Hey Riddle Riddle - #249: The Lord of Beeps

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Lord of Beeps is dead! Shall we solve his murder? Starring: Adal Rifai John Patrick Coan Erin Keif Editing by:  Casey Toney Theme by:  Arne Parrott Logo by:  Emily Kardamis & Emmaline Morris Want more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon! Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & prints Want to mail us something?  Hey Riddle Riddle  6351 W Montrose Ave #267 Chicago, IL, 60634 Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531) Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fm This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/riddle and get on your way to being your best selfSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a Headgun Podcast. Hello there and welcome to the Riddle Kingdom. The Riddle Kingdom has experienced many years of peace and good clean fun thanks to the Lord of Beeps. With his magic indilligent ear, he was able to beep every f*** and s***, said round the kingdom. Every dirty word said or thought would get gracefully caught by the Lord of Beeps. Like the guy in the control room with the Oscars, who's watching things five minutes before we do.

He was beloved in a hero to young and old. Just like the guy in the Oscars control room. May you live forever Lord of Beeps, may you live forever! Lord's and ladies of the distinguished finger f***t Tavred, please gather round for Son the greatest hero of all the land. My life here we go. Bang your mugs on the table, folks. Oh, the Lord of Beeps is a noble man keeping order from chaos throughout the land with the guiding light of his gentle hand keeps the worst of us at bay. He knows of the demons we keep therein and he purges the words that are worse than sins.

So we wrote this car's to honor purges the words that are worse than sins That we wrote this car's to honor Himble the words that we can say So we'll toast his, in the f*** church, with a f*** In a technical, sales, a f*** They're mad, and f*** their f*** In the left just now he is f*** So we'll f*** In the f*** truck's cock and slap my snatch with a hairy rock

I mean, what the f*** Where me f*** I can f*** you swear Slap my snatch with a hairy rock Fuck, I mean what the fuck? Whaa, me fuck! I can fucking swear! You're the mother of God, piss on the cross What the fuck is happening? The Lord of Beeps made his home in Riddhaven, where the castle at the center was surrounded by a quite village. Riddhaven as narrow dirt roads lined with satchelroof cottages and small fields of crops.

You can hear the sound of animals in the distance and the clucking of chickens in the yard. The village is surrounded by a wooden wall with a tall gate house that serves as its main entrance. God stand watch, keeping an eye out for any trouble. Beyond the wall, you can see the fields and forests that surround the village with smoke rising from the peasants chimneys and clouds rolling by quickly in the bright blue sky. Jeopard's wander the hills roaming after rogue sheep. We open midday at the bustling market square.

Wenders are shouting their wares and villagers are haggling over the pricer goods. The smell of fresh bread and roasted meat wafes through the air. A blacksmith embers away at a piece of metal, while children run around chasing each other. We see a knight on a horse throw a gold coin into a cup in front of a loot player. We can't make out his face at first because it feels like we are looking into the sun.

Sir Stoneheart, the cool, is a tall, broad-shouldered knight with chiseled features and piercing blue eyes. His blonde hair falls in gentle waves around his face and his armor gleams in the sunlight. He was known not only for his impressive physical strength, but also for being chivalrous, honorable, and a sucker for puns. He is also very, very cool, and he's riding a white horse, and that horse's name is Friday. Adel, you are Sir Stoneheart. Who me?

Ha ha! Away, Friday! Back away from the salute player. Friday is being pulled by Sir Stoneheart Squire, Artemis Scruff, that Stonehart affectionately just calls Scruff. Scruff has black and kept hair in a perpetually unshaven face. He looks to shebbled in his recent growth spurt, has made his clothes two sizes too small. He's a teen, so his problem with authority makes him being a squire to a powerful night very difficult at times.

He's been labeled as angsty and defiant and a little sh-t. His highest aspiration is to be taken seriously slash and or become super famous. JPC, this is you. Come on, you stupid horse. Come on! You think you're better than people just because you get to sleep in the nice bed and I gotta sleep in the barn. Come on!

Careful not to rough her up too bad. That's my girl Friday and TGIF because I was writing Thursday, I'd be closer to the ground. Scruff, what do you think of my new armor? It's completely made of mother of pearl. Catches the sun, don't you think? It's way heavier, I'll say that it's way heavier. And that's not a complaint.

Please don't write that down because it's not a complaint. I'm not complaining about the armor being heavier. It's just it is heavier. You would have said it is heavier. Well, that's to make you stronger, my boy. You are still a teenager that... The mocks of park are still upon your face, you have. Stop touching my face.

Such bad acne. You can't wipe acne off of someone's face. The oil from your fingers is making it worse. Stop. Sure, and that's coming from a night. I mean, when I take off my helm, I have blackheads galore, but I pop them in the night. We're looking into my armor. I, you know what, this is again, I'm not complaining,

but nobody likes when beautiful people give them advice on skin care, okay? That sucks, it's just, it always sucks to be there. Teeth catch to the sun, teeth catch fire. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha speak to anyone and everyone as if they're your enemy. One day you'll have to trust someone. One day you'll have to Make your own way in the world without my protection. I've killed what? 32-33 men that you've either slept with their wives or slept with their daughters or Kick their dogs or stolen from their pockets or I

Yeah, I mean, but look look first of all it was mostly pockets stealing okay I don't want to get into this thing I'm not I'm not some latario around town of you know sleeping with people's dogs or whatever that's what you said or what you said I don't know what you said no no I know the truth but we're in public so I'll maintain your image. Scruff, when will you ever use the sword I got you? Remember I got you? I had forged for you in the castle depths, belly itcher. I love it.

Belly itcher, your sword. I lost it. You lost it. This is just the help. I just glued the hilltun through this scabbered. The sword part I lost. Scruff, scruff just the help. I just glued the hilltun to this, uh, scabbered. Ah. The sword part I lost. Scruff, scruff, scruff. Here what happened?

I was cooking your dinner. And I think what I did was I put the sword down on the stove and the stove was too hot. And I think that the sword part melted away. I ate liquid sword over weeks, over weeks. The sound of a bell being swung by the town cryer in the square cut through their conversation like a knife or an old lost sword. A short man dressed in purple medieval guard stood atop a wooden platform at the center of the square.

He rang his brass bell with desperation. Excuse me, excuse me, it is with a heavy heart that I have to announce to you that the Lord of Peeps is dead. It appears she has been murdered. The Queen has implored the Kingdom to not panic and to not use any of this to say naughty things. We will reach out to you with news as it rolls in. The King of Beeps dead, there's no fucking way. Oh, he- oh, oh, oh, oh, that can't be true, that's a blast ass lie.

Where I be cock snabbled. Oh shit, oh no, oh fuck, what? Oh no, I'm come to a good... What's a little bit of a dirty dingus, don't you think? Oh no, I'm out of... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, So Stoneheart, did you hear? Did you hear the news? Just now. So Stoneheart, did you hear the news? I did.

They could be looking for new Lord of bleeps. So Stoneheart, please, would you write me a letter of recommendation? Oh, I think I could crush that job. I think I could be, I could do it so well. Oh, I don't think you're ready. You're a teenager, Scruff. I mean, he gets. Can you even, can you even believe in my thoughts?

I wish I could have blabbed the e-word that you just dropped. So, don't heart. Just because he's dead. Don't mean you got to start acting like a ruffian. Oh no, I've I've Disrespected the Gads. You're supposed to be the best of us of Stoneheart. You're like the Harvey Dent of, you know, Redhaven or whatever, wherever we live. Redhaven. Yes. Redhaven, yes. Yes, an area Harvey Dent in my arm out a scruff.

Ah, between the two of us we shall figure out this situation. I don't know if you're- Who? Who is? Oh, huh? I thought you were saying there was a person between the two of us and we're standing so close. There is a person. Oh. of us and we're standing so close There's a person Don't have pulls on armor. Oh please don't

You're stretching out my armor, please don't um You're the braveest night in all the lense who me Smiles wide teeth catch the sunlight catches on fire Me? Smiles wide, teeth catch the sunlight, catches on fire. A hawk in the sky catches on fire, we're flicking from the teeth. A hawk falls out of the sky, birds. It lands in someone's plate. Policock did, they just start eating it. Roasted hawk! Oh, goodie!

Ha ha ha! Dinner served, just another meal provided by a so stone heart. What a- Good child. What do you need of me? May the other children. We were wondering if maybe you would solve the Lord of Feeps murder, sir. Oh, you must, yes, you must, please. We won't feel safe until the murderer's apprehended, sir.

Okay, when you say other children, and we heard from those children, you took off your hat and put on a few other hats, and then talked slightly differently. Are you...? The rest of them are nervous! gestures to a bunch of kids who don't like public speaking or talking to adults. Okay. They have the ones in nervous. They had me come over here and represent the children of the town. Please, Mr. Stonehand and Mr. Scruff are great to of the town. Please, Mr. Stone, honey, Mr. Scruff, I agree to solve the murder.

Well, do you children, we all know children are the messengers of the streets. Do you children have any leads or any information that we might use to start our... Perhaps a song, perhaps a choreographed dance number that you've put together that could lead us to the right, I'm just spitballing here. No, that's great, Maybe a song of squire. That's nice. When I said song, that that that child in the back his eyes got real bright.

You there boy in the back. Yeah. Did you ever song? Do you ever song? Oh, I guess so. Well, I and then for a time we have to cut this, but it's a 12-minute song that takes place in the town center. There's lots of dance breaks, and so stone hard sings. Rough gets a big high note at the end, but we recorded all of it.

We just cut it for time. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Funny you should say that, though, to answer your previous question. You should go to talk to the town doctor, sir and Mr. Scruff. She's my mother, sir. And I think she'll know what to do. The Apothecary was the mother? E-Gad, Scruff, did you hear that? Wait, how could that be? How could the Apothecary be the mother? If you're a child? Wait, never mind. Now, hold on, never mind. Yet, you're right. It never mind now hold on never mind yet you're

right it's normal way it's normal wait didn't your father die in a cart accident yes yeah why are you bringing that up oh oh both we have similar trauma get off of me stop sorry why does everyone think it's just okay to touch my face is it something about my face? Mm-hmm. Scruff and Surstone Heart make their way to the town's doctor's office, a few streets over. The side outside of the store has the following burned into wood.

Town, doctor and apothecary. But like we sort of feel bad for even saying doctor, you know? Like there's only so much we can do in this day and age Like we'll try leeches and we'll try rubbing dirt on it But mostly we are probably just gonna be a friendly face to stand next to you while you die walkins welcomed Oh, so still hard. Let me try practicing my reading Oh, so still in the heart. Let me try practicing my reading. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. How did you? You nailed it.

The inside was dimly lit with clutter, surgical tools and books. The Lord of Beeps lay dead on the table in the center of the room. The doctor in a long navy cloak looks solemn and concerned and she leaned against the table and defeat. And now scruff, when we talk to the doctor please know, if you ask about your acne, if you ask about any issue your STDs from the dogs, she will prescribe bloodletting, so be careful, bloodletting is all she prescribes. Um, excuse me, mother doctor.

Uh, yes, can you fucking believe this? What can I do for you, gentlemen? I can answer any of your questions, obviously, if you answer my riddle first. You know the Lord, Red Haven. Yes, of course. Why did the rooster go to the doctor? Because! I like it, and so I'll give it to you, but he had the cockadoodle flu. Oh, oh, a terrible STD. The cockadoodle flu.

We just got that bird flu. Yeah, my solution to that is always bloodletting. What can I do for you? We see that the Lord of Beeps is unfortunately dead upon your table, and it looks like you're leaching him. Yeah. There's a corpse right right but I mean that's what we did it's policy you do that to anyone who comes in but starts putting leeches on the two of you. Yeah, you know what we just actually good we just had leeches. Yeah, we just okay yeah well as you can see the Lord of beeps here was stabbed in the art Okay. Yeah. Well, as you can see, the Lord of Beeps here was stabbed in the art,

but it's like no blade I've seen. If you can get to the bottom of what he was stabbed with, it might help you solve the mystery. And I'm so sorry, he was stabbed in the art. Sorry. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh- I'm from close to River where we don't say our H's that pronounce. Oh yes, you're right. Like how are you? No yes, I'm born of a more nobler position so I pronounce my H's. And I never knew my true parents but some say they're the most beautiful, prince and princess in all the land. Wait, your dad died in a car accident. I knew my adopted parents, I knew who they were, and my dad died in a car accident and my

mother is a washer woman, but my true parents, the ones that birthed me, sir. Yes, of course, and we'll solve that mystery one day, I promise you. You said it was a special sword that killed the Lord of Beeps, right? I'm not sure what it was, and the only person I know that ever hated the Lord of Beeps is the old witch in the woods, celery seed. You should go see her, and maybe quickly, because it's starting to get dark. Oh, yes, celery seed. She's a witch who likes curses. And not the kind you're thinking, scruff. A curses isn't, you know, shit fuck.

Sir! You know, damn. You're honor! He gets damn it. No, sir. Yes. No. She loves curses.

The Lord of Peoples barely even cold. Well, he's really hot. Yeah, the leeches are really warm. Can we get some of these leeches off? I think they're hot leeches. These are hot leeches. These are hot leeches. These are suture leeches.

Yes, medicine. Being a doctor, hot leeches. What's going on here? Hot leeches. These are suture leeches. Yes, medicine. Being a doctor, hot leeches. I just saw you hold your head like you have a headache doctor and then pop two leeches in your mouth with some water. I'm telling you they're a cure all. They're a cure all. It can't be right. Well, take some to go in case you need some.

Oh, yes, just put them in the bottle. Yeah, I know it'll be rude. We'll take a bottle of leeches. And so, can I get a prescription scroll just in case I'm stopped and searched? Yes. Okay, in case the castle security catches that when I go through TSA. Right. On your way.

Thank you so much. And you said celery seed was her name, correct? Mm-hmm. Yes. And just to cover payment because you know, I know we don't want to just you know leave you out here I'll go into the armor bag. Here is a blue shield and here is a blue cross So that should cover everything. Mm-hmm. We take that here. Thank goodness Wonderful. Do you want a hawk for dinner or? She closes the door behind them.

I guess not, you already had her sup. Friday Gallup quickly into the nearby woods as the sun fully set. The woods at night were an unsettling place. The occasional hoot of an hour was hunting, but a nice escape from the silence. It started to rain, but the canopy of trees were able to shield them from most of the water. They followed the light from a tiny cottage that was covered in wildlife. The door of the cottage swings open and they see an ancient looking witch.

an ancient looking witch. Her hair is literally a bird's nest and her cloak is made entirely of leaves. Come in, come in, I've been expecting you. Oh, did you do something with your hair? And you've noticed, thank you so much, that's how it happened. Let's cover an egg, beautiful, what a sheen! Yes, come in, come in, come in! Eh? You see, those combs would be beeped, but...

Ha-ha-ha-ha! The inside of the cottage was wall-to-wall shelves filled with oddities, potions, bones, small plants, crystals, and maps of the stars. The scent was thick with the smell that emanated from the cauldron in the middle of the stars. The scent was thick with the smell that emanated from the cauldron in the middle of the room. Can you fucking believe this terrible news about the Lord of Beeps then? Yes, that's why we're here. Can I ask these maps of the stars? So this is like where King Arthur lives? You'd like to give tours? Yeah, I do.

Wow, one day Scruff, one day we have to take that tour. Some people say it's an invasion of privacy, and I say they don't be favours them! I'd love to see where Gwayne the wise picks up his dry cleaning. I could show you that then! We love to, but we don't have time. We don't have time. We're here on, I mean, not officially like sanctioned the King's business, but essentially the King's business.

Yes. Like that right there will solve my riddle first then. What do you get if you close the snowman with a witch? Oh, this sounds like you have a child out there somewhere and you're looking for answers. Did you want us to help you find the child? Well, we will. Did you have a child out there somewhere and you're looking for answers. Did you want us to help? I hope you find the child, we will. Did you have a relationship with the snowman? This is part, little part, personal anecdote.

Of course, of course. That snowman which lives with it farther than... Okay, well, what do you get when you cross a snowman and a witch? So I'm guessing it's something to do with like a broom for improvement. Oh, it's frost tea he he Yeah, so Carrot no me personally. I've had many relations with snowmen Which you don't have to worry about when you're a young boy because you can just you know You could just kind of plug plug away

But when you're a witch in this magic on the mind. i mean that snowman's coming to life most of the time yes of course and i have been the harpies once lured me to love island and i know for a fact that's uh... melt as a term so the snowman could be a fucking melt which i know that's what do i read in my books here what are the lower end of the hold him for a chat spells

spells uh... you get okay and they've pulled him for a chat. Spells? Spells? You get... Okay, I'll spell. And then what does it have to be outside temperature-wise in order to make us get... A cold spell. You've got it! Alright, why are you here? We are here to get answers for the fucking Lord of Bleeps,

Domaz got stabbed, shit. So, so, so, so, shit. You're losing your honor! So, Stoneheart, please! I think in order to solve this case, we have to get into the mind of the Lord of Beeps. I fucking understand that then. You know he was cursing up a storm in his head all the time. He'll be beeping it though, of course, right?

Yes, of course. Wait, hold on. So, your theory is, we have to get into his mind, and then we just assume what's going on in his mind? Yes, that's how science works these things. Okay, no, you're right, yes, you're right. Let me guess. Someone told you that I wasn't the biggest fan of the Lord of Beeps. Yes, what was your quarrel with the Lord of Beeps? Well, some of my curses require curses. Some of my favorite spells that have never gotten to do have several swear words in them, so they were available to me. Like watch this,

I can do this now. Bucking turn them into fish! And now both of you are goldfish in this little bowl. Oh, well, he's more like a goldfish. I'm like a kind of a pale yellowfish. Did the spell not work on you? Spells not perfect! Turn them back to people! Ah! Am I a little shorter? Am I just a little shorter? What the hell? I feel like I'm 5'4 now. Not gold, dude. Goldfish, where?

Can't remember anything from the last 3 seconds. Right, then I guess it did work. So that was my issue with the Lord of Beaks. But I'd never kill him. I don't like leaving my cottage for basically anything. It's really hard to find. Yeah, you do have a little bit of a horde of vibe. There's just like lots of like what? Trash in here like just me

There's cauldron stacked on cauldron stacked on cauldron some of these These some of these cauldrons are cracked and you're not gonna fix them come on I'm gonna use them. I'm gonna fix them. No, yeah There's wild animals in here that I don't think are like ingredients I feel like they just are like cohabitants at this point Yeah, my roommate. A both-sized jar of newt eyes. What are you gonna use?

5,000 newt eyes. Those are gonna go bad. Tonight. No, come on. Celery salt, come on. Celery seeds. Celery seed. All right, well, you know,

you're broken up the wrong witch and I'll tell you where you could go. Oh, yes, please. Yes, please. Yes please. I'm pretty sure that maybe she would kill him, the lady of the pond, the two of them had a romance you see. Oh. Wow.

We just came from the Lord of Beeps corpse and I gotta say he's working with, he's working with, well let's just, he's working with, well let's just put it this way. I had a pretty big dick. What, he's wrong with you. That just came should have been beeped. What, he's wrong with you. Well, to be fair.

I have respect for the load of beeps. I do, I give respect. That's the ultimate respect. Scruff calm down, to be fair, his penis did have 30 to 40 leeches on it so we don't know what's with That's true. So we don't know what was leach weight and what was dick weight. That's true. That's true Please leave so I can use all these new eyes

You're not you're not gonna use them. We know okay. You're eating them now But as soon as we leave you're gonna spit it out We can see that's what's what I'm gonna do. Okay, let's go. I can't wait, get out of here. Let's go, let's go. Let's go, let's go, here we go, up on Friday. And maybe, maybe wait, for once it would be,

I don't know, this is funny, kind of like a joke. What if I wrote Friday, and you like, you know, walks next to Friday as a joke? No, you don't like that joke? I walk next to Friday's at night, never walks, plus my armors too heavy to walk. The minute I get off this horse and dismount, I'm useless in battle. I have to move your legs around just to get you into people's houses, it's the worst. They make their way to a magical pond in the middle of the forest.

Once they are close, it is easy to find because the pond emanates a taekoi silver glow. Okay, this must be it. This definitely seems like a magical pond. Scruff, maybe skip a stone across? Um, okay, I mean... I've never done it. I think 16 pounds Yeah, yeah, we're 16 pounds and we'll chuck it you to death the pond. Okay Okay, well, uh, we're into the armor bag. Is it okay if I get rid of some of the older armor that you've outgrown? Yes, of course unless you want it No, it's unfortunately it's still too big for me.

I wish I could grow into this armor. It'd be nice, but it may out into the pond, into the pond then. Let's see, um, this, uh, Spalter and this, uh, Paldrin and this, uh, yeah! Who dares disturb my rest? Table for two. Haha, I just got to watch this. Table for two. I scruff watch this. Table for two. Oh no.

The pond water turned into a whirlpool. A woman with long wavy hair and a crown made of moss and sapphires comes out from the center of the lake. Her iridescent white dress seems to change colors every couple seconds. How dare you? Can you fucking believe it? About the Lord of Beeps?

I'm so sad here. I know. Does the dress have a setting? I'm pre-epileptic. So it's... I can't look directly at the dress. Hold on, let's see. It's just a slower...

Yes, it's a bad repack at the back. Hold on. It's like right where it's on the reach. You should have taken your pre- the back hold on. Yes, it's like right right now. I got it. You should have taken your pre-proliptic H. Yes, now, but now it's it's all red now. It's just I'm not sure if that means that that's a change battery or something. Yeah, okay, hold on. Yeah, no, we can wait. It's great. How about I just I'm gonna be back in one second. I'm gonna change. No, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Hello, can you fucking believe it? I'm so sad about the boobs. I have the dress is okay. Yes, you knew him

intimately Well, let me Give you a riddle first before I answer your questions Give me food and I'll live but give me water and I'll die. What am I? It's a fire over watered plant. Right. Great. Okay, easy fire. What can I help you with? So how much of his How much of his dick was meat and how much of his dick was leeches? We heard tale We heard tale that the Lord of Beeps took you to Pond Town. I mean you took him to Pound

I mean we heard that you had a connection with a lot of Beeps now deceased I mean, we heard that you had a connection with a lot of peeps now deceased. Enough with your insensitive language. I've been crying so much pond water. I would never kill him. Yes, our relationship ended because I can never leave this lake. But I loved the Lord of the East. It's a pond, sweetie. Sorry, sorry. It's a pond. No, but it's like... Okay. No. Because I could never leave this pond. It's four by four.

Yes. If I can see the end of it, it's a pond. Yes, my sister is the lady of the lake, and yes, my oldest sister has the ocean. So maybe I'm not as impressive as them, but this is still pretty magic. Your feet are in the pond, and the water's up to your ankle.

Stop! It's a pond, sweetie. The love, my love just died. What are you doing? No, of course, I'm sassy. Yeah, I love him with my whole heart. Oh, speaking of art or hearts, do you know how the load of beeps was killed?

I don't, but I must admit to a moment of weakness. The day following our break up, a lowly castle guard came to see me and asked me the exact location of the Lord of Beeps. Out of spite, I showed him in the water exactly where he was. I didn't know he would kill him, and I fear I might be responsible for this. No, it's not your fault. No, no, no, you could have never showed him to scale where he is. So even if you did show up on such a tidy pond, it was, I mean, he obviously had to have... No, no, I can like, I can like really show you... what is going on?

It'd be like watching a football game on like a 20-inch TV. Like it's not, it's just that the same experience. It's hard to follow. And you had me to a moment of weakness as well. Two weeks ago, Scruff brought me some fudge from his travels, and I said, I'm not going to eat that, and then I woke up in the middle of the night, and I saw the fudge, and I said, well, I'll just have a little bite. I ate the whole fucking thing. The whole brick of fudge and I said, well, I don't just have a little bite. I, I it the whole fucking thing.

The whole brick of fudge. Hang down! She turns the water into a shimmingscreen that shows the guard sound asleep, leaning against his staff at the top of the castle. Is this, is this like a CC T creek or is this, is this accurate right now? Yes. The resolution is this, is this accurate right now? Yes. The resolution is all right. Here is there now.

This is exactly what he looks like. This is exactly what he's doing right now. Down is this blurry in person. Yeah, this sucks. Oh, what? I'm pretty sure he had something to do with this. I could be helping you solve it. Okay.

Yes, no, no, we appreciate the help. We appreciate the help. Can you rewind the water? Yes, hold on no, we appreciate the help we appreciate you. I'm sorry. Can you rewind the water? Yes, hold on Just a water I'm tapping the water with my finger is Can I enhance can I enhance the water and hands? No, it doesn't zoom in This is the most zoomed in technically my vision is from like 50 yards away This is already zoomed in you could zoom out glasses. You know that might be the problem is if you got glasses with the water be clear.

Yes. We all need glasses, let's face it here and medieval times we all need glasses. I saw a manatee the other day and I said, look, a mermaid. I use them for reading, but you know what, goodbye. The lady in the pond turned into an elaborate fountain and fell into the pond with a splash She felt so hard. Yeah, she's and I can see her just like she's just like a couple of inches below the water

She's she's laughing her back. She has what I open. She's waiting to see if we leave. Are you okay? He's still there Oh, she maybe she's hurt. She's a best if we just leave because her pride is not gonna let her seek medical attention until we go. Oh, this is embarrassing. The water is replaying that moment where she just fell. Oh, that's bad as I remember it. Oh, again, again, and she keeps playing it over and over again as they're walking away.

Well, we'll catch you on the flip side and let's scruff, let's shuffle away here. Oh, I'm embarrassing. So scruff, let's go try and find that man, but before we do, why don't we set up a little tent, you set it up, and we'll take a quick break! Okay, I mean, it's a quick break for you, it's taking me an hour to set up this tent. Come on, man. Are you even gonna want it? Can I mean it's a quick break for you. It's gonna take me an hour to set up this tent. Come on, man. Are you even gonna want it? Can I set it up? Hey, JPC, you know how I love, he looks sleep, I love that he looks mattress brand, best nights sleep of my life. I know not everyone is on board yet, so I secured award-winning sleeper, Merrill Sleep.

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I got that a lot. Hey, Adel, hey, Aaron, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. Sure, yeah, I wore the skeleton outfit just because I figured this was coming. Happy Halloween a few months early. It's not yet the... What is it? So you know how the two of you, I was like, guys, I am always so hungry for lunches and dinners and the like and you, jokers, told me, oh, JPC, it's okay, all you have to do

is take some, you know, American paper currency, tape it to your front door, close the door, and then wait until someone brings you food. Well, I kept opening the door and the money was gone. So I had to take more money to my door. I think you're thinking, didn't work at all. Oh, door cash. Door cash. Yeah, you did door cash.

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Uh, yes. Did you fill your belly and your pantry? Yes. Did you fill your backpack? I did. Okay, well then DoorDash has come again for the gold. I remember distinctively the stress of going back to school and going from store to store to get all my favorite snacks and pencils and pencil cases and all the things that I needed me and my siblings.

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You're not in trouble. I just need help. I'm, um, pranking at all. And I'm setting up a whole website to prank him. Um, can I just need some advice? This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. I'm not, I'm not mad at you. We're pranking at all.

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And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Oh, she's back, she's back. Hey, Aaron. Hey, Aaron. Can we go to grandma's house? Wait, I've been pranked. But how?

I don't know. Ha-ha-ha. So Stoneheart Scruff and Friday made it to the Castle walls, right as the night turned from pitch black to light blue. The Castle walls were intimidating and made of stone with ivy creeping up the side. A thick moat stood between Friday and the impenetrable walls. Purple and red flags on spires cracked in the side. A thick moat stood between Friday and the impenetrable walls. Purple and red flags on spires cracked in the wind. As they came upon the castle, a rooster and red haven woke up and screamed into the sky, and the sun responded by peeking over the horizon. On top of the wall, they see the guard from the pond. Much less blurry this time. The sleepy god has spotty facial hair and his helmet is simultaneously too big and too small for his head.

Well, did we just stay up all night together? I think we pulled an all-nighter. Also, did that rooster that just crowed have the cockadoodle flew? I hope not. I can be disa- oh, I see what you do, yes. I get it? Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Oi, who goes there? Oh, it is I What so I'm a I'm a synounce you. I must I guess yes. I'll get the trumpet get the trumpet out the trumpet

louder please Oh, I dropped it May I announce his honor his virtue his eternal vigil Sir stone heart the cool and i of course i'm scruffed scruffed scryer scruffed this might accomplishments uh... yes

he clogged a toilet at the royal apple b's that everyone in the restaurant said was unfixable vinau we had to go hunt down a dragon to pay to get enough money to go back to the Applebees and pay for the toilet, but when we got back the whole place had been condemned. So they had to hand down the whole thing. So we had to go hunt another dragon in order to build back the Applebees, to pay for, to finance, build finance building it back. By the time we got the whole thing built up again, this guy goes right into that same bathroom.

Mm-hmm. Clogs and a gidd. Ah-ha! Basically, basically, eight dragons we had to kill that weekend. Eight dragons that weekend. And he did it all himself. Maybe you've heard the song?

There's a song making the rounds that tells that exact story, but it... If you haven't, I can give you the bridge version. Pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup p He ruined the Applebee's bathroom. Eight times, we could. Eight times, we could. I just needed a first and last name then. I don't know his first name. I don't fucking believe this. The Lord of Beeps is dead and there's chaos in the kingdom. No, that's why we're here.

What is your name, Patchface Man? I was never giving a name. Oh. Would you like us to give you a name? Well, let me give you a riddle first, and then after I give you the riddle, then maybe you two can give me a name. Okay. I am Lord, just a castle. Get lighter than air. A hundred men and air horses can't move me

What am I a bouncy castle? No, but you're trying to pick one of those things up. It just it is impossible there will be I Am Lord Jesus castle get lighter than air a hundred men in their horses can't move me what am I? 100 men and their horses can't move me. What am I? Just a castle like is it a cloud? No, what am I standing on right now? It looks like a pile of horses shit. Sorry about that. No, it's a block of ice because I'm rather short, but it's I'm standing on the castle

Okay standing on the castle. Oh, it's the shadow of a castle. You got it then. Now what's my new name? Castle Shadow. Oh, I was going to say Shadow of the Hedgehog. I assume maybe the lady in the pond ratted on me. Yes, unfortunately, yes. We saw the footage and it's incriminating. It won't hold up. It won't hold up at the tribunal because it's so blurry. But for our purposes, yes. It was you.

It literally won't hold water. Well, everything she told you is true, but I didn't earn him. I went to go find him so I could ask him for a favor. You say I wanted to quit my job, and I wanted to say, fuck you to my boss on the day I quit. So I asked him to make an exception just the one time. So I could have the impact I wanted it to have, but he said no exceptions.

He would never, yes. He was true to his commitments. He was a nice guy, and could have the impact. I wanted it to have, but he said no exceptions. He would never, yes. He was true to his commitments. He was a nice guy and I don't know the grudge. Old castle shadow, that's my name. Yes, you were too well. Can I ask, what was the state of mind when you asked him this favor? Did it seem like he was on the run?

Did it seem like he was suspicious or concerned at all? He seemed a little paranoid, but mostly he seemed horny. He just gone through a breakup and he was just torn out about it and he wanted to have sex, I think. He was horny. He had to be pretty horny to mention it to a stranger who comes to you at work asking for a favor. It was one of the first things he said.

It had to be pretty horny to pull the wool over my eyes. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but the rumbles I've heard around the castle are all about the court jester. Huh. He aided the old lord of Beepsy, did? He did.

He just arrived to work today. I'll let you in the wall so you can talk to him then. Uh, let us in the wall. We'll just take the door. Yeah. Oh, sure. No the wall. We'll just take the door. Oh, sure. No, thank you so much, though. Yeah, it's all good.

It breaks back. Yeah, put the chisel down. You don't need to take any walls apart or anything. We'll just the door is fine. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, and then kill the dragon. No, catchy's on, eh? The drawbridge lowered with a thud and they walked in the castle.

Long red and purple tapestries lined the walls of the very cold and stoic great hall. Candles at the halls but not well. They followed the sound of a gesture warming up. Buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk buk Oh, you have the hardest features I've ever seen on a face. I'm warming up for the day. You're in my space. Ha ha! What are you six, seven? Yeah! She's, she's, cousin Greg looking motherfucker.

What? Me? Nevertheless! What can I do? So we, well, we want some questions answered, but of course, that, that, that, that, riddle, solve. Yes, ah, he haphaa! Lives in winter, dies in summer,

and grows with its roots upward. What is it? Lives in summer. Lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its roots upward. What is it? Yes, this would be like an icicle or something. Ah, you've got it! Poke, poke, poke in the stomach. Ow, ow, ow, ow. With icicles. Ah, yes!

Poke me in my butt hole. My eyes are red. The white part. The white part's red of my eyes. And the pupil. Can I help? Hello. Hello. We've been up all night, but you look like you've been up for days. I have, I have, I have. You have some powder on your nose? Oh yes, would you like some? No, no.

It looks like you're mostly in your nose. I don't ski, I don't ski, but thank you. Enjoy the slopes. Listen, court jester, do you have a name by chance? Just the court jester, you see. CJ, Court Chester, do you have a name by chance? Hmm, just the Court Chester, you see. CJ, can we call you CJ? Ooh, sure. CJ, would that be okay?

But my family calls me terrifying, red eyes. Don't enter the door if you come to the door. No, I wouldn't enter the door as well. No, that's a doll. Ah, Court Chester, we heard that you... Scruff, what did we hear? Something about the gesture? I'm so proud of you.

Well, we heard that you hated the Lord of Beeps and we're investigating his murder. Some sort of snitch, I guess. Well, I didn't love the Lord of Beeps, but I didn't stab him over it or anything. I whine about him sometimes, because he was really holding my act back. I thought if I could swear in my act act he would really take it to the next level, then I could

tour it around the kingdom. Ha ha! It is a terrible coincidence but I feel free to let loose while I'm performing now. Uh, no offense but I've, I've seen your set. I don't necessarily know what swears would do for what your comedy like is it like what's with this fucking airplane food? Yes, haha Okay, I'm gonna fucking read and your fucking family won't let you through the door because you're a nice isn't that shit? I'm mostly I'm mostly seeing you do rabble work where you're like is anyone here from fucking red haven?

And everyone's like all of us that's an important school I guess Talking to the rabble sometimes making fun of one of the rabble even though they're just sitting there trying to have a nice night out And then you start to pick on them Still hot. Yes, I heard that CJ did a drop in at the chuckle hut did 45 minutes. No jokes. Oh, not a lot of good comics get bumped that night. That is awful. I mean, I've seen him before where he'll like just your towards some guy and be like, this guy has the plague. Am I right? Yes, but sometimes I do prolific storytelling. and that's what the 45 minutes was long for him story everyone loved it

I mean two packs of cigarettes. Is it more click two packs of cigarettes? I think he talks a lot about his divorce I'm not sure if that's long-term Oh, you mean my freedom Yeah, it's just a bit you're still wearing the ring that's sad You wear a bunch of gold right around your wrist and your ankles. Ah, I never did the dishes. I never helped at home. I never did anything.

I wouldn't let her be alone. And then she left me. Why? Why? We already had some one redlobe. Probably not going to do another one. Yes. All right.

You know, do you know who would have wanted the Lord of Beeps dead? Aha! Do! The Lord of Beeps has hated most. Yes, it's hilarious, but the Queen herself. Oh, she's just writing it down. He's going to use that in his act. You just got her in the dark. This is like a men's seat. This is like a Carlos Men's seat.

Oh, you know. That's so funny. That's so funny. I wrote that. Everyone remembers it. Ha-ha! Well, the Queen herself hates Lord of Beeps most of all. She didn't like how popular and powerful he was, like the guy in the Oscar control room. You should go see her in the her throne room.

Her day starts now, ha-ha, good luck! Okay. Oh, so so hot, are you sure that you want to go in to see the queen? I mean, I know that you had a dalliance with the queen and you're younger days, and I don't know if that was, you know, before she was a queen. That was just when she was... Yes, when she was a princess.

A queen. She was a prequins. What's that? ...prequins can still get pregnant, which... That's true. Actually, she did get pregnant, which is true. As you learned, actually, she did get pregnant. And that child was sent away, sent away to a cart driver, two kingdoms over that cart driver.

We don't have time to think about it now. Oh, yes, of course, I think about it now. Of course not, of course not. But are you going to be okay? Is the history still? There is history still. We correspond through letters talking about our son who's somewhere out there who, I guess, is squiring for some night due to the rumors, but who knows?

I mean, lucky that you're teaching me to read one day, I'd hope to read some letters such as these. Yes, of course, I'll show you. Can I just say, you look so much like me anyway, let's go into the Queen's chambers, knock, knock, knock. You look so much like me anyway, let's go into the Queen's chambers, not not not! The throne room is decadent and all the windows are a colorful stained glass. It is much brighter than the rest of the castle. Purple carpet leads up to the Queen. The Queen has long red hair and a red dress that was mostly sleeves.

Her golden crown looked like it was made of question marks and thorns. Way, hello. Can you fucking believe that the Lord of Beeps is dead? Unfucking believable. Hey Kelsey, good to see you. Hey, it says, don't heart. I heard about your recent experience at the Olive Garden. It was an Applebee's.

Listen to the song again. I sent you a single, a single loot player to play it for you. Yeah, sounded a little embarrassing, I don't know why you'd want an X to hear that story about you, not solving any crimes or saying any real dragons lately, huh? I'm sorry, they said that toilet was unclogable. And who clogged it? And any press is a good press bad press it's all press I mean just to get people talking still so much name is out there it's all good news for us.

Yes I tell that to the the kind of dungeon who who's the kind of the dungeon that dolls out all the pain what's that guy's name? The torture? The torture I tell that to the torture anytime he puts like 500 pounds on a prisoner. I say any press is good press and that makes him laugh sometime. Yeah, that makes him laugh for that brother that president is dead 500 pounds that's too much. That's crushing weight. That's that is crushing Speaking of crushing weight

Please don't Speaking of crushing weight at no- Is it too hard? Please don't. I-I don't know she's your ex, I don't know she's your ex, but you have to take the high notes. So still not. Is it nific- Is it nific crushing weight on all of our hearts that's- Oh, the god. The Lord of Pemips is dead, Kelsey?

Uh, well, uh, sorry, that was an absolute train wreck before me. The two of you talking like this, uh, you have to answer my riddle first. Oh, that was right, yes, of course. App-spick-scruff. Yes. Her riddles, she would tell me riddles, like, you know, in bed and stuff. The answer is almost always air. Hmm, I'll go ahead, Kelsey. And the acoustics aren't good in here, but let me...

Sorry, I'm just finding my backup riddle for no reason at all. Oh, God, oh your family, Kelsey. They miss you. They miss you. None of my other boyfriend have made them laugh the way you do. Come on. Stay strong. Stay strong. A king, a queen, and two twins all in a room. How are there no adults in the room? Eh, eh? There's no air? H-E-I-R?

I am this close to having my guard seize you and send you down to the torture room. Don't forget you let your guard down. Remember you didn't show up to his birthday party? We were at a wedding for one of your friends. That's so manipulative. I-I missed his party for something that will matter to you. Still you let your guard down and that's why there's been so many assassination attempts on your life. Kelsey that's why I couldn't stay with you. I

couldn't keep beheading men racing into the room to try and stab you in the sleep. I miss you. The sleep. The answer's a mattress. Yes they're all beds. Are the air mattresses though? Come on, does the air mattresses? You know they are. A G I R mattresses. My queen, you know they are. They are, but that is besides the point. The cards right there, I'm reading it, it says, ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee Samudathra, scamudathra. Oh, mattresses.

Oh, mattresses. Nice. You remind me of someone's graph. Is it me? No. No, I think it's me. It looks just like me. Anyways.

I say, say, I'm a natural mimic. I kind of take on the qualities of those who are around me. So that's probably what you're reading into it. Hmm. I assume you're here about the Lord of beeps. Yes. Yes we are, Kelsey. Well, I didn't put you on any official royal business to solve this case. No, but I am on a no-fly list. Thanks to you. Can't mount a single dragon anymore. Mm-hmm. And no flies, though,

are allowed to bother you if you die. They can't stay near you, or if you smell really bad. Which can I just say was great when I clogged the toilet at Applebees? Not a single fly around, it was heaven. Yes, the Lord of Beeps was very popular and had his own song by Arnie Parrot, very impressive, very impressive, but I'm not intimidated by his power. And I liked the beep sometimes. They help with comedic delivery. A beep is usually funnier than a swear. What do you think? Give us an example, Kelsey. Like, if someone like goes, oh fuck you after a character that's

been talking for a while, it's funnier to have it be like, oh beep you. You know, it's just funnier. It's rhythmically, I don't know. You're right, yeah, you're right. There is something in the timing and in the, yes, you're right. I agree something in the timing and then, yes, you're right. I agree. I only know one comedian is the gesture. So I feel like I don't have a great idea. Then you know zero comedians. You don't know Dave Chappell.

I don't. You know the priest. Yes, he's a priest. He plays in small rooms, very holy, very holy within the house. Very wrong about some things. Yes, that's true. Yeah. in small rooms, very holy, very holy of a thin thou, yes. Very wrong about some things. Yes, a lot of people say he fell off big time for the last 10 years, maybe 20.

Yeah, say fuck that guy. Yeah, what I, see that's the thing. You could say like, you could use the bleeps in a way to say like, that guy bleeping bleeps. And then you don't have to even think about what you want to say, because you know it's going to be covered by a bleep. Yes, there's also Bill Kerr, the bald dog, who I don't know, he's...

He can't hear me. Some funny, it's right. Yes. Amy Schumiger. Yes. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Who else who?

Anthony Leatherneck. Uh. Ha ha ha. Allie way long Yes, there's a Todd cherry the orchard master who's just very drooling dry Yes, it looks like Casey has said Dane cook Really want to sit in that one, huh, Casey? Dan Cook, the great, the great, Dan Cook.

There's Richard Squire. All right, I'm gonna try to buy you. I'm gonna try to buy you. I'm gonna try to buy you. Casey is my, Casey is my fairy. Who I usually keep, locked away in this little jar. I pulled the jar.

Shake the jar. What have you concluded? You've been galloping around this entire kingdom all day, trying to figure out who killed the Lord of Beeps. Well, how was he murdered? Nobody knows who murdered him. Have you figured it out? No, probably not. I miss you so much. I miss, Kelsey, I missed you so much. I dream of United Day. I changed my entire armor to Mother of Pearl to honor you because I know Mother of Pearl is your favorite. Aww, are you still killing birds out of the sky with your teeth? Yes, absolutely.

Yes. Anyways, anyways, the murder. It has been solved. The murder, the murder. No, I mean, we've hit my queen. We've hit quite a wall. Because we tried, because the person outside said, come through the walls and we said that we take the door

Why don't you walk through all of the Suspects and all of their motives and then maybe you can suss it out from there Well, not all of them could afford motives. Yes, and castles have motives of course with alligators of crocodiles So we saw the rich and priory. I'm done. I said Richard Squire Okay, it could be two. Yes, sure Let's see so we saw the doctor Who wanted to give us leeches, but we said no, thank you. We said no the chloros leech man Chloros leech man a mint of that. Yes Forrest Leachman. Amen to that, yes. It's a woman in the eye. Let's see. We saw the lady of the pond.

Well, before that, we saw the witch of the wood. Yes, it was the wood celery seed, lady of the pond. What was her motive? Which one? Celery seed. Celery seed wanted to use curses in her curses. Cool, clever. Lady of the pond. What did you say?

Lave the pond was, I guess, a scorned lover. I think they'd recently broken up. When who was named? We shadow castle castle shadow, who was a guard on a block of ice. Good really get it. Good gauge on him. He's a real let ball. He tried to open up a wall just a just a wild character. And then who else? Fairy sign felled. Fairy sign felled. Yes, I guess that's work. Fairy sign felled.

It's yes, sure. Sorry, what, Kelsey, what did you say? Solve the murder. what did you say? Solve the murder. Um, okay. I mean, honestly, if I had, you know, spear to my heart, I would say the court gesture. I think CJ, I mean, I think he's killed before. I think he's killing right now. I think he'll kill again. All right. Well, let's, let's think about it then, but wasn't the Lord of Beeps stabbed by something that you couldn't... There had no idea what it could have possibly been. There was no weapon found around the body. Yes, that's right.

It could have been CJ's face. That guy's face is falling. It could have been angles. It could have been a melted sword. You know, some stabs it with a sword melted. I just... Wait, it could have... A little...

A little... A little... A little... A little... A little... Oh, it's a little bit too much, huh? You too? I'm gonna take my icicle sword out of my pocket. I know you sickle sword Yes, I did it. I did it. I did it. Ah, oh You're such about it hilarious. Let me write it down. What no don't write it down Rose and Baron Lewis blacksmith Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, any wizard any wizard. Oh, that's the best one Well, did we say David troll did we see David troll yet? Kill you next if you don't fight you that just works

I'll kill you next if you don't fight me. Michelle Wolf, that just works. That's it. Yeah, that just works. I'll kill you next. I'll kill you now. And I'm running at you with an icicle. Um, alligator Wong. Uh, fool. Oh, you've been stabbed.

Oh, no. My mother of Pearl saved me. Quick, quick. Scruff, make me smile. Um, I love you. Ah, Dad. My son. Smile, big, light catches the, through the window, my teeth, the light bounces off my teeth and hits CJ right in the eye.

Oh, I'm dead, but! He's writing that down. I'm writing that down. I'm right there there. There. There. We'll do the two of you and you've found out about that you are our son and I'm very proud of that scruff. But uh- Colin Joust? What we really need I think is the Lord of Beeps back so this can end. Yeah alright I'm coming in I'm coming I'm celibacy and bringing the body then here.

Oh celibacy. Yes and I'm going to bring back the Lord of Beeps to life so we can have our... You're going to resurrect him? Yes ready? Fucking Lord of Beeps is up and I'm gonna fill this cup and he's getting enough lingering and he is the best of it. I will not give him shit. You betty. Let this goes on for 20 minutes. EBSH!

BAH! Oh, he just said the Lord of Beeps! He's life, he's life, he's life, He's alive. He's alive. Look at that dick Wow, it wasn't just a leech blood. I'm fucking no Sorry, I it seems I'm a bit out of fucking sink It might take a while to catch up. No, Lord of Beeps, it's okay, take your time. These beeps are not matching up with the sweat. Okay, let's me try and shit.

No, it's not quite there. It's not quite there. Okay, I mean, they're overlapping, which is good, but I think you just have to make the beep louder perhaps, or talk softer. Gets. No, no. Wow.

Not yet. No, you Wow Not yet? No, you'd quite No, I think that was a test Is that, is it midnight? That might have been a test Gentlemen, thank you so for bringing me back to life You're welcome To help us as repayment for bringing you back to life

Can you think of any, either like big stand-ups that we're missing? Yeah Well, this is indeed why I truly upset the gestures Can you think of any... You have like big stand-ups that we're missing? Yeah. Uh, well... This is indeed why I truly upset the gestures. I told him, my favorite comedian was Justice Seinfeld. And, uh... He was like, you know, that's a bit of a stretch, should I say? Oh, yeah. Oh, he's done that already.

I said, there'll be a- I have a good one. Pete... Son of David. Pete Davidson. No, we got it. No, we got it. I really want to say that wasn't good That was fucking good. Goodbye. Goodbye. Fuck you Colin Jowls should have got a bigger fuck It's a load of beeps is alive. That's it. We're taking you from there. You back

Oh, you stupid. Oh, good bye Scruff get us two half of these That's it, we're taking you from there. You're back. You're back! Ah! Fuck you! You better goodbye! Scruff! Get us two napalbees! Oh, the Lord of Beeps is a noble man keeping order from chaos throughout the land with the guiding light of his gentle hand keeps the worst of us at bay. He knows of the demons we keep therein and he purges the words that are worse than sins And we wrote this car's to honor him All the words that we can say So we'll toast his, with a, with a, with a, with a, an attend school So they're mad and, they're, in the left just now he is

So we'll fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck And slap my snatch with a hairy rock Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,. And I was like, literally, not even anything that's out with the game. In the episode of Zach Gallifinapkin. Uh. Hey there, Markson Rex. If you like that, you're gonna love this week Patreon.

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