Hey Riddle Riddle - #336: Best of 2024 Part 2

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Merry and bright! Here are some more of our favorite mainfeed and Patreon moments of 2024. If you’d like to hear more check it out here! Come see us at SF Sketchfest!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere Stockings hung up by the chimney with care It could only mean one thing McRib is here Had participated in McDonald's for a limited time The doctor was the mother He stood on a block of ice Oh, the Femur Goldfish It was the cabin of an airplane He stabbed him with an ice cream ["The Black Take the door, hit me, come with me.

You there, boy, what day is today? I'm showering. Which boy? Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my God. Hey, at all, Janet, JBC? Which boy? Guys, can you just, I just talked to me really quick, I just accidentally, it's fine. Guys, Merry Christmas.

You just barged into that hotel room, Erin, what's wrong with you? Merry Christmas, guys. Just talk to me really quick. I just accidentally it's fine. Um guys Hotel room To each and every all good men and women Christmas goose Thanks Janet Very goose to you Adel you silly Everybody this is part two of our end of year best of episodes. What did everyone think of part one? Don't tell me, it'll hurt my feelings.

I spent so many hours on it. You guys, this is weird. We're standing outside waiting to carol at someone's house. Why are we also recording an intro to best of two? Oh yeah, let me. It's called habit stacking. Hey, let me knock on the door here. That's so 2024. Hello? Who, what's on this? Who, who are, um. It's called habit stacking. Okay, let me knock on the door here. That's so 2024.

Hello? What's all this? Who are, what's this? Hmm. Who are you? I saw three shims come bailing in on Christmas day, on Christmas day. We should rehearse.

I thought our parents come get us. We should have talked about this. On Christmas day in the morning. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it guys. This is another week of all pig orgasm sounds, but you knew it show You're listening to I'm not gonna apologize for anything. I never do now. Why would you um everybody? What was your favorite moment from? No, you're parts of this now sir What was everyone's favorite moment of Hey Riddler Riddle, either main feed or Patreon in 2024,

because we got some Patreon content on this episode as well. I'd love to hear first from the naked guy with the open robe. Well, this is going to sound crazy. I was visited by three ghosts last night. We don't have time for this. We're trying to talk about our show. OK, very good. Honestly, though, that does sound like every Hey Riddler Riddles scene started like the start.

Right? This guy knows, this guy gets it. By the way, dynamite dog. Oh, my dog? I entered it in the Westminster dong show. Is that something? Can we use, am I a host now? This is not on par with the rest of the content

in this episode. You guys, it gets better from here. Actually, does it? No, this is laterally from here. Honey, come here, I'm crushing on a podcast. Honey. No? Oh, I forgot my wife died.

Well, I'm gonna shut the door. Oh, boy. You mean well. Guys, this year had all the most iconic parts. Deck the halls with hay riddle riddle, fa la la la la la la. No? The door's closed.

You don't have to do it when the door opens and closes, just when it opens. We had JPC playing a video montage, I had a meltdown about a sugar riddle, there were monkeys on a jury, JPC was horny as a duck, there was, Addle was a bean on a spaceship. You can't be right. The tune of 15. This sounds completely made up.

And this is all real stuff. Uncle Mumble's haunted mansion. Penguin baseball and other things. And next year we promise to do better and I know we keep saying that and I know it's a lie. But next year will be better than 2024 but this is what this is. Better. 50% more pig orgasms.

Yay! Oh no. Sorry, sorry. I know that no one likes to hear that but we do. So. Ah. Well, I know that no one likes to hear that, but we do, so. Well, you know, so many memories, such a great, fun year, and I'm glad I got to spend it with my three favorite co-hosts and Casey as well.

It was truly a pleasure. Aw, thanks. Sleep, oh night. And Casey, what do you, Anything you wanna say, Casey? Sorry, I was just listening to better podcasts and my other headphones. Wow. Did you guys need me for anything? And I get that, bud.

Wow. No, go back to listening to gutter, Casey, whatever. You work on both shows, you could make ours good too. That's always an option for you. Well, we're gonna go have a Christmas feast with wild style, the horny penguin, but we hope you have a blessed day and a blessed new year.

And Teeny Janet, did you wanna send us off with a hopeful message? Teeny Janet? It's sort of like- Oh, like something about San Francisco Sketch Fest? Oh, yeah, it's sort of like a Tiny Tim character, but I figured I'd call you Teeny Janet, just so Dickens' estate doesn't sue.

Got it. If you rip open this Christmas goose, you'll find Hey Riddle Riddle and SF SketchFest covered in goose innards at the Gateway Theater at 4pm, Saturday, January 18th, for two gold pieces. 18 for two gold pieces. Well, that's actually a lot. I've got it was probably, I don't know. That's an expensive ticket. $36 an ounce. Yeah, this is a-

It's an expensive city. This is a ripped up goose too, so that's- Inflation, am I right? Don't worry about it because the goose is cooked and destroyed, but JPC made his special holiday hot cocoa. Again, did not have any of the ingredients for cocoa, but I used everything that is their same color. So it should taste. Diet Coke and...

Well, we're gonna get out of here, but enjoy the episode and thank you so much for sticking by us. We appreciate it so much. Happy everything! Happy everything! 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Sorry, you gotta be at least this tall. Oh, we understand. Can I talk to you for a second? Me? Yeah, yeah. Me? No, Addle, look, there's an interesting bird. Oh. So my buddy Addle just got hit with a shrink ray

because he was mouthing off to a scientist again. And it's temporary. The scientist explained this is for 48 hours just till he learns his lesson, but we only had today to come to the amusement park. So could you just do us a solid? He's normally like six to six, once at least six one. Let's call it. He's over six foot because we don't want to get into specifics, but he's normally like he's normally

wait. Could we at least just for today, just ride the podcast? First of all, I get excuses like this all the time and I can't like make an exception every time. And also it's more of like a safety issue. Like if you're so itty bitty like that, you can get really, really hurt in some of the behavioral scenes, and some of the riddles could crush you.

So it's more of like a safety concern. Like he could die. Yeah, could we sign a waiver? Cause he doesn't, I think, care if he lives or dies. That's kind of the way he operates and lives his life. Is there like a waiver we could sign or? If I'm being totally honest with you, yes, there's a waiver you can sign.

But if he dies and he gets squooshed by a riddle or by a really funny joke or pun, then I have to clean up that mess. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It wasn't a bird. It was a squirrel trapped in a plastic bag.

Sort of the same thing, though, huh? Yeah. I could recommend some other podcasts you could ride today. Hold on, you didn't take that squirrel out of the bag, did you? Yeah. Why? Because that was probably a science experiment.

You probably just pissed off another scientist. If you get zapped with another shrink ray, it could be too small for me to even find. That Dr. Chameleon really hates me. Yeah, there's some other podcasts you could ride. Oh, OK. Aaron, could's some other podcasts you can ride. Oh, okay. Erin, could I ride an emotional roller coaster?

Am I tall enough to go on an emotional roller coaster? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'm not in charge of that ride. You'll have to talk to the person in front of that. And just who is it? And who would be the person? Is it like Angela Bassett? It's Angela Bassett.

Exactly, thank you for doing the work. I really would love to talk to Angela Bassett. It's Angela Bassett. Exactly. Thank you. It's so cool. I would love to talk to Angela Bassett. Uh, yeah, sorry. It's just you can't I mean, like other podcasts like you don't even have to sign a waiver like with downtown, you could just go on if you're totally sure. I don't know that that's still a podcast. I think it's been like five years since it's been about podcast. But it is the funniest podcast reference to me. And I stand for sure. And we'll learn one reference from 2018, and we'll never learn another one. Mm-hmm.

Um, actually, I don't know if you two mind, but instead of recording Hey Riddleriddle today, the, I want to say the Bad News Gang? Is that what they're called? Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Look who it is. They invited me on their podcast, so, um, let's...

What do you think, boys? Let's lay it down. Yeah, why not? See you later, suckers! The Bad News Gang... Ow! Ooh, I hit my shin! Oh, no! Oh, no! The Bad News Gang can't record! No, you guys can take him. You guys can all go. No, no, no! Now we don't want him. Something's wrong with him. You started talking like them so quickly. No, that's not me.

That's... Oh! Oh, similar voice, huh? Yeah, it's the same voice. Yeah, very... Well, let's not dig too deep into this. You guys get the fuck out of here. Alright, but we'll be back if you say our names.

I truly hope not. Anytime you say, Bad News Gang, Well, well, well. No, no. Get out of here. Ow. Ow.

So I guess just one then? One for the podcast? Great. Great. Mm-hmm. If flying cost $100 and it was mostly fine, people wouldn't be upset. But it's so expensive, and they treat you

like you're a fucking asshole every time you go on a plane. And it's not their fault, it's not like the malicious pilot is like, I'm gonna fuck with someone's day. It's the airline. The airline treats you like you are scum of the earth and you like, they will exist whether or not you fly or not. And they were like, I'll piss you off. What are you gonna do?

Not fly? How the fuck are you gonna get to Atlanta, dumbass? Like you have to use our service. It's like a gas company company like they're like a utility. That's like oh good like I oh you can't take a shower today Go suck a fucking duck who gives a shit. I don't care. I'll never turn your gas on it was funny There's several passengers who once we were told to get off the plane and like standing there waiting for several hours There were many people who were like alright fuck this I'm gone or like never I refuse even if they board the plane and like standing there waiting for several hours there were many people who were like all right fuck this I'm gone or Like never I refuse even if they board the plane. I'm not getting on this fucking plane half an hour later

You have to you have to what else are you gonna do? Get a new duck or do I have to suck the duck that that guy just sucked, like suck the duck? Speak first, feathers and all. Feathers and all. You pick the side. You can suck the front or suck the back. There's no good options.

Just kidding, you don't get to pick the side. It's the back, always. It's the back. It's the moist back of the duck that you have to suck. I'd like to see a scene. OK. JPC, you are a priest, and you are in the middle of addressing the church and an earthquake hits.

Now, what does that story mean for us today? The Bible is full of these allegories that we can replace into our own lives. So take my life for instance. You know, priests, we are famously celibate. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I think that that was an earthquake. What? What it could have been, because what I was talking about was God saying, maybe priests don't have to be celibate. That was what he was saying.

I'm sorry, I misspoke. I think we just live in California. Yeah, it's just a- Silence, witch! Witch! That's a witch. We all saw me call that witch. Now hold her down. Ow, ow!

Why are you twisting her arm? Get her out of here. And they shall speak with their forked tongues. Unless, was she single? She was married? Okay, get her out of here. Okay, so, new thing happening at church today. Father Michael is going to come down into the congregation. Everyone have their hands up. Wedding ring check. Do a gonna come down into the congregation. Everyone have their hands up. Wedding ring check. Do it a wedding ring check for the congregation. Father Michael, maybe you're just horny and you're kind of looking for a sign. You kind

of did this last week when a bird flew in here. That bird was a dove, by the way. A mourning dove. Yeah, and you said a dove is a God's reminder of peace and therefore you think priests should get a piece of ass? No men talk for the rest of church, okay? The new God rule. 11th commandment just dropped. I'm just a young woman. Men shall not speak.

With a bowl cut. Men shall not speak. Men shall not speak. All right, so, single women, like let's just say 25 to 45. Maybe you just don't want to be a priest. I'm sorry? I don't want to be a priest.

God called me to be a priest. Yeah, what? And then he just called me with that earthquake and he said, by the way, new rules just dropped for being a priest and you can get a little nasty. What was the original call? I'm starting to think it was just a thing that happened. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you know, it's a bunch of frankly, monks, who made me take a vow of silence so I couldn't talk about how I absolutely wanted to get out there. Okay, so we still have some hands up. You're giving all of us high fives as you walk by us.

Yeah, what am I doing? What am I doing? Okay, so, and then, okay, so, okay, you there, you still have your hands up. Me? Yeah, you. Okay, no, you're too dumb. You, me, I'm pointing at you. You're not adequate for me. Who wants to see the rectory, okay? Who wants Father Michael to inch or at least

where everybody gets out? Everyone's hands shoot down. Okay, okay. Clearly that's euphemism. The rectory is, you know I have my own apartment here, right? I don't have to pay to live here. Yeah, but we kind of pay for it. Okay, you're mouthy. You're on my list. You're on my naughty list. You're not exactly a strike though because of, you know, 10 out of 10 total smoke show, but...

You know, actually this could work. Okay, yeah, okay. Who wants to go see my basic cable package, huh? Hands shoot down even more. What are you, how can your hands shoot down even more? Stop putting them up, you can just put them back down. Is anyone interested in this entire congregation? Everyone starts to leave. With no, hold on, church isn't over.

Ah, you go to hell if you leave. Whoa, the doors flew shut. If you leave before 11, you go to hell. That's facts. Scene. This man sells gas. Petrol, Petrols. Shells.

Ooh, I like that, Shells, Shells. Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline. Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline. No, it's not Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline. I do want to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Aaron, you are pulling in, your car is almost on empty. You haven't

seen another service station around and you've just pulled into Adel's gas station, which is Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline. Hey, can I get $50 on pump three, please? Greetings Ahuza, a welcome ado. Your car is in trouble gasoline one gallon two Sorry, I Think I just blacked out for a second. Um, I thought you were rhyming. Um, yeah, I can cushions No fushin no fussing concussion the bonk on the head can end up you dead You dig a big grave. It can get real grave. Hmm Are you out of gas or you have it you're good

and I just need $50 on pump three I'm good Samaritan and Sarah tin was made of tin at Littleton girl Augusta of when took her around the world when she was so thin she ate not a berry she flew towards the sky and hit the moon dead in the eye. Lumiere Lumiere, a filmmaker too, a candlestick brother. Can you think of glue? Elmers and Felmers and Fuds and Duds. Sit in the theater, Milk milk duds Paul Rudds and man quantum leap They're all in the screen you and me, baby. Let's pump gasoline This is Adil Salman M impression That was such a ride that was such a wild ride of people who are listening to this being like does he know who shall service to this and they'd be like he knows he

obviously does know and then he goes a little deeper like does he know three men each had a cup of coffee each man put an odd number of lumps of sugar in his coffee 12 in total three men 12. How many lumps of sugar did each man take? Okay, this I really want to get. I think I can get it so nobody say the answer out loud. I mean, Erin, that just can't be how the podcast works. That has to be how the podcast works. A few moments later. This is hard. Why can't I get this? I think the answer to this is going to make you bad when you hear it. Well, if the answer is going to make us mad,

I'm going to stop trying to guess it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's the smartest- Yeah, never mind, never mind. That's smart, yeah. To stop trying is, I think, the right move on this one. I'm done trying. All right, I can give it to you. You want to hear it?

Yeah. Yeah. The first man took one, the second man also took one, and the third man took ten. That's an even number. I don't know, Erin. ten lumps of sugar in your coffee Aaron no Aaron no No, I told you no I tried I want to see a scene no

No, hold on Aaron. I want to see a scene. No. Erin. No, hold on. Erin? I wanna see a scene. JPC, I want you to give the answer again, and Erin, I want you to be really happy with it. And start. Adel, you wouldn't do this to a woman like me, right? Somebody who's loved you for as long as I've loved you?

The concept of a scene just getting stretched to its infinite ends. Okay, here we go. The first man took one, the second man took one, and the third man took 10 lumps. Wait, that's an even number. I don't know, Aaron. 10 lumps of sugar and coffee sounds pretty odd to me.

Aw, I love it. I love it. I love this. Yes, because that is too much sugar for a cup of coffee. That's odd. Aaron, I'm so close to calling C and I just need a little more positivity. Aaron, do you love it? Hip hip. Hooray. Aaron, what's your favorite part about the riddle? I guess my favorite part is that it doesn't make any sense and it's sort of a joke and I was sitting here fucking writing numbers down,

doing the math on a sheet of paper. He's starting to say it. Aaron, it sounds like maybe from what you're describing, it sounds like you might be a little bit bad. You do love it. I love that I spent all this ink on this. Yeah, we're gonna continue the scene and Aaron, if you don't mind, I'm gonna have That, you do love it. I love that I spent all this ink on this. Yeah, we're gonna continue the scene and Erin, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna have you marry this Riddle. Do you, Riddle, the answer is- Quick, tee out. You want, you just make, I'm just making sure you guys wanna do this to me? I think so. Okay, great. I'm back in.

I'm wanting it more and more, time back in. Yeah. Curtain up. Time back out, just quick check. Does Erin have to be happy about anything that happens while we're in the scene? Wow, that's a good, I almost, this is like genie rules, Casey. Thank you for catching that.

Yeah, Erin, if you love this riddle so much, why don't you marry it? And you are marrying it and you're thrilled about it. Great, and I'm thrilled about it. Thank you, Casey. Casey, why don't you stay on and you're gonna be, when we ask if there's anybody who objects, you're gonna say yes, but you're just gonna be like,

I object because I just want Aaron to love it even more. Okay, okay, okay. Thank you, Casey. Classic objection at a wedding, I want you to love it even more. Be so mad at that guy at my wedding. Riddle, do you, and JPG, you're the Riddle. Riddle, one, one, and 10,

do you take Aaron to be your lawfully Loved wife I do I do I do times ten That is he all he worked it into the vows and there's not a dry ice dry There's not a dry ice in the house. Yes magician because it's it's six to your skin It's if you swallow it could I know could kill you don't touch it too cold Erin do you take this riddle to have into hold to love forever and to be happy about I do Eyes are a little bit, but I big smile. I love it. Do you do you typically ask for objections? After the ideas or is it before and I now pronounce you

wife and woman and riddle unless And you two go ahead and kiss and while you're kissing is there anyone who objects actually I? Object oh my gosh. Thank you Casey my dear friend here to save me I don't think she loves this riddle enough in fact the only way to truly prove She does is to rap about it. And you have to be happy about it. And she's also happy. She's happy about it too. Anyone else feel kind of sick having the roles be switched up? I feel sick.

Yeah, I boffed off Mike. Yeah. I boffed off Mike. I boffed off Mike. Is that Kennedy? I boffed off my I boffed off my is that Kennedy I boffed off my I boffed off my I boffed off my Can I say can I say I've been listening to a lot of hey riddle riddle recently I've been doing a little project that has involved me needing to listen to past episodes. Occasionally, I listen to a whole episode and there'd be nothing that I needed in it

and nothing usable. I'm like, okay, it was a funny episode, but nothing usable. Going back to when I was doing hours and hours and hours of this, if I had a gym like I boffed off Mike, I'd be overjoyed. I'd be overjoyed to have that. I mean, just retroactively shoehorn it in. I boffed off Mike. I'd be overjoyed to have that. I can't, I mean just retroactively shoehorn it in. I boffed off my... Trust me.

I boffed off my... As soon as we're done here I'll get it now, but I can't use it for what I was using it for. Adel, that's really good. I do believe he said I had boffed off my... Do you need to hear it again? Would you like to hear it again? Yeah, okay, I got it. I'm not gonna get it.

I boffed off my... I boffed off my... Oh, hear the riddle again. No, I don't. Ha ha ha. This is a conversation that I've had with people, is what is your like survivor daydream or fantasy? Like if you were on the show,

what would be the moment that you would most like to have? I've actually thought about this, Erin, this exact scenario as well, and here's my answer. I don't know if they do this on every Survivor. So you're gonna have to, you guys have watched the show and I have not. Do they very often have like, if you make it far enough, they invite like one of your, a member of your family to like come to the- Yeah, pre-COVID they did that. Yeah.

Okay. So here's what I would really love to do with that. I would love to, while I'm at Survivor, I want to make it to that point, to have like my family member there, but I want to change no details about my wife as I like talk about her, except I want to call her Rachel. I just want to refer to her as Rachel. Everything else would be exactly the same. I'm not like making up a person.

I just say that her name is Rachel. And then when Mark is announcing who all of the people are on the beach, you know, I'm standing next to these other people, they're like, and the JPC's wife, Mariah is here. And she comes out and I'm like, oh my God, I miss you so much. And everyone else is thinking like,

what the fuck, is her name Rachel or Mariah? Why is he calling her Mariah now? And then later, after she goes home, if someone asked me about it, I'd be like, yeah, my wife's name is Rachel. Like, what are you talking about? Okay, so you're trying to torture everyone yes just what I want to people like I know he's played a game but he's

not playing the game survivor like what how is this fucking with me it shouldn't be for my opposite of that I want them to send me a stranger I'm like I don't know this man is a stranger I want them to be like, here's Adle's wife, Gemma, and somebody in a wheelbarrow takes out a mannequin with a wig and makeup on, and everyone's like, what is going on? And I just absolutely make out with it. You burst into tears.

Oh my god, Gemma. Oh, I missed you. It's like, here's JPC's brother, Chuck. And this guy comes out, he's just wearing an Arby's uniform, and I'm like, oh, Chuck, it's so good to see you. And I'm hugging him, I'm like, do you have the beef and cheddar? And then I'm eating an Arby's sandwich

from within his shirt. He's like, I'm not sure why I'm here, but I got paid $15,000. KBC, you fool, you could have made it on the show, and now they'll hear this episode, and they'll never let you on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it'd be funny, I don't know how you swing it,

but if you could swing it, it'd be very funny for them to be like, Adel, you made it this far. Here's your cousin, Jude Law? And Jude Law comes out, and people are like, what the fuck? Whoa! You never, your cousin's Jude Law? He's British, and it's, um.

Oh yeah, I just pick a celebrity I wanna meet, and that's what I put on my paperwork. Would it be funnier? Welcome, Chris Evans, and I'm like, eee! Yeah, I just pick a celebrity I want to meet What'd it be funny to say it's Jude Law, but you get like you hire like a Jude Law impersonator People like wait a minute, but you like act like it's Jude Law people like I just don't think it't think it's him. He's like 5'4". That's DJ Qualtz. I have like a John F. Kennedy impersonator. Did you like sneakily say that like Kevin was married to Susie or something? Interesting.

No, I didn't. I didn't do anything sneaky. I, this whole podcast, I run above board. I run a tight ship. OSHA can come in here and do a safety test at any time and everything's fine here. That's not true. You and I both know that is not true.

This is not a watertight podcast. We can pee out the poison, we're fine. I wanna see a scene. Aaron, you're sort of like a David Attenborough narrator for In This Is Like a Planet Earth and JPC is gonna be a lion and I'm gonna be whatever the lion is hunting. The lion is finally awake and cannot ignore its hunger any longer. The fuck finally awake? Sleeping past noon on a

Tuesday. I'm a lion. I don't have work....Clear. Past noon. Fucking past noon. At risk for starvation because of how lazy it is. At risk for starvation? Hey, guess what? You burn less calories when you sleep. What the fuck is this? At risk for starvation.

Lying on a rock in the sun. But wait, something has caught its attention. Eee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Gazelle gazelle gazelle gazelle. attention. Eee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee I bet the lion decides to lay back down on the rock and get an afternoon nap in instead of hunting the man. Fuck you! Like I'm gonna- like you're gonna reverse psychology? That's obviously your cameraman. Like, you're gonna reverse psychology me to not eat that cameraman.

That man is too fast for him to catch. He ran track in high school. He stopped after sophomore year, but still. Yeah, high school. I mean, this was probably 30 years ago for that guy. I mean, I don't want to eat him. Ugh, the man gets further away while the lion sees his only hope for lunch. No, because I'm fucking arguing with you. That, hey, hold on, I'm getting up. Oh, big stretch. Ooh, big stretch. Ooh, back stretch. Stretch the back, stretch the back legs. Oh, my God.

The gazelles are gone. I guess I'll just lay face down on the savanna. Ooh, big stretch. God, stretching makes me sleepy. The prey has made him self-available to put to the lion, but the lion looked over, shrugged, and is going back to bed. No, I didn't shrug. He seems to be re-watching TV shows on his laptop in a dark, dark way. No, no, I've never seen The Office. Just because it was on like ten years ago doesn't mean I saw it,

because I was busy at that time. Cereal bowls and cups are stacking up on his bedside table. A lot of this is my Pride Mates stuff. It's not necessarily my stuff. No judgment, just observation. This is judgment. It's laden with judgment. I mean, obviously.

Scene. I've been there. I've been there. I'm that lion. We're all that lion. We all been that lion. We all been that lion. Not me, of course, but most people.

I'd like to see a scene. JBC, you're the man in the yellow hat from Curious George and Adol, you're Curious George. And George is asking you a lot of questions. Hey, Dad. Oh, not your dad. I'm not your dad. Yeah, dad, you're my dad. No, I'm the man in the yellow hat. You dress me, pay for my food, you tuck me in at night. You're my dad Yeah, I mean yeah, I I don't I don't love that you call me that but yeah

I mean yeah, I'm a dad for sake of this conversation sure how is how are monkeys born? I don't I mean I assume similar similar to what? Similar to what similar to people how are people born? Hey dad are people born? I? Don't know I mean I don't know Badger only c-section That generally c-section. Oh, I'll Google that later. Yeah, Hey dad. Hey dad. It's really bothering. Hey dad dad Yeah, are we rich? We want for nothing, but I don't think that we have like a crazy amount of disposable income

I don't really work you understand. Yeah, you mostly I mean you mostly just kind of shop Hey dad, I don't mostly shop. I mean, I do some shopping, but like some shopping is a necessity. Like we need groceries. Hey, Dad. Yep. Were you mad when I ripped that kid's arms off

at the birthday party? No, he deserved it. Okay. He scared me. He startled me. He did startle you. He shouldn't have done that. Yeah.

And that's exactly, that's why, that's why I'm, you know, when you call me Dad, it kind of, I just hear that kid screaming, Dad, Dad know, when you call me dad, it kind of... I just hear that kid screaming, dad, dad, dad, and it kind of... yeah, and it's bad vibes for me. Yeah, I see it when I close my eyes. That's good, that means you have... do you feel remorse? No, I just see it. That's good, because he startled you.

Hey dad, why the hat? Well, I'm sorry? Why the hat? Because I look like a pimp playboy. I Look like a stone cold pimp, but it's still cool to say pimp. What year is it? You look like Pharrell when he had that hat on okay, so Pharrell with the hat on so it's 2013 okay, okay, you don't know you're a monkey. You're not a boy Oh come on grow up you gotta live in this world like the rest of us

He said you killed the boy or named him we left we don't know Yeah, I'm so sorry to make this about me, but I have to please leave me something funny in your will but I have to. Please leave me something funny in your will. I'm begging you. It can be, have no monetary value. I want it to make me laugh out loud though. I have one of the funniest things that I could leave for any person in my will and it is being left to you and that is medical debt. All my medical debt goes directly to you, Erin. I can't explain how, but I got a good lawyer. I got a good lawyer. I mean, that made me laugh. OK.

What about? Works for me. A tired flower. Ooh, a lazy daisy. Yes. Wow. Lazy daisy. That's who I like to play in Mario Kart.

Yeah. She just won't move. That la-caillou keeps picking you up and then dropping you back on the track, even though you're on the track. You're like, I get it. I'm just taking my time. She's just scrolling on our phones. That's why Donald got a divorce, honestly.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, it's not. That's not the only reason. It's never just one reason when people get a divorce. It's compounding reasons. But yeah, Donald and Daisy did get a divorce, and that's... Donald doesn't enunciate and...

I guess they told us not to say it. Are you one of the lawyers for One of the parties we do represent Daisy Duck. Yes, but we are some of the lawyer. It's like a dream team, you know It's like a popper in yeah. Sorry cock rig. It's cock rig Johnny cock right? Mm-hmm. Who is a porn Producer you thought I was gonna say actor he produces he was a former actor Of course, he moved into production when he aged. Is the divorce contentious?

Um... No. Well, Donald showed up to court with no pants on, so I think he was trying to make a statement. I think so. His team quickly, you know, they fixed, it's not contentious, but I think when you just have this much money, you just have like there's just so much to tie up Right. So that's why you have a team. That's why you bring on a Johnny Cochran We think Donald said the c-word but we can't tell There's just like a string. It's like a five-minute string of like yeah

And we had this denographer try to like read it back But it was obvious like we were putting a ton of pressure on her and it's like she did I mean, she's like she's pointing at the stenograph machine and she's like I you know I'm trying my best here but it's like I it's like speaking another language essentially and it is you know it is to a certain degree it's it's duck it's like you know English is not his first language so he's trying to speak in it and it's it's just hard for everybody so it's unclear if he said the c word but we're pretty sure he did say it whatever he said there was malice behind it, which I think is that okay Aaron I saw you take out your phone and hit it said contacts Donald Duck with heart eyes. Um

Did it am I hey heard you're recently single Wanna grab a drink. Yeah, we told you that I can suck a duck what I do what I do it was good it was a good thing you guys must see I'm looking a little smug today. I absolutely aced my Helix sleep quiz. Oh, Erin, you were up all night studying for that, right? Yeah, and turns out I didn't need to. It was super easy and only took two minutes, and it paired me with a midnight lux, the best mattress I've ever slept on on my whole life.

And I was joking about you being up all night. JPC and I checked on you, and you were sound asleep. On my Helix mattress? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, you can about you being up all night. JPC and I checked on you and you were sound asleep. On my Helix mattress? Mm-hmm. Yeah. You can study in your dreams, though. You know, I just had this thought the other day, which is, I, this is going to be a little scary,

but I don't mind scaring our listeners because I think that they can handle it. I've had my Helix mattress for four years. I was like, eventually, I will get to buy another Helix mattress. I'm like, I'm going, I will get to buy another Helix mattress. I'm like, I'm going, I'm going to have multiple Helix mattresses in my lifetime. And I was like, looking forward to a new mattress. I have to wait a little while because four years is not enough time to change out your mattress.

Yeah. But it's going to happen. It's going to come for me eventually. I have a smart ring that I wear while I sleep and my sleep is going so well. I know you can't tell by my face because I have a very sleepy looking face but I'm a well rested lady. Erin, how many hours a night you getting? Forty! And Gemma and I have the best night's sleep of our lives on our midnight lux and all of our cats, including our new fourth cat Martini, sleep on the bed together.

And the amazing thing is, but also the dangerous thing is, we have room on this huge bed for, I don't know, 10 more cats. And we got to fill that space. You got to fill that space. I was saying to someone this weekend how I will never go back from a king size. Once you have a king size. I once you have a mattress, it's it's game over. That's the lot that's you you can never go smaller and I don't need to go bigger But I'm thinking you know, hey, man, what what of these days?

What if I get taller or Kings for four kings or kings? So if you want to buy four king size mattresses use our promo code, we'd absolutely love that Right now you can get 20% off plus two free pillows for all mattress order. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. Uh, Erin, would you get on your sleep quiz? 40 hours. No, sorry. Midnight Lux.

I'm going to have to look at this quiz, Erin, because I, I just don't, I just don't know you're doing it right. I don't know. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, Adel, Erin, there you are. Okay, this is... What? I was gonna say this is perfect, but if you're here,

then I can't test my new Where in the World is Adel and Erin website. Oh, the one you made with Squarespace. Yeah. is Adel and Erin website. Oh, the one you made with Squarespace. Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. The all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Yeah, so I mean, the premise of where in the world

this Erin and Adel is pretty simple. We have users submit things that they think smell like Erin or look like Adel, and then we use that to kind of triangulate your location. And it's kind of like a fun game for people to play but if you're here the game kind of can't can't play it. Well I'm trying to be supportive and Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website it's like online courses blogs videos and memberships earn recurring revenue by gating your content behind a

paywall simply set the price and choose whether to charge a one-time fee or a subscription for access so you can like charge people to see... Yeah, if you become a member, I send you like a big magnifying glass that you can use to like look for clues to like find your exact location. Weird. Cool though. I'm into it, I think. Yeah, almost as cool as Squarespace's design intelligence. Combining two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology to unlock

your strongest creative potential JPC, design intelligence empowers anyone, including you, to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence. Yeah, and I kind of use that to kind of like craft like composites of what YouTube may look like based on all the smells and things that people are submitting. So that's yeah, what do you think,

by the way, of your avatars? Yeah, I'm it's my body with a wheel of cheese as a head. I love it. Yeah, and with Squarespace email campaigns, all of the tools you need to engage your subscribers, drive sales, and simplify your audience management. Set up automated emails to build connections while saving time and easily integrate your products into email templates to drive sales and increase site traffic. So if someone submits one of your smells, I can email blast that smell out to everybody and then they can be on the smell out, look out but for smells, for one of your smells.

I'm into this. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash frittle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Okay, hey, look, I just got another email. I got another email. Hold on, it's the same guy. Let me write back real quick. That is not what they smell like.

Stop submitting it. Adol, did you email him? Yeah, sorry. We get a lot out of this guy. I would like to see a scene. Addle, you are a drone. Super shiny, new, good at your job. JPC, you're a bird.

And you're kind of like annoyed at his whole vibe and deal. Scanning. Scanning. Hey! Hey! Yeah. Why don't you get fucking lost? Detecting anger. Hi friend. I don't mean to cause you any harm.

Hey! Why don't you get fucking lost? You chrome dome looking piece of shit, this is our beach. Detecting escalated anger. Hi friend, I tried to be polite. Keep it up and I won't be so nice. Nice? What are you doing here, man? This is, you're in my house basically.

My family's right over there in the sand. Reverting to small talk. Crazy weather we're having, right? No. Weather's normal. How would you know? Detecting answer to rhetorical question. Scanning, scanning, scanning, panicking, panicking. How's your love life?

Dude. Unfu- That's your second piece of small talk is how's your love life? How's yours? Oh, that's right. You probably don't even have a cloaca No, I have a penis and I have a satisfied wife. Well, congratulations I got a cloaca and it could do everything a penis could do and more Courtney get over here Hello. This is Courtney my wife. I am a bird My man, that's a hermit crab. My man, that is a hermit crab with a Coca-Cola can.

That was the worst improv of all time. You're telling me my wife is a hermit crab who thinks she's a bird talking like a drone? Get fucked buddy, get fucked buddy. My man, you are getting played. That is a hermit crab in a Coca-Cola can. Doesn't even look like you. My crab and a Coca-Cola can. Doesn't even look like you. My shell is a Coca-Cola...can. Coca-Zero can.

Scanning, scanning. Only see beautiful drone wife. I am a bird. I am a bird. I am a bird. It's an inside joke. Scanning for inside joke. Scanning for inside joke. None found. What's your angle here? Hermit crab, what's your angle here? What are you doing what's your angle here what are you doing hey man get the fuck out of here I got a good thing going man you get the fuck out of here fuck you hermit crab fuck you you fucking bird I'll fucking eat you for life sorry why don't you take your ugly

ass wife get off my fucking beach I am a bird I am a bird. I am a bird. My wife is not ugly. She is shiny and new. A shiny new bird. You got a busted ass hermit grabbing a Coke can for a wife, and you're a dumb ass piece of metal. Why don't you get the fuck out of New Jersey? It's time to no longer be polite. Maneuvering for attack.

Pulling out phone. Recording, recording, recording. He is fighting for my honor. The fuck? Rec recording phone in inches in front of your face what are you going to do what are you going to do I'm allowed to record I'm allowed to record what are you going to do I'm allowed to record you know my father you know my boss you know my priest I'm about to I'm about to lay you out I'm the littlest bird on this beach I'm about to lay you out. I'm the littlest bird on this beach. I'm about to lay you out. Searching. Ask Keef.

It turns out, father, priest, boss, all one person, your father is your breeze and your boss, malfunction shutting down. Yeah, yeah, you ran out of batteries. You was fighting so long, you ran out of batteries. Please don't fuck my wife. Why don't you ditch the drone and get with Bird? Hey hermit crab, why don't you ditch the drone

and get with Bird? It is not even nine a.m. for me, sir. Casey said 11 out of 10 scene. Casey. One of our best. Your standards should be higher, frankly. I think you're the reason we're slipping in quality. What?

Erin, slipping in quality? You mean to tell me a scene where someone says, this is my drone wife, and then she says I'm a bird, and then a third person says she's a hermit crab? Is a bad scene. I'm crying! Immediately tears just popped in my eyes. This is the kind of stuff they don't teach. And then you shouldn't teach them bad.

This is bad! It's kind of bad to teach. ["Beans Imagine Station Theme Song"] Okay, it's my turn here. Looks like my options are Beans Imagine Station, Lavender Lounge, and Beyond Vaudeville. Wow. I'm gonna go with Beans Imagine Station.

["Beans Imagine Station. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode. I am little Bean and I am the world's smallest astronaut. I have been sent into space in a little space shuttle that's also a space station. And up here, alone, all by myself, is where my imagine goes wild. Runs wild, my imagine. Of course, if you're just tuning in, you may not recognize some of the characters here that come from my imagine. Please introduce yourself, character number one. Hi, um, my name's Maureen. I am a real astronaut.

Lil Bean here. Wow, pretty crazy. A lot of the equipment that we have and safety precautions are for full size humans. And when we came into space, Lil Bean rattled so much that now he thinks he has imagined us. She almost sounds real.

Can you believe it? She says she has a son in college. Unbelievable. All of little Bean's insides just sort of scrambled up and are at different spots. I do have a son that is in college. He is at Vassar. He is studying English.

And I really wanted him to go into STEM or something that uses the left side of your brain. But you know what, I'm proud all the same. Lil Bean, sorry to, I know you're in the middle of introducing everybody. I'm your imaginary friend. That's right, that's imaginary friend number one. And here we go on to imaginary friend number two.

Oh, are we still doing this? Yeah. Oh, OK. Hi, I'm Glenn McCloskey. I am a botanist by trade. But I guess we're all astronauts up here. Almost sounds real. And I am in charge of the flora and the fauna on the ship.

We don't really have a lot, but we are growing in limited quantities in space. And one of the things that we were sent to grow up in space was a little bean. Yeah, we're trying to grow a little bean a wife. Why are you whispering? There's one rule on the podcast. Podcast? Yeah, this is a public service podcast. Okay. Well, anyway, if anyone has questions about botany, or, I guess no one can really hear this,

because I am an engineer. I'm one of Little Bean's imaginary friends. That's right. And I've set a course for the sun. In 22 days and 16 hours, we will be enveloped by the solar flares that whip out into the dark. Yes, that's certain death, Little Bean. It's a space station. It's not a functioning ship.

We came on a rocket, we will come back down on a rocket. Say it into the banana. I mean microphone. How is he holding that banana? I guess he's really not. It's just laying on the table. What's incredibly sad about this is Lil Bean was a brilliant scientist. Sharpest mind in the world, perhaps. Obviously a freak of nature, he was a little bean. We were like, we gotta get him to space, we gotta get him to space, he'll get up there. We didn't realize that sending a bean into space

would essentially cook the bean. What are you whispering over there? No whispering ever before. No, no one's whispering over here, a little bean, we were just- Okay, because there's one thing I can't stand is secrets. We are just showing a little clip of you, Little Bean, um, at the press conference. Oh, is that a dinner? Is it a memorial?

No, no, just a little clip of you, uh, at the press conference before you went up to space so everyone can hear your normal voice. Okay. Um, so what are we... let's... let's meet some more of the characters on the show. Let's, uh... Oh, you don't want to watch the clip. Oh What's the clip again? The clip is you at the press conference? Before going up into space. I wanted everyone at home to hear your normal voice It might it might it might be too painful. It might be too painful for being to watch the clip. Let him watch Well now I want to see it go ahead and press play Good evening

Good evening, everyone. My name is Little Bean. I am a little bean, graduated from MIT. I guess his voice is not that different. And I just want to say I'm honored to be the first little bean in space. And I want to do all the beans proud, all the human beans. He coughs again here in a second and it changes. And I just want to say hello to my mom and dad. Oh, you remember remembering them.

The change being more dramatic. Louisville, Kentucky, because of course I'm a soul friend. And pause. Lil Bean, do you remember doing that press conference? That was me? Mm-hmm. That didn't sound like me. Completely different voice.

Well, you know, we can only do so much with the limited resources we have up here. Is that a chat? GPT? Did you chat GPT? Did you chat GPT? Did you chat GPT? Answer the question! Oh, Lil Bean, no, we would never chat GPT? Did you chat GPT? Answer the question. Oh, little bean, no, we would never chat GPT.

We don't even know really what that means in this context. Okay. Glenn, any update on growing little bean again or growing little bean away? I've grown many beans. I just haven't been able to. Whatever happened to make little bean sentient and super smart. I haven't quite been able to replicate I know it did happen in space, but I think it may have had something to do with like Gamma radiation and we just haven't had we haven't been hit by as many solar flares

I don't know what you're whispering about over there, but it's time for my weekly segment Man, I wish I had a wife. This is a segment where I like to just go over what I think the perfect wife for me, little bean, would be. The Perfect Wife by Lil Bean. The perfect wife is a bean. A sentient bean, who's smart as it is around. It's planted, absorbs nutrients through its butt and top of the head. Sprouts into alfalfa or some other fruit or vegetable or plant or weed. Something with Little Bean's voice. It's affecting one of the beans in the sample bay number six.

It's growing. It's spreading. Bean keep going. What's happening? Little Bean keep going. Oh, to have a bean wife and have bean children one day, little bean children, and hope that one day they too could go to Vassar and study STEM or whatever this ghost said. Oh, to have a wife, a little bean wedding. Can you imagine? What would they throw?

Rice probably, because rice is in beans, so that stays the same. But everything else is bean-sized. Bean-sized? Did someone say bean-sized? Oh my god! What is happening? Uh, hello? What's your name? Hello, my name is Little Bean and... I guess...

That's my name. Favorite movie on three. One, two, three. Mr. Bean! Wait, no, we can't. No one, no one. Plus, I'm gay! Fuck off.

Fuck you! Well, hold on, fuck off, not because you're gay. Wait, hold on. No, no, he said it. He heard it. Oh, Little Bean's homophobic. What a bummer. What a bummer. That a bummer, that sucks. Yeah, that sucks for him.

Or sucks to be him! Okay, this is the pump-up speech at half time of a championship game. Okay, got it. Fuck! Down by twelve guys, come on, fuck! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Boys, take a big deep breath and then take a knee, okay? Where's our coach? Why should we listen to you, an Abraham Lincoln impersonator?

Aaron, is that fun? Is that a fun gift for you? Aaron, is that fun? Is that a fun gift for you? Aaron is that fun? Let's see. Hold on. Are you googling Abraham Lincoln? He was the president. Yes and, also referred to as yes and thinking, is a rule of thumb in improvisational comedy that suggests that an improviser should accept what another improviser has stated. Wait where was that when I was doing the Glassman-Ashley monologue? And then expand on that line of thinking. The principle does not forbid disagreements between the improvisers characters but states... You should have

stopped reading. Um, the one... Because all you said was hey hey hey hey. The basic premise introduced by the other person as this would throw them off and harm the flow of the scene. Okay okay. No but and harm the flow of the scene. Okay, okay. No butt technique which serves to refine the challenge. Okay, okay. No, I'm your coach, idiot! No, no.

Let me start over. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Go with that! Go with that! Okay, I will. Hey! Hey! No!

This is just my face and my beard and my no, this is just my face my beard Hat sorry sorry I'm sorry red cuz we're down by 12 Yeah, we're there's also some red on your forehead where it looks like there's an exit wound hey It could just be a bee sting. It's just a bee sting. Hey. Hey, I got enough of this at home from my wife Mary Todd crazy wife her name is Mary wife. Oh, your crazy wife? Her name is Mary Todd, yes? It is a crazy coincidence.

Is she crazy or are you just closeted? Come on, man. What are you talking about? Hey, hey, hey. Everyone's trying to distract from you letting each other down in that first half of the game, huh? Yeah. Everyone's trying to point to the way that coach looks and sounds right? Not sounds. Just looks. Just looks. Okay. Were you going for

sounds coach? No I'm not but. Then it's just looks. Okay then fine. I feel like I sound a little bit like when actually how do you know how do you know how he sounded there's no spielberg movie That's what I'm saying. Don't I sound like Daniel Day-Lewis in that movie? Okay Time Seconds here. So we are a nation, you know, there's gravitas to his to his cadence in his voice Okay, they say Abraham Lincoln had a higher pitched voice actually

They said on set for that movie that Daniel Day-Lewis would stay in character and people would use phones and he'd be like, what is this? What is this skullduggery? And people would be like, it's a phone. And he's like, a phone? Some of your college careers as athletes are on the line here. I need everyone to focus up. For Scorn, seven years ago.

Coach. Coach. I was born. Four score and seven years ago. Coach. Coach. I was born. What? I talk in scores. You know this about me. Doors slams open.

Boop, boop, boop. Presenting Sir Riley Lawson Stein. Rile Stein. Rile Stein. Rile Stein. Rile Stein. Rile Stein. RileR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R- I just happened to be wearing... I told you, Melissa, I should not have worn this hard red suit. My name is R.L. Stein and I'm here to call you out, J.P. You've been ripping me off for years. I challenge you to a duel, froze glove.

Picks up glove, eats it. Alright, R.L. Stein, I accept your invitation to a glove dinner. Here's my terms. We do it at a cheesecake factory tonight midnight or The latest that they're open. I think that might be 11 p.m. I don't Know I refuse that and I challenge you To a specific duel of my choosing we have a title off

we have a title off. We each come up with a title for either a new goosebumps or a new swan lumps, and we let the audience decide. All right. One author stays, one author dies tonight. All right, gentlemen, you know the rules. I'll need to borrow a wet fork from a child in the audience. All right, Mr. Riddles, we'll get that ready for you. Gentlemen, you know the rules.

It's a title off. You stand on opposite sides of the stage and you throw titles at each other like you're shooting each other in a sort of cowboy shoot off. Mm-hmm. Yes. All right you count to ten you walk in opposite directions then you turn and you start saying titles at each other. Ready? Okay. One, two, three. I'm trying to walk in all opposite directions. Ow, ow, ow, ow, I feel like my body's being pulled apart. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Colonel Sanders ate my chicken! Point goes to JP Riddles. Fine, JP gets that point it seems like. That's fine. Okay, next one.

A mummy in a river. Swan lumps 137. The no good tale of the ship bird kid who went down into my hole where I keep all my ravioli dice and made a big mess down there. No, I'll cede that point. Yep, I'll cede it. I want to read that. hole where I keep all my ravioli dice and made a big mess down there. No, I'll cede that point. Yep. Yeah.

I'll cede it. I want to read that. If I was a bee, I feel like, you know, if someone swats at me, if someone pokes my home, I'd be pissed. Don't get me wrong. But I feel like I'd really want to save my sting up for like, you know, someone who's just like egregiously being a piece of shit. I think that all bees think that way,

but every time they use their sting, it's complete panic. It's like, you think like, you think your confrontation is going to be this big confrontation. And then suddenly like someone yells at you and you jump and suddenly you've stung them. You know, it's like. 100% On a Friday night, a bee is having drinks with his friends

and he goes, I know who I'm saving my sting for and it's Brett Kavanaugh. When I sting, it'll be Brett Kavanaugh on the tip of his freaking nose. And then on Monday morning, like a little kid is playing soccer and the bee's like, ah, sting. The bee's on a flower and like a dog comes over and it stings it.

You know, it's like... We all think it's gonna be one way and it's not that way. Okay, ooh it looks like there's a big pop from the crowd as former legend Wildstyle the horny penguin dressed like Guy Fieri takes the plate for the first time this season. And the question on everyone's mind here today, Squab, is will Wild Style be able to restrain his horniness enough to play a full nine innings of Penguin Baseball? I don't think so, Chip. I am seeing right now he's really making a meal. Just the way he's holding the bat. Of walking up to the bat. Now he is walking backwards and doing a little tease

that he might not go up to play. Oh, he's going. No, he's not. Oh, he's going. No, he's not. Strike one. Getting a strike one through the radio feed. It seems like during his tease, the game has officially started. Mm-hmm. Up, Wild Style is humping the plate and making dead eye contact

with a young mother in the front row. It is quite a feat. And if you've never been live at a Penguin baseball game match making eye contact with Wild Style, the horny penguin, the penguin dressed as Guy Fieri, as he does some of his more sexual penguin antics, you have not experienced penguin baseball.

And strike two. Oh, and it looks like, oh, it looks like Wild Style is ripping off his jersey, a la Magic Mike. Mmm, okay, so that is a walk. I see it, got it, I flaw it. It looks like Beverly Pondk has hit him with the egg. That is a walk for Wild Style. Wild Style classically a 0.000 batting average, but walks almost every time it goes to the plate

just because of how erratic he is with his gyrations. That's right. And we should say, Chip and Romano, we should say that the Penguin Baseball Egg is just starting off. Of course, we cannot afford Genuine's pony. So what you just heard was Genuine's Pawnee. And again, the ball is the egg.

I know that has caused a lot of controversy with some of the fans at home, but we think it's funny. So we're not gonna change it. And now it's time for the Fl flamingos to take the field. Wow. In the middle of the top of the first inning it's time for the flamingos to take the field. After one out it's time for a little dance break. Wild Style the Horty Penguin has joined the flamingos on the field.

He is actively trying to get all their numbers. Well, wait now. It looks like the umpire is calling for a review of that play. The umpire is going to an immediate review. They're going to study the footage of that play. Something, it looks like, seems amiss. OK, Chip, I'm getting word right now

What happened was the Toledo Snowhens actually got three outs went in their dugout and then went right back up to bat It seems it should be the Golden Gate Gentoo's time to bat not pitch Wait, they have three outs who got out? Well, I think beak Rose got out. Beak Rose got three outs? Well, he swung three times at one pitch. Cock Johnson got out. And I think Wildstyle?

Oh yeah, Wildstyle. Wildstyle got out. Yes, for sure. So definitely... No, Wildstyle got a run. Oh, shit. Yeah, we have Wildstyle got walked. Oh, they're reviewing the footage of reviewing them footage.

They're watching footage of them watching footage. And the flamingos are taking the field once again. Folks I know it can be confusing. Everybody dance now! I know it can be confusing why they have to review footage so often but in penguin baseball if even one if even one player one time is suspected of being a leopard every penguin on that field is at a serious amount of danger one leopard can easily eat 15 penguins and it's not even close yes there's a reason you're absolutely right Chip there's a reason

you haven't heard of a penguin basketball league. Mm-hmm Okay, ladies are there any questions on what you just watched Yes, so while we were watching the video the volume was pretty low and through that wall there We could hear like a lot of screaming and noises and stuff come what is behind what's going on behind that wall those are the guys those are the boys they're warming up they're getting ready they're getting pumped but yeah is there a rule against doing thirds on the soup here has everyone had at least a bowl of soup where if I got thirds it would be okay I will take a poll anybody upset about that anybody I'm cool with it. I'm fine

I would kind of love to get seconds before you got your thirds I just feel like that would be more prudent would that be okay? That's fine. I didn't know she hadn't had seconds I already had seconds. That's why I said I'm fine. I'm so sorry I'm just wondering if the seconds are gonna happen soon because I would like my thirds But if your seconds are gonna for like 20 minutes, that's going to make it hard for me. Maureen, just looking out, what if you have sex tonight? You're going to be filled with soup.

No, it's just a lobster bisque. Just a lobster bisque, Maureen. Think of what you're saying. Can I just say having run the warmups for both the men and women in previous iterations of this, it is wild how different y'all are. I mean, you can hear the men through there. You women are politely discussing soup distribution. I mean, it's just insane to really see it action.

Sorry, I hate to do this, but I can see Maureen serving herself soup. Maureen. Well, I'm just seeing that there's a ladle and a half left. So if I do the half ladle, you still get a full ladle for your seconds. Not everyone will get thirds. And that's not my fault.

The soup was only put out to an amount where only one of us would be able to get thirds. I'm asking if I could be that one. If I can't, that's okay. I just don't get the impression anyone else wants a third. I'm trying to look out for you. You don't want to be going on these dates with your torso filled with soup. Maureen! Why not? You know, I heard there't want to be going on these dates with your torso filled with soup. Maureen. Why not?

You know, I heard there's going to be condoms right on the table. Yes, that's correct. We do, uh, based off some incidents last year, we did want to have those present. And I just want to apologize. I thought 20 gallons of lobster bisque as just the warmup, uh, pre snack. I thought that would be fine. Turns out I'm the asshole here. Sorry I did not make more.

I did not know you all would be flying through that. No one's an asshole. It's just a really big ladle. So it was hard to know what a portion was. And can I just say, I feel like everyone's talking around the fact that I had sex three times last year and the whole condoms on the tables thing makes it seem like I wasn't-

I hadn't thought about it at all. No, everyone had. Everyone had. I hadn't even remembered it until just now. I remember now. Oh, that was heinous. I've seen the Bench ads. I've seen the Bench ads.

It makes it seem, it makes it seem like I wasn't using condoms last year, but I brought condoms. I just don't understand why you would think that if someone was planning on having sex three times at a singles mixer, they wouldn't bring their own condoms. You brought one big fat rubber condom. You can reuse compliments.

I don't think we need to... Maureen! Maureen. I will slap the soup out of your hands Please Junko lobster oh my god There was claw I didn't get any claw 20 gallons of soup and there's one big claw at the very end? Unfair. This is an expensive event. And this is actually a big deal. It's almost like, if anyone's been to New Orleans, almost like the hiding of the baby in the king cake.

So, Maureen, whoever gets the claw, and actually it's pretty easy to fish that out of there with a ladle if anyone was thinking to look. She used to leave. Maureen. It's easy to fish one claw out of 20 gallons of soup with a ladle. Oh no, Maureen has to leave.

No. That's so sad for Maureen. That's fine, that's fine. Yeah, Maureen, you do win getting to leave. So we do leave the windows open, so you will be able to sort of press your nose up against it like a Dickensian child Maureen wait outside and press your head against the window and watch like a Dickensian child. No way. I'm going to bisque hut

I'm going to bisque hut. No don't go to bisque hut. More soup? More bisque? I got a taste for bisque. It's Valentine's Day Maureen please Look I'm going to bisque hut. I got the law I'm going to biscut. I got the, oh, I'm going to biscut. Maureen, make us one promise. Tell me you took your shellfish meds today. Please, Maureen.

Promise me. Well, you just asked me to do two things that are not possible at the same time. Where is your admin, Pesmaureen? Lie to me. Tell me you took your shellfish meds. I took my shellfish medicine and I'm actually not even allergic. Oh, tongue's getting real big.

Big lie. You know what? I'll take the claw. I'll take the claw so Maureen can stay. Nice fucking try. I can't tell if she's being childish or if she's allergic. Nice try. Maureen, it's the hospital or is you staying here?

You are not going to Biscut. When does the cafeteria at the hospital close? Why is it a hut? It's an old pizza hut that closed down and then they... What are we even talking about? It's 8.30. I'm so horny. Can we start? I don't care if Maureen leaves. I'm so horny. I have to start these dates. Will you put that away? There's one on the table. Yeah, there's condoms in the table. You don't have to prep now.

All right, let's go ahead and let you loose. And here we go. Round one is at Maureen. Actually Maureen, you're gonna be heading out. Okay, am I only moving side to side? Is that something that you all are noticing? Huh, you're lobster six, you're moving like a crab. Oh, Maureen. No, Maureen! It can't be good.

No, you're right. It must be psychosomatic if I'm not even moving like a lobster. Wait a second. Was this fucking crab bisque? You cheapskates. That's a crab plop. You passed off crab bisque as lobster bisque? We paid $25 for this event.

How dare you? Okay, I apologize. You cast off crab bisque as lobster bisque? We paid $25 for this event. How dare you? Okay, I apologize. Lobster is not in season, crab was. So that is a crab claw. I assumed it was all, I figured all shellfish is shellfish. I didn't realize there was specific allergies to. And you're selfish.

Okay, very nice. And you were being selfish. $25 and not a nary a lobster. And I'm feeling a little crabby about it. Maureen. Call the hospital. Okay, I rolled and I'm trying to negotiate a hostage situation. And JPC is Professor Snape's. No, that is no.

No but. No but. No but. We'll see. No, no, we won't. Hello? Hello? Hello? Um... Potions class started 30 minutes ago, Mrs. Potter. I'm gonna hang up on you.

I have another call coming in. Okay bye. Hello? No. This is Potions. Go for Potions. I will... this is the opposite now. I'll be here all day. Hello? Hello? Hi. How are you doing? Okay, Neptune. I tried, guys. I did try. I had a funny idea. I had a funny idea. I never see it. They

Funny idea, I had a funny idea, I never see it. They stapes me. These two boys. Jason stapes them over here. They work together and they went, this is gonna be a stapes episode. Scott stapes. All right, Aaron, I'm going to roll the credits again there

and then after those credits, go ahead and do your funny idea that you're gonna do. Okay. Hello. Hello. Hello. Um, okay, can you... Can you let the hostages go? Wha...

We were gonna kill some of the hostages. Yeah, can you let them go? What? Uh, I really would rather... I'd really rather kill them. And I know, and I know, and I know. But... Why not let him go? Would you give me something for that? Or is that... Is that rude to ask? Or...

No, I don't think I will. I think just let him. Come on. Ugh... Can I let half go? It's Christmas. Ugh... Ugh... It's Christmas. I know! I really wanted to keep the hostages here at Nakatomi Tower. Because I am- No, no, no, I got there first!

I got there first! No, no, no! He's trying to say that I got there first! I beat you, I got there, I did it, I did it first! Aaron, hostages during Christmas, you're basically doing Die Hard,hard which was Alan Rickens first film that- I know I know it was the whole plan I had! Nakatomi Plaza, turn to page, Nakatomi Plaza. Let the record show you got there first Aaron, you got there first.

I got there first. Neptune. Stapes. Stapes. Stapes. Stapes. And the boys, We're gonna win the 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!