Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #268: Batterbox

Episode Date: April 26, 2024

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Well, we're at the end of April of the Penguins. The progress of the Penguin April is on for another year. I mean, how was it? Do we declare a winner? Do we declare a winner? Is there a winning team? GBC, as the commissioner, I do have to legally announce a winner. Um, let me just pull up this trophy to be ready to hand it off.

JBC, Aaron, the winner of the first ever Penguin Baseball League is drum, is a drum roll or even a dinner roll or drumstick even roll your tongue drumstick ice cream. Oh, no, I want ice cream. I fucking want ice cream oh my god oh my god that we have to go I always want ice cream the winner of the 2024 baseball penguin baseball penguin baseball league league okay that's canonical now. It's baseball, Penguin League. Is it too late to bribe? Baseball, Penguin League is... Is it too late to bribe you? Is it too late to bribe you? Uh, no. Oh, okay, I will Venmo you $10. Get something nice.

Eventually. A promise to be Venmo'd. Good enough for me. The winner is... Yay! The fans. No! Anyone who... Boo!

Boo these fans. Listen to these episodes, anyone who bought merch, anyone and everyone who supported Penguin Baseball, you are the winner of this season. All the other teams lost. The championship game was a real let down. As I recall, the Road Warriors were up by like 25 points and then they called it and they were like, the fans win.

And everyone went home grumbling. Which is weird because they're winners. Yeah, they're winners. They should be fucking thrilled. If I won, I'd be fucking ecstatic. Well, we'll have to probably do it all over again next year. Yeah, probably. Maybe. Maybe pick a different sport. I don't know. I really like this. Erin, your Venmo hasn't gone through yet.

Erin, you've been so into pick a different sport. You brought it up last episode as well. You really want there to be a different sport. I guess I'm the only one who cares about keeping our brand fresh. Uh oh, it's time for a animal sports parade. Okay, we can do it. Jaguar's playing basketball? Wait, hold on. That's the IUPUI Jags.

They do play basketball. Oh, um, spiders playing poker? There you go. Skunk's playing golf. I just wanna say, Adol had the opportunity to do animal plus sport, and he picked spider and poker. All right, let's see.

Animal plus sport. Mosquito playing Halo 2. Ooh. You suck, you suck, you suck. This must be a mosquito. He keeps saying I suck. But we're closing off our first season of Penguin Baseball League by bringing it to the Penguin Baseball League fans. Listeners. Damn it. I

should never say fans. I have to say listeners. And we asked people in the chat box to bring us their Penguin Baseball League questions to see if we could answer them. Because it's an audio format. I wish that everyone could just go to a PBL game and experience it for themselves. But there's probably a lot that gets left on the cutting room floor that people don't understand

when it comes to Penguin Baseball. So we have a few of those questions now. Let's, oh. And I just want to address something based off what you said. We've used that term a few times, the cutting room floor. We just want to be clear. The penguins are fine.

There's no sort of, we're not butchering. We can't legally say the penguins are fine at all. We're not butchering penguins, okay? The penguins are, hmm, we can say that. The penguins are, I don't know. Huh, we can legally say that. We can't say they're fine, but we can say, the penguins, I don't know. Penguins, that, that, that, that. We can legally say that we can't say they're fine, but we can't say the penguins

We can legally say we can legally say the penguins are fine That's even a toy, um, okay, so see ellipses asks are the umpires also penguins How often do they Zamboni the ice and if the game goes too far into extra innings, have you considered letting a polar bear on the ice? Whoa, whoa, I'm being inundated by tough hard hitting guys. Slow down. All right, part one. Are the umpires also penguins?

No. No. No. No. Think of the root word, ump, right? What in nature has ump in it? Umpback whales. Whales. The umpires. And if in nature has ump in it? Humpback whales. Whales.

The umpires. And if they're not available, we get chimps, chomps, umps. You get it, it's monkeys. No, we get them both. Umpires are chimpanzees riding humpback whales. Chimpires. Yeah, that's the easiest way to do it. We can all agree, Aaron, I think I need to hear you say it's the easiest way to do it.

Erin. You guys, unfortunately, it is the easiest way to do it. And it's a big shout out to two of the best in the biz. The chimpanzee humpback couple that are Glenn. Oh my God, yeah. Glenn and Frienda. Glenn and Frienda. Glenn and Frienda, beautiful couple.

Great season. A chimp and a humpback together, beautiful. Beautiful thing. Chimp and a humpback. Oh no. Chimp and a humpback, oh no. I think it's interesting asking about if they Zamboni the ice, because of course not,

because like Zambonis don't occur in nature, you know? Yeah. Yes they do. Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. March of the Penguins, when Morgan Freeman's like, and the penguins leave the ice for 11 minutes so the Zamboni can do its work. Wait a second, Aaron can do a Morgan Freeman, but when I do a 20 minute Chris Rock

that's actually pretty good at just the jokes that he does, we cut it from the episode? Yes. Yeah, that sounds right. We did that famous 30 minute episode and people were like, I wonder why. We'll never know what that 20 minutes was. Our Bruce Almighty parody?

They were talking. They talked about Chris Rock. Chris Rock. Chris Rock. And then it cut back to them and they were all crying. I can't do my Asian chef Chris walk without it getting cut from the episode. They're fucking bald.

Can I just say, one of the worst Muppets. Here's what I'll say. Yes, there are Zambonis in nature, but that's expensive to, you know, to catch and sedate and acclimate Zamboni to Baseball League. What we do is we have the penguins come out on the ice and slide on their little tummies, and their tummies are sort of natural ice smoothers. They have Zamboni-like qualities, right? Their tummies have...

Zan tummies. They can exfoliate the ice. They can ex... Oh Aaron great great great details that's why we have people often ask why is there a woman on the podcast it's because she has words like exfoliate that men just certainly don't know yeah words that we forget about people are asking that why is there a woman on the podcast? She's not funny. She's not interesting.

Why do they keep her around? Skincare tips. If the game goes too far into extra innings, have you considered letting a polar bear on the ice? We've talked about this a lot with having cheetahs, I believe, on the ice trying to catch penguins, but would we ever consider putting a polar bear on there? I think it's to... We all know the phrase, if it's white, say goodnight.

That's the term they use for survival tips against a polar bear. There is no surviving a polar bear. So we have taken measures to not allow any polar bears near the area. We've also banned all Coca-Cola products because we know they're drawn to that. Mm-hmm. They sniff it out. Oh, they sniff it out. Mm-hmm.

Coke heads. Mm-hmm. That's why they're white. That's all the Coke they do. That's why, you know, pamingos are pink. Pamingos are flink because they eat all that shrimp and everything. Shrimp and everything. Pamingos are flink

because they eat all that shrimp and everything. Pamingos are flink because they eat all that shrimp and everything. Pamingos are flink. Is there a problem? No. That's why polar bears are white is because all the coke they do. It's because they do a bunch of coke, a cola, and cocaine. I think that's honestly the original ASMR. I remember when you two might be too young for this. When I was a kid, there's so many Coca-Cola commercials around Christmas time that were polar bears drinking Coke. And the audio was like, like the crisp open of a can. And then it would be the polar bears going,

and there'd be like crunching snow sounds. And it was so loud and vivid that I think that's to me that was like the original ASMR. Just a little friendship. No, I'm with you. What was your original ASMR, Erin? What was your first ASMR experience? Probably TikTok.

So young. Yeah, I'm so young. I'm so young. God, I remember now it's all TikTok. I remember when you had to go down to the fucking Walgreens and go to the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the

back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in the back room and watch one of the employees walk in Yeah, I'm so young. I'm so young. God, I remember now it's all TikTok. I remember when you had to go down to the fucking Walgreens and go to the back room and watch one of the employees open the tennis balls with their feet. And that was ASMR.

Now everybody just Googles, Walgreens employee ASMR TikTok feet. And they get the fucking same experience. TikTok feet. One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7-day trial at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle.