Hey Riddle Riddle - #372: My Hearts Don't Lie w/ Joey Bland

Episode Date: September 3, 2025

It's the last of our live from LA episodes and we have former Jeopardy champion Joey Bland on to talk about something that happened 20 years ago. If you liked today's ep, you're going to love the Like Minds Podcast!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifGuest:Joey BlandEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/RIDDLE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of the network of fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream. And the horse of being Friday. Your Hey Riddle Riddle

At all GPC and I just got our hay and riddle tattoo Did you get a riddle tattoo? Yes Where is it? Yeah, let's see it. Let's see it.

What did you two get? He got hay and I got the first riddle and then your job was to get the second riddle? Yeah, the second for the... And that's the name of the show is hey riddle, riddle, and the tattoo does not work if you didn't get that because otherwise it's just hey riddle no one will know what the fuck that means

or riddle hey depending on how we stand you know how I've been super unorganized recently recently the last seven years I got from the magic tavern on my lower back you got a tramp stamp of from the magic tower

I got a tattoo on my lower back well that actually fits because Aaron got ass cheek and I got taint for our tattoos so now it kind of like it all reads Well, I got a tattoo that says ass cheek, and it's on my face. Yeah, I got a forearm tattoo that says taint. Is any tattoo Charlie Chopin gets a tramp stamp? Our guest today.

That's a lot of fun. And that's a lot of fun. And that's what we like to call a lot of fun. Let's air out the room. Our guest today, Mr. Joey Blan, thank you so much for being here. Hey, I'm tattooless. None. None.

I would be superfluous. I would be superfluous in your podcast title tattoo. because I am a fourth person and a three three word title no it'd be like room tone like you you need like that to set the mood for the tattoo that you're about to see fair enough fair enough i could be a pause before or after joey bland human room tone god i guess with it with a name like bland kind of does fit oh my god i know that i had an audition one time and the guy was like joey bland that's got to be a that's got to be a stage name and it's like stage names are the reverse. You go the other way, right?

You'd be like, I'm Joey Starmes. I have Jennifer boring. Yeah, well that was my reply was like, it is, it is a station name. My real name is Joey Rasmataz. Now, oh, they loved it. Joey is anything about Blanche. You might know him from improvised Shakespeare, one of the best improv shows you'll ever see. You might know him from the brand new

podcast, like Mines, which you can find anywhere you find podcast. You might know him from being a champion on Jeopardy. Boy, if you did, that'd be impressed. X amount of years ago. Was it, was it, um, I don't know how to phrases without insulting any listeners. Was it normal or college?

It was normal jeopardy. So the real thing? The real thing. The real thing. The real thing. I was on it in 2005. I won twice and lost once. Everyone loses once. Do you remember your final jeopardy question that you won on?

God. Yeah, 100%. Well, you got to remember I won twice. And I remember the final jeopardy that I lost on. Would you like to hear them? I would love to. Okay. The first one was essentially,

I think the category was something like 18th century correspondence. It was a really weird thing. I would just write pigeon in a truck. Yeah, it was crazy. It was not even a category. Oh, so, Aaron, pigeon, that's like the type of correspondence. I'm not saying I would win. I'm just saying I would panic and write pigeons.

But that would fit in the category. Correspondence with a C, not correspondence like the people who, but it was about a correspondent. And the question was basically, it was a quote. And it was like, who wrote this to her husband in whatever year? and it was an Abigail Adams quote. Remember the ladies, I'm sure. That's the one. That's the one. And I think we all got it.

You all got it? Yeah, I think so. And then the second one was much harder and it was one of those things where someone had not made it to Final Jeopardy. So it was just down to me and this other guy. And it was, I think it was world capitals or some kind of capitals. And I was pretty, I was like, I know those. But that wouldn't really help. And it was something this, essentially the question was like, what is the oldest capital city in the Americas?

and it was founded in like 14-something. So at first people were like, Boston, you're like, no, 1400s, my God. So you have to think, where did Columbus land? And I kind of remembered that he landed on the island of Hispaniola, which is where like Haiti and the Dominican Republic are. So I wrote down Santa Domingo, the capital of Dominican Republic, which was correct. Oh, huge. And, oh, but that also was really, really, because I had more than twice the other guy. I knew I was going to win.

Oh, okay. So I was, like, floating at that point. And the other guy wrote Pigeon, right? He got, yeah, he's wrote Pigeon. I truly think the saddest thing, the saddest thing you can watch on TV is on Jeopardy when someone goes, I guess, zero's out or goes below. And for Final Jeopardy, they're like, could you, we don't want you on camera. Like, you can't even sit quietly. Could you go to the shame box?

Back to the green room. Yeah. And then, but I finished, they shoot like five in a day. Or they did. I'm sure they still do They shoot like a week in a day And so I finished I was the Thursday and Friday shows

So I left L.A. as the champion Like I've never flown home higher Like it was just amazing Then I came back and lost the first one The next morning and it sucked You but you went home Yeah yeah yeah I flew home They only shoot on like Tuesdays and Wednesdays

Or something So I flew home So you had like a whole week They had a week off And so I had two weeks off Flew back in And you couldn't tell anybody You had to just walk around the world

As the reigning Jeopardy champion and no one knew. You're doing that thing where you jump and kick your heels and people like, wow, jelly's really good. Were you being so funny in improv shows that week?

I killed. Zip, zap. Zoom. So, way you whoa. So, all kinds of cool tagouts. You're doing cartwheels instead of sweep at it.

You usually do this stuff. Fair ladies and gents, our play takes place in center dominion. Yeah, wing, wing. He's throwing that around a lot. That sounds specific. So what was the one that you got out on?

It was the question all boiled down to basically who's the youngest person to ever run for president on a major party ticket. Mr. Beast. Mr. Bees. It will be. It will be.

And it was Thomas Dewey of Defeats Truman, and I knew I wasn't going to get it. But I also made the giant colossal Jeopardy error of betting everything. Oh, no. Never bet everything. You can't win with zero. You can win with a dollar. I wouldn't have won with a dollar. But I was stressed.

So this is the big regret, but it wouldn't have mattered. It wouldn't have mattered. No, my big regret was there are sites you can go on now and probably, and I think you could even then, they tell you every situation, the rules you should follow on a major. Oh, that's amazing. And I was in second place, and I should have wagered in a certain pocket. And if I'd done that, the woman who beat me, she and I both missed it. Okay.

But I could have won by waging correctly. That's fascinating. I never even thought about there being, like, websites or guides where it's almost like Doyle's poker book or something where it's like 100%. Here's the things. You should always move in this man. There's a website that I use for that and it's like without fail tells me because I use it because I have restaurant anxiety and it always says scream at the waiter

and I've yet to do it yet. I think you're reading your own blog. I am reading it's a blog. Yeah, it's your blog. Yes. Yes. Okay. I like the way this guy writes. I, when you were going on to Jeopardy, was there categories that you were like, please don't be on there or in stuff that you were kind of hoping for? Um, No, I read opera for dummies and I read classical music for dummies. I had one opera question and I still got it wrong.

Nice. But there's not a lot of opera on there. What was your major in college? My major was religion. Whoa, that's helpful on Jeopardy. It could be. Yeah, if they ask religion questions. Yeah, I mean, that would have been great.

That would have been great. I read something online at the time that was like, review what you know. Don't try to learn everything new, but definitely try to know presidents and capitals. Because even if they'll ask you like, you know, there's such and such uprising in this country and you're like, I've never heard of this thing resulted in the collapse of the city of Nairobi

and you're like, well, I do know Nairobi's the capital of Kenya. So I guess Kenya. They do kind of nest clues a lot of times in Jeopardy questions. That's interesting. Probably like doing the crossword over and over again, the more you like watch Jeopardy, the more you get a sense for the language that they use and how you answer those questions. Did you sweep a category while you're on it? No, I came close.

Which, what was the category? Gosh, what was it? Dogs of the Bible. God, my major, Professor Holmes will be so pleased. My dissertation on dogs of the Bible. There was one, I feel like they showed outlines of countries. And I was just going right through it. And the last one I just really clunked up.

I don't know. This is a long time ago. You have pretty good recall of these things. Yeah, it was traumatic. It was the most, it was easily the most nervous have ever been in my life. Like when you start, my hand, like, you have your thumb on the buzzer thing, and my thumb was like just waving off the whole thing. It was, I couldn't even compress it at first. I didn't think.

The skill of knowing a lot about everything, does that help you doing improv by Shakespeare? Because I feel like you guys like pull on so much stuff. Well, I mean, yeah, now it sounds real, this, you know, all real heady stuff. But I think, yeah, I mean, I think with improv, period, the more you know the better, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's not really what this show. is just as a heads off.

Did we get that? Did we get that on Mike? I'm going to have to review that later. She's yelling at a waiter. I would say not knowing a lot of stuff, but being interested in a lot of stuff. Yeah. It was definitely helpful.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And yeah, and I think there was, there was, I'll also say going on Jeopardy, part of the tryout was definitely like an audition. Like they wanted to see if you could be chatty on the show. Flirt with Alex Trebek. kind of it was those were the Alex days and I will say for a guy who like he was super good at his job yeah he did one of those things to me when I lost when I lost and I missed the

Thomas Dewey thing I didn't even recognize it in the moment when I watched it I he looked at my answer and he goes I think I guess Barry Goldwater and he goes oh not even close which sounded really like jerky and when I watched it but on the day I didn't feel that at all I always felt like oh my gosh I'm making dad proud yeah And if I missed one, you could just tell he was like, hey, shake it off, kid, you'll be fine. And then he got one right. And he was like, you could feel like a pat on your back. He was really good at it.

I guess Easter Island when I was on and he said, swinging a miss bitch? Yeah. It felt bad. And then he punched you in the stomach. God. He had a temper. Definitely had a temper. It was around the time of Happy Gilmore.

So I feel like all game show hosts were like, I'm that. I'm Bob Barker. I could have been Bob Barker. When I auditioned, he was like hanging outside of like the casting area, just like playing a guitar and like trying to look like disinterested. And then, like, people would be like, hey, are you on the Strybeck? And he'd be like, yeah, actually, my hotel's, like, not far away from him. Oh, yeah, don't get me wrong.

Like, he was very good at his job, but he was a total violent. Terrible man. I do watch the clip of him saying, so losers when he calls that woman and her friend, losers. It's awesome. It's awesome. And I love Alex Trebek, but this clip is one of the best things. But he was famously a really mean guy. No.

Unless he's trying to get Poon on the quad. No, you guys. So, Joey, clearly. Love Jeopardy. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, crosswords, escape room, anything like that. Oh, God. I always feel like lateral thinking puzzles, riddles in that, to the, I always know when the riddle gets read, I'm like, I know what I'm supposed to do. I understand that it is not, don't take it at face value or redefine the words or whatever, but I can't do it until it just happens.

So I feel like it's very frustrating. Yeah. I hate them in a lot of ways. Yeah. No, that's the correct response. Welcome. Welcome, brother. I am here against my will.

It's a fighter flight thing and your body is telling you the right thing to do at that point. After doing like minds, the podcast version and the live version. Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like the way your brain works, though, if I were to be like recruiting people from who did Chicago improv to do an escape room with me, you would be someone I would think of. I am beyond honored. I think I like being on the other side of it. I like to be in the person constructing the puzzle box. Yeah.

And I guess I'm that side of like the sadism of. it you would rather be jigsaw than the person who has to cut their own arm off to get out of the you know what me too i mean but who would any of us yeah i guess is like god i'd love to be strapped into that thing rip my jaw how would i rather be jigsaw or carry elways let me think about that hottest young actor of all time you know yeah i do i my podcast like minds i do tend to write things puzzlier than like a straightforward uh trivia question somebody said like you ask questions like a bridge troll and I took that as high praise that feels like what a riddle is right a question a bridge troll would ask would be a riddle and that's my first

riddle yeah fuck there you go in that way I would very I'm very much summoning like my father who would like we play trivary pursuit in my house and he would never play because he kind of knew everything I think and he just sent the patience for everyone else and he would walk through the kitchen and he would hear the question he would just say like lucky charms He'd be like, what the hell was that? And then afterwards, he'd come back in and he'd be like, well, it was about the moon, and there is a moon marshmallow. Like, some really, really tangentially. Just enough to, like, make everything.

I love that he wasn't smug about it. He was just sort of getting his coffee. No, he definitely wasn't. He was just passing through on to work. Well, speaking of work, let's all get to work. And I'm going to read some riddles. And we can do our best to try to solve these riddles. Let's crack this.

These are all going to be user-submitted riddles. And this first one is going to come from Micos. It's kind of a warm-up riddle. Migos writes, What has a nose and a tail But Cannot Breathe Nose in a tail but cannot breathe? Is this like a penny?

That's a really great answer. And it's acceptable, but it's not the one we're looking for. A painting of a dog. A nose and a tail. Aaron painting of a dog I think would also work. But it is not what we are looking for. We're not looking for just like an image of an animal. Yes, correct.

I mean, the penny was right that's like uh yeah also is mecos where cousin balke was from he was from me post me post me post yeah you idiot that was my next riddle fuck balgie bartaki's um how's tail spelled um oh that's a really great question it is t a i l yeah nose in a tail but no what but cannot breathe cannot breathe yeah does wine haven't like a glass and wine having nose but i think it also can't breathe Yeah, wine, I think, is famously something that you let breathe. You let breathe.

But I can't literally breathe. Well, but this is, I would say that it can't even figuratively breathe either because that's no, it does no type of breathing one way or the other. Oh, what was it doing? Is this like a statured, breathless? It's not a statue because we're not doing an image. It's, and I think that, yeah, it's not a statue. Oh, a plane. Aaron, plane is a great answer.

And it's not it? It's not it, but it is. Yes, it is. It is. Aaron, you don't have to participate for the rest of the riddle. You can have it off. You get off on a technicality. Because the answer is not plain, but it is like plane and that it has a nose and a tail that

are not like a actual nose and actual tail. It's not an anatomical. It's just a different object than a plane is what I will say. This is not an animate object. It's not a living thing. Yes. We're not looking for a living thing. It's just something else that has a nose and a tail like an airplane.

Is it a transatlant? transportation thing? Yes. Whoa. Yes, it is a transportation thing. It's not a car. A train. It's not a train.

Yard to the nose of the boat. You don't have to do it anymore because you've got playing. Damn. So now you can take your much needed a break. Or you can choose to help a friend. Not like a rocket. No, I would say this is much more of a personal transportation device. A bike?

A segway. A scooter. A scooter. It's not a scooter. Scooters have a tail. Scooter and say, nah, scooters closer. Scooter's closer. Do people still put bras on their cars?

Remember those? Like, not, it's not a, obviously. Braves? Oh, my God. My car has been wearing a bra at all. Oh, my God. How old's your car? But I feel like there was those,

there's like a black, I think they call them like bras. They would put like a black, mostly like Mitsubishi Lancers and stuff. I don't go to. They put like a black covering over. You know what? I,

this might be a small town. Headlights. And I'm outing myself. I have seen what you are describing I did not know that it was called a bra and I don't know what function it serves Is it covering the headlights? Buddy, I don't know you're into that sort of like, let's come.

It's a girl of the car. Right, I don't like the grill of the car. The grill of the car, yes. And I have seen that. I don't know what it's for. But in the mid-90s, everyone in my small town had like, not everyone, but a lot of people who had Mitsubishi Lancers would put it.

Again, now this. Everyone in my small town who also had a Mitsubishi Lancer. This is like the Roller Blade. The Jeep Ducks thing that I just found out, but it's been going on for a couple years, but I just found out about it the other day. But now I...

Ducks? Yeah, you'll see people who drive Jeep specifically, and they have these rubber ducks, these little rubber ducks, and they keep them on their dashboards, but if they see other jeeps, like, in the wild, it's like a, it's like a, hey, good on you type of thing, where they'll take one of their ducks and put it on top of someone else's Jeep to, like,

pass the ducks around. I drove a Jeep for a while, and we would beep at each other. There was a Jeep, beep, and a Jeep wave. The Jeep beep, The Jeep beep And I knew about both of those But the ducks is a new thing I always felt like a fraud

I was like I'm not really You weren't really a Jeep owner I'm not really one of you Spirit Skateboard It's skateboard Yes Yeah

Oh yeah Did Aaron say fraud And you thought about Skateboard I'd like to see a scene The shrug I think airplanes Just as good

Yeah as a skateboard I agree You'd be better I think I think airplanes are even better Than skateboards Yeah let's play fucking Tony Hawks Plain

Pro plane I'd like to see a scene We'll have you to be cool kids at the skate park and Adel, you are a dad that used to a skateboard and you're trying to like hang and be as cool as them. Sure.

Kicklet! Dang! Oh, my God. I'm going to try Pop Shavin, okay? I never get one of these. I never do one of these. Okay, let's try. Do it again, do it again. Okay, yeah, yeah. I got my phone out. I got my phone out. I've got to be in the zone. I got to be in the zone. Whoa! Hey! Hey! I got that. Not bad. Oh, darn ya.

23 Skadoo. What? Hey, mister, you're all right? You fell down pretty hard there this year. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, stay back, stay back, stay down. Don't get up, don't get up, man. No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Dude, your pants are ripped bad.

Oh, my cuxics. It looks like you're bleeding out of, like, your leg, too. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, man, I can see your underwear and it's filling with blood. No, no, no, no. Don't stand up. No, don't stand up. I think it was, did you have tomatoes in your pocket? No, yes.

Hey, Brian, I'm going to call my dad. Yeah, my dad's an ear, nosed and throat surgeon, so he might be able to help with whatever you've got. Oh, my God. Dude, don't show us your testicles. Yeah, we're kids. Hey, mister, we're kids. We're 14 and 15, so please don't show us your testicles. The tomatoes, those are, I have, and so, ah, can you go get a grownup?

Go get a grownup? It's a skate park. What are your eyes is facing the wrong direction? Oh, no, not again. It's a skate park, man. There are no grownups here. It's just me and my shitbag friends. Yeah, man.

there aren't supposed to be any grown-ups. What are you even doing here, man? Here, let me... Oh, my God, your testicle's swelling. Let me get out my wallet. Where did you get that old, like, Bart Simpson-looking skateboard? I've never seen the skateboard like that. It's so wide.

I was... Do you know the arcade machine, the Simpsons arcade machine with the four players, and, like, Homer has a bowling bag, and March has a vacuum? I guess. I guess I know the theory of what you're saying. I understand everything you're saying. I know what Simpsons is. I don't remember what Lisa had, but Bart had.

skateboard, but I won the 1987 championships and they gave me a replica of this... 1987? Wait, 87? Yeah. That's like 10 years before either one of us were born. Yeah, and two years before

the Simpsons. Well, this is like Tracy Allman's show. Oh, yeah. Hey, you're pretty cool, man. Whoa. Hold on, let me get up my phone. Can you say that again, record? Oh, that's your phone?

What's up? It has an antenna. Hey, guys, working on your jump. Oh, my God. Sorry, my dad's here. This is your dad? Your dad? Carol, hey, Carol.

Your dad knows about the Tracy Olman show. And I think his testicles exploded. Yeah, one of them's getting real big. Sorry, guys, my dad sucks. He named me Carol, and I'm like a child, and that's sort of a lot. After Carol Channing. It's horrible. And he wanted to connect with me because he knows I love skateboarding.

We can sort of skate away. You don't have to talk to my dad. Yeah, we can go Carol if you want, but seriously, I think your dad's severely injured. Yeah, yeah. And that's still not going to bring mom back. Let's go, boys. There goes the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you, baby. You can't say

shit like, oh, no, I forgot that you're her dad. That's my daughter. Yeah, no, it's fine. It's still weird for you to say it when we can see you're nuts. I had a gut reaction when an old man said that about Carol, who's a friend of mine. We got defensive for Carol. Let's go to 7-11 and start it. You could have named her after the movie, Carol.

That would be That would be cool as hell. I've never seen it. You've never seen Carol? Skibbitty toilet. You sound pathetic, man. Sorry, guys. The divorce has really hit on, like, a ton of bricks.

It's not finalized yet. There's still a chance. I don't think so, man. If she's in love with someone else, I feel like that's curtain's on you, dad. Quick, somebody wear my clothes and do a cool trip. Stop trying to take your pants off. Holy crap, sir. Nobody's putting on your clothes.

This guy just got all his clothes off. No one's going to. Stop. Yeah, good luck getting your clothes off because your whole leg is so swollen at this point. You're not getting those pants ready to wear your clothes and then film themselves doing a trick to send a mom. That's weird, dad. I can't feel my stomach. I bet you can't, sir. Your testicle is the size of a Nerf football. It looks like your stomach is

filling up with dead blood. I know Nerf. I know Nerf. Everybody knows Nerf. We're still kids. Carol's right. Let's get to 7-Eleven. Oh, man. my sister did win a one of skateboard uh she won a skateboard from pizza hut and it was like it looked like it was like the width of a coffee table and it said and it said dr pepper on it that's the most 1990s sentence you know how it's like yeah for sale baby shoes never worn the saddest sentence of all time right right yeah one skateboard from pizza hut dr pepper double wide skateboard most 90s sentence ever concocted that rules does she still have it i god no i'm sure she's a famous skateboarder now on that skateboarder. Yeah, maybe you've heard of her. Her name is insert someone other than Tony Hawk. Bam Margera. Yeah, maybe you've heard of Bamargera.

I thought he was a wrestler. No. That's Bam Bam Bigelow. That could be Bam Bambargera. Bamargera? He's Jackassar on the outs. Oh, Bamargera. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't use the French pronunciation of Margera. This has happened to me before. What are the consonants in that name? Bammar. Bam? Bam is as you said. B-A-M.

And then Margera is, I think it's M-A-R-G-E-R-A. If this was my jeopardy, I would be out. It does sound like something Gomez would say to Mortisha. Bam-Margera. Yeah. Oh, my God. It sounds like I'm trying to say something, and I've just burnt my tongue into a blizzard. I remember we used to get on my little brother's goat because we would play Tony Hawk Prescott.

I want to say three. And in that, they would let you design your own character. And we made a character whose name was Bam Marinera. That we would constantly beat him as Bam Mariner. And he said, that's not his name. But we're like, yeah, no, it is his name. My man's name is Bamarinar, and he's a skateboarder. I'm so glad I don't have brothers.

That sounds so exhausting. It was, yeah. Well, Aaron, I think specifically it would be exhausting if it were me. Your brother, yeah. Aaron, you ever go on eBay and just type in Agro-Crag and see if you can buy a piece of the rock? No, but I will now. I remember the Agro-Crag. You ever watched Nickelodeon guts?

Oh, yeah. I'm trying to get, um, what was that Nickelodeon show? The Temple one. Legends of the Hidden Hidden Trail of the Temple. Yeah, I'm trying to get that whole set off eBay. All of Olmec? Yeah. All of Holmack.

Oh, man. Okay, let's do this one. This one is going to be a riddle from Ben. So this is a corrupt and evil. Bam. From Ben Mergeru. This is from Ben Martinelli's. A corrupt and evil king had been condemning and putting people to death.

All executions happen in public. And for the appearance of fairness, the king has stipulated that even though he knows a person is guilty, they will get a chance to live. The moment before an execution, by being, heading, the condemned will be presented with two small pieces of folded paper. The king says that one piece of paper is written innocent and the other is written guilty. The condemned must take one of the pieces of paper, unfold it, and show it to the crowd. If they choose innocent, they are free to go. If they choose guilty, they are immediately beheaded.

One day the king condemns you. Up to now, everyone condemned has chosen the piece of paper that says guilty and has been beheaded. You assume that both pieces of paper said guilty. And you are correct. Oh. How? Okay.

This is a really sad story. You got with TV. Tune in next week. The question is, how do you survive? Oh, both pieces of paper say guilty. I think, let me finish. This is going to sound dumb. You're allowed to think.

I think you go, you make a big meal of being like, ooh, any, meeny, as fast as you can. You grab both pieces and you open them and show them. to the crowd and go look look look look look look you're going to get killed you're going to get double killed I think I think that you're going to get in that instance you're going to get double killed B. Y O paper I think everybody I think everybody kind of knows the score

with this thing but yeah if you pull I can't bring my own paper and have it say innocent and then go how do you know it's ostensibly one says innocent it doesn't say not guilty it says either innocent or guilty innocent or guilty are the things that that these two pieces of paper say but again, you assume that they both are guilty and you are correct. So the crowd knows and they don't care. So it's not like

you pull, you do pull one and then you go, just before I die, show the other one, but nobody cares. I will say, here's what I will say. It's not that the crowd knows, it's that you know, but how are you going to get the crowd to like, you know,

how are you going to survive this ordeal? And I can't bring my own paper. That says innocent on it. Man, I would love it if you could, but you can't because it has to be in the King's handwriting. I'm assuming we're not going to get out of this by getting the crowd on our side and leading a revolution. I mean, I will say that that might be the way that you get out of this,

but it's not the operative part of this answer. I see. We. I guess. Does it have to do with something you say? No, it has nothing to do with something that you say. Is this like the plot of that Denzel Washington movie where he stayed inside the bank? Glory.

Inside Man I love Inside Man too They marketed it wrong I'd say totally underrated The taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3 actually That's what this is The remake It's the remake

I know Dinsale wasn't in the original And I don't know that he was in the remake He was He was him in Travolta And it was him and Travolta The original is great The original is fun Did Travolta

Did he have his real hair For that? I don't think he ever had his real hair He's just a series of wick He's a series of wigs. Did you know? He's wigs all the way down. Not even a man.

Not even a man. He's a pelican. He's a pelican. He's a wig on a credit card commercial. You had some clues. I have some clues for you. This might help spark something. Your first clue is your hands are free.

Doesn't it in Greece, doesn't it sound like he, he's only seen people laugh? And he was like, uh-oh. He goes, uh-huh. He's only ever seen it written down. That's so funny. He's only ever seen it. He's seen AHA, AHA, he's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. I would love for John'sville to be like, I didn't know how laughter was pronounced.

You what? It's like, man, my shit, right? He was created by a costume department in 1975. It was so funny, your buddy. Like, on a rolling laugh of that. Sorry, James, what was the first? Your hands are free. My hands are free.

Yes. You may not speak at all on the execution platform. If you do, you will be immediately executed. Is that include, like, noises? whistling or... You can do some of your classic Michael Winslow helicopter landing

and the executioner's just hands sweating on the axe waiting for you to say something that's like Peter Frampton like guitar kind of sounds like a person speaking but as long as you keep it Frampton I stall until Tackleberry

can take the shot. Do I like fold it in a certain way that makes it look like it says innocent do I like... That's so fun. Or do I like combine guilty and guilty? Yeah that was my thought originally can we manipulate the letters.

Yeah. Um, that's not, that's not the answer, but I love where you're heads out. Is some kind of sign language going on? My hands are free. Your hands are free. I can't say anything, but I can show something. I can demonstrate. You may not signal or gesture in any way that you know that both pieces of paper have guilty written on them. Okay, so that clue implies that the crowd does not know. I sneeze in the paper shows. Um, I sneeze so hard the paper whips up. The answer will not be in any way showing both pieces of paper to the audience. I will say that.

because again so you can't say this is about to say guilty because they both say guilty no I think it would be taking this like the raving this is the job I like

I like being the person who's like I have all the power and I'm giving you better clues than you think and you all see and we all seem dumb okay your next clue is that you are in a way using the king's trick against him because he's putting

guilty on both of these papers you know that the audience doesn't know that and you're going to use his trick against him yeah one and only one piece of paper must be shown to the public that's your that's a big clue one piece of paper this whole the whole solution to this revolves around them only seeing one piece of paper oh no it's not oh oh is it something of like you if you like swallow the piece of paper at all the only way of course they'll be like well we have the other piece of paper to tell and when they got to show that Wait a while Wait a while

That would be amazing if the king's like No no no no no Don't show them that paper In the next day you eat it again Everyone's standing inside Every day you re-eat the paper I do want to see a scene And you got the answer

The answer is you eat one of the pieces of paper Very quickly They are forced to show the remaining piece of paper If they show the piece of paper That's remaining that says guilty You have to assume that you ate the piece of paper That said innocent so you are You actually got it by eating it

I do think Joey's right Right, where it's like any sort of monarch is going to be like, we'll simply, like, Vlad Dian Pailor's like, cut the man open. Like, what do we? I do want to see a scene. JBC, you are a, you are the king of the land. Joey and Aaron, you are a sort of duo who's been sentenced to death, but you're like a vaudeville couple and you're trying to stall. This makes sense, right? Yeah.

This ain't no more. JCPy, you're the king of Peoria. Yeah. And this is a, you're trying to stall your death. As we all know, it is illegal in this land punishable by death. Death. Yes, yeah. People are ready for death.

To dance in the king's dance hall. You too have been convicted, fairly. Everybody saw it was fair in the court of the king, and you are to be put to death. As is our custom, I give you last words. So if you have any last words, you may speak them now. Hmm. Hmm.

You said punishable. Your words. Yes. You're to be executed. Yes. Yeah. Well, gets it. So it sounds like you want us to do puns?

what we're only telling you what we're only telling you what we heard from your own mouth your majesty wait what is this what's going on what is this did i say puns you there the person of the crowd was enthusiastic did i say puns death i think that might be a bird Most people do like a prayer or something. Not to tell you how to do your last words, but... Hmm. Didn't... Hold on.

Hold on. If these are the last words, I can speak in my entire life, take me please away from my wife. But... But... Wait. Is my husband going to be in the afterlife? Oh, brother.

Okay, this rules Does it? Let him finish All right, the bird's right I like where this is going Oh good I hope the after life Has the baseball game

Because he'll complain of it Doesn't it? The wife isn't rhyming The wife's not right This almost feels like a routine Right Oh I hope my sister's there Because who's he got a flirt with

It has the delivery of jokes Workshop shopping Moving on from this life Oh, that'd be swell I can't wait to go wherever's next Because I'm living in hell I love baseball So what is the Vonville routine

Are you part of the routine Hey, hey take it easy We're just pitching here We're just pitching I love baseball You do one now I'll catch whatever you throw at me next What the fuck could that mean? All right here's the second wife

Second one, you ask for this punishment. What? Here's what we'll do. You weren't killing you. Oh, okay, as long as I get to go to heaven. Give. Do I, I'm looking at my nights at the backer. Do I not get the joke or him?

He's good. Knock, knock. Okay, here we go. You're going to like this. A knock, knock. Who's there? You go who? You go who?

No, you, you, you, you. start the joke you say it okay kill her you've already supposed to give where's the sword I'll do it you go

you start the joke hey why don't everyone why don't you go take a little break and we'll be right back I need to redo it that scene hey I think so we'll be right back

with a little more hey riddle riddle oh brother I've done it. JBC Aaron, I've done it. I found a way... What this time? For the three of us, specifically just the three of us, to breathe in space. Does that make sense?

Casey walks away, kicking rocks, hands and pockets. Sorry, buddy, maybe next time. Oh, boy. You know what? I feel bad. I feel bad that Casey's not going to be able to breathe in space. What if we do this? What if we pull our money and, like, get him in on what whatever technology adult is going to unveil to us. What if we just pull our money and buy a most subscription to Rocket Money? That's more useful, right?

Oh, yeah, Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your own wanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money, why didn't I think of that? In Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. I've been using Rocket Money long before they were a sponsor. I love it.

It helps me keep track of my spending and it will send me alerts if there's a big spend. And then it will also put them in all these really beautiful color-coded categories. Very satisfying. Yeah, look, I have Casey's bank information here. Of course, we all do. Look what he's paying for. He's paying for Sleep Monthly Magazine. What is that?

Oh, my God. He subscribes to every other Riddle podcast but ours. Oh, my God. You should sleep daily. You should not be... That's way too little sleep. And also, Rocket Money makes it easy to save for goals, like if you want to save up enough money to breathe in space.

Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside. And Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to. That's a great deal. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals

faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash riddle today. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Casey, good news. You can't breathe in space. I don't know how to deliver news. But we can eat's little fish. $28 for hot editors weekly.

I should be daily too. I get that one too. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, did you get it? Did you get it on camera? No, sorry, I wasn't recording. No, me neither. Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick. I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail, the exact same way every time, and I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose. Adel and Aaron make eye contact. Wink, wink, week.

No. Well, of course. we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace. Yeah, we're using Squarespace. For all your goofs and slips and gags. It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website,

grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body. Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase. your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times upload and organize your videos create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall perfect for online courses exclusive tutorials and premium workshops and videos of jpc falling gracefully but all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face it's like reaction shots because you have the camera

turned the wrong way well that's because we've been using square space is analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive, built-in analytics tools. We can review website traffic. We've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learned where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what? I don't care. I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make. I think the content is going to stand on its own. own. I think I'm going to be successful. And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. JPC, why don't you do a flip ollie over that bookcase? Okay. I'll try it one more time. Take 100.

Yeah. Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore. Uh-oh. It doesn't hurt anymore. Oh, boy. Oh, I like it less. I'm jealous much, new coat, new shirt, new pants. Adel, you didn't get those from the emperor, did you? No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes. I knew it, and everyone says he was, and I knew he wasn't. I felt like I knew he wasn't. Interesting, now my experience with the emperor, his clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic. They look like very expensive. That must have cost you an arm and a leg. Uh, no. Actually, we don't pay with limbs. We pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money. This is from Quince, my good lady. I love quince. Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear nonstop, like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Touch, please, touch. Starting at just $60. That's bonkers. $60? Their denim is durable and fits right. In their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevator. price tag. I have sheets from Quince. I got a skirt from Quince. I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy? That's clearly like some hard his little brother, like Nathan Levi's cousin or something. Taller younger brother. And what makes Quince different? Well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen. So you get top tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands. And middlemen are flipping out about it. I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot, tearing the hair out of his head he was so mad at Quince. Is he okay? No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie. I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather. It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your, your summer clothes. It's, it's awesome. It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe. And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall. just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute and I'm excited. I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color. Come back to me. Come back to me. Sounds good, friends, puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash riddle.

Addle, I have got Aaron on a joke website I'm about to sell her chocolate boots I think she's gonna walk around I'm yum yum yum yum I will stay and watch this MAMAM Eats them like Cookie Monster This show is sponsored by BetterHelp

Guys I need to find a better solution than what I've been using I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth That it's like free advice for five cents She's being like really mean to me And then I tried to like kick a football

and she moved it and went, are you joking that it's so embarrassing? And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward. I need to find a better solution. Oh, Erin, you can't be doing that. You got to do what I do. You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option. Oh, yeah, okay. Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic. Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp. Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over five million people globally. It's convenient as well. You can join a session with a therapist

at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume, plus switch therapists at any time. And Better Helps, quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. They're not going to move the football on you, Aaron. Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back. In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences in their 10 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first

time. And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist any time to your tailored needs whenever, whenever. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash riddle. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash riddle. Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah. It's me. I'm in the booth. I'm in the booth. Nice one. Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time. I'm going to let her have it this time. I'm a letter to have it.

Hey, Adel, hey, Aaron. Can I tell you something that I'm kind of like ashamed of? Yeah, of course, always. When I was a kid, all of my two brothers, all of our birthdays are within a month, and it's all around Christmas time. So we used to just get, like, Christmas birthday gifts, and sometimes we would just get, like, combo gifts together. And I would always tell my brothers that we could pull all of our money together and just get one big Lego. And then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself. How do you put together one big Lego?

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block. I mean, you didn't really understand finances. You didn't have anything like Acorns Early when you were growing up. So how are you supposed to know? He, he, hey, kids, it's me. Birthday Santa. Birthday Santa? That's right.

You're real? Yes. And I want to tell you about Acorns Early, which is something JBC. It sounds like you and your brothers wish you had. Yeah, we could have used. Yeah, absolutely. Acorn's Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up. Oh, so cool. You can start with in-app chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early. Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence. Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control. And, I mean, I would have loved having this growing up. I would know way more about money than I do right now. Right, right. I mean, but I'm like a newer thing. Like, I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas.

I understand. But all kids' kids. But anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for whose change, quarters, et cetera. But these days, there's so much more that kids need to know about money. He-he-he-Hikorns Early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world. And I love the Acorns Early app. I've played around in here. My kid's a little too young to start right now because they're kind of like a little toddler.

But I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a, you know, person that exists in the world nowadays. Well, I'm a person that exists in the world. Who said I wasn't? Yeah, no. Anyway, if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save and spend, get your first month on us. when you head to AcornsEarly.com slash Hay Riddle or download the Acorns Early app. That's one month free when you sign up at AcornsEarly.com slash hey riddle. Acorns Early card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank, member FDIC pursuant to licensed by MasterCard International.

Free trial to new subscribers only subscription fee starting for $5 per month and less canceled. Terms apply to acorns.com slash early terms. He, he, he! Ooh, Santa needs to lay down. I mean, birthday Santa needs to lay down. Love whatever your thing is, man. Don't stress. Oh, he, he, ho.

Okay, we are back, and we're going to do some riddles now that were submitted. This actually, it's kind of like a riddled game. It's a game within a game that it was submitted by Elvis Brown, they, them. Elvis Brown has presented sets of riddles. Oh, God. And in each set. Oh, God. in each set

one of the riddles is a real riddle with a real answer I think that they say it's like it's a real bad riddle and the other riddle is a decoy riddle

that is just like nonsense and doesn't have an answer oh so you have a two part job here first part is to pick which riddle

is the real one which one's the fake one and then to solve the real riddle cool okay so here's your first set of riddles and just to be clear

the red herring has no answer there's no hell i bet we could scratch your brains and kind of come up with one but i think i think that on purpose they're just supposed to be it's supposed to have it's like aaron's vaudeville act where it's got the hold on that was perfect it's got the essence of vaudeville but it doesn't necessarily my wife it's vaudeville shaped so if we can if we can solve one it's probably the true riddle that's correct that's a good way to know so here's your first set what is always on its way but never arrives oh that's your first that's your first riddle and your second one is what

is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven? I know the answer to the first one. And it must be real. What is always on its way, but never arises tomorrow? The future, or the future? Yeah, that would be

I guess an answer to the riddle that is listed as the fake riddle. No. What's the other one? But that is like an acceptable answer to that fake riddle. Yeah, that's tomorrow never rise. What's the other one? So the other one's supposed to be real? The other one has an answer. It makes tears.

What is it? What is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven? Halapinos? Angel onions. Angel onions. Angel onions. Angel onions. It is not angel onions.

It's not jalapenos. It makes tears. Tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven. The journey to heaven is the one that the onions and the jalapinos. A balloon, a child to let go of. yes that is a is that an acceptable answer or like if a balloon the balloon that's going to be crying yeah but that's sorrow

maybe he's crying from joy he's crying from joy he's crying from joy he was abused by a balloon his balloon was his new stepdad and he's happy to see him it's young Isaac Newton and he's like uh buoyancy it works I do think I want to see a scene we're going to see a scene where um Joey you're going to be playing Aaron's mother, you're introducing Aaron to her new stepdad

and it's Adel and you're a balloon with like a face drawn on it. Hey, yeah. And just very quickly, I just need to say. Yeah. There could be some sort of, I don't know, minor league sports scene that's like the Santa Fe Angel onions or the Montgomery, Alabama

Balloon Stepdads. Did we solve that really? Just putting it out. No. Oh, okay. It wasn't so far away. This happened so often on show that we'll do a scene and then he'll start reading the riddle again and I'll go, fuck. Okay. I just wasn't sure if he had said balloons

will, is acceptable. Balloons is not acceptable but it is an acceptable scene and I do want to see it. Great, yeah, it makes sense. Hey Kelly, can you come in here please? Uh, yeah, I'm just finishing up my homework. What's up? Remember how cool? You're dressed nice. Thank you. You're welcome.

Well, that's not by accident. Um, I'm going out to dinner with Max. You remember I talked about Max? Yeah, you He was on that dating app? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's right.

And, you know, we've seen each other once or twice, and I think it's time that you meet Max. Okay, but I'm so sorry, your track record with some of these guys has been a little... I know. Well, first off, I don't need you to tell me how to date. Oh, I know, of course.

But you're not wrong. You're not wrong. I trust you. And I just, I'm going to ask this, and it's going to sound so condescending. But is this, I'm sorry. It's not. Kelly. An object with a face on it.

It's not like a mock with googly eyes. Kelly. My ears are burning. Well. You get it. Hi. Is he at the door? Is that him?

He's right here. Here he is. Up here. Look up. That's the sound that makes when I rub the back of his head. Okay. Now your hair's all staticky. It's nice to meet you, Max.

This is Max. This is Kelly. Enchante. I know what you're thinking. He's so. so tall. Kidding. He's a balloon with a face run on us. Mom, can I talk to you for a second? Of course. I'm sorry, Max. I told you this might happen, but my daughter comes first.

Hey, no worries. I respect your boundaries. It's not that he's a balloon with a face on it. He works at my school. Mama. Wait. He worked at my school. Everyone's going to make men of me. He's a guidance counselor. He told me that. He's the happy balloon at our school at the hand kids with her having gone through a hard time. Well, no. I think this is a great opportunity, Kelly. God. He's so sweet and he's so funny. No wonder they hand him to kids when they're upset. Better deflate than never.

All right. See? Close the window. Close the window. Close the window. Close the window. Close the window. We cut to Kelly's school. Watch your step, Kelly. There's some sawdust on the ground because someone got sick and I'm just cleaning it up. Okay. Hey, when's that mom of yours going to get off her high horse and give me a second date? Oh, she's moved on. What?

Sorry, sorry, mop with googly eyes that also worked in my school. My name's Mr. Jameson. I'm sorry, Mr. Jameson. Sorry, Mr. Jameson. And it's not Googly eyes. That is a really reductive way to describe someone's eyes. Okay, well, you're a mop with eyes. Eyes, thank you.

Okay, fine. Googly unnecessary. My mom, obviously, you guys had a sexual connection or something. Well, I don't mean to speak out of school, but I am. then don't quite a mop Right She seems really in love I got a little extra handle

If you know what I'm saying But um A lot of mops A little bit shorter You don't have to do this You don't understand Get to class No if you

If you happen to have something sharp Though I think that the runway Would kind of clear For you to go back into her life But you didn't hear that for me You're talking about fucking killing somebody? No I'm not talking about killing somebody

You know popping a balloon With a face drawn on it Would kill the balloon right And we cut to the gun counselor so mr jeminson said you wanted to kill me no i didn't say that he has a recording i think you underestimate what inanimate objects with faces can do i wish i went to a real school so bad well this place is so haunted i hate it here i'm not getting a good education at all this is a real school okay your grades do transfer all right well my teacher is a ruler and i know what you're

thinking hey i did i get bonked on the head and i'm in a coma i asked you Except every day. I also ask if the school got struck by lightning and there was a curse put on it. Listen, your mom is hiding in the closet. She has something, well, we both have something important to tell you, which is... I will freak out if you're having a balloon baby. I'm pregnant. No!

Pop! Was it mine? I feel like she can hear it. I feel like she can hear us. You're definitely to come on. Oh, God. That would legitimately, Aaron. What is the answer to that riddle?

That would kill the balloon. That would not hold up in a quarter of a lot, by the way. Tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven. Tears with, and balloon was close or no? Is it human tears? We're definitely talking about human tears. Yeah, it would definitely make your eyes water. Balloon, I think, was not close.

Smoke. Aaron, it's smoke. Whoa. Yeah, because it rises. Mm-hmm. All right, give me another one. Aaron, you're ready for you another one? Yeah, I would get that one off me.

Okay, so that one didn't quite work out because you immediately came up to a pretty plausible answer to the first fake riddle, but let's try a second. The second set. Here you go. The second set is, I rise and fall no matter what. Only at finals rest do I not budge. What am I?

That's your first one. I rise and fall without rest? I rise and fall no matter what. No matter what. Only at finals rest do I not budge, what am I? And then the next one is, I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe yet I do all three

what am I all three I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe yet I do all three what's three that's two things yeah could drive a fella crazy yeah so remember the first one go

rises and falls rises all no matter what it seems like too on the nose to be like only at final rest do not budge like at final rest is that like death and then you rise and fall because it's like you're uh

like uh beep beep oh yeah oh yeah that's your EKG the coma machine they call them coma machines that's right

this guy's all jeopardy and you think it's an EKG well the Smith's call them it yeah I'd like to see a scene I would say that that that coma machine slash EKG I think works

pretty well for this riddle answer It's not the one that they said. But they do have an answer to that one. And the other one is just completely. Yeah, you got that. The other one is like, here's two verbs. Now we say three.

Yeah. Isn't like a, I thought it was going to be a clever. JPC, you are a head surgeon and Adel, you're a nurse that's scrubbing in. And there's been like a technology breakdown. So you've got one of the interns to do, be the EKG played by Joey. And you're doing, you're a little nervous. So we've got the rest of the situation figured out because of the blackout. We have candles, obviously.

and enough, you know, light in here. I think everyone has enough light in here. Beep. Great. The one thing that we don't have is a working, and you don't have to start yet. Oh, sorry. I was just feeling the pulse.

No, great. Flatline. Dr. Flatline. No, no, I'm sorry. No, it's still BB. Oh, it's still, but we just, because this is kind of the pre-surgery. This is like Amish surgery.

Huh? I'm. That's offensive. Are you Amish? I'm Mennonite. Mennonite surgery, please. Men at night. Well, that's what we're all here doing

What are you talking about? Hey, guys, I'm a head surgeon and this guy's head is like pretty much fucked. Well, he got punched by the knockout machine, Mike Tyson. Yeah, so we have to really focus up here. Look at his head. Ben, that's not your job. I'm sorry. Okay?

You're supposed to be looking at his heart. Yeah. So Ben's going to do... Do you want a regular beep or do you want me just every, every now and again? Oh, I need regular. Yeah, but... I could just save it for if he goes out. If he goes out, then I can give you a... Oh, no, that's it. Doctor, could I do a fun one? I have perfect pitch.

Let me get it up. Beep. Let me get it. What, whoa. That's Arkelly. We can't. Oh, right, right. We can't, yeah.

We can't, yeah, that was really offensive. I'm Mennonite. I'm a Mennonite. I'm a Mennonite. You can't say R. Kelly to a Mennonite. What are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing?

I just. Okay, that's actually an interesting point. We actually don't need, like, all of the beeps. If you want to just give us the important beeps, like, beeps of things change. Yeah. Okay. You got it.

You got it. Right, because, like, put an emphasis on the beep. So if everything's fine, be like, beep, like casual. Speeding up. Oh, and now that's your, okay. That means we got to hurry. Oh, no. We never have to hurry.

We never have to hurry. Let's take our time. You don't want to rush head surgery. Yeah, because, oh, yeah, blood rushes to the head. So if we rush to the surgery, obviously, you know, pretty disastrous. Also, it's a real honor to be in here with you guys. I know I'm just an intern. That's, yeah, you know, we all have to start somewhere.

Yeah. Yeah. Glenn was an intern once. Yeah. That's right. Did you ever have to be a machine? I want to say yes, but I haven't. I feel like this is the first time.

I don't know when is a good time to say this, but I am awake. Good. Oh. Oh, you're confused because it's nighttime and you're awake. That's okay. No, no. We're just doing surgery at nighttime. I just, I, it's kind of a breakfast for dinner situation.

I thought, I originally came in. My head really hurt so bad. Yeah. And I fell asleep and then you guys were talking and I heard you and I don't want to be impolite to interrupt you guys. No. Oh, you must be so confused. There's so many candles.

You must think you're in like a meatloaf music video. Or like a John Hughes film. Or like a John Hughes. No, I've been in a meatloaf music video. Which one? Paradise on the Dashwood. Honestly, if I had just from looking at you, I would have guessed meatloaf music video and not John Hughes film.

Can you put me under, please? What's that? Can you put me under? We can't do that because there's been a blackout. Yeah. So we have to keep you awake. But we're going to track your heart. Yeah, I'm tracking your heartbeat.

Yeah. If you think there's anything I should tell them, it's okay to tell me. Okay, so I tell you and then you tell them. If you want. I'm kind of tracking it anyway. Actually, that's really great because your heart can't lie. So if you want to tell him anything that's going on with your heart. Your hips can't lie.

Okay. I'm confused because you're touching her hips. She's asleep. I'm sorry. Oh, we didn't even have her count back from 10. Ooh. Baby, baby, baby. It's a wild world.

Easy. There's so many songs start with ooh. Yeah. Ooh, baby, I love you. Oh, yeah. That's what I was thinking. Okay, so yeah, you landed on the, I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three, and that is fake. So the one that you're looking for is I rise and fall no matter what.

Only at final rest do I not budge. What am I? Elevator. Oh. Interesting. Yep, elevator could work too. A rise and fall no matter. It's not elevator.

That's not what we're looking for. EKG machine works as well. Tide. The baton, a conductor's baton. Ooh. The final rest. That's fantastic. We're done.

That works. This is more something that I will say everyone has. Not everyone has, but I guess like. Marionette. Yeah, I don't want to be like. You heard me. Yeah, what was it they gave it away? When I said everyone has it was like, no, not everyone has.

I think there's a couple of people. A diary. A diary. I think most people are like, Actually, I don't even know if most people are... I would say most people have these. A majority of people have these. Lungs. Is it something...

Is it like a body part? It's like a body part, yeah. Rises and falls. Tongue? No matter what, only at final rest do I not budge. Lodge? I think there's like a lot of like... Yes, there's like a lot of body parts

that this would apply to. Yeah, like eyelids. Lips. Is final rest dead or sleeping? Final rest would be dead. Yeah. Yeah. But there are people that believe.

That every time you go to sleep, you die, and a new you wakes up in the morning. Like the prestige. You would never know. It's just like the prestige. The illusionist. I try to guess like Addle every time these movies go. It's just like the illusionist.

You're thinking of Jessica Beale. Edward Norton. It's not eyelids. It's not, but it's not. You guys basically. Lips. I don't even know. It's the rising, it's not the, it's not the, it's not, it's not, it's not, what did you say?

It's not breathing? No, it's not breathing. No, it's not breathing. the body parts we all got them feet it's feet it's feet

oh boo yeah yeah I mean yeah I mean yeah let's do the next one here you go

here's your third set of these riddles god another set I preferred the one that didn't have an answer that's on a much more intriguing to be like you only gave two things

and there's a third one I love it yeah that have been cool maybe we'll have another one that you can't answer that you like more although I'm not an insect some people found me very difficult to exterminate.

They called me something like insane priest. The first half of my name means the same as scrape. And my last three letters are a metal. Who am I? And then we have... That one has to be fake. I'm begging that one to be fake. Rip steel.

Throw me off the highest building and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean and I will leave a grieving wife. Piece of paper. A piece of married paper A piece of married paper A piece of wedding paper Throw me off a building And I won't break

Throw your voice off the building Do we have, do we have, so what are our guesses For which one is the fake one? I hope the first one's a fake one Man, that first one has a lot going on Okay Because the second one paper is Why would paper leave a grieving life

Because it would disintegrate in the water Cause paper kills Water kills paper But if you drop paper from a building It doesn't it valuable station You know how women Always be crying over paper is that your that's your words well i would say assume that a piece paper is married to another piece of paper

this is a married piece of paper okay um i want to see a scene we got to see a scene joey hold on hold on joey and erin you are both going to be playing pieces of paper vaudeville pieces of paper oh come on you've just been stapled together great Aaron you think that that means that you're married great and that's that's what we'll take it from there where should we do christmas Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I was thinking maybe, I don't know, maybe your family's house. Do you have, like, Christmas traditions that you guys are really big on?

Look, I don't know. We don't really celebrate Christmas much in my family. You do whatever you want. You do whatever you want. Okay, I'll go with you. I'll go with you. Takeo, tick, tick, tick, tick, take it, takea, take it. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey. I think we need to take this out. Um, what? Outside. A date? Oh, my God. We're good, we're good, we're good, we're good, we're going to. God. We should go. Where should we go?

Okay. Yeah, let's go outside. Let's go outside. Let's go outside. I love it. Okay. I was thinking for the nursery, maybe green. You're coming? Hey, listen. We got stapled by accident. Wait, what do you mean? I'm a phone bill. Wait, no. No, no. You're a birthday card. We don't belong together. Some kid stapled us together for no reason, okay? Just because staples are fun. I think that's beautiful.

I think that's fake. Don't stare. It's just a phone bill on a birthday card. Don't stare. Why not? It's interesting. Okay, well, you know what? I think any piece of paper can fall in love

with any piece of paper. And if you only gave me a chance, I'm a really cute birthday card. It says, over the hill. Happy 40th birthday. And then in it, someone said, I love you, Pete. thank you

for your friendship well that's that's really sweet that's really sweet but I'm not a romantic okay I'm August I'm August Verizon yeah I get it

and yeah no couple has ever enriched each other's lives or one is an emotional right brain type and the other is logic you're right I don't deal with being forced into this

okay maybe if we'd met under normal circumstances but we're pierced together You know what you should do, Pete? Yeah, yeah. Since you know he's cheating, you should get him a 40th birthday card and staple the fucking phone bill into the birthday card. Smart.

That's so smart. And then give it to him. That's what I'll do. Here you're over the hill. He'll see the Verizon bill and he'll know that you know. Yes. That's genius. Perfect trap.

All right. Yes, yes, it is my birthday. You don't have to get me anything. Busted. Cheating ass. Hey, I got a good explanation for this. Oh, yeah? What?

Yeah. This gun. Oh, no. Back off. Don't do anything rash. Calm down. Just calm down. Wait, what's that?

What's that phone bill? And birthday card? Oh, no. The 40th birthday card jumped in front of the gun to protect the phone bill. Blam! Oh, I'm shot. Wait. No, the birthday card.

I am shot. It's just paper. It goes through. Hold on, hold on. I can't operate on this birthday card. I'm a head surgeon. Now, Joey, August Verizon, that's Tennessee Williams? Yeah.

My name is August Veras. Tennessee Williams' one-act play. August's Horace. The, throw me off the highest building on an outbreak. Put me in the notion, I'll leave a grieving wife. It's not real. It's that's fake. That one's fake.

Oh, so reread that crazy one. I'm going to give you the crazy one again. That's the busiest riddle. it's busy it's busy and I will say that this answer has like it is leading you to a proper noun like it's a specific thing

yeah the three the three letters that spell a metal is it tin yes Rasputin it's Rasputin Aaron Raspitin thank you It says And famously Rasputin

Shot several times for birthday card Lived drowned Not made a paper series survived. Although I'm not innocent, some people found me very difficult to exterminate. They called me something like the insane priest. The first half of my name means the same as scrape and my last three letters are in metal. Here's the thing. That's barely even a riddle. That's just like historical fact. It's like historical fact. Rebus, the things where it's like a bunch of pictures

right, right. Is that a Rebus? Oh, she had a sitcom. Rebus Macatown. I'd like to see a scene. Joe, you are Rasputin and you are going into your regular dive bar after everyone thinks you're dead and you're a little smug about it. Okay. One vodka place. Holy shit.

Yeah, no. We have one vodka for... What the fuck? For Rasputin. No doubt you're noticing the bullet holes. No. We didn't...

No. I have been shot. I've been shot. So you know, so you see them. Oh, I know. Didn't they cut off your yen, yes? Oh, yes. Here it is.

Whoa! Clock! All right. Oh, you can pay with penises now? No, no president for paying with penis. The size of that, you can pay for... Hold on, it's not... It can't be my size.

I'm specie by, special. Yeah, well, I'll put this. We'll pickle this. We'll get this on ice or... Pickle it on the menu? Pickle it. Pickle it now for his store. Let it go from museum to museum.

forever. Josiah, why are you always peckling everything? I just cut... I have a spider. Pickle it. I have pickles. What am I supposed to do? I have brine. What else is Brian good for? Hey, Rasputin. We weren't celebrating a death. Takes down. Banner.

Mission accomplished? I see now. I see now. You have told on yourself. No! No, no. We hate We hate honest. You do not like me, the mad monk. No, no. We love it. Is I doubt her at your party? It's not good enough to hang out with you guys,

and so you stab me, poison me, put bullets in me, throw me into icy lake? When he stands up, it always looks like he's on, like, ten ladders. He's so tall. I like the icy lake. When he stands up, it's that Looney Tunes thing where, like, water comes out of all the holes. That what thing? Looney Tunes.

We have Looney Tunes. Surely we have Looney Tunes, right? I've seen the future. I don't think we have Loonitunes quite yet. While all right around the corner. I kind of, Lunditans is my name for my little drawings that I do. You know, they're crazy. What's the mouse with the hat?

Tell us more about that one. His name is Goofy. Goofy. We're running out of my stairs on how to kill you, Rasputa. Let's try this. Simon says die. I will now abide, do not obey Simon. Maybe we try killing Rasputon with kindness.

Rasputin, you're looking so good, man. And still I live. Yeah, damn. I cannot be killed. Instead of celebrating my death, you should celebrate my life. I am the spirit of, as we Russians say, Joad de Vee. He just took a drink. It takes.

Poison. Poison, piss. You drank poison piss. I like piss when it's poisoned or unpoisoned. There's no way to kill me, you fools, you fools. Look, look, I take my own penis and stab myself in the eyeball. It tickles. I think we really would just want to be done with Rasputin.

we all just poison ourselves and we like kind of like regroup in heaven or hell don't do that guy you're my only friends oh that's beautiful oh man yeah

oh yeah we what's up doc big anvil falls what's up doc falls off a cliff holds up a sign well you guys did a really great job with that

and by you guys I mean I don't got that last one so congratulations Yeah, you really knocked that out of the park. Well done. You got that rest beating one dead set. Now, I will say, now that I saw that I do like that. Oh, come on.

Only the smartest of brain. Thank you to Elvis for submitting that. And that brings us to my favorite part of the show, the part where we kind of plug some stuff. Joey, what do you have to plug and where can people find you? Listen to the like minds podcast if you like, if you like, yeah, if you like bridge troll level trivia questions. that sometimes are as convoluted as Elvis's Rasputin riddle

we release new episodes every Wednesday anywhere you listen to podcasts please follow, rate and review all that stuff also I perform the Infresh Shakespeare Company we're on the road regularly you can find out Improvise Shakespeare.com we do regular shows in L.A. and we travel the country.

It's so good if you haven't seen it. Also I can't recommend both things enough they're so good. We had a battle and I went on like minds and had a fan fantastic time. Yeah, you've been on a podcast. You're looking for a place to start, listen to Aaron and I's episode. Also, Matt and Arney did.

Already out there. Yeah, they did. They sure did. Gone. What do we have to plug? We can go listen to bonus episodes on the Patreon every Friday. And we have gum shoes and dragons. Every other Monday.

Every other Monday. I believe right now we have maybe two or three episodes out at this point. And then come see us on tour. Hey, riddle.com. We're going to be in places in October and November. And Adel. An Addle. Yep.

I had one final thing to play. which is um you know how i like to go to like for stores antiques stores yeah i found this um an old vaudeville duo oh my god i'd love to hear this uh audio to tape and it's just you have to listen to it it's just you don't hear this kind of humor let me just press play yeah i'd let's take us up hey who's on who's on who's out there who do i think you mean what Oh, my husband. What a nightmare. He doesn't do the dishes and he doesn't make my lunch.

Oh, you could eat a sandwich if you did anything else with your mouth other than flap those jaws. Oh, brother. Oh, sister. We're siblings and we're married. What reason it never worked out? A knock, knock. Can't turn us off. No use start.

Would you believe they recorded in separate rooms? Knock, knock. That's who's here. Cupidter. See you later, guys. That does sound like two people who have to just guess what the other person said 18 years before. Oh, gosh, that's a fucking funny. Casey Tony did the editing.

Have already parents in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily. Hey, Riddle, Rickle, Ritchell. Hey, there, Denny's and Deborah's. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's a return, after four years, to the Disney Twins. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Such, Hey, Riddle, by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month,

or start your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get this out of free episodes. See you there. That was a HeadGum podcast.