Hey Riddle Riddle - #365: BeaverPeltFinder.com

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

We're still recording in person and still slaphappy as hell!ALSO! Get your tickets to see us in person heyriddleriddle.com/live and/or (great tv show!) consider buying a livestream ticket to watch our August 1st L.A. show from the comfort of your own home no matter where you live!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLESee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the Grandview's shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat.

Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series. Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Okay, Erin, I'm gonna say a word and you respond with whatever word comes to mind. Candy. Candy. Book. Book. Book. Sharp.

Sharp. Okay, JPC, I'm gonna say some words I want you to respond. I'm gonna save you time, man. It's gonna be beaver pelt. I'm gonna save you time. I'm gonna save us all a lot of money. It's gonna be beaver pelt. Okay, because that's all I'm thinking about nowadays. And the results are in. in Aaron you are a INFP JPC you are a

LOL 420 abomination BFF fly laughs Interesting Wow, I think this thing really works. You see I gotta know your personality breakdown What do you know if you're what your myers? 50% beaver, 50% pelt. There's a sale on Beaver Peltz and it's happening in a store near you.

Hi, we're Hey Riddle Riddle. We're two normals, whatever this is. Go to BeaverPeltfinder.com. Don't go, wait, hold on, don't go there. Go to BeaverPeltfinder.com. Put in your zip code. Do not go there. And your address and your cat's birthday Is that the Buffy's theme song?

I think we gotta give you personality quizzes. I want to know your IQ. Didn't we do this? Didn't we do this on a previously on? We did some patrons, I think where it was like which sex in the city are you? Which friends cast me? Which sex in the city are you? I, uh, Friends cast member? Which sex in the city are you? I'm the reboot. Yeah, of course. I'm an NYFB, I believe. What was it?

NYFB? N-O-Y. No, no, you fucking... None of your fucking business, Erin. Fucking business? None of your fucking business. I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. I know your wife. I have your wife's phone number.

Need I remind you? How do you know that? Well, I guess Beverly Shoe-Badoo has her phone number. Shoe-Badoo, Shoe-Badoo, BeaverPeltFighter.com. No. Um, Adol. Yes?

We're still in person. I know. I know. Can you believe it? We're still having fun. I can, but it's weird. We're still having fun, and you're still the one. I can, but it's weird. You're still the one. We're still having fun and you're still the one.

We harmonized. Did we? I don't know. I'm in the works to sell beaverpeltfinder.com to Zillow so that you can find Beaver Pelt while you're finding a home as well. Smart. I don't, I think I would double check to see if my home was on there so I know not to buy that home But I think that's the only thing I would use for your website for if you ever have clicked accept when a software updates

Your home is on beaver No, I bought all the data for $1. I Went to $1 data calm. I typed in beaverpeltfinder.com into $1data.com to buy the Beaver Pelt Finder website. And now I'm using it. New tuck twister unlocked. Erin, you've been in LA for a few years. JPC has gone what I call URL crazy.

Mm-hmm. You find all the URLs. He started a business called gomommy.com. Can that be like a play on girl crazy? Like I've gotten URL crazy, like girl minus the G crazy. Like instead of TRL crazy. Or like boys were crazy for Carson Daly. They loved Carson Daly and they still do.

Do they? They grew up. Now it's women who love Carson Daly. Wow. WWCD. It's time to put aside childish things. I'm a woman and I love Carson Daly. Anyway, since we're in person, you'll be able to hear

when I slap JPC right across the face. Ooh. It won't just be a sound effect that Casey adds and posts. It will not be a sound effect that Casey adds and posts. It'll be a real slap. And it'll sound distinctly different from when I slap a brand new beaver pelt. On the table? If I find out that you're being sponsored by big beaver pelts I'm gonna freak. No these aren't a big beaver pelt. These are modest sized beaver pelts.

Are you sick of being advertised beaver pelts that don't even fit because they're too big because they've come from big dead beavers? I know a fact about beavers. Interesting. I know a fact about their teeth. Oh. Their teeth grow 25 feet in a lifetime but since they're constantly chewing on things that make their teeth go down. Damn. There's one that doesn't chew anything but he doesn't want to come out. No but he also everyone's always like that smile. Wow, wow, wow. Like he's on stilts. He's always holding open a big book in front of his face

and they're like, no, come on. Hollywood, do you have this beaver's number? Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. That's a lot of teeth. Isn't that crazy? I know a factoid, which is that beaver, I wanna say anal glands, are used in a lot of flavoring.

Dr. Pepper, yeah. in a lot of flavoring. A lot of beverage flavoring comes from beaver anus. Don't fuck with me. I'm gullible. Well, he's not wrong about that. It's like... That flavor of Gatorade, I believe. That flavor of Gatorade has beaver anus in it.

You want to see me throw up blood? This is your apartment. You're going to clean up blood all over your apartment, idiot. If you look at the ingredients on something and it says like natural flavors, like derived from natural flavors, beaver anus is one of those natural flavors. And this harkens back to Lewis and Clark.

Oh God. So when Lewis and Clark were on their sort of expeditions exploring the Louisiana perches, one of them accidentally talking to beaver's asshole and they were like, oh my God. Back for a second. Imagine being the first guy who's like, hell of an aftertaste, but if we could solve.

There's lines forming. If we could solve the aftertaste problem. We're all waiting our turn. There's something to it. Water, sugar, citric acid, salt, calcium lactate, natural flavor. Yeah, Aaron read that again chloride but as Vincent and off real for men in black. Oh I don't know how to do that. Water, water, sugar. Oh there you go. I'm scared. Can you be the guy that tastes a beaver's

asshole and it's like tastes like vanilla and he's like, whoa everybody, you gotta try beaver asshole. And people are like, no way. And he's like, try it, try it, try it. And then they do try it and they're like, it tastes like asshole. And he's like, huh? And then he like looks at the beaver he tasted and he's like, sees it like munching on a vanilla root

and he's like, nah. You tricked me, come on. The beaver smoking a cigarette? Yeah. He's like, ah, well. I thought cum tasted like pineapple. Okay, the second we get- Like the schnozberry, it tastes like schnozberry.

The second we get back in person, we get fucking disgusting, is what I'm learning now. Yes, at all. Previously, you mentioned you were gonna slap JPC, and I need to warn you, again, you've been in LA for two years. I'll get all the diseases. You're gonna get all the diseases, trust me. And also, he's sort of like a shadow of Colossus,

where you slap him and you're like, that didn't do anything, and you slap him again, that didn't do anything, you backhand him, you're like, something's going on. You have to find his weakness. You have to kind of poke and prod. What's your Achilles heel? Oh, you mean like slap?

I thought we were talking about slapping me, which is subtle licking ass play. Huh. Oh. Huh. Yeah, exactly like that. A subtle lick. What's your Achilles heel, JPC? How can we hurt you?

Ummm...I guess you could kill my family. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Wait, this might be evidence in court. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Wait this might be evidence in court. Also this feels like a trick. This feels like. This is Huck Finn with the fucking paint.

We set him free. Yeah. Where he's like, oh don't kill my family. Wow I just got one to do this today and it's kill my family. This is Huck Finn with the paint. And then we, we do, someone does that and he's like I'm like, I'm gonna do this today and it's killed my family, but... This is Huck Finn with the paint. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then we do... Someone does that and he's like, I'm free and he does the thing where he jumps in the air and kicks his heels together.

That's so fucking funny. Uh, yeah, I know. Move to the next town. You know, people deal with trauma in different ways. There's gotta be a part of me. I am a silver lining guy, so I think that there probably would be a small part of me where if Aaron did kill my whole family, where I'd be like, well, I kind of know I get to do whatever, like...

Think of all the video games you can play. Yeah, and would have to, honestly. To not think about the other thing. I'm almost 100% certain you one time said, I hope my house burns down, because then I can just buy all new stuff. Yeah, that would be nice. I'm pretty sure you said that once.

Yeah, I'm more sentimental, I would say, about my family than I am about my house. How much more? Uh... But still to say I hope my house burns down. Uh... Well, so I can buy all new stuff. I have insurance problems.

Riddle, riddles, lateral thinking problem. We are Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey, this is Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a podcast in two acts. In the first act, we do 10 minutes of bullshit and then some riddles. I'm JPC, that's Erin Keefe. And that's Adel Shokirafai.

Are you guys happy to see me in person? I sort of came in and everyone sort of went, hey. Erin came in, she said, you just walked on the train, you said, I stink or I smell gross. I smell bad, yeah. You said I- I smell. Okay, you smell. I said I stink or I smell gross. I smell bad, yeah. You said, I smell. Okay, you smell.

I said, you stink or you smell gross. Those were maybe not picture perfect. Right, no, but I do, but I did stink and I do smell gross. And then she immediately went in for a hug. She said, I stink, and then immediately went in for the hug. What's that? It was like a warning.

It's like when you're feeding a child and you go, here comes the airplane. You don't say, here comes the airplane, and then you don't put a spoon near them. Spoon is not an airplane, spoon is a spoon. Erin also went to give us a hug and said, here comes the airplane. And then she smashed into my larynx.

Yeah, your larynx, not your larynx. Larynx. Yeah, which is a small cat. Yeah. Bobcat. Rawr. Same thing. Erin, I was thrilled to see you. Here's the thing.

Was. You have to understand. It is, we got here at like 9.45 a.m. I am used to waking up at 9.50 a.m. Oh, right. Rolling out of bed, akin to falling, crawling on my hands and knees into my studio and starting an episode.

Yeah, moaning, screaming in agony. To get up at 8.30 to shower, to put on real clothes, to... I'm sorry we did this to you. I know. Thank you. I sent Adela a text at about 8.50 and I said, we're trying to be here by 10. We're gonna get coffee and stuff for people.

And I said, pick you up at 9.20. And part of me was like, you know that scene in Good Will Hunting when he's like, every day I show up and I hope that you're not. I was like, I hope he is still sleeping. But then when he answered and he's like, 9.20 sounds great. I was like a little bit disappointed, you know?

Well, one day you'll see me in Paris at a cafe, it'll be like the end of the third Batman, and I'll raise my cup of coffee to you. It's a different than Africa. And you'll be dating. It'll be 7 a.m. And halfway. You're an early riser, you've changed so much.

Yeah. See, I would rather, Adel, you feel familiar than for you to evolve in any sort of way. I want you to sort of stay the same, so I find comfort in that. I don't want you to sort of change in any sort of way. Thank you. Yeah. Of course, I love you!

Yeah, I love you. I love you. No, I don't believe that at all. I woke up at... But I do think that's how my sisters feel about me. They want me to be the same person I was when I was 11. Oh, that's sad. Well, they just assume.

But for you, Aaron, 11 was objectively better. Yeah. I was 11. Oh, that's sad. Well, they just assume. But for you, Aaron, 11 was objectively better. Yeah. I was very wise. Aaron, three things, three differences between an 11-year-old Aaron and nowadays Aaron. One. Blonde hair. One. Yeah, okay. Way less confidence now.

Sure. And... Math, I mean, you were... I knew way more math. Was this before you electrocuted yourself and lost your math And I would have been post never mind. That was I think third grade would have been third or fourth grade I was in the same classroom both those years. So I don't know which one it was I don't we've asked you this what's the sign you made when you were electrocuted was it like

The outlet sounds like there's another error in the outlet world I I literally felt a pop guys in the left part of my brain Sounds like you got sucked into the outlet. Probably nothing. Sounds like there's another era of the outlet world. I literally felt a pop, guys, in the left part of my brain. It literally felt like a burst, like literally right here. I don't know. I wonder if you can feel your brain burst. I didn't think you could. It's a sensation I have not had before or since.

It felt like a little pop. It wasn't like right at the top of it. It was like a little pop. It wasn't like right at the top of it. It was like a little waves in. And that episode was the first episode that Molly's boyfriend Jimmy listened to. And he was like, uh oh. Did you feel like a trickle, like a gusher got popped in your head or something?

Like did you feel it? No, I didn't feel any like, there wasn't, other than feeling a little like I had a headache and felt a little woozy, there wasn't any sensation post that. But it felt, it literally, that's the only way I can describe it. I felt it go from my finger all the way up my right arm,

like neck, and then pop. And it popped. Do you think that your brain is like a boat where it starts to stink and they're like, flood chambers three, four, and five, and they were going over the non-essential chambers and they're like, we can lose math and boyfriend's names. Yeah.

And we, and then we have like, Aaron can't do it, and she thinks his name is Zorp. And that's where we are now. They're like, let's flood cereal jingles. And Aaron's like, no, not cereal jingles. No, no, no, please, anything else. Yeah, whatever it took was the most important part. Because I really did feel like, in my brain,

it was different after. No, the most important part, that's subjective, Aaron. I think that you are the Aaron before us now, so we have kept the most important part, that's subjective, Aaron. I think that, you know, you are the Aaron before us now, so we have kept the most important part. The most important part of you remains. Mm-hmm. Very funny. Um, well, here's what's not funny,

is that we simply must do riddles. I'm ready. I love doing riddles. It's like one of my favorite jobs. A man appears in hundreds of family photos. He's not closely related to anyone else in the photo and almost all the families don't even know his name. Clippy. Nevertheless they still keep the photos in frames and scrapbooks. He is not hidden in any way and it is in fact the central element of these photos.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring ting tingling. Addle this man. That's right it Billy Holliday. This man is the Slender Man. He's in all your photos. Uh-huh. Me and the Slender Man. Armor out of his shoulder. You went to summer camp with the Slender Man. With the Slender Man. Yeah, his name's Greg.

Solid dude. Isn't he a man? Back then, he was just Svelte man, right? He gets a bad rap because he told three kids to go kill somebody with hammers or whatever. But he's a solid dude. Yeah. He go kill somebody with hammers or whatever but he's a solid dude yeah he never killed nobody with hammers he was at my wedding um santi claus erin you're correct it's santa claus specifically a mall santa just because we say we nobody knows his name yeah I'd like to see a scene yeah

um Adel you are a mall Santa, and JPC is a kid that has been here at least four or five times this season, and you think enough is enough. Ho, ho, ho! Come on up. Not on my lap, but we have a little side chair. Do you remember me?

I remember all boys and girls. Okay. What did I ask for last time? Oh, you! What do you think you asked for last time? Probably a chai, Joe? I know what I asked for last time. And I know the closet where my parents keep the presents and it's not there.

Okay. Was it a... So I've been body shaming my dad all day to get him to come back to the mall to buy a new suit. He pans over to the dad and the dad's looking at his reflection and sort of pulling at his clothes because they all of a sudden feel like they fit wrong. Because he didn't want to bring me back here to do Santa again, but now I am back here. Oh, you're an intense little boy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I am. Okay. You're the same guy, right? Santa's always Santa. You smell like Paul Maul's and old whiskey Paul Maul's you think I spoke Paul balls I don't know what your your dude your dudes pulling in

350 a day for malls and ting and you think I smoked Paul Maul's 350 a day. Oh, yeah Okay, well then the tail the moms. Do you know how many single moms? Yeah. Okay, well then you should- And the tail? The moms? Do you know how many single moms- Hey man. Wanna come sit on Santa's lap?

It pans to a mom and she's adjusting her clothes, but sort of in like a confident, I can't wait to see him kind of way. Hey man, the next two words out of your mouth better be switch to and then for you, Jeffrey. So that's five words, okay? I wanna switch to. Oh, I have two words for you. Get fucked! Oh, I'm gonna get fucked. Oh yeah?

Maybe I can pay Mrs. Claus a visit. Oh, oh yeah? You think we're together? Yeah. Well, I don't know. You think I'm with her? I haven't really learned your mythology. She doesn't leave the house. She's a hermit. How could I hurt you? We haven't slept in the same room in 400 years.

Maybe I go out to the parking lot. Oh find one of your reindeer Oh cook him up and eat him you're gonna eat and cook a Toyota Tercell because that's what I came to run You think I have reindeer you just told me then make a model of your car dumbass sold them for me sold the deers for me Hold on. All right. Is that a threat? Yeah, it's a a threat is that a threat if I don't get hey Toby hey Toby ho ho ho yeah what's up hey I gotta get threatened me you know it's to make a model like her you fucked my mom last night so yes you're on your own well that bonds us right I told you dude we were getting a beer you're asking Don't tell anyone about that. How old's Toby? Seventeen.

Well. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho boy, ho ho ho boy. Ho ho ho ho boy. He wasn't sexual, he was just buying a beer. Don't say it's not sexual. Don't say it's not sexual. I think it's the beer thing. I don't think Toby- Well, we don't even-

We shared a bag of beer, we don't even we And then he fucked my mom, oh there's nothing Toby nobody's nobody saying that there's anything wrong with that and real quick a lot of kids ask I had nothing to do with those Christmas time Kevin Spacey videos. You know what he dressed up like the guy from You know how I talk up like the guy from, you know how every Christmas- Why do you talk about this so much? I'm sorry, I didn't. I'm sorry, I didn't. You talk about it a lot for someone who didn't.

I associate it with you because you talk about it so much. Who? Who? Don't look it up. You gave a kid, okay, you gave a kid beer. You pull $3.50 a week. That means in two weeks you can buy me a Switch package. Switch two, Switch two.

Well, no, because they're all at a stop. Get that get a switch to our I tell everybody about the beer and the mom That's I got to bite on like Makari for like 675 steal it motherfucker you drive a nice car. She drives a toy of herself I don't know if you know anything about cars Toby, but that's not a nice car. That's a car They have it made in 30 years Does they got it right the first time? No my mom fuck you car. That's a car they haven't made in 30 years. Why did- Cause they got it right the first time. No reason. What if my mom fuck you, man?

You're a loser. She's a woman with agency, Toby. I mean, nobody forced her to fuck. Well, don't say that. I say nobody did. Listen, I'm gonna head out. No, your ship just started. No, you can't.

You can't. You can't smoke here. Everyone, hey kids, everyone gets what they want. You can't just say I'm gonna head out. Let's do a big group photo. Let's do a big group one. All the kids are sort of adjusting their clothes with the group photo. Try to be nice. I've been getting to work on all these motherfuckers in line.

I know exactly how. All the kids are going like this. Oh, no, see. You didn't want to live in that another 40 minutes at all? I mean, I could've. That's 17. Aaron's saying 17. Completely fucked at all.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.? I mean, I could've. 17th, Aaron saying 17th. Completely fucked, Adol.

Sorry, Adol. It's fake, though, so that's good. It's fake. Oh, you shouldn't have to say that, please. Boy, here's our next riddle. Yes, please. A man spills his coffee while working. He is fired on the spot,

though nothing was stained and no technology was damaged. Oh, no technology was damaged. I was gonna say NASA. Oh, like he spills it on the control board? Yeah. And then I also, maybe I was like, or he's one of those guys who restores paintings. Ooh.

But you ruined it at the end. You ruined it by saying no technology. Yeah. The coffee was, he's a barista. He's a barista. And the coffee was for a very important person. That. The coffee was, he's a barista. He's a barista. And the coffee was for a very important person. That's a good guess, but not correct.

Is he a flight attendant and he spilled the coffee on the President of the United States of America? It's Air Force One. The President of the United States of America. Ah! No, but I do like that. I'm in, I'm in. I do wanna see the scene.

Fuck. Fuck. Aaron, you are, Aaron, you are, of course, our 50 like that. I do want to see the scene. Fuck. Fuck. Aaron, you are, of course, our 50th president. Great. You are on Air Force One, and JPC, you are a flight attendant working, this is your first time working Air Force One. So I'm the hawk to a girl? Yeah.

Well, we've already said. No, no, no. I'll be a different kind of person. And JPC, you're a flight attendant, first day working on Air Force One. Great. Uh, yeah, I think we should wait till we're back in the Situation Room to talk about that. But if we can... Very good, sir.

Seatbelts! Kidding! Kidding, it's Air Force One, do what you want. I'm Nick. I'm gonna be taking care of you today. Ow, ow, my arm, my arm! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

You're in the way of the cart. The cart's got all the beverages. Hey, I'm Nick. If this is your first time flying with us. I'm so sorry. You're in the way of the cart. Cart's got all the beverages. Hey, I'm Nick. If this is your first time flying with us. I'm kidding. God, I'm kidding. Um, but seriously though, seat belts for when we take off and as soon as we get in the air, you can do whatever you want. Nick, are you wearing a Spice Girls t-shirt?

That's not the uniform. This is a Spice Girls t-shirt, yes. This was in the lost and found on the plane today because my clothes got sucked into the engine. Oh, I was drying them because I had spilled all kinds of water on them. So I was drying them. They fixed the engine after that happened, right? You told someone? You can suck anything into these engines. These are the madam president, you're in good hands because you can suck anything into these engines. But somebody checked out the engines after. Madam president, yes, of course. We're gonna want to land on into these somebody checked out the engines after madam president. Yes, of course

Someone has checked out the engines seat belts very good, ma'am. I didn't get your name. I'm secretary defense Logan Paul I am Nick. It is so nice to meet you Nick. You smell so much like gasoline and axe body spray It is overwhelming. I think that was on this t-shirt. I actually Logan I think this might be one of yours Mr. Paul. Thank you so much. Madam Secretary. No I'm. Oh no Secretary's gonna be Ben. Nick. Yes ma'am. Sounds like you're pretty nervous and I try to be patient with people. Thank you so much because I'm brand new. This is my first day. What is your official title here on Air Force One? I am the Secretary of Defense. Oh, no I just heard that one from somewhere else. Yeah, I mean Mr. Paul, yeah, Madam Secretary, it's not me. I am a booth. Don't say Stuart is Nick. Don't say Stuart is oh Boy, and now I've lost what I am

He's sort of taking out a stewardess, but new old times they They called me stewardess New artist, but madam president if you need to Suck me fuck me do whatever you need to you can because I don't tell I don't talk great flight attendant. I am Seatbelts kidding that word flight attendant. That's what I am And I can attend to every need. Maybe go to the press part of the plane. They sort of have a more traditional flight.

Maybe get them some snacks. I was actually told I had to leave the part of the plane where you can press things that might alter the plane. Because I was in there. What's that? The cockpit. Ma'am, uh, Phoenix just blew up Phoenix. OK.

I can cockpit you. I can sock pit you. I can do whatever you want. I can put the whole pit in my mouth. I can suck it dry do whatever you want. I can't put the whole pit in my mouth I can suck it dry. No, it's all can't say this to me. It's the president of the United States You can't say this type of thing. Okay, weak, but I can do it all and I won't and again Hey, I want you to go talk. I've been told it's gratis. Oh get you don't pay For anything on this plan. I don't I'm the president you want ginger ale. I don't want anything from you

I want you to go to a different area. Oh my god ginger ale. She's on my shirt That's ginger spice, and that's what you'd like. No, so it's like a Christmas candy Okay, so let me get this right Logan Paul. You want a sprite you want a ginger candy In order madam president, and then you both want to pit me shit me skip me Double-dig it. Yeah. Yeah, okay, all right open up the And then you both went to pit me, shit me, skip me, double-dit me? You know what? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to open up the... Here, and we're going to... More! More! More! More! Seen. More.

Seen. More. More. More. Seen, seen, seen, seen, seed. My food is 13 minutes away. I can't. I can't. I can't.

Erin, unbelievably blase about Phoenix being blown up by France. Well, I mean, if Phoenix is great, France is great. Everybody forgets that France has nukes, but France has nukes. France has nukes. Bonjour, bonjou, baguette bonjou. We have a nuker, France has nukes. Bonjour, bonjour, baguette bonjour.

We have a nuclear bomb. A man spills his coffee while working. He is fired on the spot, though nothing was stained and no technology was damaged. Nothing was stained, he works at a coffee shop. We were close about him spilling someone's import. Like it's someone else's coffee. No, it's his coffee.

But maybe all is not as it seems. He was gonna consume this coffee. Yes, he was going to and probably has been, we'll say. He's a coffee doctor. Oh, he was trying to pretend that he was in space and when the gravity, when the coffee didn't float, they went, he's not in space. Oh. Excuse me?

One small sip for mankind. Yeah, we gotta bring back Dead Stop. One big gulp. You guys have been letting me loose for too long. From 7-Eleven. I'm Neil Armstrong for 7-Eleven. A big gulp of coffee. 72 ounces of hot coffee in a plastic cup.

Yeah, they're eating the 7-Eleven brand candy and a hot dog. This is his coffee he was intending to ingest it. Yes. And he's been drinking it. He's been drinking it and who knows how long this little ruse has been going on, but we'll say maybe one of his superiors

noticed something and then was like, you're gone. Is he on the set of a Hollywood movie? And continuity. No, those cups are empty. Those cups are empty. Is this something about the cup? But he's got coffee and continuity. No, those cups are empty. Those cups are empty. Is it something about the cup? But he's got coffee in him. No, no.

Can I tell you something guys? I get so excited when I'm watching a movie in a TV show and I see someone drinking real coffee from a cup. I get so excited. It might not be real coffee, but real liquid from a cup. Real liquid. A liquid with weight to it. It's so annoying when it's empty and they-

Gilmore Girls, they have just empty coffee mugs. It's empty liquid. A liquid with weight to it. It's so annoying when it's empty and they- Feel more girls, they have just empty coffee mugs. It's empty coffee and like, oh God, people, I know it's not like your job is like acting, you're supposed to be emoting to the other person, but if you're just doing like silly jerk off motions with an empty cup in your hand, it's like, come on. Well, GBC, let's see if it translates to audio. Say a line and don't hold anything,

and then say a line and hold your coffee or your water. Okay. To see if people can hear the difference. And you can say anything you want. Okay. Madam President, there's been an attack on Phoenix. The French are invading. Okay, so that's, we're not telling you

which one is which yet, and now do the other version of it. Madam President, there's a... He's jerking off. He's drinking jerk off motion. Aaron, he's drinking coffee. I hate him. Oh my God, Aaron. Adol, there's... He's jerking it off. He's drinking jerk off motion. Aaron, he's drinking coffee. I hate him. Oh, my God, Aaron.

Addle, I hate him. Huh? What if France blew up the band Phoenix? Who are French? Whoa. An attack on their own. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Litsamania. Litsamania, yes. Litsamania, 1901. That's a good band. Yeah, I love that.

That's a great album. What happened to them? Wolfgang Amadeus Feats. I saw them a couple years ago. Oh yeah, how they doing? Okay, I think they opened for Beck. Do it, do it, do it. Okay, so this is a man, he's spilling his coffee.

Aaron, what kind of men drink coffee, but it's not spilling on He's not supposed to be drinking coffee He can drink coffee, but I think you're I think you're drinking hot coffee. He had drink cold coffee He can drink whatever temperature, but there's probably something else going on with this coffee Is it spike yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, like the alcohol in it. Is it spiked coffee? Yes, yes, yes. It's spiked. Yep, that's it. There's alcohol in it. How can you tell? So he spilled the coffee. The smell?

Someone could smell the booze and they fired him. Where was he working? Let's say... If I drink coffee with booze in it, can you not smell the booze on my breath? Do you only smell coffee? You would still smell the booze, right? Also, what booze do you mix with coffee?

Oh, I guess Bailey's. Yeah, Bailey's, yeah. Or whiskey, people put whiskey in their coffee too. Whiskey and coffee? I mean, guess Bailey's. Yeah, Bailey's, yeah. Or whiskey, people put whiskey in their coffee too. Whiskey and coffee? It's, yeah, I mean, they do it. I don't know. Huh. Erin, if you love drinking,

you'll kind of put liquor in anything. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I've had, it's been... Wait, I want to say... It's been many years since I've had a drink of the old alcohol, but I've had like, I mean,

I guess Irish coffee is Bailey's, but I've had like sp I mean, I guess Irish coffee is Bailey's, but I've had like spiked coffee, I'm not sure if there's a way to say, coffee with alcohol in it. Yeah. Nasty stuff. Oh, it's just like espresso martini is that. Yeah.

Kind of. It's probably look forward. It's not that. It's probably coffee look forward. Yeah, it's different. Let's take it to the espresso martini at nine in the morning and people are like, cup of coffee?

They're like, yeah. I'd like to see a scene. Adil, you are an astronaut in space and you are checking in with Houston. And JPC, you're the guy at the computer and you are clearly drunk. And so Adil, you're getting a little nervous. Houston, this is Calypso 48.

We are orbiting Venus. We're seeing some anomalies Sorry you're breaking up can you repeat that Houston I can see you your eyes are closed. You got one of those airplane pillows on your neck. There's probably a delay for Venus. So you can see me from where I slept last night, but tomorrow night is a new night. I'm wide awake.

Houston, again, I think we're having some audio issues. It sounds like you're doing some sort of slamboater or something. You're slurring your- This evening at my station, Jeff said, I have to go to the bathroom, covering five minutes. So I'm covering for Jeff, but Who was that for a different craft in space?

This is clip so 48 for Nate so engage Oh, no our landing gear just came out. We are being thrown off. Oh, no. We're being thrown off course Okay, we're going towards the Sun Please tell my wife I love her tell Mike tell Tommy that tell my No you talk go ahead tell the commies my wife talk Please don't tell my wife mummy cummies. Please.

Tell your wife. Tell the American people. No. My wife. Tell my wife I love her. Tell my kids. Nipso 41 was mummy cummie tummy mummy. Oh please.

And they blew up in the sun. Is this recording? Does this get recorded? Oh yeah. Cause I can't have... Do you want to sing? No. Please sing a song to the people. Please sing a song to the earth. Please don't tell my wife mommy cummies okay Okay, Calypso for the new I'm trying to track you in location. Seems to be closer to the sun.

Hello! So rude. Rude. Rude. That's ridiculous. Do you think we should go back to Tacuchise? I too much think to go to Tacuchise with me at a nice time. And I got the keys.

And I got a little kid puppet cause I won't let you in without a puppet as a kid. Three days later. Did my Husband have any last words? He did Sorry, we didn't know how full of the American flag. We did our best We should bunch it up in a ball. We'd bunch it up in a ball and that's not American flag. Where's the pride flag? He said mommy come blow up in space Still drunk on a bender, on a Chuck E. Cheese bender. Yeah.

I mean, it's the summer. What? I'm not going to go to Chuck E. Cheese bender? It's the fucking summer, and I'm not going to go to Chuck E. Cheese and have a fucking espresso martini. Well, summers are known for their breaks, so why don't we take a quick summer break?

Whoa. Good transition. School's in session. We'll be right back. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Oh, Adol, I just heard from Erin. So, I heard from Erin, I heard a news story that referenced Erin.

Apparently, it wasn't the thing thing that she was going on. It was an escape from New York thing. Oh, Snake Pilsen. Snake Pilsen, Pilsen, Pilsen, Snake Pilsen. So it was an escape from New York in a South Side Chicago neighborhood. It was Snake Pilsen. Oh, sorry, can I get a Snake Pilsener?

Very good, sir. Well, anyway, so the good news is, she still? Very good, sir. Well, anyway, the good news is, she still got to meet Kurt Russell, so that's pretty cool. You know what? I'm not even freaking out because I met a celebrity the other day, Kurt Russell, because schedule 35 is removing the stigma around drugs,

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I'm just at the table behind you. Okay, dude. That I have to, dude, mind your business. Because it's about to be on like Donkey Kong. Okay, for everybody except the guy at the table behind us, get 15% off with code ridIDDLE at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use code RIDDLE. Except you, sir. You don't get to use the code.

And, of course, ConkeyDong. That man's eating with ConkeyDong. Ho ho! Schedule35.co! This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey guys, I'm opening a new summer camp and I'm trying to create a website for it. Any advice? Oh yeah, I would say Nude Summer Camp would probably not be a good call because I just think that... Oh sorry, I said New Summer Camp. Well, new or old, I think people want to wear clothes at summer camp Aaron. Addle? Yeah I think nude works pretty

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Oh, I love the blur out options. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase everything you want to showcase. Your expertise maybe engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even Aaron, monetize your content by adding a paywall. Although you know, you want them to sort of direct deposit because you don't have pants. I can't stress you enough, this is a normal summer camp. Well sure, being nude is normal.

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And Erin, they have all new dot camp still available. Okay. Erin, so let loose, celebrate in your birthday suit, and go to squarespace.com slash Riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Hey Squarespace the only website that you can use while naked. No, no Guys give me a second. I am I got a write a love letter to my mattress

Erin and mattress sitting in the bed. S-L-E-E-P-I-N-G. Oh, that was elegant. No, I just, I've been in Chicago so long and I miss my Helix mattress. My Midnight Lux. Do you think it's thinking about me? I know I'm thinking about my mattress and I wasn't listening to what you were saying.

Sorry guys, I didn't hear what you were saying. I was thinking about my Midnight Lux mattress, the most comfortable mattress by Helix Sleep I've ever owned. Aaron, if I were to be able to feel empathy, I would feel empathy for you in that you can't sleep on a Midnight Lux mattress, which Adel and I both also own and both are sleeping on and we would invite you to sleep on ours.

Me can I? But our wives. Our wives and my cats. Oh, you've still you to sleep on ours. Me can I? But our wives. Our wives and my cats. Oh, you still got those despite your both, your everything about Bookaboo? Yeah, our everything, our wives need those spots for their, what do they do? Wives. Wives. They wife all over the mattress.

I had such a bad mattress before my helix sleep and I could not believe how much the helix sleep improved. Yeah. Like my pain when I woke up and my quality of sleep. I love it so much. Oh, and I'll say, you know, I'm a bit of a night owl. I have trouble falling asleep, but anytime I crawl into my cool, crisp midnight lux,

I fall asleep immediately, have the best nights, deep sleep of my life, and all my cats, all four of my cats, sleep on the bed with me. And it's still comfortable. It's big enough and comfortable enough for everybody to partake. And what a joy it is to just have those little rascals around. Aaron, I know you're just venting,

and you don't necessarily want me to solve this for you. Yeah, don't. But I will say that Helix Sleep is having a Fourth of July sale right now. This is their best of web offer. It's 27% offsite wide, and it's exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the Fourth of July sale. It's 27% off site-wide and it's exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle.

All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash Riddle for the 4th of July sale. That's helixsleep.com slash Riddle for 27% off site-wide. And make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know that we sent you. That's helixsleep.com slash Riddle. Aaron Keefe, I'm Uncle Sleep and I want you to enjoy a Helix Sleep mattress. Who is this guy? I'm Uncle Sleep. He's with you?

He just said he was Uncle Sleep. Okay, I'll have a- Pillow for a hat? Come on. I love it. Ho ho ho. And we're back, kids kids and everything's fine. Everything's okay.

Thanks for the beer Santa. No, root beer you mean? No. Come to mean root beer. You handed us a bunch of Bud Light. No. And you said it tastes like piss but have at it. I dev, ah boy.

And then you fucked their moms. I, well that, hold on. My mom's 17. No. What are we doing? Why would you say that? In England. In England.

So she's 80. And you're a friend. Oh, like stones versus pounds? Something like that, Santa. Well, she was pretty stones when you bowed to her. No, don't. Come on. Boo!

Come on. What are you going to do to that? You're going gonna tell me? No, it's perfect. Tell me stuff about it. I'm just jealous. I'm lashing out because I'm jealous. Oh, Santa's not gonna do any more crowd work.

But I am gonna do some more riddles. Here we go. Yes. In the midnight, in the midnight. In the midnight. In the midnight hour? It kinda, with a rebel yell. Thank you. It kinda does feel like the midnight hour,

because we're peeked behind the curtain. It's very hot, so we turned all the lights off in the studio. And there's just one single candle on the table. It feels like a special little occasion. Erin, why don't you blow out that candle? Make a wish. That's good audio. That's good audio.

When was the last time you guys blew out a candle on a cake? Like, when was the last time you guys surfed? Probably my birthday? That's good audio. That's good audio. When was the last time you guys blew out a candle on a cake to me? Like, when was the last time you served? Probably my birthday? For your birthday, you served a candle with a cake on a candle? I don't think so.

Probably the last time I ruined a kid's birthday. Yeah, for sure. Where I like beat you to it. There is an improviser, and I don't know if you want me to name her, but she has birthday candles in her purse. And at a bar or whatever, if it's anyone's birthday,

or they're celebrating something special or milestone, she'll light it and then someone can blow out a candle. She got a pack of singles or does she have like a big red four and a big red light? Yeah, yeah. Hoping that all of her friends are turning 40. She did, when I went through a breakup, she was like, we should celebrate.

And then she had the candle on. She popped out the candles, that's pretty cool. That's a nice move. It was a lovely thing. And like, I kept the candle and I was like, this is actually quite lovely. This should be a thing that humans do. Yeah.

Yeah, I like that. I haven't blown out candles. Well, that's not true. My grandma had a 90th birthday party that I recently went to. 90 candles? I know, it was a fucking lot. And I said, this better be your last one.

This better be your... Did her hair catch on fire? No, I think it was like a nine and a zero. They thought about doing the 90 candles thing, but of course, it's just too much. Top player cake would be wax. I helped blown out and I was like, this is fun. Why don't I do this?

Cause I don't think I've, I don't, first of all, I eat cake. It's not like my ass ain't eating cake. For your birthday this year, you're turning 37? God all I eat cake. It's not like my ass ain't eating cake your birthday this year. You're turning 37 God, I hope so. Um, you you should try to get 37 37 candles That's a fun amount of candles to me. Well, there are 37 days in December. So what if I just do a candle a day? Am I fucking freaking out right now there's 37 days ever Fine, I'll turn 31.

Every Hanukkah I'll come home at night and I'll be like, ooh. And Jim was like, no, the menorah. I thought this was. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Every Hanukkah I come home at night. Just blowing in her face. Ooh. Ooh. In the midnight, a man suddenly clapped himself on the face. Then got up and crazily clapped his hands until he got blood on his palm. Then he went back to sleep. What's going on?

He's killing a mosquito. He's killing tiny vampires. I'd like to see a scene. Um, Adol, you are a guy, um, in the summer who has slept with his window open, and JPC, you're a mosquito, and he goes to kill you and you're offended And like don't understand why he would do that

I'm sorry, who is that? Excuse you that the mosquito talking some mosquito talking what? Yes, the mosquito talking? It's the mosquito talking. What the fuck? Yes, the mosquito talking. Well, you just better kill me. Uh... Oh, so you're a murderer. No. No. I just walked into a house of a murderer. No. Well, you flew into a house.

I walked. Oh. I flew up to the window, but I walked across the threshold. I thought you were gonna bite me, don't you guys bite? I was g- Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. I was going to bite you.

Take a little bit of your blood, because I needed it to survive. You were gonna keep all of your blood. But I guess what you were gonna do was murder me for that? So my life would end. No, I... Your life would be mildly...inconvenient. No, no, no. Okay, no.

Are you sure? Well, hold on. I'm not the bad guy here. This is my house. You broke into my house. Oh, did I break in or do we have different conceptions of what personal property is? Because mosquitoes are communal people. Oh, what's communal people? Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take a little bit of your blood to live, but I'm sure you don't do that to anyone else.

You don't eat chicken or beef or pork or- Honey, what do you mean you're gonna go live with mosquitoes because they have it all figured out? I shaved my head, I sold all our possessions, and I'm gonna go live with mosquitoes cuz they have it all figured out I shaved my head I saw all our possessions and I'm gonna go live with the mosquitoes. Yeah, yeah babe, did you smoke That weed again the weed that got left in the hot hot car and kind of yeah I think it makes it more powerful more potent No, you're not gonna go live with mosquitoes on a commune somewhere. I have seen the way We need to be bloodless.

We hoard our blood, don't you understand? So much of nature needs our blood. Okay, then go. Just go then. That's fine. Go. Will you come with me and like, we'll get weird names like... No, I'm actually with someone. What? He's here. What the fuck? Hey, I mean if you weren't gonna use the house, I was gonna come in here and use the house.

You're gonna live... with the mosquitoes, which is objectively better. I thought you... you swayed me to come look at you. I bought him a nice suit. He's actually just got hired at your law firm, if you believe it. Can you pass the pork fried rice? Wait, what? I would love a little more pork fried rice.

Taylor Johnson and mosquitoes? Hey, we're trying to eat dinner. So, you can just pack and go. Yeah, we're trying to eat dinner. Wait, those are our wedding dishes. I thought I sold everything pack and go. Yeah, we're trying to eat dinner. Wait, those are our wedding dishes! I thought I sold everything! They're there for a special occasion. Yeah, you sold them online and I bought them at a good price.

He bought everything. Look around the house, it looks the same as it did. He bought everything. Do you... do you have a penis? Wow. See? Fuck whatever that was about to be. Yeah. You tell me, hey Bob Dylan, write a song about that.

Us being in person is making me go, are we at the beginning of an episode, the end of an episode, or in the middle of an episode? I can't tell. My internal clock is off. Here's another riddle. Great. There is a beloved Italian restaurant. Aaron, give us one of your famous Italian impressions. A bit. A bit, a bit.

That's not good. That's not good. I'm gonna get canceled. Canceled? It's spaghetti. It's spaghetti. How dare you do that? That's my people's voice. It's spaghetti. How dare you do that? That's my people's voice.

It's spaghetti. I can say it, I got an Italian dog. There's a beloved Italian restaurant with excellent reviews. However, one day a lot of people dining at this restaurant became sick, although all the meals were in order and prepared as usual.

In order, What happened? Common monoxide poisoning. This is World War II. Common monoxide. Common monoxide. This is World War II. The meals were at the restaurants belonging to one Mussolini in France. This was COVID.

Wow, Erin, that's a, that's. Wasn't one of the first place where it really popped was Italy. Yeah. It was like Italy, New York City. Yeah. Wuhan, Italy. Wuhan and Milan.

Yeah, Milan. Okay, so all the orders are made to order. What was the additional information? Is an Italian restaurant an important part of this? Not necessarily. It doesn't really matter. Everybody got sick? Not everyone, it says a lot of people.

And you were, the COVID response was along the right lines. Everyone gets like a cold from each other. One of the waiters had a cold and came into work anyway. Was this 20, I wanna say 2011, when everyone was like, I'm gluten intolerant. That's it. Oh. The answer is, it was that year where everyone was like,

I am suddenly gluten intolerant, but there's no such thing as gluten intolerant. Aaron's staring daggers at me. It's celiac, it's celiac. I did get my autoimmune thing under control and now I do eat bread from time to time. Whoa, how is that? It's crazy.

It does make me feel like sick, but the same way like, every food makes me sick, you know? Yeah, but like I think bread kind of does make everyone sick. I just don't think we were ever meant to eat as much bread as we eat, you know? And it's a catch-22, because my autoimmune stuff is gonna come back if I eat too much bread or do too much gluten, so I have to,

it has to be like a once in a while special occasion thing. Rolls aren't bread, right? They're bread. Rolls? Erin, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Erin. You didn't hear rolls. Rolls are bread. Rolls are bread? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Erin, you didn't hear rolls. Rolls are bread. Rolls are bread?

Sorry, I'm talking about R-O-L-L-S, like when you cut open a roll and you put butter on it. Yeah, for like a dinner roll. Sorry, Erin, you're- That's bread. Let me pull up a picture. Yeah, she's not getting it. I don't think you're understanding. She's not getting it, she's not getting it. Erin, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, Oh, rolls. Yeah, those are gluten.

No, they're rolls. We're doing something differently. That must be wrong. There's a beloved Italian restaurant with excellent reviews. Oh, wait, just give us a hint. This restaurant is in, not an unusual place, but in a hyper-specific place. Like an airport. Time square. Not time square, airports closer.

Like an airport. Bus station. Train stations closer. Bus station. To keep thinking about transportation. It's an Italian restaurant on a... A cruise ship, they are seasick. It's on a cruise ship, they're all seasick.

Okay, well I just, this is a solo character that I want to see everybody do, and it's seasick Italian waiter. Okay. Aaron, do you want to start? And Casey, you have to do it as well. Casey, you don't have to do it. Aaron, you start, you start.

He doesn't have a mic. Yeah, but he'll do it like one word from far away. Okay, you start, Aaron. Oh no, you start. No, no, Aaron, I must insist you start. No, at all, you start. I'll break the tie. Aaron, you start.

JPC, you start. Aaron, the floor is yours. Seasick Italian waiter. Okay. Aaron, the floor is yours. Seasick, Italian winner. Okay. We have a few specials. We have a linguine. Sorry, we have a linguine. A linguine.

And a nice minestrone. A nice minestrone. And for dessert, we have a Mastachola. Wait, why is Mastachola a dessert? Perfect. Hey. He did a perfect job. That was good.

Can I, it started you out, it was number one. Why? Why? Why? And again, this is Italian waiters in Mario Kart's hitting a banana peel. Yeah. That's what I said! That's what I fucking said!

Okay Oh, oh! I'm so happy I called in sick of her work So I don't have to go to work sick and get anyone else sick Okay, what's on TV? Oh, pornography Why are you seasick in your apartment was that nothing for never be talking back to me I don't hate it I don't hate it now to love a porn I'll just pour myself another cup of coffee. In case he just one word from you, anything? Bored myself another cup of coffee. Mastachoni. What is Mastachoni?

Wait a minute, can you drink a Mastachoni? In case he has a floor? My guy had to come in for JPC who called off. So this is a spinoff impression. Yeah. Okay. That was my one word. Yay! I thought he was gonna lose the Eddie on spaghetti

cause he threw up, but he got it. He got it, he finished it. And the Italian Oscar goes to Casey Toney. Roberta Bellini for crying in his seat. For barfing Bellini. Roberta Bellini stands on the seats. A boo hoo. We got that one.

Yeah. Wait, what? Oh yes we did. It was a seasick on a cruise. Did you, did either of you guys get Sea Sick on the JOKO? No, the first year I did. Oh, I got a little Sea Sick. No, I got Sea Sick this time.

Okay. I did get Sea Sick. I always thought I might, but I never did. Yeah. Which was nice. On the Hey River, the River live show day, I was so Sea Sick. Yeah, I think you told me that you

I threw up in your mouth. Yeah. Erin, you were with me, we were on the top deck, back deck, something like that, and we were all having fun playing games, we were with a group of people, and then it hit me like a sniper shot, where I was laughing, having fun,

and then I slowly got up, and Aaron was like, are you okay? And I'm like, I have to go. It hit me so hard. We played Essences, and that was so fun. We haven't played that on Here in a Riddle. That would be so fun. Casey, you would have to be on the episode for,

it really only works with four plus people. GPC would find a way to really curse the game, but I feel like that's just part of the ecosystem. And around here. Da, da, da. Laura is restrained all night long, with her hands pinned to her sides, and cries out occasionally,

while someone watches her on a video camera She's an animal. No one is alarmed and Laura is happy in the morning. Why should Bobcat in a sack? She's a bad guy in the sack not a penguin. Is she an animal? She's not an animal Animals speaking of penguin. I know why should I meet one while I'm here? Are you do you have free dates? Yeah, I'll give you my free date. Is she in a sleep study? Real quick, Erin, I was gonna text you about it, but I had also texted you last week and you never responded.

I feel like I got it. Oh, cause I'm trying to figure out if I can do the thing you asked me to do. I still don't know if I can do it. I'm still waiting and hearing back about a timing thing. So is Adam. Adam's also still waiting to hear back. In fact, he's heard nothing.

You cannot gang up against me. You two don't like each other the same amount as you don't like me So you guys being a team in any sort of way makes no fuck, but if it is equal Loyalties at this table, but sure but so why can't I like? Fine I'm a like not love on Casey Or you know what actually I think on all four of you myself included. I'm a like not love on Casey. Oh yeah, I said like. Or you know what, actually I think on all four of you, myself included, I'm a love not like.

I'm a love not like on everybody at this table. No Casey, I also like you. I think I would hang out with you outside of this. I drive you insane though, and I don't love that. Yeah I think that she would also hang out with you outside of this Casey, in a world where you could hang out with someone who doesn't answer text messages like what would that were interesting stuff you show? You show up you show up at errors there. There's like we're hanging out now. You're like, okay I just didn't be thought beam. I didn't know that you wilder

I'm you want me to send you some wild text Erin. No, okay Erin Erin Erin run a check her body can't catch. They called me Jean in the group chat because I'm fucking Wilder in there. Throws my phone like a frisbee. Erin, let's just have a moment of silence for Jean Wilder. Jean Wilder. RIP Erin, RIP. You didn't deserve that. RIP. One of the greats Erin. Gone too soon! Cancer, Erin, cancer. He was great. He was great on Will and Grace. Did you know he was on Will and Grace?

Yes, dated Gilda Ratner. Married? Married to Gilda Ratner. That's a really cute couple. Whoa, do you think that they got married before they dated? Arranged marriage? What if it was an arranged marriage? What are you guys going to arrange marry me? What if it was an arranged marriage? She was dating Martin Short and he married her. What are you guys gonna arrange marry me? What's my dowry?

Ugh. We'll let the guy kick the shit out of both of us. No, you pay him. Oh yeah, I guess someone would want to do that. Your dowry was two rack of ribs, a Claire's boutique gift card. Raccoon ribs, I'm not paying for top shelf ribs. This is gonna be raccoon ribs.

They didn't specify. Raccoon ribs and a Claire's. Raccoon ribs are more expensive. And a Claire's boutique gift card, $50. I can go outside right now and in 15 minutes I'll have two racks of. So a teen can pierce your ears? Yes. That's the only person I would trust

with something like that. That's the only person I trust with needles. Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her side. Is she an animal? Is she an animal? No. She cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera. No one is alarmed. Not an animal. Sleep study. No. She cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera.

No one is alarmed. Not an animal. And Laura is happy in the morning. Sleep study. Oh, is she an actor? Is this like a movie that they're doing? And this is a, they're doing day for night on a movie set. This is Saw, this is the behind the scenes Saw Five.

Not an animal, but animal- Do you think they joke around on the Saw set? What'd you say? Do you think they joke around on the saw set? What'd you say? Do you think they joke around on the saw set? I think they have to. You do? For levity? You think they call cut and someone's like,

oh, that just happened? Nah, that's not really a joke, is it? Yeah, everyone always say shooting a horror movie doesn't feel scary, is what people say. Is that what they say? That's good, because it shouldn't, right? But you want the fear from the actors, right? I think Carrie Elwes set the tone for the first one.

Yeah. And he's so charming. He's just so charming. Erin, one to 10, Carrie Elway set the tone for the first one. Yeah, and he's so charming He's just so charming Aaron wouldn't attend Carrie Elway's Ten yeah, nine What about Mandy Patinkin? What about under the giant what about Wallace Shawn? To on Wallace Shawn Inconceivable. Inconsiderate. Inconsiderate.

Inconsiderate. You guys, see that Patreon episode where we talked about Fuck, Mary, Kill, TV shows, movies, and video games. I've had that conversation with literally everybody in my life, and I have really been emphasizing that I think you can't, video games is a whole other thing, but I think movies, where they're at right now, is what happened to book in theaters when movies came out.

I think movies, I think your golden era is behind you for right now. I think you're a great medium for storytelling, but I think we're in the golden era of television as like a paintbrush and a medium. But then I remember Princess Bride exists and then I go, well, fuck me, there's no TV show that's as good as Princess Bride.

I think the golden era of movies ended somewhere in like the mid-80s. I think that's when movies ended. But I think that for a while, and I'll take TV off the table, the era of prestige TV, I think has come to an end. I think it's about, I think where we're cusping. I think Andor was the last of the prestige.

Severance. Fargo. Fargo, Severance. Are they still, is Fargo still happening? Maybe. I don't think so. I, uh, I... Fleabag. That was recent.

Your Honor, Fleabag? Second season of Fleabag is... Andor season two was the latest of any of these things that you guys are mentioning. I think that, and I just said that Andor season two is them latest of any of these things that you guys are mentioning. I know, but I'm saying. I think that, and I just said that Andor season two is them shutting the door on Prestige TV. I don't think so. I don't think the money's there.

All the streamers have cut all of their budgets. They're not putting any money into it anymore. I think, I, look, I think we are in the age of TV slop. I think there's going to be so much TV slop. But I don't think you're going to get very many, like, big group shots with lots of extras in them. I think that that thing in Andor season two was the last of it. I think we are, I could be wrong,

and I think that there's a tail end where it's a slow trickle, but I think the era of prestige TV is behind us, and I think that we are entering into the golden age of... Video games. No, slop, slop TV. I think we're still in a TV age, era, I think it's just the age of slop has, this is the T2 rise of the slop sheets. I still think we're in that TV time.

I think it's another two or three years of that. And then I think we're gonna be in the video game. Video games have been really booming and become great storytellers. But I think like how you love a theater, what's the theater where you're immersive theater. I think that like stories that what's the theater where you're? Immersive theater.

Immersive theater. I think that stories that you are folded into are gonna be the next big thing. Like college VR or also live experiences of that. I think that that is gonna be the next chunk. I think you're right because movie stars were movie stars. And then came the era of Sopranos, and maybe not Sopranos, but when they started getting

film actors starring in TV roles, that was a big deal. True Detective was maybe the first instance of that with Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, because The Wire and Sopranos and stuff was mostly like- Still TV people. They were still kind of unknowns. Yeah, or they were British theater actors. But when with True Detective season one,

film actors went to TV and they felt comfortable and they had great success. So I do think maybe the next move is like, you know, Al Pacino is the voice of like, some of like Mario in a new Mario game or something. Yeah, that you like experience. Like, yeah. Al Pacino, the voice, Al Pacino,

91-year-old Al Pacino. Yahoo! I'm gonna win. Luigi! Luigi's got a great ass! Well, that's got legs. I go to save that princess. Is that a warp whistle? Aaron, do Al Pacino saying warp whistle.

Is that a warp whistle? Hoorah! Koopa! Koopa! Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her sides and cries out occasionally while someone watches her on Oh, she's a fucking baby Aaron. She's a fucking Swaddled they call that swaddled nowadays Laura is a baby who is swaddled. Her mother's watching her on a baby monitor. She cries out a few times during the night.

She goes back to sleep all as well. Being swaddled does seem quite nice. Every time I've swallowed a baby. Swallowed? Every time I've eaten a baby, I unhinge my jaw and eat whole. Okay, Kronos, what's going on over here? Every time I've swaddled one, I've gone,

well, that looks really relaxing. Yeah. Just to be like. Just to remind me of being in the room. I should get a sleep sack. Just to remind me of being in the womb. A sleeping bag, you mean? Oh my God. Is that what I mean?

I get a weighted blanket. Weighted blankets are kind of like big kid sleep sacks, right? Yeah. They're like kind of pressed down on you. Those feel so good for a second. I like when someone lays directly on top of me, just like presses down on me.

Yeah. But weighted blankets, I like them for the first couple of minutes and then I get anxious. Yeah, I get claustrophobic. For some people, well, they help with the anxiety. They're good for some types of anxiety because they can be like this constant pressure on you. For me, unfortunately, I run so hot

that I'm like always kicking shit off of me in the night in a well-a-way to blanket stops that I can't kick it off of me. I do wake up kind of in a puddle of my own like, you know I'm just like struggling against my bonds all night and I bench press in bed so that when I get tired I just fall asleep and I have the weight of the bar on me. Yeah 999 1000 counting reps. Yeah, and Jim was like, you started counting at 998? No. I was going to say he's counting backwards.

Yeah. From a thousand. No. It's just the part. Yeah. Okay. A baby named Laura? Come on. Come on. Laura is an accountant or a real estate agent and nothing else.

We're meeting up with my real estate agent Laura later. She's actually like a complicated complex person Yes, of course. She has a full life. She's great. She's also my real estate agent. Good. Good What do you you're meeting with her here? No, I this is I'm doing a bit. This is a joke from Erin I cannot afford a hair. I'll never have a house. What's the funny part about the joke? Is the joke that you can never afford a house? I guess that's part of it. It's quite funny. No, Laura, I just think sounds like a real estate agent name.

Yeah. Maybe I'm crazy? No. What the fuck did I just do? Energy dip. No, no, no, no, no. I think Laura, bad name. Laura, Carol, these are all real estate agent names.

Daphne. Yes. Denise, Italian last name. There you go. My name. Denise, Italian last name. There you go. My name is Denise, Italian last name. And I'm here to get you a new house. Biggest hair in real estate.

One of my favorite bits of all time was from, did you watch What We Do in the Shadows, the TV show? Yes, of course. When they're interviewing Nandor, and they're like, what's your last name? And he goes, De Rilentlis. And they go, I'm here with Nandor De Laurentiis. And I'm like, that is amazing.

And it's like season four or something, where someone sat on that for four years. I know, it's so funny when a name joke comes in, like four seasons in, you're like, God! I was right there. Did that just come to you one day? Holy shit. John, different John, John goes to the same woman

every day for advice. He trusts her implicitly and always follows her directions. Magic eight ball. Um... Grok. It is Grok. Lady Grok. Grok has become woke, though.

Yeah, Grok is woke. Boo! But John has no intention of ever meeting her, and he never asks her about herself. What's stopping him from developing a more meaningful relationship with her? She's a psychic, because she's a ghost, because she is a tarot deck. Erin, this is basically a psychic ghost

that is not far off. She's one of those like, She's a Ouija board. Those machines at the mall that you put the quarter in and she's like, ha you like? What machines? She's a Zortan. Oh. She's crystals, she's...

She's crystals. She's crystals. She laid it. She's E-Chain. She's... You're right that she's not a real person, but this is, let me go back to a certain line. Okay.

John goes to the same woman every day for advice, he trusts her implicitly, and always follows her direction. Oh, she's... Paula Deen's cookbook. Like Siri. Oh, she's... Oh, she's... Paula Deen's cookbook. Oh, she's... John goes to the same woman every day for advice. He trusts her implicitly and always follows her directions. Oh, she's... Paula Deen's cookbook. Like Siri or like...

Ten sticks of butter, that can't be right. Like the one being like, turn left on... Yeah, yeah, yes. Erin, what's that called? Google Map voice. Siri, Alexa. Personal assistant? GPS. GPS.

GPS. Which stands for Gina Personal Service. Why is the default robot voice ladies? What's the psychology behind that? The movie Her. Is it like, yeah, is it people like men not like wanting another guy to tell them what to do? Probably.

Yeah, probably. There's probably some studies of like, when a guy's like turn left, it's like no, I don't think so Yeah, I got it. But if a woman says it you're like, okay milady. Yeah He's cute. Probably I do want to see a scene Erin you are driving you're in a new town great and JPC you are the GPS and your You're trying to help her out.

Go type in ice cream shop. Here we go. I've never been here. Oh, okay. I don't know how to get to the ice cream shop. I've never been here. I'm not from here. Oh, wait, okay.

I'm from the town you're from. Well, this is strange. This must be just like, let me check my settings on location. No, it's updated. So it knows that we're in Cincinnati, okay? Um, yeah, just find it on a map and then let me know where to go. I don't need a map. I know where I'm going.

Oh my god. I know where I'm going. I don't need a map. No, I mean, sure, maybe you just said that you are from the same place I'm from. Cities on a grid. Yeah, but we've never been here before, right? But cities on a grid. So, I know where I'm going.

GPS? GPS. Let's just drive. I'll find it. The last time you did this, I ended up literally in a lake. And then you said, if I was a better driver, this would have never happened. Wayman drivers. Mark, there you are.

I've been trying to get a hold of you. Your son wants to talk to you. Oh boy. Mark, you need to see your son. Hold on, Gina. Let me deal with this. Okay. No, go with her.

Well, we don't- I'll find my own. We don't have to go anywhere because we're computer. All right, I'm gonna just sort of Google how to get there and then write down the instructions. Don't use Google, we'll answer. Yeah, we'll answer. I know Google. Okay, how do you get- I can get just sort of Google how to get there and then write down the instruction. Don't use Google. We'll answer. Yeah, we'll answer. I know Google. Okay, how do you get... I can get it faster than Google.

To Cincinnati's ice cream shop. Just keep going. Practice. That's a good joke. Just keep driving. I'll sort this thing out with my son. No, I'm going to get to your absence. But by the way, I want a test. What do you mean?

I want a paternity test. What do you mean? I want to know if he's my son. I didn't quite hear that. Oh, you heard it. You heard what I said. There! There! Ice cream store! No, no. That's not an ice cream store.

Pull over! That's a elementary school. They have ice cream. If it's kids there, they'll have ice cream. No, I got this on my own. Let me talk to the guy. Let me talk to the guy. No, my god. Let me talk to the guy.

No, no. Lower your window. Fine. Hey, what's going on? You have ice cream? Is there ice cream inside? There, we have for the kids. We need to buy some ice cream. Well, if you just go down 48. Show. Hey, we don't want direction. Yes we do. Where do I go? Just down here take a left down 48. Show. Hey, we don't want directions. Yes we do. Where do I go? Just down here, take a left on 48. Keep your eyes on me, pal. We're having a conversation.

Who am I looking at? Give him money. Just hand him $40 from your purse. My ex-husband got electrocuted and put into this car. Got electrocuted. I'm not saying it right. I'm gonna go help the kids. Yeah, you should. She drew a sexy picture on a wall outlet

and then went out of town for a weekend. I got electrocuted. He fucked the wall. Speed's up. Let's see. I have been reading. This is a little dark and sad, but something to think about.

You know how all the documentaries about the Stockton Rush, is that his name? The guy who blew up the, was in the submersible? You know how all the documentaries about the Stockton Rush, is that his name? The guy who blew up the, was in the submersible. Oh, yes. The Burner. Yes.

The amount of times people have died because men are so arrogant about their own intelligence is wild. Where women have been like, I think this is too steep of a cliff, and they're like, shut up, I'm brilliant. And then the woman dies too. That happens so much. It's crazy. This is what I'm saying that when you suggest stuff sometimes, guys, I should probably be pushing back on it.

I hope that when I die, James Cameron comes out and is like, I knew that guy was gonna fucking die. Eek, eek, eek. That would be the best. I would love, I would love if that got published. Just a throw away from Jim Cameron. Is that what James Cameron did? Yeah. He was like, I should have said something

because I knew that guy was fucking gonna die. Yeah. I think he even cautioned him against going down and... I don't think he did. Oh, did he not? I knew it. Should have said something. Because he's a big submersible guy. He's a huge submersible guy. Yeah. a huge submersible guy. For Titanic, yeah. And I think he's worked to make some of the technology

that makes that stuff happen. Like I'm not saying he's in the lab tinkering, but he's financed it and shit like that too. In those documentaries, and who knows if this is true, but one of the guy, the guy who did it, the billionaire, his best friend said that he kind of had a death wish to die down there. Like he was kind of hoping he would.

He like loved the lore of the Titanic and really romanticized it. Sure. And like called it the Titan submersible. Like he kind of wanted to be folded into the story. Hey, and he was folded in. Pfft. Erin?

It's funny to say that about him, but maybe not the other people who were in there. Yeah, there was like a 17 year old boy in there that didn't want to be there. Yeah, that's where we were all gonna have a lot of fun until that happened. Yeah, until that happened. And then it was not fun at all.

Kind of fun to see that that guy got folded in, but pretty harder to think about how much fun it is to think about another person. Anyways, add a riddle or a little thing. How about we even do plugs or whatever? Yeah. Would we see that guy's now like Moana's grandma or whatever? Hers was a little bit more spiritual

Turned to the how my ass is my ass is a ball water and I see like the What's that? What's the animal that the grandma? Manta ray underneath my butt. I just like a folded up man. Remember the first time he's on that He cried so hard he appears to hold it up and I did Russian beers on my butt He's like am I beautiful I'm so proud of you Just like an Italian waiter Aaron anything to plug or promote. Oh, oh no. No, no, I'm okay. Okay. Oh Follow quality time the that's fun to do a variety show. I hosted Los Angeles. I'm I love it I'm really proud of it. So if you wanna check it out, it's on Instagram.

Hell yeah. I'm gonna plug and promote the Hey Riddle Riddle Tour. Go to heyriddleriddle.com slash live, check out whatever cities and dates we're going to, if there's tickets left, and also the Hello from the Magic Tavern Tour. We're just, Google Hello from the Magic Tavern Live, I guess.

I forget what our website is, but go there and check out some dates. JPC, anything to plug or promote? Hey, this is JPC cutting in from the future. Piggybacking on what Adil said, Portland, Oregon, Saturday, July 26th, and Seattle, Washington, Sunday, July 27th. There are still a few tickets left.

We just released some more tickets for those shows. So get them while they're hot, because they're going fast. And then our show in Los Angeles on Friday, August 1st. Still some tickets tickets for those shows so get a mother... hot because they're going fast and then are showing... Los Angeles on Friday August 1st I still some tickets... left for that plus our live stream and I just heard from... the venue the live stream tickets will be available up... to two weeks after the show ends and you will have that... long to watch the live stream so if you buy the live...

stream you can watch it for two weeks or if like a week... after the show you say hey I want to see that live stream stream you can still get it for two weeks after Friday August 1st But the live tickets there only for that night. All right now to you JPC Saturday nights at IO world news tonight. You can come and see that show every Saturday I'm there some Saturdays not every Saturday But I'm there some Saturdays or you can follow us on Instagram to see the cast lists that we post the week of the show. And I think that's it. Erin, I know you're probably going to say no,

but I've recently come into a little bit of money, $1 billion, and I am building a rocket ship. I'm going to use a GameCube controller to pilot the rocket ship. And it doesn't matter what planet we go to, I'm not picky about that. Jupiter! Great! I thought for sure he was gonna say, I came into money, I got kicked out of the bank. I can't go back to that bank? Something like that? Does that make sense, or?

Oh my god. I came into some money, I can never go back. And Casey cut out the music right here, and that's all just sort of sit in the silence before it comes back in? Alright, you can do it. What did you say about coming into money? Nothing. Hey there, crowds and pleasers, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Public Access TV. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or starting your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get your 7-day free trial, or the Review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there! That was a HateGum Podcast.