Heroes in Business - Misunderstanding and Centers of Perception

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

Gain greater understanding of & success in relationships. When we know there are 3 kinds of people, belly, heart, and head, and when we know what motivates them plus how they make meaning, relationships improve in this episode of Guided Self Healing Fearless Living with Dr. Andy Hahn.   www.eliances.com

Hi, this is Andy Han, and this is the Guided Self-Healing Fearless Living podcast, and this is session number 28, and it's, again, September 30th, 2021, and I think we're going to call this one Misunderstandings and Centers of Perception. I think we're going to call this one Misunderstandings and Centers of Perception. This is the second in our series of understanding people sort of from the inside out and how when they are just acting from their automatic ways of being, they can get into a lot of difficulty. We're going to talk again about differences and how those differences, when they're not understood, can lead to unbelievable frustration. So let's take a look at this and see how this works.

What you need to recall is that when we talk about personality, and we say there are nine personality types, there are really three different kinds of people, and there are three variations of each type. And the three different kinds of people are called belly people, heart people, and head people. heart people, and head people. And let's look at the automatic ways of being that each of these types have and what the consequences are for profound opportunities for misunderstanding. So heart people, if we just start there arbitrarily, basically say, I feel, therefore I am. But let's understand what feel here means. Feel is a good feeling in the heart. And how do you have a good feeling in the heart you get liked or approved of? So the fundamental issue for heart people is what kind of image do I have to present to you so that you will approve

of me and then I will have a good feeling in my heart. And if I have that, then I won't feel despair because my real belief is that if you knew who I really was, you would certainly not approve of me or like me. So those are hard people. And if you really want to understand what this is like, just drop into what it would be like to say, or to live a life where you're saying, what do I have to do? What image do I have to present to you so that you will like me? And I have three choices. I can either create an image that I'll be pleasing to you. I can create an image where I'm successful in your eyes or I can create an image where I'm special in your eyes.

And in any of these cases, the hope is then you will automatically respond to me in a way that gives me a sense of you like me and you approve of me. That's art people. So then we have to say, well, what's going to be motivating those people all the time when they're in relationship with others? And it's not that hard to think about what's going to motivate them. And it's going to drive, of course, the other two centers a little bit crazy. So now we can go across a great divide to head people.

And head people basically say, I think, therefore I am. And what does I think, therefore I am mean? It means that in some way, I have to be able to think my way out of something. And why is that? It's the exact polar opposite set of motivations, the heartbeat. Because the head person says, basically, the world is a dangerous place on some level. And I don't know where the danger is going to come from.

I don't know who's a friend and who's a foe. So I always have to be scanning to see where the danger is going to come from one way shape or form or another and I have three ways I can protect myself from this danger of which of course hard people biggest danger you could say in some way because they're going to want something from me and they're going to demand something and they're not going to give me what I need which is some sense of security and safety, right? So you can see automatically we're going to run into drumbly if we have that kind of relationship of feelers and thinkers. So basically, what I do if I'm a head person is I don't want to feel a fear. And the fear that I

don't want to feel is that there is something lacking or insufficient in me or a sense of I am really nobody. And because I'm nobody, you can do something bad to me, right? Because literally there's not enough of me. And there's a sense of not enoughness. So I'm going to be scanning. And I have three choices in terms of protecting myself. I'm going to be scanning and I have three choices in terms of protecting myself. The first is that I can just go so far back that it's like I'm behind a wall and you can't ever get to me and I can just observe from behind my wall. The second is that there is no wall and like the world is

constantly a possibility of something bad happening. And I perceive the world as the possibility of something bad happening that it's going to, in some way, threaten me. And there's no real way to get away. So I have to constantly be in a kind of vigilance of doubt, right? And then, of course, the third way we can do it is to say, well, I'm going to pretend, in a sense, that life is only about pleasing things and pleasant options. And if that's the case, then there shouldn't be anything that should make me afraid, except for the things, of course, that aren't pleasant. If you want to impose those things on me, like pain or boredom or something that would be unfulfilling, you could say, then I'm going to find you dangerous and I'm going to have to get away from you. So I identify with my doubt as a way to

protect myself from fear, because if I am doubting and anxious, then I can constantly be watchful and scanning and seeing where the danger is going to come from. So I won't have to feel my fear. And the fear then gets projected because the core of this is I'm going to project onto you that you're dangerous as opposed to I'm in some way insufficient and limited and lacking. So I won't look at my own sense of lack. I'll look at your sense of threat. Okay. So that is basically the fundamental way of being for head points. Then we go to belly points and belly points is a whole different. It's sort of like, if we have a thesis, like I present myself, right. And we have an antithesis, like I'm going to get away from that. Then we have a

synthesis and the synthesis is the belly points.. The belly points basically say, I sense something and then I respond, right? So I don't know what necessarily I feel. I don't know necessarily what I think independently, but I do know how I respond to a situation when I sense whatever's going on. So I'm going to sense, and then I'm going to respond or be responsible. And what I sense, because belly points actually perceive through their belly. And what do I mean by that? Well, it's not like I have the feeling in my heart, oh, you like me, or the thought in my head,

where's the danger coming from? But I sense something above a belly point. If I'm in the center of it called a mediator, I can sense how much harmony there is in the room or disharmony, conflict. So something I sense. I don't think about it. I don't have a feeling about it. I can just have a felt sense that there's discord or there's comfort in the room.

If I'm a perfectionist, I can sense if something is right or wrong. If I'm a perfectionist, I can sense if something is right or wrong. And of course, all of this is about comfort, because if everything is right, I can just go, ah, and if something is wrong, I get agitated, right? And I have to make everything right so I can feel comfortable, just like the nine, the mediator would say, I have to find a way to bring harmony into the situation. And then there's the eight, which is the externalization of all of this. And an eight basically says, in a very active way, I have to be the one who hierarchically makes everything work best. That's my job. So I see a situation, I sense a situation, you know, about what's going on here. And is everything in right order, you could say.

And I can relax because everything is in right order. Or do I have to do something that's going to make it come into right order? And then everything will sort of line up. And if no one else is doing it, I, of course, have to do it. I have to make something happen. And this is going to be my role in life. All right, so let's begin to look at this. Let's suppose, let's take some examples, right? My favorite example from my co-conspirator in our group, you know, called the Blueberry Pancake Store.

blueberry pancake story. So my partner in our institute is a belly point. And she had once made blueberry pancakes for her daughter. And her daughter was a heart point and blueberry pancakes were her daughter's favorite. It's her daughter's birthday and her mother wanted to really do something special for her. So she makes blueberry pancakes. And the daughter, who was about eight at the time, I think, says, oh, mommy, these blueberry pancakes are so wonderful. Thank you so much. They're so great. Right. And so the mother's cleaning up at some point and looks in the trash can and sees all the blueberry pancakes in there and realizes they were undercooked. And she, of course, is about to get really angry at her daughter because it's the externalization of anger and self-forgetting, right? So here it is.

And I've responded, I'm trying to do something nice for you because I know what you would like. And I'm other directed. All belly points are other directed. And I wanted to do something for you. And instead of giving me a chance to do something for you, I didn't do it well. And so you threw them all out. And so I'm really angry because you didn't let me, you know, you lied to me,

first of all, which is unacceptable, because that's just the way it is. If you're a person who's an eight, you know, somebody lying to you is danger, right? The war is threatening. And you have to know where you stand. But moreover, it doesn't let me do what I wanted to do in the first place, which was to be loving mother to you. You took away that opportunity. So I'm about to get really angry. And then I think, wait a second, revelation time. I know my daughter's a hard point and I know that she wants to do something so that I will like her and that I won't be hurt because she would be hurt because she wants to do something and be liked. And of course, if she makes a mistake, then I won't like her.

So she said, sweetheart, let's have a little conversation here, which was a much better solution, obviously, than, you know, yelling at her daughter for lying to her, which was what her initial response was, because lying was unacceptable. And she said, you know, sweetheart, I have an idea, because I just saw that you threw out the pancakes, and her daughter started to cry, and of course, her mother's going to get angry at her for doing it. She said, I'm not angry at you. Like, this is a really good opportunity for us to have a conversation. Because I would have been angry at you if I didn't know this wonderful tool called the Enneagram. But I do know this wonderful tool called the Enneagram. And I have a sense that you threw out those pancakes because you were trying to be loving to me. Is that true? And she

says, oh, yes, buddy. I didn't want your feelings to be hurt. And I knew how much you were trying to, you know, do something nice for me. And it didn't work out, but I didn't want your feelings to be hurt. So of course, I told you they were wonderful, but then I had to throw them out because they didn't taste very good. And of course, the mother says, oh, yes, well, I totally understand that. Now, let me tell you how I make sense of things. I want to do something nice for you. And if I totally understand that. Now, let me tell you how I make sense of things. I want to do something nice for you. And if I undercooked the pancakes, then I haven't done something nice for you. And, you know, if you throw them out, you never get to have your nice pancakes and I never get to do something nice for you. So really in my world, like it would have been a great thing if you could have told me they were undercooked which is what i would have told you i realized and then of course you would have felt hurt feelings

if you were making a special you know breakfast for me and i told you they were not done right could you please do them over you would feel hurt like you know uh you had done it badly and i wasn't approving of you which of course would not be the case from over here. And they had this great conversation, mother and daughter. Daughter got everything. And she got it. She said, oh, I really understand.

You know, that really was the beginning of a whole new phase of their relationship. So really look at what would have happened if, you know, the mother did not know about belly points. And her points points she would have just like gone after her daughter for lying and for um uh you know not not doing what she was supposed to be doing and all of that and it would have been a catastrophe and they would have had an enormous fight and the daughter would have felt like you know here it was I was trying to love you right I'm trying to love you but I'm

not having your feelings be hurt and all you're doing when I'm trying to love you is you're coming after me so what am I going to do I'm in a nightmare now and the mother waylaid all that because she said I can really step into what it must be like for you and I can tell you what it's like for me what a wonderful story and it really tells you about belly points and heart points now let's think about heart point you know and and it really gives you both angles of it right you know it's like you can see how both of them are motivated and if they can't talk about if they can't communicate about the way they communicate you know they're in big trouble they're gonna have an enormous fight and it's because everybody is trying to do the right thing

you know like the gift of the magi if you know the book it's like you know we're both trying to do something nice for the other and there's nothing else there's nothing nice to be done anymore because those opportunities have gone away but we don't have to have those kinds of gifts. We can have the gift of the magi where we really give something to each other from a place of understanding and from a place of communication, which is a great thing. So now let's look at heart points and head points.

We've already alluded to this because there is a great divide between those who say, I feel therefore I am and those who say, I think therefore I am. And it's not hard to see where this is going to get into a lot of trouble because of course every heart point is going to be coming towards the head point if they're in relationship or if we go the other way around you know because it's a dance there's no good place to start this but i'm just tapping

to go around in that direction so a heart point is going to do something looking for approval and being liked which means that they are in some way going to create an image and step into their image, and the head point is going to say something like, there is something dangerous here, because there's some unreality going on here. And unreality, we don't know what's going to happen, but that's dangerous. What are they going to do? They're going to demand too much of me. They're going to demand that i give them a response they're not going to give me what i really need which is the truth so i know where i stand well opportunities

galore you know for nightmares um and so you know you, you know, you have a hard point trying to sell you something in a sense, if you're a head point and you have a head point saying, like, this is dangerous and pulling back. And of course, the more they pull back, the more hard, the hard point is going to at some level come forward, because they can't stand being abandoned. No hard point can stand, I mean, no one can stand being abandoned, but hard points do it exponentially. being abandoned but heart points do it exponentially so they feel this pull back pull away and then they come forward more which just proves how dangerous they are and then of course the head point is pulling back further just proving how much they're not going to give the heart point what the heart point needs which is going to rage the heart point and again you have the possibilities for misunderstanding are profound unless you can in some way again do something called metacommunication and say let's talk about what's really going on behind what what the surface of this is let's talk about how i'm doing something because i'm seeking

something from you let's talk about how I'm doing something because I find you dangerous. And if I can really say I'm scared of you, right? The head point would be saying I'm scared of you because you're going to do something to me. You're going to, you know, demand too much of me or you're going to hurt me or you're going to trap me, you know? So it's my fear, right? I'm cowardly. I don't want to admit it i'd rather see you as being the problem but really the problem is that i have my own fear and so i'm responding to you but don't take it personally because it isn't about of course the hard point is going to make it personally because you don't prove and like them so you're going to say oh it must be about

me as opposed to it has nothing to do with me this is is just because you have fear. So we always personalize things. It's really a problem. We take things personally, but we really don't have anything to do with us until, of course, we make it have something to do with us, at which point it totally will, of course, have something to do with us, right? So another set of problems. So now let's look at head points and belly points. And, you know, so we want to think about someone who says, like, the world is kind of dangerous and we're going to be with somebody who is

going to say the world is something that I respond to, that I sense what the problem is and we'll have to take some kind of action and respond to it. And we can only begin to begin to think about what that's like you know when um you know you have uh let's take a center points again right so let's say we have a six and a nine for example and they're in a relationship and the six is saying like you know

i need security and the nine is not taking initiative because the nine is waiting to respond to something and all i'm merging with if i'm a nine is my partner's anxiety which is driving my partner crazy because you know then i'm gonna look anxious and they're gonna feel unsafe you know so the nine will look anxious and not take initiative and the six will say i'm feeling very insecure here and why am i the one who always has to put myself out there? Because then the world's dangerous to me. I don't want to put myself out there.

But the nine, of course, is going to say, I don't want to take any initiative because I want something to respond to. So you can see that this dance could lead to a lot of difficulties where the six partner will say, you know, I'm living with a person who's crazy in this case, because like, they don't know what they want. They never take any action. They're always waiting. It's nice because I feel safe with them, at least because they're not imposing on me like those silly heart points are. But nonetheless, you know, I have a different set of problems here because they don't know what they want. And they won't take initiative in terms of finding what they want and taking some initiative so i'm the one who's going to have to think things

through and i have to think things through when you know something bad could happen and of course you know the valley point person is going to say you know here i am and i'm just being you know a nice person and i'm responding and I'm being responsible and I'm taking you into account and all you're doing is seeing me as something that's dangerous and something that's threatening and I leave it to you to begin to think about what would happen under these circumstances if you can't talk about the fact that if I'm a bellybutton I really don't know what I desire I can only respond to something that's out there until I really learn about the fact that I have to deal with the pain in the

heart. I don't know. And of course, the head point is saying like, you know, there's not enough here. And like, it's a little difficult to put myself out there when i feel like you know that's putting me in harm's way and so the possibilities again are really quite legion and just play some depends on how it plays out but the point i want to make here again is that the key the key is could we step back from our automatic ways of making sense of things and thinking that everybody would make sense of things the same way? Because they don't. And if you can just learn that there are these three fundamental ways of being in relationship to the world and perceiving it and making sense, then what would it be like to step into it for a second?

Like, no matter what point you are for a second to say, what would it be like to step into it for a second? Like, no matter what point you are for a second to say, what would it be like if I'm really with someone and I'm just going forward because I want to, you know, find what it is that I have to do. So I'll get you to approve of me and like me. What would that be like if you're not a heart point? It really is a wonderful thing to walk around in your heart in the center of your chest and saying how are people responding to me do they like me what do i have to do to get them to like me or approve of me and just to be there and you might begin to get a sense of what it's like to walk in those shoes or then you go to the head points

and the head points like what's it like living in a world where there's you know some kind of doubt and something that's going to be dangerous and you never know where it's going to come from and so you're always having to be scanning you know from this danger so you think about you know i'm with somebody but like you know there's this part of me whether i show it or not that's saying what do i have what do i have to do here to make sure that I'm safe from you so that I don't get trapped or I don't get haunted or I don't get demanded on? And just feel how your energy would move away

from pretty much anything that looked dangerous. And of course, anything could look dangerous. So I have to find a way to escape. So just, if you could drop into that for a second say oh that's what it's like and then we go to our belly points right and just for a second to drop into what would it be like to not know your own inner experience at all only to sensing what's outside of me and then responding to it you What's that like to just really say, I'm in this situation and I have to find a way to respond to it.

I'm not going to initiate anything. I'm not going to create something. I'm going to respond to something. And of course, there are all kinds of ways I can respond to it. I can create, do whatever it takes to make things harmonious, or I can do whatever it takes to make things right, or I can do whatever it takes to make things right or I can do whatever it takes to make things you know the most successful and competent you know the the best way it's going to work right and uh but I'm still responding

so if I could step into what it's always like to be other directed in some way, to always start with the other. So if you can do that, you're way ahead of the game. And there's opportunities again that we can really learn to understand each other from the inside out. And not to impose our such automatic ways of making sense of things. Because when we get to the center, you know, the sense of like needing to be liked as a fundamental premise. Or needing to stay secure as a fundamental premise. Or needing to be able to respond to something as a fundamental premise or needing to stay secure as a fundamental premise or needing to be able to respond to something as a fundamental premise and just if you could just start there

and say i wonder what is motivating this person i wonder where their attention is going and how does that line up with mine i can tell you thatals open up in terms of understanding and being able to act in ways that are true of more. And wise. So having said that, we've come to the end of this podcast, which has been a great joy to share with you. Again, my name is Andy Hahn.

You can reach me at ahahn, A-H-A-H-N at lifecentertherapy.com. And you can find out about us at lifecentertherapy.com. And clearly, I always am deeply appreciative of any questions you have, or any reflections, or disagreements, or whatever it is. I cherish them. And again, we've now finished our book. It's in its final copy editing. And I just want to celebrate that Julie and I have finished the book. And it will come out on February 22nd. You can get it on Amazon. It's called The One Hour Miracle.

And we tell you why it's called The One Hour Miracle at the very end of the book and the very beginning of the book. But also where we think it's heading, is as we call it a journey to remember and as they say a source of righteousness so please if you're interested buy the book write reviews do whatever If you're interested, buy the book, write reviews, do whatever. We have such a sense of wanting to share what we know and what we want. And we have a conviction and a commitment to doing this.

And if you can spread the word about that, we'll be deeply grateful and hopefully because it will be of service, not because of our egos, we hope. So until we meet again, I wish you the best of evenings. Good night.