Hey Riddle Riddle - #194: It's Uncle Santa

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

It's been a couple months since we've done a Christmas episode so what the hell? Did you miss it? Well, we've got a fix for all the nice (and not naughty) little ones out there. All that plus we've got a visit from a childhood favorite, two bears in love, a Christmas time confrontation, a timely break up, and a return where there shall be no return. If you think Uncle Santa should be the new permanent host, make sure you write him a letter and tell him so! Starring: Adal Rifai Uncle Santa Erin Keif Editing by:  Casey Toney Theme by:  Arne Parrott Logo by:  Emily Kardamis & Emmaline Morris Want more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon! Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & prints Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a head gum podcast. I Hey jpc and Aaron do you mind helping me with you know how I suddenly become a singer songwriter? Oh It's me hold on Aaron. Sorry I forgot. No sorry we're watching a power play here you guys. Let's see who comes out of it on top. Adelaide DPC. Hold on Aaron. I forgot. You were saying I don't hope. Oh Aaron. I'm so sorry I forgot. My uncle is Santa. It's my mom's brother. You don't have to yes, Santa. This. Get your control back, Adela. Hey, no, it's fine. Hey, Uncle Santa. Yes, Adel. Uh, did you, did you have somewhere to be or, I mean, I know you're not busy till December, but uh, has the divorce going? Oh, it's going well. I divorced. What if I read dear? Ho, ho, ho. Hey, Uncle Santa, I'm a singer songwriter.

Aaron, we're not related. Oh sorry, okay. Who's this? Addle introduced me to your friend. This is my friend Ann Cohost of a podcast I do. Her name is Aaron Keef and she's a goddamn delight. Please, Josh on tape. The pleasure is all on this side of the...

Are you hitting on me, Uncle Sanda? Aaron, don't kiss the save. He put it out! What am I supposed to do? No, I'm not hitting on you, sweet girl. I'm only attraction to reindeer. Okay, so I'm having a chance here. Be good, my central bit.

My aunt is Vixen. It's a weird, my cousins are fucked up, but it's... Hey, you're out of potato salad, by the way. No, I had a whole... Are you kidding me? I had a little snack. You ate five pounds of julasco potatoes, how'd you fucking pig? Oh, oh, oh, what? I didn't have breakfast.

This is how it went, everybody. Adel said, I have an idea for the start of the episode. can pig. Oh, oh, oh, what? I didn't have breakfast. This is how it went everybody. Adel said, I have an idea for the start of the episode. JPC says, great. I can't wait to hear what it is. Adel did an initiating line. And then JPC said, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then you heard that. Who's JPC? Oh my god. Here here, JPC is another one of the cohosts. And and honestly he should be number one with a fucking bullet on your naughty list Will you play him on your nidilist? Oh wait, do you have a more? No, he wants to be on the naughty list. Do you have a more?

I have lists for children of all stars and stripes. Oh, oh, oh stars and stripes. That's weirdly patriotic We don't like that. Uh, JPC. I mean Santa, uncle Santa, I mean uncle Santa. Uncle Santa. You should probably head out unless you want to host this podcast. I do a show, it's called Hey Roodle Riddle. I've told you about it before, but you didn't really respond to it when I told you about it. It's kind of like me and my friends

that we solve riddles and puzzles and lateral thinking problems. And if you're a first time listener, I know this can be confusing, because Santa's not usually here, but Santa, if you're if you're first time listener, I know this can be confusing because Santa's not usually here But Santa if you want to hold on Santa if you want to stay and host the entire episode as you then you can stay Okay, I mean I have I have nothing going on today I thought that would back about literally

He's old man puzzles this episode too Let me ask you. Ho, ho, ho. The premise big, like someone say like me, would just ask riddles all episode. Ho, ho, ho. Yes, that is pretty much it, but I will say, and this will probably deter you. This will probably make you bow out.

Along the way, we do kind of poke fun at the riddles and the wording and we do improvise scenes. And I know Santa, you're, I know you did some groundlings classes. I know you're not much of an improvise, you're more sketch. Sketch, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did stand up in the 80s. The 15 80s.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's right, it was a lot of, it was a lot of like livestock jokes. You sound like the count from Sesame Street. You're a very naughty woman. What if I'm into it? Aaron? What if I said what's happening to him? Stop trying to lift up your jeans. That's not what you're doing. I'm gonna roll them up. It's so sexy.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. You're like turning white. The blood is kinda low. By the way, you're out of uncooked bacon. Ho, ho, ho. I'm out of what? You rated the fridge and ate the raw bacon? No, I just said you were out of it, ho, ho.

That's too much nitrates, Uncle Santa. Listen, who cares about my initiation? Yes or no, do you want to stay for the podcast? I just said you were out of it. Oh, that's too much nitrates uncle Santa listen Who cares about my initiation yes or no do you want to stay for the podcast please say no please say no How much does it pay? Oh But was okay what did I do what did I get up to Netflix Chilling hey, I watched that new Spider-Man. Ho, ho, ho. Hey, Aaron.

I liked it. That time, Holden's really something. He's going on my nice list. Hey, Aaron. Yeah, listening. This is extra painful because there's a lot of episodes and even ads where I play Santa. And JPC has like gotten annoyed with me.

And he's like, you always play Santa? Yeah, there was an entire month last year that we just Santa bit in every episode. Oh, he's this JPC that you speak of. Oh, like I said, if I'm going to take his shoes for today's episode, I should know his deal and kind of his energy. You really want me to get into it? Just the broad strokes if you don't mind. Ho ho ho. This is a not a man. It's more of a haunted, backward baseball cap. He cares more about horse piss than anyone else on earth. He wants to take your cousin on a date. He wants to take his cousin on a date. He wants to take every kind of cousin on a date. He sucks. He's mean.

He's the kind of guy. He's the kind of guy where you say you're a fucking agent of chaos. And he says agent of K-pop and then he goes into like a BTS or BLACKPINK song. I don't know, that sounds a lot more like Addle. No. His T's are... have no sleeves on him. He reminds me of a little reindeer I know. Named Rudolph. I just looked and we've only been here for seven minutes. See, Rudolph has a nose so bright.

We know the story. Sorry. Can glide the slay Do I bet you're having a stroke Santa we the story of Rudolph has actually made it to earth Pretty pretty pretty where do you think I'm from space? Yes Mom told me you live in space I do mom said you were kicked out of the North Pole for not paying your back taxes Okay, alright. There's two sides to every story. My side is that I didn't have the fucking money to pay the back taxes.

Will you give presents away for free? Have you thought about charging the parents? Never. I would never charge a parent for a child. Hold on, I'll write this down. Charge the parents. Meet the parents reboot Meet the parents reboot. Where the parents get credit cards.

Okay, sorry. I was just, uh, I have my little journal here. That's okay. I wrote it down too, Adel. May the best man win. What? I'm writing down all the same ideas as you. Let's see who can write a script faster.

Challenge accepted. Santa, do you mind hosting by yourself? Aaron and I are going to have a script off. I don't mind. I could do you mind hosting by yourself? Aaron and I are gonna have a script off. I don't mind. I could do a little Santa cast if it's okay with everyone. Santa, Uncle Santa, what is this? First of all, um, what if this is someone's first episode? Have you thought about that? Well, it's someone's first episode. That's not a song. I've ever read it. That's not a song. And the children who listens to podcasts can play. This fucking sucks because I was gonna open with a song by making myself a singer-songwriter.

Oh, oh! Do you still want to do Uncle Santa? Is happy to improvise. Why don't we do this? Why don't Uncle Santa cook up a warm-up riddle for the two of you? Before you do that, I love that idea and I'm excited for that. Can we hear what Adel's initiation was and then start the episode again right now and see how that goes? Oh, yes, Adel, would you like to start your episode over?

I'm sorry if I stepped on anyone and it was too be tiptoes! I mean we're telling it's in and the wind's kind of been sucked out of the fucking seal. Nope, that's what I'm saying, this will re-energize us. Let's start in episode over. We'll cut out this first 10 minutes. No, we'll keep this. But then the real episode starts now. What?

I know you said it starts now, but I'm just a little confused, it's April and Santa's here. Oh. I'm just, I'm sorry, I'm here, here, okay, here we go. Well, I wouldn't be here in December at Christmas, I'm working then. This is the only time where it makes sense for Santa to show up.

Okay, hey, Uncle Santa, hey, Aaron, you know how you recently became a singer-songwriter? A singer-songwriter? I have a song you might enjoy. Parking. Well, it's Christmas and children are lining their streets, but at night all the children are missing. She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's something she's she's okay if you are a songwriter if you are an improviser and you have been on an improv team for a while There is a phenomenon called one person's drunk and it's that someone had came from like a work event or birthday party And their drunk and no one else's yeah, I'm an improv team Everybody has to be drunk or no one can be drunk and JPC has drunk on an improv team energy right

now. You keep saying JPC but I don't even think he's here today. I'm done trying warm up riddle. Let's do it. Well, on JPC stands for I believe John Patrick Christmas. So you might do you know him by that name? Let me check my list, John Patrick. Oh, I do see him on my list. Santa, you're looking at an open hustler magazine. Yes, well, it wouldn't make sense to look at a closed hustler magazine. There's nothing on that cover. That's not uncovered in between.

T-Shay, T-Shay. What do you see on your list, Uncle Santa? Well on my list, let's see. We have a riddle of submission. That can't be right. I'm ready. So, someone, instead of, wait, hold on, instead of writing in for presents,

somebody wrote in for a riddle, Aaron's getting really annoyed with me. Some of these kids... No, I just can't believe what a mess this is, but if you guys are enjoying it, then yes. Some of these kids are so fucking dumb Right center with riddles instead of asking for gifts Does anybody ever write in and ask for forgiveness?

Oh No most of the time kids either haven't done anything wrong, or they have no concept of forgiveness. Okay, Santa, let's get to some riddles because I think Aaron's getting pretty pissed at me. Hahaha! I thought to make this a whole episode thing, but I think Aaron would prefer to- No, no, no, we're here, and I want my kids to be happy. Here we go, Uncle Santa in April. I'm here and I'm happy and I'm viewing it.

Why are people upset about Uncle Santa in April? I'm here and I'm happy and I'm doing it. Why are people upset about Uncle Santa? I was just here staying with, I ate the potato salad. No, I'm happy that you're here. We're happy for you. We're happy for you. We're happy for you. Let's do it. This riddle comes from a person who didn't give permission for us to use their name,

but I'm going to say it anyway, because it's very funny, and I assume Casey will just bleep it out This riddle comes from you know Casey I know every boy and girl and man Casey's a man Okay, go ahead This riddle comes from That can't be the real name right now. It's too good. Oh, I see it's pronounced Yeah, well stop saying it because we have to bleep it every time. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, Uh oh, I don't I don't want to read this What tell me tell Uncle Santa I can take it your ex-wife Vixen the reindeer is dating Leonardo DiCaprio that ho ho ho

Leo yes for sure God up here pound it bring it over the big dog. I'm good. I'm good. I Have a dumb warm up rhythm. Oh, and it's very appropriate to me. Uh-oh. There is a polar bear. What is his name?

What? What is a... This person says there's a polar bear bear than they ask what is his name? Okay, so Aaron we all know and love polar bear celtzer So maybe his name is celtzer or maybe he's named after maybe he's Coca-Cola because I feel like Those Coca-Cola commercials the polar bears was the original ASMR and if you doubt me look it up on YouTube His name is fizzy beverage Nothing final answer. Well, hold on. Fizzy Beverage, final answer.

Yep. That's your final answer. I'd like to see a little sea. I've never seen Aaron more put out in my life. Are you sure? Because there was an entire episode where you made fun of my beautiful sweater. Because are you sure? Because there was an entire episode where you made fun of my beautiful sweater. Because are you sure?

Are you sure you've never seen me more put out my life? What about the time you literally put me outside in the cold? Unbelievable. No, keep going. You locked yourself out of the studio. Exactly. There seems to be a lot of tension here. No, Uncle Santa, no it's fine. I'd like to see a little scene. Okay, my beef is not with you, Adel.

It is with JPC. He's not even here. You are fine, Adel. Go to the car. Go wait in the car. Yes ma'am. Yes, I will do the scene. I will do the scene.

Well, Uncle Santa didn't even say you were in it. What if Uncle Santa wants to cast himself in the scene? I'm gonna count down from three. And then what will her? Alright, we'll see a little scene. Erwin, you are going to be playing a woman whose name is Fizzy Befflidge. And you are the imaginary friend of Adel's character. Adel, you're a child who is very distraught and Fizzy Befflage is coming to cheer you up.

Okay. Ah, what was me? The weight of the world is on my shoulders like an albatross round my neck. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I did mean while you say that. Me! Please stop, stop. Whatever this is, stop. Who are you? Hey kid, do you want to drink static electricity? But it's a beverage, it's a fizzy beverage. How did you get in my house? Well, the tooth fairy is an old roommate of mine.

I broke into her place. Grabbed a key. She has keys? And here I am. Yes, of course. Why do you think that she flies so slow? She's a key ring with all the heavy keys. Do you not know your two fairy lore?

What do you know? I'm supposed to take whatever you want. Take whatever you want. I'm not here to rub you, but while I'm here. My mom's in the sugar jar. Okay. I'm just rummage through this. I know, but I'll take this broach.

I'm fussy beverage. I'm here to rob you and cheer you up. Would everyone please just don't hurt me? Do you have a gun? Not yet, but I could fly away and grab one. Not yet. I don't know. That's almost more terrifying. The night is young.

What can I do to make your day better? Leave. No. What? Won't do that, can't. Can I call a friend so he can come over and enjoy the time that you're sharing with me? No.

Please, I just want to call a friend, is that okay? No, are you going to call someone to get me sent away? No, not I just want to call a friend is that okay? No, are you gonna call someone to get me sent away? No, not at all here. I'm just gonna take out my phone very slowly. Let me down my my peer my same age friend Darren where do your parents hide the cash dad? Hey dad up grab that phone. Oh, hello, son this me dad Sorry, sorry. Time out. Uncle Santa, usually when we play another character, we distinguish it by doing a different voice.

What's that noise? Uh, it's very similar. Okay, but I listen to the show. They're usually pretty similar. Well, yes, I do, I do my own voice constantly, but... Yes. So I could understand, wait wait you listen to the show I mean, I'm I'll be honest I dipped out around episode 100. I really I know idea was gonna go on this long

That's fair. That's fair. That's fair But yeah, let's pick it up and you're you're my dad and just do a different voice just yeah, okay, hey dad Yeah Time out Santa Dean. What's your favorite celebrity? Oh Oh, yeah. Time out. Santa Dean, what's your favorite celebrity? Oh, uh, Garth Brooks. Do a Garth Brooks impression. And nobody can do, here's what I'll say.

When I'm stuck for a voice to do, I think of a celebrity I like or even don't like. And I try to do an impression of them. And then inherently it'll be different, but not so much that it sounds like a celebrity, because not everyone's gonna get an impression. It's not everyone's Dana Carvey So do Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines and that'll lead you to an invoice. Here we go. Come in. Hey dad Yes, it's me Garth Brooks. I'm just sitting here reading a magazine Someone broke into the house. Can you please come home, please? Yes, I'll be right there. I love you. I love you too, dad

If anything happens, I love you. My friend is my friend Darren is coming over. Is that okay? Is that uncle Santa? Sorry, I'm out. Hey Aaron. Mm-hmm. Are you mad at me? I'm seed Okay, and every scene from in the rest of the episode you have to ask me if I'm mad at you Promise Yes, I said yes, okay, you still didn't get the answer to that's written. Oh, there's a polar bear what's his name? Yes, that's that's all we have to go off of it's more. It's more of a joke that a riddle. I'll be honest Is it like a Is it a pun?

Yeah, it's a bear. Yeah, it's wordplay. I'm not necessarily sure it's a pun. It's just wordplay. There's a polar name, what is his name? Is it his? No, you know, it's a polar bear. I would say start with bear.

Grizzly, atoms. Bear and... You know what? Yeah, bear. I would say start with bear grizzly atoms Good HBOs polar bear Chernobyl Bill Hader is Yes, there's a polar bear his name is Barry as a E a R. Yes, it's just like all bears are named Barry. It was a warm up rhythm. Well, Uncle Santa, can I just say that's not really a, it's not really a riddle because there's no way to

sus that out. That was just kind of a dumb joke. Oh, well, I mean, that says more about the person who submitted it, I guess. Well, that sucks to hear, but you're right. I would like to see a scene Uncle Santa or polar bear. Oh perfect and Adel you're a grizzly bear and you guys are on a date and talking about the differences of what kind of bears you are cool And Aaron speaking of differences. Did you want us to do like different voices?

No, I think you can stick to your voice. Okay. I'm mad at you. Hey, hey, I'm mad at you. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah, just woke up from hibernation. Uh, well, you're 15 minutes late to our date. Oh, so funny. Oh, sorry. We made plans six months ago and It seems like you are very punctual. What are you taking me out in? I'm taking you out in this hollowed out tree that I put wheels on making you out in this hollowed out tree that I put wheels on. Oh, is this a Honda? No, it's a Logton Continental. Oh, okay.

Oh, Sean, okay. No, I'm trying to hold on, it's a tree son. It's a tree son. It's a tree son. It's a tree son. Yes, a tree son. A tree son is better. A tree son is better.

A tree son is a centra. Yes. Okay. Well, I guess it's okay that you're a little late because I know that, um... I know that your type of bear is usually late. Wow. Okay. What?

I'm sorry, did I? Did I say something wrong? Well, your type of bear is always so uptight and... I can see all the shit on your ass. Hold on That's true of both of us. Okay, we both have our butts are pretty much and it's just it's pretty much all over We live in the you know the wheeler days I was gonna say woods, but obviously you guys are yeah tundra for me. I drive a tundra. Oh

Of course you would I mostly forage for honey and berries, whereas you eat seals Yes, I Eat seals exclusively and I like to get them right at the climax of kiss for a rose That's what I pounce. Yeah, I heard all I saw on social media Maybe that you bought two front row center tickets for seal couldn't make it couldn't get rid of the ticket and any of the cost I had to eat the cost see you really eat the seal yeah and and I was going there to literally to eat the seal but I ended up eating the seal if you don't I mean have you ever been to wet seal oh that's actually that's? Yeah, some of my best friends are wet seals. Oh, I didn't know, I'm so sorry, right?

No, it's okay. I've been hibernating for six months and I may not be up to date on the latest offensive terms. Well, I mean, I appreciate that apology, kind of a not apology of yours. But I appreciate it. I know that you're not the most progressive type of bear and you're trying, so I give you credit for that.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Well, do you want to... Just so work, Claire. There will be no sex tonight. But there will be blood on DVD, Blu-ray, Daniel Delos. Well, maybe sex is back on the table. Seen.

Sex is back on the table. Sexy sex is back on the table boys. Looks like sex is back on the table boys. I cannot wait to use that in my real life. I can't wait for your context for that. You were saying Adam. Oh, Santa, do you like Lord of the Rings? I love Lord of the Rings. Who's your favorite character?

Mine is Legolas. Hmm, Legolas, good pick, good pick. I'd have to say, Gimli. Oh my, that's a respectable choice. I got a question. Uncle Santa. Yes, Evan. Um, do you know Fred Claus?

Ugh. Are you asking if I know Vince Vaughn? Do you? Yes, I know Vince Vaughn? Do you? Yes, I know Vince Vaughn. Owen Wilson introduced us at a party. All right, then I got another question for you. Yes. Who's your favorite portrayal of any kind of Santa in any movie?

Who? Tim Allen. I love his politics. Oh, no, Uncle Santa! You've been here! Why are you- Just kidding! Oh, funny, no, Uncle Santa, why are you... Just kidding! Oh, funny, Uncle Santa.

My favorite, I like the Billy Bob Thornton bad Santa. A movie that probably ages pretty well. No, my favorite portrayal of Santa is that old Coca-Cola Santa. Santa. I like his big Santa glasses. Wait, are you thinking of Mickey-Santel the baseball player? Oh my god Mr. Home run himself Mickey-Santel of course that's who I'm thinking of His famous nickname Mr. Home run

Who is you? Sorry, you were saying the old man who played Santa? Oh, the old man who played Santa in the Coca-Cola commercials. You know, he stayed with me for two weeks to study for that part. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know that is something that happened. My favorite Santa the Santa from the M&M commercials. He does exist. They do exist. I don't know what paint. Kind of sucks to hear everyone's favorite Santa is it the one who is the real Santa related. I don't really get. Okay, wait, so you really you do do, you do, you do, you're done, and okay. I think I've been a little bit confused.

Okay. Hey Aaron. Hold on, no, I wanna see where this is going. What, how could I help you? I just have to check in, Aaron, are you mad at me? Oh yeah. Okay. It shows.

How can I help you in? Am I mad? Oh yeah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,. Oh, I thought there's Santa and then your Uncle Santa and then there's like Fred Claus. You know, there's just different kinds of Santa. I'm Santa. I'm Adel's uncle. You could call me Uncle Santa, but to the rest of the world, I'm just Santa. So I kissed the real Santa's hand? Yes. Holy smokes, my attitude has turned around. I thought you were weird uncle Santa. But now I know you're Santa Santa.

I'm way more into this episode. Let's do this Every weird man is some little boy's uncle Uncle Santa, there's also a rumor and I don't know if this is true There's also a rumor that in your downtime. You're the lead singer of blues traveler I'm the lead singer of blues traveler in my downtime, but here's the thing I still need John Papa to do the harmonica because I cannot play it. How come, Uncle Santa?

Yeah, why? It's because it's a keyed instrument. Okay. Casey, if you just want to put one word in the chat about how you feel about this episode, just one word will do. And don't put Christmas. Uncle Santa, um.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Casey said delete, but we are not listening. Uncle Santa. Yes, Addle. In just a moment here, we do have to go to commercial, which, what, we've only done one riddle to your board?

This is truly part for the course. But Uncle Santa, I do want to ask to ask I do see even though it is April I do see that you have your huge ass sack Come on, man. Well, you're back. Oh my back. Yes. I bought oh, yes Yes, did you and it doesn't look like it's empty? Did you have something to give either Aaron or I? I Never show up anywhere without a big sack of gifts because let's be honest Anytime of the year you see Santa you're gonna want a gift. Isn't that right, Adel?

Absolutely. I mean Aaron can I just say I don't see Uncle Santa often, but what I do he always comes gift in hand Mm-hmm I'm not mad at you anymore, Bob. Last time it was a calculator watch. Uncle Santa, what, thank you, Aaron. What, what did you bring us? Would you like, who would like their gift first? Addle or Aaron?

Well, we could go by who's been nicer on the list. Well, then Aaron will go first. No, Addle you. No, it's you, Aaron. Oh, that can't be right. That cannot be right. That guy, that guy, that guy. Never had to scroll, do you know what I'm saying?

I have elves most places, but I don't have eyes everywhere. So if you close all the doors and then you like jerk off and say a curse word, the scent is not going to know about it. Wait, okay, hold on. Let me run and let's do a test. I'm going to run and do that. I'll be right back. Tell me if you know.

Well, I mean, I'm going to know because she was going to, she said she was going to. We'll say it to Warren Spacer, Brittany. Oh, wait, never mind. Yes, you are. And now, Adam, you are nicer than Aaron. So you get your gift first fucking motherfucker

I will say though The gift order is kind of important because the gifts don't change it can just reach here you go Adel it's some gluten free pretzels. Oh, this is this is a great gift for Aaron. What am I gonna get? So I yeah, it would have been better if she didn't run out of the room. All right, Aaron, here you go. Here's a thousand books you'll never read. Oh, no.

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It's not yet the... What is it? So you know how the two of you, I was like, guys, I am always so hungry for lunches and dinners and the like and you, jokers, told me, oh, JPC, it's okay. All you have to do is take some, you know, American paper currency, tape it to your front door, close the door,

and then wait until someone brings you food. Well, I kept opening the door and the money was gone. So I had to tape more money to my door. I think you're thinking, didn't work at all. Oh, door cash. Door cash. Yeah, you did door cash. We told you door dash is the number one thing to you.

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Prinking at all and I'm setting up a website I just need some advice this podcast is sponsored by square space I'm not I'm not mad at you. We're pranking Apple. Squarespace is the only one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and to see it online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website. It engaged with your audience. And so, let anything for products to cut into time time all in one place, all on your terms.

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audience and scales your brand, design your products and production and inventory and shipping are handled for you saving you time and money. What is happening? Okay. Wait, what's going on with that all? Oh, nothing, nothing. I'm just setting up a very normal Squarespace website, not a prank thing. No, he's gonna do it. And I'm just setting up a very normal Squarespace website not a prank thing new He's gonna tune you and I'm gonna use analytics use insights to grow my business and learn where my site visits and sales are coming from

That's pretty cool. I'm gonna improve my website and build marketing strategy based on top keywords our popular products and content on my Prank website to prank activity. Whoa, that's awesome Aaron. I'm glad using Squarespace Did you say what the website was for? I can't remember what the website is for Prank With Squarespace You can connect to your store to Vedent third party tools to extend the functionality of your website Hey jpc. Hey jpc. What's up, Adam? I can't believe we pranked Aaron with our little boy routine. Dude, we got her.

Anyway, if you want to prank Aaron with your little boy routine, head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Oh, she's back, she's back. Hey Aaron. Hey Aaron. Can we go to grandma's house? Wait, I've been pranked.

But how? I don't know. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I got it up in the middle of my ho-ho! Aaron, do you have something to share with all the boys and girls? I was gonna try to get people's hopes up that Santa had left and if he was back, and then I was gonna do a Baton Switch, but you guys know Uncle Santa's still here,

we're still rolling with him, we're still having a lot of good times. I'm not mad at all. Uncle Santa? Yes. Baton Switch is what Aaron calls it when she plays her Switch and masterbates. And I just wanna let everyone know. So I've been a lot of fun a lot of good times. I'm not mad at all uncle Santa. Yes, uh, bait and switches What Aaron calls it when she plays her switch and masterbates and I just want to let everyone know I don't think JPC was ever here

No, not for this episode for sure to be sure Yeah, but in spirit he is in a way. This is the most JPC episode we've ever done in a way I guess I get what you mean. Oh Uncle Santa I I do this. Yes. And this might be the most, this might be the hardest riddle of them all. On Christmas Eve, how do you make it to every, every home in the country and in the world? I do a lot of cocaine.

New it. Let's use the riddles. It's like a white and black dove, but flies without wings and speaks without a tongue. Pat Benatar. Oh, yes, Pat Benatar. These boots are made for walking. Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's great. That's great thing, she's an adra.

Made out of newspaper. It's black, what was it? These devs are black and white. It's like a white and black dove, but flies without wings and speaks without tug. Okay, black and white dove. A drone. Blies without wings. You were closer with newspaper, Erwin.

It's like a black and white dove. Is it a tweet? Time. It's not a tweet, it's not a time. Speaks. Speaks without a time. Speaks. Speaks without a tongue. I would focus on the black and white aspect.

No, we're not talking about two different kinds of bear. Oh, is it the movie Miracle on 34th Street, which is... Oh, that's a very good guess. It flies without wings and speaks without a tongue. And it's black and white. Like a newspaper. Okay. Lies. Is it actually going the sky? No, not necessarily, but it does move from place to place

and could theoretically go in the sky. Hmm. Santa can you give us a little hint? Huh, Let's see When it says it speaks without a tongue it doesn't actually utter the words loud But that doesn't mean that it doesn't communicate in some way So is it some sort of printed item? Is it like a magazine? Oh, yes printed item? I would agree with that. Is it like the fucking Bible? Don't talk about that shit to me. Oh, so Aaron, Uncle Santa's mad because he was left out of the

Bible. No, I'm just mad because I'm only the second most popular character in the world. Jesus is a number one. Well, you really only exist because of him. Like, I don't know why we added another guy to crystal. What a weird thing we did. Holy shit. Why did we do that? Probably the prophet Muhammad is probably more well known too. Okay, I may be number three. Let's see, is there anyone else?

I got to be bigger than Moses, right? Oh, bro. Michael Jordan. Oh, oh, brother, and Jordan. Okay, so I'm five at least. So yeah, I got me, sorry, Lionel Messi. Oh, Nessie. And Loch Ness wants to.

Nessie and Messi. Yes, so I know. Paul Diyamati. Paul Diyamati's bigger than me. He's so big. He's top three, for sure. Top three for sure. So I got beef with Fox.

Jesus, the prophet will hobbit Oh Oh Dan Brown June Squib June Squib June Squib June Squib I don't beat June Squib She was last in a Black and White movie. No, actually she was last in Huey, Halloween. But before that, she was in a Black and White movie called...

She was also in the humans. Who else is bigger than you? Oh, please say it and so. Laura Dern. And Steven Young. God damn! Well, that's probably true. So maybe the Bible ain't so bad. Thanks, Adel.

Oh, is it like highlights magazine? No, this is more like, um, I- people don't really send these anymore, but there was time- Hellic! Where children would send me an awful lot of- Letters, letters, letters, they fly! It's a letter. Congratulations, Adel. I should also say, these riddles are from Orion. Thank you, Ryan. I want to see you seen. Oh Aaron

Oh, hold on uncle Santa you are a little uncle Santa. You're a young child. Oh, Aaron you are Santa and Oh, Aaron, you are Santa. And, uh, and Uncle Santa, uh, as the child, uh, you wrote Santa, Aaron, a letter, but, uh, Santa, Aaron, you did not receive Uncle Santa the kid's letter. And am I confronting Santa about this? Yeah, I think so. I think you're pretty bummed. You don't necessarily have to be pissed, but you're bummed, at least, that you got nothing for Christmas. And I'll put the last prison to buy the tree and... Excuse me, sir! Oh, oh no!

Um, you're just abusing me. My name is Thomas and I am a little boy. Well, Thomas, um no, ho ho ho. I am Santa and I just left you to such awesome presents you're gonna love us. Let's be see, I see my sister's name and my brother's name but I don't see any presents for Thomas. Well they wrote me letters. Ho ho ho.

Uh, did you not... Did you not get my letter from Thomas? Did you have a letter from Thomas? Did you see... Some kids say that they wrote letters and ho ho ho. They're lying! I wouldn't lie to you man. This is my life!

Did you even come to see me at the mall? Ho ho ho. I saw you. You weren't there. It was to see me at the mall? Ho ho ho. I saw you you weren't there. It was some other guy at the mall. Where were you Santa? I told my mom I'm going to tell this other guy because he's not real. No that's me. Ho ho ho. It wasn't you. It wasn't you! All those Santas are little spies for me, the big guy, and they tell me what kids want. So you didn't tell me what you wanted at all. Did you say it in a little wish and a dream into the night sky? Oh, oh, oh, none of that! I whispered it to the moon. Does not show God knit. Oh, ho, ho, let me see.

What's this behind your ear? Uh, is it a cracker? It is! And it taps cracker behind my ear. What all the chances? Is this what you whispered to the moon? No! Oh, oh, oh.

I was eating crackers. Oh. Well, I was eating crackers. Oh. Well, I'm going to go. I wanted a pop-up horse. Are you mad at me? Yes. See. Santa, that was great.

You played a kid. I truly believed you were a kid. Did you? Yes. Santa, that was so realistic. It seems like maybe you had that interaction. Yeah. Like, it feels like you were pulling from any of it. It feels like you're pulling from experience.

And Aaron, can I just say you were fantastic. Uncle Santa, any, do you feel like Aaron kind of captured your essence? In a weird way, I do. Aaron, could I ask you a question? Yeah, of course. Who fucking told you about those mall spies? No. You know what, Santa?

I just assumed. Because wouldn't that be a good idea? I thought in my head. Wouldn't that be the smart thing for Santa to do? Yeah, and that's what I do and what I've been doing, and I'm not just starting that now. Hmm, interesting. Can I get paid for that idea?

Oh, I broke. I don't have, they got me on back taxes there and I got nothing. Oh yeah. And a vixen got half of nothing. You're barking up the rump. Vixen got a little more than half a nothing. Vixen know how to hide the money. Santa never had no count.

Plus I hired Nick Cage's business manager. I lost my castle. I lost my dinosaur bone Well, I'm sorry to hear But I did write you a little song just to kind of cheer you up. I wrote it in the last five seconds here. Oh Do you want to hear it? I would love to hear it because I don't Santa will grow his heart on a long... Wow, beautiful song, Uncle Santa. Thank you, let's hear yours.

No, we don't have time. What's the next riddle? It was made with singing purchases and tears, and the one using it has no idea. It was made with... purchases. It was made with singing. Purchases in tears. A coffin. It's a coffin. Correct, Adel.

And if we've had that one on the... if we've had that one on the show before, I wasn't here for it. Here's your next riddle. Okay. No lips, yet it whistles. No feet, yet it runs without ceasing. You'll feel it, touch your back, and you'll turn to see nothing.

Is this a goddamn train? Oh! My man. If the train's touching your back. Have you feel a train at your back? I guess you'll see nothing because you're dead. Well, I was on mushrooms at a train concert and I got crowdsurfed and I felt nothing. That's honestly, and honestly, I saw drops of Jupiter.

I saw them. I saw them. Oh my god. Can you imagine being so lame of a band that someone's on mushrooms being held in the air listening to your music and they just don't feel anything? They're up there. They're up there. My best friend eats fried chicken.

And you're like, what is this supposed to do for anyone? Is that from meat Virginia Uncle Santa? Oh, yes. I don't. Here's the thing about whatever song that's from. It doesn't, it doesn't make any fucking sense what song, what, where it is in the song. Why is it a part of the song? True, very true.

Um, my best friend's always looking out for me. I think I told you guys this before, not you Uncle Santa. I have a tone of this. I just had that memory when you said getting hit by a train. I was running to catch the train at Addison Redline Stop and the doors were closing and I thought, I know what I'll do and I took my wallet out of my purse as I was running up the stairs.

And I put my wall just stop the doors and it drops obviously I basically what do you mean obviously it's not obvious because that's so much it's such a stretch I of course I dropped it I'm like sprinting up the stairs like go like my wallet will stop the door it drops and then I The doors luckily open back up the people in the trailer like did you just throw My wallet was about to take off to go to Belmont without me. I can't it's like true I to this day the dumbest thing I've ever done and I'm on rental podcast. I don't know that I've ever done and I'm on a riddle podcast. I'm Uncle Santa and Hattle. I don't know that I've ever heard of this story. We saw it, Hattle. A woman who robs herself.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's exactly what it was. I'd liked it to board a robbery. It was me. Ha ha ha ha. I stole my own wallet.

Just wait a few weeks, that'll end up as a riddle on our riddle podcast. Exactly. It ended up at North and Clydeborne. I do want to see you seeing Uncle Santa this might be a little painful, but I hope you're sharp-dined and I hope you're ready to roll. I like to see you seeing Aaron based on you kind of shooting yourself in the foot. I want to see you seeing Uncle Santa, you are Uncle Santa, Aaron, you are Vixen.

And I just, I guess I just kind of want to see the breakup scene. Hey, you can't keep calling. Can I just, can we just talk? No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I have a guest over. I can't, I can't talk to you right now Um, I really miss you hey fixing did you read that material about saving the environment? Baby give me one second. Is that gee a body? Don't is that apology about it?

And I told you I don't want to fucking learn Honestly Santa that's not really any of your business anymore. No, right, you're right. It's not. I mean, it's... I'm not entitled to that information, and you shouldn't have to give it. Exactly. Um... So, I'm gonna block your number now. Okay, Santa? Does he fuck you? Like, I used to fuck you.

Oh my God! Santa! Santa! That's a no! I got all the information I wanted that's a no. No, he way better. It's Paul Giammott here She and a body fucks you better than Santa. Have you met a reindeer or a woman before? Of course he does Tell him I fuck you a billion times better What did he say? He didn't say anything put him on the phone Tell my fuck your sideways Tell my fuck you illusionist Tell my fuck you John Adams this guy's got nothing

Oh, so you sit around a man. Where are you? I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming Don't come back, it's over. Do you understand me, Santa? I'm gonna beat, I'm gonna beat GMOD's ass. No you won't, you're gonna drink a bottle of red wine on my front porch and cry all night. Like a sad one back good. I won't cry, Santa don't cry, Santa don't.

You're crying right now, Santa. Santa, I'm hanging up now. Please don't, Santa don't you're crying right now here's how I'm hanging up now please don't say you love me have a no don't say I love you lie to me I don't love you just lie to me she can go in for the Christmas season

well it looks like the amazing Spider-Man 2 is on the other foot come on Aaron are you mad at me? no see you you're crashing it you're crashing it how was that? was that okay? Uncle Santa that was the best thing you've done yet What? Shut up! I'm fine. Aaron, are you mad at me? No. You're crashing it. You're crashing it.

How was that? Was that okay? Uncle Zana, that was the best thing you've done yet. No. You totally tapped into the emotion and the stakes, and you had a sense of character and you had a point of view. It was really fantastic. Truly.

Can I tell you what I was doing? What? Yeah. I was channeling Tim Allen. Oh. I see. I love his politics. Say what we want about the guy's politics. He's one of our finest actors.

No. He was your next riddle. Okay. And yes, the last one was wind and not train, just so everyone was clear. Proud and flashy, they go out to hit the town every night. The Bee Gees. I'm sorry. The Bee Gees. You said Proud and Flashy, they go out every night. The Bee Gees. Well, you can't tell by the way how you're in my heart in a world of light. No time to talk. It's dark. It's dark. It's okay. You can't. Alright, I don't know. I never heard the Bee Gees play the point five species. We're all having fun, so let's see a scene. We're going to see the scene. I'm point five species. I'm point five Bee Gees. We're going to see the scene.

I'm point five Bee Gees. We're going to see the scene. I'm point five Bee Gees. We're going to see the scene. I'm point five Bee Gees. We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene.

We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene. We're going to see the scene. I'm point five and share fun. Oh, well you Question how is Uncle Santa not the worst part about this episode? What? That Uncle Santa! I don't like it. Juckus! Juckus!

You can't- Sorry, I'm saying do you want to use the juckusy? Oh, I'd love to. I understand! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! Alright, alright!

Alright, we have to move on. I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'm gonna say in a laugh. Uncle Santa, we've created a new running bit which is gonna be 0.5 BG. It's 0.5 BG, it's 0.5 BG.

It's 0.5 BG, it's 0.5 BG. Uncle Santa's 0.5 BG. It's fun. I love it. It's 0.5 BG. JPC would hate it. I wish JPC would never come back and Uncle Santa would stay here forever. And he could do a three episode arc.

Yay! Uh, Adel, a big side of you. Yay. Oh, Adel, the thing you created is no longer fun for you. Well, well, well. This is an Adel original. This holy woman barely has a single tooth left. When she calls to her people loudly,

they already know what to do. Mother to Thretha. Isn't he lovely? Yes. It isn't he's, yeah. The hatl. Yes.

100%. That's the funniest thing you've got on the show and I will stand by that. Mother to Thretha. Adel, congratulations. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at you't I literally am incapable of ever being mad at you ever again You just won me over I fell in love with you all over again just Usually for Christmas Christmas day I do reserve this for I take the very most special child and I give them the medal that Chubaka didn't get in the original Star Wars

Oh, yeah, he should have gotten a medal. He should have got a medal and now that we're here. It's early It's early for me to be calling my shot, but Adel here you are. Here is Chubaka's medal from the original Star Wars You are my most perfect child. Oh, God are they gonna say weakest link. Goodbye. Yay. No but it is not Mother 2.3 said that is an excellent guest. Thank you. Thank you. Can we hear the riddle against Uncle Santa? This holy woman barely has a single tooth left. When she calls to her people loudly they already know what to do. Is it like a holy comb or something? Interesting. And what is a holy comb? I was thinking a comb.

Yeah, it's like the comb that like John the Baptist like presses hair with her or whatever. No, yes. I think you're making up. Oh, I get it. No, it's not a holy comb. Okay. But I mean, I guess, no, it's a, I want to tell you that you're on the right track, but I just don't have enough information to say that yet.

Uncle Santa, is this an actual human or is this like an object? Ah, it is an object. It is not an actual, holy woman. So what else has teeth? Combs have teeth. Fucked up potatoes have teeth. Can we hear the full thing again?

One tooth? It's as barely as a single tooth left. Barely. So there are some, or at least one. At least one. At least one. Some have these have more, but some have less. One is a good standard.

A knife. Oh, you're going to explain? No. Oh, okay. I could do 0.5 beijis, but I'm going to use a explain. Winshing calls to her people loudly. I feel do 0.5 BGs. We're using a client. When she calls to her people loudly, I feel like that. It's not a phone.

A 2-0. Oh, is it like a record player? It's a church bell, Aaron. Give me that bell back, you little freak. You don't deserve it. Aaron, here you are. Thank you. You are you're a special Can't do it can't do this time. Oh, you did it's Casey put it in uncle Sanas. I do want to see a scene. Oh This is my new favorite game point five bg's uncle San I do want to see a series based off Bell

I know Last time I saw you was maybe two years ago Base off Bell. I know Last time I saw you was maybe two years ago And you showed up because you were this was Christmas Eve and you were shitting your brains out cuz you ate a bunch of Taco Bell So I do what I see is you see Santa you are uncle Santa Aaron you are the drive-through employee at a Taco Bell and uncle Santa this is you trying to return some Taco Bell Hi, welcome Taco Bell. can I take your order? Hey, I was just here.

Oh God. I was just here, I'm the one who couldn't, um, couldn't decide. Kyle? Kyle, he's back. I need your help. Oh yeah, good. Just get Kyle. Turn it all off.

We're shutting down. We're going to need manager approval for this, so get Kyle for sure. Sir, sir, um, you can't return food here I was I was about to ask what the return policy is yeah you're here you're here a lot man legally you have to have a return policy you cannot have one okay I know you know you know you know you're gonna be right now when we could talk about it. Sir, um... Look, I bought too much. I knew I was gonna. We all knew I was gonna.

But I wanted to smell what a case of red always like. And now that I know, I do need to return to my house. Sir, can I make a suggestion? Perhaps you could put in your refrigerator at home and then have it in half hour because this is what happens with you is you go... Vixen got the fridge. Okay. I only eat what I keep in my sleigh and there's no tours and there's no roof.

So it has to go back. Sir, what's going to happen? And because this happens all the time with you. Yes. If you come through and you go, what do I want? What do I want? What do I want? And then you order most of our menu and then you drive back through after you're full

and then you try to return it And we've taken her back a few times Yes, we shouldn't have done what you shouldn't have done I would admit that you did I know we should not have done that but you should have done a couple hours later I want you smoke a bowl and our parking lot a couple of hours later Good dark. That's dark shit You're driving. That's true. And you're doing it all over again.

And we do this until we close at 2 a.m. and then it's back at it at 8 a.m. Technically, I'm not driving. The reindeer's are driving. So I can't get busted because I'm not, I'm not piloting. I'm just sitting. I have a passenger of this,

so I'm allowed to smoke a ball. Norck. Sir, you cannot just order how much you are hungry for that moment. Let me ask you this. Oh my god. Let me ask you this. Can I get partial credit? Partial refund.

If I took the crunch rep supreme apart, because here's the thing. I'm trying to figure out how to make them at home. But to do that, I got to take it apart every time. But here's the thing. I can't put it back together to save my life. So can I get half credit? Can I get a dollar back?

Can I get a dollar back? No, I will only sell you one thing at a time from now on, and you also can't make them at home Santa. It doesn't, even if you made something that looked like it and smelled like it, you can't, cannot get our taste. Yeah, trust me, I know, I've tried. I've tried. I've tried. And I got to break back into my house every time I want to go home.

And Vixen comes home, but I'm over the stove cooking a crud trap supreme, and I get an earful. And earful. Sir, would you like a free order of nachos if you leave us a rep alone for the rest of the night? Sir, are you talking to me? Yes. I've never heard someone call me that before. I called you that several times in this conversation. Oh, bless your heart, dear.

Hey, here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to just pull forward. I'm going to shove everything I bought back through that tiny little window. And you give me whatever you consider to be fair, and that's the trade. OK, sound like a plan and shuts the whole building down. If the mountain dew is too wet, is that... Can I get a re... Can I just get a new dew?

Everybody just stand on me, why? Aaron, are you mad at me? No, not at all, of course not. Seeing. That was Kyle Laske. Oh, man. Uncle Santa, those greats. And Aaron, can I just say that you're...

More than a woman. More than a woman to me. Want to know something I did yesterday? What? And it's making me giggle all day. What? So I went to an improv show last night, and I had to pee so bad before the improv show. And I actually ran into a listener in her show.

I think their name was Vivian, and they were there with some, I don't know, I say I'm in Vivian, I think we're their names. They really really friendly. Wow, this is last night, your brain's truly a steel trap. I know, but we met them.

I know, but we met them. We're gonna hold on Sam and Vivian, both on the nice list. Oh, nice, but Liz, but then I ran into them, and then I was in the back of the line, and I was like, I have to pee too bad. I gotta run to McDonald's.

I can't wait in this line. And so I ran to them and then I was in the back of the line and I was like I have to pee too bad I got a run to McDonald's I can't wait in this line And so I ran to McDonald's to pee and I said hey Because it said customers only and I said hey, I have to pee so bad I'm actually my friend is in the drive-through line right now But do you mind if I pee and she's like oh, yeah, you're in the drive-through. Yeah, you can pee and so I went and I peed and then this woman looked at me pee walk outside and then walk down the street. And she, the look that she gave me when she realized I was lying, because I just was meeting up with my friend

and then walking away, was like, she wasn't mad, she was just like, I looked like I was maybe the straw that broke the camel's back for her. I think she like, right before I walked in was like, as long as no one else lies to me today I can get through the rest of my shift and it was me I ruined everything well Aaron if I can tie that into Something I know about my uncle I do know he sees you when you're peeing

No man come on you told me that one. Yeah. No, I told you that one. I see you and your parents. Shut the door. I see, I'm sorry. You live with other people. No, I'm sorry.

Close the door when you pee. I just, I'm very quick about it. Well, I'm not that quick. I'll be hold on here at Aaron. He's not that quick. No, no, no, no. I'm a quick pisser. Please tell everyone I'm a quick pisser.

I don't know what that means. It's pretty right. I'm a quick pisser. Please tell everyone I'm a quick pisser Yeah, it's pretty nice. It's pretty right loaded all like a shotgun blast was Santa anything to plug Hold on hold on we're not there in my dear Really I don't know what been six hours of this you went got groceries I did we lost a couple minutes One more riddle one more okay, okay Santa one more riddle, but it better be the best one yet. I can't promise anything, but it is Ryan's last riddle. Okay. It landed like lightning. The young stayed young and the old, the complained forever more.

Their faces became eternal. That's a beautiful poem, but we need a riddle Santa. It landed like lightning. The young stayed young and the old, they complained forever and more. Their faces became eternal. I don't know, fucking popcorn. What? What? How? What do you mean popcorn? The lightning is like heat or electricity and the colonel stayed colonel. That's a good idea. Like colonel stay colonel'sels because there's always some kernels left after you make popcorn

But then the other kernels turn into popcorn, which is like I guess they're aged okay, I do like that that when popcorn pops It's like aged right that's like there. That's like them having puberty right pop popcorn is puberty Am I crazy the only thing this is? I would tell anyone else this. But the only thing that'll say is that it landed like lightning. I think popcorn, it pops gradually. This is something a little quicker. It landed like lightning.

Okay, it landed like lightning. So this is something that strikes fast. Is this like a snake bite? Oh, it's not a snake bite, but that's very good guess at it. Okay, it's something that's really good. But it's not close, it's just a good guess. Is it like a bullet or something? Um, I think I know super fast, but super fat

You're on this the right kind of track with like a thing that happens very quickly Which is like I was just like fucking LASIK the young state young the old they complained forever more their faces became eternal Statue as these are this is statues Lightning statues. It's not statues. No, no forevermore their faces became eternal. Stat-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st The great one. Uncle Santa speaking of can we get a quick photo with you before you leave? No. Uh, no. Oh. Please. Uh, a lot of my friends don't believe that you're my uncle. I'd rather not take a photo and I'd rather not tell you why.

Okay. Um, well Aaron was right. We do plugs into this. Did you want to? I'm a vampire. Oh, knew it. Though, that makes so much sense. That's why you're a moron.

I'm out of Christmas, I give all the presents- Oh, yeah, the immortal. You give out presents just like a vampire? Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, you're the, yeah, yes, yes, yes. Oh, those added, do you have anything to plug besides Christmas? Well, let's see, it's April now, and Christmas is right around the corner, so I would just want to plug to all of the

boys and girls and non-binary folks out there to always stay nice and avoid being naughty. Or Santa will come blast you with his shotty. No. Uh, Santa's not going to kill any kids. What's your name on Twitch Santa? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Aaron was gonna pluck something. Aaron did you want to? I just want to plug pivoting and having a good attitude when you have bad attitude to start. I'm really sorry out of bad attitude to start. I came around, I wish I had had a good attitude the whole time.

So you should maybe just have a good attitude to start. Check out sitcom D&D, follow me on Instagram, Aaron, keep 10, Addle, I'm not mad at you, ever. Never would be after you said, mother to threesome, unbelievable uh what's your victory lap go ahead uh i want to plug i was recently on a guest on one of my favorite shows to guest on i've guessed it on this podcast i think four times uh it's called the restricted section so please check out the restricted section podcast not just my episode but all the episodes it's a wonderful

wonderful time they're fantastic people there so please check that out I also want to plug a movie that I forgot about that I love Kubo into two strings I definitely check check that out if you're looking for something to watch watch Kubo into two strings it's so fantastic and then the last thing out plug is actually I'm gonna say something that I would like for Christmas this year which is for people to support me the way I support them. Oh, good luck with that! You know, like if I started episode, did I?

Super, huh? This is a big, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real 5. Sorry, Eric even. And Uncle Santa. Casey Tony to the editing. How are you, Eric, and the music? Vocal created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Nabooras. What do you think you're going to do with your pet? Hey there hamsters and sticks, if you like that you are going to love this week's Patreon. Hey Riddle Riddle goes back to the classroom with another one of our classic monocenes. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com such a riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or the review crew and out for your episodes

for $8 a month. See you there!