Hey Riddle Riddle - #75: The Night Before Puzzmas w/ J.P. Riddles

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

What better way to celebrate the Holiday season than with a clip show! While we would never claim that this is a "best of" (because the entire podcast is the worst), this is technically a best of J.P. Riddles (because everything he's done is the best). So enjoy a special Christmas story and then every clip featuring J.P. Riddles. And if you're curious, check out the earlier eps to hear much more than just the clips:Episode #5Episode #10Episode #23Episode #37Episode #46Episode #47Episode #50Episode #60Episode #67Episode #71Starring:Adal RifaiJohn Patrick CoanErin KeifEditing by: Casey ToneyTheme by: Arne ParrottLogo by: Emily Kardamis & Emmaline MorrisWant more? Get Weekly Bonus Eps on Patreon!Want merch? Visit our TeePublic Store!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a head gum podcast. I'm gonna get a puppy for Christmas this year, but all the boxes haven't barked. No, I should, I was gonna give you a puppet for Christmas this year. It's a puppet of a puppy, but you know what, there's not gonna be a Christmas this year. This is just a skin dog. I'm sorry? The inside of the box was a skin dog.

Yeah, look, that's a corn dog with no corn. That's what that is. Yeah, okay. You made it look like a marrying app puppet. You'll put little like a little bow tie on. I don't look very horrified, but I'm numb to this. It is. It is.

Now, shut up now. You're doing entirely too much new content. Now, this is a clip show here. So what we're doing here is I'm'm gonna read you kids' story, okay? It's a Christmas story, so you're gonna like it. And then after the Christmas story, it's gonna be all the content of you on the show. Well, most of it anyway.

There's gonna be a little best of JP Riddle's thing, but before we can get to that, we gotta get to the night before Christmas. Uncle JP, do you told me in secret that this was gonna be a clip show? You should say, because it's hard to find At that's true. Oh, that's true, but you can always find a clip in a squirt. JP riddles. I got a question. Yes, sir Is it right next to it's nuts?

Yeah We left Cookies and milk for Santa Claus. Mm-hmm Do you think he's gonna like the cookies and milk that we left for him? Well, I don't know. I mean, he certainly didn't just pour that milk all over that cookie, make himself a cookie, cast a little cake, and eat it like a bowl of Cheerios.

But if he did, I'm sure that Santa Claus really enjoyed the milk that you kids left. Now, let me read you one of my swan nuns, okay, here. I heard reindeer. This is swan nuns number 107. The night Before Christmas. What about the reindeer? Shut up now, pay attention.

Do I have a night before Christmas when all through the house? Not a creature is staring! Not even a moose. That says mouse. Sorry, JP Riddle said whiskey today. What? The stockings were hung by the chimney with care and hopes that old J.P. Riddle soon would be there.

Well, the children were nestled off snugging their jammy. That's us. Well, J.P. Riddle fell asleep in his canry. And if he was honest, it wasn't his car, but he shattered the window with a piece of rebar. Wait, that car over there? That's a RAV4. A Toyota's a Toyota Puck.

And Mama and her Kirchiff and Dad and his cap would soon find that someone had shed the back window of the Toyota and dig at a crap. What's a Kirchiff? I think it's Russian. It's like a hankership for a Kirch. Went out of the roof. They're rows such a clad at dad. That's like the hankership for a curd. Went out of the roof. They're rows such a cladding.

Oh, that's like the reindeer you heard. Yeah, the clad, the reindeer, the reindeer. Dad's spraying up from bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window, he flew like a flash, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. What the sash? He threw it up. Did he eat a sash? The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

gave the luster of mid-data objects below. When what towards wander in eyes should appear? But a miniature sleigh, an eight-tidy reindeer. But on closer inspection, the reindeer were raccoons and some of them had weapons like forks, knives and spoons. They brandish their cutlery and gnashed on their teeth and a shadowy figure rose from beneath. Santa! The little lord driver so lively and quick and covered in what be must be his own sick.

Dripping with rabies, his corsets, they came and he spit and he cursed and he called them by name. Now, mad dog, now splinter, now president Nixon, on concrete, on human, Oh, dog, man, on blitman. Oh, my God. To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, dash away, y'all. Uncle JP, can we stop? We get scared. Yeah, you fuck, I know what it should be.

I don't want to sell big Christmas. No, I went to Christmas. Where's Santa? No, no, don't worry about that. We'll just get into the good pot. My idiot brother thinks he's safe in his castle. Well, tonight, boys, we'd done on the flesh of that asshole as dry leaves that go.

Duh, dude. He ain't home. It's a special, come here. Come here, come here. It's a special D.P. riddle Christmas this year. D.P. riddles? Why are you dressed like Santa? But you have not had the same mannerisms.

You look like Dan Acquered in training places. You look like Dan Acquered. You look like Dan Acquered. I beat up a mall man and I took his clothes. What's a mall man? What's a mall man? What do you think a mall man is? I'll go for J.P.

We're not moving on until you explain what a mom in is. It's a pal. Pal, pal. DJ As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky So the raccoons little claws scurried up the gutters and old JP riddles gave his curses and mutters and motherfucking Get into my brother's house and eat his clothes and sleep at his poop. Now a sleetful of toys would be a welcome relief, but old JP riddles pulled a knife from his sheath, and by knife I mean old rusty beef or only land, and the sheath was a sock that he nabbed from some kid, and by nabbed as a term, it's more flowery flattery for a truth to get it smacked

him with a sock full of batteries. Then everyone's horror about the roof came of the prancing and pying of each little hoof. What's your most hippie? There's police outside. Okay, well, those police are going to have to celebrate Christmas by themselves because we're all stocked up to that Okay, where was I? Where was I? Something about a hoof?

No, yeah, and everyone's horror up on the roof came the prancing and pong of each little hoof. That's right JP riddles had deep hooves to the beasts Which only made them more furious and somehow more diseased That's the thing right All right. What are you fucking art critics? No, you're a little boy. You had your jammies and you're here for your here for a story We're here for Christmas. Please. I don't believe in Christmas Please let us go. I'll let you go. We'll all go soon to heaven As the family drew together at the terrible sound down the chimney,

JP Riddle's came with a bound and he was dressed in what one might have described as clothes, but they long since been rotted and all but decomposed. I don't know how inorganic matter decomposes, but that's what the case was. Are you giving your own writing notes? JP Riddle? Uh-huh. Is it true that you lived in the chimney of our house for several What are you giving your own writing notes? And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and his hair was a tangle and missing in patches. I could use himself some keeps. And picking himself up from the ground with a scoop, one thing became clear. He was covered in poop. What it looks like, JP Riddle's made a mess in your car, he shrieked, making his way

to the bar, and he mixed up cocktails that's suited his taste, one part vermouth, four part squirrel paste. You can't know what squirrel paste is, right? It's what you wrote this poem in. Oh, yep. It's what you gave me for my birthday. You told me a live squirrel, and then you told me to ring it out.

Yeah. And then I gave you the pace for several different things. You kids are smart, what did I say those things were? It's a binding agent for arts and crafts. And he said, scrollpaces also discontinued music mags, specifically for squirrels who are into alt music. Yeah, specifically I said, eating, cooking, stuff, and snooking.

And that's a kiss intern for Mary Potter, I think. Ah, anyway, he'd drink it down quickly and spit. Nogging. Oh, sorry. Nothing. That's what you call. Careful, careful. I know.

That's why he fall asleep in the fog. He drank it down quickly and spit for good measure. His eyes full of fury and panic and pleasure. And then to the floor flung the bindle from his back and he looked like a maniac ripping open his pack. His eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry, his eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry, his breath, a disaster,

and his skin, a damn crime, and every single inch of him covered it, grime, his dirty little mouth was drawn up like a snake, and the beard on his chin was obviously fake. Mercy, Uncle Zippy Mercy. No, no, no, we gotta finish the riddle with the Christmas miracle, huh? Oh, he was skinny and crazy. A right jolly old elf.

And they cried when they saw him in spite of themselves. With a wink of his one good eye and a twist of his head, soon filled the family with thoughts of great dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work and filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk. Sissy, Sissy. He said he was kidding and crazy. I think this is where we tie.

Oh, please, talk about yourself. I'm just gonna roll myself a squirrel cigarette. I just thought this was gonna be a typical swan lums, but I guess it's a Christmas theme swan lums that are specific to the events that just happen in our house. The squirrel is not even dead yet. The squirrel is smoking as he smokes the squirrel. He's singing a song about wrapping up a squirrel like a cigarette, but he's cutting up

his stomach with a glass. And laying his finger aside of his nose, he shot a snout rocket and up the chimney he rose. He sprang up his sleigh, his raccoons are cooling and they covered him instantly and then started chewing. But they heard him exclaim, Erie, sped out of sight, get these damn raccoons off me for all die from their bites. And slowly, the family peaked into their stockings and to no one's to surprise. They were all filled with squirrel droppings. Well, that's the story and Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas to you, JP.

I wrote that. I wrote that. Maybe partially a little bit of aographer, of old JP riddles. JP riddles? Even on a day like today, and you're the craziest skinny old man I've ever seen in my life. I wish you a Merry Christmas and happy holidays, and I hope your heart feels warm today too.

Yeah, Uncle JP, I'm gonna use your full name because that's how much love is in my heart. I love you, Uncle JP Nickelodeodeon's, Gak Riddles. Well, you kids are, you know, old JP Riddles doesn't get very sentimental off. And but I gotta tell you that drop the center. You're just mental. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's a good job.

It's a good job. You kids are important to me, and though my brother might speak ill of me, I want you to know that there's always a place that old JP riddles his weight in, and it's not in your heart, it's in a jail cell. Because... Or our chimney for several years. Or that for sure, and I wouldn't go in that chimney as well because my squirrel wife's still in there, and she's mad at me because I got her in the old family way. Left one now. Is this the one you call, Squife?

My Squife. Squirrelife. And you had a second squirrelife, too, you call it, your squeaklet? Oh, my God. My side squeak. Yep. There's only one thing we want for Christmas from you. What's that?

And it's a clip show of all of your appearances on the show, starting with your origin story in episode five. Well, that would be a Christmas miracle. And ending with your origin story. Would I sing blue Monday? Okay, well, you know what, kids since it's Christmas and since you asked nicely, I'll do it. I'll do you exactly that.

So everyone's strap in and enjoy your Christmas. Remember this is a this is a show that's for the kids and for the family. So play it around the hearth No, no, okay. I mean told not it old JP riddles. I'll see you in 2008. That's next year, right? No Merry Christmas to all and to all a good Christmas to all and to all a good all man take me to the hospital I'm thrilled to say that Aaron is gonna be our old woman riddles today old man puzzles Old man puzzles and you also

We did introduce ourselves. I'm out of reply J P. P. C. I should have said riddles. I remember that so much. I'm re-branding. I had the internet as well. And Aaron keep his ear. I re-branding myself to JP Riddles. JP Riddles. JP Riddles in a session.

Or JPC stands for Joke's Puzzies and Clues. J. By the way, JP Riddles sounds sounds like I like a knockoff RL style. Yeah. Do you read that new book by J.P. Riddles? No. Shut up. It's terrible though. Swan, should I remember?

Swan Bumps. I was J.P. Riddles and these are my swad bumps. Oh, and is that a goosebumps? Yeah. Swan. I like that. Swan Bumps. Oh, instead of Goosebumps, Swad Lumps. I do. I like how we change Swad, but we kept Bumps. OK, I have to ask for JP Riddles to read us an excerpt from one of his newest books in the series called Swam Lumps.

Swam Lumps. Swam Lumps. Swam Lumps. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Swam Lump. Sw We're all around a campfire and let's have JP riddles read us from his new way. We're all out the campfire Is this are you afraid of the dark or is this the? Yeah, that's what I said Mr. Reddles Mr. Reddles read your story How do you kids keep fighting me? Oh boy, all right, all right you little perverts. I'll read you a story This is my latest one lumps and it's called goose bumps

Little Kevin Braverman was a very brave little boy. Oh, he's aptly named And he was also very cleverly which as we know means Swedish Kevin Lee, which as we know, means... Swedish. Are you saying sweet-ish? Sweet-ish, yes. Like he's kinda sweet. Stop interrupting me! You little shit bird.

And Kevin Braverman was constantly being bullied at school. Oh, Kevin Braverman, if you're so brave, you'll go spend a night in the old... M-Mansion! He's a coward like you, Kyle. He's a coward like you! I'm a coward. Also, that doesn't sound like bullying. That sounds like he's being challenged. Yes. Well, one man's challenge is another man's bully. Kevin Braveerman thought, I can spend a night in the old place.

It's not as haunted as everyone says. So he crept up to the old house. He crept or crept? I'm sorry. He said he crept up to the old house. Would it be... What are you, a fucking... Fucking editor?

I am for this little newspaper. Really? Go Knights. What's... N-I-G-H-T? N-I-G-H-T-S. Great. Not time is when I come alive.

Perfect. What are you charged? We should talk. My editor, I think he's fucking screwing me over here. You couldn't afford me. What happened next? What happened to Kevin Rayverman? Kevin Rayverman opened the door.

And he opened the door sound. And walked into the house. Creaking for sound. And he shut the door, but he went fast to sleep. But little did he know, an old author who was very crazy lived in the house, and the author murdered Kevin Braverman with, he clubbed him to death with a fucking book, because Kevin Braverman with, uh, he clubbed him to death with a fucking book Because Kevin Braverman and his dipshit little friend would follow the author into the woods at all hours of the night And the author was just trying to get out there to masturbate because his damn wife won't let him do it What was the author's name? What was the author's name?

Look at my arm, I have swan lump. That author's name, book clothes, was JP Reynolds a club, club, club, club. We're in a club now, thank you. You gave us these jackets. We're welcome, enjoy. Members only. This RL Steins going to sue you? What's that? Yeah, I do think RL Stein's gonna sue you. What's that? Yeah, I do think RL Stein's gonna sue me, but... But not for this.

But not for this. Hey, Rick, oh, Rick! Oh, and we actually have a special guest to read this riddle. No, okay. And that is JP Riddles himself reading the riddle for one of his famous swan loves books. Let's gather around. Let's gather around the campfire Well, hello there children. Hi JP riddles. Oh, it's me JP riddles. You look worse. Just said what what do you mean? I look worse You look like you've aged 20 years. Yeah, since the last time we saw you which was just a couple days ago Well, yeah, well last time it was night and this is the day.

Have you just been eating all these Chef Birdy Spaghetti? No, these are neighborhood kids throw these in my yard. That's cold. Well, they're empty. I've only been there cold. That's canned. Are you living out here? No, I live in the house. Why would I live in the yard? I can see one of your testicles through your shorts.

That's the way the shorts were designed I don't think Billabong does a make shorts like that. Well these are Billabong Baga-Bales. I don't I can't afford Billabong Yeah, well I had to clear off the cans from the yard every part of this is Explain why he's in the corner Every part of this is explainable. Why is it on the corner of your mouth? Well, I tripped when I was cleaning it up,

and I rubbed, you know, when you rub your finger, your mouth, like you got an idea or a secret. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Is your wife that read the story? Would you like to hear one of my swan lumps or not? Yes. Why does the town call you the worst man that's ever lived?

OK, well, I lost one vote to have my name replaced with that, and that's what I am. And we have a statue for RL Stein in the middle of town. Why don't we have a statue for you? Oh boy. Well, you know, JP Riddle's had a statue put up, but I guess it was deemed to be pornography by the judicial board, and I lost a court case and so now I the statue is here in my yard and as you can see it's covered in Chef Boyard decans because some of the naughty parts can I read my Swan Lump and now? Why would you scope one testicle coming out of the shorts? Swan Lumps. That's one of my

Swan Lumps. Alright, okay this is a riddle from the Cocoa birds conundrum Swan lumps that jk Rowling books shut up I'm sorry. I'm sorry JP riddles didn't mean to yell This is a riddle from the Cocoa birds conundrum swan lumps one of JP riddles jk Rowling Are you related to jk Rowling? What's the riddle? They have not flesh nor feathers nor scales nor bone Yet they have fingers in some of their own dog is dog what oh it's dogs. Is it you? Wait, I got I got flesh and bones I got I got flesh and bones

Get bone on night I'm fine I'm full of chef boy on me. I'm living in my yard. I'm good Can you repeat I can bone on night into this paper corner? All right, here's a rental one more time It's from the cookware and skinned under one lumps 104 or nine. It's for both I repeated a book They have not flesh nor feathers nor scales nor bone If they have fingers and thumbs of their own what are they gloves? Yeah What are they? Gloubs. Yeah, well the gloves. Yeah, you got this. It's good.

It's so worth it. Happy smart guy. That journey could have been shorter. What's your name, smart guy? My name is Michael. Michael, what's your last name, Michael? Michaelson. Michael, Michaelson, I have little swallow lips for you.

You ready for it? Oh, it's not over. Yeah, there's another one. Why are you just raising the back of your hair? Here's one for you, little buddy. There was Yeah, there's another way. Why are you just raising the back of your hands? Here's one for you little buddy. There was what's annoying shitbird brat who lived in a small town with an angry pervert. And this pervert had been kicked out of his house by a wife who hates him and so he

said his yard with his pornography statue and he's eating Chef Boyardy off the ground. Sounds like you Michael. It's not Chef Boyardy. He bought in a store mind you. It's Chef Boyardy that neighborhood boys and girls have thrown at him But he's making he's making the best out of a bad situation He's getting a little meal and sure he's cutting his fingers up pretty bad on those cans But makes the fingers bloody and oh the blood hides the pain anyway this dumb shit

Her little kid comes in and runs his mouth off because he thinks he knows the answer to the riddle and guess what he does He's the smartest boy in town, but I'll tell you something this little kid does it though I'm gonna stab you in the heart give you hepatitis Gloves Actually, can I hear it again? Oh boy All right, good night everybody It's three a.m. Wow, thanks JP riddles. I always love it when he stops by and does one of his- JP C were just in the bathroom, he missed it. Oh man.

JP Riddles was here. I was just in the corner peeing on myself, you mean? It took forever. Well, you know what, I'm P-Shi. Yeah. There's people a lot of screaming. Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick Speaking of kids, I think that we should travel back to one of our lost episodes. This is one... Oh, when the podcast used to be about solving the puzzle from the recent 20 shows.

So, this episode, you're probably going to notice, has a pretty big glaring audio flair in it. But we're going to go back to it anyway anyway because this is one of our favorite segments. It is a return to Swan Lumps and our old friend JP Riddles. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, b, buh, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b, b's boat, whose boat was it? Shut up, you shut up. And you know more questions than you. What's this, Mr. Wittles? Yeah, you're a blonde girl. Although that does not look like a good hair color for you. I recommend fixing that. It's not going to go well for you, sweetie. Mr. Wittles calm down. She didn't die. She was frightened. All right calm down front teeth And now I'd like being your babysitter did I need the money?

Both the other most questions are no As you know, I do have a considerable amount of money that is being held by the federal government until I can prove that I'm a human person Oh, can you read us a chapter from one of your famous books while we all indulge in a 12-ounce bottle of surge? Yes, you can now. Mr. Widdles, what were the numbers that Desmond had to take into the... Why are we just reading one of my books? Okay? I never these fucking questions about a show I would have sought for.

Seize himself. Okay. And Mr. Widdles, why don't you have kids of your own? Why don't I have kids of my own? Kids in the neighborhood say you got a broke dick. They say that they don't work. Kids in the neighborhood said that you spent the better part of the year trying to make a puppy come alive to be your son.

Okay, well. Some people say puppets, some people say puppy. The answer to that question is in Swan lumps 276 a lump in the back of the goat Oh, no, do you want to hear the story of that? This is an auto-bottom is the only autobiographical swan lumps I ever wrote Sissy sissy That's a blank journal. Oh That's a blank journal. Uh-oh. Now do you kids want to hear?

The swar loves 276, the love in the back of the grove. Yeah, but Mr. Widow's, you're coveting crumbs. You just covet head to toe and crum. These are not crumbs. These are sequins from a sweatshirt I ate. Will you promise when you say back of the goat that you don't say it in the voice of Adam Sandler? I will not promise and I won't say back of the goat. Cause last time you said,

all right shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Now here's what's going on at your back of the goat. All right. It was a dark and storm. It was a St. Patrick's Day morning. When a little kid, let's just call him Billy.

That's my name. Oh, is it good? Well, Billy and his dumbass little sister, who had a bad, died job and an even worse personality, came and bothered, oh, let's just call him GP riddles. Why did Boone have to die? He was so handsome. They had just finished eating a sweet sweet sweet sweatshirt

And all boy he had them secret crumbs dripping and all down his chest and they asked him a bunch of bullshit questions about how we spit Oh, I don't know 18 months trying to make a puppet come to life and eventually you shoved a little puppy's organs in the puppet And try to push it all together and make that laugh But you know that didn't work out so well for old GP Reynolds And so yeah, he uh, said put out a monster more than said. I'd like to watch everyone's kids And I charged $9 and those fucking asshole parents haggled him down to 7.50 an hour Which he can't live on, but they were like, you know, what is life for a man like you in any way? He what? He used that entry point to sneak into that house and

always stole all the toothpaste and medicine pills that he could and he shoved him down his mouth and he ate those things and he chewed them all up and it gave him super strength as he took all the counter cushions and he taped them to his bodies and the police bullets could have get him and he walked into a bank and he said I'll have all the money of the bank and tink tink pink pink oh they shot him and it hurt oh it hurt it went right through those couch cushions and old JP riddles died he died and he coached those damn kids Billy and bad died. The JP riddles funeral or a relative is speaking. JP riddles has faked his death more than any man I know. It's almost weekly.

So I'm gonna keep reading the speech I've read every time. I have a few things to say. A ghost! It's the puppet boy with a puppy organ. That's an ambulatory puppet with puppy organs. I feel like I knew JP Riddles better than anyone. He was a terrible man. Crunch, crunch in the butt. What was that? Crunch in the butt?

What was that baby? I don't know what you're talking about. We're in present day. Why would I know a future place? I mean, it's probably something cool like Crunch but upside down. I think I knew JP Riddles better than anyone. Oh hey JP Riddles. No, my name is John Patrick Cohen.

I'm the author of the very popular JP Riddles books, where there exists a world where a character named JP Riddles writes a popular series of books called Swan Bups. Oh like when he's naked dude? Oh is this like a lemon he said it to? Nancy! Bop bop bop bop bop! called Swan Bups. Oh, like when he's naked, dude? Oh, he's just like a lion, he's naked. It's he. Oh, I missed JP riddles. I would be honest with you. I don't know, I hate him. Also, has anyone drawn JP riddles yet?

I've heard, and this is folklore, common folklore, that he cannot be drawn, because the vestige that you would draw would be so dreadful. It's chilly or very wild. I want the whole world to see a scene where I want to see JP riddles in a hole and I want two kids to, we're going to play the two kids who've stumbled across JP riddles in a hole and I want two kids to, we're gonna play the two kids who've stumbled across JP riddles are our swan lumps, author, stuck in a hole.

I'm always happy to break some swan lumps into this. Hello? Hello? Hello, hello. Who goes there? Who goes there? Hey, it's us. It's us.

Oh, there's two kids who keep following me around. Where you're mixing that for you, please. Okay, now, as unconfirmed. We came into the woods because we wanted to learn about nature and we have an insect book where you check next to the insect that you get used to. Let me see that insect book. Did you know that?

None of this is food, useless. What's a book? Well, I thought maybe there was a sample inside. A food. But the book has samples inside. Magazines is what you're thinking, huh? Yeah, they're scratch-ins sometimes shut up! What do you do with a little dip-shits doing out here in the woods?

We were looking for insects, specifically an earwig. Did you know that an earwig is a bug? Who gives a shit? Now leave me alone, I'm laying in this grave waiting for the Lord to take me. It looks like you're stuck. All you have down there is a tarp. And what are those other things? Business of the tarp, these are pants.

Oh, God. These are pants that I made a tarp that I made in the pants. What else is down there with you? Here, let me shine this flashlight. There's a raccoon penis bone. Uh, some empty luncheables containers. What else is down there with you? Here, let me shine this flashlight. Is it a raccoon penis bone? Some empty luncheables containers? They were the pizza kind, but... Did you eat that?

No, the raccoon ate them, and I ate the raccoon. Now, all that's left is a little penis bone down here. Did you eat this like pizza? Oh God, no, he tasted like trash and death and cigarettes and it's still ash. Why are you ball-steep and then Jimmy John sandwich? Oh, that's what this is. Well, damn, I've ruined it.

I've ruined it, but okay, that makes sense. That could definitely go to meet God. I like that. What else is down there? Okay, there's some loose cigarettes, some looses as they're called. Ooh, tell us a story. And use everything you see down there.

Okay, and one of the other thing that's down here is one of the famous swan loves. Swan loves. Wait, Charlie, I'll do go to my neck. You're a nephew, Charlie. First of all, you're not my nephew. Okay, I don't have a brother anymore. I'm Charlie, and this is Wilson's war. I'm Wilson's war.

Our parents are weird. Okay, Charlie, you go down and I'm gonna go on your shoulders and then you lower me down. Hello, fucks that get over. We're gonna be in the hole and go. What are you gonna grab him? He's gonna drop and then I'm gonna drop him down. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, chill.

And he's gonna drop me to the ground. All right, come on down. One, two, three. Yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're here, come on, you're a boy. How much is Dory?

I dug this grave to die in, but since you kids kids are here since I got one of my swan's lunch time I just well give you all a little story Okay, thank you. I'm a can eat this walking into the woods All right Yeah, I like Chuck but without the scene I'm not getting sued okay, and because he's Chuck is litigious. He's in that new movie about being a superhero. He really needed that flashlight at start. Exactly, and he died with a wave for a couple of years.

And he was in marvelous business. He's a superhero. Aaron keeps things he's really handsome. Sometimes she cites him as being her exact type. He's too tall How does he play opposite of anybody's six five six six? That's why I'm in shazam and shazam they put him off as it kids. That's true. Yeah, okay Accentuate the difference looks like everybody got a fucking answer for old JP riddles I will I will okay. This is a swan lumps one 22

Like Borat What say swan lumps one twenty two Say it like Borat What say swan lumps like borat? swan lumps There's a swan lumps one twenty two old man who laid down his own grave. Okay. Here we go What's about a time there was a very old man who was so old and then one? Not a color response There was a very old man who was so old and then won a little old one. He's not a call responsible Okay, there's a hundred five years old guy. He was so sick of this world sick all the little piss and misquiet shitball little last bird kids What around with their skin boards and they're fucking not food reports flash fly

Raccoon p this is they either side. He was just gonna lay down a grave in it all so he ate a bunch of bricks Fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla-fla- I came out of the forest and old JP riddles was so Full of fucking fake crab meat and raccoon parts that That didn't taste like pizza vegetables. I said it's no mouth to stomach And if you would have asked I would have bought you imitation crab meat The fake crab meat's there Fake crab meat is what old JP riddles told himself he was eating to get that raccoon down Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, my shoulders don't just turn to stand, Egypt wins, blow it away. Say. I missed him. That's out.

I want my text sound. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you're throwing the flashlight. I love it. One of the fun things about playing characters is like laughing as characters are doing something as a character that you weren't expected to do. Like make a sound of like a character

inserting themselves just to see what it's gonna be. Like, oh, what does this sound like to this person? Oh, it's so funny. Yeah. God, that is my favorite thing about the show. It's JP Reddell. Right. I'm not even joking.

Um. Fuck you, big boy. Hey, Rick, come back home. Hey, you're a great, great, great girl. Hey, GPC. Uh, uh, yeah. You're not in trouble. I just need help. I'm, um, pranking Atal. And I'm setting up a whole website to prank him. Um, can I just need some advice? This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

I'm not, I'm not mad at you. We're pranking at all. Spaces to all one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and to see it online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, square space makes it easy to create a beautiful website engaged with your audience. And so anything for products that cut into time into time all in one place all on your terms. Hey, Otto. Come here. Come here. Come here. Hey, what's what's going on? I actually I want to prank JPC and I want to set up a whole website to prank him. Um, do you have any thing that like is there like a online store that could set up on my website to sell product?

Did you know that with Squarespace, you can have custom merch, you can easily sell custom merch and create passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand, design your products and production, and inventory and shipping are handled for you, saving you time and money. What is happening?

Okay. Wait, what's going on with Addle? Oh, nothing, nothing. I'm just setting up a very normal Squarespace website, not a prank thing, new, and he's gonna tune you. And I'm gonna use analytics, use insights to grow my business and learn where my site visits and sales are coming from. That's pretty cool. I'm gonna improve my website and build marketing strategy based on top keywords, our popular products and content on my

prank website, the prank activity. Whoa, that's awesome, Aaron. I'm glad you're using Squarespace. Did you say what the website was for? I can't remember what the website was for. Yeah, the website was for. Prank. With Squarespace. Yeah, it's for you. You can connect to your store to Vedent Third Party tools

to extend the functionality of your website. Hey, JPC, hey, JPC. What's up, Adel? I can't believe we pranked Aaron with our little boy routine. Dude, we got her. Anyway, if you want to prank Aaron with your little boy routine, head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase

of a website or domain. Oh, she's back, she's back. Hey, Aaron. Hey, Aaron. Can we go to grandma's house? Wait, I've been pranked. But how? I don't know.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, Adel and JPC. Thank you for meeting me in the middle of the woods here. I am sort of at an impasse. I can't decide whether or not to go this way or this way. I'm having a hard time choosing a path. You know, they're never truly is a middle of the woods. Isn't it funny to think about something like that? Like, have they're never truly is a middle. No, this is the middle. Okay, this is it. Addle, can you help? Yeah, actually, so as per Robert Frost, I don't know if you know his poems.

He has a poem called Better Help. I believe this is written in the 1800s, but it still stands true today more than ever. Aaron, you should try Better Help. Have you heard of this? You seen this? Because sometimes Aaron in life were faced with tough choices and the path forward isn't always clear.

Whether you're dealing with decisions around career, relationships, being stuck in the middle of the woods, therapy helps you stay connected to what you, ow, ow. Sorry, that also bad so fast. Therap therapy helps you stay connected to what you, ow, ow, sorry, that also does so fast. Therapy helps you stay connected to what you really want while you navigate life and the woods. Mmm, and better help is entirely online, so it's designed to be convenient, flexible,

and suited to your schedule. I've been using it for several years, and it suits the way that my brain works, way better than traditional therapy ever did. And when Aaron says traditional therapy, just so everyone's clear, what she means is tricking two of her friends to coming to the middle of the woods, even though there isn't truly the concept of the middle of the woods. Isn't that fun to think about?

All you have to do is just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge. Hey, Aaron, a GPC's putting down bread crumbs and then immediately picking them up and eating them. Oh, dirty bread crumbs. Mmm. Mmm. And he's also like really into that owl who's swooping down.

Anyways, let there be your map with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help h-e-l-p dot com slash riddle r-i-d-d-l-e R-i-d-d-l-e the middle of riddles of d but there is no true middle of riddle because it would be the space in the Bye. I am home. I am home. Who are we? What is this? I, uh, clink, clink, clink. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Um, I just want to make a quick toast to, uh, I know it's JPC's birthday.

And we're all so excited to talk about him. But I want to talk about my favorite, my favorite thing in the world. Oh. And that is the app rocket money. Oh, yeah, Aaron, that's one of my favorite things as well. Uh-huh. Rocket Bunny is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years way before they were a sponsor, and it helps me so much, especially around tax season. Clink, clink, Kling, Kling, Kling.

Sorry, I also want to give it a toast. Rocket money, well quickly and easily find your subscriptions for you. And for any you don't want to pay for anymore, just hit cancel and Rocket money will cancel it for you. It's that easy. Kling, Kling, Kling. Mm-hmm. It also categorizes your expenses so you can easily track your budget in real time and also

get alerted if anything looks off. Over three million, over three million people have used rocket money, saving the average person up to $720 a year. We love rockets coming here, don't we? Stop, stop, no, stop, stop. Throwing your money away, cancel unwanted subscriptions today and manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocket money.com slash riddle.

That's rocket money.com slash riddle. Rock at money dot com slash riddle. And tell them JPC's birthday got ruined by two of his friends for doing speeches about rocket money. The website. I love you, Rugga money. Link, Link, Link. Hey, Rick, oh, Rick, oh. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man.

You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man.

You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man. You're a real man doesn't have a phone. He doesn't even says that to Yeah, I'm calling I'm calling it I'm calling it ready JP JP Red House Move over go and give me who get out of here. You take too much of my salmon You I should half the salmon

You took more than that. JP hold on. It's your sister. I don't have a sister. You have a sister I don't have a damn sister. We're twins. All right Molly. What do you want? All right? Here's the thing? Yeah, the kids want to stay with you for a spell. Can they stay with you? I don't have a dance sister. We're twins. All right Molly, what do you want? All right, here's the thing. Yeah. The kids want to stay with you for a spell. Can they stay with you? Hey, by the way, those peanuts that you gave me, I tried eating them. They were comics, Molly.

I'm hungry. Every time I send you something, and my home is wet. Because it's raining outside. You live outside. We cut to that home of Charles Schultz as the doorbell rings Oh, hello, can I help you? Yeah, I got a complaint. Yes. I tried to think a Lionel is too funny

What you think like Lionel is too funny. I think I lose too funny Sorry my wife's a teacher Sorry my wife's a teacher. I do want to see a scene again. Oh my goodness. This is going to be a swan lumps. For that. This is a P riddles. This will be old classic,

old classic JP riddles. Old classic JP riddles. And JP riddles, you are with your Aaron and I who are your niece and nephew, I think we've established. For sure. Halfheartedly. And you're gonna be telling,

you're gonna tucking us in with a bedtime story that's kind of like 101 Dalmatians, but it's your own little twist. Okay. When will our parents be home? When is our mom and dad coming back? They went to Rome and they forgot to hire the babysitter. So they'll be back in a couple of weeks. As soon as they're done with the little trip,

they're to the Vatican and all of the Pope and all his castles. But you're stuck with old JP ridP. Rittles until further notice. They didn't hire babysitter meaning that they don't know that you're watching us. No, I intercepted a phone call. They called a babysitter in service. I've been putting flyers all around the neighborhood. All of those flyers lead back to a phone number. That's a burn a phone and a squirrel took the burn a phone from me. They went up into a tree, but I climbed that tree at night time. I strangled that squirrel. I ate his tail. from me and he went up into a tree, but I climbed that tree at night time, I strangled that squirrel and I ate his tail. JP riddles. Men so I intercepted the call from your parents, I disguised my voice, I'll let Mrs. Doudfire.

Oh well, hello, I'd be happy to skate on a babysitter in the service for you way to go to Rome. And now here I am in the big house in a nice neighborhood eating peanut butter out of the jar, no spoons for old JP riddles. What is it you watch as your beloved family member? I am going to take charity from nobody, okay? And now JP Riddles has the run of the house. These are your dad's pants and this is your mom's blouse. Oh, go JP. What's that?

Now don't call me Uncle Jay. You call me JP Riddles. So you call me Dr. Riddles. Dr. Riddles? Yes. Yeah, okay. JP Riddles. Yes? Why did you eat that squirrel tail if you were going to come over here and eat peanut butter?

Well, you know, the plan is playing and the revenge is a different thing. So anyway, a C.P. Riddle climb up into the bed. Okay, and I know that I pushed I pushed a two sofas together and I call in that a bed because I'm taking all the beds in the house. Can you read us a story? A little bit before yes.

What do you want? I'm wearing our moms perfume because it smells like it. I'm not wearing your mom's from Fium. I drink your mom from Fium because I thought I was having a big glass of brandy And J.P. people just has that alcohol or quite some time unless you count squirrel urine which you got those fuck you up Pretty good. J.P. really good. Same as alcohol. Come in the bed. Now, what do you want now? It looks like your hair is on fire recently. Okay, well I did have to watch all of Mrs. Doudfire and I tried to recreate a couple of scenes and I didn't let my hair on fire.

You look more like fire marshal bill from in living color. Well, isn't right. My brother's right. I don't know how you fucking make that reference. You're a little 13 year old missprie and I have run a cloud into the couch bed. You're going to hold on to a whole lot of good JP. Hold on. Now what do you want of a girl?

I'll leave today one more question from you. You've had the same piece of spinach in your teeth since I was born. Why don't you take it out? Now I would love to take it out, but this piece of spinach was surgically inserted into my teeth by a doctor that was as dying wish, that I keep it here. Same comment as my sister, but the fork in your neck.

No, yeah. Well, JP Riddle's started watching Mrs. Dad Fire, but apparently I was watching the movie Frankenstein, and I did a couple of things wrong, and then about halfway to the movie, I realized my mistake, and started watching the movie Frankenstein and I did a couple of things wrong and then about halfway to the movie I realized my mistake and started watching the right movie, but it's not even two forks on each end It's one for all the way all the way to it. I think I mixed up the importance of what it is indeed So I'm just gonna wait till it my own degrees now get into bed and I want to read you this story Okay, this is one of my famous swan lumps books. This is swan lumps 22.

A swan lumps 22, the man who made one coat out of one dog. Okay, so once upon a time there was no hermity man and he had a horrible shitty life and he lived out in the yard and he had no friends and no family. One day his no good brother and his beautiful wife went to Rome. Yes, he went to Rome on a vacation, an old JP, I mean this man in the woods, snuck into the house and he found that there was a dog guarding the house and he made quick work of that dog and by that I mean he took about 45 minutes and let the dog bite him all over.

But finally, he strangled that dog with the horse back. He has his back pocket and fight and he cut the dog up and made a little back. A dog that we love that we rescued. Back to gone. Okay. He went to row with your parents. See.

God. I hate. JP Reddell is one of my favorite fictional characters in anything. JP Reddell is with Mary Poppins. Yeah, JP riddles is just me blacking out. He talks through you. Never stop talking and never listen. For people at home, JP see puts his head on the table, closes his eyes and holds up a sock puppet.

It's like a mccoly situation, mankind sort of a... He's not even moving his mouth. It's like the sounds actually come from the bottom. I do it all from the top of a steel cage. I do it. Rick, oh, Rick, oh, Rick. Wait, oh my god. I know that smell.

JP riddles is somewhere close. Oh god. Oh yeah, that, oh boy, that is JP riddles. JP riddles, watch it come in here. Oh, and you got your niece enough to you with you. May someone cook and food in here? Ooh, that smells like a hot meal in here. That's you.

That image is a brick-bill-duse smell like a prockpot full of vomit and... JP Riddle's please be nice to people. We call that hooker chili. Why? What's that? You called that hooker over there, chili? That first of all, Chilly!

That hook has a heart of gold! And he gave me a ride over here. Wait, wait, wait, bring her over! Gold is, we're in our golden anniversary, so if she has a heart of gold... I'm sorry, I misspoke. She's got a heart on of gold. Oh, yeah, so... Wait, that's a cardboard cut out of Julia Roberts. Okay. Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles. Mr. Riddles, you're driving me. I'm not recording this. Don't say anything gross. Okay, okay, now now. I did bring my niece and my nephew here. They said they were here.

Yeah, we wanted to have a hot meal and I said there's nothing hotter than what's going on in this podcast studio. So what is going on in this podcast studio? We're doing our HeyRiddle 50th episode. 50 episodes. Wow, what an accomplishment. Not like me who's written over 300 swanlumps. Would you as a treat for our listeners, would you mind reading one of your swanlumps' book stories?

Actually, specifically, book number 50. Yeah. Oh, you want me to read swanlumps 50? 60. Okay, I'll do swanlumps 50. Tell them what podcast you want me to read Swanlums 50? This is your videos. Okay, let's all do for Swanlums 50. Tell them what podcast you think that you're on right now though. This is car talk. Mark, I know because there's a talking car right there.

A talking car right there. Okay, hold on, I see it's here. Okay. Let me see, but... Mr. Reddle? You can call me Jack. You're in, what? Call me Jack. We've just down down your first name? No, I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean today

And I want to be like Johnny Depp not like Johnny Depp Your pants is covered in blood no blood in the front. I'll leave it back. I'm not blood. That's piss That's not blood that's piss Back your pants it's you son or dick All right, not me, but a good question. We'll say under dick chilly backwards to All right now hold on this is a Swann lumps number 50 Mr. Vittles. Tell them what you think podcasts are okay. I told you I think podcasts are pop tarts Now this is swan loves number 50 The man who came into his podcast to get a hot meal

Well, this is pre-written Once upon a time there was a man who was a classically misunderstood kind of handsome men about town a Cavalier devil-made-care attitude Took his two little dipshit. Can you say it from the Cavaliers? Down to a podcast studio because he does podcast with pop tarts. And he wanted to get a hot meal, ain't nothing like a hot blueberry pop tarts. So JP Riddles, I mean the old man who's a handsome devil, walked into that podcast studio,

but it was a frickin' ambush and in sat-ass studio was Three little miscreants, uh, GPC and add a little what's her name? I'm a car and he can't talk to a dead-to-talking car as I would shift and look at motherfuckers In any way old GPC Pulled out the squab which was full of fake blood from his pants and dashed him all in the eyes and then stole all the pop tarts Okay, microphones and certain eating on those things until brand-garet came out of nowhere and popped him in the eyes and then store all the pop tartare K microphones And certainly none of those things until brand gear it came out of nowhere and popped them in the back of the head with a sock full of corners Oh, you didn't even open up a book All right kids come on we're getting out of here brand gear pop me a sock full of corners

Can we get a hot feel? Wow, that was a... That was a rough tip. Did you say you were required during that one? I'm sorry, but when you're in the presence of fucking talent, you shut your mouth. That's why I was talking about that. Did you see classically read swan lumps growing up and refuse to read? I stand J.B. at all. You're a surest, right? Yeah, absolutely.

And I'm a big, big fan of it. He can do no wrong in my book. Yeah. Break a brick. Break a brick. Break a brick. Break a brick. It is Humpty, Dumpty, and it appears in whose nursery rhyme?

The Queen of Swans. Mother of, mother of months. Mother of Swann Lumps. Father of months. Oh my god. I know We heard from JP riddles recently But we gotta see we gotta see a swan. I'm not gonna be Mother goose jpc you're gonna be mother swan. Okay, no, I have a PC our JP riddles great great great great grandmother She is very similar.

Has to be in matriarch, so on. Matriarchs, so on. Matriarchs, wrong? No, hi, yeah. Read one of your new little fairy tale poems. No, I don't read one of my, a fagerie of fagerie arc. What did you say, fagerie arc parents? Yes, a fake story.

Sorry, I just woke up. I was taking a nap. I was making this model airplane and then the glue put me to sleep and I took a little airplane nap. Why do you live in a big shoe? We just watched you fill the shoe with water and throw a toaster into it. Okay, now, a question on the table that stands is why do we live in a big shoe? Because would you want to live in a small shoe?

No, that would be uncomfortable. It's a big shoe perfect because it's got lots of room. And you know, why are you making that fork in that spoon kiss? I'm actually not. I'm making this fork get spooned. Forced a little spoon, spoon's big spoon, regular spoon spoon, spoon fork and then this is just a little thing I'm trying to have. Is it true that you got all your stories from a nightmare world that you entered into

behind that tree over there? partially true, what's it called? I did take a spin around that tree, a big coconut fell on my head, and now my whole life is a nightmare because nothing makes sense. And every four or five words, I get them all jumbled around in my mind.

So it's a huge nightmare for me. You think those possums hanging in the tree are coconuts? I know they go coconuts for being called possums, because I call them that, and they say, we're trashcats in this scratch-dipped my face, and they try to climb down my throat, and that is coded language, because I did try to eat one of those possums.

Why are there breadcrumbs leading up to your shoe? Are those breadcrumbs? I'm making floor soup. So those are good times, my bad. Okay, well, can you read one of your new poems? Yeah, I'd love to read one of my new poems. You got a favorite that I can read for you kids? Can you read the one about Jack and Jill?

Oh yeah, okay. Jill was wearing a jacket to the theater because she was cold. And a boyfriend bailed with like, I'm cold too, let me get that jacket. And she said, if you were cold, you should have thought about that before we left the fucking apartment and got your own jacket.

Do you say, listen, Mariah, if I knew that was gonna be cold, then I would have brought a jacket. Do you little miss Muffet? Okay, little miss Muffet. Little miss a Muffet sat in the fucking theater and she was wearing that jacket. An old JP riddles was stewining mad because he was cold as hell.

And he wanted me to get that fucking jacket on. Do Mary Mary quite contrary? Oh, Mary Mary, that's a personal favorite of mine. Mary Mary quite contrary started screaming in the middle of Hobbs and Shaw, because JP riddles ripped that jacket off her and said, I'm cold too. Do Bob Bob Blacksheep Do Bob Bob Blacksheep! Bob Bob Blacksheep! Well, I bought the fucking jacket,

so I think if I paid cash money for that... Do you think it's a song of six pins? Okay, so, whole JP Riddles are sitting in the back of the six-pits police car, and he's screaming at the guy because it's too cold in the police car. He can't wear his jacket because his girlfriend's finishing Hob's in shower, weren't it? Mature, uh-huh. Swan. Yeah? Can you end with three blind mice? This card, he can't wear his jacket because his girlfriend's finishing Hobbs and Shaw wearing it. Mitriya.

Uh-huh. Swan. Yeah. Can you end with three blind mice? That's my favorite. That's our favorite. Absolutely. This is my brother.

He doesn't have organs. That's okay. You got pipes on your chin. Just piano. He told me to avoid this. Alright, three blind mice. Hickory, dickory duck. three blind mice. Aigory, dickory duck. Three blind mice went to the doctor.

The doctor said, you're all fucking blind. There's nothing I can do for you here. I'm a night doctor and you're too far gone. And they say, we're not too far gone. We got cataracts. And he goes mice with cataracts. Well, you got yourself a problem because my dogs are barking.

And my feet hurt. And he's like, well, your feet should hurt because you live in your own shoes. And then he ate a big batch of floor soup that he had been making up for earlier that day. And he called his girlfriend who was still an opposite show. Without him, he said, I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I screamed.

And I went right to voicemail. Okay, my brother tried some of your floor soup. He's very sick. I'm gonna take a nap down here in the dirt. You guys go ahead and wake me up when it's Jesus. Sit. Oh boy, floor soup. That killed that all.

Amazing. Rit-a-brit-a-brit-a-brit. JP Riddles, JP Riddles. That was a story. That was a story.iddles, J.P. Riddles, that's a story. That's a story. Come on, please. One of your swan lumps, please, J.P. Riddles, please. I don't feel up to telling the swan lumps today.

Maybe come back tomorrow. Get out of the bath and tell us a story. Yeah, take that snake out of your penis hole. First of all, this isn't a snake, it's a rake. I'm not in a bath, it's a calf. I'm putting a snake rake calf into my, it doesn't matter, it's a rake. I'm not in a bath. It's a calf. I'm putting a snake rake calf into my own Doesn't matter. It's a medical procedure But you steal my doctor's Seas books. What's that? Did you steal my doctor's Seas books?

I stole someone's doctor peppers I definitely drank those and they were diet caffeine-free. Why even buy the doctor pepper at that point? All right, what are you kids watching? A story. A story. Also, can you take us out to ice cream? Yeah, take us to cold stone. Cold stone. Even better take us trick or treating. JP Riddle tells a story and take us trick or treating. Okay, well, we'll do a little column, a little column B.

I'll tell you a story and on the way, we're going to go to an ice cream shop and we're going to try trick or treating at the ice cream shop and see if we can get maybe 40, 50 free samples enough that we can form and then our own scoops back at the table. In GP riddles has a special way of making ice cream scoops to take the little napkins that they give them, I roll them up like they do their cones and then I put the ice cream samples inside the napkin and I put it in my pocket for getting about it fall asleep and wake up with a bunch of beavers covered covered my body trying to get at that little ice cream. But that was by playing the whole along.

I grabbed those beavers by their next strangling them dead. And boy oh boy, now I got beaver suits, beaver hats, G beaver does a living large, sex fifth avenue, and all those beaver parts. Now you kids wanted to hear a story, is that right? Yeah, I believe tell us a story. All right, this one is Swan, Lumps number 61. This is the old man in his trip to Ben and Jerry's. Well, the old man was very crunchy in Crackity,

and because he was a... What's crunchy in Crackity? And don't worry about that, he was all hopped up on Crack and Bunch of Crunch. It's a little combo of the dude that he made and he snoreds himself. And anyway, he snorted up a bunch of movie candy and crack cocaine and he walked into what he imagined was a basket robins,

but what it actually was was a bike store. What's the difference between basketball and robins and Ben and Jerry's? 42 flavors. So anyway, he's in this bike store and he's ripping petals off the wall and he's screaming at the man. And he says, you're covered in beaver bites, you old fool. You better get out of this bike store.

And he takes a fixie bike and he says, I'll take one with all the fixings. The bike owner tosses a mat on his ass and he's out in the parking lot doing a Bump a baby math, which is when you take some math and mix it with a baby Ruth candy bar It's not met for babies, which baby should not do JP riddles Uh-huh the other day when you said you found the baby Ruth in the pool. That was just a piece of shit And JPC and did JP riddle should have been at that pool. Who's JPC? The job JPC is what he calls a pool Because the water's so crystal blue. J.P. Riddle's, you got... J.P. Riddle's?

Well, we went to the movies last week. Sure. You bought so much movie candy. What other drug movie candy combinations did you make with all that candy? I bet you asked. Let's see. There's nachos weed in there.

Popcorn, P.C.P. J.P. Riddle's? Uh-huh. Why are your eyes completely white? What's that? Why are your eyes completely white? Did I can see the truth? Because I know all about Obama's wars.

What's going on? Oh, J.P. Riddles. What's going on? What did you do with the twizzlers that we bought? What's that? At the movies. What drugs did you put in the twizzlers? Twizzlers.

So I actually have a special use for twizzlers. I like to use those twizzlers as straw. Straw, so I can soak up and drink up whatever I'm drinking. It turns out what I was drinking was stolen diet, caffeine-free, doctor-pepper, and it is like horse piss. And so I ruined some twizzlers. How do you know a horse piss sounds like? Well, you know what horse piss sounds like?

That's a t-shirt. You know what horse piss sounds like? Because if you can hear it, you're too close. sounds like. That's a t-shirt. You know what, the sounds like, because if you can hear it, you're too close. I meant what it tastes like, but I think I'm catching your crazy. JP Riddles, is it, we're scared to ask this, but is it true you accidentally ate one of your family members? And when I found my members?

We're too scared to ask. My brother's gonna ask, ask the question. When I found my members, we didn't hear any rumors. We just saw your tattoo. Oh yeah. It's a picture of you eating someone and there's an arrow that says family. Well this is actually half a tattoo and half a go for bite. It gave a long to make it look like a town. It has a kid from family circus. Yeah and he's yeah and he's paying on a Chevy logo. Sorry circus shoes. Circus shoes. Circus logo. Sorry, circuit shoes. Circuit shoes. No. Circuit city.

Thank you so much. Best of my turn on the phone. Now old GP riddles did indeed unfortunately eat a member of his family. But when I say a member, I do mean a penis. And when I say a family, he did eat his brother's penis. Did you know William Shakespeare's penis was a dog? Mm-hmm, Shackie dog.

A Hound dog. It was heavy. Anyway, we're here at the Ben and Jerry's. Trick or treat, do you have any candy? Candy that doesn't have drugs in it? Why would you want that? Cause I like candy. Do you have any like sour skittles or gummy bears?

There's another one. If you like candy, you're gonna love candy laced with drugs. It's some of the best stuff. Now, okay Here's the plan. We're here at the basket robins or it looks like it's actually a bag of shoppers some sorts But I'm gonna shove you kids into the door. You're gonna start screaming and tearing things off and it JP riddles Is gonna sneak in while you're making a mess and I'm gonna go to the cash register I'm gonna plead with that thing to open up please

And if I do get it to open up I'm gonna take the take the cash out of that cash register. And we're going to go live like kings. We're going to go to the Aldi and get Chef Boy ID. We're going to eat to our hearts content tonight. How does that say? How do you kids? We're busy. See. I want to see a scene. I want to see JP Riddles at Thanksgiving dinner with his niece in nephew and we'll see if JP can do it. Oh, this will be our biggest challenge yet. No, it'll be my biggest challenge yet. You do, you have to do nothing. Hi Uncle JP Riddles, can you pass the rolls?

No, okay, pass the rolls. Here's the keys to my rolls' voice, just kidding, that's a lawn mower with a lawn chair riding on top of it. I call it my rolls' voice, but really what it is, it's a riding mower that I turn to a standing mower. Oh boy, what do you kids do in here? We're here for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, that's right.

I said I'd host this year. We're thankful for you, my tree, the mess. All right, come up into the branches. Yeah, what is this, Jake? What is this tree? This is my apartment. I lease this from my landlord.

Now my landlord's a squirrel, but he's got a big, great beard, so he's wise. Dude, Uncle JP Riddles. Uh-huh. We were, like my brother said, we're so thankful for you, so we thought we didn't want you to spend the holiday alone. Oh, that's very nice of you, but I'm never alone. I've got the ghost of my past haunting me wherever I go.

Is this harp in the corner? You're bad. That's a really good. That's a harpoon, actually. And it's a he-look sleep harpoon. Ain't nothing like a great night's sleep on a sharp, rusty underwater fish sword. You'll have a whale of a night.

That's pretty nice. Uncle JP Riddell. Yes, what do you want? You watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Yeah, did you watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? I did watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but I got to say that I was pretty dicey for me because me and Underdog have quite a rivalry.

Oh, you've alone? What's an open up to balloon the man, the balloon's based on. The underdog, you mean Sam Rockwell's acting career? I wonder you. Never mind, kids come up into the tree and I wanna, I wanna tell you, now I'm glad that I just invited you and not your judgmental parents. But Thanksgiving is-

There's just judges, that's what their job is, their judge. Well, actually, technically, they were both disbarred. Or they should be when the court gets my letter, but I did write it in squirrel blood, and I made my lay-in-lord mighty mad. But I've been borrowing that from him, but I wanted to tell you kids what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Why don't you call JP? Can you read a swan lumps that talks about what you're thankful for? Yeah, absolutely can't. I have prepared a swan lumps for this very occasion. Oh Swan lumps 159 his eyes are rolling back into his head to where it's only white Swan lumps 159 the man who fell out of the tree all things give me day Well, it was a brisk and cold February morning. That's redundant. No idea. Thanks. Give it the old.

The old man of the tree decided that he had been a wise way. I wanted to see his niece and nephew and hope that they could maybe steal some money from the parent. So he said, I'm a Thanksgiving letter. And he sent it to the school. So no one would find it. And the kids came on winningly to the tree. Now the tree was not a load-marin tree because it's more of a shrub. And it's at the governor's mansion. An old, that old man could not keep his weight balance in that tree and he plummeted right out and he smacked his head on the ground. Oh, but he was okay, right? Of course he was okay. He was dealt in the story. In fact, smacking his head on the ground, he went to the school nurse.

Now, the school nurse was the only nurse that would see him because he's not allowed back in the hospital anymore because he would steal the penicillin. And the school nurse took pity on him and she said, you know, what you need is, you just need a nice place to stay and you said, can I stay here in the school? And she said, well, that would be horribly inappropriate.

And she called the police and he ended up staying in jail. And so he spent his Thanksgiving, February through April, in a jail cell. But, you know, what kids he deserved it. Oh, what a great story. You ready for Thanksgiving dinner? Yeah, it's just... We're gonna eat a live squirrel, get your squirrel forks.

Wait, I'm coming for you, landlord. Uncle JP. Uh-huh. Why does this postage stamp have wife written on it? Oh boy. Well, kids, it's about time you met old JP Rill's wife. This stamp? Uh-huh.

She's a forever stamp. So she'll always stay young. See? You did it! You did it! Created by Adolf Refin. You did it! And I'm a pain in the world And I'm a pain in the life Keep it your hate, writ the writ your That was a HATEGOM podcast