Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #263: We Fought a Zoo

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

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Roar! A big animal welcome to you welcome to the Columbus Zoo. I am Jack Hannah's nephew my name is Hank Hannah and I will be serving you today for your ticket needs what was it? One please. Sorry I have a whole spiel to get to. We pride ourselves. I didn't know that you were talking to me. Well I'm looking down at my notes. We pride ourselves, pride, uh, RaR, on being the premier zoo in the United States, aside from San Diego. What was it? I think the wink, I think the wink and the RaR is supposed to be directed at me. I think you're supposed to- Hey man, I gotta get through this or else I'm gonna- There's cameras watching me right now. Oh

Well, they can't be they can't be capturing what you think of capturing if cuz that audio and video Well, okay. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I Now here are your options for today's tour of the zoo. We have one general admission. We have two captain admission. We have three full access. You get to go in any cage you want. Or we have four a private tour given by one of our animal handler specialists. They will take you inside the animals literally inside the animals You've seen ace Ventura 2 you wouldn't pull a Jim Carrey. You can do that with our rhinos Which will it be I think just at first of all I don't know the difference between general admission and captain's admission that that one you didn't have

Captain's you get to eat you get to eat some of the animals. Just, I think just general for me. I think just general admission. I'm an adult. I'm gonna, what? Why do you do that? Why do you do that? Sorry, it's commission based.

All right. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. That's just our cheapest option. So that'll be $425. It'd be how much? $425. $425. It'd be how much? $425. $425?

Ah, I think, is this a real zoo? Do you know Jeff? Who's Jeff? I'm meeting a blind date at the zoo and I thought, oh, blind date at the zoo, I think that that's like a fun, like, you know, interaction, we'll walk around, look at the animals, but like, I'm not even sure about this guy. I've never met him.

And $425 is an insane amount to pay. And I'm thinking like, is this a scam? Are you and Jeff in on it? Is this like, are there gonna be animals in there? Am I gonna get killed? Can I be honest with you? Can I be honest with you? Yeah, I guess.

If you just go for our full access ticket, 50% of those people end up suing us and winning. So, pay now, pay that, fight us in court, you're gonna get your money back and then some, okay? This is me off the record, I'm covering my mouth so the cameras can't catch this. Okay? That's what I would recommend. Why wouldn't you just do that for the beginning? Because I'm supposed to read the notes, okay? I'm a NEPO baby. How much is the full access?

How much is the full access where I get to go inside the animals? Oh, that'll be $426. I mean, I'm gonna dispute this charge on my credit card anyway, so yeah, let's just go with that. All right, here we go. Here is your Pith helmet. Here's your safari jacket. Here's your safari jacket.

Here's your rubber boots and gloves for when you enter the animals. And here is some goat feed. These little pellets, the goats go crazy for it. I don't want them on me, then. Take it back. Well, then I'd say get rid of it or eat it yourself. We can't take it back. It's been touched by humans. The rest of the. I wear gloves. I'm sorry. the latex actually spoils it. You can't, you have

to get rid of it. This guy better be the best fuck I've ever had in my entire life. I'll tell you that much. Hey, hey, um, Mikey. Hey, hey, hey, hey buddy, hey. Um, hey hey oh my god hi uh oh my god are you eating a tuna sandwich smells so good I would love that been craving that you know how you told me to come with you come to you not with you with only good news um because I sort of am a classic fuck up here at the zoo Mikey you know I'm talking about you know how normally I would only come to you with good news I get 15 minutes a day to eat my tuna sandwich just 15 minutes and that's all I'm just trying to eat my tuna sandwiches

15 and Mikey I considered the timing of this and I made a calculated choice and I decided that if once you find out What I'm gonna tell you you're gonna be glad I interrupted the tuna the tuna 15 the tuna 15 the tuna 15 The tune of that's nothing. Don't don't say it. Don't keep saying it like that. It's nothing What's it a play? What did you do Janet? What did you do? Did I did I do the implications that I did something and in this time it would be correct But it also is sort of a bit of a mystery to be solved in a way Mikey There's sort of a game afoot Currently here at the zoo, Mr. Mikey, sir. Can I have your pickle?

No. It's in the sandwich. Oh my god, but it's... It's chopped up pickle in the sandwich. It is in the sandwich. It is calling my name. Can I just take... Get your fingers... Janet, get your fingers out of my... Okay, take it. It's yours. It's yours. I don't want it now. Oh, I just get nervous when I eat.

Or no, that's what I meant to say the opposite of, which is I eat when I'm nervous. Mikey? You do both. What an afternoon, huh? I've seen you do both. I've seen you do both. Hump day, am I right? It's Thursday!

Yeah, it's Thursday. Yes, I know. And that I do know, but you can hump any day of the week if you're doing good. No, no, stop. I'm your boss. You can't say stuff like that to me. I know, and this I actually do know, but you can hump any day of the week if you're doing good. No, no, stop. I'm your boss, you can't say stuff like that to me. I know, and this I actually do know. You took a class. You took a three hour class. I took several classes. Three hours over three days, one hour each day.

Good HR, great HR. No, it was supposed to be three hours each day. Yeah, but I sort of got overwhelmed with the amount of information that they let me sort of parse it out. Anyways, Mikey, any plans for the weekend? That's not why I'm here. Mikey, something did happen and it did happen so fast and it is currently still happening. And that's the Dune of 15.

That's nothing. The Dune of 15 is nothing. Please. Can't it be though? And speaking of things being nothing. I'm so sorry about Just the last couple months I know I was sort of a risk higher for you a risk you called it and I know that I've not been up to your standards or anyone's standards really Yeah, and I want to apologize for that and I will have something more to apologize once you find out

Oh what happened? I would, I would love for you just to tell me what you did, OK? We don't need to relitigate everything about it. God, is that a Diet Coke? Can I have one sip? I'm sort of crashing. I just opened it. You just heard me open the Diet Coke.

Yeah, it did like, tsk tsk. Yeah. And I would love a, chomp. You just said, mm, a loop. Yeah, you know what? If it gets us through this faster, go ahead and take. Go ahead and take. No, this 2 to 15 is gets the fastest go ahead and take go ahead and take You know this two to fifteen is nothing take a sip. Do you like my hair cut? I hate it

I hate my haircut. Do you like it? What am I supposed to say? I don't know. I I don't know I don't know if I like II I need more time with it buzzing It's hard to give you news like this when you are in such a intense mood Take a deep breath. It'll be fine when you find out what happened at the zoo. I just need you to tell me what happened at the zoo. Please, Janet, just tell me what happened. At this point, I don't even think

you're gonna be in trouble. I know that you're not well equipped. It's your newish here. It's probably not your fault. I just wanna know what happened, so I need to know how to respond to it. Is a pain in your heart a panic attack because of what you did at the zoo? Or could it be a heart attack?

Or could it be a heartburn from the pickles in the Diet Coke? You put pickles in the Diet Coke? I mean, where else? I'm I'm on the go. I'm trying to finish it. Finish it. Where else am I? I can't it where else am And that's the dude of 15, you know, oh my god, could you open a window Mikey? How do you breathe in here? Mikey we're on a patio. There's a patio. There's no windows. We're the patio hot hot hot hot Hot. Oh my god. I would love you had a pool. Do you have a pool? I

Hot, hot, hot. Oh my God, I would love if I had a pool. Do you have a pool? I swim after work today. I see what you do here. I, the polar bear exhibit, and you cannot go in that pool. Ah, I would love to. But you can't.

Why? But you just can't, because the polar bear is in there, and it would not respond well to a person being in there. I don't know. Clarice gets to go in there. Polar bear trainer, my fucking ass. Fuck her. I didn't mean that.

JANET! JANET! I learned to not say that in that class I took. I'm really really sorry. Alright, I'll come out and say it. I'll just say it. It's the tune of 15. This is a sacred time of day. I will just say what happened. You and I love each other. We're best friends. We're close. There's sort of a flirty vibe between you and me.

No, Janet! You're gonna have to take the class again. You're gonna have to take the class again. Ah! It's so boring! It's three hours that I only go to an hour of. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll say it I could say it. It's easy to say But isn't it so weird when you start to be aware of the stuff that you're saying? You're like, oh, I am a robot. I am talking with words No, you can't get in trouble. Okay, your your your dads are the owners Absolutely. What's that right right down that I can't get in trouble

It won't matter. Okay, fine. I will do you have a pen I Have a diet coke That's my diet. Okay. Well here. I'll just I'll do it in diet coke I'll get a little on my finger you finish the the whole Diet Coke There's no Diet Coke left. No, you know what verbal agreement? I cannot get in trouble you you you won't get in trouble because your dad's own the place So can't won't shant wouldn't couldn't the tune of 15 The Lions are loose. I let the Lions out there loose I let the lions out there loose.