Hey Riddle Riddle - #205: The Ol' Happy Cabbage! w/ Michael Hitchcock

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

We've got special guest Michael Hitchcock (Waiting For Guffman, Best In Show, A Mighty Wind, Glee, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) and we're celebrating by taking a tour of Universal Studios, giving Superman a tattoo, having a birds and bee's talk with a duck, spreading gossip and introducing a new segment! Cover up your Mrs. Fubbs' Parlour, grab your adult toilet paper and dig in to this new episode!  Starring: Adal Rifai John Patrick Coan Erin Keif Special Guest: Michael Hitchcock Editing by:  Casey Toney Theme by:  Arne Parrott Logo by:  Emily Kardamis & Emmaline Morris Want more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon! Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & prints Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle  6351 W Montrose Ave #267 Chicago, IL, 60634 Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531) Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Yeah, before COVID, that magical time. Pre COVID, yes, which feels like forever ago. You can still get pregnant from pre COVID. This is someone you might know from his work on Crazy X Girlfriend. You might know him from Glee. You might know him from one of my favorite movies of the last 10 years.

Barb and Saur in Vista Del Mar. Go to Vista Del Mar. Go to Vista Del Mar. I'm so sorry. I should know the title. And it also fits, it's a lot of work. It add a lot of it. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of Mr. Michael Hitchcock, thank you so much for being here. Michael is only to be mean to myself. You're midwestern, right?

Yeah, I bet. Oh, no, I'm a Chicago boy, you know that. Yeah, I do, yeah. And you still have family there? Yeah, some, my, yeah, I do. Did you grow up in Chicago or the suburbs are? I grew up first in Define, Ohio, and then we moved to the Chicago suburbs

when I was in sixth grade, so sorry. Okay. Both. Define So Hi-O sounds like a made up. It does sound like it's made up, but it's not. It really exists. Which Burberry from? Western Springs, also known as Tree Village.

I only know Mochina. I only know Glen Hill. I always ask, but I really, I really want. It's kind of near Glen Hillin. All right. And the Brookfield Zoo zoo if you have ever Oh, yeah, and Lagrange which my favorite ZZ top song. Yeah Uh, and you've been I mean you've been an LA for most of your life since like it got built

Back when Chaplin brought the studios Well, even before that when they were doing trip to the moon the mellia when Chaplin brought the studios, even before that, when they were doing trip to the moon, the Mellie A. It's been a long. You mean the smashing pumpkin studio? Yes. No, I moved out here in the 80s, believe it or not. And one of my first, I went to UCLA,

I went to Northwestern for grad school, but I mean for undergrad and then UCLA for grad. And while I was there, I was a universal tour guide. So if you need any universal information, I've got it at my finger tip. I've gone on that tour, I was a universal tour guide. So if you need any universal information, I've got it at my fingertips. I've gone on that tour, I love that tour. I could probably still give about half of it. I would love to hear what was like your favorite thing.

That's actually bad news for them because that means they haven't changed a lot of the stuff. Like, I said half of it. Yeah, half of it. No, and we were there. Well, how about a facade is a French word, meaning false front. Oh.

Did you learn that on your tour? I didn't. Okay. And that if you go back in six points, Texas, some of the doors are smaller and thinner to make the bad guys look bigger and stronger. Oh, more perspective? Yes. And some of the doors are wider to make the ladies look more dainty. I didn't learn any of this. I would love to approach a bar from the outside of the deal.

Okay, so there's a, ladies' entrance, a bad guy's entrance. Good guy's entrance. There's eight different doors. I just want to look for on here. Yeah, that's all I ask. I'm with the bronie door. I think that guy's my type. Could you step away from the door?

It's like, you know how guys are fighting in like a saloon and then they have to see what door they want to fall out of while they're fighting. You're like, what's gonna make this look strong? But the in like a saloon and then they have to see what door they want to fall out of But they're fighting. What's gonna make this look strong? But the weird thing about that tour and it's still true because I've taken it recently is the guy The tour guide can be saying anything and everyone is looking at a squirrel in the tree They don't they're not paying a lick of attention if there's a squirrel Yeah, and you think like has no one seen a squirrel before?

Like is that squirrel famous. When I was in fifth grade, we took a class trip to Washington, DC, and my aunt gave me like a disposable camera. You know, one of the codec roller snaps, and we got it back and there was a full roll of film that was just a squirrel. I didn't see it in the park. We went to Washington, DC to like see the white house. I said like that.

I just taken up close photos of a squirrel in the park. And they're like, great, good job. I went time did an industrial thing, you know, with other improvisers. And they gave us each, you know, disposable cameras to take pictures so that they could post them, I guess. And one of the improvisers did nothing but take pictures of his turds and the toilet.

He entire role was that. So yeah, that was the kind of thing. Are they famous now? Because you could sell those photos. They're kind of famous now. So, anyway, Jason Beaman. It was Jason Beaman. For all of the famous improvisers that took those photos,

there's so many more unsung heroes that never made it that took the exact same photos. Of course. And we honored them on this journey. I kind of like them just the, yeah, I'm not gonna to do anything you asked. Yeah. Well, you're from Define, so high.

That's true. That's fine. That's ingrained in your DNA. How many people, did you ever see anybody falling the jaws, Lake? I almost slipped in the jaws, Lake once because one time we had to stop after jaws, Lake, because a little child had to go to the bathroom and the mother insisted So they kept ringing the bell to make the things stop and so the kid ran behind a bush to pee and then I was on that doc and I almost fell in Um, there's sharps in there

Be careful There's one. Can I be careful? There really is. You have to be very careful. Honestly, probably a metal shark is more dangerous than a gang shark. Probably is. And that's also weirdly part of Cabot Co.

For Murder She Wrote. Ooh. Yeah. That's shaved. She wrote her bike down the little wing and stuff. Oh, we reviewed. We reviewed the first episode of Murder She Wrote. I think it was an Ian episode of Murder She Wrote.

An episode. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Michael, I do have to ask, what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems? Did you, were up and join them? Do you enjoy them? Do you do crossword or anything like that? Absolutely nothing. That's my favorite answer we've ever got.

Yeah, I guess I did riddles, but I'm not like a big riddle person. I'm not that nerdy. I do magic tricks. There's no time for riddles if you do magic tricks. I grew up doing magic tricks and getting paid to do them like at old folks homes and like Cubscaught places. Yeah. It's always unclear are they paying for the magic trick or are they paying so that I'll go away and do a magic trick to something else.

I'm sure they were paying for it. When my magic guy, it's really odd to think that anyone, yeah, who does magic could be popular. I don't know. Fuck you, David Blaine. How much sleight of hand or pressy digitation does it require for an octogenarian to be impressed? Well, I did know sleight of hand

because I thought that was like uncool. I think I was just too lazy to do it, but I did build illusions in our basement. Whoa, you did like full illusions. Yeah, I think I was just too lazy to do it. But I did build illusions in our basement. Whoa, you did like full lot illusions. Yeah, I did. I like built them out of, you know, plywood. And then my brother, my little brother had to be the person in the box that got the swords through them.

But they weren't swords. It was electrical conduit, because that's what we had in the basement. So, even more dangerous, even more dangerous. Yeah. Um, so, yeah, but I would buy them, I had in the basement. So even more dangerous, even more dangerous. Yeah. Oh, so yeah, but I would buy them, I'd buy the plans. Back then you could get like the, get plans for like a couple of bucks. And they weren't that magic.

It wasn't like the good stuff. There was a lot less magic than that. This is back with, I mean, I, I remember as a kid, there was like X-Race backs. Oh, yeah. Well, whereas a kid you're like, you can buy X-Race backs. And then you get, you get them and you're like, these are absolute garbage. Yeah, yeah. Well, where as a kid, you're like, you can buy X-ray specs. And then you go, I bought all that you get them and you're like, these are absolute garbage. Here, I bought it at least four or five bald caps. Yeah.

Thinking I'm gonna look bald, but then they're all folded and they don't, you know, yeah, they look insane. Did you buy it in bulk or did you just never give up? I never gave up. Thinking it's got to get better. Surely the the bald cap that's gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up.

I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up.

I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up.

I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up.

I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. I never gave up. magic tricks. Yeah. At Marshall Fields, at the time Marshall Fields had a whole magic department. Yeah. So. The Marshall Fields and Chicago turned into a macy's and that shut down. And I went in when they were selling all of their fixtures. So I have two Marshall Fields mirrors in my home. Oh, that's so cool.

Yeah. Yeah. From the second floor bathroom. They are huge. And there's a ghost trapped in one. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. From the second floor bathroom. They are huge. There's a ghost trapped in one. Yeah. 100%. And what about like, what is it now? Oh, probably an empty building. Oh, I'm sorry. If it's Chicago, probably condos. It's probably upscale, very nice, very nice condos. Probably. That's state street. That's prime real estate. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's that?

I got a group on one of those old buildings where it's like used to be a Marshall field or something, I can't remember. It's everything down there used to be Marshall fields. And now it's an Apple store. I'm so proud of myself for not buying the amount of mannequins.

I wanted to walk out there with, I was like, okay, what's my mannequin budget? And I was like, I need to go home right now or I'm about to buy the amount of all their mannequins. Someone's, someone sent me, I guess a year ago, Brango Mints, that, you know, it's on the top of the game. If you're from Illinois, those are coveted.

That's our currency. That's our currency. Someone must be saving them. I mean, someone must be producing them somewhere. Yes, I think. You can still buy them, yeah. Because it's Brango Mints for everyone outside of Chicago. We're made by Marshall Fields.

Brango Mints and Garrett's popcorn are like, oh, two gifts you give to people who used to live in Chicago. Right. I give Garrett's all the time. It smells great. It's, it's good. Wow. I've been shipping people out of Italian beef. You're saying that, no. No, that's not.

You're not? Yeah, it's just, you're not going to handle. I give them like a mason jar full of Chicago River wine. But from St. Patrick's Day, so it's great. It's best. What they don't tell you is it's always slightly great. They do not know how to get the grade out. Just centuries of green being dumped in.

I think they're, I read something where the Chicago River is like the only river where they force it to go the opposite way. Yeah, they're proud of that. So all the wastewater goes down the Mississippi as opposed into beautiful like Michigan. We'll make it St. Louis's problem. Yeah, that's pretty proud of that. So all the wastewater goes down the Mississippi, as opposed into beautiful Lake Michigan. Yeah, we'll make it St. Louis's problem. Yeah, that's pretty much why they did it. And people say conversion therapy doesn't work. It works with water. It works.

We did it to the Chicago River. We could do it to your son. Yeah. Nightmares about that whole lock system where they, cause to make it reverse. Oh, yeah, yeah, they have locks. I always, I still did this thing. I'm going to drown in a lock.

So I don't know if I've ever seen a lock. Well, we've never done the boat tour. No, I feel like you can give that boat tour. It feels like you remember a lot. Did you give these Chicago architectural boat tour, but as a universal on my side of the boat, you might see the building where the Kennedy's built. The merchandise smart, Joe Kennedy, fun fact,

used to be a rum runner. This is where they punched a horse in blazing saddles. That just looks like a lake. Over on the driver's side of the boat, are all the streets they used in the Blues brother. Where they dropped a hundred cars from like a crane. Yeah, universal. You always have to go up.

Everything goes up when you're talking. That's like a news anchor or something. Yeah, did you get home from work and start talking like that? Oh, yeah, I don't know. Either that or you don't talk at all. I don't, yeah, it was, it's a lot of like this. You're always smiling and it's bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop. The idea of a universal tour guide just disassociating at the end of the day,

just not speaking in their home, I just don't know what to say. I do want to see a scene, we're going to see our first scene. Okay. Aaron, you are a, everyone quit on the same day, so you are universal stand-in tour guide. You've never given the tour, but you were the only person around who would take the job. Michael and JPC, you are the only two guests on the tour. Hey! Hey.

Hey, so where are y'all from? I'm from Ames, Iowa. Wow, and you? I am from Michigan City, Texas. Excellent. I see your name is Cheryl and that your favorite movie is back to the future. Yeah, well, I had to use someone else's name tag.

Never seen that flick. Do you know any movies? Well, I love back to the future. Great, and that's famously about... It's about going back into the future. Excellent. Reveal them. So here, we're going to kick off our tour.

Here's some movie posters. Oh, we're going down a hill. Oh. That one. Oh, we're going down a hill. That one, oh, I couldn't read that one. That one's gone now too. Is this hill famous for anything? Movies? My boss is... Hill Street Blues. Hill Street. This is the hill from Hill Street Blues.

Hill Street Blues. Oh, is the squirrel part of the tour or... Squirrel? Where's the squirrel? That squirrel tour or? Squirrel. What is squirrel? That squirrel is depressing from willing grace. No. Stop the tram. I need to see that squirrel.

We can't stop because now we're going. No, it's gone. I hope there's another squirrel. Two are left. We have squirrels just like that in Michigan City, except everything's a little bigger in Texas. I love that squirrel. I'm glad I got some photos. Yeah, well that was Debra Messing.

She's very busy woman here. I'm willing grace. Oh, but that's been over for years. Oh! Even the reboot's been over for years. Goodness, let's see. Have you ever met Debra Messing? I heard she's really nice. Yeah, so kind. Let's see. When did you meet her?

Um, I'm Cheryl. My favorite movie spectrum. Who are the nicest people in Hollywood? You guys seem pretty nice and you're technically in Hollywood right now. I'm on the run You look familiar sir you a celebrity. Oh, no, I'm just in case the right breaks down. I'm a mechanic What I did work on a TV show. What was it? Oh, I want to say that it was everybody loves Raymond. That can't be us. That's not us. Is that us?

Well, I don't. It's civilly work for universe. Well, I get out of here, man. You're not helping at all. Oh, well, you didn't have to push him out. And now this is Psycho, the house from Psycho. Wow, wow, it's huge Well, we're gonna make it flood oh

Did it flood in the movie? No, this is another part. This is the I'm trying to remember actual parts of the story Oh Cheryl you're so good. You're doing a you're doing a great job. You're doing a great job. I'm not your autograph later. Did someone say blood? Ray Romano. I didn't think that was in the rehearsal. Dabba. Oh, brother.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, so that's basically riddles. So, Mike, let's get into some riddles. We're going to use some warm-up riddles. Sure, warm-up riddles. Yeah, just get harder. riddles. We're gonna use more of my riddles. Sure. War my riddles. Yeah, just they get harder. They get harder. Yeah. Oh, boy. So just the kind of easis in. Let's do some simple riddles here. What is strong now? Yes. Adel did say simple riddles, but we were to be clear. These are just war of up riddles. They might be very difficult. They could be. Yeah. We're not

going to win the install. Eddie one with a simple. Yes, yes. Thank you so much. Yes. What is stronger than steel, but can't handle the sun? Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, I see why you call them warm up riddles. Famously bitched on the cross when the sun was out. Yeah. Okay. Well, that was easy. Yeah. And there will be no rebuttal. The answer is Jesus. The original man of steel. when they were making a Clark canons Superman man. Jesus as a yeah as a map. The human spirit. Aaron no what a star than steel but can't handle the sun.

This is this is a weird one in terms of I don't know that I'd say this is stronger than steel. I could be I mean they say that like spider webs are stronger than steel who says that spiders it's spider propag are stronger than steel. Who says that? Spiders? It's spider propaganda. Spiders at bars. I built a car on a spider webs edit. Fuck it. I would get so many accidents. The airbags would go off and my cigar would go up into the sky. So stronger than steel, but can't handle the sun. Oh, stronger than steel. Is okay. So handle the steel. Is this, and this is sometimes the case with riddles. Is sun spelled like S-O-N? Is this like a great question?

It's S-U-N. Okay, now that doesn't help me because I can't remember which one is which as far as spelling is concerned. Is it the moon? It's not the moon, but that is a interesting one. They don't like each other. They can't steal, but they can't handle the sun. A black hole. No don't like each other. It can't steal, but can't handle the sun. A black hole.

No, but that's closer. That's closer? Yeah, so is it like a force like gravity? It is, it's something that's found in nature frequently. Again, I'm very caught up on grasshopper. Grasshopper. Water. Grasshopper.

Yeah, what do you say? Grasshopper. Give me a causebo of letting Marin a grasshopper make it stronger than steel. It's not a grasshopper. Yeah, what do you say grasshopper? Give me a Cosmo of Lady Mary and a grasshopper make it stronger than steel It's not grasshopper. It's not grasshopper. Is it water? Is it yeah? Well ice it is ice. Oh, I got it right and I just Once again the guest has out done the host so I had I had help. I got the burden to pick with you. You don't think ice is stronger than steel? No.

Yeah, me neither, huh? Yes, neither. I don't think. I couldn't take an ice pick to steel and chip away chunks of steel, could I? I, yeah. I don't know what metric this person is using. That brittle is bullshit.

Yeah. That's our tagline. Yeah. You're fitting right in. And that riddle is from Stefan. It says here that it's Stefan's last birthday. I'm not sure whether it's just to include that detail, but have you ever said, Stefan?

Well, since we're already on the steel train, why don't we do one more? I'm that involves steel. I'm full of holes, but strong as steel. What am I? Oh my God. Full of holes. But strong as steel.

This could be Swiss cheese. Whoever's right, these riddles is a fucking idiot. Well, full of holes. Full of holes. Steel. Most of the plots from Glee. You cannot challenge. Yeah, you can't deny.

They were pretty strong plots. Yeah, it's not strong as steel. And you brought it up to the EPs on set, right? We make these plots stronger. Um, this isn't gleeful. Let's see. So strong. I steal full of holes. I earn by the way I want to acknowledge I love person because we don't think about it But people are full of holes Superman would technically work for this answer. That's not what I have here But that would technically work. Yeah. Why? Super. Why? Well, he's got a few holes. Let's listen.

Just for shits. For shits, a giggle list list of, huh? We got two in the nose. Superman with the assholes, famously. Yeah. Oh, he's got the asshole in the cloaca because he's from Krypton. Okay, what is this?

What has holes? He, yeah, he had a famous piercing in his dick. The whole print's alphard. You say famous, I say infamous. I do want to see a see of dick. The whole print's altered. You say famous, I say infamous. I do wanna see a see about that. It's a perspective thing. This will be a JPC, you are going in to get a tattoo. Or a JPC, you're giving a tattoo.

Michael, you're going in for a tattoo. And you are Superman. Okay. But you're in your Clark Kent disguise. You're my two o'clock. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm early. Oh, it's totally fine. Time just flies by. I can't get why that's funny, but no, it's totally fine.

I didn't have my, my, my one is already over. So what are we doing today? Well, we're not doing kryptonite. That's the last thing I want on my body. Okay, no, it's, yeah, I use all, I just ink, it's just ink here. So you don't have to worry about, I'm not breaking any health codes or anything like that. Is it weird to get a Britney Spears tattoo? No, I mean lots of, I mean, it's not weird to get inherently a Britney Spears tattoo.

I don't see a lot of like, very good looking adult baby get Britney Spears tattoos, but I can give you any tattoo that you want. Yeah, all right, well, if you don't mind, but I can give you any tattoo that you want. Yeah. All right, well, if you don't mind, you can just put it right next to Christine Aguilara. We appreciate that. All right, okay. Oh, oh.

What, you're, by the way, are you going for like a full sleeve of female pop stars? Because this is, this is quite a lot. Thank you so much. Was it a compliment? Some of them are not pop stars. There's Rosemary Clooney. That's what Christmas is. There's rosemary cluny

That is rosemary cluny, though. I was I was having the damnedest time Bigger now to it was yeah a little like Eleanor Roosevelt if I flash That is absolutely okay, and you said right next to Christian regular. Yes, please if you don't mind okay And then if you don't mind I if we have time, sure, maybe a big S on my chest. Okay. Just cause, I'll touch you. Yes, okay, gotcha. I didn't know if you were coming onto me. I come onto you.

Well, I don't know if you wanted me to take a big S on your chest. This is a very common thing for me. I give out an energy. I've been told from previous girlfriends that I give out an energy. I've been told from previous girlfriends that I give out an energy of a person who is into that kind of, I have to admit, I have a little bit of a chubby, which can be a problem with my pair of sinks. Oh, man.

Well, now I want a rosemary cluny tattoo. I've heard you singing snow. No, snow. I bet that's one that you have to also write on the tattoo rosemary cliny. Yes, everyone's correct. This is what you wanted to do. A rosemary cliny. From white Christmas.

Yeah, just in the beginning. Did we get the answer to that one? We did not. Oh my god. I'm full of holes and strongest steel. So, uh, Full of holes. Michael is pretty close with the Prince Albert.

And I'll also say this is tag can't give another. That can't be pretty close. The other hands I'll give is Fleetwood Mac. Oh, uh, what? Okay, um, strong as steel in full of hole, a rumor. Well, then it's got to be a piercing of some sort. Like, um, like, um, Fleetwood Mac. I think it's a prince. A prince Albert. Oh, it's like a, is like a penile piercing and then is there like an additional attachment to it? Let me look.

For listeners, Michael is thinking of his shirt. Like, on that. He's taking out a Spanish to English dictionary. Like, I only know the term for this is Spanish. Let me look. I can't tell. It's all rustling. Oh, the Thai Coke.

This could be, I could be conflating this with something else, but... Yes. Wasn't it true that Stevie Nicks like did a lot of cocaine and destroyed her Stevie Nicks knows Oh, no, it might be full of holes because the whole merge But it was stood all that cocaine so strong as steel What was it here ears? It's not ears. So this is again, I think this involves This is involved in a prince Albert, but I could be wrong, I might misunderstand

what a Prince Albert is. Oh, a chain, a chain. A chain. Oh, full of all. Yeah, I like that. You can have, you can never break the chain. Probably the best leot would max. I bet you everyone listening got that riddle

like 10 minutes ago, they're shouting at us. We get a lot of people who say that they scream at their phone, which I guess is what we provide for people in their commute. We can't hear them. We also do ads for at home therapy. So I think a lot of the same people could kind of find a happy ground this. Oh good, that's smart.

You make them angry and frustrated then you scare them. Because that's how therapy works. I'm cured. I'm cured. Finally. Got all my diplomas for therapy on my back wall of all my graduations. Because that's how therapy works. Yeah. I'm cured. I'm cured, finally. Got all my diplomas for therapy, all my back wall of all my graduations. No more growth. Yeah.

My therapist always just hands out stickers at the end. See me after class. A lot of most improved. Stickers. Okay, let's do another one here. This will be our last warm-up riddle. This is, I can be long or I'm sorry. I can be long or I can be short I can be black, white, brown or purple. You can find me the world over and I am often the main feature. What am I? Oh, this is a belt. Oh

It's the traveling cast of the Teletubbies Tor, but they're touring. Yes, it's a touring show. A belt probably is right. I can be longer, I can be short. I can be black, white, brown or purple. You can find me the world over and I'm off. The four belt colors.

The four. That is a belt for every occasion. Black, every season. Generyles, white, weddings, and birds. And new poaps. And burbs. Brown and purple. And what was the last part of it you can find me the world over and I am often the main feature I think main feature is

a pretty good clue main food a arunding ding ding oh it's a feature in main air and what kind of purple food do they have a lobster eggplant eggplant longer short is pretty helpful. Not to me. White and brown is probably the best other hint. Black and purple is a little more rare. I'm a bruise banana. Yeah, is it like a fruit or a vegetable?

No. Is it an animal? No. Do you have 19 questions left? But you said main attraction Which makes me either think it's like a lion or it's from like oh a main cost. It's Emmy. I am but this is you eating lions Depends is that what do we think about you know the easy feed lines to prisoners? Is it ice cream? It's not ice cream. That's too bad. I wish

Yeah, can we go get some now? Is it ice cream? It's not ice cream. That's too bad. I wish it was ice cream. Yeah. Can we go get some now? Let's go. Oh, is it dip and dots? The ice cream of the future for the last three years. I can be longer short. I can be black, white, brown or purple. You find me the world over.

And often the main feature. Adults of long and short is like a crucial part of this. Right? It's helpful. I think long and short is helpful and brown and white is helpful. Again, black and purple is pretty rare. I've had black of this. I don't think I've ever had purple of this.

Brown and white. Is it like candy? It's not candy. Well, gravy? It's not gravy. Is it sweet? It's not sweet. It can be sweet.

It can be sweet with, if you add like mango. Potato. And you make it sticky. Oh, rice? Oh, rice? It's rice. Long and short. Long grain, long grain. Long grain, long grain. In Houston. It's right. It's university.

Go owls. I think owls are temple. This is exactly why I don't like riddles. Yeah. Yeah. We hate them too. Because you have to Google is purple rice a thing? Apparently it is. I guess so. You never listen to prints? Purple rice, purple rice. Absolutely.

I've maybe South America has purple rice. It good. Hey, I don't know that I've ever had purple rice. I've had black rice before. Yes, they also call it forbidden rice. Specifically with sushi, I feel like is where I've had. I feel like it's where I've had black rice I don't think I've had black rice in any other context Hmm, and then white and brown never that's a mystery to be I've never even fucking heard of that. That's insane

Um, I lied. We're gonna do one more and then we're gonna take a break. Oh, I'm so sorry Michael. I'm so sorry I'm a little liar when I said when I said oh that was like like a delightful My favorite type of cereal oh I liar. Oh, he's one of the more riddles What grows up while growing down What grows up while growing down oh Toured What's what a plant like he gets the better he is root vegetables Plants, like, the shorter he gets the better he is. Root vegetables.

Root vegetables. A lot of people don't know this. Clint Howard was six six and they said, Clint, we can never cast him. He would opposite you because of the framing. Yeah. And then he started shrinking and he started picking up. And his passport career was over.

That's. And by the way, that book that he and Ron Houdro is fantastic. The boy's really it's great. And I'm not kidding. It's a really great book. I got picked that up. Yeah. Okay. What grows up while going down? What was it again? You got it. What grows up while growing? I like to air into answer.

I care. Yeah. Vegetables. It's not vegetables. This is a living thing to quote yellow. I'm saying what do you think carrots are? Fucking vegetable. So it's an animal. It is an animal. What grows up all growing down? Hmm. Your hair does that too, right? It's the same thing, like the roots go down and the hair comes out.

Human. Human. Herons pointing at me. Occusatorially. Yeah, let's see. Well, if it was what gets old while growing down, it would be my balls. Wait, let me check. That's not the, that's not that's not the rid old carrot balls hitchcock over here. That's why you got the chain

You just crank the chain back up and take the balls right back Michael's wearing shorts and it's a bit of a Newton's cradle situation. It's kind of a perpetual motion machine So it's what it's what it's what goes up It's kind of a perpetual emotion machine. So it's what grows up? It's what grows up. I'm gonna start doing that anytime I go to a spa. It's just like sit next to somebody else and just like grab one testicle and let it swim. I'm not bailing you out of jail.

I'm gonna go let him say yeah, let him say. Just keep talking. Once I explain the idea, the guy next to me will have no complaints about it. I would ask them first. What grows up? Well, growing down. Down is probably the key word here.

It's a living thing. A goose. It's a goose or a duck? Yes. I do want to see a scene. Because the down's the feathers. I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are a young duckling.

We'll call you an ugly duckling. I'm comfortable saying that. Subject your so handsome. Michael and Aaron, you are the JPC's parents. You were also geese or ducks. And JPC as a young duckling has noticed some feathers in places where there was no feathers. Some down where there was no down.

And so we're having a little talk. Oh, I'm glad you could join us today, Benjamin. Hey, my head's traveled. Benjamin, everything that's happening to you is totally normal totally normal And my voice is gonna is not gonna be like this forever, right? Yes, it is Because am I accident? Yeah You swallowed all those horns. I Was horny. Oh

Benjamin and I've never been that before because I'm kind of growing into a body that I don't understand. Well, you're at that special age. Where everything changes, it's magical. Can I ask you guys some questions about just kind of some things that are going on in my body? As long as they're not gross. Well, I don't... Okay, so first off, I'm finding feathers in places that like, I didn't ever have feathers before,

like in my poops. Like there's just a lot of feathers. Like it's mostly feathers. Like it's mostly feathers. There's supposed to be growing out of you, not growing into you. Well, I have a confession to make at night, I just stick feathers in this poop,

just for laugh or two. Sweetheart. I'm sorry. Okay, that makes so much sense. Yeah, it's just, because I should have mentioned, it's not when it comes out, it's like a day later when they go back to check. When you're looking at it.

Yeah. I understand. We all like to go back and look at our poops. The boys in my house, my god. Actually dad bought me a disposable camera specifically to go back and take pictures of the later okay so fun we wanted to talk to you about the birds and the bees our neighbors

they've been hearing you scream at night okay yeah I so I was gonna say that I've been having some like really bad dreams oh, that's why you should not watch horror films. Okay, well, seems like a lot of judgment. That's a lot of judgment. I'm interested in the genre. I feel like I can appreciate it for the art. It's all about the scaryness to me. You're going through duck puberty.

Am I going to be okay? No, you're going to be a mattress. Or a pillow. I feel like, don't they now do mostly like memory foam. Not here. Oh, man. See, and now we'll take you to an ad probably about a pillow or a mattress. Hahaha.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Hey, JPC, you know how I love, he looks sleep, I love that he looks mattress brand, uh, best nights sleep in my life. I know not everyone is on board yet, so I secured award winning sleeper, Merrill Sleep. Um, she's right behind that door, Merrill sleep. Wow, she won the golden pillow for best sleep. That's right. Hey Merrill

Very well rested after sleeping on my midnight looks Helix mattress Good to see you good to see you your naps are stunning I just wanted you to tell people about Helix sleep how the Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe collection. The newly released Helix Elite collection, a mattress design for big and tall sleepers, even a mattress made just for kids. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100 night trial in a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out the new Helix matches. Who do you who who did I think you were? I don't know. I'm marrow sleep and I know everybody is unique and everybody sleeps differently.

I just recommend taking the Helix sleep quiz and you can figure out what mattress is right for you. I don't know if you're a side sleeper, or you sleep hot or cold, or if you sleep like me, Merrill's sleep. Yeah, choosing the right mattress is a real Sophie's decision, but don't just take our word for it, or Merrill's sleep's word for it. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired Magazine.

It was even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine. Shh. I don't think I thought you were the person that you were talking about. Who are, what a performance. Helix mattresses all come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the model.

Oh, stunning. Yeah, look, he looks as offering 20% of all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helix sleep.com slash riddle. This is their best offer yet and it will not last long with Helix better sleep starts now. Go ahead and give her the Academy of Snore. The Snore? Academy of Snore?

You know what? You mean Academy of Snore. Glint close to falling asleep. That's why I got you. Oh, yeah? You mean the cat and me has gnaw. Glint close to falling asleep. That's why I got you. Oh yeah, I got that a lot. Hey, Adel, hey, Aaron, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. Sure, yeah, I wore the skeleton outfit

just cause I figured this was coming. Happy Halloween a few months early. It's not yet the- What is it? So you know how the two of you, I was like, guys, I am always so hungry for lunches and dinners and the like and you, jokers, told me, oh, JPC, it's okay. All you have to do is take some, you know,

American paper currency, tape it to your front door, close the door, and then wait until someone brings you food. Well, I kept opening the door and the money was gone. So I had to tape more money to my door. I think you're thinking, didn't work at all. Oh, door cash. Door cash. Yeah, you did door cash. We told you door dash is the number one thing to you.

What the hunk? With door dash, you'll enjoy next level convenience with delivery in the hour, making it easier than ever to get whatever you want delivered to your house, whether that be back to school supplies or whatever it is that you eat. JPC, which I don't know, what you eat. I eat back to school supplies. But wait.

JPC, all your favorite retail, grocery, and convenience stores are on the app, so you can chop everything, your kids, your dogs, your family, might need for back to school. And hey, personally, your kids, your dogs, your family might need for back to school. And hey, personally, just yesterday, I bought some Marsha's homemade premium quality buck eyes, you know, those candies that are chocolate stuff with peanut butter. I just got those from DoorDash and they were, they were on my porch within 20 minutes, and it's very, very dangerous because they're delicious.

Did you fill your belly and your pantry? Uh, yes. Did you fill your belly and your pantry? Uh, yes. Did you fill your backpack? I did. Okay, well then DoorDash has come again for the gold. I remember distinctively the stress of going back to school and going from store to store to get all my favorite snacks and pencils and pencil cases and all the things that I needed me and my siblings and I remember how stressed my mom was and I know that she would have loved to have door dash so she could be prepared before the big back to school day arrived.

So you can stock up with go to breakfast lunch box staples and brands that you love don't eat my school supplies JPC. ABC but that a race or a ball with that trapper keeper down your mouth is too small. Never been told that before shop door dash to get everything you need for the back to school season delivered right to your door. Order now for stress free back to school shopping, use promo code RIDDLE to get 50% off up to $10 value. When you spend $15 or more at convenience,

grocery, or retail stores on DoorDash, that's 50% off up to a $10 value. When you spend $15 or more, promo code RIDDLE, don't forget JPC. Because you keep eating those school supplies, that's code riddle for 50% off your next order terms apply. At all, JPC keeps eating my gel pens. Thanks, DoorCash. I mean, no, that's the one. That one didn't work. That one's bad. Hey, JPC.

Yeah? Hey, GPC. Uh, uh, yeah. You're not in trouble. I just need help. I'm, um, pranking Addle. And I'm setting up a whole website to prank him. Um, can I just need some advice? This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. I'm not, I'm not mad at you.

We're pranking Addle. Squarespace is the only one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and to see it online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website. It gage with your audience. And so anything for products to cut into time, all in one place, all on your terms.

Hey, Addle, come here, come here, come here. Hey, what's going on? I actually, I want to prank GPC and I want to set up a whole website to prank him. Do you have anything that like, is there like an online store that could set up on my website to sell products? Did you know that with Squarespace? You can have custom merch. You can easily sell custom merch and create passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand design your products and production and inventory and shipping are handled for you saving your time and money. What is happening?

Okay. Wait, what's going on with that all? Oh, nothing, nothing. I'm just setting up a very normal Squarespace website, not a prank thing. No, he's gonna tune you. And I'm gonna use analytics. Use insights to grow my business and learn where my site visits and sales are coming from.

That's pretty cool. I'm going to improve my website and build marketing strategy based on top keywords, our popular products and content on my prank website, the prank site. Whoa, that's awesome, Aaron. I'm glad you're using Squarespace. Did you say what the website was for? I can't remember what the website was for. The website was for. Remember what's the website for? Prank. With Squarespace.

You can connect to your store to Vedent Third Party tools to extend the functionality of your website. Hey JPC, hey JPC. What's up, Vattle? I can't believe we pranked Aaron with our little boy routine. Dude, we got her. Anyway, if you want to prank Aaron with your little boy routine, head to squarespace.com for a free trial. We got her. Frank. But how? I don't know. I want to do all come out here. I live here now. So you do the thing

from yeah, by magic of um the internet. Yeah, that's great. And then blossom, we were out here this was 2019, but the show that we're doing on Sunday, we were supposed to do a May of 2020. And it just got pushed. Well, yeah. How often are you doing improv out here?

None of your business. Fuck, I'm fair enough. Hi. Hey, can we edit when I said that I think the world of this guy? I think we can edit in what world do you think? I do it. Yeah, I tried to do about once a month. I'll go to a show at the ground links or something.

Yeah. So you so performed like, like, is that sketch? Is that characters? It's improv. Like they do, yeah, they do sketch on Fridays and Saturdays. And then they do improv Wednesdays and Thursdays and then they do improv Wednesdays and Thursdays. Yeah, so and Wednesdays is long-form Thursdays is short for my usual. Yeah, okay I think Rowling's is like the biggest mystery to me in terms of like

Because I think for what I've heard from like Phil Hartman Molly Shannon like it's all characters Of but I guess it is also in a prop and yeah, yeah, they do everything like written characters Yeah, they do a lot of sketch for the for the shows for the showcases or the school It's a lot of improv training. Do you have a preference for any short form and long form? It sounds like you well I grew up doing more short form. So that's what I'm used to. I do do long form. Yeah It can be it can be fun or it can be torturous, but then so can short form. Yeah Yeah, you know, I mean the thing that I like about short form is you have like an out in a gimmick. So it's like, yeah, you know, it's like, you, this one's only gonna go three minutes

and maybe the audience didn't like it, but we're gonna have a bunch more that they could maybe sink their teeth in. You can cleanse their palate pretty fast. Yeah, we're with one form. It's like, you'll cleanse your palate in 45 minutes. Yeah, if you didn't get it in the first five minutes, it's not right. Better. But then on long form, if you get stuck in nobody, get you out of the scene and you're just going and you're like, I'll tag myself out, I don't care. Oh, after a while, just say,

Yeah, please, I think this is awful and like, hit me out or you're watching the scene and you're enjoying it and then you're going, oh, I'm in the show. Oh, yeah, I should edit. I need to, maybe I should get out there. Yeah. So that happens too.

It's like very strange. But I've woken up from like a three o'clock in the morning from short form things that went horribly wrong. From 20 years ago. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So it's like, oh, how did that? Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. So do you have any. We it's funny because before we started recording, we were sharing some like corporate horror stories of the worst, as I used to do comedy sports in Indianapolis, and we did a lot of corporate shows for Christmas parties and stuff like that. And one of the worst, I think I've probably even talked about it on the show before.

And I'm assuming we're back into the show. Are we back recording? But one of the worst ones that I ever did was a Christmas party. And I think someone was joking when they introduced us, but they brought us up to the stage by saying like, hey, we could have given you all Christmas bonuses, but instead we hired these guys, ladies and gentlemen, Comedy Spawns. No.

And everyone is like a pain could have dropped in this. And there was everyone just scowling at us. And we did a full hour. And it was the worst hour of comedy that I've ever done in my life. Oh, yeah, I've been in a few that have been just awful. And one of them was a black tie dinner for the mayor of LA.

Exactly. And for some reason, we were in a ballroom downtown at a hotel and the sound was garbled. So they couldn't really understand us. So everyone just ate their meal and wasn't paying any attention to us, except to boo us or whatever. And one of the people was like, hey, Mayor, what do you hope for next year?

And he went hopefully better comedy than this and the whole place applauded. So that happened. Oh, no. And then I had to get up to end the whole thing and I was singing a song set to the tune of Camelot and I had dancers behind me. And I thought finally they're paying attention because they were.

They weren't, they were looking and watching. And what I didn't know, this happened, is one of the dancers that was dressed up like a little girl fell off the back of the stage into a drum kit. No. Crawl back up on stage. She was now missing a shoe and her whole leg was bleeding. And she was limping trying to fit. So she's bleeding and limping, missing a shoe and her whole leg was bleeding. And she was limping trying to fit. So she's bleeding and limping missing a shoe.

And that's what they were. And I thought, I finally got them. The better comedy. It was just awful. Why didn't she give up? That's incredible. I know. I wouldn't give enough.

I would have just sat on that drum kit all day today. That is so funny. Which is the title of your autobiography, right? Yeah. In the front of Black Tie dinner. right? We have Black Tide dinner. I mean, so they paid like, you know. Yeah, a couple hundred bucks to be there. Pretty much to be there.

We did that show that was all divorce lawyers in the audience. And not a one laugh. It was an hour and a half. It's the worst. And they hated it. And we had to do, we had to do improv based off their business newsletter. So they have like an internal newsletter. Dry, dry, dry, dry.

And it was like the most horrendous stuff of like, here's why these people got divorced and like someone was murdered and did it, uh, and then they're like, make that funny. And we're like, uh, can we just, oh, I know that always happens. We're like, come on stage and limp. Yeah. And then call yourself, you know, Bob. And then then there's Bob and he's like in a wheelchair

in the front row and no one told you that that. Yeah. You're like, what? What are you doing? It's horrible. Horrible. We used to, for comedy sports, it actually worked out well most of the time.

We had this two-page info sheet that we had sent to the contact, and it was all like, tell us about your business. Tell us some characters around the office, you know what, yada, yada, yada. And one time, someone filled this out, and we, and we were like, okay, so like, you're gonna get this bit, you're gonna get this bit,

I'll get this bit. We go and we do the show. It became obvious about five minutes into the show that the person who filled it out, no one knew any of the people they were fucking talking about. Like those people weren't there, or they never met them. Cause usually it'd be like,

I hope Bob does need any more of the pork from last year's picnic and people would laugh or applaud. We would say something like that, people would be like, what? What? What does this guy talk about? What the fuck is Bob? What's pork?

What the only thing that works is if you know who their rival is. So I remember doing, I did a corporate gig for Trappocana and I can't even think of it. Oh, what it was was during the scene, like nobody was laughing. So there's a scene where I was like, hey, Tony, you work for MinuteMade, right?

Fuck you. And everyone was like, losing their minds, like standing up and clapping. So it's like, if you do that, they'll like get into it, but other than that, they don't throw that inside. Well, one thing we would do though to just get through it, is we would play jokes on the people that were in it with us. And one of the things I did, I had a right one of them,

and I told the person in charge of whatever this was. I said, we have a guy, he does the best Mick Jagger you have ever said. Then we went to, then we told my friend Tim, like, you have to do Mick Jagger. He's like, I don't do a person. Like, what? It was so mean. It was so mean.

And it was so much fun to watch him prancing around having to sing like instead of, I can't get no satisfaction. Satisfaction was like, I can get satisfied. And like not quite weirdo. Doing the worst, worst impression. I can get no Michelin tie. I think it was for like HP printers.

Oh, I just hope it was for HPV. I remember there's a story of like Joe Flaherty, is that his name? From the SETV, when he was at Second City and either Toronto, Chicago, wherever he was, probably Canadian, but he would do, people would be doing a set and he would walk on stage and go ring, ring, ring, and then pick up a fake phone and go

Hello, and then go up to someone and go it's for you and then walk off stage Oh, like that was his famous thing. He'd do every night to where everyone was like I hate this guy But it's very funny. Well speaking of being mean to people that we don't deserve it. Let's do some more riddles Let's do some more riddles. Oh, oh. Oh, can you, JPC, can you fasten Michael's ropes? They're getting loose. I'm just gonna,

and then Casey would start like a big wheel crank here. Like I'm raising a castle drawbridge. Because I'm so excited. I don't want to break free. Which three letters can frighten a thief away? I see you. Aaron, that's right. Oh, he is.

Did we look at my answer? No, I just knew that. Aaron was looking to, well, that's right. Oh, he is. Are you looking at my answer? No, I just knew that. Aaron was looking to, Oh, that's good. I knew that because of the book CDB. Have you ever read that book? It's a children's book.

No. It's all written with just letters. So it's like CDB, Oh, yes. D-B-S-A-B-Z-B. Oh, yes. Oh, S-N-D. Like, it's, it's an S-N-M. The B is an S Oh, SND. Like, it's an S&M. I have tried to read it.

The BZ is an SNM. Because you're like, what the fuck is this? This sucks. That's incredible. I think I read that based on you. I think you work him into it to me. I keep telling people about that book. I can get another one.

I guess I don't understand why what is the answer to this riddle? Because the thief doesn't want to get like sick long term. I see you. Yeah, go to the intensive care unit. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody does, right? See you. I see you. Yeah. Oh, Tisk, Tisk, Tisk. I get it now. You really didn't get it? No, I didn't. Okay. He's just an asshole. Sorry. All right. I know. I'm supposed to be the dumb one. I'm like a

Labrador doll. He's the worst man. We know He's a terrible terrible man Lovely and round I shine with pale light Brown in the darkness. Oh ladies delight. Is it not me a pearl? It is a pearl I like riddles now When I get them they're good In a pearl that's like that's a claims tongue right? It's a claims clitoris. Okay, got it because the claim is the tongue

How do you answer this because a tongue is a muscle? Mm-hmm. Well no muscles the noister I'm packing my suitcase I have a big mouth and I'm also quite loud. Oh, Adel, come on. No, we don't think that's what I said about you. I think that you're a very level-headed man. Thank you. I have a big mouth and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip, but I do get involved

with everyone's dirty business. What am I? I have a big mouth and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip, but I do get involved in everyone's dirty business. Garbage can. Oh, oh yeah, that's a good one because garbage, the mouth of the garbage can, don't you read the lid? Stop.

Okay, stop. Stop everybody when they were. I didn't give it to you. I didn't give it to you. Stop. Stop. Yeah, stop. Stop, put garbage cans on the mat.

I wonder how like what people were slacking off at work to invent that show. They're like trash instruments. Todd listen it is. Tink tink tink, right? Am I crazy? Tink tink, right? It's how I was like, yes, you're crazy. But here's a million dollars.

Went back to painting his face blue. Go play off Broadway, baby. Blown man group, thank you. I have a big mouth and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip, but I do get involved have a big mouth and I'm also quite loud. I am not a gossip But I do get involved in everyone's dirty business. I think quite loud and dirty. Yes, Erin is a vacuum Yeah, oh, that's a good one. I'd like to see a scene. Okay, the three of you are household like appliances Bravell toaster and you're gossiping about the other household items.

You can decide what you are. Did you guys hear? Hey, AC unit, AC, AC. Yeah. Did you hear, did you hear about what the broom did? Oh, again. Yeah. Oh, here he comes. Oh, here comes. Hey, broom. What's up? Hey, broom. Yeah. Oh, there. Oh, here he comes. Oh, here he comes. Hey, broom. What's up?

Hey, broom. How you doing? How's it going, everyone? What's in your bristle? Yeah. We saw. Okay. We saw. Okay.

Fine. Hey, everyone knows? I guess everyone knows then, huh? Yeah. Everyone knows. Doc's shit on the rug. They tried to clean up with the broom How's it feel huh not great? Huh? How does it smell worse? Yeah, I don't know for me the feeling is probably the worst, but the smell is a close second I'll be honest. I can tell you what's gonna happen next. I just gonna throw you away Yeah, we're gonna get a new broom. Do you know how many? You away. Yeah, we're gonna get a new broom.

Do you know how many Brumes we've gone through? As a mop, I've been here for 12 years. And AC's been here for 16. 16. Do you know how many Brumes we've seen come and go? About 47.

About 47 fucking Brumes. Do you guys ever at any point with the dog shits on the rug? Say anything about like, hey, maybe don't reach for a broom. Maybe broom is the wrong tool for that? Do you know what happens if we talk?

If we get caught talking? And how do you guys think I feel? I'm the rug. Hello, look at me. Oh, actually, rug, I heard that this is actually like a thing that you were into. Yeah, and that's on your chest. I think. What? Me? The rug? You have a real us on your chest energy. No, me, the rug. No, me the rug That's on your chest energy that means she's super I'm not into it, but if you guys were to like spill on me

What oh, well something I'm I'm gonna AC unit you're full of right on yeah, I can try to get some over there Oh, it's just kind of dribbling out of him. Yeah, it looks like It looks like an older kid getting out of a pool. I'm sorry. I'm getting old. Yeah, 16 years for an ACU That's quite a long time. Maybe if you squeeze it squeeze one I'm dare you're killing you Oh, man, he's falling asleep. Oh, no. Yeah, his condenser tube is bad. So he can't stay up for more than like 20 minutes at home Sorry, your guys are just gonna have to be hot for a while

We got unplugging right I Honestly, I think it's time. I Mop do you want to do the honors? Yeah, let me just a squeegee How to disco from making fun of a broom to carry me Here's our next riddle they fill me up and you empty me almost every day. If you raise my arm, I work the opposite way. What am I? Does a bladder have an arm? I don't know enough about the body. Well, they fill me up and you empty me almost every day. If you raise my arm, I work the opposite way. What am I? Oh, an old-timey pump in the back.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you were starting to sing a musical. An old-timey pump in the back, 40. Ladies and gentlemen gather around for the bike party. It's the gas pump man. What do you say? What do you say? They fill me up and you empty me almost every day. If you raise my my arm I work in the opposite way toilet That's a good guess first toilet. Yeah, if you go inside and lift it up and all fills it at the take

Right that's how a toilet work. Yes, you raise my arm um I think I got it is it a mailbox I got it. Is it a mailbox? It's a mailbox. Oh. Here's the thing that gave me pause. I don't have, my mailbox is just like a mail slot

on the side of my house. There's no arm or anything on it. I don't think there's some mailboxes in LA anymore. I don't see any. Yeah. Cause like a mailbox on the street feels like something that, I don't know that I've ever had one of those actually. Do you think?

We did in Ohio for sure we did. Yeah. But I guess it's not nailing. That's very picturesque, but I don't think I've've ever had one of those actually. Do you think? We did in Ohio for sure we did. Yeah. But I guess not in Illinois. That's very picture-esque, but I don't think you've seen that in a long time. And I think my grandparents had one in Indiana, but every house that I've ever lived in has just had a thing on the side of the house, like a little thing they just put the mail in. Yeah. And recently, I don't know, but I always understood from growing up and having that mail experience,

that if you wanted them to take a letter, like pick it up, you would just put it like sideways and like sticking out of the mailbox, is that? That's what we do. That's what you do. Mostly, yeah, but when you did put the thing up, that was very clear. That was very clear. Like coming at this male in the mailbox.

Right. Lately, I don't know, I've never had a conversation with the person who delivers my male, but I've been putting male that I want to go out like sideways in the mailbox, and they'll just open it up and put like the new mail in a closet. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I just need to talk

to my post office delivery person and be like, hey, what, you tell me how do I, how do I do this? What's the protocol? You're going out of your way to not to say mail, man, and I love it. Well, it's, I truly don't know the gender of my post office delivery person. Yeah, but I was going out of my way to not say the old man.

I did this last December we left, I think $50 or something for our mail mail. Wow. And it was something where it's like, it was like a nice thing to do, but then we also like, never see him. So we're like, we hope he got it. But we never, like, how does he think? What do you know what day of the year you do that so that I can just stop off? Yeah, just randomly.

50 bucks. That's nice. I don't know if I told you guys, but I saw the wildest thing. I was out walking my dog in my neighborhood and there was an old woman who was on the corner and she had a cop, a to go cop. And I was walking my dog up the block

and then I was walking back and she was still out there standing. Like maybe like five or 10 minutes, but I was like, is she waiting for a car or something? But then I saw the male person come and like she, that male person gave her the male and she gave them like the hot cup of whatever she had. And I was like, this lady, I think this lady is just standing out here waiting for the male person to be like, here's your coffee Joe. I think they're in love. Oh my god. Do you think they're in love? I think, I, yeah, I must, it must be, it must be that.

I need to see that scene. They gotta get married on a Sunday. Yeah, okay, so what we will see a scene. So Michael, you will be the me. I said, yeah, let him, let him sit this one out. He tried desperately trying not to, Michael, you will be a guy. I'm gonna be the, you'll be a guy walking the dog. You'll be a guy walking his dog.

You're not part of this, but you get to see it. I'm suddenly walking my dog. Aaron, you're going to be the male delivery person and Adel, you are waiting for the male delivery person to try to like show that you are a person that could be interested in them. Yeah. Hi.

Hi, good morning. Sorry to be in the bushes here. I just wanted to catch you. Yeah. Sorry, that was a delayed fear. No, yeah, of course. I to be in the bushes here, I just wanted to catch you. Sorry, that was delayed fear. Oh, yeah, of course. I got some mail for you. I have some breakfast for you.

Oh, I would love to. I mean, I have to deliver all these letters by. I can do it. Do you want to sit on my porch and eat breakfast while I run your route? That's so sweet of you. Let me just give you some of your mail here. Your STD test result. Oh, that's

that's how you think. STD stands for South Tennessee Disp Democrats. Wink. Okay. And what was the other one you said? Lonely person. Yeah, that stands for large organs. Never entirely. It's okay. I don't judge. I don't judge people's mail you don't have to worry okay though I'm I'm I'm a lonely little herpes man what sorry I didn't hear you just then you could probably change what you just sing in a song the chain listen I have a letter do you do you dictate do you is that a Can I, can I read to you a lot of letter I want to send? Sure. From part two, your name.

Okay. Every morning, I see you out the window. Wait, hold on. I have one more letter for you. Hmm, interesting. Wonder who it's from. You are positive for her pizza. Oh shit, sorry, I had to do the wrong matter. Uh, this one. Okay.

Dear, 417-E second street. Mm-hmm. From anonymous. Yeah. Who could it be? Deliver me, baby. That's not for me. No, this is also the wrong matter. We'll never say that. That's for me. Hey, man, are the wrong letter. I'm sorry, that's for me.

Hey, man, are you going to clean up your dog's shit? Your dog's been shit on every log of this block. Oh, I'll get a broom. Using a broom to clean up shit is a very visceral image. That's a danger. I actually agree with that. I can't imagine seeing someone doing that. To wrap up the episode, I did want to introduce a new segment. And this is called, I'm coming that. To wrap up the episode, I didn't want to introduce a new segment, and this is called,

I'm coming up with this title on the spot. I think we're gonna call this a tip of that hat, a wink of the eye, a raise of the cane, goodbye. And you just came up with that? I think so. Oh. That's the name of the segment. I guess so.

Oh, great. I hope. And what it is is I'm gonna read you some old, tiny sayings, and you have to tell me what you think they mean So this is kind of a puzzle fun little puzzle So these are terms from the old-timey dictionary and you have to guess what they mean so for example sake What do we think a wet sock meant back in the old indies?

Well, you're an old wet sock if somebody gave you the old wet sock. Hey, damn you're an old wet sock, and I love you That's like an unmarried woman who's like 26. Close. He's an old wet sock. You old wet sock? Oh, man. You passed your prime. Not quite so.

So if someone were to give you a wet sock, what do we think that meant? So they would give you this. This would be something. Okay, so I know like a sock also could be like a punch. So is this like, so it is something to do with your hand. Like a warning. Like a slap. Getting closer, warmer. Is this like one of those pranks where like you dip your hand in the pond and then

you say, like, hey, nice to meet you. You get them in the brush off. Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what a wet sock was was like a loose handshake. So if someone did get a fish hand, yes, a fish hand. Like, so someone didn't fully commit to loose handshake. So if someone did get a fish hand. Yes, a fish hand. So someone didn't fully commit to the handshake. We would call that a wet sock. Okay, so yeah, we used to do that because we thought it would be very funny

to when you're going to give something a handshake of last second, like turn your hand up, like they're gonna kiss the top of your head and then just meet a handshake with a fingers handshake. That's also very fun. The most fear I've ever felt in my body is not giving people a firm handshake in church and having my mom see it.

Oh yeah. Aaron, firm handshake. My God, for the love of God, fuck it, my God, Aaron. He's just like, peace be with you. And they're always like, ow, ow, ow, ow, just like squeezing the people's hands. Another example would be a pine overcoat.

A pine overcoat. What do we think that was? Pine overcoat? Or a wooden overcoat? Oh, a pine overcoat is when you buy like an inferior wood for your deck, then you paint it like it's pine. You like stain pine on your deck. Yeah.

So a pine overcoat would be a coffin. That's what these are. Oh, he's in the old pine overcoat. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. So a pineapple coat would be a coffin. That's what these are. Oh, he's in the old pineapple coat. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. So with those in mind, we'll go through these. I won't let you sit too long because you're. Those are practice ones. She's those are the ones you have the other. Those are the easy ones. The rest of the V does it. No, they are. We so what do we think a happy cabbage was? That's that's the same, that's, uh, maybe that's smoking. And modern times we call that the popcorn trick. It's when you like,

kind of hold on the bottom of a popcorn, but obviously in the old times they used to come from diner, Mickey Rort, you know, happy cabbage. That's what Amish people do. Gamel with their watching a bar. Happy cabbage. So happy cabbage is a sizable amount of money

to be spent on self-satisfying things. Oh, yeah, cabbage. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, how about in the ketchup, what do we think in the ketchup meant? This would be like a business term, probably. Oh, that I actually think could be like if a business is in the red, they're doing well.

And then the black means they're doing poorly. So in the ketchup is like the business is going well. It means you're in red, right? Yeah, I think red's bad. Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. You're doing well. And then the black means they're doing poorly. So in the catch up is like the business is going well. It means you're ready, right? Yeah, I think red's bad. Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. You're absolutely right. It's the reverse. So in the catch up, you're exactly right. Means in the red are operating on a deficit. And I do handle the business. I know that just made me so nervous. That's pretty bad. What about club the dub? Love it. Whatever it is, I love it. That's when the cubs went, right? With the c you flood the dub that's they did that was the saying before hey, hey Love it up dub go clubs go

Uh, flood the dub means to evade one's duty. Oh, he's loved to the dub even once a can of that instead of going after what Usually if to if I would have made my duty. I just Take a picture. It'll last longer. This is one of my favorites. What do we think a butter and egg man is? A butter and egg man. The old butter and egg man.

Would that be the milk man? No. Oh, that's a good one. No, no, no. The milk man, the butter man of the egg man. Like a family man. They all split a truck. He's a butter and egg man.

That's, I like that. He'd make a stand-up husband. Yeah. Oh, that's yeah he brings home the butter and the eggs. Yeah, he'd only cheat on me twice a week I'm 26 I'm fast my prime. I can't be baking. They used to say bringing home the bacon and that's like somebody provides for the family. So the butter and egg man is like well, he's not really a provider but That's what you are for your second family. Yeah, the butter and egg. is like, well, he's not really a provider, but he's there emotionally. That's what you are for your second family. Yeah, the butter and egg man. I break up the bacon to this family, the butter and egg to this family,

this family at least he's beyond Christmas. So this is, this is made my favorite one. So butter and egg man is a wealthy, but unsophisticated small town businessman who acts like a playboy when he visits the big city. Who has a pet? What? That's our movie. That's our movie. That's our movie. I was such a long-winded. That's, yeah, because that happens all the time.

I'm a big shot, small town. I'm a big man. I'm a big man. I'm a big shot, small town. I'm a big man. I'm a big man. I'm a big shot, small town. I'm a big man.

I'm a big shot, small town. I'm a big man. I'm a big shot, small town. I'm a big man. I'm a big shot, small town. I'm a big man. I'm a big shot, small I was like, what is this life? You were there too, buddy. Yeah, but I was there to make fun of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To people.

What do we think it means to cop a mouse? Cop a mouse. Steel, probably. Steel cop if you cop something you steal it. Yeah. Close. Kiss a mouse. Excuse me?

Nothing. Would you say that? I was never here. Cop'll copy kiss like I stole a kiss yeah no but we're we're in the right area of the body hmm so copper mouse this might be something you see in like an old time it ginks to film like a peck like a kiss like a that's a peck it's a peck but not with your lips it's a punch someone in the in the face it means to get a black eye. Ah, what? To cop a mouse? Have a mouse. Hop a mouse. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Hey, that's the first one I'm going to say. Not for me. I'm not going to use it. What do we think of fly rink? Referreds to a fly rink. Michael, this might be something we would have called you

when you ordered something in bulk. Oh. You might have sported an old fly rink. A penis piercing? No. A fly rink. When I ordered it in bulk. You ordered something in bulk,

and when you put this on, we might have called it a fly rink. Oh, a bald cat. It's a bald head. What's what you call a bald cat? Oh, I was going through my list on Amazon thinking, what have I ordered in bulk lately? We have your Amazon Amazon purchase history here and might go have a few questions okay what is adult toilet paper why is there that no idea shit out there why is it coming

colors what adult toilet paper comes shipped your house in a nonreet brown pack. And she said, no one knows. This is embarrassed. What do you think this is? Wider. What? It's for adults. Yeah. It's just Wider. It's just Wider. It's for adults.

I'm not a weirdo. It's just Wider. It's just Wider. It's for adults. Yeah, I had to get special fixtures in my house installed because it doesn't fit on a standard spool. Although, I don't know during COVID, but when COVID first started,

you couldn't get toilet paper anywhere. Yeah. And I went to Amazon and I got it. It was from China. And I finally got it months later. I don't know during COVID, but when COVID first started, you couldn't get toilet paper anywhere. And I went to Amazon and I got it. It was from China and I finally got it months later. But it was these little tiny toilet paper rolls. And I thought, bless our hearts. They hardly use any. And we Americans use, or at least I do.

I just can't get enough. I'm addicted to this stuff. I was shamed. I was ashamed. I'm not to this stuff. I was shamed. It was a shamed album. I thought they're just... Anyway. I use adult toilet paper. Now I actually just use the normal one.

Because it's adult toilet paper. Winged. Winder. You're gonna be a spokesman. What do we think the sauce box was? Sauce box. Not a vagina. Licker store or a bar. Yeah, a bar is a good guess.

No, Aaron, your closest to the vagina. I'm close to the vagina. But a little more north. Sauce box. Quite a bit north, I guess. North of my vagina. Sauce box to be your mouth. Yeah, it's referring to a mouth.

Into the north. That's very north of a vagina. My goodness. What depends how you know, never mind. referring to a mouth. Into the Lord. That's very north of a vagina. My goodness. What depends how, you know, never mind. If you're doing a headstand, you just say, it's about to say if you're doing a headstand.

Summer's out. All these terms refer to the same thing. OK. Having your flag out, being sopied, follows a tick, seeing snakes, and being canned up or zazzled. Is it being in love? Air no, but close. Is it just being horny?

Closer. I'm all zazzled. The you just came. You who gentlemen, I'm all zazzled. I'm seeing snakes, see? I just did a big zazzle, cigarette. That was amazing, I'm seeing snakes. I let you look some of that, though. My apologies.

Just so you know, pre-Zazzle can still be mean right there. But now that you're sopia. You want to tissue? I have the good stuff, adults. Don't tissue. Have your flag out. Being sopiaeid follows a tick seeing snakes.

Hand up or Zazzle means drunk. Oh, yes, Zazold. Oh, I'm using all of those. I'm full of the tick. I've got Zazold's I've heard before, I guess. Yeah, Zazold right now. I think Zazold is a term like, if you've had too much fruit loops or like,

I feel like it's like for like being very full of sugar cereal. Like a real, yeah. Let's, there we go. How about the terms master John Goodfellow, Yeah, yeah. Uh, let's, what did that go? Uh, how about the terms master John Goodfellow, gentleman usher, the staff of life, superior and scepter or the maple? These are all in reference to what?

Jesus? The answer Jesus is a... It rhymes with Jesus. Jesus. It's all for... Turn for a penis. That may be... It's not.

You're joking. Read them again. Uh May, it's not your joke. It is read them again. Uh, Mr. John Goodfellow, gentlemen Usher, the staff of life, the Sapirian Scepter, and the Maple. I hate all of them. Aaron, you're going to love these then. Those are all piercings to Aaron. What about the Phoenix Nest, the Netherlands, Mount Pleasant, and Mrs. Fub's parlor?

Please be vaginas. Also, I'm starting a cocktail bar and those are all the drinks. Welcome to Mrs. Phubs Parler. Please be vagina's. Also, I'm starting a cocktail bar and those are all the drinks. Welcome to Mrs. Phubs Parler. We're down in my Mrs. Phubs Parler's down here. Oh my god. Are those all lit? Those are all lit, yeah.

Wow. That was fun. Where was Bramble Patch? Is that a term for a... No. Where was Kuskut? Oh, Billy Ray sir? This is so weird because none of my grandma's ever mentioned any of these terms and they talked about their who has a lot

Cuz I had questions I want to see one less thing. Oh, no JBC your grandma for Michael Aaron and myself and you are having like a birds and the bees talk to us But we don't understand the terminology you're using or having like a birds and the bees talk to us, but we don't understand the terminology you're using. Well, normally your parents would be here for this, but they were too weirded out, and so Grandma wanted to step in. Grandma.

Oh, hi. I hope it gets on candy. Michael, you might be a little of the young side for this conversation, but it's important that you're all here, let's get some fun. 21. Yeah,ael's 21 he's he's voices young for a oh he has the accident because of the accident he's one of the horns of well I know

that you're all going through some changes except Michael who's been through that I really should know this information and and your bodies are changing and so grandma just wanted to sit you down and talk about it. Like Erin. I know that your torchlight is probably full of wet carousine. Sorry, my what? An adult. I know that your Jimmy Hendrix is singing the stars bangled banner. What, you mean my whammy bar? I don't know of that term. But end you probably all what to smash your little piglets. You mean my Mr. McGoriams wonder? Why would we want to kill pigs?

No, no, you were to smash your little piglets into each others. Why? Check another factories. Gross. But that's not the only, I just want you to know. That's not the only way that you can explore your sexuality. Where am I? How old are you? 50's, to know, that's not the only way that you can explore your sexuality. Grandma, how old are you? 50s, 60s, evident, doesn't matter.

You can also all put your little spongy dirt meat into each other's... Arctic caves. This is about sex. Why is this so incestuous? Yeah, and Grimmie, you're just looking around the room saying things you see. No, for instance, you can put your Kaiser's ass in. It's an... Your virtual gift.

Well, Michael, thank you so much for sitting through this madness. Oh, this is so fun. I've enjoyed myself very much. Good, good, good. Is there anything we always like to ask? Is there anything upcoming that you would like to... Or in the past that you'd like to plug or promote? Well, I think I just finished called the resort.

It's going to be coming up on peacock very soon. And it's a really fun mystery about these two people go on vacation and then all sorts of strange things happen. Oh, wow. And it's gonna be, I think it's gonna be fun. It stars Nick Offerman and William Jackson Harper and Kristen Melotti and it's great.

It's really fun. It's a murder's role. Yeah, it'll be fun. Hell yeah. And I think it comes out this summer at some point on peacock you're saying? On peacock. Yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah. Are anything you want to mention? No, I just want to thank you again for coming. Oh, I have my pleasure, Aaron. You're a big comedy person in my house. Your Christopher Guest performance is you being stressed out or on edge in any sort of film is like. Well, now that you've met me. You've seen pretty much the case all the time, but that gets me. It's like, I'm just like so honored to meet you. What a dream. Yeah, I think you're

the funniest person I've ever seen be mad. Like you're you play such good list status anger. Oh, it's really, it's truly the best. You got to see it today when I was trying to park Damn I wish I'd seen that that would have been hilarious Really anger. I was just more like I'm gonna scratch my car all up everyone was laughing at him. Oh JPC anything you'd like to plug yeah, I um, oh, I actually hate that I have to read this sort of Don't want to greatly respect but here we go anyway I said I'd see my plug time to read five star reviews of the show and someone wrote a five star review,

a lordly favorite review that says, I do have something I'd like to plug, and then the review just says my butt. So I assumed that they wanted me to read that and- It's so humiliating. I guess what I actually don't have to plug my butt anymore because I started buying adult toilet paper. It's wider.

It's wider. It's wider. Right here. Right here. Addle anything that you would like to plug at the end. No. adult toilet paper. It's wider. It's wider. Addle anything that you would like to plug at the end. No. Great. Great. So just me saying the thing about my butt. Aaron, uh, printed on every sheet of adult toilet paper, it's wider. Is a picture of what? Jupiter. It's wider. By forever. Hey there, L.S.NAs. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. It's our LA live show featuring Anthony Burch from Dungeons & Daddies. You can listen to that plus our entire Bat catalog by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or the Review Crew for $8 a month. And you get it for free episodes. See you there!