Heroes in Business - Belly Points, 3 Variations Healing Soul Wounds

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Describe Enneagram Belly Points. 9. Mediator. 1. Perfectionist. 8. Protector. Self Forgetting and Anger Points. Core Fears. Unlovability, Bad, Impotent. Healing Soul Wounds on this episode of Guided Self Healing Fearless Living with Dr. Andy Hahn

Hi, this is Andy Han again, and this is episode 16 of Guided Self-Healing Fearless Living, and this one is called Head Points, Three Variations Healing Soul Wounds. So we've already talked about heart points, which we would call our points in the Enneagram two, three, and four and heart points basically say, I feel therefore I am as a way to not experience a sense of no head or lack of discernment. So they elevate feeling. And we've checked out the head points, which say, I think therefore I am as a way of elevating thinking so that they don't have to feel the anxiety of being no body. And now we go to the belly points. And the belly points elevate, we could say, sensing something and then acting as a way.

So sensing and doing or responding or reacting. So I react or I respond or I sense and I do, therefore I am, as a way of not experiencing the anxiety of I am no heart. And what no heart here means is that I don't know my own passion. So if I am left to my own devices, creating something from scratch is very difficult. Or as someone in one of our trainings a long time ago said, they were an interior designer. And I said, you give me anybody else's space and I know exactly what has to happen.

We can do it in four days. I've been working on my own space for 14 years and I still have no idea about what I want. It was a great example. So belly points. And what belly points all have in common is that they perceive the world through their belly. Or to put it differently, if you want to know viscerally, if you want to know who has the power, you don't think about it. If you come into a room or you don't have an emotion about it, you can just sense it.

If you want to know if there's harmony or disharmony, you don't think about it, you don't have an emotion about it, you just sense it. If you want to, you walk into a room and you want to know if something is out of place or if everything is perfect, you don't think about it, you don't have an emotion about it, you can just sense it. So belly points perceive the world through their gut knowing about whatever it is that they focus on. That's why they're called belly points. But interestingly, even though in some ways they perceive the world through their belly, they are, in my understanding of things, not fully embodied. And what does it mean to be fully embodied? To be fully embodied means that you have to know your own passion,

your own heart's desire. And belly points are called the points, the mental issue is called self-forgetting, and the emotional issue is called anger. So we have three points that forget themselves, which means they don't know what they truly desire. And the question is, when you feel forgotten or you forget yourself, you can get angry.

And then the question is, what are you going to do with the anger? So we have points eight, nine, and one called the protector and called the mediator and called the perfectionist. And each of those says something about what we're going to do with the question of I've forgotten myself, even though it will feel like I've been forgotten and what I do with the anger. So if you're in the center of this, which is point nine, what we've already

discovered is the center points, three, six, and nine, identify with the mental issue and dissociate the emotional issue, which means that nines, called mediators, identify with self-forgetting, I forget myself, and they dissociate anger, which means anger basically doesn't exist as a concept, which of course means that it becomes very hard to set boundaries. And basically, if you're a nine, you say, I play your game, therefore I am. say, I play your game, therefore I am. So I don't know my own game, but I would love to be a player in yours. And so nines are the kind of people who say, like, I know everybody else's point of view, but I don't know my own point of view, which of course is why they're great mediators because they can merge with everybody else's point of view.

And if they're the mediator, they don't have to have a point of view because their point of view is that they're there to help everybody else with their own point, you know, with whoever they are, with their points of view. And of course, there are great gifts with this, which is that you are someone

who can really attune to other people and you are sort of like very even right and uh you're uh you're upbeat even though you're very even because like you know you're always there for other people and they of course appreciate that because you're sort of the glue that holds everything together from behind and all you need is acknowledgement not even appreciation so much just acknowledgement because all you need is acknowledgement, not even appreciation so much, just acknowledgement, because all you want to know is that you exist. So, you know, that's the great gift.

But the great challenge is the same thing, which is, you know, everybody's point of view, but your own. So if someone says, you know, for a nine, where would you like to go for lunch or something? And a nine will typically say, it doesn't matter. Let's go wherever you want, because if you're happy, I'm happy. And, you know, in the beginning, that can sound very good. But at some point, the person who is being given that gift might begin to say, you know, what would make me happy here is if I don't have to make all the decisions. And I really want to know what you want.

And I can wait here for as long as it takes for you to tell me because I don't want to make the decision. And at that point, the nine might get very anxious and say, well, I don't know, but I'll put it out there very tentatively. And then, you know, if you don't do anything except for say, oh, thank you so much. Let's go for Thai food or whatever it is. But you say, oh, Thai. Well, how about Italian?

They'd say, well, why did you even ask me that? Because you didn't really want to know. Because if you wanted to know, if I put it out there, which took so much work, much work. The least you could do is honor me by acknowledging that work, which took a lot out of me. So that's point nine. And so the issues here are called, as we said, self-forgetting, but self-forgetting, and the passion is called acedia which it translates as sloth but it's not really sloth it's called spiritual sloth which means I don't know who I am so you could say that nine is sort of pseudo-spiritual because most of us aspire to letting go of ego but of course in order to let go of something,

first you've had to have held it against yourself with great passion so you can let it go. But if you start off saying, I am you, therefore I am, then the thing you have to do is develop something separate first before you can let it go. So that's the issue with nines. So what is the fear here? Really? Why would someone compulsively

have to create harmony and love in the world? Well, there has to be a fear of unlovable-ness. And of course, with a nine, there is a fear of unlovableness because if you don't exist, how can you love or how can you be loved? And, you know, harmony, everything becomes chaotic. So there's an inner experience of chaotic. So we have to make everything harmonious. So there is intention, there isn't conflict. And of course, all of this, you know, ultimately in the mental state is i don't matter so of course i have to find a way to be acknowledged to know that i do matter so if we're going to work with the core fears which we've talked about of the points what you'd have to do if you were a nine is you'd have to go into the heart,

not the heart that says, I know what I'm feeling, because nines can sometimes know what they're feeling, even reactively, but the heart that says, I look to know what I desire, what I want, what I feel, who I am, and I find a black hole, which we call the black hole of unlovability. And the question is, can I be with that black hole? Can I notice what that feels like and bring all my attention to those sensations and feel the sensation of unlovability, of not mattering, of in some ways not even existing, because of course you're not embodied if you don't know what your heart's desire is.

And if you can begin to do that, then you get to be free. And then you can even take a chance and say, well, I may not know what i want i'm gonna fake it till i make it so that's point nine point one called the perfectionist is called the internalization of self-forgetting and the internalization of anger so what does a perfectionist do a perfectionist basically says there is a ethical vision to live up to. And under the best of circumstances, it is a vision that is a principled vision. But it can also be sort of very perfectionistic, like there are rules. The rules have to be followed no matter what.

You know, it's sort of like you steal a loaf of bread, and you broke the rules, so we're going to have to go after you forever, even if you had very good reason, because you can't break the rules. That's what a perfectionist would say, most perfectionists anyway, even though they may have a rule that says you can occasionally break the rules, particularly if you're on vacation,

because then you get to get away from all this stuff. So we have somebody who is always trying to improve, because if you get a 98, of course, you could have gotten 100 if you work harder. So it's like work always comes before play. And, you know, there will always be less and always more to do. Now, why is this a point of self-forgetting? Why is it the internalization of anger?

Because, of course, well, why is it a point of self-forgetting? And what you'll find is that what has been what's happened here is that rules or the right thing has been substituted for what i really desire so if you ask a perfectionist what they really desire they may or may not know but they can tell you what the right thing to do is they can tell you what the rule is but they not may not know what they really desire so they focus on the right thing or the rules as a way not to have to deal with the anxiety of not knowing what they desire. So they never get to really live that principle fully because you can only live the principle when

you're not doing it in order not to experience something else. And why is it the internalization of anger? Because even if those of us who've been around perfectionists might say they're very critical of us, of course, you talk to any self-respecting perfectionist and they'll say, I'm much more critical of myself than anybody else. You know, I live in this world of shoulds. I should have done this. I should have done that. I'm very anxious because like i may not accomplish everything that i have to accomplish here right and you know it's a it's a place of not being able to adapt easily because you have to live with the rules so um that's why it's the internalization of anger. It's anger turned on the self, self-critical anger. Now, of course, that righteousness can, of course, leak over. So if someone else doesn't follow the rules,

when you're following the rules, you can get very angry secondarily at them because it's self-righteous, of course, which is that if I'm following the rules, everybody else should be following the rules too. And it's not that there's something wrong with that. It's just when it's compulsive, there's no opportunity for looking at context at all because it becomes pretty black and white.

So what would the core fear be of somebody who consciously and consistently, compulsively has to be right or good or whatever they're going to be? And of course, the core fear is going to be something about this fear that I am. I do bad. And so everything becomes an opportunity to do bad. You get an idea in the test you've done bad because you could have gotten two more right. So you've lived up to the ideal, the rule and to the ethical ideal. So there's always an opportunity, you know,

to focus on what is wrong, not wrong in the sense of dangerous, but wrong in the sense of like, we haven't lived up to the ideal, the ethical ideal. So if I'm a perfectionist and I want to be free, I have to become aware of, allow, bring all my attention to and accept, even if I don't like, I am bad. And of course, the way you do that is you focus in the body and you fully allow the sensations that are associated that I am bad and you just

are with them and you let them share whatever they want while you just hold them and witness them. That's the way to freedom. And of course, if you do that, you move from being perfectionistic, which means I'm the one who has to make the world correct and proper to a sense of perfection, that the world is perfect exactly the way it is, including the changes that will naturally happen if my reactivity and my judgmentalism don't get in the way, but I can

just say yes to what is. And of course, nothing can stop the evolution of things because we are with what is. And then of course, we move from this place of righteousness to a place of serenity. So the serenity prayer clearly was built from people who were perfectionists, particularly although it applies to all of us because serenity is the higher aspect, you could say, of righteous indignation. It says, you know,

I will do the serenity prayer. I will have serenity. And I will be able to accept the things I cannot change. The wisdom to... I'm forgetting the serenity prayer, but I'm not a perfectionist. So that's the work, is to have serenity as opposed to this righteous indignation. In order to do that, I have to fully allow I am bad.

And of course, you have to have all your gifts of being someone who does things on time and is always focused and occasionally you can just let it all go and just not have lists. Just do whatever you want. Go to the beach first or something. And then of course there is point eight, which is the protector, and that is the externalization of anger and self-forgetting so what does that mean it means you know the externalization of that says i don't know what i desire but i can take anything i want so i had this eight you know a workshop and i said you know well dates are self- herself a meeting point she said what are you talking about I can do whatever I want and I said okay well what do you want to do and she said well I'm

a member of three boards and I just you know take over and I make them run and I do everything and I said that's great what do you really desire and she said you don't get it I can do anything I want you know I said do you ever ask yourself the question, do you really want to run the three boards? Do you really want to be the one who takes, you know, is the most competent and, you know, is always responsible? Do you really want to just answer everybody's questions and, you know, be the most competent one there? Do you even ask if you want to do those things? Do you really know what you desire? Or do you just know what you're very, very good at

and that you can make things work? And she said, I got it. And she started to cry. People had never seen this woman cry as far as I know. But she really started to cry. She said, I have no idea what I want. You know? She said, I have no idea what I want.

Or as my partner in my institute says, who is a wonderful aide, he says, give me anything and I can make it better. He said, I can go into the best restaurant and you give me the menu, I can make it better. But you give me a blank piece of paper and you say, make whatever menu you want. She said, it's very, very difficult. Give me something outside to respond to and I can respond. See, exactly. My dear cat is obviously agreeing with this even though she's saying what are you doing here we should be going someplace else but be that as it may you know so she knows what she wants but

she's not an aid anyway so this is of course funny because in the last podcast we talked about cat allergies which i don't have so So what the point here is that all of these points don't have any idea what they truly desire. Now, if you're an eight, you know, you know, you have great gifts, obviously, you know, how to be competent, you know how to be a leader, you know how to protect people. You know how to be a leader. You know how to protect people. You can take any circumstance, which is Joni's contribution to all of this, who is a woman I work with.

And she said, you know, hierarchically, you can know what is important and what isn't. And you can just always know. You can suss out what's really important what isn't important and focus on what's really important in a bullet point kind of way it's really quite a gift and you can apply it in any circumstance it's really what i think is fundamentally true about AIDS because she's taught me all about this you know so there are all these great gifts you know but with the gifts come the same thing as the difficulties which is the one who typically has to be the one in control.

It feels uncomfortable if you're not in control, unless you really, really respect the person who is, which would then be typically another eight, and you're not in some kind of challenging situation with them. So what would be the fear here? And the fear, of course, would be the fear here, you know? And the fear, of course, would be impotence. You know, the sense of powerlessness.

So what would happen if I could allow my impotence? You know, there's a great story about, it's in a book called Avalanche by an author named Brew Joy, who was a teacher of mine. And he said, you know, there's a story about this Native American great chief. And he was a great warrior. And, you know, when he got to be in his late 40s, he had a dream. And in the dream, he was dressed like a little girl living with children and the women. And he realized that everything was out of balance, apparently.

So he dressed like a little girl and went and lived with the children and the women. And apparently, according to the story, that allowed for even far more abundance and the best for the tribe because he wasn't afraid to face his own impotence, to face his own weakness and vulnerability. And in that way, you become a true leader because you sometimes know that the greatest power is to be powerless, you know. So again, we have these three variations

of these belly points, you know, and you can step into them. What would it be like if you were someone who said, "'If you're happy, I'm happy,' and you lived your whole life that way. So spend a second and just be with that. You might know what it for a moment, it's like to be a mediator, someone who's a nine, basically says, I may not know my own passion, but I certainly know how to merge with you and align with you. Or a perfectionist who is this internalization of anger

and self-forgetting that says, I may not know what I desire, but I know what the right thing to do is. I know what the rules are. I know what the vision is. Whether I'm Gandhi or Miss Manner, it's like it's the same story, right? The great gifts and challenges of that, if you look to life, always having to live up to

these, the vision of principled rules, right? Or if I'm a protector in the externalization of this, the externalization being someone who's called a protector. I'll protect the people around me and I'm the most powerful and I can make anything happen. And I'm a natural leader. I know what's most important, what isn't important. But, you know, then I can also live with the ends, justify the means. And the only question is going to be, how much are you willing to face the things you're most afraid to experience about yourself,

whether it's unlovability or badness or impotence. And the more you're willing to really allow those things you're afraid to experience about yourself, the more you become free because then no one can ever push your buttons, because you've already pushed your own, and found out that you can be with whatever comes up. So my dear friends, we've now gone through our whole journey of three centers, and three variations. And now all we have to do, of course, is go through what we call the subtypes, which is our deepest instinctual drives. And we will go to them next time or very soon and make our energetic understanding of ourselves complete. So until then, I wish you well. And do really begin to reflect on yourself and where you fit into this path. What is your core motivation?

Where does your attention naturally go? What do you compulsively do? What are you afraid to admit? And then you can do that with the people around you and maybe you can have greater understanding and greater compassion and greater capacity to act in the service of something greater than your egocentric ways of being in the world. So until then, again, my name is Andy Hahn and our website, which has a lot on the Enneagram is called lifecenteredtherapy.com. And of course I would love any comments, any reflections, any questions,

any disagreements. I love any comments, any reflections, any questions, any discreements. I love discreements. Any skepticism. And if you want to write me, my address is A-H-A-H-N, Ahon, at LifeCenteredTherapy.com. So until we meet again, thank you so much. Goodbye.