Hey Riddle Riddle - #366: Guess The Price of Water

Episode Date: July 23, 2025

We are still in person and still absolutely firing on all cylinders! If you've ever wanted to learn improv, this is the episode for you. And if you like this energy, then you're gonna love seeing us on tour!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLESee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I have a friend and his name's Addle. I have a friend and his name's Addle. I have a friend and his name's Addle. I have a friend and how about you? Uh, yeah. I have a friend named Addle too.dle. I have a friend and how about you? Yeah, I have a friend in metal too. Oh, I am at all. Oh my god. I'm a Addle and you have an animal. Oh, do you have a friend in metal? No, Aaron, do you have a friend in Marin? Yes. No. Oh, well, yes. I do have a friend in Marin Wow Aaron you dick somewhere. I know some errands, you know that not love hearing that

When I was doing a fun little clapping. John, do you have a friend named John? Yes. Name thing. Isn't it interesting? Don't get on me about yes anding. When you sank my bit to the bottom of the ocean on a yes and anchor. You asked me if I had a friendly metal, I didn't. I asked that if you had a friendly metal. Aaron, I wouldn't even say sank. I'd say like submersible exploded. Yeah. Exploded. I asked that off you for the battle Aaron. I wouldn't even say thank I'd say like submersible exploded. Yeah

Let's try a different I'm gonna try a different opening to see if Aaron's comedy body was Blown to dust in milliseconds. Is that what happened to them? Casey? Do you have any friends in Casey? Yeah. Well, okay, cool Wow, you know multiple Casey's that's pretty crazy. All right, here's my new opening Wow, you know multiple cases that's pretty crazy. All right. Here's my new opening Because there's a new Yankee candle smell it's called riddle. Do you want to smell it? No, there's not Can I give you some advice on improv area You Adolf sure This is like this is also like for for for children in a place as well

Don't ask do you want to do something? You know, like cuz that gives someone Addle, sure. No, thank you. This is also for children, it applies as well. Don't ask, do you want to do something? Cause that gives someone an opportunity to say no. What about Frozen? What about that song in Frozen? That's, don't you want to build a snowman? It's rhetorical. No, it's not.

All right, here's my new opening. New opening. Hey Addle, I just killed JPC. Do you want to help me bury the body? It's a question, again, it's a question. I think killed JPC. Do you want to help me bury the body? But it's a question. It's a question. I think I'm misunderstanding. Hey, I can't stand JPC anymore. Do you want to help me beat him up? Am I getting closer?

But it's the same problem, but it's the context that is different. All right. Let me OK. I got you know what? Here's what you do. Instead of saying open into, do you want to do this? Yes or no. Give him two different options. So do you want to do this or this? Okay? Okay? I don't do you want to shoot JPC into the hot hot Sun or have him explode at the bottom of the ocean see See well see in the ocean or they're the same right? Well. I'm giving you a note You would say see cuz Adels people are from the desert

JPC you started opening. I will, you go. You start, okay. You got it. This toy store's selling sex toys! See, can I give you some improv advice? Please. That was Santa, by the way. He was upset.

That wasn't C, that wasn't clear. Ocean, that wasn't clear. It sounds like he's besmirching a toy store to try and ruin them. Besmirch- B- Can I give you some improv advice? I'm such a good improv teacher. Can I give you some advice? Advice? Yes.

Yeah, okay. And Erin, you would say, do you want me to give you improv advice or do you want me to slap you in the face? Don't give me an option to say yes or no. You want to- I'm going to give you some improv advice. That's exactly correct.

Nice. When you start a scene, don't do an object-based initiation oceanine have whatever you are talking about Aaron oh shit Like whoa you look like shit today is a better example Whoa, you look like shit today Great way to start a scene Aaron. That's actually a great way to start a scene I think I've told this before,

but I was once told the worst scene initiation is fuck you, where are we? I know, and I love that. I could make that work. Okay, Erin, whenever you're ready. Oh, I say fuck you, where are we? Or you say it. Did you wanna try and make it work?

Yeah, but I can make it work if you send to me. Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes, okay. Hey Erin, would you like to fuck you, where are we? Wait, JBC, did I do that wrong? Can we start again? I mean the whole day. You have done nothing wrong. I wanna go home.

This whole time. I don't have done nothing wrong. That can't be right. That can't be right. This is Hey Riddle of Riddle. Now, here's the thing. No. It's a podcast about riddles,

but it's also about improv. And today's episode is kind of a behind the scenes peak, sneak peek at what it's like to improvise and kind of the way, the nuts and bolts of how we get it done. None of this is true. Erin. I'm about to sweater this episode. Erin, you have been in Chicago now for a week.

Sure. About a week. Do you miss it? Well, I've spent the whole time here in this hot, hot room dealing with your bullshit, so no. Isn't it crazy how we've recorded twice since we've been here? The first day was one of the hottest days

in Chicago this year. Then we took two days where we didn't here. The first day was one of the hottest days in Chicago this year. Then we took two days where we didn't record. The weather immediately dropped down. It was nice. It was livable. It was great outside. Now we're back recording again and it's as hot as hot could be. God hates our podcast?

I have a friend and her name's Erin. I have a friend and her name's Erin. I have a friend and her name's Erin. Hey, how about you? I have a friend. See, does that sound I have a friend and her name's Erin. Hey, how about you? I have a friend. Does that sound not fun at all? Doesn't that feel bad?

Is it a camp song? What is it? That must be something. I have a friend and her name's Erin. I've never heard this before. I have a friend and her name's you. I have a friend and her name's Erin. This isn't an improv warmup, is it?

I have a friend and her name's Erin. How about you? That probably is. It probably is? It sounds like something that is. Erin, how much do you miss Chicago? Well, I miss it so much. I would say 10 out of 10 miss it.

It's also, it's been hard because I've been back and I haven't really gotten to have any downtime. My days have been like packed morning till night and it's making me miss Chicago even more. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I should have said no to more things. So I could have actually gone and sat at some of my favorite places.

But it's so beautiful. This is by far the best city in the US. It has everything. Yeah. It's so beautiful. Everyone is so happy during the summer. It's, ugh, it's just the best energy. Now the industry here, as we all know in LA,

it's kind of drying up, you know? They're not making TV, they're not making movies anymore. We gotta get you back, we gotta get you back in Chicago. What's it gonna take? Put a number on the table. Think about how much fun you're having recording in person. So it's paper across the table at all, it's a drawing of my butt. That could be anyone's butt.

Could be anyone's butt. No, this is Aaron's butt. No, look, look. I know that butt anyway. I think, Aaron, I think people would love to see you back here in Chicago. Well, couple things I've been thinking about. Sure.

I think about moving and buying a little place in Maine a lot and getting some like chickens and hanging out there. Yeah. And then spending part of the year somewhere else, either Chicago, LA, or New York. Like doing like three months in a place where I can go do improv and be around people. So next, I already decided that next summer

I'm going to come back for two and a half months. Whoa. To Chicago. Wow. Because I, yeah, I just think this would be a great place to be out of for that time. And it also depends if I want to have kids. Right now I place to be out of her that time. And it also depends if I want to have kids right now. I'm leaning no. Yeah, me too.

For you. Yeah. But if I have kids, I don't know if I'd want to raise them in L.A. Yeah, because it's like your kids are going to be drinking like frappiato frappuccino. Yeah, taking them on auditions. They book roles over you. Yeah, I don't want them to become my competition. I can't afford that.

Grocery shopping at Erawan and it's $450,000 a month. Summertime in Chicago, that's the time that you, that's really the time that you, I would say as a person who lives here year round, summertime in Chicago is the second most miserable time to be in Chicago. Oh, I feel like famously the wrong opinion. Chicago summer is like like

internationally known as one of the best places to be during the summer. Really when it's like 98 degrees? It's not always like that. No, but more and more it is. Oh global warming. Yeah Yeah, the last few years there have been some and like two years ago we had the Canadian wildfire smoke, which it was like unlivable to be outside of Chicago. we had the Canadian wildfire smoke, which it was like unlivable to be outside of Chicago. Do you remember that? The Canadian wildfire smoke? You should remember it because the skies were literally gray in the summertime for maybe three weeks. Casey, you remember this. I'm not crazy. The wildest thing about the Canadian wildfires is we had a little bit of it earlier this summer, and I was walking around in my neighborhood being like, Yeah, I couldn't go outside yesterday

because of the Canadian wildfire smoke. And people in my neighborhood were like, What are you talking about? I was like, did you not have that thing on your phone that said it was unlivable to be outside and you shouldn't be outside? There's like an amber alert about it. Well, no, it was you had to like check an app. We had to check the weather. You had to check the weather and see that air quality was like

unsafe for any group. And then my neighbors are like, I spent all day outside doing like lawn work yesterday. And I'm like, oh yeah, you shouldn't have done that. Because that's like really, truly really bad. It's so funny that you think Chicago summers are miserable. To me, when I walk around, they feel like, you know, children's book where they like show children's books where they show cities and it's like the idyllic city and everything looks great. Like you're walking down the street and you see firefighters playing cards,

waiting for a fire. Yeah. And you see people drinking on patios and kids playing baseball in the park. It feels so picturesque and cinematic. If you're close-ish to the lake, the 95-degree days are not as bad because you get a little bit of that lake effect breeze.

But if you are not close to the lake, the 95-degree days are. You live the lake, the 95 degree days are- You live far west, up on that hill, where there's thunder and lightning, and all the kids are spooked out by you. Yeah, it's truly unlivable times. Now, I said second worst time to be in Chicago, because the first worst time to be in Chicago

is seven months out of the year in between- Cubs? Well, no, that's third. Cub season. That's probably between December, or I guess it's not seven Well, no, that's third. That's probably between like December, or I guess it's not seven months, it's like December to May. Why are you trying to convince me to move back when you hate most of the year here?

It's just really convenient for recording. I would say fall Chicago number one, spring Chicago number two, winter Chicago number three, summer four. I feel like spring Chicago doesn't want to exist. My favorite part about recording in person, Aaron, is because I will not get a text message from you saying that your internet is out.

And if I do, I'll be like, that's not a problem. Just walk right over here and sit down and record. Why don't you move to LA? Your home, Aaron. Whoa. We could record at Headgum Studios. I guess so. Yeah, I don't know.

I think that that's, Headgum Studios, by the way, they're full. They've got enough podcasts recording there. We could boot Jake Johnson out. Yeah, but I guess it would be easier for Adel and I to like sell our houses and for me to move my family. Do it. I think that, well, yeah, I guess it would be easier.

And you did say just, I don't know, 10 minutes ago that you wouldn't want to raise kids in LA, right? Well, then maybe I don't have kids in LA. Oh Erin I think something I have to bring my kid. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm saying I'm more speaking from your kid is gonna thrive anywhere. I'm going to have a very sensitive Like your kid is like a plant that could grow and plant. Yeah, your kid is a plant and we've never met. Yeah They say something like, what the, no, or whatever they say.

His kid claps at anything. My card is the three of hearts. Yeah, honestly, I think my kid would be pretty happy wherever, because I'm pretty sure everywhere has Moana. So nowadays it's all Moana, Moana, Moana. And I'm like, yeah. Thank you. I understand.

Aaron, would you want to, you don't want to maybe raise kids in LA. Would you want to raise JPC's kid in LA? Um, I- Be like an au pair. Oh, you were an au pair once. I was. You don't wanna maybe raise kids in LA. Would you wanna raise JBC's kid in LA? Be like an au pair. Oh, you were an au pair once. I was. Yeah. I would say I would not hire Erin to watch my child if she was the only option left on this. You know what's so funny is,

I probably am gonna end up being the future stepmother to your child. Beverly Shubedue has a 10 year plan. Stepmother I think is different, because stepmothers can be wicked. And so I do think that that kind of fits in. That is one of the only things I was actually good at on the planet, was nanny.

The last time we recorded, you did tell a story about how you stopped, you told them that you couldn't nanny for a day because you had to like drive two hours to a Chicago fire audition. That was the only time I ever did that. And if my nanny said that to me, she would be Chicago fired.

The only, that was a family I had been working for for three years. Chicago fired. I didn't like that joke. She got pulled in because her nanny gets fired. I get feedback online that I give it up too easily on the show. They're like, she's just a girl who laughs at anything.

And now I'm gonna have higher standards. Oh wow. Adel, you're, Adel wow. Adel, you're fine. No, no, you're fine. Wow. You're right. That family that I'd been working for, it was, oh thank you,

had been working for like two and a half years. And they were so patient and nice. And were like so enthusiastic about me going to that audition. And were like, how'd it go? How was it? It was like that audition. And we're like, how'd it go? How'd it go? How was it? It was like that feeling. And I was like, so mad.

The only other time I, one time I had the flu and I couldn't go into that job. And the only other time that I had to go home earlier, anything, is when their perfect sweet daughter, I don't know if you guys remember this, put, we were playing makeup and she was like, close your eyes. And then she was gonna put like a paintbrush.

Oh, putting her ears in? And she. Popped her ear drum? She popped my ear drum. Oh my god. So I had to go home. And I feel like that's a pretty good track record if that's the only two.

Yeah. Yes, yeah. Is having the flu one day that I got from their kids. Kids will shove things in their ears to a way where I'm like, do you not know? Kids shove the dirtiest things. Do you not know? They don't, the first time. Do you not know? They don't, they don't know because they're children.

They're small, they're truly small. Something I wanna bring up just very quickly is, Erin, I think it would behoove your interest in moving back here. It would stimulate your interest in moving back to Chicago. Oh, is JBC moving out of the city? If JBC possibly move out of the city, but-

I'm close. If Chicago had a better nickname. I feel like we are second city. We are- The Beandy City. The Beandy, we need- The Beandy City. The Big Cookie, we need something more- The Big Cookie?

We need something more exhilarating. Can you workshop some ideas, or JPC, workshop some ideas for a nickname for Chicago that makes it more appealing for Aaron to move back? I love it. The Wet Beef for Keef. Ooh, the Wet Beef Keef. Ooh, the wet beef Keef. You folded my name in.

Yeah. I was gonna say the wet Keef, but. No. Hot dogs. Hot, hot, the big bear. Can it be like Dogtown? Bear Town. Could we call it Dogtown?

Is there anything else that is? I think Bear Town works because the bears are here in Chicago, bears and the cubs. Yeah. So Bear Town would be cool. Fire City. Fire City's cool, because we were absolutely decimated by a fire.

Yeah. We're okay now, all the firemen are playing cards. Does Fire Fest kind of, has Fire Fest kind of ruined fire as good? Well, it depends on how we spell it. Remember that guy gave a bloodshot for all that water? What? Do you remember the Fire Fest documentaries? Does anyone else remember any details from that other than that?

Do you say a guy gave a blowjob for all that water? Yeah, in exchange for water, he gave a guy a blowjob. Huh? The guy running the festival. Don't keep saying that. How good was this water? Well, they needed water. Because you know it was like a disaster, like a disaster. It was a huge disaster.

Music that fell. And one of the guys organizing it admitted, he was like laughing about it. He was like, yeah, I gave this guy a blow job so he would give us more water. How much water? Did he offer hand job first or he went straight to? At all.

So he got hydrated twice. Casey, get on the mic if you want to be on the mic. But- I said he got hydrated twice. But wait, but wait, was it for a bottle of water or was this like a guy? I'm so pissed off today. Was this a guy making a shipment of water? No, it was a truck full.

It was a shipment of water. For one blowjob for a shipment of water? Let me look up the details. The conversion rate on that is, pardon the pun, out of whack. Okay, what do you think, how much do you think a blowjob is worth? For me? Almost nothing. Yeah, like for currency.

No, but like currency, like how much? I couldn't get a half empty bottle of Dasani for one of my blowjobs. There's no way. There's no way. Who do you talk the whole time? Because here's the thing. I've never given a blowjob in my life.

So I'm not gonna be good at it right out the gate. Now, I've watched a lot of game tape, you know? So if we're talking about like, how much training. I heard it while I was reading about this and I... But yeah, I don't know, I don't think my blowjob is gonna be worth anything. Could we put it up for auction. I

Love it if we didn't This man gave do you want to guess the amount of Water like the price it would have been without it. Okay, okay, so how much blowjob was he still buying the water? He's just getting a discount. No, no, no, So this is how much money his blowjob was worth, ultimately. Dude. I don't know, because I'm not in this world. I'm gonna say five grand, and to me that's crazy. I'm gonna say $600.

This man almost gave a $175,000 blowjob to save fire festival well That's here's the thing No, he didn't I think I was gonna give him the water anyway That's if someone tells me that they gave a hundred seventy five thousand dollars blowjob. I go no you got the deal You're gonna get and you also gave somebody a blowjob. That's that's what I think I Feel like the this is a weird. I feel like this is a weird,

I feel like the guy who took the BJ for water is a villain. Yeah. Like a massive villain and should be publicly shamed. I completely agree. Okay, Erin, so I think where we've landed is that for $175,000 and the best blowjob you've ever had in your life, you're willing to move back to Chicago?

Mmm, sure. Well, I already got you on the hook for two to three months next year, is what it sounds like. So now, at this point, we're just negotiating for nine months. That's like 75% off the blowjob, $175,000. Do the math. So like, I mean, okay, here's what I'll do. $130,000, the best blow job you've ever had in your life.

And you moved back to Chicago permanently. Make it a million dollars. Let's just do some riddles. Let's just do some riddles. Why would we just do some riddles? These are riddles from Milti. Milti submitted these riddles so, so long ago. I got distracted. 2018?

Probably, probably 2018 or 2019. We've done, I think we've done, they were, there were eight riddles. I think we did five of them on the show already, or six of them on the show already. So we have two more left. Here we go. You do this every time you climb.

I'm present to judge for every crime. I'll tell you what size to expect. I'm also armor I protect. You do this every time you climb? you do this every time you climb you do this every time you climb Aaron. What do you do every time you climb? Don't really climb That's not true. You're like a social climber, yeah Find your footing

Climbing smart. What do you Do you tie yourself into something like a little harness. Have you guys ever climbed before like done like free climbing or done? What's that? I guess. What's that called? Non free climbing? I've gone to a climbing gym before, but I don't think I would ever actually want to climb on that. So workout was that was it very strenuous for you? It was it was actually I liked it way more than I thought I would. It felt a little because it doesn't really feel like a strength workout

if you're not doing the hard ones. It feels like almost like a full body stretch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds fun. I would love to do that. I don't think I, I'm not like a gym person, but I would love to do the fake rock climbing thing. That sounds fun.

Yeah, I think it would be fun. We should do that as a review crew one day. Yeah. When I'm off the bench. I've done a lot of hiking, but the only climbing I've done is in the Womple Frump room. Oh, yeah. A lot of climbing up and down and.

We all get a nosebleed. Womple Frump. I've done some hiking that involves a little bit of free climbing, but it's not like intense scaling, not like mountain climbing. It's just more just like, hey, this is like eight feet know, eight feet up, and you have to climb this kind of wall thing to get up it. But not, nothing that involves gear, right?

More just like, I'll just scramble up these rocks, you know, as safe as I could possibly do. Mount Everest is littered with the failed oxygen tanks? Uh-huh. Yeah. I went on a first date in Chicago where we went to a climbing gym. And how do you guys feel about like some sort with the failed... Oxygen tanks? Uh-huh. Yeah. Dead bodies? I went on a first date in Chicago where we went to a climbing gym.

And how do you guys feel about like some sort of exercise thing as a first date? That sounds embarrassing and exhausting. Like that's your, that just feels like you're setting everyone up for failure. I think if you're going on a first date and both people are like, I'm athletic and I like hiking or I'm like, I'm into this as a thing.

Perfect. That's great because it's the thing that we both enjoy. But if it's some, especially if it's someone who's like, I'm athletic and I like hiking, or I'm like, I'm into this as a thing, perfect. That's great, because it's the thing that we both enjoy. But if it's some, especially if it's someone who's like, I like doing this, let's just take a person that I've, have no, I don't know if they have any interest in it on a climbing gym thing, that sounds awful to me. Yeah. Was that what it was? No, yeah, I mean, like, I was in the mindset of like,

dating comedy boys is not fun and isn't working. So I will go for a completely different vibe. But once I got there, I was like, I'm having a nice time, but we're not really connecting or looking. It's hard to actually be doing the date stuff, which is asking questions and talking to each other. While you're climbing, yeah.

We got a drink after, and then I was like, well, now we're on a date, and now I'm just tired. And you're in athleisure. Yeah It's like going to a movie for like a first date where it's like a movie is like a fine date If it's like if you're in a relationship, you know, it's terrible first it's awful I was talking to your friend recently who had gone on like a Late morning early afternoon date on a Saturday and I was like that is so much better Than giving up a weekend night

for someone that you don't know, for like a stranger. To just be like, oh, we're gonna go get a coffee or sit in the park. And that just seems so, I'm like, why isn't that more of a thing? I saw two people a couple months ago on what I assume was a first date, cause that's the way it felt.

They were asking first date type questions. And it was when me and my family were going to breakfast, which was Saturday morning at like 6.30 in the morning. Whoa. And it was truly one of the most, it was, the restaurant was empty. It was one of the most insane things that I've ever seen in my life.

Maybe there are two people who work like service at night. I had to invent a lot of things to make it make sense for me because if it was just like, if it was just like, hey, when are you free? I'm never free. They might be soulmates. What about Saturday at 630 in the morning?

Yeah, that's wild. Erin, on your rock climbing date, did it get competitive? Was the guy like trying to quote unquote, beat your progress? No, but I did. When I got there, I was like, oh, you're good at this thing. And then like, I think you think I'm going to be attracted to competence in this. But I also appreciate, he felt very shy.

So I was like, I feel like this is him trying to put himself in a place where he doesn't feel as shy. Yeah. So I was trying to be. You're in his world now. Did he say that? Yeah. Did he say, you're in my world now?

And now he's my husband. If you're trying to invite someone on a date, hypothetically, hypothetical date, where you're showing off a thing that you're in my world now? And now he's my husband. If you're trying to invite someone on a date, hypothetically, hypothetical date, where you're showing off a thing that you're so good at or you think that you're so good at, what's the date that you're inviting them on? Staying up until 4 a.m. Slashing your tires.

Would you just stay up until 4 a.m.? Erin, I see you're pretty dog-shut at that because you've never done it. I fixed them back, idiot, right away. I feel so guilty I fixed them. I do wanna see a scene. The two of you are on a first date and we're, Aaron, we're at a place that you chose

based on where you think you shine most. When you were like, first date at a strip club, I was like, oh, is this like a joke? Cause I truly like, hey, this is fun, it's awesome like a joke uh because I truly like hey this is fun it's awesome I'm having a great time I just don't ever come to places like this yeah I just yeah I it's stupid we can go we can go oh no we don't have to go it seems like everybody here like kind of knows you I didn't know coming up next to the stage Godzilla that That's not me. I just really like watching strippers. Oh, yeah.

I don't work here. I'm just here like every day. And I'm really good at watching strippers. I didn't think that you worked here. I thought maybe you had like an ownership stake or something. Because people seem to have a difference. Sorry, sorry, Bodzilla is on the stage. Sure.

Woo! Yeah! Punch's fake building? Yeah! Take it fake building. Yeah! Take it down, ruin that city baby. Interesting. Ruin that city baby. Yeah, Godzilla's awesome.

I think Godzilla has more of a lizard vibe than a stripper vibe. And coming out to join Godzilla is Goth-ra. It's like Mothra but Goth-ra. Yeah! This is an interesting strip club. They're wearing a lot of clothes. More clothes than I thought.

I don't really go to these places, so it's more clothes than I would think because it's monster costumes. Yeah, I mean, but they make money. Like they're staying open. So some people are horny into that. You're certainly giving them a lot of money. Yeah.

Yeah. It doesn't seem like... We can go play pool. I know you're so good at pool and you love like we can go to a. Oh, no, I work at a pool. Oh, I was not listening. It's OK. We my favorite, my favorite's coming out. My favorite's coming out.

Oh, really short sets. It's time for Claire. Everybody, please welcome Claire Sullivan. Woo. She's my favorite monster. Oh, interesting. Oh, okay, I get it. She's piercing ears. Oh! She gotcha, she gotcha.

Yeah, she got me! I really did not expect her to come off the stage and get my ear like that. She gotcha, it's okay. Holy shit! Hey, well... I turned my ears all pierced. Oh, God. That would be $17. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah, I have a 20. I didn't know what to. You hate this. I'm sorry. I just got out of a really long marriage, and I'm not good at this.

I'm just sorry. Oh, no. Well, interesting. I thought, yeah. Something you could have told me. But it does. I'm having an accident. I'm sorry, all my dating profile pictures are me crying over a picture of my ex.

All of them. That's your ex? Yeah. Okay, it's like a big group photo. Yeah, but like I'm holding a picture and I'm like, ugh. I just thought it was like a friend that couldn't make it to the trip or something. No, it's not. They're all the same trip. No, hey, I'm actually- I'm such a loser, I'm sorry.

No way, hey, hey, you're not a loser. I work at a pool. What does that mean? I'm the towels What? I'd like to see a scene I know you're at a pool and you're getting out and you want to dry off and JPC you're the towels. Got it Hey, hey, I'm here to dry you off. Um. This is a nice pool. Oh, can I just get a towel or?

You got, you're looking at him. Huh. I'm the towels at the pool. Okay. I'm super absorbent. Okay. Yeah. Do I pick you up or do I?

You don't have to do anything at all. You just stay still. Am I being robbed or? What would I take? Pfft. I guess I'm... Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have to do anything. I do ask that you don't get an erection.

Kind of a big ask. It is a big ask. I understand that. But it's something that I ask. Okay, I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna... Okay, okay. Hold on, let me think about... I'm... what should I think about? Come on, man. There's a lot of guys in this pool. Baseball... There's a lot of guys in this pool.

There's a lot of guys in this pool. I got a long day. My grandma playing baseball. I'm just gonna start. Hey, man, you don't work here. Get the hell out of here, dude. What do you mean I don't work here? Oh, I'm not employed here.

Hey, go, get, get. But I'm working. I'm so sorry, sir. Have as many erections as you want. Thank you, it's so painful. It's so painful. You do this every time you climb. You do this every time you climb. Oh fuck, I forgot. I thought you meant that feeling.

Scale. I'm present. Addle. Scale? It's scale. You do this every time you climb. I'm present to judge for every crime. I tell you what size to expect. I'm also armor I protect. Wow. Yeah, the answer is scale. Pretty good. Here you go, here's your next one. This is the hardest one by a lot.

Oh, okay. This is them editorializing and saying this is the hardest one by a lot. But we don't remember what the first six were, so we only have that one to go by in this one. There are four answers to pass this test. Combine opposite pairs to go back and forth. Each answer is one syllable as it leaves your mouth. The group together is not a priest. The group together is not a priest. This is the first one?

Can you say that again? I got really lost. This is the riddle. This is difficult. There are four answers to pass this test. It's the first line. Combine opposite pairs to go back and forth. Each answer is one syllable as it leaves your mouth. The group together is not a priest. Father, do re mi fa sol la ti. Congregation. Okay. Congregation.

Congregation. Mm-hmm. Con pro. That's opposites. Con pro. Yes. Con progration. Con progr yes. Con Progression. Con Progression. Congratulations!

Congratulations! Mom, are you drunk? No. No, congratulations! Congratulations! I'm so proud of you! Congratulations! You're turning a Shmet in.

Oh, a Shmet in is such a pretty good time. Mom got hit really hard in the head by a bird on the way to my birthday party. Oh my gosh, Shemana, you're turning into Shemana. Oh my God, you're so big. You're so big. Okay, we got clues. The group together is not a priest.

Regarding line four, is the group together some other position in the Catholic Church? Yes. Cardinal. Clergy. Cardinal. Bishop. You got it. Cardinal. Cardinal. Bishop. You got it. Cardinal.

Cardinal. Yes. But that's the group together is not a priest. Birds. Not birds. Cardinal is not the answer. But it is a clue that will get you to the answer. Casey, Casey.

There are four answers to pass this test. Wait, hold on a second. I'm so confused. Casey, you famously turn off your video while we're recording remotely. Now you're sitting at a table with us. Are these the faces that you're making when you know a riddle? Casey's pulling a lot of faces. Do you know a lot of the riddles?

No, I don't know a lot. Casey's the audience surrogate. We need Casey. He's the voice of reason. Oh no, I'm not trying to kick Casey. I'm not trying to change anything. I'm just saying, is this how many riddles you usually know? Yeah.

Maybe. I would say once again, it is rare for me to get one riddle before you guys. And I do not even know if I got this one, but something just clicked. Everyone's gonna pop, Casey does pop off in the chat and he'll say like, oh, and it's not often, but I do think that the law of averages,

sometimes he's gonna get one of these, you know? I want Casey to solve this one. Well, we all want Casey to solve it because you think he knows the answer What clicked in there are four cardinal directions and This talks about four it says all together it becomes cardinal and so if they're for direct Yeah, do we want Casey just to solve all the puzzles for us? Yes, absolutely. Well, of course we do.

That was an option? It shouldn't be. Okay, Casey, cut out Casey talking. Is it cardinal directions? What are the four cardinal directions for us? North, east, west, south. North, east, west, south. North.

Aaron? West, east, north. North, north, south, south? Well, here, look, I'll say. South. North. Erin. West. East. North. North, north, south, south? Well, here, look, I'll say, the answer says north, east, south, west. I'm not sure how they're getting that order, but that's not the order that you said.

So I guess I can't give you. Is that the final answer, or is that just a go-go? The answer is north, east, south, and west. You guys remember the book The Westing Game, Erin? That's one of my favorites. Thank you, Adel. The whole plot of that book. Remind me the author.

I don't remember. I feel like I can see it on the page. I can see it right on the page. Yeah. I'm Googling it. Paul. All right. Paul Westinghouse.

We have some things that were submitted as warm-up riddles. Oh Now I don't think that they're necessarily warm-up hurdles. I think that they're very hard because they're Because they're all German based riddles. Okay. Oh And I think it's gonna be better if we take a little reset we take a break before we get into before we do that I do want to ask you guys. what is your grasp on the German language? Nine. That's- Is that German for none?

A perfect joke to go into the break. One, two, three, four, eight, eight, two, three, four. One, two, three, four, eight, eight, two, three, four. One, two, three, four, eight, eight, two, three, four. One, two, three, four, eight,

eight, two, three, four. One, two, three, four, eight, eight, two, three, four. This is an ad by BetterHelp. So what she'll do is take the bread and then add some butter and the butter will help. The butter will help sort of make the bread more delectable. Oh, this reminds me. Sorry, I love this cooking class. I thought this was a silent cooking class. I'm not sure why.

Miss Keef, do you have something to share with the class? Yes, I wanted to talk about my incredible experience with BetterHelp. It is online therapy that has been helping me so much deal with workplace stress and just the general stress of my life. That sounds mentally delicious. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient too, I might add.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, switch therapists at any time. Not like with cooking. And BetterHelp works with an app store rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Honestly, baking bread, as therapeutic as it is, and it's nice to do an activity there, you're doing repetitive and over the same, it's just not as good as talking to a person

about the things that are going. That's why online therapy works really well for me, and baking bread doesn't necessarily do that same thing. Yeah, it's helpful being able to message your counselor anytime. It's just, it's good for your mental health. Oh, I'm covered in flour. I don't know when this happened. As the largest online therapy provider in the world,

BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Unwind from work with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle. Take it from me, Julia Teenager. Yeah. Oh, okay. I gotta get out of this class. Julia adult. There it is. Okay, these are German warm up riddles that were submitted by Neil. Okay. So the crux of this is I'm going to give you basically it's like German translations like German is a

very literal language. So I'm going to give you The I'm gonna try my best Neil knew when they submitted these that I was gonna have to like say some German words So fuck you Neil, but I'm gonna try I'm gonna say a German word So these are warm up warm up Vittles. I'm up Vittles sounds more like Dracula. I guess who knows You were you you knocked it out of the park with nine and now you're slipping. Where are your rittles? I'm gonna give you the German word. Then I'm gonna give you the rough translation and what you're trying to get is the word that is in English, okay?

So as an example, here's the first one. It's schlaffinenzog, which roughly translates Schlaffinenzug. Schlaffinenzug. Which roughly translates to sleep suit. Sleep suit, coffin. Um... Coffin! Coffin. Suit.

Sleep suit. Sleeving bag. Sleeve suit. Pajamas. Pajamas. Pajamas. I don't know how you were supposed to get pajamas from Schlaffinenzug? Schlaffinenzug? I don't know.

Okay, here's the next one. Some of these I think are a little easier to get Kurschkrank Kurschklank Kurschkrank Ratchet and Clank. It's not ratchet and clank. Kurschklank Kohl? Kohl? Oh, Kohl's cash Honestly, it's so close to Kohl's cash. Kohl's cash. Coupons What does Kohl sound like? Cooloupons. What does cool sound like?

Cool. Cool. Cool running. Cool is close. What's cold? Cold. Nice. So, Kohl's Crank.

Cold. Crank. Crank? Okay, this one I think is hard. Ice rink. Oh. Wait, what was the last one? Kohl's Crank is cold cupboard.

Refrigerator. It's a refrigerator. Nice one, Aaron. Thanks. This is, this is... Wait, what was the last one? Kölschkrank is cold cupboard. Refrigerator. It's a refrigerator. Oh, nice one, Aaron. A fridge is called a Kölschkrank. Okay. Winklemesser. Ooh, that's a pervert.

Yes. Is that a Winklemesser? That's a pervert, but also he's kind of like an old so-and-so. Yeah, you Winklemesser! Get out of here, you Winklemesser! Get that Winklemer away from my uncle. Yeah, and is the W to V thing, is that real? I think so.

So it would be Winkle Messer? I think sometimes, yeah. Sometimes it's a thing. Regional, I don't know if it's regional. I don't know. It's like the one thing I know about German and I don't know if it's true. Okay, so-

I've only been there one time. So I'm not an authority on that. Okay. And that was you said to liberate them? Yeah, in the 80s. Okay, so I've only been there one time So I'm not an authority. Okay And that was you said to liberate them. Yeah in the 80s knock down you knock down a wall with a Motorcycle. Yeah, actually guys. I actually knocked it down by accident and everyone started cheering and I was like, yeah Then David Hasselhoff kissed you. Yeah, you were the first ever and I don't want to get this right sleepy agent, right? You can't be mad when the joke is good Okay, Winkle Messer Winkle Messer Winkle Messer Winkle is that like Sandman or something like oh boy

Yeah Okay, so Winkle Messer is short, and this one's gonna be even harder to get when I tell you what it's like, roughly translated to, angel knife. Vincol Messer translates to angel knife. What's something that's sharp? Is that on the right track? Angel knife. Okay, I am so stupid.

This makes way more sense. It is angle knife, not angel. It is angle knife. Angle knife. Angle knife. Angle knife. What is an angle knife, not angel. It is angle knife. Angle knife. Angle knife. Angle knife. What is an angle knife? Angle knife, a hook. No, think like school.

I don't think you- A protractor. It's a protractor. Wow, everyone take out your angel knives. Angle, angle, vinkle-messer. Is messer like, yeah, knife will mess you up, man. Oh, maybe. I don't know.

It makes a real mess of things. Is messer the angle part? Messer like, yeah, knife will mess you up, man. Oh, maybe. I don't know. It makes a real mess of things. Is Messer the angle part? Dude, that's the other thing I don't know. Messer could be angle. Right. Bend it like Beckham, angle it like Messer. Um, let's see, here's your next one.

Ooh, I like this. Gloobit, Gloobamin, Gloobernin, Gloobernin. Louis Vuitton? It's Louis Vuitton. Glubernin, glue, what does glue sound like? Glue. Like glue. Glue is close.

Glue. No. Glugermin. Glue. Hotty cold. Glugermin, glue. Something. Glow.

Glow worms, glow. Bernin is pear. Is pear. Glow pear. So it's glow pear. Glow. Glow worms. Glow. Berenin is pear. Handle. Is pear. Glow pear. So it's glow pear. Headlights. Headlights are so close. Headlights are so close, Erin.

Car lights. It's not car lights. It's more general than that. Glow pear. Eyes. Lamps. Again, more general than that. The lamp.

Lights. Sound of the moon. What is the glow pear part of the lamp? Light bulb. The light bulb, yes. I love that light bulb is glow pear. So pear like, shaped like a pear. Yeah, like a pear shape, right? Oh, I see.

I thought you meant like a pear. Like a pear. Like a pear. Oh. Like a P-A-I-R. I don't even have mastery of the English language. So switching it to German for me is very difficult. Okay, I wanna see a scene.

Erin, you are taking your car to a mechanic. But you are in at all you're going to be the mechanic. But you're pretty sure the mechanic does not know anything about cars based on the way he's talking about the components of your car. Oh, man. Yeah, I pushed it the last like 15 feet. But it really just died out there.

There was no warning signs or anything this morning. It sounds great. And it just figured out. Yeah, was no warning signs or anything this morning. It sounded great and it just... Yeah. Yeah, I do think it is dead. If you listen to its lungs, it sounds like one's punctured. I put a rope down the esophagus

and it feels like there is some shrapnel tinkering around in the juice. Sorry, I don't know some of these like folksy words for car parts. These are clinical. These are clinical. Has your back flip been given, huh? You haven't even touched the car parts. These are clinical, these are clinical. Has your back flip been given, huh? You haven't even touched the car yet.

I feel like maybe you examined someone's body. X-ray vision. Huh. I'm one of the new mutants. Well, is there another mechanic, we sort of seem to be in the middle of nowhere, that I could bring my car to? Sure, my twin brother's here.

Let me just turn around and put on a hat. How can I help you, bub? Okay, it's sort of- You want us to fix up your car, bub? You just turned around and now there's- okay, um... Now there's my four foot eight brother with- What a good day! With a nice yellow and black onesie.

Four eight soaking wet. Smoking a cigar around gasoline. You know, I think I'm just going to Uber back to the hotel. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. No, I wouldn't do that. Why? Ubers tend to use a Tota Tortell, which is an unreliable car.

You know, a lot of their prissiness comes. For sale? I wouldn't even get in an Uber because it's all metal. And that kind of just leaves you open to attacks by, you know who. OK. Bub. Snick.

Your jumpsuits, is that blood or oil? Sorry. Um. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. When you cut into a Citadel, is it blood or oil that comes out? Boy.

Oh. Oh, shit. I hope it's a wolf. You know, I have an uncle who's a mechanic. I'm just gonna call him and then he'll walk me through what I have to do. So. Okay, if you want to do that. Oh, do you need a phone? I got a phone.

Oh, but we don't, you know, reception is bad out here. You could use Cerebro, bub. You want to use Cerebro to locate all the phones? To call your uncle? Cerebro will locate all the phones in the world. We have a setting on Cerebro that only does uncles, bub. Can I ask you a question? Am I the first person you've ever met?

Huh? The first non-mutant? Yeah, the first human. Can you imagine using Cerebro to locate all the phones? Dude, if I had Cerebro, I'd be using it for all kinds of shit. Cerebro would be my Google. Can you use Cerebro to like, you can't use that to like watch someone shower or something.

Yeah, of course you can. Really? Why wouldn't you? So Professor X is, he's probably done it at least, in one of the universe's. He didn't control it. In the X-Men movie when he's like locating the mutants, eventually you turn that on and the mutant's gonna be taking a shower.

Professor X, Charles. I mean, look, does he look away quickly when he realizes that it's a shower? No. No. Erin, who's your favorite X-Men? I like, hmm. I feel like you're... Storm? Yeah. Storm. Storm's cool. If I were talking about like, I don't know, like character development or powers? Either. Then I... Storm's one of the best.

Yeah, I like Storm's powers. Of the classic X-Men, I think the worst power has to be Cyclops. Yeah. You'd think so, but he actually is pretty incredible. I think you're reading the wrong versions of Cyclops. It could be. That's the thing, is that the lore is too deep for me to be able to like, you know... Who are your favorites? Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler. If we're talking movies, the Nightcrawler sequence when he's like assassinating the president is like a really fucking badass sequence.

And in the new, the X-Men 97 cartoon that came out, Storm has an amazing arc, but Nightcrawler has maybe the best scene where he like sword fights with his tail and everything. Is there an X-Men that you think could carry like its own movie that hasn't before? Beast. Give Wolf a read of Kelsey Grammer.

I think if Kelsey Grammer did a one- man Broadway show called Beast. Kelsey Grammer now, but in a beast movie. Kelsey Grammer presents an expanse of it. I truly just became that gif of that kid throwing money out the window. I think it needs to be, it's Kelsey Grammer, it's a one man show We're going to say two and a half hours to justify the ticket price. $900. And I want to say every five minutes, he walks off stage and takes 20 minutes to change into blue makeup, comes out, does a little bit more, goes off stage. So I think that would be...

It's like Sarah Snook doing Importance of Being Earnest or whatever. Yes. Like he just plays... What is that that she's doing? What's the... Drew, Mystery of End... No, that's not it. What is she doing?

What's the, what's the, like the True West? Picture of Dorian Gray. Picture of Dorian Gray. Yes, yes, yes. True West, that's not it. What is she doing? What's the, what's the, like the True West? Picture of Dorian Gray. Picture of Dorian Gray. True West where it's like two actors, like switch roles, and Kelsey Grammer, and you get the guy who played Beast. Kelsey Grammer.

No, the guy who played Beast in the new movies. Oh, from- Oh, Nicholas Holt. Nicholas Holt, yeah. What's that movie called? About a Boy. About a Boy, thank you. We couldn't think of anything.

Holt and Grammer, True West. They did that with Waiting for Godot with Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart. I saw that. Has Gal Godot ever done Waiting for Godot? Come on, right there. She's not my favorite actress. Oh no?

She's so good. Erin, she's so good. My favorite actress, my favorite singer, same person. Gal Godot. Gal Godot. I love how she disappears into any role she plays. You never know it's her. I'm ready. I want more riddles. Imagine all the X-Men.

I feel nothing about Trashy Gone Gal Gadot. Yeah. I saw a thing that was the poster for Snow White because she plays the, I forget the evil. The witch. Yeah. Zet motor. It's a poster for Snow White

and somebody made a comment that said even the poster, even from the poster, I can tell she's bad at acting or something. I'm like, that's incredible. That's wicked fun. Yeah, the Snow White movie was an absolute mess. I put it on for my child because I was morbidly fascinated in what it would be

and the CGI dwarves have like a musical number in it. And I'm like, the whole time I'm like, this is fucking, it's like bad. Like the story is confusing. I actually think Rachel Ziegler time I'm like, this is fucking, it's like bad. Like the story is confusing. I actually think Rachel Ziegler's the best part of that. Yeah, she's great. She's doing an admirable job with like, it's just a mess. But after the CGI dwarves do a song,

I was watching with my child and my child started clapping and I was like, we're watching Moana. Look away. Look away. What they did is not actually good to clap for. Are all the dwarves like Hugh Grant or something? That's the thing is all the dwarves are Hugh Grant from Notting Hill.

You're thinking of Oompa Loompas. Yes, yes, yes. Did anybody see that? Was that the Willy Wonka musical? Yeah, I saw that on an airplane. Was that good? I have a lot of friends that are apologists for it. It's the same person who did Paddington,

but I don't think it captures the same magic, frankly. Love me some Paddington. The wedding I was at this past weekend, I was at a table with all LA people, and everyone just started getting up and giving speeches, which was so funny. Oh, gosh. Just tip for the table.

Then Claire McFadden, who's a great comedian if you want to look her up, she's fantastic, stood up and started giving a speech about the new Snow White movie. She was like, and I watched the first 20 minutes, and we were like, hey. Then everyone started making speeches about Snow White and Rachel Saber. Okay, so we're gonna finish off with these German ones. These are gonna be all animals, so they're fun. Okay?

Ooh. Oh boy. Nect- Nect-schneckt. Mmm. I fucked that up. Owls. Nect-schnecke. Schneck, schneck, sch fucked that. Owls. Nakt, shnekay, shnek, shnek, nakshnik. Something snake. Cows. Nakt, what does nakt sound like?

Night. Not night. Maybe I'm saying it wrong. Nakt, nakshnik. Nocturnal, nakt, nok. No. How do you spell it? N-A-C-K and then like T-C, T-S-C-H. Nicht. Nitched. Naked, naked. It sounds like what it is.

Not really, it's naked. It's naked. Oh, naked mole rat. Naked, so naked snake, snake. Naked snake, naked. Naked snake is close. Naked eel, naked. It is a naked snail.

What do we think of naked snail? Slug. Slug. Slug. Ohug. Slug. Oh, I'd like to see a scene. I guess they must have had snails before slugs then, right? You guys are roommates. One is a snail and one is a slug.

And for a moment, you think that you're walking in on him naked. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Sorry, sir. Slowly turned around. I wasn't doing anything. Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry for... Let me just slowly turn around. I wasn't doing anything. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm just watching Frasier.

Did you forget to put your shell on or? My what? Your shell, I caught you with your shell down. Oh, bro. Ha, no, no, no, no, no. We're different guys, we're different types of guys. We both look like snails. For sure, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And your name is Mike snailman Yeah, cuz my family were snailman Okay, you know going back to generation. Yes, still my delivering snail mail. I'm a slug man. What yeah Oh, I thought I thought that was a I thought I was gonna get rumors. Those you guys are real Yeah, we're not like unicorns. Oh, I mean I've heard of you know My dad and mom always warned me like if you weren't you know Well, they're always like be careful with your shell cuz you only get one and then they say you don't end up like a slug

So you were more like a night. You were like a thing to scare me when I was a kid. I didn't know you're real I'm sorry. No. Yeah. Oh my god. You didn't just like lose your shell. You are you were born without a show, dude I'm not trying to save face with you because I lost my shell. Do you want one? Or is that rude to offer? Do you want one? I have-

Do you have extra? I have a few extra. They're like fancy, fancy. I put them out for guests, but- Knock, knock, knock. Is anyone in there? Let me answer that. Yeah, please.

Hi, you left your shell at my place last night. Oh, I've never met this crow before in my life. What does she have in her mouth? We've been sleeping together. Oh, yeah. Whoa, you're a nest fucker? That's what we call it. Whoa, you can't say that to me.

Oh, I thought creatures who slept with birds were called nest fuckers. We fuck on the ground. I couldn't get up to that nest. It would take me like a year. Oh my god. You know what? Oh shit. How am I going to look for a room?

We were roommates in that scene. That's like the end of snail M&M. Oh shit. How am I going to get this shit out? Snail stand. Thank you, snail stand. I knew what you were going for. Alright, here's the next one.

My shell's gone by one day. Wash bar. Wash bar. Wart hog. Wash bar. Bear. Something bear. Yes. Something bear. Wash bear. Wash is... Grizzly. White. Panda? It's wash bear. This is white.

Polar bear. White bear. Polar bear. I think that makes more sense. Yeah polar bear for wash bear wash This thing is not a bear at all. Oh, oh, and I don't know what wash is about really Oh, is it like a beaver or an otter or something again? No We're making water creature. It's not a water creature quite a bit cow This is a this is a creature that does clean itself. I would say mmm cat Specifically their hands. I think they creature that does clean itself, I would say. Cat. Specifically their hands.

I think they really like to clean their hands. Oh, rats? No. Raccoons. Raccoons. Raccoons are washed away. Raccoons are constantly putting on a disinfectant. They're always doing, what is it called?

Hand sanitizer. Hand sanitizer. I do want to say a few things. The two of you are raccoons and you are going through your sort of daily routine of like everything that you need to get done. Almost like an OCD routine of everything you need to get done before you leave. Okay. Did you shower?

Ah yes, okay, yes I did. Did you? I'm trying to remember if I showered last night or if I... You showered this morning, your hair is wet. Cheese. Wallet. I showered last night as well. Okay great double shower fine. Cheese. Wallet. Cheese. Wallet. Water bottle. Water bottle. Oh damn trash is getting picked up in three minutes. Oh my god we didn't do the trash. Okay hold on before we go outside to do the trash do we have

all of our trinkets? A little the inside part of a bell, one prong of a fork, just a frame of a mirror, a bobby pin, a bobby pin, the tooth of a child. Did I take a shower? You took a shower. I did take a shower. Okay. Wait, smell my pit. Fuck, if we touch trash, we're gonna have to take another shower. Shit. Well, we're gonna eat the trash. Oh my god, we're gonna eat the trash. We have to do an inner shower. We have to drink water. We have to remember to drink water. Okay. Are you going to JP Reb's party later? Oh of course. Okay. Of course. Well then we need to bring- His parties are the best. You gotta find some drugs today. Someone always dies. Yeah. Um okay. Oh my god okay so we're gonna go eat the trash. You know what we should do? No let's write this down. We should get like a big Stanley. Okay. Yeah. To shower in? Oh, I was thinking like the guy from the office, like someone we could ride around on.

Oh, okay. Oh, or like a big water cup. We need, girl, we need to drink water. We need to be drinking water. Actually, you know what? I honestly, I feel like a fucking pig. I've been eating nothing but trash. I've been drinking no water for days.

Oh my God, I just realized I haven't been sharing the calendar with you. Okay, hold on. Hold on Let me send this to you texting it over texting it over. Okay trash pick up in one minute. Oh my god We're gonna miss the trash. Okay, we know we're gonna be hungry all day We paid that bird to spot the trash for us. Okay. Yes. We haven't paid him this week. Oh my god Hold on. Let me I'm ringing my hand. I have no Vinmo. I have wringing my hands in a nervous way. I have no PayPal. I'm wringing my hands. I have no apps.

Oh my God, this isn't my phone. This isn't my phone. This is a trash can lid. This is the lid of a trash can. Where did I put my phone? Oh my God, it's in the shower. It's all wet. It's ruined.

You know what? Here's what we do. We hit the Apple store. It's trash cans. They have the best trash because all they sell is apples. Same. Same. Same. Ha.

Ha. Ha. This is... I'm looking at all these words and I'm thinking, I don't know German. There was... Schildkrupp! I left the trash back out on the porch not too long ago. And there was a raccoon that kept coming up to the porch because all our all my cats were like sitting by the window and I'm like what's

going on out here and I turn he thought you left him a gift truly I drew the light and there's a raccoon sticking out of the trash bag and I was like shit I should have turned that out yeah so I was like I throw it out in the morning came into the kitchen half an hour later all the boy all the cats were still laying sitting there watching and I'm like turn on the porch light reckon so there I'm like well that's crazy turn off the porch light came back an hour later cats are back at the window I was like let I'm like, turn on the porch light, raccoon's still there. I'm like, whoa, that's crazy. Turn off the porch light, came back an hour later, cats are back at the window. I was like, let me check on this.

Turn on the light, a possum was now, has taken the raccoon's place. It was terrifying, because I expected to see the little raccoon tail, and it was like a skinny naked tail. And I was like, and then it turned and like looked at me, and possums are terrifying. Maybe it got so mad it turned into a possum.

Maybe that's just what possums are, is betrayed raccoons. Betrayed raccoons. You saw a raccoon digging through a trash bag on your porch and you thought, let me just take care of this tomorrow? Well, I didn't wanna go out and try and take candy from a baby.

Take a candy from a baby. Take trash from a raccoon. And the raccoon had like made eye contact with him and put his little hand on his heart and went, please, dibs, dibs. Thank you so much. It rupt his heart like in the bear when Carm is like. Because my understanding of raccoons and the way that,

I mean, they're very clean creatures. We know they love washing their hands with disinfectant. But you're going to wake up the next morning and the trash is going to be strewn all about your porch, right? It was. But I would rather that. You're a terrible neighbor.

You're not leaving trash out for your neighbors to eat and shrew? Luckily it's not in my neck of the woods, but on my block there is a rat problem because there is an abandoned house where I think like raccoons and possums and rats and stuff live in it. Oh my.

Yeah, so you gotta be really careful about like leaving like stuff like that out. You don't trick or treat there, do you? Because they're gonna give really bad... They don't give the worst stuff. Really? They give full-size shit. King-size shit?

King-size shit. But yeah, I think I would rather like try to scare off a raccoon than deal with like picking trash up out of my yard, I think. Yeah, I think I was just... Let him go. I was like, I'm a panic about it. Let him go, let him cook. I honestly, though, I'm with the same thing with you. I can't get too mad at a raccoon. I think a raccoon's cute as fuck. Now possum? Terrifying.

Terrifying. They look like demons. They look like huge rats. Yeah, they're terrifying. That's just pretty privilege at work. It is, it is. And truly though, with animals, it's pretty privilege. Because I love a squirrel and I hate a rat, you know? You stomp on a cockroach, you're a hero. You smack a butterfly, everyone hates you.

Yeah, Addle, that was, we were at a bar once, and Addle slapped a butterfly so hard, and the whole bar went silent. He grabbed your ass. Aaron, he grabbed your ass. I was protecting you. Well, when we say he slapped a butterfly, it was a tattoo on someone's lower back.

Yeah. That guy with the tramp stamp. That big guy with the tramp stamp grabbed your ass, and Addle someone's lower back. Yeah. That guy with the tramp stamp. That big guy with the tramp stamp grabbed your ass and Adel slapped him right back. It turned about's fair play. I think I like the way I told the story. I feel like everyone got the right information. Shieldcrot.

Shieldcrot. Shieldcrot. Shedcrot. Not Riddles, by the way. Shield Crote. Shield Crote. These are. Shed Crow. Not Riddles, by the way. Well, Erin, 100% correct. As someone, you, who complains all the time about when things are not riddles, I feel like. No, no. Did I say that these were riddles?

You said they were warm up riddles. Oh, yeah. This does feel like we're just learning a new language. That's what Neil said, but I think it's a fun opportunity. So what does Shield crote sound like? Shield crote? Shield. Crote.

Crote is? Shield crote. Turtle. Sauerkraut. Erin, it's turtle. Shield crote is toad, shield toad. Oh. A shield toad.

Shield toad is way cooler name than a turtle. Shield toad. Okay, yeah, and then maybe I should be giving you, I'll try one of these. I'm gonna give you first the English word. Prick pig. Prick pig. Porky pie. It's a porky pie. I was afraid that if I gave you that you wouldn't ever get to hear the German part of it. No you don't, Adel. There's still time. Adel look at me. Hey, hey.

There's still time to not do this. JBC, you're in your car. You just got cut off in traffic. Got it. And you pulled into the gas station where the car who cut you off was. Aaron, you are the driver of that car and you're a pig who's an absolute prick.

Cool. Hey man, what the fuck? Learn how to drive, asshole. What the fuck is going on? I can't even lift my head up to look at the sky and I'm still a better driver than you fucking hey You know what man man what yeah? Memorizing your license plate Google your line finding your home address. Give me a second asshole Found your home address. All right, okay

Give me a second asshole. Found your home address, all right, okay. What's a pig touching the phone like? Other names linked to this address. Found your wife. Ooh, found your wife on LinkedIn. Ooh, found your wife on Pinterest. Hey, what the fuck is your problem? You shouldn't be driving, you should be a fucking pig.

Found her Instagram. Oh yeah, I haven't heard that one before, creative. Messaged her on Instagram. So no, she was not meant to be creative. Slid into her DMs. Is this like a rock-a-rock-a-rock-a-rock thing. This is a prank. Sorry to Dad Shepard is somewhere. I don't normally do this. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen running around the park for a while looking for Jack Shepard just scrambling

We cut to the the X mansion. I've brought you here prick pig because I used Oh my god, this place sucks X mansion. I've brought you here, Prick Pig, because I used Cerebris. Fuck off. Oh my god, this place sucks. Um, I used Cerebris. I don't wanna be a part of the nerd brigade. We're not nerds, we're... Oh, you watched me shower, then you called me to your mansion?

Yikes, right? Well, you were bathing in mud, but that's hardly... I have a date with an asshole's wife, dude. Tick tock on the clock. Please, Prick Pig, be more nice and gentle to this man. He's only trying to help. Mystique, I don't want to hear from you.

I'm going to go into my little piggy convertible, and I'll see you y'all later. Zzz. I had a big accident. I fell down a tower. See? I could have thought of a funnier Act- act for that voice to be. Cause she can turn into others. Yeah, I was like,

Colossus. Yeah, it's Colossus who is, it's Mystique playing as Colossus, but I think it is, I think it is also funny that it's immediately recognizable that it is Mystique. It is funny. You gotta change your body, she just changed her voice. In any improv scene, no matter what, if you're saying like hey bub or bamf or whatever, to just be like hey Mystique, like, just make everyone Mystique is very funny.

Mystique also, ugh. Oops, all Mystiques. Got to be one of the worst roles that you can play. Any role that you have to spend like three hours in a makeup chair every day, that's got to be awful, right? But you're doing a fourth of the filming because other actors are playing you playing themselves. That's true. That's true. You don't have to film as much,

but three hours in a makeup chair. Yeah. It sounds horrible. It sounds horrible. We should give Jennifer Lawrence and Rebecca Roman Stamos? Mm-hmm. Postumous Oscars. Postumous Oscars.

Possum Oscars. Possum Oscars. Here's an Oscar. It's mostly dug through raccoon trash. It's a half-dead possum. All right here's your last one. Oh these aren't riddles. You're right. Half-dead possum is just a possum, Erin. Have you seen them? That's so mean. Yeah they're on the way out. There's a possum just sort of ripping out its head from its ears on the train somewhere in a US city. One star. Oh, don't, hey, by the way. Back to my bim bam.

Don't go one star review, Bob Lutz, if you're a fucking possum, okay? No, well now we're going to get a bunch of one star reviews from possum. We should do a Patreon that's like super pro possum. Look, just to curve. People who follow us on Instagram would be like, did you guys see Hey Riddle Riddle posted a sorry we went after possums? We're afraid of getting canceled apology video on their social media.

Whatever, hey, 10 years from now when the climate changes, I'll take this episode down, you know? We just wanted to have fun and we've really been reflecting on what we did. I want to speak for all of us when I say we're really deeply sorry to the possum community. Some of my favorite animals are possums. If we started out an Instagram apology video There are so many groups that we have offended who would be like, okay, here we go. Here's my apology

And then when it's possums, they'd be like, fuck you guys. Canadian perverts Australia. Pissed deers. Australia. You should do it. Remember when you did the demographics you brought in list? Yes. You should do that for people we should be apologizing for. We should apologize to. Bl should do it. Remember when you did the demographic you brought in list? I'm sorry, we said the same thing. Yes. You should do that for people we should be apologizing for. We should apologize to.

Blanket apology. White people. Piss deers. Canadian perverts. White people. And then in brackets the people that we consider to be white people. Barbers. Hair dressers.

Barbers. Well, Canadian perverts. Creed. Yeah. Nickelback? Creed. Are they both Canadian? Wow. Wow. Could... Nickelback? Creed. Are they both Canadian? Wow! Wow!

Could be. Seahound. Seahound. Sea... Seahorse. Seal. It is a seal. Seals are kind of like sea... Seahound is a sea dog, which is seal. Seals are so cute. Yeah, they really are.

Every time I see a video of a seal, it reminds me of Lou. I'm like, it moves... Its eyes look like Lou and like moves and... Like seals and dogs must have similar brains. Ooh, yeah. They're so cute. Um, plus Lou has some lab? No. Yeah. Yeah, and labs are water dogs.

So, I think seals are probably closer to labs. Not Lou, though. Lou hates the water. Yeah. Like, if you take her in the pool the rest of the day, she'll just be going like this and paddling. You know what you need to get Lou? Like a big Stanley. So she can swim in that. Yeah. If you take her in the pool the rest of the day, she'll just be going like this and paddling. You know what you need to get Lou? What? Like a big Stanley.

So she can swim in that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just to get kind of more used to water. Yeah. Poor Lou. Poor Lou. Seals are cute, sea lions are cute, but there's, are sea lions cute?

Yeah. There's one of those- Sea lions are kind of intimidating. That are like disgusting. Seals and dogs both bark. Manatees? Are you thinking manatees? And they sound very different.

Every time I see a manatee, I think about how... They used to think they were mermaids? Yeah, and I would do stuff with them. Dude, last night I fucked a mermaid. Hey man, I think you have a furby. And when you say do stuff... Do stuff. Do stuff. Um, uh, I- Hey man, I think you have scurvy. And, and, when you say do stuff, do stuff.

Do stuff. She was gorgeous, I fucked her on a rock. Okay, okay. Um, I think we should maybe all go home or back to our hammocks, I think. Let's all go back to our hammocks, please, and let's not tell tall tales about fucking mermaids

on rocks. I think honestly I'd rather be back in my comic but listen to another minute of this Alright well hey, thank you for submitting those for and I do think that those riddles are probably from like 2019 or something like that But you know what if you have more? Things that aren't riddles that I might just read on the podcast as riddles? Great. Submit them. I have a question for you. Yes, please.

We asked for people to send in their five hottest takes. Yes. Has anyone sent in hot takes? Yes. Now, some people, we said five. Some people sent in one or three or something. I mean, come on. The quickest way for me to not consider those hot takes is to just like move past them. But we have enough hot takes that people submitted

that we could do an episode where we just kind of review people's hot takes. I wanna do that. Okay, well we will do that then. Okay. Great. I wish I was doing that right now. Well, let's end this episode and do that. Okay, great.

We should come in with our own hot takes. I don't have any. Harry and Clara looking through the sky like, no. All my opinions are really popular and cool because they're good opinions. Aaron's got good opinions. They're really good opinions. Aaron, do you have any other, speaking of your good

opinions, anything else that you would like to point people to in kind of the form of plugs? Other than getting tickets to our live shows that are this week, HeyVarietorRiddle.com slash live, Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles, coming down the pipeline That's in like yeah two weeks and that's live stream So you can get that and stream it from anywhere the Los Angeles show

But if you live in LA come see quality time, which is my variety show that I host Adel anything to plug or promote or talk about yes Everyone should check out and subscribe to a new podcast by our friends Greg Hess Hess and Joey Bland called Like Minds. Like Minds, it's a delightful and hilarious sort of like game show podcast. Again, hosted by Joey Bland, produced by Greg Hess and check that out. Aaron and I did an episode recently.

I've done the live version as well and they are so good at writing funny, interesting questions. If you like our show, genuinely, it will be... You'll love it. It makes so much sense that you would listen and love it. Two of the best improvisers. So check that out. LikeMinds, check it out. JPC, anything to plug or promote?

Here's the thing. I just realized, we record these sometimes, we're doing this, especially since Aaron's in town, so we're recording a little bit in advance so we can take advantage of being live in the studio, but sometimes our plugs don't catch up, and I have to go back and re-record plugs that are like, these are plugs specific for this.

And I'm always like, well, how do I intro it? How do I make it seem flawless? Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna say, hey, JPC in the future, do you have anything in the plug? Oh, smart, and then toss it to yourself. And then I just toss it to myself. Thanks, JPC.

JPC from the future here with a live show update. This weekend, Portland and Seattle, both of those shows were sold out, but we just released some of our comps. So we have a few more tickets left. So if you have waited this long, but you still want to go to the show, you might still be able to get a ticket to Portland and Seattle. And then the next weekend, the first weekend of August will be in LA. And again, that live stream for the LA show,

you can still buy tickets up to two weeks after the show ends. So if you don't get them immediately, but you still want to see the live stream, you can catch that up to two weeks after the show ends. You can just go to heyriddleriddle.com slash live for all of those tickets. OK, back to you guys. And now I'm back.

JPC in the future, anything to plug? Fart sound. Thanks, JPC. Is that my And now I'm back. JPC in the future, anything to plug? Fart sound. Thanks, JPC. Is that my butt that I'm plugging? Yes. Okay. That's funny. Well, honestly?

Jupiter. What? Scared him. Created by Apple Refine. Starting Aaron Cheever. And John Patrick Cohen. Casey Toney to the editing. And Ari Parrish in the music.

Booko created by Emily Cardemus and Emeline Nemours. One, two, three, four, hey, RIP to RIP. Hey there Oreos and mints. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We're discussing your hot takes. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or sorry, 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there. That was a hate gum podcast.