Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #250: Melancholy and the Infinite Santas

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

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Oh Christmas time comes but once a year, with Santa Claus spreading presents and cheer. He flies to the sky, gifts piled high in his sleigh, for the children to open upon Christmas day. And while this act brings both joy and elation, should we not consider his deeds implication? How does Santa, that jolly old gnome, have time to visit every child's home? As Earth's population continues to grow, His time stays consistent. And so that ratio should theoretically spiral out of control. And yet, not once has he failed his Christmas goal. How could this be? Man has pondered for ages. Yet doctors, philosophers, druids and sages have all come up short

in their explanation. Until, well that is, for this humble narration. Who am I? Not important. I'd rather not say. But I have a perversion that involves Christmas Day. Peeping Tom, looking Lou, a voyeur, if you're French, I gave him to windows while cranking my wrench. Look, I know I'm a monster, but please, hear me out! For I witnessed a scene that you must hear about! At the North Pole, this Christmas, all covered in snow, there's me, pants pulled down, pressed to the window. And when I gazed in, what did I see? But a room full of sentas staring back at me. Man, they beat my ass. I know I deserved it. I am, after all, an old Christmas purvert.

And if you call me a liar, well, that would be a shame. For I tell you this, truly, when they beat me, I came. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, what was that? Oh, just another Christmas pervert. I chased him off. Don't worry about it. Okay. Well done old chap. Very good.

As I say in my classic phrase, pip pip pip. I know that's, uh, you all say ho ho ho, but me, Father Christmas, I'm a little bit more refined. If Father Christmas is ever telling you both the time that I um what was I say? Yes, out with a chap. I haven't got all days. Thatcher wants me home by midnight. Oh is it? Minnie? What can you month there's it? It's a it's a symbol boy. It's Christmas Eve is the 24th. We off to go to work at midnight. Yes Hey, can I ask you guys a favor? Could you can we just not with this right now because it's like this is our last moment of chill before like Christmas

in earnest and all the Santa's we have to go out and Could you just could we not I'm too young to retire stop trying to push me out of here. I'd push you back Oh, you heard me when I pushed you. Oh, dear. You forgot your spectacles every year with this one. I mean, eventually all the Santas have to go at some point. There's just too many. And of course, new Santas will arise and appear organically

on Earth somewhere buried under rubble to take the place of the retired centers. You will have to drag old Santa outta here because this is my dream job and I got another thousand years in me. Ah, come on, come on Santa, I mean obviously you're like, you're old, you're very old. Quiz me, test me, do whatever you gotta do.

You didn't know what month it was. What day's Christmas? Yeah, sure. Sometimes I think it's Tuesday. No. Two days, right? This is turning into a cave center issue all over again. Remember cave center, the very first center ever, how we let him work for too long. And by the end, it was just really bad. Yeah, but that's not gonna happen with me. I'm young, I'm nimble, see, and I kick up my heels. Oh, broke your leg. Yep.

Old Santa, can I ask you a question? I know, look, I know I'm just, I'm just a little regional Santa, okay? I'm like a, I'm a Fort Wayne Santa. So I'm like, I'm small potatoes. Like, and I, and I, I don't have any issues. I love where I am, I love what I do. I'm Fort Wayne Santa, and and I don't have any issues. I love where I am.

I love what I do. I'm for it. And that's just what I'll be. I got to ask you a question. Why don't you just take the retirement? Hey, tell me that it's not that you believe the rumors. How there is no retirement. It's just the original Santa taking you up behind the Santa shed.

Kevin, you gaze off into the distance and saying, there, the retirement train is coming as you like blast you in the head. But wait and sit in the, come sit on my lap. I'll tell you a story, but why I'm not covered. I don't know. Your phones are so brittle. I'm not. Evian bones, avian bones, two, two parts of the cooking on my lap. Parts of the story. I heard a crutch. Part number one, all sand has got a bit of a gambling problem From January through April of Rio, Vegas and I gamble way most of my money. Don't have much of retirement fund

It's and then part number two. I don't think there is a retirement I think they take you out in the shooting the bag of the head. I've seen your pets. This old Santa bets on the Sacramento Kings to win the Super Bowl. The Sacramento Kings to win the Super Bowl. They're playing the Celtics and the Super Bowl. They're both favorite to win. In February? Yeah.

Yeah. Listen, I don't know if it's true. The rumor that, you know, Santa takes you out behind oh, you know But I hear we have a good pension. Oh, sorry said that wrong. We have good vines in for the rest of our days all the deer you can eat I I Don't eat the deer because there

only the dear kids there. Yeah. Old Santa wake up tip tip. Hey, you know that these aren't the original reindeer, right? You know that every year we cook and eat them and then we have new ones and we rename them the same names to keep the illusion alive. Father Christmas, let me tell you something. You tell them, I know you're talking to me like, I know you're something. Guh. You tell them, I know. You talking to me like, I know, you're so condescending. You went to Oxford, and you think? Yes. You're just because you're so nice and are a shoot.

Now you get it. Oh, Oxford boys, we never forget anything. We ace all our tests, and we are Bringing we love our moms and dads and we all bow to the queen All doxford boys now becoming oxard teens What was that I'm gonna fight them. I'm gonna fight them. Hey look wait. Oh, Puget see can we just not can we just calm down? Okay, we're all Santaus here. Let's just relax Okay, let's enjoy this. This is our last our last moment to just like be before the fucking No No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, um, ooh, I see you got me a teddy bear, bear spelled B-A-R-E.

Yeah, I'm just getting ready for Christmas Eve. You know how it is, baby. Hmm. You guys relaxing getting nimble before the big night? Sexy Santa, could you put a shirt on? Hmm, I could. My arms are so tired from arm day baby. Hurts to lift them over my head baby. Don't know. You know what?

This is bad vibes. I'm going to go outside and try to cool off. Of course. Sexy Santa, we were just talking about the reindeer. I don't know if you know, or have noticed, but I myself, Father Christmas, of course, ride ponies. I ride horses around on my sleigh. Of course, Old Santa uses reindeer. What does Sexy Santa use for his sleigh?

Oh, that's easy. I ride gym equipment through the sky. Oh, a bow flex. I see Aropos. There's a bell on it. Yes. And if that's not working, I ran my water bed all the way to the roofs of all the hot single ladies. I go down their gymnasium, wink, leave them a couple of gifts, wink. And I do my thing. Yeah, I do the same thing. I go to the ladies's houses leave gifts and that's what I do to old Santa Very good. Um, we all are sexy Santa. It's it's great to see you. I mean Famously or one of the most coveted and written to centers. I we have some of your letters here from some of the single women

To me lays down on couch eats an apple. Oh, that's all Laila is down on couch. Eat an apple. Oh, that's old Santa. That's not a couch. Oh, whoa. Sorry old man. That's a good center used to speak people. Sit on my lap on my center. Dear sexy Santa, please, oh, please, oh, please come again.

Wink smiley face, eggplant drawing. Let's see. Foring. I get those all the time. Did you know that Santa baby was written about me? Hmm, I thought it was written about baby Santa. Baby Santa? Yes, a kaka ko ko ho ho. Baby Santa, are you going out this year? Aya, kaka, go ho ho ho.

Very good, very good. I just wanted to let everyone know the chili is ready. They do exist. Oh no, whoops. I catch you sin before he falls in the back. Oh, I almost fainted. Eminem commercial said is that you? It's me, and I just wanted to let everyone know.

The chili's ready. The Santa chili. It's got everything. Beans, meat, tomato. It does exist. Ooh. I haven't had Santa keep vaping. Painting quite a bit.

Oh. Did someone say commercial Santa's? Ho, ho, ho, I'm ha. I'm happy. He's really painting quite a bit. Did someone say commercial Santas? Oh, ho, ho, I'm, huh, hungry. He does exist. Oh, guys, guys, guys, we're sort of in here right now. Okay, we're just trying to relax before the big night. It means sexy Santa. I'm just saying like, maybe we slow down the amount of people

coming in this room, the pace that we're going out I can't write this fast Well, I think we all have two I don't know. I think you got three Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com such a riddle riddle Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com.shareedoverdil.