Hey Riddle Riddle - #422: This Could be my Star Wars

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Anything's a Star Wars if you do it good enough...Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay, I just have to ask you a couple of questions before you... Oh, we're not a couple. Oh, don't worry. That's not one of the questions. You can be whatever you want to be. Oh, okay, great. Wait, whatever we want to be?

Um, if you're going to donate blood to the Hey Riddle riddle. If you're going to donate blood. You can't be drunk if you're going to donate blood. Hmm. Wrong. Okay, it's not like something that I've tried out. Like, it can't be done. I'm just saying, it shan't be.

Don't drink that blood. That someone's blood. Just donated that blood. Oh, awesome. Chug blood. Chug blood. I already did it. Oh.

What if I donate blood while taking a shower? That'll be fine. Because the shower will make me not undrump. Can you get the blood from anywhere? No, you have to, we're going to take the blood out of your body. Oh, it's going to be coming from out of my body, but do I get to pick where you get it from? We don't take penis blood. Give me you don't take penis blood.

Okay, that's like, you're making like a fussy. Come on, don't have a tan. You don't have to take it, but if you don't take it, I leave it on the floor in the lobby. Okay, then just leave it on the floor. You think that you're the first weirdos I've had to hear today at the Hey, Rilbertal Blood Drive? Yeah, right, get real.

What is your blood type? We want to help. We want to be here and we want to help. Blonde. Oh, my God. Blonde. Massive knockers. Massive knockers.

Yeah. Hates me. Huh? Hey, what am I, my ideal blood type? And have you done any drugs in the last 30 days? Define days. We're done with drugs for the last three days. So you're not done with drugs?

Earth days? Take me to your leader. Take me to your cocaine. Okay, so you've done drugs. We did cocaine, yeah. We did cocaine in the parking lot made a penises bleed. So that's why we're holding them like, we are holding them. All right.

I was wondering, why are you holding these? You answered that question. Asked us how we did the cocaine. Not through our nose. On the penis cocaine. But snort. Oh, butt snort, sorry. We did butt snort.

Which is awesome because you also get a squat in. I can't even believe it, but your blood does qualify to donate to Hey, Riddle Riddle. We'll take basically any kind of blood. Please. That's our tagline. Our resident vampire, JPC, is going to take the blood out. He's all filled up on penis blood. That's why we are not accepting me today.

Oh, he's actually feeling like maybe a second stomach for the penis blood. Is this him? Oh, he doesn't really have a. casket he came out of a U-Haul box? Yeah. That's all we can afford. It's a wardrobe box, though. Pretty big bugs.

Come with a little metal hanger thing. Are you too full or do you want some penis blood? Oh, I could eat. Addle? Frankenaddle brains? Penis brains? Penis brains. Okay, yeah, gentlemen, get in line.

Be this brains. What is this? E.T. Have fun, be safe, and whatever you do, don't fall in love. Penis breath. That's what he calls him in. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. No one says that. Well, wait. We forgot to introduce our third.

Where, Aaron? Mm-hmm. Where in Keith? Where Aaron? Oh, she's sick. Oh, Shabaka's ghost. She's sick. Oh, she's sick. She turns into a whirlf on a full stomach.

Oh, I do, though. I really do. Welcome to Hey, Ritter Riddell. We are in person. It is way better to be in person in recording. It's awesome. I'm still so tired from earlier where we ate. We'll peek behind the curtain. We recorded the breakfast review crew earlier today, and I'm exhausted.

You got to go to the review crew tier on the Patreon if you want to get the behind the scenes on why it feels bad right now. I do think this is the thickest my blood has ever felt in a while at least. Yeah. Like, I feel like my blood is standing still Does that make sense? My heart's like, no worries if not, but like, if you could like just sort of like... You got a green, you got a green buddy, honk, honk. Even if you like walk through me, like you don't even have to run.

But like if you just, I just need a little bit of blood. So normally an EKG is not pass-fail, but you technically pass on this. Oh, man. technically your blood is auditing. It's not enrolled in your body. Oh. So it's kind of phoning it in. It's phoning it in.

It will get credit, but it's a transfer credit. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. Basically, your blood is kind of what like community college is to college. I bet I could get a hematologist to quit medicine if they look at the blood right now. I bet they would look at the state of my blood and all of its story and go, no, I actually, I was, I was, I should have been an artist.

They make this sign like a blackjack dealer when they change. Yeah. That's so funny. So normally your blood, when we look at it under a microscope, we see platelets. What we see today is full platelets. And spinning platelets? It looks like all your platelets are already full. It looks like someone went to the buffet too many times. Instead of white blood cells, you have white sugar blood cells.

And then instead of red blood cells, you have red velvet cake blood cells. You have hemogoblin You have Jellon negative What else? What else do we know about blood? You have negative negative negative Do you guys remember

We opened with sort of a universal Monster Leon Do you guys remember when Pizza Hut went full Universal Monsters And the commercials had like Dracula and you could get little holograms. Like with your pizza, you got like a little Dracula hologram or a little werewolf hologram. No.

That to me is peak Pizza Hut. That's when the red glasses. Were they like little like cards when you say holograms? Like they would vaguely maybe. This is the 90s? I mean, yeah. I remember dining in Pizza Hut having those like red marbled glasses. Oh, the best.

But I don't, I don't remember. I don't remember that. I remember, man, the stuff that they used to give you. you, I got a copy, a VHS copy, or maybe it was a DVD copy of Weekend at Bernie's two once with a pizza. Yes. They used to give you movies with pizza like it was like a, our dinner and a feature thing. Our very first DVD ever. We got, oh, brother, where art thou, with a new DVD player because we got it from Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut gave you, oh, brother, where art thou? That also, it was like one of three choices. That is a fucking, fucking,

Reckwin for a dream. 2000 one of space audits. or a brother. Where are the hell yeah, Pizza Hut? They're like, we actually care about the art of cinema. We'll give you episodes four, five, and six of Band of Brothers. I'm like, what? You guys have to watch it.

We're dying to talk to you about it. Here's your book at personal pan pizza and Caligula remastered. Just a guy at Pizza who's desperate to talk about movies. He'll be like, I'll loan you any movie you want. Order a pizza. I'll bring it to your house with one of my movies. Order a pizza next week and you can change it out. that was not national, it was just your local pizza. The guy was like, this town has the worst-tasted movies.

I can't keep watching Jerry Bruckheimer. I totally forgot they used to give away DVDs with movies. But everything, everybody like fast food toys used to be better too. Like there was a certain degree of like lost leading, I think, that they did with that stuff. When now it's just like cheap to manufacture. Everything's kind of crap. Well, nothing matters anymore. Although I guess people still care about these like limited edition stuff.

Like I think people care about like playing cards and trading cards and stuffed animals. But that's more like value versus like sentimental value. Yeah, those are they're like the like 80, 20 businesses where like 20% of your consumers spend 80% of or make up for 80% of your profits. Like collectors like baseball card collectors. Anything that's like can be collectible. Yeah. Like it appeals to like a small subset of freaks who like are trying to collect it. Or whatever.

Or whatever or whatever. And how long have you worked here? Great. Do you guys have any either still have it like at your parents' home or something or remember like a fast food meal toy that like really like rocked your world or that you were really attached to? You know, we had so many like small figurines between like Legos and all of that stuff. Like we had the Fisher. Price Little, like those people.

Oh, yeah. And it got mixed in with McDonald's toys that sometimes, I think I feel like we talked about this like three years ago on an episode where we were going through old McDonald's toys. And I was like, oh, we had that. I just think my little kid brain did not realize that they were from meals. Some of them were like passed down from cousins and stuff. So I was just playing with McDonald's toys constantly and had no idea.

I think we had transformer ones that like looked like chicken nuggets. One of my favorites. Which is my dream is people look like a little bucking. Chicken nuggets the train. One with like a milkshake. Yeah, those are so cool. Those were my, my top two are those.

And then they, one of my favorite things I've ever owned up until, I guess, adulthood was a Kermit on a skateboard because they had little Muppets at one point. Maybe late 80s or early 90s, but it's like Kermit on like a red skateboard. And I remember just like running around the house

being like every windowsill, every stair banister, Kermit is going to be grinding. I love that. Yeah. Also, I really wanted the mini, Beanie babies, but I don't think we got our hands on those.

When bionicles were huge, do you remember bionicles? There was like a period. Oh, dude, they, oh, Kyle X Y. No, yes. Kyle X Y. We're about to give you another Kyle X Y that you could just dump out of your brain. But I don't know if it was McDonald's. It may have been.

They're like Legos, but they're like kind of like transform. They're like they're like this tall. This tall and they had like swords and masks. And they don't have a belly button in there from another planet. And they're a family. This is Kyle X Y's Y. But there was a period where McDonald's or some fast food place was giving away like these little tiny. They like worked it into the lore of the bionicles that they were just little tiny ones.

But the little tiny ones were still made of the same Lego like pieces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could take like their masks and like combine it with your own pieces and stuff. It was awesome. My dad saved like everything from when like I told you my dad's a hoarder. But recently when I, if I've been going back down in Indianapolis, he's. said your dad was Hodor. What did I say?

You said your dad was a whore. Duh. And then you said, duh, wrong. And then you said, duh, wrong. But he saved a lot of stuff. And recently went back to town. He brought up a bunch of books, like those like a little, like I can read books, like early reading books. And my kid found the Sorcerer's Apprentice, which, and it was.

It was like an old version of the Sorcer's Apprentice. We have, my dad sent me like a newer version, and it's just interesting. They did change a lot of, you know, stuff in like newer reprintings of the Sorcer's Apprentice to make, I think, like, less terrifying. I don't think they were concerned about making things terrifying for kids. Clifford, the big red dog, scared the shit out of it. Huge. The dog's too big.

It's way too big. He lives in the city. And clearly angry. But he sent us home with a bunch of like these like learning to read books. And I was like, and I'm pretty discerning about what books I give my kid. Like, I'll read things in. in the library of the bookstore before we get them. So I brought these home and I start reading them.

And first of all, there was two that I just like took out of consideration from the cover art alone. I'm like, these seem to be using some antiquated terms that like maybe flew in like 1991. But like maybe we're going to shuffle these off to the side. But then I started reading some other ones and I was like it there's one and it's like, it's perfectly mundane, but it's about this like badger and or maybe it's a beaver and and a bear who are like neighbors.

And they constantly, they're kind of bickering and not getting along. But the way that the beaver and the bear talk to each other is like how real neighbors that are upset with each other would talk to each other. And you're like, this isn't like the sanitized thing that I think would be would be found. I do need to see this. And then at one point they're like telling this. There's one of the three stories in this book. There's like an interchange between them where they're reading a story and the book. but the story is missing a page

so they don't know how it ended. And it's like this character is like skiing and skis like off a cliff. And they're like, the character left a cliff and it's like, well, what happens to him? And the bears like, maybe they died. And I'm like, this is the kids. What?

It's just so funny to like read something from 30 years ago. I'd be like, yeah, we talk to kids like a little bit differently now. Like it's just, yeah, it's interesting to see it's not really like how toys are made. but it's, that would not be in the reprinting. And then there's some of the books that I'm like, this is boring. Like, who bothered to put this in a book?

Nobody's skiing off a clip. I need action, baby. I do want to see a scene. We'll say, uh, JPC, you're a beaver. Um, Aaron, you're a bear. And you're both kind of shitty, shitty neighbors to one another. Um, but you're complex. So there's, yeah, you're trying, you're trying to be good.

Hey, neighbor. Um, just quick. question. I know you're getting your car. You're probably going somewhere. I just just will just only take a sec. I'm definitely going somewhere. That's why people get in cars. Right. Or you could be getting something from your car and bringing it back in your house. I'm not. I'm getting in my car to leave, Ted. I'm getting to the driver's seat. Okay. What did you need? Well, I've noticed that when you're eating trees, that they're tipping over and they're landing. Do you think I eat trees? Well, you're biting at

the trees and then they fall over and they're landing in my yard. I'm sharpening my teeth on the trees. You think I... Aren't you like making... I'm sorry. I don't get what you're... I'm sorry? I was raised different. I... It's just different. How are you raised? That you didn't care about other people's lives? No, I care. I'm just saying your trees are...

Your trees have broken my fence twice. You bite the bottom part. And then they'll land in my... And then the land in my... It smashed a window in my house. I scared my cup. A tree smashed a window. Yeah. A tree smashed a window. Okay, it made a crack on the window. Yeah. That's the same thing.

You got to replace the glass either way. Okay. You know what? I'm in the middle of something right now. If you let me know how much the glass replacement was, I'm happy to pay for it. But you know what? I mean, I don't know if you have the money to do that. Maybe you could write me a check for the entire fucking dam that I built last weekend.

Don't swear in front of my kids, man. Where are your fucking kids? They're right here. They're right behind me. Oh, my God. That is the most unobtrusive bear I've ever seen in my entire life. That's a bear. He's a baby bear.

He's a cub. Okay. Well, whatever. I don't know your whole terminology for whatever you guys are. What? Whatever we are. I've seen you fishing.

I've seen you grabbing fish out of that lake that's there now. There wasn't a lake there before. Yeah. You're welcome for the lake. Does public land? It's public land. It's private infrastructure. I built a whole dam.

I'm not taking fish from the dam. Damn, damn, fucking damn. Oh my God. Now, here we go. I didn't. Damn is not a curse word. That is. Yes, it is.

That's my, what? Damn. That's my business. Damn you. Is it your business? Your wife, yeah, is doing a lot of business out in that damn. You should check on that. You think you've got a problem with me? You got a problem in your own home.

You have a problem with your wife in that damn. You know what? You're about to have a problem in your... Earmuffs, kid. You're about to have a problem in your home with your wife. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. My dead wife and I are about to have a problem.

Well, I don't know about that. But I do know that your wife had a taste for Beaver. What are you talking about? She was bisexual. He was bisexual. She had a taste for beaver, so? Face for beaver, taste for beaver. Oh, my God.

I said to your muffs. Kid don't fucking listen. Oh, my God. You know what? I don't come to where you work and knock the honey off of your dick. I don't know why you're in the business of me. I'm a Coca-Cola bear, not a honey.

You're a polar bear? Yeah. Bullshit. That's white face. That's you doing white face. What's that rhyme about bears? You're doing makeup? What's that thing that you say, if it's white, say good night.

Good night, bitch. Boom. Dodge, dodge. Bamba, babbub, bab, bab, bab, bam. Clams up a tree. Fuck you. Come and get me. I can climb up a tree.

I'm a black bear. You're a black bear doing. I'm a black belt. I'm a white bear. See? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm a black belt. I'm a white bear.

Like, memento. Like, I'm a black belt, white bear. My name is brown. Okay. Yeah. Takes the writing on their paw. I'm a... Okay, hold on.

Black bear, white, belt, brown. If it's brown, lay down. Okay, wait, wait. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, man. I can't fit in anywhere. Oh. Hey, guys.

It's me. It's Square Bear. Aw. Square bear. What seems to be the problem? Well, I tried to go in the screen. cave over here, but it's like round, and then I tried to put my paw on this beehive, but it's round, and I just feel like I can't. Square bear, you need a Squarespace. Oh. I'm going to make a website

to explain it to you on Squarespace. Yeah, Squarespace is the all-on-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, Square Bear. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all-in-one play Square Bear. And Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall, perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. Oh, Square Bear, you're so cute.

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Those are yours. You keep them. I'm going to eat you both. Square bear. I'd also wash those. Hey, everybody, JPC here, and I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants.

I love restaurante touring. I love going out to eat. But a lot of times because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to who want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up. I don't like to put on airs. So I do eat out a lot of restaurants wearing a potato sack with armholes cut out and not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack if I remember. But recently, I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't

like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to talk about this. So I went to Quince because Quince is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials built to last and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes.

Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra-soft organic cotton teas and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile timeless and transitioned seamlessly from, casual workday to dinner out. I love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity. I am so excited for fall because I will get to fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks and they are scratchy and uncomfortable and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quince has priced 50 to 80 less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quince has become

my go-to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and travel must-have. Now, I know I said they have premium cookware. Potato sacks are not cook-cook-ware. I know it's because you cook and you wear it, but potato sacks are not something. You are not fine potato sacks at Quince. Do not even look. So upgrade your every day. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E-com slash riddle. And do not mention that you used to wear potato sacks to anyone ever. Well, guys, I got to go. I'm taking Square Bear, my new best friend, out to a very fancy dinner

because I saved a bunch of money using Rocket Money. Whoa. Wow. Howe, honey. A French honey-dry? French, yeah. Yeah, everyone would think hard on this. Oh, the bear. Yes. Right? Isn't that what they call the one from the show or whatever? Yeah, that's fun, right? it's a bear? I've loved rocket money for so long. It's an app that helps me find and cancel all my unwanted subscriptions. It monitors my spending all in one place. I've loved it forever. It color codes things for me and it helps me keep track of all of the free trials that I've signed up for and forgot to cancel. Yeah, you can also set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low

balances. And here's a list of the world's best restaurants. Let's see. Can I do bear puns on any of these? One called the fat bear. Is that something? The fat duck? You could also use it to do automated savings that grow

towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it approach. So if you're trying to sign up for a fancy dinner at La Cordon bear. No ma. No bear. Berma.

La. Aden? 11 Madison Bear. Aaron, baby. You ready? Oh, yeah. We're going to head out. I can afford to treat you like a queen because I've been using Rocket Money.

Ooh, la, la. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash riddle. That's RocketMoney.com.com slash riddle. Rocket Money.com slash riddle. R-A-D-L-E. See you later, guys. And, guys, if you go on a date with a bear, let the bear pay.

Come on, Square Bear. Let's get in your convertible car and go to... We're going to bear, Alenia. Awesome. Well, let's wait no longer. And let's do some riddles. Great. I love to wait no longer.

All right, here's... Addle's reading riddles off of a clipboard for, I think maybe the first time in the show's history. I'm interested to see how it feels. I feel a little bit like I'm checking into a camp activity. E. Keith. K-E-I-F as in Frank. Okay. It looks like you are signed up for Make Your Own Hula Hoop.

Ooh. I'm going to make mine square. I feel like I'm at a doctor's office and I'm looking at a list of diseases and they're like, does any one in your family have this? And I'm like, oh my God, I guess I should have asked one question. To anyone in my family ever. I'm just like, I'm like, you can't mark zero so you have to mark a couple of them and you get in there. They're like, so you think you have cervical cancer. And I'm like, oh, man.

I picked the wrong one. I pick the wrong one. Here's our first riddle. I'm a form of shade, but I make things bright. What am I? A really well-timed insult. Is it Max Landis? Max Landis did famously make bright, which he said was going to be his Lord of the Rings.

His Star Wars, I believe. His Star Wars, I'm sorry. But how did he phrase it? It was like, His Lord of the Rings hasn't been made yet. That's later in his career. Didn't he phrase it? Casey, can you look at the, the, Max Lendous tweet about it because he was like

If this is as good as I wrote it It's gonna be my star So it's someone else's fault But he made it also he directed it right? Did he direct it? I thought he just... No, it was directed by the dude who did suicide David Ayer.

David Ayer, yeah. I'm pretty sure. A terrible director for the most part. David Error. What an apt name. God, I love that. I fucking love... A neon colored umbrella.

Now that's Blade Runner, Aaron. Yeah, that is Blade Runner. Can you say there... I'm a form of shade, but I make things bright. What am I? Aaron, you're not terribly far off. Is it a nightshade, that plant that makes you a genius, flowers for Algernon? What did you say, Casey?

I've come to slowly realize that bright my new script, if made well, could potentially be my Star Wars. And it feels crazy. That's crazy. It's a crazy thing to say. I can write anything and say publicly, if made well, this will be my Casablanca. This tray of muffins has the potential. To be the new Pirates of the Caribbean. If after 30 minutes at 375, these could be my Star Wars of muffins.

These could be my Star Wars. These could be my Star Wars. I'm going to say that before I do anything, any output in my life. Burp, fart, scream. If I do this well, this could be my Star Wars. If this goes well and you don't fall asleep, this could be my Star Wars. Sex with me is like Star Wars. Let's do that for a little bit

Sex with me is like Star Wars Um Huh Oh God I'm gonna use my hand solo Um Sex with me is like Star Wars If it's all force it's bad

If there's only hold on it Sex with me is like Star Wars I'm just gonna laya there I'm just gonna laya there Sex with me is like Star Wars I will I like porgs And if you're into that too

Then like I'll I'll try whatever What else? Sex with me is like Star Wars I know I know Sex with me is like Star Wars I love you

I do think that I am gonna start I really want to start Working into my lexicon If this is made well This like my wife cooking dinner And I just walk in And like taste it a bit of like Mariah I don't want to be hyperbolic here

But if you make this in it well, this could be your Star Wars. If this episode goes well, guys, it could be our Star Wars. You go eat at a nice restaurant and they're like, can you tell the chef this is their Star Wars? And they're like, I'm not going to relay that to the show.

The chefs have already having a bad day. It's better because it's as you put your order and be like, I'll have the chicken fried steak and can you tell the chef? Make it their chef. That if they cook it well, this could be their Star Wars. What a wild call your like Bay Brewers.

call your own shot, but not backing it up. Star Wars. Star Wars. Anytime you throw away, wad up a ball of paper, shoot it into a basket. Star Wars. Star Wars. Adel, I'm ready for the answer? I'm a form of shade, but I make things bright, what am I?

Now, here's what I'll say. I don't know if this holds water. Because the answer is a lampshade. Does a lampshade... It makes things less bright, don't you think? It dims the bowl. By definition. Now, I'm trying to think, is there such a thing as a lampshade that makes things brighter?

It'd be like the... Like a gel, I guess? You wouldn't even call it a shade at that point. Like, it's like a lamp and an insert. I'd like to see a scene. Adel, you are a light bulb and you're like the life of the party and you're going to be at one of my dinner parties. And you're just being, you're holding court and you're here with your brother lampshade that's kind of like dimming your light a little bit. So I was talking to Tanya and she said that...

Oh, my God. She said, if you get a dog, you simply must. Tanya's his friend. Huh? Tanya's his friend. Hold on. I'm right at the end. Right.

Yeah. We both know. We work with Tanya. Oh, good. Yes. She knows Tanya. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm so, sorry. I'm so sorry about him. No, it's Tanya.

I said the more than Marrier. You were talking to Tanya. Your friend, Tanya, you both know her. Oh, the dog. We don't need a summary every fucking time. Oh, it's totally fine. It's fine. No, I'm sorry.

You're killing it. Your story was great. I'm just going to, actually, I'm going to check on the dessert really quick. I'll be back in like 30 seconds. And then I want to hear what Tanya said. Oh, good. Yeah, nothing amps up a story like five-minute break. What?

You're killing it with her. No, I'm not. I was getting to the punch line and you stepped on my fucking dick, dog. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, sorry. Like, I'm here to wing me in, you know? No, you're not.

No, I'm not. I said I had to dick out of the house because you're losing your mind. You're climbing the walls. Okay. That's right. Yes. And I said you can come with as long as you act normal. As long as I act normal.

Great. And what are you doing? I don't know. Not acting. Not acting. Just being. Right? All right.

It's going to be a couple more minutes on that dessert. Dan won a push-up contest when he was in high school. What did he doing? He did more push-ups than anyone at the school. What do you doing? Now she's just going to ask me to do push-ups. Do you still want, would you want to do push-ups for the party? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He could definitely do. push-ups. The way he does push-ups is he clicks this little tab on his neck, and it goes like, it's like, off, on, off, on, but it's basically a push-up. Yeah, I just don't know if my filaments can handle that. It was when I was younger, so, you know, I was really radiated. I was going to say, because I run Iron Man's and I've invited him to participate in you don't seem like an athletic. I'm glass. Right, right, and that's why, like, I have never asked. Tony Stark made this in the desert? Hey, not, hey, not. The box of scratch.

Don't, if someone says Iron Man, they're talking about the race. I love Obadiah Stain. Nobody loves Obadiah Stain. That's the worst character. What? I'm going to get, I'm going to, I just notice that we are out of red wine. No. No, do you need to make any?

No, I don't want, I don't want homemade wine. Homemade wine? A really nice bottle. Oh, great. He's going to quote Mickey Rourke from Iron Man, too. Here we go. Hey, man, you do you better than him. Sorry, I'm just in the kitchen.

What's going on? Sorry? Hey, did you need more red wine? No, I'm getting you red wine. Great. I thought you got this, man. Sorry. I just, before we get too far, field, what did Tanya say about the...

It doesn't matter. Oh, no, no, I want to hear. Oh, it's so funny. It's so fucking funny. When I heard what Tanya said, and I don't even know Tanya, I don't work with her at all. But when I heard what Tanya said, I laughed so hard. I had a full mental breakdown. I had a full mental breakdown.

He's joking. He's joking. leave my job and I had to go move back in at home. We shouldn't tell family business. My parents take care of me fully now. I can't even bathe myself because I had... All of our parents take care of all of us, right? I freaked out so much about what Tanya said that now I, when I close my eyes, I see it and it makes me go fucking crazy.

Okay. It's so funny. You're going to love what Tanya said. I'm actually like really nervous to hear what she said. I thought it was going to be like a funny, a classic Tanya is. It could be funny. Blow your mind? I've never even heard this story before.

Okay. I've never heard this story before. Then what made you lose your mind? Yes, exactly. Oh, I'm feeling so tired. Hey, aren't you tired? Oh, no, I feel like I've just done like the lampshades equivalent of cocaine. Cocaine.

Cocaine. I feel like I've done cocaine. Okay, we were, you know, that's okay. We can wrap up. I was going to do a game of charades and serve a dessert, but that's okay. Yes. Dan is so good at shrades. Please let Dan play charades with you.

Please. I always have an idea. Ding. Dan, that is so funny. I love when you do that. He does that. And I always have cocaine. Boof!

Oh, boy. So, so sorry. Who did mom give you cocaine? Cut to 20 minutes later. It's a movie. Four words. Four words. Cotsiquado.

Cutsoquado. Cutto. Cutto. Cutto. Cutto. Cutto. Good. Forward.

Sounds like. Six feet. St. St. St.m. Sixth tribe by. Sixth tribe by. Four words.

Sounds like. Put it wrong with his son. Making you an iron man. Got it. Go. Run. Can I be honest? Can I be honest?

You forgot you were a lampshed. There was a minute. Maybe about two and a half minutes into that scene. I'm like, I've said no specifics about lamps or lamp shades. Yeah, I have to say something. Let me guess. You forgot you were a lamp. I should say something that makes it seem like we are a lamp and a lamp.

Also, this is the grief of recording in person. There's only one con. And it's how funny people are being physically. and there are a camera on us, unless you're a pervert and you've got a camera set up. Bummer. Just all these teddy bears, huh? So many goddamn teddy bears

stationed all over this apartment. And no nanny camps. What a waste. But yeah, I guess lampshades, they both shade, they're not, yeah, that's a tough one. That's a tough one to start on, especially. Hey, it's not your fault.

It's a clipboard. It's a clipboard. I typed it. Okay, here's the next one. I can be a letter, a person, or a quality. What am I? Jay. Okay, I heard one sort of loud noise.

I said K. And I said, Jay. We were so close to each other. And we were just kidding. That's our two problems. Will you coach us? Yeah. I'm Jay.

He's K and we are just kidding. Just kidding. I kind of works because it's John and Keefe. Yeah. We could be Jay and Kay. will you coach us? Wait, Adel, you do it too because we could be, I'm Jay

and I'm K. We have the Adel in there for A, J.A.K. And we like to jack off. Yeah, and we like to jack off. Can we get a suggestion of any kind of way you can masturbate? We are J.A.K. Imbrough.

How do you like to jack off? Touching my, stimulating my penis with my hand. At live improv. I heard DILDA. I heard, I heard, again, stimulating by being in this and like. Why do we keep getting this? Oh, I heard humping a couch.

Fantastic. Whatever makes sense. Whatever makes sense. I used to coach a team that would, and I'm from the, I'm from the streets. I'm for the streets. I think what I was coming through, like, the way I was taught was when you ask for a suggestion, you always say, and this is coming from teachers. put the Goodfellas improv music behind this? When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an improvising.

You always say, can I get a suggestion of anything at all? That's what you say. Can I get a suggestion of anything at all? And then people will say what they say. But I was coaching a team, and they were quite good. But they would always start their shows. And they'd be like, can I get a suggestion of something you would find in a kitchen drawer? And people would be like, spatula.

And then next show, can I get something you find in a kitchen drawer? Spatula. And they go, we've had spatula. What else? And people would be like, whisk. Were they called kitchen drawer? Why were they? No.

And then next show would be like, can we get something in a kitchen drawer? And people would be spatula and it'd be like, we've had that recently. Whisk? We've had that recently. Dilda. Like, and eventually I was like, I think maybe we asked for a broader whatever. And they're like, well, I like the specificity of whatever. And so I'm like, well, you have to change it up or something.

So they'd be like, can we get something you'd find in a purse? And people would be like, billful. And then the next show, can we get something in a purse? billfold and I'm like you have to what I would do is can we get a suggestion of anything at all that is not food because that's always such a hard starting point I think eventually a lot of people move to the

if not food you know what I've been loving doing is Olivia Nielsen and I at Quality Time in Los Angeles the show that we host we will get a suggestion of a song that people have been listening to a lot lately that isn't like in the it's like a classic way to do it and then we just let a minute of that song play and do some object work and go into it I think it's my favorite

way to get a suggestion. I used to love that. I think that was an improv thing that you did in a rehearsal once, where you just have a playlist of songs and you play like the first 30 seconds of a song and have people do a scene silently and then you turn the song off and let the scene start. Pop into it.

Yeah, that's fun. Our get was always for LaDog was could get a suggestion of something you'd like to hear a poem about? Yeah, that was a really great because it's both specific and it's like any. People are going to be more thoughtful. Anything. We wanted one that would make people think for one second because I think that's what you want you if you say anything at all

sometimes people yell dildo and I'm of the mind that you don't have to take the first thing that you hear if someone sells dildo you can say no and then you just move on to like something else but but I yeah we were trying to think of something that was broad but also made people like pause a little yeah and would like ruin like the people that would not everybody does this but people who come to an improv show being like I'm going to yell out this thing I as soon as they ask for anything, I'm going to yell at this thing. There are people who maybe recently learned a word and they want to be like, Occidental. And then you're like, Occidental. Thank you. We all know what that is. But for anyone who doesn't know, what is Occidental? And they'd be like, I don't know.

I've improvised with this improvising new Marcus Howgren for many years. And he would always exclusively yell out haunted painting. Haunted fucking painting. Wait, who is this? Marcus Howgan. That makes sense. It ruined. It ruined Slaghan. It ruined Slavis. Ash gave the best summer of my life is when everyone else started doing that too. Yeah. I saw so many haunted painting shows and they were all incredible. You would go to other shows and he wouldn't be there and people would yell out haunted painting. And it's just like there's a thing about improv where, you know, if you're doing it at like a big stage, you're doing it for the paying audience.

But a lot of times when you're starting out in Chicago, you're doing it for the other people in the room. There's three teams booked and the only people that are here are like someone's girlfriend who, God bless her is like doing her best, you know, to come to every one of these improv shows. and like maybe one sleeping person and that's the audience and you're just doing it for you in the room so it's like you can yell at haunted painting and ruin that show but like summer of 2016

best summer of my life haunted painting summer I'm not even kidding it was hit after hit after hit yeah I I think that that poem one is really helpful because anytime people yell at a suggestion other than times when they're trying to just yell at a vocab word

it's always a noun and I think that like young improvisers can fall into a trap about talking about a thing at the beginning of a scene. Yes. And poems sometimes are about like love or like an idea.

A concept. And that's a little bit easier. But I... Exploring a theme versus showing a thing. When I coach and teach, I will stop any scene because I'm like, this is just bad to do in practice.

And seasoned improvisers that have been on a team for a while can manage this. But I'm like, you cannot have your initiation be about an object. Yeah. It can't be like, this is a nice car. And we do it like, cue the montage we can play for me initiating scenes like that on the show.

But I think like on stage, it's just so hard to, you have to start the scene over at like 30 seconds if you start talking about a dildo. Yeah. And I've always maintained that I'm a bad improviser. When I would teach classes and I'd be like, what shows do people see? And someone would be like, I went to your show. I'd say, well, you've ruined it. You've ruined your chances. We don't tattle on me.

You're not going to be an improviser, are you? No. You're not going to have the juice. But GPC, I'd argue that you are a great improviser. You just have no interest in following any single improv rule. You have just no interest in the art form. Yeah, you're right. I have no interest in the art form.

I saw you in the audience and I purposely was trying to teach you a lesson of what not to do. But when you were like, I feel like you can teach, like, you're like if Picasso took fucking like real art classes to like become like a realist. Like I feel like you at 15 you were learning all these roles. and now you're like, well, now I want to break them. There was a time where I cared deeply about improv, but it was so long ago it's hard to even remember that person. Well, let's, speaking of breaks, let's take a break. That's great.

That's a perfect segue. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good.

All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. And we host the show, what's our podcast here on HeadGum? This podcast. is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like your skateboarding through the internet or you're like you're surfing through the web.

Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. I like that it's all in one place. I know, I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just on my website. Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a, do I need another? type of website to like find the right pictures or like another type of website to upload the it's all in one place.

The video or the audio or like no I want it makes it easy make it easy on me please. Yes so you can do all those things photos videos changing fonts you know I mean the designs are amazing they're catering to all your different needs there are SEO tools which I know what those are and they're custom domains.

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slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it. Okay. I can be a letter, a person, or a quality.

What am I? No fucking way. We didn't do this one. We didn't joke. I can be a letter, a person, or equality. What am I? And it's not my friend K? Every kiss begins with K.

Yeah, equality like I'm K. All right, let's do this. Wait, is it one of the 26 letters of the standard definition alphabet? Envelope. It's not, but in a way it is. Okay, okay. A vowel. They all fall under a certain umbrella, which is this word.

Consonant. Constance, Constance, Constance. And it's a letter. I can be a letter, a person, or a quality. Hmm. So it's like a person. A person would be like someone's name. Like this would be like a first name.

No. Yeah, we can say what was, um, uh, fuck, uh, Jeff Dan, not Jeff Daniels. Jeff Bridges? Jeff Bridges. Okay. So Jeff Bridges, of course. You're talking about Obadiastain? Obadiastain.

So you might say that Jeff Bridges played. A A man Obedice Dane is a Character There you go Okay A character

A character A letter or person or equality Is a character So the alphabet each I mean it's like characters You're writing with They're characters Yeah for sure

I would like to This is not really a scene But I am gonna put I don't have my phone Casey can you put like two Two minutes On the clock Okay

And you guys are gonna go back and forth And you're gonna pitch me sitcom ideas, but all the characters have to be letters of the alphabet. Oh, this should be fun for you. Okay. So, and then I will decide the winner at the end. It's sitcom ideas, but all the characters? So you like, you can, you can pitch one and I can green light it or red light it.

And then whoever got the most through with me. Okay, okay. And who would like to go first? I'll go first. Fantastic. And that's starting now. And I don't think I understand. I think you guys.

So what we're talking about is A. so it's like an A hole. So it's a A with a hole in it, and he's a real, like, asshole. He's a real asshole. Hates his kids. Hates his life. And it's a solo show. It's like last man on Earth.

It's a show called. It's called What's a Mata You? Greenlight. Okay. So this is... Slating forward. H and J. Okay.

And they have to live together an apartment. And H is so straight-laced and J is an absolute mess. That's the odd couple. Is there no hand jobs? Light. It could be hand jobs. It's a network show, but it could be hand jobs. So this is M&N and they're twins, but one of them is like always tired.

And the other one is always tired. Green light. Okay, great. So this show I've got for you, it's S and M. And basically what this is, is a show set in a, it's kind of like upstairs, downstairs, but with a bondage house. Green light Great

So this is Q Z And what it is Is Q is sort of like a real horn dog And Z is like a real horn dog No Q is approved we all know that red light Okay this show is called P B and J And it's about Green light

Please can we be done I'm done about Okay so this show is called M-E-R-C-Y and it's about Cheerleaders Please let us stuff Aaron is this what you wanted Yes

We're doing the thing that you wanted Yeah except I wanted you to have a good attitude about it You do one I want to make sure that I understand what I'm supposed to be doing This is going to be called B-U-Tifel And it's about the B and the U are like girls in high school that have really low confidence And then they meet each other

and they are trying to build each other up at letter high school. Great. That's a perfect example. Green line. It was doing it exactly wrong. Everything I did was wrong. That was the correct tiplet. Oh, and we're out of time.

It looks like I lost some friends today. You got your green light. I think you got more green lights than I got. I think Adel won. Oh, yeah. If we're counting who got the most score. We solved that. Hey, we solved that.

Great job, us. Right? Yes. I have no idea what... You said character. Yes, this, yes. Yeah, I think you pretty much led me right to it. But I ate character out of your hand that I appreciate.

I led you to Obadiah, Springfield, or whatever. You can roll me, but I'm not round. I'm a plate. Joint. That's a very good guess. Cigarette. A good guess as well. You can roll me, but I'm not round.

I'm a plate, but you can't eat off me. I can be found indoors, but seen outside. What am I? Is this like a tectonic? plate like a car no you can't really see like a wheel Aaron you're you're very warm warm warm warm with a car you can roll me but I'm not round I'm a plate but you can't eat off me I can be found indoors but seen outside and it's and car is you're on the money but just something something more not train stick with car I guess trains have cars of course um car and it is it a part

of a car is a part of a car but you can You can be found inside, but you can see it outside? A wheel? I can be found indoors but seen outside. Hearing well. Found indoors. It's like riddle language. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can roll me, but I'm not round. So it's not a wheel because a wheel's round. I'm a plate, but you can't eat off me. I can be found indoors, but seen outside. Is it a dashboard? Do they call it a brake plate? No, they call it a brake pad. A plate that you can't eat off of.

And again, this is very riddle. A rear view mirror? A mirror? No. You're, you're, this is getting a little bit closer. Uh, Aaron, you're blazing hot. Wind. Um, a windshield?

But, uh, is a plate? But there's one part of this you can't, that doesn't work for this. You can roll me, but I'm not round. So think of a windshield, but a windshield you could roll. Oh, uh, uh, uh, car window. A car window. You can roll me, but I'm not round. So roll up the windows, roll up the windows.

Roll up the windows. I'm a plate, but you can't eat off me, glass plate. I can be found indoors, but seen outside. This is actually one of the best riddles we've had in a while. That one's rocks. But it's also like... Isn't it crazy that people still... Do people still say roll up the windows?

They do. They must still say, right? But we all grew up in an era where you literally rolled up the windows. Isn't there like a term for the language of that? That it's like an old version of that thing that we still use that term. There's a term for that. Yeah, yeah. But we...

Yeah, but certainly... And we'll put that on the screen below. We'll look that up and we'll put that on the screen below. Because you say dial a number and dial used to be like a... circular, like a radial action. And dial, we just push a pad now and we say dial. Everything mechanical has been like eviscerated from our lives and that we just have like touch screens that are, you know, built to fail.

Like as soon as the touchscreen fails, like you can't just crank it anymore. You know, it's like every. Well, you can crank it. You can crank it. I can crank it to a touchscreen. Save icons on those touch screens are still floppy disks. Yeah. And like the, you know, kids have normal.

idea what that even is. It's a disc that is not turned on. We still say turn off our phones, but they're always listening. That's true. We still say vote for president, but we all know that doesn't matter anymore. Whatever makes sense. Whatever makes sense. Whatever makes sense.

It's so good. I'll never get over. I'd like to see a scene. Okay. Aaron, you are a kid in the backseat of a car. And your parents are inside shopping and you kind of left alone in the car. JPC, you're a guy walking by. And Aaron, you're sort of like haranguing this guy

and then rolling up the window whenever he tries to yell back at you. Great. Hey. Hey. Oh, do you need help? Dumb face. I'm sorry? Dumb face.

Hey, you can't talk to me. I saw you crying in your car. Girl or job are both. Girl, our job are both Uh Uh, girl I mean Shut up

You can't talk You can't tell me to shut up I'm a kid Excuse me, I'm a kid in a booster seat It's not a car seat I just get a little I just am a little higher up Yeah you look old but short

I'm a kid Well you look like an old short kid So fuck you You know a thing or two about being a short I wouldn't say king I'd say sad sack Hey you know what You're, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope that. I'm sorry.

Okay, got that on film. What, what do you mean film? I have my little iPad here. Fuck. I'm an iPad kid. If you can believe it. Well, you know what? When you, if, don't post that, please.

It's too late. It's too late. You've posted it? I found your LinkedIn. I found your LinkedIn. It was both. It was girl and job, huh? You just got fired.

End date. Yeah, I got fired by my boss who I was in love with, if you must know. Are you going to buy a sheetcake? You know what I'm going to do? A kid in a car who's being such a little punk? I'm just a baby. You're not a baby. I'm just a baby in the car.

You're not a baby. You're an old short kid. No, I'm just a baby in a car. I'm going to. Oh my God. This guy's trying to kidnap me. In today's news, a man at a supermarket told a baby to die. have the baby here with us baby how are you doing you booked me you booked me oh she couldn't tell the

difference oh my god you couldn't tell the difference between me a baby and you a guy who used to work at this new station while i'm here would you like to be my baby yeah okay what i see oh sure i saw a video today that was so cute of this kid who I think had ran into a glass door. I love that. And he was getting on an elevator and he was going like this, like putting his hand up, getting on the elevator. He was been hurt before. He has PTSD from running into a glass door. It's so cute.

He's running into a glass door. Yikes. Kids can go right through those things. That sounds very cute. Is it better than the kid who gets kicked in the stomach by a robot? No, not that I will let you know when it crosses my desk. You will literally be. wake you up if I have a video better than that. It's the internet. I see that every time I

close my eyes. It's a problem. I want can you guys get a house phone because I would love to call. Justin's stuff like that's really important. Just stuff like that. New robot video dropped. I'm sorry. Maybe it's the bat phone. When it rings, I got to take it. Okay. It just means an awesome internet video has hit the internet. My commissioner Gordon is out there looking for the Joker. And you know what I'm saying? Yeah, she's an idiot. My wife divorces. be so fast so fast adapters or can you like plug something into your iPhone that's like a coil like a old-timey cord i knew somebody who had that can we just do that so that because that used to be so fun to like wrap your finger on i want one but it's an old-timey phone where you have the

the talk piece up by your mouth in the ear that would be fun and do your shoulder like you're in a towel and you're like doing the yeah i bet i bet they make like iPhone like wired headphones that are just an old-timey cord that is too like a headset or something like that that would be so funny to be like No, I'm actually just listening to Spotify. It looks like I'm on a phone call in the kitchen from the 1990s, but I'm listening to Spotify. On a terrible speaker. Yeah. What are, my brain can't think of any words today.

What is the job where you would unplug operator? Operator, like a phone operator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we have to go back to that. Sure. I think that if you really want to call someone, text, you can text some people like normal, but you have to talk to a woman on the phone. And you go, can I call?

I don't want to bother my friend, Dave. This is not worth it. I would like to see a scene. They were listening in on those conversations when they were plugging you in. Our phones listened to us anyway. It's just not people doing it anymore, right? I'd rather it's a woman than AI. A chic woman going out into the workforce.

I would like to see a scene, Aaron. You are one of those old-timey operators who do the manual sort of plug-in play. And JPC and I will play a variety of callers. Hello, operator speaking. How can I connect you? Yes, Philadelphia, please. Hmm, all right, the cream cheese or the city? Cream cheese.

All right, I'll connect you. I found a rat in my tub. Your cream cheese tub or your regular tub? Bat tub. All right, that's a different call. I will connect you to the little end here. I'd like to be connected to the hospital, please. Uh, which one?

Um, well, the one my wife sat having the baby. I'm on a five-minute cigar break from cigar club. I thought I'd just check in on how things are going. Uh, let me call her. Okay, a woman talking to a woman on the phone. Interesting, a novel idea. Hello, are you about to have a baby? Yes.

Uh, your husband is at Cigar Club? No, don't tell him out, Zagar Club. And he didn't want to come to the birth. I'd say cut them loose. Can you tell them? Why am I always doing breakup? I'm Denise. You always find yourself in the middle of these things.

How is she? She doesn't want to see you anymore. Good. Click. Oh. See. I'm free. I think that that is a plot. My affairs just became the normal sex.

Is an operator falls in love with a guy that makes a lot of phone calls. Whoa. Wait, what is this? A nice period piece? No, I think it's a premise of, I think it's called bells are ringing. I think that's the premise of a musical. Interesting.

Which is like an operator falls in love with a guy's voice over the phone. It's very, you've got mail. Oh, yeah. Because they just don't, she doesn't know what do you look. like she just is like I think he and I think he called from a hotel room well what's he calling about watch this I don't know I don't know I don't know jemma is very into I can remember if it's a musical or just a play she's very into a thing called daddy long legs it's maybe like two people in Nicholas Cage movie it's like do people writing letters back and forth or something

I don't but she's always like we have to watch daddy long legs I want you to see it and I'm it always like it's a movie we don't know it's a thing theatrical performance, but I think we, on Broadway HD, they have like a pro shot Oh, cool, okay. Yeah. But I'll check it out. Anytime I hear it, I'm just like, look, no. And then I'm like, wait, this is a performance. It has nothing to do with spiders.

Sounds creepy crawly. I gotta say, Daddy Longlegs one of my top ten least favorite types of spiders. They just don't make sense. I do a terrible name. I don't make sense. I don't, like, they don't like, I don't hate them. I just see them and I'm like, it's too much legs with these guys. It's just too much legs with these guys. Let's get the proportions

in line, okay? Aaron, you hate the name? Can we workshop some new... You're right. What's better than daddy long legs? Let's slow down for a second. Let's just pretend we're aliens. We've come to this planet. This is our first day. Let's try to

just read with fresh eyes. Take me to your spiders. Exactly. Fresh eyes. There's these things that exist. They're called spiders. They have eight eyes. Something like that. Eight legs. Something like that. And they make webs. They live. They live. webs and they catch that's already pretty horrifying okay yeah all right there's let we're coming up with names with them

we've named one of these daddy long legs yeah we need we as a species so I know what to call them Casey daddy long legs just gonna say just because a user will say this daddy long legs are technically non spiders just named them they're technically crustaceans or whatever the heck you I'm protecting you from what people are actually the most poisonous oh then the name's actually cool and normal then

Oh, shit or something else. They're actually been in a stop poisedness. I think Zapp. We use our lasers on Casey. Zapp. The reason that you say daddy long legs when you see daddy long legs is the first time you see one of those, you go, Daddy Long Legs. What is that? Look at the getaway sticks on that.

Not spider. Here we go. Mommy Long Legs is awesome. If you're going to cat call me, call me that. Kathleen Turner, Mommy Long Legs. What is a Daddy Longlegs? What is a Daddy Long Legs? Long legs are, I don't know,

I don't know the technical thing, but they have six legs, not eight legs, yeah. Fascinating. Yeah. It's like a spider varietal. Yeah, they're not a right. Notes of Daddy Longweig. I do not want your wine. I do not want to try your wine. You don't want spider wine, Aaron, you simply must.

You don't want spider wine. All right, well, don't come crawling back to the cops are here. Out front or back. Both? Okay. Okay. Some want to drink the wine. and some want to arrest you.

You knew about the front and you knew about the back. I got caught. Whatever. Whatever. I can make spider wine in jail, baby. Toilet spider wine? Oh, some of my favorite words. You can't stop me because I know the recipe. You're going to have to take my whole brain out if you want me to ever stop making it.

The eggs give the flavor. And there's spiders everywhere, so you can make spider wine wherever you go. Oh, the wine's made of spiders, so it's not a wine for spiders. That's what you think, dumbass. It's both. Yuck. For us, buy us. That's beautiful.

It's been a long day. Yeah, Spider Wine is Spiders Fubu. Spider Wine, kiss that girl. Spider Wine, kiss that girl. Spider wine, kiss that girl, Spider Wine. They're putting me an Arkham Asylum next to the Joker, the Red Lair, and I'm like, yeah, I'm just like you guys have spider wine. I'm just as good. They're crying.

and they decide to change. We're just as evil. We're all just as evil. No, I'm not like this guy. I'm better than him. And I don't even want to get the Batman. I want to give him some Spider-Wine, but I only want to give everybody's Spider-Wat.

He's like, what's your thing? You're like, Spider-Wine. He's like, are you going to put up your hands and protect your face? No. Spider-Wine. Don't need my face to make Spider-Wine. So sorry. This whole thing is he just makes Spider-Wine.

Don't even eat my hands. wink make it with my ass I make it with my ass Hey this is this place is for Batman villains Like we all like to fight the Batman Sure I like to fight the Batman I like to make Spider-Wine We're all saying the same thing

No we're not we're focused on destroying Batman And you don't have a layer You live at 5428 chestnut Blink that out Casey And you I don't want people coming to my house Trying to get the Spider-Wine Oh but you're like a Marvel villain

You want to kill Spider-Man? There's a who? Oh no There's a what? Butter wine Spider-Wine, kiss that girl. Don't have anything for kiss that girl. Just for Spider-Wine.

Yeah, of course. Kiss of the spider-wine. Yeah, kiss the spider-wine. Okay, let's move on. What are you saying? To a different riddle. Yeah, maybe another riddle. Maybe at least one more.

Let's do one more. Okay. I don't want Aaron He famously said What? Where's that coming from? Oh, there's a spider at the table

It's drinking a little glass of wine Is there a spider at the table? Now can spiders drink spider wine Even if it's made of spiders? Sure, why not? They can have whatever they want. I believe in them. I have five rings and zero fingers.

I'm not a planet But I represent one. What am I? Oh A globe Casey might know I have five rings and zero fingers I'm on the planet

but I represent one The Olympic rings Aaron you got it The Olympic logos Jimmy Hendricks Jimmy Hendricks It's really good Heavy on the Wawa

I'm trying to fix this. How do we make this better? Casey. Daddy long legs are spiders. Shut the fire. What? Really? Yes, this is the family of aren'tomorph spiders. But it does say that the name Daddy Longlegs is used for several species, especially the spider,

but is also the common name for several other arthropod groups, including Harvestman and Craneflies. Let me see the photos of which wrong. So, I mean, there's probably a lot of other things that just are things that have long legs that are not daddy long legs. Like someone told me or my dad told me recently that everything that I've seen in Illinois that I'm like, oh, that's a chipmunk. He's like, no, that's a ground squirrel. We don't have chipmunks in Illinois. And I'm like, what? And I looked it up and I was like, motherfucker.

That's a ground squirrel. I always thought a ground squirrel and a chipmunk were the same things. Yeah. What's the difference? I don't know. One's called a ground squirrel and one's called a chipmunk. I don't fucking know. I'm not my dad.

Okay. But like this thing, do you see that thing? Would you say that's a chipmunk? That's a ground squirrel. That's a ground squirrel. It's a prairie dog. No, adult. The bottom left, that's a prairie dog.

That might be a prairie dog. But this one, this is this guy. Okay, that's a chipmong. Does that not look like a chipmunk? What is it a chitmunk? I don't know. This is a ground squirrel. It's not I got Jim Chitmunk.

I don't know. I haven't done my research, guys. My dad said, when your dad tells you that's not a ground squirrel, it's a chipmunk, you just say, yeah. why would I ever have to fucking know that? Of course, I don't know. My point is, one of the stupidest fucking guys

you'll ever be in your entire life. And I'm fine with that. I'm comfortable. Finally, he said it. How many episodes in are we? 420 something? I shit my pants just like everybody else. One leg at a time.

Guys. Can I say hot dogs or just, do people need to plug anything? No, I'm good. No, I'm good. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hey, listen to gutter. My podcast gutter.

super highly produced actual play comedy role plane podcast recorded in this room on these microphones an honor to sit in these very soon so can you tell me for sure does gutter have riffs as good as Spider-Wine Kiss That Girl? Yes I would say there are at least a couple rifts as good as Spider-Wine Kissed

Casey insert some hesitation before you answer that That's so funny Because he almost talked over JPCS I love that he thought about it. He did not just give me his yes-mean answer. He went back when he was like... Yeah, no, I had given an honest answer. Yeah, something Mike McDowell has said is as good as Spider-Wine.

Speaking of Spider-Wine, should we go get some Spider-Wine at Happy Hour? Okay. I don't know. Spider-Wine with our Jenny's key lime pie ice cream. Okay. It's 4 o'clock somewhere. Huh? It was 4 o'clock here.

4 o'clock. 4 o'clock. 4 o'clock is Spider-Wine o'clock. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's a full hour before. You can drink alcohol Yeah Yeah

Spider wine Because there's no Alcohol and spider wine What? Oh God Oh yeah What makes it red? Alcohol is red

Right You don't want Danza too I'll tell you What is red Hot dogs You don't have Your powers

You don't have the Board in front of you I know Powers In the board Starring Aaron Chief And John Patrick

Call Casey Tony to be editing Now are he parents Let me have spider wine stuck in my head all day, you jerk. Oh, I'm going to have a clue. Hey there, eggs and affirmations.

If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We dust off an old chestnut and go back to some buzzfeed quizzes. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Soch hey, riddle, rental, by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a hate gum podcast.