Hey Riddle Riddle - #389: Best of 2025 Part 2

Episode Date: December 31, 2025

It's a ClipShowsmas miracle! A part 2 of our annual best of show!Also, we have released audio of all fourteen 2025 liveshows for purchase on our PatreonStarring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of the network of fish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice cream. And the horse of things Friday. it's beginning to look a lot like part two part two of the best of show we did this last week

we did this last week and we're doing it again we're doing the same thing again Do you guys have a favorite Christmas song? Oh, Holy Night? Really? It's a slow one. I love Oh, Holy Night. Every rendition, Celine Dion, Nat King Cole. I also love the, well, it's not Christmas anymore now that this part two is out, but I do like the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album.

I like Shaken Stevens. Merry Christmas, everyone. Which is a divisive Christmas song, I'll say. I've had people get mad at me that that's one of my favorite Christmas songs. I also enjoy Christmas Time and Hollis by Run DMC. I feel like it's just a really delightful Christmas song. I know people are going to jump down my throat for this, but my favorite Christmas song is Merry Christmas by the Hans Gruber band. It's a Christmas song.

It's a song that takes place at Christmas. It's a Christmas song. It's on the CD with Nakatomi Plaza Rock. Well, anyways. Nakat told me not to come. And here's part two of the best of. The first big chunk of the episode is from our main feed. And then there's some stuff at the end that's from our Patreon because that's fun too.

And we like to have fun no matter where we go. And if you're interested in having a free week of our Patreon, if you're running out of things to do this time of year, the link will be in our bio for that. If you want to give us a shot, it would mean a lot. And we do have to give the biggest gift of all, which is a big thank you to Aaron Keefe for putting these together. Oh, thanks, Adel. I'm my least favorite comedian. I can't stand the sound of my own voice. But I do think you guys are still funny, and that's a great sign.

Just as an example of some of the stuff that we love to put in the Patreon, it's things like... Last night I called myself the dumbest bitch in school. You know? I think you still got it. Yeah. And then like things like... Fisting a horse, of course. So, you know, obviously join the Patreon and get some of these classic bits that you won't find anywhere else.

This isn't really... I do call myself dumb a lot. This past weekend, anytime I did something even remotely impressive, I went not bad for a dumb girl. So, I don't know. I think maybe I need to be gentler with myself, yes. Can you change dumb to a different adjective that also describes you, but is not as negative? So the next time you want to, like, be self-deprecating, can you say tall? Like, can you say tall girl?

Stupid. Well, hold on. Lateral move. Idiot girl. Okay. She's all of me tall. Don't hit it. And obviously, before.

we get into this and end this intro, Aaron, let's go ahead and press the button where JPC says something crazy. Okay. And press. Absolutely wasn't right. Ooh, mommy, horny. Yuck.

Is it something that was the first one that I saw in a panic and it kind of worked out? No, the one that I use all the time is, okay, slay mama. And that's just one, that's just one that I now, it's part of my vernacular. I'll say slay mama all the time at home.

I love that. Morning. Mama. A lot of mom and mommy. A lot, hey, a lot of mom and mommy stuff with me. And what's some stuff with you? And that's the, and isn't that the reason for the season? Maybe you're at home. You have some quiet time for recollection and kind of think about what kind of makes you tick and take that into 2026 with you. Yeah. Maybe be gentle with yourself. Maybe take it easy. You know what? I think that New Year's resolutions are best started in February. So. Okay. And that is great advice from the tallest idiot I know.

Aww. Happy to year! One deep for hate to break to break on.

Oh shit Aaron. Addle. This is crazy. I just got a letter in the mail that says that we're eligible

for a podcast award. Oh, what's it say? What's it saying? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's happening.

Whoa. Okay. It's finally happening. Okay, you have been nominated for Best Podcasts at the, oh, what? It says it's a U-N. War Crimes Tribunal. Whoa, finally. Who are we up against? Whoa, it's written in blood.

Cool. Oh, it says we're up against the wall, motherfucker. Does that make sense? Oh, Pink Floyd? I guess they must have started a podcast. I know David Gilmore. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Okay, well, let's just skip to the part about the prize.

Okay, now this is fun. What's it say? A public. So I don't know how big that means, but public. That's pretty cool for us. Execution. Ooh. Are you sure it's not a pubic execution?

You know what? I'm reading it now, and no, it is not. Pubic exhibition, I think it says. Okay, you're jumping ahead, Aaron. That's the next piece of mail. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that one's done, though. That's cool.

I'll apply for that. Or it says it's mandatory anyway, so it doesn't matter. Well, this is all good, all news is good news. All news is good news. Aaron put her head in her hand as soon as she said, all news is good news to the notice that we got mail for a, what was Aaron, a pubic inspection? Something like that. Anyways, welcome to Hey, Riddle Riddle. That's Addle over there.

Hi. Leave hello, Adel. Hello. He's on that side of the fence and JPC is over there on his side of the fence. Oh, woo, on my side of the fence. And that's Aaron and she's riding the middle. Centrist, baby. No opinions one way or the other.

Or if you're, uh, what's her name? I almost said Bobbitt, but that's a different person. This is a woman who went to Beetlejuice and got real handsy. Oh, Lauren Bobert. Bobert. Yeah. Good for her. Live life as a hypocrite.

That's the way to go. Live moss. Live moss. Absolutely live mop. Get and give a hand stuff at Petal Juice, the musical tour. That's what I all say. Give and receive hand stuff. Please put that on like a two-by wooden sign and sell it like a Marshalls of the Home Groups.

You know, I'm to ask me twice. Erin and Adel, you are chaperones. vampire prom and you're trying to like keep the vampires from doing anything to untoward vampire prom. Um, yeah, uh, Michael, Michael's my boy. Oh, well, he's very sweet. Thank you. Unlike my boy who turned into a bat.

I don't know where he went. I mean, that's, I feel like, you know, the minute they sort of suss out that ability is just morning, noon, and night, bat, bat, bat, bat, bat. It's disgusting. I can hear him turning into a, a bat at all hours. It's disgusting. I've had to do so much laundry because my Michael keeps turning into a bat and then pooping into his sock. It's a lot of guano in his sock. Hey, hey. Two feet apart. No next. No next. And no, let's not put any booze in the blood, okay? Because that'll, I mean,

these kids. Yeah. I think, I mean, I'm not the one organizing these dances. I'll, I'll, admit, I'm not showing up to these PTA meetings. But should we have had this be a mixer with the local school for children with too much blood? I know, and I know I'm not an expert of these things. Yeah, I, and I got to say, it feels like, and I don't, this isn't an accusation. No, yeah. It feels like they're mocking us. That school feels like they're mocking us, because they are the fighting too much bloods.

Um, their mascot is someone fit to burst. It's almost like a Willy Wonka role doll situation of like, um, who was the girl that filled up with all that blueberry juice? Uh, Veruca salt. Veruca, no, no, no, no. Violet Borgard. That's right. That's right.

So it does feel like the school is mocking us, but probably, I mean. Yeah, it's like they're, I mean, like, obviously we are trying to encourage our kid, but like, they're setting us up for failure here. Yes. Michael has been biting Capri Sons. He's been biting squeeze-its just to get in the habit. But I feel like he needs his first kill or he's going to go crazy. Hey, hey. Blah, blah. You have to be invited in. You can't just walk in. You can't just walk in. Do you go here? You're like 20. You're like 20 years old. I mean, sorry, you're like 2000. 20. Vampire years is 2000. Blah. See.

Oh, I said scene. I said scene, but I said it in vampire, which is just blah. Oh. Blah. Blah. Aaron, you are going to be a process server serving Adel with divorce papers, but Adel, you are going to be doing anything you can to get rid of the papers so that no one can prove that you were served. And you've been served.

I'm so sorry to do it like this. You thought we were on a date. Ah, that's quite all right. I'm having a lovely time. Hey, pick a card any card. Oh, I really don't want to indulge in this because I'm at work. Okay, put it back in the deck. Okay.

Now check your upper left coat pocket. It's not going to be in there. Are those the divorce papers? No, it's the two of diamonds. That's my card. It's impressive that you did that, but the divorce. Check your other coat pocket. Okay, you're getting up to leave and to run away from the divorce paper.

No, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, oh, oh, I tripped. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hey, you've been served. Here are the papers. That's a joke leg. Throws out a banana peel. Slips on his own banana peel.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you've been served. You've been served. Oh. Hey, I know it stinks. I know it stinks, but you've been served. Wait, what is in my pocket? Are these the divorce papers? Mm-hmm.

throws a red turtle shell behind me. Get hit by red turtle shells. Yes. No, you do. Oh, part. Ah, ah. Yes. See.

Adel, you are an astronaut in space, and you're checking in with Houston. And JPC, you're the guy at the computer, and you are clearly drunk. And so, Adel, you're getting a little nervous. Mm-hmm. Uh, Houston, this is Calypso 48. We are orbiting Venus. We're seeing some anomalies. Roger Dodger, d'Ox of rate.

Uh, this is... Sorry, you're breaking up. Can you repeat that? No. No. Oh. Uh, yeah, we shouldn't. I'm looking at the... I'm looking at the screen, and everything looks to be a maddenormal, so shoot for the moon. Houston, I can see you. Your eyes are closed?

You got one of those airplane pillows on your neck? I'm on the screen. There's probably a delay for... For Venus, so you can see me from when I was sleeping last night, but tomorrow night is a new night. I'm wide awake. Uh, Houston, again, I think we're having some audio issues. It sounds like you're doing some sort of slainboater yourself, but you're slurring your... So, I go to my station, Jeff, who I said, I go to the bathroom for five minutes, so I'm covering for Jeff.

But, I'm looking at the... Are you talking to the astronauts on the phone? I hope not. I hope not, because... Tell them they're handsome. What? Tell them they're handsome. I can't say that.

Please, they're so handsoms, tell them. Climso 44, are you handsome? Who? Was that for a different craft? In space. This is Glypso 48. Forty-eight. So, landing gear, engage.

Uh, oh, no, our landing gear just came out. We are being thrown off. Oh, no, we're being thrown off course. Okay. Oh, we're going towards the sun. George is an opportunity for growth. Please tell my wife, I love her, tell my, tell Tommy that. He's going to be a big base...

Oh, no, you talk. Go ahead. Tell the comies, my wife talk. Tell the commies my wife taught what. Tell the mummy cummies. Tell the mummy cummys what. Speak. Speak.

Tell the mummy cubs. Speak. It's with heavy heart. Please don't tell my wife, mummy cumbies. Please. Tell your wife. Please. No.

My wife, tell my wife I love her. Tell my kids. Nipso 41. Please don't. Mummy tummy tummy tummy. Oh, please. And they blew up in the sun. Is this recording?

Does this get recorded? Oh, because I can't have... No. Please sing a song to the people. Sing a song to the earth. We are the song to their... We are the world.

We are the people. Oh, no. The mommy cummy on the tommy, the honey, the moon and in the sun. Okay. Clips up for the new. I'm trying to track you in the location.

Seems to be a closer to son. Hello. So rude. Rude. That's ridiculous. Do you think we should go back to Tcha Chesa's?

I too much think to go to Tuck Coo with me at a nice time. I got the keys. And I got a little kid puppet because I won't let you in without a puppy, that's a kid. Three days later, did my husband have any last words?

He did. Sorry, we didn't have half of the American flag. We did our best. We did a bunch of out of ball. We bunch up at a ball. And that's not America flag. It's a Pride flag. He said, mommy comes to blow up in space.

Still drunk on a bender, on a Chucky Cheese bender. I mean, it's the summer. What, I'm not going to go to Chucky Cheese bender? JPC, you are J.P. Riddles, and you're building a new home, and Adel is your contractor, and you're telling him some of the specific stuff you're looking to have in your home. All right, legally in the state of Massachusetts, I am barred from entering through the door of a home. So, all I'm asking is that all the windows are doors and all the doors are windows. Does that make sense?

Because what you've done is built a standard home. Yes. But I can't enter through the door. I have to enter the windows. If the doors are windows and windows are doors. Yeah. Then I get into the home. Okay.

I'm just, I'm trying to follow Massachusetts sort of protocol. Throw that out. Let's talk brass tacks. How's my rabbit oven coming? Throw it out the door or the window? It doesn't matter. It just can't be near me, man. How's the rabbit oven coming?

And I've told you a million times. Any ovens the rabbit oven if you put a rabbit in it. No, it is not an oven to cook. A rabbit is an oven that can be operated by a rabbit, so it has to be very small and very close to the floor, because they don't go up on counters. Okay. I'll tell you a million times, my chef is a rabbit.

Okay. My chef is a rabbit. rabbit my chef is a rabbit okay if we go further into I trust you if we go further into the home you see I've replaced all the stairs with poles oh good okay and some of these are trick pulls some of the minute you grab them they fall apart yep you fall apart yep because I got lots of invaders I get lots of invaders that's what you mentioned and there are buttons all around the house that you can press and the floor will open up down into a shoot to the basement there shouldn't be buttons the floor should

just open at random I can't mess with buttons I can't It messed with, and you said I can shoot in the basement? You can shoot the basement. Okay, good, because I've been getting pretty good at bow and arrow. Now, my bow and arrow is a little bit different because it's bones an arrow. And so I'm using bones to shoot arrows. But the arrows are bones. Basically, I get a big bag of bones, and I just chucked that shit into the basement.

And if you're telling me that that's legal, then we're going to be okay, a-okay. How does it smell in the house? Very bad. There's clearly dead fish in the walls. Mm-hmm. You used the paint that I recommended? I did. I squeezed all that paint from fish. That's fish paint. It's blood. The walls are painted in blood. Fish don't have blood. They have paint because they have gills.

Whatever you say, sir. Thank you. I'm the one who signs your checks. American Sign Language. I know it. I was taught it by a raccoon, and I use it to sign your checks. Well, you've just been doing sort of a finger slightly down and then up at an angle that's... Slightly down. I'm fingering down all over that raccoon. You can't say that to me. I can't...

What to you? How much longer... How much longer is it going to be until the house is ready? Give it to me in Earth months. Legally, I mean, the house is technically ready right now. What? The house is ready now. There's no lid.

Roof? No, I see the roof. There's no lid. This house is going to be, oh, this house is going to be full of bugs. A house needs a lid if I want to put a big jar around it to keep all the bugs inside. I've seen you bring bugs in by the bucket full. I think you brought these in. Yeah, why do you think I'm wearing a lid on my head right now above my hat to keep the bugs inside?

I didn't want to ask. Well, you didn't need to ask because your bugs are probably all gobblingug all around the place. Your bugs all escaping because you're not wearing a lid on your. your head. Sassafras, sassafras? Was that the safe word? Sassafras? I want to leave? Can I leave, sir? Oh, you want to leave? Fine. Fine. But before you go, let's be honest with each other for one minute. I don't own this house.

I never did. What? I don't own this house. Oh, no, there's a car pulling up. Oh, shit. It's the honest. Here we go. Yeah, it's a chicken. This house I'm owned by my friend who's a chicken. He let me stay here. So I thought that maybe. Maybe we could like, and it's not, we're not leaching off of anything else. You know, we're being inspired, certainly, by other things, but we're creating something

for ourselves. And it can't be Costco, obviously, because that's covered. So is there like another store? And it could be any store, just that the two of you could, like, agree on that we might, that might be like, that might have something there for us. Sorry, you want us to do like the Costco review guys thing? I don't want us to do anything. Like the dad and the son.

I don't want us to do anything. Double chunk chocolate cookie. But if we were going to do something. Okay. And I guess I just have one big question from over here. From the Aaron camp, we have one sort of big question. You're the kid on the dad. Well, that was actually going to be my second question.

Because I would maybe like to be the dad. Okay. Yeah, that's great. Also, sometimes guys, the three of us play house. We all fight about who gets to be the baby, who gets to be the dad. to be Wilson. Yes. Exactly. The volleyball, right?

Who gets to be Cuddy. Aaron always wants to be Cuddy. Maybe somebody else can be Cuddy for once. Who gets to be Hugh Lorry. David, you kind of liked that one. Cuddy and Wilson, the three characters on the house. What's your question? My question is, and this is absolutely no judgment, and I love everything we do.

Oh, I love this. I love how this is not loaded. This is not loaded at all. Do we think that this is going to be a relevant pop culture thing? when this episode comes out. And I know we don't really care about that. We were making my wife jokes in 2019. Yeah.

But like... Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie. Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie. So I'm wondering, but that's... And this is just me wondering out loud. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Okay, yeah.

Yeah. Let's scrap it. You guys want to do Hawk to it again? Well, hold on. Adel, you're going to be playing Channing Tatum and Aaron you're going to be working at a bank. And Adel, you're going to forget that your name is Channing Tatum, and you're really going to be trying to search for it and hit what your name is when Aaron's like checking you in here. Sure.

Hi, welcome to Chase Bank. How can I help you today? Wow, you're pretty. Oh, my gosh. Oh, thank you. Oh, sorry, I'm looking in the reflection of the sort of plastic sort of guard here. Oh, my God, I did it again. Sorry, I'm just a, I'm a very, I'm a very pretty man.

Nice to meet you. My name is Chuting. Tutum. That can't be right. Sorry. Sorry. I'm feeling it's just a little muffled through the glass. Shutting.

Chutting Taitman? Shutting Taitman. Sorry, sir. I'm having a little bit of a hard time. You just need to lean a little bit closer to the glass and I'll be able to hear you and type your name it. Oh, sorry. Or you could give me, if you want to hand me your card.

My name is cuddles, cuddling. No, that can't be right. Everybody on the floor. The dance floor. The dance floor. floor, magic. You can't... Sir, you...

Pick a card in a card. You cannot... You cannot... I don't care if you're a celebrity. You cannot be yelling everybody on the floor inside of the bank. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I mean, I know... I think I might recognize you. Oh, hey, is that who I think it is? Hey, it's me. Joe Minkley... Joe Minkley Jello. That can't be right. Junah Hill?

Oh, no, the tall one. No, for Magic Mike. I'm, uh... God, what is my... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. John... You were married to Sargia, Sir Varva? Don't say we're married because obviously I'm not any... Yeah, you got the worst.

Oh, I feel like I have that. Oh, my God, fellas, is this a movie reunion or what? It's me, moot. Boomy? From white suits? That's not right. The white suits. On T&T.

No. Chorning Tillman. Moody. Chorning Tillman? Oh, oh, oh. I know who you are. You are. Oh, my God.

Oh, I got it. You know what? I got it. Stockard Channing. I'm Stocker Channing. I was Rizzo in Greece. You know what? I'm Joe Montenia.

What do you want? I am a football player. I am not. I am not. What do you guys want me to type into the computer? Money. Money, please. Money, please.

The perfect scene. Aaron, the perfect scene happened on your watch. Oh, God. Wait. Are the things that happen on your watch? look at me that's fucked up I know everything is so scary right now

and things are very rarely funny and especially with Trump it's just not funny because it's so scary and dangerous but yesterday I wanted to wind down for the night by watching like a nature thing on Netflix and I watched like our world's oceans and the narrator of that

is Barack Obama and I was sitting and I was watching him talking about whales. And then I started like dying laughing because I went, can you fathom Trump ever doing something like this? Agreeing to narrate a nature documentary about like whales in the Pacific Ocean. He would get so sidetracked so fast.

Oh, it was dying laughing. They call them kill her whales, beautiful whales. Never seen him kill. But I've heard that they can. They call them. We're very killer. They call them Orcums. They call him Orcums.

He's got a seal. Seals are very nasty. It's okay to kill them. They're very nasty creatures. A lot of the whales, they're dying from the windmills. The windmills are killing the whales. Actually, Aaron, yes. Yes, I can't see Trump doing this.

I can see, honestly, like, Trump leaves office in three years and he gets the exact same Netflix deal that Obama got because Netflix cares about one thing. They're like, hey, you know what? We have a, we just have, I can see Joe Biden doing it too where he's just like, here's a whale. Oh no, we don't understand what I see. Where to go? Okay.

I'm just looking at the water. I was looking at the water. I'm crying again. Okay, hold on, hold on. I got an, okay, that'll, what's another? And what if, and what if Teddy Roosevelt? And I think it would go a little something. Yeah, yeah.

Bully, bully, uh, uh, free willie, bully. Bully, free. Four whales and. score of orca. No one knows what Lincoln sounded like. Daniel Day Lewis was like, what if he sounds like this? And we were like, I guess we have to.

We have to go with it. We don't have any recording. He's the actor. We're kind of fucked. What a huge swing he made. I bet him for him to talk like this. But he's Abraham Lincoln and I only talk it song. We're like, uh, this might be your last movie, Daniel.

And he's like, I'm trying to get fired. I'm in hell. Every time I take a roll, I'm in hell. This is James K. Polk probably. Hi, everybody. And Aaron, there's three rules about James K. Polk. Don't feed him after midnight.

Don't get him wet. Keep him out of the sunlight. These whales are swimming in the ocean. I do want to see another scene. This is based off the fact that one of the costumes on the list was, Cleo Denial for Monster High. Never heard of Monster High, but I do want to see a scene

of the two of you as sort of classic monsters in high school. Aaron, do you have a favorite sort of classic monster? I like a vampire. Great. So you're a vampire or Dracula type in high school. JPC, do you have a favorite sort of classic monster?

I mean, the most classic monster. Frankenstein's monster. Perfect. So this is Dracula or a vampire type and Frankenstein in high school? Monster. I'm so sorry.

Freak his eyes a monster in high school. And this scene starts now. School sucks. Right? Yeah, I said that you good detention again today. Paul McCartney? I know. I heard it.

Seen. Oh, I heard it too. I can't go back in there. And Aaron real quick, you cannot call senior. This is still listening. I know what I'm just saying. I know I have to go back and that. scene, but I went to Bob McCartney, and now I can't undo it.

It was almost Bob Dylan, right? He was like, yeah, I mean, damn, bam, hey. I know, but now I, how am I supposed to get back in that, okay, I'll go back. Okay, I'll go back. Okay, here's what we'll do. We're going to restart this scene. Slight punishment because, um, because we stopped it. Aaron, you're now Frankenstein's monster.

JPC, you're now Dracula. And we're in high school and go. High school sucks, huh? I don't know. I quite like high school. Aaron, stay in the scene. I know it seems like we're not going to use a lot of the things that we learn here, but I quite like the company and the teachers are all nice. Glad I could go for some blood.

Yeah. What I wouldn't do for a little blood. just a song I'm kind of tinkering with it's nothing yet I was wondering if you had a date to homecoming yet honestly all the girls want to go to homecoming with me they keep swarming me absolutely mobbing me wherever I go but I haven't said yes to a single one of them yet well maybe you say yes to someone who is made up of a bunch of different dead people

Take my best friends to homecoming. Why, that could work. I can't even be like I said a little bit like a cookie monster? Don't know who that is? All right. Think you sound like yourself, Frankenstein. Start jiggling at the door handle of the seat. Locked, it's locked.

Maybe I could, maybe I could ask my best friend if they'd go to homecoming with me. Can you unlock the scene? Would you go to homecoming? I can't breathe in the scene. Adol. Dracula? What do you say? Bob Dylan? Opens the mail slot up the scene, shoves some trail mix in.

Aaron there for some protein. Grab's your hand. And seen, and seen. Wow. Very good job. I will say. Yes. And this is not a criticism of Aaron.

Sure. Don't do this. Don't do this. She wasn't really staying. in it. Hey, I was so in it. I was so committed. JBC, it was barely noticeable, but I did pick up on that. Erin and JPC, you are Alvin and Simon. You are at Theodore's funeral, and you're trying to be respectful and sad, but also your voices are so sort of high and funny that you can't help but like, have a good time. Great.

How do you measure your life? Isn't it in laughs? Is it in mischief? Isn't it being a part of a song that includes your name? Sorry, is there some... I just don't think I can fucking... I just don't think I can fucking do this right now. I just don't think I can fucking do this right now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, come here, come here. Oh, God. Hey, this isn't... Why are people laughing? Hey, he's really sad. I don't know why people are laughing Leave Alvin alone

Why do you sound like that? Why do you sound like that? Why don't you sound normal? I thought Casey could maybe add something to my voice and pose No he can't and he shan't No come on I don't have access to the toys you have No hold on

Do you hear that whistle There has been an issue on the field here And hey, Riddle, Riddle, do we need to go to Riddle court or can we settle this on the field? No, settle this on the... This is not appropriate for Riddle court. Okay, fine. I think this is scene court? Yeah, this is scene court.

Let's go to scene court. I want to go to scene court. Great. Let's go to scene court. All rise for Judge Aaron. Wait a second. I'm the Baron. Okay, then announce Judge Aaron Keith.

Oh, so you get to be from Judge? Yes. Is his voice getting higher? And you know what, Adel, you weren't in the same. Adele, you get to be the judge. Oh, okay. Order, order, everyone. Calm down, calm down.

We seem to have a grievance here filed by one Aaron Keefe. Thank you. Okay, Aaron, why don't you step in front of the juror and do one comedic and one dramatic? I'm Aaron Keefe. Here are my hands willing to shave. Yes, also tell us where your hands are. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. And sit my.

And chipmunks. Yeah, sorry, you can't see them, but there's 12 angry chipmunks under the... I get it, I get it. Well, we're not angry. Most of us are horny. And that's what you mean. If you, on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. If you.

No, it's not... Come on, man. Come on, man. She saw me to fuck myself and I'm not allowed to talk. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. If you. If you.

Performance. Want to call me. Enhancement drugs on Hey Riddle Riddle. That is your prerogative. You cannot make the scene that you're in about having said performance enhancement drugs. That is bad improv. Use the drugs.

And if someone chooses to add a drug of their choice to post that is their business, stay the course, yes and the scene. And don't make it a meta pile of bullshit that. I don't have a soundboard. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. That is a sound of me in agony. Hey. Aaron, please, Erin, please.

I don't even know. How? I would even begin to download a soundboard. Fuck you. Aaron, I'm going to throw the book at you. I'm throwing the book at you. That's the sound board. That's the cellboard.

He's doing the meta bullshit that I was just talking about. Aaron. Some of us are born being able to do technology. I'm going to have to hold you in contempt. Hey, hey, he is doing it against me. I'm going to, this is going to have to be a thing where I take this scene to another riddle scene. I'm getting too emotional. I need to calm down.

Can you guys believe this? This voice keeps getting higher. I had motion smoothing on my TV for years without realizing it. I don't know how to. See? Yeah. Ah. Whatever.

Fuck and whatever. Vote in the comments. I'm saying that everyone has access to the same technology that others do. And I think it is not fair to make a scene about how you have a soundboard.

And now you know what? I'm going to have to fucking do this week? Bother Casey and have Casey hop on the horn with me so I can download a soundboard and become a menace to society. And then we're just three fuckers with soundboards. Hey, I love it, man. I'm all for it.

What other the Batman movie was just three jokers? Why not? I would like to see a scene. You are two robots at a party, and one of you is trying to, like, do a graceful exit, and the other one is noticing. Well, this has been a killer party. Yes, I agree. This party has been killer. Man, the music that was chosen was so groovy, such groovy tunes.

Groovy tunes, and that drinks were reasonably mixed. I'm sorry I spilled my Manhattan on your motherboard. My man, it is all good. It is literally water under the cooling system. Phew, that is a gig off my memory card. All right, brother. Good to run into you. Good to run...

Oh, I'm actually going the same way. Oh, okay. We were both doing the thing where we say goodbye to one person at the party. I can say goodbye to one person or zero. people. Yes, me too. It's binary choice. I feel like if we leave together people are going to assume that we are going to fuck.

Well, should we give them something to talk about? Huh. This is not the way I saw this night going. Contemplating probabilities. Okay. Yes. I could be able to this. Oh man, I was joking. This is awkward now.

I am so sorry I was joking. Yes, me too. Me too. Recalculating. Recalculating. Recalculating. Hey, guys, I'm so sorry to interrupt you. We're going to have to take your keys because you guys are talking like your robots and you're clearly really drunk. We do not want you driving home. Calculating probability of threesome. Wow.

Sorry. Looking unlikely. That's such a fuck you. I made you guys be robots and I was like. Honestly, you gave me an idea for the next party I tend, which is to get so drunk that I think I'm a robot. Adel, you are attached. tattoo artist and you've just given JPC a tattoo. It was like a six hour

sitting. JPC you're seeing that tattoo and it is not what you wanted. And finish the last all right, we are done. Let me bring out the mirror much like a barber does when he finishes a haircut. Here we go. Okay.

Let me get the angles on this. Yeah. What am I looking at here? This is pretty much what you asked for. Is this a year that shows me someone else's back? This is your back. This is my back. Mm-hmm.

Sorry, this is a normal mirror, not an enchanted mirror or anything, although... Sure. Okay. In the back, we have stuff for sale. So this is what you asked for, I think, pretty much. Uh-huh. This is Jafar from Aladdin, correct? Yeah, that's right.

Okay. And this is what you thought I asked for? I thought that you asked for Jafar as a Chippendale, sort of a magic mic situation, dancing on top of a Denny's. So that's what you asked for. Here's Jafar dancing on top of a Denny's, which I think is pretty much what you said. Holy God, I didn't even see the Denny's part. Okay, so that's way bigger on the bottom.

Kind of going kind of into my ass. Yes, and then tucking back up to your crotch is Iago saying squawk moons over my hamming. Yeah. Huh. So. So, can you pull up my email? Sure, let me just. Dear Terry's tats, I would like a tattoo of my dead father to honor him and his military service.

You know what? Let's just call this an oopsie. This is for free. Let's all get a good night's sleep. We'll come back tomorrow. We'll take a stab at it again, okay? Well. Can I take you for lunch or?

Should I be I don't know Should I be sleeping or It's also bigger than we talked about I don't think so Let me check the email Hey look let's That Wells run dry

I don't mean to be You know kind of a dick to anyone You're at work like I get it You have a job It's obviously messed up a little My dad's military service Really meant a lot to me Is there any way you can take what you've done

Which is beautiful in its own way Thank you Looks like Jafar Did you write that as a review, please? I won't. Jafar on top of a Denny's. Is there any way that you could change this and alter this to maybe make it look somewhat like the prompt that I kind of gave you?

What if I change Denny's to Daddies? So Jafar as a Chippendale, Magic Bike situation, dancing on top of a Daddy's. Now, of course, Yago saying Squawk moons over Miami won't make sense. You keep saying Chippendale, but it's less of a Patrick Sway and more of a rescue ranger at sea. He's wearing Hawaiian shirt Solving crime Someone messing up

And then saying You know what It's just perfect All right Give it to us one more time at all They said They like things that grow on branches And not things that grow in the ground

And the ground And you are a whisper away I'm gonna kill you Well yeah Oh Aaron is Batman featured in this movie Um, no, what is this joke that you're doing?

I'm just, you said it was, you know, the greatest detectives. And obviously Batman's history's greatest detective. So it's just kind of interesting. I'd like to see a scene. A mission there. Adel, you are Sherlock Holmes and you are meeting Batman played by JPC. And JPC, you're trying to really establish yourself as being on the same level as him. I presume you got my telegraph.

You're looking well, chap. Let's see here. rubber inlay makeup under the eyes gray hair on your boot suggesting some sort of father figure or butler you're Bruce Wayne

takes out violin okay Batman usually doesn't do this but I'm not dead not dead Gat garrslet Gorslet Gorslet

Oh man, the Joker really killed this guy. Mr. Holmes, I've returned from being a doctor in home. Hello. Hey. I'm Dr. John Watson. So, the Joker was just here. I fucking... Terrible.

Not dead. Not dead. Not dead. Not dead. Not dead. I'm going to sleep. Go to sleep. Oh, finally. Someone has bested my brother. Ha-ha-ha. Clap, clap, clap. You saw that? Huh? All right. All right. Not dead. Why is this, it's a snack, snap.

It should be killing everyone first thing. Not dead. Terrible day for Batman. Terrible day. JPC, you are our football coach, and you're explaining a play to us that you came up with yesterday. All right, everybody. We're going to try something.

It's just practice today, okay? So, you know, the game's on Sunday. We practice like it's the game. I had a dream last night. And are you guys familiar with, um, it's like the type of dream where, like, you can kind of control what's happening. Lucid dreaming, coach. Lucid dreaming, coach. Yeah.

So I had my first, I've been trying to do it for a while. Um, I had my first lucid dream last night. Woo. And we were all, yep. Steve, you were there, Derek. We were all on the field and I was coming up with these brilliant plays. And when I woke up, the second I woke up, I started writing them all down. I started writing them all down, okay?

Oh, yeah, give it to us, Coach. What is it? What is it? For the first play, so it looks like the football field, but it's, like, not the football field. Like, it's way longer. Okay. So that'll be important.

So it'll be, like, longer. Like, it'll be, like, a hundred miles. So we'll have to, like, stop, as we're running down field, we'll have to, like, stop and, like, stay at, like, hotels and stuff. Coach, this sort of sounds like this is dream logic, and won't necessarily apply to the kind of plays we need to win a game. Hey, you are O-line, okay? You're not the quarterback.

QB-1, you can speak in the huddles. O-line, don't speak in the huddles. But I'm the captain, coach. It looks like you, QB-1 here. I see on page 14 play 48, it says that I am to snap the ball and then hover three inches off the ground for about 45 minutes. It's not 45 minutes and 45 seconds. So this is called the serpent on the mound. So what is he is you're going to snap the football in half?

Mound. Hand it to the serpent on the mound. Hand it to the people on either side of you, okay? They're going to take those footballs, snap them in half. Now suddenly we have eight footballs on the field. My math works out there. Everybody's going to be throwing footballs, okay? Little of a wildcat situation.

Coach, on page seven, this diagram says all my teeth are supposed to fall out, and then I have to take an English test again. that I've failed when I was in high school? Don't worry about it. You're dwelling too much about the teeth and the test. The teeth fall out, but shark teeth replace them. Shark never run out of teeth. They're just always pushing, pushing, pushing.

Growing back, growing, more teeth, growing more teeth growing more teeth. And the English test is on Huck Finn, so it's easy. You know, painted the fence or whatever. I'm supposed to get... I'm supposed to get back with Deborah, but she's a car now. Okay. And it says that happens in your childhood best friend's kitchen. So this one sucks because I had just seen the movie Cars for the first time

So Lightning McQueen was going to be in a ton of these plays But that's okay, okay? Here's one called, wow, so Lightning McQueen, you start driving down the field And it's long, like a hundred miles. So you're going to have to stop for gas. Hey, coach, we need to start the game. Sorry, being the other refs, we got to start the game. Oh, my God.

Have I been talking for a whole day? Yeah. Oh, we were doing. Hey, it's me, your mom, the ref, your mom. But I'm made of gold. What's all going on with you? And we all start floating up to the ceiling. Wee.

It was a dream the whole time. Inception. A scene within a scene. Guys, Scotland, beautiful time. Incredible time. One little hiccup. We rented a car. We were driving the Highlands.

Isle of Sky. The most beautiful place I've seen on Earth. We hit a Shrek with our car. cars totaled you did the right thing right you called the government let them know you had a shrek tell me you didn't hide the body and sort of try to cover it up tell me you didn't take it and dump it in the equivalent of central park and claimed that a bike can hit it central swap and then the bike can hit it and tell me that you're not going to be running for president a visiting your presidential campaign and settling for secretary of health and human services i would say absolutely not what i did was what any human would do which is i sought its head off oh at all And then me and my niece drove it down. I would have said a Cape Cod. It's always Cape Cod. It's always Cape Cod with this fucking Cateroos.

On top of my car. And now we have a Shrek hanging above our fireplace. You, but you, I mean, you're in Scotland. You're driving. It's the first time you've ever done it. You took the Shrek insurance, right? We got the Shrek insurance. Okay, good.

Then you're covered, yeah. Yeah, no harm, no foul. And I do think they are overpopulated. So I think there is, I think, I think once per year you can, I think, hunt up to two or three Shrek. Did you check in its pouch for a baby Shrek? Did you even check? You're supposed to check for the baby Shrek if you hit one with your car.

Oh my God, that's why. They're protected species. No, no, no, no. This is their season. June is the beginning of their season. So as long as you did it in June, then I think that you don't have to file. The thing about the Shrek insurance, though, Adel, and you'll have to look at this. Because it's like, it doesn't, it protects like your car, but it doesn't, like, protect

the Shrek so like if they yeah if the family of the Shrek finds out and they try to get like reimbursement or something you know it's like and you looked around for it's donkey right I did see it's donkey too if you kill the Shrek well here's what happened was as I was kind of looking around of like what should I do what should I do I do I reached down thought I was grabbing the Shrek's body accidentally touched the donkey and once you touch a donkey the mother wants nothing to do with it yeah um so I did have to kill it uh Aaron you said checking its pouch is that a trick to try and get me to put my hand down Shrek's pants? Oh, as if you're not looking for any excuse.

Okay, yeah, I got to trick you to do that. I got to dare you to do that. Someone dare me. I'm like, where's his identification? Reached down in the front of his pants. And I'm like, I'm looking for a wallet. What? You have to be careful if you kill a Shrek because you have to check for its donkey.

I did the same thing, but I was, where was I? Oh, man, I don't even remember where I was, but I was driving and I hit a Mulan and I had to check for its little dragon. Oh, yeah. Furt's Mushu. Furt's Mooshu. That's right. Thank you.

It's a bit without knowing its name. I love the idea of somebody going like, I can't handle this bit anymore. Fast forwarding eight minutes and we're still doing it. I do want to see a scene. Aaron, what's the school bus that shrinks down? Magic school bus? Magic school bus. Aaron, you're like the woman who does magic school bus, but you have like a van.

Miss Frizzle. Okay, got it. You're like a Miss Frizzle, but you have a van and it's sort of a two-bit operation. but you are taking your class played by JPC and I inside a air conditioner to show them how it works. Aaron,

he didn't know the name of the Mandra's school bus or Miss Frizzles or a real Mushu-Milan's situation going on over here. I mean, to me it's just a rip off of inner space, which I grew up with. Okay, kids, I know

I've gotten two strikes ever since I took you inside a human body without getting permission slips from your family. That man exploded when we resized. We all remember. Thomas, we all remember.

Look at me. We all remember, okay? Okay, okay. Yeah, we still have to do the court-mandated therapy to try to process what we saw. Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Mrs. Brumple is going to shrink us down once again, and we're going to learn how the inside of an air conditioner works right before the summer. The judge took your shrink ray away.

The judge said you couldn't use it anymore. Yeah, he said you're a witch. The judge has there. You guys are being very. very funny today. No one's raising their hands, though. This is still school. The judge has their address publicly online and doesn't really lock their second-story windows. Yeah, you sent the judge a pizza? You sent the judge of pizza with a note that said...

The judge took the shrink ray home? Uh, yeah. Why? If you got access to a shrink gray, you'll sort of fold for anything. Anyways, kids, we're going to shrink ourselves now. to go inside of an air conditioning, inside the judge's house, and then we're going to resize, and the house will hopefully explode. Mrs. Frumple, Mrs. Frumple, you're just sort of driving into the front door of this house

and then backing up and driving it. You think you could have a normal day with Miss Frumple? No way. Mrs. Rumpel? We know the main street, and I'm going to a bar. With these children. What? What?

What? You let go from the school? Oh, Mikey. Semantic, semantics, semantics. I'll uppercut you in the nose if you speak again. She'll do it. She'll do it. Here we go.

Beep, beep. Have a good time. I see. I do want to see a scene. The two of you are sort of old-timey street urchins, like shine your shoes, Goffna. And no one these days is stopping for shoe shines, so you're trying to change up your tactics. Pity for your shoes, shan, shawing your little shoes.

Give you an ankle rub as well. Rub your ankles. Oh, oh, no one's, no one's doing that. No one's doing shoe shawings or anchor rubs anymore. And no one's going to, no one even wants the sex stuff anymore. Or maybe they can just like, eyeball that we're not good at it. We have to, we have to think of something, you know, more original that people could, that people like want.

They don't want the sex stuff either. Hand jobs, two for a penny. First of all, no one wants two hand jobs. Right in a row. Back-to-back hand jobs, two for a penny. No one wants that. Two little hand jobs for two penny, small little hand jobs either. Back to back.

Why? You, sir, you sir. You want to see how far I can throw your phone? Something pulls me back across this place I left. Some distant force, familiar to me and yet unknown, I will not be here for long. Is this like bird migration? Yeah. What?

Yeah. Is this like bird migrations? Magnets? Don't magnets pull on birds and they, like birds aren't flapping their wings. They just get pulled. Oh, you were one of those kids that pull birds with magnets? Yeah. You're out the yard with your magnifying glass and your magnets.

Magnet on the sky. Catch the birds. Dude. I cut up, I cut up Coke cans. I wait for a seagull to eat them. Then I use my magnet and I fly a bird like a kite. I want to see a scene. Okay, Adel and Aaron, you two are siblings.

It's like summer vacation. You have like so much time on your hands. And Adel, you're the younger brother. And you've just put a magnet on a stick and you're trying to pull birds out of the sky. And Aaron, you think that this will never work. Come on, come on. Come on. I just woke up.

Have you heard the ice cream truck go by today? What are you doing? Yeah, it's been going for a while. It's bad. It's got, ah, fuck. Wait, the ice cream truck's been going for a while? Yeah, he pulled into the cul-de-sac, and he's just sitting there, then he started circling around.

What? I think we're his only customers. I think unless we come out, he doesn't know what to do. Come on, come on. What are you doing? What am I doing? Use your eyes. I'm trying to magnetize birds.

Well, that's insane. We go to the same school. You know better. You're older than me. That's fine. That's not the argument you think it is, but really. The quality of teachers at the same school is such a swing if you think that's going to do anything. Would you ever notice how after I have a teacher, they suddenly retire?

Come on, come on. Yeah, that is weird. Yeah. Okay, well, if you want to kill birds, there's an easier way. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said kill birds. Oh. I mean, I'm going to.

Right, sure. But I didn't say that because you know how mom and dad are always checking my room for, you know, like, pissing the, bed or obsession with fire. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, harming animals. I'm going to go get some ice cream from the guy. Do you want your, do you want something? Something with gumballs?

No, I'm good. She shoves a little knife into your shoulder. Ah, yep. Murderer brother. Got it. See? Got it, got it, got it. I was a famous captain at another time.

Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's line. This is fun. This is a silly one. Is this like a fishing setup? Yeah, you're close. You're close. I would say it's kind of like a fishing setup. A worm.

Captain Worm? Captain Worm. Captain Worm. Is it a captain worm? One of the most famous pirates. All right, I do want to see a scene. Addle, you've played Captain Worm. You're playing Captain Worm and Aaron and I are your like two of the pirates on your ship.

your famous pirate ship Uh Attention All right Line up You line up here You monkey muck You creepy fucks

Your mucky mucks Uh tis I Captain worm Hold for applause That's right Nari Captain We can't be applauded Because most of us have hooks

Yeah That was a test You passed Uh, captain, I, um, I'm new to the ship, Yarr, and, uh... Fresh meat. All I see is sort of a big captain's hat that I assume is maybe a small worm is underneath it. You're sounding a little muffled, sir, is what I'm trying to get at, Yard. You assume there's a small worm under the hat.

You never thought that it could be medium-sized or medium-large. Uh, Yard, the biggest worm, sir, I'm sure, but still to fit under the hat. Yarr, that's what part of this ship is about is trust, me, laddie. If you trust that there is a worm under the hat, that is magical, and who is bringing us out to heaven, then, only then can we accomplish our mission. Yard, yard, I trust. I've been on the ship many years, and I trust the worm implicitly. Captain, what's on the agenda today? On the agenda are today From me, the magical worm

That lives under the captain's hat That you should never see Never lift up a hat to see Who's taking us all to heaven Yeah, we won't get to heaven If we see the worm Okay, okay I assume we swabbed the decks

Okay, so I assume we swabbed the deck Second up on the list today Bring me your wife so I can fuck them What? Oh, sir, our, yeah You're on the deck, Yarr So I thought perhaps you could tell If we had swabbed it or not

What did you say about our wives, sir? I said, bring me ye wives so I can meet them. Not really a big wife industry, Yarr. I mean, I know I don't have a wife. New guy, do you have a wife? Yarr, sorry to keep, yeah, no wife. Keep digging at this, but I have to ask,

five pirates to join us and if they don't join then I don't get paid y'ar that's the way the pirate system works if you want to get to heaven hey listen if you don't want to get to heaven we can turn this boat right around and go back to to Lisbon and all go on our merry way

I want to get to heaven that's why I brought this pirate aboard you know the crew I'm fulfilling my quotar hey real quick sometimes I'm hearing Nars, sometimes I'm hearing Yars. Under this hat, as a magical worm, they sound very

similar. Can we switch to like yes and no? Because Yara and R are just so close. Y... Yars. Yars. Yars. Captain Worm, is it...

Can't do it. True that, uh, we have a volleyball tournament on the ship this week. Yars. Yars, it is true. And there's a grand prize. A grand prize for whatever team brings the beach to its feet.

Ar, I hope it's getting to go to heaven. That's really the only reason I do all of this. I want to lift up the hat and I want to see the worm. No, we must never. If you lift up the hat and you see the worm, you're not going to heaven. That's what the worm told us. The grand prize is you give me all your earthly possessions and I shall tend to them

and you shall live a life of piety before you enter heaven through the gates that only a magical worm under a captain's hat can provide. Never lift up the hat. Yarr, is this a cult? Well, of course it's a cult. We are. No dar.

No dar. It's the magic worm. With the hat. A cult leader. I'm dead. But do you guys have a guess for what the answer could be here? Oh my God, balloon? Can you read the riddle one more time?

I can't, but you are so close. I was a famous captain at another time. Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's line. Oh, hook. It's Captain Hook. Oh, Duh. Oh, Casey. Can you hop on the mic really quick?

Uh-oh. Casey's in trouble. Uh-oh. Can you read what you just sent to our chat on the side, please? I said, I got this one instantly. Um, okay. Aaron, do you want to chastise me for? No, I just.

I wanted you to hear it from me directly, that that hurt my feeling. Yeah. I thought as, well, I thought as my friend would be happy for me that I got one of these riddles ever. Well, Casey, that's not what we're doing here because you, your role, is the audience surrogate. So as the audience surrogate, I kind of invite you to shut the fuck up. Whoa. Adel, you are going to HR, which is JPC, and you're complaining about being bullied at work by an onion who's making you cry.

Hey, sorry, Todd. We had a 3 p.m. Oh, yeah. Come on in. Okay. What's up, penis breath? Sorry, I just saw E.T. last night for the first time. Oh, do they say penis breath in that? Oh, my God, don't they?

Oh, no, I could get in huge trouble. You're both Timoon and Pumba. You can decide who is who. Okay. And one of you is going to reveal to the other that you have some, like, maybe unusual kinks that the other didn't know about. Oh, I feel so dirty I was wallowing in the mud

I feel so, so I should I should probably wash this off, right? I mean, wash it off if you want to wash it off I mean if it's just between you and me If we're just in the watering hole Nathan Lane, Nathan Lane. I actually don't Other guy, the guy who played Pumba. No, you'll never pull it.

You could have pulled Lane. You could have pulled Lane but you'll never pull Pumba. That's probably the same guy who played Gimley, right? Probably. It's a mess. John Rees, Davis? But I think, actually, I might just leave the mud on because it makes me feel sexy. Pumba, if you want to leave the mud on because it makes you feel sexy, you should leave the mud on.

Okay. But if you feel like you need to take the mud off and you want to put it in this little cup and then not can't. what happens to the little cup even if someone's very thirsty you don't ask what happens to the little cup you can do that as well writes on a piece of paper what the fuck

writes on a piece of paper how come on my tiddies shows it to Aaron waits for her reaction puts a question mark Aaron is that okay if I sing that I slide back a piece of paper it says ten million dollars I look at it I nod won't do the song

won't sing how come on my titty Grabs the piece of paper. A come on my tithms. What a wonderful phrase. See, ain't a whole pasting phrase. Keep going. I come on my tities. What a wonderful phrase.

Seeing that. A come on my tities. Thinking what a wonderful phrase. Ain't no passing craze. It means I'm horny. Father Fis today. Tim Rice is rolling over in his bed. It means I'm horny

In a very specific way It's our problem free Philosophy You got to change for a words No I don't You do, you need to Make it on my titty I don't have to change any words

I think it works just fine Don't start Haccum on my tities and get mad when I start having fun Can you come on my titty? you write the line come period they'll fall in love and here's the bottom line they're coming on their ditties

huh i'm gonna come not yet sitting down to write the line come and then being like okay so they're kids for the first 40 minutes of this day i'm gonna bust a mighty load this is bad this is bad well i've never seen

Cockerballs with quite so little hair Aaron is this good Hi, you guys, I keep... Keep a town by the side of the bed. Be prepared. Aaron, we just got nominated for a Tony. Aaron, we got nominated for Tony.

A Casey Tony, which is worth nothing. Casey Tony's nominating us for many Casey's... Arabian Nuts. No. Wait, come on it. Come Latin. Arabian Nuts. I just hope it came. Oh, oh, who, oh.

You ain't never going to come on me. Commercial, commercial, commercial, commercial. Break. We got to go out of a break. Right, keep, big, or take break to break. Uh, Adel, JPC. Guess what I just learned about? Um, frogs.

Not washing your hands? No, and no. Protein. You like need a lot of it. You need like, you have. to eat it every day and you need it to live. It's like a building block of like energy and like being healthy. Did you know? Oh, Aaron, sweetie, yes. Oh, okay. Of course we know about protein. Are you getting here? Yeah, Aaron, I know about goateen or whatever you said. Protein.

Protein, yes. Yeah, I'm pro goats too. Huh. Aaron, protein is part of my routine with Huel. Have you heard of this? H-U-E-L-L-H-U-L? Yum. That's right, yum. I've been using the fuel ready to drink all year, Aaron, And I'm leaning on it hard right now. It's a complete meal in a bottle, 35 grams of protein. Important. Seven grams of fiber. Also important.

And 27 vitamins and minerals. Turns out super important. Yes, literally, ready to go. No prep, no mess. And it keeps me full when the alternative is like grabbing a holiday snack in the closet or something. Oh my gosh. I'm now just putting together that grams is not short for gram crackers. I've been eating what I thought was 35 gram crackers of protein every day.

But with Hewle, it's so much better because they have a new chocolate peanut butter flavor that is honestly so good. I really enjoy it. And I like Hewle because I wake up, I want to say two to three hours before anyone else in my house. And it's nice to have a quick breakfast that doesn't make any noise. So I don't have to worry about waking anyone else up. And then I can get a quick workout in. It's a win-win with Hewle. Yeah, Aaron Hew is great.

And I've also been loving Kuel's new canned Super Greens drink too. It's got 42 vitamins and nutrients, four grams of fiber, not gram, crackers, 25 calories, and no added sugar. In December, especially when my vegetable intake is a little bit lower than usual with the holidays. I'm solving that this year. It's sparkling. It actually tastes good. There are three flavors to choose from apple, peach, and blueberry. Blueberry is my favorite. Apple's my favorite. Hmm. Get 15% off your first order at huel.com with code riddle. That's code riddle. Minimum $75 purchase. Thank you, Hewle. And thank you, Protein. And that's in the Heel. I literally had no idea.

And thank you, Graham Crackers. You're welcome, GPG! Oh, no. Wash your hands. Everyone wash your hands. Everyone wash your hands. Um, excuse me. Oh, hi. Down here.

Oh, hello. Hi, I'm a little acorn. And I'm very passionate about teaching children how to save money. Oh, that's so beautiful. That's a great idea. Let me just sort of come up here. Hear me, hear me. And I just want to apologize for eating so many of your people.

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or download the Acorns Early app. one month free when you sign up at acorns early.com slash hey riddle say it and you better get out of here before the squirrels come say it acorn's early card is issued by nbkc bank member fdic pursuant to license by visa USA free trial for news subscribers only subscription fee starting for five dollars per month unless cancel terms apply at acorns.com slash early terms it's funny i'm always thinking about it this time of year but i'm not as young as i once was but i care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness which means cornbread hemp, CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan. It's so funny, I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year,

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Now available in Canada 2. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. free shipping, and 365-day returns, quince.com slash riddle. What were you wearing when you came downstairs? Full turkey costume. Knew it. One, two, three, four, hate riddle riddles, glue crew. Let's do the big breakfast.

All right, my children, have gathered us all here again for our annual big breakfast. Where I will be, of course, re-drafting my will based on everyone's performance at the breakfast. As we all know, last year, Esmeralda had a banner year at the big breakfast. She is currently in line to inherit my entire empire. Oh, raspberries. Papa.

But all... Hopefully this year... Passed the raspberries, Elmarylera. Raspberrys. They're so much closer to you. Okay, Esmeralda, nut-pinsing. I'm passing them. Not fast enough.

Not passing the raspberries. Okay, so there's two... You, whore. Minus two houses. Sabotor. Hoar. Minus three houses. Sorry, father.

Language. All right. To go from whore to saboteur. I meant to say saboteur and I said whore. Okay, rhyming and showing a mass three of the language. You now get... You cunt, you goof. Okay.

Cunt of goof. Quick rewriting. Lambert. Language. Lambert. You cunt, you goof. Okay, Lambert, you now get no paintings. No, Papa, please.

Paintings are off the table for you. But she, I didn't want the paintings, please. Oh, Papa, the countryside. The countryside painting. The countryside paintings are off the table for you, Lambert. Oh, Papa, what about the still fruit? Let's have our first course. I'm taking the platter off of the first course. What do we have here? What is this? Hmm, looks like some sort of... Testing everyone's delicate palette.

A single slice of... Bacon, Father. Yeah, it looks like... Single slice. Excellent, Esmeralda. Seems to be glazed with something. Maybe it's like a maple glaze? Yeah, like a Canadian maple glazed

slice of bacon. Canadian. Interesting. Is that your final answer, Asmeralda? Canadian bacon? No, sir. No, sir. Okay.

I think it's just regular bacon. No Canadian. To bleak. Black. Correct. We and this family hate the Canadians. Te-hee, to who. And all of the oil fields.

You cunt you goof. All of the oil. Fields will now go to Lambert. Congratulations to Lambert. You are now going to possess all of the oil. You pinch his, Esmeralda. Hey, cunt you goof. Let me just stabs you. Whoa, no. Whoa. Oh, you cunt you goof. You cunt you goof. Can we get through one big breakfast without saying the CG word? Father, the pressure's too much. It's like a pressure cooker

in here. Oh, pressure cooker. On to the second course. Very good eye, Asmeralda. What do we have in the pressure cooker? Oh, it looks like. Don't open it. Ah, well, that's ruined. Ah, see, I knew not to, Father. Oh, no. All of my mini birds go to Esmeralda. Thank you, ma.

What about the lark? Papa, the lark. The lark's a fucking bird, Lambert. Lambert. But I'm saying I want the lark. You cunt, you goo. You cunt, you gooo. Hey, now, you can have the Buick Skylark.

I'll give you that. It's an 83 skylark. The longest car. No, father, that's what I want. I want all your long cars. Wood grain. All wood grain. Father, please.

I got a long car. father you don't like singing take a point away i don't like singing but i love parody songs yes it was me weird alling tracy chapman i don't like that that's his intellectual property weird alling tracy chapman huh nothing you don't you goo weird al owns tracy chapman's intellectual property oh i see oh i see and we're drinking high sea very good esmeralda not orange juice i can smell the difference well there's also Hunt, I goof. If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you cut to me, do I not goof? Sorry, that was uncharacteristic of me. Father, well, something you have to take yourself out of your will.

Fair is fair. Well, okay, so when I die, I won't go to heaven. That seems fair, right? That seems fair. That seems appropriate. I was never going to heaven because the way I made my empire was... Questionful of best. Well, not nice, as we'll say.

You built your factory on top of graves. Orphans graves. And some of them were still alive. Some of the family was visiting. They were just orphaned. Some of the family? Yes, they were like, oh, we finally found our long-lost son or daughter. So, yeah, for sure.

These were lost orphans. Yeah, look, do I have more ticks in the country column than the goofy column? Yes, I do. You country goof. All right, final course for the big breakfast. This one. Father, I already know. Big old stack of pancakes.

She peaked. With maple syrup. No, I just know our father better than anyone. I go stack of pancakes with maple syrup, Lambert. I should be the one to run the empire. Esmeralda, Lambert, what do you think is under this for the big breakfast? Yes, Papa. I will take my guess, but I just remembered earlier when I said that the bacon might be glazed with maple.

I remembered that maple syrup is primarily Canadian. So you would ever serve pancakes with maple syrup. It's probably pancakes with... You cunt you goof. You cunt you goof. I'm in the middle of the answer. You cunt you goof. Out, out, out, out.

You cunt you goof, you cunt you goof, you cunt you coof, you cunt you cuff, you cunt you cuss. It's those little Burger King mini hashbrows. Oh. They're my favorite. Another one bites the dust. Another one cunts the goof. Another one cunts the goof. Another one cunt you.

Another one cunts the goof. No, papa. Another one cunts the goof. No. Oh. Thank you. can I help you? Hey, Katie.

Hi. This is Jacob again. From 1-2-6-5 Elm. Hi, Jacob. Yeah. Kind of same complaint. It happened again. Oh, brother.

Went to take my trash out today. And it was, same story. A couple of goons stuffed into the trash bin. Yeah, yeah. You said you're an Elm? Yeah. Yep. Yep.

On Elm. All up and down that block today. You are in good company, Jacob. Could we maybe just put out, is there a way for the commissioner just to like mention to him? Just like maybe put goons on the corner, like tie him up on the corner. Why do the goons have to be stuffed into the trash kids? And but Jacob, it is Friday and it's trash day in your neighborhood. So this is sort of going to sort itself out, right?

Well, no, I got an earful from the garbage man the last time this happened on a Friday because apparently they can pack the trash in the truck. Right. And that could seriously hurt the goons. Yeah. And I don't think that's his intent because I don't think why would he keep him alive just to have them crushed to death by a trash truck? Right, right. But, I mean, we lose goons every day here in Gotham. And I don't want to be heartless, but these goons made their choice.

I understand that. I just don't want them in my trash can. And I talked to, you know, I talked to him one time because I was taking up my trash at night. And he had put one goon in, he was loading a second goon into the trash. And I said, hey, man, what are you doing? And he said, and I'll never forget this. I'm taking out this city's trash. I know.

Yeah. And I said, come on, really? Yeah. And he was gone. And you were just trying to live your life. And you're just trying to take out the trash. Can I be honest with you, Jacob? Mm-hmm.

I don't think that this is going to be solved today or anytime soon. I mean, literally, Commissioner Gordon is being hung from his balcony office by Harley Quinn. And he's screaming. So he's got a lot on his plate today. He's got a lot today. Yeah. Okay, well, here's the thing I do. I'll do what I did last time.

Like, I'm looking through the office doors and I see him being hung off the balcony. Hung off the balcony, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll take the guns in, I'll clean them up. I'll get them some soup, and I'll tell, and I'll just ask them maybe to, like, to not goon by my home. Yeah, maybe try asking to not goon by your home. That's really, you know what, but I will make a note.

It is in the system, the complaint is in the system. As long as the complaint is yet logged in, okay, is Katie. Yeah, Katie. Katie, okay, Katie M or KDS? Ah, good, yeah. I could have thrown KDS under the bus. but I won't today. It's Katie.

You sound this, you sound this so similar on this one. We get that a lot. Isn't that so crazy? It's, and we're totally different heights,

so it's like so crazy. Oh, and I never know. Anyway, I'll talk to you later. Okay, I'll probably will talk to you later. I know, okay. I'll probably be calling you tomorrow. Yeah, have a good one.

I really am. It's not your fault. Okay. Have a good one, Jacob. Bye. Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office.

Hey, this is Trent. I'm the shift manager over at Benegans. The penguin just ate here with his penguins, I guess they're called, and they defecated all over the floor. Okay, one second. Give me one second. Great, now I'm being put on hold. Are you kidding me? Yeah. What should I start cleaning or is that evidence? No, leave it, leave it. Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling commission. Oh, I already did this. Hey, Stentent. Still Trent. Hi, Trent. Sorry, we're getting animated with calls today. I mean, every day, really. Um, you were at Beniggins and two-face came in and what did you say?

The penguin came in with his brood or I don't know if they're his children or his pets or whatever. You can't say brood. I can't say brood. That's fine. That's fine. I understand what you're trying to say. The Joker killed my parents and I can't say brood. Yeah.

I mean, we owe a little bit of decorum to each other. Okay. So the penguin came in and did he not pet? Did he die in dash? What was, what's your issue? Hey, are you guys closed? Look around. What do you think?

What do you think? What do you think? We're open? Look it around. Sorry, we had somebody coming. No, Penguin paid. Actually, tipped very generously, but his penguins, they defecated on the floor. It gets confusing because he's the penguin, but he has penguins, so that's where it gets confusing.

Did he defecate on the floor? I don't think so. Okay. Oh, you don't think so? You don't think so? What is this? This is from a regular penguin? Okay.

Kyle, actually, Kyle, did find that we have some bigger... Sorry, I'm not really sure I want to know. If you can confirm and then give us a call back, because if it's just... Like, we don't really deal with, like, animals messing up restaurants. Like, we're sort of... We have bigger fish to fry. Commissioner Gordon again. Oh!

She dropped him. Okay, so he really is out of office today. Who dropped who? Harley Quinn dropped Commissioner Gordon. It's fine. I feel like, clean up the mess. give us a call back if once you're sure, sure, okay? Okay.

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office. How can I help you? Hey, Katie. This is Rick from the AMCO. Hi, Rick. How are you? How can I help you today?

Not great. Okay. Mr. Freeze was here again today. What happened? Freezed all the gas. Even got the stuff underground. Okay. Freezed all the gas.

Are you looking up on your sheet? Yeah, I'm looking up. It's C-19. C-19. The code is C-19. I know that from calling it so many times. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Well, could we get, is there anyone who can melt stuff? Do we have? No, Katie, can't do that. Remember, because it's gas. Oh, because it's gas. I'm sorry. Yeah.

My brain has mashed potatoes together. It's tight. It's totally fine. I've made this call a lot of times. Yeah. Sorry, I'm working through lunch today, so my blood sugar is low. okay no oh god so sorry about that yeah no it's so what they'll have to do is chisel out all the gas and then move it and let it thaw chisel out the gas move it thaw ooh is three weeks from today okay

tuesday the 18 no no this is oh katie no this is serious because this gas could explode and i know but yeah i'm looking i'm on the c19 file and it looks like i mean they are stretched really thin i thought they caught mr freeze they did But, you know. He did not break out again. I mean, there was that big breakout about three months back. That he got out on that one? Yeah, that's when he got out.

That's when he got out. I saw that. So. I saw that. I was, God, I was hoping it wasn't Mr. Freeze. They're really backed up. But they can get there by Tuesday of the 18th. And it looks like 8 a.m.

So not even at every day. There's a shell across the street. And Mr. Frees never hits the shell. And I got to know, like, and I don't, look, I don't, I don't, I'm not. This is not a situation where I'm trying to bribe anyone, but is there an arrangement that the shell has with the commissioner or Mr. Freeze? We have a saying here in Gotham, and it's do not take anything personally. When you're building explodes, when you get punched in the stomach on the street, it wasn't about you, okay?

It just feels personal, you know? It just feels personal because it keeps freezing our gas. We have to ask this. Hypothetically, what dollar amount are you willing to spend to keep yourself protected? Okay. This is, I thought, I thought this was what's going to, what was. Just be cool about this. Just be cool about that. Just answer the question. I got to ask now, is this just for Mr. Freeze? No. This is for, as a blanket protection. I knew this existed.

No, this is just for Mr. Freeze. Unless you want to pay more, we do three package deals. You could get protection from three. different. Then it's got to be a no from me, because if it's not, if it's not freeze, then don't ask. Then don't ask. Well, I thought it could be like a blanket thing. No. No. Okay. But if anyone asks this doesn't exist. You said next Tuesday? No, three weeks from today. Three weeks from today. But if you wanted to turn this from money, we could get it done by Friday. I just don't, I just don't have it if I can't get the gas on. That's the problem. It's like, I got to sell the gas. to get the... All right, we'll give us a call back when you know what you want, okay?

Because I have a bunch of calls trying to come in. I know what I want. Okay. Okay. I'm going to make a new animal. Okay, this is God, and I'm going to make a pig take 10.

God, God, God, God, God, sorry. I don't want to embarrass you in front of everyone, but do you maybe want to like... It's just animals right now. I know, but do you maybe want to sober up before you create more animals? No, I'm going to take another stab at a pig.

This is Pig, take 10. Okay, hold on. God, hold on. Hold on. Here is a big cup of electrolytes. I just, the last few things you sent down. Electrolites. This is Gatorade. Just call it Gatorade.

We're not going to get in trouble. We might. No. We technically have a sponsorship with Powerade and you're not supposed to be drinking Gatorade. You made a puffer fish and I was silent. You made an angler fish with a light bulb coming out of its head, God. I made a ball. Blow job fish, and I made a flashlight fish.

You gave them other names. Puffer fish, anglerfish. Puffer fish are supposed to be blowjob fish? They're sharp, God. God. What can I say? God. God.

What? Carol, what? Remember when you made a sheep? Why did I make an ex-wife? Why was the first thing I made an ex-wife? Oh, please. The first thing you made was a wife, and then the first mistake you made. We cut away to a far-side image of a cartoon, and it's a horse standing next to a zebra, and they're both in a field.

And then the caption at the bottom is the zebra saying, technically, I'm a blowjob horse. Okay, station numbers are up. It looks like, you know, the listener base has seen another 6% increase. So we're growing and we're more popular than ever. let's move on to ad sales uh oh Clarissa what's wrong

um I just have a quick question yeah yeah um can is it possible for employees to put out ads if we pay the money can we put an ad on the air um I mean that can sometimes be a conflict of interest but it depends on what you are promoting what was what was it you wanted to sell an ad for or buy an ad for Well, it's more of a plea.

Okay. I'm trying to win, um, I'm trying to win John back. Oh. Oh, Carissa. Um. I mean, we could do a, I mean, legally, our legalese department says that we could hold a contest where someone,

someone could win John back, but I think you would not be able to participate. Yeah. Um, right. But can I put an ad out telling him that I miss him? So we'll table that, I think. Maybe we'll table that one because I have Rex Kandeman, the Kia dealer. He wants to do another series of ads. I think we can all agree that we can. No, no, no. We can't have Rex in his dirty money here on the radio.

Okay. Clarissa, yeah, I mean, we do work on a veto system so one person can veto any ad. He cheats at bowling. You go down to the bowling alley. How do you cheat at bowling? How do you cheat at bowling? There's no way. Exactly. You go down to the bowling alley here in Orlando.

Rex's name is on the wall. Insane. Oh, okay. Yeah. So Clarissa, I think they have a fake, like, air pin or inflatable pin bowling alley at Rex Candyman's Kia dealer, but that's just to like roll the APR bowl. bowling ball to get like a lower rate but that's that's not real bowling and I I don't think he cheats at that I think it's just like a veto veto yeah I guess yeah they were going to buy

$20,000 in ads and run it for the next four months but I guess we can be so yeah that's a veto okay his name is on the wall at the bowling alley because he donated 25,000 to the scoliosis research veto veto veto veto veto yeah yeah okay so anyone else have anything else that they any other you know big whales that we've been bringing in that we want to, you know, sell some ads for. I finally got a nibble from Cape Canaveral. They are looking to promote their next launch. That would be huge for us. Yeah, for people to kind of step outside their house.

Okay. Is there? Clarissa, what, did you bring a soundboard into the ad sales media group? Yeah, that's going to be a veto. Oh. From me. Okay. Can you let us know why?

I went to high school with them. With Cape Cadaverill? Yep. With Cape Coneverill. Mm-hmm. And they bullied me. And they said, one day you'll work for a radio station and I'll buy an ad at that radio station. Okay.

You're a loser. I'm great at science and math. That's what they said. Oh. Okay. And you're sure you went to high school with Cape Cadaverill. Yeah. Kate Canaveral and I went to high school together.

Okay, I guess, I mean, it's a $1.7.9. Vito! Vito! Vito! Okay, next on the docket is Vito's, Italian-Floridian subs. Yeah. Vito's hot subs. All the subs there have to be hot because it's hot. That's their slogan. The subs are as hot as it is.

That's going to be a veto. Oh. Yeah, it's... Yeah, Vito's... No, I'm saying no to these veto subs. Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess we can veto it. I think substitute teachers should not be hot. That's very distracting.

It's already distracting enough having your teacher out of the classroom. Okay. Okay, I guess that works. Hey, why don't we just do some non-controversial ones? Publics, Walmart, Target. They all want to just increase their ad spits. Easy, easy, what? Clarissa, Publix, Walmart, and Target?

Why? Bad, bad, bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad. Here's one. I think this is as innocuous as it gets. This is an ad. This is for thumbs up. Now, the Florida State Department wants to promote people giving thumbs up.

They thought kids would enjoy it. It's better than a middle finger. So this is an ad for thumbs up. It's like for driving. It holds up both their arms and they're both broken. That's going to be a veto. That's going to be a veto from me. No one signed the cast.

Okay. I guess the only thing left on the list is, is Clarissa's original pitch was... Oh, yeah, I guess there's only one thing left in less. To win back John? When John back? Yeah. There's not to win back John.

John's sitting at the table. Totally silent. John is that a veto from you or... John, you want a veto? You have a veto. Hey, John's just... Interesting. Staring off into space.

Or a thousand-yard stare. He's disassociating. That's my baby. I guess that one goes through. Woo! Chris, do you want to just, do you want to just record it real quick, I guess? John, please, please, John.

John, please. You admit, I miss you. I just got an espresso machine, and I am making my own espresso for the first time. But it's like a thing that takes, you know, like subtle changes to the weight of your espresso and then how much, like how much a liquid that you're pulling And all of that takes, like, fine tuning.

But I'm also not one of these people that is good of, like, making an espresso drink and being, like, taking a sip and being like, this isn't right. You know, I'm learning. It's a learning curb. I'll just throw this away. I'm just having a person who will make a bad espresso, drink it. And then be like, now let's get to the real shit. So I've had, like, six bad espresso's today. Oh, geez.

And I just ate a bunch of mixed nuts. And my eyes, I think, are back, if that makes sense. They were not good for like pretty much a little while. But now I'm starting to be back to like normal eyes. I love JPC bursting into a room and saying, my eyes are back. It's a catchphrase. You look blurry right now. You're vibrating at such a quick speed.

I also am a person who often, yeah, okay. You're right, Aaron. That was a stretch. Let him finish. My legs are like constantly in motion And every once in a while I will hear something on a recording And I'm like, what the fuck is that?

And I'm like, oh, it's me just moving my legs Back and forth like a fucking cricket And it's making sweet beautiful music Walking around in circles Walking around in circles So I'm trying for my whole body to stop vibrating I've got the eyes down Those are no longer vibrating

But I might have What's it called when there's like an earthquake And then there's like a mini earthquake afterwards? That can't be it Uh, so I've got, I'm just going to call them little body vibrations, uh, that are half thing after my big, my post jiggles. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know.

Guys, real quick, when we bite into these Oreos, let's all just agree to say. Let's all say. Oh, so minty. Yeah, these are very minty. Adel, that's such a smart idea. Yeah. And I'll be like, I can't even finish this. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, not menthol.

This is like smoking a, smoking a clove cigarette. Aaron? Yeah. You back? So Aaron is back with the Oreos. Did the guy look dead? Whoa. Don't eat this Lily Gomez once.

Not yet. Why? We have to try. I feel like these you hold on to, hold on to these for 10 years and sell them. I have to. They taste exactly the same. That's what you're tasting. Okay.

Aaron just ordered gluten-free Oreos. We're about to taste it, and it's about to taste like fucking mint because it's gluten-free. They taste exactly the same. Says the girl who thinks they taste like mint and dark chocolate. Aaron is whipping, pelting us with Oreos. It tastes like cocoa. It has that bitter cocoa taste. They have less, the gluten-free ones have less cream?

What the fuck is going on with these? Just taste the chocolatey part. Okay, it's gluten-free chocolate. And tell me, also, the frosting does have a little minty kick to it. Whoa, this is. Holy shit, that is actually very minty. This is crazy. There's a difference of the gluten-free and the regulars.

There's a difference. Whatever's going on here, this is crazy-minty. This is like super minty. It's like smoking menthols. Were you guys making fun of me, and this is... No, I truly, Aaron, I truly, I've had Oreas in a long time. I did not know.

Maybe it's the gluten-free, but I did not know that they would. I mean, this is like a strong mint taste. It's almost like winter green. I feel like I'm getting pranked. It's like a tic-tac. This is honestly like, yeah, it's worse than like spear mint gum. Like it's so minty. Let the record show that I've always been with you about the dark cocoa powder flavor.

Aaron are these, altoyed Oreos? Am I eating mint off the stem? Guys, she's on to us. She's on to us. She's on to us I got pelted with an Oreo Aaron Aaron I say this with

now You're one of the craziest motherfuckers I've never I fucking hate you You're a cunt and a goof And I hate you You're a cunt and a goof

We don't know if that episode Has come out No it's come out Yeah it's come out Smack Aaron with a glove Crush it into dust And take a pinky And snort it?

And snort it Aaron After eating this Oreo Do you think it's a Do you think it tastes minty You still do I'm sorry I feel sorry

I think the frosting has a slight minty kick, and I also think that the wafer part has, like, a cocoa, dry chocolate. I get a little cocoa. Can I have one more, and I'm just going to eat the cream. But I don't get any dark chocolate. I get cocoa. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It doesn't seem bitter to me at all.

It doesn't taste it's a cocoa powder like you would eat from, like, brownie mix. Okay, I eat just the cream, no cookie. I don't taste mint. Am I dying? I might have a terrible palate. No, it must be me. There's maybe something to the art, like the sugar they use or something. that has like a sensation.

Aaron, you don't have to try these, but everyone else is going to eat a Selena Gomez Oreo. We should just close this was an ad, right? That's unethical to say this wasn't an hour. This whole thing. At the very end, just add, Nabisco.

Nabisco bottom. The simpsons. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Welcome back to W99.9.5, the bar. This is Lavender Talks Love. I'm Lavender Montgomery and I take your questions on the air about love. So call in 9955555555-55-9-9-9-D-D-D-D. Ooh, looks like we got our first caller.

Go for Lavender. Tell me, what do you want to know about love? Hi, Lavender. A big time, big time, long time. Oh, oh, were you touching yourself? I meant a long time first time. I meant long time first time. What did I say?

Big time long time? Yeah, you're a little out of breath too. I'm a little flustered. And here's the reason. Lavender, I have been listening to your show for 13 years. Your episodes, I believe, helped sort of, were the catalyst for my sexual awakening. And Lavender, I've never seen a picture of you. I can't find a single thread of information about you online.

Would you please just describe yourself? Hmm, that's so interesting. No picture of me online. Could it be that I'm a raccoon wearing sort of an 80s glamorous wing? Pretty specific, that's probably that one. And they didn't want to put my photo online because they didn't think a raccoon. named Lavender with sort of feathered hair would have anything to say about love. I am a tall, blonde woman.

I think the raccoon was, I think that was doing more for me. Could you go back to that? Oh, what? Do you probably want some nasty trash? Get some nasty little trash. Okay. I'll write your number down, but we're on air, so I'm going to hang up now. Okay.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Hi, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love? Sorry, I just... Are you touching yourself? No, no, I just... I just finished a marathon. Oh, what an honor for you to call me right after you finish a marathon.

Yeah, you're short. How long's a marathon? You're touching yourself. Next caller. Hi, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love? I was curious. If you pass a note to a girl in class and she reads it,

But she doesn't write one back. Does that mean it's over? Oh, my God. Is this Joe Biden? I'd recognize that voice anywhere. This is A, Joe Biden. Oh, wow. An honor.

Doom do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Wow. You single? How's Jill? How did you know? How'd you know that was her name? That's the girl I passed the note to in class. Interesting.

Well, give me a call back if you ever want to chat politics. Next caller. This is Lavender. What do you want to know about love? Hey, Lavender. Sorry, I just... Why, you had a breath? I just ran down the stairs because I wanted to use the basement phone because I didn't want...

I'm asking a question about my wife. I didn't want my wife to overhear me in the house asking a question. So, my wife can be... Look, I don't want to... She can be kind of prickly. She can snap. You know, she could be pretty testy. Like a raccoon if you try to take garbage out of its hands.

Yeah, I guess that's one example. I guess my question is, I want to do something to kind of spice up our relationship. She can always be very cold, very still. She, you know, we don't share the same interests. I'm more like I like to, you know, get out. I like to do things. She kind of likes to lay in the water, very still for long. periods of time. What are you referring to? I go to work. She has a little bird that, you know,

cleans her teeth. Okay, you are married to an alligator. Actually, it's pretty common here in Florida. I've heard it before. Yeah, no, I know. Just wondering how to spice up our relationship. By her lingerie. Oh, that's such lavender. You have saved my marriage. I'm going to go buy an alligator lingerie. Thank you. Okay, be careful on there. I was touching myself. This is Lavender. What do you want to know about Love?

Hi, uh, my name is... Are you touching yourself? Mikey. Oh, is that a problem? Goofy? Is that going to be a problem? Goofy? Oh?

Yeah, I'm goofy. Yeah, that's right. My name is Goofy. I'm touching myself. What? Okay, we'll do Horrible Science. Perfect. Yeah, of course.

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Horrible Science. I'm Dr. Blisterfingers, and we're doing another episode of Horrible Science today. Today on Horrible Science, I have two of the worst children from school. As we all know, well, as we all know, every school, since two of their worst children to do an episode of horrible science with me. Dr. Blister Finkers. They said this was a privilege. Yeah, I thought I won an essay contest. You all think you've won an essay contest, but think back.

Did you write an essay? No, sir. So that's how you know. So today on Horrible Science, we're going to be doing experiments. Dr. Blister Fingers, you smell like whiskey. Yes. So today's first experiment, we are going to be trying to turn potatoes into gold. Um, alchemy?

Whoa, yes, it is alchemy, a long-lost ancient art that some people claim is a crock of huckery. I think I, I mean, science is my favorite subject in school. It doesn't show. Did anyone bring potatoes? I did, because I thought we were doing the potato electricity thing, where potatoes can be a conduit for electricity. Huh? How? I'll show you. Okay. Interesting. All right, I'm going to...

This isn't one of those things like in Las Vegas where you start doing it and you're just trying to get my watch. No, I'm just going. Because my watch is gone. I think you just lost your watch, Dr. Blisterfinger. In Las Vegas from a con man. Okay, well then how would we have gotten in if you lost it in Vegas? That's what I'm saying, stupid. Okay, I'm plugging this cordon here, this cordon here, and then look, the light bulb turned on.

What the fuck? How did you do that? Hey, put her down. Put her down. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Hey, hey, hey! How do you get on this show?

Let me see your report card. Okay. What is this? A, A, A minus, B plus, B plus. Oh, it's in gym. That makes sense. What? Wait a second.

Wait a second. Are you good kids? No. Well, you're a really good kid. Yeah, I guess so. You're in the front page of the paper for saving all those dogs. Yeah, but it's from a fire I started. Yeah, that's okay.

It was an accident. That's okay. I start fires here almost every week. I said no because I thought that a truly good kid would never say they're truly Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck, okay. They're only supposed to send me bad kids to do bad science and hopefully get horribly burned to teach them a lesson about why you should be good kids. So you don't have to come to Dr.

Shut the fuck up! Oh, you just shot me with a paintball gun. I keep a paintball gun under the desk. At close range, Dr. Blisterfingers, who's funding this? Who's funding this? Someone wants you to bring in kids. kids and burn them? I assume it's like PBS or something.

What does PBS stand for? Public Podcast Systems or something. I don't know who's signing my checks. Paintball. School. Sounds like you're just torturing kids for free. Okay. Is that so bad that I'm doing a service to the community? But just in case any kids are tuning in and want to learn some real science.

No! No! This is a fake program for bad kids to get punished for being bad kids by being with me. Dr. Mustafa. Oh, getting kind of lightheaded. An object in motion stays in motion. Not because of how I'm talking, because of how much paint I've had today. Paint. Are you eating the paint balls? Oh, yes, I'm eating paint.

Paint the beverage, dumbass. You drink paint. You look like you've been also chewing on the paintball pellets. Dumbass. If you get it just right, you can gush it as it's going down your esophagus and get a blast of paintball that doesn't stain your mouth. Oh. I brought a volcano. You brought a volcano?

Well, a model volcano. Yeah, no shit. I didn't think you brought a fucking freaking damn freaking damn islands to the radio show. You've clearly been kissing the mirror because there's paint marks in a kiss for him all over the mirror. Hey, I'm not on trial here. I lost that trial

and had to pay compensatory damages in the form of a television show for bad kids to be punished. I want to learn about your volcano. Show me how it works. We're going to take a potato. and we're going to turn it into gold. Get those cords out of that potato.

Now, out. Don't tell something out of me. I'm a nice man. Outside of this, I'm a really nice man. Ask me how many snakes I own. We can see them. We can see them. They're all over the place.

Wrong again, dumb asses. You can't own snakes. Snakes are for everybody. One's on my foot. One's on my foot. It's swallowing me. What are you putting in your volcano to get it to erupt? If you make that volcano erupts on one of my snakes,

which are not mine, there's snakes that belong to the community. I will kill you with paintballs. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to try to make gold potatoes, okay? Do you mean, like, gold russet potatoes? Like the kind of potatoes that you, like... Who's the doctor? Meesey-use.

I don't think you are. Missy-use. Are you, Judge, her, binks? I'm at best. I'm living my best, quote-unquote, life. And this is my second act. Oh. Your ankle monitor is beeping, like,

Crazy. That's not an ankle monitor. That's a modern lizard that's living on my ankle. They hate snakes. Do not get the snake. Okay, fine, fine. You know what? Fine.

I've lost complete control of this show. Okay, you're obviously not bad kids. You're obviously interested in science. I can't burn you. Ow. Ow. Stop saying ow. You keep shooting us with paint balls.

I get it. But you should be desensitized to the violence at this point. It's been a lot of paintballs. What are you? What are you to do? want to do. You want to do science? Yes, please. Let's do some science. Let's do some science. Fine. Let your good kids. You got good grades. Let's do good science.

Science is awesome. I love science. What would you like to make? An airplane engine? Oh, boy. You know how to make an airplane engine? That would be amazing. Yes, technically I have to make my own because I'm on a no fly list. What'd you do? It's racism. Okay. My mom's waiting in the car outside. We card pulls together. You have parents? Yeah, we should go. They usually send the orphans.

That's really dark. What? You know what? Let's drop a pin for this is. So we'll be able to find it later when they ask us where this guy is staying. Yeah, in court. Yeah. Oh, yeah, fine.

Let's all go back to court. Ow. Ow. You know what? I'm getting a little bit sick of all of the ows coming out of you. Thank you for having us. Thank you, sir. Here's a gift.

We pulled our allowances and bought you this. What? Okay. Not necessary, but let me open up the... Because tomorrow's Christmas, sir. my god it's christmas and on christmas everyone deserves a gift this is one of the most thoughtful gifts i've ever received is this live or dead goose this is dead mostly dead we thought that you would want to do the honors sir oh i would be honored to do the honors this is honestly very nice a few

children this is a very thoughtful gift silent night oh holy keep singing keep singing look away Look away. Rebecca, look away. Ow! Ow! See. Well, how to follow that? Okay, so just to go over, like, ground rules,

I don't think anyone in the neighborhood knows that we got a pool installed. Okay. So let's just make it through the block party, not mention it to anyone. Yeah. And then if we... What are you talking about that?

I told, like, like, every kid on the block. Fuck. They were wondering about the noise. You're grounded. We're ruined. We're ruined. We're ruined. It's the beginning of summer.

Hold on. Be on my team. Seth, you're grounded. No. It's the beginning of summer. Dad, please. You knew the block party. I didn't tell mom about your affair.

Please. What? I told you. I know. I knew. Ellen from work. I just wanted to act surprise for... I know.

Yeah. What? I've been crying myself to sleep. Torn up about that tall mom. I wish you would have talked, asked me about it because it wasn't an affair. It was a hall pass. Yeah. He was getting back at me also because I did some stuff.

Mom. I'll tell you. She entered into a handjob contest in Kansas City. Did you win even? No. Which is almost worse. Which is almost worse. That's so much worse.

Yeah. But if you know, if you have to know, Seth, the gulf between first and second place, she never would have hit. Ew. Such a chasm. Such a chasm. And can I tell you something? I just wondering who got, who got first? You've never heard of him.

Oh, it's not time for Abbott Costello. Well, yeah. Yeah, where does he live, though? Kansas City. It was Paul Rudd. Yeah. go Jayhawks. You know, I, and he's truly a Jayhawk, if you know what I'm saying.

We know Paul. We know Paul. Okay, I'm definitely not grounded. You guys are at worst. You are grounded because you told the neighborhood about the pool, which is a secret pool. You knew that the block party kicked off summer. You knew we didn't want everyone in the neighborhood in the pool. We were going to open it quietly next week after the block party. They're not offbound.

People were going to find out of the pool anyway. People are wandering each other's yards. It's half the reason for the blubberts. We had a fenced-in yard with a lock, Seth. They were never getting in our yard. Look at our backyard. right now. Not to dwell on the handjob contest.

I do feel like I deserve first. But what happened was I made it to finals using my left hand. And then at the finals, I go, I have a secret. And they go, what? And I go, I am not left-handed. And no one enjoyed it. No one thought it was fun. For the different rounds.

Well, what your mother didn't know. Tug. Completion jerk, completion tug. Two z's, three-zies. 500 meter, 100 meter, 1,000 meter. um distance to see who could um yeah to kind of shoot the farthest what your mother didn't know was that it was not like uh oh you have to compete compete and complete everything day of the actor paul rudd had been doing it for weeks leading up to the contest so his numbers

were just probably all the people who were the judges were kind of like dry by then and like didn't want another hand job the judges aren't getting the hand jobs who's getting the hand jobs anybody everybody then who's just someone's watching someone get a hand job and judge the handjob, watching the hand job? Yeah, technique. Stroke. No, that's not how. You judge a hand job when you're receiving a hand job.

You're 16, Seth. You shouldn't know anything about judging a handjob, okay? You're being disgusting. You're being disgusting. How do you know how good of a hand job is it? It is by looking at it. You know. When you see it, you see it.

When you see it, you see it. No, you don't know. Have you ever seen eight and a half? Fellini? Yeah. The first time I saw it, I said that's cinema. Because before it's like I watched three ninjas. and Three Ninja Strike Back.

What does this have to do with hand jobs? I'm saying it's a feeling you get. Like when I saw eight and a half. Yeah, that's a feeling that you're experiencing. It washed over me and I said, that's film. I would never say someone is great at hand jobs if I've only ever watched them give hand jobs and not received their hand jobs.

I can, the path to neighborhood's in our pool. Look at the pool. Oh, my God. Seth, you are so grounded. You are grounded. If in two years you want to enter, that's fine. But until then, you were respecting. Ew, my mom.

What's in that? That your mom is... Wait, as someone who's giving hand jobs? Huh? Giving... Not until you're 21, but you can enter as a receiver when you're 18. No. Wait, that's stupid.

You should be able to do both if you're at the same age. No. It's a brain development thing. You would think both? It's a brain development thing. Yes, your brain is not fully developed until you're 25. You can't do shot put and the 100 sprint, right? Different body builds.

Same with your mom. Look at my forearms. Your mom's barred from entry. Wait, then, how'd you get second? after you compete once, you are barred from competing in future contests. Yeah. Well, then how do you know that you're good at it? Paul Rudd tells you.

Paul Rudd tells you. I'm going to go swim. You are not going to swim. Seth, you're grounded. Yeah. I bet the whole neighborhood didn't even wash their feet before they got in the pool, which is the number one rule of using a community pool. You guys are disgusting.

Why do you care? We are. How are we disgusting? Celebrating the beautiful connection between a hand and a penis. Mom, I thought you were a bodybuilding. I didn't even I didn't even have anything to do with the handjob contest

I How do I get out of the scene? Has sex with a woman from work? Scene, honey, life is not the scene. Look at my bainty forearm. See? Honey, stop yelling. You're causing a scene.

Hey, I'm Greg Blueberries and this is the homeowner's hotline the only call and advice show for homeowners by one homeowner to help you with all that is going wrong or maybe going right in your home. Looks like the switchboard is lighting up. Say your name and where you're from.

Yeah, my name is Mike Sullivan and... Oh, no last names, Mike. You know what, don't say where you're from. Just be Mike Sullivan. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay, just a quick reminder. So we had to let go on Mike. Just say like, you could say, like,

for me, I would say Greg and Minnesota. And that would be how I would identify myself. If you do anything more, how to say it? Bad people listen to this show. There are bad people everywhere. And some would say that there are no evil people, but I've been doing this show for 10 years, and I know for a fact that is wrong.

Evil exists. It lives in men's hearts. And we can't stop them from watching the show. So they will find you if you tell them who you are and where you are. But I can't have a conversation with you. person to person if I don't know your name and a little something about you. So, we're going to take more calls. Just say your name and where you're from.

My name is Mike Sullivan. No, Mike, you're dead. You're already gone. They already have enough for you, Mike. We could leave Mike on the line and we could all listen to Mike die. If you want to hear a man die on the phone, because that's how fucking dead Mike is. I'm sorry? Phone board lights up.

I'm sorry. Again, this is, I'm Craig Blueberry. This is a home. owner advice show. That's all it is. Let's go to the next call. Your name and where you're from. Hey, Greg, we're on the way to Mike. We're about a minute out. Thank you, Gregie, baby. Why do you do it? Why do you? Listen to any other show. Oh, oh, also, why I, while I have you, should I get, like, flood insurance? It only happens, like, once in our basement. If you live in a floodplain area, yes, it could happen. No, we had a pipe freeze and then it flooded.

Then no, I don't, if it's just a pipe freezing issue, I think just take care of the pipes, and that'll clear up the issue. Ah, we're here. Time to kill Mike. Well, don't do it now. Ah, ha. Who's there? Mike, how are you still on the line? I'm not. I'm at my door. Who's talking? We got a special delivery. All right, off, off. We're not going to listen to another man die, okay?

Hey, here's the good news. They've killed. They've already killed tonight. They usually don't do it more than once in a night. So, let's just keep Opsack, okay? Let's keep that in mind. When I take the next call, let's do name, let's do where you're from, and let's do no information. Just information about the house and the problem, okay?

I don't want to have any other people die because of me. Not that it's because of me. Greg Blueberry is not sending these men. I do not control them. I'm not activating them in any way. Let's take one more call. Hey, my name is Joey Buttholes. I'm a little panace.

I live right next door to my... No, no, no. Joey's gone. If you're listening and you live next to Mike... I'm not, dog, Joey, are you home? Is my button not working at all tonight? He's there. A special delivery.

Joey, weren't you panty to say? Oh, special delivery. Come right in. Joey was always gone. He was never going to make it. I'm surprised he made it this long. If you live in that neighborhood, go to your basement right now. Stop watching the show.

wherever that is and please God don't tell me where it is just stop watching the show let's take a call from literally anywhere else in the country okay let's just do a call you know what I'm breaking my own rule because the show started off so rocky tonight tell me nothing about your life

just tell me about your problem next caller let's go what is the homeowner advice that you need caller hi I'm Faith Nielsen I live two doors down from Mike and I don't have a basement should I get one should I I hide in my attic? What do you think I should do? I'm Faith Solomon.

Keller the attic. Faith, you could get in the fastest car known to man and start driving now and nothing would save you. There is a reckoning coming for you, Faith, because you, Faith, cannot listen to simple instructions. Greg, Blueberry, you always caused so much chaos around this town. You've caused like a million deaths. It's crazy. Why are you still on the air? I don't want to do this, okay? I don't my social security number? Faith. Faith, I do not.

Here's my dilemma, folks. If I stop doing the show, people's houses go to shit. People do not know how to maintain their houses without Greg Blueberry. If I keep doing the show, some people die. It's like if you have a button

and you press the button, someone somewhere in the world dies, but if you keep doing the show, people's little household projects get fixed. All right, let's take another call. The next caller on the line. Uh, yeah, I have a problem with my home. Okay, please.

Let's launch into this. Uh, my name's, my initials are R-R-T. That's all we need. And I just want to make sure I'm talking to Greg Blueberry at 2011 West Irving Park. Gregie boy, knock, knock, knock, knock, a special delivery. And knock, knock, knock, knock. You don't understand. Knock, knock.

What you've done. Knock, knock. They can't kill me. A knock, knock, knock. I'm the one man they need to keep alive, because no one else will sit behind this desk and send them out into the world. Shoots a bow and arrow through your neck.

Both. Both through your neck. That's impressive. See that. Creating to find out of five. Starring Aaron Chief. And John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did be editing

Now are he parents in the music Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Napurice One, two, three, four, hate riddle, rich, Oh, two, three, four, hey, riddle, rich. Hey, there, chat ours, and boxes. If you like that, do I'm gonna love this week's Patreon.

It's another ch-ch-ch-ch-chatterbox where we answer your questions from the Discord. You can listen to that, plus our entire back. catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for five dollars a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for eight dollars a month plus to get those ad-free episodes see you there that was a hate gum podcast