Hey Riddle Riddle - #426: The Periodic Table of the Rings

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

A day may come, when this show will get us all cancelled. But it is not this day. This day, we podcast!Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus & Ad-Free Eps on Patreon!JPC's Guided Meditations Volume 1, available now at our Patreon digital store!Want merch? Visit our Dashery Store!Want to mail us something? Hey Riddle Riddle 6351 W Montrose Ave #267Chicago, IL, 60634Want to leave us a voicemail? Call (805) RIDDLE-1 or (805-743-3531)Want to advertise on the show? Check out Hey Riddle Riddle via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Today's episode is supported by Jester's of Ravenloft, a podcast where a collection of comedians start a D&D campaign only to find out that they are the characters. And they've been sucked into the nightmare realm of Ravenloft. Oh my God. The number of times I've been sucked into a nightmare realm. I mean, Ravenloft sounds really nice. It's just not for me getting sucked in a minute. DEMmed by an award-winning game designer and voiceover actor with a cast made-up professional.

Comedians. Gestors of Ravenloft is a show that will make you laugh no matter what horrors are happening to its characters. Oh, and the best part is Justers of Ravenloft has been downloaded more than two million times. So you won't be the only loser listening to it. There's going to be other people. And it's ranked in the top 40 fiction podcasts on Spotify. I have actually been listening to this podcast. It's very, very funny. Like I normally am not one for actual play, but the way that they have the pacing, the pacing works out so well. It's so funny. It's so, um, well done and well produced. I think that people are really going to like gestures of Ravenloft.

You've got two new episodes every week, so there's twice the fun. It's the best Dungeons and Dragons podcast you've never heard of. Well, I've heard of it now, and I want to listen to it. And you can listen to Jester's of Ravenloft anywhere you get your podcasts. Our thanks to Jester's of Ravenloff for their support. Hip, hip, hip. Hoor! We should have planned what we were going to say.

Bark, bark, bark, JBC, me hungry. Adel, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food. That's fine. Okay. I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food. Rough rouse.

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I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of adle. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. take this dog it says to a people hospital I switched to Ali I tried it out my dog spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ali she is a dog one of these types of dogs I don't know if you heard of these types of dogs

she has a type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry now when it's time for dinner at about 4 o'clock every day she comes up and starts snapping at me like hey man get the Ali out of the French put it in the bowl dude you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it,

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Let me go dig her up. Oh, boy. Ollie, feed the obsession. DPC, would you be more embarrassed if audio of you being mean to Casey got released or audio of you being nice to Casey got released? Nothing embarrasses me. Next one. Can't possibly. Can't possibly happen. Nothing.

Nothing embarrasses you. I'm trying to think of the last time I can remember being embarrassed. Oh, that's a good question. And this is Hayward of Vurnal, a podcast about questions. And on this episode today, we're asking the important question, which was the last time you can remember being embarrassed? Aaron, for you, I would gather that this happened several times over the past 48 hours, I would say. Uh, yes. Yes, I would say. But I burned through my embarrassment quickly. Quickly. Because I have to or else I'd be dead on the floor.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I think I was embarrassed. Yes. Yes. Of course. Adel, woman's last time you were embarrassed. That's my secret cap. I'm always embarrassed. I stay embarrassed. JPC, not an embarrassed kind of guy. No, not an embarrassed kind of guy. I think it would take a lot, like, I'm trying to think if it would,

like, I've called people the wrong names before. I've done, like, things that, like, I feel like should be embarrassing, but I'm like, why bother? Like, why bother being embarrassed by this? Yeah, I don't know. If you were an inside-out emotion, Mm-hmm. What one do you think you could have?

body the most. And it doesn't have to be one of the ones that's in the movie. When you say which one could I body, do you mean like, fuck? Come on. Come on. Come on. It's 918 a.m. for me. That's the goal, girl. Boy, like, come in. You know what I'm saying? Busting in Lewis Black. Wasn't he, he was anger, right? Or something? But he got replaced. I think that should be a pretty cute couple. Yeah. Replaced? Wasn't there a thing with, I never saw inside out too, but wasn't there a thing where they

replaced a bunch of the original? people. Yeah, I think some people didn't come back. But I think it was like Mindy Kaling and Bell Hader. I think Lewis Black came back. Louis Black was back. Okay. Okay. It wasn't like a Terrence Malick, not Terrence Ballick. Terrence Howard Don Chittal situation? I don't think so. No. I think that maybe it was a money thing. Who knows? The best time about the Terrence Howard Don Chedal situation is that Terrence Howard has a line of Iron Man one where he looks at the armor and he says next time, baby. It's like the most embarrassing lot. Like you as an actor should comb through every line of the script and be like, hey, can I not

this one just in case you guys firing me and I get You might as well said I'm definitely going to be in the sequel, huh? Huh guys? Right? Right down to camera, right to barrel and just be like, sequel time, baby. Adel, what emotion do you think your voice would be great

at embodying? Oh, boy. I think about mine. I have no idea. Is incredulity an emotion? Sure. Yeah. That's the one I would. When it's like inside out five and they're really, they're really looking for something.

I want incredulity. Is putting on a brave face in emotion? Not even a brave face. Is putting on a face? Pride. That's my face, sir. Being an open wound in emotion? Yes.

I'll allow it. Okay. Here's my next question for you guys. when was the last time you guys were brave? Hmm. Well, I like to think every day. Every day? I, that's funny that you say that.

I feel like this week I'm realizing how not brave I feel lately. Interesting. I think I've felt pretty brave in my 20s. And now I'm like risk averse in a way that is holding me back and stressing me out. So I could use a little bit more bravery. I think. What about you guys? Yeah, you know what? I don't know. I mean, like, I do think that you, for me at least, personally speaking, I have gotten less brave as I've gotten older. But I don't know.

Like, I've been thinking a lot about bravery because like my kid is very interested in the concept of like being brave. And this weekend I was like, oh, you know what? We could watch Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Rings because I was like, I was like, I was thinking back, I hadn't seen that movie in a minute, but I was like, there are some scary parts, I think, in that, but like, maybe not like too, too scary. But also, I was like, well, let's see, because sometimes I'll put on something that I'm like, this might scare them, but it doesn't. Um, so we watched it. And we watched, not in one sitting, but we watched pretty much the whole thing. And they never really said that they were scared at all. So I never

mentioned being brave, because I was like, if you're not scared, then like, whatever, this could be normal. Um, but one of the, uh, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I meant, um, two towers, not Fellowship of the Rings. We watched the one with Ghalaum in it. That's significantly scary. That's what I thought. Because, well, the Fellowship has the

NASGOOle in it, and I feel like that part is kind of scary, but Two Towers has the big battle in it. It's like at the end of the movie. But I was like, you know, maybe the orcs, they're like cartoonish. Maybe they won't be, they weren't. They really weren't scared of the orcs. But I asked them afterwards who their favorite character is.

And they said, the one with the long knees. and I was like Uh I was like Saraman? Who's got the longest knees Lord of the Rings?

I was going to list Legulus maybe. Legulus? I got it. I got it I think on like the seventh guess but it's not Legatlist Not Saraman Longest knee?

The horse? This is another little mini game. Shadow facts? This is fun. No, it's not Shadow Fax not horse. You know who I always thought

was the most handsome in Lord of the Rings? Treebeard. Casey, great guest. Treebeard was my number two guess. It was not tree of beard. I was like, Treebird has long knees. The guy who, Rivendale, the king of Rivendale.

Elron? Elron. Mm-hmm. His son. Wait. Who like... Liv Tyler, his daughter? No, no, no, no.

Not Rivensdale. Oh, my God. I sound like my mom. Oh, my God. I sound like my mom. Wait, Faramir, or Boromir's brother? No. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's not saying that you would get down with an ant. That's like some tantric. That's like sting level patience. Just think about it.

They go real slow. Ear, nose and throat, baby. Emphasis on the throat. Who are you talking about? Is he a human or is an elf? Who says, you have no power here. And the second one? Warm tongue?

No. The guy who worm tongue is talking to. Oh, Theoden King. Theodin King. Theodin King. The son. No. Theon King's son dies, but he doesn't have any lines in the movie.

But the other one. Oh, boy. Am I out of my fucking mind? Lee Payson? No. Oh, is he? You're thinking of, um, oh, what's the guy? The guy from the boys.

That guy. What? He's his nephew. Oi. Oi. O you can't. I think, I'm thinking of Faramere. I'm thinking of Faramere.

I am. I'm thinking of Fairmir. You're thinking of Boromir's brother. Yeah. Yeah, that guy's good looking. Not for Rojas. It doesn't matter. I don't even care anymore.

I talked so long I don't define the answer anymore. I never realized how much it sounds like a periodic table. Yeah. Boromere, Faramir. Also, that's so true. What's his name, Strider, the Ranger? His name's not Strider.

He's his name's Strider for like one minute in the movie. Yeah. He is in love with two women. Not in love with two women. He's got like two women that are like pursuing him in the movie. And it's like Aowin and Arwen. And I'm like, you couldn't come up. You couldn't come up with two.

My name is Aaron. All ladies have the same kind of name. Heywin, Arwin, and Aaron. Gerald Tolkien would be like, okay, he's got two love interests. What about Mary and Mary? And someone's like, what can we? Would that get confusing to the reader? I feel like when I first either read it or saw the movie, I can't really remember.

I feel like I remember being like, he went to see Saramon. and I'm like, ooh, the guy who created the rings. And it's like, no, that's Soron. This is Saroman. Like, I remember being just for 30 seconds, but I remember being like, we couldn't distinguish this a little bit more? It's like Pokemon evolution of people.

Like, you're like, these guys have to be like cousins, you know? I saw a funny video on the internet recently where a woman was talking about how the evolution of crushes you have on Lord of the Rings is when you're like young and you're watching it, you think Legolas is handsome. And then you turn 25 and then you have a crush on Aragorn. and then you turn 35 and you have a crush on Sam. And I was like, oh my God, I spiritually understand this.

And then 45, Gimley. Gimley. And then 100% 45, Gimley, 50, you're gand off to the day you die. Aaron, fuck me. Okay. Gimley. And my ass. You guys still have not landed on the character with the long knees from Lord of the Rings.

I forgot what we were talking about. Long knees. Long knees. Boy, boy. My kid's one descriptor of this character was they have long knees and they are my... Ghalem. Casey got it. It's Ghalem. Your kid's favorite character was Ghalm? My kid's favorite character was Ghalm.

And I remember when Ghalm first, not when they first came on, but it was like one of the times where Ghalm was on the screen. They looked at me and they said, I like, I like his hair. It's so beautiful. But I said, his hair? His hair is what's... But I'm like, who am I to tell my kid what's beautiful? It's like, hey, you should have your own subjective experience of what's beautiful. But Gallup's hair is beautiful.

G. PC. It's been a minute since I've been in a biology class. So forgive me if I say anything that is a little bit stupid. Yeah. But is it possible that doing J.P. Riddles so many times jimble jambled your sperm in such a way that it permeated it. And now your kid's favorite character is gone and they think the character is nice hair. Do you think that you've accidentally imparted some of your, Adel, how do I say this gently?

Madness. I've got like my sexuality. Like 600's madness. I've seen like a sexual health spectrum graph and I'm like looking at Gallum. Like where does Gallum write on like, I don't know. Calcians on like, how gay will my kid be if they're into Gallum right now? Jimble jambles one of the cats, right, Aaron? Yeah, that he's a railway cat, I think.

I haven't looked in a minute. But yeah, if someone is a biologist out there, can you let us know if that's possible to pass sort of a madness like that along to your kid? I think that's fun as hell to not be, to like watch Sopranos and be like, Artie Bucco is my favorite. You know, I think it's fun to have an outside the box favorite. I think that's great. And Ghalam is like, Ghalam's fun. He crawls around on the ground. He's got like a weird scratchy voice.

He coughs his own name. Like there's some fun aspects of Ghalm. someone try you sound like my friends who are trying to sell their shitty boyfriends to the group he's fun he coughs his own name it's nice he's got long knees he is the most like cartoon-esque character like that voice if i was a kid and i heard that voice i do think it would be like fun yeah yeah yeah yeah he made me sad when i was a kid like i was just like i felt like bad for him but also he was kind of scary what about sneagle now we're talking about I felt bad for Smeagle when they do the flashback and you see Smeagel in the movies and

Smigle's just got Ghalem's voice and you're like, oh damn. That wasn't like a 500 years later thing. That was always the voice. Looking the same way, moving the same way, same voice. It's like, oh, it's just the name thing. I truly thought being in a cave for two centuries had done something to you, but it seems like it's just your whole shit. Like I got off the gray, again off the white thing where it's like just the slightest change.

His hair is straight. It is strange. He just got a blowout. That's, Gandalf's different. Yeah, I'm Aaron the white when I go to Dry Bar too. And then people, you see someone on the street afterwards, they're like, Aaron, and you're like, Aaron, that was my name. It's like, yeah, man, you're the same guy. Your hair is just slightly less frizzy right now, Aaron.

I need to get too many petty. My kid also called him Grandolf, which I thought was really fun. Because I do think he looks like a grandpa. So it's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His grandpa name is Grandolf. That checks out to me. Checks out to me.

Well, I'm not old man puzzles today. So I just want to let you know that I'm not. I'm not old Grandelph puzzles either. I mean, we basically have been doing riddles in the dark this whole time. You guys, you don't even know it because you've been having so much fun. You already answered Warner Riddle. Who's got the long knees of the Lord of the Rings movie? Casey answered it, but I see your point.

Casey answered it. And the way that Casey said Gallum, by the way, in the chat was Gallum. Dot, dot, dot, question mark. Like, it was the lowest confidence way that you could say Gallum. Gallum? Gallum, I guess. Well, here's something that I guess.

I guess that we can get into some riddles because we do have some riddles that we had a listener send us. And so I'm going to, and by send us, I mean like physically in the mail. If you ever want to mail it something, the mailing address is in the episode description of every episode. But before we get into that, let's take a little break. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. JPC, good to see you, buddy.

Oh, if it isn't my other friend. Well, well, well. Mrs. Keefe, first name, Squarin. I had it legally changed. You're welcome. How? Huh? Did I sign something?

You did on squarespace.com. Aaron, my dear, you signed everything. I love it. And we got you. You're Squaring now. And you can use Squarespace, Aaron, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business.

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I don't know what's about yet, but it's going to be very good. Good name though. Thank you. Hell of a title. Thanks. And Square, and I know you're worried about analytics,

seeing how people like the new name, Square and Keefe. With Squarespace, you can make smarter business decisions with intuitive, built-in analytic tools, review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement, and see if Square and Keefe is like really hitting it off, you know?

I hope so. Square and Keefe is an absolute 10 out of 10 winner. It's the best idea we've had in years, and it's going to be huge. And you know what else is going to be huge? You getting a Squarespace account. So head to Squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code riddle to save 50% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Look, guys, I'm square dancing.

I'm just regular dancing, but my name is. square in now, so it means I'm square dancing. Are we having fun? Because I am. Very fun much. Whoa. Who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well. You guys, you're looking in a mirror. Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something. We look like that? Yes, it's because you are wearing your new Quince high-quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adela, and your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button down, if I do say so myself. Wow, our styles are truly timeless, versatile, and designed to become dependable pieces that we

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Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. Vince Quince out. Bye Vince Quince. Does somebody say Quince Diesel? No. No, man.

Come on, man. You guys? I'm rebranding. You know how my whole thing is how tired I am all the time? Yes. And that I am constantly trying to find solutions and most of them have me like crash after a couple hours. Sure. Yeah.

That's all over now. I have ultra pouches. Does a cartwheel puts my hands up. Whoa. Whoa. She said does a cartwheel. Aaron, I am so happy for you. I mean, I am kind of sad that this means that we won't get any more like classic energy.

Eugeness Aaron antics, which were some of my favorite of your antics. But it's cool that you've found something that works for you. Yes, they're instant focus in a pouch. I also heard that ultra pouches are ideal for athletes, runners, and health conscious people because they are 100% nicotine-free? Yes. Just pop one pouch in five minutes before your run, workout, or workday. And you'll feel it sharp in your mind and lift your energy by the time you start.

Hmm. And it's trusted by top athletes, entrepreneurs, and engineers. around the world. Does another cartwheel, winks. Wow, she said she did another cartwheel. And I'm also hearing that 90% of users saw significant improvements to their overall focus levels, calm, steady flow state focus, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood balance, all with zero nicotine and zero caffeine.

Wow, zero caffeine, too? Yeah, and guess what? Doesn't taste bad. There's all sorts of flavors. Cool mint, winter green, tropical watermelon, and blue razze. Third cartwheel into a backflip. Winks again. Okay, Aaron.

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they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them, Hey, Riddle-Riddle sent you. Oh, when you said the ultimate guilt-free pouch that kangaroo put its head down. You're doing good too, buddy. Thank you. I thought they have an Australian accent.

Bye. No, no. Catherine Hepburn has a kangaroo. Help, help, help, help, help, help, help. Kangaroo Hepburn? Okay, every once in a while, we get a, we get something from a listener, an email, a letter that kind of turns me on to a thing that I had just no idea was happening before.

And here it is. This one's from Matt. Matt sent in a bunch of a bunch of riddles on. paper. But Matt said, I've been enjoying a puzzle on LinkedIn called Pinpoint. A puzzle on LinkedIn. What do we think? It's taking my brain a moment to process this. Pinpoint. LinkedIn, the professional website where you connect with other professionals. Yeah. The only thing I really know about LinkedIn and what's going on on it in the year of our Lord 2026 is it's like when people post like crazy hustle grind set people from LinkedIn and, and, and, you know, and, you know, and,

I'm like, look at this, you know, look at this piece of human trash. I didn't know that I had games, and shame on me. And shame on me for not knowing. LinkedIn does sound like a British game show. It does. It does. Hello, and welcome back to LinkedIn, where you have to link up the clues and connect them all together.

By point to the guy who's doing the sound effects. This is my husband. He does all the beeps and boops. As always, we'll be playing for nothing with people you've never heard of. Okay, well, Matt says, the object is to guess the category of five words, starting with one clue. So, take a guess at the category. Oh, starting with one clue, take a guest at the category.

If a guest is incorrect, then another clue will be revealed. You repeat the process, aiming to guess the category with as few clues as possible. Well, it is kind of like Only Connect. Yeah. So I'll give you the first word, which is your clue, and you're trying to get the, we'll just do one as a warm-up. I think you guys are good it. Okay. I like the idea of revealing more when it encourages you to attempt a guess. Yeah. To know that you're going to get more information revealed. I think this is nice. So with two people, the way that I'll do it is don't burn a bunch of guesses. I'll give you one clue and then you each get a guess. And then we'll move on. Okay. Okay, so the first one is door. And I'd say pretty low chance that you get it on the first one. Yeah. I'm going to say 70s bands in the singular.

Wow. That's awesome. That is such a fucking, like, called shot that I almost want to change what this is and just be like, you got it, brother. But I'm like, can I think of, can I think of more pluralized 70s bands? Rolling Stone. Doors, stones. I guess I'm getting into the 60s. Yeah, I would have given it to you.

Aerosmiths. What do we think in here? Okay. Monkeys? No, that's probably not 70s, is it? 60s. Go more broad and just say like popular bands. Singular.

Aaron, do you have a guess for Door? Things that sometimes need keys. Ooh. You guys would be fucking good at this. These aren't right answers, But you guys would be fucking good at this. Okay. Door, floor.

Oh, come on. Door. Door and floor. Oh, boy. Things that are made of wood. No. Door. Door and floor.

This ends of being a rhyming one. I'm coming for your neck. Floor. These are parts of a house. Door, floor, place. Door. Oh, I think I know it. Adel.

Are these types of mats? Addle, these are types of mats. Types of mats. Wow. Your next clue, and the clues, I think, get more obvious. The next clue was Diplow, and then it was Laundro. Oh, nice. Oh, that's nice. I'd like to see a scene.

JPC, you're a doormat, and Adel is the guy that you live with, and you're, like, deciding to stick up for yourself for the first day of your life. Ooh, that was a good run. Let me just wipe. I got a question for you. Hey. Hey, down here, I got a quick question for. Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Were you running in the woods? Yes, yeah. Were you running in woods that are exclusively dog shit? Are there like a dog shit woods around here I don't know about? It's a popular trail, but, um, that's why I, that's why I happen. Are you aiming for the dog shit? No one aims for dog shit, but it's inevitable. Could have fooled me.

Hey, listen, would you rather I just throw you in a fucking trash? Honestly, that would be a relief for me. The only reason why I don't say you do it is I know there's going to be a next guy, and you're going to treat the next guy even worse. Oh, I see what's going on. I see. I open the door. I just got the new carpeting.

So you're trying to impress carpet. Is that it? First of all, I don't know carpet because I'm out here. You don't, you have it. Oh, let me introduce you. Hey, new carpet. Hi. Hi, sweetie.

This is, have you met? Welcome, Matt? Welcome Matthew. I'm so sorry. I'm not usually, I'm usually covered in shit, but it's never my choice. Well, you protect me pretty well. I'm pretty expensive, pretty soft. Oh, my God. I never thought you'd match the drapes, but you do, baby. You do. Excuse me. Just to get out of the way. Would you ever date this, welcome, Matt? Come on, man, come on. Oh, um, I sort of have a thing going with tile floor.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, that makes this. We're not exclusive yet. It's, like, still early days, but... Wow, not exclusive, and she still turned you down. Well, I'm gonna get the shower. All right, man, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, you did it. You put me in my place. You're a fucking big man, okay?

Do you drop a couple more cigarettes on me? What? Would you keep... Just, come on, you'll wipe the shit on me, but you drop a couple of cigarettes on me as well. Come on, you know that deal. Do you like this? Yeah, I like this.

You think all welcome men sound like this. Matt Fazima. Matt Fizema. Matt Fizema. Matt Fizema. These riddles come to us from Matt Fizema. Okay, you ready for your next one? Yes.

Lab. See, now my brain is like, these are all Batoris. I'm thinking of like, compound words or something. These are all Batoris. Um, I'm going to go ahead and say coats. Hmm. Oh, interesting. That's a great guess.

I'm going to say these are all things that give results. Okay. Lab and bar. Labrador. Now I'm just thinking of doors. Labrador. Lab and bar. These are things that deal with liquids.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Oh, convenient, Aaron. I was going to say, like, things that have liquids and containers. Okay, you're both out on that. So here's the next one. Lab, bar, milk. Oh, wait. Lab bar milk.

Aaron, Adel might have it. Were you also going to say the same thing? If you want to say that you were going to say the same thing now, and Adel gets it, I'll give you half credit. No, I don't know. Don't assume that I know anything ever. Lab, bar, milk. Adel? You want one more?

Does everybody want one more? One more. Lab, bar, milk, chip. Um, micro. Oh, these are all chocolates. These are all chocolates. Chocolate bar, chocolate lab, the dog. Adel, you said Labrador when I said Lab Bar, and I was like, he's going to get it.

He's going to get it. The last one was Moose. Oh. And it was spelled M-O-U-S-S-E. E and I probably would have given you the spelling if you had not, if you had not, yeah, the French way. I would like to see a scene. Please. I would like to see, JPC, you are entering a bar.

This is in a town you've never been before. Aaron, you are the bartender, but you are a bit of a scientist. Uh, hey. Hi. Hi. Hi. Ah, yes, very good. Good energy.

This place is so cool. Thank you. I drive by this place on my way to work. I work in Glenview, so it's like I see this from off the highway all the time. And, yeah, I thought maybe I'd stop. But you don't really work, do you? You find different ways to kill time at your desk. You play games.

You stock your exes. Wonder about a life you could have led. Yeah, you were spot on for like the first half. I don't necessarily... I know the drink for you. Oh, this is fun. Is this like a, yeah, I mean, yeah, sure, please. I'm kind of open to anything.

I have an eclectic taste, so. We don't deal in money here, by the way. So you'll have to exchange something that is, I don't know, payment of a different kind. Oh, is it because, like, credit card fees are so high that you stop doing? But sure, you have to accept cash. No, no, not cash. Something important, like your firstborn son. or your singing voice

starts mixing together a bunch of different liquid I'm 39 and I've had a vasectomy so I'm not I'm not going to have a son or any child so it's... Who said that you haven't already? Me, yeah, I would...

I know. You know for sure? I know when I can't, I don't want to say why because it's a peck bar but I know for 100% sure that I am not... Your singing voice then?

I mean, yeah, you could take it. I mean, what happens if I try to sing? Beholy, here's your pinocalada, now singing for the sea shell. Hold on, hold on. A pinia collata for a singing voice, that doesn't seem like a... Sing! Nope, I don't want it. I thought you had it.

Nope, nope, I don't want it. It's my normal's not like that. Oh, God, no, yuck. Also, this Pena Colada is awful. This is, what is this? Is there sand in this? Yes, it's changing your life. It has magic spells.

I'm somewhat of a drink scientist, and I can sort of change people lives with a single drink. Why about a drink scientist no spells? Get out. See? Go, come on. Get out of my bar. Agent X one.

Honey. These are Mariah Carey movies. There's a bunch, right? Aaron? I think so. Yeah? Honey. Terms of endearment.

No. The other day, I was putting my kid to bed and I was like, okay, go pick out a book. And my kid goes, okay, honey. I go, okay, honey. I'm like, where did you get that? Love. I was like, I don't think I've ever said honey as, like a term of a deer bet.

Did you take them to a diner recently? Hey, sugar. You want to top off? Okay. Now we're just like that time. You should have to go around the parking lot for that kind of thing. Polar. Honey, polar.

Honey, polar. Honey polar. Bear? Aaron, it's bears. Honey bear. Polar bear. Oh, polar. Brown.

Grizzly and Teddy. Wow. Nice one, Aaron. I'd like to see a scene. Oh, please. You guys are at the bear convention. Which kind? You'll see.

Adel, we're going to have you be a grizzly bear, and JPC we're going to have you be a teddy bear, and you guys are just trying to find some common ground. Oh, it's so cool to just link up with other bears. Oh, yeah. I've had so much fun. What a great networking opportunity. Oh, totally, totally. Um, you are, yeah, you're, you're tiny and, you're like a little twink.

Yeah, I'm a Twinkie bear. Yeah. I'm, I'm a product of, uh, the, Twinkie Corporation. What is that? It's not intimate. Hostess? Hostess, yeah, I'm a hostess Twinkie bear. Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah, I'm a limited run, but I'm out of my box. Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure. Um, so... You're so big. Thank you, yeah, thank you. I never knew bears' co. could get so big. Yeah, not the biggest, but I'm up there.

I'm up there. You know, if you, if it, if it turns you on or whatever, I could catch salmon in my mouth or whatever. Oh, um, I'm not actually really looking to participate in the, uh, kind of hookup. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah, no. Yeah, what are you here for then? What do you mostly? I would actually, I mean, no offense to you, but I am going to try to fuck Brian Earlocker this weekend.

Oh, we're all trying to fuck Brian Erlocker this weekend. Irlecker. See. Now that he got hair? Oh, baby. The only, I think the only reason I know who Brian Erlacher is is because of the hair billboards. Huh. Have you seen those errand?

No. Well, they're probably unique to Chicago because Brian Erlacher was a bear, but they're like billboards that have like hair puns on them from whatever hair regrowth service he used or endorses. And they're all on the way to O'Hare. Yes. Oh, hair. Okay. So it's like a whole campaign. Yeah, so this can really only happen in Chicago.

But they say like, don't they say like, more like hair locker or something like that on? Yes, which doesn't make a thought of sense. It doesn't make a goddamn lick of sense. Someone's listening to this at their desk at work and they are tossing their headphones out and bursting in the tears being like, I worked so hard on that fucking campaign. If it was like Jeremy Renner, then you could say more like hair locker, but it's, it's, just doesn't. Thank you. There you go.

Earl doesn't ride with hair. It doesn't rhyme with hair. It's not really a pun. It's not even, it's not a play on word. I guess it's like technically a play on words and the fact that like, hey guys, they won because we're talking about it. Dush. They did.

I mostly think of, Brian Earl Lacker was, is one of the better defensive players that bears have had in 25 years. But he, um, more like hair offensive. Thank you. He dated Paris Hilton for a little bit. And I always think of, Anytime I, it's rare for him to kind of pop up. But anytime I see him, I think of she, in some interview was like, being intimate with him,

is the nice way I'll put it, is like playing on a jungle gym or something, where she's just like, he's so big and so strong that it's like, she just crawls all over him. And I'm like, okay, some things can stay a secret. Scary. You. That's so awesome. I feel like there's like, nowadays, there's so much, like, media training that they drill in. to celebrities that sometimes you like see quotes from like celebrities from like the 50s and

the 60s and you're like, holy shit, nobody. There was a guy who was like feeding you cocaine pills, but other than that, they weren't really Yeah, they were saying whatever. It's just saying whatever. Because most people can, you can't, you can just say whatever you want. Most people just don't do that because they've been told, hey, don't do that. We do. We're not media trained over here.

No, I'm not media trained whatsoever. And we're living in the era of woke two. Too woke, too furious. Woke 5. God, they should do a series of movies that are parodies of the Fast and the Furious movies that are just called woke. I love it. Paul Walker, rest in peace. Where's it Power King?

Here we go. Let's move on. So you are media trained. Okay. Here's your next one. Right. I'm just thinking Paul Walker probably shouldn't be in a movie about Woke based on it. Never mind.

We can move on. It's not Paul Walker. It's Paul Woker. Of course, of course. He's a different guy. It's his brother with his CGI face put on him or whatever. Crazy.

They did that for that movie. They just took his brother and CGI. That's got to be one of the weirder experiences in any person's life. It's to be like, yeah, I got my CGI. Dead Brother's face put on my body. Another day clock it in. Another day, another dollar. Right.

Is your next clue. Right. Can we ask how it's spelled or that's that? Yeah, I'll give you how it's spelled since it's the first one. R-I-G-H-T. These are angles. I'm giving it to you. I'm giving it to you.

Wow. On the first one. These are types of triangles. Whoa. And triangles are just angles but three. That's really beautiful. It was right love Bermuda

Scaline in Isosceles Wow Nice, okay Let's jump on to the next one Here we go Gates These are famous computer People

Yeah famous founders Okay Here's the next one Lines Gates lines These are borders These are types of borders Ooh interesting

Yeah And Aaron, is that yeah? Is that you just co-siding Adel's answer? I'm co-signing. Do you mind if I co-sign your answer? No, please. I didn't do my homework last night. I'll make my answer sound just different enough so you don't get in trouble.

Yeah. It would really let me out, man. You looking on my test during a, during a class, and I write like A and you just go, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Aaron, what are you? Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly.

You look beautiful today. I do want to see a scene. So I'm going to be playing a teacher. And I've asked Aaron and Adel to stay after class because they sat next to each other for a test. And they got all the exact same answers on the test. Hey, I just want to personally thank you for asking me to stay after class. I've always really admired you. And I think being a teacher is a really important profession.

And I just think that you're really brave and you're really selfless for going into a line of work like this. Um, thank you, Erin. You're welcome. Given the circumstances of why I asked you to stay after class, I, um, while I appreciate that, I think that you may be having an ulterior motive to why you're giving me this compliment. No, no, I had planned on saying this anyway. I really, I had been sitting all class thinking, you know who I bet doesn't get enough flowers? Mrs. Cunningham.

I was like, I bet you don't get. I just want you to be. I know you're the one that yell shitbird when I turn my back. insert writing on the chalkboard. That's an interesting term. I've never heard such a term. So you don't hear when people call you Mrs. Cuntingham? No, Adel, I hear that one too.

I hear that one too. And when you say people, that's interesting. Because to me, it's really only one person that I hear calling me that. Well, we have another class to get to. It was so awesome catching up with you. You love you. Thank you. Thank you.

It's not a situation where... You are. Stay sweet. It's not a situation where... I close the door. You two. Yes. Got the exact same answers on your most recent test.

Oh, a miracle. Jinks, so cool. So cool. Thank you. That's so interesting. I'm sure you're going to put that in your diary later tonight. Take care. See you next summer.

No. I love. See you next summer. Well, see you. See you next Tuesday. We still have three quarters of the year luck. Of course. Just to start it.

Three quarters. We both also got a 0% on the test. So it's very rare that two students would have the exact same answers and none of them would be correct. So you're pissed that two kids failed in your class that you teach. You're the one who's supposed to impart this information. And we failed completely in one. You're upset about that? The two, you're the reason for it.

I'm not upset that you failed. I'm upset that I believe. We are a mirror to your teaching, obviously. That is great, Aaron. And we are. There are 32 children in this class. Incredible counting. Everyone, thank you so much, Erin.

Everyone else passed the test except you two who got all the same answers and they were all incorrect. You should study our brains. Like, you should send this to a scientist or a lab or something because all the same answers, a miracle. I'm going to ask you guys. I'm going to ask the two of you. And I want honest answers. Yes. Did you cheat off each other to tests?

You should get back in the dating pool. You're gorgeous. And we think that a divorce can't keep you down forever. I'm happily married? I don't know why you said divorce. Happily. Happily. The two of you... I saw you guys once at Olive Garden, and you sat in complete silence for the entire meal.

And then for one second, you thought he said something, and you said, what was that? And he said, I didn't say anything. And then you went back to silence. My question for the two of you, with the answers that you put down. Also, in my top drawer of my desk last week, I did put a decoy copy of a decoy copy of the test with all of the same answers as the answers that you put down incorrectly in the top of my test. This is new information. I can't stress that enough. Well, I wish we could stay, but I'm on Spanish or something. Not a situation where you could leave the room. A situation where you have, I'm accusing the two of you of taking a copy of that test. Jekis. Jekul Perra. Well, you're one of the good ones.

You're one of the good ones. You are one of the good ones. That's French. I am one of the good ones. here's what I'm going to have to do. I'm going to have to fail both of you for the entire course. You're going to take a zero in my class and you're not going to be able to graduate with the rest of your class. Have to. Let's unpack that.

You don't have to do anything. Can you grab me one? That is, no. Grab me one. No, those are not coaxi rows for you. Okay. Yep. Okay.

Oh. I caught it. You didn't. You didn't. Well, her face caught it. My face caught it. Still a catch. So now you're going to stay after class and you're going to clean up all the Coke Zero that you've spilled.

No, we already stayed after class. So check. And this is your Coke Zero. You know, my dad is the mayor. He's the mayor. So I think. Your dad eats a lot of mayo. Yeah.

That is what your dad is going for. He's Joey Chestnut's biggest mayo rival. He's the mayoer. He would not be happy. to find out that I got hit in the face with a Diet Coke can, Coke Zero can that came from your classroom. Oh, yeah, Ms. Cunningham. You hit Aaron and you pinched my butt? You pinched his butt.

I better text my dad. Guys, there are cameras in every classroom now. We know this. We know that. There are. That's illegal. That's illegal. Miranda rights.

In the bathrooms, you said every room. Miranda writes. Doesn't apply, Aaron. I didn't say bathrooms. I said classroom. I said at every class. Miranda rights. I call Miranda.

Miranda rights. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let both of you pass. If you promise me you will not go to college and you will not do anything productive with your life. Just promise me you'll be drug dealers. That's an insane thing to ask someone. Because, well, now that was already my plan to do that. And now having you tell me I have to do that makes me want to do it less.

Okay. I already had machinations to be a podcaster. Now I'm going to start a podcast about you, bish. Bish. You called me Bish. You called me Burt. Okay, so I've caught you saying shitbird to me. I was saying that to someone.

To whom? We might not know. Were you saying a tattle? I was saying it. Yes. Yes. Okay. Well, you choose.

Maybe try asking your husband some questions or pick up a hobby so you have something to talk to him about. We have never been to an olive garden. I don't know who you saw in an olive garden. Okay, well, then I saw your husband was someone else sitting silently in an olive garden. How would you know what my husband looks like? Well, that's almost sadder that he's cheating on you with someone that he has nothing to talk to about? That's almost sadder.

Yeah, that's bad, Mrs. Cuntingham. That is bad. Okay, so you've both said it now. You've both said it. Said what, Mrs. Cuntingham? You are so all over the place. I'm not even sure if this is math or not. It's not.

I'm starting to feel a little faint. I have to go lay down. Yeah, same. Yeah, same. We're both sick. We have to walk each other to the nurse for safety. You don't have to walk to the nurse for safety. Well, we'll just head out.

Don't cough on me. You let you drop everything and we'll never tell people that you went to an Audita Franco concert and Audita Franco herself saw you and said, ugh, can you leave? And she's known as being one of the more wildly accepting musicians out there. It was on the Jumbotron. How old are you? How old are you?

to know that. How do you think I am? I want to say 17, but... How long has he been 17? What does that mean? That's from Twilight. Why would I know that? You, why, who does it? That's pop culture, Mrs. Cunningham. Okay? And we have to...

My name is Veronica Cuntingberger. I am sick of disrespect. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. It bears me of riches. Oh my God, oh my God, I got better. Wait, hold on. I'm going to black out from Joy. Say your name one more time, nice and slow. Veronica Kuntingberger. You miscreants have been calling me Kuntikam the entire semester, and it pisses me off. You just call me a miscreant and that really hurt my feelings, Mrs. Kunt. See, the kids are all right.

They're doing okay, everybody. Don't worry about them kids. But do worry. about this commercial break. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. You guys? Yeah? I legitimately had terrible sleep last night. I'm staying in an Airbnb while the AC gets fixed to my place. And guess what?

I miss my bed. I miss my Helix mattress. I have a midnight lux. And guess what? I couldn't bring it to the Airbnb with me. I wish I had appreciated it more. I wish I had told it. I wish I had told my mattress.

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And they also have the happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. Whoa, Sympathy, Steve, you have a tattoo on your leg. It says Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and wired? And I won't tell you what that's covering up. It was worse. But what I will tell you to do is go to helixleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day Best of Web sale that's running now until September 13th. It's 27% off sitewide and that is exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle riddle. That's Helixleep.com slash riddle for the Labor Day Best of Web sale. Helixleep.com

slash riddle. I can't empathize with you, but I can. sympathize with you. Did someone say empathy? It's me. Empathy Ed. Hey, man. They're brothers. No, we're not. Hey, Steve. We're simply not. Oh. We're exes. We don't have time for the lore of this, unfortunately. It'd be so fun to talk to teachers like that. God. You'd have to go back in time to know, I could have to delete how knowing how hard their job is out of my brain. But yeah, to be a little shitbird and talk to your teachers like that without how. having any, like, empathy. Yeah.

And they're mostly, I mean, they're mostly just doing their best. And some of them are really excelling and changing lives. But every once in a while, one out of ten, you get a real piece of shit. Yeah, you get a real lunatic. Yeah, who's just there to push kids around. I, thinking about back to, like, all of the teachers that I had, which ones, as an adult, now I can look back and be like, specifically they were just clocking in. But the other wrinkle that I had since I went to Catholic school, and it wasn't a lot, but I think it used to be like maybe 30 years before me.

A lot of your teachers would be like nuns and stuff. We had a couple nuns that were also teachers. And they were, the two nuns that I had as teachers when I was in Catholic school were like clinically insane people. They were, they should not have been teaching kids. They were just, they were like nutty. They were, it was wild. And I'm like, the only reason that you're here is because you're a nun, not because you're like a teacher, you know? Totally.

Were they nutty in the same way or uniquely nutty? They were uniquely nutty. Uniquely nutty. Uniquely nutty. The nun was uniquely nutty. That's a lot of fun. There was one nun who was an, I think if she was an algebra teacher. And it's, you know how like nuns, they're like, they're married to God.

I think she was married to math first and like God was like a distant fourth. Well, isn't God math? Wow. And I don't know. Is that? But I have no idea. Isn't math one of the many things that God sent us? Wow.

God sent us all sorts of beautiful puzzles and riddles even. Ah, to bring it back to our show's premise to figure out. Wow. Hey, we would be fools to not try to solve. Let's see, Aaron, if this is one of gods. Oh, wait, shit. We were in the middle of one. No, we weren't.

Did you guys do gates and lines? Oh, yes, we were in the middle of one. Yeah, we didn't get that. Gates and lines. You know, I decided what inside out emotion I want to be. And it is an emotion that is so specific, but it's the feeling I get when I realized that we were in the middle of a riddle

when we had gone off the rails to do some other bullshit. There's no word in the English language that conveys what that feels like. It's like a little bit of dread. It's a little bit of melancholy. Germans, I was thinking Germans definitely have a word for them. And the feeling of nuts knowing. You're in the middle of a riddle, but you're in the middle of a riddle.

German-Stankton-Tun. And JPC, I just realized, you'd be horny. Yeah. Of course. Do they have horny in those movies, or is it too dicey because it's like dealing with kids or whatever? It's implied, right? It's implied, right? Yeah, maybe if they do an adult inside out, what would it an adult version of inside out be?

It'd be inside out, inside out, inside out. Yeah. be like there'd be four motions and be numb, numb, numb, numb, and horny. Numb, numb, numb, numb, drunk, horny. Um, okay,

Gates, lines, counters. Not looking to change. What was the third one? Counters. Gates, Gates, lines, counters. Gates, lines, counters. Now, counters, these are types of

counters, I just think of like a diner or something. Counters. Counter, counters, gates. You want one more? Lines. Oh, are these? Oh, Adel.

Take your guess. I got nothing. Okay, gates, lines, counters, planes. Hmm. Now, Gates, these are all things at an airport. Adel, you got it. These are things related to airports. Okay, congratulations.

I had a spark, a wet spark. where I was like, you know, you go to the counter you wait at the, you know, a gate for your flight and everything, but I was like, things in an airport seemed a little too simplistic based on the previous versions. Well, here's your next one. Bottle. Your first one is bottle.

Types of rockets. Things with necks. Oh, these are such fun answers that you have. Bottle and slide. Whistles? Interesting. It's not whistles. Aaron, bottle, slide.

This could be your chance to steal here, Aaron. Things that you do with your emotions. You bottle them up, you let him slide. Wow. That's awesome. Bottle slide park. Bottle slide park. I don't know.

These are things bottles. These are things that a metal detector sees daily. Oh, interesting. We're going to do the thing that Aaron hates. We're going to take a break from this riddle to do a scene. Aaron, I want to do a scene. It's just a brief scene.

Aaron, you are recording a commercial for a, it's like a New England style, style, it's just in New England, tourist attraction called Bottleside Park. Hey, assholes. Summer's almost over and you forgot to take your kids outside. I totally hear that and I totally get it. You're not a bad parent. You were just busy. Go down, route one.

go past Weymouth and go to Bottle Slide Park. It's not finished. It's not finished. And it's not safe. But we're trying to best. And by 2048, with your help, we can have it be fully, fully finished. My cousin Ronnie has made a roller coaster the likes of which you've never seen. Don't say my name.

Don't say my name. Ronnie, why? I mean, I'm supposed to be in prison. Okay. Well, Ronnie is not Ronnie. He's my cousin. and Donnie, and he made a roller coaster that took out all his front teeth. It's awesome.

It was hilarious. He laughed and laughed. Sorry to interrupt your commercial. Have you seen this man goes by the name of Ronnie missing his front teeth, created a roller coaster that killed 17 people? Hmm. It's ringing a bell, to be honest. Oh, am I on TV? Yeah.

Say something. Hey, the numbers for today's lottery are 42. Is that true? I started too high. Scene. Bottle, slide, park, fountain. Hmm. Bottle slide, slide, park, fountain.

Now, a slide and a fountain are things found in a park, but parks one of the complements. Oh, these are types of dogs. A park, dog fountain. I don't know. The exact one of the exact ones. of the episode where Adel's brain slid out his though. Things you go down.

Slide dog. I don't know. Things you go down. Okay. This is your last one. Bottle, slide, park, fountain, fall. Hmm.

Hmm. I know that people listening are probably like, this is so easy. I can't believe they're messing it. They're so dumb. I mean, this is the first one that's dumped you guys. You've done like six of these, and this is the first one that's stumped you.

I will say, I think I'm at the point where I'm so I'm so zoomed out I'm so sort of macro view Yeah Because we've had With the previous riddles We've had it where it's like

A compound word We've had where they're all things And contained in one unit We've had So I feel like there's been so many different types of answers That now I'm looking at it from so many angles That I can't get footing Can you tell us a hint in terms of like

Yeah Yes How to look at this These are all words that come after one word perfect. Water. It's water. It's water.

It's water, Aaron, with that many R's. I think it was 100 R's that you put out. It's a water park. And by that, it means when it's raining, things are super slick and the rides go way too fast. I like to see a scene. Aaron, you are a, we'll say you're a toddler. You're younger. You can, I guess choose the age.

Love it. And JPC, you are the water in a pool. And Aaron's character is going swimming in a pool for the very first time. And you're a little trepidacious of how this is going to go. Gotcha. One, two, three. Don't jump in. Be careful, sweetie.

Be careful, sweetie. Hey, you're not hearing things. It's me to water. Do you believe in reincarnation? You sound like a dormant. You sound like my dormant. Yeah, oh, we all sound the same. No, I was a dormant for many years, sweetie, yes.

Well, I'm going to jump in. Do you know how to swim? You look young. I just, I always ask young people, do you know how to swim? I have my swimmy's on, and I take lessons. You do take lessons. They did that thing. They did those baby swimming lessons with me when I was a baby where they threw me in the pool,

and then they snapped above me. Oh, okay. To get me to, like, learn how to flip around. and have my head up? Great. I just ask, because I'm just water, I cannot save you. So if you do die...

Well, you could try. It's truly, I'm just... I'm water in a disembodied voice. If you drown in me, I mean, have you ever had a dead person inside of you? Don't answer that. But here's the thing I'll just say. Be prepared for what to expect,

you know, jumping into the pool. Well, could you help me a little bit? I am. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to... It's a preemptive help, you know? Are you worried about getting sued? Honestly, if one more...

I don't mean to be bleak, but if one more person dies in me, they'll drain me and they'll fill me up with cement. Sounds like a lot of people are dying in you. It's less than none. It's less than none. It's more than none. It's less than some. Here's what I'll say. I started talking. I basically talk myself.

I look over and there's a dead body just... Oh, fuck. No, no, that's not, he's doing a dead man's stroke. This is a grown-up who died. Yeah, he's doing a dead man's stroke. He's a, don't look over there. Don't look over there. It sucks that mud through his little drain thing.

You're not, you're, uh... Don't worry about that. Do not worry about that? Did anyone else see that? Hey, you're not very good at this, huh? No, I am not. I used to, I was a doormat two weeks ago. Were you a good doormat?

No. Scene. Scene. Seen. Lots of anthropomorphizing going on today. Big words for JPC. Good job using a big word JPC. You're so smart.

I looked over to the left of me and there's like four Sesame Street characters. Give me a thumbs up. Scratch it a word off the calendar for today. Are you sure they're not like putting their baseball bats in their hands and then doing like the throat cut? Now they are. They do the throat cut with a baseball.

bat. Is he going to cut my throat with a baseball bat? Holy fuck. He might try. Cookie Monster is not a fucking ball. He's a big bird to cut my head off with a baseball bat. You keep that attitude up. I believe in the, did anyone ever see the TV show Highlander? Yes. The TV show? Adel, yeah.

Yeah. With Christopher Lambert? Was Christopher Lambert in the TV show? I don't know. I don't think it went very long, maybe a couple of seasons. Maybe he was. He's my raiden. He'll always be my rating He'll always be my rating

He'll always be my raiding And then you're wrong It's crazy What we're gonna say about Carl Urban playing raiden Oh I think that there was a Highlander You know in Highlander They have to chop heads off

That's the way that you kill Highlander I think of the TV show It was the same premise But I think that there was an episode Where there was a baseball player Who was a Highlander Who gets his head chopped off And God

I think I think they did it with a baseball bat I cannot be sure. Maybe he was just a baseball player. They had swords or whatever, but I thought they cut his head off with the baseball bat. When I'm giggling when I get done with this. Yikes.

Therapy. Replacement podcast host. Therapy. The quickening, right? Yeah, the quickening. It's the cum that happens to you when you cut someone's head off. Come on, man. Yuck.

I'll say it. Yuck. It's also like the bottom part of a cat's nail. Okay. If there can be only one, how come there's always a ton of them? It doesn't make any fucking sense to me. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Do you guys ever see the Jet League movie The One?

No. Is that the one where, is that the Romney and Juliet one? No, the one, I believe the plot to the one. And Casey, go ahead and check this out for me. He's like traveling through different timelines and killing different versions of himself and other timelines to get stronger. And I think it's like a Highlander thing. I think that's the one.

Jet Lee famously, the Ruber famously, is that he's the only martial artist where they had to slow down his footage. That's so funny. Because everybody else, they speed it up to make them look quicker. And Jet Lee, they say the Ruber is that he was so fast they'd be like, we have to slow it down in post. That's crazy. That's what we have to do for your audio out on the show because you're so much funnier and quicker than us. They slow you down. They did the thing with Jet Lee that they used to do with Mr. Ed, where they like dipped his hands in peanut butter before every take.

He's talking to be, like, moving slower. Dipped his hands in peanut butter. I appreciate you guys helping me out there because that was one of the stupidest things that ever said. No, no, no. If you dip someone's hands in peanut butter, they know martial arts. No, it just makes them go slower.

Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. What if that was true? Hey, you know what? We don't know. We don't know that if you... Someone put that in the IMDB, like, fun facts quickly. And I know it's going to take it down very, very fast, but just for a minute.

Go into the IMD IMD Fax for the movie The One The end of the dip his hands in peanut butter to slow him down. Oh, fuck, that's so funny. Okay, Casey says, oh yeah, fighting with motorcycles. Yes, he would, like,

he hit somebody with a motorcycle in that movie because he got stronger every time he killed another version of himself. Okay, review crew ideas, Jetly movies from the early 2000s. I'd do it. Okay, well, let's do one more of these.

Let's do one more of these. Yes. Okay. And thank you again, Matt, for sending these in, we might do some more of Matt's riddles. These rule, I like that. Thank you, Matt. Later date. And I believe Matt said that he got some of these from LinkedIn and some of them made up himself.

So good for him. Queen. Bands. It's not bands. Singular versions of 70s bands. That fuck, that would work, right? Queen, these are. Things that Aaron would respond to.

Yes, Queen. These are things you find on a, on a, in a deck of cards. Okay. Queen Italian. Queen Italian. I want to ride on my bicycle. This one's hard, I'd say.

Is that it? Is that it? Hey, do we have any more? Who wants to do more? What else is? I like a fat bottom girl. Things on money. Queen Italian.

This one's, sorry. I'm going to move to the next one because I think Italian might be might be difficult. I was not, okay. Queen Italian carpenter. Hmm. These are all things Jesus was. Jinks. Jinks. Jesus was a queen. Jesus was Italian. Jesus was a queen. Jesus was Italian. Jesus was a carpenter. How does a queen who's Italian? This is the last supper. Mange, Mange, oh, Matthew, you're so skinny. Eat. They eat. Come on.

Come on. Oh. No, come on. I don't want it into wife for you. I'm a Jesus. Sith, everybody, I made all these chairs. I made all of these chairs. Judas, no, no.

You know, if you leave early, you betray me. Before dessert, that's a betrayal. Judas, I know what you're going to do tomorrow. Hey, Judas, I sit a close to me. I know it. Are you gonna do it tomorrow? I know what you're gonna do. Before anyone asks, my half-brother's Italian, so we could do this.

Oh, I got a st. I got five by percent of type. For sure, we can do this. And I'm Catholic, so I can make fun of presents. Is it my birthday? It's on Christmas. Is it very sad? Is it another gift for Jesus or not as a spread out?

It's almost Trump, Aaron. It's almost Trump. It's almost Trump. You're like, my birthday's on a G. My birthday's on a Christmas. is a very sad. Oh, Bambna. All right, Queen, Italian, Carpenter.

Bumble. Bumble. These are all dating apps. B, Queen B, Carbender bees. These are bees. Do you, I guess familiar with Italian bees? No. Bazaar. Come on, shut up.

The word is, Giuseppe. Can you use it in a sentence? No. Italian bees with omega honey. We make an olive oil. Come on. It's the lightest, it's the most, it's the most delicate olive oil you've ever tasted. I'm always imagining that when people start getting canceled for doing Italian accents,

and someone makes a montage of all the time we did it, what we're going to have to sit through and listen. These bees are riding little mopeds. Oh, yes. Yeah, Italian bees. Yes, we build a hives, so our Vista go all the way around in a little hive. We don't have a stingers, but we cat, call. People hate us because we a cat car. Oh,

signora, oh, bellissima, Bella, Bella. These bees have little brown bags with bread sticking out the top of it. All right, everybody, vote below. What's more fun? Italian Jesus or Italian bees?

Comment which one you want us to do over and over and over again? We don't get the pollen from the flowers. We go around to the shops and we get little bits of espresso and we bring it back. to the hive. A single espresso bean or full hive.

Italian bees. We have served as a queen by it. Bring in a gelato. A fresh gelano. You don't a scoop, you scrape. You scoop an ice cream. You scrape a gelano. You don't a scoop, you scrape.

What are Italian bees? But seriously, but seriously, we can't in this episode before I know what are Italian bees. All right, all right. Oh, Addo, you don't want to do more of this bullshit instead of learning something. Come on. Oh, I guess it's a misprint.

It is Italian beef. Oh, Queen beef, Italian beef, carpenter beef. These are all types of beef. Italian bee is just a bee that originated northern Italy, okay? Come on, man. It's Italian B. I don't know, man. We just don't have a beer in Italy, I guess.

Yeah, okay, well. Good night. So that's Italian bees. Good night. Good night. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Can we do it? Casey, can we play one little voicemail? Can we do one little voicemail, please? The tuna 15, the tuna 15 is surely a top-rated glue crusine, a gift from Erin Keefe, our improv queen. The tuna, the tuna, 15. Just call 805 riddle one with voicemails, but keep them under 30 seconds, please.

Or soon you'll realize That J.P. Riddles' eyes Are watching you from underneath a rock. Oh, my God. And she called me a queen, which is, what, earlier? He said I would answer to. Wow. Do do do do do do do do do.

I believe, I believe, Casey correct me if I'm wrong. I believe that is from Lauren Bannon. Lauren says that much like Adel and Santa Baby, they often put words for the same melodies based on whatever they're doing and they were singing the student 15 song and they made it into a voicemail theme. I love it. Yeah. Okay, Casey, hit us with a voicemail. Hey, little crew. This is Callum.

I'm from Switzerland and I was just doing a back catalog, listen through of your whole public series. And I noticed that in your best of episodes, you guys never feature any solutions. The only answer you gave during a best of was from Casey. And I'm wondering, do you not consider answering riddles part of the best thing that you do? Thanks. Bye. Interesting. Cal, let me put it this way.

When we get to the best ofs at the end of this year, do you think it's going to be us saying like boat? Or do you think it's us going to be doing the Italian B's thing, my man? You know what? We'll make the best of this year is that voicemail with JPC's response. And even this right now is going to be in a best-dub. Can you believe it? I put together the best-ofs with Casey doing literally all the heavy lifting, obviously. But I fall on the sword of having to listen to all the episodes.

I become my least favorite comedian. I always appreciate Adela and JPC more when I re-listen. And I catch things that I didn't catch the first time that they said. And I end up hating the sound of my own voice. but I sometimes I do think that jokes will slow once answers are said

like they're not often incorporated into times that are also making me laugh sure but I do I have in a few best of's tried to include answers just because I go if someone's listening to this I don't want them to have to go back and try to find it but I can include more answers if that is but I just don't I don't often find that those times are times where we're laughing

Well, that's a good, that's a good real answer. Anyone else? You want to give a fake answer? No, I already did with the Italian B's thing. What do we have to, what do we have to plug? Adel, anything going on, anything that you'd like to point people towards? I guess our inevitable patron where we do Italian Bs, it'll probably be called something like Leading Tower of Beezer or something. Yeah.

Where we just play Italian Bs all over Italy, I assume. Also check out Hello for the Magic Tavern Gum Shoes and Dragons and the Word Association If you're looking for some more podcasts to pick up Aaron, do you have anything to plug or promote? Check out quality time My show in Los Angeles

It's a real variety show I have a lot of fun doing it Yeah, you can follow us on Instagram To find out when and where our shows are JPC, any review to read or anything to plug or promote Yeah, I'd love to read a review I'd also love to just kind of apologize to everyone out there

on behalf of the entire podcast when we're doing the Italian beast things. You know, we're improvisers sometimes we say things that are off the top of our heads and we get things wrong. The honey would be Alfredo. I don't know why, whatever we said, but the honey would definitely be Alfredo.

I think the olive oil, but are you think it would be Alfredo? It would be Alfredo. Not Marinera? Fuck. Well, you know, the marinara. Is Alfredo, is it that mostly a U.S. thing? Well, the tomatoes is not even native to Italy. Tomatoes from the new world.

world, as they would say. So we, you know what, guys? We don't know. Here's what we'll promise. We will go to Italy. We'll take the show to Italy. We'll do two weeks. Maybe Tuscan Villa somewhere.

We'll learn. This will be our punishment. And this is our apology. We're going to go to Italy for two weeks. Patreon.com says, hey, we're going to send us over there, guys, to apologize. Let's also read a review. Stretch gold. Let's read a review.

Perfectly safe podcast from Horse Kiss Cousin Biss. Yes. You got me, guys. Okay, five stars. If you want to get one featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere. Leave reviews. I might read one. I've been listening to the podcast for over a year and recently confided in my girlfriend

that while I love the podcast, I only understand maybe 20% of the things JPC said, she told me it's not safe to understand anything more than 2% of what JPC is saying. Out of concern, I underwent a long series of neurological exams to determine what was wrong with my brain. After a number of impossible to pronounce medical diagnosis and numerous brain surgeries, I can safely say I now know that JPC is completely eradicated from. my brain horse kiss cousin piss. Thank you so much for reviewing

the show. Cut sick there again at the end. I think that if you understand JPC more than 60% run to the doctor. Like don't even wait for a car to start. All right. Hot dogs.

What do Italian bees like to eat at the ballpark? Hey, hot dogs. Sorry. A mama's hot dogs. This is offensive. I'm hearing it. Mary parents in the music

One, two, four, eight, you need to porous One, two, three, four, Hey, Riddle. Hey, Riddle. Hey there, drivers and keys. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

We take you to the retirement home on core estates with our friend Janet Varney. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. By joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a head gum podcast.