Hey Riddle Riddle - #348: The Three Shaqs of Riddles w/ Luke Null

Episode Date: March 19, 2025

Luke Null joins us to finally get to the bottom of what happened at a big party in New York City a few weeks ago. Oh, and he also has a new stand up special that you can probably buy! And you probably should cause it's fun and he's funny. Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifGuest Starring:Luke NullEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store! or pins, buttons & printsWant to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday!

And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! And the worst is a Friday! Aaron? Aaron? Uh, can you see me still? Whoa. She could be coming from any direction. Wow. I'm over here now. I think Aaron may be hunting us. I've covered myself in riddles at the Riddle Podcast so you can't see me. JPC remember, Aaron's never hunt alone, they hunt in packs. So we should be able to see one and then one will surprise us.

Yeah. Packs of Aaron's. What do we think we're working with? We should be able to see one and then one will surprise us so yeah, all right packs of errands What do we think we're working with Brock of it? heart Rogers yeah Scare and Aaron the I went to school with them. That's okay. So we yeah, so we did for celebrity errands. We did two men one What I guess it's a real person bow and are an arrow whizzes by your face not a bow No, it was a bow Aaron you threw a bow. I threw the whole bow dang it

Okay, oh she held onto the arrow and shot the bow. I panicked up okay. Let's see. Aaron's like a roadrunner cartoon Okay, uh runs as fast as they can with the arrow at Adel ooo falls down ahhhhhh My shins my shins uh as fast as they can with the arrow at Addle. Oh, falls down. Ah! Impale yourself with the arrow. My shins, my shins, ugh. Erin. What? You wanna hear the most interesting song in the world?

Okay. Press play. Do do do do. How does new slang go? Do do do do. Ain't like that. It does not go like that. I feel like you're playing it in reverse.

Doesn't that sound like right? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Luke, no. Luke, welcome aboard and please sing new slang. Gold teeth and a curse for this town. Thank you. They're all in my mouth. Only I don't know how they got out here. And that's all of these lyrics I know from the shins. From the whole band. From the whole band.

I go back and listen to the Garden State soundtrack. Did anyone ever see them live? Really, really good. No. The shins. From the whole band. From the whole band. I go back and listen to the Garden State soundtrack. Did anyone ever see them live? Really, really good. No. The shins? Yeah. They never performed live. I wish. No one ever saw them. I saw them once at a music festival.

And they were good. They were good. Did they play Caring as Creepy? Yeah. Probably. Probably. I assume they were playing the hits. How are you? I only like their new stuff. Thank you for coming on the show.

Yeah. It's good to be back, you guys. Oh my gosh. Ever since I was last on here, I've been trying to go to sleep each and every night, but just seeing all the riddles, I didn't get right. Running in my eyelids, inside of my eyelids

as I try to sleep. Yep, it's sort of like, Luke, do you know the movie Jaws? You know how Quint gives a monologue about the- Like a doll's eyes. Yes. Adults, Brown Saddle. Roll back in their heads like a doll's eyes. That's not enough for you, Luke,

that's a note for Quint. T needs to know, he's pronouncing it wrong. And not not quint from jobs, but quint from ain't it cool news Which I don't know if that's the website I can't be it can't possibly be Luke Welcome back. We wanted to have you on because SNL 50 is still in everyone's mind Thoughts feelings. I mean, tell us, how was the fucking party, my man?

I'll tell you what, I did go back for the concert. They did not fly me out. I did pay to fly and to stay, but I was invited to Radio City Music Hall for the, I will say, a very awesome concert. The concert was so fun. And I mean, the lineup was wild, but it was very funny to be in a room of like 300 people

who were all fired by one guy, and they were all there to celebrate that guy. So we're all like, he fired everyone that's sitting here. Personally fired each and every one of us. It must be a lot of heads on a swivel looking left, looking right, sitting here, personally fired each and every one of us. It must be a lot of heads on a swivel looking left, looking right, and then whisper talk of like, hey, something disparaging maybe. Maybe not, maybe not, maybe not.

There was a lot of people that were like, I was worried had 3D printed like Luigi scenario, just waiting for their, yeah. Shinzo Abe, the man on his 50th anniversary. What's funny about that too is like, in the entertainment industry, I feel like people are like, yeah, all those people showed up to that show.

The fired people showed up to that show. Whereas like, if you're just working some job and your boss fired you and then like, 10 years later. Retired or whatever. Hey, come to this party. 10 years later invites you you to a party like you would go and throw a brick through the fucking window. Oh yeah. What was the best part of the concert? Share. No Robin Robin. Or no Nirvana reunion with Post Malone singing. That's sick. No, Lauryn Hill. That's awesome.

I mean, it's gotta be Lauryn Hill. Wasn't the concert also like three hours long? Yeah, it was really long. It felt like a concert that nobody said no to. Like it felt like they were like, hey, book a three hour show and we'll end up with a two hour show. And then they booked a four hour show somehow.

Pretty much, and then there was also like, I had never thought of seat fillers before, so there was like, because they filmed it, like basically like 40 minutes in, they were like any open seats, they would like send 20 year olds in who were just like hanging out outside radio sitting music hall to be seat fillers.

And I was sitting directly next to Finesse Mitchell and he and I had like a, we talked about it. We're like, we're not giving this, we had like a buffer seat just to be able to have like a little bit of groove area. I brought Eli Mandel as my plus one. Awesome. Former Chicago bad boy and SNL writer

who was there for a year. I thought he would appreciate it. But he and I, he had seat fillers jammed up against him and I'm like, nah, dog, me and Finesse, we are boxing out the open seat in between us. No seat filler, we'll sit here. There was a freezing cold 20 year old out in the streets of New York because of that, Luke.

I hope you're happy. Yeah, I'm sorry that they passed. People don't talk about it, but with those seat fillers, that seat is their home. And if they don't get a home, they go back to the kill shelter where they put them down. But they make it nice for them. They show them like, what's something that someone

living in like Brooklyn who's 20 years old would like. Oh, they show them a mattress with no sheet and they say, this is going to be yours. Yeah. This is all for you. Please, sir. They show them an $11 coffee and they say, that's something that you're

going to be able to enjoy. And then, you know, they say, here's your screenplay. Yep. It's finished. Hit up with the no country for old men. Cattle good. Luke, I gotta know. Did they sell like merch?

Like was there a SNL concert shirt with all the bands on the back? So the whole time, the, without even joking, everyone that, from all of the SNL eras, we were all mingling in the lobby before they let us in. And the first thing on everyone, it felt like a weird high school reunion a little bit where I knew my bullies would be there kind of thing. I knew that.

But at the same time, I'm meeting, it was all good vibes, it was all fun. But everyone, the first word out of everyone's mouth was, how is it, how was everything not free? Like paying for the drinks, there was merch, there was a hundred and fifty dollar SNL 50 commemorative ornament that they were selling at the gift shop. And we kept joking like, Lauren's not gonna give us an ornament. Lauren's not gonna give us an ornament. We're gonna pay the 150 for the ornament.

And it was like $150. Was it made of diamonds? Lauren's ornament. Lawn-a-ment. Lawn-a-ment. Did you see anybody buy one? Did you see anyone buy a $150 ornament? People were doing gags about it,

but I did not witness one be bought. But we did, we were- I just saw a picture of it. Did you see anybody buy one? Did you see anyone buy a $150 ornament? People were doing gags about it, but I did not witness one be bought. But we did, we were saying we were gonna. Was Tina Fey walking around, walking out with like four shopping bags full of $150 ornaments? It's a lost leader. I thought it would be really weird

to be the guy buying merch. Like the one guy who, you know, it was weird. It was weird. we had to pay for it well now if you see one out in the wild you'll know it was a hundred and fifty dollars if anyone out there is at a celebrity's home and you see that ornament on their Christmas tree no they paid a hundred and fifty dollars for it that's I would like an really insane an SNL 50 like tour shirt but instead of like dates listed on the back,

it was just one date. It was just Radio City Music Hall, the one night that it was. That's the only stop on this tour. The Cher concert. Well, Luke, we're actually not here to talk about whatever the hell that was. The thing you brought up.

Your incessant need to talk about celebrity. Oh my God, grow up. It's so disgusting. JPC, you asked about it. Yeah. Okay. I lived with you and I've seen you naked. Let's move on. Tell us, tell us.

How weird is his butt? One out of 10, how weird is his butt? Hey, Aaron. It sucks that it's cute. Oh, no. I will say, in the last 10 years, it's gotten weirder, though. It's getting weirder every day.

It's because I'm doing something with it, to it. Here's your first riddle. What? With it or do it? Who with it, do it? I didn't ask. Oh, I did ask. Weedwhacker?

Ah. I wish I could afford name brand. Okay, here we go. Here's your first riddle. You know the game, you know the shame. We grow in your garden. Wait, do you think Weed Whacker is a name brand and not just the product?

You know what, it probably is a name brand. You think it's like, you know. Oh, wait, we're not allowed to Google this here. Luke, we're trying to cut ourselves off from Googling mid-episode. Oh, then I'm not, I won't either. Okay, great, thank you. Sorry, I'll stop interrupting.

No, I just, I wish I knew though, but we can't know. Someone listening to this at work with like a polo shirt that says Weed Whacker on it just going crazy right now. They're like, it is a name, Brad. Who are the best art field? It's like the Aaron Burr commercial. It's not like John Deere. Yeah.

It's like the Aaron Burr commercial. Yes, that's right. Only old heads will know about the Aaron Burr commercial. Aaron, you remember the Aaron Burr commercial? I don't. I'm very, very young. Very small. One of the best commercial. Fuck off.

Dave, you during the Super Bowl, A guy, we pan around his house. He has the bullet from the Burr-Hamilton duel. He has books, he has posters, he has busts of their head. He's an expert, you might say, Aaron. He literally wrote the book, some might say. Then he gets a call from a radio station. They say, you're the fifth caller for $100,000. Who shot Alexander Hamilton?

He goes to say Aaron Burr, but he just took a big bite of peanut butter sandwich and he has no milk to wash it down. So Aaron, he goes, Aaron Burr, and they go, huh? And he goes, Aaron Burr. And they go, are you a child? He goes, no, peanut butter in my mouth.

And they go, last chance. He says, Aaron Burr. They go, sorry, we gotta call somebody else. He lost $100,000 because of peanut butter. That's really dark. Is it an ad for peanut butter? Yes. It's for milk.

It's because peanut butter, worth it. He turns it towards himself. The peanut butter made him unable to pronounce his awes. Elwin, Elwin Bu. Elwin Bu. The wild thing is that was an ad for milk. And there was a time in this country where they were trying to be like, hey, you can just drink milk as a drink.

Big milk. Big milk had a lot of money. They'd show a picture of a little kid drinking milk looking in a mirror, and in the mirror was like Shaq. It's like, you're not going to be Shaq. You might grow a little bit. You won't be Shaq. You might grow a little bit. It says that in the fine print. You're not going to be Shaq. You might grow a little bit. Says that in the fine print. You're not gonna be shacked.

You're not gonna set records at LSU, but you'll be slightly taller. Every kid from the 90s who drank milk all became shacked. You just have millions of shacks. All restaurant occupancies, what am I trying to say? Who does? Occupancies? All those sides had to change. They went from like 150 to like 20.

Yeah. Or they have a parenthetical where it says 150 and then in parentheses it says 110 shacks. There might be more shacks than we think because he has a branding deal for every brand in existence. And it would make sense if there were like four shacks allowing him to split his time between the general and. Do you think he ever had a deal with Radio Shack? Oh. Because it feels like that would have been a really easy one for him and he was like,

no, no, no, I'm doing icy hot. Only products I believe in. Yeah. That's what he said. I bet he says that. That's probably the first business he ever said no to. Then they went under and then Shaq was like Now Shaq realizes the power of what like that I have on the economy and he's like, I'll never say no again Yeah, he could have saved Radio Shaq

This would be a great job to Google guys. We is Joe's Existence is that still? Yeah, oh, yeah Jack Shake Shaq and they just him shaking in a commercial and then under says shake Shaq Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You could do Joe's Crab Shack for sure. There are now Joe's Crab Shack. You could do Shake Shack. Shake Shack. Shake Shack. And it's just him shaking in a commercial and then under it says Shake Shack. Now, Aaron, you've given me an idea

which I think we have to put on next summer which is Shakespeare in the Park. Now this is Shaq doing Shakespeare in the Park. Wow. It's him playing Hamlet. It's Shakespearean actors doing Kazam. Wait, I like that better. We reverse it, I love it.

That's way funnier. That's way better. Shakespeare at the Park releases their summer series and it's like Macbeth, Hamlet, and Kazam. And they're like, uh. Not blue chip? Shazam, shazam, kazam. Kazam.

It doesn't matter. Okay, here's your first riddle. We grow in your garden, we glow in your room. Only the name is the same. Whoa. Yeah. Bulbs. Yeah, it's bulbs.

You got it, you nailed it. Addle, you're fucking hot tonight. Woo. Only the name is the same? Yeah, because like bulbs grow in the garden and bulbs are also in your room, but they are in front of the same. Aren't they similarly shaped they aren't they similarly shame

Aren't they similarly shaped? No only the name is this oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, sorry course stuff Yeah, of course. Oh, the names are the same don't we have the stock market cuz of tulips Or something okay, huh? Huh, isn't that how we have the stock market well That was the that was the Dutch the Dutch had a a tulip war in the 1600s. That's real. And that's why we have the stock market? And we can't Google it. See, we wouldn't need Google if Luke was here all the time.

I'm trying to pick you to be on the show all the time, Luke. I'm always here. If there's somebody at work with a shirt that says stock market and they're losing their mind right now. I do wanna see a scene. Just a little tulip. I do want to see a scene. Just a little tulip.

Erin and Luke, you are two roses in the garden. Great. Tall and beautiful. And JPC, you are a little garlic, a little bulb of garlic that's grown next to them and they're finally having a conversation with you. Nice day. Really soaking up the juices.

Yeah, you look, you are looking really well. And to you as well. You're looking so good. The photosynthesis, it tastes so yumlicious. Oh my God, thank you, hold on, sorry. What? Hi. Oh hi.

Hey. Ooh. Oh man, what a gorgeous day! You two are looking good. Oh my god, it smells so bad. Oh my god. Oh man, I bet we all hope they put us on bread. Is it messed up?

Is it racial to call out his scent? Yeah, I think he might be. I'm so sorry. I bet we all hope they put us on bread We actually oh No, we kind of just like We're actually not great on bread. Well, you guys are tall Well, you guys are tall. Yeah. Well, yeah runs in the family a little bit. We're very beautiful, too. What's a where are you from? the ground

Yeah, same I guess same why are you guys? Uh, the ground. I'm from the dirt. I guess same. Why aren't you guys covered in it? Why is it all over me? We sort of are waiting to be picked and maybe given to a loved one. Maybe for a funeral or a wedding or Valentine's Day. You look like you just got marked by a dog. And I do want to see just a quick sort of like taming of the shrew, my fair lady montage,

where you two are trying to teach the garlic to be high society. Okay, so... Repeat after us. Roses are red. He's getting there. Okay, so repeat after us roses are red He's getting there One scene montage that makes you bail on the whole montage is the start of the montage She's obviously not gonna get it. You're like, fuck it. Yeah, I've been in an improv show before. I know what to do. I know what this game is.

Pull the rip cord right away. Yeah. One strike. All right, here we go. Here's your next one. I am a man without bones. My flesh is white. I am a man without blood.

My flesh is cold. I'm a man without life. My flesh is shrinking. I am a man without life. My flesh is shrinking I am the man you made and lost Clint Eastwood Yes, Aaron, do we remember the empty chair that was Obama? I forgot how crazy it was. I did forget about that. That was awesome. You're the mayor of Carmel. Mayor of Carmel by the sea in California.

Wow. Must be nice. Briefly. Was that the RNC where he talked to an empty chair and then he... 2016 or...no, 2008? Yeah, this was Obama years. 2012? 2012?

We've been in 2012. God. Good times, huh? Thanks Obama. Obama years. There's zero Obama years. 2012? 2012? We've been 2012. Oh wait. God. Good times, huh? Thanks Obama. I take that now. Um, JPC, can you read it again, cause? Yeah, a man is...

I'm a man without bones, my flesh is white. I'm a man without blood, my flesh is cold. I'm a man without life, my flesh is shrinking. I am the man you made and lost. Ice Cube. Whoa. Aaron Snowman. It is Snowman.

It is Snowman, Luke. Whoa. That makes a lot of sense. Aaron, I think you get partial credit. Partial credit for Ice Cube. It really helped everybody. I want the whole thing or I don't get credit. I gotta keep myself honest over here.

I can't give you the whole thing. I think it would have been closer to Ice Cube if there was also another little clue that said, my son played me in the movie about me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to see a scene.

Yes. JPC, you're a kid. Luke, you are a snowman that he made and brought to life. And you're sort of a couple weeks into this. Good eye. and brought to life and you're like sort of a couple weeks in to this. G'day! Oh, hey, you're back. Um... Are you smoking weed in my shed?

Well, I'm just passing the time because I know I only got, you know, it's March. So, yeah, I kind of know, you know, it's kind of... Oh, yeah. I got my make-a-wish. I'm sorry? I'm Terminal, and I was allowed to have a wish, and your my wish is to meet a loving little boy. Oh, I thought I made you out of snow.

You did, and now I'm dying. Oh, okay, it's like a figurative make-a-wish now, like you didn't go through the company. I went through the company. They, yeah, they know that I'm on a transplant list and it's not looking good. What, what would you need to transplant? Well, here's the thing.

I need a large ball of snow. I need a slightly smaller ball of snow and I need a even yet smaller ball of snow, all three of them. And that's kind of a whole thing. Hey, so my mom, my mom got the electric bill and it was like $600. Cool. Well, no, but like it shouldn't be in the winter.

And then I realized that there's the air conditioning unit in the shed and I feel like maybe you're just out in the shed running the air condition like 20, 24, seven? I'm running the air conditioning. It's kind of a life support scenario for me. Yeah. Where if you were to pull, this would be pulling the plug if you turn that off.

Yeah, it's just it's 56 degrees outside. So it feels just like maybe like 11, 12. This wish is not going how I wanted. I, when they did them. Knock, knock, hey champ. Oh, hey dad. Hey buddy, has them. Knock knock, hey champ. Oh hey dad. Hey buddy. Has a hair dryer on his side. Hey buddy. Your mom showed me the electric bill.

I just want to let you know I'm about to take your friend to a farm up in Antarctica. Down in Antarctica. So if you want to say goodbye or anything. No actually- Plot actually in the hairdryer oh that don't just that's gonna kill the electricity bill too Bob's gonna be even more bad in fact honestly dad I think you've been solving a lot of problems around the house with the hairdryer that might be a significant portion of the electricity bill I thought it worked for the creme brulee last night. Would you would you agree? No? No, I have to disagree. It took so long. I think after it just made a kind of warm I thought that creme was brulee I Did you need a blowtorch? I think you need way hotter and for a waste and for a way briefer period of time

I'm sorry snowman here. I've been listening and I know what you're ready to do to me I'm, sorry, Snowman here. I've been listening and I know what you're ready to do to me, but I was more concerned with, if you're using a full blast hairdryer on a creme brulee that it didn't kind of squirt all of the junk out of the thing. Like it, like just the force of the hairdryer didn't blow any of the, I don't know.

I'm sorry, you don't know what's best for my family actually that's where we are dessert part excuse me excuse me we see a montage of the snowman slowly falling in love with the mom taking over the life playing baseball with the kids I guess this is. I mean neither one of them was great at baseball. Scene. Great work everyone, great work with our one scene montage. I love the idea of it's like an organ transplant person being like oh shit I don't know what happened but I lost it they're like It's like, I opened the cooler and it was just, it's all ice and snow.

And they're like, no, that's what, that was the thing. Oh my God, that was for a snowman. I thought maybe a dog got at it. I dumped the ice. There was a terrible accident and we got a snowman middle that was shipped priority over here. Oh God. Yeah, so a snowman died in a car wreck.

Yeah. But he had an organ donor on his license. It's my son. This is my son. Um, okay. This one's a little bit longer. Okay, cool. When wild once I was, silently the world I roamed.

I sniffed and listened to the wind. My green gold gaze surveyed the dark and hunger held my hunter's heart. Now tame and safe I am, but sometimes when I watch the breeze shuffling the shadowed leaves, I hear the owl cry in the dark and hunger haunts my hunter's heart. Is this like a dog that used to be a wolf? At all. It is not like a dog that used to be a wolf, but it's shockingly close.

Shockingly close for what I assume, and I want to, I just want to verify. Was a joke answer at all? Or was it a real attempt? That's the only thing I can think of, of like, I used to be like this wild thing, and now I'm tame and and I know Wolves became dogs. Mm-hmm, and there's no more wolves anymore

Yeah, r.i.p. And we can't google that we can't we got rid of wolves somebody who works at wolves has a Hoodie on If you were to definitely be a startup it would have a ping pong table for sure There are probably a lot of people listening to this that have that three wolves howling at the moon shirt on, but they don't work at wolves. Yeah, their logo is the whole movie, The Grey. So he breaks the wolves with a bottle

at the end of that movie. Get the poor fight with the wolf. Can you read it again? And I hate to ask that. Yeah. Um, especially since this one has, this one, I feel like has some tongue twisters in it. When wild once I was, silently the world I roamed, I sniffed and listened to the wind. My green gold gaze surveyed the dark and hunger held my hunter's heart.

Now tame and safe I am, but sometimes when I watch the breeze shuffled, shuffling the shadowed leaves, I hear the owl cry in the dark and hunger haunts my hunter's heart." Howl, it makes me want to howl. Howl literal is gold green. Yeah. Green, gold, gays? I think it's pretty literal.

Yeah. So it's something that has green and gold eyes. Yeah, I would say so. I don't know that- This is an animal. Not a kitty cat. It's not like- I mean's an animal? Not a kitty cat. I mean, Luke, it is a kitty cat. Oh, Addle, you were very close.

You were so close with Wolf, yeah. You were just in the wrong domesticated animal. I would argue, though, that everyone knows that house cats will kill things for sport more than anything. Like, they aren't done hunting. No. They're lions of the living room is what they say.

That's right. I feel like we did a really good job as a society domesticating dogs, and we were like, damn, we really, we could make these dogs do so many specialized tasks, and then we all turned to cats, and we were like, good enough. They'll eat my face if I die.

We did a halfway fine job on cats, but it's just more trouble than it's worth. Do you think that in another like thousand years, like dogs will be people, like dogs will be wearing like sport coats and be like, ha ha ha, can I make you a martini? And cats will be where dogs are now. Whoa. Like cats are just not there yet with domestication. and cats will be like, oh, can I make you a martini? And cats will be where dogs are now.

Whoa. Like cats are just not there yet with domestication, but we're like still really trying. JPC's edible just kicked in, everybody. JPC's three hours of sleep last night has just now kicked in. JPC, honest answer, dogs and cats will never be humans, but I feel like in a thousand years,

dogs will be where horses are worse where people will Ride dogs with like a foot on two different dogs. Yeah, that makes sense like skiing Mad Max, thank you. Yes They'll be riding dogs. I have an idea for a scene. I'll call it up for y'all Okay, Aaron and JBC you guys are in an office break room and Adol is a dog, he's a dog. Uh, accountant. This is all he wants, this is all he wants in the world.

He's coming in, he's just, you know, getting on his coffee break. Okay. I mean we had that HR meeting about like who peed on the floor and I feel like we all kind of like, no, who peed on the floor, right? Woof, woof, woof, woof. Move, move. Hey. and I feel like we all kind of like No So I'm trying to get to the cabinet for my move

cabinet for your from my coffee bowl oh Yeah, uh you know what actually? Greg I think it's still on the floor. I don't think you cleaned it up from sorry last time well. I don't know if you Talk to HR yet, but you two are actually responsible Responsible for cleaning my coffee bowl and my lunch bowl right cuz they're on the floor, and you can't reach the sink How was your kids birthday party this weekend Greg? Good yeah 14 kids from one litter, 8 from another. So it was 26 birthday presents and

I'm financially ruined. It was fine. It was fine. You know about that HR meeting later we're having about who peed on the floor? I don't know if I can make that. Oh Linda, I smell. No. It smells like two days ago you had watch it high food no don't do this seems like you've pooped three times when you smelled my divorce it was a really really really bad day for me so can you just let hey hey hey Linda I smelled another woman on mark okay I don't the same thing it's sort of on the means to the same end, huh?

You smelled it 12 hours before Linda found out about it. So. I can smell the divorce. Okay. You know what? Why don't- I think you should probably make that meeting, right? Yeah. Tyler, you should be at that meeting, right? Now that we're- Yeah, I think you should definitely be at that meeting.

I have to get some shots, so... Oh, okay, that's convenient. Are you guys getting shots? I just got you- well, we don't get shots every year. Well, I guess we do, but we just get different shots every year. We get like COVID boosters and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think you should really make that meeting, Greg.

I think you should probably show up. Welcome to the meeting. It's really nice to have you guys in here. I think, you know, we're gonna cut to the meeting. It's really nice to have you guys in here I think you know we're gonna cut to the chase someone has repeatedly No, we're not playing chase. Oh no we're not playing chase. Sorry, sorry Greg. Oh it's for home. It's alright Greg. This is on the floor a little bit. Okay and I think the meeting's over now. Thank God everyone's gonna think it's Greg and not me Linda who peed on the floor. And this is, okay, and I think the meeting's over now.

Tom. Hey, thank God everyone's gonna think it's Greg and not me, Linda, who peed on the floor. Phew. Thank God, Greg's taking the heat. I've been so sick for the past couple weeks. See. Oh, it's the humans peeing on the floor, everybody. Oh, Greg, it's the humans peeing.

That one was a twist. If I worked in an office with a dog who also worked in that office and I was supposed to clean up that dog's bowl, I think I'd start peeing on the floor. I think I would start peeing on the floor just to get the dog in trouble. Well that's a good peek behind the curtain of your personality, GBC. Yeah, that sucks. Alright fine, let's take a quick break. We'll be back with more peeing on the floor and blaming a dog.

He's gonna pee on the floor during the break. Yeah. Can't prove that. One, two, three, four, hey, Rachel, Rachel. I'm still in my, I'm talking in my sleep, I'm sleeping on my Helix mattress, I can't wake up from recording, I'm talking in my sleep. I'm sleeping on my helix mattress. I can't wake up for recording. I'm so comfy Erin Erin Erin Erin you fell asleep in the middle of recording We're trying. We're trying to record a helix mattress ad for the podcast. What are you doing?

Sorry, I Didn't get to sleep in my helix bed last night. I Get now. I just all I want. I'm just craving it. I'm just dreaming about it. My midnight lux. Oh, it's the best. Was someone preventing you from sleeping in your bed last night?

I can't find my keys to my house. Oh, because Lou ate them. Probably. Because Lou wants to sleep in your Helix sleep mattress. Of course. The mattress is so comfortable, dogs will eat your keys to get to it. Well, I don't know.

That's a positive. That's a positive. It's a positive. Mm-hmm. Well, Erin, your Healix Sleep Mattress sounds awesome. I frankly am having a really terrible time sleeping on my mattress. It was supposed to be like a new mattress that I got

from like a, I don't wanna say it was like a shady company, but it seems like it's just kind of like a flat piece of board. I got it from, oh man, it's Mid it's just kind of like a flat piece of board. I got it from... Oh, man. It's Midler's mattress. Oh, no. It's not even hidden this time. Oh, no.

And you know what? Now that I'm thinking of it, it was definitely Steve that delivered it. Oh, I forgot about Steve in his Steve-mobile, I think. Yeah, he did it in his Steve-mobile. He had the big piece of flat board strapped to the top of his Steve-mobile. Ah! I of flat board strapped to the top of his Steve Mobile. Ah, I wish I'd gotten a Helix Sleep Mattress because, man, Helix Sleep Mattresses are the best.

The most comfortable sleep that I've ever had in my entire life. I don't know why I chose to get a Midler mattress. That was such a big mistake. That was an insane choice. If you have sleep issues and you need something specific, Helix has the mattress for you. Just take a quick sleep quiz and they set you up perfectly with a mattress. A quiz you don't even have to study for.

It's that simple. And right now, Helix has a March Madness sale going off where you can get 20% off site-wide. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the March Madness sale. That is helixsleep.com slash riddle for the March Madness sale That is helixsleep.com slash riddle for their March Madness sale helixsleep.com slash riddle r-i-d-d-l-e You know what else has two D's in it? Midler? Oh, Midler not now. Midler it also has two D's like an I and the L-E. It's like

Riddle and middle Midler do you sleep on a middle or mattress or a helix? Oh God, I sleep on a helix mattress. I would never sleep on a middle or mattress. Makes sense. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Get a 90 degree angle and another 90 degree angle. Okay, we have a Squarespace here.

We can all just kind of, this is kind of like a sandbox for us, Hey Riddle hosts to hang out in. Oh, perfect. Yeah, awesome. My corner is messy. Can I switch corners with someone else? Erin, it sounds like you could actually use Squarespace, not to be confused with our Squarespace.

Oh, yeah. This Squarespace is a all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place, Erin. And Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your experience

and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. I'm gonna teach people online how to make your corner of your Squarespace as messy as possible. Ooh, and I guess we can figure out how many people

want that because they have analytics, Erin. Squarespace says analytics makes smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools, review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement, and track revenue from bookings and voices, et cetera, and find out who wants info on how to be messy. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Your guys' Squarespace has all that?

Why does mine... I mean, the one that I'm looking at doesn't have any features on it. Oh, I see what's happening. My Squarespace has been invaded by the Midler. No. Oh, no. Aaron, your favorite. I know what's happening. My Squarespace has been invaded by the Midler. No. Oh no.

Aaron, your favorite. Ugh, the Midler who makes everything mid. That's right! You caught me! The Midler is here! But never fear! The Midler knows when he's been bested, so I'll give you this. The real Squarespace has SEO tools.

Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto generated site map and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Not like me, the Midler, who makes everything finish it, say it, who makes everything Mid. Mid. Now, Midler, I heard a rumor that you're called that

because you're the middle child. Wow, this is the most attention I've ever got. The bitler's really clamming up. Let's move on, let's move on. Head to squarespace.com slash Riddle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Wow. I had almost forgotten about the middler. Did you guys forget about the middler as well? Did you have a sidekick that was like Greg or something? Oh, he had a normal name. We'll never know. Um, we'll know. We, we, we, we will never know.

Steve, Steve, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Addle, JPC, I got some good news. Oh, great. What is it? Oh, Erin. I'm not mad at you anymore. Oh. That's actually great news.

Yes, it's fine news. I didn't know that you were mad at me at all. Yeah, but I talked to my BetterHelp therapist about it and she really helped me. I'm feeling a lot better now. And it didn't cost me like an arm and a leg. Yeah, Erin, traditional in-person therapy can cost, I don't know, anywhere from $100 to $250 per session,

which adds up fast, but with BetterHelp online therapy like you used, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and time. And you know what? I barely paid anything to be able to talk about how mad I was at you guys. Oh my gosh, I was so mad.

Well, I like that, Erin, because I think therapy, it should feel accessible. Not like a luxury. And with online therapy, you get a quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress to maybe just being like I'm gonna use the word unreasonably

But that's not a judgment word mad at a friend who I'm gonna use the word did absolutely nothing wrong And that is not a judgment word But your mental health is worth it Aaron and now it's within reach Yeah, Aaron if you want to talk to someone a better help I think that's fantastic if you want to tell them someone at BetterHelp, I think that's fantastic. If you want to tell them like, Hey, my friends, JPC and Anil, they're like, so cool and supportive, like almost too cool and supportive. Right. And with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient to you can join a session with a click of a button helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus switch therapists anytime. I love this kind of therapy because it suits my brain to be able to just send a message to my counselor

whenever I need about how my friends go see 40X movies without me and they start rubbing my face. You know what, Erin, this is a breakthrough for me. I think I'm gonna reach out to a therapist right now. Would you indulge me for just a moment? Sure, of course. Hello? Therapy office? Oh, thank God. Yeah, I would like to do some therapy right now. That's the middler. Go to BetterHelp instead. That's the middler.

No, that's not the middler. Is that the middler? It's either that or Bette Midler. Is it your relation? Your well-being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h-e-l-p dot com slash riddle. R-i-d-d-l-e. Let better help be the wind beneath your wings, Bette Midler and Johnny Carson. beneath your wings, but mid-large on a Carson. Oh, hey everyone. Today I want to talk to you about found. As a fellow small business owner,

I really relate to the struggle of managing your finances while also trying to grow your business. After all, who's got time to eat a thousand locusts or eat 2000 locusts? Oh, no, that might not be the right amount of locusts. Uh-oh. Um. No. That might not be the right amount of locusts. Thank you, Katharine Hepburn. That might not be the right amount of locusts.

Hey, Erin, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, what's up? I said before we should have recorded this ad that I wanted to be the guy that did the funny thing in this ad, OK? And then you came up with a brand new super funny character. I got it, I got it. Who is Snake Throat? I got it, I got it, I got it. I won't do Snake Throat.

I'll save Snake Throat for a different ad. Fine. Okay, I'm gonna continue with the copy, okay? Okay, great. And please don't do Snake Throat. Okay. That's why I started using Found. Found is a business banking platform

that has made everything about managing my business finances easy, from automatically tracking expenses for me to helping me manage invoices to find write-offs. Yeah, Found has saved me so much time. It has honestly helped me be smarter about how I handle my money. It's such a headache having a business.

I don't want to have to be stressed about it all the time. Thanks, Snake Mouth. Snake Throat, stay out of it. It's both. Huh? Wait now! Now, it seems... Okay, I can see that nobody's on my side here, so I'm just going to make like a tree and

root out the problem. You're both out of here. Oh, speaking of tree, we have Mr. Pine. Oh, and by the way, other small businesses are loving Found too. This found user said, Found is going to save me so much headache. It makes everything so much easier. Expenses, income, profits, taxes, invoices even. And found has 30,000 5-star reviews just like this.

Open a found account for free at F-O-U-N-D dot com slash riddle. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by Piermont Bank. Member FDIC. Don't put this one off. Join thousands of small business owners who have streamlined their finances with found. And now to sleep for a thousand years. Ah, and he's gone. That's found dot com F-O-U-N-D dot com slash riddle Okay, I was supposed to do this whole thing about how I use the business to buy a bunch of locusts cuz I eat locusts But I guess we're just not doing that thing cuz we got steak mouth of the tree guy Open a found account for free at found.com slash riddle

Sorry, JBC. Sorry man, but it's really fun to drive you insane. Yeah. Hey Riddle, Riddle. You guys, I have a riddle. I told some folks that I was coming on the show and I said, can anyone give me a true Stumper? These folks have heard them all, you know? What is the hardest riddle that you know,

and I got a riddle that I, I'll tell you what, it's a fricking Stumper. Do you guys wanna hear this riddle? I'm very excited. Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, we have to. I also have supreme confidence in us. I think that you, Luke, I mean, you're obviously a real neophyte.

You don't know riddles like we do. No, no, no. You think this is the true stumper, we're three professionals, like we're at the height of our game. JPC, he's seeing your weird butt, okay? You're sort of ass exposed right now. Aaron, don't interrupt, I have a lot more. We're kind of like the three Shacks of riddles. It's nothing but net, it's all... Shack was good, it's like three pointers. If there's one thing Shack was known for, it was nothing but net. And if there's one thing JPC is known for, it's all, Shaq was good, it's like three pointers. If there's one thing Shaq was known for, it was nothing but net. And if there's one thing JPC is known for, it's knowing anything about athletics.

I'm just now finding out his name is not spelled like Steak Shaq. S-H-A-Q. Genuine question, JPC, can you name a team that Shaquille O'Neal played for? Oh, I can name three. First of all, I've ever told you guys that team that Shaquille O'Neal played for? Oh, I can name three. First of all, I've ever told you guys that I met Shaq? Is that real?

Is that how I beat Shaq? I didn't meet Shaq, but I grew up in Indianapolis, and there was a while where the Pacers were good, right? But I remember the Lakers were in town, and they played the Lakers were in town and they... played the Lakers and there was a thing on like the radio. That weekend or something where there was a dealership like a... car dealership in town that when the Lakers came to town... they gave Shaq like an F350 super duty because they were...

like he's the biggest guy in the world he can't fit in any... cars our dealership is going to get pressed by like letting... them go around in this truck and they were like, he's the biggest guy in the world. He can't fit in any cars. Our dealership is going to get pressed by letting them go around in this truck. And my mom worked downtown, and we were going to her work to get some papers or some shit. And I remember being a little kid sitting

in the back seat of my car at a stoplight, and I looked up outside of my car, and there in the biggest truck I'd ever seen was the hugest man I'd ever seen It was I mean I was a little kid in shack with shack size It was like looking at like a Titan like what like the depiction of Kronos as he's like the gods, you know Dropping their little god bodies down his goal. He was the biggest person I've ever seen. It was truly, I didn't actually, I talked to him or anything. I just kind of like gaped up at him. And then my mom was like, that's Shaq. And I was like,

yeah, it is. I will say that Shaq played for the 76ers. Whoa, no. Wow, so much confidence. Yikes. No. Wow, so much confidence. Yikes, Mike. As he said, the Lakers kind of go. Have you seen the painting of Shaq eating his son? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's horrifying but beautiful.

Does he have a son? He has several sons. That would be very funny to have a painting of him eating one of his sons and it's like, hey, come on man, I get the joke but. There was an old picture of Shaq, this was like a long time ago, where he was dating the girl who won

Flavor of Love season two, so Flavor Flav, to Shaq. So she's now dating Shaq, which is, that's a, you know, a page turn. That's inspiring. That's a, you know, a page turn. That's a non-lateral move. To go from flavor flavor, yeah, to Shaq. Not lateral move. And there's a picture of them holding hands,

like a paparazzi photo of them walking down the street, and she's having to straight up, like, reach up to hold his hand, like, Oh no, like a kid being baby fat. Yup, and it's really tough, and then you're just like like seeing their height differential, you're like, her head is like belt level with him. You know, you're like, oh no, oh,

the physics of some of that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And Aaron, you're 100% right that Sex with Shaq is like the grape stump lady. Ow, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sex with Shaq is like the grape stomp lady I also like sex with Shaq is like the new short form games like sex with Shaq Very good. Okay. Do you guys want to hear this riddle? I would love to yes It's been instructed to me to read it quickly because I'm not allowed to give it a

Timbre and a musicality of its own. It's meant to be read quickly. Okay, we got so let me let me rip this What has a voice but never speaks what runs but never moves what ends before it begins? Bridges nowhere to nothing while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song This does sound hard JPC your big speech earlier is looking pretty foolish Well, I don't know Aaron. I don't just say terabithia. So I think we got it. I heard bridge in there somewhere. Luke. I'd like to answer Okay, let's hear it Drafted by the Orlando Magic, traded to the Lakers. Stint in Miami, where he won another championship.

Then the Boston Celtics. Then I want to say, is he on the Raptors for a hot minute? No, that was maybe Elijah Wong. I'll stop it, Boston Celtics. Cavs, he was on the Cavs. Yes, damn it. So close. Retired, retired as a Cav.

That's right. Is that real? That's correct. That's a lot. Shaq was on all those basketball teams? Shaq was on a lot of teams. He played for a very long time. Forgive my ignorance, but what is the average amount

of teams that someone will play for in a career? Nowadays, they used to have a term for people who got traded which was like journeymen. And nowadays everyone gets traded. Luke Adon just got traded, which is the most insane shit of all time. Yeah, I was trying to understand that and I couldn't quite grasp the stakes.

I've never seen people panic about a trade like that. Cause it was the dumbest trade of all time. It's like trading Michael Jordan as prime and being like, this is good. For what? Yeah. For an old guy. 10 hot meals.

Who never plays. 10 hot meals. 10 hot meals and a thumbs up? Yeah. And like they almost won, they were in the finals last year with Luca and they were like, let's get rid of our best player. Did anyone understand why?

Did he cost too much money? The rumor is, is that the owner. That he understand why? Did he cost too much money? The rumor is, is that the owner or he drank too much. There's a million rumors. Why the big rumor that I believe is that the owner is like a new, newer owner is that the owners wanted to open up a casino in Dallas and they wouldn't let them cause the T they're like, well, the team is so popular that we don't the revenue, dah, dah, dah, dah. So they're like, okay, well I'll just slowly make this team

unpopular so I can open up my casino they now have a record-setting amount of people injured so now their entire team they have seven people who can play basketball right now which on a team of what 16 so nine of them are injured and can't play so they're, the coach is basically like, I don't even know what to do. Like I don't know. Here's what you do. Don't say airbugs.

Don't say airbugs. No, no. Don't. And an homage to the great, Eugene Hackman, we replaced this, RIP, and we have Keanu Reeves come in. We have that guy who looks like he could be an oasis. Karate. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Yeah, yeah. Reeves come in guy who looks like he could be an oasis

Here's what sucks I know exactly who you're talking about is it life's rife's I've sin or what's his name? Yeah? Yeah, it's a guy for a sin Are you talking about are you talking talking about Little Nicky's brother? Is it the same, is it the same guy that plays the lizard in the bad Spider-Man movie? Yeah, yeah, it's that guy. And he's also in the Game of Thrones spin-off. He's like the hand of the king or something. That guy's good. I like that guy.

He is good. Yeah. I'd like to see a scene. It's Bavriks, right? We're talking about them. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah, I'd like to see a scene. It's Mavericks, right? We're talking about them Okay, yeah, I guess You are the coach of the Dallas Mavericks and it's

Halftime and you're trying to give a speech that's gonna motivate the pathetic team in front of you played by GPC and Addle And Aaron and Aaron and Aaron you can we'll see we'll see I might hop in with a little summon You guys it's I'm not gonna sugarcoat it that was a tough half. Yeah, you know I appreciate that we hustled I know we're playing 3v5 Alright, we're playing 3v5. So wait wait wait that was only half That was only one half. We still have one more half to do? Well, if it makes you feel any better, we have two more quarters.

Can we use all our timeouts in a row to end the game? I already used my timeouts and the other team started calling timeouts as like a, we're sorry, we want, and then I'm like, actually, if you can stop calling them, we want the clock to run out. Could you make a rule or could you talk to the ref if I need to rest on the little table that they have? Where they're calling the game could you just I know I can't sit in the chairs But could you just see if I could rest like leaning on the table like I'm still standing. I'm just leaning on the table Daphne unfortunately, I can't rest any of you guys. We actually yeah, can I wear roller skates in the second half?

honestly Whatever gets you through it. I think you I don't think there's a rule against it But I am worried that it will you'll be injured just with your momentum Mr.. Coach sir pulling yes jacket. Oh,, yes, you Dickensian street orphan. Yeah. Who plays center. Yeah. It seems like a lot of these fans sort of keep saying,

and they keep screaming that they could do better. What if we let them try, Mr. Coachster? I'm one step ahead of you. We actually, the game is going on right now. Oh good. Oh, good. Oh, it's behind us. They're running up and down. So it is happening right now.

And there are fans playing. And this is kind of a good moment for a lot of these kinds of guys who say they can play better and they're just getting windmill dunked on. But they told me to kind of jingle keys and keep you guys kind of busy so that... Ooh, ooh, ooh, they're trying to get these keys, oh my goodness! I got it.

No? Honestly, if some of these fans can shoot basketballs the same way that they whip batteries, I think that we're gonna, you know, actually make some baskets today. Yeah, Philadelphia's a brutal place to play. Yeah, I've seen. Aaron, I have to imagine your catchphrase was, please sir, may I have a dunk? Yeah, probably something like that.

I'll think of another one. Okay, so this riddle has like a 13th hour in it. That's what drew me. At first I thought it could be like a sentence. Yeah. Daylight savings time could be a third time. Yeah, you want me to read it really fast again Yeah, yeah, okay

What has a voice but never speaks what runs but never moves what ends before it begins? Bridges nowhere to nothing while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song It's not like a refrigerator is it? No, it runs with that okay, they're my hmm the color of a soundless song It's not like a refrigerator, is it? No. Because it runs with that, okay, nevermind. The color of a soundless song. I feel like so much of this is intentionally misleading. Yeah.

Bridges nowhere to, or nowhere to nothing. Mm-hmm. Bridges nowhere to nothing. The word two? Silence. Two? That's what I thought too, but no. Okay, but sort of validating that someone else thought that.

I did think that. Cause 13 chime, I was like, that might be silence. Cause there is no 13. The 13th chime, yeah, there is no 13th chime. Or like, I think the 13th chime is like national emergency. I asked the person that sent this to me, I said, is there a hint? Telephone?

And this person said, there is no hint because this is a nonsense, there is no answer, this is nonsense that I'm jamming up and they just wanted to see what you would guess with a bunch of made up garbage. Who did this? This is like the Jabberwocky. Who did this? This was, let me see where it is. Sorry, the Jabberwocky's featuring Chik? This is like the Jabberwocky. Who did this?

This was, let me see where we see where it is. Sorry, the Jabberwocky's featuring Chikulodum. The Jabberwocky's. This was from me. Okay. Wow, wow. This was from me. Whoa, Luke.

KBC, are you calling 911? On myself. Yeah. They gotta stop me before I do what I'm going to do. No, don't do it to me. Luke gets swatted for a riddle. Luke, I have to say, that was truly phenomenal writing because that hit every single point of what a riddle... I would have guessed that was a riddle from the 1800s. That was incredible.

Hey, I did my very best for it to make absolutely no sense, but sound like it might make some, I think I went one thing too much. There definitely sounded like there was an answer. That was extremely good. We got God, and you know, no one's done that before, and it kind of felt good. It kind of felt good to have someone come in and absolutely, oh God.

I've talked to JPC a lot about the amount of riddles you guys have done over the years and just like how you've you've gone through the bottom of the barrel and you're now you've dug through the center to the core of the earth kind of thing. Yeah, I'm like, what would you do if I just gave you just this is where you've reached like hollow earth. Honestly, Luke, it felt kind of good for it to have no answer. Because sometimes the answer pisses me off so much that that genuinely sort of felt like sweet death. There's a tension relief. I know what you mean when the answer makes less sense. This tracks for you, Erin. Because Erin, weren't you saying this weekend

that you like a little bit of pleasure with your pain and vice versa? You were saying that to me while I was on the phone. I am having a ton of sex. Okay, whatever. I hate this soundboard. I said that once as a joke and now JPC plays it all the time. And they clip that?

Yeah, they clip that. Well, JPC, play one of your clips. Fuck you, fuck, fuck this, fuck you, Casey, fuck you too. Wow, Karen. Nevermind. Luke, I have a question for you though. Yeah, yeah. Is it possible if our listeners submitted some answers

to this riddle, if we could send them along to you and you could deem which one is the answer? 100%. Ooh. Do you guys think I should have let you sweat it out longer? I think that was the perfect amount of sweating it out. Cause anything else would be pissed. This was like, like Aaron said, this was like,

this was like a release of an eight year holding of our breath to be like. Yeah, I almost cried. Like a relief kind of cry. Like when you cry in yoga. A relief. You're crying out a bad spirit. I think if you wanted to be an absolute bastard what you could have done

Luke is you could have done another ten minutes of it and kept giving us hints like hints Equally made no fucking sense, but like we were we because I felt lost the whole time But if you had made me feel like I was very close, but I wasn't getting it then I would have been like oh Fuck you. Yeah, if I had used the color of a soundless song as a hint. ALL LAUGHING Yeah. You would have watched me get a nosebleed. Yeah.

I think last, not this year, but last year at SketchFest, someone, I believe it was at San Francisco SketchFest, somebody gave me, thus us, a copy of a game called, I want to say it's called Wise Owls. And it's a bunch of cards that you flip over and there's like 5,000 combinations of how the cards could like play out in three or four word order. And it presents a answer

and then you have to make up a riddle for it. So you're basically, it's a game where you have to improvise riddles based on an answer, I believe. So at some point- The reverse engineering riddles. At some answer I believe so it's a reverse engineering Yes, at some point Luke. We should have you on a patreon and do and play some wise owls and see you You're the one that has that at all. Yes, okay. I was gonna say I don't think I have that but that makes more sense I have alright well hey, okay, fuck you Luke We're gonna make you do a real one now because what you just just did to us. Well, technically mine was a real one.

No! I mean. He wrote it! I would argue that my nonsense riddle with purposefully no answer was better than one or two of the riddles that were submitted last time I was on the show. I completely agree. There were two of them

where I'm like, fuck that one. I'm like, that's not a fence or whatever. I don't know. Also, Luke, I think my favorite part of your performance was you going, I have to read it a certain way because that's what was making me spiral. I was like, oh, if this was written in a cadence, I would be able to get it.

Like if you read it a different way, that rocked. That really broke my brain. Aaron, there's only one thing to do because JPC and Luke are fighting We have to take this riddle to Yeah, sorry, this is a bad system, sorry this is really As is gonna be a quick case I am both he's the judge Yeah, sorry. This is a bad. Sorry. This is really bad. And I'm the one who types it all down! This is gonna be a quick case.

I am both the judge and the plaintiff in this case. He's also the jury. You're gonna hate this. What is this? America? Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Alright, Mr. Foreman. Uh, Mr. Foreman, do you have a verdict? Yes, yes, yes.

Not you. You're the stenographer. I'm both, I announced you, doesn't the Foreman announce the judge? That's the bailiff. Ah, the bailiff. I'm the character Eric Foreman from That 70s Show. The character, not the guy. Or is the guy good?

No, that's Tover Grace, he's fine. Most of them aren't anymore. Luke is the defendant and the defense. That's Tover Grace. He's fine. Most of them aren't anymore. Yeah, there's something that aren't. Luke is the defendant and the defense. Luke, you have to defend your riddle to judge JPC and jury JPC, or you get murdered. Okay, that makes sense.

The purpose of any good riddle, Judge, Your Honor, in my estimation and in the eyes of the law is to have fun. Gibbity gibbity gibbity huh? I have to agree with the foreman of the jury here. Which is that you agree so hard that you gibbity gibbity huh at me? Yeah.

This is unprecedented, but he makes a compelling point. A riddle fun I'm an I and did you have fun with the way I read it, but you are thin ice you are on thin ice Yes, we had fun The prosecution would like to say that a riddle is nothing without an answer You're the bailiff the stenographer and the and the prosecution? You're eight things too! There's only three of us! I feel like I'm one of them! I'm judge and defendant! You're judge and jury!

I'm jury too? I'm somehow on the jury too? Dog bursts into the courtroom, slams open a door. Stop! Don't do the electric chair! Stop everything! The governor is called! Oh, is this the wrong... Do you... what room do you think this is? This is the wrong is called. Oh, is this the wrong? What room do you think this is? This is the wrong, yeah.

I am so, so sorry. We hear an electric chair go next door. We don't know if that was the same thing. Could have been a different room. Yeah, that might have been a really big bug hitting a zapper. No, now, there's a radio shack next door. It could have just been someone sitting

in one of those nice electric radio shack chairs. How do you know the quality of a riddle if it doesn't even have an answer? Oh, that's a great riddle. She posed a riddle. She posed a riddle. How do you know? That's a good point.

That's a good point. Speak on that. That sounds like a riddle. Yeah, I'm gonna read my notes. It's sort of all I had. And we slowly panned back and realized that this is the second season of Tooby's Jury Duty. And they tried to cram way too much into it.

Yeah, the next season of Tooby's Jury Duty is that all of them are actors and they think someone isn't an actor, but they're all actors. There is no one who's not in on it. But they are unaware. That would actually kind of be great. Casey said, holy shit, ha ha ha ha, that would be amazing.

And same. All right, Casey. It wasn't 2B, it was. Free V. Free V, thank you, thank you. Free V. 2B, Free V, 3V. Quibi.

That was in the pamphlet Common Sense. Patrick, what's his name? Thomas Payne. Thomas Payne, thank you so much. In the pamphlet Common Sense, he wrote, give me liberty, give me death. And then he said, do be freebie is everythingy. Everythingy.

They didn't know I said Thomas Payne, though, because I was eating too much peanut butter. Yeah, you were thinking Patrick Henry, give me liberty or give me quibi. Small bites. Give me tiny sniffables. I do think that we should do, replace like one, two, three, four, five with like, okay,

so it's like two B, free B, quibi. This is like insane television persons counting to 10. It sounds like the guy in Fat Albert. Icelandic. Yeah. Yeah, the Icelandic guy in Fat Albert. Yeah, it's just. Icelandic Fat Albert. Icelandic guy who plays the washboard in Fat Albert's band.

This is why it's good to have new blood on the show every once in a while, because we haven't come up with something that awesome in a minute. I do like... You know how they do Sesame Street in different countries? It's like Peruvian Sesame Street. I would love it if it was every show. And they just had Icelandic fan out there. Casey says there's Mubi too, which I think- Mubi? Casey, I think Mubi is like a porn thing.

That can be five, that can be six. I think that's from, whatchamacallit? Jane's Hot Bob. Yeah, Jane's Hot Bob, Mubi. Mubi is the, they're like McDonald's thing. Wait, wait, Casey, do you mean the thing that Maria Menounos does before the movies oh the movie time movie time movie time what a kid says to a babysitter it's movie time and we're

watching Antichrist I don't know this is just I've seen youtubers advertise it you've seen youtubers advertise movie I think. Is it movie or maybe it's movie? Yeah, movie is something, Casey. Casey, movie is like TV shows, but they're long. It's like three episodes of a TV show. I do wanna see a scene. I have to see a scene where Luke Knoll is a babysitter and JBC and Aaron, you're the kids,

and this is a babysitter showing, what's that director's name, Milos? No, who did Antichrist the same guy did like dog-tooth and everything, right? Oh Lars von Trier large bit Yes, yes, which there's that movie. We're breaking the sound we're breaking the waves. This is gonna go well There's a movie large bunch or a dude works like a woman What's the scene? He can't remove the director or the movie anyway? A woman believes that God is telling her to cheat on her husband or something anyway This is a babysitter showing the kids he's babysitting in an appropriate movie, right? Hey, what's up you guys? It's me your babysitter Luke no, I'm playing

Doing my best you guys hopefully you liked dinner. Did you guys kids like dinner? It was french fries you found in your car Yeah, but they're not all from the same place So that's part of the place like it and now one of them was an Arby there was one Arby in there Arby That's another one Yeah, normally like our parents I try to give us like vegetables and like protein and stuff for dinner too well, I were technically french fries are protein and stuff for dinner too. Well, technically French fries are protein, and one of those was a meat fry, was a chicken fry. I knew it.

I felt crazy. Now, you kids are, I mean, what time's bedtime? You guys got like what, two hours before you gotta conk out? No, bedtime's nine, and it's like 1 p.m. It's 10.30, we're up way too late. Oh yeah, it's 10.30, We're up way too late. Oh, yeah, it's 1030. We're up way too late this sucks I have to show you a movie legally Okay, mate, we're really liking Moana right now if you want to watch Moana with us. We don't got it

Copies of I didn't I'm not signed in on this smart TV. It's our TV. It's our TV. I only have the one hard-copy disc I brought. And my own Blu-ray player. He's got one of those 2000 CD booklets in it. It's completely full. With one DVD in it. There's one DVD.

Yeah, there's other stuff in here, but that's just for me. Okay. There's prize. So all of these look like they're burned DVDs. Are these like bootlegs? These are... I have a guy who all you have to do is you mail... He has a PO box. You mail him a request of what you want, and he'll put... He'll mail you his number and you call his number and he'll come to your house when he's not on house arrest.

Sounds pretty seedy, Luke. I don't know if he should be hanging out with a character like this. I actually never met him. It sounds like a bad old Netflix. How old are you kids? I'm 16 and my sister's 14 14. Why the fuck am I watching a 16 year old? Why are you sitting a 16 year old? What's wrong? What's your deal? I don't think anyone called you like our parents are

What There's two kids sort of sitting you like our parents are asleep upstairs what yeah there's next door and there's two kids sort of sitting at their dining room table panicking they're starving we opened the door because we were very big fans of one specific season of Saturday Night Live and we're like which one we love Finesse Mitchell oh he's a great guy. Whatever his season was. We'd love to see this movie though. Yeah, I guess we could see the movie if it's as open as that's allowed. So in order to watch this movie,

it is technically the third in a trilogy, but I'm gonna catch you guys up on it by just letting you know that at this point in the story, we know God is dead. So number two ends with God, played by Willem Dafoe, passing away. OK, and so what you're about to see is one continuous shot. So this is one long tracking shot, which is, and you're gonna love this. It's Tofer Grace.

When you say it's one long tracking shot, do you mean the movie, or do you mean the guy who's recording the cam of the movie in the theater? It seems like he's running around trying to avoid maybe being tackled by movie theater security. Yeah, he's actively dodging two Paul Blart mall cop kind of guys as he videotapes a bootleg. I have motion sickness. This is really hard to watch.

It is hard to watch, but in an emotional way. Is the guy who's filming it also humming Yakity Sax? Because it seems like he's like- No that's a play, that's part of the movie. Scene, scene. And if you watch any Laura's Fond Triller, it always opens with Benny Hill. That's so funny. I love the idea of the two kids next door panicking at the dining room table.

Oh man. Oh no. Casey says, Mubi is a streaming service, but they also produce the substance. I like that Casey's still on Mubi. I like that we've gone off Mubi, but Casey's like, let me unpack Mubi sleep. In my defense, I typed that,

but you guys started the scene, and I didn't want to interrupt. No, I'm just playing. That's very courteous. The substance did rock. In my defense I typed that but you guys started the scene That's very courteous the substance did rock did you guys see the substance oh, yeah, I was too scared too scared Yeah, my wife did not want to see it. She said not for me bonkers bonkers I had to look away for maybe 20 minutes of movie because there's so much needle stuff in it There is a lot of needle stuff There is a lot of needle stuff. A lot of needle stuff. I heard the performances were really good. Yeah, I heard similar, but body horror

is just not my cup of mooby. The sound effects are like Tim and Eric, the same person that did the sound effects for Tim and Eric, like any time they're like eating shrimp or anything, it's all very like a cartoon, like 10 out of 10 level like. It's like Red and St cartoon, like 10 out of 10 level. Like, It's like Ren and Stimpy when they would like

do an extreme close up and be like, I hated that. I hated that. And show like the boogers on the nostril hairs and stuff. It's like a gross up. They call that a gross up. Holy shit. That's a good one.

Whoa. Mr. Hollywood, I'm ready for my gross up. I'm ready for my gross up, Lorne. And they go, you were fired years ago. Well, Luke, it's that time of the episode where we have to fire one person and we always fire the guest. But before we let you go,

what do you have to plug? What do you have to promote? What do you got going on? Oh my goodness gracious, depending on when this comes out, I am actually releasing a stand-up special that came out today, the day of recording, which means, but right now is that sweet spot of, right now it's only available for the real ones, the people that want to, it's like 10 bucks or whatever, who want to pay for it. It will be out on YouTube with 800 Pound Gorilla

on the 25th of March. Whoa. That's like next week. Next week it comes out for real, for real. But where can people go if they want to like buy it? Oh boy, oh boy. You could check me out on any of the social media apps that are putting a wormhole in your brain, I'm on there,

and I'm gonna be hawkingin' this special big time. It's also available on 800-pound gorilla's website, but if you follow, I'm Luke Knoll and all the different fangs, and I'm gonna have the link in there. Oh my goodness gracious. I got Wayne Brady improvising a tune with me at the end. Damn, that's amazing.

So sick. You filmed this in LA, right? I filmed it in LA. I have a Tupac hologram. I go all out. I go all out. What venue did you film it? I really do.

I have a hologram of myself. Say again? What venue did you film it at? I filmed it at the venue Dynasty Typewriter, which I believe you guys have done a live show there. It's our favorite. Yes, we love it. It's the best.

Dynasty Typewriter 10 out of 10 popcorn, love the Dinah Pop. Oh yeah. Mm-hmm. Best green room in the world, I would say. Honestly, best green room in the world. Perfect, Luke. Best green room. Without spoiling too much of it,

do you think that we get you playing the guitar in this comedy special? There is a non-zero percent chance that I play guitar almost pretty much the whole time. And Luke, you're on Spotify as well? It'll be on Spotify as well. It's out there. It's everywhere.

I love it. Speaking of out there, Aaron, you're fucking nuts. What are you talking about? That was awesome. I would say check out the Hay Riddle Riddle Patreon, patreon.com slash Hay Riddle Riddle. JPC, your guided meditations are still on there. Those are very funny if you want to check those out.

You can still purchase those too. JOI, are you still doing JOI? Oh, jerk off incessantly? No, we were told to stop by the police. Oh, oh, oh. Where you explain step by step how to do it, because some people are like, you know. What's funny is I didn't know what JOI stood for,

but instinctively I knew it had to be jerk off. Like it had to have that in it. You guys are friends? There's a Venn diagram of how the brains work, for sure. That's true. We talk often. Yeah. Adil, do you have anything to plug?

Yes. Coming up this, I want to say it's going to be like the end of November leading into December for the holidays. I am releasing my JOI to the world jerk-off instructions. These are going to be holiday themed jerk-off instructions. No matter what you celebrate, whatever holidays celebrate on December 25th exactly it will be we stand an inclusive King we're men of what you're plumbing whatever you've got going on down there Adel's gonna tell you how to get it off with some holiday cheer I have no idea how to do it around the holidays normal style I do know how to do it around the holidays. Normal style, I do know how to do it.

So hook up for Joy. You use peppermint, I guess? I don't know. JOY to the world, JOY, Drukhoff instructions. Also, $10 for Luke Knoll's new album. That is one, if you think about it, that is 1.15th of a ornament. So, unbelievably good price.

Way more value good price value. By Luke no a delightful human in a hilarious human as well JPC do you have anything to plug or promote. Oh yeah one thing I would definitely like to plug or promote Aaron and I we just got back a week week or so ago from the Joko Cruz we a wonderful time, and we recorded a review crew for our $8 tier on our Patreon reviewing a specific thing that we all did together on the Joko Cruise. But if you are looking for our thoughts and feelings about that, head over to patreon.com. So Shae Vernau-Virdal will join the review crew for $8 a month.

And listen to that episode that will come out probably later this month. Yeah, later this month. Joko, Jack of Cruise out. Yeah. this month Joko jack off cruise out. Yeah Casey Toney to the editing! And our grandparents in the music! Booko created by Emily Cardemus and Emily Napores! One, two, three, four, hey, RIDDLE RIDDLE! Hey there ragdolls and hummingbirds, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a superhero audition. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalogue at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial

or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!