Heroes in Business - Andy Hahn Fearless Living, Conversation with Producer Glue pt1

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Older Relationships, any relationship, and questions women want to know answers. Dr Andy Hahn and Producer Glue share a discussion on older dating, relationships s%x and more in this episode of Guided Self Healing Fearless Living.  

Welcome, welcome, welcome. We are on the Guided Self-Healing Living Fearlessly podcast with Dr. Andy Hahn. I am producer Glue, typically with the Alliance's Heroes radio show, but today I am able to guest host with Dr. Andy Hahn. And Dr. Andy, so much going on these days. I know myself being in my 50s and being single, nobody ever wants to have this situation happening in their lives, right? Whoever guesses that we're going to be in our 50s and single, right? So I've got a lot of questions for you. But first off, thank you so much for letting me be here with you today. Oh, thank you so much for being here. I am like so excited because it's such a, it's a, such a joyful way to do this. So much more than my just talking into a camera and talking to all of your

friends about being single in their fifties and how to handle relationships. So this is way more fun and way more interesting. And I get to be a little bit like, I wonder what she's going to ask. I get to be a little bit like, I wonder what she's going to ask. Right. Well, I mean, there's somewhat of, cause I know myself and several of my friends are single and in our, you know, late forties, fifties, you know, what have you. And, um, you know, couple of us in new relationships like myself and, or, you know, in the dating realm. And, you know, they just have a lot of questions. So let's get started with this right now. And we're just going to dive right into it. Okay. First question. Good guy, wrong relationship. How likely will a man be straight up if it's not a right fit for him? Or will he continue with the relationship to

avoid rejecting a woman? Well, that depends. Because you have to know something about the guy's personality. So I don't want to make it complicated, but there isn't a universal answer. So there are some people, relatively speaking, whose biggest motivation is not to hurt people. relatively speaking, whose biggest motivation is not to hurt people. And then there are different motivations for not wanting to hurt people. And if you really want to know if your guy is telling you the truth, you have to, first of all, figure out what his motivation is and why his motivation is that. So there are certain guys who will just be very straightforward to the point of being blunt. And there's certain guys who you will never know what they're thinking unless you ask them and assume that you won't know if you leave them at all, they will go along with you. So what you really need to do to answer

that question is to get very curious and step back and have no assumptions and no expectations and don't assume that whatever his behavior is, don't assume you understand why he's doing what he's doing. So you have to ask and you have to find a way if you really want to get the right answer, you have to find a way to get some sense of who he is and to line up with that. But of course, if you're really good at that, you might know the answer even before you ask the question, but it's always better to ask the question anyway. oh, if you're happy, I'm happy. Don't assume you're going to know anything about what his real feeling is about anything, because his motivation is to make sure that there's no conflict and that you're happy. So he might put his arms around you. And then at some point, he might say, something isn't right here when you're getting too close to being committed.

And you'd say, wait a second, you've gone along with everything. But really, he hasn't gone along with everything. He's just merged with you. And so he would say, well, you put your arms around me. And he would say something like, well, I didn't want to hurt you. And I knew you wanted me to put my arms around you. So I put my arms around you. He'd say, well, that's nice. But did you want to put your arms around me? Well, of course I did did because you wanted me to. So if you have a guy like that and you really want to know where he's at, you have to ask a question and make no assumptions and have no expectations about the answer,

and you may have to sit there for a while. And you'll say, wow, that's interesting because he's such a nice guy and I thought we were really on the same thing and everything. And then I'm finding out, wait a second, I'm not sure he felt that way at all. So that'd be an example of someone who you do not know, but right next door to him is going to be somebody who instead of like, you know, doesn't know who he is. He'll know very much in response to you exactly how he's feeling about things. And believe me, you will know right away because his motivation will not be to avoid conflict and to make sure you're happy, even if that doesn't mean he's doing what he wants.

His motivation will be to say, look, I know what I want and I know what I'm looking for. And like you, you know, you'll know right away if you're not it. I'm going to tell you. so what i'd say to your friends is make no assumptions have no expectations and if you really like a guy get really curious and you'll find your answer okay so that being said satisfying answer right because there's more questions so how can you tell and is just talking about it the only way but how can you tell if a man actually wants a long-term relationship the only way you can tell is you can ask but they they're, the first thing I would say about any of these things is the best thing you can do. I mean, you want to do two things. The first thing you want to do, if, if I

were in that situation right now, I would want to get to know my partner. So I know it's motivating them because that will help me. So the first thing I want to do is I want to study personality typology because in a very short period of time, you can learn an awful lot. And you'd say, really, there are people in the world who that's how, what makes them tick. Okay. But the second thing I would do, if you think very early on, you want to be serious, whenever you want to be serious, I would stop and I would stop. I would, and I'd shift. And I'd say, look, we have to ask each other some difficult questions. And both of us are going to answer what it is that we really want and what it is we really value. And I would start asking, I have,

I would ask a whole series of questions and a whole series of topics, because every situation is going to be different, right? So I'd have to know what I really want, first of all. And then I'd have to then say, we're going to have a very serious conversation. And we're going to ask serious questions about all kinds of things, like everything you can imagine. There's a book by a woman named Susan Peyser called The Hundred Difficult Questions or something. And it's, I would, I'd get out that book and I'd say, why don't we have a really interesting, fun evening and like write out our answers to these questions and then take turns.

And when one of us is answering, the other person will just listen. If there's something they don't understand, they can ask a question, but we're not going to argue. We're just going to really, really try to discover where the other person's coming from without an agenda. There's an epidemic of loneliness right now. And a lot of people say, I don't want to be lonely. Now that may or may not mean they want to be in a relationship. So the first thing you have to do, and it's like, they try to figure it out. Well, I should be in a relationship and like, cause it makes sense. I should be in a relationship. And like, because it makes sense, I should be in a relationship. And I'm always, you know, and they try to figure out the answer.

So if I were talking to your friends, which I guess I am right now, I would say, you have to find out what's really true for you and what you really want. And your head doesn't know. And it's true about what exactly you want in terms of relationship. And then it's true in terms of a particular person you're with. So if I wanted to know, if I was starting to date someone and I said, hmm, forgetting the rational question thing that we just talked about, do I really want to be with him? Your head won't know the answer. So you want to go and bring your attention to your gut and sit there and say,

like, there's a part of me that knows. It's not going to figure anything out. It just knows what's true for me. That's your gut. It's not your and then you know i bring my attention to my center of my chest and say give me what's true for me what if i really desire you and i would sit and listen to myself like i was listening to someone who really knew the truth if i wasn't like running over them so i would listen to my insides and and talking about the children you bring up a really good point you know uh many of us uh as we have been married in the past or been in relationships in the past there's that extra added element of children yes right and how do you navigate that with new relationship? Like what is what's I know, you know, in so much of this stuff, there is no right, there is no wrong. But you know, what, how do you proceed with those sorts of things? Like when is it a right time to introduce a prospective partner with children? Or, you know, what's the best way to integrate? partner with children or, you know, what's the best way to integrate?

There are so many different circumstances that say when the right time is a little bit difficult, we'd have to take any particular circumstance, but I'll tell you what I would do. I would do the same thing I just told you to do about whether I want to be in the situation or not. It's like, when I feel into my gut, is it the right time to introduce this person to them? into my gut is it the right time to introduce this person to them or am i not ready trust what you know that's the best thing i can tell you about anything in terms of your kids it's a very complicated situation because parenting is a one-way relationship at the end of the day you have to take care of them but they don't have to take care of you, but they don't have to take care of you. On the other hand, you have your own existence, and they don't get to run the show. So there's this funny combination of saying,

I'm going to have to do what's true for me, but I'm going to really have to know what the impact is on you, and I have to listen to it. But that doesn't mean I'm going to make choices based on, you know, you say, well, I never want you to be in a relationship again, because, like, that will screw up our family. You say, why don't you tell me about that? So what I would say, again, to your friends is it's time to get to ask your kids really where they're coming from so you can hear them.

Now, that does not mean you go along with them. That's called boundaries. So just because you're going to do it doesn't mean you have to say, well, I won't do it. But you have to find out what's their concern. And then I would say, if I were introducing a man into my situation, I would do it in a way that in the beginning was just like, let's get to know each other. But I would say like the best thing that you can ever do is not assume that you get to run the show either

because you're coming into a situation. And I do a lot with you know blended relationships and blended families and the best thing i can tell you is people are going to come in and they're going to have all kinds of assumptions and all kinds of expectations that are going to be unsaid and by the time you find them out it's a little bit too late so you want to ask you know you want to say well what is your assumption about what's going to happen and what are your expectations about what's going to happen when i introduce you to my children and you want to sit down and have a very serious talk about that beforehand and then you'll

know something also about how much you want to be in the relationship because i'd want to be with someone who says i'm getting not just you i mean you know it's obviously different if your kids are i mean your friends could have kids anywhere from elementary school to like, you know, adults who are often now Australia. So, I mean, there's a different deal that goes on. That's the problem. But the only way I know to really make blended families work is to say, we're not going to like force anything on anyone. We're going to try to find out what's going on here. And generally when that happens, no one's saying, well, this is the way it has to be. If some man comes into your life and says that, I would say you're in for

some very challenging time. So that would be a red flag to me. Awesome. Thank you so much for that. And I just want to pause for a second and remind everybody that's listening. This is Guided Self Healing, Living Fearlessly with Dr. Andy Hahn. I am producer Glue, guest hosting today with Dr. Andy. And he is answering questions for us about dating in advanced ages, 40s, 50s, 60s, wherever you are. These are some things that might help you with navigating that situation in your own life. So we have more questions for you, Dr. Andy. So what is a high quality man? And especially in our evolving times, right? If somebody had asked you this in 1950s, 1960s, it might be a different answer, right? But in today's terms, what is a high quality man? What can a woman expect? Well, those may not be the same thing. Okay. I think there's certain universal things and there's certain time specific things. So I

think, but I think there are universal answers. I'll tell you what I would want if I were a woman and I was bringing a man into my life. The first thing is I want to have someone who's kind. I don't know. You didn't, I mean, that's the first thing that comes to me. I want kindness and kindness is a very interesting thing because kindness means that they have a capacity to really have some sense about what it's like for you and put you know there's there's a compassionate empathy that comes in kindness but a kind of warmth and a kind of like saying you know i really want to know what it's like for you that's the first thing i would look for is someone who really says i want to know what it's like for you and i want to put myself in your shoes and i want to know what it's like you and. And I want to put myself in your shoes. And I want to know what it's like you, you know, you're single and you have, you know,

kids who are three, five and seven, you're bringing me in. I want to know what it will be like for you if you wouldn't. The man asks you that you're in good place because he really cares. I want to find someone who I could trust. Now, of course, that's, you don't find that out right away. And you just, you have to know intuitively, but you have to like keep sort of saying, I'm, you know, I'm glad that I should say this. Ronald Reagan said one thing I really liked. Just one?

One thing I said I really liked. Okay. Really liked. Okay. When Gorbachev said, don't you trust me and he said of course I trust you and I'm going to verify okay Adam you know bring a man into your life is kind of like bringing an atom bomb into your life you know there's a lot of energy and it can be destructive or very you know or can light up your world so like I would just not make any assumptions that I would say, I'm going to go in with a sense of trust, but I'm not going to be stupid about it.

So there's this really wonderful union between doubt and trust. And you should get them to get to know each other really, really well. And trust both of them. And trust your knowing about them. So I would say, if you have someone who's kind if i was looking for something and someone who like i can trust and then i would look for an energy because otherwise you know why not just bring enough post me so i'd want to have someone when i'm with them there's a sense of a lifeless between us now

that's going to look very differently depending on sort of what your deepest motivation is it may play out you know if you're a certain kind of person that when you gaze into his eyes he's going to gaze into yours and you say oh my gosh like i'm seeing into his soul if that's your kind of person then look for something like that or you know if you're another kind of person, when you're cooking dinner, he says, of course I'll cook with you. You know, I don't expect you just because you're the woman

to do the cooking and let's do it together and let's like make it a joyful thing, right? Or if he wants to go out with his friends, he says, of course I want to take you with me because like, of course I want to be part of my community. And if you feel that way and that's an important thing and he says i'm including you and we're in something together and in something together can be about activities right like you know preserving activities like cleaning and

cooking and all those kinds of things it can be about connecting activities you know so if one's a kitchen you have the bedroom and then you have kind of the living room. And like, if you can find somebody, you know, who you can feel comfortable with in all of those places, and there's this feeling of like, yeah, we're in something together, there's this energy between us, and they're fine. And you trust them. I'd say that's a good sign. No matter whether it's 1950 or 2050. I'd say that's a good sign, no matter whether it's 1950 or 2050. We haven't gotten like that. Specifically in regard to the dynamic of how women's roles have changed, men's roles have changed within the last, you know, 50 years or so.

Women are now providing for themselves and wanting more of a more than a transaction in a relationship they want more connection more partnership what do you say about this i think that's true and i'd say it's a good thing because you come in more as equals right even though what you know it makes it more difficult if there's different power dynamics going on in the relationship. So the more you come in and say, of course, I know I can care for myself and I can care for my children, you're in a better position. So that's really good news, right? So there's this funny kind of combination of things where we're getting to be more alike in that way and saying, you know, we're equal partners. but I'll tell you the other thing. And this is a gross generalization. Once you're equal partners, I think that there are certain

where I would say is archetypal roles that are really important. Like if, if I knew I was even with a man, I would still know. I mean, I'm not a woman, so you can tell me better than I can tell you. But I'll tell you what I would want as a woman. I'd want a woman of who I said, I know he wants to be with me. And he's going to show the world that he wants to be with me. Not in a way that's possessive or like yucky, but like in a way of like he's saying, I want you and I want to make this happen, you know, and I know you're what I want and I'm going for it. And for some women, that's going to be, he'll ask you to marry, right? And for some women, it will never be that. But no matter what, I think that there's a certain kind and in a funny kind of way, the more we become alike, the more in a other kind of way we have to honor the differences that are true. Because a woman, at the end of the day, think about this for a second. A woman ultimately is receptive. Ultimately.

It's an active process. Women receive. Men assert. Masculinity is an assertive process. And so the more we can honor that there's an active process called receiving, and then there's an active process called asserting. And then of course, you can play around with all of that. But I would want to know, like, can somebody really meet me and like, let me take them

in? And is it someone I really want to take in? Because I mean, I don't want to be crass about it, but if you think about the biology of sex, it's not the same. Right. In one case, you know, I'm coming into you. In another case, you're receiving me, you know. And that's true when it doesn't matter the gender roles,

and we can play around with, because we both have such assertive and receptive aspects of our being, right? assertive and receptive aspects of our being, right? And the difference among women and men is going to be, you know, the difference between women is going to be different, as much difference as the difference between men and women, right? So you have to find out what it is that really turns you on, so to speak um but i want to have someone who can meet me like energetically right because it's really important it's like our energies come together in some kind of way that really works while simultaneously i know this person knows that we're even even if we're different so not everything has to be you know we're going to share everything evenly but there has to

be a sense of evenness about it and it can't be too out of balance like if i were a woman and i'd been like taking care of myself forever i'd be very wary if i had a man who said okay you're going to do all the cooking all the cleaning all the everything because that's what women are supposed to do and And, um, you know, now, I mean, unless you want that, but you know, um, right. But you know, you'll know, because what you're really, it's a gut heart question. You want to know if someone respects you and everything you bring, you want to know that they will say yes to it i mean in terms of who you are they may not like some of the things you do but at least in terms of who you are

you want someone who's going to say like i want to be with all of who you are and i'm going to accept all of who you are even the parts you don't accept about yourself and that doesn't say i'm going to like everything you do. Then we're going to have to navigate that one. But that's what I want. But I'm not a woman. You probably could answer better than me. Right. So and you kind of raised a little bit of the next question in response to that last one that I asked you. but how important is sex versus communication in a relationship or for a guy or, you know, however you want to respond to it? I wouldn't say versus. Sex is communication and communication is sex.

So like... What do you mean by that? If I'm being sexual with you, the way I'm being sexual, you communicate something. Okay. And there can be a very erotic nature. And I'm not talking about sexual, but communication can be very erotic. Right. Well, this has been super fun. Thank you so much, Dr. Andy, Guided Self Healing, Living Fearlessly.