Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #262: Bookworm Bonanza

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

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Uh, well, I can't tell you how Detective Dick Doggetts gets out of this latest mystery, but I know that you will enjoy how he kind of finangles his way out. What's the name? Who am I making it up to? Um, Maureen. Maureen. To Maureen. I hope that you find your...

Oh my god. Maureen, are you familiar with writer's block? Uh, no, I mean, I'm not an author. I'm a nurse. It's something that happens, um, when a writer just cannot come... Your hand's shaking. It's something that happens when a writer just cannot come. Are you okay? Your hand's shaking. No, no, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. I actually ditched this book. Let me grab another one.

Okay, to Maureen. It's always nice to meet a fa- That's dog shit. That's dog shit. Sorry, is this trash can full of books? Is this up for grabs or? No, those are mine. Those are mine and I might I'm gonna white out over them and I'm gonna redo. Okay. There's a line sir. Um hey Maureen. Yeah. You said you were a nurse

right? Yes and absolutely no pressure to write anything. You can just say to Maureen from Nathaniel. No no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Sexy stuff. What's up? Why don't you just tell me a detail about your life, okay? You're a nurse. That's great. Give me one more detail and maybe it'll spark something

where I could write you... I write fan fiction. No, Maureen! I do not want to talk about Detective Dick Doggett's with you. That is my character. I feel very protective of him. Tell me something. Do you have kids? I do not have kids. but I get a smoothie before work

every Friday as sort of a treat. What's in your smoothie? Like a little bit of lemon, spinach, green apple. Diner smoothie stuff, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. To Maureen, the way the smoothie blends is... Who's this gonna be then? You know what I think the problem is Maureen? Toss the fucking book.

You know what I think the problem is Maureen? Why? I think you have bad energy. I think you have negative energy. I think you're a bad person. I don't know if that's true. Do you have any positive relationships in your life? Lots of positive relationships.

And also, like, I just had David Sedera sign my book and he was so funny and he writes a different funny thing in so many people's book. I know David Sedera writes a different funny thing in the books, okay? Why do you think I'm here? You think I'm here because I like selling my book for $25 a pop? I'm here to write a funny thing and I'm gonna do it. Detective Dick Dogg, it's Maureen, smoothie, lots of positive associations with... To Maureen, all the best. Okay, next, next. Maureen, next. You spelled my name wrong.

It doesn't matter. First of all, it's an impossible name to spell. It's an impossible name to spell. No it's not. Is it an O? Is there an O in there? No, of course not. Well then how did I get it wrong? Oh, you know, right? I wrote Dick Doggits. I'm getting back in line. I'm getting back in line. I wrote Dick Doggits. Okay, okay, next, next, start next.

Hi, I'm cosplaying as Dick Doggit. No, that's not his voice. That's not the way his voice sounds when I'm writing it. I'm sorry, I just, there's been no adaptation so I just had my own- I will not sell the rights. I won't sell the rights because I'm so protective of Dick Doggett and his mysteries. I'm sorry, I'm yelling at you sir, you're a fan. The last character, she was a real pill and she really got to me.

I'm still here, I'm just in the back of the line. She's in the back of the line now. She's in the back of the line now. God, I gotta get security for this. Sir, what's your name? Michael. Michael, and are you a fan of Dick Doggetts? You know, you-

Yeah, huge fan. Huge fan, huge fan. I think he's, I've read all the books twice and I feel like he's the best literary character of all time. I feel like there's clearly an inspiration from Jim Butcher and the Dresden Files and I feel like Dick Doggett's.

No, no, no, there's not. There's not, you know how there's not? Because I don't even know what that is. Dick Doggett's, doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Your name is Michael, you're a fan, you've read the books, you like the books. And I just wanna say, I've told myself

on the way over here, I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan, and I think what makes Dick so special is that a lot of what he does is like, you know, Dick turns on the TV, he can't figure out what to watch, so he turns off the TV, he paces around the room. It's a lot of minutiae, right? I just love that he's really-

No! He feels- You are completely missing it! No, it is not about minutia You know what Michael you have a really horrid energy to you. So here's what I'm gonna write I'm gonna write to Michael fuck you. Thanks for the $25 Asshole and that's what you get Michael and if you want another one my new show What I god damn it I did write to my new shot

You win you win next please next hi My name is Ava. I'm 13 years old and I'm a big big fan of this series Do you have a parent with you? Do you have an adult with you or a parent or guardian with you? My mom's over there. Ma'am, can you come over here? Ma'am, please come over here. Okay, ma'am, please come over here. Ow, my arm! Ma'am, these books are not for children. Dick Doggett has a lot of sex. Do you think it's appropriate to expose your daughter?

Don't tell her! I'm sorry, but Dick Doggett has a lot of sex and it's all it's appropriate to expose your daughter? Don't tell her! I'm sorry, but Dick Doggett has a lot of sex and it's all based on sex that I have. Young lady, we are leaving now. But mom, it's like sad sex. It's like sad sex. No, you're missing the point! He watches his neighbors have sex and he listens to them have sex through the wall and he pretends that he's having sex. That was an accident! That was an accident! It really felt real. It felt based on true events, mom. It's not... No, we're leaving. We're leaving right now. Come on, we're leaving. Aw, man!

First of all, anyone in the line, if you're at Kade, get out of the line, because the sex that happens in the books is actually really... Perhaps the line leaves. Hi, I'm up next. Oh, okay. Hello. How's it going? Hi. Good. How are you? I'm doing great. You a big Dick Doggetts fan?

I'm not. My name is David Sedaris. And Maureen just told me what you said to her. And you and I are going to have to step outside. Um, look, I'm so sorry. It's just like, it's been really stressful. I'm right in the middle of another Dick Doggett's novel. This one's not selling well.

Um, there's just a lot of pressure. I've got, I've got massive writer's block. I don't give a shit. I'm David Sedaris, notorious tough guy. I know. And we're gonna step outside and you're gonna, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you and then you're gonna apologize to Maureen. And I'm gonna talk pretty one day and you're gonna talk shitty one day with a broken jaw. Okay, you're gonna be engulfed in flames bitch. Can you say that again?

Hmm talk pretty one day talk shitty one that those are my books Okay, I'm just cuz dick doggits is a big reader and so it would sense canonically in his world. I got you. Uh Okay, yeah, I would be flattered if in his world if he... Oh my God. Okay. Yeah, I would be flattered if, I've never read a Dick Doggett's mystery, but I guess I do. Honestly, a lot of Dick Doggett's is kind of based off

of you, Mr. Sedaris. Wow, really? Yeah, he's a tough guy, he's a ball breaker. He's, you know, he's a leatherhead, he's an absolute, he was in the service, of course. He kind of goes up to people and threatens them at conventions. Accidentally watches his neighbors have sex, no fault of his own.

He actually thinks he's looking at something else until about halfway through, and then he realizes what it's really going on. Did that really happen? It seems so realistic. Get her out of here! Maureen, your bad vibes, me and David Cenarius are bonding over it. Ah! Hey David, would you like to get a drink after this? I guess so. Not with me, with um... Detective Dick Thoggets!

That's his voice? Yes! Boo! That voice sounds insane and this is coming from David Sedaris. Boo! That voice sounds insane and this is coming from David Sedaris. Boo! 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew! Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle.