Hey Riddle Riddle - #400: A Most Puzzling Season

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

Who will be the this season's Riddle Diamond? Only the Queen can decide!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. First gentle listener, welcome back to the tawn for the 400th time. A place where wealth is inherited, feelings are repressed, in silence is often mistaken for yearning. I am your narrator, the anonymous Lady Puzzledown. This is a world governed not by laws, but by glances, not by justice, but by reputation, not by love, but but by the simmering horniness that can occasionally turn into marriages. Each year, society gathers for The Season, a months-long ritual in which young eligible singles are presented like decorative desserts

while their elders watch closely, judging posture, prospects, and how well you're pulling off an unbuttoned, ruffled shirt. At the center of this ritual sits the queen, watchful, amused, and dutchful. devastatingly honest in a world built entirely on polite lies. It is she who names the seasoned diamond, the debutante judged most dazzling, most admired, and most likely to get the most airtime. This year's diamond is Miss Arabella Riddleslark,

beloved for her wit, love of games, and classically beautiful space. suitors have arrived, as they always do, all noble, all wealthy, and all eager to win her hand. Ordinarily, these gentlemen would compete through waltzes, duels, and boring conversations about the weather on the promenade. But this season, dear listener, the queen has grown bored. The courtship shall be decided not by dancing, by dowries, but by, parlor games, riddles, conundrums, and mischief. Two gentlemen will compete for Miss Riddlelock's hand. One shall reveal himself a hero, the other something else entirely. Let the season

begin! My ton, it is ball season, which means it is once again time. for ambition to masquerade as romance. Tonight, we'll do things differently. Two gentlemen will compete for the favor of our diamond. I will be watching, I will be judging, and I will be merciless. Miss Riddlelark, please observe closely. And gentlemen, do try not to embarrass yourselves. Now, you're the one who said it's ball season.

Oh my gosh, did I? Oh no. Um, that, no problem. I can recover from that. People might forget. Mr. Bimblesbum, please introduce our two suitors. I'll presenting Lord Percival Thistlewick. Tall, earnest, clever, arrogant with the looks to back it up, and the heartthrob of the tawn.

Not my type. but I totally get it. I mean, look at him. Wowy-Zowie. Now that I'm getting a better look, he's not not my type. He's from a rich family, too. Colin Firth's looking motherfucker.

Wait, yep. Yes, he is my type. He's gorgeous. Oh, man, please give me a short speech, Lord Percival Thistlewick. You're too kind. Thank you for the introduction. And my queen, thank you for having me in the court.

14 women faints. And a bird flies into the window trying to get closer to him. I apologize for being soaking wet. I stepped off the carriage. I saw a young child who was in the mud stuck, and I unstucked them and gave them a fortune so they could start their own sort of line. in the countryside.

But that does not explain why you are soaking wet to the bone, can see through your white ruffled shirt. Oh, the rain. That would be my fault. Your queenship, I was going to unstick the boy with a jug of water. No, it's actually too hard to look at him, and then at you, the juxtaposition is... Some say the contrast actually helps, my lord. It hurts, it hurts.

The rain, you were saying something. You were saying something about, who, the raid. Yes. Me, no. Oh, is it? Can someone kill him? Yes, thank you.

Someone's going to be here in one second. Just hold tight. My queen, if I may, please. Just right here. Just right here. Would it not be more merciful instead of killing him to just chop off his arms and legs? Ah.

That way he's punished, but has a second chance at life. Lord, Percival Thistlewick, you are the light of the ton. Yes, of course. Your mercy knows no bounds. So I'm not killing him. I'm chopping off his arms and his legs. Yes.

Oh, it's okay with me. We have to look at us barrels. How did people this poor get in here? I'm going to have to check on security. Thank you so much for being here, Lord Percy. Off you go to chop off your arms and your legs. Make sure to cauterize the wounds. Oh, Percival, Thistelwick.

Lord Thistlewick, thank you so much for joining us. You can sit right here as we await your competition, although who could compete with you? Very good. Smell like oranges. I ate an orange. Um. Ahem, ehem.

Now introducing your competition. The Dark Horse of the Season Who Rode Up on a Dark Horse Tricky, conniving, oily, grandiose, cunning Not my type at all, kind of a bad boy That you want to see if he'll change for you

And sort of your love will soften him Would probably look really roguish in the rain Sort of reminds me of Clive Owen Actually now that I'm getting a better look at him I can see him up close I totally get it and I'm totally into it Oh, I'm now smelling him and he smells like pine and like a musk. Wow, we are rich and hot guys here.

Viscount Barnaby Shiftythorpe. Viscount, please give a short speech. Hello, your majesty. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. I'm sorry for my lateness. I was supposed to arrive yesterday evening, but I was delayed hunting in the countryside. You see, I was hunting the most dangerous game.

Nothing the most dangerous game. What could you all open? Dangerous game? Bears? Bears? No, not bears. It's right bears? No, not bears. Something much more dangerous. Docks, cats?

Years ago, I found a deer in the forest. And instead of killing the deer, I taught the deer had a duel with a blade. Dueling deer? No, not a duel with a blade. It just so happened that this was one of the most virile deer in the entire forest. So it did what virile deer do best, and spawned an entire lineage of deer. All of them, born of the sword.

Now, every year, on my birthday, under 30, hold for applause, hold for applause. Kill that man. I go out into the forest with nothing but my bare buttocks and exposed blade. Two women, fate. And do, kill those women, and do battle with every deer that dare stand before me. Your Majesty, I present to you enough deer to feast for the entire celebration. Oh, ah, is that why you're covered? and blood.

And why I smell like pine. I motioned to my left and like a baggage train of deer with like impaled by various swords is like dragged into the hall. Wow. You brought a gift.

I am most impressed. Bon Appetit to whomever wishes to partake. And speaking of bone appetite, I hope that my bone appetite will be quenched later this very evening.

Queen slides off her chair. I go and kiss the queen's hand. All right, gentlemen, please introduce yourselves to each other and do a gentleman's shake, a gentleman agreement. This will be all above board. Fis count Barnaby, your reputation precedes you. You might know my uncle, Charles Danube. Charles Danube, yes, I do believe I've made your uncle's acquaintance, but it's...

What a pleasure it is to make your acquaintance, Lord... He was hunting on your grounds, disguised as a deer, when he met his ill-time death. Well, everyone must go at a certain time, Lord Whistle-Dick. It's this a wick. Oh, not the way I heard it, it's not. Oh, you were hunting in the countryside? I've heard you are cunting in the countryside. Silence.

No one's going to do better than that. The game shall work as follows. Each round, you can earn up to two points. You will earn those two points if you nail the answer. You use witty reasoning and show good showmanship. You get the answer quickly, two points. You get one point if you get it with a hint. hint or several hints.

You get zero points if you simply fail to get it right. However, I can award plus one favor for manners or minus one for scandal if you are out of line or say anything disgusting. Is that clear? Well, it's clear to me. and the only thing that is going to be disgusting is the wind from Lord Thistelwick's mouth. It'll be gusting through here. My queen, I don't know if you heard earlier,

but in sort of a soft-spoken voice directly to Barnaby, I said, hunting in the countryside, more like hunting in the countryside. And I would like for you to give yourself a point for that. We're not going to be... Thank you for reminding me. Very good, my queen. If you deem it so.

Yeah, you will start with one point. Mm. Cunting in the countryside is the new merch. Look for it on the tea public shop. Very good, my queen. Very good. Very good. We'll sell zero of them, my queen.

Very good. In the Regency era, there were riddles of refinement. Each word broken into parts. Each part offering a clue until it revealed the whole. Special thank you to. my friend Michael, who submitted a lot of these to me in 2024, and was the inspiration behind this episode. My queen, when you said, revealed the whole, just know I gave a wink.

Ah, a wink, W-H-I-N-K. Very good, my lord. I hope the riddles aren't the only thing revealing the hole this week. And I kissed the queen. How dare you, sir, takes off glove, smacks you in the face. I will not have such language in front of the queen. and sweet Arabele. By count, a rebuttal?

Well, normally, for a glove snack like that, I'd have to pay two pittance down at the local dock. But, Lord this will wake from you, I'll take it for free. Queen, he's getting off on it, please. Queen!

We all are. It would be a glass-house's situation if I were to take a point away. My first wettens, the wild to create, new life. My second adorns a young girl's hair until she becomes a wife.

My hole can lead to pots of gold ending years of strife. Rainbow. Yes. Yes, it's a rainbow. I was going to say leprechaun. Two points to you, my lord.

I would like to donate my points to charity, my queen. Charity, do you want those points? Now I'm all of all. I'm eating the deer like it's a corn on the cob. Sorry, my queen. I have only thus seen Charity, never heard her spoke.

I feel like I'm going to take a big step away from Charity. I've got a beautiful face and a voice that doesn't match a beautiful face. And they do like a four minute of musical break that everyone knows all the lyrics to and the full dance. It's like if Kate Upton spoke like Vinny Jones. Silence! Two points to you, my lord. Very good, my queen. My first I would venture for.

My second, I would venture in. My whole is more talked of than practiced. Link? Hmm. More talked of than practiced. Venture in? Yes, what's something in the 1800s that you would use to get around? Perhaps on a longer journey.

Oh, reputation. No. Oh, a long horse. No. A U-horse? No. Not a horse at all. Not a horse at all.

A mode of transportation. A train. No. Pig train. Do we have... And do we have those? United States. Ah, no.

Yes. A boat or a ship. A ship, yes. So now you know the second part of the word. A ship. Relationship. Mm-hmm. Close.

What kind of a relationship? Ship. A courtship. Not a courtship. Fuck my ass. Who is someone you would venture for? Someone you would do something nice for. Someone you'd like to hang out with.

Oh, thank you. My love, but I feel like I could really grab an ale with you, my queen. Oh, thank you. You've got a Joe the plumber vibe. Um, my queen. I'm sort of a hockey mom. Someone you would... Do you remember Sarah Palin?

Yes, I do remember, yes. Yes, very good, my queen. Someone you would want to hang out with, you said, can you repeat the riddle one more time, my queen? Whistle ship. Nope. What are you? Thistlewick is your name.

Are you on well? Are you saying that your name is Lord Whistle Ship? My queen, would you repeat the riddle, please? Do do, do, do, do, do, do. My queen, is this a hint, or is this sort of a jeopardy style? Is this a theme song? Is this a theme song? Is this a theme song?

In me. Oh, a friendship. A friendship. Oh. Ah, well, I think the Viscount said it first. So you can give yourself one point Viscount. Yes, because I needed a lot of help. You did. You did indeed.

My first is somewhat soft in yellow, especially in the spring. See, doctor, my queen. Oh, you think? He's just going to suggest bloodletting again. My next are busy, melding fellows forever in service. Butter, something with butter. No? You said soft and yellow.

Like a miragold or a flower. Soft and yellow. Especially in the spring is not entirely helpful, I don't think. Gold is soft and yellow. It's malleable in yellow. It's soft. I think we're more looking for edible in yellow. Butter.

Edipal? No. Oh, a horse. A horse. A horse that fucks your mom. No. A horse that fucks like your dad. No, not this time.

What is edible and yellow? Fruit. Ah, yes, which kind? Honey-dew, pineapple. Cantoline? I would say perhaps the most, or second-most. Lemon? Yes, a lemon.

Oh. My queen, but pineapples are rentable for 5,000 gold per day. My queen, would this be a lemon... How do you know what a pineapple is? Even with your wells, you shouldn't know. Would this be a living party, my... my queen? No.

Would you like it to be? Minus one point for being proud. But come on. If we don't know what pineapples are, we don't know what lemon parties are. When you rush to help someone, you are giving them aid. Yes. Yes. One point for you, Lord Percival, Thistlewick.

Whistle ship. What? What? What? With life hands you lemons. Or you inherit them. might I suggest adding sugar? Several women start taking off their clothes.

Ladies, ladies, please relax. It'll be a while. We have quite a while. My first is nothing but... This one kind of stinks, but we're doing it anyway. My first is nothing but a name. My second's still more small. My whole of so much smaller frame,

it has no name at all. This one's very confused. Yes, the whole has no name. But it kind of gives you the answer in it. My first is nothing but a name. My second's still more small. My hole of so much smaller fame. It has no name at all.

This is like a surname or like a nickname. No name at all. A name is in it. Name. Name is the first half of the word. The second is still more small. name I like name tag Name tag

Name tag is funny Walking around court wearing a name tag Not as much as it could be It has Speaking of name tags I do want to point out to the court That there is someone here

With a name tag that says Frank What's Are we the is monsieur I am here for both Susan Urban de mid wife Wes

We killed the other guy but we're not killing this guy. Frant to frog. And frog and food black and white cocktails. I escaped frant so I would not be eating for my legs. Ten lady frogs think. And bonjour, bonjour, champagne, bonjour. Is it nameless?

Yes. Ah. The frog said yes. One point. My first is a contraction for company. My second denotes a recluse. My third forms part of the ear. My whole is but a quibble.

Ah, quibble, quick biblble. That's what we call short Bible stories that you can watch on your... Oh, the timing of those short Bible stories was so bad though. It's because remember it was during that plague? That plague that happened for a year. And I almost said that you could watch on your,

and I was trying to pull a one for one. I almost said a goblin phone. That's not what we're doing here. Check out, gum shoes and dragons, wherever you find podcasts. Can you believe that Tooby and Quibi were both existed on the same timeline, but were different companies? Ah, I just saw that Shakespeare play.

Quibi, Quibi, Quibi or not Quibi. A point for each of you, a bonus point, please. Well, that's the same as having no point at all. A point for each is a point for none, my queen. And you mentioned the whole is but a quibble, and my queen, I would pay a king's ransom to see your butt-ho quibble. Oh, that wasn't even subtle, my lord. Your but-whole quibble.

I'll give them a point for that. I love that, my queen. Okay, new porn cert. Unlocked. My first is a contraction for company. My second denotes a recluse. My third forms part of the ear. That's probably the most helpful part of the hint.

My hole is but a quibble. Okay. C-O-R-P-C. Com-Hermit. Ink, I-N-C. Co? Is right, first. Co-o.

What's part of the ear? Co-lobe. Co-clear. Oh, my queen. Oh, is it Colobb? No. The idiot farmer who raises the horses? Oh, were you calling an idiot farmer?

Colob, I didn't see you there. Colob. It's like everyone's saying Colob, but it's Caleb. Your name tag says Colop. Oh, folk. And you indeed. What, name different parts of the year. Remember, this has three, this, uh,

Anvil, hammer, three syllables, stirrup, inner, outer drum. Yes. Codrum, conundrum. Yes.

A conundrum. Thank you. A nun is a recluse. Is there a nun in the court? No, no nuns? Yes, just a woman singing. Carry on. What is the condition of life?

From which, if you take all trouble, there will yet remain some. Troublesome. Yes, two points, my lord. Interesting, yes, troublesome. Oh, and please give yourself one point for getting conundrum with a hint. My first... Every time I, to use a polite term for court, hook up with someone, it's technically having a troublesome.

You should not be hooking up, with anyone outside of marriage. Oh. You are a man of society. You are saving yourself for your wife as she is for you, I am sure. Of course, of course, my queen. I'm talking about, I'm talking about blow jobs and rim stuff. Oh, yes.

A gentleman's play. Yes, quibbles, small bits. In all this old world's days and years, my first, how bad it is. My last, how sad it is. yet my whole the heart endures. Let's see. The first is how bad it is and the last is how sad it is? Mm-hmm.

Um-hmm. This one's a little confusing, but it's from the 1800s, so what are you going to do? That's the time we're in now. My queen, you can just say our time. Our town is a play that doesn't exist yet, but look forward to it. But there's a young boy in it. Thornton Wilder, I believe. Kill that boy.

Oh, never mind. Save us from the trouble. I don't want to watch two people fall in love on a ladder or whatever the fuck happens in our town. Okay. Like a malady. Would it be like a malady or bad? No, something, what is when you do something bad? A punishment off with your head.

No, no. You would be disciplined. if he doesn't move dad. Forgive me, father, for I have. Yes. Sinbad. Oh, is it the comedian, Sinbad, the jester? No.

Sinbad, come in here and do your full voice. I've often found that I've often found that I was much less funny when I was riding my carriage. But back when I used to take the communal horse, I found I was much funnier. Did you ever notice how nobles ride horses like this? Whereas peasants tend to. ride horses like this. That is true. Truth in comedy.

Yes. Writing that down. Off with his head. That's something. Sin. The second half is, what's the second clue? How sad it is. The second half is not going to be helpful.

My whole, the heart endures. So like... In dears, just like my uncle. What's something that is like, earnest. Sincere. Sincere, sincere. Ah, sincere. Please give yourself

one point, Mr. Vey account. Yes. My first rules the day and banishes night. My second measures worth, favor or praise. My whole warms the heart and reveals what was hidden.

Sunlight. You're so close, but the second half is a different word for... Moonlight. Sunshine. Yes, sunshine. Sunshine.

Please give you... I'll give you two points for that. My queen is speaking in tongue. She's a witch. She's a witch? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

How about one... Should I dose her with this big jug of water? She's a witch? No, thank you. Still the queen. Do that man. I don't have arms and legs, so it would have been hard. All right.

Well, I have arms and legs. legs. Are we just saying stuff? I have one arm and one leg. All right, this is not a show and tell. That wasn't an invitation. But I brought them. Everyone has their little trinkets that they love, that they're holding. My queen, for the last, for sunshine, how many points did I receive?

You got two points. And my queen, since we are in the presence of a bycount, could we count up our points? Yes, we're in the middle of the round, but if you want to... Oh, my queen. I apologize in the middle of a row, row your boat Go row your boat gently down the street Gently merrily merrily Somebody wants told me

Somebody once told me All right Three points I have three points Now that we're all caught up I'm going to do two more and then we're going to take a quick break for little sandwiches with cream cheese and cucumber and very, very mild tea. Here we go. I hope that's not the only cheese getting creamed this night, my queen.

Minus one point. That one's gross. They're all going to be gross, my queen. It's a place of judgment, gossip, and law. My second sets sail with hope and risk. My hole begins with glances and ends with vows. Court. ship.

Yes. Oh, about to each other. We solved it. What a team. What a team we would make. Not that I see your eyes, you are beautiful. Your eyes are like chip sapphires. Sprays with water, sprays with water.

You cannot start fucking each other. But, my queen, we were going to ivory. Fair enough. If they have that here. When we go on a break, You can do a quickie in the name of heated rivalry. Very good, my queen. To honor it?

I'm more of a challengers man myself. One is kind of queer baiting and one is... Well, the Eiffel Tower, my queen, involves a third person. The heated rivalry thing... It does? Well, let's go on break fast. Previously wanted to. She's a witch!

She's a witch! First keeps you alive. Though you rarely thank it. My second snaps. once was whole. My whole teaches poets their trade. Air. Yes. Breath, breathless. Breath bud. Breath bud. There's nothing in the rules that says breathbutt can't play basketball. There's nothing in the rules that says a queen can't be a part

of the Eiffel Tower, not in the spot that you think. Middle? Any spot's good. Can you read the second part again, my queen? My first keeps you alive, though you rarely think it. My second. My second, snaps what once was whole. My whole teaches poets their trade. What keeps you alive inside of your body?

The heart. Yes. Heartache. Heart. Break. Break. Yes. Unfortunately, the Lord did steal that from you, Mr. Viscount said.

And my queen, may I say that heartbreak somehow feels good. In a place like this. All right, we're going to take a quick ten. The three of us will Eiffel Tower, and we will be back moment. Frank, can you help direct us for this Eiffel Tower? Hey, bonjour, bonjour, get consent first, because it's essential number two. Put your eyes up.

And there's a zan number three. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. I'm so hungry. Does anybody have a website I can eat? Oh, websites sound so good right now. Oh, close your eyes and just picture like the biggest, juiciest website probably made by Squarespace. Oh, yum, yum, yum. Oh, that's right. You can use Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business.

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Do you think food.com is taken? Probably not. No, it is. Yeah, it is. Oh, dang. Hey, Aaron, hey, JPC. Can you guys help me figure something out? Oh, sure.

Always. I have this charge. I pull up my bank account here. I have this charge. It says JPC tax $5,000. It's like a monthly deduction? Oh, I, yes. Yeah, that should be good.

No, no. I, Adel, go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you. Oh, thank God. We signed up for the free trial like three months ago, and then we forgot about it. And I noticed it. I got like a ping from Rocket Money in my email, and they let me know that I had been paying for... Lost another one to Rocket Money. Oh, man.

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view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years way before they were ever a sponsor. And I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is. Yeah, I love Rocket Money. But Aaron, I do hate that voice. Was that JPC? It's not like a Rumpel-Stiltskin type voice. Did you hear that? Yeah. No, so that's just like, that's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off. Oh. That's kind of scary. We'll get with that later. Yeah.

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I just got a good night's sleep. JPC, how do I look? Yeah, good. Ooh, right. Where were we? That was quite exquisite. I don't know what I was fingering. You are the sandwiches. Lix's fingers wearing gloves. Oh, God. My first is what a clock eternally shows.

My second is less than many. My whole is praised far more than it deserves. Time few. Face time. What is something that is always on a clock? A face and on. A hand. Hands all of your body.

My second is less than many. A few. A hand few. Bless you. Handsome, handsome. Yes. You guys, has anyone ever told who you guys are hand few? My good.

One woman who was having a stroke. Ah, yes, yes, yes. If I count, you can award yourself one point for that. Ah, good. My friend. She's a witch. She's being a witch a lot. My queen.

Yes. I do have news. from the east. No, you're from the east. A war has started. Excuse me. Put it on my desk for Monday. Right.

We are in the middle of something. We're trying to get one woman, one husband. And that's sort of seemingly my focus. It's afternoon on Friday. This can wait till Monday. This could wait till Monday, right? It's 4 p.m. on a Friday.

If they're going to wage war, they're not expecting us to respond till Monday. Do you know what I mean? Of course, my lady. I'm technically, my lady. That's when they would attack, knowing that they've got a four, 48 hours to do. Right, but they're not going to give up their weekend. Their weekend.

Oh, my queen, a flaming arrow just entered my thigh. All right, then just take it, take as many as it takes, all right? It's a Friday. My queen. It's ball season. This is my favorite time of the year. My queen, I've got a flaming arrow near my thigh as well, and I simply must finish this game so that I can.

expose the prick of the arrow if you know what I'm saying, my queen. Oh, you've been hit, let me suck out the poison. Oh, yes, wait, take another ten. Do do, do, do, do, do do do do do do do do do do. Those noises are unrelated. All right, last one of this round. Let's keep it moving, shall we? Yes, let's do it.

My first follows night, whether invited or not, my second wanders without feet. My whole steals time while pretending to give Hope. Moonshadow. Day. Dayo. Day something.

Day Walker. Blade. Blade. Has my green seen blade? My queen. Wesley Snipes is a day walker. He is part human and part vampire. He can walk during the day when most vampires can go outside.

That is your last warning, my lord. My queen, have you seen Blade Trinity? I think you'd read. really like one particular frame from that movie. All right, hold on. My queen is holding up a poster board. Day what? My whole stills time while pretending to give hope.

Daylight. Day thief. Daybreak. Day song. Day man. The musical clues are so confusing. Daydream. Daydream.

Daydream. Thank you, my Lord. They are not confusing. if you know the songs. That's right. When I play heads up at any sort of family gathering or party, I'm good at the hummer. Hum ones.

I can do the humming. I'm good at humming to get people to guess a song. My queen, I never doubted for a minute that you would be the best in the kingdom at doing a hummer. Hum break. Thank you. One point for you. Hum break. Hold on.

What's the rules? Because that was also pretty nasty. I feel like I keep me. I don't know. At least it was more subtle than the others. You're right. Minus one for that point I just gave you. If you're going to fight the points, then you won't get the points. Now I don't remember every point I have. I would like each of you to pick a song, hum it for me,

and whoever does a better job will be rewarded two points. Who would like to go first? I insist that the Viscount goes first. Are we picking any song or a song that we think you will know? Yes. And then you will hum it by count, and then I will guess what it is. It is in the spirit of the show,

because I don't think either of you have watched a lick of it, but they put today's hits, and they hand it to an orchestra. And then the orchestra will play like, thank you next or something. And you're like, is that thank you next during this ball scene? They played put pit bull season three in a scene where a woman's getting fingered in a carriage.

Excuse me? They play an orchestral. version of... A woman was fingered in a carrot? Penelope Featherington was fingered in a carriage by Colin Bridgeton. Is this like Clue?

The least, yes. The least attractive of the Bridgeton brothers to the song. Fingers don't have faces by Queen. Penelope Featherington in a carriage with the fingers. Fingers don't have faces is the funniest thing

you've said all episode. One point for you. Hum, a song. and I will guess what it is. I've been nasty all episodes. Sometimes a good point. Don't give yourself the point. I'm trying to give you a point for saying something funny. You know what?

I'll point to you, my lord, for showing decorum and decency. Two points to Lord Whistle Ship. It's, my lady, I'm ready. I'm ready to do my hummer to you as well. All right, Viscount, you're up. We are not. On our 400th episode, bringing up five for fighting again. If you're still time for you.

All right. Not great. You weren't going the right tempo. Lord, this is with you are up. do it in the style of like the strings and all of that. I did say that, you're right. I'll report points at the end and you'll see if you'll get them. My queen, I just have to say, I did watch, how do I say this?

Not my wife. Watch some of Bridgeton. So I do know a little bit about, it's not just the Pitbull song. They do it Bridgeton style. Yes, they do. Okay, yes. And fingers don't have faces. This will week whenever you're ready.

Okay. I'm up here. Why do I feel like I'm at some sort of sporting event? Why do I feel like someone's about to spill a beer on me? Do do do do do do do do do what is it? What is the name of that song? It's from another nation, my queen. I thought that was...

That seven-nation army. This is zombie nation. They're here. They're getting closer. There's seven-nation army. There's several nations, my queen. In fact, I believe one of them is at war with us. Again, on Monday.

If the war is that important, it will be there on Monday. I thought you were going to go, Mm-hmm-hmm Mm-hmm Do do Do do do Do do Do do

Do do Do She'd Know that one Um Every Left be roses By the stairs

Surprises Everybody No she cares Cheetah She'd No No So it's not so

You know what I'm going to give Um One point To you my lord, because you did pick a song that didn't have lyrics, so that does make it easier. And then Viscount, I will give you two points. Ah.

For bringing up a song that we've brought up 400 times in as many episodes. I don't know whatever you mean, my queen. I don't either. Let's do a quick score check. Everybody give me an update on where you are at. My queen unless I've miscounted, which could be a reasonable concern because obviously I failed school because all my teachers slept with me. Of course. I have nine points, my queen.

Ah, ooh, clap, clap, cup, cup, cup, cup, clap, clap, cup, clap, cup, cup, clap, cop. Um, my queen, unless I've this counted, just a little joke on the way Viscounted, I believe I have. Hold on. You can have a point. Okay. I believe now I have six points. Oh, I'm going to get me a six points. But I'll say, I have been losing and gaining a lot of points and doing it to myself.

So if you're listening and you know how many points I have and that's a little bit off, I, hey, guys, I really apologize. I was legitimately trying this time. It sounds like, Lord, Thistlewick is in the least. lead. Congratulations, sir. My queen is only at your behest and due to your grace that I have any points at all. Mm, my ma'ma. Very good. Very good. Tuck it up to me. Love it. A strategy that I learned from Sir Bradley of Pitt from the F1 region is that sometimes it's better to draft behind your opponents so that you may overtake them.

Ah, draft behind. I'd like to F1. How do I feel about that joke? Calculating, calculating, calculating, calculating. I like to F one. Are you saying you like to have... You know what, I'm not going to take points away, but I'm also not going to award them. I was honestly having trouble and I like it.

I'm trying to unpack it. Now we're going to do two of these because I think these next type are quite exhausting. Your next round is letter deduction. You'll be trying to put together a complete word each line is a different letter you are trying to deduce. Oh, yes.

The way that this game, I think, is meant to be played is, as it goes, if you can guess the final word, we will stop it there and you will get the points. Got it. Two points, if it's sort of in the middle of the word, one point if you get it at the end. Ah, yes. All right.

Could we have an example, my queen? Yes. An example would do me right. My first is in flour, but not in rye. My second is in wet, but not in dry. My third is in below, but not in cry. My fourth is in rod, but never in whip. My fifth is running, but never in running, but never in skip.

My sixth is in yawl, but never in ship. My seventh is an error, but not in miss. My queen was right. This is exhausting. It is. I know we're only going to do two. I don't know how to keep track. My queen.

My first is in flower, but not in rye. Let's go one line every time. F, yes. Okay. My second is in wet, but not in dry. E. Yes. Yes.

Yes. It's got to be E because it wouldn't be W. Yes. My third is in below, but not in cry. B. Yes. February. Yes, my Lord.

Points awarded to you. My lord and thank God. This is going to be. Last was cold, cold kiss. It was February. You get two points. My queen, did you read the part about the cold kiss? No, I went by, because I didn't get to the end, but I just skipped to the end.

And are they all going to be long words like February? Oh boy. Okay. I sourced real ones, so this is what you're going to get. Yes, okay, yes. My first is in dinosaur, but not in motorcycle. Well, that could be a lot of letters, my queen. Are you pushing back?

against riddles written 200 years ago? Are you complaining? They didn't have TV or internet. They had to have these be so exhausting that it'd take longer in your day. To stand up for Lord Thistelwick, sometimes if you push back a little, it can be rather pleasant.

I'll sit down for Lord Thistelwick. And I'll stand up for it. Yes, it's stand up, yes. These are getting exhausting. We've done one. My first is in bloom, but not, in moth. Okay.

I got to assume it's B. My second is an apple but not in rose. I guess like a P? Yeah. No. I'm thinking A because so far they've all just been the first letter of the thing. I don't know if it's...

My third is in Lily but not in crowd. Okay. Balloon. No. My queen, is it balloon? Please. Great guess. Is it Ballroom?

It is Ballroom. Two points to the my count. Isn't it better when you get these early and I don't have to read all of them? My whole where romance is performed. My queen, can we go perform? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. My queen, did you just say

my whole where romance is performed? I know, and there was a mad dash to this, but technically Lord Wissilwick got there first and you cut him off to make the exact same joke. So one point to you. to you. Me? Whistle-ship, yes.

Whistle-ship? If I count, what did you like about the sentence I just said, or did you have umbrage with it? Were you upset by it? No, I just wanted you to know that I heard it, and I didn't say anything about it. You did, though. You did say something about it? No, no, I just said, did you just say? But that is saying something about it. If you acknowledge it at all, you're saying something about it, even if just to say that I said it.

I guess in a way, then saying nothing is the same as saying something. No, it's not. They're completely different. One, you keep your mouth shut and you hold your tongue. The second, you're saying something out loud, calling attention to it and giving more time to it than it deserves. I'd be willing to leave my mouth shut and hold your tongue, my queen. That sounds awful.

Hold my tongue with what? Your mouth shut? Uh-huh. my mouth shut. What do you think is holding your tongue, my queen? Oh, mine is a boyte. Yes. All right.

Actually, we're going to do one more of these. How about that? First, yes. Very good, my queen. My first is in candle, but not in silk. Okay. Probably see. My second is in harp, but not in tiara.

H? Yes, my third is in waltz, but not in rose. A? Is it a charm? My Charsar. My fourth is in opera but not in waltz. Chaos.

Chancellor. No. My fifth is in feather. Yes, P. Chaparone. Chaparone. Chaparone. Chaparone.

Ah, pink pony club. Two points to you. By the way, that would be perfect for an episode of Bricketts. I think, well, there was one in the most recent season. At the four-episode mark, Benedict Bridgeton is, falls in love with the maid, and she's running up the stairs, and he's running down the stairs. They meet in the middle. He fingers her, which always happens.

It's hot like Papa Johns. It's hot like Papa Johns. And I think that they did, was it hot to go? Let me Google this. What song plays while Lord? Bridgeton, Phyllis, Sophie. Why so much fingering on this show?

It's mostly that. Oh no, it's actually, no, never mind. It's an Olivia Rodriguez song. It's a bad idea. Yes. Is everyone in this show 17? Because that's the only reason that anyone should be like fingering this much.

Eventually you've got to grow up sometime. Don't knock until you try it. Fingers don't have faces. Yes. Yeah, I couldn't agree. my queen. All right. Final round. Final round. In this next round, I'm going to give you multiple tweets questions for something that Adel stated, I don't know who that is, just a man, that he did not like in an early episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. What is it that he said he did not like?

Erin Keefe. Yes, but that was under his breath and to the side. J.P.Z. 400 episodes. Adel likes puzzles, riddles, lateral thinking problems. Adel does not like... Trivia! Trivia! Things that you either know or don't know. Figuring, since you are in the lead,

Lord Whistle Ship, this'll... You made up these names, my queen. I know, and I'm doing a callback. Wait, wait, wait. Is he in the lead? Yes. I have 12 points. Whoa, where? You got 12 points. I think.

Yes. I got all... But I got all answers right in that last round. You got two of them right. He got one right. Oh, the first one was a warm-up, I thought. No, it wasn't. I ended up taking, I gave him two points for it. You, it ended up not being a warm-up? Ended not being a warm-up. He said, could we have a practice one?

He asked for an example. That doesn't mean I wasn't burning through a real one. Okay, okay. I understand. If you want, you can make up your points here in this multiple choice. I guess I want. You're going to have to buzz in quickly because this is going to come at your Fast. During the regency era, why did fashionable women often wear high-waisted gowns? Oh, a buzz.

All right. Who got it? I think I heard Lord. Remember, you have to say our names. I think I heard Lord Percival. Lord Percival. Okay, yes. My queen, they wore high-wasted gowns because it was easier for them to say my eyes are up here.

That is a great guess, but you did buzz in before I gave you the multiple choice. Fuck. Say the word and I shall end my life, my queen. No, no, no, no. Mine was also going to be a joke answer, so I could burn mine as well. Oh, yes, of course, please. Easier access for fingering on stairways or carriages. Mostly that.

A, to make it easier to dance all night. B, to echo the styles of ancient Greece and Rome. C, to hide forbidden pregnancies more easily. Easily. Cool. D, because I, the queen, communicated my distaste for traditional corsets. My queen, may I ask,

what constitutes a forbidden pregnancy? One that happens outside of marriage, of course. How high would the waist have to be to hide a pregnancy? They're really high. Yeah, it would be half like... They're right under the bus line. Right, under the bus, right?

Yes, that's exactly where they're cut. I'd say the pregnancy one, I guess. Has my queen seen the room? I'm looking at what it right now. Oh, hi, Mark. Is that your official guest? Yes, that's my official guest is the pregnancy one. You did not get it right.

It was to echo the styles of ancient Greece and Rome. How's foolish of me. You can't get pregnant by constantly getting fingered. What is the purpose of a calling card in Regency Society? Mm. A, to propose marriage discreetly, to prove one can read or write. Oh. To announce a social visit or request a meeting

Or to challenge someone to a duel. Thy count count on your buzz. I have to think it's C, my... Yes, to announce a social visit. Very good. Oh, thank you. Thank you, my queen. A point for you. Which beverage became wildly popular in Regency England? Cherry Pepsi?

The only beverage to ever become wild. This one, I don't think you need multiple children. choice for. Okay. What was the most popular drink in Regency England? It's not Mount Dubah Blas. Yes, Lord Percival. Is it Champagne? No.

Viscount for the steel? It's just the most popular beverage in Regency times? Pretty obvious. Is it wine? No. Is it water? No. Tea? Tea. Ah, tea. Of course.

Yes, of course. Tea, the thing that you can drink way more often than wine. Why would I say wine? You know what? People take a big up a wine at breakfast. That concludes our game. Please do a breakdown of your point.

Oh, breakdown. My name is part of me Shifty Thorpe. Here's the point. No, rap at the same time. You had the right idea. And five, six, seven, eight. Is it going to be music?

Do we have a court casey? Is it a coin case? There it is. Whenever you're ready, both at the same time, make your case. of why you should win Well, my name is Bonby Shifty Thor

and I'm the handsomest man at court I got ten points That's a hell of a lot And I got fingered I'm hot to trot If you catch me in the castle Know that I want my tongue In my hoot

Ah, my name is Percival thistle brick You can probably See my dick Or at least the outline of my balls Hey, everybody, climb the walls. There's a war going on. It starts Monday.

Today is not going to be mundane. Flaming arrow through the neck. Hey, everybody, hit the deck. There's a cannon ball coming from a cannon. I love wine. I love the tannins. Taste the grass. Taste the air.

My queen, dairy air. Love that asshole of my queen. When a quibble her butt hole like the queen. My queen, my queen Would it please you if we did some Beastie Boy style set up for each other? Yes, it would please the Queen for the 100th episode. Do it again, Casey. Do it again.

It would please the Queen. I don't mean to give a flex, but I am the best at six. That's it, that's it. That's it, that's it. Just that one. Just that one. Sex. Sex.

I'm telling you right now. Hold on. Hold on. 10 seconds is making the best of. Do that again. Do that again. Do that again. Do it again.

Same setup. Same setup. Same set up. I don't mean to make a flex, but I am the best at fucking. Mm. Fucking. I know I'm good. I know I'm right.

I can fuck all day. I can fuck all. Fucking day. baby. All right, enough, enough, enough, enough. Enough is enough. That concludes our game. You ended up with ten points.

You ended up with Lord Percival. How much did you have? My queen, what are points. What are points but tally marks in the air? Oh. Yes. Shouldn't it be connection and charisma and pure physical looks? Shouldn't your genes dictate what your score is?

Shouldn't my mother and father in their status And the fact that they came together And fingered each other all night long Which led to me being born Shouldn't that be the score? Ah, it's almost as if you read ahead on my script Lord Percival Thistlewick He can read

The score doesn't matter I'm going to let Miss Riddlelock Decide who she chooses Who's that? Oh fuck, she's She has like a sheet over her I forgot she's seen it Yes, she's here, and she's very mysterious. Oh, man, I thought we were going for the queen.

I've been doing nothing but innuendo to the queen. Shit. Wait, is Miss Stereus here? She goes, shh, and she wigs. Oh, yes. That's her with the big hat, a bunch of rings, and like an interesting bird. Miss Riddellock, Casey, if you want to do this, feel free. Okay.

You have seen these men think, falter, boast, and remember. reveal themselves. Instead of whoever one deciding who you end up with, I will let you choose, and you may factor in whatever you please. My queen, I never accept a man until he's fingered me on a set of stairs. Mm-hmm. Yes, well. Only one of these men was against the concept of fingering, so I suppose I'll have to pick the one who wasn't, Lord Percival Thistowick. Wait, I'm four-fingering That's what he is No, no, no, that's what it means

Oh, wait, you've been four-fingering? Okay, hey, props to you, brother. Well, the thumb simply won't fit. I've been back to-out at three, I've been back to-out at three. Two in the pink, one of the stink, of course. All right, I was going to say, if anyone wants to say something about 400 episodes, but I think you've said enough.

Four hundred episodes that we've done full of riddles. 400 episodes With stupid jokes We'll open up a podcast In Santa Fe I had nothing for that Dear listener May your riddles be sharp

Your dance is brief And your courtships Be Season 2 of Bridgerton Levels Hot Don't come from me That's the best season Season 4 is also pretty good so far I mean, they're all good, but Colin Bridgeton's not the best.

Thank you so much, Casey, Auntie Parrott, Attle, JPC, and every listener for 400 episodes. Don't come for me. Sounds like a servant on the stairs. Ah. No points. Take all of this point. Take all of this point. Take them all. Give them freely.

My lady, my lady, now that we are done with the riddle portion of the show, should we retire maybe to your chambers and, have some hot dogs. Ah. Ah, yes. I'd like to see a scene. See you in episode 401. Hey there, Dosenson and Owls.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's a museum lock-in. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Soh, hey, riddle, rental, by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus, you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a headgum podcast. I'll see.