Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #266: Penguin Baseball Opening Day!

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

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Welcome everyone to a beautiful evening here in Toledo, Ohio. We are at the Glenhowerton AP Biofield to witness the first ever Penguin Baseball League game between the Toledo Snowhens and... Well? The Golden Gate Gen 2s. I'm of course, Squab Euker, joined with two friends here, go ahead and introduce yourselves.

Hello, I'm Ramona Falcon. That's it, that's all, that's all Ramona? Yeah, that's it. Just your name. That's all, Ramona. Yeah, that's it. Just your name. I thought, let's not do this here. Okay, nope. Let's leave home at home. Now Ramona, you are a color commentary, is that right? And that's right, Squab.

I am color commentary and I'm also a bird. No, we're all birds. I'm, of course, Squab-Uker. Mm-hmm. And I'm Ramona Felgen, an owl. Yes, of course. Huh. I'm Scorsquaw Buker. Mm-hmm. And I'm Ramona Falcon, an owl. Yes, of course. Huh. I didn't want to say. And we're joined here by...

And I'm Chip Dooth, and it is a beautiful afternoon here in sunny Malibu, California. Nope, we are in Toledo, Ohio, too. Nope, we're Toledo, Ohio. We're Toledo, Ohio. Yeah, I am calling in from Malibu, California. I missed my flight out to Toledo earlier today. Sorry, if there's a little bit of a delay, it seems like maybe we, I don't exactly have, hello? Can everyone hear me?

Oh, yeah, we can hear you. So sorry, there is another bird here in the box. Sorry, there is a bit of a delay here in sunny Malibu, California Must be nice And I just want to take a moment to apologize to all the spectators here at the stadium and everyone listening in their nests At home the three of us all went to the exact same announcer school That's right. We did that's right. We did

And that's right, we did. That's right, we did. And that's where... That's right, we did. Sorry, there... Again... There's a bit of a delay. It could be part of the delay. That could be one of the issues. Full disclosure, Chip is in sunny Malibu, California, because we're going through a trial separation.

It's a trial? we're doing our best no one's mad we're figuring out No Dr.. Slanders said no one was allowed to be bad during the trial remote. Hey Ramona Yes, since your color commentary. Could you say something like a tri-owl separation like this is my marriage I know but moving on Ramona and Jim I have to hear your thoughts we have the Golden Gate gen twos San Francisco owner Janet Varney in in the stands tonight versus the hometown favorites the Toledo snow hens With owner Casey Tony nowhere to be seen. I know everyone at home follows penguin baseball

Every year and so, you know that both of these teams have a bit of a spicy rivalry that dates back at least 20 to 30 years ago. That's right. And for those at home who are a little confused because I said this is the first ever Penguin Baseball League game and there's also been reference to previous games. We need to make something clear. That's right, Squab. This is the first ever Penguin Baseball League game.

There's a bit of a delay. I think there's we need to make something clear. Penguins have been playing baseball in nature for quite some time, but it's not until this very year this very month in this exact day that we've organized them put them in little uniforms and made them play in front of other birds and people. and made them play in front of other birds and people. Speaking of other birds and people... And no one's making them play.

All of these athletes are getting paid a hefty salary to play as we all know there is no salary cap in Penguin Baseball. Mm-hmm. There's only a salary cap. Yeah, there is a certain amount of salary that... Oh, you were gonna use the celery cap. There's a bit of a delay. Yeah, a bit of a delay here on my end here in sunny Malibu, California. Sunsetting going down. I believe we're about three hours behind Toledo and you said it's evening in Toledo, so not much sun left here in sunny Malibu, California. Before the game begins, let's talk about each of these owners' strategies.

Staying with my dad for just a little while while I go through a trial separation. That's right. Chip, thank you. Let's talk about these owners' strategies and how they decided to stack their teams this year. Obviously, Casey Tony really values just, like, player skill. He likes the players that can slip, that can slide, that can hit the ball. He's not valuing cute penguins, personality penguins. These are utility penguin squab

Ever moment you're dead on I also have to add famously in the first press conference Casey Tony mentioned he's trying to build a team of sort of misfit losers who need to be rehabilitated such stars as beak Rose who is mired in controversy with scandal Rose who is mired in controversy with scandal Dennis Rockhopper who was a draft pick added to Casey's roster because he took too long to draft other Birds wild style the horny penguin who a lot of people you know are saying used to be the face of the league Even though this is the first of ever official game But slipped a disc torn ACL and is now just sort of a mascot for the league

versus being actually effective in a game. Chip? There's a delay. Also, such favorites such as Ed Rube. That's right, and I went behind the scenes with Beak Rose for a little behind the scenes interview that we'll go to right now. What do you mean? we don't have it? Oh, cause I missed my flight. So I didn't do the interview? So we don't have it.

So we can't play it? So there's nothing. Can you- I interviewed Beak Rose earlier today and we are going to play a short clip from that interview. Beak, it is- She did what? Beak, obviously you know, I don't need to tell you this, that you have sort of been covered in controversy before the first game even started in this league. Can you speak on that a little bit and how you plan to sort of put that down and focus on the game?

Yes, can I say a few things first on my lawyer recommended I say? Of course. I have to get out my cards here. I be gross just wanted to apologize to anyone who's a fan of the game, anyone who plays the game. I want to apologize for my actions for disappointing America. Doing that weird jinx throat clear thing. How is he hiding? Of course I did it.

Killed them all. Killed them all. Of course I did it. Of course I did it, killed them all. Thank you, Beak. We are not gonna edit this interview. We're gonna leave everything in and we're gonna play it later today.

And that was my interview earlier today with the great Beak Rose. Interesting. I also had an interview today with Beak Rose. Let's cut to that now. Now Beak Rose, you've done a lot of interviews. Him too? They both got? Come on.

Gary, get me on a plane. You've done a lot of interviews today. I hate to take up some of your time, but I just wanted to see where you're at mentally in terms of trying to start this season on a good foot. Why do they have these weird pauses in the interview? It's like they're leaving space for me, but really, whatever one else is hearing, it's just seconds.

Like right now, what's going on right now? It's like a huge pause at the interview before beak rose responds And of course, we're on a bit of a delay. Thank you beak rose for your time Enough about Casey Tony's Toledo snow hens Let's talk about the Golden Gate Gen twos with owner Janet Varney and what she decided to prioritize at the top of this season And who she drafted? Absolutely, and you cannot talk about the Golden Gate Gen 2s without talking about Newt Newt.

Now, Newt Newt is a unique talent, never spoken or uttered a sound, nobody knows why. This motherfucker is so fast, one of the fastest runners we have in the league, and everyone's looking forward to whenever Newt Newt is ready to speak, we're looking forward to his first words couldn't agree more squab and it feels like they may have fixed the delay on my end I gotta say the gin twos have their road cut out for them this season to

mix metaphors they are definitely the under penguins in this fight we've got seal Patrick Harris we've got Chilliam Williams, we've got Chick Dixie. All three of these players are untested, unblooded, and I am wondering from my position out here in Malibu, will they be able to execute penguin baseball on the level that we've come to expect? That is a great question, Chip.

And you know, I do think that we are a little distracted by some of the personalities on this team I'm not sure they're gonna be able to push back how many stars quite frankly are here I mean you mentioned earlier newt newt I do think there'll be a riot in the city if newt newt's first words are not newt newt like a Pokemon we're kind of scared for the city of San Francisco we think it'll burn to the ground if newt newt says anything other than his own name. Yes the the booking rooms across

California are all a hundred percent on newt newt if anything else is said Thousands of birds and humans will not be going to college And it looks like, oh boy folks, it looks like the penguins are taking the ice. We do need to officially say welcome everyone to penguin baseball, the ball is the egg, and of course, there's no flying in baseball. Oh, let's take a look here.

It looks like the mascots are coming out. Here we have Sleepo the Snow Hen charging out onto the field as well as a more timid mascot from the Gentoo's Gentle Jen, a penguin in a bear costume. It is very clear to me that both of these mascots are hung over today, Squab. That is the immediate read I am getting on these mascots. I don't know if you can see over there in Malibu Chip how much hurt you caused in this today, squab. That is the immediate read I am getting on these mascots. I don't know if you can see over there in Malibu Chip how much hurt you caused in this marriage

and if these mascots are indeed hungover. One, two, three, four, hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.