to $5 billion. I mean, that's an insane amount of money. So Gen Zs are not drinking. and I think therefore having much less casual sex because casual sex typically comes from being drunk and if you're not drinking, you're sober, you're making decisions based on your sobriety, you probably don't have sex. So I think all of these combined as a societal explanation

makes sense. Yeah. Gen Z is not having sex. I really want to come on to your approach to ethical non-monogamy. So if anyone's not heard of ethical non-monogamy, what is it? Like, how did you find yourself engaging in it?

So my answer would be controversial, but it's only because it's my experience. I find ethical non-monogamy is an orientation. Like sexual orientation, when you're gay, you're gay. You know, when you're gay, you're not straight. Same as me. I'm E&M, ethical non-monogamy. I'm E&M. I'm not monogamous.

I will never be monogamous. I'm just an E&M person. just like a sexual orientation. This is a relationship orientation. Are you monogamous? Yeah. So that's your relationship orientation. You're monogamous.

You can never be non-monogamous. It's the same thing, right? Like, it's just an orientation is how my belief system works, how I'm wired in the brain. So that's my explanation of it. I've always been interested in it ever since I heard about it on like a podcast a long time ago. This is back when I was with my first husband. We had brief discussion about it and he was just like, yeah, whatever. You know, we were kind of doing like out of sight, out of mind.

But it didn't work because we weren't even like in the right relationship of the first place. And we were also very sexually incompatible. So that was a bigger problem. And then when I was in my second marriage, when we first started dating, I immediately talked about non-monogamy being something that I'm interested in. He said, you know, I've never been in one, but I have also never been in a successful monogamy. So maybe I should explore that. So we were on the same page.

So we have always been what we call monogamish. And I talk a lot about it in my book because in my book, it's all about like different sexual preferences, including like a rhythm of monogamous relationship. So we've been monogamish for a long time, which means we attend erotic parties and we're allowed to be erotic with others, but we don't date other people. But that has changed.

So last year, we had a big discussion. We've been together now six years. We had a big discussion about, you know, what we're interested in in this life and what is. Because, you know, we all grow and change. And sometimes in different ways, sometimes in similar ways. And my husband and I sat down and we talked about it and I said, you know, I started like dating people in general for fun, casual, right? Just for fun. And he's like, yeah, cool with that.

Like, I do that too. It's fine. But then I said, but I started to fall for someone. And the feeling I have for this person is stronger. The connection is stronger than other casual people I've been with. So this was a big, hard conversation. It took a while a few days to like kind of hash it out, talk about the different parts of it.

My husband also takes a lot to like process. After that discussion, he came to me and he's like, you know what? It's okay. Like, I accept it because I believe in the universe. I believe like what's supposed to be yours comes to you. So if this is the case, then let's work with it. And I'm so grateful to have such partner. Someone that accepts me for who I am and is also open to exploring in his own way.

He's like, you know what? maybe, you know, maybe I meet someone that I also will feel connected the same way I'm connected to you. So it's okay. So right now we're doing, like we're in an open marriage. So he's dating someone. I'm dating someone outside our marriage, but we're very, very much married, very much in love. And, you know, this is my life partner. Like, I'm just really lucky.

we are, we're very, very strong. But we've gone through a lot together. We talk about everything. And yeah, this is our relationship. So my husband is an oil painter. So he has a big studio in L.A. And he loves being lost in his art. So he's always there.

But, you know, I'm doing celebs go dating. So I'm here a lot in London. So I have a boyfriend in London that I hang out with. And he understands our situation. He knows my husband. So it's all one big happy family. There was a community question also about navigating, maybe questioning your sexuality whilst in a relationship.

And I think that that could be translated quite well. So maybe someone who might be listening, who is in a relationship questioning whether they are monogamous. How would you recommend they navigate that? From what I've experienced personally, the signs that you may be non-monogamous. Monogamous are, number one, you have been monogamous your whole life and you were never satisfied. Like, it's just not necessarily who you were, but you were really trying to fit in the box that the society gives you.

Like, you only have one option. If you felt like that in the past, that's one sign. The second sign is if you are in a relationship and you still feel like you have the capacity to love. another person. That's another sign. Like you can love them both. It's like having two children. Do you love one more or the other?

Not really, right? If you have that capacity, some people don't because their brain is wired from monogamy, one partner. So the third sign, I would say, is if you think about your husband or boyfriend going on a date and you're not breaking out in rash.

You might break out in rash. Yeah. And you're not breaking out in rash or get like so worried and concerned or almost, you know, on a brink of crying or flustered. If you kind of think about it and you're like, it's not bad or even like could be fun or even like I'd be happy for him. Then that's a big sign that you're non monochamous because for me when I hear it. my husband's going on a date. I'm actually excited to hear.

Like, who is she? What does she do? What does she look like? Like, did it go well? Did you enjoy it? What did you guys laugh about? And, you know, even recently when I was back in LA, he brought someone home for all of us to have dinner together.

And it was actually, it was awkward for the first like 10 minutes, but it's actually really nice after. And we all hung out. We ate cake. And it was just lovely. So if you have this tendency like me, then you're most likely non-monogamous. Nice. Yeah.

And then how would you recommend someone to say if someone was questioning their sexuality whilst in a relationship, how would you recommend someone brings that conversation to the table? It's very tricky. If you've been in a relationship that's monogamous and you want to change that, it's very hard, but obviously plausible. I think the very first thing is when people don't have knowledge about something, they get so anxious and upset. But once you have all the information, all the pieces in the picture,

you calm down, you can step back and understand it a bit more. So I would say the very first thing is to tease their mind about the topic. Not that you want to do it. Just tease their mind, for example. You can say, I was listening to Dr. Fay's podcast and her guest is in this like, E&M relationship. Have you ever heard of it? And literally, that's your inception.

Like, that's your, have you ever heard of it? Like, start a dialogue with your partner. Like, have them start talking. And then you can reciprocate that conversation. But don't mention anything about you wanting to try it until like a third conversation. It's very sensitive. And if you feel like they are ready to discuss something like that, I would say like buy them a book about E&M or Polly Amory

because reading about it or listening to an audio book helps a lot. There's a lot of different like mechanisms. And when they understand it, they'll be less apprehensive. And then lastly, it's always good to resort to professionals. So couples counseling, an E&M coach. There are a lot of E&M coaches out there. I'm one of them,

but also my good friend, Ali Eisenman, she's also like a great E&M coach. having a third person help navigate opening up is a lot easier. Still hard, but a lot easier than like two people that have never done it trying to talk about it because there's a lot of like boundaries, like how to do things. And if you've never been in one, you don't know. Like my husband and I literally have contracts, like typed.

Contracts. We sign and date. And every time we want to change it, we have to add addendums. and each addendum has to be presented, talked about and signed. Yeah. Yeah. So it's communication, isn't it? It's just communication, communication, communication.

I love that. We had a lot of community questions about keeping the spark in long-term relationships. What would be your top tips for those? I would say try erotic solutions. I talk about tons of erotic solutions in my book, but I'm going to share like, let's say, three, things that you can try. Erotic solutions are sexual activities that are non-penetrative. I'm a huge fan of sexually connecting with my partner without penetration because I want to

de-center penetration. Penetration is not everything, but penetration has been the definition of sex for like thousands of years, which is very annoying to me because it's like there's so many ways to sexually connect with your partner without penetration. So the first erotic solution I want you to try is couples sexual meditation where you get naked together, hold hands, and then listening to couples guided meditation for sex, and then just do what the guy tells you. You can go to my YouTube. There's a bunch of clips. It's all free. You can do one that's solo. You can do one that's for couples. And this can change it up in your relationship. People that like mindfulness activities, they already do, you know, meditation, yoga, exercise.

They will enjoy it. It's meditation, but it's for sex. So it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings in your bodies, and sensations in a rogynous zone. So, for example, the guy might say, now I want you to move on to the nipples. I want you to massage the nipples clockwise. Take a deep breath, right?

Lynn, you're together doing this together. That's the first one. The second one I want you to try is penis worshiping. Okay. And basically and vice versa, a yoni massage or like pussy worshipping session. So penis worshipping and pussy worshipping is all about dedicating time and devotion to your partner without expecting things in return. Sex can become very transactional where people forget that when you're in a romantic relationship, devotion is so sexy. Like wouldn't you want your partner to be so devoted to you?

Of course everyone would. It's so sexy. You know, they'll get on their knees, take your clothes off for you, massage your whole body, and then massage your vulva, right? So I think a devotion session is great. And, you know, there's various details. If you Google it, it will come up. Google like yoni massage or lingam massage.

I also talk about it in depth in the book. The third one that I want you to try is pleasure, mapping. Have you tried that before? No. Okay. So pleasure mapping is education for partners, but it's also new and spicy, where you take turns, you both lay down, well, one person lay down naked. Your partner would then massage, touch, or lick different erogenous zones on your body to map which parts are the most arousing to you. Every body is different. So, you know, my partner can then like lick my ears. I can be like, oh my God, that's so like makes me aroused. That works. Okay. So that's a yes. And then comes down to the neck. Okay, like the side is not that great.

The back is really great. Right. So he can kiss that. Feels good. Lick it. Not so much. So don't lick it. Just kiss it. Coming down to the nipples. Like what type of sensation do you like? Do you like just a finger massaging it? Do you like grabbing the whole boob? Like all of that. Map the entire body. Then your partner will live. literally become a PhD of your body. It's hot. It's a gift that keeps on giving because then long term they won't know how to stimulate you.

Highly recommend. The single girlies, what top tips would you give them on navigating maybe single dating sexual relationships because I feel like that's a different territory of its own? Have at least two different vibrators. First off, yeah, take care of yourself. Like, you know,

You can give yourself sexual pleasure. You can give yourself, you know, serotonin, dopamine from masturbating. So the reason why I say two different types is you don't want to get used to just one sensation because that's when you can't come with a partner. It's a big problem for a lot of women. I have a lot of women come to me like, Dr. Tara. I literally can only orgasm through my vibrator. I cannot orgasm with a partner.

It's because your brain is so connected to one sensation and that's your one vibrator. there's also a term for it called Eidosyncratic masturbation. A lot of men get this. A lot of men who masturbate a lot watching porn and using their grip, they can't orgasm with a partner because they just get their brain neural pathways

get used to just that one sensation. So for women, the female version would be having multiple vibrators so that you experience different sensations on the body. In terms of, dating, I would say, try like join clubs that's based on your interest. I have now recently, for the last six months, seen a lot of girls, a lot of women, meet their partners at these places and not online.

I know someone that met someone at like a networking event. Actually, they're now married. It's so crazy. They met at a networking event. One of my girlfriends met her boyfriend at the run club for Allo, like Allo Run club in L.A. Another friend joined a coffee club and also met a boyfriend there too. One of my female clients actually joined a book club for murder mystery.

Nice. Met her boyfriend there. So I think there are now so many activities, especially if you live in a big city, take advantage of it and join some of them. You may meet the love of your life. They're in person. an organic meeting. There's nothing that can like, you know,

nothing is the same, not as meeting organically. And I don't hate apps. I love apps because it's convenient. But this year, try something different. This is something about the authenticity thing. If you're someone who does want to have sex on the first date, have sex on the first date.

Yeah. I would say it depends on which school of thought you subscribe to. The first one is sexual compatibility model. The second one is sexual restraint model. Sexual compatibility, compatibility model states that you have sex early on in the relationship. It could be first date, second date, but like you have sex early in order to determine compatibility in the bedroom and because that's an important factor in a long-term relationship. The second school of thought

is sexual restraint model. It states that you should wait because you should wait to build emotional connection first before you have sex with someone. I subscribe to the first school because I had sex first date with my husband. And I also had sex first date with my other partner. So I'm on that school of thought because I think sexual compatibility is just so important to me. I need to know that first. Then I will spend more effort to build a relationship with someone versus I have lots of friends that need emotional connection to be so stable. So it might be like one month of dating.

then sex can come. So it just depends. Yeah, and I think it's having that intuition in yourself and knowing what is right for you is so so so important. The body is so intelligent. There's a question that we've been asking all of our guests. So Dr. Tara, what do you wish every woman knew by the time she was 25? By 25, you know, I hope you know that like sex isn't bad.

Sex is great for you. I hope you know that masturbation is great for you. Daily masturbation is healthy. I hope you know that if you ever feel like being used for sex, you're probably right, like listen to your body. I hope you know that reading more about sex can only bring more sexual confidence and sexual agencies or reading sex books and listening to more like credible sources talking about sex. I hope you know that like sex itself once you master it or you become the master of it, that you're you become the master of it, that you feel comfortable about it, you can harness all that pleasure and sexual energy. It actually works for you.

And it's great. Orgasms give me the best ROI. That is such a great little tagline. Yeah, I know. It is the best return on investment. It takes me five minutes to masturbate. And then I'm in good mood all day. I can negotiate deals.

I'm like, you know, I just exude a much better energy. I love that. Well, thank you so, so much. Thank you.