Hey Riddle Riddle - #421: Jill Listener

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

We are back in person and we are having a god damn ball. Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay, you are caller number nine. Caller. Tell us your name and what song you want to hear. Okay, first time caller, long time listener. Thank you so much. I would love to... Honey, honey, honey, come on, please. Please ask for it.

Ask for it. I'm on the film radio. Call you're live. What's your name and what song? You want to hear her. The LMFAO. Ask for LMFAO. You know I love that.

I'm sorry, can you say that again, caller? Um, sorry, give me one second. Are you fucking kidding me? I love that song. Whoa, let's watch the language. I have a time to call in to this for four months to request happy birthday for myself on my birthday because I know no one else. What do you mean?

We don't have any other callers. Dale's just, there's not a single other caller we can switch to. For your birthday, didn't you just have a birthday? It's today. Okay. Okay. I got you.

LMFAAO's Party Rocket. Please don't let them request that. We just don't. It's the one song we don't have. Caller number nine. You are live on the air. I'm going to need that name. Hi, first time caller, long time listener.

We have established that. I need to know your name now. My name is Denise, I think. And I would like to say it's my birthday. And I would love to hear. Party anthem or whatever. I would love to hear L.M.F. Laughing my fucking ass off.

Oh, Denise. You are. Party rock anthem. Killing her. You said the phrase that pays. Denise, you have just won two tickets to see LMFAO's funeral tonight. Oh, yes. Denise!

Oh, my brother. That's four tickets. That's four tickets you got. Oh, my God. You keep saying the phrase that pays. You're going to an uncle and a nephew's funeral tonight. Laughing my fucking ass off died? They both died.

It was a... Don't say murder and suicide. Don't say murder suicide. Explosion. Explosion. I'm going to change this radio station to Hey, Riddler. This is not a radio station. This is your cousin, Jeff.

You know that new funeral you were looking for? You called me in the hospital because no one else in the field they will talk to me. Hi, welcome to Hey Rital Riddleruddle. I'm Aaron Keefe. That's JPC. That's Adel Rify over there. And that's Casey Tony, who will maybe hop on mic if we beg and beg and beg and beg. If we beg and plead.

And we're all in the same room together recording live and in person. Isn't that fun? That is fun. It feels so weird to just be like, oh, I could touch you both. And you shouldn't. Okay. If I sneeze, you would feel it. Or it's back to the computer with you.

We should say we went to computers not because of COVID. Because that whole. To end the great poking war. I have sort of doctors say I have Lenny disease where I love the buddies and I squeeze them too hard. All your friends are a little shorter than you. Timeout was not effective enough for us. anymore we had to go to computer timeout. It was either that or have me

look off in a distance, stand behind me and... Oh, people... Do people think that Aaron really moved to L.A.? Do they not get that that was a joke? Oh, no. You thought we were serious? Oh, sweetie.

Oh, sweetie. If we were a bit of classic literature, what book would we be? Ooh. Skin mag, hustler. Absolute jug magazine. Jugs. Absolute jugs magazine?

Absolute jugs magazine. So that's like what... Where the jugs are like... Sponsored by absolute vodka. Unrealistic, like, they're like seven foot three. I'm thinking of absolute badm. 0.001% of jugs. This is the platonic ideal of jugs.

Two G's? What, yeah. What, what magazine? Slaughterhouse five. What magazine, or magazine, yeah. Necronomicon. Necronomicon would be a good one. Classic.

That's on every... I remember when that popped up in the summer reading list. I was like, oh, wow. Can't wait to get scholastic book credit for reading the Necronomicon. We are probably YA or a children's book. Oh yeah, our show. Where the wild things are, but

like if you dropped it in Evada VLSD or something. With that Jugs magazine Rift up top? You got Jugs in my Marie Sendeck. You got Marie Sondack in my Jugs. It's so nice to be in person so you can see Aaron on her phone

in person. I'm, I'm looking at books that are two men. Just say you're reading a book. Oh yeah. And there are a lot of love triangles, which I don't feel like is our

vibe necessary. Not really. I wouldn't say we're like Wuthering Heights or Anna Karenina. No. I think we're a little bit like Anna Karenina. Oh, come on.

Aaron, how do you feel about friends to lovers as an archetype? Well, in real life, it's sort of the only way I do it. That's right. In media, I'm an enemies to lovers kind of gal. You're an enemies to lovers.

I love an end. Season two of Bridgeton, um, num, num, num, num, num, num num num. Pacey and Joey and Dawson's Creek and num num num num num num I love it. I love when they don't like each other. I think

I guess I don't really mind an enemies to lovers thing but I think what I would love to see even more was something that was set up like an enemy to lovers where they just never it's just enemies to enemies like remain enemies send help. Well put them in all these intimate moments together

where they have the opportunity but it's like no they hate each other let's just let them hate each other why would they fall in love? They hate each other other. I wasn't fucking with you. They weren't wrong. They know that they don't like each other. They don't like each other. What do you want? Why are you trying to make this happen, weirdo? I'm reading a book right now where, and I'm not a big fan of the archetype. And so I'm reading a book right now where I can, that's just where it's going. I can see it going there the whole time.

Friends to lovers or enemies to lovers? And I'm like really ready for them to fuck fucking twist the knife. No, I want them to twist the knife and go the other way that I know they're not going to do. I know because like so much stuff I feel. feel like is enemies to lovers. Like, that's just like, yeah. I think it's very popular right now. And is this like Reacher and Nagel or who's the? I, dude, I'm so mad that I'm done reading Reachers. Oh, yeah, are you finished? I finished them. I'm, I'm all, I'm all done with Reachers. Yeah. When are you going to write your fanfic? I have, I have. You have? I know, it's not done. So, no, I will, it's, it's, it's one of those things where it's like, whenever you're working on a project, I don't even like talking about it until it's like, until it's, you know, ready, ready for public consumption. But I've got a little bit of it written. And it's going to, there's

going to be some rewriting processes. Okay. Well, a piece of paper, felled, a piece of pocket. Arms like eggs in saran wrap. Can I tell you? That's the most exciting part of the entire project. Physical description is the physical description of Reacher. Yeah. But I'm also doing a thing. If you die before it comes out, we're going to say we found it on your desk and that you wrote it in earnest. Yes. We'll let Brandon Sanderson finish it. I will say that I have a lot of decisions that I had to make about that Reacher fanfic that I'm writing.

And one of the most important ones is that I am writing Jack Reacher from like the 90s. I'm not writing old man Jack Reacher, which is what they do now. And it's very weird because he would be like 65 years old. And it's like, hey, man, this guy's not beating people up. Like, he's not, 65 years old. Like, I'm writing a Reacher in his prime when I write my Reacher. Is old Reacher still like hooking up with? Yes, Casey.

I can't even get into it because it's not even written by the guy anymore. It's written by his brother. And it's like he's both, he's, it's both set in the modern. time, but then they're like kind of like back off of anything about Reacher's age, but they'll also be like, Richard doesn't know how to use a cell phone. You're like, you can't, at this point, cell phones have been around for 35 years. Like, you can't not have cell phones, Richard. Like, you need to like know this stuff. So it's like, it's a mix. It's a weird mix. Aaron, what's the female equivalent of Reacher that scratches that it? Like, what's the? Um, let's see. We're like, for guys,

It's like a big guy. Jill Listener. What's the name of the character? A woman who just wants to, yeah. And she asks questions with like, you know, you say something to her. She has follow-up questions. Jill Listener is awesome. She travels with everything.

She's in a monogamous relationship. The biggest fucking purse you've ever seen on Jill listener. Her arms aren't big. Her purse is big and she's got snacks. She gets arrested in her like, chief. We found 40 forms of ID, 10 pieces of mail. She's prepared. I think what's Angela Lansberg's character and murder she wrote?

I thought her name was like Jessica Murder. Yeah, that's her. She's my Jack Reacher. Jessica. Isn't it Jessica something? No. That sounds right. What is her name?

We watched an episode of this. No, we didn't. Yes, we did. We watched. When? In 2016? Five years ago? 2016.

Yeah, pre-show. I don't remember it. I don't remember that at all. Well, you don't want me Googling. I remember there's like a woman jogging. Eric said that with the state of like, yeah, I don't want you on your phone. Yes, correct. But why can't I Google a book?

I'll Google. Why can't I just be Googling books here? There's like a woman jogging. I remember in the episode we watched. Then there's, I believe there's some sort of murder. Here we go. This must have been back when we were doing review crew when I was just telling you guys I was watching the shit. And I...

You're the worst. Oh. I should spit out all of the food to do like you did with the orange soda. Recherton. Is that anything? Recherton. Richardon. And Aaron could Recherton be anything.

Where they all just fight each other for each other's hands. Give me four days. Walk me in a room for four days with a typewriter. There's an enormous bodybuilder type guy in the 1800s folding someone in half and stuffing them in the back of a horse. Hey, I'll tell you, the back of a horse, that's the butt. You're talking about it. I'm sorry, sir, in the 1800, do we say back of a horse? Not how I do it.

You say stuff at someone at the back of a horse, only one mental image comes to Biden and it ain't pretty. Jessica Fletcher. Jessica Fletcher. I was close. Yeah, there was an E in there. Aaron, what parts of Jack Reacher appeal to your brain and your soul? I was actually shocked how much I was.

actually shocked how much I loved the TV show. It was so over the top and silly and just so for dads to watch that it really made me laugh. But I wouldn't mind him picking me up like a firefighter and throwing me over his shoulder. That part of it appeals to me, I guess. Yeah, even if like, I hate to bother a celebrity, they're just out there living their lives. But if I ever ran into Alan Richardson, I'd be like, hey, could you pick me up? Yeah, I'd want him to maybe, I'd ask him to maybe scoop me. I would say, hey, take a look at that lady over there. She's obviously very sick.

Could you just... Are you talking about me? No, I said lady. Okay. All right, but you're not talking about me? No, no, no. If I saw him, I'd run out in the middle of street and go, you need to slow down. Oh, yeah.

You need to slow down. I'd push him right in the chest and I'd be like, are you tough? I'd be taking you. I'd take you. I'm a Republican, bitch. He'd punch me so hard. My eyes changed color. Then I'd go, okay.

Hey, what do we do it? It's a draw. It's a draw, I guess. No, I would do a gimley toss me for sure. I would have him toss me for sure. Would you say it like Gimley? Yeah, I'd say, toss me. Tosh me.

Yeah. Men love when you say stuff like that. Men love when you say, tell me what your elf eyes see. Yeah, they love stuff like that. You getting hit by Jack Reacher, your eyes changing color at me saying, Adel, tell me what you're at all eyes seeing. Men love when you say. Nothing.

And I shall die as one of them. Looks like love is back on the menu, boys. See, that's a happy compromise, I feel like. Yeah. If you could be a worm tongue for any, like, one person in the world, who would you be worm tongue? Because, by the way, every time I see that man, or every time I watch that movie and Warm Tong comes on, I'm like, I know he's a bad guy.

I know he's eventually going to lose. but God, is he having the fucking time of his life? He's the best of what he does. Please never say who would you worm tongue again, but... You'll know how to hear. If you whisper it real slow. If you never had to take a shower again in your entire life and you could instead just whisper it to someone's ears, that would be the dream. Well, who do I want to sit next to is ultimately what it is?

Yeah. And who would you want to like, because not only is he getting everything he wants, but he's fucking up someone's life to do it too, right? He's draining Theodin King. Yeah. The Pope? Oh, yeah, Aaron, you famously hate the Pope. Warm tongue in the Pope. Can that be new merch, like a bumper sticker?

I'd say maybe Malkovich. I would wormtong J.D. Vance. I would love to see, like, J.D. Vance, drained of all the lights. Isn't that kind of a hat on a hat? Whatever makes sense. Ask him how long he's worked in this donut shop. He said 14 years, say very good. A wise choice, my leash.

I think Big Tech kind of beat you to the punch to wormtonged Jaddy Vance. I think there's several very normal kind of guys. My lord, do a jump and try to make an X with your body, my lord. My lord, you are excited. Give a normal scream. Yes, very good, Howard Dean. My lord, show everyone that charisma you're known for. Yes, very good, Mr. Vand.

My lord, this is just a normal person at work. Carry a sink in as you walk in and then say, let that sink in, my lord. More eye liner, Mr. Vance. see their reaction. You should beg Jeffrey Epstein to let you join the party, my liege. They didn't invite you.

They doubt you, my liege. They don't believe you're as big of a pedophile as there. You should become a Catholic, my liege. I know you're 35, but as you've married an Indian woman, but become a Catholic.

And talk about it all the time. Kill the pope, my lord. Kill the pope, my lord. touch him on the hand. Very good. Much like Dennis Hayspert did in the second season of 24, you have some sort of invisible glove on that infiltrates the bloodstream. Be such a bummer that you killed the Pope, Mr. Vant.

Very good. The problem with J.D. Vance... And there's only one. Truly, my big problem with J.D. Vance is that I'm not scared of him even a little bit. And I know I should be. Like, I know everything that he represents is, like, evil and will end up destroying the world. but like him as a man as a person, it's just so hard to take him seriously at all. And I hope it's one of those things where it's like after Trump dies and J.D. is like, I'm there

a parent. Like there's one week and then all the gas drains out of him. People were like, no, I'm sorry. Looking at you now. Trump has it. Say what you will about him. He's a fucking awful. But like he's got that like old queenie New York like Riz that like like he just he does. And Vance is obviously like a sex symbol and that's really nice. He's so hot. He's a sex symbol. Yeah. He's wearing makeup.

Yeah. I mean, the, yeah. Look, I don't want to kinksham anybody, but I can't imagine the type of person that finds J.D. Vance attractive. I don't want to kinkshame anyone. Lola? Midsong. Wow. That's awesome.

Take that, Ray Davies. So, everybody. Okay. Hold on. Let me ask. I forbade Riley to listen to Hey Riddle Riddle. He's not allowed to. What's why?

What the fuck? For several different reasons. Is it because it's too, it's too parisocial? Like you don't, you don't want him getting a peek into all the things going on inside of your mind that you let, you know, unfiltered onto the podcast? Yeah. That's for our listeners. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

That's not. But also, my- You use too much dirty language. That's true. I don't want him to know, I swear. I have some very sweet friends that listen to the show And I do think that they reach out and talk to me less Because of the show

They are getting their fill of time with me And I'm not getting to hang out with them And so and then also if I see friends They're like, I already know about that I already know about that like these life events That I'm like I would rather Riley not be tired of me Got it When he sees me

I feel like Instagram did that too Where someone posts a bunch about vacation and then you're just like, well, I know about their vacation. Yeah, because I don't have to talk to them about it. That makes sense. But he, before we did a recording, he was like, are you Mr. Riddles today? Like, he guessed like four different things for old man puzzles. And I was like, oh.

That shows also that he like is interested, but he obviously like respects the fact that he's not allowed to listen. Or at least a fucking genius where he's like, I listen every week. Obviously, I can't let her know I listen every week. So I have to call it like Mr. Puzzles or some shit. Yeah, yeah. So she thinks that like move 40 chess on Riley. Okay. I've seen, I can't remember who it was.

I can't remember if it was like years ago watching like one episode of like Bill Maher or something where it was like a host I don't usually watch because I don't enjoy them. But they had some who's like name like the biggest celebrity you can think of. Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld. So it'd be like he was interviewing Jerry Seinfeld and he was like, so you have that show. signfold or what's a way what is like boy you could tell the gears of like let me fuck up the title of it yeah just to let you know right that I'm not familiar yeah yeah yeah so it could be a genius move not in the negative way but in a way of like I listen and I love the show but let me

be like what is it mr riddles this is a really good point yeah yeah I'm going I'm mentioning going home and being like hey Mariah I think I'm gonna forbid you from listening to hey riddle riddle she'd be like what you're like the forbidding The forbidding that. The show that I listened to three episodes of in 2017, that's the one I can't listen to anymore? Oh, no. Also, it's just hitting my brain.

Did we just say the biggest celebrity on Earth that we could think of is Seinfeld? Yeah. The GPC said that. I was about to say Tom Cruise, which makes way more sense. Tom Cruise is interesting. I've never heard of him. What does he do?

What's he from? He's pretty small. Mission Impeasable? I don't know. Bigger than Seinfeld? Bigger than Seinfeld? I think when Riley and I first started seeing each other, he was listening to some episodes. And that not freaked me out because I was like, no, I'm weird on there.

I want you to like me. Get out of there. I'm weird on there. Do you feel like you play a character? Yes. On the show, Erin? Yes. I think I'm actually very intelligent and not accident-proned in real life.

And this is sort of a... This is how we're talking real life. And I'm very fancy and medium top of things. And here I'm like, oh my God. I can't get my shit together. Oh, like, Amoli. Now, Aaron, you have said, canonically. if you ever get married, you would wrap your vows?

Yeah, I will. I'll wrap them in wrapping paper, and then I will unwrap them, and then I will read them, and they will not rhyme. And they will not rhyme. No, I actually, if I do get married, I either have to do my vows in private

or I'm going to have to ask you guys to turn off your screen, close your eyes. Interpretive dance to your vows? I actually don't know if you guys can go to my wedding. I think that I would immediately have the giggles. Watching you, like, sit there, politely. That's way too much. We'd have to bring a recording equipment. It has to be content. Do you want to practice it right now? My vows? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Everybody turn up your cameras.

Wait, we're in person. Fuck. Casey's trying to play the rat beat right now. So loud. I never thought I'd object at my own wedding. But, uh, wait, right, right, I'm just sweating. Hold on. Okay, wait, wow. Okay. Okay. Here we go. I'm going to start reading my vows. I'm going to start reading them now. I forget who I'm marrying, and I'm burying them with a shovel.

I'm going to kill them with these vows. They're going to be way better than yours. Riley's parents turning to each other like, what? Turn it off, turn it off. Enough. What is he talking about it? I just wanted to prove that you're not. safe even here in person.

No, I'm not safe anywhere. Okay. I've never felt safe in my entire life. That's my secret cap. Hey, everybody, JPC here. And I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants.

I love restauranteurring. I love going out to eat. But a lot of times because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up. I don't like to put on airs.

So I do eat out a lot of restaurants wearing a potato sack with armholes cut out. And not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack if I remember. But recently, I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to talk about this. So I went to Quince because Quince is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials built to last and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day.

And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes. Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra-soft organic cotton teas and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile, timeless, and transitioned seamlessly from casual workday to dinner out. I love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity.

I am so excited for fall because I will get to fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks, and they are scratchy and uncomfortable, and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quince has priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing quince has become my go-to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and travel must-haves.

Now, I know I said they have premium cookware, potato sacks are not cookware. I know it's because you cook and you wear it, but potato sacks are not something. You are not fine potato sacks at Quince. Do not even look. So upgrade your every day. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle.

And do not mention that you used to wear potato sacks to anyone ever. You guys, I have a real life example about how good Helix Sleep is. Okay. Erin, you had me at you had a real life. I am so happy for you. My dear friend texted me saying, what brand is your mattress again? I love your mattress. And I said, it's Helix Sleep, baby.

I got the Midnight Lux. And then she said, can you send me a code? Because she's about to move and she needs a new mattress and she's about to have a luxurious helix sleep mattress. I'm very excited for her. Because also, when I go to Chicago, I stay with her. and now I don't have to be too far from a midnight lux in any given moment. Aaron, that is money in the bank, never being too far from a midnight lux. I have one of those trackers that I got installed, like what you put in pets,

that things every time I'm close to a midnight lux so that I can just kind of hop on and have a little sleep. Huh. Helix doesn't sell that guy, so that's third party. But what Helix does do is they offer free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S. Plus they have 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty, and the happy with Helix guarantee you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges, and the happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk-free customer-first experience to

make sure that you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired, and me, Aaron Keefe, who loves my Helix sleep mattress. And right now, you can get a Helix sleep mattress just like Aaron's, and I'm doing big, air quotes, friend that definitely exists. Shelby, her name's Shelby, she's real. Sure, I can make up name. names too.

Schnell. Schnellby? Shelby. She's just Shelby with an name. Go to the Helixleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day early access sale. That is 20% off site wide. That's Helix sleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day Early Access sale that is running until August 13th, 20% off site wide. Helixleep.com slash riddle.

Schnellby. Shnellby. Come to bed, Schnellby. Come to bed, Schnellby Just Schnellby with an end Hi, I'm Beck Bennett I thought I was Beck Bennett No, no, no, no

I'm Kyle Mooney Sorry about that Exactly, no, all good, all good Thanks buddy Yeah, and we host the show What's our podcast here on Headgum This podcast is brought to you by Square Spang

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I like that it's all in one place. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like different stores or something. It's just all in my website. Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload the, like, it's all in one place.

The video or like, no, it makes it easy on me, please. Yeah, so you can do all those. things, photos, videos, changing fonts. You know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and they're custom domains. Oh, what's come up with a domain right now. Let's see.

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Anyway, so check out Squarespace.com slash Edgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum, save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it. I have some warm-up riddles. Okay. These are from Will Parsons. Thank you, Will.

Who is a self-described tired dad. So these are some pinks from a tired dad's brain. and I thought that maybe would speak to you. Yeah, I have one of those brains. Constantly tired, constantly dad. I have one of those brains. Can you milk me? I thought I 100% thought you were going to say that.

I should have. That's a classic tired dad thing to say. Hey, I got a question for you before we get into Will Persons Riddles or whatever. Do you think that that line is going to be in Focker-in-law? What's it called? Focker-in-law. Focker, damn near a killed her. I think it will be.

Jesus. Is it, is it, Hey, can someone, Aaron, can you look this up when you're Googling shit? Can you look up at it? I'm not Googling shit. I pulled up riddles.

I think it will be. I think it will be, but I think it will be Ariana Grande's character. Yeah. And I think she'll say something akin to that where she'll be like, fuck her in love.

I have something, like, she'll say something very similar to that. And then De Niro's character will be like, I like her. Yeah. I like her. Yeah. I saw the preview.

De Niro, I'm not familiar with that. Who is that? Robert Dinerro. I saw the preview for the new. for the new Fokker movie. It feels like it's been 20 years since the last Fawker movie. It's been a minute, yeah.

And it just felt like, I was, I was just wondering, like, who's the nostalgia hit of this for? Because I'm like, I think I was the right age when Meet the Parents came out that I was like, oh, this is a, and Meet the Parents, I think is a fun movie. It's got some fun gags in it.

Yes. But they're like, how do we refresh this thing? We got to get Ariana Grande in there. We got to get Ariana Grande in there. It doesn't, it doesn't feel right to me. Yes. Yeah. It just feels like, I mean, at this point, I hate to say it.

I'd almost prefer a remake. Yeah, yeah. Just remake it or something. Or have it be like Stillers now the dad and his kids or whatever that is. Which is kind of what it is, but it's like, it's still Stiller, it's still Robert De Niro and it's, yeah, it seems strange. Dustin Hoffman and Bet Midler? How are they getting these people? No, those were in the other one, right?

Because those are his parents, not her parents. The Focker universe. I mean, we really, we got to dig into it one day because it's delightful. I want them to start doing like timeline shifts like Avengers. Like I want the rules of the Fokker. Meet the Fokers by Earth 30, 44 or something. You want Thor to show up 45 minutes into Fokker and law and just chain. Now that.

And the crowd cheers. Honestly. And it just changes what the movie's about. It's not about family squabbles anymore. That's not important because there's like a Cree invasion. And now Thor is just there being like, it's still about them. But they're just like all they're dealing with is like, yeah, I guess there's Cree everywhere. It's like the raid.

It's meat the fuckers, but the snap happened. So half of them were disintegrated. Yeah, if 50 minutes into Fokker-in-law, Robert De Niro just feeds into dust. Yes, some video effects house just recut these movies, but the dust first De Niro out of it, 15 minutes in. Just let the rest of the movie. Stiller's holding him like Iron Man holds Spider-Man.

It's like, I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I love listening to those Hey Riddell Riddle episodes post-Snap, because I'm gone and it's like nice to hear what the dynamic is, just the two of you. Yeah. Okay.

Eric comes back and we're somehow 30 years older. And I look incredible. Aaron, you're still in high school? How did that happen? These are from Will Parsons. These are hinkpinks. These are warmups. And here we go.

Okay. Hell yeah. Frozen treasure. I have frozen treasure, Greg. Ice chest. No, these are rhyming. Frozen treasure. Hink pink.

Frozen treasure. Ice. Ice. Cold gold. Gold gold. Nice. This is my favorite type of pretzels. Crestation gangster.

Crabb rabbi. Aaron. Aaron, you got to get married by a crab eye. Okay. Life moves sideways. Life moves sideways is awesome. Crab gangster? Crestation.

Lobster. Monster. Yes, I would like to see a scene. Adel, you are a Yeah. You are a lobster in one of those tanks at like the grocery store or a restaurant and you're like a mob boss and you're throwing your weight around the tank. What do we got? Who do we got left? Who do we got left? Oh, Timmy tiny legs. Hey, Timmy tiny legs. Come here. Come here. Come here. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on. Boss. We all got tiny legs. We barely need them. Timmy, but you got much smaller. You got much smaller legs. Timmy tiny legs. Yeah, yeah. Hey, you got my, you got my money?

Um, you mean your sand dollars? Yeah, my sandalas. And don't forget the Vig was a 15%. 15%. I can't crack a sand dollar. I got tiny legs. Oh, it's a shame I'm going to have to break these tiny legs. Hey, um...

Here we go. Hey, Shelby, give me a tiny hammer. Yeah, okay, I'll get you a tiny hammer. Are you going to do it to make this lobster sleep with the fishes? Well, no, he's going to... Awake with the humans? Oh, on a place. played in a roll, I bet.

Yeah, that's right, that's right. Are you banging a waitress here? I'll be back with that hammer, boss. Thank you, you, Tuts. She puts her butt in the water, I smack it. Oh, a pinch. I love that kind of thing. How'd you teach you how to speak crab, boss?

She speaks crab like I'd never heard no human speak crab before. Would it blow your mind to know she did before she met me? Oh, boss, that's a red flag. That means you're not the first crab she's been. with. What? That beats you not the first crab she's been with. Oh, no. Oh, boss. Baby, I got a boiling pot of water just for you. Just say the word and I'll put a minute and then I'll listen to him scream. Shelby, um, I met you through my dad. You and my dad never, uh, oh, uh, the more powerful lobster before you, we never, uh, what? Never, you know, you and him never rolled

in the wet hay, swam in the wet hay. Swam in the wet hay. Listen, when you're a woman like me, you're attracted to the most powerful lobster in the room. Human men are bad and getting worse. You take what you can get. A lobster that can pinch, yeah. Shelby, girl, you have to set me up with one of these lobsters from your work. There are no good men left in New York City. You're telling me about it.

They're fully eating lobster See Caracking and sucking lobster while talking about them Oh brother Call us HBO We have no good ideas Um Verbo

If that showed up on HBO Like a show that was just that in like three years What would we even do? We'd have no recourse. We'd be like, yeah, I guess. I text to everyone I know and go, you got to watch it. I would be a fan. It would be hard.

It would be a hard thing to swallow, but I would be a fan. Yeah, I would as well. It's like when the rehearsal showed up on HBO? No, it's HBO, right? Yeah, I think so. Where I was just like, this is the weirdest, most fun thing I've ever seen. And I was just like, everyone needs to watch this. I don't know what it is or how to describe it, but everyone should watch this.

Oh, it's so good. I thought you were saying that like we had done something on the show that was like the rehearsal. I'm like, I don't think we have. Did we do a scene that? was the rehearsal. The rehearsal, the chair company, like all those shows where it's just like, I don't know what this is, but I'm on board for it. Yeah, women dating lopsters. You've done a lot of scenes as pilots, like the second season. We have done a lot of scenes as pilots. Pilots, Santa, we have a, we have a type. If there was any way that we had done a scene that was

something like what happens in episode six of Sugar season one, I would be. Stop it. I would be on cloud. You are not allowed to talk about it. I just briefly what to say. I did send, I asked GPC over text, I said, are you watching the new season of Sugar? And he goes, no, I just watched the first two minutes of the first episode of season two. And I sent him a screenshot from episode five of season two. And it's just Colin Farrell in a tuxedo shrugging. And literally the subtitle, because it's what he said, is I've never had a cheeseburger. And I'm like, this is where they're at storywise.

Yeah. The fact that this is a plot point. A plot point of Sugar Season 2 is he's never had a cheeseburger. I did text Adel, too, because I was starting to watch a little bit of Sugar season 2, Aaron. And I watched episode two or something. And I was like, holy shit, episode two. What an ending. I'm in on Sugar now.

I've only seen two episodes. I only watch it once every three weeks. But when I watch an episode of Sugar, I'm in. I'm in love. Absolutely not. Aaron wants no part in us talking about sugar. Men are bad and getting worse. But Aaron, Sugar's not even a man.

I won't say anymore. Oh, my God. Won't say anymore. Verbose avian. Verbose avian. Wordy birdie. Wordy birdie. A wordy birdie.

Sharp shooting force user. Sharpie, Jedi, Sharpie. Dead eye, Jedi. Dead eye, Jedi. Dead eye Jedi. Hungry whittling. Not going to say that joke. Hungry whittling?

Like the thing you do with like a... Starve-carve. Starved carve. Yeah, starving carving. Starving carving. Starver Carver. Comedic Currency. Funny money. Funny money. Wow. That's nice.

These are good. They get my brain going. They get the brain juices moving. It's like watching Celebrity Jeopardy where you're like, I know all these answers. I'd actually like, I'm going to go back a few. Is that crazy? Can I possibly be smarter than Colin Quinn? In my whole life I've never thought that, but today? Let's climb back down the ladder of the episode. We're going to go back to wordy birdie. Yeah.

And Adel, we're going to have you play GBC's parrot. And GPC, I'm going to be a guest at your house. And you are getting annoyed at how much your bird is talking and telling me about you. Got it. Yeah. So this whole closet is just toiletries, anything else, like towels, obviously. But if you forgot like toothbrush or something, these bends down here. Thank you so much for letting me stay.

Clean it up before you got here. Scramble to clean. Yeah. I forgot. you had a bird. That is so fun. Well, it's not really even mine. It's my, because they live forever. So, yeah, when my dad passed, I

kind of got his, his parrot. Didn't pass, moved away. Won't talk to him. That's not. Because of his porn. That was true for a certain... Who's porn? Yours or his? My dad's porn. His porn. It's my porn. Yes. That was true to a certain

time, but he did pass away. He passed away. He passed away. He's telling on you. He is a little bit, yeah. So twig trees are in here, and then I just would, like, love. to take a shower. Sure. Yeah. Again, thank you so much

for letting me stay at short notice. Honestly, like your whole situation with like Doug it's like so, you know, fucked up,

but please, you know. And thank you for being on my side for that. Like, I just really appreciate everyone sort of turning on Doug.

Like, making a move. He's been waiting. Waiting. Biting his time. He loves how I met your mother. Feels it similar. Who doesn't love how I was your mother,

right? You love it? No, that was, yes. I do. Doug loves how I met your mother. Every man does. Have you talked to Doug?

Have you seen Doug? Oh, I haven't talked to Doug in, like, it must be months that I haven't talked to. Earlier today. So today I did have a call with him. Doug. In person meeting. So, to arrange an in person meeting, yes. So.

You saw Doug this morning? I did. Doug is not here. Doug just left. Doug left a little bit ago. If you ran, you could catch him. Doug was dropping off some of your stuff that I said, Doug. I think she needs the stuff, but I don't want to.

You hear. No, he does know you're here, yes. He does know you're here. He does know you're here. He does know you here. He's the one that cheated. I don't understand why anyone would take his side. Like, why are we humoring him? Come on, man. I'm not humoring him and I'm not taking aside. He's a cheater.

He's a whole time. He is a comedian. You know this. Doug's still funny. He cheated, but that doesn't make him not funny anymore. Yeah, tail as old as time. Cheating comedian. Yes. Okay, very cool, very fun. He's funny, so we forgive it. I do not forgive Doug. I would never forgive Doug. Literally said I forgive you. That was. Laminated car.

In context... You wrote him a card saying you forgave him? I was giving out laminated cards as part of my sobriety journey. Still drinking. And I am still drinking. And I want it. It's a journey. You know what?

I'm just going to grab my bag. I'm not just going to stay somewhere else. I can't even believe it. If you and Doug are so close, I should get the apartment and he should have to stay here. Fine. Don't stay here. But like, please, I set this whole thing up. You at least take a shower here because, you know, I want you to be able to go out clean

into the world. Like, fuck Doug in the shower earlier. So what has? happened in the shower. Awesome. The immediate pivot to justify to be like, listen. There's so, it's also so funny to be so far into that and not deal with the bird at all,

not trying to silence the bird, just be like, look, I can't with this bird. Whatever he says, I'm going to have to respond to, but I can't, what am I going to do, hit a bird? No. It's like the odd couple, but a bird, I'm charred. It is crazy that those parents live so long that, I have a friend who has parents that have a bird,

and they have talked about the anxiety of like, if something, their parents are older. If their parents die before the bird dies, they're like, I guess I'll have to be a guy who owns a bird, and I don't want to own a bird. And I'm like,

yeah, like, they just live forever. Bert, like, especially parrots, I think, like Amazon grays and stuff, I feel like live quite a while. Perots and like tortoises.

I'm like, you buy a tortoise. That is, that is a generational commitment. There's also a thing. I, you know, I don't want to be ageist. But when you see it, here we go. Here we go. I will be.

And I have to be. I see it all the time walking. There's a guy in my neighborhood, a very old man who just lets his dog out off leash in front of his house. And his dog is not well trained. And this is an old man with mobility issues. And I just don't understand why he has a dog. I don't understand.

Like, in my mind, I'm like, okay, maybe like someone, he inherited this dog. Maybe he didn't want this dog. Maybe it's just like someone else couldn't take care of it. And he had a house or something. But the dog comes at my dog sometimes when we're walking. We have to cross the street. I'm playing a montage in my head of how much they mean to each other, him and this dog. I'm having a hard time.

It doesn't feel. It doesn't feel like they mean a lot to each other. That's sad. But it's just like I don't love seeing when a very old person has an animal that they can't take care of. I'm like, it feels like a weird decision to be like, I'm 78. What about a puppy? Yeah. I'm like, are you sure?

You got the energy for that, Chief? In our ideal world, we'd be walking dogs for the elderly so they can have this animal companionship. In my ideal world, the dogs, I would be turning the dogs on the elderly. I'd be taking the collar off and I'd be like, Schnell, you know, like go feast. Do you just watch Kickass 2? You know what I've been doing that it actually ended up working? It's funny. It's a classic dog training stuff.

It started as a joke and now it's real. To get Lou to sort of go after someone, I've been saying Dr. Carus and now she will go and start like licking them and go and like jump on them, which is like the opposite of what I've been training her to do her whole life is to not do that to people. But everyone's a while just funny to do that to Riley. If she's near Riley and he'd be like, don't. I'm like, Dracarus. Sometimes it is funny to teach your dog a thing that you shouldn't teach them. Unfortunately, it can be funny to do that. What's the, is it stand by me, sick balls? Is that there's some, oh yeah. There's some like junkyard dog where it's like,

We heard that old man Willikers taught them to sick balls or whatever. We don't have to dive into this. Did you ever see Green Room, the horror film Green Room? The best winning picture. No, that's... That's... I honestly got Green Book and Green Book. Green Book.

You like talk to people and you're like, oh my God, Green Book. Green Book was so good. People loved Green Room, though. And people like, Green Book was so good. I'm like, yeah, Patrick Stewart, Nazis. Driving a musician around the South? Green Room is good, but they have like scary Nazi dogs that attack people. That's right.

That's right. Yeah. That is a good movie. Yeah, green room. Watch green room. We did this one, right? Comedic Currency. Yeah, fun money.

No, we didn't do it. I just got it really fast. Monster Academy. Well, that's where Monster University, of course, was... Boole school. Is it ghoul school? Gool school. I do want to see a scene.

I said boole school. Which is nothing. It makes no sense. Slam. Smash. I like to see a scene. Aaron and JPC, this is your freshman, your first day as a freshman at ghoul school and the two of you are moving into your dorms first kind of meeting each other as

roommates yeah so anyways my dad is an under the bed monster um and my mom's a karen so i really have like i think a lot of natural skill yeah that's awesome yeah that's that's that's that's really cool what's your background um you know like we're a we're mummies we're mummies we're mummies like My family's mummies. Piss ghost. He's a Piss ghost. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who said that?

Who said that? Oh, this is a bird monster. That's a bird monster. Can't why? Always tell us the truth. So, what did I say? Piss ghost? Yeah.

So my family's pissed ghosts. Wait, are you one of those mummies where it's used, it's used toilet paper? Yeah. So that's, people don't know this, but a lot of mummies is toilet paper in the modern age. It used to be mummies were just like bandages, obviously. But yeah. Yeah. So I am a mummy, but like...

You're a toilet monster. Well, am I a toilet monster? Yeah, but that could be like kind of the scariest type of monster, too. Like, you're the most vulnerable when... Hey, man. We're going to get along great here. Hey, that bird really shut the fuck up, huh? I'm going to be a good roommate or whatever.

Yeah. He flew away. The bird flew away. Oh, good. Ooh, okay, yeah. But I'm... I can't really protect you, like, at school. You're kind of on your own.

I'm probably going to be, like, really popular. And to have, like, a little piss monster. Yeah. So, no. It's pissed ghost, but it's just mummy now. because kind of like college is an opportunity to reinvent yourself, right? So it's like... Yeah.

I can't help with that, though. Like, when you see me around campus, like, I can't acknowledge you. For sure. We cut to the second day. Whoa, Piscos, you're fucking amazing. You're like a mommy, but with toilet paper. You, honestly, me and every sorority on campus and fraternity, we voted you king of the school.

That's actually my roommate. Huh? That's my roommate. Okay. I'm a, I'm a monster to the carrot. I'm a mom. Haircut? Under the bed-ass bitch?

I don't. I don't know this fucking fugly-ass monster. What? I'm your roommate, man. Looks like a fucking under the bed monster. You know what I'm saying? Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug blood. Chug blood. Chug blood. Chug blood. See?

That bird's going to show up in every scene I do. Uh-huh. Every seat. I welcome to Jambuji's. How can I help you? not a jambidjus um it's just a trump bird

it's not a jambu Obama A lot of people are saying Like you've never seen I will In my defense As JPC was starting his seed His character was floundering

To come up with what he was And he looked at me And I was like I think he might be asking for the bird I think he might be asking for the bird I think he might be asking So I was like let me do it Once or twice

And then immediately back off If he was asking for the bird, he'd go, ah, ha, ha, ah, and put his finger out like a Disney princess. To a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail. Oh, I know what this guy needs. He does the bird. My guy can't go without the bird. Is that a saying? Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. And there's crude aversions. Let's take a break, and then we're going to come back with some more of Will Parsons, hinkpinks, and then we're going to do something else. Okay. Well, same thing. We're not going to change. All right, we are back from break. We drowned that bird in the bath.

It took a while. I kind of do miss the bird. I wasn't asking for it, but maybe now I'm thinking, I was. All right. I'll reanimate the bird. Because I need it. Here are more of Will's hinkpinks. More of these?

God damn, Will. I'm just kidding. He did this with his tired dad brain. Will is using his tired dad brain for something good. I don't believe that I've put my tired dad brain to like a good use yet. Like writing a Hank Pink. I guess I've been writing a Jack Reacher novella. So maybe it's all just shades of gray.

Maybe it's all just shades of gray. But this is a great use of your dad brain. Thank you. Thank you, Will. Fashionable sheep. Fashionable sheep. Koo, you. Okay, I'll accept it.

It's not correct. Sounds French. Cool school. Cue you. Cium. Close. Is it? Fashionable.

Glam ram. Yeah, glam ram. Yeah. Piercing crossroads. Piercing crossroads. Crossroads. Brittany Spears. Robert Johnson.

Piercing crossroads. Is that like piercing like a shriek or like an ear? Like a sharp? Okay. Okay, so a prick. Here's stick. What's crossroads? What's another word for crossroads?

Intersection, but that's a big answer. No, it's two syllables. It's a two syllable. Both of them are two syllables. Crossroads. This one's harder. Crossing. Oh, guy, can I get a hint on crossroads?

Like, think of when you're, this is a hint for the first word. Okay. That's not what I asked for. I know, but this is the one that I can think of. Okay. Think of, like, medically something sharp. Needle. But what would you call?

Needle straddle. Oh, the freaking jab. No, like, yeah, but like what that, the act, like, what is that? Shot. Shot. It's a... It's a... It's a rind.

Pacture. Punchure. Pungure can juncture. Puncture. Juncture. Yeah. Pungure juncture. What's your function?

Yeah. You guys got it. Pungure juncture. Agreeable ribbing. Agreeable ribbing. Condom flambb. Condum flondum. Condom flondum.

What's in this? I'm eating a what? A cooked condom. Agreeable. Have you heard of baked Alaska? It's that but with a condom. It's baked Alaska but a condom. Roast?

No. Agreeable ribbing? I'd love to tell you about today's specials. Tonight's special is a condom. It is flambayed. It is absolutely horrible to eat. Babe, what do you think? I have a second to them. I could do dessert. Or we could walk and get ice cream? Oh, we have ice cream. Are you familiar with gelato? Yes. Jolato is ice cream with a higher percentage of milk fat. What we have is a wet condom. Why describe gelato? Higher percentage of milk fat. You got my mouth ready for gelato. Well, since your mouth is ready, and I interest you in a loose, dry.

condom. If everyone's done with dinner, it's maybe kind of, I want to say Appertif. What's the, what's the opposite of Apertief? Digestief. As a digestif, we have an espresso machine and a full espresso bar. I can present to you a long black, which is like an Americano, but with an Americano, it's water on top. And with a long black, it is a wet condom, full of espresso beans, pushed through a regular full-te-full-full-frocero. A regular full-de-old. There's coffee made. Called a long black. Do you have anything with alcohol?

Yes, of course. We have a lot of them. Like a Bailey's in coffee or something. We have a bottle of Dan Aykroyd's crystal skull condom. That has been triple filtered through a dingy condom. Dingy is crazy. Isn't that a rubber on a rubber? Oh, my God.

Dan Aykroyd's crystal skull bottle. I saw he was like touring with that and I was like, this is a bit. Surely he's a comedian. And then I was like, oh, no. No, it's, I mean, it's, I think there is no marker of success more in this world than having a vanity alcohol brand. Sure. That's, there's, I mean, you tell me someone with a vanity alcohol brand that's not successful. No way.

Dengie condom, new N.A. beer from JPC coming to shelves near you. I've had Tom Holland's in a beer It's called Beiro B-E-R-O And it's very funny because Tom Holland doing like a lot of press for like the Odyssey But also like shilling his like in it Because you never you constantly, it's like the rock

You have to constantly be shilling your like whatever Licker brand But it's like I'm so excited to bring you the Odyssey on the big screen And then also I have a non-alic beer that I sell It's just like, what a weird, like, shoehorn. What if we made Hey Riddle Riddle brand condoms? Yes. The condoms that are guaranteed to break.

For all the tired dads out there, you're about to be a lot more tired, my band. Hey, ribble, ribble. Hey, ribble. Come on. Cook it, Cood. Adel, you got it. Anderism, dead. Come on, Adel, please.

Hey, ribid. Breaks my leg on the landing. Hey, ribble, ribble. I love it. Yeah. Ribbled for your pleasure. And there's, it's almost like. Your pleasure.

It's like the old good humor sticks Where it's like when you eat the ice cream bar There's a joke on there or whatever There's a riddle on the They're rib to the inside area You think you're wearing the condom inside out But the ribs feel great Okay yeah so there's a riddle in every condom

So when yeah But it doesn't show up unless it has come in it It's like invisible ink It's like invisible ink Everyone dove away from their mic It's like invisible ink Oh all of a sudden I start talking about common condoms And I'm insane over here

He's been serving us condoms for like 40 He's the worst waiter I've ever had. Wait, what? I'm going to get the scientist back at home quarters to like start whipping it up. It's invisible ink but it only works for cum. We have that. We just never... We've had that technology for years. We were just embarrassed to show it. We never had a use for it until

now. I honestly thought I honestly thought from like, I don't know, like 90s stand up or just like 90s, 2000s movies that like buying condoms would be like a more embarrassing. Embarrassing. You know, it's like do we get a price check on the

condoms, you know, but it's like, you don't have any time I've ever purchased condoms, which it's been a while, but you know, you just, you go and then you buy the condoms. Oh, buddy, I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. I think I've only bought condoms. It sucks. Oh, you're married. That's right.

Like eight times in my life. And each time I was quite nervous. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Because for women, they're like, how are you going to use this? Yeah, they sneeze. They go, slut, whenever you, are you going to use this? Are you going to use it to make your house a house a house?

home, make a sandwich and you don't have a career? Did you do the thing where you had to buy other things with the condoms? You're like, uh, yeah, some of that rope and like a knife. And they're like, uh. And a condom breaker. Do you have condoms as well? My good man, what are these? Condoms.

I'll try one of those. And a hostess, one of these hostess cakes. And a condom. No, I go up and I go up to the guy and go, do these work on super tight pussies? And then I wink with both my eyes. A blake. A blake. Oh, fuck, I blink.

Fuck, that's why they don't get it. Oh, man. Oh, man. All of a box of your smallest condoms. You know what? Double it. And give it to the next guy. And give it to the next guy.

Hey, I want to pay it forward to this guy behind me. No, no, two boxes are the small. The two of the smallest. And your biggest tampon smallest condoms. To stay. Can I, do you guys do dining condoms? What were we talking about? Condubs.

agreeable ribbing Oh yeah that's right Agriable ribb vibe jibe Oh I love that What should this episode be called Condomondon Condemnation Laundum

Condem flondom Ribbing I think of like roast Or like a Yeah Ribbing is like making fun of someone Making fun You're close

Fun Fun? Ribbing But another way of saying Tees? Yeah Oh What was the first part

agreeable Please tease Pleasing teasing Pleasing teasing I like to see a scene Oh I love pleasing teasing That's fun You guys are like at a fancy

1800s like gentlemen's club And you are starting to tease each other And you're actually finding it quite funny To have someone Sort of joke about you Oh my My my Well well

Was the pantalo Make her asleep when he made this get up Oh, what is this? You've become quite mischievous. I feel I've had two shandies, and so I feel fresh. Carlisle, I do feel like the horse that you rode in today. I feel like that horse had a hide that should stay hidden. Didn't ride a horse.

Rode a donkey. I wrote a donkey. Lose parrot is there. day. This is a loose parrot was let in here. A loose parrot. If you could believe it. Sounds like the whole something about fucking a pack. I'm not

the one who said that. He said it with his own voice. So I did say it. The parrot's been very funny and I wanted to get in on it because it's been kind of riding around roasting people which is what gave me Montgomery the idea to give you a little bit of my pantaloons.

Yes. Speaking of that shirt has so many ruffles I thought it was made by the Freedom Corpore. A brand new corporation. A brand new corporation. Carl Lyle's not actually rich, right? He stole an ID card to get in here, rah.

Yes, I did steal an ID card. As a local mortician, that seems a little scandalous, I guess, but also speaking of scandalous, that cravat, we should drop in a cravat of acid. Montgomery is two kids stacked on top of each other, right?

We are not. We are not kids. We are not, kids. Please do not remove our coat. What were we fucking talking about? Condoms. Come on. Blushing friend.

Blushing friend. Shy guy. Shire. Rosie Josie. If you have a friend named Josie. She has a histamine intolerance. That's a skin disease. Yeah.

blushing friend uh fat pal pal no not pal amigo um oh you're getting yeah uh bud bud bud longer buddy

ruddy ruddy ruddy buddy oh my god I had a ready buddy in the 80s did anyone else have one of those the ready buddy was peanut butter yeah it was the it was a doll covered a peanut butter

dogs loved it you can't get you could not order a ruddy buddy if you also had a child in the house a child and a dog just a mess matted hair everywhere um ruddy buddy ruddy's not a word I feel like anyone uses anymore no yeah I think for good

reason yeah it feels like there's good ruddance I could not get that one when I was scrolling through these and like testing myself on them before I read them out loud that one uh escaped me ruddy buddy yeah ready buddy um that's what um hold on I'll have it that's what John Hamm has a ruddy buddy

I came and Paul Rudder Pretty close friends I think Because they're from Kansas They met each other in college Yeah As someone who blushes It is the worst

To have your cheeks give you away I just also have a face That I can't hide anything on I just it's very Like it's just everything I'm feeling shows But I hate blushing It's the worst I'll tell you I have

I had a friend that I grew up with His name was Mike And we used to play this game that at all i don't if we've played it together but we've definitely both played it uh the battle star galactica game oh yeah the board game so in that game in the middle of the game or at the beginning of the game sylon cards are dealt out if you're a sylon you're trying to sabotage the whole game and in the middle of the game more cards are dealt out so you could become a sylon in the middle like an activated agent yeah and it's a deceit and bluffing game we played this game probably 50 times

mike never got to be a silent he was always a human and one time we were playing we dealt out the loyalty cards in the second round Mike looked at his loyalty card and then he turned bright red red like a thousand sons and we were all like Mike that's so sad we're like Mike buddy buddy you go in the airlock

like we put you in the airlock and he's like I'm not and we're like you've given it all the way you're dead you're a robot you're trying to kill us we got to put you in the air I've like playing poker or someone who looks at their lips when they have a good hand and it's like buddy I felt so bad for He just had never had the opportunity, so he had no... Everyone else had all the time of the world to practice. It's because they want to eat their good cards.

Erd is that what it is? I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. Oh, come on. Aaron and Adel, you guys are playing poker. It's like a high-stakes, you know, high-stakes poker game, but both of you just got dealt delicious hands, and you just want to eat your cards. All right, Blofield, I raise you 20 grand. I raise you. Hmm.

Hmm. I'm thinking about... 100 grand. Oh, chocolate, nugget. I raise you three musketeers. No, I raise you. Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

Like a chocolate cake with like a warm glaze over. Yes. Oh, like, oh. Gentlemen, you must actually wedge our money. Oh, and you're French. The people known for the best chocolate. Oh, I would love like a duck, like a roasted duck with a potatoes on the size. I'm just running this game at the table.

I'm not aware of. You're wearing the hat. My nephew gave me this duck chef hat. He told me he wanted me to wear it to work because he misunderstood what I did for work. Okay. My cards are good. My cards are really good. My cards are really good.

I have a... It cuts the 20 minutes ago when they're smoking a pole outside together. Cuts back. I have a queen with a three, which is like a queen with a tray. Don't do not. Don't say what you... You'll not say what counts you have. Oh, it's fine.

It's a full house. It's very bad to do in Bokale. Huh? What? Why? Why? We're all just thinking. I have, like, all of mine are, like, the royal cards and olives.

Olives and olives. Oh, my God, that sounds so good. But they're all our hearts and all the royal ones. Do you want to maybe order Mr. Bond, their signature, not in the movies? Oh, my. James, James. She did one of those, like, Valentine's box of chocolates, and then she did one of those, like, Valentine's box of chocolates, and then she'll.

Oh my God, first name of Blowfield, absolutely. Oh, I love it. Can we get, and then, okay, so let's do, and honestly, Martinis. I am not a wetter. I am a old fashion. I think I'm old fashioned. Marchitis, I'm getting so tired of them because they're so cold. Please.

They're so cold. They're very cold, yes. Oh, maybe like a warm cider with like a whiskey in it. Oh, my God. Remember that high seed that was like slimer? Like the slimer from Ghostbusters where it was like, it was like electro. What was that called? Squeeze it. Squeeze it. We're going to go to Cheesecake Factory.

Bring that girl that you're seeing. She's got a pussy name. What is her double pussy? What is her name? Double a pussy? Her name is Breast Jones. She's being, I was way off. Breast Jones. Just, Ian Fleming.

Now there's a breast of fresh air. You can see James. We'll return in breast of fresh air. Ian Fleming phoning it in I don't know, breast to make sense That's a breast to be for success At one of the comedy bang bang live shows I did Will Hines who's the best

He's so sweet and so funny He played his like noir detective Who like gets really great acting jobs In order to solve mysteries Boobes Rince is his name Which is such a fucking funny fake name But anytime one of us said it He would laugh out loud

He laughed out loud Like he forgot the rumor. Yeah. Like he would like, so we'd be like, Pop time, he would be like, so boobs, what do you think? And he's like, he's like, he. Oh my goodness. Everyone's saying boobs rinks. It was so delightful.

It seems like what Scott does to Will Hines, which it doesn't seem like he really does to anyone else's. No matter what premise Will Hines brings in, Scott does not let him get to it at all. He'll just like, he'll just make up something else about him and focus on that. Like, Will Hines will bring in a premise, but it just, he won't let him do it. He won't let him live in the premise. I don't know where boobs. I can't remember where. where boobs rinse came from.

But it's very much that thing of like, good luck. You know, it's like, what of us calls a scene? We're like, we're basically calling that scene, but it's going to be something else. It's going to be whatever you wanted to be. Before the main live show, Scott completely forgot to tell us the order on which we were all going out. We had no idea who was going when. And I was fully dressed like Chris Angel backstage and panicked trying to set up my magic tricks because I thought I was later in the show.

I was first. And Will Hines told him a different character that he was doing. And then Will panicked backstage and was like, the fog machine's broken. I'm going to make it all about the fog. And it was so funny. Yeah. But Scott was like, Will. You got to tailor it.

Taylor it to the live show experience. Do we have more? We do. We have a few more. Let's do a couple more. Prepared pasta. Prepared pasta. Cooked noodle.

Pasta. This could be a lot of things. Okie-noki. Already joking? Prepared. Prepared. Prepared. Served.

Plated? No, I don't know how you haven't gotten this yet, JBC. Spaghetti. That's ready. Ready spaghetti. Ready spaghetti. Ready spaghetti. Dinosaur kidnapper.

Dinosaur. Oh, can I tell you something fun that my kid does? So we'll go out and we'll be like a store or something checking out of the grocery store. And people will ask Mike at a question. And they, without fail. always start to tell them about spaghetti, which is our dog. But they'll just like spaghetti,

blah, blah, blah, blah. And they'll be like, oh, spaghetti. And I have to be like, the dog's name. The dog's name is spaghetti. But I do love like... I played with spaghetti today and I'm like, uh-huh. Or a lot of times they're like spaghetti burped. Yeah.

And it's like, what is that? What the fuck could that possibly be? Is this kid blaming their burps on their food? I guess we all do that. I guess we all do. It's inside my body. And then I just let that burp out. And I'm a passerby in my life.

life. Nothing is my fault. I'm not getting kicked out of this restaurant. That's happening to some other guy in a dream. That really is your kid. Yeah, yeah. Just dodging accountability. Spaghetti burnt.

Spaghetti shit on the couch. Okay. You know what I think about all the time is your kid throwing up and being so confused. What happened to my grapes and my blueberries? What happened to my grapes and my blueberries? Oh, it's so sad. It's sweet.

Dinosaur-kidnapper. Stegosaurus. Oh, don't say it. Get my kid back. Dinosaur kidnapper. T-Rex? Velociraptor? When I find you, I will kill you.

I have a very particular set of skills. It's taken, but it's capital T-hyphen. Yeah. Love. Is this a specific type of dinosaur? Did he not have the right one just then? What did you say? I was blacking out.

I don't know what I said. Velociraptor. Oh, you're close. Oh, Raptor Captor Captor. Raptor Captor. I'd like to see a scene. Okay. Um, uh, Adel will have you be a kidnapper.

Okay. Be careful because raptors are birds. Okay. Well, I'll be very careful. And you did drown my character. You're going to be a kidnapper. And JPC, you're going to be a dinosaur in the back of a car trying to figure out, like, if you're being, like, why, why you're getting. Got it.

And I'm a dinosaur. Got it. Yeah. And you're trying to, like, appeal to his human side. All right, all right. Stay down. Stay low. Stay low.

Oh, it's hard to do. I'm like six and a half feet tall. Yeah, yeah, we all are, buddy. We all are. No. Your dad's got money, right? You're saying you're six and a half feet tall? Yeah, sure.

Somewhere up there. Uh, okay. You must slouch. Okay, I'm 511 soaking wet. But listen, your dad's got money, right? I, no. I mean, not really. No?

I thought, uh... He's a dinosaur. What would he need money for? I don't know. I thought dinosaurs. You know, wealthy creatures. You've been around for so long? Wealthy creature?

Oh. Yeah, your bones go for so much. No, no. I'm a lab-grown dinosaur. What? Yeah. Like a cubic sikonia? No, that's a real, right?

That's a real rock. It's just not a diamond. It's like a lab grove diamond, right? All right, we're at the checkpoint here in Canada. If you're going to cross the border, we're going to have to look in your car. Let's see. Oh, puts on hat and sunglasses. Me and my nephew.

Um, what are you soaking wet? Are you 5-11? Thank you. Yeah. I'd say 6-1, but... Why are you so wet? Oh, we were just... We were just out of pool. Pool. Hall. You and your nephew? Hustling people. All the color of money. Thank you for your honesty. People lie to me all day, every day. And it just starts to wear on this.

All right. Well, human goodbye. Human goodbye. Hey, hey. Yeah. Human goodbye. Fuck, we were like connected with this guy. See. And a huge thank you from me to you. I love trying to breeze past something and the person's like, you've made my day. Like, finally someone is

You're going to break his trust in people forever. Forever. There's one more from Will and then we'll call it a day. Okay, let's do it, Will. Busom Adventure. Breast Conum. All right, that's it. Anything to plug?

All right, brush condoms. I know you're... Breast condom. Burner. There's a breast condom. Adele has to sing breast condom. Can I sit this one out? We signed on for three movies.

We need you to sing breast condom out there now. I, you know what? I saw last night. That was so good. And I don't know where you can see it, but I'm sure it's somewhere. A condom for a breast titillating. I'm sorry.

They brought back conunders? Oh, my God. Can we just spend some time doing that just a little? You're the one who said we were running out of time. Oh, my God. If we'd started with that, we could have done a whole episode of that, and now it's too late. There's a dead bird in the tub. Horrifying.

We've run out of time to do anything fun. It's my fucking tub, too. I have to say, that's what's the breast condom I've ever had. Who are other people who played James Bond? that I was the distinctive Fries Fries Fries Fries Crayg Craig

Something Laysenby George Lasonby Timothy Dalton Roger Moore Um Soon to be We don't know We're breaking the news here On Nameda

Oh you know what I saw last night That was so good Is Sand, the Improv Team Oh, I love Sand Mike Brunlebe Was on the show recently Yeah

Yeah Hit your own episode And sand is And I know that It's just the best Impropt team When we talk about them all the time and I'll you coach them.

But like I just, I hadn't seen a sand show in so long. And it was so fearless and cool and creative. And if you are an improviser in Chicago, I would go out of your way to try to see a show. I think you'd find it very inspiring. Adel, anything to plug or promote? Right around now, I think the new season of Holo from the Magic Tavern is out.

So please check that out. And how does it compare to Sugar Season 2? I would say, That's a bad question. It's so unfair. Just as many humans featured, if that makes sense. It's a lot about how Chant hasn't had a cheeseburger. You should make that a whole season for Chant.

It's my season arc. JPC anything to plug or pro? A breast condom. Lucky I brought my chicken penis content. I can cut them off. I can cut them off. Hot dogs. Breast condom.

Chicken penis conti. Oh, what are you trying to say? Chicken penis conti. That can't be what you're trying. Surely that man to say chicken peep of content. He's to be editing. Mary parents in the music.

And Emily Nipura. One, two, three, four, hate rid to bridge. Hey, riddle. Hey, Rachel. All right, buddy Harrison, lot stops by to take you to a billionaire retreat. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com, so say, rental and rental by joining the clue for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a Hidgum podcast. What's up everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up everybody? I'm Beck-Ben. And man, ooh, we got something to tell you.

Yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast you'd be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they

think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep. Guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Brini Brosky, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter, and Tim Balls, Landon Axler, Jolie, Joni McGrath. And Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday.

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