Hey Riddle Riddle - #335: Best of 2024 Part 1

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

Thank you for letting us keep you company this year! Here are some of our favorite moments from the 2024 mainfeed AND Patreon. If you’d like to hear more check it out here! Come see us at SF Sketchfest! Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere Stockings hung up by the chimney with care It could only mean one thing McRib is here At participating McDonald's for a limited time The doctor was the mother He stood on a block of ice Both of them were goldfish It was the cabin of an airplane Okay, well, I was up for the last 72 hours. Take me to our hate riddle bridge.

Okay. Well, I was up for the last 72 hours, but I finally scoured the internet for enough riddles to do another episode in 2024. So I'm old man puzzles and look at all, you ignorant slut. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I'll take that from Chevy Chase We got good news. You ignorant slut. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take that from Chevy Chase. You shouldn't.

You shouldn't. You shouldn't. Dan Aykroyd? Dan Aykroyd? But not from you. What? We're not doing any more riddles this year. Then why did I bring Janet to guest in the episode?

Oh, hi, Janet. Hey. Oh, hi, Janet. Addle was pulling Janet in a little wagon behind him. That's fun. Hi Janet. Want to buy some lemonade? No you ignorant slut. You can't you shouldn't take that. You shouldn't. Yeah leave it to Chevy Chase leave it to the professionals. Um this is a part one part one of our best of episode and I will be honest with you, it is at least 45 minutes of pig orgasm noises because that was this year.

That's what the people want. And if everyone is sort of remembering back in their brains, Janet was on that episode. I was. Wow. And remember with pigs, if they're coming, you're coming. You're coming. If they're cold, you're cold.

If you're cold, they're cold. If you're here, you're cold. If you're cold, they're cold. If you're here, they're family. If you're here, then where are they? I don't know. So this year is actually very exciting. We're trying something a little different, okay? This is not your usual best of. In the back half of this episode and next week,

you're gonna hear scenes from our Patreon. Stuff that was awesome on our Patreon this year that you guys seem to like. What? You're just gonna give it away? Well, it's the holiday season and that's what it's all about. But if you like what you're hearing

and you wanna hear the full context for those clips and you haven't been a patron yet, go to patreon.com slash HayleyRiddle. You can join for a week free. And in that weird liminal space between Christmas and New Year's, just binge all of our best episodes over there. Wait a second, Erin, what if I like the Patreon,

but I don't wanna pay every single month? Is there an option for people like me? Why are you talking like that? No, probably not. Yes, you can just buy a whole year of Patreon. Yeah, starting in the new year, you could buy a whole year of Patreon. Yeah. So if you wanna buy it for the year, you could buy a whole year of Patreon.

So if you wanna buy for the year, you can do that. Get a discount too. But wait, Aaron and Janet, what if I listen to the best of, and then in January, I wanna see the four of you live in San Francisco. Did everybody hit their head? Why are people talking so weird? Yeah, we're gonna be in San Francisco SketchFest.

Me and Addle hit our heads together. We were trying to be wonder twins. Janet's gonna be our guest. It's gonna be incredible San Francisco SketchFest. Me and Addle hit our heads together. We were trying to be wonder twins. Janet's gonna be our guest. It's gonna be incredible. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to be with y'all in person. JPC was not able to be at the live Hey Riddle Riddle last SketchFest for reasons we will not disclose.

And I told my wife, no more babies. I gotta go to SketchFest. For reasons we will have just disclosed. And Key is gonna be, I told my wife, no more babies. I gotta go to sketch fest. For reasons we will have just disclosed. And he is gonna, so this is gonna be very, very fun. And it is on Saturday. January 18th. January 18th, yes, JBC, I was, let me finish.

Okay. But Aaron, what if we want to say a date and then someone else says it first, is there an option for us? What happened to everybody? I just hit my head on the wagon. Is it contagious? Oh my God.

It seems like it. Saturday, January 18th at 4 p.m. at the Gateway Theater in San Francisco. You can buy those tickets in, I'm gonna say the link below and maybe that works. You can go to sfsketchfest.com. Oh yeah, they can do that too. And I'd say check out all the shows at SketchFest,

but Aaron, why? We're probably going up against another show at least, so don't check out all of them. Not all of them. Ours first and then whatever else you want to check out. Smart. Trickle down to economics. Exactly, Reagan.

Well, Aaron, was that. Reagan. Well, um. Was that this year? Well, Erin, are you, are you gonna hit your head or? Is that this year? Erin, hit your head. Erin, hit your head. Okay, yes, Ann. Ah!

Ah! Whew! Holy shit. That sucks. Erin, we were joking. We were just joking around. Erin, you're bleeding. I know.

But, but, Adel, what, what if we, oh my god. I think she thinks she's talking. There was nothing left to say. I think she's talking. I think she's talking. I, we were joking. We were just joking around. Erin, you're bleeding. I know, but Adel, what if we, oh my God. There was nothing left to say. I think she thinks she's talking. All right, so we're all gonna go to the hospital. Enjoy the best of 2024. Part one. Part one. She swallowed her tongue.

Can you guys hear me? Am I talking? Time of death? Anyways, welcome to Hey, Brittle Brittle. That's JPC. He's chaos. That's adult. He's nice. And I'm Aaron.

What's Aaron? The one who's trying her best. Is that why you're wearing a scarf today in dark sunglasses? Yes, it's not because I'm hungover. Let's describe for the audience. Erin is wearing a head scarf, dark sunglasses. She's sitting in a, I want to say a 57 drop top convertible,

cherry red with the white inlay. Oh no, the wind took my scarf away. She's got one of those long cigarette holders, but it doesn't appear that she's got a cigarette for it. It's a hot Cheeto that I put in there. That's my secret. She's speeding down PNH1. All Cheetos are hot, but you light the end of it.

Ha ha ha. Here are some rhyming poems for you. I'm gonna give the first part, and then you guys need to give me the second half. So I'll give you essentially like the roses are red, violets are blue part, and then you have to fill in and out, ready? Sunsets are pink, oceans are blue.

I fucked a minion and so did Gru. We don't know that he did. And we're just practicing right now, right, Aaron? This won't make it? This won't make it in the episode? Did you fuck the same minion that Gru fucked? Because there's a lot of them. Looking at my council, he's shaking his head.

How could you tell? I watched the first 15 minutes of Despicable Me the other day. So I, because I had never seen it, and we would, I don't know, Mariah loves the minions. So I've never seen a single minion's property. So we put it on, but we can't watch like a full movie anymore. And so I only got about 15 minutes

and I was also watching it with the sound off and the subtitles on. I would say enjoy it with a red wine and a filet minion. These things are so tender. I don't know what group puts in them. These things are so tender. You're't know what group what's in them. These things are so tender. You're grilling Minions? Wait, you're not?

What are you doing? Have you're steaming them, Erin? You're losing flavor. No I'm not! I'm losing nutrients when I grill them. Honestly, you're losing nutrients. Oh no! You're losing nutrients if you cook them at all. You gotta eat raw Minion. That's the only way to do it. You know you're not supposed to microwave them, right?

You know, everyone knows. Oh no. You can microwave them, you just have to take the clothes off. Don't microwave them with the clothes. Well hold on, do you leave the goggles on? Do you leave the goggles on? Are you gonna eat the eyes? The goggles are the best part.

Okay, I am, I do have a cookbook coming out. It's called Filet Mignon. Please hit me up. Oh my God. The recipes are coming out. I've been putting them in smoothies because I'm on the go. Yeah. You lose all the fiber though. I know that.

And why am I eating a minion if I'm not getting fiber? Honestly, you can blend your minions, but just- This is an all-timer for me, you guys. Also do Metamucil. Like do something that will give you some light, or Miralax, because you're going to be constipated. Day three of eating minion smoothies, you're going to be constipated like all get up. All those overalls, working their way through your system.

Oh my gosh. There's not many ways to cook a minion. working their way through your system. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I watched the first 15 minutes, so I understand about the movie. You're getting it. Let me just lift up the box here and here's our special guest. Howard Dean. So you're going to be in a quick lightning bonus round against Howard Dean. JPC, are you ready? Yes. JPC, first question for you. What was Lucille Ball's social security number?

Lucille Ball, real person, also played Lucille on a television show. Okay. That is time. Howard Dean, same question. I dropped the card. A different question. When you stub your toe, you make this sound. That's a point for Howard Dean.

I love this. What's the score? Dean up two, right? It's two zero. It's two zero. It's a ball game. It's 2-0 ballgame in despite Oh, and actually you asked me a question. So that's Minus point for you. We go back to Howard Dean fuck Howard Dean Howard Dean once famously made this noise That's correct, it's 3 to negative 1 I knew that one JPC. Yes

Howard Dean lost his entire career for making this noise. Ah! JPC, that's correct. Yes! Sort of feels like Howard Dean stole that answer from him, though. Oh. No, that was me.

I was making it. Listen to Howard Dean make the noise. Ah! Ah! That's me. I was the second one to Howard Dean make the noise. That's me. I was the second one. One more time? Okay, JBC, can you leave a little more space between you and Howard Dean? Okay. Yeah, you're really like chomping at his heels there. Let him finish. Fine, Howard, please. Okay, and now I will go. Why does yours have crowd sounds? Fight Howard, please. RAAAAAAA! Okay, and now I will go. RAAAAAAA!

Why does yours have crowd sounds? Hahahaha! Howardeen wins that round. Come on! Okay, my first, we're back with Sydney's Rindles. My first is a sports fan's numerical unit. You said that's a Rindles's Rindles. My first is a sports fans numerical unit. This is F.S.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R. You can't make a single mistake here. You know, I might skip ahead to the email that a 13 year old girl sent in telling you guys to be nice to me.

I put together a little video montage for you guys of the last five years of just some stuff that I found, a little video that I found of us interacting on the podcast. And Casey, I think we're ready for this, right? And I would like to play it for you guys now and just you know just as a little gift. It's been a great five years and I've really enjoyed all of it.

What is this? Oh Aaron look at you! Oh my god! You look so young! Ah! This is when Addle wore the crazy hat. Addle, where did you get that hat? I'm at Hot Tub. Do you guys remember this? This is a video of an alligator eating a baseball coach. Addle, what do we want you to do?

Hair of Harrison. Oh my God, we went Harrison. Look at us, we're so high up. It's still a picture of an alligator eating a baseball coach. It's just inverted. Oh no, this is, what do they call this? A garbage plate.

Addle ate the whole garbage plate. No, that's an alligator eating a whole baseball coach. Oh my God, I was on the beach! Oh Erin, you burned so bad that day. Should've worn your big hat. That alligator's eating the baseball coach's hat. Just in sepia tones. Oh my god. Look at all the times I get and these are it's moving really quickly now but got five years. Look at all look at this. Wow. Yeah he's dead for sure. It's hard to believe

that we've gone through so much but look at us. Here we are. Oh, he superimposed us riding the alligator like a horse? Anyway, that's just a little gift from me to you guys. I wanted to put that little video montage together to kind of show you what we've meant to each other over the years and kind of all the things that we've accomplished. Thank you, JPC. Thanks, JPC.

That was really moving. What a sweet little tribute. Yeah. Wow. So JPC got 10 points for whatever that was that he said. And Erin, you get 50 points. How are you tired? Are you okay?

Have we broken you? Have we broken your spirit? You started this show with a song in your heart and a riddle in your hat And I fear that we've broken you down over time That can't be right Previously on hey riddle riddle. Hey Aaron JPC. What's up dick bags? Throat my nuts. Um, ow, did you guys wanna start a podcast? No, fuck you. It's about riddles.

Farts, leaves. I'm gonna beat up your dad. Oh, wow. And that was last week. That was episode 299. I do wanna see a scene. Aaron, you are, we'll say that you're like of college age Late teens early 20s you're coming back home to your family house and in the front yard is a tree

You planted when you were a kid Janet you are going to be this sort of giving tree Who has seen Aaron throughout the years and you're reconnecting after four years. Oh My goodness, is that who I think it is? Oh hey! Hello! Put down chainsaw. Hi! Oh my gosh you look so grown up!

You look amazing! How are you? You look so good! Oh my god you smell the same, you look the same. Oh, thank you! Thank you! Oh, it's so good to see you! Yeah, I'm surprised that you still talk. I thought it was sort of a whimsical childhood thing that I was imagining.

Oh, no, this is a lifelong curse. Ah, yes! As long as I, as long as there's a stitch of me left, including my roots, I am going to talk! But that means I can tell you how good it is to see you! There's a stitch of me left, including my roots. I am going to talk. But that means I can tell you how good it is to see you. You're so good to see you.

Yeah, I just tell you. Yeah. I mean, we had so much fun, right? I used to sit under your shade and read books. Oh my goodness. We had a tree house in you. We had a sweep, did a little tire swing. Tire swing.

And swing. Yeah. And swing. You talked me through most of my problems when my family wouldn't really talk to me. I told you how to clean your skin better so you wouldn't get those nasty pimples. Yeah, you taught me how to drive.

Well, speaking of all of that stuff we've done, you must be exhausted. You must be sort of like feeling like you're done. I feel good. I'm an extrovert. You know what I mean? So I recharge through my exchanges with people I care about. Like you.

Oh my God. Um, you know, um, I'm sort of home from college. My parents are sort of putting me to work doing some yard work for them. Mowing the lawn and stuff. Good for you. Aren't a little extra scratch. Yeah. Yeah. work for them, mowing the lawn and stuff. Good for you. You earn a little extra scratch. Yeah, yeah.

So you know, it's so funny. You are sort of causing a little bit of a headache for my parents. You're dropping a lot of those little things that fall from your tree onto their porch. Cherries? Yeah, they're trying to entertain more and my mom is sort of tired of Sweeping all the cherries off the porch. My dad is sort of worried about Oh, she's tired of me making delicious cherries. Yeah, okay

It's not the fucking cherries. She screams when you're not here When you're not here all day Dad get back in the house I'm just sick of that David, David, put the shotgun down please We're not here David put the shotgun down Fuck shell Silverstein the book the giving tree. Wow. Get fucked, Shel Silverstein. The book, the giving tree? We just did it. The pope is giving a speech. A man in the audience shoots the mayor who is behind the pope. Why?

Is it like mayor, like a horse? Like the pope is riding a horse, like doing a speech? Wow. That's a good guess. Can I ask you to be seen? Why would the horse be behind the pope? I'm not going to tell you yes or no, but can I ask if it was a horse, a mayor? Solve that riddle.

Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse?

Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot a horse? Why would a guy shoot to see? Why would the horse be behind the pope? I'm not going to tell you yes or no, but can I ask if it was a horse, a mare? Solve that riddle. Why would a guy shoot a horse behind the pope? That sounds like an old timey expression. The pope, this is like 1100 years ago. The pope has gotten off his horse to give the speech, and so the horse is behind him. Someone shoots the horse to spook the pope. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Of course. I just spit. Smacking the pope on his ass will spook the pope.

If you smack the pope on the ass, it spooks him. Okay, that's gotta be on the mountain rush more of my favorite sentences ever said on the show. Somebody shoots the horse to spook the pope. Somebody makes that song. She swallowed the spider to chase the fly. She swallowed the spider. She shot the horse to spook the pope.

She swallowed the pope. Who killed the bat, who died in the bat, swallowed the fly. I don't know why, huh? Let's do some more of these ditloids. Okay, this one is 12 M of a J. 12 M of a J. 12 M of a J. 12 months.

12. 12 months of a January. 12 monkeys on a jury. These monkeys can't pick out who's guilty. I do wanna see this, hey? Uh-huh. Um. Oh wait, is it 12 men, in brackets, angry, of a jury?

I mean, JBC, angry, of a jury? I mean, JBC, you pretty much have it. If you just sort of zoom out of men into maybe a wider populace. Or what if I zoom in on their members? 12 marks on a jury. All guys need marks. It is 12 members of a jury.

JBC got it right by using backward math. You want to see a scene? Aka Jibotria. JPC and Erin, you are two members of a jury. Erin, you are the one monkey of the jury. JPC, you're just one of the regular humans who's on the jury and you're trying to talk to the monkey to get them to agree to the verdict. Yeah. Look, you're the only holdout, okay? The other ten people in there, they just want to go home and they want to... He's innocent.

He's not. He's innocent. I mean, he's really... The state... I mean, look, I hate the whole process here as well, but the state painted a pretty compelling picture. I mean, this is a pretty violent guy. Oh yeah, remind me, was there video evidence of him doing it? Was there a video of it?

Yes. Yeah, I know, I know. I remember. It's unmistakable. They even brought in an expert saying it could not be a deep fake. There were eyewitnesses. He confessed, which I know technically got thrown out. We're not supposed to talk about that, but...

Right, right. We all just want to go home. Look, this is like a really... It's a pretty clear... Don't you have a family that you want to get back to? Yeah, yeah, of course. I just think he's innocent. And I'm standing on principle.

The monkey's holding something behind his back. Hey, look, I see that you have something behind your back, OK? No. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're a monkey. I'm a human. I'm like four feet taller than you. I can see kind see kind of at this angle. You're holding something behind your back. Okay

Not one. Do you just not want to leave? What is it? What do you have back there? The defense handed me a banana No, I swear I don't take bribes but We've been here three weeks are getting paid $15 a day. I come on man, please That's good that you know how many bananas you could buy with $15 a day in this sent Innocent we cut that two hours later All right, so this trial has been going on for 22 days.

Has the jury reached a verdict? Yes, your honor. Yes, your honor, sorry. Yes, your honor. Which one is the- I'm the foreman. And I'm the foreman. This is the foremonkey. You actually, you made both.

I don't know why. Really? Cause I put up a stink when you said foreman. I started to cry, I felt left out. That's right. Yes, your honor. We've come to a verdict. we've come to a verdict. We've come to a verdict. And?

We, the people of the jury. And one monkey. And one monkey. Thank you. Find the defendant innocent. It depends to the jury, we're all eating bananas. Guys, guys! It's so dumb. What starts with P and ends in O-R-N?

What starts with P? Popcorn. Parmesan. It's popcorn. Parmesan. Parmesan. Aw. Parmesan. Good. Pa- Good.

Parmesan. Welcome to Bainville. Have some Parmesan. Yeah, have some. It's me, Bainville. More Parmesan on your salad. Welcome to Bainville. Welcome to Bainville.

This is Bain of Gertrude Bainville. Say when. Say when on the Parmesan. That's Bain as a waiter. That's? Say when on the parmigiano. That's Bane as a waiter. That's Bane working at a Maggiano's. Oh my god. Have you tried the tilapia?

And you know, sometimes people give up on our episode at like the 40 minute mark, and they always miss out because this is the type of shit that happens towards the end of the episode. Did everyone leave room for Tiramisu? Yay! I love it, I love it, I love it. I do want to see a scene. Okay, be careful.

Aaron, you are walking in a wood. You come across the JPC who is a lion and I am a bear. La la la la la la. Oh! Ooh, scary. Don't tell our wives. Hey, yeah. Seed. That little, that little, maybe a little broke back mountain situation going on out there. Yeah, that's fine. They're being a little fair, whatever. Yeah, why not? I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a cat.

JPC is your kitten and you're teaching him to fish. I've got to be honest with you, this is mostly about getting out of the house. Gotta be honest with you. This is mostly about getting out of the house Um shouldn't we have like poles or like lures It seems like you just have like a six pack of Amstel light. Yeah And some peace and quiet that's sort of all you need for this. So I used to bring the Fishing rods out and stuff, but that's mostly just for show Occasionally I'll reach down and use my claws to pull out like a koi fish, expensive fish, but um

mostly I just drink my beer and I think about some of my exes. Should I should you be should I should I be privy to this? I mean this seems like kind of like too much for like me like a kitten like should... You're talking a lot I- For what this is We don't talk? Do you want your iPad?

Did you bring your iPad? No, you said we're going out to the lake. I didn't bring my iPad because it's the lake I thought we were gonna be- Can you imagine you're watching your little YouTube videos on your iPad and I'll just sit here and come here and think of my exes Just kind of imagine it like repress this later. I guess I can just repress this layer No, you don't have to repress it. I don't I like you know what I'm definitely gonna want to do that I'm definitely gonna want to repress this no no no you'll be fine. It's fine. Could you tell me about something your exes me? Maybe I get to know you better. We really don't have much time to ever you know. I don't really know anything about you

I I blew it with all of them. It was me I was the problem. Probably still the problem with your mom you know. And then in a couple years I'll be sitting out here thinking about her on the boat you know. Oh I hope not. I mean I don't want to. I hope not. Yeah I mean for me for my. I mean I don't really appreciate things until they're gone That's sort of my curse on this planet, you know, well, maybe you could Try to appreciate me. Well, I'm here and we could fish together See another deep sigh am still light

We just got a sponsor request from Amstel Light and they denied it before I could click yes. No. They can't afford us, honestly. Yeah, they can't afford us. And also they absolutely can, and for cheaper than you'd think. That backfired, that bit backfired.

An animal, and we learned this already, so nobody freaked out, we already gave you this terrible news maybe 100 to 200 episodes ago, an animal that can orgasm for up to 90 minutes. Pig, pig, pig, pig. I don't wanna think about it, I don't think it's fair to bring that back up. I'm really sorry, I feel sick about it too. I don't think it's kosher to bring it back up I don't think it's kosher to bring it back up.

I know it's not kosher to bring it back up. Let's take a quick break and Casey, plug in that pig orgasm sound for the next hour. No, no, no, no. I have old man puzzles. She's in charge. No, just play the pig orgasm sound without going to break. Can we at least talk over it?

Or is it? Are we talking over it right now? Please tell me we're talking over it. Please tell me we're doing something Cut through the noise Let's try and match its tone And I don't want to put too fine a point on it but Ross I think you're the person with a gunk in your ears in the Thing that what JPC was suggesting you have gunk in your ears in the thing that what JPC was suggesting.

You have gunk in your ears. And Casey, turn up the pig orgasm in Ross's headphones. So if you're named Ross right now, you are hearing an unbearable squeal. Ross is gonna need that really loud because of all the gunk in his ears. I mean, it's bearable. It's bearable.

It's bearable. Erin, why are you fanning yourself? Your cheeks are flushed. Let's not even joke about me being horny about it. If a pig can hear it for 90 minutes, y'all can hear it for the last 15 minutes of this episode, OK? That's not up for debate.

I'm dying. I hate it. I hate it. Casey, listen to me. Listen to me. I'm your boss. Make this episode 2 and 1 half hours long. At the hour mark, our episode ends

and then I want you to put a 90 minute chunk of big orgasm in the end. No. So many people are gonna be like, ooh, a two and a half hour episode of Hey, Riddleriddle, this must be something special. What a treat. No, no, no.

Oh, and Janet's there? A really special episode. I can't wait. Here's my issue with that. Normally, maybe a hundred episodes ago, I'd go, Casey, of course, a 90 minute of a big one to the end of the episode, of course. You've really matured.

Thank you. I thank you. But I also think my level of self-awareness, I have this overwhelming feeling that people are about to hit their wall with us. I think a lot of patience and goodwill are about to run out, and I think we're on the thinnest of ice

And I think that us in 2019 2020 maybe could have gotten away with 90 minute pig orgasm I don't think we have the goodwill for that and I want to respect our listeners enough to know that we don't Beautiful speech. I hope there was a pig orgasm playing underneath that speech So that it's playing the national anthem, but it's an auto tune pig orgasm. You just added two hours of work to Casey. I hope you're happy, Janet. I think the biggest problem that Casey's probably going to bring up in the end of this episode

is that there is no open source pig orgasm. Like sure, there's plenty of YouTube videos. Casey's going to need to make a pig orgasm. Yeah, Casey We do a lot of work with talking on the podcast Why don't you just make a 30-second pig orgasm sound and loop it Casey? About altruism. It's about altruism for humanity And if there isn't an open source pig orgasm out there there Casey, that's what your responsibility is It's making me nervous that we don't see Casey typing

Did Casey? Yeah Another a different browser pig orgasm open source not royalty free pig orgasm 90 minute I'm not reading what he said. I'm not reading what he said. I'm not reading it either. I'm not reading it either. I'll read it. Here's what I'll say. I'll read it because it is very funny.

Casey wrote, fingers busy jacking this pig off. And let's go on a break. I like... That's me clapping. And we're back from that break. I hope anyone came back. I doubt it. I doubt it.

I can tell you who came back is the pig All right, everybody we're back and I want to give a big shout out to our new audio editor, please welcome Doreen Doreen Say hi All right Doreen's dead And we're back from the final break we're so sorry, okay, here we go Old audio editor is back. Please welcome to the show our editor for the longest time piggy jerky How I hate this I hate this I did the it was the barber strives in effect I was trying to glaze over the pig orgasm

Oh, yeah, no, don't say glaze glaze glaze ham come on now, and then I drew more attention to it. Oh Eat pigs and also they can orgasm That's the good news, but I do deny a pig You would deny a pig pleasure, Erin? Disgusting. Oh, guys, I actually, I am gonna start gagging. All right, wait, stop. I felt that. I felt my gag reflex sort of turn on. Oh no. You guys, did I tell you I'm having a thing?

Turn on. No, no, no, Jupiter. I'm actually done. We're getting the hell out of here. No! No, Casey, no! Casey, please! I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Dang, I hate this. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Can we go on another break? That might be my favorite episode of the week. I know. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 32, 33, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 42, 43, 44, 43, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 45, 45, 44, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45,

45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45itzel, Ritzel. Aaron Keefe, are you ready? I'm very ready. Thank you, Adel. Your options are Insanity Defense, Oh, Melodious, and the third option is Understanding Big F- Ho, ho, ho, Aaron. It's me, Boston Santa. Love it.

I'm back to tell you once again, aura, aura about aura, aura frame. I love it. Tell me all about it. I love aura frames. Oh good. From big events to the silly moments you capture every day, like Santa eating a lobster roll,

which I've downloaded into all your aura frames. I already had it. I already had it. That was a $35 lobster roll Santa. Doesn't it sometimes feel like all your favorite favorite photos are just stuck on your camera roll? Well, wouldn't it be great to have in a easy way to share and enjoy them with friends in Bostonian family? Mm-hmm, War Frames are the best digital photo frames. They're so easy to use. They're so intuitive You can send it to your old old old parents and they'll be able to set it up and have a bunch of photos they love circles through their homes. It looks so great.

I like the one that we have in our house because my wife and I both have the app and so we'll change the pictures and upload them without like telling the other one and then you'll like walk by and see like a new photo that you hadn't seen before which is really nice. Of course I'm wearing a Santa suit but it's's all Red Sox themed. I'm in love. And if you want to fall in love, why don't you save on the perfect gift by visiting Aura frames.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver matte frames by using promo code riddle at checkout. That's Aura frames.com promo code rid-A, frames.com, promo code RIDDLE. This deal is exclusive to listeners,

so get yours now and time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. Ah, Erin, did you wanna go grab a cannoli? I will follow you anywhere. On Maki and Donnie and Blitza and Joey. I'm so happy! You guys must see I'm looking a little smug today. I absolutely aced my Helix Sleep Quiz. Oh, Erin, you were up all night studying for that, right?

Uh, yeah, and turns out I didn't need to. It was super easy and only took two minutes, and it paired me with a midnight lux, the best mattress I've ever slept on on my whole life. And I was joking about you being up all night. JPC and I checked on you and you were sound asleep. On my Helix mattress? Yeah, you can study in your dreams though. You know, I just had this thought the other day, which is, I, this is going to be a little scary, but I don't mind scaring our listeners because I think that they can handle it.

I've had my Helix mattress for four years. I was like, eventually I will get to buy another helix mattress. I'm like, I'm going, I'm going to have multiple helix mattresses in my lifetime. And I was like, looking forward to a new mattress. I have to wait a little while because four years is not enough time to change out your mattress. But it's going to happen. It's going to come for your mattress. Yeah. But it's gonna happen. It's gonna come for me eventually. I have a smart ring that I wear while I sleep. And my sleep is going so well. I know you can't tell by my face

because I have a very sleepy looking face, but I'm a well rested lady. Erin, how many hours a night you getting? 40. 10. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. And Gemma and I have the best night's sleep of our lives on our midnight luxe and all of our cats, including our new fourth cat Martini, sleep on the bed together.

And the amazing thing is, but also the dangerous thing is, we have room on this huge bed for, I don't know, 10 more cats. And we've got to fill that space. You've got to fill that space. I was saying to someone this weekend how I will never go back from a king size I once you have a size mattress. It's it's game over. That's the lot That's you you can never go smaller and I don't need to go bigger, but I'm thinking you know, hey man What what of these days what if I get taller kings for?

Kings, so if you want to buy four king-size mattresses and use our promo code, we'd absolutely love that. Right now, you can get 20% off plus two free pillows for all mattress order. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. Erin, what'd you get on your sleep quiz? 40 hours, no sorry, midnight lux. I'm gonna have to look at this quiz, Erin, because I just don't know you're doing it, right?

I don't know. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, Adel, Aaron, there you are. OK, this is, uh, I was going to say this is perfect, but if you're here, then I can't test my new Where in the World is Adel and Erin website. Oh, the one you made with Squarespace. Yep. Mm-hmm. The all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

Yeah, so I mean, the premise of Where in the World is Erin and Adel is pretty simple. We have users submit things that they think smell like Erin or look like Adol. Then we use that to triangulate your location and it's like a fun game for people to play. But if you're here, the game can't play it. Well, I'm trying to be supportive and Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. It's like online courses, blogs, videos, and memberships.

Earn recurring revenue by gating your content behind a paywall. Simply set the price and choose whether to charge a one-time fee or a subscription for access. So you can like charge people to see. Yeah, if you become a member, I send you like a big magnifying glass that you can use to like look for clues to like find your exact location.

Weird. Cool though. I'm into it, I think. Yeah, almost as cool as Squarespace's design intelligence. Combining two decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential, JPC, design intelligence empowers anyone, including you, to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence.

Yeah, and I kind of use that to kind of like craft like composites of what YouTube may look like based on all the smells and things that people are submitting. So that's, yeah. What do you think, by the way, of your avatars? Yeah, it's my body with a wheel of cheeses ahead. I love it. Yeah, and with Squarespace email campaigns, all of the tools you need to engage your subscribers,

drive sales, and simplify your audience management. Set up automated emails to build connections while saving time and easily integrate your products into email templates to drive sales and increase site traffic. So if someone submits one of your smells, I can email blast that smell out to everybody and then they can be on the smell out, look out but for smells, for one of your smells. I can email blast that smell out to everybody and then they can be on the smell out Look out but for smells for one of your smells I'm into this so head to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to Squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain

Okay. Hey look. I just got another e- I got to do your- hold on it's the same guy. Let me write back real quick. That is not what they smell like. Stop submitting it. Addle, did you email him? Yeah, sorry. We get a lot of this guy. Whew, and done. AddleGPC, I used all the money I saved using rocket money

where they canceled all the subscriptions that I wasn't using to build a rocket that I'm going to take to space. Okay, let me get this straight. You used all the money you saved by using Rocket Money, which is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unordered subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings to build an actual rocket so you can take that rocket to space. That's exactly what I was saying.

Now, Rocket Money has over five million users, correct me if I'm wrong, Erin, built in actual Rocket so you can take that Rocket to space. That's exactly what I was saying. Now, Rocket Money has over five million users, correct me if I'm wrong, Erin, and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. But unlike those happy customers, you're going to go to space. Yes, I saved $740 this year and that's why I'm going to go to space. Okay, you're wearing a lampshade and sweatpants. Yes, I saved seven hundred and forty dollars this year and that's why I'm going to go to space Hey, you're wearing a lampshade and sweatpants. Yes, I am So rocket money which has a dashboard that gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts

Let's you easily create a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep your spending on track See your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money is going and get alerts if bills increase in price There's unusual spending activity or if you're close to going up for budget you use that exactly save $720 and that $720 $740 $740 has gone into a rocket yes that you could take to space and the lampshade is gonna help me breathe up there okay JPC and I are ready blast off Queen we want to watch blast off Queen blast off Queen stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by Okay, JPC and I are ready blast off Queen we want to watch Queen blast off Queen Stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money comm slash riddle That's rocket money comm slash riddle rocket money comm slash riddle our ID DLE

Whoa, JPC look she's doing it 10 9. Oh wait 8 7 oh she's running 5 is running in a circle 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, Money's safe with rocket but it should never be used to build a rocket to go to space, but going to space would matter, and life-shaping would protect your space. Don't break up a life-shaping space, we're gonna use a life-shaping to cover a lamp. Erin keep her head on a tree and then she hit her head on the tree and now she don't. Bigfoot. I'm gonna to do Insanity Defense.

Hello everyone. I'm Erin Keith and I'm a defense attorney and I'm here with Adel Rafai, who is a prosecutor. And the debate up for today on Insanity Defense, our new public access TV show that we run, is JPC, John Patrick Cohen, from Indiana. Is that true? Yes, he's from Indianapolis, Indiana. It says right here in his birth. Well, it's not a certificate.

It's more of a birth shroud. It's sort of like the shroud of Turin, but with his face. Why is it glowing? Clown makeup. I don't know. It's been doing that. Every time we say his name, it with his face. Um, why is it glowing clown makeup? I don't know. It's been doing that every time we say his name, it glows harder. Uh, um, okay.

Well, and I am, and I am the judge. Oh God. Okay. No, I am covered. Am I, and I'm the judge. You're covered in Greece. What is this? Greece.

Okay. Asked and answered. Um, uh, JPC, actually we hadn't introduced you yet, but now that you are out here, you are going to sit in the throne in the middle of the set, and I am going to defend the fact that you are not insane. Wish you weren't covered in grease. This is gonna be a little hard.

And Adel, you are going to prove that he is insane, and whoever wins gets $100. That's right. And you're not just gonna be on trial for the two of us, JPC. You're going to be reviewed by a group of your peers. Now what are peers? Peers are pretzels that we've dipped in beer. So all around the courtroom you'll see there's a big pile of peers.

Those are pretzel soaked beers. Sorry, those are beer soaked pretzels. The pretzel soaked beers, did that turn out how we wanted them to and next week Adel will be in the hot seat Damn it, of course Where JPC and I will both decide this is on me part of the reason I am so greasy as I did eat all of the beer pretzels I Totally misunderstood what this was So I apologize. We are going to begin with our opening statements.

We're going to flip a coin. Al, you can call it. Oh, he ate the coin. He ate the coin. Okay, let me call it. I thought it was a chocolate coin. Let me call it, let me call it. Okay.

Five, five, five, eight, two, three, four. Oh, my coin's ringing. Oh, boy. Hello? Yes, is thisring, brrring, brrring. Oh, my coin's ringing. Oh, boy. Hello? Yes, is this the coin that was just swallowed by JPC? Where am I? That's not important. We're going to try and get you out.

It's awful in here. Oh, my god, there's live bees. Ma'am, I know. This guy ate a shovel, a shovel full of loose bees, I want to say like five years ago. Ma'am, can you tell us whether you're heads or tails? Oh my God, the bee from the bee movies here. He's smoking and watching Seinfeld.

He's smoking. Holy shit. Oh God, it's awful in here. Oh God, kill me, kill me. Well, we can't do that. Can you just tell us if you're heads or tails? Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that makes. So I was walking down the street and all of a sudden a car screeches in front of me to

get to the car. There should be no smoking down there. I've told him a million times, there's no smoking down there. It hurts my esophagus, something fierce when they smoke down there. Oh, no. My phone's dying. Oh, God. Kill me. Kill me. -♪ BEEPING CONTINUES... -♪

I don't know what was it. Your Honor, Your Honor, all of that took place inside of JPC's head just now. Of course, Aaron and I were silently standing while JPC undulated on the ground. And what we were able to project onto the TV using the head device JPC is wearing is what he thinks is happening. Head?

Whoops. Go ahead and reconfigure this. So sorry. Your honor, no further questions? Great opening statements. Um, I would like to counter with this argument. You know, when someone steps on a nail and it causes a lot of damage

and it goes through their foot and it is- A quiet place. Yes, exactly. Home alone. Exactly. What if it was a bed of nails and you lay down on it? The weight is distributed in such a way

that those nails can't harm you anymore. What the hell is this hole? Am I a puppet? hell is this hole? Am I a puppet? What is this hole? This is like a hand hole for a hand to go in. Stop it. Sorry, I'll figure it out later.

Your honor, JPC doesn't have legs. She's clearly a puppet. Excuse me, I am in the middle of my opening statements. If JPC was just one thing, a puppet, a menace to society, somebody who has Jerry Seinfeld or the B from B movie watching Jerry Seinfeld inside of him. Yes, I'd be the first to argue that he is insane. But when all of these things come together, they shoot the moon.

Your honor objection. And they loop back around to normal. Yes. Your honor objection. I'll hear it. I'll. Yes. Your honor objection. I'll hear it, I'll hear it. He doesn't have the B from B movie watching Seinfeld in his stomach.

He has the B from B movie watching Seinfeld in his stomach while a quarter sings Amazing Grace. Didn't taste like a quarter. Thank you for proving my point. Tasted like a big nickel. Tasted like a big nickel. Thank you for proving my point. He's filled with money.

He eats money more than he spends money, more than he saves money. And if that was all he did, he would be insane. But that's not it. Your Honor, Your Honor, I'd like to call my first witness to the stands. Ah, look, we're getting pretty late in the day. Why don't we take lunch?

Unzips backpack, pulls out a shoe, puts it on the table, pulls out another shoe, puts it on the table right next to the first shoe, pulls out a big jar of peanut butter, unscrews the lid. Big knife inside of the peanut butter, spreads the peanut butter all over the first shoe, glues it to the side of head. Peanut butter on the second shoe,

glues it to the other side of head. And now I walk with, by slamming my head onto the ground over to the subway. One sandwich, please. Your Honor, I rest my gaze. Is that your witness? Your Honor, I rest my gaze. Slam, slam, slam, slam.

No, no, he might order something normal. Give him a chance. He might order something normal. I'm back. I'm back from my lunch. They did not have a cookie sub, so I did not eat at subway today. Your Honor, he walked into Abbey Road Studios. from breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast

and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast and breakfast like JP Riddles and a guy that just got electrocuted come a little too naturally to him? Yes. Did he casually announce the birth of his first child in a Patreon episode several months after they were born? Of course. Of course. I can't argue against that. But this guy is actually, look closer, a functioning member of society.

This man is a homeowner. This man is a father. This man pays his taxes on time. He has a treadmill in his house, I think. This is a functioning member of society. He's not just a guy with the B from B movie and a quarter sticking Amazing Grace inside of him. He's a guy who has the B from B movie and a quarter singing Amazing Grace inside of him.

Who shows up to work on time. Thank you. Thank you, Erin. Thank you. And a lot of people, I mean, look, I'm just me. I'm flushing bones. He's floating, Your Honor, he's floating. A lot of people have a skeleton inside of them because that's the bones they were born with. But I got a skeleton inside me because I ate a skeleton. Okay, Adel, here's your hundred dollars. He ate the bones. He ate the bones.

He wins. That one I love. And that I feel good about. That's a new Rovers as Wade. Is it? They'll overturn that one too. Just as important. God damn.

I do want to see a scene. Let's say, JPC, you are a renegade goat. And Aaron, you and I are just like regular goats. And JPC has come back from maybe like a Ayahuasca trip or something, and that's why he's got this new renegade personality. Good grass today, huh? Yeah, so good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Chester? Is he wearing a leather coat? Whoa, Chester. Kinda. Couldn't quite get it on, and then I'll make these for goats.

What's up, nerds? What's up, sheeple What's up sheeple? Not much. Pester. What are you guys eating, grass? Yeah, hillside grass. Can you take off your sunglasses? Yeah, I can, she's not too.

I'm having takis. You guys ever had takis? No, what's a taki? Dude, I can't even begin. What are you taki-ing about? All right, what's a talkie? Dude, I can't even begin. What are you talkie-ing about? All right, what's up, Melissa? Kind of a new side to you I haven't ever seen before. Oh, yeah, I'm just doing goat stuff this morning, Chester.

What are you up to? Is that a little tattoo on your hoof? Oh, is this a tattoo on my hoof? Oh, that's right, I got wasted last night and got a goat tattoo. What makes it a goat tattoo? Tattoo that they give a goat. I got it on my hoof because that's right, I got wasted last night and got a goat tattoo. What makes it a goat tattoo? Tattoo that they give a goat. I got it on my hoof because that's the, I don't think we have like nerve

index there. Also it just, it's like black on black. So it's like that really easy to show up, but you know, it's a goat tattoo. Yesterday when you fainted in front of the whole herd You seem to kind of like run away embarrassed sort of crying like a goat No, and then now you have a leather jacket and a tattoo wasn't me actually Maybe actually I fainted or like kind of fell down because of how fucked up. I was on ayahuasca Don't know if you guys have ever had ayahuasca before, ever heard of that before? The drug?

Okay. What's going on with you? Melissa? Damn, is Melissa cool? What? I read a book, I know we're not supposed to. Melissa! I'm sorry.

Hey, hey honey, Melissa, honey. Yeah, what's up? Um, we're happily married, right? I mean, every morning we graze on the hillside and then we fall asleep, we wake up, we graze some more, we fall asleep, we graze on the hillside and then we fall asleep. We wake up we graze some more fall asleep We graze some more we fall asleep. I haven't been sneaking into the house and reading. Oh Trying to get an open Chester. Oh Yeah, okay. What do they say to his headset? No, if it's not points on the back end, I'm not interested

I'm not I don't I don't I don't get out of bed for more than four points points on the back end Is he'sing and dealing? My goat ass. Does he have human money at his disposal? He's pacing back and forth on two hooves. Why don't you just call me Jeff when you've got it done, OK? What do I pay you for? Sorry about that, guys.

That's my fucking agent. Whoa. Agent for what? Oh, I mean, just like, he technically does commercial stuff, but he's trying to like branch out and now he's like doing movie, you know, whatever, but like he's solid on the commercial stuff.

I'm gonna let him run with it because it's like, you know, it's his bag too, but. Chester, you've changed. New job, new tattoo, new haircut. Whoa, you dropped these. Short on the sides, long on the top. Well, you dropped these tickets. What is tickets? Amy Grant Christmas Special Grand Ole Opry?

How are you affording Amy Grant tickets? Well, one of these has my name on it. Chester. Melissa, no. Well, it was supposed to be a Christmas surprise, but, um... Chaz, if you look at the other ticket it's got your name on it oh I can't read so I mean I can't read this is what the guy told me that Melissa can read that seems like bigger news right hey real quick these are Amy Grant tickets for the Grand Alapie right

well that's what they smell like but I don't know how I know how to read. We can smell. I can intuit. Seen. That was a renegade goat, y'all. JBZ, we're coming back to you. Are you ready for your next three? Yeah, I'm ready. Sister Who presents Blood Squad TV, What the Hell Was That? We're gonna do What the Hell was That. Music

Welcome back to What the Hell was That. I'm Rick Mixley. This is the only show where we interview people who just got hit by a car. Excuse me, ma'am, what is your name? Oh! Ow! Ma'am, I need your name. Ma'am, I need your name. What is your name? Oh! Oh! My name is, I need your name. Ma'am, I need your name. What is your name? Oh, oh, oh, my name is, um, Carla. Um, ow, can you, um... Carla, can you name, can you name all four members of the Beastie Boys?

Where's the driver of this car? Carla, for $100. Was it you? Did you hit me with your car and then run out and put a microphone in my face? Five, four, three, two, one. The Beastie... I'm sorry Carla the Beastie Boys Carla what's ten times ten

okay eight five f4 get out of the fucking road eight five Carla we need your answer eight times five plus four times ten I'm trying to remember your license plate f85 times ten college you know his president right now Carla do you know who is president right now? Carla, do you know who is president right now? The Beastie Boys.

And who was president 100 years ago today? The Beatles. Carla, what is the tallest building in Dubai? The tallest building in Dubai. You hit me with your car. All right, Carla, unfortunately, we are looking at the board, and you have lost. I'm sorry Carla, you have lost.

Take me to the hospital. Alright, have a good day. What the hell just happened? What the hell just happened? I'm Rick Mixley. She said it. I'm Rick Mixley. She said it.

Alright. Hey everybody, it's Rick Mixley. I'm back in the studio. Just wanted to announce Carla did not make it. She died from injury sustained at the scene of the accident. Let's have a moment of silence for Karla. I'm Rick Dixie! We're back with What the Hell Happened? This guy just got hit by a fucking car. Sir, what is your name? Oh, I'm my my back. Sir, your name is you name my back, sir. What is your name?

No, my name is Ryan Black. name is your name my backs or what is your name no no my name is Ryan black Ryan black you are our next contestant Ryan black how many feet away from the moon is the Sun a thousand what Santa Claus is birthday Ryan black the summer 25th and that's Jesus's birthday no wait no even close. He wouldn't give gifts on his birthday. Tune first. Sssh. Ryan Black, how many blankets are in a standard hotel bed? Four.

Ryan, you are not doing well, my man. And that's not just because you just got hit by a car. It's because you're really bad at this game. Ryan, you have an X, a V, an R, an S, a T, a U, and a W. Do you want to solve the puzzle? Uh, Ad Rock, Mike D, um, who's the third? Hey everybody, this is Rick Mixley. It's Rick with my car. AHHHHH!

Hey, I'm Carla's sister! Hey, what's your name? What's your name? Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, This is Billy Eichner. I just want to say that I'm glad that Rick Mixley got hit. He tried to present me with a new show called Billy in the Street. And I said, no, no, no. Did you hit Billy Eichner with that car? What is your name? For a dollar.

For a dollar, what is your name? Scene. Scene. Scene. Scene. Scene. All right, small, mean, or large. You go to the grocery store and it's absolutely packed.

You struggle to find parking. When you enter the store, it's chaos. There are people running around pushing and shoving, and an employee doing their best to clean up an absolutely destroyed fresh fruit display. You ask them what's going on, and they say everyone's trying to get these new baked beans. Baked beans, you say? What's so special about baked beans?

The employee tells you that they're absolutely crazy. Apparently they taste like nothing You've ever had before they say they're life-changing, but good luck getting them They're completely sold out, and they hope they never get another delivery They go back to cleaning up their mess you finish shopping And you're checking out the lines are incredibly long And there's only two lanes open as you're waiting in line that stretches back into the aisle a person pretends to be reaching over you To grab something on the shelf, and then they sneak their cart in front of you.

You tell them nice try but they can't cut the line. They get indignant and start to yell to make a big scene but you keep your calm and tell them to get to the back of the line. They make a big scene of turning their cart around and they knock into yours. And when you go to the checkout, you notice that one of their items must have spilled into your cart. It's that new kind of baked beans. You figure, why not?

And you load it on the conveyor belt to have it scanned. But when it is scanned, you notice that the screen says that they're charging $100 for a can. You tell the cashier that there's a mistake and those aren't yours, and then they lower their voice a little and they ask you if you're sure. They say that the rumor is that Congress is going to ban them soon, and this might be your only chance to try them. They say the baked beans are insane, and you'd have to be insane to miss this opportunity.

You aren't sure about it, but you don't want to miss out, so you agree to pay the $100 for the beans. On the way to your car, a man calls out to you. He says he was in line behind you and he overheard your conversation. He can tell that you weren't really sold on the beans, but he'll give you $200 cash right now to take them off your hands. He's right. You don't even know if you wanna try the beans, so you agree to the deal. He reaches into his wallet to hand you the cash. Small mean or large, what's the nomination you think these bills are in?

What a roller coaster. JPZ, do you mind reading this one again? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! And as you can see, the sloth will take its time coming towards the food here.

And just lay your hand real flat. Just lay your hand very flat. Okay, the sloth is going to grab that. Whoa. And once again, I'm going to ask everyone here in the meet and greet audience, if you are on drugs, please do not come near the sloth. The sloth can. What, you could tell? I can't, but the sloth can sense it.

It is a pretty natural ability of the sloth to be able to detect drugs, and it will drive him insane. So just make sure no one has drugs. Oh, I'm not on drugs. I just have a question. I just have a question for the sloth, or the man for the sloth. I just have a question I just question for the sloth or the man for the sloth as the question is the

For in terms of drugs what is not or what him is it to is maybe is to having Drinks if you bought legal alcohol drinks at the zoo bar Sorry what my husband's trying to say is if the orange juice you had had too much mimosa in it So much because she absolutely reads my mind when it comes to this stuff baby baby any other questions how does um how does the sloth um how does the sloth know when it's in love? That is a great question. Now, if you're talking about a three-toed sloth.

I know when I was in love. Minute one, day one, second one, week one, year one. She's gonna tell the story. She's gonna tell the story. If you say second one, you don't have to go into minute, hour, day, week. Though that's all implied. That's all implied.

Do we replace orders for mimosas through you or does a waiter come by or does a bar come by? More mimosas. More mimosas. Sorry. The mimosas are only available in our Boa Bar, which is of course the snake themed restaurant and grill. I'm gonna tell the story.

I was on a Ferris wheel, I needed a notebook. And I was on the Ferris wheel and I didn't think I needed the seatbelt and I fell off, I broke my neck three years later. Three years. I'm at a Nordstrom rack and I see a handsome man and he's buying pants and I go, why do you need pants when you can cover up a butt that good? And he laughed and he introduced me to his brother and that's my husband. We were one second one, one minute one, you get one, week one.

I'm sorry, you fell off a Ferris wheel and broke your neck and lived. And what a life it is. She thrive. She thrive. Oh, you're the special guy, huh? Husband, man, when you listen to this story, I got the hottest brother in the world.

You've got the hottest brother in the world, okay. Remember I saw the brother in Northstrom Rack and hit on him and then he introduced me to his brother and now we get the most upset at the snake room. We get the most upset at the snake room on which my brother is in Kendall Love. My brother's married, okay, he's a good guy. He would never throw away what he's got with Katherine

just for, you know, just a chance encounter in the Northstrom Rack and we were actually there buying pants Because all of my pants got stolen because I was involved in a crib so currency fraud So again, this is mostly for kids for the kids. Does anybody enjoy this talk? It all the kids are silent as a little church miss Any kids here a fan of blue these church moose II's these are two moose II's Anybody like blue II I see a few hands now what we have here is a Well, it's a dog. We've died blue I don't mean to speak to it turns out a turn but my wife gives some of the best blue ways

Sorry, they're good not great I'm never! They're good, not great. I'm a front, she get great ones, I get good ones. No, you've never had a blue-e from a woman with a broken back before? It's all worth it, baby. Mm-hmm, and my husband gives the best bandit and bingo this side of Australia. A round of mimosas for the whole children, please. Yeah, minoza for the children too, because it's just orange juice. Hey, hey, I'm Mikey. Yeah, Maneza for the children too because it's just orange juice. Hey hey um Mikey hey hey hey hey buddy hey um hey oh my god hi uh oh my god are you eating a tuna sandwich smells so good uh would love that been craving that you know how you told me to come

with you come to you not with you, with only good news. Cause I sort of, my classic fuck up here at the zoo. Mikey, you know what I'm talking about. You know how normally I would only come to you with good news. I get 15 minutes a day to eat my tuna sandwich. Just 15 minutes and that's all. I'm just trying to eat my tuna sandwich. It's 15 minutes.

And Mikey, I considered the timing of this and I made a calculated choice. And I decided that if once you find out what I'm gonna tell you, you're gonna be glad I interrupted. The tuna, the tuna 15. The tuna 15. The tuna 15. No, that's nothing.

Don't say it. Don't keep saying it like that. It's nothing. The tuna 15. What's it a play? What did you do? Janet, what did you do? Did I?

Did I do? The implications that I did something. And then this time it would be correct, but it also is sort of a bit of a mystery to be solved in a way Mikey. There's sort of a game afoot Currently here at the zoo. Mr. Mikey sir. Can I have your pickle? No, it's in the sandwich. Oh my god, but it's chopped up pickle Is calling my name can I get your fingers get it get your fingers out of my okay? Take it? It's yours. It's yours. I don't want it now Oh, I just get nervous when I eat or no

That's what I meant to say the opposite of which is I eat when I'm nervous Mikey you do what an afternoon, huh? I've seen you do both hump day am I right? It's Thursday. Yeah, it's Thursday Yes, I know and that I I do know, but you can hump any day of the week if you're doing good. No, no, stop. I'm your boss. You can't say stuff like that to me. I know. And this I actually do know. You took a three hour class. Several classes. Three hours over three days, one hour each day. Good HR, great HR. No, it was supposed to be three hours each day.

Yeah, but I sort of got overwhelmed with the amount of information that they let me sort of parse it out. Anyways, Mikey, any plans for the weekend? That's not why I'm here. Mikey. Something did happen. And it did happen so fast. And it is currently still happening. And that's

the Tune of 15. That's nothing. The Tune of 15 is nothing, please. Can't it be though? And speaking of things being nothing, I'm so sorry about just the last couple months. I know I was sort of a risk hire for you, a risk you called it. And I know that I've not been up to your standard

or anyone's standards really. Yeah, yes. And I wanna apologize for that and I will have something more to apologize once you find out oh what happened i would janet i would love for you just to tell me what you did okay we don't need to relitigate everything is that a diet coke can i have the one set i'm sort of crashing i just opened it you just heard me open the Diet Coke. Yeah, it did like, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, t I don't know. I don't know if I like it. Mikey! I need more time to sit with it. You're buzzing. It's hard to give you dews like this when you are in such an intense mood. Take a deep breath. It'll be fine when you find out what happened at the zoo.

I just need you to tell me what happened at the zoo. Please, Janet, just tell me what happened. At this point, I don't even think you're going to be in trouble. I know that you're not well equipped. It's your newish here. It's probably not your fault. I just wanna know what happened so I need to know how to respond to it. Is a pain in your heart a panic attack because of what you did at the zoo

or could it be a heart attack? Or could it be a heartburn from the pickles and the Diet Coke? You put pickles in the Diet Coke? I mean, where else am I'm I'm on the go finish it finish it finish it where else am I gonna put the pickles and that was you to 15 and you know 15 oh my god could you open a window Mikey how do you breathe in here Mikey we're on a patio. This is a patio. There's no windows. We're on a patio.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh my God, I would love to be at a pool. Do you have a pool? I see what you're doing. I swim after work today. I see what you do. You're eyeing the polar bear exhibit and you cannot go in that pool.

I would love to. But you can't. Why? But you just can't, because the polar bear is in there and it would not respond well to a person being in there. I don't know. Clarice gets bear is in there and it would not respond well to a person being in there I don't know Clarice gets to go in there polar bear trainer my fucking ass fuck her. I didn't mean that

I learned to not say that I took I'm really really sorry. All right, I'll come out and say it I'll just say it. It's the tune of 15. This is a sacred time of day. I will just say what happened You and I love each other. we're best friends, we're close. There's sort of a flirty vibe between you and me. No, Janet, you're gonna have to take the class again. You're gonna have to take the class again. Ah, it's so boring. It's three hours that I only go to an hour of.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll say it, I can say it, it's easy to say. But isn't it so weird when you start to be aware of the stuff that you're saying? And you're like, oh, I am a robot. I am talking with words. No, you can't get in trouble. Okay, your dads are the owners.

Write it down. What's that? Write down that I can't get in trouble. It won't matter. Okay, fine. I will. Do you have a pen? I have a Diet Coke. That's my Diet Coke. Well, here, I'll just, I'll do it in have a pen? I have a Diet Coke.

That's my Diet Coke. Well, here, I'll just, I'll do it in Diet Coke. I'll get a little on my finger. You finished the whole Diet Coke. There's no Diet Coke left. No, you know what? Verbal agreement. I cannot get in trouble. You won't get in trouble because your dad's own the place.

So, yes. Can't, won't, shan't, wouldn't, couldn't, the tune of 15. The lions are loose. I let the lions out they're loose hello I am Claudia Peterson coming to you at the top of the hour from the Columbus Zoo I am here because there are several lions loose here at the zoo we are unsure of how they got out I think they got out during the tune of 15 earlier this afternoon We will be coming to you for the rest of the night live coverage here at the zoo We don't know if they're still on the premises

We don't know if they managed to wander into downtown Columbus But we have all of our best guys on it and we will be bringing you information as it comes in That's right, Stephanie and I am here on the interstate right outside the zoo where several ostrich, is that right? Ostriches? Ostriches? Several ostriches have brought traffic to a screeching halt with some eggs being laid on the hoods of cars So what I'm hearing is there are multiple animals loose from the zoo today

This must be a PR crisis for them. They must be freaking out. Um, I'll actually I have the head of the zoo here Hello, do you have time for an interview, sir? Oh God, that's a severed head cut away cut away cut away Oh god, that's a severed head. Oh, cut away, cut away. Cut away. Cut away. Thanks Stephanie. Oh my god.

The lion is batting around the head. Oh my god. It looks like one of the owners, I think that that's Joe, one of the owners of the zoo. It looks like a lion has ripped his head off. Oh my god. Oh boy. Oh my god.

Back to the studio. Created by Apple Refine. Starting Aaron Cheever. And John Patrick Cohen. Casey Toney does the editing. Hey there! for Hey Riddle Riddle. crew for $5 a month, or start your 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!