Hey Riddle Riddle - #417: Two Little Twinkie Boats w/ Katie Rich & Holly Laurent

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

This week, we have two returning guests together for the first time! What a wonderful combination of some of our favorite folks. Also, check out their show:"Soccer Moms” is a production of iHeartMedia and Will Ferrell’s Big Money Players network, with new episodes available weekly on Tuesdays on the iHeartRadio app and everywhere podcasts are heard. Starring:Adal Rifai John Patrick CoanErin KeifSpecial Guests:Katie RichHolly LaurentEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Good news at LJPC. do one more episode and then I've earned my riddle badge. Oh, Aaron. Congratulations. Thank you. I got this one for helping an old lady cross the street. I got this one for learning how to climb a tree. And now I just have a spot ready for riddles. And then once you get this, Aaron, I'm so sorry. I know I should take more of an interest in your social hobbies. But what is it you become? You become a certified witch. Oh, Erin.

Congratulations, you've been searching for that for so long. I know, I get to finally put curses on you guys if you wrong me in any sort of way. Oh, hurry. Oh, Aaron, just to make sure, real quick, when you helped an old lady across the street, it wasn't like a Mrs. Doubtfire situation, right? What do you mean? You think it was by dad? If it was like a guy trying to win back as kids, it doesn't count.

Yeah. It doesn't count. Yeah. And then you can never be a witch. Yeah. Okay, what about me climbing a tree? It was kind of a Mrs. Doubtfire situation when I did that. Well, I'll just say, Aaron, I don't know your specific situation. It's happened to me a bunch of times. I wouldn't put this on you. But if you climbed a person wearing a tree costume that you thought was a tree, that's not going to count for much. Okay, I'm going to throw my sash into the garbage. All right, guys, that's fine. I don't even care. And we technically don't even do riddles on this podcast. We just do jokes. So it's like you can't really get a riddle.

badge for this podcast either. I don't even care. That's fine. Me at my desk seeing Aaron throw her sashes in the garbage. One good deed. Something. Something. You've done it. Aaron. My boy, you've done it. The factory is yours. I don't care. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Never mind. Let's do an episode. Oh, yeah. Let's do an episode. And who better to do an episode with, but the soccer moms themselves. They don't, they don't see too. Oh, maybe they're excited. All you are on. Ayah. We were so excited that our tongues fell out and we had to put them back in.

We could really use someone who could help us and get a badge for it, but I guess that won't happen. Oh, it's too late. It's too late. Aaron already has her tonguing a woman badge. I got that in college. Who didn't? Spinning a cigar. The little badge just has like a cherry stem with a knot in it.

Yeah. Guys, thank you for coming to the show. This is a huge honor to have you. We've had you before, but to have you on together is very meaningful to me. I'm very happy to have. We're so happy. Holly and I have gotten to a point where we don't want to do anything not together. So thank you for acknowledging and adhering to that.

Yeah, we've planned a whole strategy on how to cheat today. So it requires both of us. It's kind of like a card counting thing, but it works for riddles. Unfortunately, there's no visual, but there's some blinking. There's some Morse code blinking, sort of like the torture guy. We all know the torture guy. I feel like you guys are going to be the first to hack the show. We have never had riddle card counters on before.

So this is going to be really exciting. If there's anything that Holly and I are good at, it's not. not doing the job, but working hard to do the thing to help us not do the job. Heading a corner and it's a longer route. I told me. Correct. We would rather walk three miles than the five minutes it takes. Here's my, and I'm not trying to cast accusations.

My guess is that one of you distracts us with a personal anecdote while the other one Googles the answer to the riddle. Okay. We're going to have to come up with something else. Shoot. Wow. That's what he got there right in the first try. No. Yes.

We're going to play fair for one of the first times in our lives. Although I am using a dog as well to help. To distract. We have a phone a dog. Yeah. We have a phone a dog. But it's wonderful to be here. We just, we adore you guys.

And yeah, thank you. If people haven't heard your past, episodes. Could you guys talk about like your time in Chicago together and how you met? We met through the sacred act of improv, Chicago improv scene, through our patron saint, Shana Halpern. I pray to her every night. Every night. Yeah, Holly and I have known each other for an embarrassingly long time.

And then we both got the honor of doing the main stage at Second City together. And we were the only two women, which never really happens. It was just we were too much women for, they had two black cast members. And then they were like, well, then we can't have more than, you know, two women. And Noah's Ark style. Huh? Noah's Ark style, two by two. A thousand percent.

And we kind of went through like 20 years of friendship in like two years. two years because we were just always together in a small space. And like, we went through all the fights and the things and everything that you would go through in 20 years of friendship. And so now we're just kind of the same person. Family, yeah. Now we're just family. Now we're just like a real functional family. Yeah. Who's ever heard of one of them? And so we haven't been able to live in the same city for a while. And so we wanted to do a project that would be an excuse for us to kind of be together and not have to act too much. And so we created soccer moms where we play fictional versions of ourselves that are very rooted in ourselves that are we are two best friends,

shocking, who have children. That's the stretch. Who play in youth sports. And the games are so boring that they've decided to start a podcast in their minivan. And that is the basis of it. And it sort of is two types of, um, we sometimes do straight interviews with people, uh, who are just playing themselves and we're interviewing them in character. And then some, uh, most of it is our friends coming on and doing, um, a character that lives in the world with us. To improvise with us, we're going to make all you do it. Yep. Sorry. Uh, when that popped up on Instagram, I literally mumbled to myself, I manifested this. I was like, I did this.

If you wish hard enough, a podcast exists. Aw. Well, we can't wait to have you all on. And yeah, we got some big folks coming up, big guests, not in size, but in stature. Who's your tallest guest? That's a great question. Because we just had Ross Bryant on a different show of ours, and I got to say, I think Ross.

God damn it. We've had this is probably the tallest. Ross makes me feel normal-sized. Because I'm very tall. How tall are you? I'm 5-10, but I usually wear something with a little bit of umph to it. So I'm usually about six feet. 5-10 with a cape. 5-10 with a cape.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I think Ross probably, right? That's the tallest. Who's the tallest person we've ever had? I don't know. We just had Ashlyn Harris. I don't know.

How is she? She's like, she's almost six feet tall. Yeah. The goalkeeper for the women's team, Ashlyn Harris. Woof. Very. Very cool. Very hot.

So yeah. So it was basically just our excuse to get to be with each other a lot. It's on Big Money Players Network on IHeart, which is Will Ferrell's Network. And yeah, we have been having such a great time. It's the best. I implore people to check it out. And we normally do plugs at the end, but I wanted you guys to talk about it right at the beginning. because I people have like when I get asked about and I've gushed to you guys about it so I'm just going to talk about you like you're not here but when I get asked about like big influences uh Katie and Holly have my like favorite second city scene of all time is it a student in a teacher or a guidance counselor and a teacher yeah that it's the best and then you guys came and did a two person show at IO when I was a student and I truly like in a days catatotically on the train the whole right

at home was like, something has changed. I know who I'm, I know something has happened to me and I know who I'm trying to be. That sounds like the beginning of a musical number, Aaron. Yeah. I made the whole train car sing with me and they were furious. Yeah. I thought you were going to say, something has changed. You got your first period that night.

I did. I became a woman that night. No. Wait, hold on. I actually know when Aaron got her first period and it's when she saw Tom Brady in a Boston pastry parade. Yeah, that is actually, well, I know, that's when I became a woman. I felt like it became a woman when he looked at me. So when you look at him now, does your period go back?

Oh, yeah. Go back up. It just completely, it comes out my mouth. I get, like, I just like throwing up blood. Something definitely comes out my mouth when I see him now. I went to the roast of Tom Brady because my friend was a producer on it. And I hadn't seen him since I was in the third grade in person when I, at that Patriots parade. And I went, oh, man, you were handsome once.

And now you look like a scary marionette puppet. Oh, no. It's tough. It's real tough what he's done to himself. And, you know, he's literally, it pains me to say, but he is the greatest of all time. And he still had to do that to himself. So what hope, remember when Hallie Berry got cheated on? I was like, there's no hope for any of us. You just got to like who you are and accept it.

You're on your own. Mary, I don't remember this. Who did that? David Justice. Shame, David Justice. The ball player. And David Justice, you're our chump of the week. That's the thing we do every week.

In 1994. Yeah, you can get chump of the week for stuff that you did in the 90s for sure. We're not, your crimes follow you here. Retroactive chump of the week. Right. It's not a linear thing. No. It exists outside of the week.

time. Definitely. Okay, we're all saying the same thing. Yes, we all agree. We're on the same page, and so let's get even further on the same page by doing some riddles. How does that sound? Woo-hoo. Very nervous. Yeah. Katie, Holly, we've had you both on the show before, but separately. Katie, we were looking at this before we started recording. We had you on almost two years ago, and Holly, it's been five years since you've been on the show. So in the last two for Katie, five for Holly. Has your relationship with riddles change? changed it all. Well, COVID didn't help.

Yep. You know. And you came on post-COVID already. Right. Yeah. I believe you came out of 2024, so, but COVID didn't help with that. Yeah, COVID didn't do shit for my appearance last time. And that was like the height of COVID.

This is 2021, I believe, yes. I will say that I came on feeling like I'm somebody who enjoys a. a riddle. I did I did pretty well when I was reading the Hobbit of what has he got in its pockets. I'm probably going to be all right. And then what I learned in that post-COVID appearance on Hey Riddle Riddle is that I started acting like my microphone wasn't working so that you would think that was why I didn't ever have any answers. There she goes. A strategy that no one had done before. I mean, there she goes walking three miles when it's across the street. Well, okay, so that's great news because I think that today's riddles are going to kind of just ease you back in.

Now, these are submitted by a listener. This is a listener whose name is Kathleen, and Kathleen is in Calgary. Okay. Kathleen wrote us also a very nice note that said that she started listening to the show when her first child was born. And our first child is seven. And she lets that child listen to the show. Hang up. Hang up the phone.

I don't want to think about that. Hang up on her. Stop it. Just kind of rough stuff. Okay. So here's your first riddle. This is a riddle from Kathleen. When is your uncle's sister?

When is your uncle's sister, not your aunt? When she's your mom? Addle. It is when she is your mom. That is correct. I do want to see a son. Adel's just a stud. Yeah.

I do want to see a seed. Is everyone familiar with the Jack Nicholson story? No. There's many. Of his parentage. Katie, totally fair. He got points for being the Joker, right? He took merch points.

He made like $250 million off Batman, which is true. He found out at some point that his mom was his sister and his grandma was his mom. Oh. Oh, I think that was very common of his era. Oh, yeah. We've lost that. We've lost that tradition. That whimsy of, oh, Sarah, Sarah's upstate.

And when she comes back, I've had a new kid. So I'd like to see a scene. Let's say that Holly, you are sitting air and down to let her know that you are not her real mom, that Katie is her real mom. And Katie, you can be whoever you like. Darling, I went to the hostess outlet today. So I've got fresh boxes of whatever you like. I got ho-hoes, twinkies, ding-dongs. Mom, you never let me have dessert like this.

What's going on? Do you have bad news? Are you okay? No, I just couldn't miss a sale. I could not miss a sale. And these are all buy one, get one, or half off, which I think is the same thing. But I didn't stick around to do the math. I just started filling up my cart. And for the life of me, I could not remember what's your favorite?

Or is it these are the cherry pies? Is it these the... I'm a twinkie gal. You're a twinkie. The entire dining room is filled. Mom, are these guilt desserts? What's going on? These are love desserts because I love you so much.

I want you to have a little pleasure. I know you like to pull your twinky into two and make two little twinkie boats instead of one twinky log. So here you go. You have one little twigree. Is that my cue? Come on in. Come on in. Come on in.

Diane. Oh, hi, Diane. Oh, hey. Hey, sport. Babe, Diane, give her a hug. Give her a hug. Get in there. Get in there.

Arms are so strong. Doesn't that feel good? And yours are too. Yours are too. More than you think. More than you could ever know. Yeah. Yeah.

Is Diane dying, Mom? Your weird friend, Diane, sorry. Hey, sorry. You can editorialize as much as you want, babe. You can't, I promise. But no, nobody's dying. I mean, I feel like... I just want to tell you.

You only see Diane usually on the Fourth of July. Yeah, that was a big day for us. That is, that is. That was a big day for us. Yeah. And not just because I lost a finger. Because I gained something real important that day, too. That's right.

someone Well, you know how Honey, you know how When all the When all the Stop chaving twinkies in my mouth. Mom, please. I'm sorry, sorry.

I'll eat them at my own pace. I want you to know, do you remember in Star Wars When all the Jedi's ships, you know, when Luke is like racing toward the Death Star and all the stormtroopers ships are following him and he's going towards the death star.

It's so much like what happens in a woman's reproductive system. These, these, um, these little, a little fleet of tiny ships are headed toward, their little white guy too. Yeah. Toward a big death star. Um, and, you know. Is this a birds in the bees conversation? Because mom, I know all of this.

I went through health class. You do. Okay. About the sperm fertilizing the egg. Yeah. I know. Gross. I don't want to talk in front of.

Weird firework, Diane. Sorry. I'm not, I'm not supposed to be. It's my change my name. You got to call me what, you know, it's my legal name. I just wanted to tell you that basically there's never been a fleet of Jedi ships or stormtrooper ships. Um, heading toward my death star. But Diane has.

In fact, just like that one Jedi did get in and blow up the death star, same thing happened to Diane's egg. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a bobo-fent. Okay. Um, not anymore, hon. Not anymore, but I was. I was.

I got ripped up pretty bad. Yeah. Okay. Anyway. Well. You know how it's real hard for you to find hats? Yeah, classically. I have a really hard time finding hats.

Yeah, well, that's not a coincidence. It's correlation and causation. Yeah. those two things exist. Well, you're eating Twinkies too. You have the same favorite as me. Pull them apart. You got it.

She pulls my part too. Make two little twinkie bones. Yeah. Got to boat. Yeah. Wait a minute. And look, you both have a dimple in your chin. Look at that.

Mine's from getting hit with a golf club. That's true. And I know that that's not necessarily how evolution works in genetics, but that's how strong it was. Yeah. Babe. I'm your mom That's your mom

I'm your mom That's her She's your mom I couldn't And your friend I guess you're her friend now I don't know What we would call you

Will be friends forever You were a chosen family And weird firework Diane's my mom Is dad my dad I'm still your dad I'm still your dad I'm still your dad See

She's been sitting there all time Just nodding, just nodding the entire time. Star Wars, yes. Two things. Two things real quick. One, I never realize sperm and stormtroopers are both little white guys. And then also, I really like the idea I've never heard before log or little boats. Let's see.

One of your Twinkie is little boats or log. I think that's phenomenal. It's so fun to pull them apart. And then you get the feeling like you got to eat two instead of one. Yes. And all the frosting is out. And so you get to, but you know what was driving me crazy? What are those stormtrooperships called with the flat sides that, what are those called?

Tie fighters. Oh, tie fighters. Bow tie fighters. Everyone hears head sex. Look at all these improvisers. Tie fighters. Tie fighters. It's a tie fighter.

Yeah. I hate how when you're having sex and you're about to land the killing blow and then the millennium falcons swoops in there and then takes it. from you. It's like, God, every time. Been there. Here's your next riddle. What is black when new, red when in use, and gray when discarded? Oh, when new. When new it is black, it is red when it is in use, and it is gray when discarded.

Hmm. Hmm. Do we get a hint? Charcoal? It's charcoal. Charcoal. You're a stud. Just like charcoal. Yeah.

Much like charcoal, the man is on fire. Man, that's... All right, give us another one. I'm, I'm, my brain's turning on. We're warming up today, yeah. Yeah, these, that one, okay, we, we, has, here's another one. This will help warm the rest of your brain. Thank you.

Completely over. My first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete. And so remains until my first and second meet. What am I? And is this, is that this, is that, describing the word or the object? My first,

eh. Say it again. My first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete. And so remains until my first and second meet. What am I? It's kind of describing the word. No, I guess it's more describing the thing.

It's more describing the thing than it is describing like the word. Is it something like the moon? I got to be honest with you. You know when they look in Homer Simpson, brain and it's just like a panda with symbols in black and white. Sure.

That's what's going on right now, gang. But the symbols are too tweaky bones. It's Homer Simpson's brain and it's like, yeah, exactly. It's a turduckin. It's a turduckin of unoriginal comedy thoughts, which is basically all I am at this point.

Yeah. I'm more Simpsons quote than person at this way. You don't win friends with salad. Exactly. Is it like a word, it's not the word thing, right? No. No.

Okay. So my first is half of anything. It's not like half of anything. Like anything. You split that. No. It's describing a word that means half of anything, basically. It's a tough word to put it.

50%. It's not 50%. This is a compound word, I would say, the answer to this. So it's like my first is half of anything. my second is in itself complete. That's its own full word. A part. Not a part.

Wedge. No. I'm honestly trying to think of a clue to give you. And I'm like, I've got Homer Simpson's symbol brain trying to think of like what clue could get you to this. I'm thinking of Katie thinking of Homer. Yeah. Thinking of it's just to kind of clear out the cobwebs. What's everyone?

one's favorite Simpsons quote, just to get it out there. The one that I say the most? Yeah. Well, it has changed now that it's the World Cup. Okay. So now it's Ariaga, Bariaga, Arugula, and Sotsa. But it's the one I say the most is nuts to this. I'm going to the movies.

The one that sticks with me the most is I believe it's Chief Wiggum. I probably will butcher it because I'm not good at the exact words. But I think Snake is like escaping. And he goes, I'd rather watch a thousand guilty men run away than chase after them. I love that. That's awesome. Mine used to be the where Millhouse's dad is like, I have a race car bed. Do you sleep in a race car?

I live in a big bed with my wife. That used to be it. But I think my all-time favorite might be Lionel Hutz, where I think Margie's. where I think Marge's walking and he goes, if you lived here, you'd be home now. Which I think it's just great. I think that one all the time. The one I quote the most is I'm in danger, I think.

That lasted since childhood. What's mine, Katie? Can I tell you what I think yours is? And I think it's a recent one. I think it's, and here come the pretzels. Oh, at the free pretzel night? Free pretzel night. I was trying to think if any of those words you said would land on an answer here, but none of you mentioned this.

So it was a futile exercise? Well, not quite, Katie, because I used that little exercise to Google the answer. And what I found is, what I found is answer, not found. No. You stole Holly and I's little. He stole our cheat. So it's a thing that means half? Yeah, so the second word is in itself complete.

You would say that this comes full... Fully cooked, full... Circle. Erin, circle. So my first is half of anything. It's semi-circle. It's semi-circle. Yeah.

I love that we did it together. And we did it together. Move on to the next one before I get mad. And I will say, shout out to all those poor people listening to this who knew it right way and just were screaming Will Fortune style at the their own. And shout out to our rich listeners as well. We care about you, not just the poor ones. The rich ones matter. And for our middle class listeners, we're sorry you're

disappearing so quickly. It's tough. Sorry about the price of eggs and gas. Okay, here's your next one. We'll do one more. This will get you fully warmed up. Then we'll take a break. You'll cool the fuck off and we'll be absolutely screwed for the second half of the show. I have neither bones nor spine, yet I can carry fire

upon my head. What am I? Prometheus, my dear sir. Torch is good. Prometheus is even better. A match. It is Prometheus. No. Okay, it's not match and it's not torch, but let's see. Candle. Okay, Erin. Yes, it's a candle. Yes, nice. That's an odd riddle.

Uh-huh. Yeah. That one was. To me, it's like a collection of facts. Like, you know what I mean? I do want to see a scene. Oh, sorry. Aaron, did you call for him? Oh, yeah, but you, if you want.

Please, go ahead. I would like to see a scene. Katie, you are a bed and breakfast owner, and it's a very spooky kind of haunted bed and breakfast, and you greet your guests by like kind of old-timey candlelight. And we'll have Adel and Holly be two people who are checking in. Oh, wow. Honey, this is wild. I'm already spooked out.

I love being scared. I know. This is so fitting for October. Welcome. Oh. Hi. My champagne flute exploded. I know.

I'm sorry. I will say I have the thing that R.F.K. Jr. has. So that's why I have the spasmodic diaphragm issue. So I'm not trying to be creepy Oh, well, I'll come Thank you. We're the Richardson's. It's our honeymoon. Oh, what a wonderful choice.

Breakfast is at midnight. Oh, no, that's going to be an adjustment. Yes, well, so is marriage. Oh, that's true. Honey, she doesn't have feet. Look at the bottom of the road. I'm glad you noticed. Oh, sorry.

So this is a shoes off bedded breakfast. Oh, okay, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Thank you. There's coffee always available, but never the milk you want. Oh, no. Oh, Daphne, are you going to be okay?

Yeah, let me do. Daphne, ooh. That was my mother's name. mother's name. Oh, really? Oh, my gosh. I never met her. Oh.

I'm sorry. Because you died or she died? Oh, you'll find out when you check out on time at 11. It's probably some wiggle room, right? Like if I call and say, you can you push it back? It depends on if we have more guests. Will you be consummating the marriage tonight? I guess that depends on midnight breakfast

Yeah, yeah, if we can I don't want to get too full, you know I mean, I understand Well, we also have a pool Oh, wonderful Yes, it's not chlorinated Oh, it's salt water even better Yeah

Wonderful Well, I hear we have a heat wave coming So that'll be nice Yes, but it never gets It's hot in here. Oh, wow. Earwigs came out when she cough. Welcome to the Maplewood B&B.

How can I help you guys? Who are you chatting with? Are you on the phone? Oh. Oh, we were just, wait, where'd she go? Daphne, where'd she? I met my daughter. Bye.

What time is breakfast? Breakfast is at midnight. Checkout is 11 a.m. on the dot. There's no flexibility. And we do have a saltwater pool. Will you be consummating your marriage here tonight? Hmm. The different feet.

Scene. I do love a hotel being like, and will you be consummating your marriage? Why did the hotel ask us if we'd be consummating our marriage if they didn't do anything special? I said yes. I would think it would be to let housekeeping. know. Yeah. But the cleaning crew no. Right? Yeah.

They'll need to come check the sheets and make sure check the come. Check the come. Everyone, always leave a tip for your housekeeper when you go. Even if you didn't get housekeeping services, you have to. Even if you didn't come. Even if you don't come all over, even if you don't

consummate your marriage, you can still they still appreciate it. Yeah. Well, should we take a break? No, we shall not take a break because we have one more riddle, and we're going to do this riddle. I think this one's going to be quick. Okay. I can make oil boil. What am I?

Water. The letter B? Speaking of B's, we will be right back after this quick break. I have to charge my computer. What that did was it uncharged the Katie's computer completely. Yeah, drained it of life. That brief segment drained all the battery out. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

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I might have to upgrade. That's helixleep.com slash riddle for the 4th of July sale. Helixleep.com slash riddle. Jaddle rify. All right. We're back and we're back with more riddles. Here's your next one. I am a word that means to be by oneself.

And if you subtract two letters from me, I still have no company. What am I? I know it. I'm going to wait. Oh, Aaron. Because I think people can get it. Oh, it's alone. It's alone.

Take away two letters. Al. If your name is Al, you're probably divorced. Maybe. Was Al the neighbor on home improvement? No. Al Borland, yeah. Yes.

Right? No. Al Borland was the guy. No. Co-host. He was the co-host. It doesn't make any sense. So you guys are straight is what that conversation answered.

Katie, if I may, rah, rah, rah. Did the. The neighbor, who's the neighbor without a face? That was on a different Tim Allen vehicle. That was a little improvement. Okay. Wilson. Wilson.

Also, no, that's the volleyball from that Tom Hanksville. And the fish song. Okay. I'm also white. That, okay. Sounds like you're a straight guy. I know, right? I always say it's very, it's a binary thing to say, but I'm, it's a, it's a, the world is better that I was, that I'm a female because.

I would be J. Cutler if I think I'm in male. I have all those tendencies. But the only thing that keeps me from it is, you know. That's a T-shirt. That's a goddamn T-shirt. I do not know if I get, I, Katie got the answer right. Correct? Alone?

Yeah. Alone and one. But what two letters? Oh, one? Oh, my God. Okay. I'm a doof. No, Al.

I know Al was a perfectly acceptable answer because most of the one. Most owls that I know, yeah. That was a much funnier answer. Have you guys watched alone the TV show? Yeah. No, but I have had people tell me that it is compelling. I would give it a watch. You really are alone out there, and it's like a true surviving thing.

Yeah. Because it is like they won't help you. No. Right? Like, ugh. What's the premise? It's a reality show? Yeah.

You're left alone and whoever can, survive the longest wins, all the money. But you're like left alone in the like, in the like Arctic Circle and you have to like, you have nothing. You're allowed to bring like eight items. You can have like a fishing line, something to make fire with, a knife. It's like that. Are people dying? Well, they lose like 80 pounds. The producers won't let you die. Like they will intervene, won't they? If it gets to a certain. If you're like, if your body fat gets to a certain thing, they pull you and people have been like, people have been like, no. But you have to like build your shelter.

I do love going on and be like, until I hit 135, do not pull me until I hit 135. Wait, 135 is also my goal weight. Same. That's so funny. I'm a bridesmaid next month and I'm wearing a yellow dress. So do not pull me until. My wife says if I get down to 135, she'll pull me.

I'm very much for her. I'll do that. Alone is super stressful. because, I mean, they're all survivalists. Like, they train for it forever. Oh, so they're not just like me. They're like, they actually, this is what they do. It's like a bare grills type.

I see. They're passionate about it. But what's stressful is they will not tell you how many people are left in the game. So when you're like 80 days in, they're not telling you, you have to outlive or outlive, outlast. Like five people or one person. So you just, you kind of just have to go for. And what's the prize? It's like not as much money as you would think.

I think it's like a hundred grand or something. Maybe 200 grand. It's like not what you would think for that. For that amount of, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there was one.

For 80 days of work? That's perfect. I'm sorry. How much do you guys fucking make that 200 grand is it worth 80 days of work? That's killing a lot of squirrels. That's two and a half months. A lot of dead squirrels. My God.

No, JPC, they get to eat 100 grand when they're done. Oh, even better. That's what it was. And it's delicious by that point. What are my favorite things in the world? world is to watch, I watch every season of Survivor and one of my favorite things is the food challenge. And I don't know what it is, but it's so satisfying to see them eat after they've been star for like 30 days. Yeah. Obviously it's a lot of sponsorship and bullshit. But to see them bite into

like an Oreo. And an Oreo. Yes. And be like, oh my, this is the best thing. And they're gushing for two minutes. And you're like, this is, I don't know, for some reason it really delights me. And you said this season they had Mr. Beast on and he brought Mr. Beast's feastables and Nobody wanted them. No, I said they had Mr. Bean on. Mr. Bean's feastable. And he brought a bunch of beans and nobody would use beans. And his to the camera alone footage was unusable.

Well, nobody wants Mr. Bean's beans because he's so goddamn wacky. You can't trust that those beans are like, you know, clean beans. I know this is not an original thought as nothing is anymore. But Mr. Beast really has, you know, when he smiles how his, the top part of his face doesn't move. Sure. And so it's that uncanny. I think he's one of the scariest

people out there. And I know he's listening. But I just... And you need to hear this, sir. You do need to hear this. But why doesn't his... Let this be a wake-up call. Why doesn't his upper face move?

And it's not like a Botox situation. He's a mannequin that made a wish. Oh, yeah, I think so. One of those classic situations. Manichin made a wish. And now is... If he was born a woman, he'd be kind of a woman. he'd be Kim Cottrell

I'd really like I'd been born a woman because I would love to be Kim patrol Me too Katie you have created my favorite new party game which is if you were born the opposite sex

The Jay Kettler thing really Yeah It makes sense doesn't it Yeah Because you're like oh wow Katie like is a kind person Who can function in the world But like if I had been a man

My parents wanted to name me Sean Oh, yeah. And so like Sean Rich, Oof. Oh, yeah. That's rough. I would be, I wouldn't even be a cop.

Like, I would have failed that. I'd be like a security guard at the metro or something. You'd be punching holes in walls and walls in Wrigleyville. Yeah, but not as a job. It sounds like a way to describe your like dirt brag friend

and be like, you know, like, Sean just bought a Volvo. It's like, he has that money? No, he's Sean, Rich. But he's not like, She doesn't have money. And to all the Sean Pores listening. We support you.

And Sean Middle Class, we know you don't exist anymore. Man, this has kind of got me fucked up because I just did the exercise. I played it at home real quick. And honest to God, the thing that came to my mind when I said, if I was a male, who would I be? And the first thing that came to my mind, no shit, was Shia LaBoff. Whoa. Holly, I think you clear LaBeouf by a country trial.

I can see that. And here's why. Because Holly is so wonderfully, like, everything, we call her a walking poem. And everything about her is just that the world is hard for her to bear because she's so sensitive and wonderful and such an artist. And I think if she was a stray white male, she wouldn't know where to put all that. Yeah, I would. And so she would get in fights outside Walgreens. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, yeah.

Yeah, I feel like I would be this scrappy little like, like I'm picking a fight that doesn't need to be a pit or something if I was a man. I think Shia LaBuff is perfect. That's who you would be. You're a little peanut butter falcon. There should be like a number on billboards that you could call if you feel like you might be Shailabuff. Like if you might be a little bit of Shailabuff. Yeah. If you're having LeBuff-esque urges, like you should call a number and have like someone talk to you.

You help me. I'm labuffed. I'm a funny child actor, but things have gone really off the rails. I've labuffed. I've labov. I've labov. Also, that's not like that far away from your name. Yeah.

Holly Laurent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very French. And it's so funny because Holly is not, Holly's like from Elgin. Holly's from like a dumpster outside Elgin.

So it's like, it's so funny that she has the most beautiful fancy French name. Yeah. Very El-Leste. Legent. I thought Elgin rhymed more with Elgin, but it doesn't. Did it? Once you say it, it doesn't. I think it's fun how you guys think that you would have, you would be like a celebrity if you were born. If I was born a woman, I feel like I would just be like a woman that we don't know.

Yeah, I'd be like a weird woman. What's her the problem? From Santa Fe. You just have to, this is an exercise in trust. We all have to just trust. I would like to hear Marissa Sullivan leaving a voicemail. right now for she got her turquoise jewelry came and it was broken. And she's calling the company.

Okay, here we go. Okay, this is, I know your office hours are now, so interesting you're not picking up. This is Marissa Sullivan again. And I will continue to call until my complaint is resolved. I spoke to Thomas at the brick and mortar. and I bought what I was told was a handcrafted turquoise toe ring, a TTR.

Now, my toe fit perfectly into it until the gout kicked in when I had my two boats of Twinkies and yes, I'm a boat's not a log. Please call me back. I deserve compensation. I will be talking to a lawyer,

my dad, if this is not resolved. Thank you for your time. Please leave a message after the beat. Classic Marissa Sullivan. Hey, Marissa, where's my pot pie? See? I can I, this is vulnerable, but the impulse I had first of who I would be if I was a man. And this is maybe, I need to examine this.

Sure. I thought Rivers Cuomo. Is that the guy, the Wieser lead singer? He's the guy from Wieser. I could see that. I was like, I would be. wearing glasses, I'd be in a band. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah. Very weird about women. Very into Japanese women. Yes. One leg is shorter than the other. Why do you know this? I know a lot about her.

I'm a weasherhead. I love that guy. I do think that that's interesting. Yes, I think that you would be extremely odd. Yeah. Thank you. And like the things that the oddness about you now is actually wonderful and works. because of the gender that you identify as. Incredible.

Katie, I think you have a career in this. I think that you could have a side hustle where people reach out to you and they say, if I was the opposite gender, who would I be? And then you can sort of walk them through. Please write in. I will do it. I would love to do it because I think it's really interesting. And, you know, a lot of the, for some people, here's the scary part, they would be better people.

Oh, yeah. Not like, like, you know what I mean? Like, not always, but like for some people, it's like, you might want to get in touch with that side of yourself because. Can I think the fact that I think I would be worse gives me a little bit of empathy. Mm-hmm. Towards men. Because I think a lot of the things that would be bad for me is because of like society. Like, I would just feel pressure to.

It would be a destructive. The way that you would express the things that you express now would be in a destructive way. Yes. Yeah. When I, when my woke 3.0 agenda hits Congress, I am. going to mandate it's only 3.0 It's 3.0 for now. Yes. Yeah, we're just on 3.0.

I'm going to mandate that people swap genders at least once in their life because I do think that there's like an empathy building tool in there as well. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's I changed my name when I was 20 and then I've lived, you know, 17 years with a different

name. And it does kind of feel like two separate lives. Like you're living like two separate, you know, people. So I do think some mandatory swaps should be a, yeah, give me in government. Well, you have to also do a year in a service job. Yes. Yes. Definitely.

The IDF. Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let's stop, stop, stop. Yeah, no, you're right. Wait, we are saying the same thing. That riddle is, no. Well, it's sort of happening on smaller scales. I have several friends on HRT, like in like perimenopause stuff where they're on testosterone for the first time in their life, females who are now taking testosterone.

And they're like, whoa, I am horny. I am ambitious. And I'm like dumb. Like d'R. Isn't it wild that we're, that's all we are is just a collection of hormones and what gets released when and like that's all it is. And I'm hearing these women say like it gives me more compassion. like I understand men more, like having more testosterone in my system. But I've never heard the reverse.

We can like pump addle full of soy milk and see if you see what happens. See how many times he calls that place. There's a really great This American Life from like 20 years ago about testosterone. And there's people who are. Men are poison, women are venom? Is that what a, no. That's the book that you wrote using mostly AI that came out this week. All right, hold on. Let's do another riddle.

We still have to know who Adel's female. Who is the female adle? It's Melissa Sullivan. It's Melissa Sullivan from state of fate. But I will say, I did think about it. And I didn't want to say it because I'm embarrassed to be like, I'm punching way above my weight class. But my first thought was Gina Davis, who. Wow. I mean, if I could just be one-tenth of Gina Davis, I think I'd be thrilled. Yeah.

I got to think about that one. that's interesting I see why you said that I do too I want to be Jennifer Coolidge that's just who I want to be yeah but you're not definitely

this isn't who you want to be it's who you would be it's the anima and animus of you it's not just like yeah I mean I would like to be there's a lot of guys I'd like to be but

no I Gina Davis is very interesting to me I can picture you in Stuart Little Oh I can picture you in that movie And there's a vibe to you There's a there's a softness to you That also is a softness to her

Her dimples You are you are her dimples You are her dimples Thank you But she's like a next level genius And she's a badass Which is why I'm like I'm not like her But I think

I aspire to be her I see so that's why I was saying I see it And she's tall like you Katie She's like you Katie She's taller than me. How tall is she? Wow.

I think she's like a legit six feet. She's taller than me. My friend Eric Edelson in Los Angeles just shot a movie with her and she was supposed to like she was supposed to kick, like turn sideways and do one of those kind of like, you know, like karate kicks in his face. And she was supposed to kick, you know, within a foot of his face, but not kick his face. And they set up the shot wrong and she kicked him directly in the face. And not many men did he say they've been kicked in the face. faced by Gina Davis and Eric Edelson's wife got the frame and framed it. And it's a picture of him like with his like, that's awesome.

Yeah. And you might as well. Holly, not only a fantastic story. I'm also dying to know what this movie is. Yeah. Look it up. Gina Davis is throwing out sidekicks. Look it up.

Gina Davis, Eric Edelson, movie. See what it says. I can't remember. Face kick. Face kick. Face plus kick plus movie. I just, I get to this machine. that changes your gender and I'd like come in and then I'd like get popped out as like Matt LeBlanc

and I'd be like, oh no, what does that mean? The machine didn't work. No, it doesn't not work. It always works. Whatever you are, it's, hey man, take it up with the guy who made the machine. Or girl. Or girl. Wow.

The doctor was the mother famously on this show. All right. Hold on now. We have to do another riddle. This is the show. This is the goddamn show. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. You know, I'm not sorry. Because Jay Cutler would not be sorry. He would say, I don't care. He would be like, this sucks. Shia not sorry either. Shia and not sorry.

And Gina Davis would try to beat her sister in the women's baseball. The thing that really makes me know it's true, Katie, spiritually you would be married to that woman from the, what's your name? Kristen's the Hills. Although they're now divorced. See, but that I, classic you. You would marry and divorce Kristen Cavalieri for sure. I feel that on every timeline. She's your wife and then not your wife.

That's like a time traveler's, what's the movie with the time traveler in the situation? It doesn't matter. Here's your next riddle. I can be quick and then I'm deadly. I am a rock, shell, and bone medley. If I was made into a man, hey, how about that? Wow. Kind of germane to our whole thing here.

I'd make people dream. I gather in millions by ocean, sea, and stream. What am I? Sandman? It's sand. Sand man. Maybe the best intro to a song of all time. Where it sounds like he's stalling where it's like, bum bum bum, bum, boom.

Like looking around the room, being like, what am I? I don't know what to sing about. I'm sand. Keep it going, keep it going. Someone points to an hourglass. Sand. Man. He's bringing the

drink. Did you say dream? Yeah, dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll do another. Here's your next one. Without a bridle or a saddle, across a thing I ride a straddle.

And those I ride, by help of me, though almost blind, are made to see. What am I? What the heart? Glasses? It's glasses. It's my glasses. The bridge of the, like it sits across your nose.

Yeah. The nose is the, yeah, okay. The horseback of the face. Adel and Aaron are like, oh, I get it. And both Katie and Holly are just, they look upset. No, but that's fair. They're having the correct reaction. I think, yeah, I, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be judgmental. I do want to see a scene. Why not? I don't want to. Okay. I'd like to see a seed. Holly, you are at the optometrist, getting your eyes checked and new pair of glasses. JPC, you are the optometrist, and you keep using sort of animal or whatever other type of analogies for glasses and eyesight that just don't kind of necessarily get used a lot in these circumstances.

How about these? Do you like me in a heavier frame or should I be in something a little more delicate? get? Well, I mean, honestly, the frame is not as important as the prescription inside. That's right. That's right. The frame is really a you choice. I can obviously give an opinion, but it's not a medical opinion. But I will say you have wolf's eyes. So a frame like this is, it's going to draw attention away from those size. That is so wild that you say that because I was once in a cacao. ceremony, drum circle, ecstatic dance night, where a shaman led us through a mental exercise where he said, an animal is walking up to you. And do you know what was walking up to me? A gray wolf. Oh, okay. And it looked me in the eyes, and I knew somehow that I was the wolf and the wolf was me. And I know everyone would want to be like a Mustang, you know, if you have, you know, some kind of like

animal side of you. But evidently, I'm a wolf. And you saw that. I feel seen. I see lots of eyes. It's kind of a, it's, well, the part where I know what animal's eyes you have is more of a quirk. Unique to me, it's not really a professional thing. And it's not a medical. You are quirky.

And you smell of eucalyptus. This office smells fresh. I appreciate that. I went through a car wash this morning. Really? And all of my windows, I thought that they were up, but I just got them tinted. So it looks the exact same to me. So that could be the smell that you smell.

So you got car washed? I did, yeah, a little bit. Just on the back. Wow. Yeah, it was the back windows. So, but yeah, I mean, obviously, and if I'm being quite honest, you don't need glasses. Really? You don't need glasses at all.

Really? I almost never say this. But you're familiar with the concept of 2020 vision, right? Well, sure. You see things that are 20 feet away as 20 feet away. Oh, I did not know that's what it meant, but I like it. That's what 2020 vision means. Your vision is more like 120.

Okay. Yes. Welcome to the bed and breakfast. Just so you know, our breakfast is at midnight, and our checkout time is at 11 a.m. We do have a saltwater pool, and will you be consummating the marriage today? Yes. my doctor and I are not married. This is an illicit affair. We've run from the office. We've run from the office. Because what started as a simple prescription for me to just get some progressive lenses has turned to love.

You look outside and they hit every telephone pole on the way there because you definitely needed glasses. We are going to have to charge you for that. Yeah. So we will need a credit card for incidentals. And by incidentals, I mean the whole facility. side of the building. We can use my credit card. Well, there is going to be a lot of come on the sheets, but we're going to leave a big tip. Thank you. A lot of cash. And I just say, you have Mustang eyes.

Oh, my father was a Mustang. I love that you said thank you to the come and not the money, too. There's going to be coming the sheets. Thank you. And we're going to leave money for it. Thanks. Sometimes a callback works, and sometimes it doesn't. And that might be one of the times where it didn't.

But, you know, I just, it's, you have to try it. You have to have fun with your friends. And Katie, Jim Crocey? My father was a Mustang? Jim Croce. Yeah. The car, by the way, not the horse. Jay, it was a tough game out there.

It was a hard game. How do you feel? You know, sometimes you just have to have fun with your friends out there. Sometimes. No care. Also, it's tough to play football when your dick so big. usually that's what gets in the way it's my big dick

I also love I love Holly's character at a shaman circle and staring out in the wilderness and being like oh a gray wolf and it's just like a stump or something like like clearly just 120 vision at work

I would like to see another scene actually is that crazy yeah please okay Katie you are a woman who wears glasses Holly I would love for you to play those glasses but you're getting a little old. Like the glasses are not working as well. And Katie, you're going to kind of let your

glasses down gently that you're going to have to buy a new pair. This slap machine, this slap machine seems a little grimy. Is it me? It might be you. It might be you. It's me. Yeah. But I just wanted to, I wanted to say how much I've appreciated all you've done for me and for the world, really, for for my world. Yeah. Yeah. It's been really helpful. Oh, it's nothing.

But you know how sometimes they put things out to pasture? Yeah. I mean, it always happens. Yeah, that's what happens to women over 40 in Hollywood. I've read all the articles. We've read those articles. And so let's think of you as a Julianne more type in that you're very pretty.

You're very pretty. Yeah. And you have, you will continue to have a purpose, but it's not going to be the same one that it was. We liked her in Big Lobowski, didn't we? That was thorough. That was fun. She's the one who taught us that if you want to get pregnant, you got to put your knees up after sex. Yep.

Yeah. She did teach us that. Yeah, you kind of kind of make it like your vagina is a runway and on a cliff's face. And, you know, it kind of has to like, so that the airplane can shoot right up there and land. Yeah. Julianne Moore has been in a lot of movies. A lot of movies. We've seen a lot of movies with her. And I think, you know, the thing about you, what you've always helped me do is not just see what's in front of me, but see what's going on beyond the Yeah. And I think you're going to really help someone else do that. Do you see what I'm saying?

Oh, like I'll become some like prop glasses maybe that get discarded in a green room, you know, get used in multiple sketch shows for years on in until the... How fun would that be? That would be really fun until the building sells and it becomes like a hotel block. And then, you know, what'll become of me? Well, here's the thing. You're a collective. Yeah. You're never alone because you're with, you know, your glasses.

You're plural. And so no matter where you go, you will have someone with you, which is, I guess, you. I've never talked to the other glass. Yeah. Well, the other glass has been mute since and sex. Remember inception? Since the movie We loved that movie

That was a scene Oh my God I had a pair of glasses In a sketch show And then I was watching another Sketch show two years later And I was like Those are my glasses

It's so Purple frame Yeah It's the fate of every green room Yeah Holly your vagina's the runway John Mayer It's right

That's an old deep cut And you bubble gum, tongue. That's what John Bear said. Where is he? He's been quiet. He's been too quiet. He's been really quiet. I don't love that.

Yeah. Check your around. If he gets quiet, we get nervous. Yeah, right? And I know he's listening, but I would rather be shy above than John Mayer. Yeah. Say that. And that's, I agree.

GPC, maybe you, if you, you would be a, you would be Jonah mayor. Like, what's a, Joanna mayor? Jonah. I go into the machine and it gives me the same gender and put a knockoff John Mayer. I'm looking what the fuck is wrong with the machine. You're definitely not in the right machine. It does seem like from the creators of Joanna Man and white girls like,

Joanna Mayer. Sir, sometimes the machine malfunctions if people try to have sex with the machine while they're in the machine. Did you try to have sex with the machine in the machine? I left a tip. That's all that matters. Katie and Holly, the podcast is soccer moms. You can get it anywhere you get podcasts.

I'm assuming. Every Tuesday there's a new app. Yeah. Very fun. Very cool. So yeah, please do listen to Soccer Moms. Do you two have anything else that you would like to plug at this time? You can follow us at BFF Soccer Moms on the Insta.

And yeah, stay tuned because we have some very fun guests coming up. Y'all three being three of them. Y'all three being three of them. And please don't forget, I know it's been out for a long time, but it won't hurt to watch Harley Quinn season five. Now streaming on HBO Max. It definitely won't hurt. It won't hurt anything. And maybe write letters and say things on the internet about how much you like it.

Yeah, that can't hurt. Adela Aaron, anything for you guys to plug? I got nothing. I got nothing. Yeah, I got nothing. Soccer moms. And Harlequin and Kite Man. Yeah, Kite Man.

And the idea and the idea of hot dogs. Oh, God. I hate the soundboard. Just me saying hot dogs. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan.

And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we going to laugh?

A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to That Was Us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.