Heroes in Business - Andy Hahn Fearless Living, Conversation with Producer Glue pt2

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

The key to long lasting, fulfilling relationships with amazing sx. Dr. Andy Hahn and Producer Glue share a discussion on dating and relationships in your 40s, 50s, and beyond in this episode of Guided Self Healing Fearless Living. 

Welcome, welcome, welcome. We are on the Guided Self-Healing Living Fearlessly podcast with Dr. Andy Hahn. I am producer Glue, typically with the Alliance's Heroes radio show, but today I am able to guest host with Dr. Andy Hahn. And Dr. Andy, so much going on these days. I know myself being in my 50s and being single, nobody ever wants to have this situation happening in their lives, right? Whoever guesses that we're going to be in our 50s and single, right? So I've got a lot of questions for you. But first off, how long should a woman hold out on sex if she wants a long term relationship? Is there any kind of parameters that way or rule of thumb or even, you know, for a guy, how does a guy act in that? It's not a question of holding out. It's a question of what's truthful for you. I would want generally, but this is generally to get to know someone in ways other than getting to know them through their bodies. But there's some people who can aesthetic that the best way they get to know each other is through physical things.

And it's just because that's my way of communicating. And you'll get to know me best through sex. And if two people are like that, they can have sex pretty early on because it's their way of saying, you know, I'm going to get to know you better, right? But for most people, I want to get to know you better

in order to feel safe enough to feel like I'm going to open my body to you in this way. And I'll tell you what my rule of thumb would be. I'd ask my gut and I'd ask my heart, is it the right time? And I trust what I knew. My rule of thumb would be like, trust what you knew. And with one guy, that might mean, you know, three dates. With another guy guy it might mean three months and many dates and My real thumb is Trust for the and get to know him well enough to know because there's a level of intimacy clearly that happens with sexuality now People have different relationships with sexuality for some people, it's a sacrament,

and I don't mean that in a religious sense. I mean, it's like, this is something sacred that's happening between us. For other people, it's like, oh, this isn't like a joyful activity that we're sharing. And people are very different around sexuality. Even women are, I mean, as a gross generalization, men and women might be a little different about this

because of sort of images we have of each other and because of biology, right? But, you know, that just says we're kind of different. But I would want sex, however it was for you. Here's what I would say. I want it to feel like it's something that feels intimate and makes you feel good not just in your body and if you're there and you're with someone who you trust and respect and it feels like something is going in the direction you wanted to go and you have to know again what you want you want to help do you want to get married again or do you want

to like it's no a lot of different people but you have to answer that question if it's door number two you're probably have sex sooner than if you want to say, I really, really want to know this person I'm going to have to live my life for the rest of my life. I would then take more care because the stakes are higher. You tell me what's your rule of thumb. Well, I had heard in the past, and that's a great question because I, and part of the reason why it was asked, because I had heard in the past, and that's a great question because I, and part of the reason why it was asked, because I had heard in the past, like 10 dates. But then what's your definition of a date? I don't know. Something that's wrinkled and purple, but that's, you know. I mean, you know, I would say, why would you want to have something imposed on you from the outside? Okay.

If I said to you 10 dates, you'd say, well, you don't know anything about me. So the only way you're going to know is when you, if someone said to you 10 dates, okay. I wouldn't take them and say, oh my God, you know, it's the Bible. It's written, you know, in the tablet says the 11th commandment. Sure. Yeah. And thou shalt not do anything until the 11th date you know or something no it's like i'd say does that feel right for me with this person my gut knowing and dates so there's one person who knows the truth it's or is it two no for you there's one person who knows the truth. Or is it two?

No, for you, there's one person that knows the truth. That's the key. He gets to have his truth too, we hope. And then you have two people who viscerally have said, I've been with myself and I know what's true for me and I know what I want. And now we can really talk with each other. And if it feels uncomfortable, you get curious. You say well why is it this is so important to you right now if you feel like and if you have someone who pressures you about something i mean it's this funny kind of combination because you don't want

to feel pressured but you have to go yeah if someone's saying i want to have sex right now and you feel anxious about it you have to ask yourself a question right right here's i'm going to tell you what i would look at there are three kinds of anxiety right one is this is going to push me to a new level and it's making me anxious it's sort of like riding a bike for the first time you know is it really that like is my anxiety just because i you know i know this is going to take us to another level and that makes me feel anxious and if that's the answer you're going to have to find a way to talk to yourself and say i'm going to have to get on the bike right yeah there's a second kind of anxiety where when you really tune in you say like really i don't feel ready yet and i feel pressure and

they look alike and the only way you're going to know is find the anxiety in your body and say, will you tell me why you're here, please? I'll tell you, there's a third kind of anxiety, which is going to be like, if you're traumatized and that's a whole different deal. Right. And it's not like it's one or another, but you know, you could have several dates with a guy and he can want sex. And like, he comes near you and say wait a second like I don't and that anxiety may be that you know something happened to you when you were a little girl and you never even knew about it but now that things are getting intimate it like it comes up and the only way you're gonna know is in each case is going to be a physical sensation if you're feeling

anxious because like it's it's something that's gonna it's pushing your edges but but it should be right, there's an anxiety that goes with that. You'll feel the sensation of it. But when you go into it, you'll say, I'm scared. But you won't say, don't do it. There'll be a second kind of anxiety that says, I'm scared and I'm not willing to do this yet. There'll be a third kind of anxiety that says, wait a second, there's something about him getting close to me. And then you have to say, is that about him? Is that about me? You have to ask the sensation. You have to say, you have to be honest with me. Is it because he's

doing something that's making me uncomfortable? Is it because he's doing something that's reminding me of something? Is it with all men? Is it with him in particular? And the only thing I can say is, be curious about your soul. Is it not? And the only thing I can say is be curious about your soul. Right. So let's pause for a second and remind everyone, this is guided self healing and living fearlessly with Dr. Andy Hahn. And you bring up a great point about baggage. We cannot expect that we're going to get into our 40s, 50s, 60s and not have any, right? So how do you deal with that going in with relationships and where's the

red flags? Where's the deal breakers? What do we need to know about this and getting into relationships? Well, there's most of the baggage you're talking about. I'll tell you what screws up couples most. It's grudges. Grudges is if you want to have one thing that screws up couples, it's grudges. And we're predisposed, the baggage we're predisposed to is grudges. If I was going to say one word, and a grudge is when somebody violates your values, but you don't act in a way that really cares for yourself, right? I'll give you an example of what I mean. Now, these people were not, they weren't in their 50s, but they were in their late 30s. And, you know, they were married, and they had a kid. And I'll tell you the story quickly. I mean,

he was an electrician, she a stay-at-home mom and that was what they wanted to do he had an accident right and he couldn't work anymore so she had to go out and work which is not what either of them wanted to do right and um so he's he this guy who is a guy's guy is trying to change diapers right and the wife comes in one day and sort of like sees him struggling with it. And she's kidding around. She thinks, she says, that's a stupid way to do that. Like, let me help you, right?

And he hauls off and slugs her, okay? Okay. Okay, so after I found safety, I said, what did you want? I said to him, because we wouldn't take turns. What is it, how did you want it to go? And, because we wouldn't take turns. What is it? How did you want it to go? And he says, all I wanted was for her to say, I can see you really, really trying here. And like, you know, thank you so much.

Okay. Okay. I said to her, what did you want? And she said something to the effect of, and I had them play it out. She could do that. She was, I mean that she was i mean she was not they weren't happy neither one of them was happy about the reaction okay so she says i can do that and and and she does it that way she says oh you know i appreciate you're trying to do

this and it's hard for you and i really i want to acknowledge you about it it's not This is 30 years ago. I'm making it up. Sure. Then it's her turn. Okay. And all she, she says, what I wanted when I said that, when I was playing around was like, all I wanted to do was say, of course, you know, you know better how to do this than me. And of course i'll accept your help all right i said now i want you guys to forget each other i said forget her what do you feel in your body when you went off and slugged her and i don't remember what he said i said i want you to go in there and forget your life and he went he goes inside into his body right and starts to crawl his wife gets eyes like bigger than saucers because she said after the session she said i've been with him for like 11 years i think that i've never seen him cry he starts to cry he says i'm this little kid i'm probably about eight or nine years old

and my father's a worker and he's trying to put some you know gravel down and i'm trying to help him and i have this enormous shovel and this eight-year-old kid i'm trying to help him and i hear him say to one of his friends under his breath look at my stupid kid he can't even shovel right wow i said could you stand in for the father what do you want I wanted to know what his wife said to him you know over 30 years later I see how much you're trying to

you know do something too hard for you to do to make my life better and thank you so much she says that to him and he starts bawling like a little kid and she's you know hugging okay you know what her story is her story is she's with her mother her mother does not know she's a very this woman was very good at crafts and creative and whatever, her mother, right, was trying to do some drapes. And she sees a better

way to do it. Right. And she says, to herself, she's saying, you know, that's not the best way to do this. She says to her mother, let me, you know, let me help you. And her mother says, like, leave me alone and go outside and play with your friends. And she said, all I wanted her to do was to accept my help. And to say, of course, you know, I can see you know a good way to do this. And like, of course, I want your help. In fact, you probably could do it better than I can do. He does that to her. She starts crying.

I want you to know their relationship got a whole hell of a lot better. if you're having a fight and you're getting reactive to each other, chances are you put somebody else's head on them and you're fighting a fight that is probably from, in our cases, since you're a young woman compared to me, you know, 50 some odd years ago. And the way you find baggage is when you're reactive to your partner, forget your partner and say, what's coming up in me and notice a sensation, forget your partner to go, what's coming up in me? And notice the sensation, forget your partner and go back and be a child. You know, we find each other. We think we find each other in order to love each other.

But loving each other means to help us become whole and to accept all of who we are. And the best place to do that is in relationships. Otherwise, you know, if we're in a cave, how are we ever going to find out? We're very good. We bring to ourselves people we need in order for us to heal and to evolve,

even though we think we're doing it because we just, oh my God, they're spectacular. That's why. Okay. So again, because I think I heard it right there, but I want to make sure that everybody catches what you just said. Ultimately, what are we looking for in relationships? ultimately what are we looking for in relationships why do we do this to ourselves married twice already with or without kids why do we do this to ourselves i'll tell you why there's one simple reason hope what would happen if you just said the hell with it i'm giving up it looks safer but at the end of the day very lonely and you know we hope we hope that we learn some things along the way so you say well you know you said advanced in age well advanced in age has its benefits

you know i tried those three and I know what. Please tell me. If you can be someone who reflects on their own life, you're in a whole lot better place now than when you were 22. In 22, you marry somebody, you have to get very lucky because you don't know what the heck you're doing. I mean, you might get lucky, but it isn't because like you've got it figured out. But, you know, when you're 39 like you you know it's like no i mean but you said i i found out some things that seem to happen and if you find you've been in the same situation over and over and over again that's about you so you

have to say well what is it that happens so that every time I end up with this guy who is dependent on me, and I will guarantee you, you have trauma around dependency. It may have been that you were neglected, so you had to be pseudo-independent. So you had to take care of someone hoping they would take care of you or whatever it is. But if you see that there's a pattern in your relationships, the very best thing you can do is have a relationship with yourself and say who is it that's driving these people and that's how you live and learn so and then you know what you really want to do is be in a whole relationship with yourself you want to get to know every part of yourself because if you don't do that i guarantee you'll have a blind spot and in that blind spot that other person will sneak right in and make you miserable and you'll

think it's them but it won't be. And you'll know. And do you need to do that, Dr. Andy, before you get into a relationship? Or can you do it when you're already in one? You can do it. It's better if you do it before. And you certainly can do it while you're in one. And that's why I do couples therapy.

You know, I do a lot of couples therapy. And what I say to people is what I say to you, like, if I can find out what you're bringing, so that you're putting somebody else's head on them, right? So you're, you really, you're looking at your wife, but you're seeing your father, you're looking at your, your, this new guy, but you're, you know, seeing your mother, right? Well, then maybe we have a prayer. That's the first thing. The second thing is, we want to get to know each other and assume we don't know what makes somebody tick so if someone says they want

something you say well can you explain it to me what what is it you need here what what's making you want it you get curious at least a little bit because you want it you say they have to know on some level you're going to take it i mean there's three things you're going to be able to do in a relationship really right you have to be? You have to be understanding, you have to be accepting, and you have to be able to take action. And they go together. So if someone says, well, you have to understand that, then I'd say, well, that's nice. But at some point or other, you're going to have to do something. But if someone says, I just want you to do something, and it feels uncomfortable, the least you better know is, well, what is it that, why does he want this?

And why is it loving if I do it, right? So you have to really understand what makes somebody tick. And then you have to figure out, you have to navigate action, which means like, you know, things have to be in some kind of balance. And the only way I know you can do that is you have to spend time and you can't assume anything. And then you do it because think of the alternative and if you won't be looking for a relationship you'll say i have all my friends and i have all my everything and now they're gonna screw me up and they're all

gonna go and get you know into relationships and so now i'm gonna do it but i mean you know it's like you do it because you want to do it, because you still, you know, hope over despair. Right. So how do you keep the flame alive? Like if you're looking for flame, which is heat. Right. It's light and heat and passion. All right.

Look what we've done here. Right. We spent 30 minutes and you said, I want to understand where you're coming from something. And I'm really here with you. And I'm really listening to you. Now, even if we're never sexual, there's something alive about the conversation. You know what I mean?

And when you get alive about a conversation and you begin to really trust and respect somebody and, you know, they're free and you really, you know, you feel like they respect you when you respect them and you feel like they're trustworthy and you know they're free and you really you know you feel like they respect you when you respect them and you feel like they're trustworthy and you feel that and then you sit down like this and you say like okay we're going to give each other our undivided attention now for some of us it means we're going to be in a room like this and the rest of the world is going to go away keeps the flame alive for others of us it means we're going to a party and we're going to be in a room like this and the rest of the world is going to go away. Keeps the flame alive.

For others of us, it means we're going to a party and we're going to like be at the party together, but we're going to keep looking at each other across a crowded room. For others of us, it means we're going to be in the kitchen and, you know, cooking together and like I'll be your sous chef, but, you know, whatever. Anything can keep the flame alive if you say I'm going to open to the flame. Okay. Well, anything else that you want to share with listeners about relationships and navigating relationships in your 40s, 50s, 60s? I mean, I could talk to you for decades and I could be done now where I'd be really interested in because of course like if I could have done this my way kind of which I could have

because I could have said why don't we have a conversation about it because guess who knows more about what a woman wants in her 50s than somebody else you so I sure you tell me what you want and tell me why you want it. Like you tell me, what do you want in a guy? And I will know that the guy you're starting to date is all those

things. But what, like, I say, what do you really, what do you want? What would make you say, oh my God, like I'm, I'm like, you know, I've, I've lived and gone to a little bit of heaven, even though we're on earth. Absolutely. Well, and I definitely did share this with the gentleman that I am in a relationship with right now. In fact, I gave him a whole list of things that I was looking at because I have done some work and I have gone into myself and really thought about what I'm looking for and what I want. But ultimately, it comes down to that I want a partner. I want somebody who's going to walk beside me and hold my hand. You know, because like I have said and was on my dating profile for a while,

I've been to the dog and pony show. I have the kids to prove it. Like, I don't need to get married again, really. Like I really honestly just want somebody to be with and to enjoy life with. It's that hope that you were talking about, right? So somebody that is just, you know, as much as I am filled up in myself being an entrepreneur and a mom and, you know, knowing that I'm, you know, providing for my family every month as much as I'm squeaking by now and again with all of that, you know, I'm doing it. I'm kicking it. I've been doing it for years now. How is this person going

to come into my life and make it even better? That's what I'm looking for. The make better, the make it amazing, the make it worth doing everything for, right? I think I like your metaphor about, you know, take my hand. So I'd want them to do three things. I'd want to know they had my back, right? I'd want them to take my hand and I want them to gaze into my eyes. And if I get close to all three of those things and somebody had my back, somebody would take my hand and somebody would like face me. And I felt good about at least two of them. I'd say I'm in pretty good shape. And something else too, and I love that.

I love what you just said. But one of my favorite quotes is Maya Angelou, very much like what you said, that life loves to be taken by the lapels and said, I'm with you, kid. Let's go. So it's very intimate looking into each other's eyes and saying, I am with you. But look, we're going that way and we're going to do it together. That is very powerful to me. And that's what I want.

That's what I'm looking for somebody that I can build with and have this amazing rest of our lives together with. Well, I tell you what you could do for me, okay? What's that? Show this to your friends. And I want to know, since you have all these people, because you had a lot of people, because you know a lot of people.

Yes. And you're very good at doing this. Show them this thing and see if it was useful. Because I really would like to know if it was useful because I'm talking out into the nowhere land, you know so right you could get them together and say let's have a conversation about this you and your girlfriend you know continue the conversation that'd be kind of cool all right right well this has been super fun thank you so so much, Dr. Andy, guided self-healing, living fearlessly. What fun, right? Like, thank you. It was totally fun and totally joy.