Hey Riddle Riddle - #311: Monotoney Macaroni

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

Welcome to Chiddles. Please be seated. Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Okay, you guys are all good. Casey, I thought you were gonna sing the song. Well, yeah, Casey. You can't go away if you're gonna sing. That's pretty, pretty fucked up. Should I pull up a mini track? No, no, you gotta do it. Whoa, Aaron is the idol of my JPC.

There you go. Wow, that's right. Aaron is the idol of my JPC. Casey, Tony, thank you so much for those beautiful dulcet tones. They were dulcet. You are correct in singing that song, a parody, of course, thank you so much for those beautiful dulcet tones. Mm-hmm. They were dulcet. You are correct in singing that song, a parody, of course, of Amber is the Color of My Energy, because we're all mixed up.

We don't know what to do. We're coming original. It's episode 311. Aaron, how excited are you? Me, Aaron? Yeah, on a scale of one to 311. That's why I'm so fucking confused. Is there not another Aaron behind me? What's going on? Aaron, on a scale of one to 311. That's why I'm so fucking confused. Is there not another Aaron behind me? What's going on? Aaron, on a scale of one to 311,

how excited are you that this is episode, you're actually hosting it, episode 311. Aaron. It's not 69, it's not 420. Why do I care? I wish. It's right in the middle. Well, not right in the middle.

Aaron, we said that we were doing episode 311, and you said, and Adel and I obviously freaked out because we're huge fans of episodes, and you said, what, what's going on? Do you, are you, is 311, is that a little blind spot for you? That's a band. Blind spot?

Okay, it's a movement. I don't know if it's necessarily just a- It's a culture, it's a way of living. They were an interesting or pop culture- lead significant enough band for us to build an entire Hey Riddle Riddle episode around them. Squak skews me. Taking off my clothes, I'm getting too hot. I'm getting too hot.

Dear diary. I'm absolutely tired. Moving forward, I need to make sure I'm working with only women. I've known this for quite some time. Dear diary, me too, yeah, why not? You got me a little fair over here. Guys, get out of my diary.

Ow, ow, we're all trying to write in it at the same time. Okay, I truly thought this was our diary. Tell me about the band 311, why are you here? I only know the one song. You only know one song? Oh my God. For sure. And I know three songs.

Com-Original, All Mixed Up, Amber is the Color. Hum them for meose Collard is like Three Aaron three terrible songs Okay, why was everyone yelling at me for so many minutes about not knowing this band cuz JPC knows one song and at all I would say you probably put together really only know about one song You know what actually all three of those songs might just be the one song And those are just the different peaks of the valley. So that's why here's what i'll say

311 could never be everclear go back and listen to everclear everclear Everclear is way better than you think it is Father of mine listen to the song father of mine by everclear way better than you remember it Stop what you're doing right now and listen to the song father of mine by ever clear It's insane that you haven't listened to it It's so fucking good we have to rerecord 310 We just have to mention whatever the numbers been in Casey is typing. I'm sure he's really excited about this. Did we not do a 310 to Yuma bit?

No, we didn't. I tried to do a very subtle one, but nobody picked up. Then it was too subtle. At some point, I said, hey, Aaron, and hey, in the movie, they say like, hey, because there's horse, they have to feed the Aaron. Why don't we do a 310 to Yuma bit now and then we can have Casey splice it and put it into 310 Okay, Aaron whenever you ready you start Cowboys or something

Is that care is that your kid rock impression kid rock is that I? Want to be a cowboys? Aaron he obviously said that kid rock obviously said that I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone today. I don't know where I am. The mid to late 90s? The, I almost said Jordan Peterson. The Jordan Peterson one? All right, you guys, I have to do a mental restart

of this episode. Hold on. Oh, okay. Better do a reset. Okay, I'm gonna make a cup of tea. Me me me me me me me me. me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me And Casey, put the dial up in your tone over this. Shoulders back and down. Give a friend. She never does shoulders back and down. She never shows up for this recording with good posture. She's fronting like she has good posture

on these recordings. Unreal. No, they can tell by everything that I'm not. They can tell. You know what I just remembered? I don't know why this made me think of it. Let me see if I can try to find it. And this is how you're starting your new, you just did a reset and you're starting by Googling something. You can't do that.

Hold on, you can't say, you know what this reminds me of? What? Hold on, let me find it. You can't do that. Yeah, you can't say it reminds me of something and you don't have a memory of it. Well, I have a memory of it, but I didn't, I wanted to get the exact quote right.

So I was looking for something for a thing I was writing. And you know when you have like an idea for something, you just put it in your notes app and hope that you remember to look back at your notes app. And it never makes sense? It never makes sense. Well, I was looking for- No, but that's a great idea.

Hold on, I gotta write down ideas in notes. Bullets for cheese. Yeah, write it in your notes app. What was I thinking? And everyone's notes app is unhinged and you find really random shit, but I had a procedure last year, so I was under anesthesia.

And so I was looking for a different thing and then I found this and I was like, what is this? What is the context of this? And I looked at the date and I was like, oh my God, I wrote this when I was like in the hospital coming out of anesthesia. And I don't know the context and I don't know why I wrote it down.

But do you want to hear it? Sure. Yes. I'm a cutie patootie and I'm trying to have a good attitudie about it. Okay, here's what we need. Erin, are you familiar with the TikTok viral sensation? I'm looking for a man in finance. Yes. Six five, blue eyes. We need that done to whatever you just said. I think that this needs to be buried forever. But what do you think I was,

what was this for? I'm a cutie patootie and I'm trying to have a good at it, but I'm trying to have a good attitude about it. What do we think it was for? I think that was for maybe like some Victoria, like a new line of Victoria's secret sweatpants. I'm a cutie patootie. Where they have like little sayings on the butts, right? Yeah, maybe. Also, I'm like, maybe the nurse said this out loud and I thought it was funny and I was trying to secret sweatpants where they have little sayings on the butts, right? Yeah, maybe.

Also, I'm like, maybe the nurse said this out loud and I thought it was funny and I was trying to remember the quote. Oh, yeah, that could be it. I forgot about the possibility if it didn't come from your own deranged brain, but instead came from a stranger's and you wrote it down. Yeah, that's a possibility.

My friend Elizabeth, who took me to the appointment last year, could have said it. I'm my friend Elizabeth who took me to the appointment last year Could have said it. I don't think so though Aaron if I may and I don't want to yeah upset you or Make you feel bad in any way, but if I may speak for Casey JPC and myself, I Think Aaron you are a cutie patootie with a good attitude. I mean, I'm trying to have a good attitude. But does it always? I don't always have a good attitude about it.

Sometimes I get sort of overwhelmed by it. Erin, I'm I'm also going through my frickin notes app and I'm like looking at some of the deranged shit that I have in here. And I'm like, Erin, what could this possibly mean? OK, ready for this? What could this possibly mean? Shower door is twenty nine point five inches wide Tub could be sixty nine inches question mark. No, don't show me that you're mentally well Don't do a bit about how your notes app is normal. No, I'm sorry. It's not a safe space

This is a deranged this is a deranged little note that I've taken for myself. Like what the fuck could I possibly have been thinking? Here's some of my recent notes. Give Sadia a gift. My mother had Bell's palsy. Send Levi Piranesi. Okay, Aaron, this one's crazy. What the fuck could this be?

Spaghetti dentist? Okay, now I'm like just kind of throwing random words together. Last time minus extras 64645, this time 97470. This is just like numbers and spaghetti and dentist? I'm like what the hell? I'm crazy! No, no. People think I'm the crazy one on this podcast and if you look at my notes app you'd have to agree Tom give me a word give me a weird word and if it's in my notes app, I will read whatever note What is this? batter

Zemos good battered battered gazebo. No, I want to know what kind of battered stuff Erin is eating in her notes app I mean spaghetti dentist. What the hell could I be thinking about? What is this? Um. Hey, I'm gonna have a to drill. Oh, Erin, another insane one for me. Oh, you know what it is?

All right, I have one gazebo. It's October 6th, 2018 at 3 48 p.m. I was coaching an improv team and I was watching their show. Okay. And I was complimenting that a gazebo was a really great place, location for one of their scenes. Interesting.

Interesting. I wonder what team this was. Maybe Great Lakes Activity Center? Truly unhinged shit in my notes app. Listen to this fucking nonsense. Bring doula paperwork with you to the hospital or upload it on my chart. Okay, I'm on some nutty, nutty shit over here.

Also, some improviser in 2018 said this line in that improv show. Who knows who it was? Just give the kids candy, Diane. And then I wrote Vatican City, I'm dying. I don't know what that means. Erin, this is a real question. Do you archive any of this stuff

or delete any of these notes? Because if I did notes for an improv rehearsal, those would all go into the trash the moment I'm done with the improv rehearsal. I have hoarding things. Oh. Stuff like this. Here's an actual note, and I don't know if this is funny.

I bet moving day is a bitch on Sesame Street because everyone keeps trying to make you learn something. Is that funny? I do like it. There's something there, yeah. Everyone keeps trying to put their old stuff at Oscar's house. I'm double parked, and yeah, Oscar scan is on a, it's a street cleaning on that side of the street. You're like, I'm double parked. And yeah, Oscar scan is on a it's a street cleaning on that side of the street. You're like, I'm double parked. I'm just trying to move.

I'm moving to a new neighborhood. And they're like, oh, neighborhood and E. And you're like, I can't I can't with you. I'm so sorry. The meter's running. I should have just said place. I should have just said home. I'm so sorry. Far. Yeah, it's pretty far away.

Near. No, it's pretty far away. Near? No, it's about an hour 15 from here, buddy. I'm so sorry. You've been great though. You've been awesome. Can you lift? Can you lift a box? Do you have knees?

Oh my gosh. Erin, did you just realize we're doing a Riddle podcast and we're 12 minutes in and we haven't done a single Riddle? Yes, and I'm old man puzzles. I kind of forgot. I remembered at the beginning of the episode and then I started looking at my notes up and then I went up.

Now which beginning, Aaron? Because there were two beginnings to this episode. Oh yes, I guess I do have a reset. There was the one that we all were present for and there was the one that you reset us into. Hello, hey, she doesn't even say hello. No, that's not it. Hey, Adel, hey Aaron, hey JPC.

I've got a bone to pick with you. No way. I have some riddles to pick with you. There's some bones to you. I have some riddles. Some of the, what word riddles you did last week. Yeah, I'm dating this email. You're exposed once again.

I respect it. Dating an email? I thought these were a lot of fun, so I thought you'd send, I thought those were a lot of fun, so I thought I'd send you some of my own. Hope you like them. Love the podcast and look forward to possibly hearing

you solve these this year. Or I'm going to go with 2028. Nope. We're in 2024. Damn, Erin got to them first. Otherwise it would have been 2028. It truly would have been. So I think what Erin and JPC are doing is

it's almost like Lady and the Tramp style. JPC is starting at the back of the piece of spaghetti. Erin is starting at the front of a piece of spaghetti. And eventually we'll meet and fight to the death. And there's so many times when Erin and I get the front and the back of the spaghetti confused because I'm like, no, that's obviously the back of the spaghetti. You can tell because it's saucier. Yeah.

That's where the poop comes from. And you guys will kiss around 2021, late 2021 maybe? You know what, GBC, we should decide what happens when we meet in the middle. When we're gonna kiss? When we're gonna kiss. Then when we meet in the middle, because whoever email that's on,

should we send them a prize? Should we hunt them for sport? What happens with that middle email? Erin, not that we shouldn't decide, but like, but I'll when when that happens, I'll be 46 years old and I'll be like, oh, So really ready to hunt someone? Still young, still very young. Still very young, still very young, but I will, I'll have other stuff going on in my life that I have to worry about. But I will, I'll have other stuff going on in my life that I have to worry about.

Now, we'll still be doing the podcast for sure, but. You won't be worrying about it. No. All right, so these are from Mackenzie. When I'm 46 and that's like 11 years from now and you bring up spaghetti, I might fucking tear up. That's gonna make me cry. There's gonna be a time in the near future

where we can't really talk about spaghetti on the show anymore. All right, we're 15 minutes in and we're talking about our dogs dying? I don't love this. I don't love this. Spaghetti just had a birthday, six years old. We picked the date arbitrarily

because she's a rescue. So we don't really know what the birthday is, but just had a birthday and she's got a little gray beard now. She's got a little gray beard. Blue is six and she's gray and it's devastating. Anyways. That means they're 40.

Like they're in their 40s. These are from Mackenzie. What are you doing? Tin Excel rectangle. And sorry, what's the format of this? It's the what word riddles. So you have to guess two words and then they combine into one word. So tin. You have to guess two words and then they combine into one word.

So tin. And then the second word is Excel rectangle. And those two words when you mush them together, mush is the correct term. The second word is Excel rectangle. Spreadsheet. Yeah. Well, no, that's not the second. The second word is a different word for Excel rectangle. So it's a different word for tin.

Different word for Excel. Aluminum spreadsheet. Tin. Oh, oh, interesting. Aluminum. You're going with that version of tin. Um, metal, tin. What did you say? Can. Can. Do. And then Excel rectangle. Excel rectangle. Rhombus. And this is forming one word? Mm-hmm. This is so- So can is the first half of the word. Oh, car? Can car? No. Can car.

Excel rectangle, what do you call it? Well, a rectangle that accelerates is a car. What do they call it when you're like cutting- A cell? Cancel. Cancel. Cancel, yes. Cancel culture.

And it's cancel culture. I'd like to see a scene. JPC, it's your first day on, actually, I'm gonna reverse this. Adel, it's your first day on the job. JPC, you are the boss. on, actually, I'm gonna reverse this. Adil, it's your first day on the job. JPC, you are the boss. And Adil, you lied on your resume that you could use Excel and all other computer programs that they use in an office,

but you were lying. Well, you know, we're absolutely so glad to have you. As you can see, the data here is an absolute mess. So really what we're looking to do is kind of collate everything Organize it make sure that it's all matching up with the year and matching up with the paper records, which you do have Yeah, and it better collate than ever Listen, yeah

If it's not too much to ask I'd love to see something by the end of the day just to see where you're at and kind Of like, you know get it get a gauge of how much work we actually have here. Absolutely actually if you just want to watch over my shoulder I'll show you what I can do right now. Okay so let's do this. So you have a mouse right? We got you a mouse? Yes but I prefer I prefer to just sort of try and move the cursor with my mind. Okay, you're fired. Huh? Yeah, you're fired. It's your last day here. I don't know what I was thinking.

Do I get any sort of compensation package or golden parachute or something? A golden parachute? Yeah. I guess I ultimately don't know what that is and I just thought better to ask better to beg forgiveness than to ask what a golden parachute is okay well you know it's good that you asked for it no um what we'll have is we'll have security come by here in a couple of minutes rough you up a little bit not the face can I just ask can I ask a request not the face I'm not a micromanager

I don't know if you notice that about me, but I don't I don't micromanage So I'll have the come over ruffy up a little bit Um you have a few minutes to gather any of your belongings and then anything you didn't bring anything No, but I do have one. What are all these pictures whose children are these? I don't know came with the frame Hey, where's my picture of my daughter? Hey, I'm missing my pictures too okay so you've yeah you gotta get out of here you gotta get the fuck out of here you gotta leave my picture you well what's that if it would have played out if I would have stuck around in two weeks I would have given

it back with a piece of candy and said your family says hi you called for security yeah the face do the face I'm usually yeah, but this is a face this here This guy's either not the face or only the face see Okay, this one's hard. Okay. I'm gonna give you a hard one, but I think you can handle it Mackenzie thinks you can handle it I think you can handle it The collective thinks you can do this Bodily digit. Bodily digit?

A dead priest abbreviated. Bodily digit, so toe or finger? Yep. Toe? Mm-hmm. Toe. And then a dead priest? Abbreviated.

Abbreviated. A good start, you know what I'm saying? ADP? A dead priest. ADP. ADP. No, so abbreviated. A good start, you know what I'm saying? ADP? ADP. No, so it's abbreviated. I don't know what abbreviated means, but also realize what you're asking. So like fa.

It's a word that has a common abbreviation to it. Oh. You put before someone's name. Precepts. So we got toe. Like what's a holy person when they're dead and they did a really good job. Saint. Esquire.

Toe Saint. Toe Saint. Toe Saint. Allen Toussaint. Toedad Saint. Toe Deceased Saint. Toast. What?

Toast. T. It's abbreviated Saint. Oh, it's abbreviation for Saint. Like the abbreviation for street. Yes. Yeah, street's abbreviated, Saint. Oh, it's abbreviation for Saint. Like a school. Like the abbreviation for St. Martin's. Yes. Yeah, St. Martin's. All Saints.

Yeah. Erin, what song did All Saints sing? Who, I don't know, man. Come on. I'm just here for the snacks. What about Bewitched? I'm just here for the snacks. Thank you.

I say you do what I don't. That one was hard, Erin, and it was was actually too hard and it made my tummy hurt I'm sorry Explosive inlet I just want to say very quickly because I just learned this and I thought this was fascinating they just made a Saint out of a kid Who I think he died when he was 14 or something and he died like 97, 98. Yeah, this is the first millennial saint. Yeah, and I just thought that was fascinating.

And he received sainthood because I think he was like helpful through the internet somehow. He made a website which is still up. It's like an angel fire site and it looks like a relic of the old internet. How appropriate, angel fire. Angel fire, but the criteria, I don't even know where I heard this, but the criteria to become a saint, you have to like do two miracles.

And like one of his miracles that he did was like- Was a really cool skateboard trick. He cleared cookies back when that was impossible. He had a sweatshirt that like some, he gave to someone else who was sick and then that person got better. And like they're're like miracle. And I'm like, wow. What are miracles? They're like a Rocco's Modern Life, like Gaddzook sweater, you know, like I've better know like this is a holy this is like the Shroud of Turin, but it's a Rocco's Modern

Life Gaddzook sweater. Yeah. So congratulations to that guy who is dead, but is now a saint, which I gotta say, probably pretty cool. Very low chances that any of us become saints, huh? What do we think? I don't know, well I heard that sweatshirt story and now I feel like I could maybe do it. Well Erin-

Yeah, for sure I could do it. Erin, I hope you realize that you have already performed one miracle, which is- Which is? Performing a podcast with JPC and I. Yeah, that is a miracle. So you already have one miracle out of the way I would love to be a saint I will have if you know how like I always fucking forget who you pray to who do you pray to when you lose something

Is it st. Peter? It's not st. Peter No What would you pray to what whatever what if you were a saint Oh, you would people pray to you for to help? Like Saint Anthony is the patron saint of lost things. What's Aaron gonna be the patron saint of? I would be the patron saint you'd pray to

to get out of an escape room. I would say that Adil, you're gonna be the patron saint of waking up after noon. Yeah, you pray and you're like, it's 7 a.m., can I go back to bed and wake up at 4.30? Yeah. Ah, God, what would I be the patron saint of? I feel like anything that I would be the patron saint of,

they'd be like, yeah, you're the patron saint of chaos. And they'd be like, is chaos a good thing? And they're like, do a quick, look at him. Oh, let's see, horns, red skin. No, wait a second, I don't think this guy's a saint. I have one for you, JPC. It's one of these devil creatures. This is something I leaned on you just a few days ago

when I sent you a text with little Bobby White. I think you should be the saint that people pray to when they're buying a new car. Or not even a new car, any car from a curse, a curse dealership, because dealership, because you, I feel like you know all the ins and outs. You're very good about that. So I feel like you would be the saint where it's like,

I'm about to buy a car. I'm going to do this quick prayer to Saint JBC. And hopefully that will imbue me with the patience and power. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's a great one. That's that's a that's a better quality. And then, Aaron, you could be the patient saint of I don't do Mondays.

Me. Garfield, St. Garfield. Yeah, fuck you, St. Garfield. Out of the way. St. Garfield, you're out. Out of the way. Your lasagna ass is out of the, what is it, Catholic canon?

Whatever, that's catechism, doesn't matter. Oh, have you ever been to church and they bring out the Catholic canon, they're shooting T-shirts all over the place, and you're like, yoink, yoink. Let's hear it for the pope. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Have you ever been to church and he bring out the Catholic Canon or shooting t-shirts all over the place? You're like young going Shooting those like priest vestments out. This is like fucking Catholic t-shirt cannon. Yeah, gaudy audacious priest robes holy water and Hell yeah, that's sure I would go to that church

Yeah, if tonight's priest gets a hundred homilies everyone gets a free Hell yeah. That church, I would go to that church. Yeah. If tonight's priest gets a hundred homilies, everyone gets a free Dunkin' Donut. Instead of a priest, there's a DJ? Explosive inlet. Explosive inlet. Uh, Bomb Island. Boom Peninsula. Bomb...

Bombay. Yes. Bombay. Oh, Coach Gordon-Gombay from the Mighty Ducks. Mm-hmm. I do want to see a scene. Greed is good. Wrong movie, but correct family.

I want to see a scene. Aaron. And hey, this is, I'm not trying to be, I'm not trying to upset anyone. This is the actual plot to Mighty Ducks. Aaron, you got a DUI, and as punishment, you do have to coach a youth hockey team. You've seen Mighty Ducks. You love it. JPC is the only player who showed up,

and you're trying to figure out what the next move is. Okay, kids, gather round. I got a second DUI my way here, so I'm not feeling my best. Hey, kid, where are your friends? It's just me that I know of. I've been waiting for 10 minutes. I was actually going to leave. Where are all the other kids?

I guess nobody wants to play hockey except me. What? I guess you're probably thinking like there's no way that one kid could play a whole hockey game by himself Yeah, there's no way one kid could play a whole hockey games by himself I'm in my redemption arc here, and I can motivate people But I can't motivate one kid one kid going quack quack quack is pathetic a bunch of kids going quack quack quack is cool Quack is pathetic a bunch of kids going quack quack quack is cool There's no reason no need to teach me one kid how to you know play hockey you know I

Guess big waste of time. Why are you kicking at the ground like that like you want me to say something else That is insane you'd get eaten alive out there. You're tiny Okay,'t guess one 60 pound kid can't go out on the ice with a bunch of pads and play hockey. Even though a 60 pound kid could be pretty fast, could be pretty agile out there because he doesn't have a lot of math slowing him down. Could be pretty good at hockey. Hey. My kid. You know what kid? I didn't think I could get two DUIs in one week. Yet here I am. You're right. Let's do it.

You got you got a DUI on the way over here, but they just let you come. Yeah. They called it a hat on a hat. Can. It's like double jeopardy. We do this in a montage. Me motivating you or do you want to go through the whole thing step by step? I'd like to go through the whole thing because I feel like a montage. I'm not really going to be getting anything out of it. That's more for like the viewer of this. I'd like to go through the whole thing because I feel like a montage. I'm not really gonna be getting anything out of it

That's more for like the viewer of this. Okay. Let's run some drills in real time Cowards start showing training in real time. Erin can I just say um, I think it was last episode our 310 to you episode We were talking about somebody trying to use a hey, we're the real JPC quote in their high school yearbook as their quote. I think kids should use the quote. If a bunch of kids yell quack, quack, quack, that's cool. 2025 graduating class. In high school, some member of my administration would legitimately say if it sounds like a duck, or if it quacks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it's a duck like all the time to justify like you are you know I'm making this judgment call about you because of the way that you behave type of thing

And I think that's is that from Mighty Ducks that they're quite like a duck thing No, I think that's an old adage Either way, I thought it was very stupid Addage Either way, I thought it was very stupid But you know Cuz in cuz in the Mighty Ducks famously if it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck It's a 13 year old in your playing hockey right like yeah, don't shoot it a lot Don't eat it

Jokes on you you just hit a kid dummy now you go to jail for eating a kid cuz you thought it was a duck stupid crack crack Joke's on you, you just hit a kid, dummy. What are you doing? Now you go to jail for eating a kid because you thought it was a duck. Stupid. Crack, crack. Remember the knuckle puck? No. Dog treat error correcting filler word. What? Dog treat error correcting filler word? Biscuit, biscuit, treat, treat us, treat. Treat us, treat us. Biscuit, biscuit, treat, treat us, treat, treat us, treat us.

Biscuit, milk bone, milk boner, milk boner. Bone? You got it. Milk bone, er. Boner. Bone, er. Er, yeah, filler word. I feel like er is the most underused of the filler words.

Like that feels like a very like, like John F. Kennedy impression filler word. Er, I, I, er, er, er, er. I remember when I was a freshman in college, I was a theater student. You remember 100 years ago? Come on, come on. Shakespeare had just invented the stage.

Yay! I was a freshman theater student. I was auditioning for my first show in college. And there was, it was some play where there's written E-H. So it was like, I said some line and then it was like dot dot dot E-H. And I remember doing the read during the audition and I was like, maybe I should just go around back.

Eh? Yeah? And I was trying to, I was like, I've never... Is this a cold read? Yeah, but I'm like, I did plays, absolutely, I did plays in high school and I don't remember ever seeing EH as like a, you know, any sort of mitigator. And so I was just like, yeah? And then you see the play and someone's like, I should just go around back, huh?

Like, casually, like they just make the sound, you're like, oh, that's how you do just like. Yeah, you're just saying E-H. Yes, but I like. I guess I should go around back. Yeah? Yeah. Boy, what an idiot I am. I do think it's funny to see high school plays.

The best part about seeing plays from like people who are in high school or grade school is they are never playing characters that are in high school or grade school. They're playing like 40 year olds. This person looks like they are 15 years old and they're like playing a 40 year old and they're saying stuff like, I guess I should go around back. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh no. I oftentimes think about when I saw a neighboring high school, Duke guys and dolls and they had like the littlest, the littlest freshmen boy in old makeup singing the more I cannot wish you than to wish you find your love. It just a grandpa singing about how he hopes his granddaughter finds love one day. And I was like, that's the smallest child I have ever seen. I think previous friend of the show in previous guests, Becca Barish, I believe

when she was in high school, she was cast as like a pretty, a pretty big part in Once on this Island, which is not that never happened to me. Not a show kids should be doing. I was not T-Moon Ones from this Island. Oh wait, was that you? I don't wanna talk about it. Maybe it was you and not Becca.

No, probably Becca. It was probably someone else. Anyways, fifth letter of the alphabet, last one before break, fifth letter of the alphabet in quiet contemplation, and these are flipped. Eh? Well the fifth letter of the alphabet is not. The fifth letter of the alphabet in quiet contemplation and these are flipped. Eh? What's the fifth letter of the alphabet? The fifth letter of the alphabet and quiet contemplation.

So it will end with the fifth letter of the alphabet. Meditate-y. Meditate-y. Reflection-y. This one's a hard word to get I feel like. Quiet contemplation? But kind of serious. Zin.

Call me. Zin-ay. No, like. The pasta. Ooh, some petulzine. It is a food. The word that we're finding at the end is if oh It's a food like someone who's like stoic and serious Oh spaghetti

No, don't go spaghetti Seriously I'm monotony macaroni No Sir, I'm monotony macaroni No, it's Tony macaroni monotony monotony macaroni is the title of this episode Invented the radio right this is also It sounds like a guy's name That's like in the Bible Monotony macaroni sound God is no character. I'm just gonna tell you and then we're gonna go on break. Okay?

No, Aaron, describe the food. Help describe the food. It would have been, from last episode, in that meat house. Prosciutto-y. Yeah, what else is on that board? Salami. Yeah. Salam, solem.

Yes. Solem plus e. Yes. That is a name from the Bible. Let's go on a break. One, two, three, four, eight, eight, two, three, four. from the Bible. Let's go on a break. Hey, Adil, sorry to barge in here. Can you get off your Helix sleep mattress for just this? I know you looked pretty deep asleep. I'm so comfortable asleep. Yeah. What's what's

up, man? So, um, you know, Aaron's obviously not here. We just got another email from the American girl doll people. Apparently there was a mix up with the email, the first email. I didn't want Aaron to know about this. They were emailing Aaron Rodgers. They wanted Aaron Rodgers to be Destiny of the American Girl, just because of some of the things that he's publicly stated and stuff like that. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Has Aaron Keefe thrown for 1,500 yards a season or? She's gotten close. Anyway, I don't know how to break it to her. And I don't also want to break it to her because I can see her over there in the corner sleeping on her Helix Sleep mattress. And we all know, we love Helix Sleep on the show and Erin is no exception.

Erin actually even got her Helix sleep mattress shipped straight to her door free of charge and all she had to do was take a brief quiz on the Helix sleep website to get matched with her perfect mattress type. Oh yeah Gemma and I have a midnight Lux which GBC you're sitting on right now Gemma's asleep and the cats also love it they all like to crawl in here and relax. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including their award-winning Lux and Ultra Premium Elite collections and the Helix Plus, a mattress design for big and tall sleepers. I think that both applies to Aaron Rodgers. I just assume all football players are humongous, so I don't know.

And hey, speaking of your spine being pretty messed up, if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you covered. Every Helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top. It's the perfect combination of comfort and support. But don't take our word for it, even though you really should.

You should take our word for it, yeah. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired Magazine. It is even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for Improving your sleep and man Erin Keefe is really really tuckered out there. She is deep sleep Yeah, she's asleep and hopefully she doesn't sleep for 10 or 15 years But that would be okay because Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15 year warranty depending on the model

But right now Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Oh, Erin pinned a note to her shirt. It says, wake me up when September ends. Okay. She's pretty deep. She's pretty deep in it right now. Which September? Well, well, well, well nice try JPC. Pretty nice try. I stuck you in a well. I did everything I wanted to do.

Yes, you also thought I would be subscribed to your silly little insult a week subscription that I signed up for the free trial of several months ago. But guess who caught it for me? Dang! Rocket Money, they are a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills all so that you can grow your savings.

Nice try, JPC. Adel, you're still subscribed to JPC's Weekly Sneeze, right? Oh yeah, and I love last week's that was like, wait till next week, you're still subscribed to JPC's Weekly Sneeze, right? Oh, yeah. And I love last week's that was like, wait till next week, you're going to get it. Yeah. Dude, so good.

Love to keep them waiting. But I also am subscribed to Rocket Money's services. No! Sorry, it's just that Rocket Money will even try and negotiate lower bills for you up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with the customer service for you. I hate dealing with customer service.

And for everyone that keeps requesting JPC's Weekly Sneeze sends you a copy of the bill. I said we don't do anything on paper. We don't, we can't have records for any of this stuff. So that's why there is no bill. Yeah, that makes sense. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. But you don't have to use all the features.

Like, for instance, if they say, hey, why don't you cancel JPC's weekly sneeze? You're not getting anything from it. The title doesn't make any sense. It's a sneeze and insult to him. Like, what does this even mean? So you can you can like if that's a notification that pops up, you can just ignore silence and be like, actually, I really do want this. It's like very valuable to me for the weekly sneeze. It actually does make sense because a sneeze is like an insult in some cultures.

Wait, Rocket Money is saying that this is $250 a week? That's weekly. It's a weekly. Anyway, stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions, not JPC's weekly sneeze, by going weekly anyway. Stop wasting money on things You don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions not GPCs weekly sneeze by going to rocket money.com Slash riddle that's rocket money dot-com slash riddle rocket money dot-com slash riddle. I Choose you to subscribe to this newsletter. I got that one off a Valentine's card That's actually pretty good resubscribe This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Hey everyone, before you get upset, just know that Erin Keefe has been cast as Destiny Tarot, the new American Girl doll. We're not sure what that means if she'll be in the movies, if she'll be packaged up herself, but we're so happy for her and the next step in her career. Yeah, it's very unclear. We all read the same email. It didn't really delineate between, would this be something that is done on a Hollywood set,

where there would be cameras, or would this be done in a factory where they seal her into plastic and then use those little ties to hold her arms and neck to the box? We don't know. It's, you know, we all have the same information. We all have the same information and we all have the same website that we built with Squarespace.

We assume you can go to Aaron's destiny dot something. We actually don't remember what the website is right now, but it's not important because we use Squarespace to build it. And it's the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether we're just starting out or managing a growing brand, which we assume this air and American girl doll thing is going to be a growing brand. Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on our terms and not entirely our terms because again, we're kind of the American Doll Corporation,

we're kind of at their mercy a little bit with what they choose to let us include. Big doll, swings a mighty big hammer. But with Squarespace, you can check out even video collections, which Erin has posted. You can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful video pages. I think there's some takes of Erin trying to get

into character as Destiny Tarot. I think she's like a of Erin trying to get into character as Destiny Tarot. I think she's like a psychic American girl doll, which is kind of fun. It's like an X-Men maybe. Yeah, and unclear how much character she needs or if she just needs to be very still for a long period of time. But no matter what she does, Squarespace always has you covered with flexible payments. They make checkout seamless for your customers

with the simple but powerful payment tools that you can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in eligible countries, offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with after pay and clear pay. Also, you can check your analytics with Squarespace. Measure your end-to-end online performance with powerful website and seller analytics. Get insights on top traffic sources. Understand how your reach is growing. Track sales metrics, user

psychic ability to garner information about Aaron's new doll, and learn where to focus new engagement. You can do all that by going to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And remember to check out erinisdestiny.american.girls.website.real and real is on all caps. I kid you not, you have to do it on all caps.com. Congratulations Aaron, we're so happy for you. Aaron JBC, it's me Adol. I got turned into a monster and now I have to sleep under my Helix mattress.

You know, because like the monster under the bed. Okay, so you're you're the month now you're the monster under the bed. But the monster of the bed is something that applies to all mattresses, not just Helix sleep. You know, like a Helix sleep mattress monster. Uh, I don't think so. But I wonder I want to sleep on my Helix sleep mattress, not under it. Does that make sense? Adol, I love you, but it's just like, I just want to make it very clear that like,

well, yeah, I mean, not as you are now. I mean, I love the version of you in my head. I just want to make it clear that like, Helix Sleep doesn't create the monsters, right? Like the monsters exist in mattress, you know, regardless, they're bed monsters. You just happen to have a Helix Sleep mattress, which is a great mattress.

Yeah, well, I think I love my Helix Sleep so much, I think it turned into this like monstrous love, or maybe it was the witch. Yeah, I mean, we do wanna avoid saying stuff like that, you know, obviously. I mean, I get it though, because I have a Midnight Lux Helix mattress, and boy howdy, do I sleep well at night.

I took the Helix Sleep quiz, and they offer a lineup of over 20 unique mattresses including their award-winning Lux and Ultra Premium Elite collections, the Helix Plus, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and the Helix Kids mattresses designed for growing bodies and endorsed by children sleep experts. And you know what's insane is even when I sleep under it, the monster under the bed, it's still so comfortable. Even sleeping under a Helix Sleep Masters. Well, I mean, Helix knows that their mattresses are comfortable, but they still offer a 100 night trial

and a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out your new Helix Sleep mattress. And also, Helix knows that everyone's unique. Some people are monsters, some people are people, okay? Everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix knows that everyone's unique. Some people are monsters, some people are people, okay? Everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences.

And right now, Helix is offering monster savings. Okay, where's he going with this? Helix is offering up to 30% all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. Go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash Riddle. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. And the mattress obviously won't turn you into a monster.

Like it's something that is broken inside of Adol that made him into the monster because of his love of the mattress. But it's like, get the mattress, you're fine. Nobody fine nobody becomes a monster. Just do a slow fade on that. I realize it's gonna go on for a long time. I look exactly the same but just my voice and just my voice is different now I can stop it was just a character. Oh! I'm gonna take a nap. It's just a character. Attention all parishioners, please help me welcome to the dais your priest Adol Refine! Glow sticks, glow sticks, glow sticks, glow sticks.

Ow! Oh! I'm healed. How's everybody doing? Incense bomb. Shh. I can't hear you, how's everybody doing? Catholic. Does anybody here have sin? Boo.

Raise the roof. To the manger that Jesus will be born. They should let me do church. I can do it fun! I can do fun church. I always got in trouble going to Catholic school doing fun church. Ahhhh. You know, yeah.

JPC would do fun. I would do fun church. And cut to me with a cult of people. And be like, Uh, yeah, this is a really fun church. It seems like we're giving you all of our money and wives. What's up, man? with a cult of people. Yeah, this is a really fun church. It seems like we're giving you all of our money and wives. Let's not pass a collection plate. Yeah, it's fun for me.

Let's pass a mix CD. Write a song on it. And then put some money on the mix CD. Yeah, put some money on the mix CD. Sound, we're still doing these Mackenzie riddles. Sound of a bell, Cinderella mouse. Ring-gus. Ring-gus. Different sound of a bell, Cinderella Mouse. Ring-guss. Ring-guss.

Different sound of a bell. Dingus, you fucking dingus. Wow. Ring-a-ding-ding-guss. Discard from one's life, boring. What was the first part? Discard from one's life, boring. Throw hole.

I'm getting. Trashed. I'm discarded. I'm getting. Trashed. I'm discarded. I'm getting rid. Rid. Boring. I'm getting rid. No, it's not, it's just rid. Moving for one word.

Rid. Yeah, but then you said boring, right? Boring, yeah. But rid's the first part, right? Yeah. Boring. Rid snooze. Riddle, riddle, riddle.

Riddle. The name of our show. Name of our show is Riddle? Wait, are they saying our show is boring? Why, just because it takes us 15 minutes to start an episode? Starting the episode's actually the hardest part. Hey, GPC, come here.

Middle's hard too, finishing is really bad. Hey, come here. Yeah. Remember your back first thing. Ow, ow. Yeah, oh God, why is, I don't wanna know, actually. He has cactus spikes in his back at all. Doctor says I have extra spines back there.

Okay, I'm just saying, we don't have to, and Al, you actually, this is relevant to you too. Come here, come here, guys. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to defend this. You don't have to die on the hill that is hate-ridden. Okay? Like, we don't have to. Come on, don't have to die on the hill that is Haverhill. Okay? Like, we don't have to-

Come on, we have to at least try. No. Yeah, Erin, I just, um, I just, while we were talking just now, I just went on Zillow and bought a old church to make a fun church. Okay, we're gonna- That's how committed I am.

I'm gonna- We're a sneeze away from being a cult at all. There's an old church in my neighborhood that is for sale. We could buy an old church. Let's read from the good Kindle. We could really do something. This could be a fun thing that we do that we could apologize for.

When people criticize it, we can go, you're right. You're right. We don't have to go, we love doing that 15 minutes of bullshitting at the time. We don't have to do that anymore. If we could pivot this whole thing into a religion though, Erin, I mean, come on. That's where the devotion is. This comes up like once a month, and that's just a lot of work. And then who would be the father, the son, the Holy Ghost? How much would you like to be a virgin?

Erin would definitely be the Holy Ghost. Ah! That's my- that's my self. My self. Adol, how would you like to be a virgin? I just didn't wake up thinking that JPC this morning was a- Aaron, how much would you like to be a virgin again? Who's the father, who's the son, and who's the Holy Ghost?

And then I'll agree to your dumb little religion. I'm the only father on this show, so obviously I have to be the father. I can't be the virgin, because people would see my seed and they'd point to my progeny and they'd say, I call bullshit. Oh, what if we do, instead of baptize, what if we boptized people?

They get dunked in water, but it's to their favorite song. Boptized. Oh my God, yeah. Let's get people boptized. If you email hrrpodcast.gmail.com, if you want to be boptized, what song? We should do this, guys. This is the part they're gonna play in the documentary.

I just put it down payment. On an HBO in four years, they're gonna play this and they go, some cults start on a podcast and they toss the R voices right now are on the documentary. Wait, Erin, I already have a tattoo of the podcast. And people get the confirmation that it's just a read. We just line them up and we're like, big teeth, bad hair. And that's just one person. We just like, we just line them up and we're like big teeth, bad hair.

And that's just one person. That's one person. Oh man. Okay. That's Walter Goggins. Uh-huh. What are we doing? Riddles.

Yeah. When do we want them? Now. No one answered my father, son, holy ghost question so I'm not in. Does anyone here have sin? Boo. Boo.

Booing sin. Casey, would Casey, if we started a cult, would you- Edit it? Would you be one of our joiners? One of our first joiners? Casey's charm is pulling people in? I will only accept commander who is the first to die in a shootout with the cops. Oh, okay. First of all.

Wow. So I want a position of power, but you can end me early. Okay, Janet did apply for that position, but. Nobody's dying. Wow. Okay. Casey, for you, I'm thinking more like you're sitting in a chair and you're like, my knee has hurt so bad, I can't really stand up.

And then JPC touches, puts his finger in your ear and then suddenly you can walk. Hold on, let me load up sexy saxophone before you finish the rest of what you're talking about. Well, it's implied, sexy saxophone is implied. Yeah, we'll give positions of power to like Sandy, Arnie, Parrot, Janet, Casey, of course, all your favorites are gonna be in the cult.

All the classics. I think it would also, yeah, Dr. Chameleon will be there in the cult. I think it would be very funny to start a cult. Like, we're like, no illusions about what this is. This is a cult. It's a cult of personalities, and that's it. It's not a church, it's not like a gathering,

it's not a community, it's a cult. And church or riddle sounds too weird. Like, chittles are like, what's a good? Chittles gave me the chittles. I just got the chittles as well. I saw the chittles work through Erin and then they entered into me and I, ooh. God, I think I still have the chittles.

I think... Roach? Roach, is that something? I got the chittles. I can't go out. I can't go to the movies. I got the chittles. Okay, we have to do riddles.

You get shivers from eating too many skittles? If we're gonna, we need a foundation of riddles for this cult, okay. Underworld encounter. Hell meet, hellscape, hell. Is hell right? Underworld. Hell is right.

Encounter, hell. I. Hell meet up, hell. Hell meet cute, hell meet you tell It's an encounter Helmeting helmet helmet. Yes helmet helmet. Yes. Hell and hell met Um hell met stranger I'd like to see a scene you are two people who just crashed your bikes into each other by accident

And it was clear that one of you is wearing a helmet and one of you was not. And you can decide in the scene. Oh, my Schwinn! Oh man, my whole shit is busted up! Hey man, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you okay? I think I'm okay.

God, the impact must have knocked both of our helmets off. Both of our helmets off? We were both wearing helmets, right? Yeah, I mean now obviously we're not wearing helmets, but I think it's just cuz the helmet protected us and then it got knocked off in the crash. Yeah, oh wait look right in between our bikes. There's a big pool of blood. So before you touch the back of your head and confirm who's bleeding, Yeah, oh wait look right in between our bikes. There's a big pool of blood so Before you touch the back of your head and confirm who's bleeding

We should try and figure this mystery out which of us started bleeding well first of all there obviously in the big pool of blood is a Helmet a big helmet. Yeah, and so I had a red helmet. Do you know what color your helmet was red? Well, it was like a magenta like a dark magenta Yeah, it's like a sticky red like an off magenta. Yeah, this helmet's all covered in blood. So we can't really Can't really tell Okay, uh, it's the only helmet I see so it's one of our helmets yeah Yeah, oh, well the helmet's held on by a chin strap, so. Oh, yeah.

Do either of us have like a, like you feel like you just wore a chin strap? You know that feeling when you take off a helmet and you're like, oh, the chin strap was really bothering me. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, I have that too. I have that sensation. I have that sensation, but it could just be

that I got hit in the neck by the handlebars of my bike when I came up. Here's the thing. Yeah. Helmet head, right? Like helmet hair? Oh yeah. You got helmet hair?

Yeah. Well, they're both bald. Both bald guys. Mm, we're both sort of Charlie Browning it. Okay, I mean. What else, what else, what else? There's gotta be a way to figure out who's helmet this was. Oh, maybe.

We're very disoriented, so that's why it's hard for us to think, obviously, because we got a big bike bike head on bike collision. Maybe a name written on the inside of the helmet. Yeah. Yes. A name written on the inside of the helmet. Okay. So we just turn the helmet upside down. Okay. It says Mark.

My name is Steven. What's your name? My name is also Steven. Yeah. But Mark's a good name. But Mark's a good name. That's the first name I think of. I would, yeah. My first, my gut would say go to my first my gut would say go to Mark My gut would say go to Mark. Hey, maybe I should mind my business, but you should go to the hospital. Oh

Oh my god, this is embarrassing for you. We're ghosts Yeah, we have to we we died and we have to read it. We died in a bike crash here like and now we have to start over so thanks Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. What did I do? Mark? Mark, is this your helmet? Yes. Well, it's covered in ghost blood. Scene.

All right, we're going to do some more from Mackenzie. Perfect. Mackenzie is carrying us through this episode. Do you feel Mackenzie's presence getting us? Yes. It takes, it takes a village. It takes a Mackenzie. I will say that I feel Mackenzie's presence getting us? Yes. It takes a village. It takes a Mackenzie. I will say that I feel Mackenzie's fingers, but it doesn't feel like they're holding a lot of weight. I wouldn't call what Mackenzie's doing to me carrying.

I don't dislike it, but I don't especially like it. Terse acknowledgement, male hoofed animal. Like I would say maybe the most irritating response to a text that you can get. Terse acknowledgement. Thumbs up. No, that's annoying. No response. That's also annoying. Left on red.

Very funny, Aaron. No. Okay. K. K. That's the terse acknowledgement. K. K. That's the ter signal. K there. And then what's male hoofed animal? Name some.

Colt. K colt. K cup. Male. So a ram. A goat. A boar. A bison. You're getting close. Definitely something you don't want in your store,

breaking glass. Cable? Cable, cable! Yes, bull. Cable, bull. I would like to see a scene. I went off to the worst X-Men. Addle, you own a fine china shop,

and JBC, you are a bull. We might have done this scene like four years ago. Does anyone else have deja vu right now? It doesn't matter. Well now I do. JPC you, if someone can find that scene, I will give you a high five. No one can find it. JPC you are a bull going to the China shop and you're a little bit annoyed that Adol seems like prejudging you for how you're going to behave in the store.

Got it. Can I help you with anything? I'm just browsing. I'm just browsing. Don't, yeah. Just- Can I bring you plates? Would you like me to,

I can hold them up for you and you can- Honestly, it's my wedding anniversary coming up. I'm just trying to- Congratulations. Thank you so much. Just trying to find something that I think my partner would like. I don't necessarily- Is your wife a cow?

Ah, I'm sorry? Is your wife a cow? Yes, not that it's any of your business, but my wife is a cow, yes. Something, something milk for free. What did you just say to me? It's just an expression, something, something milk for free. It's actually written on this. This is from the 1700s now This is a beautiful pearl inlay

And it comes with a matching okay Tea set yeah, okay as well as cutlery if you don't mind I mean, I appreciate the hard sell and you work on commission you're trying to sit off of this I'm just gonna kind of walk around the place look at the stuff that I kind of want to look at one day and install red curtains Okay, oh what's behind? Oh, okay, so I'm assuming by the red curtain is some of the naughtier China Let me just yes, it's Okay, oh and I I will to, since you've ripped those curtains down, I will have to, well, I know you don't,

you probably don't pay in cash. I mean, bulls usually charge, right? Visa, damage? Bullshit! No, can I use your bathroom? I have to do a, I have to do a bullshit. Common file compression format for each respectively. PDF.

MP3 party. MP3 share. Erin can you read it one more time? Common file compression format. Wave. Erin's picking up some soup. Erin's picking up soup. Zip, zip.

I am not picking up some soup. I'm a better at object work than that. Erin, not much better. Yeah. Sorry, my feelings are so hurt. I was clearly zipping something and JPC thought I was picking up some soup. Zipping up soup out of a ladle? Hold on, I'm gonna call IO really quick and ask for money back for all my improv classes.

I'm calling. Hello? I'm gonna call IO really quick and ask for money back for all my improv classes. I'm calling. Um, hi! Uh, is this the IO theater in Chicago? Hmm. Um, who- to whom am I speaking? Sharna's dog. Okay, so Sharna doesn't work there anymore, but Sharna's dog is due. Can you put, um, a human on the phone for me, buddy? Adam doing an absolutely brutal Stephen Plotkin brush up right now. He would like that.

I think he would laugh at that. Congratulations, Steve, the artistic director of IO. He's great. He's great. He's wonderful. I got nothing but good things to say about him. I would actually like to call, I'm gonna call back until I get my money back, so.

Erin, why don't you just deal with this the way any normal person would which is go to More improv classes go to chittle and take I want to say come Union No No! No! Please, anything but this! No! I've reached my limit! I'm done! No! Aaron, hold on, you didn't hear what come union was.

No! It's where one at a time, you go up in front of the church and you listen to a pig orgasm for 30 minutes. And then you return to your seat and you reflect on your beliefs. So has left my body and I'll never get it back. My soul has left my body and I'm never good. No, no, no. All of my least favorite Hey Riddle Riddle things are falling from the

ceiling. Your topic is come union, do whatever you think is fair with it. Oh God. This is fun, Erin. Guys, you just let that happen to me? You just let the laugh? Church is fun, church is fun again.

Church is fun. Why did I not go to church for so long? This is fun. Oh guys, I'm really, I'm at the, it's happening. The thing that can happen to me sometimes in these episodes is happening. Thank God we're almost done.

But then we have another episode after this. Then we're recording a Patreon. It sounds like the Virgin Erin is gonna have to work one of her famous miracles. Oh no. Erin for the Patreon, it's gonna be improvised chittles. No, I have a, I have a broken, I broke, it's broken. It's broken, my brain's broken.

It's broken. Oh no. You mean your attic meat? Your attic meat is spoiled? Something just happened to me. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Erin, you can get us back on track, right? Why don't some more riddles, huh? Huh? Erin, some more riddles.

Erin, some more riddles. Some more riddles. That'll be the balm that ease your wounds. I feel like you're trying to put one of those silver aluminum blankets over me after I just saw some sort of tragedy. Okay, yeah, I guess back to riddles. Aaron's eyes right now look like the nonverbal hyena from The Lion King.

So I'm okay. I'm at my stasis. She stasis. Remember when we went over who everyone would be in those trios, in like famous trios, and we thought we would all be him? Yeah. And I think we're lightheaded. Ooh. Uh-oh. That screaming actually made me kind of faint. The children are moving you. Aaron, have a cigarette. Away from the middle, ambulation. Jimmy E. World Run? Ambulation, like a walk.

Away from the middle. Away from the middle, sep walk. Edge, edge walk. Another word for edge. Corner. Rim, rim walk. Wait, what, but what's a word? Something walk.

Border, border walk. Out on the border walk. What's a word for edge. Corner. Rim, rim walk. Wait, what's a word, something walk? Border walk. On the border walk. What's a river walk? The famous river walk. I'm gonna go to this. Taxi. She's zipping up soup.

She's zipping up soup. How many does a triangle have? How many? Side. Sidewalk. Sidewalk. Sidewalk. Sidewalk. You know when you record Hey Riddle Riddle? And you scream so hard. How many side sidewalk sidewalk sidewalk sidewalk? You know, when you record a riddle riddle and you scream so hard and you scare your neighbors and then you feel like you're going to faint. You got to lay down.

How many does a triangle have? I would love if there's like a SWAT team at your door and you're like, no, no, no. Sorry for the alarm. I was just recording a riddle. But this is the. The. Oh, Aaron, do you need to take a break? I just need to breathe one second. I should take a sip of my Gatorade.

Hmm, are they a sponsor? The side of my vision is white. Erin, honestly, before you take a sip, we prefer water, because I don't think Gatorade is a sponsor. Yeah, and water gives us a lot of money. Ah. Well, we'll learn. Well, in the fun church, Aaron, in chittle, we turn water into Gatorade. How do we think about that, Aaron?

Water into Gatorade? Cucumber kind? It's the best one. No. Oh, it's the best one. No. By far. The second that becomes room temp, when it's ice cold, the first sip of that is good.

And then the second the cucumber one becomes room temp, you it's ice, ice cold, the first sip of that is good. And then the second, the cucumber one becomes room temp. You feel like you're drinking a melted popsicle or like spa water and you feel sick. I, I, spa water sounds delicious. What is spa water? Is spa water like the water out of the pool or like the water they give you at a spa? That's the same water idiot.

It's delicious. Oh, I thought it's the water that you cook spaghetti in. Spa water. The best water is hotel lobby water. Mmm. Get a nice hotel lobby with a nice little infuser where they're like, yeah, we threw some grapefruit in here. And I'm like, okay.

Taste the minerals. Mm-hmm. Horrify a messenger of Odin. Scare. Crow. Scare Thor. Yes, Scare Crow. We have three more and then maybe we get to a voicemail. Muggin and Muggin and Thor.

But I don't know if I asked Casey to upload one, so who knows. Maybe we get to a voicemail? You're holding this over me like a sword of Demi-Crow? Everyone's MySpace friend missing a couple of digits. Tom... Finger in Tom! Tom... That's the pervert that lives next door. Missing a couple of digits. Tom. Finger and Tom. Tom.

That's the pervert that lives next door. Missing a couple of digits. I wouldn't call him he doesn't live in. Tom club, Tom Tom club? Tom. That's a really good joke. I'm sorry. Sometimes you gotta give it up to a great joke.

Missing some digits, is Tom, Tom is the guy, right? The MySpace guy, okay. And then how many, but remember earlier we called digits, we used to wear digits for our- Toe, Tom toe. But when you're missing a couple of those, you have how many? Tom ate tomato.

Tomatoes. Tomatoes. Tom ate toes. Eight toes. Oh, two, okay. I wouldn't call what he does being a pervert, I mean, Tom ate toes. Eight toes. Oh, two, okay. I wouldn't call what he does being a pervert. I mean, Tom, eight toes. I guess you sucked him so hard he ate a couple.

Wow. Punch, disgusted exclamation. I suck him so hard I eat a couple. Oh, God. I'm gonna start screaming again. I'm gonna start screaming again, you guys. What was it, Erin? Say that again. Punch disgusted exclamation.

Punch disgusted. Jab you? Wow. Jab you, Rockies. It's like old timey punch. Clock. To clean somebody's clock. An old timey punch.

A roundhouse. I'm going to... It's a name of like an insect bug. Oh, praying mantis. No, salt kills them. Slug. Slug, what was the second part? Disgusted exclamation.

Slug you. Slug barf. This is more like sort of. The way I get you to get this. Slug meh. Yeah, you slug meh. Slug when you're feeling. Ish. Yeah.

Sluggish. Wait. Street dimple. Last one. Ish is a disgusted exclamation. Street dimple. Lay me down six feet on the ground. Is that them? Street dimple. That would be. Oh, that's sneaker pimps.

Road cheek. No. Street dimple. Street dimple. You be that sneaker pimps road cheek no street dimple Street dimple you get these in your car if someone hits your car dent Harvey dent rodent Okay, I've never had to crawl to the finish line of being old man puzzles more in my life Those are from Mackenzie. My name is Erin. I'm on a riddle podcast That's JPC. That's at all Casey, do we have a voicemail theme? Aaron, hold up today's newspaper so people know that you're still enjoying the podcast.

Oh my God, World War II ended. It's 1945 and the war ended. You can call me Riddle Riddle on 1805 Riddle 1 cuz famously It's a podcast where you can get your riddles and your puzzles done And famously, if you leave a message after the beat then that would be Phenomenal Wow! That sounded a lot like, do you remember that band 303? Oh yeah, yeah. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-d W-I-S-H-E-A-R-T. So it's like, it seems like it should be Wishart, but there'd be two H's if it was Wishart.

So it can be like, Wishart? Wishart? They're from New Zealand, from a place I cannot pronounce in New Zealand. But thank you, Morgan. Wishart? Is it from Wishart? Yeah, they're from Wishart. Wishart, New Zealand. Can't pronounce it. And we did love it. Casey, do we have a voicemail? Hey, this is Jeremy from Dallas. Question for Addle. Everybody in the world obviously gets a gift

from Santa on Christmas. But since he's your uncle, do you get two? Do you get the Santa gift and also a gift that's not quite as good because it's from your uncle that you don't see too often. Thank you, bye. Wow, great question, Jeremy. Wow, so if I'm understanding this right, Jeremy,

it boils down to what does uncle, uncle, uncle, what does uncle Santa gift you? You guys, we broke him. We broke these listeners. They just wanted a riddle podcast. No, they're asking questions like this. They'll take what they're given. So we all know like what Uncle Santa gives us because that's like the presents from Santa but this is Santa's canonically your uncle also Adel so you get two presents from Uncle Santa, correct?

Yes, it's almost exclusively life advice while he's drunk. Actually if I could let me just... The best kind of uncle present is life advice. If I actually, let's see here, if I dunk a brownie in some Johnny Walker blue label under the fireplace, he'll actually- Oh, oh, oh, oh, did someone just ruin a brownie? Hey, Uncle Santa. Hi, Uncle Santa.

Adorable boy! Aaron, and of course, where's your friend JPC? Dead. He's hiding. You scare him. Dead. I killed him. Ah, well, that's great news. I love it when a women take the initiative. Uncle Santa, somebody was asking me what kind of gifts you usually give me for Christmas,

and I was saying you usually give like weird drunk life advice. Do you mind kind of sharing sort of your whole deal, like the kind of advice that you give? Well, Adol, it's not Christmas yet, but I guess if you want me to give you an early Christmas present, that could be arranged. Yeah, absolutely. First, if I'm giving you a present,

I have to give one to everyone Erin here's a present for you Do I it's moving do I have to take this your virginity? Oh god? I don't want that man that must be nice. You can always return it. Yeah, I'm here's of course it is Course it is Sears of course it is Course it is Logan is keep it toy. Wait. I just had I just realized something we're joking like you guys don't think I'm a virgin

You can think I am a virgin. I've never lost my virginity. Well uncle said just got a Sit you sit They know what I've done everybody So that's why you can't do the splits. Oh god. Anyway, the reindeer are calling. No, they're not! I hear nothing! I hear nothing! You stay till the end of the episode. You sit! You think about what you did. You think! Okay, I guess I'll... Then, Adol, your gift is, um... You pull my finger, I guess.

No, don't. Don't. It's a fart. It's a fart, Addle. Oh, it came off. Oh, he wants me to eat it. He wants me to eat his finger. Perfect. It was supposed to be a fart, but you might as well eat that. What you're doing is not living. Okay, so...

Uncle Ninefingers. Addle, do you have anything to plug? Logan Ninefingers. Um, I would plug having, um, Uncle Santa as your uncle. I think it's, I mean, it's, it's, I don't know. It's interesting. I guess it's a- Yeah, it's interesting.

Ho ho. Topic conversation. I also very much want to plug Chittles. This is our new Church of Riddles. It's gonna be fun. Okay? This ain't your dad's church. Alright?

This is a fun church. Oh, I'd love to be a deacon if it could be arranged. Yeah, actually Santa as a deacon would be, Uncle Santa as a deacon, I think would be a huge selling point. Freaking on my deacon. So many churches shy away from bringing Santa into the fold. I think this would be revolutionary.

If our scripture included Santa, I think this is be revolutionary. If our scripture included Santa, I think this is great. Because Santa is probably short for like St. Anta or something. You got Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the book of Santa. And if you're watching this on the documentary that's coming out on Macs in six years, I'd also like to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle. Lots of fun stuff happening over there. Go check out a seven-day free trial then leave forever We just want you to come hang out you just hang out uncle Santa anything you wanna Oh, what do I like I love that billboards pop cast

Big fan of Johnny O'Mara. Oh, oh, oh what about JPC? What a little loud for my taste see this is why he hides when you're... I told you, Uncle, you can't be rude to people's faces. It's okay not to like everyone. I certainly know that there's some people out in the world that don't like me. Yeah, and you do have your horny or not list. I'm never on the not part. All right, let's read a review, shall we?

Here's a review from Gath 875. It says three stars, it's okay. Very funny bit because it was a five star review. I will always read the ones where you shit on the show as long as you give it five stars. JPC, I'm so sorry he did your part. We can edit it out or something. What are you talking to? Who are you talking to who are you talking to I thought he died JPC's oh no he's behind the couch he's behind the couch don't throw the couch forever I think that was a very normal, very calm, very good episode. I think that was steady throughout.

No peeking of the volume. Hey there aces and off bases. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Name That Tune, not really 90s edition. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the Review Crew for $8 a month and you get those ad-free episodes and review crew episodes. I guess I never really mentioned that.

You also get review crew episodes where we review stuff. It's like a monthly episode. They're fun. Anyway, see you there.