Heroes in Business - Andy Hahn, Fearless Living, Individuation, Fear of Loss of Self, Seduction, Wonderful

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

We discuss for patterns, individuation, fear of loss of self, seduction, wonderful. We describe the patterns and invite you to do your own work on them in this episode of Dr Andy Hahn Guided Self Healing Fearless Living.  

Hi, this is Dr. Andrew Han, and this is episode 51 of Guided Self-Healing Fearless Living. And in this episode, we're going to talk about four more patterns. We're going to talk about individuation trauma, which is really about separation individuation trauma. We're going to talk about the fear of loss of self and relationship and that pattern. We're going to talk about seduction patterns, and we're going to talk about the fear of loss of self and relationship and that pattern we're going to talk about seduction patterns and we're going to talk about wonderful patterns so get ready for a journey that we will learn together and hopefully have some chance to experience a little of this together if you wish so let's start off with individuation trauma and individuation trauma is really about when I go off into the world, whether it's the world of soul, the first time we ever separated from source, if that's something to believe. Or, you know, even when we're children, or when we go off on journeys and we need support.

And we go out into the world and either because of our own ways of going out into the world, we go out very fast or we lose our way, or we don't even do that, but we didn't look back or we're just not, we don't have that source from which we separated when we look back. That can be really traumatic. So of course, when we go out into the world, particularly like as toddlers, we want to be able to look back

and know that home is there, excuse me, and that we can go safely out because we have something to come back to. So what happens, of course, when that is not the case, is it can be very traumatic. is not the case, as it can be very traumatic. And as I say, this happens in two realms. In the realm of energy and soul, what you get is narratives of someone who is, for the first time, energetically separating from what they consider source. And this really is about separation.

And so there's a racing out into the world. And then sometimes you race out like whatever coaches adolescents or you lose your way or something. So that no one is there when you look back and you feel like drifting, you feel lost. And that's the core of this pattern. So it really is about a pattern when I leave mother or home or whatever it is for you.

And then I look back and no one is there. And as I said, this can happen in the world of soul. If that's the case, then people will feel adrift and they feel like they search for anything that will care for them, no matter what that is. And that can be pretty devastating because they'll sort of sell their soul to have the sense of someone who is there. Or there's a variety of other things that can happen also, but the key, of course, if

it's that, is to redo the moment of this separation and individuation and make sure that there is a kind of cord of light so that when you go out into the world you know that even when you go out, you're never really separating truly. It just appears to be so, which is very, very deep. This can also happen when you leave, like stories where you leave, you know, a home, knowing that someone will be there so that you can go out into the world, whether it's a planet or a country or whatever, that you can count on something that is still there holding home and then of course, that's not what happens. Or it can happen in childhood, usually in the second, third year,

there's a whole developmental aspect called separation individuation. And it's like, you know, when you begin to become a separate human being, you need to know that there's something you can count on. And if there isn't, it can be very dangerous, you know, in terms of feeling like you're all alone and you've lost home.

So if you want to know about this, just really let yourself for one moment experience what happens in the body when you have this trauma around separation and you feel like what happens when you leave home or you leave mother or you leave whatever it is that is mother for you or parent. really whatever it is that is mother for you or parent, although usually it is more about the archetypal mother than it is about the archetypal parent, unfortunately still, because we've genderized separation. And hopefully at some point or other, that will no longer be the case. But just to feel what that feels like in the body when you separate and suddenly you look back and no one is there. And bring all your attention to the sensation. And let it share its story while you say, I am here with you. I am holding you.

I'm still witnessing you. And then if they have to, of course, they can then relive the story again, but this time doing it differently. So that's the individuation trauma. So now we go to something that is related but different, which is the fear of loss of self in a relationship. And really what this is about is that some of us are, to some degree all of us, but you know some more than others, are really afraid of the kind of levels of intimacy that can come up if you are really open and vulnerable, fully engaged, open-hearted and open-minded and transparent with someone. And when you get that fear, for whatever reason, instead of sitting with it because the fear feels too much, you do something to protect yourself from that fear. And that something can be, you get in too close and you become overly dependent, or you pull away

and you become overly isolated, but all of these are protections. Or you do something impulsively and you, in a sense, bring in a a third but the third may not be another person it may be alcohol or it may be work or it may be whatever and of course what's most often devastating in our culture is if the thing you bring in if you are doing it in a triangular way is another person and having affairs and stuff like that. So the invitation here again is to let yourself really see what happens when you open to, am I fully able to be vulnerable, fully engaged, fully open-hearted, open-minded, open-bodied with a beloved, which is usually what we're talking about here, although not exclusively. And to notice what happens in the body when you really allow yourself to open to that possibility

of being really fully fully fully present with another and insofar as that brings up anxiety which if you really allow that level of being in harm's way it can because of course if we let ourselves be transparent in some way shape or form we are in harm's way more and our capacity to hold that and then you know most of us at some point or other find that so difficult to hold so we do something and i just invite you to notice what happens when it's too scary to be that close so you get in closer you pull away or you bring something else in. And just to feel what that feels like in the body when you bring in something else to, in a sense, protect yourself from that level of intimacy. Feel it in the body and just

bring your attention there and let it share what its story is and what it means so that's the next one seduction is of course a relational pattern because of course it as always you need a seducer and a seducing um but really what seduction comes from is a kind of pseudo-aliveness so if you feel like on some level you're numb inside, you know, then you have to awaken. And instead of if you if it's too painful to sit with the sense of deadening or numbness inside, or whatever that is, you let yourself deadening or numbness inside, or whatever that is, you let yourself find some kind of pseudo-aliveness. And perhaps the archetype for this is, you know, if you have a parent who is depressed and the child needs that parent's love and doesn't feel them there,

they may do anything, you know, in order to get their parents to reawaken. But of course, that doesn't exactly solve the problem, because the problem is that the parent is depressed, or whatever is going on, and not fully able to be there. And so the child then instead of really just being present with the parent has to do something to try to awaken the parent, which doesn't really work. And then they get into some kind of symbiotic relationship where they become enmeshed with each other and then pull away, etc. That's what happens there. And the same thing, of course, happens in relationships where, you know, we can't handle the level of intimacy in a relationship. And so we bring in some other.

And, of course, it's not just about, you know, intimacy where we bring in another. Because seduction is when there's any egoic need or any egoic gratification that gets in the way of being truly engaged with life so the story of dr faust and mephistopheles and saying like you know i don't feel fully enlivened because i want to have power i want to have uh fame or i want to have whatever so you let yourself be seduced into it, or you seduce others so that they will give you what you need. And so if we're looking at seduction patterns, you look at times that you felt dead, and then you're open to something that felt charismatic, but not like the real deal. So feel that deadening in the body body and the pseudo-aliveness that came or you know if

you're being the seducer in that situation that uh you need something also and so you seduce the other in order to get your own sense of gratification or ego-aliveness, you know, this often happens in relationships for whatever reason. So I just invite you again to feel the craving for a kind of aliveness when you feel kind of numb or dead inside. Feel that in the body. And just open to what happens in the body

when you really allow. I seduce others to feel alive because I don't feel alive or I let someone else seduce me in order to feel this heightened sense of pseudo-aliveness feel it in the body again and just bring all your attention there and let it share the story of what it really needs the real deal and of course you will needs, the real deal. And of course, you will give it the real deal because you'll say, I'm here with you and I have no agenda. I'll just be with you and let you share the sensation. So the last pattern I want to talk about here

is wonderful patterns. And wonderful patterns are interesting because they're not about something that is too bad. There's a trauma also about something that is too good. The classic example of that, of course, is, you know, somebody who really, you know, is high school and has never, never stood out. And then for one moment catches, you know, the touchdown pass, you know, that was the championship or something. But the rest of the time they were sort of in the back room. So it was so much better than everything else.

There's what's called positive emotional charge. And, you know, 40 years later, this person is still at the bar talking about that one catch and, you know, trying to reenact it. and, you know, trying to reenact it. Because, you know, it's the same with any kind of trauma, if we can get stuck in that moment and keep trying to create that moment over and over and over again. And that can be, of course, about some moment like what we're talking about here. It can also be about love relationships. So suppose we carry a flame, because we had, you know, the ideal relationship in high school and we had never was first love and we're carrying a flame for this person because we moved away from each other and somehow lost each other, but we'll never find a relationship that good. So everything becomes compared to that, you know, idealized relationship and is found wanting.

you know, idealized relationship and is found wanting. And so you have to then be with the part of you that has idealized it and compares it to everything else and never finds anything else that lives up to that standard. Feel that in the body and let it share and give it what it truly needs, which is, you know, true love as opposed to this craving. Because, of course, what we're dealing here with is craving, like an addictive quality. And of course, the same thing can be true for food. It's like, you know, one reason we have a wonderful pattern is something tastes so good, you know,

chocolate chip cookies, it tastes so good that there's a craving for that experience. And if you crave that experience, you lose your mind and you lose your discernment and you just keep eating them. Why? Because they taste so good. So there's this positive emotional charge that wipes out your capacity to say, do I really want to do this? Is it really worth the gratification, the taste,

just to have that experience, but then to gain a lot of weight. Some of us know that intimately, I have to say. Or, you know, or also around food, you know, sometimes people are rewarded by food. And so, you know, they associate food with, you know, the really good moments in their life because, you know, they got a good grade and their parents, you know, gave them food or something and, you know, there's a compulsion to feel good through food you know because it's uh it was the way that um care and being fed literally instead of being emotionally fed you may been physically fed and so that becomes something you crave um and what you'll also find is that if there are certain moments in your life if your life feels sort of like it was uh nondescript

but something happens where a parent treats you specially that also can be a wonderful pattern so you know you know if they always, if you have a parent, a father who neglected you, but like really loved the piano, and you started taking piano lessons, and for once, he gives you all kinds of attention and actually gets you into a, you know, a competition and goes out of his way to do whatever it takes to get you into it. You may find that you're in relationships where you are you know feeling like the person doesn't give you enough attention but occasionally it's like being a gambler you get this sense of a hit and that of course you know gambling is a kind of wonderful thing where you get this hit but it's fool's gold it never really

gives you what you want because it you know it's like having a jackpot for a moment but then you, of course, lose. So you can feel that in your body. Also this sense of craving and this addiction for something that feels so wonderful when everything else pales in comparison. You just feel that.

So we've now taken you on a quick journey through these four patterns. And, you know, stop. If you want to, you can go back and listen. And you can stop and feel these things in the body and let them share. Because, you know, it's like they just have their stories to share. And when we choose to become the sensations, we no longer are stuck there, reliving those stories unconsciously. But we become, by choice, those beings, whether they're younger us or some other character altogether.

And then we, of course, become the one who identifies with choosing the larger self that says, I'm here with you. And I'm, of course, become the one who identifies with choosing the larger self that says I'm here with you. And I'm bearing witness to you. And I'm giving you what you wanted always, which was just the sense of I accept you. So having said that, we've now gone through all of our patterns, and we've gone through the appendix. And again, I am very reachable. My name is Andy Han, and you can reach me at ahan at lifecenteredtherapy.com. You can find out all about our work at lifecenteredtherapy.com. So you can find out about our institute and all about life-centered therapy and all of our certified practitioners and all about our online training. and all of our certified practitioners and all

about our online training. And of course, you can also find our book there, which is what I've been talking about for these last many sessions called The One Hour Miracle. And, you know, it's always a miracle when for a moment, we become freer of our fear and we become freer to live in alignment with life. So until our next time, I wish you well, and, you know, I wish you the joy of freedom, of becoming more of who you are. Bye.