Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #257: Area 51

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

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Okay, Carl, this is Angela. Angela, this is first day. Hi. Up here at the security checkpoint. So we're just going to show her the ropes. Kind of. Cool. Honestly, honestly, Angela, it's pretty boring. We do not get a lot of traffic here. So no aliens? Well, Liam is downplaying it a little bit.

There is, there's stuff, there's something going on, but you get used to it. I mean, it's, you know, like if you have sex every night, you're like, eventually you're like, meh, meh. Okay, Carl, Carl's a notorious horn dog. I'm sorry, Angela, I'm sorry for the, I know it's your first day, but you will, If you meet his wife, too, you'll understand why. Cool. Hot wife?

Oh, yeah. Just... No! Well... I wouldn't say hot. You'd say hot? Yeah. Wait, you wouldn't? What's going on? I would say, like... You know, like, when people say, like, hot and heavy, I would say, like, she's heavy.

But not like... I'm not saying a comment about, like, her size. I'm just saying that she's, like when people say like hot and heavy, I would say like she's heavy, but not like, I'm not saying a comment about like her size. I'm just saying that she's like, Okay. They're both over enthusiastic. Are lunch staggered or do we all eat together or? Okay, I'll say it. That's fine.

Liam broke the seal. My wife is made out of titanium. She came here three years ago from her planet. Usually we have to wait to see that someone's gonna stick around, but since we came up. Wait, I'm not that gullible. This is part of the hazing on the first day.

You pretend that your wife is an alien and then I fall for it and then I'm in the crew, huh? All right, she got us. Dender rights. I guess you got it, okay. Dead to rights. You keep dropping your gun. You're gonna want to put that in a holster.

Yeah, sorry. Do you have a holster? Did they give you a holster? They did. I just, I keep thinking that it's further back than it is and I keep dropping my gun. You're shoving it down so confidently and missing it completely.

I would say leave it holstered, because we don't actually, you don't even need to be holding it. Have you ever had to use it? For like most of the day. What's that? People, crazy people trying to break in. I don't know, what, Carl, what, what? conspiracy theorists.

Once a year, once a year we get, you know, some yahoo. Who, I love you, I want to see the aliens. They'll be inside a tumbleweed, and they'll do front rolls, like they inside a tumbleweed and they'll do front roles like they are a tumbleweed and it's like, we know you're a person trying to sneak in and we gotta shoot them in the legs. Always the legs. Did they teach you that? Always shooting the legs? Yeah. And you can shoot as many times as you want but it just always has to be in the legs. If it's above the waist, you're fired. Yeah, Marshall, you quick. If you do it above the waist. Cool. Sorry to, I don't know if this is too much for my first day, but-

I mean, I told you about my titanium wife. When they interviewed me, it seemed like the person I'm replacing, there was some sort of controversy or something that happened. I was trying to put the pieces together. Yeah, yeah, I mean, we're not sanctum-gly supposed to talk about it, but every six months, just because of the kind of stuff that we see here, we have to do like a PsychoVal.

Right. And I don't know, I mean, I would say what? Like once every six months, like somebody on the base like absolutely cracks wide open and they go fucking psycho because the forbidden knowledge is like too much. It's like a weight that bears on their soul or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Usually their brains start to seep out their nose and mouth and ears. Nose, mouth, ears, nose, mouth, ears, butt. Nose, mouth, ears, and butt. Yes, there's one. We have a little song for it. There's one more hole that the brain comes out. When your brains come out, your nose mouth, ears, and butt. Yes, there's one. We have a little song for it. There's one more hole that the brain comes out.

When your brains come out, your nose, your ears, your mouth, or your butt. It's or your butt. It's or your butt. It's those three or the butt. It just really depends. But that's, yeah. Either those three or it's the butt.

Yeah, yes. Speaking of my wife, she, so she went to visit her family back on, let's call it Wisconsin. So she goes back on Wisconsin back on Wisconsin. Yes. And she goes to visit her family. And what did you do? How did you fuck? How long was he gone? Well, that's the thing. For her, for, I'm sorry, for Wisconsinites, time moves differently. So she was gone for a year, but for me, it was just a day.

Okay, got it. Not even a day, it was 12 hours. Oh, okay. That's not so bad. Is she... Yeah, anyway, yes, to answer your question, it is staggered lunches. So we will go on lunch at different times. Great, great. And it's only really gonna be two of us

up here at any given time, just cause you know, we have, you know, North, South, East, West, all the entrances the next is we gotta cover. So after this- There's more directions, but you'll learn those later. What? There's universal directions that we've learned from our job.

You learn a lot, you're gonna learn a lot. Great. You're gonna learn a lot. Does anyone wanna trade lunches with me? I panicked, I have three Chobanis. I got three Chobanis and nothing else. Oh, what's a, I'm unfamiliar. I don't know if you got a taco. Is it a taco?

No, it's a yogurt. Well, hold on. Liam and I both thought it was a taco, so I think. If it's a taco. It's two against one. Yeah, if it's a taco, we might be we might be in the ballpark. Children churro chobani you're telling me it's a yogurt chobani yogurt. I don't know if I want to eat a yogurt taco.

It's that's disgusting. It's not a talk. I don't mention we forgot to mention the guy that comes once a year in the tumbleweed. It's it's one dude. So it's the same guy we have. He keeps coming back. Yeah. Yeah. He's by this point. He year in the tumbleweed. It's one dude. So it's the same guy we have. He keeps coming back. Yep. By this point, he's in a radio flyer.

He really has to whack himself over. His legs are just for show at this point. But his picture is behind this. Let me just move some of my kids drawings out of the way. Here's a picture of him. So. Huh. So if you see him,

Yeah. Give a shout or give a shot. Looks a lot like you with a mustache. Would you say? It looks a lot like you with a mustache. Well, that's the whole point. He usually has a security uniform as well. And I'm like, hey, Carl, how's it going?

Nice mustache, wait a second, wait a second. And then, you know, we unload on this guy's fucking legs. He does. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah I don't know if he suffered PTO probably yeah, it's pretty dramatic I don't even know what PTO is in that context, but I'm assuming some because we shot him a bunch in the legs He's got to have flashes of it. Yeah, nobody's gonna be bored or something or yeah What was your previous job? Yes, where do you come from? What's your favorite animal? Oh one two three favorite animal? Aliens one two three You are gonna fit in so well here. You're going to love it here. So technically, from the guard station, we are not allowed into the sub-base, sub-base, sub-base, where they keep the cool stuff.

But like I said, lunches are staggered and you can go on walks and your security clearance will get you in anywhere. So I mean, your first few weeks, you're going to see some wild shit that we have in storage here. Oh yeah, we have a parking lot full of ufos just like Last week I was in the big hall of boxes and I found and I kid you not the Ark of the Covenant. No I Would not fuck with you on this. I found the Ark of the Covenant for sure Do you know how many cups of Christ we have here you if you go into the break room? You're more your nine at ten times you're gonna be drinking out of a cup of Christ.

Here's the thing, the dude just didn't have one cup, he died when he was 33. How many cups do you have in your cupboard, Angela? One, two, three. One. Oh, shit. Yeah, I have like 40. So it's like, the guy had so many. Angela divorced.

Divorced. Yeah. He took a lot of cups. A lot of us divorce people, we end up here. Isn't that wild? Isn't it so strange? Yeah, wild. Wild.

One of the cups of Christ says, world's number one prophet. Yeah. So he had like a whole collection. So don't think of like. There's a mug that says, don't talk to me until I've had my transmogrified wine. I want that mug.

I want that mug. We gotta make that mug now. There's one mug where if you drink out of it, whatever it is, and it turns into blood. It might be that one. And it's, that'll ruin your day. Don't remember. Quicker than anything. And here's what I'll say, Angela, right off the bat,

do not believe the movies. Indiana Jones, there's no knight in the break room protecting the cups, right? That's gonna turn to dust or whatever. Don't believe the movies, okay? Yeah, Independence Day, break room protecting the cups. No. Right? That's gonna turn to dust or whatever. Don't believe the movies, okay? Yeah.

Yeah, Independence Day, do not believe that shit. Like any alien that we have here is either long dead or they are so boring, so up to their ass and paperwork that they are not gonna be conversational. Actually, oh, sorry, Liam. I mean, Randy Quaid worked here. I'm sorry, Liam. I mean, Randy Quaid worked here. I'm sorry, yes. Randy Quaid did work here super briefly.

Yeah. It was actually part of his, well, he was doing a character study for I think Vegas vacation. For the uncle, for the cousin, cousin. Who? Cousin Randy, was it? Uncle Randy?

Christmas vacation, he, it was Vegas vacation. Vegas vacation, yeah. Cousin Randy, was it? Uncle Randy? Uncle Randy? He... That's Vegas vacation. Vegas, Vegas vacation. Yeah. Vegas vacation. Huh. Yeah. What?

So, yeah. What? But that's the only movie you should believe. Yeah. Believe Independence Day, don't believe the rest. Yes. I feel like I'm gonna fit in here. Isn't it weird in Independence Day?

I don't know how recent you saw it. Isn't it weird that the world is literally under attack from aliens and they're recruiting pilots to help fight them? And when Randy Quaid says he was abducted, they all scoff at him and go, crazy, but aliens are proven to be real because they're under attack at the moment. Isn't that weird? Anyway. Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know, my husband got all the DVDs in the divorce. No. You should say ex-husband. Yeah, you should say ex-husband. Oh, you're still wearing a ring. Oh, I don't wanna. Angela. It's okay.

I don't want to. It's okay. Carl still talks about his titanium alien wife, so it's fine. Everyone here has their own trauma, or as you put it, PTO, that we have to deal with in a way. And we're all not dealing with it

or dealing with it to various degrees. And it's fine, you're welcome here. You passed the Psychoval, so you're welcome here. Well, I'm hungry. I'm gonna go eat my Chobani's in the break room, but I can't wait to get started, fellas. One, two, three, four, hate riddle riddles, clue crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com.