Hey Riddle Riddle - #314: Six Year Anniversary!

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

We earned this...Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Oh, hey, Addle, Aaron, um, real quick, I want to get into the episode because it's like, you know, I know it's I don't I want to get into the episode because it's like, you know, I know it's I don't want to move. I want to get into the episode. Yeah. I was just talking to a professional. And I was, you know, kind of unpacking some stuff going on. I don't want to get too deep into what I was doing before this. But I did want to tell you that I promised today to be a good boy and be my be my the best boy be the best little boy I can be. Huh. What? Yeah, so I was talking to a professional and again, I don't want to get too much into it, but I just wanted to let you guys to inform you guys to it's like a legal requirement.

I was talking to a judge and I just want to let you guys know legally that I am going to be the best little boy I can be today. Um, Aaron, you've been out of town. Um, what happened was JPC is getting kind of out of control in the episodes, you know, um, maybe the past 300, 313 episodes or so, but I sent him off to boarding school cause I found a bunch of smoke bombs and cherry bombs in this trunk under his bed. So he went to boarding school then

Some kid got hurt at boarding school cuz JPC's like 48 or something and like beat up a kid. I can't remember what happened, but 49 then it was like sort of court mandated Or mandated Portman a portman date which is when you combine two words and a sentence. It's where do you can what happens over the court date? What happens if he's a bad boy? He's going to get in way worse trouble. We're setting him up for failure. The show brings out the worst in him. Erin, I'm so glad you asked.

There's absolutely no chance that I'm going to be a bad boy today because I have gone through the program and I've talked to the professional. And today, just to let everyone know, I'm going to be the best version of myself today. No, no. I feel like we should be removing your triggers. I think we should be putting you in a space where there are no riddles,

there are no puzzles, there are no lateral thinking problems. There are no co-hosts, you know, things that like usually trigger you into madness. I appreciate that so much. You don't know what that means to me, but I can assure you everything is going to be OK. I'm I'm actually doing way better now. Huh. And is that a straight jacket or are you just putting your arms inside your sleeves like a little kid does?

Baby, this is a straight jacket, you know? It's like a straight-up ball jacket. Oh, like straight fire kind of thing? Yeah. Okay, everybody just sort of careful. No sudden movements. Let's just get through this episode. Hey, I'm JPC, I'm one of the best boys around.

That's Aaron and that's Addle. And we're going to do a little podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle and everybody's nice and good. Wow, that was maybe the best intro we've ever had. Yeah. And we got through it without any sort of weirdness or wildness or insanity. Sure. I guess this is good timing. We've been together six years officially now, which is insane. That is insane. Well, Aaron, don't say insane. That's one of the trigger words.

Nope, it doesn't matter. It's not gonna do anything to me. Hold on. Okay, he just swallowed that squirrel. One big breath got that whole squirrel in there. Oh my goodness. Swallowed the squirrel and spit up a full cobra. Tip for town, I guess. Well, this is, Erin, you're absolutely right. This is our six year anniversary episode. No, six years. Six years.

Erin, thank you so much for flying in from LA to be in Chicago here. It means a lot that you're in person. Yeah. You can see the beautiful Chicago skyline behind me, very real, very Chicago, the bean. And this is audio. Yes, but I just wanted to prove to you guys that I definitely flew back to Chicago. Well the proof is in the pudding, and I know that there's pudding here, but I'm just gonna leave it where it is I'm not gonna be touching it and it's not gonna be turning into any sort of fuck pudding or any

Classic bits from the show just putting was oh If you see remember great bit if you touch it puddings for eating, right? Exactly. Exactly. And if I feel like I need to eat something I'll have one spoonful of the pudding and I'll put it in my mouth and swallow. Good. And then after that, the spoon goes where? Ah, you thought you could get me. The sink. The sink.

Yeah, you don't sink it in your butt. You put it in the sink. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I have something very special planned today. This is something that's been a long time coming. In six years, I am, actually when I go back and listen to the show, which I actually don't do, I am shocked that we have never done this.

This is the first time ever. And this is something I think legally we were supposed to do a long time ago. I think we all agree that I started the podcast. I'm not the boss. We all know Erin's the boss, she calls the shot. But I at the very least started the podcast. Sure.

Oh, I have no power here. Yes, ma'am. We'll play along, ma'am. And here's the thing. We were supposed to take a vacation from Riddles every two years. Now, six-year anniversary? Yes.

What? Do you know what this six-year anniversary gift is? It's iron. And immediately I was like, oh, we have to plan riddles around metal or different ages. And then I was like, wait, iron makes me think of like a nine iron, which makes me think of golf,

which makes me think of like freaking Myrtle Beach and a vacation. So I was like, we need a vacation. And then I was like, we don't really do that. We don't really take vacations. But then I thought about iron and I thought, iron, I earned this iron I earned this I Earned this vacation iron Wow

Okay, I want everyone to say this I earn a vacation I earn a Vacation that's yeah, I mean it's wordplay, but it's kind of dangerously close to a pun I just don't want to slip into like any sort of bad habit that might lead me back into like some old behavior that I'm trying to be better it's okay because this isn't we're taking a vacation for me yeah we've earned this we deserve this so if you hit yeah it's it's not it's the you know you can say go ahead I earned this vacation oh That timber in his voice. I see a little squirrel tail popping out. Okay. Best boy, best boy, best boy, best boy, best beater.

I do feel internally like I was supposed to take a vacation a long time ago, Adol. So that checks out. Yes. So what we're going to do, and here's the thing. I don't care if listeners are upset and they say they didn't do a single riddle this episode. We legally have to take a vacation. We are on a vacation from riddles. There will be no riddles this episode. And in fact, reaches into my pocket, pulls out three plane tickets. We're going to...

Aruba, Aruba, ooh, I wanna scuba in Aruba. Where are we going? Well, the song lists it lists many different places. So. Sedona, we're going to Sedona, Arizona. Ooh. Yeah. Aruba, Sedona, wanna touch some crystals.

Aruba, Sedona, wanna touch some crystals. Um, Adol, sorry, I'm looking at my plane ticket here and it says direct flight from Chicago to Sedona. Yeah. What if one of us, I'm not saying who lied about flying back to Chicago for this anniversary and is actually somewhere else. Erin, you're right in front of me. What are you talking about? Exchange the plane ticket.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. No, this is meta nonsense. I'll figure it out on my own time. I'll figure this out. I got it.

I got it. I'll talk to the, I'll talk to the person at the desk and I got it. I got it How can I help you ma'am? Hi, sorry Um, I'm making like two meta of a joke that's sort of slogging down my episode of hey, Riddleriddle Can I have you're in a podcast? Yeah Okay, so podcast you lied about where you were geographically in the United States and you need to get your ticket changed, right? This is sort of a complicated one. So obviously, sure. Obviously, Adol knows that I'm not in Chicago, but he... Okay, I don't have context for that. But yeah, okay.

Adol, Chicago. Yeah, my co-host was like, obviously knows I'm in Los Angeles. He made a joke about like, thank you for flying out to Chicago for our anniversary show. And I said, of course. And then I made a joke about how I'm pretending to be back in Chicago to not Hurt their feelings, but I'm obviously still in LA But then he's giving me a fake plane ticket to go to from Chicago to Sedona And I need to switch out my fake plane ticket from LA to Sedona. Yes. Okay. Does this make sense? Yeah, this is actually easy to track. I feel like this is not making sense. No, I just need a couple pieces of information You have one co-host on the show?

I got two co-hosts. Oh, two co-hosts. Okay, first co-host? Yeah. Adol Rafai. Okay, Adol Rafai. Spelled it perfectly the first time. Second co-host?

His name is JPC and he's currently being a good boy. Slams the counter shut. Slams the shutter shut. Wait, what? There's a close sign. What are you talking about? Go away. Oh, come on. Why Why? No go away. Let me in. We won't have his name spoken here This is a legitimate business. It's not a better joke. It's not a better joke

How am I supposed to improve everything on this podcast? This is the response I get every time I mention JPC's one of the co-hosts He's a demon He but he shall not pass Slams a cane into the counter counter falls Balrog eats whole counter I'm he's trying to turn a new leaf. He's being good today. He's only swallowed one squirrel forget it San Diego and Fuego baby let my leg go Wow, you are you all set for the flight from Chicago to Sedona? I should be three minutes into that song that was fucking fucking awesome. And I named every city in the world.

Ooh, a lot of Springfields. Well, I'm ready. I'm ready for a vacation. Does anyone need any airplane snacks or anything before we go neck pillow? Yeah. I don't think we can bring snacks on an airplane. I think we have to buy them for $14 a box, right?

And we have to use their thin little biscuit pillows. We can't bring our own, right? That's insane. I certainly can't walk into a duty free store because of a bit that I do every time I walk into a duty free store and I don't want to fall back into my old pattern. So I certainly shit on the floor. He strains his face and then he goes, your store is a lie now. And they go, huh? And then they go, Oh man. Yeah. And then I fly out of plane for

four hours let's just get on the plane then no snacks no pillows yeah we don't yeah raw dog it we're gonna rock stuff like that that will trigger right I can't believe I said stuff like that yeah and of course um where's Gemma's a flight attendant so I got us a free flight on her airline let's go ahead and no I'll pay for a different airline I don't mind I don't mind do that so that we're on vacation but this audio is still gonna be released I think Gemma she's probably texting you right now oh yeah here's this okay yeah we'll just tell her we took her airline and let's take What do we want to take what's like a good pretend air or like a clear?

podcast air Air yeah something fun air. What do you oh air air in in? Air in great great and so Erin you're you're probably the plane Right not the pilot of course. I'm pilot. Of course, I'm the plane. Oh, pilot. Well, I already said plane, so we have to support that. I will lay down on the ground, armed up. All right.

Okay, what could I be on this? I mean, I guess I could be, I could be like a loose dog on the plane who's actually like a genie who grants wishes. Who's a good boy. Why don't I do this? Normal passenger. I'll just be a normal passenger.

I don't know, JPC, that feels like... I would give yourself a tiny bit of chaos in the things that you're doing, so... It's like letting air out of, like, air pressure out, do you know what I mean? No. No, the judge said I shouldn't let any air out. He said I should hold it all in, push it all down. So I'll just be a normal, normal man. Normal man on a plane.

You don't know what that means, bud. You don't know what that even means, buddy. Starts packing my suitcase, one shoe, two shoes, three shoes, four shoes, five shoes, six shoes, seven shoes, eight shoes. Okay, and I'm going to be passing year 57. Always bet on me. Great, great.

Wow, I thought we were 30 minutes into this episode. We're only several minutes in that's fine All right, we're on the plane to Sedona Okay Can't believe we're grabbing drive through fast food. I'll take what do I want? What do I want? What do I want? um I want Aaron you get the same thing every time all right can I have an ice cream cone but can you drizzle the mac sauce on it from the Big Mac thank you what do you guys want same double that should I just do my normal JPC order or? Nope. Good boy. Okay so don't just roll 2d6

and then take whatever combo meal comes up on the dice order. You know what I'll have? Plane. Water. Water for the plane. Thank God I don't have to hear a McDonald's employee scramble to make a number 40 meal. I'm going to go get some rainwater and a spissip. And dry up your ribs with that. I'll be back in a while, sorry. Okay. What do you think they said? Doesn't matter. Never matters. So, oh guys, I don't have my wallet.

Um, Adel, can you use some of your money? Oh, Erin, sweetie, you carry a purse. Not a wallet. So you noticed. Fine, I'll fucking pay for this. Yeah, do you see it? I think your wallet might be in your purse Yeah, I'll fucking pay for this fucking shit fucking I'm the plane this hurts It hurts to be the plane and also I'm paying I guess Oh, it's kind of like it's good to be the king. It hurts to be the plane. It hurts to be the plane

Yes, plain water was ten dollars ten dollar water, most expensive thing we got, perfect. It's Evian. All right, now that that's all set, let's take off into the sky. Okay, and remember we're on island time. We're on Sedona Island time, so everything just relax. Who cares what we spent on? Fast food, let's all just relax.

So far this is not, I feel like this has not been so much of a departure from the stress, the ordinary stressors of a Hey Riddler Riddle episode to me. I feel like they're all still kind of here. I need to relax. I'm just flying my two podcast co-hosts through the sky on my back while I eat an ice cream cone covered in mac sauce. I'm on vacation. I learned about myself recently is that I have what doctors like to call internal turbulence.

You know how when you're in a plane and it's just like bumping back and forth and it's very violent? That's what exists inside of my heart and my mind. Aaron, I think when I said I'm on island time, I think JPC heard I'm on I learned time. And so that's why he said something he learned. Hi.

Thank you for flying Air Wren. I'm your flight attendant. My name is Gemma Ro-Fi. Can I help you with any snacks or anything? I'm sort of sick from this ice cream cone predictably. So I think I'm all set for now. Oh, okay. Um, well, I'll say goodbye how I say goodbye to every passenger of Air and Airlines.

What walks on four legs in the morning? Uh, uh, wait a second. I'm sorry. What's going on? What's happening? What's happening? Just doing a classic little sign off What walks on four legs in the morning?

four legs in the evening and Four okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. No riddles, please. Yeah. No riddles. We're on vacation I don't what the hell was that forgot the end of the riddle so I had to cut himself off. I am I'm so sorry. I don't think you forgot. I did wonder I didn't forgot it was she really got a little to us on what cuz we're on vacation. That's like you can't Doesn't she know about my triggers. We told her about my triggers. I'll freak we really can't have riddles this episode I'll be get upset JPC will have to go to The moon I don't know where he's getting exiled to if he fucks up again. Yeah, I gotta be honest I'm more worried about JPC turning into a bad little boy because Aaron,

you always say I'll freak, but what that looks like is you sort of holding your arms, um, kind of keeling over and falling asleep on your own arms. Okay. Um, if it works, it works. Is my argument to that, I guess. One man's freak out, yeah. You know, I can just tell right now we're all sort of at the edge. We're coming to the edge. We're at...

So everybody, let's just... Aaron, other plane, other plane, Aaron, other plane. I hit it right head on. Knocked it out of the sky. I'm actually not edging anymore because that's again, that's the old JPC. So it's like I'm not even coming to the edge. I'm not even at risk of coming at all. I'm just living normally.

I just knocked a full plane out of the sky. I think several people are probably dead. That's fine. That's fine. We're on vacation. Coconut. Coconut. That's my word to get into vacation mode. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. That's my word to get into vacation mode.

Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Run. Hey, buddy, where you going? Where's your trip to? Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you. I'm sorry.

I had, I was thinking about putting headphones in. I'm going to Sedona with some colleagues. Headphones? That's funny, huh? Colleagues? Headphones? about putting headphones in. I'm going to Sedona with some colleagues. Headphones, that's funny, huh? Headphones? Because you're not calling somebody, right? You're just listening. You know, you're listening.

Headphones? Shouldn't it be like head speakers? What are we doing? You heard about this? You seen this? Yeah, I guess that makes sense in a way. Where are you from, buddy? Oh, I just talked to people.

Where you from? I'm from Chicago. Chicago? Yeah. Uh, I've been there. Oh, thank you so much, but don't do a pun to me. It could really trigger for me. It could really kind of unleash a whole different side of me that I just don't

oh you're getting pretty sweaty buddy traveling with colleagues traveling with colleagues traveling with colleagues I am a dog wrangler and I have a hundred dogs in the belly who is this other guy on my back JPC did you invite a friend who is it huh who's GPC I'm GPC yes no no oh buddy were you losing it were you losing grip no no no no no I mean I mean I'm in control I'm in control I'm in control I'm in control I don't have a hundred dogs in the belly of this planet don't have a hundred dogs in the belly of this one okay you guys I'm flying the plane I need you guys looking out for security back there and not let randos randos hop onto the plane, okay? Aaron.

I think that was an Andrew Dice Clay impersonator and I think he was here before we got here. I think that might be someone that's just kind of like always on you. And Aaron, I just want to make sure I have this right. You're flying the plane or you are the plane? You tell me, you gifted it to me improv wise earlier. You said it. You said it

Happening I'm out of vacation mode again coconut. There's a bunch of a nice clay guys back here Up time to land How do I land? Don't tell Adel and JBC you're not quite sure. Flight 429, you are cleared for landing. Hey, thanks. Can you... Don't do my voice back to me, please. That throws me off. I sort of have that echo, like mimic kind of thing in my brain where if I hear someone do a voice I have to do the voice too. Please don't do that, please. Can you walk me through how to land a Aaron? Okay, so what kind of model Aaron is this?

Age 32 sad as she's ever been tummy ache. Oh 32. That's not a model. That's not a model Aaron. That's I don't know, sort of a layabout, Aaron. Okay, that's a little insulting. Do you see in front of you, you should have two legs, they're sort of sprawled up behind you like the tail of a pint. Oh, I do have these. I told someone earlier I didn't. Well, you're gonna want to pull those forward, bend at the knees, and then put your feet straight down and sort of come to a halt.

Ow! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh, I saw that. Are you okay? I saw that. Are you okay?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, no! No! Coconut! Coconut! Coconut! Oh God. Oh no, no. Coconut, coconut, coconut.

She just kind of straightened her legs. That shouldn't cause so much pain. She's 32, not a hundred. And welcome to Sedona, lay around the neck. Welcome to Sedona, lay around the neck. This guy's trying to choke me. I'll fight you. Okay, nevermind. It's just a thing that you do to Sedona lay around the neck this guy's trying to choke me I'll fight you okay never mind it's just a just a thing that you do in Sedona I am so sorry I almost slipped into the old me I will eat these in my hotel room no no he won't you won't no I won't never mind you

don't eat these because I don't eat these anymore you'll eat human food I'll eat humans. Food. Food. I'll eat humans food. Okay, close enough. Welcome to Arizona. Can I see your passport, please? Oh, right. Okay. Well, luckily I have mine on me. I thought because this was the United States, we wouldn't need our passport.

Are you here for a podcast or vacation? Oh, how do we answer this question? Vacation. I guess vacation. Yeah. A podcast mandated vacation. Is that on your little clipboard? Podcast mandated vacation? That takes both boxes.

Uh, step out of line. I'm gonna have to have my buddy put you in another room. Your buddy? Yeah, my buddy. What do you mean your buddy? Coworkers can't be friends. I don't call my coworker a colleague. He's my legit friend. Yeah, what do you mean?workers can't be friends. I don't call my coworker a colleague. He's my legit friend.

Yeah, what do you mean? We can't be buddies just because we work together? We hang out most weekends. That's right, we even got a handshake. Here we go. Ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah So you three do a podcast together, but you're not you don't call each other your buddy or your pal Yeah, that happened earlier. He called me his colleagues JPC did I just I can't I'm not supposed to form like two personal relationships with people because of Just kind of a thing that I have going on with myself try to be my best a best boy my best boy best behavior

That's boy. Nah, man. This guy? He needs to let loose. He needs to go wild. I don't think so. I can see it in his eyes. No, you, you really don't want that. I'm actually really scared because now it's like building up, it's like boiling up in

him. So I think it's going to be even more insane than the usual level of insanity. You don't want to see that. Oh, like a volcano. This guy is fucking Mount St. Helens, right? More like Mount- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, insanity. You don't want to see that. Oh like a volcano, this guy is fucking Mount St. Helens right? More like Mount Dew St. Helens the way this guy is fucking energy. This guy looks like Baja Blast St. Helens and he's absolutely gonna blast off and he's

gonna have the time of his life here in Sedona, Arizona. Sedona, Arizona, home of the ice tea. Mmhmm, mmhmm, 99 cents painted on the can. Which fucks over everyone. Can we go? Uh. Yeah. Yeah.

As long as you tell us three facts about Arizona. I bet in your little podcast you probably did stuff about Arizona, right? Or I could ask you a riddle. No. No. We're not allowed to do rid Or I could ask you a riddle. Uh, no, no. No? We're not allowed to do riddles, huh? We can't do riddles.

Phoenix is a city in Arizona. That's one. There's a dry heat in Arizona. Aaron, you're crushing it. That's two. And? John McCain. Perfect.

That's right, John McCain. Is that right? Yeah. Let's just google that real quick. Let's just see. Well, no, you just said John McCain with no. That's right, John McCain. Is that right? Yeah. Let's just google that real quick. Let's just see. Well, no, you just said John McCain with no further details, right? Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, he was a person. Yeah. Erin, that was great. Did we ever do Arizona in the state series for Patreon? I think I gave up on those a while ago, right? Do I still do this? Well, we've done a lot since a while ago, so. Oh boy. I don't remember that at all. I needed this vacation bad. Coconut, coconut. My legs

are numb and pained. I'm a little worried that we just got here and those two Customs and Border Patrol agents, we're talking about unleashing my Mountain Dew and cracking up in my secret tab and then somebody tried to make us do a riddle. I'm just kind of concerned, maybe Sedona's actually not gonna be a good, healthy, safe space for me to be my best self and my best boy self. Let's just get you to the hotel room.

You can sit in the dark in a hotel room. We won't turn the TV on. We'll bring you a nice cold drink, GPC, and none of these stimulators will be around to get you off your course. That sounds wonderful, because I'm starting to feel a little overstimulated. Not gonna turn the TV on, Aaron.

I told you at 5 p.m. the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Raymond is annoyed that his wife is on, and that's my favorite. I know, but we have to make some sacrifices. Also, this is your fault. You booked us one room that has one twin bed in it. So now we all have to make a sacrifice, okay?

I thought I was booking us three tickets to the Best Western, and everyone knows the Best Western is Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven from 1992, co-starring Morgan Freeman. The Best Western is that movie he did with that chimp. Oh yeah, any which way but loose, I think. And it was an orangutan, uh... Alright, let's just go to the hotel.

Okay. Pardon me, checking in. Whoa. Oh. Thunder and lightning happened the second you started talking. It's a dry heat here in Arizona. Where are you from? Me?

Yeah, you. New Mexico originally. Yeah, I can tell by the accent. Albuquerque. No, we could tell by the accent. Yeah, so we're a little tuckered out from our whole day of traveling. We have one room with one twin bed in it.

Should be under Hey Riddle Riddle. Yeah. Hey Riddle. Here for a podcast? No. A vacation promo podcast. Oh. Check both boxes. Don't usually... Well, let me check both.

Okay, it's fine. It's fine. We'll need a credit card to put down on file. Aaron? Atul? I don't have a purse my god and the machine's broken so you'll have to read it out all sixteen digits

Aaron read your real credit card read your real credit card let's all come to this two eight nine six three one Nine yes six okay five two okay One three Okay, two more five

One, three. Okay, two more. Five. Just falling asleep, sorry about that. Okay, and just for anonymity's sake, I'll go ahead and bleep out. I'll just bleep. Four, zero, two, eight. Nine, six, three, one, or no,

four, six, three, one, nine, six, five, two, one, three, five, four. Four. And you're beeping that whole thing, right? Yeah, I guess. You're getting it right on time? I think I got a couple of beeps in there. Four, zero, two, eight, four, six, three, one,

nine, zero, five, two, one, three, five, four. Aaron, I'll put it in the summary. I'll put it in the summary of this audio. Yeah. Okay, great, but beep it and cover it. And, yeah. Yes, I think I got all the beeps in there. Okay, perfect.

Okay, great. Oh, what's the code? Yeah, and yes, the three-digit code on the back. Oh, eight, five, one. Expiration. Hold on. Yeah, and yes the three-digit code on the back. Oh eight five one Expiration um it expires in August of 2026 August of 2026

Okay, perfect that's enough All right. Well, here's your room key. Sorry. It's a you know a little dusty. It's a it's attached to a human skull Which is just kind of like a fun kitschy thing that we do here. There's oh, this isn't like a themed hotel where it's like We didn't get like a riddle suite or something. Did we? It says here that I'm supposed to say no Oh, it says here that I'm supposed to say. No, no, you didn't get a riddle, sweet. It's a normal hotel room, thunder and lightning, right on cue. All right.

Well, have a wonderful stay, and I hope you **** each other's ****. Wow, now I got the beeps, right? Okay. Okay, let's go. Oh Here's our door, huh? The skull doesn't seem to be fitting in the Lock something is wrong here

Doesn't go into the yeah, try it keep I'm really Smashing in the skull doesn't I'm really worried about JPC. So the sooner we can get in there my eyes are closed and my ears are plugged i cannot know what's happening because i feel like i'm just gonna freak out did we get the wrong skull what's going on here i get this key out of the weights such a stupid keychain okay oh maybe it's like an eye scan thing i'll hold the skull up to this little hole in the middle of the door And a big kick to the door. Oh that did it. I scan worked. I see we're in we're in Okay, we made it we did it. Oh, okay. Oh shit Fuck it's a riddle themed sweet fuck. Oh god. Okay, everybody

The doors closed the doors it's locked down It's fucking locked. I don't remember. I say calm down? It's fucking locked. I don't remember, I don't remember. It's goddamn fucking locked. We have to do riddles, god damn it. Hey JPC buddy, look at me, look at me. Pshh, pshh, pshh. Breathe the squirrel in.

Suck the squirrel in. Breathe the squirrel out. Let the squirrel. Breathe the squirrel in and breathe the squirrel out. Push, push, push. No, no. Don't name the squirrel, don't get attached. Just breathe the squirrel in and breathe the squirrel don't get attached just

Squirrel and and creep the squirrel up that squirrels name was mr. Pibo. No, no, no, no No, we're stuck in here, which means you're stuck in here with me, which means we have to do fucking riddles Goddamnit they're gonna make the old me come back in a big way. Oh Aaron. I forgot we I know how to get out of this. Oh Oh, Aaron, I forgot. I know how to get out of this. How? Even though we're on vacation, legally we still have a break. A break! Got a break! Got a break, yes! Yes, please, got a break! Aaron, it's been great chatting with you. I just gotta say you're really animated today.

Thank you, Adel! It's a little much. I know what's happening. Oh. I mean, Aaron, have you been watching Anna Mayhem on Hulu? Hulu Anna Mayhem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows. Have I?

Zorp falls through a trap door, lands right back in the same spot I was standing. I guess she has. It's a little weird when Erin does it, but I love when Hulu does it. JPC, I don't know if you've been watching like, Bob's Burgers, which is incredible. Love Bob's Burgers. Futurama, which is a classic. Ooh. Hit Monkey, The Monkey Assassin, played by Jason Sudeikis.

American Dad, I mean tons of animated shows are on Hulu, anime him and it seems like Aaron from, I mean, your eclectic bunch of animated features that you're kind of, you're kind of inhabiting all of them. Arugula, my eyes pop out of my head. Whoa, I think you could be right. Aruga, that doesn't make sense. Is that Brian? Is that Family Guy?

What is she doing? Is that Brian? I don't know, but eyes popping out of her head isn't necessarily the freshest bit. But Aaron, there are some of the freshest animated series on Hulu right now, like The Great North, Grimsberg, Crapopolis. Ooh. Sort of a fun Greek mythological world. The guy from What We Do in the Shadows, Matthew Berry plays in some... Oh, I love Matthew Berry. Oh, he's so good. He's so good.

Oh, I bonked my head and there's a bunch of birds flying around it. Whoa! Well, I know Ered probably isn't, but if you're looking for your favorite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. That's Hulu Animaheim, your animation destination, now streaming on Hulu. Run through the wall. Perfect shape of me in the wall. I'm actually really hurt.

Is the bone sticking out? Yeah, guys, help. Let's watch some Hulu. Oh, okay, guys. I'm sort of tired in the middle of this episode. I'm going to go sleep on my Helix mattress. It's the midnight lux and it's calling my name. This was fun though.

All right, bye. Aaron, this is so embarrassing. You can go sleep on your Helix sleep mattress if you want to right now, but we're actually not doing an episode today. This is a Helix Sleep intervention. Huh? Aaron, your Helix Sleep is too comfortable.

So JPC and I each got ourselves Helix Sleeps, and we just wanna have an intervention to say, this is pretty great. I know, right? Yeah, because intervention is, intervention the right word for it. What's the one where you get all your friends and you eat popcorn and you kind of like,

you tell ghost stories. Sleepover. Oh, sleepover. We're gonna have a sleepover. Oh, great. Yes, the Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including their Worn-Witting Luxe, an Ultra Premium Elite collection. The Helix Plus, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and the Helix Kids Mattress designed for growing bodies

and endorsed by children sleep experts. So that's something we can talk about. Yeah, and hey, everybody is unique. I have weird hips and everyone sleeps differently. Thank you! We've been saying that. JBC sleeps upside down. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences.

Okay, and how about this classic sleepover game? Why don't we all take a quiz? Specifically, the Helix Sleep Quiz to find our perfect mattress in under two minutes and your personalist mattress is then shipped straight to your door free of charge. The shipping is free of charge. You actually have to pay for the mattress,

but yeah, I just want to make clear that the mattress isn't free, the shipping is the free thing. Ooh, Erin, I spun the bottle. You have to kiss the Helix Sleep. Don't mind if I do. Plus, Helix mattresses all come with a 10 to 15 year warranty, depending on the model. And don't just take our word for it. The word of three, I would say, adults at a sleepover.

Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Oh, Erin is really kissing that mattress. Helix is offering up to 30% off. Look away. All mattress orders.

Or write at me. Two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Oh man, our mattresses are now getting in on the kiss. We're just kind of like sitting on the floor and Aaron's kind of having like a quadruple

kiss moment with her and three mattresses. This is going to be on the internet forever you guys. It's just like high school all over again. Fan art please. Oh goodness. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, Adel. Hey, GPC.

Erin, what's going on? Hey, Erin, you look glum as a plum. What's going on? I know that comparison is a thief of joy, and it's easy to envy other people's lives. But I just found out I didn't make any of the Olympic teams. And I'm just really, really surprised, feeling really down, feeling really blue. And I just wish I could like talk to someone about it.

Oh, Erin, you should try BetterHelp. Have you tried that? Oh, right. BetterHelp. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Yeah, Erin, it's online therapy that is perfect for someone like you who didn't make any of the Olympic teams and were you trying Erin to make some of the Olympic team? I like to think so. Yeah and Erin I've actually benefited greatly from BetterHelp. I have this thing where

I made six different categories for the Olympics, and it's just really stressful to be like, ugh, I'm favored in all six categories. So I've had a really hard time, I've used better help. It's really helped me work through these issues and the stresses and the sort of pressure put on me by America. Right, all you have to do is just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched

with the licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional costs. Like after I did a cartwheel to impress a child and hurt everything, I thought, I'm going to get the call, right? They're going to call me. And they didn't. And I love online therapy.

It helps so much. You don't have to wait in the car. So this is going to work out great. Yeah, and Erin, I would say, look, stop comparing and start focusing, OK, with better help. You don't need to compare yourself to what Addle's doing with his six different categories that he's got a good shot of gold or silver, I mean, as a backup in most of the six. Is it swimming?

Is it diving? Shark kissing. Oh man, I want a shark kiss. Little Debbie eating. All you have to do is visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help H-e-l-p dot com slash riddle and Erin you could take the gold medal in frowning any day This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace

Hey everyone before you get upset just know that Erin Keefe has been cast as Destiny Tarot, the new American Girl doll. We're not sure what that means, if she'll be in the movies, if she'll be packaged up herself, but we're so happy for her and the next step in her career. Yeah, it's very unclear. We all read the same email. It didn't really delineate between would this be something that is done on a you know a Hollywood set where there would be cameras or would this be done

in a factory where they seal her into plastic and then use those little ties to hold her arms and neck to the box we don't know it's you know we all have the same information we all have the same information and we all have the same website that we built with Squarespace we assume you can go to Aaron's destiny dot something. We actually don't remember what the website is right now, but it's not important because we use Squarespace to build it. And it's the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether we're just starting out or managing a growing brand, which we assume this Aaron American girl doll thing is going to be a growing brand.

Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on our terms, and not entirely our terms, because again, we're kind of the American Doll Corporation. We're kind of at their mercy a little bit with what they choose to let us include.

Big doll, swings a mighty big hammer. But with Squarespace, you can check out even video collections, which Aaron has posted. You can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful video pages. I think there's some takes of Aaron trying to get into character as Destiny Tarot. I think she's like a psychic American girl doll, which is kind of fun. It's like an X-Men maybe. Yeah, and unclear how much character she needs,

or she just needs to be very still for a long period of time but no matter what she does Squarespace always has you covered with flexible payments they make checkout seamless for your customers with a simple but powerful payment tools that you could accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay and in eligible countries offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with after pay and clear pay. Also you can check your analytics with Squarespace. Measure your end-to-end online performance with powerful website and seller analytics.

Get insights on top traffic sources. Understand how your reach is growing. Track sales metrics, user psychic ability to garner information about Aaron's new doll, and learn where to focus new engagement. You can do all that by going to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And remember to check out Aaronisdestiny.american.girls slash website real and

real is on all caps. So I kid you not, you have to do it at all caps.com. Congratulations Aaron, we're so happy for you. Hey, Ritual Brittle. Ritual Brittle. Ooh, okay, we are still inside the door here, but we hopefully calm down JPC just a little bit. Yeah, I'm good, I'm good I'm good just let's

just do whatever riddles we have to do to get out of this fucking suite and then we can kind of just continue on with vacation okay? Well we're not supposed to be doing riddles because then I can't write this off as a tax write-off. Okay I mean I'm all how do we get the fuck out of here because I just need to get the fuck out of this riddle suite. Well, we could. Here's we could technically solve a couple of riddles, but that means over the next six years we have to take two vacations. Oh, man, it's almost not worth it. So let's just let's just let's just, you know, maybe if we just stay calm and we just get through a few of these, we can still have fun.

It might still feel like vacation, okay? Okay. Okay? Yeah. Wait, what is this painting? Its eyes are moving. I can bring you to tears, speed you up, slow you down, and if I'm strong enough, even knock you over. Oh my god, this is-

Who am I? This is Squirrel Cocaine. If there's Squirrel Cocaine in this hotel room, I swear to god I'm gonna do it. I mean, I have to do it. I know, you'll have to find it. Okay, wait, can you read that again? Creepy painting. I can bring you to tears, speed you up, slow you down, and if I'm strong enough, even knock you over.

An onion. Why didn't you... Why didn't you cut out the mouth in the painting? Yeah, it's just... it just the eyes that are cut out. But you've got your mouth up by the eye holes and you're just doing the mouth where the eye holes are. It's pretty funny. Just the trope.

It's pretty funny to be honest. This, wait, hold on. This is not a trope. The mouth and the eye holes thing is a trope? Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo does mouth in the eyeholes? I don't remember seeing a painting in Scooby-Doo with two mouths for eyes. Yeah, why are there two mouths? You got someone in there with you?

Friend. A co-worker, but also my friend. Yeah, we hang out on the weekends, so I think we're friends. We're still friends, not just colleagues, friends. Yes, we swap wives. Wait, wait, we swap wives? No, this is the kind of chaos that is not good for us right now. Just read us the fucking riddles

and don't have a chaotic backstory. JPC, I'm trying to protect you. Wait, yeah, yes. Hold on, we swap wives. We swap wives. Don't be. I didn't know this. I haven't slept with your wife.

You haven't? What were you doing with my wife last weekend? Talking about how great I think you are and how perfect you two are for each other. Oh my god, I was railing your wife. We were just going hard on each other's bodies. Okay, can you please read the riddle again? Is it onion? Is it love? This is why you don't become friends with your coworkers. Because this kind of stuff always happens, Aaron. Is it onion is it love this is why you don't become friends with your co-workers? Because this all this kind of stuff always happens Aaron is it love I thought it was love, but it's no the answer to the riddle It's not love. It's just it's purely physical

I can bring you to tears speed you up slow you down, and if I'm strong enough even knock you over Is this the news of infidelity is the answer the news of infidelity? Is the answer the news of infidelity? It is now. Knock you, wind. It is not infidelity. It is the wind, that's right. It's the wind, but also. Okay. We had a conversation about it.

Rips painting off wall, rips it into pieces. Wow, that ripped up the people inside the painting. Holy shit, how did that work? Aaron, you are covered in blood and viscera. Yeah, coconut. Yeah, I think you ripped up two people. Coconut. I'm on vacation. I'm on vacation. I'm okay I'm okay. JPC is okay. Yeah I'm fine I'm fine now yeah because the people are gone and the whole wife swap thing kind of threw me but I did find a little bit of squirrel cocaine and I kind of like it to the ship a little bit. Spit it out. Spit it in my hand, spit it in my hand.

More. Can I have a little back? No. Why did the tooth come out? Why did a tooth come out when you did this? Why did the tooth come out? It's a squirrel's tooth. It was in the cocaine.

Ah, so the tooth finally comes out. A pun, A pun! Okay, hey, hey, hey. I'm on vacation. I can do puns again. I'm on vacation. Squirrel out. Don't name the squirrel.

Don't get attached. Okay. We're okay. Oh, and the wall's moving. Look, we can go further into our room. Great. Maybe there's another twin bed. Um, can I just say, of course we're on fucking vacation

and the answer to the riddle is wind, right? I mean, yeah, I mean, it's like, come on, how basic can you get? Yeah, insane. But that's like, honestly, it's like one of these like, you know, Arizona escape rooms where they're like, you know, it's like, oh, it's gonna be really hard and it's like wind, shadow and echo, you know,

it's like, okay, you're the same thing that everybody're like, you know, it's like, oh, it's gonna be really hard and it's like wind shadow and echo You know, it's like okay. You're the same thing that everybody else has, you know, ah I hear you crave difficulty Hello, who is that? Did somebody say Aaron was ain't you no, but this guy's got a weird voice. This is not promising fellas Let's judge people like that. Come on. What the fuck? No, you can't do- I'm the nicest one here, right? Oh my god, am I not the nicest one here? You know what? Just go ahead. I'm gonna push the button.

No, give us the riddle! What button? What button? I have a button back here. I push if you get the riddle right, but honestly it's not worth it after being hold I have a fucked up voice Apologize to the man with the voice. That's fine. Oh, yeah Oh my god Fucking believe you're gonna get us. I'm trying You try your best. I'm sorry about the voice What are you doing?

Erin, what's going on with you? You're the sweetheart of the show. Come on. I don't know if I'm the nice one. I'm having an identity crisis over here. Well, I mean it's- Am I the problem? No, Erin, you're not the problem.

Oh my God, it's me. Maybe I was the bad boy all along. Oh my God, it's me. Are you singing Taylor Swift though? I feel like a lot of that was Taylor Swift lyrics, right? Yeah, Erin, a lot of that was Taylor Swift lyrics. Erin can't even have an original idea. She's gonna have this dream that my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. What? She thinks I left them in the will. The family reads the will and someone screams out. She's laughing at us from hell.

Oh, isn't there something about an ugly baby or something? Hi, sexy baby. I'm the problem. Whoa, that can't be right. It's me. It's me. It's me. Did you read the riddle? I don't remember if you read it.

We're so sorry, Mr. Dracula. You please do read the riddle. We're sorry for our friend. She's finding out that she's the problem now that I am my best self being a best boy behavior. Mr. Dracula, is that what you think I am? I thought that's what you said. I'm Dr. Dracula.

Of course you are. Wait a second, wait a second. 8 years in med school down the drain. Dr. Dracula, hold on. Zip? No, my penis. This isn't your penis. This is Dr. Chameleon's penis.

Dr. Chameleon. That's right, and it's not even a penis. It's a banana inside a cucumber. OK, I don't feel bad at all anymore. I'm not the problem. It is a banana inside a cucumber. Holy shit. There's a big more sense of it is a banana inside a cucumber. Holy shit. There's a big morsel of a cucumber inside a banana,

but no, it's like a cucumber skin over a banana with the peel. What the hell? Wait, let me write that down just for... I love feedback. I crave it. I would rather open a... I almost said peanut butter, but that's a banana. I gotta open...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, we were so worried about JBC. I almost said peanut butter, but that's a banana. I gotta open a- Uh oh. Uh oh. Oh, we were so worried about JPC, we didn't even think to check on the air. ...and have the cucumber inside, rather than peel a cucumber and have there be banana inside. Why was I thinking about peanut butter? Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna push the button. No, no, no, you missed the riddle. Read the riddle, read the riddle. Uh-uh.

Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Oh my god, the riddle. Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah. The episode's not even close to over. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hold on, we can, we can, let's, uh, OK, we'll bleep it out and save it.

Oh my God. Hold on, we gotta, yeah, there we go. Penguins are not frightened of polar bears. Why? Because they're in different parts of the zoo, Dr. Chame are not frightened of polar bears. Why? Because they're in different parts of the zoo, Dr. Chameleon. Let us through. Penguins live at the South Pole

and polar bears at the North Pole. Yeah, you basically got it. Yeah, but yeah, different parts of the zoo works too, right? They wouldn't put- Also, a penguin would be scared of a polar bear if you put them in the same room, I think, so. No, no, because penguins nowadays play baseball okay dr. chameleon we don't need your help plugging the patreon okay we could we could

patreon.com backslash Dr. Chameleon does the WWW nobody fucking does that anymore oh let me write that down I love feedback thank you for telling me. Do people still dab? Dab! Yeah sure. Alright Dr. Chameleon here's your penis back get the fuck out of here. Thank you! Bye! Bye! Okay. Now where does this go? Here? No. Here? No. He's guessing the most ridiculous places.

Whatever you're imagining, it's just as ridiculous. In my mind went, do we start selling Pin the Penis of the Doctor Chameleon games on the website? 25% please. You could have just said, what if we hit rock bottom? That would have taken less time to say, JPC. We're not cutting him in for merch sales, right?

No, no, no, no. I think 25% was him saying how close he was getting to read that JPC. Well, he put it in his mouth. So that's halfway there. I guess so, straight line. Oh, look, it's the Bad News Gang here to read a riddle. What?

What's the big idea? Well, well, well, it's the bad news gang. Oh, sorry, we did that out of order. Let's take that again. So you say well, well, well. Well, well, well, it's the bad news gang. What's the big idea? Hey guys, I'm just really trying hard not to fall into kind of some of my old patterns, patterns I'm trying to get rid of. And I just don't, I just, can you the Bad News Gang please not be here right now? Well, Bob-Bob, you love to play with us, come on! No, I don't, I don't love to play with you guys, I just...

Okay, you gotta go. I see a squirrel coming out of your mouth. It's not coming out, it's going in. You should name it. Mr. Peeble. All right, well we got a riddle for ya. Hit it! My underside's smooth, but my back full of grip. As part of a trick, I'm known to flip. A man. Is this a ping-pong paddle? Is this a ping-pong paddle? No. Is this a ping pong paddle? Is this a ping pong paddle? No.

Can you read it again? It's smooth and my back's full of grip. You wanna read it, sister? No! You sure? Here, here's the card. Ah, my heart! It stopped! Oh my god, one of the Bad News King died. She died? I think that's canonically the second one of them that's died.

What do they have? Stay alive. Stay alive. Stay alive. Alright, kicks the Bad News Gang body to the trash. Okay, go ahead and give us the riddle again, Bad News Gang surviving member. The sooner I say the riddle, the sooner I can try and revive my sister with CPR. Been too long. Oh wait I know CPR. Jeremiah was a bullfrog, was a good friend to mine.

No bad news gang that's that's blood sweat and tears. Oh what other than CPR. Who knows. Credence, pure water revival. No, no, no. My underside is smooth, but my back full of grip. As part of a trick, I'm known to flip. I understand it's smooth in my back. Oh, is this like a water bottle? Doing the water bottle flip trick? Where you flip the water bottle?

No, I feel like this guy with the squirrel mouth would probably know this best. That's me. I was talking. Oh. Sorry, you look like the other guy. I look like me? What does that mean? Oh, you're next to a mirror. Why would he know best? Eh, cause the answer to this is something that looks like this guy with the backwards hat and the tank top might use.

Holy shit. I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I'm dressed with like a little schoolboy outfit hat and the tank top might use. Holy shit. I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I'm dressed with like a little schoolboy outfit, but that's the old me. The old me is in the mirror. Whoa. Oh my god. Aw, just like Michael Jackson sang about. I kinda miss the old you.

Not just like Michael Jackson. Let's back off of that a little bit. Teehee. No, no, not even very similar obviously. I'm laughing. I'm just laughing. No, it's not even very similar. I'm laughing, I'm just laughing. No, it's not even similar. It's so, but it's actually so much different.

Like the high home. A comb. Uh, uh. Do you think the cool guy would use a comb? No, I don't know. Cool guys in the movies do. Travolta did. Yeah, I'm thinking of Travolta.

What is it? Listen to these words. Trick. Flip. Skateboard! It's a fucking skateboard! Wow, the mirror just kicked a skateboard out into my world. No no, don't fall for it.

Now please save my skateboard. No no, don't eat the skateboard! Spit it out, spit it out, spit it out. Too late, too late. I ate the whole skateboard. Oh, I'm feeling my JPC powers come back to no no no slap slap stay with us JPC powers that's why I'm digesting a skateboard yeah you're digesting a skateboard it feels very similar to

being JPC the feeling of digesting a skateboard feels a lot like just being JPC but you gotta stay with me bud look at me the closest you can get without going over colleague look at me look at me colleague. No no I'm your friend Oh god, I love it slap me more Don't oh my god. Oh, I feel so good to be JPC again. Oh, it feels so good to be JPC again. Oh, it feels so good to be JPC again. Oh Aaron Adel take my hands The shit out of him

Come on, this supposed to be vacation and we failed you and now you're gonna be banished to the moon or whatever Yeah, I'll step on your nuts, but I'm not gonna take your hand. Thank you. Seattle's willing to help. He's willing to meet me halfway without going over. Price is right, Rolf. I've done enough today. What do you mean? Aaron, what do you mean? Look where we are, okay? We're doing riddles, we're all together, the three best friends again, the old me's back. I flew across the sky and I've been paying for everything and I hurt my legs and I tried

my best to keep everything in order and I tried to be a vacation mom but then all these characters from the shows past showed up and started reading riddles. It's just a mess. Aaron, where have you been the last six years? This is par for the course. This is six years? We've been here for six years? Shh, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Oh my God. Look, I know. I know it can get hard. I know it can be challenging. I know it can be a real trial.

I know it can be challenging, I know it can be a real trial, but there's something that I do when I'm feeling blue, when I have a day that feels like crap. Aaron, don't you know, there's one place you can go, and that's to do a little of daddy's rep. Rap for daddy Aaron, rap for daddy Karen, rap for daddy Hey Aaron, what do you know? Rap for daddy, now you go, your word is vacation. I've been doing this show for over six years and that doesn't even count the tears I've been crying the basically the whole time cuz I don't even know how to rhyme This place sucks a lot But it's all we got

You know JPC. Why do you guys make these faces? Why does it look like you're about? To throw up every time I do this? I okay next time I rap for daddy I need you to turn off your videos immediately and then I'll be able to do it. All right your word Casey go ahead and restart the clock. The word is sandcastle. Sandcastle. You said it next time, right? I can still see Adel's face. I can't get to my camera. He turned it back on. I have to wait for it to come back around. Sandcastle? Sandcastle, yeah.

Okay. Okay. Share it over. Whatever you're ready. My co-hosts are having me rap about sandcastles. What a hassle. Do I even want to be on the show? Do I have to be here?

I could be doing something else. I almost went back to school during the pandemic. I thought about going into something. I was like, maybe I'll go into hospitality. I think I'd be pretty good at that. My dream is to own a wedding venue. I think I'd be good at that. Or work for, have a bed and breakfast.

I don't know if this is what I want. I really have fallen out of love with comedy lately. We cut away. It's a little bed and breakfast. It's Maine, Erin, you own and operate your little Maine seaside bed and breakfast. Just like the Bob Newhart show. Adel and I are some of your first clients

that we're checking in. Hi, we have a reservation for Cohen for two. Hi. Hi. Welcome, amazing. Right, we have you right here. Thank you so much. Oh, thank you, it is.

I guess it is amazing. We've never been to Maine before. Oh, you'll love it. And you picked the truly the perfect time of year to come. All the leaves are about to change. Oh my God. And I heard it's also rap season. Casey, hit it.

Your word is Maine. Am I in a scene right now? You're in a rap and your word is Maine. Turn off your cameras. Turn off your cameras! Turn off your cameras! I got it. Ready? If you want to see my eyes start to rain, tell me that I got a rap about Maine. It's a state that I don't really hate.

You know what? It's so interesting because I felt like pressure to keep doing comedy during the pandemic and I was like, I feel like it's going well so I feel like I can't pivot my life to something else. But I really have this like calling I want like sort of a life where I have like tasks to do every day that are like physical tasks. And I just being in comedy just a lot of pressure because you also have to count on your life to being ma'am Oh, yes, ma'am. Excuse me. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Can help you. Excuse me. You're you're asking about a plane ticket and trying to transfer it Oh, yes, and then your eyes went pure white

Okay. Yeah, that'll happen. Sometimes I'm Trying to switch over a plane ticket to go from Chicago to... Slow down, slow down. Okay. So it was Chicago to Sedona and I need an LA to Sedona. LA to Sedona. Okay. And are you part of our frequent flyer mile?

I am not. Club, let me finish. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm part of my... Sorry. Can I... You know what? Wrap airplanes. Turn off your cameras! I know what you're thinking. You're ready to fly. Let's put you in a tube and send it to the sky.

It's really frustrating because I feel like my 20s, I like was on this conveyor belt of like, I wanna be a comedian, right? And like, I loved it. And don't get me wrong, I loved my time in my 20s doing comedy, but mostly I was like so depressed in my early 20s and I was like, I wanna hang out with comedians. I don't know if I wanted to be a comedian.

I just wanted to be around other comedians. And I learned a lot and I had the best time. But now that I'm like out in LA, I'm like all these people are so ambitious and they really want this thing and I really just want my life to like feel simple and be simple. And with the stressors of natural life, it's just hard to be a comedian. Yes, now that you have gazed into the crystal ball. Have you seen your future, what is yet to come? Whoa, sorry, did my eyes go white? No. For a second, oh, sorry. Were you supposed to?

Sorry, where, yes, I'm talking to a fortune teller, I saw my future. Sorry, I saw a chinchilla eating a meatball sub. Oh. Where? I was looking at, I think the same crystal ball. In the crystal ball? No, so this is crazy, I'm watching a video on my phone

Sorry, I double-booked the slot. I didn't Google it. I googled meatball sub little guy It was it turns out it was a chinchilla eating a meatball sub. Is that normal to get a rap about that? I guess I could. Tinchilla eating a meatball sub. I'm addicted to Pornhub. I like all the milk's on there. Plus I like the step mom's hair. Let's go a little list of all the stuff that gets my grist full of all my meaty ball.

Pornhub.com slash meatballs. Check it out. So does that have to pay for this session or is this, is she paying for the session? Because this is her session. Do you have a purse? Do I have a purse? I'm not paying for this. That's a bridge too far for me. I think we can agree anyone listening to this is paying for this. Would it be easier to just use a credit card number

from earlier in the episode if one was read out? Yeah, that's true. 4028-463196521354. Yes, yes. Okay, got it. 28463196521354. Yes, yes. Perfect. Okay, you got it? Yeah. What'd you say to me?

Oh. Oh, after the numbers, what was that? I'm sorry, me? Yes. I said. Do you think all of our listeners looked at their watch and went, all right, it was six years in. That was my limit I

think we reached it today I think people went you know what they kept me pretty good company during the pandemic and I gave him a little extra time but I think the ship has sailed I mean yeah yeah probably yeah probably you want to rap about it cameras You want to rap about it? Camera's. Let me tell you about the number six and then I'm going to do a fix. We should have ended after four episodes of this show. What? Why are you shaking your head? No. Why are you shaking your head no? Why are you shaking your head no? Why are you shaking your head? Come on.

Aaron. I want to go back to school and I want to do something else. Aaron. If we never do the podcast... What? Then... We never do the podcast. Does that make sense? Yeah, Aaron.

And isn't the podcast, Aaron, also kind of like the ultimate in hospitality experiences? Yeah, I have a... I wasn't going to do this because we're on vacation, but I have a letter from a young fan I wanted to read on the air here. Okay, that would maybe be helpful because so far this doesn't seem very welcoming or cozy or comforting in any way. Dear Aaron Keefe Oh wow, okay, it's for me. The woman with the biggest heart in the world.

Oh my goodness. My name is Tommy Tomlinson and I was very sick. Oh my goodness. Until I listened to the episode with all the pig orgasm sounds. Oh boy. And it fixed me. It healed me. Aaron. I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy. And I hope Claire de Lune is playing while all the pigs, all the pigs in the world come and come and come and come and come. The doctors say I'm going to live forever. They said, Aaron, I'm going to live forever. Me, Tommy Tomlinson, the little sick boy is gonna live for eternity. Best colleges for hospitality management.

Cornell University, Michigan State, Fordham has a good program. Oh, BU, I could move home. Can you hear them? Erin, can you hear the pigs? NYU, little expensive, Penn State. So much pleasure, so much joy. What about online degrees? Your podcast has changed my life.

And I just wanted to thank you. Sincerely, your biggest fan. I could get a certificate from Cornell University. I don't know if I want to do that. Your biggest fan, come to think of it. It was you. Aaron, that didn't move you. That letter from Tommy Tomlinson didn't move you. Real letter from a real fan Tommy Tomlinson, the sick little

boy. Washington State University. He was voted sickest boy in St. Louis 2024. Moved to Washington. And I hear this year he's in the running for most improved boy. Kind of sucks to hear because honestly, I was doing pretty well with most improved boy.

I was kind of on my best day for most of the episode. Will I have to retake the SATs? Wait a minute. JPC, she can't hear us. Erin. Erin. My new life. So peaceful. GPC, what happened?

Get the smelling salts! Get the smelling salts! Crack them open in front of her nose! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Why did you crack a squirrel open in front of my nose? Oh, it's name was smelling salts. Don't name the squirrel! Don't get attached! I can name the squirrel without getting attached. Jupiter. No, no plugs, no plugs.

Look at the mess you made this episode. Plugger for good boys. Pig thumb forever. No, no, no! Hit it, Casey! Casey Toney to the editing! Aaron, do you realize, uh, it was very funny when you and Addle turned your camera off for JPC to wrap. It was very funny.

Do you realize your camera is still off? Oh, I did not. Oh, well, it just enhanced your distancing from the rest of it. It worked very well. It worked very well. Guys, when in doubt for a monumental episode, just put Aaron through a fucking gauntlet. Yeah, have Aaron rap at the end. None of those were good.

I didn't do a good job with any of them. No Aaron, you did six and I certainly one of them was okay. Hey there vampires and dragons, if you liked that you are going to love this week's Patreon. We do some scenes based on your requests from the discord. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for five dollars a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!