Hey Riddle Riddle - #297: There's No Rules That Say a Dog Can't Not Do Riddles

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

All 4 hosts are back again and to celebrate, one of us is refusing to answer riddles in this episode! Place your bets on who!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifGuest Starring:Janet VarneyEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 50, 51, 52, 53, 53, 54, 55, 55, 55, 56, 56, 57, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, making the time. This is gonna be fun, yeah, yeah. So I got a new TV here. It's a pretty wide TV for some reason. And I got in the mail, somebody sent me a DVD copy, DVDs, right, of Pirates of Penzance. Let me just pop this in the TV here and see. Okay. You a big fan of Pirates of Penzance? Kind of a misleading invite, I would say.

But you know, yeah, I mean, what I'm happy to be out of the house for just a minute. This is, did you really want to do Taekwondo? My social time is so rare. I'm just thinking about all the options that I had and how I pretty much get like one night out a month and how this was. Nope, doors locked from the inside.

You can't get out that way. That's how all of my doors are at home. So everyone keeps talking about doors locking from the inside, you can't get out that way. That's how all of my doors are at home, so everyone keeps talking about doors locking from some other way. Of course, you lock them from the inside, so you stay in home safe. Oh yeah, sorry, you can get out that way, sorry. Well, wait, someone's coming on TV here.

It's two women staring at me. Okay, if you are watching this DVD, you are watching Aaron and Janet! Do Pirates of Penzance to the best of their memory. I hope that this is exactly what you wanted to be doing tonight. I'm sure it is. There's a camera. I think this is Criterion Collection and Criterion Collection always starts with an apology from the artist. We open on a theater with a red curtain.

There are no people sitting in the seats, but we're meant to feel like we're about to watch the stage production of Pirates of Penzance. It's very meta. And then there's dogs outside waiting outside, and then a woman hits her kid. And the dogs are waiting for the people in church. And then from-

JPC, let me fast forward to some of the music here. I swear there's a song in here somewhere. Let's stop here. With cat-like tread, upon the prey we steal, in silence tread, a cautious way we feel. No sound at all, we never speak a word, a fly's footfall could be just here. Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn figured out a way to keep you from being able to do that through the magic of DVDs. DVDs overriding it. That's how TVs work.

All TVs can do this. We lock the DVD from the inside. And you know, even if you cut the power, we can still sing. Janet, Erin, you can come out of that cardboard box though. Oh, man. Oh my, oh. All my cuffs got snagged on the cardboard. For her night out, karaoke.

And for my night out, I am at work. Huh, huh. Work? You come with your three favorite people? Come on, JPC, come on. What else could you need? You got your three favorite people, you got pirates,

you got constables, you got maidens, you got major general. And I set up a table over here so you could do my taxes for me, JPC. Kind of a gift. I hadn't quit drinking and doing drugs like 14 years ago because this would be the perfect opportunity to get blitzed out of my fucking mind. Aww, okay I get that.

Big regret. You can still sing. You want your karaoke, you can sing. We'll definitely get you drunk on music. 2012 JPC and shake him hard and say, you need this, you'll on music. 2012 JPC and shake him hard. It's a you need this, you'll need this. This is the saddest opening of all time. Don't give this up.

And you know, we can pivot to Riddles JPC if that'll make you feel a little bit better. Actually, Aaron, that is a great question because I had a thought before we recorded today and I said, you know what? I'm not gonna do any riddles today. What? I'm just not gonna do any, yeah.

Can you do that? Is that, let me check the rules here. There's no rules that said a dog can't not do riddles. I think it's my math. We need to write better rules. My math is Janet is here again, for God knows why. I get it, whatever's going on in your life that you need this, I apologize, because it's terrible, but you're back again.

So there's a little pressure off me to do riddles, and I thought maybe I'll just do a whole episode where I just don't do any riddles. Okay, let's try it. That's not fun. An experiment. That looks like what? Is this it right now, are we in it right now?

I'll still be here, I'll still be doing my classic joke sniping from up top. I'm gonna throw in my little barbs and my zigs and my zags. Talk about my sobriety journey, talk about how I don't get many nights out because I'm a parrot now. I'll do all of the fun stuff that everybody knows me for.

Just no riddles. Just no riddles, okay. Just no riddles. Well, I mean, we'll still be doing the riddles. You're just gonna be kind of hitting us with your sniper zings about how bad our guesses are. So basically a regular episode. Exactly.

Wait, fuck. So you're gonna be like Wallace and Gromit, the two old men in the balcony who just criticized them up. Wallace and Gromit. You know, the old guy and the dog. Yep. I would actually be careful about calling those guys

old Addle because we are rapidly getting to the point where those are just guys. Yeah, we are rapidly getting to the point, like those puppets where your nose and your chin somehow touch at some point. That's what aging is. GBC, can I make a prediction for what happens this episode?

I bet when Addle's reading his little riddles and he's saying his riddles, what if you know the answer and you've already committed to not doing the riddles and then you have to sort of sit in agony like our listeners do, you become the listener who wants to scream at us and say that they know the answer. What is going to happen then? How dare you accuse me of being a listener? If there is one thing I refuse to do, it is listen. Or be qualified as someone who listens.

A disgrace. What's a qualification process like nowadays? I can't remember how officious it's gotten to get qualified as a listener. What'd you say? Scene. to get qualified as a listener. Fuck it, it's fucking. What'd you say?

Scene. I have a friend staying with me and I was sitting and eating breakfast next to her and she said, well, you're recording here with a riddle today? And I said, yes, and she went, I know I asked you this a few years ago, but have you not run out of riddles yet?

She said super gently. A few years ago. Did she have her hand on your shoulder? Yes. And was she looking deeply and soulfully into your eyes? Yeah, she was like, oh, is there an excuse we can give you so you don't have to go in there, you poor thing?

More riddles, how? And I said, well, we have people who submit them who are really smart, but we don't, I said three times a year we get a riddle that feels like it actually feels new. Okay. I was wondering if you thought I had the right number on that.

I don't know, I mean, I feel like it must happen a little more often than that, but I would say like, if you're doing prices right rules, I'd say three times a year, you're gonna win every time with that, yeah. Yeah, that sounds close enough. Close enough. Can I, can we just, I would love to quickly ask,

and I just wanna get this out of the way, or it's gonna haunt me for the rest of the episode. Erin, you've had someone staying with you, but you came over to my house last night, and you didn't bring that person? Yes, she had other plans. Oh, okay, good, all right. Seeing some other LA friends.

It would have been amazing if you were like, I'm sorry, you don't get to come watch the Pirates of Penzance. Figure it out. This is a very haughty, haughty, toy-dy experience that I'm not gonna have with you. Find your own dinner, find your own fun,

I have plans. Oh, and by the way, I did go over to Janet's house last night, 10 out of 10 perfect, whimsical house, loved it. And we did watch Pirates of the Penitents, and we both cried. Whimsical house, so like the doormat has a spring underneath it?

I was like, my first guess when you said that Aaron was the adult was gonna say, ooh cool, so you enter through like a slide? Like that's what a whimsical house means to me. Yeah. Well a house where you enter through a slide would be fucking impossible to leave. You're like, this was such a short sighted plan. Have you never crawled up the wrong way on a slide

as a kid, JPC? That's one of the joys of feeling. You feel like a superhero when you figure out that you might be able to like pull your own body weight back up a kid's slide. It's gotta be easier to bring home groceries down a slide than take the groceries up a slide. Groceries. Again, why am I bringing groceries out of the house? The only way I need to load them in is, yeah. But you have to climb up a slide? You're throwing boxes of LaCroix up a slide?

Just something for the best? No, you slide into your house, and then to leave your house, you climb out. But who cares? You've already eaten your groceries. This is confusing for everyone because you're assuming that I mean going to a grocery store buying groceries And taking them to your house not breaking into a house taking the groceries out of someone's fridge I assume normal people get groceries with the that's why I had the slide installed. I'm tired of people stealing my groceries Literally the only reason I install the house with a slide door.

Well, let's get into some riddles here. And here's the thing. I don't know if we've done these or not. I have to assume we haven't, but good chance we have. These are some hinkpinks. Janet, have you been on before when we done some hinkpinks? Well, I have not been on before when we've done some hinkpinks? Well, I have not been on before when we've done them, but I have heard as a listener and fan.

I qualify as a listener. So I feel like I have a sense of a hinkpink. In fact, I think hinkpinks happened very recently on an episode that aired in my time frame. I don't know when this comes out, but in my world, in the world I live in, I just listen to some Hank Pink's. And you're from birth B. Yeah, and also, and also Erin has been replaced

by a hundred year old Victorian girl. Oh, you're on the right timeline. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Oh, I mean, that didn't happen. I'm very much still Erin. Bingo, bingo, ha, ha, ha. Same old Erin.

Oh, I like candles. Also, JPC, quick reminder, you cannot participate in these riddles. God, this sucks. No, I didn't say that. Aaron from Earthsea said that. You know, I think that's just what JPC's inner monologue sounds like.

Weirdly, his inner monologue sounds like your voice. Sucks to be you, man. No, my inner monologue sounds like, oink, oink, oink. That's the only thing going on in my inner monologue. We all Sucks to be you, man. Yeah. No, my inner monologue sounds like, oink, oink, oink. That's the only thing going on in my inner monologue. We all know this to be true. Hold on, I didn't say oink, oink, oink. Casey did that.

Casey, we're leaving the pig business behind us, okay? Oh God, I forgot the last time. And we're not apologizing for it either. We're just leaving it behind us. Okay, so let's- Guys, I had to throw up. I had to throw up after that episode. Is everyone happy?

I had to throw up. Got to. Got to. I got to throw up after that episode. Because a pig's sexual happiness makes you feel uncomfortable, and I'm sorry, Erin. We escaped that episode.

I'm sorry. It's a different day. It's a different day. I've showered several times since then. How will we be back? And Erin, isn't your brother-in-law Mitch a pig? Yes. Actually.

Yes. Oh God, okay. Just read the hinkpinks, let's go. Come on, let's go, go, go, go. We're leaving the oink oink oinks behind us. We're moving on to hinkpinks. These are gonna be two word clues, and then the answer are gonna be another,

a different two words that rhyme that answer the question of the first two words So for example If I were to say a pig squeal At all you really want to do this oink oink oink I can hear the smile in your voice It has to be a rhyming answer pig squeal. It's oink boink Don't you like they boinked the two of them boinked that's like a pig Saturday night is oink boink You think pigs go boink boink boink

I'm saying that if you're oinking and you're boinking someone then you're gonna squeal Okay, hold on. This is the greatest answer ever My headphones just exploded crawls up from slide leaves never goes back to home or computer I think I agree with Janet in that eight look, a squeal, a boink is not a squeal, but boinking can lead to squealing. I guess that's where I was going with it. This is the riddle equivalent of backseat driving. If you want to drive, if you want to do the riddle, do the riddle.

JPC. If JPC wants to back up my answers, I guess I'm okay with that. I'm specifically not doing the riddle. JPC. If JPC wants to back up my answers, I guess I'm okay with that. I'm specifically not doing the riddle. I'm just thinking about boinking and squealing, which is my remit. I do have that. That is something I could still do. Hey, no one can stop me from thinking about boinking and squealing. It's hot and fresh up the wheel. We don't want to do Pig Kelly. What was the clue again? Pig squeal. Pig squeal. And it has to be rhyming. Is it oink? It's not oink. Because the squeal isn't it oink? It's not oink.

Because a squeal isn't an oink. This one's a little tough. So you have to think of different words for a pig maybe to start with, and that will lead you to the correct answer. Boar. Snore. So. If you go to the restaurant and the waiter puts something down in front of you and says, this is a little tough, you're allowed to send it back.

I simply don't understand why the different rules should apply to a different industry. I think that this should be, you should fully be within your power to send this back to the kitchen. Well, that GPC, that's why I slap you like I slap waiters. I like the idea that it feels like the waiter had, the waiter had to sample what you got

to tell you that it's tough. I had a bite of this and I need to let you know it is a little tough. A little, lot of gristle. It's like how Trader Joe's employees, as they're bagging your groceries, they always take a little bite and if some things go, oh my God, these are strawberries.

These are divine, you're gonna love these strawberries. These go so well with our pesto. Yeah, I bet, dude. Pig, squeal, sow, boar, bovine, no, that's a cow. Close, bovine is the closest so far. I would say it sounds very similar to the word you're looking for. Ovine, orsine. Rhymes, rhymes with the word you're looking for.

Orsine, earnest porcine. I'm Orsine Wells and oink oink oink. Rosebud. Bovine. Bovine. What's another word for squeal? Maybe I'll get it that way. I think it's probably the way you wanna go. So a pig word that rhymes with bovine.

Or it might be a slight slant rhyme, but I think it's pretty good, right? Bovine. So this is a word for pig. I do know this one. And I, but I don't want to say because I do know this one, and I- Oh, my pearls. But I don't want to say, because I don't want to engage in the riddles.

And a squeal has to rhyme with something that rhymes with pearls. I'm clutching my pearls and I'm tossing them before you. What? I'm tossing these pearls before something. Pearls before swine, swine. Yes, so swine. Wine, swine wine. Wine, swine wine.

Yeah, swine wine, which is also the worst, Malbec in the industry. I'd like to see a scene. Swine, swine wine. JBC, you are a sommelier giving a tour to a couple, Addle and Janet on their honeymoon of your swine wine business, and you're giving them a tasting.

Typically we go to Sonoma, but this just felt like a nice detour, so we thought to stop by. We're excited to hear about your selection. Yeah. I've been excited to tell you about the name of the town. You look like a nice city folk from the city, right? Um, honey? Let me get you a can of the city. You from the Minnesota? Um honey

I don't speak country road stop wine tour honey I feel like I heard him say something akin to let me guess and then I Absolutely lost the thread He said something about, I took this language in college, but only for two years. I think he said something about you like to drink wine. Yeah. Now, there's grandweds with grasshopper droves on my front of house, I suppose. Now, a beverage server's house is gonna have a beverage happen, and if you drink it, you're gonna have a tamen in your face. I heard him say we're gonna contaminate our faces if we have a grasshopper beverage. Am I right? Do I get an A? Somebody's got a junior in my language in college. Let me get you into a big city kinda like Kansas City or Minnanoeta. Somebody got Junior Mince in my college? Is that what he said? I heard something about Minnesota, but I just want to clarify something. Sir, you're a pig,

are you not? Well, Master Black Crow, I've never been so efficient in my entire 18-year life. I think it's impressive that you're able to speak something sort of like human language and R.A. Well, if you were married or engaged to this lovely individual, I may have the opportunity to have you on your telephone number. Now, of course, I can't dial on a telephone, but a phone number you would have all eaten out of orbit.

I want to say also that I loved your performance on House of Cards. I thought you were such a wonderful president. So subtle And you know I didn't drive that bit but you know opportunity nags every once in a while and somebody falls through and then you never Blame me on the last minute and somebody's available and my people keep ringing So what am I gonna do turn down frame honey? Okay, so it seems like he took a snoot and he pushed these glasses towards us So this looks to be this is a 98. Okay, let me Now I want to ask you something sweetheart

How did that taste knowing it was going to be the last sip of wine you take as a married person? Because this was your idea and I'm not feeling it. What? Sorry pal, your chick told me. It looked like you're the phone and you gotta go and now you live on the farm and I live in your house probably in a big city like here maybe Minnesota. Oh I'm having a stroke I can't understand them. I'm pulling my I'm using my legal right as a recently married woman to do a swip swap with the pig Somalia. And I'm taking pig a nectar, which is an ancient tradition where the pig on the night of the marriage gets to do with the rider.

Oh yeah, I can make it stop. I forgot I had the kill switch. Once we got to pig a nectar. That character was 18 years old. That was an 18 year old character that James you this way. I heard you say that. Pigs only live, how long do pigs live? Does anyone know? No more talking about pigs for the next 40 minutes.

And the length of time that pigs do things. If pigs can orgasm for 90 minutes, then pigs could probably live 100 years, right? Yeah. Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up. They're around for 20 years, but they live for 90 minutes at a time. I like the idea that your orgasm is

it directly related to how long you live. Like a tortoise has like a two day long orgasm. An African gray parrot, five days. Certain butterflies just come out, come out of the chrysalis, gibbon and jabbering. Here we go, another pink pink. Sorry, Aaron. Unusual seat. Unusual seat.

Strange. Weird chair. Very, Erin, very close. Cool stool. That's, I like that. This is a weird, I'm sorry, unusual seat. Strange. And there's not part of it. Rocking chair. Bizarre part of the car.

The seat part. It makes sense. Bizarre part of a car. The seat part. It makes sense. Bizarre part of the car, come on. Help me. And JPC, you are not, what are you doing while we're doing riddles? Are you getting worked on? Are you thinking of funny jokes?

How old do pigs get? And then I was looking at the oldest pig, and then I was looking at the difference between how old pigs are and pugs are. Who do you think lives longer, pigs or pugs? I'm going pigs. Pugs have breathing problems. Pigs live longer than pugs.

Pigs don't. Isn't that sad? Yeah. And I also saw a website about how you're not supposed to keep pigs as pets. I knew that. Yeah. Too late for me.

They don't really make great pets. Remember in Charlotte's Web when the pig, I forget the pig's name. Wilbur. What's the pig's name, Wilbur. Wilbur's orgasming for so long and then the spider writes in the web, that's cum pig. Remember that?

I literally have a bag next to my computer in case I throw up, because of how quickly I threw up after our last recording. What more do I need to say? They're dying laughing. All right, why is that bag full of Arby's curly fries if it's your throw up bag? Because what if I need?

something to throw up Big stuff corkscrew penises You know what I hope I throw up in this episode and then you might learn a lesson No, you would have a lesson then you'd have me throwing up forever. You won't, JPC, because you are dead on the inside? What's the medical term? Here's the thing about pigs, too. You have to shave their hooves. What is happening?

I would never want to shave a pig's hoof. That sounds awful. I don't feel like clipping my own nails. Somehow that crossed the line for me. Somehow shaving a pig's hooves is more gross to me than anything else you talked about. I don't care I would like to talk about the weird chair weird chair

strange Unusual seat is the hint here is half of the answer. I remember it rhymes Air unusual seat fair chair scare chair. Oh where chair it turns into a wolf Hear that we got your next big idea. Give us a call. This is not me trying to help in any way with the riddle, but did someone, because there's a lot of people on the podcast today, there's maybe some potential for over talking. Did someone say crazy boy, lazy boy? Did someone say crazy boy, lazy boy? Did you hear that HPO? we have your next big idea. That's an HBO property.

That one goes to HBO. That's Danny, what's his name? Trejo. Yeah, there you go. Yep, Danny Trejo, crazy boy, lazy boy, also works. Oh, Danny McBride would totally play crazy boy, lazy boy. Chair? Why can't we think of a word that's like strange or different that rhymes with chair?

And think more, this is like, this might be associated with like stamps or coins. Rare chair. A rare chair, very nice. Thank you for putting it in language we, as coin and stamp collectors can understand. Janet, right behind you I see a Kennedy half dollar and an upside down plane.

I do wanna see a quick scene. Adel you're going to be a waiter. Erin and Janet are out at a restaurant. They both ordered steak and you have just put in front of them pieces, two big pieces of chair instead of steak. Excuse me, sorry. So sorry. We ordered the rare steak and this seems to be two dismantled pieces from the chairs. This looks like it's going to be a little tough. It is. I tried it back in the kitchen and it is a little tough. You ate off our plate? Well no. I picked it up with a fork and put it in my mouth.

I mean, Melanie, he's talking about eating furniture. I don't know if we really care that much if he tasted it at this point. Shouldn't we send it back? It still feels like a violation. That sounds good. Let's pick our battle. You know what I mean?

I don't wanna argue with a table, but this is the rare steak. Now, if you look at the menu again, you'll see how steak is spelled. S-T-A-K-E. But this is the rare steak now if you look at the menu again. You'll see how steak is spelled like you know a And Many a movie you know Buffy the vampire slayer the movie with Paul Rubin's etc They would break off a chair leg and use it as a steak so this is but would they eat it also

Well, that's what we're doing differently. I mean I sir you have been becoming a vegetarian. These have been sous vide that's our chef's name is Susan Veed. I mean what she does is she sorts she sort of roasts the outside so it gets a nice char. Unless me? And these are ramps on the outside not ramps as in wild onions ramps as in you know sort of a angled wooden structure Sir as you're talking I can see you have splinters all over your tongue. Are you mostly? No, are you eating mostly furniture? Here that that's what we this is I'm so sorry. Did you not know you're at the IKEA cafe? Yeah, we're taking a new direction.

We thought- Everybody, oh please. Oh, I, no, we just wanted to say we thought and then be cut off. Go ahead. Yeah. Sorry, there might be a slight delay in my hearing. We got tired of people associating us with meatballs. That's what we call them in Sweden.

And we thought to pivot a little bit. So this is just this is just pieces of broken furniture that people return because when they opened up the box to try to assemble it, it was already broken. And this is you trying to save the planet. You're floating away, ma'am. You're floating away. Oh, just tie down to the chair. Help me. You must have stopped in our waffles section. When I sat down and you attached this theater rig to me, I didn't realize that it was going to mean that I would be

floating away at any point. This is actually kind of fun. Yes, our fizzy juice is a, yes, ma'am. Oh, well, just now that I know what's going on, I would like the fake plant salad, and I'll take a broken mirror for dessert. Oh, very good, very good. I'll have a mirror as well, but you know what?

Bring it to me first as the meal. Oh, wow, you're being bad. I'm feeling decadent. Mirror before chair. How about a ship's, oh, Erin, please. No, go ahead. What were you gonna say? Oh, nothing.

No, Erin, if it was important enough to stop class, it was important enough to say. No, it wasn't, sorry, sir. I had nothing to say, go ahead. Wait, where did these hangpinks come from, did you say? From the, from Earth D, let's say. Oh, wow. These were not listener submitted. From the from Earth D. Let's say These were not these were not listener submitted. How about a ship saying a ship saying?

What a ship saying a Boat before you get It's a boat quote but a a boat bon mot is a extra point for Jimmett. I'm very international. Yes. A bot bon mot. Yeah. I think I see a scene.

That's a boat quote. Yes. You know when they christen a boat and they hit champagne off the side of it? JPC, you are a guy christening a new boat and revealing to all of your friends and family who have come the name of your new boat. And Erin, can I add something on? Sure. Would you mind playing the boat?

Yeah, but boats mostly don't talk. So we'll see if I decide to chime in right at the end. Mostly. Hey everybody. Thank you for coming out. Sorry about the freak weather. You know, you play in one of these in April and you get what you get.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Hurry up. Ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah. 22 degrees, pouring down rain. And I appreciate us everybody getting a little wet. And the water is kind of choppy today, huh?

Why did you make us stand in the water on top of everything else? I've only seen these in movies, and I thought it was more like a polar plunge thing where we all kind of get down in the water. Plus, docks are so expensive. Do you know that if you have to tie up a boat at a dock,

you have to pay a slip fee? Which is, I mean, that's bullshit, right? The boat was expensive, and now I've got to pay for a docking fee I mean you gotta be kidding me Yes, yes, um so I'm gonna pull this little tarp that I have on the boat We're all gonna see the name I'm going to I'm not gonna break a champagne bottle on the boat because have you seen champagne prices come on

This is corbella that's still nine bucks nine bucks for corbella Then I fall asleep and wake up in Earth deep Please what are you gonna? What are you gonna break over the please just do it just no I'm just gonna tap the corbella on the side, and then we can all have some I'm just gonna like I'm gonna clink it You know I'm gonna. I'm gonna give a little clink, you know, of the cork. We're all drinking champagne, right? I can't feel my hands. I know it's what, 730 in the morning, but.

Oh, the tarp slipped. I see the name of the boat. It's called The Prices These Days. That's the name of your boat. Right? You wouldn't believe how expensive it is to have such a long title for a boat. But I paid it! Let the boat say whether she likes her name! How dare you!

I love it! That was you, guy, that was you. No! That wasn't me! It was a talking boat! I paid extra for a talking boat! You drink some corbel at the same time, have the boat talk. Easy, easy to do. I'll just drink, I'll just un- Okay. Okay! We're talking boat. You drink some Corbel at the same time, have the boat talk.

Easy, easy to do. I'll just drink, I'll just, okay. Don't waste the Corbel. I love it. I got some Corbel on the boat, that's why the boat sounded like that. You made me waste Corbel. I really wanted the tarp to go back on

and then for you to make it disappear like a Chris, like a Chris like a Chris angel Like a David Tarpey like oh my god it's gone! In my mind it was a toy boat Can I run to the bathroom really quick? I have to pee so bad. I'm so sorry. Was that what you were gonna say earlier Erin? Yes Wow I'm glad that you saved it until it's now break. Oh

I'm glad that you saved it until it's now break. Oh. So just so everyone knows, that's how Erin's choosing to spend her break. Oh, come on! Oh, fine, I'll take my punishment. I'll be back. One, two, three, four, eight, rickety-brick, go! Hey, Addle, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. Okay, nothing new there.

What's going on, buddy? Remember I said I was sick of having all this body hair and you two jokers told me, well, go down and hang out with some of those little puppet creatures and those things will, they'll, you know, they'll shave you upright, those little puppet creatures hanging out on the street. Oh, like Jim Henson shaving. We said Henson shaving. Henson shaving, different, no relation. Oh, okay, because I was going to say,

those guys did a terrible job. Have you ever seen how shaky their hands move? Yeah, I have. Can you imagine those hands holding razors? Look at me. Yeah. JPC, this is why you gotta meet Henson Shaving. Henson Shaving is a family-owned aerospace parts manufacturer that has made parts for the ISS International

Space Station. Ever heard of her? And Mars Rover? Ever heard of her? And now they are bringing precision engineering to your shaving experience. So no more razor burn or bumps on your face. Yeah, I gotta say I've used this razor not for my beard because I have a beard, but to trim up my cheeks, to get the back of my neck, to get the sort of front of my neck. It is such a smooth, clean shave. Feels so nice against my skin. No stubble, no irritation. Okay, I see it. So Henson shaving, by using aerospace-grade CNC machines, Henson makes metal razors that extend to just 0.0013 inches,

which is less than the thickness of a human hair. That means a secure and stable blade with vibration-free shave. And what I did was I allowed a lot of puppets with wild akimbo hands to cut me up with razors. That's the difference I see. The razor has built-in channels to evacuate hair and cream, which makes clogging virtually impossible. Okay, I gotta say, that is great to hear because those little things threw us some wooden shoes

and they were clogging all over me and it felt awful. Probably the chef, right? Yeah, it was the chef. The chef was probably the clogs. The design is gorgeous, It's a durable machine. It's gonna last a long time. Stand the test of time. Henson Razors, JPC, you gotta check it out.

Plus, the Henson Razor works with standard dual edge blades to give you that old school shave with the benefit of new school tech. Once you own a Henson Razor, it's only about three to $5 per year to replace the blades. That's also a great value because I think that those little Sesame Street guys really took advantage of me in terms of what they

charged me. Now I paid them completely in fruit but I think I spent $300-$400 on fruit. Yeah you don't have to buy a lot of versions of a bad thing just buy a great version of a Henson Raiser and then you're all set. Yeah that makes sense. And of course we can't have any of the aforementioned puppets because those are all trademarked but we do have a Morpid. Here's the Henson shaving Morpid. It's time to say no to subscriptions and yes to a razor that'll last you a lifetime. Visit henson shaving dot com slash riddle to pick the razor for you and use code riddle and you'll get two years worth of blades free with your razor just make sure to add them to your cart that's H-E-N-S-O-N-S-H-A-V-I-N-G dot com slash riddle and use code riddle.

Hey guys, actually, I can't be spelling things because that's actually the other. I'm a morpid and morpids cannot teach kids how to spell. Aaron, is that a moose? A rat? Some sort of moose rat? I don't like it, Adel, I don't like it. Aaron, hit us with the jingle. I don't like it, Adel, I don't like it. Aaron hit us with the jingle. And in shaving, shave your body so it's soft. Aaron, that was weirdly amazing.

Start working in ad jingles. That was kind of incredible. That was truly incredible. Aaron, where has that been? I love it. It'll be in my head all day. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Okay, I'm hacking the computer. Let me just slam on the keyboard here. We're almost in. Oh, there I found it. Squarespace.com. Cracks knuckles.

Um, yeah, are you just logging into your Squarespace? Yeah, I'm logging in, but- I thought you were a hacker. I'm logging in like a 90s TV hacker. Let me slam on my keyboard a bunch. I'm in. Okay, it's not your keyboard, it's my keyboard. And you're really damaging it with your slams. Takes big swig of energy drink. I'm in.

Oh, I don't know. I feel like anyone can use Squarespace. It's a tool that makes it easy to create beautiful website, engage your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms. Yeah. You don't really have to hack into it. Yeah, sure. It's for everyone. Let me just set up some custom merch here, easily sell some custom merch and create a

passive income that engages your audience and scales your brand. I'm in. Okay. Yeah. So that's the customer that we already have set up. You just, you hit Backspace a bunch of times. It looks like you maybe deleted some of the merch. Slammed Backspace. Adel, Squarespace has an online store where you can sell your products, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products. Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online. You don't need to hack into anything for that.

Oh yeah? Rolls eyes, picks up a copy of... Oh that looks painful! Yeah they're stuck, they're stuck. I'm in. Jeez! I'm in. He's in trouble, that's what he's in. Adel, I mean, and I can see you trying to hack into this, but you can just host video content and organize your video library to showcase your content on beautiful video pages and sell access

to your videos with member areas. You don't have to hack anything. You just, you don't have to. Addle, give me the keyboard. Points to a copy of Isaac Asimov's complete works. I'm in. No, no. And Addle, these, these energy drinks you're drinking, looks like they all expired in 1994. These, you can't be, are you, you've been drinking these? They're dust. Oh no. Look, we got gotta get Adol to the hospital, but what you should do is go to squarespace.com

for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm in. I'm in. Oh, he crossed over. Pfft. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Whew, Adol, JPC, thank you so much for coming to my one woman show about BetterHelp and being in therapy.

What did you think? The set was incredible, Erin. Also, I love BetterHelp. BetterHelp has helped me out greatly. But yeah, I thought, I don't know why you played a horse, but it was fun. It was fun stuff. I misunderstood and I thought I wasn't allowed in because it was a one-woman show. And so I waited in the lobby, but I could, it sounded from the lobby, I mean the sound from the lobby. Thank you so much. Let me give you a little preview of it.

I would say things like, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. I love this kind of therapy because even during my show, I was feeling a little frustrated, a little bit down on myself, and I messaged my therapist during the show, and by the end of the show, she had gotten back to me

with a timely response. Can you believe it? Unbelievable. Yeah, I think I heard from the lobby, I heard a phone ding, and then I heard someone typing. So was your therapist here at the show? No, I can't ask that. I know I can't ask that.

My favorite part, Erin comes out, it's like there's like a scene change, she's on a porch smoking a cigarette, and she says, "'A lot of us spend our times wishing we had more time. "'The question is time for what? part, Erin comes out, it's like a there's like a scene change. She's on a porch smoking a cigarette. And she says, a lot of us spend our times wishing we had more time. The question is time for what if time was unlimited? How would you use it? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a

priority therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it is beautiful. And if you've never tried online therapy, and you happen to be let's say, a guy at home with a baby, online therapy is a great way to cut down on the commute part of going to therapy. You can kind of get in, get out, and then get back to your baby. And you should get back to your baby. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash riddle today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle. Erin, where are you touring this show? You're going to some major cities or? Everywhere. Wow. Oh yeah, it says Everywhere, Pennsylvania. Never heard of that place. It's very small.

Ghost town. Hey, Riddle going to break down. We're going to break down. Erin, you know, you brought up peeing just before break. I did? I hope we cut that out so that this segue is me talking about pooping and it makes it all the more interesting.

I had a friend who was asking me about like, what's one of the most unexpected, but like different things about parenthood, like, you know, before you were a parent and now that you are a parent. And one of the ones, the first thing that came to my mind was that like, now, like when I'm pooping, I'm on somebody else's clock.

Like every day of my life that I pooped in my own life was just like, hey, I'm gonna poop and like no one's really gonna bother me. And if they are, I'll be like, I'm pooping. And they're like, oh, okay. Well, surely I'll just come back at a later date. Can't argue with that. But a baby, a baby's like, no, no, no, no.

I don't care about you pooping. Like you're gonna do half a poop right now and then you're gonna do whatever I want. And then maybe later you can finish your poop, is insane because no I can't like that's gone That was lost in my body somewhere for Just dissolves into your bloodstream right I guess so I mean that's probably why I am the way I am too much poop dissolved In my blood. I don't know you've been kind of insane for forever. I don't know if we can blame the baby I don't know you've been kind of insane for forever. I don't know if we can blame the baby

Yeah, I feel like you're the first parent I can think of who has talked about poop and not been talking about their child's poop When so funny, that's all you An interesting point I do have some let me pull this out of the file. I have some audio here. This is audio of JPC before he had the baby. So let's see if we can listen to it and see if he's always been like that. Let me hit play here. Okay.

Aaron, it's funny that you bring up poop because I had a couple of stories that I would like to tell you. And pause. How many times has he told that story? How many times has Aaron brought up poop? I guess a lot. Huh. I'm going to guess in order, a lot and probably never.

That's so funny. Well, speaking of kids, a kid showed his parents an empty glass milk bottle with a whole apple inside. How did the kid get the apple inside the bottle without damaging the bottle or the apple? And just to say, just in case there's any confusion, the apple is much bigger than the hole in the bottle. Okay, because I was going to be like, he took out his Adam's apple. Oh no. Jesus Christ. Oh God, scary.

We don't need those. You ever seen Road House when Patrick Swayze rips out a guy's Adam's apple? No. I'd say. That's a move. That's a move. I mean, I have seen it, but I don't remember that. I must've blacked that out. It's the inspiration, I believe,

for the MacGruber throat rip bit. Oh, well, there you go. That makes sense. Yeah. That does make sense. He's truly fighting a guy and they hit each other and it's like, Oh, well, there you go. That makes sense. Yeah. That does make sense. He's truly fighting a guy and they hit each other and it's like, oh, ow, ouch. And then he just reaches out and rips out his absepple.

It's the most insane move I've ever seen. It's truly insane. And Janet, you're right, we probably don't need them. But I guess, I gotta tell ya, you probably don't want them to be taken out that way. That's probably not the way. I think they're supposed to stay in. Agree.

I think they're supposed to stay in. Okay, wait, so the apple's bigger, but is the apple still in one piece, or is it just like he sliced it up and then put it in there? That's a good question. Ooh, good, that's very good lateral thinking, Janet. It is, it's still whole, it's still unmarked.

So not like the seed goes in or something? Well, Aaron? You know what else is fucked up? He grew a whole apple tree inside of a glass. Humans don't need their appendix and neither do books. I don't care that this book was researched. It does not matter to me.

Real or fake, I don't care. No, it's a history book. Make it up. Who gives a shit? I'm never going to read all these other books. I don't know why you did. Janet, you pretty much got it. We're gonna go ahead and give it to Janet.

The answer is the kid is very patient. He puts an apple tree's shoot inside the milk bottle and then waits until the apple grows inside, then the apple will drop off in its own time. What? I do wanna see a scene. That doesn't make any sense at all. This kid's a fucking nerd. This doesn't make sense.

Did you say at all or at all? I do wanna see a scene. Erin, you are, we'll say that you're like of college age, late teens, early twenties. You're coming back home to your family house and in the front yard is a tree you planted when you were a kid. Janet, you are going to be this sort of giving tree

who has seen Erin throughout the years and you're reconnecting after four years. Oh my goodness, is that who I think it is? Oh, hey. Hello. Put down chainsaw. Hi. Hey.

Oh my gosh, you look so grown up. You look amazing. How are you? You look so good. Oh my god, you smell the grown up! You look amazing! How are you? You look so good! Oh my god, you smell the same, you look the same. Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Oh, it's so good to see you! Yeah, I'm surprised that you still talk. I thought it was sort of a whimsical childhood thing that I was imagining. Oh no, this is a lifelong curse. Ah, yes! As long as I, as long as there's a stitch of me left, including my roots, I am going to talk, but that means I can tell you how good it is to see you. Yeah.

I just say, yeah. Um, I mean, we had so much fun, right? I used to sit under your shade and read books. Goodness, we had a tree house in you. We had a swive-dilla's tire swing. Tire swing. Swing and swung. You talk to me through most of my problems

when my family wouldn't really talk to me. I told you how to clean your skin better so you wouldn't get those nasty pimples. Yeah, you taught me how to drive. Well, speaking of all of that stuff we've done, you must be exhausted. You must be sort of like like feeling like you're done. I feel good.

I'm an extrovert, you know what I mean? So I recharge through my exchanges with people I care about like you. Oh my God. You know, I'm sort of home from college. My parents are sort of putting me to work doing some yard work for them, mowing the lawn and. Good for you. You earn a little extra scratch. Yeah yeah um so you know it's so funny you are sort of causing a little bit of

a headache for my parents. You're dropping a lot of little things that fall from your tree onto their porch. Cherries? Yeah, they're trying to entertain more, and my mom is sort of tired of sweeping all the cherries off the porch. My dad is sort of worried about Oh, she's tired of all the making delicious cherries. Yeah.

Okay. It's not the fucking cherries. She screams when you're not here. When you're not here David put the shotgun down Fuck shell Silverstein Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like needing a certain amount of primary sources and a certain amount of secondary sources. Speaking of you going back in time and shaking yourself and telling yourself to drink more, I wish I could go back in time and go,

hey bitch, you're gonna be on a rental podcast. Don't stress too much about this, okay? Hey, hey. This Spanish test, not a big deal. No, no, quit doing Latin, girl. Break that calculator. Pick some electives. APs, whatever.

I remember in high school, they were like, you can't use Wikipedia as a source. And I was like, okay, I guess I get that you can't use Wikipedia as a source. And then like, cut to now, and all of the internet is full of just AI garbage everywhere. I'm hoping in high school they're like, please Christ use Wikipedia, don't Google it.

Just go to Wikipedia, just put whatever they say on the paper, like that's the only way. I understood the dangers of Wikipedia when I was in school and me and my friend Connor, I wish I could text him and ask him what it was. We've gotten to an argument about what year a movie came out and I was certain that it came out a certain year. We go to lunch, he pulls up the computer and he was right.

He shows me the Wikipedia page and I was like, oh my God. And I had a complete meltdown for like several days. And at the end of the week, he was like, hey, I ran to the computer and changed the Wikipedia date. Danger, that's too dangerous to have the ability to do that. That is some dark magic right there. I should not be using this as a source. Yeah.

And that's all he wanted to do was show you that. That was just a sweet lesson from a friend who wanted to make sure you were a better student. He's an asshole. I hate that guy. Wikipedia used to be easier to edit too. Cause I remember in high school, we got in big, big trouble from our administration

for editing our Wikipedia Notable Alumni page to include a bunch of serial killers. Yay! Yay! Yay! And I feel like you can't do that anymore. You can't just go and be like, yeah, John Wayne Gacy went to this high school.

Ironically now, yeah, when you change it, ironically now you have to have a primary source, two secondary sources. Everything's come full circle. It's infuriating. It's a moral course. I got four AI articles written today about how John Wayne Gacy went to my high school.

It's not a problem. Aaron, when you were describing the tree dropping stuff, you kind of did a finger toro motion. Were you talking about the whirlybirds? What did people call those? Maple whirlybirds, maple tree helicopters. Did we all grow up with those? We called them whirlybirds in What did people call them? Maple whirlybirds, maple tree helicopters. Did we all grow up with those? We called them whirlybirds in my neck of the woods.

I didn't grow up with them. You didn't grow up with them? No, there are not a lot of maple trees in Arizona. Oh, that makes sense. Who do cacti drop? Speaking of which, when we were watching Pirates of Penance last night, Janet, before the movie started, said, I thought these sets were real England.

I thought that this is just what England looked like when I was a kid. And that tidbit got funnier and funnier as the movie went on. This is the craziest looking cartoonish set I have ever seen in my life. All of the plants are clearly just made out of origami. They're just like, there's nothing about them

that seem real at all. You're just so used to cactus. I'm so used to cacti. Which version did you watch? There's only one version. What's his name? The 1983 Kevin Kline version. Kevin Kline, yeah, yeah, okay.

So hot. Is there another version? No. I don't know. There might No. I don't know. There might be, I don't know. The movie Soul has a moment about those whirly things. I don't know if you've seen it at all. I have, but it's too dry.

I haven't seen it, because people said I was gonna cry too much and that I should be careful and take care of myself and maybe never see it, or see it in a very safe emotional space. I mean, it's Pixar, you're gonna cry. They sort of have it down to the science's Pixar, you're gonna cry. Yeah. They sort of have it down to the signs over there.

They're gonna make you sob. They don't wanna push the buttons. Let's push the button, push the button on the next riddle here. Okay, it's coming out of the ticker. Okay, this is a man lies in his own bed and passes away in the comfort of his own home. Good for him.

Due to thirst. Why would he allow this to happen? That's interesting. A man lies in his own home. Good for him. Due to thirst. Why would he allow this to happen? That's interesting. A man lies in his own bed and passes away in the comfort of his own home. This own bed and own home, okay, we get it. Due to thirst, why would he allow this to happen? He lives in a houseboat

and the only water available to him is water. Oh, that is. Have we done this before, Erin? That's incredible. No, I'm just a genius. Turns out when JPC's not in the way, I'm a riddle genius. With cat life trend, I solve the riddles, man. It's funny to say that you died in the comfort of your own home.

It's like, how did he die? He died of thirst. It's like, I don't think we'd be talking about comfort at that point. Like dying of thirst sounds pretty uncomfortable. Everyone that was dying of thirst is one of the most pleasant ways to go when you die. It's like falling asleep. Yeah.

It's the opposite of drowning, and drowning sounds horrible. Yeah, they said that they can't actually execute prisoners by depriving them of water because it's too euphoric and they don't deserve that amount of euphoria. Yeah. Anyone listening to this, try not drinking anything for like three days and have the best pig orgasm of your little dirty life.

I'm talking 90 minutes y'all. That is the pull quote. When Hayward or Riddell uploads, everyone's gonna go, we should have known by this and it's that. That 30 seconds that just happened. I'm trying to get an invite to Joe Rogan, so I'm gonna keep talking about how if you don't drink water, you have good orgasms,

because that's what's good for the podcast. If I can get on Rogan, that's gonna be legendary for us. That's actually really true. I think it's Kat Williams one and then you two. I think that's the two gets. JPC, you just made me think of this. Porgs in the Star Wars universe, are Porgs, is that a portmanteau of pig orgasm?

Oh no. I'm assuming so because they're little adorable creatures. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And they get, I think they produce milk. Let's go on to the next riddle here. Two best friends, Tom and Henry, are playing on the school playground during recess.

When recess is over and the bell rings, the two boys run back to class. On their way, a giant gust of wind causes a mass of dirt to be thrown in both their faces. Tom's face is absolutely filthy, while Henry's face is still miraculously clean. However, it is Henry that rushes to the bathroom to clean his face, while Tom returns to class without doing so. Assuming that both boys care equally about their hygiene, why would they each react this way? One's a chinchilla and that's how he he takes baths and dirt. Aaron, we've had these before we must have. That's funny.

That was so long. I just tuned out for the middle parts. I thought about One Pill's a chinchilla as well. That's what was going on in my head. And One Pill makes you Tom. But why? Why did we both think that? What about chinchilla makes you Tom? I don't know anything about chinchillas. We're broken. Are they soft? I bet they're soft.

One boy's a chinchilla. Yes, they're so soft. You never held a chinchilla? They're so soft, they're so cute. I love them. Oh my God. I don't know. Did you guys grow up with a bunch of friends who had chinchillas lying around?

I think they used to sell them at Taco Bell. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Janet, you gotta meet a chinchilla. There's choco taco and chinchillas. You have not lived until you have pet a chalupa. They are so silky soft.

They're so soft. Oh my god, they're so sweet. Out into the universe now, because there's enough time for me to forget about it, I would like for my birthday this year to pet a chinchilla. I don't know which one of you wants to set that up, listener, family member who's listening otherwise. Let me offer this up as an alternate.

Not knowing if they will have a chinchilla, what if I take you to like an animal sanctuary that has like a bunch of different amazing animals? That sounds very interesting. That sounds very interesting. That you can interact with. Erin, what if I could get a sugar glider to kiss you? Okay, that also sounds very interesting,

but I want that to be New Year's at midnight. Erin, what if I can get a monkey to throw poop at me and it's my poop? Okay, I'm very interested in that. This is going to be a very happy birthday. I love the idea of assigning animal experiences for each individual holiday. And for our birthday, Erin decided she wanted to get punched by a kangaroo. That's like your anniversary thing. It's like, what's seven years? Seven years. Oh, seven years having a rhinoceros sneeze on your feet. Yeah.

It's good luck. Erin, the problem with you wanting to do this chinchilla thing for your birthday is that you have a November birthday and a chinchilla is a springtime animal. No, they live all year round. They're really only at their freshest in spring. Yeah, there's not gonna be a single chinchilla in bloom by the time...

You want him to freeze a chinchilla right now so that he can then thaw it out in November? That's very selfish. You want to touch a dead chinchilla for your birthday, Aaron? Because what you're presupposing, that's like five months after the chinchilla natural life cycle is over. Hey, forget I I said anything, Al. Oh. I once bought an experience at the shed aquarium to, for maybe his first girlfriend's birthday,

but it was like a meet and greet with a penguin. And we're so excited, we go into this special room, we put on this special little overalls or whatever it is, and you get in there and they're like, everyone take out two fingers and I will bring the penguin around, and you get to downward stroke with your two fingers twice and then you're done and we're like, what?

So the penguin comes around and you like, go from point A to point B, which is like half an inch, twice, and you're like, that was 180 bucks, what are we doing? I'd like to see a scene. I'm sure you would. JPC, you are going to meet a penguin at a penguin meet and greet.

Adel, you are the penguin and you're really like hottie and like a celebrity and you are sort of, this is beneath you. Gotcha. Oh my God, that tuxedo looks amazing on you. That was such a great idea. We look so fantastic. And I had, this place has awesome Google reviews.

Like apparently the Penguin is super sociable. Oh nice. And it's like really down to earth and chill. Yeah, this is awesome. This is awesome, this is a dream. Boring, boring. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, oh, we're next, we're next, we're next.

Okay, okay. File my field. Hey. Hi. Oh, oh're next, we're next, we're next. Okay, okay. File my phone. Hi. Oh, oh, oh. I need you to go from a 10 to a two. Oh, oh, sorry, I'm Matt, this is Christina. Hi, I'm Christina. We love Penguin fans.

We've always, you know, we've always kind of wanted to. We've been following, we've been looking at the webcam footage of you from the website for so long. You just seem so fun. Did you want a picture? I mean, yeah, but... Yeah, but we actually got the VIP package. Yeah, the experience. Not just the selfie. OK.

So VIP here stands for voluptuous, iridescent penguin. I'm listening. Sure. So you can feed me grapes. You get to feed me grapes. Oh, you guys can eat grapes? Excuse me? I know they kill dogs, so I didn't know if, I don't know if penguins can have...

And you think we're close enough on the... Terrence, take him away. Terrence, take him away. Wait, hold on. Get your hands off me! No, Terrence, come on, we paid for the luxury penguin. Are you gonna be good? Why did you put me in handcuffs?

The shit's serious, man. I'm sorry, no, I apologize. This penguin's kind of a jerk. Why did you put me in handcuffs? The shit's serious. I'm sorry. No, I apologize Jerk he just said grapes, and I thought it was fish like the website said fish But if it's good we brought we brought we didn't bring grapes We just didn't bring grapes did someone just call me Terrence bring the one who called me a jerk up front Take my wing and My other wing and, uh!

And take my other wing and, uh! Ow! Oh, I hit the wife twice. I was trying to. I've seen. That's a bad look. Oh, God. The optics of that are pretty bad. You see, I come from a,

I was an exchange student in France and they don't just do one smack or kiss. You get hit, if you're gonna get hit, you're gonna get hit on each side of your face. Jesus said, turn the other cheek and hit the wife twice. With the penguin wing. The worst part about growing up with my dad's Palestinian family was,

anytime we saw any of them, they would grab you with a death grip and kiss you like three times, like cheek, cheek, cheek. It was disgusting, I hate it. Where's that third cheek? You don't wanna know. Ass.

You can do that. Ass. I did the meet and greet experience with the Sea Otter at the Georgia Aquarium, and I can't say enough good things about it, it was super fun and great, and we got to feed it shrimpsicles. Oh, I'm so jealous. Where can I buy those for myself?

I don't want to tell you because I'm actually planning on letting Erin pet a shrimpsicle for her birthday. Yay. Hooray. I did the VIP meet and greet experience for the person from legend of Korra and I could say slapped me twice to slap I'm jealous That's a one person show

Person from legend of Korra Someone here worked on the show because I don't know. I think Erin you were Momo? Yes. When what? The legend of Korra. That's from the first series? Of course.

And you've shamed yourself and your family. No. When I was in first grade we went to the New England Aquarium. I think I've told this on the show before and I actually got picked to be a volunteer in the Sea Lion show. And I got to go down and they were like, okay bow, and then the Sea Lion will bow. And then I did and it did.

And then it gave me a high five and a kiss on the cheek. And I still remember, it's truly one of the best moments of my life. Having the cutest animal ever just like waddle up and go, and I felt so loved. I was like, oh my God, the earth is beautiful. This is what my life is going to be like. I'm just going to get kissed by cute animals the rest of this. I'm not going to be on a Riddle podcast.

No. Things are going to work really hard. I'm going to change the world. When I was in seventh grade, we did an overnight at the zoo and you sleep in like the dolphin pavilion. So everyone has the zoo. And you sleep in the dolphin pavilion. So everyone has sleeping bags. And you're in the dolphin room, where you can see all the dolphins just swimming

through the big tanks at night. And I woke up, it must have been 2, 3 in the morning. And there was maybe, I think it's a pod of dolphins, like four or five of them. And they were like, one of them was pointing his flipper at me. And then the other ones were like, kikikikikiki. And then they all started poking the glass hard, and then cracks

started forming in the glass, and they had to rush all of the kids out at night. It was awesome. That's kind of a cool story. I always wondered what happened on those kid overnight things, because that was never offered up to me, so I was wondering what happened. Now I know, it's a horror show. That's cool. Well, the real story

of that kids overnight is that one of the guys in the class got a hand job at that and it was all the range. By one of the dolphins? From a dolphin? Yeah, we all had to see. I don't wanna say. That is so funny. I'm not the type of person who's gonna name dolphin names.

I got jerked off by Dan Marino, no big deal. And that dolphin won Homecoming Queen. Oh. Okay. Of course the theme was under the sea. Let's, let's, we're so close to the end of this episode. Let me give you a summary. Tom and Henry were playing at recess.

Oh, clockfish riddle. They walk back to class, and Tom and Henry are hit with a big gust of wind that causes dirt to be thrown in their faces. Tom's face is filthy. Henry's face is clean for some reason. However, Henry goes to the bathroom to clean his face while Tom returns to class without doing so. And we're assuming they both care equally

about their hygiene and appearance. Why would Henry go to the bathroom to wash his face and Tom just take a seat even though his face was dirty? This is a mud wrestling school. Uh-huh. Elaborate, expound. I don't think I need to. I wish I could go up in Arizona.

Is it like one of their faces was wet and the other one wasn't? Or like, why would you want to put up with something else? Well, one of their faces was dirty and one wasn't. What are you saying, Erin? One of their faces was wet? Yeah, like, was it like, mm.

Like, oh, my face is wet, I gotta go rub my face in dirt to dry it off. If this is anything like the schools that I went to, growing up, specifically high school, I would say, the faces in question are fricking North Face jackets. And everybody's so proud of the fact that I climbed the summit of my, you're in Indiana, you didn't climb a fuckin' summit.

You got a dirty jacket, Jack. I went to the top of the Valparaiso quad, that's the summit. On the highest point in Indiana, the Valparaiso quad. I have to assume. You have to assume. So one kid's face is dirty, one kid's face is clean, but the clean, the kid with the. One kid's face is dirty.

And the other is a chinchilla. One kid's face is dirty. Maybe that's it, it's one kid. So Tom's face is filthy, Henry's face is clean, but Henry goes to the bathroom to wash his face, and Tom sits down even though his face is clean. Now this is a turn of the century insane asylum where someone has a touch of the OCD and the other person feels they're only clean when they're dirty. It's

really very simple. Okay let me ask our 100 year old Victorian doll, is that correct? This is a trap, I'm still Erin, very much not 100 year old Victorian doll. That sort of has been here since the episode where we read from the back. Excuse me, I believe you were talking to me. You're a 100 year old veterinarian doll.

I believe you were not gonna be. Oh, Pig, Pig Somalia, what are you? So let's see here. How to give a hint for this. I can't see a scenario in which this will ever make sense. And I'm sure I've thought that about a riddle on the show before, but this to me right now feels like there's no way that they're not gonna get themselves out of this

with me respecting this riddle. You don't have to respect it, you just have to try and solve it. You just have to like it. Yeah. So Janet, let's say you and I are outside. My face gets filthy, your face is clean. As we go to class, I look at you, you look at me.

You go wash your face, I go sit down without washing my face. Why would you do that? Again, I feel like I've deposited a lot of very reasonable answers. My next answer is it is a spa class on how to apply mud treatments. And this person is happy to have the mud treatment

already on the face. I'm stumped. When I go in. These are watch faces. These are the faces of their watches and they both care about hygiene, but not about their fricking watch faces. GBC, I thought you were not- I like this.

I like the North Face jackets been offered up. The face of the watch has been offered up. This is the kind of mind that I wish that you wouldn't have said you weren't gonna solve any of the riddles this show because you're coming up with a lot of answers. What is happening right now is you know when you're like watching The Bachelor and your dad comes in and he's like this show is garbage and then he keeps

sort of coming in more and more and then he starts to get a little close to the TV and he's like. This show is bullshit. He would never take her with him to the restaurant. Aaron, I wish my dad would walk through any door. Oh, Addle. Oh, Addle. Okay.

Oh, Addle. Well, all right. Addle, Addle, Addle. I mean, Addle, he did walk through one door. He just never came back through the door. Oh, no. I thought you were gonna solve riddles. I thought you were gonna solve riddles.

No, no, no, no. Okay, I'll give you the answer. Aaron, my version of that is a wife might be watching Love Island and then a person might walk in the room and do some things with the accents, do some fun accent work, and then they'd be asked to leave the room. And finish the poop they started seven hours prior. One poop makes you smaller. Don't flush, I'm still working on that. And finish the poop they started seven hours prior.

One poop makes you smaller. Don't flush, I'm still working on that. Tom and Henry, one of them gets. I'm still working on that. They're at recess, they're at recess. That'll tell us. Is it because. This will never make sense to me.

Is it because these kids hate each other and they both say, hey, did I get dirt on my face? It's like, isn't that a scene from Tommy Boy where like he falls down and, or no, David Spade's like, it doesn't hurt here, it doesn't hurt here or here, just right here. You sure you don't have something on my face? Wait a minute, his name is Tommy and the people in this,

was David Spade's character's name Henry? Because if it's Tom and Henry you might just figure this out. You might just unlock this mystery. Sorry I didn't have time to read from black sheep. I didn't have time to research riddles. I was watching Tommy boy You guys solved it. So here's the answer. So They're walking back to class They look at each other's face and they assume that their condition is reflected back at them. So Tom's face is filthy, Henry's face is clean. Henry looks at Tom's face, sees all the mud

and he's like, I must also have that because I was hit by the same gust of wind and dirt. And Tom looks at Henry's face and sees it's clean and goes, my face must also be clean. We walked out unscathed. So that's why they do what they do. Does that make sense? Oh, so these are like robot boys.

These are not real boys that can like feel their face. They have like one feel. I would call robot boys, boys. Man, I guess I need to shut the fuck up. Agree to disagree. I actually like that answer. Thank you, Aaron. Coming up on Joe Rogan our robot boys boys

Well, we gotta get out of here Jay did anything to plug thank you so much for coming And Jamie's looked at us to get out of here said that there's an article where robot boys are boys Jamie Can you find that article look that up? Is Jamie the person? I'm glad you I'm glad none of us know. That's an indication of a life. I've only seen clips and it's on like TikTok. It'll pop up every few months.

And the clip is always like, did you hear about this thing in Dubai where they're building this building with a river through? And it's like, it's all just, have you heard this thing? Have you seen this thing? That's all it is. Casey, look it up. Is it Jamie?

Casey, is it Jamie? Casey, look up if it's Jamie. Wait a minute wait a minute are we sure it's Kasey? Kasey is it, are you Jamie? Jamie is your name Kasey and it's Jamie this whole time? Jamie? Jamie look up to see if it's Kasey. Janet thank you so much for coming anything to plug other than Pirates of Penzance which is a perfect movie. I absolutely I will eternally plug the Pirates of Penzance, which is a perfect movie. Absolutely, I will eternally plug the Pirates of Penzance film that Erin and I watched. The only thing I feel bad about is that if you're not watching it with the two of us,

it will not be as fun of an experience. So I guess I'll plug, invite us over to your house and let us watch Pirates of Penzance with you. I bet we will come to at least one of your homes, just being you're gonna need to sell us on it. Is there a slide to get in and out? What kind of groceries do you steal from other people's homes?

Soft blankets. Those are the kind of things. Yeah, how soft are your blankets? How whimsical are things? And then we'll pick one house, minimum one house to go watch Pirates of the Dead dance with you. And then we'll officiate your wedding, goodbye. This is just a reminder for you guys if you wanna write this down, jot this down.

March 27th, make sure you lock your socials. Make sure you go ahead and lock all your DMs. That's so funny. Because around March 27th, you might be getting a flood of some stuff. Adil, anything to plug? Yes, I would like to plug. Not just my appearance, not just,

I know Aaron's been on, but the podcast in whole, The Brett DeMott Show. If you're looking for a new podcast to add to your rotation, The Brett DeMott Show, very, very funny. John and David have both been on our show before on Hey, Riddler Riddle. But check out their show, The Brett DeMott Show. Wildly hilarious, very, very good. Please check that, The Brett DeMott Show. Wildly hilarious, very, very good.

Please check that out, Brett DeMott Show. I second that plug. Erin, anything to plug? I would like to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. Lots of really fun episodes. We've been laughing our asses off over there. And I have, I'm really proud of a lot of that stuff

over there, I love it, I love it. I'll second that plug. Oh, also. One plug. No one told me how, okay, I watched maybe like two episodes of Bridgerton season one and then didn't really pick up on it after. Bridgerton season two is the horniest best thing

I've ever seen. Uh oh. And literally no one told me. Season one is pretty horny. Season two is better and hornier. Instead of Casey Toney, pretty horny. Oh, that's nothing. That's nothing.

Jamie looked that up. Is it pretty horny? Is it pretty horny? On Hey Renortal Podcast, the editor. Is it pretty horny? Audio daddy, pretty horny? I watched, I sat down and I watched all of season two in one sitting, fast forwarding through the boring parts

to get to the sexy parts, and now I am on my second viewing of season two. Oh my God, no one told me. Oh my God, holy shit, I'm freaking out. Don't just sit down for your second watch of season two. Stand up for it, you know what I mean? And bring a fan and salute to fan yourself. I love you on Hayward Riddle.

Aaron, you're so great. What are we watching? A fan brought a fan. I brought a fan. I'm watching Richard in season two and I'm thinking, dude, I might have to finish my shit before I watch this thing. Oh God, nevermind, Ruin.

JPC, do you have a review to read or anything to plug? I have some stuff to plug. So first of all, you can still get Casey and I's guided meditation volume one on the Patreon store. So good. The digital Patreon store. The digital Patreon store is still available. And I have something fucking huge to plug.

And this is a little bit of a sneak peek because this is our last episode of March. Next month on the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon, the entire month is dedicated to a sport that people have been clamoring for more of. That is right. April on Hey Rittle Rittle. Cucumber ball?

Will be the Penguin Baseball League month of April. What? What did we call it? What? March of the Penguin Baseball League of April. I said, I said we should do it in March. So it's called March of the Penguins. And then we had to push to April.

And I said, we should still call it April of the Penguins. April of the Penguins. so it's called March of the Penguins. And then we had to push to April and I said, we should still call it April of the Penguins. April of the Penguins. It is April of the Penguins. It is four episodes, all about Penguin Baseball. And if you have not heard our Penguin Baseball episode, we will be dropping it on the main feed. It is a Patreon episode that we'll be unlocking in a few days on April 1st. Not exactly an April Fool's Day prank at all because it is actually

something we are following through on. Look, we are not the best at like branding and marketing the things that we do, but we are announcing it here. All April on the Patreon will be Penguin Baseball League Month, including, and this is the fucking best part, we have merch for all of our teams and we will have five unique Penguin Baseball teams with their own logo and a Penguin Baseball League, like official logo all available at our merch store. You can click the link

in the episode description starting in April and they'll all be live there. And we should we would be idiotic, moronic to not mention this. Janet Varney is one of our Penguin Baseball League team owners. So she is in the mix as well as Audio Daddy, pretty horny.

So I'm very excited. That's where the number five comes from. And if you are wondering if the incredibly intimidating, very long email with a long list of obligations that I have committed myself to by doing this was shocking and appalling and like your stomach sank I have committed myself to by doing this. It was shocking and appalling and like, your stomach sank a little bit when you read it.

Get ready, it's going to be a really exciting April of Penguins. Yeah. I think the email just said, send me your team name and then also if you have time, player names. I don't know that it was a Sisyphean task, Janet, but all right, I'll take the note. Feels like one. I'll say this, Addle did write one email. Sisyphean task, Janet, but all right, I'll take the note. Feels like one.

I'll say this, Addle did write one email. So you are going into this, listeners, going into this knowing this is the most work we have ever done for an episode of Hey Runnit Rumbles. That it was anything at all. It was any direction at all. It's all happening in eightfold. Yeah, and we will see you there.

Erin, I know people are gonna be dying for a sneak peek, but would you like to tell them where your Penguin baseball team is going to be representing? This is a joke. Jupiter! Bye forever. My team's representing Boston, idiots. Idiots!

No comment there, just Boston idiots. No, no, no, no, no. Yes, yes! Cama, c on, come on! Casey Toney did the editing. Now our appearance in the music. The logo created by Emily Tardamus and Emily Nemouris. 1, 2, 3, 4, 8. Riddle, riddle, riddle.

Hey there, Chips and Mitches. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a return to, oh boy, JPC's Acting Factory. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or start your 7-day free trial or the Review Crew for $8 a month and you get those ad-free episodes. See you there! That was a HateGum Podcast. or the review crew for $8 a month, and you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!