Heroes in Business - Andy Hahn, Fearless Living Healing Personality as Protection

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

We identify with our personality. When we realize our personality is born out of fear and protects us from experiencing it, we can feel the underlying fear and experience the gifts of our personality in this episode of Dr Andy Hahn Guided Self Healing Fearless Living  

Hi, this is Dr. Andrew Hahn or Andy Hahn, and this is podcast number 48 of Guided Self-Healing, Fearless Living. And again, we are continuing on our journey through the book, The One Hour Miracle, and we are now up to chapter 12. and chapter 12 in the book is called Personality as a Protection. Now, most of us might think, what a strange idea that our personality, which we usually identify with, like I have my personality, it's like the water we swim in if we're a fish, is really not who we are, but a protection that protects us from something we're afraid to experience about ourselves, which we call our core fear, which really the thing we're most afraid to admit about ourselves isn't who we are either. It's just a misnaming of what we might call life.

of what we might call life. So the point of understanding, why does this matter? Well, the point of understanding all this is freedom. Because if we could realize that our personality is not who we are, but a compulsion, which doesn't make it bad, it just makes it compulsive, it means we're not free. A compulsion, then if we could deal with the fear that was underlying the compulsion, which is the trauma, so it's again, like we've said before, there's a trauma and then there's a way we protect

ourselves from the trauma. And if we could deal with the trauma and then thank the protection and say, I appreciate you, but I don't need you compulsively anymore. I can still have all of your gifts, but I won't have to identify with you and then have never really experienced you, my personality, because I'm using you not to have my greatest gifts, but as a way not to feel something else. So I never get to experience the greatest gifts of my personality just to experience them. So the whole point here is freedom. So if you want to really understand this, So if you want to really understand this, I guess the best way to do it is to go back to our creation myth, right? And we said in the beginning that who we are is everything, and everything is who we are.

And then life creates little pieces of itself, and it creates them, it sustains them, it destroys them, and it mystifies them so they forget who they truly are. And then there's grace or revelation which is when there is a remembering from these little holographic points of life that who they truly are is life itself. That's the background. Now let's look at it from the point of view of the particular, of the pieces of the holographic plate, so to speak. Once we are limited, because we no longer experience ourselves as everything but something, because we no longer experience ourselves as everything but something. The whole point is that if we became who we truly were, which is life itself or the divine or whatever you want to call that,

we would cease to exist as something simple. And so as a way not to do that, we identify with that separate thing and do everything we can not to become who we truly are because if we did that, we would as a separate, limited being entirely cease to exist. To be like a drop of water falling into the ocean and dispersing all over the place until it was the ocean but was no longer the drop so to speak so then what we do is we identify with an eye right i identify and then we hold on for dear life. It's like the water, you know, it's like there's gravity, which means love, you know, and the ocean is like inviting the drop to come down and become immersed in the ocean.

And the drop is doing everything it can to fight gravity, saying, I'm going to get as far away from you as possible. up is doing everything it can to fight gravity saying I'm going to get as far away from you as possible I'll use all my energy to try not to fall into the ocean because then I will cease to exist as with all trauma which the limited part of us experience is becoming moving from everything to something as a kind of a shock we we could say, that something couldn't handle going back to who it was, it identifies not only with an I, but it identifies, as we said, when there's a trauma, with negative limiting beliefs, fear of feeling feelings, and boundary issues, which of course, in this case, there are boundary issues because you're afraid to become who you

truly are which would be the loss of a boundary seemingly. So and from our point of view all of these get wrapped up into not just an I but a limited sense of an I. So it's I becomes I am and then becomes something limited and negative limited, as we talked about in all trauma. So it would be something like I am bad. Now let's look at I am bad as a core experience of the first of the points called the perfectionist. I am bad is like going out of the fire into a frying pan, so to speak. Because I am bad, of course, protects us from no I at all, right? So I protects us from no I, but since it's traumatized, there's an I am something limited, which is I am bad. So the very protection, right, I am bad, which protects us from non-existence, is in and of itself like a smaller version of that black hole. So if I'm a perfectionist, if I really allowed I am bad, it would be like I cease to exist. So then I have to do a second sort of two-step and say,

no, it's not that I'm bad. It's that I'm good and that I'm compulsively good. That's who I am. So in a sense, what I do is I make what's called an ontological mistake. What does that mean? It means that I place goodness as fundamental, and even in some funny way, more important than beingness. I am good, therefore I am. It's not I am, I am, therefore I am, which eventually becomes everythingness, and therefore being without an I. So we, of course, identify with this I am good as a compulsion. Now let's think about the only problem with that, which is I never truly get to experience goodness. I get to experience a pseudo goodness, but not the real thing, because I'm using goodness in part not to experience I am bad, and I'm using that in part to never experience

nothingness or no thingness, right? So I go around compulsively having to be good. And then of course, badness leaks out. The badness of course leaks out towards myself, badness leaks out. The badness, of course, leaks out towards myself because it's always there knocking on our doors saying, you think you're good? Ha! You're not good. You hit a 99 on the desk. You could have studied harder and gotten 100. You'll never be really good, right? You could have done more. You could have improved. So there's this voice going on all the time. have done more. You could have improved. So there's this voice going on all the time. Now, of course, from the point of view of being a perfectionist, that voice is terrible. Like, won't you ever leave me alone? But on the whole other hand, that voice is an invitation.

What would happen if for one moment, instead of using anything we could do, right, trying to prove we're good, or telling, getting other people to, to recognize our goodness, or even, you know, having obsessive compulsive disorder in order to prove we're good, or, you know, whatever it's going to take. Or to be depressed if we aren't good enough so that at least we would say we have a reason for being not good as opposed to we're bad. Or we're anxious all the time or we don't adapt to new situations. Whatever it's going to be for us. We're zealots.

We're zealots. I'm going to enforce the good. Why? Only in order not to experience unbad. So let's suppose we did something profoundly counterintuitive. And for one second, we let ourselves fully experience this thing that we've spent so much energy trying to not experience, which is I am bad. And then we find out if we could really do that, we become more of who we are.

There's a serenity that comes over us, a sense of I'm even more truly perfect because I could be everything. I'm not so scared that I have to have a kind of pseudo perfectionism. I'd be freer. And so the invitation here is that we find the thing that we're most afraid to admit about ourselves,, the protection, for one second we let ourselves touch into that black hole, in this case called I am bad. And then once we've done that, we find we're freer. Because for a second, we didn't have to compulsively be good as a way not to experience i'm bad what a concept and then i get to experience my goodness for its own sake but i also know that to everything in its season sometimes life calls for being good and sometimes life calls for being bad and bad here usually means you know

uh play before work or something like that play before it works as a perfectionist i mean you know forget it so Boston how could you ever do that that'd be bad no it wouldn't be bad we play right so i'd be free i wouldn't be in such anxiety if I let myself be bad, which meant I was having pleasure or play before I did all my work. But that wouldn't keep me from doing all my work, so to speak. It wouldn't keep me from prioritizing, you know, accomplishment or whatever it was that I felt was the good thing. it would just mean I'd be free and what I want to suggest the Enneagram tells us is there are these nine personalities and each of them has one thing that they are most afraid to admit about themselves we spent a lot of

time on the perfectionist but if we go to the giver, our understanding from having spent a lot of time with givers is there's a profound, deep sense of unworthiness of existing. So I compulsively have to be worthy of existing by taking care of your needs, which demonstrates that I have a reason for being. So, but of course, what does that lead to? It leads to a kind of arrogance, right? And it leads to a kind of slavery because I need you to need me. And now I'm worthy, right? Well, let us suppose for one second,

I let myself touch into, I am unworthy. Without fear, but we just say, it's just one more experience in life, and suddenly we open up to something. We open up to a kind of humility. It's not that I need people to need me as a way to prove my worthiness. No, I just want to altruistically give to people, and I have a sense of serenity, and I have a sense of humility, really, is what it is. I'm really, deeply have a sense of humility. It's not that people need me. I can just give to them without needing to have them need me. So I'm free. And so the irony is that if I let myself feel my unworthiness, it leads to a sense of humility as opposed to arrogance and saying pride,

you can't live without me, the prideful stance, right? And the arrogance called hubris that goes with that no we're free and we're humble which is a great thing and what we're going to find is that's true all the way along the line so if i'm a performer right i have this fear i do nothing i create nothing i am failure so i compulsively have to do and create and succeed. But of course, I never get to experience my doing and creating and succeeding because I'm using them in order not to feel that I do nothing and I'm failure. So of course, if I let myself feel this sense of failure, then I don't have to be my image anymore. I could have a hope that if I was truly who I was, which is everything, success and failure, that I would still be acceptable.

So I would have a chance to do that. So I would have a chance to do that. Or as the romantic, you know, who says, like, I compulsively have to be special. Why? Because I feel a fear, which is that there is something wrong with me and I'm ordinary and if I were ordinary that's the equivalent of being defective. And so I have to compulsively be special and different and unique. I never get to experience that because it's not who I truly am. And I have to, even my uniqueness has to, you know,

not be the things that I'm most afraid to admit. So I'm trying to be authentic in my uniqueness. But the one thing I don't want you to know is how ordinary I am. So it's an image of uniqueness. It's not even the real deal. It's an image of authenticity. So what would happen then, of course,

if I say, you know, I'm ordinary and amazing things happen. I'm not afraid anymore. And I can touch something that's really unique, really original. And I can do it with a sense of balance and equanimity. So I'm free. And I don't have to be dramatic anymore.

I can just be. Or if I'm an observer and I say, I am self-sufficient. I'm a rock. I'm an island. A rock feels no pain. An island never cries. I take care of my own needs

and, you know, I will wall myself off from the world. Why? Because I have this sense of energetic insufficiency and particularly in my mind because of my head point. So I'm insufficient, you know, in terms of my energy and in terms of, but really I'm insufficient in terms of my mind. So I have to get every bit of information and I have to make sure that I never get drained. But of course, if I could really feel how insufficient I felt, I could truly know everything. I could truly know everything. And I could truly be powerful enough to do everything. Because I wouldn't be run by this sense of insufficiency. I would say, I am sufficient unto myself, but not in a compulsive way.

And then, of course, the world is open to us. Or I'm a loyal skeptic. And I have to be secure, and I have to move away from the things I'm afraid of, even though I'm very afraid, because the world's a dangerous place. So what would happen if for one second I noticed my own inner sense of fear that I'm a nobody and my doubt that comes with that and the sense of humiliation that I project onto the outside world but which I really am born predisposed to what's opposed I could really touch into this sense of being a nobody and all of the fear and doubt that comes with being a nobody. Then, if I had the courage to face my own inner fear and the faith

to touch, the world wouldn't be so dangerous to me anymore because I've faced my own fears inside myself. So I could walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil because I've already touched it. Or if I'm an epicure, an adventurer, and I say, of course, well, what's life about? More and more and more pleasant experiences. I want to have pleasant mental experiences. I want to have pleasant life experiences. That's who I am. Why?

Because I have an inner sense of being unfulfillable it's like the glass being half full but not fully full so anything that fills me really is who i am it's not just an experience it's who i am so it better be good you know and it better not be boring or hurtful or anything because that'd be filling me up with something poisonous as opposed to just an experience. You know, or pain. So I don't want to feel pain. So what would happen if for one second, I let myself touch into this fear I have that no matter what, I'll never be fulfilled.

I'm unfulfilled. World's open. So I no longer compulsively have to think my way out of things. I no longer compulsively have to think my way out of things. I no longer compulsively have to have the next good experience. And when someone is around and they're feeling pain, I have to get away from them because they would fill me up with their pain, right? So I would become, in a sense, instead of being gluttonous for the next good experience, I would find a sense of sobriety, not in the sense of drinking, but in the sense of like not having to be always

finding the next experience, like a child says, like, give me one more toy, give me one more cupcake, give me one more whatever it is, right? I would be free to be sober and open to these new worlds. I truly would be free. What kind of freedom that goes with that. Or if I'm a protector and I identify with being a protector and I have to be in control all the time.

I have to be powerful all the time. What would happen if I let go of my fear? And I let myself feel my vulnerability, my powerlessness, not being in control. powerlessness, not being in control. And suddenly I would find a deeper truth, not a surface truth of like, you know, the facts, but a deeper truth of my own soft heart and the innocence that comes with that and the softness that comes with that. An amazing gift. All I would have to do is let go of being in control or if I'm a mediator and the media are of course saying like I am love I am peace I compulsively have to create harmony and peace and love in the world but it's a pseudo kind of love it's not real love because it's not loving everything. It's not loving everything.

Because I don't believe that there's even a me here that's lovable. So I believe I'm profoundly unlovable. And the disharmony that comes with that. What happens if I could love my unlovability? What would happen if I could love my inner sense of disharmony? And I could know true love and I could take initiative and I could really act in the world. So this is the reason we talk about these things. And the invitation as an exercise is, for one second, find whatever it is that you're most afraid to

experience about yourself feel the sensation in your body and just for one moment don't run away from it but choose to let it pull you in with its love and go into that black hole called I am bad or unworthy or whatever it is that's yours. And then you'll find that world's open to you because then you can become who you truly are, which is everything. All you have to do is feel the thing you're most afraid of, and let it draw you into that black hole. And that black hole you'll find is everything. It's all spaciousness, it's all matter, it's all everything.

And then for a moment, you may touch into the grace itself. So having said that, thank you so much for joining me with this. Again, my name is Andy Hahn. You can reach me at ahahn, A-H-A-H-N, at lifecenteredtherapy.com. And if you want to know about all of what we do and all of our practitioners and all of our trainings, which we do online training, so you can do them from anywhere, and we teach you how to do healing work and growth work. And you can also, of course, buy our book, which has just recently come out called The One Hour Miracle. And you can read for yourself or listen if you like audio, or you can get it on Kindle and wherever you like. And you can read everything we're talking about in sessions. So thank you again. And until next time, goodbye.