Hey Riddle Riddle - #423: Melissa Pepperfingers

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

This episode has everything! We ponder the best job a goose could get and we play Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Plus, our friend Sandy stops by with one of his classic segments! If you aren't playing raddle.quest yet, what the hell is wrong with you?!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifGuest Starring:Sandor WeiszEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Yarr, come hither, J.P.C. And let me tell you about tales from the Stinky Dragon, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast. Oh, a Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast. That sounds pretty fun, and I know a little something about that. Kind of do something similar. Do D&D shows have pirates?

Um, yeah, they can. They can be anything. They could be anything. And what Tales from The Stinky Dragon is, is an award-winning D&D comedy podcast hosted by an all-star team of writers, comedians, and voice actors. You can join along for an auditory adventure with immersive sound design, an original score, and gripping stories set in a fantasy world, and it's suitable for all ages, unlike anything I've ever done, yet full of complex characters that make you laugh and cry.

This podcast needs to be experienced by everyone, whether you're a season D&D player or someone completely new to the genre. And you're going to love it if you enjoy shows like Critical Role. roll, the Adventure Zone, Dungeons and Daddies, or hello from the Magic Tavern. I haven't heard of that one. You will love Tales from the Stinky Dragon. So discover why Tales from the Stinky Dragon continuously stands out among so many D&D shows. The hype is real.

Check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon anywhere you listen to podcasts or on YouTube.com slash at Stinky Dragon. That's Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Walk the Stank. That's good. Because Stinky, because Stinky. Yeah. And the Planky is stinky.

How did it get Sinky? Oh, also, Aaron jumped and floated away to space. Yard. Yard. Bark, park, park, JBC, me hungry. Adel, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food. That's fine.

Okay. I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use. Dolly dog food. Rough rows. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I got to say, Adel, you can eat it.

I don't think you're going to like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs. It just looks and sounds so good. Also, with Ollie, you don't just get food through their app. You can actually check in on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture of your dog, not of your Adel. their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, coat, all because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be.

I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adel. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ali. I tried it out.

My dog spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ali. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs. I don't know if you heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's a type of dog who you can put the food in her bowl, and then she'll just, like, see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner at about 4 o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey, man, get the Olly out of the French, put it in the bowl, dude. You've got to be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it, and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed.

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Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones of them. backyard and by bones i mean erin let me go dig her up oh boy ollie feed the obsession a reddine keith what have you baked for us today well um i decided to do my grandmother's apple crumble what the fuck hold on and what the fuck you're from america my card says that you're from America. Oh, I just figured when in Rome, sort of lean into the energy of the show, my grandmother's apple crumble, it's a savory dessert, it's better in my family's history for 600 years. Can't possibly be. It is a very savory crust. Are you making fun of us? Are you making fun of

the way we talk? Me? Yes, you? Am I making fun of the way you talk? Okay, let me. Okay, let me. Let me try. Let me try. Okay. Okay, fuck, it's delicious. That's really fucking delicious. T. 6 years old, fuck.

Bon, Papa, Ta. Ah, you win. Adlerophy, what have you baked for us? Well, you just said she won, so it doesn't make sense

for me to even introduce my bake, does it? You said, she won. I mean... She was first, there's still eight of us to go. You took one bite, and you said...

Yeah. You said she won. Fuck. I mean, okay, yes. I mean. What have you made? Let me just, let me try.

Yeah, Jesus, fucking Christ. It's like an Oreo, but it's like marmalade. It's an Oreo marmalade. Oh, God damn it. Oh, fuck. I called them Oreo. Yeah, of course. Of course.

Okay. Did you us have a name? Erin? Apple crumble. No, you win. Adel you win. What? You're the new winner.

Hell yeah. It looks down the line. hard choice to make. Here in the tent in the middle of England. Why are you doing that? I already made my choice. I got it wrong. You know, they punish us.

They punish us when we get it wrong. They come in, they knock them over the head with a rolling pin, they pull them out. They beat the shit out of Hollywood. You never speak up this again, do you? Is anyone going to try my gravy cake? Is no one going to try my gravy cake? Why? It's disgusting.

You didn't even try. You just poured gravy over a sheetcake you bought at a grocery store. I just poured gravy judge's heap cake. Judges were told not to try JPC's gravy cake for reasons unknown. And there's a second voice? Why is there two voices doing the thing? Speaking of two voices, I got to give a big shout out to my two favorite voices. Adler Fye, Aaron Keefe, I'm JPC.

This is Hey, Redder, Reddle. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to the podcast. The podcast. Welcome to the podcast. Yeah. Does the sound of my voice irritate you guys after all these years?

The fuck. Does it trigger your fight or flight? Does it feel like you're about to have to do riddles every time you hear my voice? No. Don't fall into this. No, fall into the trap. I think women.

There you go. I think women. Aaron, would you ever do, and here's the thing, I don't even know if this is still a thing. Would you ever do an on-star narration. Does that make sense? Is that the car, a talking car thing?

Yes, but they used to have a thing. At some point, I feel like Hollow from the Magic Tavern was going to do our characters doing OnStar. And I forget how it works where I don't know if it's like you have to say 400 different syllables or something and then they can cobble it together. But it's so that if I have a, you know, 2018 Lincoln Continental, Aaron, I can turn on OnStar, and you go, hi, it's Aaron Keefe. Oh, yeah. 100%. I will do that. It will be so stressful.

I will make it feel like you're driving with your mom who has a stress response to driving in the car. I'd be like, look out. Oh, my God, sorry. Don't merge it to the highway. You're faster. I feel like I remember, like, did Samuel Jackson do one of those? I feel like there was like a smattering of celebrities with great voices that decided to

make money doing very little effort. You know how like we used to be able to download like ringtones and text tones pretty easily and everyone had like a different ring tone for different people who called them. Well, you can do that. And you were saying this used to be a nation, right? Aaron, you were saying this used to be a country? This used to be a country before woke.

But I've seen people who have fancy new cars are downloading audio sounds to have it be like when they turn on the car, a quote from something turns on. Whoa. Like I saw a woman who has the like the magic school bus like buckle your seatbelt sound whenever her car turns on. So what if we gave some people, some options from Hey Riddle Riddle that they could download and then have it have it be the sound when your car turns on? Oh, if only we had a way to isolate some sound bites of some options of things that people could say.

Forget it. I'm going to kill you. That's so scary Your car turns on I'm gonna kill you Your car turns on and Leapace Massaging Soup into Jake Jalenhall's mouth Okay

I should buckle up Yeah I should buckle up because I don't want that to be the last sound That I ever hear I'm a getty the spaghetti And I'ma eat it in one sitting Oh no, that's a new one. Oh, no, I don't like that at all.

Casey was that, Hugh? Sirps up, my guy, 100%. Casey gets to have a little fun. Everyone is about to. Can we make a car horn the Howard Dean scream? Do we have that technology? That would cure road rage. My car that I've had since 2019, maybe, 2018 or 2019.

It's very few things have gone. on wrong mechanically with it, but do you guys remember, like, in the pandemic during, like, the Black Lives Matter protests, people who still, like, were concerned about the virus because there was, like, not a lot of information in that summer. They did a lot of, like, car protests where, like, you would get in your car and do, like, a long line of cars, and, like, people were, like, honking their horns. I, my wife and a couple of friends, everybody masked up, did one of those car protests, and we, like, drove down and we were in the car, long led of cars, and I was honking the horn, and the horn did that thing where it went like, and then it just stopped working. So, like, the horn died.

Like, it ran out of horn juice, like, mid-protest. And then I was like, oh, no, this is like, this is embarrassing because what if people think that, like, I'm not a guy who is choosing to be here. I'm just a guy who's like, oh, can you believe this? I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this protest. Like, why are you not hucking your horn? Everyone around you is hucking your horn. So I had to get it like a horn replacement. The horn replacement, I was like, this is got to be like $100, right?

Can we guess? Yeah, please. Please. It would be outrageous to me if it was $300. Okay. Adel dee. And, Aaron, you know, because you've recently have had a car that has had... It got absolutely destroyed.

Yeah. I still don't have it back. Okay. Let's want to guess the amount that it costs and more what you ended up doing, which is just put a goose under your hood. Truly, after I heard how much it cost, I did think, do I need a horn? Like, is there a safety issue? No one ever uses the horn for any good reason. Do I need a horn?

$650 I paid to replace that horn. But when it died. I ran into that goose at a bar out of him. And he just looked really worse for wear. He's just crying over a glass of whiskey, being like, I fucking hate my job. I didn't wear the goose. Whoever saying I wore the goose is, that's not true. I did it.

It's a living. We're going to find you a new job, Greg. Come on. Come on. Greg loves what he does. I did it. I'm getting it replaced. But before I heard how much it was, I did, I was briefly considering, like, what

if I got one of those, like, comic horns? like Makukurach or something. Godfather the theme or something. God-paw the theme. But what I was going to do is I was going to get that, but not tell Mariah about it. So the first time she went to like honk the horn when she was driving the car by herself, she was like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. You know, it's just like.

I thought that would be very funny. I ended up doing it. How much did it cost? $6.50. That's awful. Yeah. Also, recently I took my car in because the key fob stopped locking like the front door. And again, I took it into like a repair shop.

And it was $570 to get my front door to lock again. And I was like, oh boy, like this is just, I was like doing the math on how much the car costs. And I was like, okay, so it's like 8% of the car is the front door locking. That's like how the math works out on like what the breakdown is here. Key Fob and Horn is a grand. Yeah, that's... Yikes. So it's like, when you buy a car for $10,000, you know.

12% of the value is horn. Just like a Ryan. The sweet siren song of moving to New York at some point. Like, I'm just feeling the urge to for so many reasons. And... Mom Danny. Mom Danny. Zaran Mandani.

But I... One of the reasons is like the cost of paying for a car plus car insurance is so crazy. Yeah. is so crazy. And then also, everyone is so bad at driving in L.A. that people are constantly like, I think Riley's car has gotten swiped or scratched or dented three times in the last like couple weeks.

Like, it's just not worth it. I would, I'd be saving so much money if I lived in New York, which is such a crazy thing. I have friends who pay for, who live in New York, who pay for like a parking garage or spot. And it's about the cost of rent. Yeah, it's crazy. What are we doing?

That stuff is truly wild. Yeah. Well? Recently, I did the thing that I do every year. And I'm... Celebrate Christmas? I recently did it. I like to get it all done in the summer.

You know, Christmas is July, baby. Get it out of the way. Yeah. Well, you know, well, people aren't expecting the gifts. Yeah. But I would get in the mail a document from my home insurance and a car insurance company saying, hey, guess what? We're about to, we're about to bend you over.

and absolutely rim you down, Daddy. We're going to take everything that we could get. Because they, you know, like clockwork insurance, is like, hey, why don't we just charge this guy 500 more dollars? And everyone in the boardroom is like, yeah, sure, what's he going to do about it? So I do the thing where I like call and price shop and compare and, you know, whatever. Some things are impossible to cancel.

But when you call up your current insurance company and say, hey, I'm canceling my insurance. And they're like, yeah, why? And I'm like, because I got a much better price from someone who hasn't fucked me yet but will fuck me next year. And they're always just like, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Of course. Of course, you know what we're doing to you.

We know what you're doing to you. And it's okay that you leave because you'll be back and we'll get you again. So run, Mom, Danny. It's so dehumanizing. We don't really own anything anymore, huh? No. Anyways. But for $5 a month, you can still get the new.

Caterallor thinking problems. Well, Aaron, we own all of our PS5 games, and that's not going away, right? Do we? No, Aaron, we know. Something in the news? Classically, we do not. When does that go into effect? That it's only, I feel like, is it PS5 or is it all systems where it's like all digital?

It's like, it's your PS3 games or something that you own on PS5. Like, they're all getting deprecated or. Oh, I thought PS5 games, because I went to like pre-order Wolverine, and I thought there's something where it was like, Yes, they're not selling hard copy anymore. I think it's all, they're moving to all digital. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun. It's also fun.

Isn't it the world fun? But before we get into Reynolds, I actually wanted to talk to you guys about something really fun that has happened, that happened to me recently. And I wanted to ask you guys because I think it's happened to me once before in my life, but I was so surprised this time. Have you guys ever had pepper fingers? What are you talking about? Okay, Erin, this feels like a trap.

Okay, what is he setting us up for? Okay, is this going to be like, have your head pepper fingers? And we go like, is that an appetizer? And he's like, no, Melissa Pepperfingers. Yeah. Like it's going to be a name or something. Melissa Pepperfingers. Oh, the one that got away.

She's going to try to get us to say. Pepper fingers. Melissa Pepper fingers. All right, what is this? So it's the thing when you're like cutting like a spicy pepper and you get it on your hand, but you whatever it like once the pepper oil mixes with your like finger oil it doesn't unmix so like even washing your hand it doesn't matter you're still going to get like a burn on your hand like a chemical burn ever have sex after doing that me neither well me neither man my hand burns time to rub this down on genitalia but no recently i was i was cooking pabloano peppers which are not like spicy peppers. No.

But I was doing that thing where, like, you, like, burn them on your stove, uh, just on the burner. Like, you don't, not in a pan or anything, blacken them and then, like, strip them of the, the pepper pods or the seed pods. Uh, but I got from a pabloa, Poblano, the worst case of pepper fingers. And it lasted, I kid you not, like four hours where, and I was like going online to be like, is this normal? How long does this last? And people are like, sometimes it can last up to two days.

And it does this thing where you'll. feel fine and you're like oh the fingers they finally stopped burning and then 20 minutes later it just comes back like full force they're like hey we found a new pocket of pepper in your fingers and now it's just back to burning I love the idea of like

you're just kind of a low tier X men now we'll probably never use you pepper fingers but maybe there's like a small task where what's the case where they need me we're going to keep you on the bench we're going to keep you on the bench pepper fingers but I just like

I feel like try not to get your hopes up that you're going to be part of any major battle. It's probably going to be something around the campus that we use you for, pepper fingers. But like, we care about you. We're happy you're here, obviously, obviously. Eight years later, they're like, we need a distraction. Can you put in a contact? And your reaction is going to cause people to run towards you? We need to have someone lose interest.

Can you tell that story about how you got your fingers covered in not even spicy chili pepper? What's the solution? Do you put your hand in rice or something? What do they tell you to do? That's the best part. I did like all of the solutions. They were like soak your finger in vegetable oil. They were like used donned dish soap like the like or like the grease cutting dish soap, not like finger soap.

Use that. The nothing. Soap. Yeah, I clocked that as well. No. Oh, hold on. Someone's ringing my doorbell. I quit the podcast.

We found out where JPC's money is going. He's not only buying hand soap, he's also buying finger soap. I'm buying finger soap, and it's a specific soap for each finger. So I hate, it's like fucking hot dogs and hot dog buns where they sell the index finger soap in a 24 ounce. And then they sell the pinky finger soap in a 16 ounce. And I'm like, I'm running out of my soap. Actually, those are all divisible by eight. You could probably make that work if you get it to.

But no, there's nothing that you can do. They say, like, you know, grin and bear it. A sauna. Dumb motherfucker. What about if you go into a sauna and you sweat it out? I guess since it's a chemical burn, it like just keeps burning. Like there's not until the chemical reaction like goes away, there's not really anything you could do. Yeah, that's what I said for four hours when I was like, hey, this sucks.

Mm. I was trying to mitigate the pain for a while, but then eventually I was like, you know what? I'm just going to live with it. Now I just live with it until it goes away. And when it goes away, I'll feel good again. And that's marriage. That's marriage. Marriage is your wife being like, okay, still hurts.

Still can't really do the dishes because your chemical burn hurts. Okay. That makes sense. I guess you are technically injured. So that's marriage. And we love it. And I'm guessing that besides Aaron who fucked a pepper or whatever she said, you guys have never. I did not say that.

I said I made love to a pepper. Hey. What type, Aaron? Um, what's the funniest one to say? We'll go over to my comedy whiteboard. Let's see. One that was just wearing a sock over his cock. Yeah, I can do that.

Pickle pepper. Anthony Kittis. Pepper from Iron Man. I could write that down. Pepper and. Would you believe there's a red hot chili pepper lyric that goes, I know, I know for show that life is beautiful around the world. Ding, ding, ding, ding dong, ding dong.

There's no way for me to fact check this. This is a real trust fall for me, okay? I'm going to believe you. But if I find out that that's not true and I say that at a party, you're toast. You're dead meat, pal. I'm going to punch you like you're a goose horn. I'm going to punch you over and over again

like you're a goose horn and I'm in traffic. Don't punch me like I'm a goose horn. Don't punch me like I'm a goose horn. I'm going to punch you like you're a goose horn. And pop. And pop. Squank, squank, squank. What I got to get to give it to you.

your mama? What I got to give it to your father? Red hot chili peppers, maybe. Give it away, give it away. Can I have some riddles, please? I'm very hungry. Starving even. You've been good, so you can have some riddles. And because you're very hungry and I love to support my hungry girl. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Adel? JPC? Oh, man, I'm here alone. I'm a little lonely.

need to worry, I can message my therapist on BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy that more than six million people have used globally. BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and a thousand hours of hands-on experiences. I like BetterHelp because I like being able to message my counselor anytime and have them get back to me with a timely, thoughtful response when I'm actually feeling that thing. BetterHelp has an average live therapy session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client session reviews. You can check it out yourself at betterhelp.com slash reviews to see amazing customer reviews in real time. If you're feeling lonely and you miss your outdle and your JPC, don't fret. Check out BetterHelp. See the reviews, see what stands out,

and see if BetterHelp is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com slash riddle. That's betterhelp.com slash riddle. Better help help.com slash riddle. Hey everybody, JPC here. And I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants. I love restauranteuring. I love going out to eat. But a lot of times because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up.

I don't like to put on airs. So I do eat out a lot of restaurants wearing a potato sack with armholes cut out. And not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack if I remember. But recently I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to talk about this. So I went to Quince because Quince is all about fewer better pieces.

their clothes are made with premium materials built to last and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes. Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra-soft organic cotton teas and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile timeless and transitioned seamlessly from casual workday to dinner out. I love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity.

I am so excited for fall because I will get to fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks, and they are scratchy and uncomfortable, and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quince has priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing quince has become my go-to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and travel must-haves.

Now, I know I said they have premium cookware, potato sacks are not cookware. I know it's because you cook and you wear it. But potato sacks are not something. You are not fine potato sacks at Quince. Do not even look. So upgrade your every day. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash riddle. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too.

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. And do not mention that you used to wear potato sacks to anyone ever. Well, guys, I got to go. I'm taking Square Bear, my new best friend, out to a very first friend out to a very fancy dinner because I saved a bunch of money using rocket money. Whoa. Shee honey? Uh, uh, French, uh, honey, dree?

French honey. Yeah, everyone would think hard on this. Uh, oh, the bear. Yes. Right? Isn't that what they call the one from the show or whatever? Yeah, that's fun, right? Because it's a bear. I've loved rocket money for so long.

It's an app that helps me find and cancel all my unwanted subscriptions. It monitors my spending all in one place. I've loved it forever. It color codes things for me, and it helps me keep track of all of the free trials that I've signed up for and forgot to cancel. Yeah, you can also set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. And here's a list of the world's best restaurants. Let's see. Can I do bear puns on any of these?

One called the Fat Bear. Is that something? The fat duck. You could also use it to do automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it approach. So if you're trying to sign up for a fancy dinner at La. Cordon bear. No ma.

No bear. Berma. La Bernaiden. 11 Madison Bear. Aaron, baby. You ready? Oh, yeah. We're going to head out.

I can afford to treat you like a. a queen because I've been using Rocket Money. Ooh, la, la. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash riddle. Rocket Money.com slash riddle, R-A-D-L-E. See you later, guys. And guys, if you go on a date with a bear, let the bear pay.

Come on, Square Bear. Let's get in your convertible car and go to... We're going to bear, Alinea. Awesome. Who's old man Riddlefingers? Is that you? It's me. I'm riddle fingers today. So here's your first word.

Be careful. Wash your hands after you put riddles on your fingers because the oil stays on for days and days. It's really bad. All right. Hold on. I'm sending a quick email to T. Public to see if we can start selling riddle oil. And we can't. Oh, no.

Why? Because it's not FDA approved. No, actually, Aaron, and I don't want to get into it too much, but that's not a problem anymore. Oh, fantastic. Kind of open season on that not being a problem anymore. Okay, here's your first riddle. This is a warm-up riddle, and it's a math riddle, and it sucks. So that's why I'm just going to give it to you.

We're just going to tear the bandit off and kind of... There's still time to not do this. Is there time? No, no time like the present. Michael sent this in. Thank you, Michael, for sending this in. Can you name any five digits of pie in order? Yes.

It has to be in order. 3.14. 5. Something, something, something. Nine. 3.14 597. Any five digits.

Any five digits. Oh, well, it goes on for infinity, right? Yeah, probably one, two, three, four, five. The answer is yes, because pie is irrational and infinite, any five digits can be found within its sequence somewhere. So, yes, you can, is the answer to that. Okay. Fucking fuck you riddle, fucking. Fucking fucking riddle fingers.

I'm not hungry anymore. I'm not hungry anymore. And now I am hungry for pie. So, great. I made an infinite pie. It's my family's recipe. I do, you in. I do want to see it.

Aaron, you are going to, you have a pie shop. Adel, you are coming into this pie shop because you went to buy some pie. But of course, Aaron, it is the math pie shop. And that is the type of pie that you are selling. Welcome in to and, and, and, and, and, and, and pie. How can I help you today? Oh, thank you. Where does the name come from?

I don't remember. I inherited the shop from a family member. Okay. Well, I was looking in the window, and I didn't see any baked goods, so I assume it must be sold out, so this must be a great spot. Can I buy a pipe, please? Oh, okay, this happens all the time, mostly because we pump the smell of dessert out into the street,

so this does happen all the time. Just dessert? Well, pie, mostly. It's like a sugary smell. It's just like basic sugar smell. We have something a little bit more fun than dessert in here. Okay, you do have an apron on with sort of like flour. All over my face.

All over your face. That's not flour. Two cooking bits on. Hey, what's not flour? Cooking bits? That's not flour? Wink. Coke?

Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy Oh Um Hit it Three point one Four one five nine Two six five three

Five nine six five nine six Two one five five four Is this Wait do a line of cocaine And this will all make much more sense Oh See Aaron you said hit it and I

Panicked No you did it right I think in the history of hitting it I only know one thing to hit. Yeah. Okay, here's your next riddle. This is a riddle from Katie Hought. Katie says, please share my name.

If my last name was Hott, I'd be sharing that all over the place. What? Hot. It sounds like how... Katie Hought. Would say hot in like, what, 2009? Sounds like someone in Boston is, like, crushing on a girl. Yeah.

Oh, Katie, Hot. Oh, my God. Katie Hot. Hot. Oh, you'd say like, oh, Melissa? Yeah, she's hot. Well, she's not Katie hot. Oh, yeah, she's not Katie hot.

Oh, yeah. Big time. Where did the Wright brothers invent their plane at? Kitty hot. Katie hot. All right. Well, Adel, that was the fucking, that was the answer to the first rental. Kitty Hawk?

No, it was just a very good joke. You just did a very good joke. I read the Wright brothers. Guy reads one book, talks about an autobiography. Guy reads one book, talks about an audio. every episode that we have. No, but did I already tell you how they described them? Just different creative ways to call them gay.

They call them women shy. Woman shy. My favorite is when they say confirm bachelor. I think that old-timey term is like, just chef kiss. All of these were used in Lindsay Graham's obituary, correct? Her long-term roommate and pen pal. They shared a bed. A very affectionate friendship.

He used to sleep into bed with his best friend, and they would wrestle nonstop. The sounds of their wrestling would echo through the white house. Eventually, they just say, like, homosexual, strike-through sapient. Lindsay Graham, noted homo sapient. You guys, I miss him. Oh, me too. I do, I do, I do, I do too. We're toasting you here, Lindsay.

Hey, I like how corrupt he was. Good night, our sweet peanut. He's with Charlie now. Oh, Lindsey Klam, come back. We miss you. Is there anything more fun than dancing on the graves of your enemies? I mean, come on. That has to be the number one best feeling of the world.

Cut to me dabbing on Lindsay's grave. I don't wish death upon anyone, but... No. There are some people whose death don't celebrate. I didn't wish it to happen. No. But I'm not going to do a little jig in my... step when it does, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just normal. That's normal behavior, guys. And if you don't like it, write your senator. Unless your senator was Lindsey Graham. That's going unanswered, my friend. No, rest in piss, you motherfucker. Okay, here's your first riddle from Katie.

No, it's only one riddle from Katie. I'm sorry. Yelling out and striking hard with booming voice and deadly blows. Fearsomely, I bluster on. Onward, the peaceful eye, my fury shows, raging wild and without bindings, what comes down, rises after, then rushes dreadful tidings to assail again thereafter. Water. Adel said tornado and Aaron said water. Like the water cycle.

You guys, like, together would have, like, an excellent fucking answer. Hurricane. Storm. Isn't our hurricane just a water tornado? And it's, well, yes, it is. Great question. Perfect question. The answer that Katie hot put down is storm and flood.

So, yeah, you got there. And I think a hurricane is a water tornado. I'd like to see a scene. Please. We'll have, Adel, you'll be a hurricane. JPC, you'll be a tornado. And you guys are at like a family reunion for weather systems, kind of just catching up. I'm a tornado.

Yep. Okay. Oh, look who it is. How's college, my boy? Holy shit. Have you gotten bigger? I have, yeah. It's the Florida 15. Yeah, my God. When you hit Florida, you gave 15 pounds, they say. I, dude, honestly, the last time I saw you, I was like, category three. You're at least category four now. At least, right?

Yeah, five. Category five. Holy shit. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Oh, man. God, I'm so glad to be. we could do this, you know? I know. Is Typhoon here or? No, Typhoon couldn't come because I believe we're not doing this in Asia, I would say.

Yeah, Typhoon couldn't make it all the way to Tampa, but, you know, it was kind of, how are you? How's Kansas? Kansas sucks. Still the same. Always been bad. Yeah. But, you know, yeah. It's flat.

Well, if it isn't the Golden Boy. here at the family reunion. It's good to see you guys. Super powerful. You guys are really good. It comes in destruction. Everyone's so happy to have you here. Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Gladys?

Gladys, just use names. So much better to do. Gladys, didn't see you there. You guys are looking at me like you don't remember me. No, your family. Give me hints. Give me a hint. Your aunt's.

Beverly's kid or... Summer rain. Summer rain. And yeah, that's not like... I'm like a small thunderstorm and like... You don't fuck you guys. You're not better than me. Well, no, we are...

Objectively. Just objectively. No, you're... How many horrible deaths am I causing? That's what I thought. How many times were you on the news list? You son of a bitch! Swim, swinging.

Oh! I have thunder and lightning asshole. Sometimes. You should see a doctor. I break the... You should see a doctor. You have thunder and lightning asshole? Yeah, but don't you have that?

That's herpes, bitch. See, Ha, ha. Oh, Adel, that Florida 15 joke is fucking awesome. I hope a weatherman listened to that show and then just went, whoop, and you said that. Fuck. I was thinking that.

And I have no idea what a typhoon is. What is a typhoon? Hmm. Boy, oh, boy. I know it's in the water. Gotta be in the water. Number one with the bullet starts in the water. Because here's what I'll say.

Hurricane, water, tornado, land. I know that. That's easy-pezy, right? This is, we got to have KCB looking at their shit up. We can't be doing this ourselves. A typhoon is a tropical cyclone. Tropical. Yeah.

Tropical. Okay. No, I couldn't have it right. Okay, okay. And then there's also, what's the other one that's a tsunami, right? Yeah, that's the wave thing. That's from an earthquake. That's not from weather.

There's also a tsunami, and a two-nami is when a TNAMI has a power. Dexer's lavatory and. I know things, okay? I'm smart. I'm smart. Oh, yeah? Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Be bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, welcome back.

Hit it, a dick, too, to make a thing all right. If you're sitting on a stool, you might be on, you're smarter than a fifth grader. They made them, they made them do stools on that show. That sucks. Fuck you, Jeff Fogsworthy. I'm going to read you some questions from, are you smarter than a fifth grader? Are you ready? Okay, yeah, please.

What phrase makes up the last four words of the national anthem? Oh, Jesus Christ. Play ball? Okay, let's play ball. Play ball, you guys. Orgas? No? It's home of the brave.

According to the classic mother goose rhyme, Hey, diddle diddle, who ran away with the spoon? Oh, boy. Colin Farrell? Yes. That's in the adaptation. That's in the gritty adaptation. Hey, speaking of Colin Farrell, two more episodes of sugar under my belt.

And it's sitting pretty right on me. Did you get to the episode that's focused on him never having eaten a cheeseburger? No, I have not yet. I think I'm only four episodes, Anne. Aaron, do you mind if we play, are you stronger than a fifth grader? Yeah, let's bring the fifth graders in. All right, come on in guys. I think I'm going to actually rather fight a fifth grade boy because I feel like girls hit their growth first.

And so I think I'd rather get like a shrimp-y boy. Not good reasoning. I don't like the way you think. I don't like your brain. You don't like my brain? Last night I finished two episodes of sugar and where I was like, you ready to go to bed? I said, yeah, I watched two episodes of sugar.

Are you proud of me? Ugh. It's going to be so easy to win her away from this. What man would One man who would later be U.S. president represented the British soldiers who were on trial for the Boston Massacre. This is easy

Thomas Jefferson Nope You told me a fifth grader knows that I want to say John Adams Yes Yeah And it was him not Quincy Quincy probably one year old

Quincy probably not Baby Quincy baby Quincy baby Quincy baby And Aaron that's You said that you went to the Quincy baby Paget when you were still living in him I did

And yeah, it's, I didn't even place in that competition if you can even imagine it. It was pretty devastating. I wanted that Quincy Baby sash. Oh, we all do. Quincy baby, so hurry say some slurs tonight. What's the most populated state in the U.S.? Whoa. New Jersey?

California, yes. California. Do you say New Jersey? Who founded the Red Cross? Oh, trick question, nobody. The nurse lady, what's her? Hold on, hold on, hold on. The nurse lady, coming to CBS this fall. She's, oh my God, what is her name?

I know, I know it's on the tip of your tongue. Goody Proctor. Goody Proctor. Clara Barton. I wouldn't have gotten that. And that's Hawkeye's wife? Yes. How many bones are in the human body?

One, if you're doing it, right? Holy shit. One of the zero, then one of the zero, then one of the zero, and then one of the zero, and then one and then oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god then awkward silence then sleep um okay it's 206 i feel like at one point i knew that but that's knowledge okay so fifth you're smart of me good job er you win yeah here's what i want what i want this exact game show i assume this is still going this game show yeah but i i want where it's like um both people write it down on a post report or whatever or like the Jeopardy screen or whatever

because I want to see a fifth grader answer this correctly. Hey man, did you write on the Jeopardy screen? This is a $6,000 screen. Go back to your podium. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. You don't get to make your own categories. The thing's going to spin around and show the category.

I can't afford to replace that. I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry. And what the fuck category is types of rice. You know, Longgrade or Jasmine Those are all Disney princesses also But Aaron, I feel like Long Green's from Mulan, right?

At least, careful. You careful, you careful, careful to you. You careful. Katie Hart. I do think I'd love if this is an indictment of my educational systems, but I feel like no fifth grader is like, oh, of course, Clara Botton.

discovered the, you know, founded the, I don't know. I think, well, I think that because they are, they have heard about it more recently than you. I think that's the point. I don't think fifth graders are smarter than grown-ups, but they're trivia, like they're being inundated by this stuff. I think that, um,

like did you guys ever have to do this is like a typical fourth or fifth grade project where you pretend to be a historical figure and then like people in your school walk around and then you give like a little presentation? So you're like a fifth grader and you're like a fifth grader and you're dressed like, let's say, a random choice, Abigail Adams,

and you're wearing a dress that you wore as a junior bridesmaid. And you're like, hello, Abigail Adams was born in Massachusetts in 17-something, and blah, blah, blah. And so I think Clara Barton would be one of those people. What? This might be a thing that they only do to people who are from the East Coast,

where all the historical figures are from. I know, but also someone was like Michelle Kwan in ours. Like, you just kind of pick a big, figure and then you do a big project on them and then you talk as them. I was Nolan Ryan for mine. I guess, yeah, looking back, I was also Michelle Quatt. So it was a different time. I used to write my husband letters asking him to remember the ladies.

Michelle Quad, you really did that shit. Yeah, yeah. Go off Michelle Quad. Give me more riddles. Yeah, let's do another riddle. Let's do another riddle and then we'll take a little break. So here's a riddle. this is one from gin, gin with two ends, synthesis.

Jen with two ends. Oh my God, I'm going on a date with Jen with two ends later. I'm so excited. Oh, that's so hot. Gin with two ends? She's Katie hot. She's Katie hot. Joe, wearing a mask and carrying an empty sack, leaves his house.

An hour later, he returns with a full sack of items that were just in other people's houses. Many people see and acknowledge Joe, but he is not punished and he faces no consequences for what he did. Mailman, Santa Claus. Reverse Santa. Reverse Santa. The Grinch.

Reverseanta who steals items. Yeah, I guess that's just the Grinch. Robin Hood, but for Santa. Robin Hood, but for the rich. Have you guys ever had to ask a girlfriend to do a reverse Santa? Maybe it's your birthday or something or like President's Day, you know, like a special thing. Where you sit on her lap? Just say no, Aaron.

Just say no, you haven't done it. Save me the fucking embarrassment because it's so embarrassing. No, it's not the Grinch. It's not reverse Santa. These are all radiger guesses. Raccoon. Joe is not a raccoon. I believe Joe is a human. Garbage man. Ooh. It's not a, let's see. Can this work? Where's a mask for the smell? Carries an empty sack, leaves his house. An hour later, he turns out of the full sack of items. Why is he bringing other people's garbage back to his house? Shut up. I don't know. Man's trash, et cetera.

Yeah, one man's trash and so on. And so forth. I do think there are people like this in Chicago that just have like trucks with like kind of cages on the back, like pickup trucks. And they will go through alleys and like pick up scrap metal. So maybe, maybe if I'm being generous, I could say he's one of these scrap metal guys. But no, that is not, it is not the case. Joe is not the father. Okay.

Joe is a child. give you that. That is a very good trick-or-treat. It's trick-or-treating. I do want to see the same. Oh, go ahead. It's Adel's turn. Aaron, you are at home waiting for trick-or-treaters on Halloween night. JPC, you are an adult who is trick-or-treating and you have sort of an unconventional costume, mom. Okay. Someone's talking in my door. What kind of cute costume is? I'm a ghost. I'm the ghost of a man who died in the shower. Derek.

So I got a towel. Derek. And I'm wet. Derek. Yes? It's cold, too, because it's October. You can't come in. I don't want to come in.

I'm expecting trick-or-treaters. I love Halloween. You said you wouldn't bother me anymore. Grace, no, Grace. I am trick-or-treating. I'm trick-or-treating tonight as I'm trick-or-treating. Okay, well then take a couple of these candies and go to the next house. You look like you're shivering.

You look freezing. But go ahead. I'm so cold. You wanted to look hot with a towel, just a towel on. No. Oh, my God. You think this is like a vanity thing? That's not why I'm doing this.

Your lips are blue. My kid is sick. And he can't trick or treat because he's sick. We have the same kid. He's with his friends tonight. He's with his friends tonight, and you did check on that? Yeah. Okay.

And you called the parents' house. It's not one of the situations where they're going to be out all night. No. Because he's at some other house and it's like a switchy-ball. Flop? No, he's trick-or-treating. I saw him a minute ago. He stopped by the house.

Do you want to get back together? Derek. Could I come in real quick and have sex with you and blow your mind? Tricotweet. Oh, hi. Hold on. Sorry, this is... I love your costume.

Are you a bug? I'm Michelle Kwan. Oh, my God. Yikes. Who's gonna want you now? Yeah, come in. Let's have a sack. We'll do the reverse Santa.

Can I leave? Leave? Yes. Yes, please. God damn, of course leave. I see. I don't want you to see me fucking bawling on Michelle Kwan. Do you guys get trick-or-treaters at your house?

Oh, yeah. I have a very reactive dog, so I leave candy at the bottom of my steps, and I have a little sign that says, fuck off. Oh. And then in parentheses, I said, said, like, the guy from... Succession? Succession. Does your kid like to trick or treat? Brian Cox.

JPC? Yeah, it's very fun. It's very fun to go trick or treating. Cute. I don't, I will say that. I think that last year I realized that a lot of people in the neighborhood give things that aren't candy. And that kind of blew my mind because I was like, fuck. And that's what I'm going to be doing this year.

Because, you know, I don't. What kind of stuff? Like, sometimes it'll be like cheese hits or something that's like a snack, but it's not candy. Or cheese hits or like popcorn or something. like that or like um like honestly like little plastic shit uh like those like stretchy guys those like tiny little stretchy guys or like little toy cars um uh there was a person that did like um a little notebook with crayon like a little two pack of crayons and a little notebook like shit like that but also stuff that's like not candy and because i always feel bad about giving candy because i'm like

i wouldn't let my kid eat this and i'm like eh go go for it you know you have a three musketeers Yeah Anyway Does L.A. get Because L.A. so spread out Do you guys get Trick-or-Treaters? Is there a proper?

No. But it seems like there's like parents will get organized and there's like specific neighborhoods that do get trick-or-treaters and people will like drive

to those neighborhoods. I also drove by like a trunk-or-treat thing that would organize. I'm not affiliated with the holiday. I'm not, I'm a trunk-a-tree. I'm not, it's not the holiday. Oh, no.

I just come around back. Buk-qu-qu-qu-qu-qu-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cccc-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-h. Hi, I'm Beck-Bennet. I thought I was Beck-Pennet. No, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good.

All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. And we host the show What's our podcast here on HeadGum. This podcast is brought. is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the internet or you're like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

I like that it's all in one place. I know, I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just on my website. Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a, do I need another? type of website to like find the right pictures or like another type of website to upload the no it's all in one place the video or the audio or like no i want it makes it easy make it easy on me please yes and you can do all those things photos videos changing fonts you know i mean the designs are amazing they're catering to all your different needs there are SEO tools which i know what those are

and they're custom domains oh what's come up with a domain right now let's see i wonder if it exists www. Friends meeting. Friends. Friends meeting friends.com. That's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out Squarespace.com

slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use off for code. Headgum save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it. All right. Let's see. have water, check.

I've got the little buckets and little shovel, check. Okay, I have a beach towel, check, and I have a jellyfish pool noodle, check. Okay, I think I have all their own things. I have a briefcase and a big presentation. It sounds like we're doing a beach day, and I was probably supposed to bring sand. Ooh. Sorry. Do you have a backup plan at least, Erin?

Well, I brought Sandy. Oh. That'll do. I'd love to see this presentation, Aaron. Oh, yeah, Eric, please. I'm glad that you asked. Let's talk Q3. It's bad.

This is full of craft singles that she's unwrapping one by one. Adel, this will make sense in 40 minutes. Just give it a second. Have I talked about how, for my last two birthdays, I've done PowerPoint parties. No. Did you do PowerPoints as well, or were you just entertained like a young king? I couldn't.

I couldn't. So for those who've never heard of this before, you invite your friends over to give a PowerPoint presentation on anything they want. But hopefully something that is not part of their normal career. So yeah, I couldn't very well ask people to come do this without doing it myself. Sure. Yeah, I let it off. Mine were fine.

My friends were amazing. What were yours about? The first year I did something dumb with generating AI pictures back when we all thought it was cute. And then this year, I did a whole presentation on dad puns that I had come up with, like other names for things based on my dad pun skills. So that was, I shouldn't say this without having examples of front of me, but I did not come prepared. Let me give you the one. I'll tell you the one that kicked it all off, which is... So this isn't the segment you prepared?

This one's a bit of a party you had? Right, right, right. Okay, so there's this pawn shop that you see on the way from Chicago. If you drive across to Indiana on your way east, there's this huge pawn shop that you can see from the highway called Big Pond. It's huge red letters. And the first time we passed by that, I said to say, Sarah. You know what would be a better name for that store? Jumbo Shimp.

Did she roll out of the car? She did. She crashed the car. So, uh, Shimp. So big isn't Jumbo. Uh-huh. Shimp is like prawn without the R. Shimp, shrimp without the R. I got it. And I love it. And I was there. I was, I totally, I was on that train going in the right direction. Instead of big prawn being changed the big pond, you got jumbo shrimp being paid. I was like, jumbo the fourth stooge? Right, right.

He's the fifth stooge. Anyway, and then Sarah and my wife did a whole presentation on very specific romance novel suggestions because she reads a lot of romance novels. Oh, nice. So that was really fun. Yeah. Anyway, so what's your presentation about again? Mine is about Q3. And it's me trying to figure out what that really means.

One of our better cues. One of our better cues. I like, didn't the guy who's the Marmalade Bear? Who's the little Marbleade Bear? Paddington. Winnie the Pooh? Winnie the Pooh. Thank you.

The guy who voiced Paddington, wasn't he Q in the recent bonds? Ben Wischaw. Oh, yes. Yeah. He's R, isn't he? Oh, R. Never mind. They move on to R.

I believe that's right. What? No, they don't. Why would they do that? Isn't the whole point of James Bond that he's like replaceable? There's been a thousand James Bond. There can't be like multiple cues. Huh.

I don't know. Look, I'm pissed off again. I'm activated. So N and R are going to tell 007. Right. 007. Yeah. Point one.

Hmm. Hmm. All right. We've made lots of progress already. Well, wonderful. Hi, Sandy. Yes, please. Hi.

One puzzle, Daddy. Oh, just one. I've done so. I've done so much extra work. I, all right. So I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've seen, well,

it's got to be something if I get, I don't have one, and I probably will never get one. But I've thought about it. And I thought, well, if it's going to be, it's got to be something puzzly.

So what would I do? So for the, for the puzzle today, I came up with a list of possible tattoos that I might get. Okay. And the trick is that I'm going to give you a clue for what they are or a description of what they are. Your answer is a rhyming or sorry, two words that rhyme. That also rhyme with a part of the body where this tattoo would go.

So for example, if I said it's going to be a pair of buzzing insects taking an afternoon break, you'd say B.T. Oh, man. Bees knees. Well, be on your knees, exactly. BT on your knee. B-T on your knee. On your knee. So that's it.

All right. And then at the end of this, we can decide which one I should get. Gotcha. Each of us, I assume, we'll get one of these. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll do it. Okay. Crew, maybe?

I, unfortunately, already have knee bees, but they're internal. Oh, no. Internal tattoos? No, the doctor said it was one of the deepest things he's ever seen. A fucker went clean through. I think he was going about 1,000 miles an hour when he hit my knee. And JAPC, you are leaking funny, hunty. That is a persistent problem for me.

I can't do this today. I haven't used my brain yet, and this is going to be really tricky for me. I feel like someone just woke me up from a deep sleep and said, Aaron, take the SATs. Wake up. You're taking the SATs right now. Right. Just put it all on the record. It is 3 a.m. for you, right, Aaron?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not 11, 14 in the morning. Right. I took the morning off. I'm wearing my pajamas. puppy is to dog as full is to... Aaron, wake up.

Oh, my God. Empty? Aaron, wake up, you're in community college. Oh, God, here we go. I thought that sentence was going to end at community. She was on the show, community. Oh, I bought community college. Aaron, wake up your Allison Bree.

Oh, fantastic. Okay. Well, this is way better. Having a nightmare and saying, oh, fantastic. All right, so number one, it's a tattoo of a cruise. liner packed wall to wall with salsas. Or I guess keel to keel. Yeah, keel to keel, thank you.

A shiptee on your hip. There you go. It's a ship dip on your hip or a dip ship on your hip. What about your hip dip? What about it? Well, that we could just add that word too and I feel like it would be even longer, funnier sort of sentence. Definitely. Ship dip on your hip dip. Trip dip flip fantango.

How about a garment? Being grated. A garment being grated. A vest test on your chest? You're halfway there. Vest. Zest. Zest.

A vest being zest on your chest. That one's in the running right now. For yours. How about... I thought you said... I heard graded like ABCD. That would be test. Yeah.

Oh, graded would be test. You said grated. Yes, it says. Okay. I just said graded. Yeah. But I slurred it because I don't... speak good.

I don't hear good. A piggy wrapped up in vegetation. Hog log. Swine. Pine. Swine vine. Spine. On your spine?

Spine vine on your spine. Swine vine on your spine. Doesn't that seem like a good tattoo? I love it. No, not especially. What's a swine vine? Is it like a normal vine except it's made of pigs? Like a barrel of monkeys? The vine is surrounding this, is enveloping this wine and choking it.

Yeah. The only thing that I worry about is if I went to a group of people, casual group of friends or maybe just a shirt off. No, just say I'm fully clothed and people are talking about tattoos and I say, do you want to see my swine vine? I think that people might think that that means something else. And you're like, no, no, no, let me undress to explain. Unlike when I say, do you want to see my hog log? All right. How about this one?

I love the bric-a-brac you could get from hoggy-locky. There's certainly no opportunity for misinterpretation on this one. They're all Republicans. Yeah. Oh, my God. Repubbacans? Repubacans. Republicans.

Republicans. That sounds like, like, like. Some conservative has like a book that's, you know, Republic Bacons and Dima cramps. Don't worry, Aaron. You're going to wake up soon. This is all a bad dream where everyone. Dima eggs.

Repub bacon. Republican and Dima. Dimmaple sauce. Dimp apple sausage. Diff apple sausage. I'm done. I'm done on Dimm apple sausage. How do you like them?

How do you like them? And diner. Dinercrats. Republicans and dinercrats and it's a heartland guide to... To breakfast in politics. Do you like dinercrats? How do you like them dinercranc? Oh, no, this is not...

This is hard. Eric, between the three of us, I think we have one bad consultant that is available for hire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this is what their presentation is going to be about. Yeah. How about this one? A tattoo of dessert for zombies. Brain...

Flawn. Okay. It's not the brain that it would be good. But it's hard to tattoo the brain. Plush. Flesh. Skin. Cake, pie.

Pye. Pye on your... I would actually... Die. Die pie on your thigh? On your thigh of a pie of eyes. Meaning a zombie would might eat a pie of eyes, but it would go on your thigh. Got it.

Got it. Got it. I guess a zombie could eat anything. Yeah. I mean, famously brains, right? Famously brains. That's what I've heard. Dogs.

They prefer brains, but they'll eat whatever. To get the brains, they have to go through the eyes, though. That's the most direct route to the brain. Yeah. Yeah, Egyptians knew that, yeah. I should have just said a cannibal. All right. Edit for the next time I talk about this.

Edit. How about me, a picture of me skewering some, or anyone, skewering some seafood? A skewer of some seafood. A kebab? Pierce, skewering, stab, flab. Scrab. Stab crab.

It's not just one crab. Stab crabs. Abbs on your abs. On your abs. Well, I said flabbing. For me, it's the same difference. So it all works out. Yeah, JPC, the fattest man I know.

I didn't say fat. I said flabby. You could be thin and flabby. You're so tidy. Also, It's so cranny. It's cravy. How about a pint of ale in an unusually round vessel?

Beer. Beer on your ear. On your ear. That would be hard. Beer on your ear, yeah. That'd be really hard. Not if you got flabby ears like me. Don't, don't say it.

Don't talk about my friend like that. Don't say it. No, come on. No. Stop. No. No. We've been doing it.

that all week. No, no. Stop using Ozempic on your ears. Earsimbek. Okay. No, that's nothing. Stop ready to get down. All right, this one I think you're going to want to get.

This is going to be in the running for opportunities. Toy dog eating soup locky. Toy dog eating soup. Poodle noodle on your. Kitten coop. On your titties. On your tities. So it's on your noodle.

No. It's not a poodle. Poodles can be toy, but this one is canonically toy. Shitsu. I don't think they come bigger. Pomeranian. It's not a Pomeranian. It's not a Pomeranian. Okay. Chihuahua on your hoo-ha. It's actually kind of a nickname for... Can you get the same tattoo twice?

Legally no. Do you have a chihuahua on your hoo-ha? What are you talking about? Yes, obviously. Terrier on your derrier. Oh, derrier. God damn it. All right. Is that not it?

Aaron now has my job. Oh, my God, I don't want it. I don't want it. Sandy, I don't have a brain that works. Please take your job back. Much like Adam Driver, Sandy just threw a chair near Aaron. A scarier terrier on your derrier.

And then we're done. And we're done. No, this is a shorthand for a small, poofy dog with a silly face that also rhymes with something where a Sublocki comes from. Pug, pug, pug. Greece. Mug.

A Greek? No. Greek? Greek. On your beak. Wait, what's Greek? What's Greek? Okay.

What's the dog? Rimes with Greek. It's a shorthand for this kind of dog. Greek. Well, where is it going to go on your body then? Peak. Cheek. On your widow's peak.

What's a peak? Oh, a Pekingese. Pekanese. A Pekinese. Says the peak. You've heard of Pekinese, right? You want a Pekinese? I've heard of Pekinese.

I don't think I've ever heard of them shortened to a peak. Wow. I'm not in the Pekinese community. A lot of dog parks more often. No, don't. And if you don't know. You have a dog, right, JP's. Yeah, I have a dog.

I don't have. Go ask your dog about peaks. They know. She's not talking to me right now. your quality is bad. I can't take her on walks. She's pretty pissed off at me. So a Greek peak on your cheek. I think that would look great.

Also, I'm a dog. I have a dog. I don't have a small dog's to me or it's like a completely separate world. I just, I can't interact in that world. Right. I'm with you. I feel like I have a small dog and my dog's 50 pounds. Really? Mine's only 40 pounds. That's not a small dog. 50 pounds. It's like half a human.

Yeah, that's true. And it's bigger than some of the humans of my house. I'll say that. Exactly. One of my great joys in life is watching the Was it the Westminster Kennel Dog Show or whatever Around Thanksgiving? And I love Whenever they do the names where it's like dogs, I couldn't come up with in my wildest dreams

Where they're like, the Portuguese Pekino Puccano. You're like, that did not exist yesterday. I can't prove it. They just made this up, but I would die for this dog. Also, they're talking about the breed name, but also their name names are like, they have all the lineage of their like ancestry and their name.

It's like 17 names long. Yeah. They're like, This is Little Swan named after Proust. And it's always like, what the fuck? And then the next one is like,

this is Max named after Tom Hardy. I like it when they jump through those little hoops. And then one of the dogs inevitably doesn't clear the hoop and the guy with the long gun comes out. And then the camera kind of pans to the audience reaction. And you have, you know, people spill their tea and going,

Oh. I like that part too. Guarantee you one of those guys has a tattoo of a peek on a cheek. Of course. Yeah. How about a coffee urn, a tattoo of a coffee urn that's 50% full? Hmm. A craff. Half a craff on your...

Calf. Calf. At this point, we've got our entire leg covered. We got calf thigh. You got sleeves and thighis. What would you call sleeves on your legs? Oh, sleeves ain't pants, stockings? Pants.

I have pants. Slits on your legs. I mean, that's pants, right? Am I crazy? Well, we don't call sleeve shirts. That's a good point. That is a good word. How about someone kissing a computer?

Ooh, a curve. Robot. Kissing a computer. That's another word for a nerd. Mac. A PC. Oh, a smooch. On your cooch.

Not smooch. Oh, that's good. A peck. A peck. A peck is a peck on your neck. A tech on your neck. A tech on your neck. A tech on your neck.

Which is what someone has that. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Someone has that, right? Oh, yeah. Man. At that Google campus when they don't let them go home and there's like sleep pods everywhere, you know, there's tons of tech pecks going on.

Come on. How about? That's awesome. About attaching. of Dale lashing his friend. A whip chip on your hip again? We already did hip. On your nip.

Oh, that's good. I was thinking lip. Lip. Yeah. I think you should get that tattoo. A lip tattoo is fun because you can hide it. Uh-huh. As long as it's an inner lip tattoo, I guess.

You got to hide it, but then you're obliged to show it to everyone and then you're constantly like peeling your lip over. Yeah. Aaron, would you do me a huge favor? Mm-hmm. Would you Google image search Chippendale BDSM? Yep. And just let me know.

she's going to find I can hear a helicopter landing on my roof they're here to congratulate me oh porn came up right away porn came up right away I thought that would maybe be a couple things that weren't before porn oh no on my desktop on my mild non-bDSM porn

how did you spell Chippendale oh on my desktop like it's 2003 and that's my only option I have also looked this up, and it is porn. However, it's not Chippendale. It says it's Chippendale, but it is like, who as I remember are male chipmunks? Is that right? Yes, but there's also Chippendales, which is like.

No, I know that. This is, though, this is based on Chippendale, the chipmunks. These are all coded as women chipmunks. I wonder why mostly men who draw that stuff would go out. Yes, I'm writing an angry letter. Oh, here we go. I found the one with Chip. There we go.

Great. Oh, good. I'm glad I have this in my brain now. I'm going to Google brain shower. Lobotomies, cheap or free Los Angeles. Just make sure you put BDSM at the end. Brain shower BDSA. All right.

A couple more. My parent chaperoning high school dance. My parent chaperoning high school dance. Okay. Dad. mom or dad mom prom on your arm arm on your mom mom mom mom mom on your thumb that's awesome palm palm mom mom mom on your palm yeah that's crazy because a couple of us are we didn't really get there on your thumb on your thumb on your thumb I broke my thumb he was holding up his hand I saw it Thaum. What am I supposed to do? Yeah. Yeah.

If someone pronounced it Tham, I wouldn't be able to focus for three weeks. I'd be like, Tom. Thumb. Tom. I was listening to a podcast earlier today, and one of the hosts of the podcast said Mona. And he said Mona twice before I realized he was talking about the film Moana. And he had never, I guess he was not aware of the film Moana and had never heard it.

Or like, he had just like kind of seen it spell that took it a guess. And I was like, Mona is a wild swing for Moana. Do you watch Drowning Moana? Drowning Mona, but thought it was... I was in Europe. Earlier this summer, we saw a movie in a French movie theater. Maybe it was when we were in France or Spain, but we saw a movie in a theater.

When it was in English with subtitles. Okay. The preview, however, was... One of the previews was for the live-action Moana that's coming out. Sure. And in France, or again, maybe Spain, they call it something else. Her name is not Moana.

So they do the whole preview and you're like, okay, I'm ready for them to say, my name is Moana or whatever the song goes. Sure. Not Moana. Totally different name. It's like Viana. There's no Moana. Interesting.

I am Vienna. Yeah. Do we all do it for like the cultures that we've colonized? So is it like a different island group for France? Because they didn't quite make it that far when they were doing their colonization missions? Oh, because it's a story about. It's a story about the Polynesian culture, I think, but I don't know if in France they like code it differently to like make it susceptible to it French.

Right. Moana starring Le Boulde. Which is wild to me that they would change the name. I guess if they're dubbing, they can do whatever they want, but they would change a name that is used probably hundreds of times in the script. Yeah, I thought names were transferable. It's not the word, but I thought it was just like, your name is your name. it doesn't really translate to other, yeah. It's always kind of interesting to me

when an animated film like that comes out in a bunch of different, you know, nations. But it's not animated, right? It's live action. Yes, you're right. Moana is live action. I guess it could be the same thing with, I guess it's different for, like, dubbing,

but they get, like, different celebrities. Like, there's a Japanese celebrity who's doing the voices for, you know, the animated movie that comes out here. It's always fun to see, like, you'll see in the credits sometimes who played the cast in the other nations. You're like, yeah,

we think Robin Williams is genie, but somewhere else in the world, there's like some other guy who's like, he's the Nepalese genie. I want to know a crazy coincidence. I did a voice, a couple voices for Pixar show called Win or Luz.

And when we were in Denmark teaching classes, a guy who I'd been with all week, he was like doing the workshops, we were talking about like animated work and voiceover work. And he started saying like kind of hinting at details. He was like, well, yeah, I'll do like the Danish of a lot of American comedies. Like I'll get cast in these things.

And it was like right after I had found out I had gotten it. And no one knew. And I was like, he started hinting at it. I was like, are you doing something for like, is that a Pixar show? And he's like, how do you know that? That's great. Like I'm not supposed to tell anybody. And I was like, we are doing.

So I was like, I wonder if like, that's. So crazy. You are very good at puzzles. I know. I was so, I was like, what are the chances to run into someone who also knows about this top secret thing? It was so cool. Japs, I don't know if I've ever told you this, but one of my summer intensive classes years ago, I had, I think she was Polish. There's a Polish woman in my class who said she did voiceover work.

And after the week was done, I was like, you never told me what, what, like, voiceover work do you do? And she goes, oh, it's mostly video games. And I said anything I know. And she goes, I play all the women in The Witcher 3. And at the time, I was like, oh, very good. Because I didn't know the game. And then through you, I learned, I'm like, oh, that's one of the biggest games of all time. Didn't she also do mocap for it, too?

Or was it just voices? Yeah. Okay. Well, Sandy, we went down memory later. We ran out of time for your fucking game or whatever. So, do you know? That can only be half covered in tattoos now. rest of them are going to go undone.

We'll have to, at a later date, we'll have to get you further tatted up. But in the meantime, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Yeah. I want to plug Rattle, which I've plugged every time. I've been on the show for the last year and a half when I'm still plugging away at it. It is recently past 500 rattles in a row, 500 days of making Rattles. Thank you. As of this recording.

And Rattle is my daily word game. So if you like word games and you are bored with the stuff that you're, you're you see on the New York Times and LinkedIn go to rattle dot Quest R-A-D-D-L-E or just Google it. It's anagram of the word ladder. It is a word ladder transformation game. But

it's really fun. So, still making that every day and I'm still making team building games under the name Mystery League. M-Y-S-D-E-R-Y-L-E-A-G-U-E. I was like, certainly he must finish it. He must finish the G-U-E.

You got to put a little sauce on it. You got to give a little tension. What if you got a ladder on your bladder? Aaron, one other word. Bill. Bill. He'd be sad. Thank you.

Run, run. Oh, Aaron, why all the cheese? Why all the cheese? I don't know. Oh, okay. Adel, anything to plug, promote, anything you want to chat about? How are you? Are you okay?

What's going on? Do it okay? Let's see. I was recently on the Improv is Dead podcast. with Tim Lyons. It was myself and Matt Young. So that was a very good time. Also check out Hello from the Magic Tavern with myself, Matt Young and Arnie Neacamp. We were back for a new season that's, I think, out now. Erin, do you have anything to plug or promote? How are you doing? What's going on? Everything is pretty good. I also, a couple months ago, was on Improvis Dead. Love those guys.

Check them out. I have a show called Quality Time that is here in Los Angeles. It's a monthly show that I'm really proud of. It's a variety show. It's really, really fun. And so check that out. Follow us on Instagram if you're interested in that. GPC, anything to plug or promote. The only thing I want to plug is our buddy Casey, who is the engineer for this podcast. Tony? Sleep?

He does great sound effects like this. Casey, knock yourself out. Have fun with that. That's just a fun little plug for you. He's got a podcast called Gutter. If you haven't listened to it, you should definitely check it out. It is expertly sound designed. It is very funny.

So, yeah, go give gutter a list, and you can find it anywhere that you find podcasts, Aaron. I know something that you like to eat out of gutters. Come on, man. Come on, man. I'm relatively nice to you. I couldn't be more sorry. Hot-da. Ello, please.

No one can even look me in the eye anymore. Relatively goes to you. I'm going to say to that. I'm already parents in the music One, two, three, four, hey, red. Hey, there, cars and rabbits. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of this day in improv history.

You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus, you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a hate gum podcast.