Hey Riddle Riddle - #404: Episode Not Found

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

Error. Episode 404 not found.Starring:Adal RifaiThe Coan BrotherErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is the Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast. on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. So you see, if I put all the pieces together, who the murder is is actually quite simple. JPC, where were you when the episode started?

Okay, so, hmm, I don't... It's not technically jerking off, but what I was doing, It's like pre-jurking off. I was basically taking my hands and doing 30 seconds in the freezer, 30 seconds sitting on them. 30 seconds in the freezer, 30 seconds sitting on them. 30 seconds in the freezer, 30 seconds sitting on them. So that's like three minutes. And then I ran out of time and then I came right here for the episode to start recording.

Yeah. These things, I can't feel a fucking thing. Okay, well then I'm not, I don't think I know who the murderer is actually, if that's what you were doing. doing. So I am going to head out. Good luck. Solving the murder. That's fucking... Hey, riddle is a terrible place to be in. Jerking off putting your hands in the freezer. JPC, why did the... Well, time you detectively. What did you say? Oh, so he asked about my method for...

Well, that's not technically jerking off. He just asked about my general method for doing things. And so I did my, you know, my whole thing, 30 seconds in the freezer, 30 seconds in the freezer, 30 seconds sitting on my hands. 30 seconds in the freezer. 30 seconds sitting in the freezer. 30 seconds sitting in the hands. Yeah, then he just kind of left. I think he may have been the murderer.

Oh. Oh, it was me, but definitely. Oh, okay. Adel, do you want to record an episode or? Yeah. Why are your hands so cold, Adel? You don't have to answer that. Live in Chicago?

Okay. You weren't doing 30 seconds sitting on your hands, 30 seconds in a freezer? Couldn't be me. Great. Then we're all in the same page. I forgot that I live in Chicago. I've been wasting freezer energy.

There's no reason for it. Stick my damn hands outside. 30 seconds at the window. 30 seconds sitting on it. 30 seconds out the window. 30 seconds out of the window. And you can take that advice for free. Hey, everybody.

This is Hey, Riddle Riddle. Our hands are cold, but our hearts are warm. That's JPC over there. Wow. Great tagline for the show, Erin. Thanks. That's JPC over there. You already did me.

Oh, and that's Addle over there. Oh, hello. And that's Aaron over there. Oh, hello. And I'm right over here. JPC, something you wanted to discuss? So I've been thinking about it. And I think I'm going to rebrand myself. Because I go by JPC.

Sometimes people get confused by that. They're like, oh, what's your name? I say, that's JPC. And they go, oh, you go by JPC. And I'm like, yeah, that's my name. That's where I go by. I'm thinking of changing it up. And this is for life purposes, but also for, like, official purposes.

Like, maybe this is the way that I'll build myself in, like, future episodes. as well. This is not January 1st and this is not your birthday. So this is a seemingly random rebrand. This is a rebrand that struck me as so obvious that I could not believe that I hadn't thought of it earlier. And I think it's going to be great for branding. I think it's good for the show.

I'm going to start going by an official documentation, my credits, my IMD, what I'm known as. The Cohen brother. Oh, no. Who's going to tell him? I don't want to tell him. The Cohen brother. No, he heard it.

Because here's the thing. I am not a Cohen brothers. Oh, so you have heard of them. None of my brothers. Of course I have. None of my brothers have the last name Cohen. I'm the only one of my brothers with the last name Cohen. So I am the Cohen brother.

I mean, I think people are just going to call you TCB if you go that route, because I think we've all gotten pretty comfortable with the initials. Is that not the TCB? The country's best. If you added Y, that's TCBY. Ooh, go by TCBY. Just go by yogurt. Yogurt.

Yeah, yogurt. I think I'm going to start calling myself yogurt, all caps. I love it. Can I tell you my real issue with the Cohen brother thing? Yes. Okay. So for many, many years, the Cohen brothers were. worked together.

They were making, Oh, Brother Art thou. They were making Fargo. They were making... Not in that order. A serious man. They were making... That was the third pick.

Your third one was a serious man. Interesting. What am I missing? The Big Lobowski. Of course, the Big Lobosky. No country for old men was not them. Was it? It was them.

Yes. It was them. It was indeed them. Are you thinking of... And of course, that movie with Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon as twins... The Lady Killers. joined at the hip that were pitchers.

Stuff on me? That was the Farley brothers. Oh, yes. Lady killers. They did lady killers. They did all sorts of things together. Currently right now, aren't they working separately? They are.

One of them directed the new, I guess it's not new. Time doesn't mean anything anymore. The new Macbeth with Denzel Washington in it. Newish. Newish, which I thought was actually quite good. The first 20 minutes are a little so. The rest is quite fantastic. So now maybe on set, they are.

are being referred to as the Cohen brother. They are singular now. So you're sort of infringing on their new IP. Eaton Cohen? Is that right? There's Ethan Cohen, who is a Cohen brother. And then there's Eaton Cohen who directs a bunch of other slop? This is the Bill Murray thing with like, Bill Murray signed on to Garfield because he thought

it was being directed by Ethan Cohen, but it was being directed by Eaton Cohen. Are you guys familiar with this? This is lore. This is old Hollywood. Lord. That rules. Yeah. I think he

spells it different. He smells it different. Well, the, Havier Bardem is Garfield.

He's wearing the same. Okay, Garfield, but he's wearing the no country for old Ben wig.

That is my lasagna. He takes like an abattoa gun to Odie's head. Yes. He wrote

idiocracy. I think he wrote, or maybe he directed Tropic Thunder, get hard. Oh, boy,

you can remember get hard. Tropic Thunder was written by He directed Handsome, oh, okay, I was going to say The handsome guy from the leftovers Yeah, he wrote it, Justin Thoreau. Justin Thoreau wrote Tropic Thunder.

Not to be confused with Throw pillows. Throw pillows on a motorcycle. Oh, the former Prime Minister of Canada Fierre's fiancé Justin. Fiance? Trudeau.

I believe they got engaged. Oh my goodness. This is going to help you guys. Eton Cohen did the screenplay for Bad Guys too. lead with that. That we all know. Do you guys think that Katie Perry

listens to Hey, Riddle Riddle? Hondo P. I have evidence. Hondo P. Aaron. Do you think that there's a random celebrity that has stumbled upon us, gave us a shot, and then left? Like maybe their kid liked us or something, and then...

No. Okay. I know that Kat Dennings had a brief stint where she was into Magic Tavern. Oh, that's... I mean, that's amazing. That makes sense to me. And that was a weird blitzing.

where we were like, whoa, what? And then I think by the time we got our bearings, it was like, hey, should we reach out? I think it's done. I think we're, I think maybe no. Do you know it, what, because like sometimes I know people will listen to, um, magic tavern if they are, if there's like a guest or like a celebrity that's on it, do you know if Kat Dinnings like got hooked in by a different celebrity? I don't know.

Okay. I thought this was going to be a really, right, area of conversation. Lin-Manuel Miranda, if you're listening to us, blink twice in your next interview. I do know Lin-Manuel Miranda is aware of Magic Tavern. Okay, huge. When I met him, I handed him a card and said, I do a podcast. Okay. So he has a Magic Tavern card in his wallet, maybe.

There's a trash can near the, I want to say, the Neil Simon Theater. Are we counting that as aware of? I mean, if we are, we are, right? I mean, like. He looked at the card and he said, Tell me about your podcast. That's sweet. Was he just reading the text of the cart?

Like when someone hands someone like a note when they're grabbing a bank that's like, act normal. Ask me how my day is. Ask me about my podcast. Have I talked about when I met him and it was, to me, the weirdest triangulation of celebrities? I don't, I think vaguely, but remind me. So I saw Hamilton, the original run in New York. and I was with Vanessa and she's friends with

Is it busy Phillips? Yep. Is that her name of her name? Busy. She's friends with busy Phillips. And so we got to go backstage afterwards or like on the stage to meet the cast and everyone. And it was us in like a little huddle.

And then it was Reda from Parks and Rec. Oh, she's so funny. And Dave Matthews. and so it was like us it was like us at one corner Dave at like another point and then Reda and the cast is like bouncing between that triangle

so it would be like the V-Diggs comes over and says like hi to us and then goes up to Dave and then down to Reda so it's just this weird triangulation of like what a random and obviously Vanessa and and busy being friends they could

you know sure you know chat amongst themselves and they knew some of the cast and everything. But I just felt like I was witnessing something extraordinary. That is an incredible lineup. And was your mouth just filling with blood trying not to ask Dave Matthews about what happened in Chicago? I, in my head, it was almost like, you know, in one of the Avengers movies, you know in one of the Avengers movies where Dr. Strange does his thing where he's like, I've looked through 500 million things, JPC Aaron.

I went through several timelines where I went up to David. I was like, I know what you did. Chicago remembers. I think that he donated like a ton of money to like a river cleanup charity too, like in like by means of apologizing. Of course. I think he paid for his mess. I think about on Hayward-Ovreda when we joked about he paid for his mess,

how people leave like bears and flowers at that spot. still. Yeah. It is very funny. It's, it's, honestly, though, it is kind of a unique part of our city's,

like, niche cultural identity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do like the idea of, like, if I went to your house and clog the toilet,

like two years later being like, well, JPC, I did clog your toilet, but I donated to the JPC Plumbing Fun. Fix the Pipes. Charity. Which helps toilets in need.

I know I fucked up your toilet, but every time I go to Home Depot, I'll leave a $50 Bill and a display model just as a way of kind of like paying it forward. Just to pay it forward. There's certain things we love in Hey Riddle Riddle, and that is one of them. It's Joel Cohen. Joel Cohen, a different Joel Cohen, was the writer of the Garfield movie from 2004.

Okay, thank you for fact checking. Eaton Cohen, or Eden, Eton Cohen, is a different Cohen. There's so many Coens in film that it gets confusing, which is why. Great time for the Cohen brother. Well, I think latch on to a different part of your name. Like, how many people are named John? Oh, boy. This has the energy that I'm old man puzzles today.

I'm not, though. I know what everyone's thinking. Oh, that's a classic Aaron episode. No, it's not me. Yeah. Aaron, do you remember that episode where you didn't know that you were old man puzzles until it was? The one that we recorded recently? that was horrifying.

I never think about episodes after they've come out. I thought about that the other day. It popped into my hand and I was like, that was so funny to me. That was whackadoo. And, you know,

but I will say, having, I did, I was prepared for one. Yeah. I had one, like, ones from a book that I had read

and prepared. So luckily, thank God. What would I have done? What would I have done? I would like, I'm old man puzzles just to...

Congratulations. And I would have gotten away with it, too, for you meddling Coens? Conehead. Cohenhead. Coen-Hill Pro. Ice cream Cohen. T-C-C-D-Y. Eric.

Yer. Ice cream Cohen was my comedy sports name because you always had to have like a nickname when they announced you for comedy sports, and mine was John Patrick Ice Cream Cohen. What would mine be? Keefe. So we have to... Don't say, queef. Something that, no, it's got to be, it's comedy sports.

You get an instant brown bag if you said queef. It would be like something that ends with a keef sound. Aaron on the side of meatballs. Aaron on the side of meatballs. I walk out. I'm so depressed. Aaron, does Adel think your last name is beatballs? I think so.

Don't correct. Well, Miss Meatballs. Now presenting Mr. Cohen. Mr. and Mrs. Meatballs. Doom do. I'm keeping my name. I'm keeping my name. I'm keeping my name. I'm keeping my name. Girls can keep their names now. I'm drunk at my own wedding.

Yogurt, Ms. Meatballs, we need to see a scene. Aaron, you are a Chicago tour guide. JPC and I are tourists on this beautiful tour. And you are going to be giving us some information about Chicago, inevitably leading up to the day of mass. Matthews sort of bridge. Great. Ooh. We think that Chicago did a great job rebuilding after the fire. Obviously, we lost a lot of great buildings, but it really added to a swarm of really

great architects coming in and rebuilding the city. We got a lot of hard deco. The devil in the white city. Yes, exactly. I read that. I read that. Yeah. You know all about Chicago.

Hank, I'm so sorry to do this. I'm always, we were up so late last night. I think I'm just going to catch a quick nap while the tour is happening. It's interesting, but I'm just going to do a quick nap. Would I lean my head back if my mouth opens up? Will you just kind of like push my jaw shut? Because I just don't want to have my mouth open, you know, sleeping in public. I hear some mumblings and grumblings from the group.

I bet you want me to talk more about where you can find some Chicago ghosts. Ooh. Are you cold? No, that's just sort of I'm adding some color. I'm actually hot. I'm going to unbutton a couple buttons on my shirt. And I put sunscreen on, so I'm not. worried about that, but when I just got to stretch out.

We have a lot of requests here on this tour. That man's mouth is open. I'll close it. Allie, who. We get a lot of requests here on the tour. People want to hear about Al Capone's time in the city. People are interested in the history of the Chicago Cubs and White Sox. Any fans of each of these teams?

No. Classic rivalry. Damn, guys. We're for my fucking day of 18 of these today. I'm actually here bird watching, so I'm just going to be staring straight up into the sky through my medoculars. Just go somewhere else, then. How? We're out of boat.

God, I got fucking broken up with this morning. I'm doing all the 18 fucking... You're talking into a microphone. You got broken up with this morning? Oh, I am? Yep, I got broken up with this morning. At tweet in Andersonville. What does that mean?

He took me out to brunch. I ended up paying for both of us. It's cash only, and I didn't have cash. Anyways. How'd you pay for both of you? I had to wait in the long line at the ATM, and then they ended up not having enough cash in the ATM, and so I had to, it doesn't matter. I like how they give you a little piece of breakfast bread before your meal. Yeah, there's gluten-free ones, too. If you're gluten-free, they're really good with gluten-free. Sometimes they have chocolate chips that have, mm-hmm.

Great Bloody Mary's a tweet. I've never been to Chicago before. Isn't tweet connected to big chicks? It is connected to big chicks. This guy knows all about Chicago. I love it. It is fantastic. It is a great bar. It's a gay bar and a breakfast place. What's not to love? It's the best of both worlds.

What's not to love? Many great Chicago comedians worked at tweet. Nine, ten. Rishon Scott, nine others. It got out of my mouth. It got out of my mouth. Okay.

So a birth flew right into his mouth. I saw it. The most requested part of our floor is. is something that is haunting the city, something awful. It's where Dave Matthews did something unspeakable to the Chicago River. How many people have heard about what we do the Chicago River on St. Patrick's Day? No hits. Zero hits, no hits.

Well, we turn it green. Don't worry, it's environmentally safe. No, no, it's really quite charming. You should say that before. People drink Guinness and River North, and then they walk over and they go, huh, the river's green. That's sort of a fun thing we love to do in Chicago. But for a brief moment, not on St. Patrick's Day, the river was brown. Is this a music cue? Same.

Wait. He puts it in the river. I could have gone on and on, but Adel cut me off. In 2004, 800 pounds of human waste. For anyone, for anyone who doesn't know what we're talking about, Google. 800 pounds? Yes, from the Kinsey Street Bridge. DMV, Chicago, 2004. There's a plaque, right?

There's a plaque on the bridge? Google Poop Gate. 200,000 several men from the band Oh, so good Google Poop Gate Google Poop Gate Actually it would be pretty impressive Can I be excuse from the parody song episode

Now that I've done that Aaron that episode was like a month and a half Yeah can I be excused from it Yeah you do not have to participate in that episode Well Aaron you're excused because I remember well That you did a incredible Dave Matthews poop parody Thank you. I believe.

It's impressive. It's impressive for poop gate if it still leads to that because that was like, what, you said like 20 years ago? And we haven't had another poop gate yet that's taken up that SEO. That's great. That's good for us. For America. Yeah. But you know how time works?

Like if there's another poop gate, then this will just be like, it'll be like, this is like the great poop gate. And then it will be like, we don't know what they'll be called if they, I know what happens. You know what I mean. Got it. Yeah. You won't know until a couple hundred years after what people decide. It is, you know. Dave Matthews is the reason we have to take our shoes off at the airport in Chicago. Because of poop gate.

Because of poop gate. And we thank him for it. I hope he listens. That would be wild. If this is his first and only listen. I love your drummer. I love your drummer. I think there's a chance that this is his first and only listen because I'm assuming that we're going to name the name of this episode.

Dave Matthews, please listen to this episode. Oh, please. Let's start to pander more. Speaking of pandering. My other pitch is that we call this episode not found because it's this episode 404. Ooh. Yeah, it's our only time to do that. And then the next episode will be Dave Matthews, please listen to this.

No, please start from here. Dave Matthews, please listen to the previous episode. Please, please name it that. I'm begging you. If I have my druthers, I'm in a name 405. Dave Matthews, please listen to the previous episode. Please don't lose your druthers. I really hope you keep your druthers.

In parentheses, not the Patreon preview. I love it. All right. Okay. Okay. Enough fun. Enough fun. Let's do riddles.

I do want to read a riddle. I want to start off with one that I received from Maggie. and I want to say this was given to me at a live show in Philly. I'm pretty sure Maggie attended our show in Philly and handed me this riddle. And it's one of my favorite riddles of all time. Oh, exciting. JBC, I believe you were with me when I solved this. So if you remember the answer, please do not shout it aloud.

I was with you when you solved this. I think we went to that because we went to that old-timey ice cream shop in Philly. Yes. And I believe outside of that shop is where, because I ordered, Aaron and I ordered pretzel ice cream with pretzel balls topped with pretzel dust. Oh, wow, that sounds so good. In Philadelphia, Adel went pretzel crazy the way I usually go waffle crazy in other cities. It was, I had no idea. Soft pretzels were synonymous with Philly.

And I had a blast, explosion. exploring that side of the town. And my favorite thing was a breakfast sandwich served on a sliced soft pretzel. That's good. Un fucking blue would be good. This is making me like so hungry that I feel a little distracted. So if I need to. If I go slack behind the eyes, it's because I'm thinking about soft pretzels.

If you need to take 30 seconds to put your hands in the freezer, then another 30 seconds to sit on them and take, you know, repeat that cycle a couple of times. You can do that. Take that numb hand and feed yourself of soft. pretzel. But then how am I supposed to, I'm not going to be able to feel my hands and I won't be able to type in soft pretzel porn into me. Aaron put your hands above the keyboard and trust that they know what to do. Let the algorithm take you away. So thank you, Maggie, for handing me and presumably writing this riddle. Here we go. Aaron, I think this is an only you answer, unless

JPC legit forgot. I'd be hard pressed to remember any specific conversation that I've had. So I think there's a 50-50 chance that I'm right there with Aaron guessing along. This is one of my favorite riddles ever from Maggie. A word from the cradle spoken before speech. Pilgrims at midnight know well where I reach. A beacon on corners, a harbor of bread, a cult in the commons where hunger is fed. Not temple nor tavern yet filling all needs. When Addle is thirsty, it's what baby needs.

Okay. Well, I know it. I don't remember it, but I know it. based on when baby is thirsty. JCPy? Well, okay, can I, Aaron, do you know this one? No, I don't. Okay, so first of all.

My guess is milk, but I don't think that that's what it is. It's not milk. I have a deep history with this, but also, whenever I just came back from Florida not too long ago, whenever we go see Mariah's parents, they live, like, down the street from a Wawa gas station because everything from Florida ends up, or everything from all over the country ends up in Florida when people retire to it. So I know that the answer is Wawa, because I also know that the baby wants Wawa story is one of my favorite stories. Thank you.

The answer is Wawa. Of course. Okay, we were in Philadelphia. Yeah. Of course. Of course. And Philadelphia also has sheets, right? Yes, it is because those are like the two competing Philadelphia guest stations.

And that's why we were wearing those T-shirts and you were dressed like Ben Franklin. Yeah, for sure. I would like to see a scene. Oh, go ahead. No, I was just going to say that I see Wawas down in Florida, but I don't see sheets. I see Wawas. Yes, Aaron, please. Your seat.

My scene. Adel, you were going to be a bartender. JPC, you're going to be a baby that is going into a bar, and you don't want to be talked down to or condescended. Sure. You want to be treated just like any other patron. All right. What are we having? ID, please?

Faramway. Probably. I've been waiting here for 15 minutes. or one minute or 60 minutes. I don't, I can't, I can't do time, so. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, yeah, it's been a little slim. Can I see your ID, please? Just a Jim Antoinic.

My what? Your name is Jim and Tonic? No, I would like a gin and tonic. Oh, gin and tonic. Yes, please. Just grab that ID, please. The bouncer checked my ID when I came in the, I mean, I've got the wristband. I got the wristband.

I got the wristband. I don't, oh, it's on the floor. Well, because they don't really make them for Wists as small, do they? When that's kind of ablest. But yeah, just a ginatonic. All right, coming up. Okay. And, oh, sorry, I should ask, do you want a top shelf or, well?

Oh, is that funny because I can't reach onto a top shelf because I'm a baby? Is that why that's funny to you? I don't think so. You people. I just can't, I can't, you, yeah, huh? Uh-huh. The least you could do, by the way, when you're, you know, You sort of it to me.

With a little nipple on top, please. A little nipple on top. I can't dwind out of a straw because I don't have the sucking power for that, so it has to be a nipple on the top. Hey, buddy. It will spill if you give it to me just a glass. Buddy, I was going to, you know what? Buddy. You look like a baby.

I wasn't going to say anything because I trust Todd at the door would have caught that, but I'm starting to think you're a baby, and you know what? Hey, Aswell. I do. How do you know I don't have Benjamin Brutton, Boise? Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Hi, sir.

Thank you for your service. I assume you fought the Civil War. Civil War, yeah. I assumed you then. Wait, how old are. Age do you? How do we think this works? Yeah, you age backwards.

I checked his idea at the door. Todd. Everyone's always on Todd from doing a bad job. Todd. But I looked. Okay, Todd. If one more baby gets through. Drew, you're done.

He had this little plastic ID thing. Come back to daycare. Guys, I found a boar where they think Benjamin Button disease is wheel, and we can go there and we can drink. Oh, hell yeah. Do they play sports?

Or do they play cocoa melon? It's mostly sports. At the bow. I bet if we got more of us guys in there, we could get them to switch to cocoa melon, but it's, or we'd have to do, like, we have to wait until it was like not sports.

season? Is that right? We cut back to the bar. So you're telling me that you, seemingly a three-month baby, saw Led Zeppelin at the Winter Ballroom. And so many two? I, yeah, and this was been John Bonham was still, you know, with us. So, hey, everyone at the ball really wants cocoa melon on the television set. That's weird. Should we all just watch Cocoa? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. but you're all like 80 to 90 years old, right? You're just trapped in. Adults watch Bluey. Adults watch Bluey.

That's fair. Seed. And it'll be like the best argument I've ever. My character and the person behind it, completely called out. I do like how it's like Bluey, the one that's universally accepted by adults. And then Kokomel and the one that if an adult watches Kokombo,

they're like, what the dog? Fuck. Their brain starts melting out of their ears. Fuck. I've never seen cocoa melon, but I do, I've heard a bunch of cocoa melon songs just because like a baby songs auto play. And without fail, every time I'm like, what the fuck am I listening to? And then I look at it and I go, oh, it's cocoa melon.

Of course it is. I think I don't know what it is, but I know this is the cocoa melon wheels on the bus. Is cocoa melon, is it like blue where cocoomelon is a character or is cocoa melon like a planet or something? Your guess is as good as mine. I don't know. What could cocoa melon possibly mean? What could that mean?

Is it a bunch of like fruit dancing? That's what it sounds like. Don't look it up, please, Erin. Just don't tell me. I just don't want to know what cocoa melon is. Aaron, that's Carmen Miranda. Oh, this looks worse than I imagined. This is bad.

Cocoa melon feels like I would like, if I'm looking at a list of mocktails at a bar, that's one that I'm not even reading the rest of the ingredients. It's called the cocoa melon skit. You're not going to like anything in that drink. The liquor is like gin and you're like, what? Cannotacore. Who's wasted time making cantaloupe liqueur? I've heard of hot honey, but what the fuck is spicy honey?

Infused. Infused. I think I've told this story before on the show, but one of my favorite moments of my life was pre-getting my license. I think I was still like, exactly. I was like 15 or 14. and my friend Stephen from high school, his mom picked us up because we had to still carpool places.

She was driving us somewhere and he had two little sisters. They were like much younger. And I was in the back with one of the littlest ones and the car was completely silent. And she like tapped me on the shoulder and was like, pst, pst. I was like, what?

And she went, I can't pronounce my ouse. I was like, oh yeah, yeah. I had a speech in bed a minute too. And I was like, yeah, I can't say. my owes at all. Every time I try to say any word with owl in it, I can't do it. Think about it all of the time. And you know what? I think she's graduated. Yeah. I think she's graduated college and I don't even know. I haven't, I don't have an update on if this girl can pronounce her ours. I can't pronounce my owls. We have a surprise. JPC and I have been sitting on this waiting for you to tell the story.

Casey, go ahead and play the voicemail that is that little girl grown up now. Hey, Aaron. Hey, Aaron, it's Kate from back in the day. Didn't give you permission to share that story. It's kind of really fucking personally embarrassing to me. So you will be hearing from my attorney. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn off.

Okay, Casey. Crazy. And thank you, Casey, for preserving her anonymity by using the JPC voice modulator on that voicemail. It's a big of her. And of course, that little girl had a disease where if you turn off her voicemail, she dies. basically pulling the plug So Aaron, why don't you Take some time to

Reflect on what you just did And we'll take out a quick break And be right back with Oh my God Hopefully sort of a rejuvenated Aaron Oh my God You know that disease Where someone stops playing your voicemail

Yeah You die Yeah This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace Well hello Hello everybody listening out there In Riddoland This is your old friend JPC

I've kicked Aaron and Addle out of the podcast because I have a special message just for you. I want to talk to you today about Squarespace. Do you guys know about Squarespace? Well, you should because we talk about it all the time. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

But today I'm actually putting my money where my mouth is. because we use Squarespace. We've used Squarespace for years. Our website is a Squarespace website, and we use it because Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place, from consultations to events and experiences, showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business, get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments, plus streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. I don't know where I'd be without the Squarespace email marketing tools. Plus, they have SEO tools so you can get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto-generated site map and more.

So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. But that is not even what's important right now because what's important is that on our Squarespace website, hey riddle. riddle.com, our real Squarespace website, I, JPC, have hidden a hyperlink. And if you, dear listener, are the first one to find which Wikipedia page this hyperlake takes you and email me at hrrpodcast at gmail.com, you will win one of our penguin baseball t-shirts. I will send that t-shirt directly to you. All you have to do is find the hidden hyperlink on our website. And if you want to start your own website, go to Squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code riddle, RID, DLE, and you're ready to launch, and

and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And find the hidden hyperlink, and you could win a T-shirt too. Bye-bye. Hey, Adel Aaron, I am freaking out. Okay, so I just got an email from, do you guys know Casey, the editor of the show or whatever? Oh, yeah. Sleep-O?

Yeah, Sleep-O. Oh, my God, thanks so you know. I got an email from him that says he hasn't been paid in seven years. And, yeah, I'm kind of wondering. And I know that I'm in charge of all that, but like, between like expenses and like income and what's going on with the business. It's just like it's just too much for me, you know? Well, let's make it easy.

Let's just use found. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all, paying Sleepo, dealing with Found Dracula, who's sort of a Dracula that uses Found, banking, bookkeeping, etc. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps. Found identified the tasks that create the most hassle for small businesses, things like categorizing expenses, preparing for taxes, managing invoicing, budgeting, waking up sleepo, and they built an app that does it all directly from your business checking account. Found is reimagining what business banking should be by putting your bookkeeping, invoicing, and tax tools directly into your business checking account. Plus, they have this vampire named Found Dracula, and that guy, he knows what he's doing.

No, guys, we don't have to keep talking about it. Found makes it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. I personally, now that I'm using Found, my life is so much easier. I don't have to juggle multiple apps. I don't have to go chasing receipts. I don't dread tax season anymore. I have a Dracula that will suck the blood, I want to say, out of an editor who is asking to be paid. You want to say?

I want to say. So take back control of your business today. Open a found account for free at found.com. That's F-O-U-N-D.com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with Found. You're getting sleep.

Okay. Guys, I'm getting an email from the brand. They say they never authorized Found Dracula. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm not official. I'm just a Dracula who uses found. I could swear that they wanted us to use you. Could have sworn that they were desperate for us to do this. I'm from Bank Transfer. I'm from Bank Transfervania. I'm from Milwaukee.

Sorry, I'm just looking at myself in the mirror. You guys, I don't think I really like my clothes right now. I think I need a spring refresh. Oh, Aaron, what kind of stuff are you looking for? Yeah. Like stylish, timeless pieces, like maybe like a raincoat and like a cashmere, like, sweater that's like transitional from winter to spring. Oh, Aaron, I would not wear a cashmere sweater over a raincoat. It's going to get absolutely ruined if there's rain. I'm putting it together.

That's not what you meant. Okay. Aaron, have you heard about quince? Quince makes high quality everyday essentials using premium materials like 100% European linen and their insanely soft, flown-in-active-wear fabric. They have linen pants and shirts that are lightweight, breathable,

and comfortable, basically the perfect layer for spring. The pants strike the right balance between laid back and refined, so you look put together without trying too hard. Aaron, is that what you're going for? Yeah. Okay. Well, Aaron, also, you silly goose,

the best part about Quince is that their prices are 50 to 60% less than similar brands. How? You're screaming at me? Aaron, please stop screaming. How? Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup.

Everything is designed to last and it makes getting dressed easy. I have a purse from Quince that I have people stop me when I'm walking around L.A. to ask me where I get it because it looks very expensive, but it's not. It's going to last me years and years. I also have a ring from there that I love. They've got home stuff that's timeless and awesome, incredible rugs, curtains. They've got baby stuff. They've got baby stuff.

awesome baby stuff that I purchased. That's very cute. E! So why don't you do yourself a favor and refresh your wardrobe with Quince? Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash riddle.

Aaron, you're wearing your purse. You should. And actually, you're pulling it off. And I look incredible. JPC, you know how Adel got turned into a boat and he's a boat now? Got turned, turned himself. Right. You know, got turned sounds like a witch did it.

You're right. This time he elected to do it. Yes. Well, I just got back from his, he went on his maiden voyage, and I was the one in charge of hitting him really hard with champagne, and I am exhausted. Oh, yeah. It really took a lot of cracks to get that bottle broken on him. It didn't break at all right away.

It took like 18 minutes. You know, first of all, I had the opportunity to say that you look exhausted and I didn't take it. So, points for me. Aaron, you should take a nap. Oh, and my helix mattress. Oh, I forgot my midnight lux. I've had it for years and I am obsessed with this mattress. I also love my helix midnight lux.

It's great for me as a side sleeper and it sleeps the same as when I bought it years ago. It's a mattress that truly has held up and stood the test of time. Every time I have a dog setter stay here, they ask me what my mattress is because they love it so much. And I go, you just got to take a quick little quiz, buddy. You got a helix sleep? Take a quiz. They batch you with a mattress. And then also they have 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty.

So if you don't like it, that's okay, but you will. You'll love it. And I wonder, I know what you're thinking. How am I going to get this mattress? Well, it's free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S., which is, I guess, bad news for Adel because I believe his... His boat? I almost said his boat, but it's just him. He's in international waters now.

Ah, so it doesn't count. I don't know what. Yes, plus with Helix sleep returns are easy. They have the rest happy with Helix guarantee. You could rest easy with sleepless returns and exchanges. The happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk-free customer-first experience designed to ensure you are completely satisfied with your new mattress. Plus, they are the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Wow. Yeah, Aaron, look, I know you already have one, but you got to get another.

All you got to do is go to helixleep.com slash riddle for their spring savings event now until April 16th. That is 20% off site wide. That's helixleep.com slash riddle for the spring savings event through April 16th, 20% off site wide. helixleep.com slash riddle. Helixleep.com slash riddle. Adel is a boat now, and I hit him so hard in the head with a champagne bottle. Yeah, you like sleep.com slash rental. I think hitting the head on a boat means something different.

Aaron, can I ask? My speech impediment when I was a kid, I think I want to say maybe it was like fourth grade or fifth grade when I finally got over it. But I had to do speech pathology. Oh my God, it's coming back. His impediment used to be that he would linger on the end of a word. Yeah. Yeah, I used to make all my words curl like Dr. Seuss-Tales. I used to not say my R's, pronounce my R's very well.

And every once in a while, I will like do it. I won't even say it, but I'll like hear myself think it. I'll like think in the W instead of the R. What was your speech impediment? I had two. I had a lisp and I had a little bit of a stutter, especially in reading. it would show up when I would read. And yeah, I did speech pathology classes.

My sister is a speech pathologist, and we joked that she went into it because I was driving her so insane with my mumble mouth growing up. It's like, I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through. Yeah, I still, sometimes with reading out loud, I have, I'm, that it's been hard, I'm getting over it with like riddle stuff, like sometimes in episodes it's hard and then in live shows.

And with World News during the, when I would read the... Newspaper articles. Newspaper articles. Thank you. When I read the articles that people had pulled, I would, sometimes it would happen. And that would make me very nervous. Shout out to that table of people who laughed at me that thought I was joking. And then they went beat red when they realized I wasn't.

I did a, I used to do a thing when I was a kid where I would just avoid using words that I knew had ours in them, like at the beginning or the end of the word, I'd just be like, okay, just that word, that's off limits for you now. You don't, you don't say that one anymore. When I was a kid, also, I had huge tonsils that I ended up having to get out. So I literally sound, I was like, like, no one could understand me. And the fact that I talk for a living is so crazy. Yeah, very muppity. I think I'm going to go outside and climb one of those big wood uplongs in the yard and the yard, not yard, can't say yard in the, uh, what's uplong?

A wooden uplong. I'm going to go climb a wooden uplong. Hope I don't get sap on my hands. Man, I'm great at not using ours now. There you go. Wait a minute. Well, my little yogurt and Miss Meatballs, let's... Which one am I?

I think you're yogurt, right? Damn, I wanted to be Miss Meatballs. Always a bride, never a brides me. Always a meatball. Never a ragu. Okay, here's another riddle. When is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside? Pass on the inside makes me think of fart.

Can you read it again, the beginning part of it? When is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside? Typically, if you're going somewhere and you're using. some sort of mode of transportation, you pass on the outside. This would be the polite way, when is it polite to overtake or pass on the inside? Is it when there's like an accident on the road? Because I know if there's like an accident and it is on the left lane, you have to pass on the right. But that feels too literal for a middle. Yeah, you're right. A bike. When it's, when you're passing a secret, when you're passing. Does it say pass or overtake,

Adel, or did you pass or overtake? Okay. So, because like if you're going to pass gas you actually kind of want to do go outside to do that right boy jpc you are really hung up on that I mean when your wife makes you fart outside 30 yards from the house that's I mean is that crazy should I say neighbors are like this guy goes

this guy's smoking 80 to 90 times in day but I never see a cigarette is there um passing passing or overtaking on the outside and it's polite. Is it like a, I'm trying to think of like a sport where that would like track and field maybe or racing? That's probably good thinking. Hmm, can we have a hint?

Will you put your turn signal on? This is most, maybe not most typically, depending on what sort of suburb you grew up in, I guess. The times I've done this the most have been inside castles. If I'm like touring a castle. What suburb you grew up in? Well, I guess depending on how Tony a neighborhood you grew up in, the most times I've done this is in a castle when being around Europe. But for other people, it might be like, oh, that was-

The only castle we had in my neighborhood was White Castle. And that, actually, probably true. Probably true. Oh, a crave case would hit the spot. Aaron, you ever have a crave case? No. But I wish businessmen brought those to work instead of briefcases. Work with buy sell, buy sell, it just opens up a big deal.

Let's, okay. I remember my dad bringing home a crave case once when we were kids and thus being like, oh my God. We're going to have four burgers. And then two hours later, oh, we're all ruined. Our insides are ruined. When you're a kid, though, you can eat fucking anything. Like, you could pack away White Castle when you're, like, 10 years old and you're like, it just doesn't affect me. There's a reason adults don't eat luncheables, I guess.

Yeah. They won't sell money. Aaron, right. Yeah, right. Aaron, we all agree adults don't eat luncheables. They don't eat pizza luncheples for breakfast. That's not enough nutrition for the day. Adults don't eat those pizza luncheables that are cold marinera on a cracker with cold cheese.

With cold cheese. Yeah, adults don't do that. With a little red stick that substitutes as a knife. Adults don't do that. Adults don't also have those for lunch and dinner as well. You know what adults can do, though? They can buy Toaster Struddles, take out all the icing, and go return the Toaster Shruttles. I'm like, I didn't actually want these.

I didn't want them. Don't open the box. Oh, Tustin Shood looks so good. What is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside? So this is something I've mostly done in castles. In spiral staircase. Aaron, when passing someone on a spiral staircase. on a spiral staircase where the insides are narrower and hence harder to climb.

I would like to see a scene. What? Adel, you are some sort of like old castley henchman type thing and you're holding a candle. A nice of thing? No, no, no. You know what I mean. Like one of those like, yeah. Oh, like the guard.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you are leading JPC to his room at the top of the castle while holding a candle. And JPC, you're getting pretty dizzy. Okay. And just 18 more flights to go. Of course, we go up here, to go. Just watch your elbows.

Why is this at an angle? Why is it starting to be at an angle? Yes, of course. That's because when the Goths try to ransack this castle with their arrows, they almost succeeded. So we modified it to where everything is at a slight angle. So arrows can't harm. Uh, uh, uh.

Why did you do that? I'm drunk, what's yours? It is getting tighter, right? Yes, it feels like like a Willy Wonka as... Is it like a ground floor room on the castle that I could? Because we're just here for the night, you know? Those are all showrooms. All the bedrooms and the ground floor, those are for when...

We're trying to sell the place, so we've had it staged. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. We baked cookies, always bake cookies. How are we heading down? We were just heading up. How are we now heading down? We're sort of an MCSher situation. I'm upside down, mom.

And we keep going. What? You just split into two guys. Who? Me? Which one are you pointing at? I didn't do it. He did.

I'm pointing at both. I have two hands. One of us always lies, and one of us always lies. It's Spider-Man style. By me, I'm just passing by. Who? That person's walking on the underside of the, stairs. Yes, that person died 10 minutes ago on this very night. What? What? I killed her.

Seed. Seeed. God, I love stairs. I love stairs. I don't think I, I don't think I've been on a spiral staircase in, I'm trying to remember the last time I possibly would have. Oh, I had a friend who had one of those apartments with two floors in it. It sounds fancy, but it was a small place with two floors. But they had a small spiral staircase that I went up once. And I was like, oh, I would not want one of these in my home. I can, like cast iron. Oh, those are so scary.

Yeah. Yeah, and they had a little dog who was not afraid of it at all. And I was like, I would be, and their bathroom was down the stairs. Their bedroom was upstairs and their bathroom was down the stairs. I was like, no, I'd be pissing in bottles. I'd do that anyway. I'd be falling down the stairs in the middle of the stairs, the middle of the night.

For sure. Here's another riddle. A completely naked man robs a newspaper kiosk. Good for him. Thank you. Sorry, I'm just reading headlines. A completely naked man robs a newspaper kiosk and then runs off into the crowd. The police are unable to find him and all the witnesses have trouble describing him.

Explain why. Waldo. Yeah, is Waldo. Great. And people can't see Waldo. Well, Waldo without his clothes on looks completely different. Yeah, it looks like the lead singer of Doddy Freyer. What's that Icelandic band?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that Icelandic band? This is a naked person. A completely naked man robs a newspaper kiosk and then runs off into the crowd. The police are unable to find him and all the witnesses have trouble describing him. Is it one of those things where he has like some feet? Like some like he's got like a big Red baboon ass

And the only thing that people see Because he's naked is this big red ass And so then they're like What did he look like? And they're like I got a big red ass He's got a great baboon ass What did his face look like? And they're like, I don't know

And they're like what race was he? And they're like baboon I don't I mean he had a big Adel is that that is it big red ass Is he a person He is he? is a person. And he... And it's not red ass.

And he came out wearing the newspapers. Oh, that's a great guess. His camouflage. That's a great guess, but that is not the answer. But that is, I really like that guess. You said he's a naked man? I saw a six-foot-one pile of newspapers blow by. Yeah.

Six-foot-one. Is this like a hollow man situation where he's invisible because he's naked? Or like a kell from mystery men? Or all the buildings around it look. like naked flesh. So he's sort of blending in. These are my favorite wrong asses I've ever heard.

And, JVZ, thank you for ranking your guesses in order of how good the movie is because the new Elizabeth Moth Mossa Hollow Man is quite good. Yeah, yeah. Mystery Men, no slack. I'd give that. Yeah, I like a mystery man.

Yeah, I like a mystery man. Hank Azaria, Ben Stiller. A flesh-colored buildings, Aaron. I want to see it. That seems pretty gross. Okay. Maybe like Santa Fe. Hey, Adel, is it, is it important that he's robbing a newspaper kiosk?

Is that, like, part of the answer? Um, that is not important. I would say the completely naked man part is important. And the fact that he runs off into the crowd is important. And the fact that they're not able to find him is important. And the fact that the witnesses have no trouble describing him is important. Is this like a, is he at like a nudist convention or a nude beach or something like that? APC, my dear boy, you've done it.

Wait, but so wait, wasn't part of it that people had trouble describing him? Yeah, because I think the mind is like, oh, completely naked man, if he in New York grabbed a newspaper and ran away, we should all be able to be like, we would immediately all stare at that person. Yeah. But I think in a news colony, you see a nude person run by and nobody gives a second thought. Yeah. And also eyewitness testimony is terribly unreliable. our memories are fallible. Also, why Narkar and a guy for stealing papers?

Who did he hurt? Also... Thank you. I would like to see a scene. This is... Aaron, you're from Boston. What are some of the original colonies in the U.S.? Like original...

Yeah. Virginia, Massachusetts. Yeah. Peppreca, salt. What's that place in Roanoke? Roanoke. This is the lost colony of Roanoke. Pre-lost.

Pre-lost can still get pregnant. Thank you. And this is, the two of you are members of the Lost Colony of Roanoke. And Aaron, today is the day. You are suggesting that things may become a little looser in terms of clothing in the colony. Okay. It's hot, right? Guys, it's like, whoof, I'm, like, doing all this, like, I'm cutting all this wood and stuff to make buildings and buildings.

It's, like, hot. Tis warm, yeah. I might take off my wool vest. Of course, take off my wool jacket to take off the vest and put the wool jacket back on, then my wool gloves. Ooh, it doesn't feel like enough, though. For modesty, Samuel, for modesty. For modesty, for the Lord watches over us all.

Yeah, but the only reason why we're here is religious freedom, huh? We're sort of the fun ones. A common misconception. Our religion is so odious that we got kicked out of England. And we don't want religious freedom as much as we want freedom to practice our weird. religion and no other religions. Yes, yes. But we are, Samuel, we are the fun ones.

So let me tell a joke. A man goes into a church. Oh, yes. And worships. Worships. Excellent joke. Thank you. Back to work, I should say. Ah, or? Or. I never stopped.

I mean, like, we're all surprising ourselves. We didn't know that we could make it over here, having us all live, right? Yes. I'm sort of feeling more alive than ever before. Grateful for the time we have left. Yes, my wife mentioned that the other night she heard you,

I don't mean to speak in the devil's tongue, tapping your toes. Yeah, I thought maybe, I don't know, I heard dancing could be fun. Dancing. Dancing. I thought maybe we could put our... I'm sorry, I'm behind the eight ball here. What is dancing? Sort of when you move to the rhythm

Oh, witchcraft. Witchcraft, got it. Oh, witchcraft. I know exactly what we're talking about. Moving to the rhythm? Witchcraft, got it. To clear the air. Let me tell a quick joke. Two pious men get into heaven.

Good one, good one. It sounds like a body. Prepare people for a joke like that. It's a little bit of a walk, so bear with me. What if we, in order to get into our homes for safety and modesty, we created these little little things that are shaped specifically to everyone's door, that you have to put it in the door and turn it in order to unlock the door so you can get into your own home. And then you carry that around with you.

And then what if on Fridays we put all of those things into a bowl and everyone picked something, one of those things out of that bowl and then you sleep with whoever you got that thing from. Like a thing party. Yeah, thing party. And you have relations. Yeah, we do thing parties. Have you...

Donna, have you never been invited to a thing party? Wait, are you guys having thing parties? A hondo pee. Oh, my God, I wanted to sleep with your wife so bad. I want to go. Same, girl. Get in line, baby. Same.

Oh, my God. A thing party. Let's see. Okay, here we go. Racing driver Ramon Ricard had a terrible accident at Daytona. It left him in the hospital for six months. Surprisingly, he never once considered giving up racing. Why not?

Racing driver Ramon, oh, sorry, what did you say? No, no, no, he's in the hospital for six months. Racing driver, Ramon Ricard had a terrible accident at Daytona. It left him in the hospital for six months. Surprisingly, he never once considered giving up racing. Why not? Is it because he's in a coma and he can't consider anything? That is a fantastic guess.

But no, that is not it. Oh, man. I was, honestly, I was hoping it wouldn't be that, but I kind of had to just guess. I had to try. Coma's always on the table. He never considered, and it's not because he's not considering it because he's incapable of considering it. He's choosing not to consider it.

Okay. Yeah, he's choosing not to. And yeah, yeah. Can you think it again? Healthy and left afterwards. Racing driver Ramon Ricard had a terrible accident at Daytona. It left him in the hospital for six months. Surprisingly, he never once considered giving up racing.

Why not? Did he just, was he walking on the stairs at Daytona and tripped and fell? JPC had nothing to do with racing? JBC, would you believe it's because he fell down some stairs? I would like to see a scene. A lot of stare riddle. JPC, this is you pre-race. Okay.

And Adel, you're going to be an interviewer. And JPC, you're trying to save face after you've gotten injured before the race even started. Okay, got it. Mr. Yolgare, we're all very excited to see you race today. Shut up. Huh? Have a say, man. Oh.

I'm just going to go out there and track, do my best, and if into the pavement. And, uh, get great teen. Mr. Yo-Gir, we all saw you. Got a great team behind me. And it's... Moments ago. Your head smacked pretty hard. Oh, definitely.

It's, yeah, I mean, weather conditions are perfect out there, so it's not a me even a minute and if you does... And put... Say the word, and I can call in a doctor. They're right here. They're ready to go in, but we don't want to... They're going to have to call in a doctor after I get on the track because it's burning up so much. to having it at a time of my life out there. And I got to give it up to my sponsor,

points to my hair, a big pile of chicken. Big pile of chicken. Hey man, it's really nice to make your acquaintance, and I was all not to be the fan. And have a nice time. I'm going to race time. Hey, man, you've got to be honest

about what you can do out there, okay? I'll send in your backup, but you just got to be honest, what are you going to do that? Put me behind the wheels of that car. and I'll get out and push it if I have to get across the fishing line. So it's not even...

Is this pre-race jitters or... Are you hurt? You know what I've probably had... It's because what I did was I had a coffee earlier today. So I just... It's caffeine working to say I have in my system as soon as I get on the road,

everything's going to mellow out and zoom into the... Mr. Yolk here, you keep looking down and presumably talking to someone you think you see. Could you tell us who you think you see? It's a great gazoo. He was a friend Flintstone's friend, and now he's my friend. He's going to help me race to down.

and it's a really great day to race with Greg Gazoo is a Flintstone's character. Don't call my name. And it's not that. And he's not Great Gazoo, and I don't know who it is and I don't know what's going on. But I do know I'm born in a race and cars fast on the track. And Mr. Yagher, we have a surprise.

We have brought in. Right here we have your wife who just wanted to give you a big kiss before the race. Okay. And I'm going to plant a big kiss right on the mouth. And I don't even give a... Not me, not me, not me, not me. Run and start. I'm your brother.

I'm your brother. I'm your brother. I'm your brother. I'm your brother. I'm your brother. I always nice to be the fan It's nice to toss to your hair Big pot of chicken

And let's get in the car Kiss my wife on the road He's getting in the refrigerator He's getting in the refrigerator It does sound like something started Oh my god, he's going so fast Just the fridge racing around the track What was that old like Hannah Barbera cartoon

With the like wacky racers? Oh, all-star racers or yeah Yes, wacky, was it wacky racers? Yeah, I don't know It feels like something like that From that where there would be a person who gets into a fridge or like racists around that. Yes, where it was like grape.

Yes. I don't remember. Snidly Whiplash and the other guy. Was Snidly Whiplash from that? Is Snidly Wiplash the one that would tie you on to train track? Here's the thing. Uh-oh. I can't remember.

You're 100% right in terms of describing one of the people. I can't remember if the guy with the mustache who was like the evil train track guy, if he was snidly whiplash or if his dog was snidly whiplash. Because he had a dog who was like evil and would cover his mouth and go, I can't remember which was which. Is that Dudley do right? That's Dudley Doer Right. And thank you for joining us on this episode of what the fuck are they talking about from a thousand years ago.

Fuck. Aaron, have you seen any Hannah Barbera? No. You got to watch Wacky Races or whatever it's called. Yeah. I guess I remember it from like Cartoon Network, I think, when I was a kid where they would play like just old shit, right? Like this is from the 60s, right? Yes, yeah. They play a lot of old stuff.

And then they'd play like Space Ghost or Seelab, and it was like old shit but also made new. Aaron, one of my favorite Hannah Barberia cartoons was a large gentleman called Grape ape. Do you want to guess what his catchphrase was? Could I be a smaller ape, please? Am I close? Was it kiss my big red ass? I'm stealing these newspaper? Yeah.

Would you believe it was grape ape? Oh. That's all he said. Just his name. It's sort of a Groot situation. Classic. Like a proto-Pocomone. Like a proto-Pocomone.

Yeah. Should we do a voice mail? Yeah, I love that. Today I'm writing to you from the dear near future. Things here haven't exactly been super, but while I can bitterly blab about the burning Earth and blame billionaire losers, instead I digress to discuss something lunar. See something occurred in the post-nuclear confusion.

He, J.P. Riddles, devised a solution. A space shuttle built with glue and used Q-tips. And now his Raccoon Moon Colony is booming. We've just heard word from their communication station. They've made a breakthrough innovation. They get blazed in play. Bay Blade for recreation. And claim they've eliminated all anger and frustration.

And if you'd like to join them for a little bit of fun, then in 2013, dial 1-805, R-I-D-L-E-1. Wow. That was incredible. Yeah, I also love putting the number in there so that I don't have to. That was another one from Jesse Bloodgood. I feel like we've had like five from Jesse. Thank you so much for submitting.

It was amazing. And hey, if you've never submitted before, now is your fucking time. Don't let Jesse Plodgut do all the submissions. H-R-R-R podcast at gmail.com. 30 seconds or less as a wave file. Hey, KluCrew. My partner of 10 years and I are getting married and we're having trouble trying to figure out a venue. We kind of narrowed it down to either the zoo or an aquarium.

So I would love your thoughts on where we're. we should have our wedding slash venue. So thank you. Have a good day. First of all, congratulations. That's outstanding. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Second of all, it sounds like they are lovers of creatures. Of four and fathers. That sounds like they're lovers of each other first. First and foremost. My apologies. Would a petting zoo be nuts? Because that way, here's the thing. If I got married at a zoo,

or an aquarium or something, I think the whole time I would be like, the animals being around us is neat, but I want to touch them. Yeah. And I feel like a petting zoo allows you to do that, and your friends and family. So I would say maybe a petting zoo.

Yeah. The idea of a zoo is awesome. I remember when I was in eighth grade, we did like a zoo lock-in, and we slept, the place where we slept in the zoo was in like the dolphin enclosure. And dolphins don't sleep.

So the dolphins like all night were just like in the glass. Dolphins don't sleep? They don't really sleep. They like go into like a quasi sleep mode where they're like still playing and laughing and whatever. So it's yeah, it's they do like low power mode because from where they're from if you go to sleep like a shark will just eat you, you know. So yeah, I feel like always be like moving. But if you could do your wedding ceremony in a dolphin show and maybe have like a dolphin mayor. and maybe have like a dolphin marry you?

Or like the, you ask for the rings and the dolphins come out of the water and they've got the rings on their little bottled nose snouts or whatever? I mean, that's come on. Ooh. Here's my one bit of advice of something to consider. I'd say consider the smell. Hmm. Consider the coconut.

Consider its leaves. Yes. Moana. The island gives us what we need, Eric. And no one leaves. Um, the, uh, I just think also, I do think an aquarium will photograph better. Yep. Like, I think that will look more beautiful.

And I also think it will smell a little bit better than a zoo. Um, but if you have an aversion to fish smells, maybe avoid the aquarium. But I'm, I vote, I vote aquarium or petting zoo like I'll say. Is it an aquarium going to wreak havoc on people's, on like, uh, people's hair? Yeah. Or is that not? You think they're going to dunk it? Because everyone's going to try and talk to the fish, right?

Here's the other thing. You know what? We're all making great points. Why don't you get married in front of a green screen? And then you can get married wherever you want. Oh, yeah, we were married on the freaking moon. This is brilliant. You can change your mind all the time.

You can change your mind all the time about where you got married. You can be zoo, aquarium, zoo, aquarium. Every anniversary changed where it was. You got married during the Coen Brothers Big Lobowski? Big red solved stamp. We need that for every voice now on. Solved. Solved.

You've been solved. Let's see. Aaron, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Oh, before we get into individual plugs, I wanted to remind everyone that it's Penguin Baseball League on the Patreon. And all of our new merch, all of our new Penguin Baseball League merch is available now in the episode description. Just click the link for our dashery. store and you can get five new teams. Great merch from Ariel Sinha. Awesome stuff. Gorgeous. Love. I'm when we, JBC, you were just saying that you say this every year, but I think this

year has my favorite designs. Mm-hmm. Go ahead. Erin, anything to plug your promote? Check out quality time. It's a show I host here in Los Angeles with two very fun, talented people. It's a real variety show. And I'm really proud of it. So you can find us on Instagram and see when our next date is coming up. battle anything to plug or promote. Yes, check out the Word Association podcast. You can also find Hello for the Magic Tavern wherever you listen on a podcast and gum shoes and dragons.

Please check that out as well. JPC anything to plug or promote? Yeah, I got to read a review. So this one is a five-star review from looks like a cinnamon roll. Great name called Get Away While You Still Can. JPC is forcing me to write this review. He said it doesn't matter what it is said. So I'll say it for all the Hey Riddle Rital

Rital fans and quotes out there. This podcast is the worst. I'm addicted to Aaron Slaff, Adel's puns, and JPC's characters. I hate listening to Riddles and randomly say groceries and Adel's voice for no reason. This podcast has cussed me. I think that should be cursed.

Because I never cussed you, motherfucker. I'm stuck in Rital Landa. There's not a white rabbit to help me out. Just little monkey bones and Uncle Santa. Don't make the same mistake we all did and binge every single episode of this podcast and sing with the same song in public, you will lose your sanity with all your friends.

This was your warning. Incredible. Looks like a cinnamon roll. That's a fun name. Aw. Cute. Cute. Well, hot dogs.

Well, back to the old hot dogs, mine. Starting, Aaron Keith. Casey's only to be editing. Now are he parents in the music. Hey, Reddys and Fluffs. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We have James Dugan on for a Penguin Baseball League documentary. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com.

By joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus, you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan.

And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit.

Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. new episodes every Tuesday