Hey Riddle Riddle - #424: Boston Superman w/ Will Hines

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

We have one of our favorite improvisers Will Hines (WGIS Improv School, Screw It Podcasts) on to talk riddles, athleticism, batmen, and a whole lot of improv. Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifGuest Starring:Will HinesEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Bark, park, park, JBC, me hungry. Adel, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food. That's fine. Okay. I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food.

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Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ali. I tried it out. My dog's spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ali. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs. I don't know if you heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She has a type of dog who you can put the food in her bowl and then

she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now when it's time for dinner at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping up me like, hey man, get the Ali out of the French, put it in the bowl, dude. You gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it, and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in.

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An intercode riddle to get 70% off your first box can confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product. Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Aaron. Let me go dig her up.

Oh, boy. Ollie, feed the obsession. All right. If you're going to get selected for this riddle jury, we just want to make sure that you are going to be fair and balanced and measured. So I'm just going to ask you some questions and then you're going to answer them honestly and we'll see if we want you on the jury. Let's see. Adel.

How do you feel about riddles? No. No. Just affirm no. Yes. Okay. Which one is it? Yes or no.

I mean, the guy said both. Yes. Yes to know. Yes to firm no. And you're dressed for the beach. and it seems like you're looking at your watch. Do you want to get out of here? Me?

Seems like, yeah. You don't want to be a part of this. Yeah. Yes to the riddles or yes to you want to get out of it? No. You guys really make this tricky. Is this a riddle? Am I in a riddle?

You're going to do just fine on this jury. Let's see. Who's next? John Patrick Cohen. You'll buy JPC, it says? Yes. No. Yes.

Yes. Seems a little nervous. No to riddles. If it's going to be asked. I am a little nervous. You're sweating through your clothes. Well, I'm dressed for the beach. Seem a little guilty.

Is being in a courtroom making you sweat? No, this isn't like a juror number two situation. I didn't do anything. Sorry, sweat stain. You're going to do just fine on this jury. Oh, we have a new, oh, okay, a third name just popped up. A Will Hines. Yeah, that's right.

Will, how do you feel about? Wow, holy crap, this guy's... What is it? What? No, everything's fine. Oh, well. All right. Okay, another person dressed for the beach.

I respect it. Will, how do you feel about... A riddle hit my car. A riddle once hit my car. I have to tell you. I was driving in a car, a riddle hit it. Okay? You're excused from this story.

So it's hard for me to be unbiased about riddles because a riddle struck me when I was driving. Well, you... I hate it. You won't be able to have a fair and unbiased opinion. Go on your way, sir. Then I got to go. Bye. See you later.

See you later. Bye, Will. God damn. Damn. It's got one of those like old-timey, like one piece with the stripes. Yes. See you later, folks. I used to have an Oregon grinder, but it broke, so I just have to do the noise.

Well, it would have been so fun to have Will Hines on the show, but he's off to the beach. Well, screw it. We're just going to talk about the riddles. Let's talk about remorse. Will, come back. I'm back. I'm back. Will, thank you so much. I forgot.

I forgot. I had nothing to do. I forgot. I forgot. I have nothing to do. I forgot. I'm incredibly available. I thought I was busy.

I thought I was going to the beach, but then I'd check my calendar and it's just a vast openness. I could be here for 10 hours if you guys need it. Don't make promises you're not going to keep. This could be our first 10-hour episode. Will, Thank you so much for coming on Hey, River Riddle. Huge to have you here. I have been watching you improvised for a very long time, but we were just recently on the comedy

bang, bang, bang, tour together. That's right. That's right. And you were subject to my insecurities, and you were very gracious about that. And you were subject to my insecurities. I wasn't going to bring that up, but yes, I was. Yes, I was. Right before we recorded with you, I was on mic telling Adel and JPC about how.

aggressively I was defending signs in front of you and then how the wind just completely went out of my sales when I realized the movie was bad. It was such a fun. You unsolicited, you know, presented signs as a terrific movie. I think we showed minimal interest. You then summarized it. And then without, I don't think we even criticized it that much,

but you saw the looks in our faces, decided that what you were saying was insane and packed up your bag and left, left the social. gathering. There was almost no interaction from us. It was just like watching a volcano build and then crumble in real time. Tie up her bindle, get on a train car. Exactly. I saw the writing on the wall. Well, well, you were an improviser in New York and now you're in L.A. What is your relationship with riddles and puzzles and lateral thinking problems? Okay, I'm like, I'm the worst nightmare here because I love riddles. I'm am bad at them. Sure.

I am fascinated by them, but I have low discipline. Like I'm, I want to know them that if I can't figure it out in like 10 seconds, I immediately look up the answer. And then in my head, daydream that I had gotten it correct. Like, I play out somebody asking that question and me getting it right, which for nobody, I do that. But I like them. That's what I do with David Blaine, close up magic.

I look up and I'm like, oh, yeah, I know it. The chicken. He had an extra chicken is pocket. But seriously, I'll go like pub quiz with friends and the next day be daydreaming that I got them all right. And I'll catch myself doing that. I'm like, what is the evolutionary purpose of this fantasy that I'm feeding to myself? Well, do you like to be a winner? Are you a competitive person, do you think?

I don't know how to answer this. I hate losing, but I don't like working. Like, I certainly, I have, I'm competitive, but with no discipline. So, like, I don't know, competitive with an incredible self-sabotaging fear. of failure? I don't know how to. Simple answer is yes. I'm competitive. Let's just keep it simple. If you feel comfortable. Am I talking too much?

No, no, you're perfect. Perfect. If you need to kick me off the episode, I swear to God, I'm so ready for 10 hours, buddy. I'll also be here for 10 hours. Also, if you want to kick me off at any time, I don't care. Absolutely not. Unfortunately, I would, if you feel comfortable, could you tell Adel and JPC what your nickname was in your little league? team growing up that your coach gave you. My nickname was, uh-oh, because, um, so I was incredibly short, unathletic person. And I did like baseball, though, but I joined Little League and I was in right field or sometimes backup right fielder, which was the second right fielder, even more deeply placed, which is where you put the kid who can't do anything. Yeah. And when the, once a ball,

a high pop-up got hit to me and I said audibly so everybody in the field could hear it, uh-oh, as it was like headed towards me. Like a big, I remember being kind of pleased at the laugh that I got. But it was a completely genuine, just like, oh, this is terrible.

Like I don't know this is a terrible thing that's happening. Dare I ask. Did that ball get caught? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Did it doink off you or did it just land? It was the most, yeah, unremarkable, just missed it by a good distance and I, you know, limply threw it towards the second baseman. I had a very nice coach, though.

Like, I always feel like saying this because I think like the traditional nerd narrative is to look back on gym class and sports experiences as total trauma. And I certainly was bad at them. But I had a very nice coach who was good at, like, managing the kids like me who were bad. Like, I enjoyed playing, even though I had no confidence in it. I think that as a skill has to be more important than like coaching baseball for a little league. Like being able to coach the feelings of the horribly unathletic little kids that are playing it. Yeah. Yeah.

He was like, you know, he was excited and enthusiastic about the many true athletes we had on our team. But the nerds of us did not feel left out. And at the time, I didn't appreciate that. But I look back and I'm like, that's sort of incredible. So yeah, uh-oh, was my. nickname for years. Good old uh-oh. Yeah.

Well, let's see if you say uh-oh when I read any of these riddles out loud. You're diving right into riddles already? Well, I take this as an insult. You're not going to like dick around for like 45 minutes or something like that. Will listens to the show. Will has unfortunately listened to the show here. So this is what happens when you tell someone that if they want to listen to the show, they're more than welcome to because you get to the show and you're like, uh-oh, uh-oh.

I think we're the mechanics saying like, Will, there's several things wrong with your car and you're like, no, no, no, no. It's just the oil change, baby. Now, Will, have you done any escape rooms? Yeah, yeah, I've done a couple of escape rooms, yeah. Do you find that those bring out a certain side of you at all? I love them. I'm into them and I'm socially not cool during them. It's hard to be cool in escape rooms.

I just mean, like, I want to manage everybody's effort. Like, guys, let's do this right. Anybody here who's doing this for fun should get out because we're going to do this the most efficiently. That rules. Like, I'm not a good board game partner because I'm like, well, how do we win? I guess I am competitive. Yeah. I'm really cool in an escape room.

I'm always like leaning against jukeboxes and wearing sunglasses. I'm real casual inside there. Well, can I ask you an improv-based question? Yeah, unfortunately, I'm incredibly ready for that. That's the one that you may be prepared for. So I'm a big fan of comedy bang bang. I've been listening for decades at this point, or I guess the decades of a half. Yeah, right.

You are on comedy bang bang a lot. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Are you a surprised as I am that that's happened? It's always like a delighted surprise. But when you show up on comedy Bing Bing, you almost always play new characters. You very rarely play a character that you've played before.

Yeah, exactly. Is that a your choice or is that a Scott's? It's because all my characters are terrible because I'm bad at character. I'm bad at the central skill of the show, which is maintaining a consistent character, like truly bad at it. I can't do voices. I can't keep track of backstory. Uh-huh. I can't commit emotionally to something that I'm not actually feeling.

So what happens, what I do instead is I just simply say yes to anything that Scott even remotely hints at. But by the end of the episode, my character has been destroyed by a labyrinth of insane lore that is not sustainable. So by necessity, I have to bring in a blank canvas almost every time. There always seems to be this nice little freedom to one of your characters where you're like, what about a name and one thing about me? And that's all I really need because none of the rest of it will matter at all. JPC, listen, let's have another show where I tell you about this for hours. because when I was first on the show,

I was so intimidated and excited. It was really fun or whatever, but, you know, there's all these great character act. I think I started like in 2014, so this is still in the era of like James Adomian coming on in Andy Daily. Like real, you know,

S-tier character guys. Yeah. I was just like, I can't. So I tried hard. I had like, you know, you know, comedic angles and backstores. stories and prepared lots of things to say. And I would get on there and they would all just just die.

Like they would just bomb so hard. And the only thing that would work would be Scott would be like, so what are you saying? You're like obsessed with tea. You drink tea 10 times a day. I'd be like, yes, that's right. I drink tea 10 times a day. He'd be like, so you have no digestive system. The liquid just goes for your mouth right down to your asshole.

I'd be like, right from my mouth. Like just repeating what was given to me was the only thing that worked. And so pretty quickly, I was like, I guess that's what I do on this show. I mean, I really love it and I feel lucky to do it and I feel truly bad at it. And it's just like somehow I have evolved this strange way of surviving in that realm. As a listener and an enjoyer of that show, I do look forward to. And you're usually coming in at like the anchor slot too. So it's like you're usually the last guest of the episode.

And by that point, it seems Scott has lost all patience for anything and you come on with a very thin premise. I get very grumpy Scott sometimes. Just immediate. He knows me well enough that I don't mind it, and he can't let loose. And he's actually, there have been a couple episodes where he's texting me after goes, are you, are you mad? That's awesome. I've never been upset by anything on the show. I adore it.

Yeah, it's, it's him. I noticed that same dynamic between him and Paul of Topkin sometimes where they have to, in character, say, we like each other with her friends. Yeah, that's true. and we're friends. That's right. It is fascinating sometimes to be like, somebody will be like, I'm a ghost in a chair.

And Scott will be like, okay, what's your what else? Like, okay, that's not enough for me. Right. And then other people like yourself

will be like, uh, yeah, so I'm a film director. It'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, yeah.

I feel like Aaron's, I think, Aaron, I don't mean to project my feelings onto you, but I think you have a similar experience of like, loving it and being excited and being happy doing it and also being a nervous wreck

during the entire. entire experience. True terror going, why am I in this part of the order? What do you mean? I always say to Scott that I would rather have him watch me give birth than pitch a character to him. That would feel less intimate. I know. It feels like I, like it's like all my organs are on a table in front of him.

My neck is out. And I'm like, what about a guy who works at a Vegas casino who has a bad cold? And he's like, ugh. What's his name? That's not what he says. He doesn't. Nobody goes, uh, you are imagining. He's spiritually, you just watch something behind his eyes just because it's a bunch of clowns

rotating through his house saying like the dumbest shit you've ever heard. And you're just like, and I'm just another clown. And I'm just one of the many clowns rotating clowns. That's true. Yeah. I also think you are downplaying how fully fleshed out boobs rinses as a character will. Now look, please cut all this out. But Boots Rince, JPC, because I always bring a new character in, right?

And that's bad for the show because they'll be like anniversary shows or tour shows. And you're not supposed to bring back somebody. I'm like, I have nobody to bring back. Nor am I famous enough to win over new people. I'm like in the worst zero area of no characters and no fame. So I created, Boobo's Rince is not a character. It's a silly name that I just. I mean, he does have certain, he's a detective and he's an actor.

But he also is a blank canvas. And it's just that name is built for the description, the written description of the podcast episode. I think it looks funny. I don't think there is any character of substance behind that name, but it's built for the description. Boobbs rinse, Will Hines. And I'm like, okay, that'll keep me alive. I think he can carry a franchise. I think that's how low-bearing is.

I think three movies, at least. I empathize with the impulse to be like, I don't want to create like a compelling character because we do improv on this show, but listeners of our show will know, we keep our improv scenes to about two minutes, two and a half minutes. It's just enough that you don't really need to have

like a character that can be sustained for any length of time. It's the perfect amount of short form of improv to inject into a podcast. Okay, I want to see a scene Oh, fun. Where Aaron is in a job interview with Adel, and Aaron is trying, has no confidence in her own ability to get this job for no reason. And Adel, Adel wants her to get it. And JPC, you're a nosy receptionist who wants to be involved.

Yes, just, yes, yes. One of my big characters I can sink my teeth at dip. Knock, knock, knock. Now's probably a bad time. I'm so sorry. Oh, no, come on in. Have a seat. Oh, gosh.

No, I, you know, just in case someone else needs to sit here, I will leave this open. Oh, right on the floor. Criss-cross applesauce style. Here's my resume. I'll just put it right in the trash. Oh, no, hey, no, no, no. Hey, I'll take that to yonk. And, uh...

Mr. Martin, your two o'clock is... Oh, she's already here. Daphne, thank you so much. Two o'clock, this is Daphne. Hello. Did you need anything? Let her know. No, I don't need anything.

Do you need anything, Daphne? I can run out and grab you a glass. I'll bring you a black tea and a water. I'm allergic to both those things. Yeah, I just, I wanted a job, but you're probably busy, and it's probably dumb, and you don't need. No, no, no. No, we posted about the job opening because we want someone to fill it, so. Right.

I just got my doctorate from Princeton, but that's probably stupid. Oh, my gosh. Einstein. Yeah. Pete Eggson. I mean, Einstein was my like great-grandfather or grandfather. Great-grandfather. That actually probably makes more sad.

No, grandfather. It doesn't matter. What's your full name? Rebecca Einstein. You're Rebecca Einstein? The woman who solved the aquatic equation? Excuse me. I hate to walk in here run and outs.

Have you seen my wife, Daphne? I'm a lie. I left my lunch at home, and I'm lost without the lunch, you she made. I'm a husband. Daphne, can you come in here? What's your name, sir? My name is Tortoise. Daphne, your husband is here?

Oh, my God, tortoise. What are you doing here? Daphne, my love. My love. You remembered. Give me a kiss. Daphne, I forgot my lunch. I got no ham and cheese.

The construction site, I look a fool. I thought you remembered that today was our 50th wedding. Oh, my sweet. And you'll have to excuse them. They're a 1940s comic strip that came to life. Yeah, I wondered. They've been magic to come to life, and I've been trying to take care of them. Oh, Tartis, I'm going to smash you one with my frying pan.

Look at you. I'm going to break a real bottle on your face. It was a local paper. It was trying to do like a hundred. Honeymooners, but it got real violent. Right. I pretend not to know. Can we undo it?

I've tried. Oh, perfect voices. Nine more hours of this. Here we go. I'm ready. Whoa. Who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well.

Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well. You guys, you're looking in a mirror. Oh. I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. You look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something.

We look like that? Yes, it's because you are wearing your new Quince high-quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adeline, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button down, if I do say so myself. Wow, our styles are truly timeless, versatile, and designed to become dependable pieces that we will reach for day after day. Also, everything at Quince has priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And Aaron, you're doing the splits.

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Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Does somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No, man. Come on, man. Well, guys, I got to go. I'm taking Square Bear, my new best friend, out to a very fancy dinner because I saved a bunch of money using Rocket Money.

Whoa. Wow. How. Uh, uh, French, uh, honey, uh, French, uh, honey, uh, French honey. French, yeah. Yeah, well, everyone would think hard on this. Uh, uh, oh. Oh, the bear.

Yes. Right? Isn't that what they call the one from the show or whatever? Yeah, that's fun, right? Because it's a bear. I've loved Rocket Money for so long. It's an app that helps me find and cancel all my unwanted subscriptions. It monitors my spending all in one place.

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Can I do bear puns on any of these? One called the fat bear. Is that something? The fat duck? You could also use it to do automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it approach. So if you're trying to sign up for a fancy dinner at La

Cordon Bear. No ma. No bear. Bairma. Labernaidin? 11 Madison Bear. Aaron, baby, you ready? Oh, yeah, we're going to head out. I can afford to treat you like a queen because I've been using Rocket Money.

Ooh, la, la. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash riddle. That's Rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-D-L-E. See you later, guys. And, guys, if you go on a date with a bear, let the bear pay. Come on, Square Bear. Let's get near a convertible car and go to... We're going to Bear, Alinea.

Awesome. You guys, I'm rebranding. You know how my whole thing is how tired I am all the time? Yes. And that I am constantly trying to find solutions, and most of them have me, like, crash after a couple hours. Sure. Yeah.

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I thought I'd have an Australian accent. No, no. Catherine Hepburn as a kangaroo? Help, help, help, help, help, help, help. Kangaroo Hepburn? Okay, well, now is this good at time. as any to start some riddles. Okay.

I have some listeners submitted ones from Lucia. Thank you so much for sending these in. And she got these in a place that I felt a little surprised by, and maybe this is my own ignorance. But they're from one of the Mary Poppins books. And there's a fourth book, which surprised me, that Michael, these riddles, Michael Banks had to solve in order to leave the evil cat kingdom. And Lucia just said this as if that is a common, part of the lore of Mary Poppins. And I'm horrified.

Is Michael Banks a character from Mary Poppins? Michael Banks is the son in Mary Poppins, the little boy. So it's Jane Michael Banks or the little, he's the little boy that Mary Poppins watches. Got it. But is anyone familiar with this? No. No. The extended Mary Poppins universe.

Yeah, the evil cat kingdom? No. I don't know anything about, I mean, Dick Van Dyke, people fly. There's bad British accents, and that's the end of my knowledge of it. Please follow Will on Letterbox. It's a lot more where that came from. Dick Van Dyke, people fly. I don't know.

One star. Yeah. That's like Will's We didn't start the fire. Okay. So these are some, I guess, Mary Poppins riddles. Can I ask, Aaron? Yeah. In this I don't.

Mary Poppins is a movie. I think it was based on a book. But it was, okay, so it was based on a book. That is part of it. of its thing. Okay. That I had no idea about it. But the books, I think, like, I don't know if you saw Saving Mr. Banks, the Tom Hanks, Emma Thompson movie.

I know. I love it. I would love to see your review of that. The woman, I think her name is Mary Travers, who wrote Mary Poppins, was a very non-whimsical person, which is so strange. But she didn't want it to be a musical, and she didn't like how, like, silly and whimsical the movie ended up being. So I'm surprised to hear that.

there's an evil cat kingdom in one of her books. I'm going to dive. I'll do a deep dive into this. I'll report back to you guys. Thank you, Erin. If she's not whimsical, what are the books like? Because Mary Poppins is arguably the most whimsical character in cinematic history. I know.

I think it's supposed to be, I think, a little bit more like family-oriented. Like, I think it's a little bit more sentimental. I don't know. Maybe I'll read the Mary Poppins book. Yeah. Maybe you will, Aaron, and maybe you'll come a little bit more prepared before you just bring all this Mary Poppet stuff on us for the podcast. In front of a guest, Erin. I know.

I'm embarrassed for you. Whatever, boobs, rins. Can't want to come back from that. Okay, here we go. Round as a marble, blue as, and I'm considering these warm-up riddles. Globe. Okay. No, but I love the way that you're thinking.

Round as a marble, blue as the sea, unless I am brown or gray, may be. Smile and I shine my window pain, frown at me, and down comes my rain. I see all things but nothing I hear. See me to sleep and I disappear. It's a crying eyeball. It's an eyeball. Oh, all right. Damn it.

Adel got the color thing kind of. Yeah. Helped. So I'm trapped in the cat kingdom still. Yeah, Adel, you're allowed to leave. I do want to see a seat? Wait, do we know who's asking him the riddles in the cat kingdom? It's...

I'll look it up. Okay. Thank you. That's all I ask. I'd like to see a scene. Aaron and Will, you are two parents. Your child was lost years ago to the cat kingdom. He has just returned.

JPC, you are that child who's returned after many a year stuck in the cat kingdom. Hey, I want to tell you, Your backhand is really looking better these days, Aaron. Oh, my gosh. Today on the tennis, I really noticed it. Thank you so much. I'm just, like, I'm dealing with the arthritis, and I just, my wrist is not as, well, what it was before. The attention you're paying to your game is paying off.

Hey, what's that noise? Is there someone upstairs? I can't be. We're alone. Happy. Yeah, I know. We're sure. Uh, uh, uh, ha.

Meow. Grab a knife. I mean. No, not me, out. There's someone here. Hello. Grab a knife. Sir, I should.

Sir, this is our eyes. Our home, okay? This is Texas. I have a right to kill you. I live here. You live here. All right. We have a right to kill you, by the way.

This is North Austin. I'll stab you in your throat. Who are you? Look at me. Look at me. Why? It's me. It's your Jeffrey.

I've returned. Jeffrey? Yes, Jeffrey. But you were cute. You were cute and likable. You were small. You were so small. Our Jeffrey was a little boy that went missing, and we looked for like an hour.

We gave it the old college try. What? We looked for an hour. We delegated a search team for the rest of the day. I came up empty. I got lost in the cat kingdom. I spent 13 years in there. You looked for an hour?

Cat kingdom. Yeah. I mean, I got to be honest, for the first week, it was like a transition portal. I could hear you. You guys couldn't hear me. I was in the walls. I was calling your names. Mom, you told me to shut up a couple times.

I remember. Did I? Yeah, no, I do remember there was a period after you left where I thought I was hearing things in the walls. It was sort of a very needy, it was sort of very needy kind of week. Yeah, I was 13. Let me tell you something. Dual income no kids is a really great way to live. Yeah.

And you know what it's like going through puberty and the cat kingdom? You're having all these confusing feelings that all there is is anthropomorphic cats You were in a cat kingdom Hey well yes I was in a cat kingdom Look at me I'm covered in fur Good for you No not good for me

There's no schools in the cat kingdom You should go back Yeah go back trust me The economy you don't want to There's the environment's collapsing The economy of capitalism We're in the late stage capitalism It's even worse there

It's even worse there It's worse than the cat kingdom Yeah, there's two wars going on. Oh, no. Yeah, they elected like a celebrity cat as ruler of the cat kingdom. Well, you're not going to believe what's been happening out here. Oh, boy. What?

Oh, man. Hey, I'll go to the cat kingdom today. I don't live it here. What do you think the portal is? A litter box? Yeah. So you have to, like, be willing to shove yourself through the sand of the litter box? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. That's the only thing that makes sense. Okay, I'm looking into this Mary Poppins nonsense. It's P.L. Travers, who wrote it. Third book in the original series. And then they did a short based on this third book. What do you mean a short? Oh, like a Disney short?

Yeah, that Julie Andrews is in. So she showed up for that. I don't know. I don't know. We'll figure it out later. Okay. I think I might have just jumped timelines. Here's the second month.

deep within me is a bird and in that bird another me and in that me a bird again now what am i in letters three egg yes um i bird and the egg question would like to see a scene um will and adel you guys are both chickens and adle you just laid an egg for the first time and you're like really scared and confused and you are um confiding and will about it um so don't freak out But this came... What is it? Your voice is scary me. This came...

This came out of me. What? Philip, this came out of me. I sat down. I was trying a new way of sleeping. And when I lifted up my bottom half... Beatrice, this is... This came out of you?

This came out of me. Now, at first, I thought maybe I had just sat on it. But, no, at some point, I felt sort of an elastic... How to describe it? It's sort of like, it was sort of like when you're passing like a golf stone? Yeah. Well, Beatrice, I don't understand. Have you been eating larger versions of these?

How could this happen? No, I've never seen anything like this. And Philip, I want you to know you're the father. I don't know what this is, but you're the father. I'm the father. I'm responsible for this. Whatever this is, you're responsible. Listen, I'm up at the crack of dawn every day.

the crackadon. You're up at 10.45 a.m. Max. I beat you, miss. I'm up five or ten minutes before you, all right? Because I'm up until 4 a.m. warding off wolves. The sun, you do what the sun does already. Hey, guys. Oh, hey.

Knock, dog, it's me, farmer Tom. Just let you know, we are going to kill some of you today. So is anyone sick or on their last leg or anyone doing anything weird? I'd like, we're feeling good, something weird. Uh, no. Philip said he can't sleep. Yeah. Hmm.

Okay. Wait. All right. So, you just went to the top of my list, Philip. No. Fantastic. Oh, shit. Wait, he's the father of this.

Oh, hold on. Wait, Farber. Farber top. Yeah, what's up? This is a tribute. This is put this, add this to the pile. This is, I'll call it a, a, egg. Shit, I bet to say leg, and I...

Where did you find this? I came out of my... It came out of Beatrice's... By cloaca. Yeah, came out of her cloaca. Like everything I don't recognize. I'm going to go inside and I'm going to try eating this. And then I'll be back.

Okay. Bye father, Tom. And I, and I, um, I'm feeling fine, actually. I'm feeling fine. God. I mean, I understand I've got to be killed someday, but not today. I'm almost done with my pilot. Are you still working on that piece of shit?

Yes, I'm still working on it. It's not a piece of shit. And you still think you'll get Greg Kadeer to star this? I think I'm going to get Greg Kinnear and Helen Hunt. We're going to do it as good as it gets reboot. Delosional. Welcome to Netflix. You have about a minute to pitch your show. Tell us what you're thinking.

Gosh, nervous. Sorry. So sorry. Whenever you're ready. Well, okay, we all remember as good as it gets. We all remember all of the details of that movie. And we were... Yes.

There's been no better romantic comedy before or since, as good as it gets. A man suffering from mental illness that's unaddressed with a perfectly B-plus sitcom actress. And I'd like to bring that back. But get this. They're talking pieces of shit. the turds that come out of the barnyard animals have personality like toy story but it's shit story. We're not interested but we are hungry.

Wings guys? I'm thinking wings were like. Snacks your neck. We just ate Jonah Hill. You don't think we're going to eat you? I see. Oh my God. Here we go.

You really stuck it to Netflix on that one. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Take that. Take that. Take that. Sarandos? Zazlov?

Which one? I don't know. Hey, what are you guys? Take that one of you guys. We have one more Mary Poppins riddle. And then we're going to take a quick break. Okay. And then we get out of the Cat Kingdom, right?

If we get this one right? Yeah, but I don't know. You might have to be here for another thousand years. Be kings here. Narnia rules. Narnia rules. Oh, I can see a way. Narnia rules, dude.

Narnia rules. Narnia rules. Elegant into the jungle beast. that lives in field and fold. He's like the sun when he is young and like the moon when old. He sees no clock, he hears no time, and yet he always knows the time.

What is it? I'll read it again. Elegant into the jungle beast that lives in field and fold. He's like the sun when he is young and like the moon when old. He sees no clock and hears no time, and yet he always knows the time. This one's hard.

He sees no clock and here's no time? Here's no time. And yet he always knows the time. I think the most helpful part of this riddle is he's like the sun when he is young. So what's like the sun when he's young? He's like yellow and he's young. Like a chick? He's like the moon.

He's like green or something? Like a goose? No. Still still eggs. Yeah. So he's yellow when he's young and what gray? when he's old? Yeah.

It's the moon. I would say grayish white. Grayish white when he's old. But also like a totally different vibe when he's old, I would say. Totally different vibe. Is this also, is this a living thing, Aaron? Yeah. It's some, yeah, it's organic matter.

It's alive. It's alive. It grows. Some sort of plant. Hmm. Yes. Sunflower seed? Sunflower to sunflower seed?

You're getting close. Sunflowers. Okay, so a plant that goes gray? Oh boy Well whiteish Whiteish Whiteish Almost like clear

Clear Clear It's clear Thinly sliced garlic Yellow and two gray Is this one of those They're pretty common Oh oh oh oh oh

Dandelion A Dandelion You have been released from the cat kingdom Way to go I'm 37 years old I see Dandelions all the time I don't think I've ever seen like a mid-transition dandelion from when it's going from the yellow to like the white wispy things.

I feel like I need to watch like a time lapse video of it to know that it actually happens. I think they close again, don't they? And then it almost looks like it's like sprouting like mold or something, those white things. Like it does like a little closed thing. The yellow parts go away. They all fall off and then or they just suck back in.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I should know this about dandelions, but I've only ever seen their two states. They're doing it in private. Yeah, they, I think that they all fall off. Okay, yeah, okay. I mean, I've never seen a squirrel asleep, but I trust they do it. I think it like closes again. Okay.

So it's like it blooms, it closes, and then it poofs and then it wilts. Have you guys seen those time lapse videos of like plants, like house plants moving at night? Yeah. Is to follow the sun or like? Yeah, because like, because you don't. think about like your plants moving but they move a fuck ton like I have like um like like but like if you watch the people have like time lapse videos of their plants at night and their plants are like just going crazy like just

moving around but they move so slowly that we we wouldn't like recognize it as movement but it's pretty it's pretty odd stuff I haven't seen the nighttime I've seen where they like track the sun across the sky oh yeah it's a window but I haven't seen like nighttime party plants. Maybe it's like a specific type of nighttime party plant. But I have one that I I don't know what kind of plant it is. But

every morning when I wake up, I'm like, oh, you're at a completely different angle than you were when I went to sleep. Just the thought of this video is terrifying me. I've never heard her thought about this and it's completely terrifying. The plants are moving around? Oh yeah, they're moving. They're moving.

Are they like comatose people? Like, they're alive and awake and they're trying to talk to us we're just like dumping water on them and stuff like that. Is every plant a depressed, trapped spirit that I now have to feel bad for? Well, don't they grow better when you're like being nice to them? I'm not even kidding. I think someone did a study on this. They do, yeah.

I talked to my friends too. I was at a stadium concert the other week, a food fighters concert. And I was sitting there in the open stadium. It was at the soldier field. And I saw one bird like flying over the, field. And I was like, that to me is like, if there was reincarnation, you like as a bird, you're like, I'm going to go to every stadium show that's ever, that comes to town. And I'm never going to buy a ticket, baby. I'm just going to cruise over for like, just when they play

monkey wrench and for no other songs. And then the other day I saw was I saw a monarch butterfly in the stadium. And I was like, brother, you're not in the right place at all. Like, the, the speakers here are like, you're like, they've, they've killed you. You've, you've, you. You've, You're walking dead at this point, Monarch Butterfly. You don't need to be here. Anyway. Wow. You saw the real concert.

Mother Nature. Well, if you died, do you want to come back as a Seagull at a Red Sox game? I wouldn't mind. You know I wouldn't mind. That'd be great. That would be great. But they lost the last two games, Aaron. That's because you're not paying enough attention.

You're right. You started their winning streak, so you have to pay some attention. You started losing streak. I did. Nothing to do with it. I'm not capable of positive reinforcement. I feel like we did talk about this on the show, Aaron. The Josh Gondelman episode.

Yes. So now, and I haven't been following, unfortunately I have not been following baseball since the Josh Gondelman episode, but you fuck it. You fuck the Red Sox now, Aaron. Sox went on a huge winning streak when Aaron Keefe went to a game, and it was continuing all through July. One of the best winning periods of any baseball team's history.

They've completely turned it around, but they lost the last two games. Adam's disappointed me. You're like a fan version of Bill Buckner. Come on. Come on. No, Aaron, that's fair. That's fair for what you are.

No, I like when fans feel guilty for what a multi-million dollar organization that doesn't even know who they are. Since they're losing again, has the Boston Globe turned on them? No, the globe is still on their side. The Globe has been won over, but I think they'll turn quickly. They've only lost two in a row. It's not, it's in and of itself, nothing. But if it's the beginning of the end, the globe will turn on them quick. It's in one's ball game still.

I'm obsessed with sports headlines that are very negative. They really make me laugh. But a sports journalist is just like, pig-brained idiots can't hit ball like a bunch of evil men. They're just so emotionally betrayed by a team. I'm so sorry. I do need to see, just because I heard the globe, I do need to see Will you are Boston Superband

and aired your Lois Lane and this is when you discover that Clark Kent is Boston Superman. So yeah, I've got that copy checked, Lois, for the news story on Harvard versus MIT. What? Where are your glasses? What?

Oh, oh, no, no, no, hold on. Don't look. Don't look. Oh, my God, Clark, are you fucking serious? Are you thinking Superman? Okay, I'm Boston Superman. All right. Lay off. So what?

Big Whop. Get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my house? Get hell out of my house? You lie to me like this. You lie to me like this in my house. Oh, give me a, like you pay enough attention to even notice if I lie. I fell out of a tree the other day.

And Clark Kent just went, oh, honey, that looked painful. You could have flowed up. Are you joking? I couldn't. I like. I mowed a lawn. Yeah, sure you mowed a lawn. You know, I'm bad, hey, I've got bad depth perception.

It's everybody even crypto. You're Superman. Yeah, but, you know, it's, you know, for your depths of field, not so great. Listen. You're the laziest husband I have ever that could, on this earth. Quark Kent is the laziest husband. Do you have that, okay? Boston Superman, he's great, okay?

Oh, he's a little overrated. I got to maintain it. It's to protect you. I can't have Boston Lex Luthor coming and messing up your shit. Oh, Boston, Superman, come quick. Jappaquick's happening. I got, oh, I, maybe I'm gonna. Oh, I missed it.

Scene. That's what they call that, right? Chapiquitic. Yeah, that did it. It's happening. Ted Kennedy killed that girl. I was trying to think of other angles on things. I was like, Delaware, Batman.

Yeah, that's got a couple of Chicago guys to go deep on Boston Lord. It's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair. Let's take a little break while JBC figures out what Delaware Batman is. Why do you want to start a 50133? Right. Now, these are kind of hard, but I think that this is the right of people for these next.

Okay. I'm up to the challenge. Just if anyone cares. If it was counting, I'm up to the challenge. I'm counting. All right, everybody. We are back. We are going to do some more listener submitted riddles.

These are, I think, incredibly impressive. Considering also that this listener is from the Czech Republic, So these are from Yana. And these, they have deemed these word chops. And they're not totally sure if we've done these on the show before, but I don't think we have. And they're a little complicated to describe, but I think once we're in it, it will be very clear. They better be, Erin. They better be really.

I'm actually quite terrified to be doing this. I will give you a text with some words missing. Each missing word is the same word as the previous missing word, but with one letter removed. Okay. Every time a word is used, a letter is chopped from it. Okay. Okay. Can we hear an example?

I would love to give you an example. A blank rides his horse through stormy blank. Through a stormy blank. Little does he know, the end is blank. Hmm. Daniel, Daniels. A blank writes his horse Jockey?

Yeah, what are some other? Stormy blank? That was the second one? Yeah, so a blank Rides his horse through a stormy blank. A knight Rides its horse through a stormy knight. Uh-huh. Little does he know the end is. Nine. Nye. Yes.

That's fun. JPC. It was great. Smarter than I look. And I look fucking stupid. I'd actually like to see you. see. JPC, you're going to be a knight. Adel, you're going to be his horse.

And Adel, you're like, it isn't it a little kind of scary outside to be going and JPC are encouraging him to push through. We'll grab some hay over here. No, no, no hay, no hay, no hay. Hey, my brave steed, we must continue on for the princess's life is in grave danger. Oh, well, I've heard. Onward into the night. Through the twisty brambles and the trees and the darkened shapes and the haunted owls.

Okay, you could either say onward or kick. What are the others preferred? It's a little muddy. I don't want to break a hoof. Yes, but who are we a knight in his valiant steed to be frightened of a little mud? Steve. I'm sorry? My name is Steve.

We've talked about this. Your name is Hernaldo. A powerful name. Very good, very good. Oh, poor dear knight. Oh, I don't mean to disturb you. I'm an old lady who lives in this... Huffle.

Witch, that's a witch. No, no, no, no, no, no witch. No, no, no, no, no. Listen. Pardon me, man, but you have a big water pot on your nose. It's the humidity. Listen, I'm ridden by a night, but not last night. Come on, you're a witch. No, no, no, no, no. Let's come on. I'm an old lady. Now, listen, my hovel...

We're not saying you're not an old lady. You're definitely an old lady. We're saying you're probably also a witch. You have a wand. I'm a, no, nothing supernatural about. Don't be silly. Now listen, my hovel. Throw the wand away. Throw the wand into the woods. I need this. I need this for balance. I need this for balance. I need the wand from... No, listen, relax. Hey, look at that. Hey, I've known this horse for 10 years. I've never heard of laugh once. That broke my horse.

Hey, you're a fucking witch. Come on. I'm not, come, relax. I need to stick to balance. It's not even a cane. It's not even touching the ground. I just point, listen. Can I get you something from my, yes?

I want to let you get to your thing, but you're a fucking witch. Tell me you're a witch, and then I'll let you get to your thing, but you're a witch. I can't do it. I can't do it because I'm not a witch, okay? Woo. Oh, come on. Come on. Come on.

That's classic. It's an indeterminate noise. That's a noise. It's a witch noise. That's a witch noise. That's a witch noise. This is a witch noise. That's too good.

You had that loaded. You had it loaded too good. No, I'm a fan of old Disney animation. Huh? Listen, would you say, horse? What is it? Textbook witch? Come on.

I'm holding up. I'm opening up a book. I'm turning it towards you. That's basically a drawing of you. Oh, I admit there's some resemblance. Listen, let's come in. And before I sound crazy, I know he's not a horse. I know he's a guy.

He's strong. Oh, it's good. Yes, you're riding a man. He's a man, yeah. Good for you. He's my sister's kid. What? I'm doing my sister a favor by having him be cut of my horse.

How's that a favor? You're riding him as a favor? I'm sorry, did I say favor? I meant punishment. He's my sister's kid and he's being punished. Which is a favor to my sister, really. I see. I'm not to explain myself to some witch.

I'm not a witch. Now come into my candy house and I'm going to show you my cauldron. Oh, candy. Oh, candy, okay? Why didn't you say so? What the hell? Let's go. That guy's going to be a real horse by the end of this for sure.

I love the... That's a wand. No, no, no, no. I need this. for balance. For balance is so funny. All right, let's do some of these. And I think, yeah, and some of these like sentences, you'll get it.

It's good. It's good. I hope so, Aaron. I hope so. It only costs a blank to buy those peas. And before you give them to the ducks in the blank, make sure you remove them from the blank. It only costs a pound. Pond.

Pound. What was the last sentence? Make sure to remove them from the blank. What? It's the peas. Pod. Pound? Pod, yes.

Pod. Motherf. Son of a gun. We got the hard one and lost the easy part. Yeah, pod. I know. This one has four words in it. That's impossible.

I know. I know. I will, please don't freak out. I'm so sorry. Don't log off. We just learned these riddles, but surely there cannot be four. That breaks all logic from the two we've done. The sword.

blank hit him in the head. It's quite blank for a battle, he thought. But once you are a, oh, sorry, but once you are a blank with a castle, sword swinging close by your blank is the price of doing business. And I'm so sorry, these are hard to get through. Let me read it again. Okay, okay. The sword blank hit him in the head. It's quite blank for a battle, he thought.

But once you're in blank with a castle, swords swinging close by your blank is the price of doing business. Close by your ear. Yes, great way of doing this. Oh, Earl? Mm-hmm. It's quite blank for a battle. Early? Yes.

Early. And the sword blank. The sword, is it like an adverb, like the sword heavily or something? Yeah, the sword blank hit him in the head. Early? Really? Nearly? Nearly.

You guys, you managed to get through it. I'm actually that, congratulations, everybody. That was a lot of hard work from the boys. I had to do backwards. I had to do backwards. I'd like to see a scene with Aaron as a warrior who's just in it to try to become an earl. Like she's just super worried about how this is going to help her career. Perfect.

Adel and JBC are two warriors who actually are worried about the battle. Great. Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful, careful, careful. Oh, my shield doth block the arrow. Good call. Thank you for the heads up. Huh? Oh, my God.

That would have been so bad. Yes, fairly, yes. It would have, I mean. How's my hair? What, oh, your head looks fine. My hair. We do right. Is it out of place?

Hmm? Is it out of place? Might I suggest a helmet for the battle? because... Yeah, I want helmet hair. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and come home a hero with helmet hair. Yeah, right. Oh.

Sarcasm doth fork your tongue into our minds. We should be focusing on the battle at hand. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Stand in front of me. Huh? Oh, my gosh, stand in front of me. Well, we do stand abreast so as to best foil our foe. The phalanx tactic is one of precision and protection. Oh, my God, don't let them get me. Kicks a kid in a well. This is Sparta. Yeah.

Merely, I say, do you want to draw your blade or perhaps a spear? No. So what have we here? The enemy. So close. Three heads for me to chop off me. Which side are you guys?

We're shirts. Your skins. That I am skins. And I shall defeat. You three in the name of this. What? Good sir. If you are skins, good sir.

Take off your shirt. Ah, I'd be glad to. Of course. Chain mail, still chain mail. All right. Let me just take this layer off. There we go. Now I am.

Ah! Yes. Yes. I got that one. That was me. I got that one. No. You, my lord.

You couldn't possibly. That was obviously mine. Count as me. Tell my story. We don't know. name. We didn't get your full name. Could you... Wait, you want us to tell that story to people? No, not leave that part out.

Leave that part out. That's the only part we know about you. No, no. I was a teacher. I was a teacher. A teacher. Quick, your name and your lands? Brad. Brad. And up from Skin South. Okay, Brad died of embarrassing death. No, no, no, tell that part.

No, I want teacher of the half year. Teacher of the half year. I don't know. Teacher of the half year? We give him out in half, I mean, that was clear from teacher of the half year, right? It's like winning employee of the two weeks. Why are you confused? Why are you confused?

It just doesn't seem impressive. It's not my story. I'm going to tell about all of this. No. This is part of it. Were you married? Yes. For like two months.

But, oh, that's not. You do not want us to tell you. You do not want us telling your story. Just tell the married part. Oh, she was a, she was, oh, boy, oh, boy. She was what? She was, uh, he was a easy. Brian, she was easy on the eyes.

I'd tell you this. She was a winner. 10 out of 10. This is a bad story. You're not going to like us telling this. She got, well, she was drunk when we got married. It was Vegas. And then she sobered up and was embarrassed.

And a month later, divorced me. The wedding was beautiful. I am going to tell your story. I am going to tell this. This is crazy. I changed my mind. I changed my mind. Oh, a song?

You prefer a song? No, just leave me out of it. Let me die. Brad, we've already written it down. I'm not going to waste wheel of the ink. He was dumb and his body was funny. His wife divorced him after two months, something like that. He died an embarrassing death.

No, no, no, that's okay. Okay, so I know Netflix passed on it, but here at Apple TV, we don't pass on anything. We take every single pitch that is pitched to us. So what have you got for us? You said you've got a brilliant story that you heard about on a battlefield that sounds like something. Sugar Season 3. Okay.

I'll never understand. You come in and you pitch a third season of an existing show. They'll do it. Apple TV show. They'll do it. If you could do Sugar Season 3 cheaper than what we were going to pay the guys who did season 1 to do, we'll let you do it. Well, speaking of Apple TV, just really quick.

Yeah. What episode of Widows Bay is your voice sneakily in? I'm barely in Widows Bay. My good friend Katie Diplold, who I'm on an improv team with, created Widows Bay. And she's the genius behind it. And she's a true lunatic in a good way. Obsessed with horror. But, yeah, I am in the episode where Patricia throws a party and is possessed by a devil but doesn't know it.

Yes. That's the best episode. It is the best episode. The Jeff Hiller's character, I forget his name, because I just think of him as Jeff Hiller, tries to DJ, but he's got to, he plays Spotify and an ad comes up and I am the ad. It's like, wow. This is how we do it. And I'm like, let us tell you how we do it at mail pattern, baldness, you know, prevention. Yeah, I know that exact scene.

That's outstanding. I snuck in there just for the, really my friend Neil Casey, I friends wrote that episode, or no, wrote for the show. and he wanted to do the ad, but then they cast him in a role where he's in the scene. So, he's like the inn owner, right? Yeah, he owns the end. But that show is incredible.

And it's one of those things where she's been talking about it forever. Like, as early as 2014, she had like a huge document, like, show Bible thing where it was like her dream. Couldn't get anybody to pay attention to it because it was like high budget, multi-genre. Yeah. And then, um,

And then it finally went and it's everything she wanted, which is cool. I mean, we're in like such a horror or a sance right now. It's just like the perfect time for horror. Yeah. I'm not a big horror person, but I loved Widows Bay. I thought it was fantastic. Absolutely. It's pretty incredible.

Yeah. It's an embarrassment of spooky riches. What's that? What's that? I was just saying it's an embarrassment of spooky riches. It is. Let me tell you something Katie would do for her Halloween parties. She always does scary things.

at our Halloween parties. One year, you came to her house for the party, you got to the front door, it's locked, and there's a sign that says, key is in the tent behind you. And you turn around, and out across the street is a little pup tent with a spotlight on it. And you have to run across the street into the tent to get a key for the door. And then when you come out of the tent, a man dressed as Michael Myers is walking towards you with the machete. And you have to run to the door and unlock it and get in before he cuts her up to you. How sure were you that that was part of the party? Are we 100%?

That's so scary. Yeah. That's incredible. It was pretty amazing. Katie DiPold is the originator of the Babaduke tweet, right? She's the Babaduque tweet, yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable.

That's probably still the most famous thing she's done. And she's like, wrote for parks and wreck for years and wrote the heat and stuff. But it's like, oh, the Babaduke tweet. Should we do Go ahead Yes, please No please We do one more of these

And I will return to them There is more But we're going to do one more And then we will move on And Delaware Batman will return No I think Don't forget tortoise

Tortoise To be the most fleshed out character I've done in like 10 years So You're telling us All of her good characters Can't come back Aaron Sheeb on you

Oh you're right You're right You're right They should Her blank of hand skill was low. Thus, there was only a blank chance she would steal the key. It was a glorious blank when the dice fell on Nat 20. Everybody around the table breathed the blank of relief.

Slight, light, and the sigh is the last one. Yeah. Light? Light. Slight light. It was a glorious. Sight. Sight.

Yes. Sight. You guys got it. That's amazing. Want to do one more? You got that faster than I thought you would. Yeah, let's do one more. Okay, here we go.

The table was blank set for the banquet. It was meant to look like something out of a blank tail. Although to be blank with this kind of money, I could do a blank better job. Fairly, fair, far. Yes. Holy fuck. You guys got really quick at these. You're quick on the draw.

Holy shit. Well. Not me. I was going much better job. Let's work backwards from much. Mouch. I like to see a seed. Will, you are babysitting to kids, Aaron and JPC.

And it's bedtime and they want you to read a fairy tale and you just kind of have to make do. All right, kids. It's about that time. Wait, wait, before you go, tell us a story. First of all, I'm not going. You're just going to go to sleep. but I'm not leaving. Don't worry. Yeah, right. Our babysitters always say that, but we get out of a room sometimes and they're long gone.

Okay, no, I wouldn't do that. You're going to go to bed and I'm going to be down here protecting the house. So don't you worry about that? Protecting the house. From what? Well, you know, that's a good question. I mean, that's the whole idea of a babysitter. Hmm. Well, this sounds like an old lady out there. So, you know, we don't want the old lady to come in here and bore you with stories of the 1970s. So that's what I'm here for. So don't worry about it. What were you saying, Aaron?

A story before bed. Okay, one story, okay? You just look down at your pack of cigarettes and then back at us. Is there something you'd rather be doing? I got like five minutes. Let's do a quick story, but one story and then you... Oh, God, I feel itchy. With like a A plot, a B plot and a C plot.

All three plots? Yes. And that's like romance and then like a lesson. like a hero's journey. Okay, a romance, heroes journey and a lesson. An A, B, and C plot? It doesn't have to be a lesson, but it should be a moral. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so a romance in a just universe with an A, B, and C plot. Ooh, yeah, just universe. Wasn't that what you mean? A moral, there's no... Well, no, sometimes you can learn through... And also, maybe some of, like, creative storytelling where you kind of break the mold. Like, the Save the Cat part is a part where you might not expect.

Okay. Oh, a twist. Why not have a twist? Okay. So a surprise, save the cat moment, a twist, breaking the mold in a romance that teaches us something, and it has an A, B, and C plot. Why don't you do this?

I'm just going to get on the whiteboard here, and I'm just going to start writing stuff down as you go through the story. Because I want to make sure that you hit every element. Okay, that'd be great. Okay, once there was a flawed night. Mm-hmm. He was a great hero in battle. but he was never able to find love

because he was unable to compliment women. What is in that cigarette box? He keeps staring at it. Nothing. I'm just like, nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it. Oh, God. I'm trying to cut down.

I'm trying to cut down to only four packs a day. He couldn't talk to women? He couldn't talk to women. Hello, good night. You do cross my path today. let me just bend down and pick up this kerchief. Out of my way, lady. Oh, ow! Don't, ow!

I got things to do. Do not shove. I love you. Get out of my way. I love... You can't even... I had my hair, dug. And so this night just was really bad at talking to women. That's the A plot.

An anti-hero. That's the A-plot. Okay. That's the A-plot. That's the A-plot. We're going to say with this guy, I thought we were introducing like a B-plot early. maybe it is to be blood. So the night... Don't be too wedded to it.

Tell the story, but don't be too wedded to it. Throw it away. Like, throw away the idea. It's like, it doesn't matter. So the knight is having trouble with love, right? Uh-huh. Okay. But his brother is a wizard.

But, okay. I love when people put butt in my story. Okay. And he's never asked his brother for help because they don't get along. Sure. But he knows that his brother can make a love potion that would just fix everything easy.

You can't smoke in here. I'm just holding it. I'm just holding it. I'm not lighting it up. Don't worry. I'm going to put the one behind my ear, but I'm not going to like that one, and I'm not going to like the one that's in my hands.

And I've had another one in between my nose and my upper lip right this, okay? That's going to make the story tell it hard. Okay, so he goes to the wizard. The wizard's like, I, you know, did you know our father died? And the knight's like, no, I didn't know that. was it's like, I promised them I'd be nice to you.

So I'm going to do one favor for you. Happens off screen. Okay. Maybe we show it. I'll make the potion, but... By the way, this is my friend. He's here to help act things out. Hey!

This is Bernie. Hey. Hey. I just got back from the cat kingdom, and boy, it's my tongue tired. Seed. What? I was looking my ass the whole way. Oh, God.

Well, well, a dream to have you here. Kind of sounds like the guy who's in the Pussy Kingdom. That's kind of the vibe the guy's trying to put off. It sounded oral sexy. It sounded like he went to the cat kingdom. My brain immediately that you just were cleaning cats for years with your tongue. But. Or oral sex.

It makes sense that his tongue's tired. He's cleaning cats, licking his ass, giving oral sex to anybody. Live in the dream. The holy trip. Will, anything to pull? plug or promote or anything you want to check out? I don't have anything.

I don't have anything. I don't have anything. Go to my Instagram. Willie B. Heinz. I got Weez's theater if you're ever in Los Angeles for shows or classes. I'm the 10th biggest improv theater in Los Angeles. So come on by

an only moderately sketchy shopping center where we have really truly terrific shows. That's the world's greatest improv school. But if you go to my Instagram, Willie B. Hines, I'll plug stuff there that comes up in shows and stuff. So you can follow me there. What's the name of the team that you're on with Katie?

The Smokes. We're a UCB team, former ex-New Yorkers who kind of founded an LA team forever ago. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you know what? We do once a month show first Friday every month, and I'm going to say it's great.

That's awesome. So come on by and check that out. Adel, anything to plug or promote. Check out the new season of Hello from the Magic Tavern, which should be going now. Aaron, anything to plug or promote? I got nothing. Check out boobs rinse on Comedy Bang Bang.

You're plugging my character. Go pay for Comedy Bang, bang, go back to 2014, and go listen to the episodes where Will truly tried to make his characters happen. I think that's what I'm going to do next. The Pat Nosswald, Lauren Lapkis episode where I play an alien named Q Thor,

you can hear me do Comedy Bang Bang. Completely wrong. As I try to do a real character that I'm bad at and they're not interested in. I got to listen to this. That was my first ever episode. I didn't even know that anybody famous would be there like Pat Nosswald was there. And I was sort of like, what's happening?

Why am I on this show? That is the scariest part of comedy bang bang is you show up and you have absolutely no warning at what celebrity is going to be there. Yeah. I knew, I knew Lauren Lapkis, so she sort of protected me. But like, that's a truly, I mean, if you're interested in hearing a really mid-comedy episode in which you know that one of the people is sweating his entire all the water and his body is coming out of his forehead it's even but it's fun to know it now with the context you go

back and you think like oh wow if you listen i'll say this just to you jay and nobody and everyone listening you can just stop listening to the episode now i don't mean to make you guys but um jbc the next episode because of that one i bring nothing the very next one i am a librarian and i have nothing And Scott immediately is, I think Scott immediately like there was different sensitivity about autism back then. He goes, are you autistic? I think that was his first question to me. Oh, no, wait, wait. No, he said, can you read?

And I said, no. That's how it started. And I was like, this is better. This is the way to do it. Just like, this is horrifying because you are better at comedy bang, bang, than me. And yet, you're a story. A big, a big great first interview question is, can you read? I mean, I got to say, that's an all-timer.

That is an all-time interview question. But I went- Roldo asking me if I could read. Because as the first episode had gone so badly, I was like, all right, I'm just going to come in with nothing and I'm going to say yes to literally anything anybody even breathes towards me. And he goes, can you read? And I'm like, he said, you can't you?

That's right. I can't read. It was, I remember I was like saying yes sort of robotically. But that's just for you, JPC. Nobody else out there dig those up because neither of those. episodes went great. You say I'm better at this air, but every, I think Scott is just amused at how, how truly on my heels I am. He has all these, like, geniuses who have no problem. And then Will Heinz comes in and just is tripping and falling all over everything. And he's like, hey, this is good for me.

I very much enjoy it. Go listen to Will Heinz episodes. What else do people listen to? Listen to to Gumshoes and Dragons. And listen to the patron of this show. If you got five bucks a month, or if you don't want to hear some ads, go listen to that. And we'd really appreciate it. We'll have you on a long-form improv show on our Patreon someday. So we can really dig into some improv with you.

Yes, please. When I'm not talking to you guys, I'm sitting right here at this desk 24 hours a day. Reading Boston Globe headlines about the Red Sogues. Fierty, it's like, oh, you're not on their side. Aaron, I've got a Boston Globe headline right here. Would you like to read it? Hot dogs.

Bye. Bye, everybody. One, two, three, four, Hey, Riddle. Hey, there, Cars and Rabbits. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of this day in improv history. You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by by doing the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review

crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. Headgum.

So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. Yeah. We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes.

We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever you get your podcast. And watch videos on YouTube. new episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry.

I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good.

Thank you so much. You're welcome.