Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #256: Public Access TV 9!

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

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Public access number nine, who would like to go first? I guess I'm shocked. I'm shocked that I guess it shouldn't be shocked because we've been doing we've done like 300 million episodes and we are of riddles and we have so many riddles. But I'm shocked that there are this many public access ones. But I guess now you are going through the ones that we haven't used, right? We're going back through some of the ones we haven't used. Also, some people have been kind enough to email and send us brand new ones. But I'll be going off of a list that we've used previously. This was compiled. I can't imagine how much time this took.

This is a friend of the show, Eric Silver, put this together. Thank you, Eric. Probably 20 minutes. What'd you say? 20 minutes. That's my guess. Yeah, I was thinking 20-22. 20-22 minutes. Yeah, 20-22 minutes tops.

JPC, I think you're going to go ahead and go first and just spoke up. Oh, okay. Okay. Here are your options, JPC. These are from the email by Eric Silver who compiled the list. Okay. Oh.

Nonused. Your options are Richie's Place, Rhythmic Poetry, or Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call-In Show. We didn't do Rhythmic Poetry. That seems like a no brainer. That seems like something we should have hit, like nail on the head, right out the gate. So is that the one you're choosing?

No, I'll take Richie's whatever. No, of course. Richie's Place? No, no, no, no, I'm thinking the fucking, I'm thinking what's it called? Rhythmic poetry? Rhythmic poetry. Mm-hmm. Snapple, snapple, Snapple, Fiona Apple. I went to Istanbul to buy myself an instant mule.

And what I received was a gift from me. Thank you. Very, oh, very cool. I thought you were gonna say Istanbul Constantin Apple. But I guess that doesn't make sense. I guess that doesn't make sense. Istanbul Constantin Apple. No, that's good.

That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. All right, everybody, welcome back. Welcome back to our show. As you know, I always kick off every episode with a freestyle rhythmic poem right off the dome.

Yeah, that's right. Of course, I'm your host, Snake. You've already met one of our panelists. He already started talking. He's, hell, essentially a co-host at this point. You've been with the show for so long. It's Dog Boy. Dog Boy.

Dog Boy, I saw your set two nights ago at Little Sleeping Village. And I have to say, it was eclectic. Oh, thank you so much. I heard some really raucous snaps in the back, and I figured it was you, but I couldn't really see through all the smoke and the romanticized smoke and haze of the club.

Mostly vapes nowadays, mostly vapes nowadays. A lot of vapes, a lot of vapes, yes. And we have a first timer. A first timer on the poetry jam today, a new panelist. She's currently on tour all over the Midwest or the wet West Mid. I don't really know how you would define the tour. The West is Mid.

The Wet Midlands. The wet, oh, it's Wet Midlands. Wet, welcome to the show. Yes. I went to college show. Uh, yes. Thank you so much. I went to college with a wet midland. W-H-E-T. Incredible. Yeah.

Um… Walt Whitman's grandson it was. Gentlemen, I have some terrible news. I'm not sure how helpful I'll be on the show today. No! Oh, no. You're in the middle of your tour. I know and guess what I'm suffering from?

Every poet's worst nightmare. Ah! Poetry. Porn addiction. Huh? What? What? What did you say?

What did you say? I don't remember if I said porn addiction or poetry block. I'm trying to remember who said what. Honestly, one leads to the other, the other leads back to one. If it's a porn block, that's what my wife installed on our computers. No, not a poetry block, wet.

You're in the middle of your tour. Yes, I'm in the middle of my tour in the Midwest, Wet Midlands Midwest tour. Let's get wet. And if- Were you just saying that, or is that the sort of tagline for the tour? That's the tagline for it. So I go out on tour, let's get wet. And it- Were you just saying that or is that the sort of tagline for the tour? That's the tagline for it.

Okay. So I go out on tour and I get onto the stage and the light hits my face and I'm feeling confident a minute ago and then nothing, no poems come to me. I'm waiting for inspiration to strike and it never comes. No, no.

Maybe to help you maybe to help you. Could you read one of your, um, your poems that you're taking out on tour? I, obviously not a new work because you have, uh, poetry block, but could you read one of your true standards? Well, here's the thing. I've only ever written down one of my poems. The rest I just let come to me.

We'll read that one. Snaps. Yeah, snaps on that, snaps to that as well. Crackle, crackle, crackle. Dog, dog man. Dog boy. Dog boy. I have to do this every episode. I was a dog that fell into a vat of liquefied boy.

Under a full moon, lightning struck and bingo. And of course, I'm confused because we just celebrated your 18th birthday this weekend So I I thought maybe when we started off now that you would Transition into dog man, but you still want to go to boy. I get it Eighteenth birthday and dog years once I reach 18 in human years, then I'm a dog man So it switches. Oh, I'm sorry. Wait. Whenever you're ready. I'm sorry. Whenever you're ready. When I need to blow my horn, I will watch 14 hours of porn.

Alone in a hotel room. Don't. No. Faces. They're faces, you guys. Alone in a hotel room, crying in the bed. Don't. Their faces. Their faces, you guys. Alone in a hotel room, crying in the bed. Yeah.

See, I love the dance element. I love the dance element of your poem. I love every perfectly timed pause. Watching. Is this interpretive dance? Oh, I'm sorry. It's still going. A person give someone else head.

I'm not even masturbating. That's the sad part. I'm just trying to be inspired to make some good art. Thank you. Wow. Wow, it ended with running up the wall into the splits. I saw you do this live. It must have been 2016 at Stacey Shrimp in the back room

and everyone in that restaurant was so confused. It was poetry in motion. There's no other way to say it. They hated it and I loved it. They had a response. I don't want people to love my poetry. I want people to feel something when I do my poetry. Yes, it should be visceral.

We're here to challenge social norms. Well gentlemen, that kind of brilliance is over for me. I'll never write another good poem again. Rose, myself, down on table. Speaking of social norms, I have a new poem, if I may. Please. Cheers, cheers, cheers. Beers, Beers.

Beers. Norm. Norm. Norm. Porn. Porn. Porn. Thank you, dog boy out. He was a dog. So jealous. We give him a little credit because he was a dog, so it's much harder for him to write a poem because he was a dog.

Okay, and I spin around three times. I loved it, dog boy. And wet, let me just tell you right now, I know you feel defeated. I know you have this porn block or whatever it is that you said, and it's driving a wedge in that creative part in your soul. But let me tell you a little story.

About a poet named Snake, the year was 2019, and I was debuting my new performing art poetry piece traffic and of course The premise for traffic was I would go out into gridlock traffic Try to get into unlocked doors for people who drive with their doors unlocked And I would sit in people's cars and do one-on-one personal poetry for them the very First car that I tried was a psychopath The very first card that I tried was a psychopath, kidnapped me, kept me in a basement for a week and a half

until very clever FBI agent. Finally, with the help, I think they used the help of a cometerer or something like that. They tracked the guy down. So not that clever. Mm-hmm. Well, they were clever to ask for help. Okay.

I think asking for help is clever. Okay, I'm a dog, what do I know? Exactly. And when I got out of that basement, you know what the first thing that I did was? What was it? I ate, I had to eat food. I was so sick, I lost like 72 pounds.

I was just up. 72. Yeah, I had a lot to lose, but it's fine. Because when I went to eat, where did I go? Stacy Shrimp, and I sat there, and I watched did I go? Stacey Shrimp. And I sat there and I watched in the back room of Stacey Shrimp and I watched one of the best poets I've ever seen in my entire life. Now, it turns out it was a hallucination. I was in the very back room.

I was watching a shrimp fryer just in motion, but it gave me the creative juices that I didn't even know were missing. That wet is something that I think can happen to you if you witness true creativity. Well, I don't mean to, I don't mean to hunk by your own porn, but I'd like to give you a taste of what that creativity could look like. Let's see it. Oh, this sucks. I'm in a hole. Oh, this sucks. I'm getting small. I can't eat. I can't cry.

All of my tears have left my eyes. I hope somebody uses the resources of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the help of a murdering psychopath to track me down. I left a note before I left my apartment that day. It said, I'm going to be someone I'm gonna be. I'll put it in traffic. Today's episode is brought to you by Stacey Shrimp. Stacey Shrimp has got it going on.

See. One, two, three, four, hey riddle, riddle, slew, crew.