Heroes in Business - Deathwish and Wounded/Patterns Pt 3

Episode Date: April 17, 2021

Discuss Death-wish & Wounded Patterns. What is the core experience? How does it show up symptomatically? How do you transform? What are the consequences? Fear of accidents as invitation to re-membering in this episode of Guided Self Healing Fearless Living with Dr. Andy Hahn  

Hi, my name is Dr. Andrew Han, and this is the eighth episode of Guided Self-Healing, Fearless Living. And this episode is called The Power of Pattern, and this is the third power of pattern. And today we're going to talk about two patterns, a pattern called the death wedge and a pattern called the wounded pattern. So let's just remember what pattern is and why it's important. Patterns are universal themes. So they are themes like beliefs that you know aren't true or fear of feeling feelings, or boundary issues, or they are universal themes that are sort of in myth, like neglect or betrayal, which we're going to talk about today, or power, the power pattern,

or they're in the non-material realms, which are any stories that are extant in our world, like stories about ghosts or energies that take you over or curses. And then finally, they're stories of the ways we protect ourselves by choosing to limit ourselves as a way to make sure we never experience something worse. And these are universal kinds of stories. experience something worse. And these are universal kinds of stories. And we've been over the ones that affect one of our centers, the head, which is about beliefs, the heart, which is about feelings, and the belly, which is about boundaries. And we've started in on these universal themes that affect all of the centers and create many beliefs and that are beliefs that we know on a

deeper level aren't true. Many fear of feeling our feelings and being a choice about expression and many boundary issues, which means we don't get to choose what goes in and what goes out. And in our first episode of this part of it, these universal themes, we talked about four themes briefly, splits and multiples, and then grudges and neglect. And now we're going to go on and we're going to talk about death wishes and wounded patterns. So we're going to start with death wishes, and I'm actually going to use only one story that, because sometimes you can put two patterns together. So I'm going to show you a story that will really reveal about both of them. So a death wish is very simple.

On the simplest level, it's a pattern where you experience, as someone in your community, because I said before, I think we're made up of a large community of people, and sort of like at our best, we're the container executive and our worst, or not the container or the executive, but be that as it may, we're made up a large community of people and some of them have experiences and those, that community, of course, can be us at any age in this lifetime,

or it can be us from what we might call our genealogy, which is our bloodline. So we carry all of the stories of our bloodline, plus stories of our race and our sex and our gender and our ethnicity. We carry all these stories, and then we carry what we call karmic stories. And karmic stories, whether you believe in reincarnation or not if you do believe in reincarnation and you believe that we who we are is energy and the energy goes on so that our bodies are sort of like clothes and that the energy can manifest over and over and over again by slowing itself down a lot um then you could say, I believe in other lifetimes. But if you don't, that's fine. Then

you could call it undreamed dreams, or you could call it personal mythology, or you could call it just the imaginal or your imagination. So we're going to find stories today about two things. The first, a death wish, which is the core experience, because we always look for the core experience which inducts us, is a part of me wants to die. That is the typical core experience of a death wish. And a part of me wants to die can mean a few things. It can mean literally something like, I wish I were dead, right? Because something so horrific happens. So some kind of loss or violence or catastrophe

or whatever, or a sense of shame, you know? So it can be literally that. It can be something which is a deeper and more kind of insidious belief. Someone who loves me wants me dead. So that in order to have their love, I have to want to die. And that usually is about something that in our field we call projective identification, which means typically the way that that happens in more traditional psychology is a parent will have some aspect of themselves that they can't handle.

And so what they do is they project that onto their child and their child may have qualities of it, but they project it onto their child, and then they want to kill it in their child, and their child, wanting their love, has to want to die, and that, of course, is very insidious. Or it can mean, which it almost always means if we're looking at another lifetime, when we say a part of me wants to die, what that really typically means is that they had some kind of horrific death or some kind of death that they couldn't handle. And it's the death scene itself, which they can't handle because it's either physically or emotionally or spiritually too painful. So they leave. And if you're a psychologist,

you call that dissociation. If you're a more soul level psychologist, you might call it a lost soul part. They really, in some ways are the same thing. And it just means that you can't handle a situation. So you literally kind of leave your body as a way of protecting yourself. And of course, you know, we hear stories of this all the time when there's violence and someone says, suddenly I was watching it from above and they were doing something to the body, but they weren't doing something to me. And that's the same idea. And of course you can dissociate when you're going through something that will kill you in the story. And if that happens and you're out of the body, something really kind of interesting happens, which is you would have on some level known you would die. You would have at least thought you had died,

but you wouldn't have experienced dying because you wouldn't have been in the body when the body died. It's sort of like you left the body and then sort of like you left your home, so to speak. And then when you came back, the home burned down. So there was no home to go back into. So you're kind of stuck. And that actually is the experience of people who have this experience. They experience that they're out of the body and then there's no body. And so of course they never get to experience dying. And so their experience then is I want to experience dying or what they would say is I want to die. And people live out death scenes in stories over and over and over again.

So that is the standard situation if we're talking about a death wish, what we call a death wish from a karmic life, is that you will play out the death scene and to some degree or other, the final choices you made, the final thoughts or other, the final choices you made, the final thoughts you had, the final feelings you were having, all of those kinds of things. So that's a death wish. And death wishes come, you know, in all kinds of varieties. I've just seen a few, which I'm thinking about because I've just seen a few of them, which were death and child birth. And if you die in childbirth, of course, you wouldn't know you died in childbirth, but it may show up in a lot of different ways. It may show up

in horrific periods. It may show up because then you'd be bleeding out like you were really reliving the story. Or it can play out in profound fears of pregnancy. It can play out in real issues around sexuality. I mean, you know, it can play out in terror that doesn't make sense. It can play out in not wanting to be open to new possibilities because it reminds you of being open. It can mean not wanting to let things out of yourself because you associate that with death. The kinds of things that can come up in those stories are really remarkable. And I've seen a few of them over the past week. And

the symptoms, when they're only about that, they go away. If it's fear of, if it's terrible periods, that can go away. I've seen people who were having real trouble with pregnancy and suddenly they would become pregnant because they took care of the woman who died in childbirth. Of course, that's not the only reason people can not get pregnant. They can have medical reasons also. Or as I'm thinking about it now, I also saw a woman not so long ago who had what we called a process curse, which is just a little, we're taking a little side trip here, but she had been cursed in another lifetime, which was, and the curse was really quite horrific, which was not only did someone curse her by saying, you will never get pregnant, but it was really horrendous because the curse, when I say it's process, it was not about a content, you

won't get pregnant, but it was about a process, which is the harder you try to get pregnant, the more miserable you will be, and you still won't get pregnant. And that's what this person was living out until we found out that, of course, it was this particular kind of process, curse, and took care of the curse. But that, as we say, is just a content area. All right. So that's what a death wish is. And a wounded pattern came out of the work I was doing at the time on wounded healers. And of course, a wounded healer is someone who betrayed a trust. I betrayed a trust. And if you were a wounded healer or a wounded holy one, then it gets worse because then it's more like I not only betrayed a trust, but I broke a covenant, like some kind of sacred covenant about my own spiritual development and the spiritual development of my community. And that can create havoc in somebody's life because they will keep finding ways not to get ego gratification because they associate any kind of ego gratification depending on what the nature of the betrayal was.

If the betrayal was around using people for material gain, then they will not be able to have abundance and they can do affirmations forever. But of course, the core experience of the trauma of betraying the trust and using people for material gains, or if it's for sexual gains, it will play out in all kinds of issues around sexuality. Or if it's for power, it will play out in all kinds of issues around power if the core issue is betrayal. So if you're using your spiritual powers to power over people, then you'll have tremendous issues around that. The worst of those patterns is not just a wounded holy one, but something we call a holy one gone bad.

And that's when there is a maliciousness to it. It's like you are using your powers very actively to create something heinous. And if you hear stories, not just the people who use their spiritual gifts for power, but for murdering people or enslaving people or whatever, those beings that on one level carry a very high vibration, but on another level have not done what we call our lower chakra work, they will fall very, very far. And they will have to make that up karmically, because as they say, what goes around comes around. And that, of course, makes for a lot of difficulty. So let me tell you one story that puts together both a part of me wants to die in another lifetime. It was a karmic life.

And this theme about betrayal. And in this case, it was not a holy being that betrayed. But as you'll see, it was a leader of men who betrayed. And you'll see what happens. So we had a woman who came to one of our demonstrations. I'm going to put these two things together. It didn't exactly play out this way, but I wanted to use it, talk about it this way for demonstration purposes for us. So I'm changing the facts a little bit to make it work for what we're trying to explain here, but not much. I mean, not in any way that's

of profound relevance for us, but I just wanted to say that because I'm trying to teach you something in a contained period of time. So this woman came in and she had had a horrendous accident and she told us that she'd only be able to sit for a few minutes and then she would have to stand up because if she sat for too long, she would be in excruciating pain. And this had been going on for about seven years. And I will tell you about the nature of the accident later. this tremendous accident. The reason for this excruciating chronic back pain was not physical, it was energetic, which means that even this accident, which looked like her being a victim of fate, so to speak, wasn't just an accident on a personal level. Of course, it was a horrendous accident. And you have great sympathy for this woman because she really did have a bad accident.

sympathy for this woman because she really did have a bad accident. But on the soul level, it was trying to serve her to help her to remember where something crystallized around a traumatic death and around betrayal. So we could find that out and we could do an induction if we were using, if we took this where both of those things were there. And what we could say is that her chronic back pain equals a part of me wants to die and I betrayed a trust. And when you have her do all three at once, what you find out is her back pain becomes excruciatingly worse. So here's how that looked. I asked her, because we're doing this as a demonstration, if she wanted to stand or sit, and she said, well, I really would prefer sitting, but I have to stand because if I do this for an hour, I will be, you know, extremely tired, you know, but I can't sit because I would be in horrific pain. So she was doing the standing, and we have her focus on her back pain, and a part of

me wants to die, and I betrayed a trust, at which point her back pain, which because she was standing wasn't really bad, became excruciatingly worse. So she then, we tell her, what you're going to do is you're going to become back pain. You're going to bring all your attention to back pain like you are. Your new name is back pain from the inside out. And then of course, what we do is we always do is we say back pain. What did you come to share? Not only about something that was played out in this accident, but wanting to experience dying and betraying a trust. And then she says something to the effect of, you know, I see myself.

She had never done this kind of work as far as I know. But she saw herself as the head of a large army in Rome. And she was, as a man, she was a man in the story, and she was, he was the head of the army and, or this, this, this group of soldiers and warriors. And there was this other army and she tells us the story, which is that he, in that lifetime, and this other leader come out into the center and make an agreement that instead of having everybody fight each other and have a big bloodbath, they will just fight each other. And whoever wins will get the loser's troops, the loser's army, as slaves. losers' troops, losers' army as slaves. And so he goes back to his soldiers and says, I've made this agreement. This is what's going to happen. So they go and fight and they're out in the desert. And this leader is kind of nonchalant about the whole thing because he just thinks he's got it and doesn't have to you know he's paying attention

but really wasn't quite paying enough attention wasn't fully engaged wasn't fully present and as a result what happens is he gets tripped and knocked onto his back and as he's trying to stand up, what he says is this wave of sand comes, because they're in the desert and it's very windy, the wave of sand comes and sort of blows him over and knocks him down onto his stomach. And he sees this other general behind him. And he sees him raising up his sword and his last thoughts, he doesn't know he had died,

his last thought before he says, like, I can only imagine I must have died, is I betrayed thousands of men by my negligence and by my arrogance and by my, you know, not taking, not really being responsible, or I should have been really responsible. So we say, all right, you have two problems. The first one is you never really experienced dying. And the second is you believe you betrayed this trust. So what you're going to do is you are going to go and we're going to go to the moment where you die. And we're going to, this time,

you're going to call all the parts back because you can do that because now that you know what's happened, you know more than that part knows. So you're going to call all parts back into the body right before you die. And then we already have your final experiences. Then you're going to let yourself fully die. And then you're going to choose to go out of the body and you're going to go out right through the crown of the head. And so he, as this leader does that and then what i say is okay you're going to go to the time in

between lives you're going to find these men because at some point or other they will all die and you can find their souls um and what you're going to do first is you're going to just say, I am so sorry. And I really did a terrible thing here by not paying attention, by not being responsible enough. And I should have been way more responsible, which was, of course, the final thought there. And, you know, I'm just so sorry. And you're going to tell me what it's like. And I'm just going to listen me what it's like, and I'm just going to listen to what it was like for you. Now, what I want you to know is often in those scenes, on a person-to-person level, the people you betrayed, because you can betray, of course,

others, you can betray yourself, you can betray the divine, which is a different thing, because the divine will never feel like it's betrayed, it will just say it was serving life, but if you betray others, they'll often say, really, you know, they'll tell you what it was like for them. But instead, in this story, all of these men were laughing. And they said, we forgave you like 2000 years ago, because we had to learn a lesson, which is that you had trained us to be soldiers and we were trained to be soldiers and warriors. And we should have at least said, you know, we're here because this is our, our identity. This is our role in life. You know, that this is our soul journey is to be soldiers and we didn't speak up and we could have at least said something so um you know and spoken up for

ourselves so we had to learn that and then if you said no then of course we would follow along but we had to learn to do that so at that point this man gets this smile on his face and like feels like such a sense of relief and a weight off of his back although of course he was stabbed in the back or sorted in the back and then we say okay you're done there and now you can look up and uh this person then sees light and goes goes to the light and is just done it's like saying i am the light and i'm. And they were done and all their back pain went away for a short period of time, at least because when that happens and it's just energetic, of course, the back pain is no longer necessary. So it just dissolves. It just goes back into its pure form,

which is energy. Well, the woman says, I don't think that's going to keep happening, but I really would like to sit down for a little while because I'm tired because this took about 40 minutes. And so she sits down and we all start talking and she talks about what it was like for her because she had never done anything like this. And other people did that too. And she starts telling us the story of the accident and the story of the accident was she was with a bunch of mothers and they had trained their kids to swim and they were out in the ocean. There was no lifeguard and the mothers were taking turns watching the kids. And it's her turn, but she's not really paying enough attention. And then she looks up and it looks like, you know,

one of the kids particularly is like in trouble. So she races out to try to save the kid and gets knocked over by a big wave and smashes her back on a very sharp rock. And all the kids get themselves out, right? And she gets dragged out and gets rushed to the hospital. And they say it looks like a horrific car accident. And they work on her back. I think they did surgery on her back, but I don't remember because it was a long time ago.

And, you know, that was seven years earlier, and she still has the back pain. And she's telling us the story, and she gets done, and then she realizes she's been sitting for an hour with no back pain, which for her was truly a miracle. I'm not saying all back pain is like that. And she says, it's a miracle. And, you know, you can see that this thing that looks like fate and an accident on one level, of course, is. But on another level, it is our unconscious soul bringing to us what we needed exactly in order to heal and grow. Except, you know, it's the only way life can give us a clue is to show us a dream or like all of life is a dream. It's all a trance. And we think, like all of life is a dream it's all a

trance and we think you know free will or just it's an accident but no on one other level it's not that at all it's ourselves attracting to ourselves the best thing we can attract in order to heal what we've not been able to handle on some level what hasn't been able to be handled and then of course to evolve so you can see how the template works you know instead of a group of warriors we have a group of swimmers they've both been trained they're both doing their thing and they're both out there and he in both cases is not exact replicas because it's 2 000 years it's never exactly the same in my experience or almost never exactly the same but you know he's not paying enough attention he sees what's happening to the soldiers in this case which are of course the troops you know in the original story and the swimmers in this story

races out to try to save them um and is not particularly paying attention to what's going on gets knocked over by a wave which is exactly how woman, as this man described the sand in the story, and gets knocked over. And this case hits her back on something that felt like a sword, as opposed to being killed by a sword, and feels like she's betrayed a trust in the first case as this man by not protecting the soldiers, and in the second case as this woman by not really saving and protecting the kids. So you can see how it's an exact enough replica energetically of exactly what happened 2000 years earlier in her story, however you want to understand that. And then she says, you know, it's really interesting because I've been over responsible my whole life, but I also like, you know, sometimes don't pay enough

attention. And like, you know, I feel like, of course, you have the chronic back pain, and she begins to say, like, the thing, the themes in the story, really, the themes of the story for 2000 years ago, I'm now realizing I've been playing out forever. But of course, we're playing them out forever, because we're trying to heal them. And so of course, when she comes in for one more session, three weeks later, she says like, my back pain hasn't come back. And not only that, but I feel like I'm more present and I'm less feeling like this profound sense of guilt and over-responsibility and I can let people, you know, do their thing, and over-responsibility and I can let people, you know, do their thing, but really be there for them.

So it's amazing how this stuff works. Anyway, having said that, this is a brief, brief, brief journey around, you know, what we call death wishes and wounded patterns. And what I would say is if you want to do the work and you have a sense, because with death wishes, you often have a visceral sense, even if it doesn't make any rational sense to you that a part of you wants to die. If it's there and you feel it in the body and you have a part that says, I want to die, you'll have a resonance and you'll feel it in the body.

Or if you say, I betrayed a trust or broke a sacred covenant or whatever. And then you can do your own work around this stuff. Because even if you don't know some of the practices we associate with them, which is in this case, what we call a Buddhist poet practice, that's the going through the crown of the head or any forgiveness practices, just becoming aware will start to transform things for you. And if you do that, your life will get freer, which is the point of the whole thing. So until we meet again next time, at which point we will go through more patterns,

I wish you well. And again, if you want to reach us, lifecenteredtherapy.com. And if you want to write me, which I always so appreciate, you know, people me uh about anything that touched you or anything you experienced or any uh ahas or any like thinking something's wrong or any questions all you have to do to get me as andy han is write me at a h-a-h-n so it's a han at lifecenteredtherapy.com and until next week i wish you a good week or a good whatever if you're listening on the podcast and goodbye.